by Elayne Savage, PhD
The unpredictability and uncertainty coming out of Washington has been hugely unsettling for me. These eerily distressing behaviors throw me off balance. I worry I’m going to lose my footing, stumble and fall.
Then it dawned on me, “I experienced the same experience of disequilibrium growing up!”
My reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.
There was an unspoken rule in my family: you couldn’t say you were angry, but you could act “crazy,” throwing tantrums, ranting or raging. As I often observe in my writing and workshops: “If you don’t talk it out, you act it out.” Back then there was a shitload of acting out going on.
It’s not just me. I’m hearing comments and concerns from psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients about the how the unsettling behavior in Washington affects them. Especially those who grew up in alcoholic or abusive/neglectful families or in otherwise traumatic environments.
If you have ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you may know how it feels to have this fear and anxiety.
Sometimes it’s suddenly flying into a rage. Sometimes its a freezing out with long silences. Clients describe “walking on eggshells” or “tiptoeing through minefields,” dreading becoming the object of the fury just because they made a mistake or said the wrong thing .
Yep, Certainly ‘Certifiably Dysfunctional’
A woman I know labels these sorts of behaviors in her family “Certifiably Dysfunctional.”
The following observations are not intended to be partisan. This is happening throughout Washington from folks we would hope to look to as our models. For some of us, we had hoped to be able to look to family as models of stability and honesty and integrity. We had hoped to be taught appropriate behavior, limits and inner controls and to learn there are consequences for inappropriate behavior. We had hoped to be provided with a sense of security and safety. We had hoped to learn to trust. But we were often disappointed back then too.
Many clients are describing how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors by our President:
– steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
– bickering, accusations and high drama
– personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
– bullying and name-calling
– blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
– boundarylessness
– illogical thinking and flawed judgment
– fuzzy and confused communication
– self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
– blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
– crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen. This is often referred to as 'gaslighting.'
– deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
– making and taking back statements, promises and threats.
You may notice how many of these behaviors have a flavor being disrespectful, invalidating, dismissive, and belittling – all facets of rejection.
I have started and restarted this blog many times but have found writing it too painful — until now. It’s time to acknowledge my own uneasiness with these behaviors and my own gut reactions.
The atmosphere in Washington makes me feel fearful and insecure. A sense of foreboding creeps in: When is the other shoe going to drop? When is some kind of disconcerting out-of-bounds behavior going to happen again – big time? My concern is not if something will happen, but when.
In Don’t Take It Personally! I describe how fear and anxiety are constant companions to children who grow up in scary situations: “They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes. So they’re always holding their breath, waiting . . . this ever-present anxiety . . .becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships."
And this kind of re-experiencing follows many of us when we start to feel vulnerable.
It Ain't Much But It's Home
And yet, there is another aspect here to consider. Sometimes behavior is so familiar we sort of feel comfortable with it – but for all the wrong reasons. I’m thinking of a certain uncomfortable comfort level we may have around people with poor personal boundaries if we grew up in a family where boundaries were not respected. Or the familiarity and strange sort of comfort around people who have an undertone of anger if we grew up in a volatile household. Thankfully we usually catch on to the unhealthy attraction sooner or later.
I want to be able to trust that my best interests are being respected and that our government is capable of providing enough stability to establish a climate of safety and security.
Do you, too, have ideas or reactions about the messages and behaviors coming out of Washington? If there is something you’d like to add, you can contact me under ‘comments.’on the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com or by email: [email protected]
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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