By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / AlphaBaby
Waylon Jennings and I have shared the same haunting guilty thought for many years . . .
The pain of survivor guilt and recent suicides has been permeating the news – and my heart as well.
Recently two Parkland students, 19-year-old Sydney Aiello and 16-year-old sophomore Calvin Desir have died by suicide. Jeremy Richman, also died by suicide. He was the father of Avielle, a Sandy Hook first grader who was killed in Newtown Connecticut.
You may also be aware that following the Columbine massacre in 1999 two people died by suicides –the mother of a Columbine student killed and the surviving best friend of another student who died. At the time there was little counseling available to survivors of this trauma.
We mostly read about survivor guilt as it relates to those who survive a tragedy: schools, restaurants, night clubs, terrorism –– massacres of all kinds.
Survivor Guilt Is Not Just About Catastrophes
There are less obvious and dramatic kinds situations that elicit survivor guilt, yet, no matter what the cause, the enormity of it still exists. For example, it might be surviving the death of a sibling. Or being a replacement child for a sibling who had died before you were born. Or being a healthy child when a sibling has a disability of some kind. Or being your family member’s caretaker. Or being a young child and having your parent die.
Survivors are often consumed by thoughts of “could I have prevented this?"
“Could I have done more?” “Why them and not me?”
For me the recurring thought was: Did I cause the plane crash that killed my mother and grandmother?
I was 12 years old and angry at my mother for leaving me to take my grandmother to the Mayo Clinic. As they were about to drive to the airport I screamed, “I hate you. I wish you were dead!”
For years I believed I caused that plane to crash.
Decades later, with the help of a therapist, I began to understand I had really wanted to hug my mom goodbye and tell her, “Please don’t go, I need you.”
I was about 40 when I had that realization –– the same age as my mother when she died.
And about that time was when I first became aware of the idea of ‘survivor guilt’ and the power of it. I was in graduate school in the 80’s when I read The Sibling Bond by Stephen Bank and Michael Kahn.
’ll never forget that moment I recognized my own survivor experience as I was reading these pages on survivor guilt.
What Right Do I Have to Live a Relatively Normal Life When My Sibling Suffers So Much?
Bank and Kahn describe survivor guilt of one sibling when the other sibling is distressed, has a disability or has died. The disability might be mental, emotional (including substance abuse,) intellectual or physical. Another example of survivor guilt is when the ‘well one’ witnesses the other being physically or emotionally abused and they feel powerless to rescue them.
According to Bank and Kahn ‘well’ siblings may ask themselves, “By what right do I live a relatively normal life when my sibling suffers so much?”
It was in these pages that I was introduced to the amazing work of Robert J. Lifton who in the 60’s researched the ‘survivor guilt’ of survivors of the explosion of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima, breathing, loving and living while their compatriots perished.‘ Death in Life: Survivors of Hiroshima (1967) Along with Lifton’s ground-breaking work, the term ‘survivor guilt’ was used in 1960’s studies of the Holocaust.
Guilt appears to be a frequent response following traumatic events.
Dr. Kathleen Nader describes how this occurs:
“Following traumatic events, guilt may be a complicated part of traumatic response; it is among the symptoms associated with more pronounced traumatic reactions. Guilt may intensify or complicate trauma and/or grief reactions (Nader et al., 1990; Schwarz and Kowalski, 1992). It also may result in hopelessness, depression and other problems such as self-harm, suicidal feelings, and substance abuse. Resolution and acting in the best interest of both the guilt-ridden and the offended may require the help of a skilled individual (e.g., therapist, clergy or, in some cases, a wise friend).”
“Unresolved guilt, whether for actual or perceived offenses, can result in a multitude of problems including mental health difficulties, negative responses from others, and disrupted relationships. Guilt can immobilize. It can hinder or prevent well-being, trauma recovery, a normal progression through life, productive action and positive relationships. Recognized or unrecognized guilt can undermine relationships over prolonged periods or affect the kinds of relationships a person attracts to him or herself. It can keep the guilt-ridden individual "stuck" in suffering, depression, and/or self-recrimination. The attitude and demeanor of guilt may elicit reactions from others such as ire, punishment, or victimization. Guilt can punish more than the guilty. It colors interactions and the quality of life for the guilt-ridden and for those whose lives are affected by their moods and behaviors and by the level of their support, goal-setting and productivity.”
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/Guilt-Following-Traumatic-Events.html
So indeed survivor guilt can be an aspect of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event. Professional counseling and support is an important step toward healing and may help save lives.
When I was a child no one even considered that my younger brother Lee and I might need some help processing feelings of loss and abandonment … and guilt. Back then as now, there was too often a stigma against getting professional help.
In the present we are learning from these recent survivor suicides that there has not been enough support and professional help in the communities where the tragedies took place. And survivors are reluctant to ask for help. Many tend to put on a brave face and demeanor, so no one will worry about them.
Over 35 years I have seen a lot of trauma survivors and their families in my psychotherapy practice. Over the last few decades I have been able to educate clients about the complexities of survivor guilt and various ways it may be affecting them. It’s amazing what a difference this realization has made for them!
Just as it did for me over 30 years ago when I first read about Lifton’s work and the observations of Bank and Kahn. I knew instantly that it was Survivor Guilt that had held such power over me. Understanding this allowed me to begin to reclaim my power.
One way I have dealt with my loss and the survivor guilt has been to educate about it and share my experience with book and blog readers, keynote audiences and some workplace and psychotherapy clients.
And this from Wikipedia: ‘Lifton also concluded that the sense of personal disintegration many people experienced after witnessing death and destruction on a mass scale could ultimately lead to a new emotional resilience—but that without the proper support and counseling, most survivors would remain trapped in feelings of unreality and guilt.’
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Jay_Lifton
Waylon and Me and Survivor Guilt
You may have heard this classic story about survivor guilt and “The Day the Music Died.” After performing two sold-out shows at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake Iowa on their Winter Dance Party tour, Waylon Jennings opted to take the heat-less tour bus and gave up his seat to the Big Bopper who had the flu. The chartered single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza was also carrying Buddy Holly and Richie Valens.
When Holly learned that Jennings was not going to fly with him, he joked, "Well, I hope your ol' bus freezes up." Jennings responded, "Well, I hope your ol' plane crashes." This exchange of words must have haunted Jennings for the rest of his life after the plane crashed into an Iowa cornfield during a blizzard on February 3, 1959.
Decades later Jennings said in an interview, “God almighty, for years I thought I caused it.”
Wow. Waylon Jennings and I shared the same haunting guilty thought for so many years. Wouldn't we have had a whole lot to talk about if we’d had the chance! Actually I missed my chance: I saw him perform with his band the Waylors in Tempe upstairs at JD's in the late 60's. So there I was sitting just a few feet away from him and he was very accessible before he became famous.. -- Sure wish I had known this story back then.
By the way, my mother’s plane crashed into an Iowa cornfield on August 22 1954 during a violent storm. The crashes were 4 ½ years and 14 miles apart.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Here are some links for you:
Mason City Globe Gazette: 'The Other 50's Place Crash'
'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing' (San Francisco Examiner Op Ed)
Here are some earlier blogs on the tragedies that took place at Columbine, Sandy Hook and Marjory Stoneman Douglas Schools.
Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear – Columbine http://bit.ly/2Wvldn6
The Heartbreak of Another Mass School Shooting http://bit.ly/2FzpRN3
Mason City Globe Gazette
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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