By Elayne Savage,PhD
CanStock: by 72soul
“GET OVER IT," says White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. regarding the phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President Zelensky.
And I cringed.These are hurtful words for me to hear. You see, I have a cringe-worthy history with that phrase.
My contentious relationship with ‘Get over it” began when I was 12 years old and well-wishers and do-gooders hugged me and hugged me and hugged me after the joint funeral for my mother and grandmother. They said things like “Tuck your feelings away - try to get over it.”
Well, no. It doesn’t quite work that way. That early trauma has continued to affect many of my personal and professional interactions. Losing them suddenly in a plane crash taught me it it’s safer to hold back on loving someone - they might leave or die.
And it’s not just me: I often hear stories about the effects from ‘Get over it” from my therapy clients. Maybe it was a breakup, maybe a job loss, maybe a death, maybe inappropriate behavior by a family member.
It is especially painful after they have mustered the courage to talk about an early painful event. And some clients describe feeling inadequate and ashamed that they can’t push away effects of their early trauma.
And yes, I have even heard stories about psychotherapists or psychiatrists or doctors who have given the same advice: “Just try to get over it!” maybe wanting to be helpful and not realizing how hurtful these words it can be.
There is a certain sarcasm when someone says, “Get over it.” It so easily translates to “Deal with it” or “Stop living in the past” or “Why can’t you just move on.”
I’ve come to understand what a big difference there is between the dismissive “get over it” and the empowering choice of moving forward.
Feeling Unsupported By a Friend Felt Like Betrayal
Following the shock of 9/11 I wrote a piece titled ‘What’s Going to Happen to Me?’ relating how these crashing planes caused so many deaths and remembering my own shock and trauma when my mother and grandmother died in a DC-3 plane crash when I was a child.
Back then I didn’t talk about how painful my loss was, And in this piece, because I described such personal feelings and fears, I felt I I didn’t have enough objectivity about my. writing. So I asked a few close friends to read it and give me feedback.
The consensus was that my story could be comforting to others - especially because I acknowledged my own fears and struggles.
Then I made the mistake of sharing this with a good friend, also a writer.
He knew about my experience of being discouraged in my family to talk about the crash or ask questions. He knew how decades later I sought answers and even sent away for reports and photos of the crash site. I was trying to piece it all together. And I was finally allowing a long-delayed healing process begin.
But it's slow going.
Each time a plane goes down, it feels like my mother's plane crashes again. And that special place in my heart aches.
My friend knew about all this, yet when he read the draft he responded “Get over it.”
I was shocked and hurt to my core. I knew I could not continue to be his friend.
Recently I shared a bit of my experience of the crash with a relatively new friend. He asked if I might be letting that experience define me. That was hard to hear and digest, but he is absolutely right!
Thinking about it this way allows me to create a way to balance some of the negative effects of that early trauma.
Telling he story of the crash leading to my journey in developing resilience has become one of my favorite keynote speeches.
And I like to think of getting paid well to do this is my little joke on the world!
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So I began writing this a week ago, the day Mick Mulvaney made his crack about “Get over it.” Then I got derailed by the mandated electrical blackouts here due to the fires and high winds. This is basically a first draft and probably can use some editing!
I had no land line,cell phone, no wifi, no email, and for a while, no texting ability,. What an isolating and scary feeling that was! No way to make or receive contact or charge devices unless I drove to another location.
I want to share with you the story of an offer by a neighbor around the corner when none of us had electricity.
Turns out somehow his house had power and he posted on NextDoor the neighborhood listserve: “If anyone needs to charge up their phones or electronics we have power. There's a power strip out down the driveway. Just remember to bring your own charger.” His thoughtfulness did a lot to offset a couple of pretty miserable days.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
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