by Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles
Lately there has been an amazing amount of name calling and finger-pointing and making someone ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ coming from both political and personal venues.
And these perceived slights co-exist with lots of taking things personally and retaliatory behaviors.
When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating.
Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”
The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously:
Lashing out
Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing
Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning
You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.
What I don’t hear about are apologies for these out-of-control behaviors.
I don’t see folks taking responsibility for their often outrageous conduct.
For many of us apologizing is really hard to do.
Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions:
‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”
It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,
“I’m sorry I hurt you,”
or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.”
or “I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.”
The way I see it, our ability to step up and take responsibility and offer a sincere apology too often has to do with Blind Spots we have about ourselves and our behavior.
Blind Spots Are Those Traits About Ourselves We Just Don’t See, Although Others Do
Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.
This blind spot prevents us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.
Psychological Projection to the Rescue
In order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.
We project aspects of our own sadness, our anger, our resentment, our badness, our tendency to be patronizing or manipulative or competitive or controlling, our fears and vulnerability and dependency and other insecurities.
Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.
And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.
Can you see how easily Blind Spots and Projection can get in the way of sincere apology?
An Important Part of Apologizing: Acknowledging and Taking Responsibility for Behavior
Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed – or shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling which many of us grew up with at home or from teachers or peers.
Sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.
That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. At times our own sense of pride interferes with us noticing how hurtful our words or actions or inactions might be to the other person.
Sometimes these are generational family “this is how we have always done it in my family” kinds of messages.
And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.
At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy – we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand their hurt and to share their feelings.
And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.
Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
“Stages of Denial”
I was recently sent a note from reader Lisa Doran encapsulating her impressions of typical statements made when a sincere apology was needed.
I think Lisa really nailed it and I want to share it with all you . . .
“Stages of Denial” that I hear and see over and overby Lisa Doran
1. I didn’t do it
2. If I did do it, I didn’t mean to do it
3. I don’t understand why this is an issue anyway. This is a “you” thing
4. If I did do it, it’s your fault I did it
5. I already said I’m sorry (note: this is said after no sorry’s have been expressed)
This sounds really familiar to me. To you too? And it also sounds like gaslighting to me ... what do you think?
'Make a Choice to Make a Change'TM
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.
So by walking alongside yourself and mindfully ‘noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behavior, you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path.
You can ‘make a choice to make a change!’
I’d love to hear your ideas about apologies – you can email me at [email protected]
© Elayne Savage, PhD
More about Blind Spots:
More about Taking Things Personally and Psychological Projection:
More about taking Responsibility and Sincere Apologies:
Until next month …Elayne
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