By Elayne Savage, PhD
The news is full of terrific illustrations of self-sabotage. I don’t mean for this commentary to be political, and yet I just can’t resist commenting.
© Can Stock Photo / Aleutie
I’m thinking of course of the OK-ing of the release of the transcript of President Trump’s phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky. A set-up for criticism.
And then, came House Intel Chairman Adam Schiff’s opening statement when he attempted to parody the Trump-Zelensky phone call. Even though he prefaced his statement with “This is the essence of what the president communicates” he then intersperses the transcript with his own phrases, resulting in much confusion, criticism and backlash. Another set-up.
And of course we have Rudy Giuliani, our dependably foot-in-mouth TV talking head and the King of Mixed Messages which are set ups as well.
In each situation it seems to me there was some cluelessness about how their actions would be received and interpreted. No thought at all to the backlash. Subconscious self-sabotage?
Maybe these men didn’t confer with their advisors first before opening mouth and inserting foot. OR maybe they listened to some very bad advice from their advisors. OR maybe each one had a secret agenda for doing what they did.
OR
Maybe they self-sabotaged for the same reason many of us do: a feeling of unworthiness, inadequacy, insecurity, feeling like we don’t deserve the position or the job.
Self-sabotage is Self-rejecting Behavior
Self-sabotage happens when self-doubt creeps in.
Have you ever craved the prestige of a position of importance, yet secretly feared you might not have what it takes to get the job done? Maybe you felt a bit insecure. Maybe not quite comfortable with the responsibility. If you think negative thoughts about doing it, you may conjure up some sort of stumbling block. And then, of course, you don't have to find out if you really are capable.
As you can see, lots of subconscious things might be going on.
Then again, maybe it’s not self-sabotage at all that causes these gaffes. Maybe it’s lack of experience or dubious judgement. However, these happenings do seem to me like some form of subconscious self-sabotage – so let’s take a look at what this could mean...
Clogging Up the Machinery
History offers this intriguing image of how the word ‘sabotage” came to be:
You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.
What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?
Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.
Underneath the polished, and successful exterior of many politicians, low self-worth may be lurking. Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy. It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be something they are not, they are may feel a huge relief.
In the case of President Trump, just maybe, under all the boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and even ashamed. Maybe he keeps reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.
Could some of these same underlying motivations be going on for Rep. Schiff and Rudy Giuliani as well?
Engaging in risk-taking behavior might be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.
Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught!
Getting caught is what President Trump accused Adam Schiff of:
“Rep. Adam Schiff fraudulently read to Congress, with millions of people watching, a version of my conversation with the President of Ukraine that doesn’t exist.
HE WAS DESPERATE AND HE GOT CAUGHT. Adam Schiff therefore lied to Congress and attempted to defraud the American Public.”
Might you, too, might throw your shoes into the machinery at one time or another?
Can Stock Photo / abluecup
Opposing Voices in Stereophonic Sound
Self-sabotage is often a reflection of ambivalence. By this I mean an internal conflict is playing out - a clash between two opposing voices: "I can. I can't." "I want to. I don't."
Might Mr. Trump be feeling some conflict here about being The Prez? Could there be two conflicting messages regarding his desire to be president and his self-doubt about his ability to do a good job?
The influence of ambivalence is of course not restricted to politicians and their staffs. When those conflicting voices start reverberating, we manage to find creative ways to sabotage ourselves in our personal and professional relationships.
And by the way, saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the garbage around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?
These behaviors easily promote disarray and chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. Sound familiar?
Let Me Count the Ways
Over the years I've become quite the expert at sabotaging myself. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone.
More times than I can count, I've not listened to that small warning voice, and blurt out something inappropriate. Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization!
Now I recheck things before sending them out and I try to plan carefully so I don't mess up.(Sure it’s my ADHD contributing to the errors, however making the time for a careful re-check makes a big difference in my feeling good about myself instead of dismayed because of my errors.)
Do you find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about your capability and competence? Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy? Do you ever block our success by working against your own best interests?
When we don't listen to our inner voice, we miss opportunities, Or conversely, we might ignore that warning voice that pops us when we are about to say something that could get us into trouble.
You know the voice I mean, " The one that says" Best to keep your mouth shut – now!"
And all too often we don't listen. Many of us could sure benefit from developing a good filtering system and personal boundaries. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be influenced by a friend, advisor, coach, or therapist? "Do this." "Say that," "Write what I suggest." And we find ourselves blindly following their suggestion without thinking it through.
Sometimes we don't consider the repercussions or the effect of our words or actions on others. (As a relationship and workplace coach, I've learned how the misuse of power can be counter-productive. Even though my clients ask for 'advice,' I try to present ideas as 'options' and 'choices.')
Maybe there's some ambivalence about getting away with something and a part sort of wants to be found out. It's easy enough to get forgetful and leave materials or devices around that others might find.
Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we have a need for self punishment – especially for the litany of times we think we've done something "bad."
Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.
- Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.
- Have you made relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment?
- Have you engaged in sloppy business practices, resulting in failure?
- Have you missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough to your inner voice.
- Might you sometimes seemed to have a need to punish yourself? Maybe even for every "bad" thing you’ve ever done! Self-sabotage is often the method of choice.
Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.
Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. We deflect anxiety through avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism and making excuses.
Can you think of other ways?
When Self-sabotaging Thoughts are Below our Radar
What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog or stop your machinery? Because these thoughts are often below our radar we're not aware of them.
If you want to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, you have to know you're doing it. If you can't see something, you can't change it.
When you recognize your doubts and fears you begin to understand how they may be affecting your behavior.
By 'walking alongside yourself' and mindfully recognizing and naming your thoughts and actions, you can make a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.
Try Asking Yourself:
- Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about? What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?
- Which do I fear more – failure or success
- What's the worst thing that could happen?
Then say the answers out loud. Even better to state them out loud to another person.
Hearing yourself say the words helps take the charge off of the fear.
Wouldn't it be great to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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