By Elayne Savage, PhD
In his recent State of the Union address President Biden described America as: “Turning setback into comeback.”
What a great way to describe our resilience as a country!
Have you happened to notice how the idea of resilience is getting lots of attention these days?
I’ve been intrigued with the concept of Resilience for decades. In fact, in the 80’s I actually wanted to focus my doctoral research on resilience, but it would have required a longitudinal study. And after a total of 11 years in in Masters and PhD programs while working full time, I was ready to be done, done, done.
Turns out when I researched perceived childhood rejection and adult intimacy, I found that experiences of rejection alone did not necessarily lower a person’s capacity for intimacy.
The mediating factor appears to be whether negative belief systems, behaviors, or personality dispositions developed because of the individual’s experiences of rejection by parents.
Why were some children able to grow into adulthood without developing these negative patterns?
Most likely it’s because of their resilience.
By the way, both Don’t Take it Personally – the Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room grew out of my research and dissertation!
From Don’t Take It Personally!
“Some children learn to cope with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat . . .They are often called the “resilient ones,” the “survivors,” “the transcenders.”
They find strengths deep within themselves that enable them to stay intact as they move through the difficulties of life. (Many) have been able to develop small pieces of strengths here and there.
The challenge has been to recognize the strengths and weave them together—reinforcing them. Yes, it’s true that sometimes it seems we don’t have much to work with, but that’s where counseling can help out—by identifying and solidifying strengths ….
Why do some children seem to have this buoyancy, this natural knack for coping with the trauma in their lives more successfully than other children?
What makes them different than those who are more damaged by the winds of life’s experiences? Somehow they’ve learned a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows.
Experts speculate that resilient children have a different view of the world than other children, and therefore, they have different responses to life situations.
- They operate out of empowerment rather than impotence.
- They develop self-regard rather than self-degradation.
- Their approach to life is reflective rather than impulsive.
- They can step back from a situation, be objective, and keep their perspective.
When positive experiences are lacking inside the family, they have been able to reach outside the family for what they need. These children have most likely been inspired by at least one person in their life, such as a relative, teacher, or neighbor, who provided the modeling, nurturing.
Lillian Rubin, author of The Transcendent Child, refers to (these) children …. “as trusting and open enough to recognize opportunities and accept a hand when it is offered.
These children found an “interest or activity —books, music, art, sports — that took them out of the family and into another world....” They had “the ability to attract others who ... become the mentors and surrogates who light the way and fill the gaps left by the past ... who can help fill the empty spaces inside.
These transcendent children lived at the periphery of family life, either because they were abused or because they didn’t fit. As one person said, “I felt like a dog in a cat family.”
They were able to distance themselves, disidentify, and “grasp alternatives when they came into view.
They were able to stop knocking on a door that was closed to them, to recognize that members of their family were not able to give them what they needed.”
And as I remind my therapy and workplace clients, their resilience helps them figure out they can walk down the hallway or down the street or across town and find another door to knock on. This could be a neighbor, another relative, a teacher, a mentor.
I value the in-person and phone conversations I had with Lillian Rubin as I came to understand her perspective on the ‘Transcendent Child’ and I was even able to recognize myself a little bit!
Psychologist/Anthropologist Ronald Rohner has studied acceptance and rejection world-wide and he was an early mentor as I struggled to navigate my dissertation. In Dr. Rohner’s academic book on rejection and he sees resilience as having three components:
- a sense of self
- a sense of self-determination
- the capacity to not take things personally
As soon as I read #3 “the capacity to not take things personally,” I was intrigued and immediately knew how, from that moment on, this is where I would be focusing my therapy, coaching, workshops and keynotes!
My Experience with Harper Lee and Scout
Looking back I can see a glimmer of my early resilience a few years earlier.
In the early 60’s in college, I just loved reading To Kill a Mockingbird and became absolutely intrigued by Scout’s spunk.
I wanted to learn to be courageous just like Scout.
My senior year of college at Bama, I was Business Manager of the Mahout, the humor magazine and was in charge of planning the Board of Publications banquet.
Nelle Harper Lee had been editor of the Humor Magazine many years earlier and my colleagues dared me to invite her to keynote the banquet.
Guess what . . .her phone number was actually listed and before I could change my mind the operator was connecting me!
I can still see myself in the Mahout office, the phone in my shaking hand. My colleagues hovering over me, listening to every word.
Of course she respectfully and regretfully declined the invitation. I would not have wanted to drive 140 miles either.
Yet what a thrill it was to speak with her! And how proud I was of myself for making that call! This act of courage on my part opened the way to some much-needed self-acceptance. I would no longer think of myself as the timid kid, always believing “I can’t.” That moment was my first realization that “yes I can!”
Scout’s Amazing Spunk
The image of that day is forever etched. And whenever I need a big dose of encouragement, I can pull it up again in my mind . . . and feel the flush of bravery I had felt that day. I think what actually happened is I borrowed some of Scout’s spunk. In my most challenging moments thinking back to that phone call to Harper Lee gives me renewed courage. It helps me be ‘out there in the world.’
Here is the original Harper Lee/Scout blog:
A Life-Changing Phone Call to Harper Lee
Can you think of an experience in your own life that stands out as a beacon of light for approaching future courageous situations?
The Many Flavors of “Spunk”
So I often thing about the many flavors of “spunk.” Here a few of the spunk-like terms that especially resonate for me: perseverance determination bravery courage fearlessness tenacity feistiness Each of these has slightly different colorations, yet it seems to me that they are each aspects of resilience.
Can you think of some other descriptions that relate to your own experiences? Do you, too, have stories to tell?
Resilience in Siblings Might Be Different Flavors
By the way, the amount and form of resilience is often different with siblings. This is especially true when there is a several year age difference.
The day-to-day living situation in the family may have changed – in areas of economic or physical or emotional health or the use of alcohol or drugs. So sometimes the family the older child grew up in is not exactly the same as the family the younger child experiences.
I coach many adult estranged sibs toward respectfully rebuilding/repairing relationships and I see this difference in resilience often.
More from Don’t Take It Personally!
Here are a few highlights on resilience from Don’t Take It Personally! describing how resilient people have the ability to stay intact as they navigate the difficulties of life:
- stepping back from a situation, being objective, and keeping perspective
- developing a buoyancy, a natural knack for coping with trauma in life
- operating out of empowerment rather than impotence
- developing self-regard rather than self-degradation
- approaching life reflectively rather than impulsively
- coping with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat
- learning a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows
I guess you could say I not only learned about spunk from Scout — I also learned how to recognize and appreciate resilience in myself!
Hmmm. I wonder what more I might learn from Scout if I were to re-read her story now.
© Elayne Savage
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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