Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

'Pebbling' is Small Acts of Caring – What better Way to Show Respect?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I was planning to write about respect this month because it seems to be the focus of so many clients these days regarding all kinds of relationships: friendships, romantic, and work related.   
 
But then the other day I came across a headline asking “Can Pebbling Really Help You and Your Partner Grow Closer?”

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/pebbling-really-help-partner-grow-110000532.html
 

Pebbling???

I just love this background: the term pebbling comes from the mating habits of gentoo penguins in Antarctica. When a young male penguin wants to find a mate he carefully chooses a smooth shiny stone to bring to the female he is interested in. If the female accepts, together they bring more stones to build their nest.
 
I had not heard this term before and didn’t know what ‘pebbling’ means. But I recognize the concept of “doing small, kind actions to show someone you care about them.”
 
Actually for several decades this has been one of my favorite themes in my books and my workshops and my therapy and coaching sessions. 
 
I’ve been calling it “small acts of caring.” Which is a terrific way to validate relationships.

. . . AND also a terrific way to re-balance misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking things personally.  
 
These acts are really about respecting and acknowledging and appreciating. So looks like I’m finding myself actually writing about respect.
 
Offering to help out with an errand or grocery shop or to take care of having the car serviced or to offer to drop off and/or pick up the dry cleaning or picking up a little special dessert.  Other forms of pebbling could be an online “hi” message during the day, or a text message sharing a news story about a common interest. 
 
I’m sharing from both of my books a few caveats on 'caring'... 
 
Caring is Not Symmetrical 
 
It’s helpful to remember that the style of one person may be different from the other, especially if each person grew up in a very different type of family with very different ways of showing caring.
 
Or in a family which did not know how to show caring.
 
And there are just as many ways of missing someone’s intentions because their style of caring is so different from our own.
 
A woman I know was often disappointed when her partner didn’t say or do things to show he cared. 
 
“Some of the things he does are silly — not very significant,” she would complain. 
 
“For instance, on our recent trip to France, one morning Gary stopped the car, went into a patisserie, and came out with a huge piece of cake that was mostly icing. He handed it to me, saying, ‘I thought you’d like this.’
 
“Well I ate it, even though 9 A.M. did seem a little early for all that icing.”
 
She’s very practical and generally doesn’t like surprises, it reminds her too much of growing up in her unpredictable family. 
 
He likes to plan small unexpected surprises. His dad used to do the same with his mom. 
 
Gary’s little surprises are his way of giving to her, it’s the best way he knows to show he cares, and he can’t understand why she gets upset with him. 
 
In their relationship, he provides a lot of “icing” when she has “cake” in mind. 
 
“I can’t believe I used to get so upset,” she says. “Now I realize how he does things in his little Gary ways

to make me happy, and I’ve been overlooking his intentions all this time.”
 

'Not Thinking' Does Not Mean 'Not Caring'

 

A student complains, “I always offer him rides because he doesn’t have a car on campus.”
 
When her car was in the shop for repairs for several days he actually had his father’s car.
 
“He didn’t even think to offer me a ride those two weeks to run errands.” 

It didn’t occur to her he just doesn't 'think' in the caring way she does.
 
Seems she was equating “not thinking” with “not caring.

 

Making Amends
 

This story is about two friends, Penny and Martha, who were having a hurtful misunderstanding and their previous respect for each other was rapidly turning into resentment. This was during a time when Penny was busy working on a political campaign and Martha felt ignored.
 
When they came to see me to try to work things out, I suggested creating ‘amends’ that each could do — little acts of caring.
 
Penny’s ‘amend’ was she wanted Martha to take her to lunch at a new, kind of pricey restaurant. 
 
Martha wanted Penny to call her once a week for three months, which is the amount of time she felt ignored while Penny was working so many hours on the political campaign.
 
And what did Martha want Penny to say in the phone call as an act of caring?
 “Hi, Martha, I’m thinking about you.”
 
By the way, the workplace invites lots of opportunities to do some pebbling too. Many  ways to sometimes make someone’s job a little lighter.

