By Elayne Savage, PhD
You may have been reading about the Menendez brothers, Lyle and Erik, and their upcoming re-sentencing hearing,
I have not viewed the Netflix documentary yet, but maybe you have.
I know this sounds strange, but I actually feel a kind of a connection to each of them.
This feeling developed from when I appeared on the Maury Povich show with their cousin many years ago.
Yes, really. The program was titled “Abuse or Greed” and took a look at both the accusations of the brothers killing their parents for financial benefit and how the abuse by the father led to the close range shooting of both parents.
Povich and the producer wanted to also focus on the part of the story where the brothers had accused their father of many years of sexual abuse and how their mother knew about it but did nothing to protect them.
I was contacted to help the TV and studio audiences take a good look at the “Abuse” aspects because of my expertise on rejection and my years of experience as a Child Protective Services Social Worker.
Their cousin was on the “Abuse” side with me and there were other guests who supported the “Greed” theory.
Interesting how they actually kept us in separate green rooms before the show, I guess so we couldn’t influence other about the case.
At the end of the taping when the producer walked with me to the exit, she put her hand on my shoulder and excitedly told me how my presentation of information of the ‘abuse’ aspects made a big impact on how many studio audience members changed their votes from ‘Greed’ before the taping to ‘Abuse’ after we ended the segment!
I’ll Never Forget the Aunt’s Description of Making Sure They Were Fed
I remember their Aunt's testimony during the trial and I retold her story on the Maury Povich Show.
She described how she lived across the street and often the boys, then toddlers, would cross the street by themselves in the morning because they were hungry.
Their mother often was not able to wake up to take care of her children.
This image of two toddlers often crossing the street alone to seek food has stayed with me all these years. Toddlers crossing the street!
So their mother not only failed to protect them from their father, but it sounds like she was neglecting their physical needs as well.
Of course the stories we heard from the media have mostly addressed the more obvious allegations of sexual abuse by the father.
Let’s look at how the damaging aspects of the emotional abuse of perceived rejection are often more subtle than obvious.
In fact, many are not actual acts at all, but rather inaction, inattention, or inaccessibility. Many are not intended to hurt, but the hurt from feeling so often feeling rejected can last a lifetime.
I sure wish more journalists would have highlighted the long-term damage that the mom’s inaction could cause.
I have heard hundreds of stories from my therapy or workplace clients about their parents or relatives or teachers or coaches wearing blinders – actually ignoring inappropriate behavior.
Often we discover the non-abusive parent has their own history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse and blinders are necessary to protect themselves from uncomfortable painful early memories.
The Menendez parental killings are an example where perceived injustices bring on anger and rageful behavior.
Surely, neglect or emotional, physical or sexual abuse does not give someone the right to kill.
Yet, understanding the abusive conditions can help us understand the feelings of injustice and anger or rage that might have led to these killings.
This case has been able to shine a much-needed spotlight on the issue of childhood sexual abuse, and its long-lasting effects, leading to other cases involving abuse, incest, and other traumatic aspects are seen differently than they were in the past.
In the words of Lyle Menendez himself on the 2023 podcast episode: “I don’t even think it was accepted in the ’80s and early ’90s that fathers were child predators like that. It was another decade or two … after our trial, before people understood that child molesters could be your teacher, could be your gym coach, could be an executive, a father … there was a sense that child molesters were kind of like creeps in trench coats hanging around schools and not regular people. Now of course we know that’s completely untrue.”
There was a mistrial in 1994
And a second trial in 1996 where “the judge actually barred much of the sex abuse evidence -- Lyle and Erik Menendez were convicted of first-degree murder and sentenced to two consecutive life prison terms without the possibility of parole.”
Over the years they had tried hard to petition to be incarcerated in the same facility instead of separated but their requests were denied for 21 years until 2018. As you might imagine, their reunion was pretty emotional.
So this week there was supposed to be a re-sentencing hearing, but it was delayed for a month.
Here are good descriptions of society’s changing views of long-term effects of abuse including PTSD.
Timeline:
© Elayne Savage
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Until next month, Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Now also available in AUDIO!
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