By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
Misrepresented or untrue statements from both Conventions have been really difficult for me to hear. It feels like a punch to the gut and is totally crazy-making.
My stomach knots up as I remember my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. And trying to figure out if I really did hear or see something and being told ‘“You’re imagining it. it’s all in your head!”
Hearing days of lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy during this especially savage campaigning brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.
“You’re imagining it!”
“You didn’t hear me say that.”
“You must have misunderstood.”
“No, that’s not what you saw!”
‘It’s all in your head.”
“What are you, crazy?”
Everything Up is Down
Being in my family was like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. And definitely crazy-making.
I remember how members of my family seemed to speak gibberish, not making much sense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to understand their meaning.
And yet there seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.
Many years later when I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, nonsense reasoning, evasiveness and deflections. AND a total denial of my observations and perceptions.
Then there was the accompanying drama and chaos to distract from goings-on that really needed attention and clarification.
When I Was a Kid I Hated Being Lied To –– And I Hate It Now Too
I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I was especially sensitive to lying even as a young child. I was probably about 3 or 4 and remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know. But it wasn't easier for me.
I never quite forgave my father for lying to me. I think that was the first time I gave myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth. There were many such self-deprecating messages over the years.
"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
For me, the most surreal, uncomfortable and confusing part of this whole election drama are the repeated denials of present and previous statements and actions.
Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.
It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was pulling the wool over my eyes. But I still watched Trust deteriorate.
Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."
Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.
The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. This inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.' Especially when someone discounts your and makes you feel bad and wrong to have your own ideas about what really happened.
Laing's article begins: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."
I don't like being fooled.
It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. It certainly brings up old feelings of rejection. And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.
These days these behaviors are referred to as ‘gaslighting.’
Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.
Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots,
We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads. And now they can blame each other about covid and protests.
In the January 2008 issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.”
I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.' More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html
And I wrote that almost 13 years ago!
Back when I wrote those words I didn't dream how much the viciousness of personal attacks would escalate.
It's really getting to me. Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.
'These last weeks there are lots of rejecting behavior: Mocking. Belittling. Scoffing. Criticizing. Slighting. Insulting. Faulting. Deceiving. Accusing. Attacking.
Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising dozens of others.
The common denominator of these words is rejection. And the opposite of disrespect of course is respect and sadly it seems to be missing.
And Exploitation, Too
I was stunned to see newly naturalized citizens showcased by President Trump as he presided over a White House ceremony – I guess to show his pro-Immigrant sentiment. They apparently were not notified that the videos were going to be used during the RNC programming. Not very respectful, was it?
The folks invited to speak about their concerns regarding the city’s housing authority, but that they were never told the video would be part of the Convention. Not very respectful, was it?
I’ve been interviewed many times on tape and video and my experience is that usually releases are signed to set forth the terms and conditions in which the people in the video agree to participate.
I’m particularly sensitive to exploitation from my own life and all the years I have worked with exploited children and adults as a social worker and in private practice.
Hmmmm. This exposure without informed consent sure feels a lot like exploitation to me.
The Trickle-Down Effect
When I'm feeling affected by what the world is tossing at me, it helps to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' You may know the concept as 'Parallel Process.'
You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.
Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other.
We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.
This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate. From one context to another.
And it seems to be trickling down to some of us as well –– I’m noticing how I am becoming more snippy, snarky, impatient and short-tempered. You too?
There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I’ve been finding myself checking things out every day with Find AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck
And yes, it is validating many of my perceptions.
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
I spent a couple of hours reading about both the DNC and RNC conventions on various Fact Check sites, Seems to me the Associated Press site is one of the most neutral so I'm quoting from it . . .
According to AP Fact Checks:
“Joe Biden and fellow Democrats spun an assortment of facts to their benefit in their national convention, omitting inconvenient truths such as Barack Obama’s record of aggressive deportations and swift action by a Republican president to save the auto industry more than a decade ago.”
Another example: “Michelle Obama assailed President Donald Trump on Monday for ripping migrant children from their parents and throwing them into cages, picking up on a frequent and distorted point made widely by Democrats.
She’s right that Trump’s now-suspended policy at the U.S.-Mexico border separated thousands of children from their families in ways that had not been done before. But what she did not say is that the very same “cages” were built and used in her husband’s administration, for the same purpose of holding migrant kids temporarily.”
“Meantime President Donald Trump flooded the zone with falsehoods, some so apparent that anyone with access to the internet could see the folly of them at a glance”.
Some examples: “President Trump claimed accomplishments he didn’t earn on the pandemic, energy and veterans at a Republican convention finale that also heard Black Lives Matter baselessly accused of coordinating violent protests across the country.”
“Vice President Mike Pence and fellow Republicans pressed a distorted case Wednesday that President Donald Trump took over a moribund economy from Barack Obama and supercharged it. That’s not what happened.”
“Speakers at the Republican National Convention also hailed Trump for protecting the health insurance of people with preexisting illness, flipping reality on its head as his administration tries to overturn the law that guarantees those protections.”
“A St. Louis lawyer featured during the Republican National Convention falsely claimed that Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden and his party want to ‘abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning.’”
“Biden does not propose banishing single-family homes. Nor would he get rid of the suburbs. “
Curious? Here are the links:
AP FACT CHECK: What the Dems didn't say, and what Trump did
https://apnews.com/e86b701ff234ec507f8e4059547a680b
AP FACT CHECK: Michelle Obama and the kids in ‘cages’
https://apnews.com/2663c84832a13cdd7a8233becfc7a5f3
AP FACT CHECK: Is US great again or dystopian? GOP says both
https://apnews.com/eebf6a1f6ce79cfc00456f27e8e928f7AP FACT
AP FACT CHECK: Trump distorts record; BLM falsely accused
https://apnews.com/699e0c893bfbd986cea11b6f403beb3e
AP FACT CHECK: GOP taps distortions to heap praise on Trump
https://apnews.com/7c6c47ba0bef4fb26ca667e4ea15e131
AP FACT CHECK: Biden’s stance on suburbs twisted at RNC
https://apnews.com/c38a662b153d953ab9fefa9d13ac4784
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Would really like to hear from you about your experience with all of this.
Stay safe out there . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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