Making Someone Bad and Wrong

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri

 

 

Making someone “bad and wrong” is in the air. Seems like every day there is another personal attack – followed by an attack on the attacker.

 

When one or both feel they have to be right, there’s just not enough space for two opinions or ideas or beliefs.

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

 

Sometimes they even encourage others to choose sides. It becomes a proof of loyalty to them and they take it personally and feel betrayed when they think others are not being supportive.

 

Sometimes there is just no room for mistakes and even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of what a bad person he or she is.

 

Some folks seem to have a need to punish others for a missstep, like when a dog has an 'accident' and rubbing it's nose in it "to teach a lesson."

 

Then again, sometimes it emanates from just plain mean-spiritedness or being vindictive and retaliating.

 

Wrapped up in our need to make someone bad and wrong is often our inability to take responsibility and own shame. Some of us struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed (or shamed.) And we cannot tolerate those feelings in ourselves. This can lead to psychological projection (see below.)

 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

 

The Attack-Defend Dynamic

 

When a finger is pointed and someone feels criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. The Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and lashes out.

 

Sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing

Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning

 

These are all rejecting behaviors of course.

 

Have you, too, been feeling immersed in this kind of ‘bad and wrong’ finger-pointing behavior coming out of just about every corner of political activity?

 

And when the finger is pointed at us over and over again, we can all too easily inflate and perpetuate the idea that yes, we are indeed a bad person  – a self-image most likely originating in childhood.

Revisiting Childhood Messages

 

Good Kid/Bad Kid

Let’s take a look at the concept of “good” and “bad” within families. In some families one child appears to be designated as the “good” one, while another child is thought of as “bad.”

 

These good and bad roles often span several generations with designations being passed down.  

 

And what about those of us who learned to feel bad about ourselves each time we were sent to our room in shame, isolated from our family?

 

"You don't deserve to sit with us at the dinner table! Go to your room." No surprise that we go so easily to a ‘shame’ place now.

 

Others of us somehow learned along the way we are ceding power if we allow space for another person to be right or to make a point. So by puffing ourselves up to feel powerful we diminish others.

 

Or maybe we just like the excitement of an argument. Some families actually feel more connected through argument and raised voices.

 

The dynamic of making someone Bad and Wrong is a frequent focus in my sessions with couples and families and in workplace mediation.

 

I often ask: “Do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to be right?

Let’s talk about other ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.

 

Some of us puff ourselves up which looks like bullying behavior. To not feel so inadequate, we inflate ourselves by diminishing others.

Sometimes perceived slights morph into perceived enemies when we become suspicious of others' intentions.

 

Sometimes we become vindictive or vengeful. Sometimes we rant or throw a tantrum or lash out.

 

Sometimes we flail out in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves.

 

Sometimes we accuse others of the same behaviors we have done ourselves. This is psychological projection.

 

If you have followed these blogs for 10 or15 years you may be aware how often I highlight projection in connection with blaming and taking things personally.

 

 

Psychological Projection Explains a Lot About  “Bad and Wrong”

 

Projection is when we unconsciously attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.

 

When we find ourselves with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to try to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings.

 

A common way we protect ourselves is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others. Especially to those who disagree with us. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients and so are those who are on the other side of the political aisle.

 

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

 

• It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:

"This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves. What might they be saying?“

 

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be?

 

Can you create some distance by reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting?

 

By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options. And you can 'make a choice to make a change' in your reactions.

 

Think about it this way: you cannot really change a behavior if you cannot see it. So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can choose to return to a fork in the road and to move forward along a new path.

Yes, you can 'make a choice to make a change.'

 

 

 

More on psychological projection and 'a wise way to handle hurtful gnarly people'

 

I bet you have ideas and challenges to add here. Would love to hear from you . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage