By Elayne Savage, PhD
Have you noticed how recent news accounts are jam-packed with references to taking things personally?
"Name-calling”
“Personal attacks”
“Slights”
"Unfairness“
"Insults”
“Put"-downs”
“Affronts”
“Slurs”
“Cheap shots”
“Accusations"
“Getting personal“
Even media pundits are scratching their heads trying to figure out why there is so much intensity, combativeness and over-reactions in this election cycle.
With my 25 years experience as the go-to person on rejection and taking things personally, I often see things through the prism of hurt feelings. Hopefully I can help put some of these finger-pointing behaviors and overreactions into perspective.
The above list of perceived slights described by the media are descriptions straight out of my books, articles and workshops.
I hear these words every day from clients who are about to lose their jobs because they tend to take things personally – and overreact with angry, erratic outbursts, mean-spirited behavior and even retaliation.
Employers call me in when productivity is affected by all the time and energy spent dwelling on perceived slights on what someone said or did or neglected to say or do.
Taking things personally is a major motivator in couple’s counseling as well – when hurt feelings and misunderstandings lead to expanding resentment – leaving very little space for connection.
For sure, perceived rejection and taking things personally cause problems in both work and personal relationships . . . and as we see from the news, certainly in political campaigning!
Feeling Like the Bulls-eye on a Dart Board
Taking things personally includes taking the actions of others as a personal affront; believing there is intent to hurt us even when there is not; getting upset when other people don't see things our way; believing others are taking sides for or against us; feeling blamed or blaming ourselves; feeling slighted, or wronged or attacked.
One of my favorite bumper stickers is:
If you think about it, the times we are most prone to taking something personally are the times we are feeling attacked by someone’s rejecting comments, looks or actions. It’s as if we are in the center of our universe. Much like the bulls-eye on a dart board – we feel like a target.
Most of us have moments here and there of living in the center of our universe. These are usually times we feel hurt or blamed or victimized in some way.
Some folks, however, too often find themselves in the center of their universe, usually involving a need for attention or are feeling hurt or singled out. Sometimes it is because they feel entitled to special treatment for some reason.
The Diss List
Taking things personally is usually related to feeling rejected and disrespected in some way. Dissing takes lots of forms. I put together a “Diss List”.
Some of us are more sensitive to slights than others, and perceived slights just don’t roll off our backs easily.
Sometimes we can recognize how we react or overreact to these hurtful feelings. And we see how we fret about these injustices. Maybe we even fantasize about retaliating and sometimes we do.
I know how much energy it takes to take things so personally. I’ve been overly-sensitive most of my life.
When I was a child if someone looked at me ‘funny’ I’d get my feelings hurt and burst into tears. Seems like I was usually feeling rejected . . . or expecting to be rejected. I sure could have used a book on how not to take things so personally but it did not exist. So I decided to write Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection.’ And I certainly had a large stash of personal stories to add to the narrative!
“I’m Rubber, You’re Glue . . .”
One of the most important life lessons I’ve ever learned is reminding myself when someone says or does something it is probably more about the other person than about me. It’s all too easy for people to accuse others of their own inadequacies.
As a child did you ever chant “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you throw at me sticks right back on you!
And what about that all-time favorite “Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.”
Sure wish back then I knew how important those lines were. Might have saved me lots of hurt feelings and heartache from taking things so personally.
What a lifesaver when I discovered that such a thing as projection exists, and that seemingly hurtful accusations may not really be about me!
Finger-pointing – “Right Back Atcha”
Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.
When you find yourself with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common protection is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others.
When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. We might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. And so are political opponents.
Because projection is so prevalent along the campaign trail, I’ve blogged about it the last few presidential election cycles. Mostly political projection comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other.
You know the litany: accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, bigotry and racism. Accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis, who is most beholden to the banking industry, who is withholding email or tax information, and who has the most unrealistic immigration ideas. In my memory, this election cycle is a first for accusations about who is the most physically and emotionally impaired!
And of course there are accusations about the accusations, bringing on defensive and often vile retaliations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? And the media feeds on it, having a field day!
Many of my clients are telling me how upset they are by the mass of insinuations and projections in this election.. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives.
Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself.
It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.
Do you recall the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing? When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right
It helps to put things in perspective if you can repeat this to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"
We let it get to us when a situation in the present reminds us of something from the past. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something) and before we know it, we get triggered and overreact.
The trick is to try to gain some distance from the sting of the dart. and try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now,’ and to repeat and repeat: “This is not about me!’”
More on taking things personally and psychological projection:
Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
http://www.bit.ly/2bE2jTH
Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?
http://www.bit.ly/1GH3ZDB
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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