By Elayne Savage, PhD
I totally lost it the other day. I yelled at the staff at the blood lab because they didn’t do a test my doctor had ordered. I had to drive back there and have my blood drawn again.
This may not seem like a big deal for most of you, but since I was a little kid I've been known to faint at the sight of blood. As a grown up not so often – but sometimes when having my blood drawn. After my blow up at the reception desk, after the lab tech drew my blood she waved the full red vial a few inches from my face asking me to verify my name on the label.
I know why I overreacted at the front desk because I know what triggers me. The lab staff kept telling me my doctor never ordered that test and that I had just imagined that she did.
The whole interaction seemed surreal to me when that particular test was the primary reason she referred me for blood work and then she added a couple of panels as well.
This is not the first time I’ve reacted so badly when someone tells me I’m imagining hearing or seeing something.
All through my childhood I was told “You’re imagining it, that did not happen.” Whenever I tried to tell my parents someone said or did something that felt wrong it seemed I was accused of lying . . . and I really hate it.
I’ve been blogging lately about how many of us have such strong reactions to situations that feel like gaslighting.
I haven’t behaved this badly in a very long time. In that moment I surely could have used a good dose of my own anger management coaching! I would have been wise to have followed my own tips for calming down.
Anger is a legitimate feeling and honest response, however it does not have to call for disrespectful, out of control behavior.
In my family the ‘rule’ was that either you could swallow your anger and not speak up or have BIG, out of control explosive anger. In other words, it wasn’t OK to be angry but you could act crazy.
This description is from Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:
If you find your thinking is polarized into either/or possibilities, you might want to try to find a third option by visualizing a continuum … with explosive anger at one end and swallowed anger at the other. Can you picture making a mark somewhere along the continuum? It can be towards either end or towards the middle. Anywhere you want to put it.
If you came from a family where there was either explosive anger or nothing at all, it may take some work to identify another place on the continuum where you can be angry …. When you can visualize the mark, give it a name. Call it “taking a risk and saying something,” or “confronting the situation,” or “making my feelings known.” All it takes is one mark to create an option for yourself. One man who is a house painter describes this process as “choosing a new tint on the color wheel, like a warm white. In fact,” he continues, “once I realize I have options, I no longer feel so trapped or stuck. And when I’m not so frustrated, there’s no need for anger any longer.”
My behavior that day was certainly over the top and I did apologize to the staff for raising my voice.
I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. However there does seem to be something in the air these days regarding flaring tempers and lashing out. Examples are in just about every news cycle –– especially on airplanes and in airports.
I told a couple of friends and colleagues about my meltdown in the blood lab offices and the response often has been: “ Me too. I’ve been losing my cool. I’m scarily snippy to my family and friends.”
I’m hearing story after story lately from clients, friends, colleagues about their own short tempers.
Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
A note about isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘social contagion’ or ‘parallel process.’)
Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by another. We pick up the energy of others and imitate it. One context morphs into another.
You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car— right before your eyes.
We can see this in how a president’s attitude, character and temperament can trickle down.
We can see it when this culture of disrespect trickles down to staff, family, business and even global interactions.
There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. I’d love to see the same kind of transmittal and a mirroring of respectful interactions. It would feel a lot safer to me.
What do you think about all this? Do you have observations or your own story?
© Elayne Savage PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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