By Elayne Savage, PhD
Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious, especially in stressful times.
Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?
So here comes Thanksgiving 2017. How can you best stay calm when folks around
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact,
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.
Talking to the Turkeys at the Table
How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in knock-down-drag out
battles and hurt feelings?
What works best for me is imagining I’m in the audience watching a Beckett
or Pirandello play – Theatre of the Absurd! These scenes are so surreal, by creating
some distance I find them entertaining in their weirdness.
This helps me keep my humor and a sense
of objectivity and I don’t take things so personally.
Some tips for getting through the Holidays:
• Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.
- Why not appreciate the humor in the situation, and try to laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom—in control-self. Why would she
change for the Holidays?”
Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
• Uncle George is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to try to make your point.
- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.’”
Uncle George’s behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.
• Aunt Judy’s unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. When she
sees your discomfort she goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she says in a loud whisper.You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.
- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.
- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Judy when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.
Aunt Judy’s behavior is a fine example of Theatre of the Absurd.
• Dad is drinking too much again. Now he's making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?
- Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take it. You
can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.
- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.
Dad's behavior is a another good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
"Excuse Me . . ."
Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself:
- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.
- Excuse yourself at the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be right back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"
- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate
about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, reciprocally he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Opt-In to Time Outs
Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking Time-Outs.
Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This "time-out" lets you be independent
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.
The bottom line is: Don’t Take It Personally! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you. People
project their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these
are blind spots and they're not aware of doing it. But it sure feels yuckyl
For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Judy.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and sneers,
"You always were too sensitive," remind yourself that she's most likely talking
about her own feelings of being overly sensitive.
In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Judy
always took things so personally!"
This Feeling is Too Hot to Handle
More about projection: Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle.
Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.
In Breathing Room I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself."
It's like moving your "stuff" into someone else's storage space --
for safekeeping.
Projection is a way of dealing with unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency.
If you want to read more about projection and personal boundaries, the
right side of my blog site has an archive by topic:
www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are usually not really about you. ‘
And here’s some good news: In a recent Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll nearly one-third of all adults will actively avoid political conversations when they see frie nds and family over the Thanksgiving and December holidays….About half said they do not expect to discuss politics at all!
Here is the PDF download of poll results and t he survey questionnaire: http://tmsnrt.rs/2zHx6Pd
Thanks for the Opportunity
Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity to tell people we that appreciate them.
For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy, so sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason to express our gratitude.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
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