 

Do you have a great example of 'pebbling?'  Either about good experiences or about misunderstandings.

I'd love to hear from you: email me at [email protected] or on the comments section in the box below...
 
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are available on Kindle and

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:

amzn.to/4fudKOy

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:


amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 
 
 
 

FactChecking the Biden-Trump Debate – My Impressions of Theater of the Absurd

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

 

Sure has been tons of commentary and interpretations about the Trump/Biden debate. 

 

I had profound reactions to both candidates.  And it turns out I had some very different observations and conjectures than has been reported by most media. 

 

I just blame it on my tendency to respect my intuitive sense - to trust my gut. Not that I am ever sure I am !00% right – but often I am.

 

So this blog is very personal – I'm describing here my experiences of watching, the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach from both candidates and the overwhelming feelings that were coming up for me.

 

There has been a lot of chatter about Donald Trump's larger-then-life presence dominating Biden's seemingly barely-existent energy.

 

But for me, Donald Trump's 'bigness' felt uncomfortably familiar – all puffed up like the bullies who used to terrorize me when I was a child playing in the alley between the Washington DC brick rowhouses.

 

 

Feeling Intimidated

 

Donald Trump is a formidable opponent! Especially when he puffs himself up and assumes his bully stance. He did it on The Apprentice and he continues to play the role in real life.

 

When someone puffs up like this they take up a lot of space. It doesn't leave much room for the other person.

 

And they become diminished.

 

And it seemed to me that this is what was happening to Joe Biden – as Trump became larger-then-life, Biden became smaller . . . and smaller.

 

 

Ambivalence is ‘Feeling Stuck’

 

The first thought that kept nagging at me throughout the debate was how I found myself wondering if, in fact, Joe Biden might be struggling with an unidentified conflict - feeling torn between wanting to run again and conflicted about running again. I kept returning to the thought throughout the debate.

 

I have heard so many therapy and coaching clients describe "feeling stuck" when they are struggling with ambivalence. 

 

And I have certainly struggled with this internal argument myself – many times.

 

This state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something is ambivalence. 

 

"l want to run again /I don’t want to run again”

"I can do it/ maybe I can't."

 

I blogged about my struggles with ambivalence when I was to trying to publish my first blog in 2007:

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

 

Too often when we find ourselves in this kind of a stuck place, we end up doing some unconscious self-sabotaging. I sure know I sometimes do.

 

 

Freezing and Blanking Out

 

There has been lots of speculation about Joe Biden’s stumbling over words and silences.

 

As a professional speaker and an often-interviewed author over the last 25 years, I sure know the feeling of blanking out on a phrase or a word. 

 

Having nearby notes in case I need a word has always been my security blanket.

Always makes me really nervous to not have my blanky handy.

 

Sometimes my memory lapses are due to nervousness, but more often due to my ADHD.

 

One time, just before I was ready to leave for a National Speakers event to present a mini training, I received the news that a family friend had been murdered.

 

I physically showed up to the event but was really not emotionally present and had several blank-outs during my short presentation. 

 

Watching Joe Biden's demeanor at the beginning of the debate I was reminded of that nightmare experience and found myself wondering if he might have just been made aware of some disturbing information that absorbed his attention.

 

I was pretty sure Donald Trump would repeat many of the out-and out lies he has been campaigning with, but I was shocked at the hugeness of his lies during the debate – much worse then I imagined it would be.  I could see from Joe Biden’s open-mouthed expression that he, too, was totally blown away by the number and inflation of the lies.

 

And I'm sure my mouth was dropping open as well.

 

The expression I read in Biden’s eyes was “I can’t believe yet another lie, and another and another.”

 

And I’m sure my eyes were showing the same kind of disbelief.

 

Actually I was aware that some of my disbelief was that the CNN moderators were clearly not going to call out any of the exaggerations and outright lies coming out of the mouths of either Donald Trump or Joe Biden.

 

I kept thinking I saw a look of "where are you? Why aren't you saying something?

 

When someone makes up lies about something, it is always especially hard for me when it feels like they are dismissing my own perceptions that I know I saw with my own eyes or heard with my own ears.

