By Elayne Savage, PhD
Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay
I call President Trump ‘The Poster Child for Taking Things Personally’ – lashing out by blaming, insulting, bullying, shaming, attacking, putting down, fuming, brooding and retaliating.
And we hear about so many stories of retaliation if someone disagrees publicly with him.
Loyalty (or not) to Donald Trump seems to be a common theme these days. It’s spoken about by many politicians in terms of ‘bending the knee’ or ‘kissing the ring.’
It’s reported that Ron Desantis once said: “If you don’t kiss the ring with Trump, he’ll trash you.”
I wonder though, does a person’s ‘lack of loyalty’ actually mean the same thing as ‘disloyalty’ which seems to be a frequent accusation these days?
It’s called to our attention in these early days of Trump-2 that his choices for senior administration officials seem to especially be based on the loyalty of his appointees.
And in these early weeks we are witnessing misjudgments, misspoken comments and missteps such as inviting an Atlantic magazine editor to join the cabinet members on a group chat including classified military intelligence about a U.S. bombing operation before it happened.
Not Ready for Prime Time!
And maybe because President Trump’s choices for his cabinet are based on the degree of loyalty to him – long-time supporters and big money donors.
Each time one of his appointees opens their mouth with a questionable comment, seeming to make things up as they go along, I can’t help but think "Wow these folks are clearly not ready for Prime Time!”
Personally, I would feel a whole bunch more trusting, more secure, and much safer if someone in the bunch had some experience with the kind of decision-making they have been chosen for.
I have written often about loyalty and betrayal regarding Donald J.Trump as well as about my professional and personal reflections on the influence of early experiences with loyalty and betrayals in our own lives.
Actually, the topics of Loyalty and Betrayal have captured my interest for decades.
I was totally intrigued by the book Invisible Loyalties, by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, focusing on how loyalty and betrayal messages often travel throughout the generations in our families.
Here are a few of the highlights of my musings over the last couple of decades:
Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”
Some folks even encourage others to choose sides. And because blind support becomes a proof of loyalty to them, when it is absent they feel betrayed and often take it personally.
Sometimes in interactions with others there is just no room for missteps – even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of disloyalty.
Some folks seem to have a need to lash out and punish others for a miss-step, kind of like when a dog has an 'accident,’ rubbing its nose in it "to teach a lesson."
Then again, sometimes it emanates from someone being vindictive and retaliating in just plain mean-spiritedness.
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2021/06/disloyalty-betrayal-and-secrets-too-.html
Feeling ‘Let Down’ by Someone
Many of us feel let down by someone because we trust them and it feels like their behavior is betraying that trust. These kinds of personal disappointments can feel like rejection.
When feelings of disloyalty and betrayal pop up they can sometimes feel overwhelming. It’s as if all the old gut reactions come flooding back again. And it hurts.
It can feel as if you are seven years old or twelve years old or sixteen again. And you react from that child place, that raw, hurting, child place.
It’s as if you are frozen in time.
You’ll most likely find yourself overreacting and wondering, “Where on earth did that feeling come from?”
Can you weave together what early experiences may be contributing to the hurt?
The best way to try to deal with feelings of betrayal is to try to create some distance between you and the incident.
Can you step back, take a breath, and remind yourself that even though at that moment you feel very young and defenseless, you really can make an effort to choose to try to feel like an adult.
And with creating some distance from the feelings, you can actually respond in an adult manner. But you have to be able to catch your breath and remind yourself that you can choose to get some distance.
Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction
When we feel in that ‘little person’ space, it’s helpful to think about how toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me-me-me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.
Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.
Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.
In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of a young child from The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:
“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”
Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grownups.
Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.
Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when it is accompanied by out-of-control- non-stop lying.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying
Selma Fraiberg makes the point that “The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen . . ."
And even when we are all grown up, in stressful situations, some of us tend to gravitate and cling to that wishful thinking place.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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