by Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
Lots in the news lately about non-apology apologies for unacceptable behavior. Seems to be a lot of confusion about what an apology should be.
I kept rooting for Joe Biden to be able to make a real apology to Anita Hill, for his role in how she was treated in the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court confirmation hearings when he refused to allow testimony of her supporting witnesses. Joe Biden just kept messing it up.
News just came in of the light bulb going off for him about the importance of taking responsibility. After several attempts at apology, he finally was able to say “She did not get a fair hearing. She did not get treated well. That’s my responsibility.”
This whole story is a good illustration of how acknowledging and taking responsibility for behavior is such an important part of apologizing.
And yet taking responsibility is very difficult for lots of people. Their way of attempting this is by removing themselves from the equation: ‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”
It would mean so much to hear, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.” or “I’m sorry I ignored your feelings.”
Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed -- OR shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling. And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.
For whatever reason, Joe Biden seemed to be struggling with the concept of taking responsibility. He just wasn’t getting it.
Yes, I know sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.
That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. Seems to me, though, at times our own sense of pride interferes with noticing how our action (or lack of it) may be affecting the other person.
At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy –– we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand and share their feelings.
Up until now, Joe Biden’s refrain has been: “I said privately what I’ve said publicly. I am sorry she was treated the way she was treated.”
On ’The View’ Joy Behar coached Biden: “I think what she wants you to say is, ‘I’m sorry for the way I treated you,’ not ‘for the way you were treated.’ I think that might be closer.”
He tried again: “I’m sorry [for] the way she got treated. I don’t think I treated her badly.”
Now, finally, he appears to be able to recognize his role in how she was treated when he refused to allow testimony of her supporting witnesses during the confirmation hearing.
“I cannot be satisfied by simply saying I’m sorry for what happened to you,” Anita Hill told The New York Times. “I will be satisfied when I know there is real change and real accountability and real purpose.”
Asking for What You Want — and Being Specific
And I found myself wondering how will she recognize ‘real change and real accountability and real purpose’? Exactly what will these look like?
Here’s the deal. To receive the kind of apology we hanker for it’s important that we can put words to what we we need from the other person. What are the exact words we want to hear to know the other person is acknowledging and taking responsibility for their behavior and is sorry. The next step is to find clear, descriptive words to directly ask them for what we need.
Sure we’d love it if the person could read our mind and say all the right things, but they probably can’t. And they may need specific coaching on what we need to hear. If we cross our fingers and hope they will be able to do this on their own, we may be in for big disappointment.
And disappointment will just feel like another rejection.
“I’d like you to apologize. It’s important to me and this is what I need to hear from you: ‘I’m sorry for saying/doing _________. It will not happen again.’”
© Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles
The Art of Making Amends
Making amends helps a lot and they can take couple of forms:
- The first amend of course is to apologize and take responsibility for your behavior followed by engaging in responsible, respectful behavior moving forward.
- Another amend might be offering to try to make it up to the person by creating an act of caring to balance the hurt you caused. You could consider this amend as more of an ‘atonement.’
In my workplace coaching and psychotherapy practices, when missteps lead to breaches of trust and hurt feelings between couples or co-workers, I encourage them to devise creative ways of showing caring and respect.
In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I describe ways to suggest finding “a mutually acceptable way to make amends. Amends can take many forms ranging from washing the other person’s car weekly for a specified length of time, to performing a least favorite chore, to paying for a series of special dinners, to saying “I love you” on a regular basis. They can be serious or whimsical, but each form has one thing in common — each one represents an act of caring.”
I remember one couple where trust was broken and we designed a way to balance the bad feelings by making amends. What could he do for her so that she’d feel cared about? She decided to ask him to make her lunch every day for two months. This necessitated his getting up fifteen minutes earlier than usual and he isn’t a morning person. But he did it, with love. Some days he even tucked little notes into her lunch bag.
So apologizing has several layers:
– Describing, acknowledging and taking responsibility for your behavior
– Saying you are sorry for your behavior
– Committing to not repeating your behavior
– Making amends
One person I know likes the idea of a “Moana Apology” — from the Disney movie when Maui apologizes to Te Fiti.
Look, what I did was ....wrong.
I have no excuse
I'm sorry.
As Maya Angelou says, “When we know better, we do better.”
Until next month . . .
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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