By Elayne Savage, PhD
Curious, I googled “need to” on a news website and was amazed that there are hundreds of entries in just the last few days – mostly in online news headlines. “You should” runs a close second, followed by “you must” and “have to” and “got to.”
Here are a few randomly chosen examples:
You Need to . . .
Here’s What You Need to Do about . . .
What You Need to know About . . .
5 (6,8,10)Things you Need to know about . . .
The Pictures You Need to See
Why you Need to . . .
5 (6,8,10) Things You Should Never Say to . . .
What You Should Know About . . .
Why You Should Get . . .
The One Thing You Should Never Do
Why You Should Always . . .
Why You Should Never . . .
5 (6,8,10) Things You Must Do . . .
You Must Try . . .
You Must Read . . .
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
All these “need tos” and “shoulds” are totally pushing my rebellious adolescent buttons. Unless I specifically ask someone for advice, I don’t want to be told what to do. And it feels like my personal boundaries are being infringed upon.
As you’ve probably guessed, “shoulds” have invaded my life since I was a child.
I used to spend a lot of time dwelling on, “I should do this or “I should think that” or "I should do better" I guess I was always striving to be the ‘good girl,’ attempting to do what I thought was expected of me and not disappoint.
(And because I grew up in a family of “shoulds” and “need tos” I’m sure I, too, have sprinkled my own vocabulary with some of that –– before I became aware of it.)
As a child whenever I thought I had failed, I’d find myself caught up in a cesspool of “shoulds’ and self-incrimination.
Finally I realized I was putting wa-a-a-y too much negative energy into these ‘shoulds.” Each time I’d compare myself to others or say to myself, “I should have done . . .” I was scolding myself and it quickly turned into a judgment, criticism and self-rejection.
It did take some work, but now I can usually catch my ‘shoulda, woulda coulda’ thinking before it turns negative on me.
For over 25 years I’ve been able to help coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants revisit the problems those “shoulds” create in their personal and workplace lives.
I hear far too many stories from clients about their reactions to being told by professionals – therapists, coaches, counselors, teachers, managers – that they “should” or “need to” do something or think in a certain way.
And if the client or student decides not to do as advised, sometimes they describe how the professional becomes upset with them. I guess you could say they were taking it personally that their advice wasn't being embraced. It seems they get overly invested in the outcome.
It happens with friends, too. A friend gives advice but it doesn’t work for the one receiving it. The advice giver feels rejected, takes it personally and sometimes even limits or ends(!) the relationship.
Stories like these are painful to hear.
In my work with clients, I consider my ideas to be more in the realm of presenting options and enhancing skills for navigating difficult situations, rather than ‘giving advice.”
Indeed, there have been times when I’ve said “you need to” to workplace coaching clients when they have felt harassed or otherwise unsafe in their jobs.
When the work environment becomes physically or emotionally unhealthy and the people in charge are not adequately protecting, I find myself doing something I would otherwise not do: I say “This is what you need to do to protect yourself and be safe.” Then together we strategize ways to carry out realistic safety measures, including reporting to higher ups in the workplace.
I turn it over to the client to choose if any of the ideas we come up with will work for them.
Tips for Dealing with Our “Shoulds”
– A good way to disengtangle from the “shoulds” is to separate the ‘then’ of the past from the ‘now’ of the present.
You might ask yourself: “What messages did I receive in my early years about ‘shoulds?’” “How are these messages affecting me now?”
- Try walking alongside yourself and noticing the times you find yourself thinking “I should.” Observing gives you some objectivity and opens up space for making choices.
- Can you imagine yourself noticing the path you are traveling, then going back to the fork in the road and trying out another path?
I know I can be quirky sometimes, but am I alone in being so bothered by these phrases or do they sometimes affect you as well? If so, how?
Do you have any stories to tell?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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