By Elayne Savage, PhD
I found exchanges between congressional committee members and Robert Mueller unsettling: There was awkwardness and discontinuity and too much grandstanding. I was surprised to hear the extent of the anger and sarcasm.
I kept seeing an image of a tattered American flag that someone had tried to stitch back together. For me it symbolized the ripped fabric of our country.
Watching Robert Mueller struggle at times to find the precise word was especially painful for me. I was reminded of my own life-long struggles with words.
I, too, try to be precise but it takes effort. Most of my life dyslexia and mild ADHD have interfered with grabbing just the right word – and it doesn’t get any easier as I get older!
I’m pretty good at explaining concepts, presenting difficult, sophisticated ideas in easy to understand language. Yet exact words and phrases often elude me and finding the right words can be a struggle.
Writing these blogs over the last 12 years I find I can easily knock out a rudimentary first draft, but making it articulate can take hours.
How The Media Outdid Themselves with Ridicule
Seems to me many media outlets missed the point of Mueller’s need for precision. They portrayed his seeming struggles for choosing the right word as a deficit and made it a focus of attention.
They were ridiculing him for not remembering certain statements made in the report. How hard would it be to figure out that he didn’t write every word himself.
In her recent post my professional speaking colleague and friend Francine Ward, Esq. says it better than I ever could:
“Funny how many folks made snarky comments about Mueller not remembering what was in the 500 pages of a document his office prepared months ago.
I wonder how many of the complainants (who own homes) can recall every word in the mortgage agreements they signed? Or can readily recall the terms of use they agreed to when signing up for Facebook? Or, can easily recall what’s in the trust, will, or power of attorney they signed?
Further, if anyone has ever been a witness in a litigation, and not remembered everything asked of them, they may recall having their recollection refreshed by the lawyer offering a document for them to review.”
Mueller was clear he did not want to testify - and that everything he had to say was in the 448 pages of the report and he would not expand on it.
So Congress went ahead and subpoenaed him, hoping he would expand on the written statements. Why were they so surprised when he gave only one or two word answers, not adding much. I guess I was surprised to hear him being criticized for his brevity. I can’t count how many times during congressional hearings I’ve heard committee members chide witnesses: “Just give me a yes or no answer.” Did these guidelines change for Mr. Mueller?
His answers showed how reluctant he was to be there and how reticent he was about adding more detail to what was described in print.
Reluctance, Resistance and Reticence
So let’s talk a bit about reticence.
I’ve worked with hundreds of reluctant and reticent teens (and adults as well.) At first I never expect to get much more than yeses and noes and if lucky maybe a few ad-ons. Almost always the holding back decreases as we move forward.
This kind of withholding can involve many variations: resistance, stalling, foot dragging, yes-butting, only minimally complying and even a form of sabotaging.
The term used in psychology books for these kinds of behaviors is ‘passive aggressive.’ However, I find the actual description of these behaviors is more useful.
We got what we were promised. Mueller clearly stated he would be staying within the confines of the four corners of the Special Counsel report. And he did just that. Even maintaining composure in the face of flaring temper and disrespectful questioning.
Magical Thinking and Unrealistic Expectations
And when the hearings were over it’s interesting to speculate what brought on the often vicious, critical comments by the media and public. My guess is it was the amount of ‘magical thinking’ permeated the whole affair.
I often write about how unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointments. When expectations are not realized these disappointments can result in feeling cheated, jilted, rejected by, alienated from and angry at the person who disappointed you. Flickr: Pompin1
Sometimes as adults, we revert to the magical thinking of our childhood, when we lived midway between the world of magic and the world of reality and all things were possible.
Back then we believed we were the center of the world and our wishful thoughts could make things happen.
Magical thinking is a normal part of childhood development, but in the adult world it can be a setup for disappointment.
“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible,” says Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years.
Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.
The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. In this magical world the child also attributes various wondrous powers to other people or object.
With the arrival of secondary process thinking, at six or seven years old the child begins the age of reason, developing the ability to follow the rules of logic and taking external reality into consideration.
But sometimes, even though we’re grown up, we revert to magical thinking, and this leads us to repeated disappointments in life.
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)
Disappointments and Resentment
When we put someone on a pedestal and see them as an icon, the higher they are, the further and faster they tumble once they disappoint us. Too often we feel hurt and even rejected by people we care about because they didn’t, or couldn’t, or wouldn’t be what we need them to be. Sometimes we take it personally.
And sometimes folks overreact. Many of the media outlets actually surprised me by the depth of their venom.
Imagine criticizing someone because they asked for clarification to a muddled, jumbled, disordered, complex question. As a therapist and speaker I always want to be sure of the meaning of a question or statement. It feels unethical to try to guess and not clarify.
Many years ago I decided to get hearing aids as soon as I realized I was sometimes confusing consonants in therapy sessions. (Interestingly my audiologist thinks my hearing loss probably started when I was very young. I remembered an uncle told me several years ago: “You always pretended you couldn’t hear when you were little.” So it seems I've strained to hear since childhood and I recently learned I have developed an auditory processing problem which often accompanies hearing loss.)
And for 35 years I’ve been coaching therapy and workplace clients on how to check out meaning and request clarification. It’s especially difficult for those of us who grew up in families where the ‘rule’ was to avoid definition and clarification and never ask questions.
Nothing gets us into trouble in our relationships as much as responding when we are unclear about what someone means.
This is how I see 'communication problems':
Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings, anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much relationship space, there is barely room for connection.
How can we have productive conversations with partners, family, friends or business associates when there is no clear understanding of what is being said to each other?
And back to the hearings: Why would committee members and the media rush to judgement just because someone asks for clarification of a poorly stated question? And why did they try to outdo each other in attempting to leave the reputation of this witness in tatters?
Sure beats me. I'd love to hear your ideas on all of this.
More about how to ensure productive communication: Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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