By Elayne Savage, PhD
It’s been intriguing to watch the steady stream of creative distractions coming out of the White House – mostly in tweet flurries seeming to increase in frequency just before news breaks that is embarrassing or damaging to the President.
Luckily when a big story is about to break the usual policy that the reporter contacts people involved asking if they want to respond so it can be included in the piece.
With this early heads-up there is time to formulate an “official statement” or even to orchestrate a controversy that can serve as a distraction from any problematic news.
Distraction is the art of skillfully shifting a topic from one of greater importance to one of relative unimportance.
The List of Distractions is Endless
Common distractions are deflections, denials, evasions and postponements. Shaming and Blaming, too, are powerful forms of distractions, often the attempt to delegitimize any source of information not supporting our own ideas or interests. Such people and groups become “losers” and “has-beens” and “failures.”
The President's high drama tweeting flurries have been remarkably successful at diverting attention away from the problematic news item.
And his fondness for accusing and blaming and shaming becomes an added distraction.
Examples are the rash of firings and resignings and international threats.
We've been seeing frequent mentions lately wondering if the White House is like "the tail wagging the dog." It's referencing, of course, the 1997 movie Wag the Dog - when the a publicist and Hollywood producer work with the White House to fabricate a war to distract from a presidential sex scandal.
According to Merriam-Webster, 'Tail Wagging the Dog' is a phrase "used to describe a situation in which an important or powerful person, organization, etc., is being controlled by someone or something that is much less important or powerful." It seems that when a dog wags it's tail, it's body then follows. Does the dog wag it's tail or does the tail wag the dog?
I’ve blogged many times about distractions and blamings and shamings in the White House. It seems to be happening more frequently, so let’s take an in-depth look.
Where Do We Learn the Fine Art of Distraction?
So where does a person learn to be so skilled at distracting? From my decades as a family therapist I’ve observed how we learn to take on certain “job descriptions”and play certain roles in our families.
My colleagues in the helping professions sometimes tease that we learned the role of ‘helper’ when we took on the job of ‘go-between’ and ‘caretaker’ in our families.
From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:
“You may have discovered different ways to maneuver through some difficult times. Did you learn to play a specific caretaking role, such as the mediator, the placater, the scapegoat, the go-between, or the joker? These roles were important to the functioning of your family, and you had a job to do — fill that role. This provided you with an identity—you were needed. In fact, you may continue to see yourself this way, repeating the same function in your adult relationships.”
Breathing Room describes how one woman took on the a childhood job of “space filler” in her family....she realized “there were spaces that needed filling in her family and her parents weren’t capable.”
“…Maybe a parent wasn’t fully functioning. Perhaps a parent inappropriately treated you as a confidante, or looked to you for emotional support or for help with a younger sibling. Some of us figured out that, in order for our families to function better, someone had to fill up that empty space. And you may have been that someone.”
Our childhood roles are hard to give up.
Unfortunately these survival roles don’t always function so well in our adult relationships. Under stress they continue to be our go-to position.
These two stories from Don’t Take It Personally! show how children decide to take charge when it felt the adults were out of control or weren’t doing their job.
Janie remembers being six years old, and her parents were screaming at each other. “I’d jump on the coffee table, pull myself to my full three-foot height, and read at the top of my lungs from my favorite book. I called it the ‘Happy Family’ book.”
She’s been intervening in fights ever since with coworkers and friends, but “at least,” she says, “I didn’t hop up on the desk and recite the ‘Happy Family’ to them!”
When Nick was a little boy he, too, figured out a way to handle his parents’ fights. Although he could barely read, he would grab the Yellow Pages and start to phone divorce attorneys until his parents stopped yelling at each other.
Virginia Satir’s Ideas on Family Roles and Communication Stances
When I was a family therapy graduate student I became entranced with Family Therapist Virginia Satir’s ideas on family roles and communication stances in response to stressful situations.
Andrew Fogg describes how Satir's developed "Survival Stances" to demonstrate how people cope with problems and to protect their self-worth against verbal and nonverbal, perceived and presumed threats.
The four survival stances are Placator, Blamer, Computer (being super-reasonable,) and Distractor (Being Irrelevant .)
She also added a 5th stance, “Leveler” which functions to keep balance in the family by resolving conflicts.
The five Satir Stress Responses are:
1 Blaming
2 Placating
3 Computing (Super-reasonable)
4 Distracting (Irrelevant)
5 Leveling
http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm
Let’s focus here on the Distracting (Irrelevance) and the Blaming behaviors that emanate so often from the White House these days.
https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles
The Distractor: Whatever the Distractor does or says is irrelevant to what anyone else is saying or doing.
• When you play the distracting role, it will help if you think of yourself as a kind of lopsided top, constantly spinning, but never knowing where you are going, and not realizing it until you get there.
• Make sure that you are never on the point with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; maybe come back with one of your own on a different subject. Take a piece of imaginary lint off someone's garment, untie shoelaces, and so on.
• At first this role seems like a relief, but after a few minutes of play, the terrible loneliness and purposefulness arise.
• If you can keep yourself moving fast enough, you won't notice it so much.
Blaming is a powerful form of distraction.
Sometimes people point their finger at others and accuse them of behavior or actions that they are guilty of themselves.They may be projecting their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or fears onto the other person.
https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles
The blamer is a fault-finder, a dictator, a boss. If you are a blamer, you act superior and seem to be saying: "If it weren't for you, everything would be all right.
• "Good blaming requires you to be as loud as tyrannical as you can. Cut everything and everyone down.
• Start your sentences with "You never do this or you always do that or why do you always or why do you never . . . ?" and so on.
• Think of yourself standing with one hand on your hip and the other arm extended with your index finger pointed straight out. Your face is screwed up, your lips curled, your nostrils flared as you yell, call names, and criticize everything under the sun. You don't really feel you are worth anything, either.
• So if you can get someone to obey you, then you feel you count for something
For more descriptions on Satir’s Stances:
http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm
Satir also identified body positions to illustrate each of the stances.
Virginia Satir’s Five Body Language Positions
These are body language positions that convey the emotions of Virginia Satir's Stress Responders and are particularly useful for understanding people who are speaking.
Care to venture any guesses about Donald Trump’s growing up experiences? Do you think Distractor and Blamer might have been his ‘job descriptions in his family?
And what about your own role in your family? What might it have been?
Does it influence your relationship or workplace roles now?
Would love to hear from you if you have a story.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Earlier blogs –
On Distractions:
Personal and Repugnant Politicking
Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
Overly Sensitive? Thin Skin? Tips for Protecting Yourself
Deflections, Distractions, Denial and Postponements
On Projections:
Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection
On Blaming:
Having ‘Thin Skin’ – Brooding, Blaming, Fuming, Lashing Out
On Shaming:
A Big Dose of Public Shame and Humiliation
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
Recent Comments