By Elayne Savage, PhD
The 2016 presidential hopefuls are providing bountiful opportunities for exploring personal boundaries –– AND the lack of them.
Donald Trump is leading the pack – providing us with one terrific example after another of inappropriateness.
If one of these candidates should become President, imagine how this disrespectful, out of bounds behavior would effect our culture and policies at local and national levels.
What a huge impact on global diplomacy this character flaw could have. How would the President of the United States be perceived by heads of state and the world?
I can’t help but think his kind of rude and in-your-face behavior seems so, well . . . un-presidential. What are your thoughts?
Personal Boundaries 101
Personal boundaries are about space: physical, mental and emotional.
Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings and ideas with those of someone else.
Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, needs, feelings thoughts, ideas and values. . . and not feeling threatened by them.
The following list of personal boundaries is based on writings of authors John and Linda Friel:
Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone uses your stuff without asking or when someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.
Intellectual boundaries mean respect for ideas or thoughts for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”
Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.
Money boundaries involve how we earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. These boundaries are violated when someone makes judgments about how much money you have or don’t have and whether this makes you a good person. Bragging about money and spending is a transgression of these boundaries.
Social boundaries means a respect for our choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes who you choose to be with or where you choose to go.
Time boundaries means having respect for your own and others’ ways of getting things done. Some of us operate on time for meetings or completing projects. Others meet our deadlines, but “under the wire,”
Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.
I would add to this list:
Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.
Boundary Confusion Abounds
The 2016 campaign provides a profusion of examples of personal boundary confusion:
Some folks see things as black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. They have a tendency to make other people bad and wrong. This is a common form of boundary confusion.
Some view others as extensions of themselves. They assume other people think the same, have the same feelings, or play by the same rules, In other words, they are unable to appreciate others as separate, This can lead to inappropriate, intrusive and controlling behavior. This, too, is a common form of boundary confusion.
Folks who have a high need for appreciation, often push the limits of boundaries in order to get the praise and attention they crave. To call attention to themselves, some may even appear to push another person into over-reacting. You may recognize this as bullying behavior.
The 2016 candidates seem to be struggling with maintaining solid boundaries tossing away their own personas, integrity and ideals as they mimic Donald Trump’s behaviors. If outrageousness works so well for him, why not try to outdo him? After all, he’s getting lots of media attention –– why not spread it around a little?
In our early years many developed a facade because we believed we were expected to think or behave in a certain way. So we ended up losing our true self.
I watch the candidates one by one seem to lose their ideals and develop a manufactured sense of what they stand for. So sad. I find myself wanting to see the ‘real’ candidates and hear about their real thoughts, feelings and ideas.
A consultation client offers this description of the ‘false front’ he developed as a child. “I couldn’t be myself in my family, and now as an adult I hardly know what’s underneath anymore.”
That's Entertainment
Donald Trump excuses his derogatory comment about Carly Fiorina’s looks was merely “entertainment.” What a fine example of personal boundary crossing by this candidate for president of the United States. He confuses an attempt to be funny at someone else’s expense with his reality TV persona. There was no need to appear ‘presidential’ on TV . . . only a need to be “entertaining.”
How is ‘being entertaining” is supposed to look presidential?
Donald Trump crossing the line of propriety and exhibited role confusion as well –– confusing ‘presidential candidate’ with ‘reality TV entertainer.’
And what about the name-calling: “loser,” “bimbo”and “idiot.” What about publicly giving out another candidate’s private mobile phone number? Wow. What an incredible example of inappropriate boundary crossing! Can we expect more of this if he is elected president?
Whatever happened to the idea of candidates showing respect for each other?
What if Mr. Trump is not just pretending that he does not understand the importance of respect. What if he makes a ‘joke’ like this about a diplomat or head of state? Would there be international consequences or would it be considered merely “entertaining?”
Maybe someone will convince him to sign up for a Social Skills Class.
Blind Spots and Projection –– Spreading the Garbage Around
You may be aware Projection is often one of the most confusing boundary difficulties in both business and personal relationships . . . and as we are seeing, in politics.
Projection happens when we cannot acknowledge certain unacceptable aspects of ourselves, and we mistakenly imagine that thought or feeling exists in the other person. Because these parts make us uncomfortable they stay hidden from us –– what Carl Jung called the shadow—the dark part, the part we wish wasn’t there.
When these undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we often get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from this anxiety. It is a way of dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.
Projection means disowning, rejecting unacceptable traits in ourselves and perceiving these same traits in another person or group. In other words, accusing them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.
We see examples of projection in politics: blaming the other party for the actions (or lack of actions) of our own party. Accusing another candidate or elected official of proposing legislation that the accuser supported years ago.
Some scratching below the surface might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.
A coaching client sums it up pretty well, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”
I'm not intending to make a political statement here, just wanting to call attention to some human nature. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout many primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in several previous blogs.
(See link below for past pieces on psychological projection.)
Yes and No
Learning to say “yes” and “no” defines who you are in the moment — and what you stand for. In fact, these words are great boundary setters.
The trouble is many of us did not have very good modeling of boundaries in childhood. We had no idea how to define what we stood for or what we needed. In fact, in many families, defining things was discouraged, or even forbidden. Instead, things had to be vague, cloudy, amorphous. Family members played guessing games with each other because being specific was simply not okay. And what could be more specific then learning to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly?
Too often we learned to say “yes” when we really meant “no” and we learned to say “no” when we wanted to say “yes.”
One of the best ways to set clear boundaries is to learn to clearly say “yes” and “no.” It seems to me that when someone asks you to do something, you can answer in one of four ways:
With some practice, you will soon be able to learn to assess a situation without feeling rushed into a “yes” or “no.” You will also, with practice, learn to give the appropriate response.
By the way, “no” can take other forms as well. A young woman I know has found a phrase that works for her: “STOP." This is uncomfortable for me.”
Ideas for Navigating Through Boundary Confusion
- Figure out where you stop and the other person begins.
- Know that you exist separately and distinctly from other people, with different feelings, ideas and needs.
- Learn to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly.
- Practice putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding what their world view is in the moment.
- Remind yourself that another person’s words or actions are often about that person and that person’s history, and not about you. Can you choose not to take it personally?
Do you have an experience or story about personal boundaries to share? If so, email me at
[email protected] or post on the comments section of the blog site: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejeciton.com
Here's the link to past blogs on psychological projection:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/psychologial-projection/
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Check out my earlier blogs on how Donald Trump leads the pack in offering us terrific examples of lessons:
In bullying, disrespect and mean-spiritedness: (Trumped Up and Slammed Down – The 2016 Presidential Primaries)
and
In fairness: (It’s Just Not Fair - In the World of Trump
and the World of Amazon)
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
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