 

 

“You’re Imagining It”

 

The message is all to familiar from my childhood and I have a huge visceral reaction: 

 

“It’s all in your mind.”

 

"I didn't say that."  

 

"Why would you think that?"

 

“You’re imagining it”

 

My stomach still knots up when someone lies to me and disputes my reality. Certainly we each might have a different perception – I’m talking here about intentional lying which is gaslighting.

 

 

Gaslighting

 

Outright, purposeful lying is gaslighting because it is an attempt to manipulate reality.

 

I have blogged many times in the past about gaslighting:

Here is one example:

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2021/02/describing-the-capitol-siege-like-a-performance-piece.html

 

 

Exaggerating vs. Outright Lying 

 

You probably are aware that several media outlets have been comparing what they call Biden's 'exaggerations' and 'misstatements' with what they call Trump's 'lies':

 

Here are some links :

 

AP:  https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-misinformation-election-debate-trump-biden-577507522762aa10f6ee5be3a0ced2bb

 

FOX: https://www.livenowfox.com/news/presidential-debate-fact-biden-trump-false-claims.amp

 

FactCheck.org: https://www.factcheck.org/2024/06/factchecking-the-biden-trump-debate/

 

PBS: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/fact-checking-the-claims-biden-and-trump-made-during-the-debate

 

CNN: https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/06/27/politics/fact-checking-the-cnn-presidential-debate

 

There are many many more articles  – Just google something like 'Trump Biden debate lies.'

 

 

Accusations of Getting High and Getting Over-Energized

 

Another observation I had watching the debate was remembering all the pre-debate accusations by the Trump team that Biden would be ‘high’ on stimulant energy drinks like caffeine or Red Bull, or Mountain Dew or even drugs like Adderall.

 

This Adderall accusation about Biden brought back déjà vu memories of 2 years ago when there were quite a few speculations about whether Trump might have been over-using Adderall.

 

Hey, most of us can use an energy boost once in a while.  I can sure use one if I have a late evening client or a deadline.  I’m a big fan of using a couple sprays of vitamin B12 into my mouth for a boost of energy when I need it!

 

During this debate we could definitely see by his low energy that  Biden probably was not using stimulants.

 

I found myself wondering if he or his team might have been concerned he would be asked by the moderators about (or accused by Trump of) using energy/performance enhancing drugs, and he was wanting to be able to truthfully say “no.” 

 

I found myself thinking he sure could have used a swig or two of Donald Trump’s caffeine-laced Diet Cokes! 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Did you watch the debate? Wondering what your impressions and observations were.

 

^{NEW NOTE: Wanting to add this recent development from the Supreme Court a few days after the debate:}

On 7/1/24 the U.S. Supreme Court majority ruled that presidents — including former President Donald Trump — have immunity from prosecution when carrying out “official acts.”

“Under our constitutional structure of separated powers, the nature of Presidential power entitles a former President to absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for actions within his conclusive and preclusive constitutional authority,” the court wrote. “And he is entitled to at least presumptive immunity from prosecution for all his official acts. There is no immunity for unofficial acts.”

^{Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote how the ruling, makes a “mockery of the principle” that no one is above the law."}

^{“The relationship between the President and the people he serves has shifted irrevocably. In every use of official power, the President is now a king above the law.”}

^{…With fear for our democracy, I dissent.”}

^{A king above the law? Wow - Amazing timing!}

^{Just think, the Supreme Court of the United States is giving what many consider to be king-like power to US Presidents just 3 days before we were about to celebrate the 255th year of our Independence from the rule of English kings!}  

 

And more recently: I am really bothered by the Secret Service not protecting Donald Trump, in fact leaving him exposed to the possibility of a repeated attack.  That's supposed to be their job. Is there some reason when they were warned about possible danger they did nothing to avert it?  

 

As I watched, the whole thing felt like a surreal Pinter or Beckett or Pirandello play. But then the debate also felt like watching Theater of the Absurd.

 

Would love to hear about your observations . . .

 

Until next month, 

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage