Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

'Pebbling' is Small Acts of Caring – What better Way to Show Respect?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I was planning to write about respect this month because it seems to be the focus of so many clients these days regarding all kinds of relationships: friendships, romantic, and work related.   
 
But then the other day I came across a headline asking “Can Pebbling Really Help You and Your Partner Grow Closer?”

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/pebbling-really-help-partner-grow-110000532.html
 

Pebbling???

I just love this background: the term pebbling comes from the mating habits of gentoo penguins in Antarctica. When a young male penguin wants to find a mate he carefully chooses a smooth shiny stone to bring to the female he is interested in. If the female accepts, together they bring more stones to build their nest.
 
I had not heard this term before and didn’t know what ‘pebbling’ means. But I recognize the concept of “doing small, kind actions to show someone you care about them.”
 
Actually for several decades this has been one of my favorite themes in my books and my workshops and my therapy and coaching sessions. 
 
I’ve been calling it “small acts of caring.” Which is a terrific way to validate relationships.

. . . AND also a terrific way to re-balance misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking things personally.  
 
These acts are really about respecting and acknowledging and appreciating. So looks like I’m finding myself actually writing about respect.
 
Offering to help out with an errand or grocery shop or to take care of having the car serviced or to offer to drop off and/or pick up the dry cleaning or picking up a little special dessert.  Other forms of pebbling could be an online “hi” message during the day, or a text message sharing a news story about a common interest. 
 
I’m sharing from both of my books a few caveats on 'caring'... 
 
Caring is Not Symmetrical 
 
It’s helpful to remember that the style of one person may be different from the other, especially if each person grew up in a very different type of family with very different ways of showing caring.
 
Or in a family which did not know how to show caring.
 
And there are just as many ways of missing someone’s intentions because their style of caring is so different from our own.
 
A woman I know was often disappointed when her partner didn’t say or do things to show he cared. 
 
“Some of the things he does are silly — not very significant,” she would complain. 
 
“For instance, on our recent trip to France, one morning Gary stopped the car, went into a patisserie, and came out with a huge piece of cake that was mostly icing. He handed it to me, saying, ‘I thought you’d like this.’
 
“Well I ate it, even though 9 A.M. did seem a little early for all that icing.”
 
She’s very practical and generally doesn’t like surprises, it reminds her too much of growing up in her unpredictable family. 
 
He likes to plan small unexpected surprises. His dad used to do the same with his mom. 
 
Gary’s little surprises are his way of giving to her, it’s the best way he knows to show he cares, and he can’t understand why she gets upset with him. 
 
In their relationship, he provides a lot of “icing” when she has “cake” in mind. 
 
“I can’t believe I used to get so upset,” she says. “Now I realize how he does things in his little Gary ways

to make me happy, and I’ve been overlooking his intentions all this time.”
 

'Not Thinking' Does Not Mean 'Not Caring'

 

A student complains, “I always offer him rides because he doesn’t have a car on campus.”
 
When her car was in the shop for repairs for several days he actually had his father’s car.
 
“He didn’t even think to offer me a ride those two weeks to run errands.” 

It didn’t occur to her he just doesn't 'think' in the caring way she does.
 
Seems she was equating “not thinking” with “not caring.

 

Making Amends
 

This story is about two friends, Penny and Martha, who were having a hurtful misunderstanding and their previous respect for each other was rapidly turning into resentment. This was during a time when Penny was busy working on a political campaign and Martha felt ignored.
 
When they came to see me to try to work things out, I suggested creating ‘amends’ that each could do — little acts of caring.
 
Penny’s ‘amend’ was she wanted Martha to take her to lunch at a new, kind of pricey restaurant. 
 
Martha wanted Penny to call her once a week for three months, which is the amount of time she felt ignored while Penny was working so many hours on the political campaign.
 
And what did Martha want Penny to say in the phone call as an act of caring?
 “Hi, Martha, I’m thinking about you.”
 
By the way, the workplace invites lots of opportunities to do some pebbling too. Many  ways to sometimes make someone’s job a little lighter.

 

Do you have a great example of 'pebbling?'  Either about good experiences or about misunderstandings.

I'd love to hear from you: email me at [email protected] or on the comments section in the box below...
 
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are available on Kindle and

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:

amzn.to/4fudKOy

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:


amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 
 
 
 

When Apologies are Non-apologies

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                            © Can Stock Photo / 72soul

 

Just about as soon as I had posted my August blog on how apologies seemed to be missing in action, there now seems to be one political apology after another.

 

Have you noticed?

 

Behaviors and comments seem to become more outrageous with each day. Our political figures seem to be throwing more shade than ever, and the slurs are more derogatory and the misrepresentations and outright lying and acts of dishonesty wrapped up in entitlement are more than I ever imagine could even happen. Conduct which seems to occur repeatedly.

 

Have you noticed?

 

And when there is an apology offered, most often it is of the non-apology variety, full of justifications and rationalizations for very unclassy, hurtful, denigrating, and often intentionally mean-for-meanness-sake behavior.

 

Have you noticed?

 

I mentioned non-apologies last month: “For many of us, apologizing is really hard to do. Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: ‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.’

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

‘I’m sorry I hurt you’

or ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.’

or ‘I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.’

 

In the month that followed my earlier blog, I’m realizing that saying ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’ might sound like one of those easily misinterpreted finger-pointing ‘you get hurt so easily’ kinds of comments.

 

It can be tempting to talk about hurting the other person as if they are easily hurt.

 

I talked about fear of taking responsibility, and fear of being blamed or shamed. I discussed blind spots and psychological projection

 

Lots of times we think we are really trying to apologize but it comes off as more of a non-apology, full of rationalizations and justifications for our behavior.

In case you missed it, here's the blog:

In ‘The Case of the Missing Apology’

 

So lets talk some more about non-apologies

I like the Merriam-Webster definition of non-apology: 

“a disingenuous or insufficient apology: a statement that is offered as an apology but that fails to express true regret or to take responsibility for having done or said something wrong”

Apologies have always been hard for me yet with practice they have become doable. A recognition that helps me a lot is to not try to use words that are uncomfortable for me – I tend to sound insincere when I do.

 

So what constitutes a sincere apology?

It is generally suggested that a sincere apology contains some form of:

recognition, responsibility, remorse/regret, restitution when appropriate, and repetition prevention

 

The book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies offers six (and a half) steps to great apologies. They are:

1. Say you're sorry. Not that you "regret," not that you are "devastated." Just say you're "sorry."

2. Say what it is that you're apologizing for. Be specific.

3, Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt.

4. Don't make excuses.

5. Say why it won't happen again. What steps are you taking?

6. If it's relevant, make reparations: "I'm going to pay for the dry cleaning. Just send the bill to me. I'm going to do my best to fix what I did."
 

 

And from Harvard Health Publishing:  

The Art of a Heartfelt Apology

- Acknowledge the offense. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.

- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.

- Express remorse. If you regret the error or feel ashamed or humiliated, say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.

- Offer to make amends. For example, if you have damaged someone’s property, have it repaired or replace it. When the offense has hurt someone’s feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.

 

And it's important to acknowledge that what you said or did has hurtful behavior however we have to be wary of painting the person you are apologizing to as someone who is too sensitive and easily hurt.

I believe one reason many of us hold back from offering a sincere apology is our fear of feeling vulnerable – such a scary feeling. It helps me a lot to distinguish between feeling vulnerable and allowing vulnerability. I remind myself of this difference often – it has been a game-changer for me in making apologies.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Would love to have a dialogue with you and hear your feelings about apologies.

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Case of the Missing Apology

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                        © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

Lately there has been an amazing amount of name calling and finger-pointing and making someone ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ coming from both political and personal venues.

 

And these perceived slights co-exist with lots of taking things personally and retaliatory behaviors.

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Lashing out

 

Accusing

 

Discrediting

 

Discounting

 

Slighting

 

Criticizing

 

Dismissing

 

Diminishing

 

Faulting

 

Undermining

 

Shaming

 

Smearing

 

Scorning

 

You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

 

What I don’t hear about are apologies for these out-of-control behaviors. 

 

I don’t see folks taking responsibility for their often outrageous conduct.

For many of us apologizing is really hard to do.

Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: 

‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

“I’m sorry I hurt you,”

or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.”

or “I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.”

 

The way I see it, our ability to step up and take responsibility and offer a sincere apology too often has to do with Blind Spots we have about ourselves and our behavior.

 

 

Blind Spots Are Those Traits About Ourselves We Just Don’t See, Although Others Do

 

Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.  

This blind spot prevents us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.

 

 

Psychological Projection to the Rescue

In order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.

 

We project aspects of  our own sadness, our anger, our resentment, our badness, our tendency to be patronizing or manipulative or competitive or controlling, our fears and vulnerability and dependency and other insecurities.

Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.

 

And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

Can you see how easily Blind Spots and Projection can get in the way of sincere apology?

 

 

An Important Part of Apologizing: Acknowledging and Taking Responsibility for Behavior

 

Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed – or shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling which many of us grew up with at home or from teachers or peers.

Sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.

That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. At times our own sense of pride interferes with us noticing how hurtful our words or actions or inactions might be to the other person.

Sometimes these are generational family “this is how we have always done it in my family” kinds of messages. 

 

And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy – we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand their hurt and to share their feelings.
 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

 

 

                                                              © Can Stock Photo / artursz 

 

 

“Stages of Denial”

 

I was recently sent a note from reader Lisa Doran encapsulating her impressions of typical statements made when a sincere apology was needed.

I think Lisa really nailed it and I want to share it with all you . . .

 

“Stages of Denial” that I hear and see over and over
by Lisa Doran

 

1. I didn’t do it

2. If I did do it, I didn’t mean to do it

3. I don’t understand why this is an issue anyway. This is a “you” thing

4. If I did do it, it’s your fault I did it

5. I already said I’m sorry (note: this is said after no sorry’s have been expressed)

This sounds really familiar to me. To you too? 
And it also sounds like gaslighting to me ... what do you think?

 

 

'Make a Choice to Make a Change'^TM

 
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by walking alongside yourself and mindfully ‘noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behavior, you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. 

 

You can ‘make a choice to make a change!’

 

I’d love to  hear your ideas about apologies – you can email me at [email protected]
 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

More about Blind Spots:  

bit.ly/44zlYya

 

More about Taking Things Personally and Psychological Projection:

bit.ly/3L4bks8

 

More about taking Responsibility and Sincere Apologies:

bit.ly/2DGrci5

 

Until next month …
Elayne
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coaching Joe Biden on Saying “I’m Sorry” – The Art of Apologizing 101

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                                            © Can Stock Photo / artursz 

Lots in the news lately about non-apology apologies for unacceptable behavior. Seems to be a lot of confusion about what an apology should be.

 

I kept rooting for Joe Biden to be able to make a real apology to Anita Hill, for his role in how she was treated in the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court confirmation hearings when he refused to allow testimony of her supporting witnesses. Joe Biden just kept messing it up.

 

News just came in of the light bulb going off for him about the importance of taking responsibility. After several attempts at apology, he finally was able to say “She did not get a fair hearing. She did not get treated well. That’s my responsibility.”

 

This whole story is a good illustration of how acknowledging and taking responsibility for behavior is such an important part of apologizing.

 

And yet taking responsibility is very difficult for lots of people. Their way of attempting this is by removing themselves from the equation: ‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”

 

It would mean so much to hear, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.” or “I’m sorry I ignored your feelings.”

 

Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed -- OR shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling. And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

 

For whatever reason, Joe Biden seemed to be struggling with the concept of taking responsibility. He just wasn’t getting it.

 

Yes, I know sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.

 

That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. Seems to me, though, at times our own sense of pride interferes with noticing how our action (or lack of it) may be affecting the other person.

 

At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy –– we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand and share their feelings.

 

Up until now, Joe Biden’s refrain has been: “I said privately what I’ve said publicly. I am sorry she was treated the way she was treated.”

 

On ’The View’ Joy Behar coached Biden: “I think what she wants you to say is, ‘I’m sorry for the way I treated you,’ not ‘for the way you were treated.’ I think that might be closer.”

 

He tried again: “I’m sorry [for] the way she got treated. I don’t think I treated her badly.”

 

Now, finally, he appears to be able to recognize his role in how she was treated when he refused to allow testimony of her supporting witnesses during the confirmation hearing.

 

“I cannot be satisfied by simply saying I’m sorry for what happened to you,” Anita Hill told The New York Times. “I will be satisfied when I know there is real change and real accountability and real purpose.”

 

Asking for What You Want — and Being Specific

 

And I found myself wondering how will she recognize ‘real change and real accountability and real purpose’? Exactly what will these look like?

 

Here’s the deal. To receive the kind of apology we hanker for it’s important that we can put words to what we we need from the other person. What are the exact words we want to hear to know the other person is acknowledging and taking responsibility for their behavior and is sorry. The next step is to find clear, descriptive words to directly ask them for what we need.

 

Sure we’d love it if the person could read our mind and say all the right things, but they probably can’t. And they may need specific coaching on what we need to hear. If we cross our fingers and hope they will be able to do this on their own, we may be in for big disappointment.

 

And disappointment will just feel like another rejection.

 

“I’d like you to apologize. It’s important to me and this is what I need to hear from you: ‘I’m sorry for saying/doing _________. It will not happen again.’”

                                                                © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

The Art of Making Amends

Making amends helps a lot and they can take couple of forms:

- The first amend of course is to apologize and take responsibility for your behavior followed by engaging in responsible, respectful behavior moving forward.

- Another amend might be offering to try to make it up to the person by creating an act of caring to balance the hurt you caused. You could consider this amend as more of an ‘atonement.’

 

In my workplace coaching and psychotherapy practices, when missteps lead to breaches of trust and hurt feelings between couples or co-workers, I encourage them to devise creative ways of showing caring and respect.

 

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I describe ways to suggest finding “a mutually acceptable way to make amends. Amends can take many forms ranging from washing the other person’s car weekly for a specified length of time, to performing a least favorite chore, to paying for a series of special dinners, to saying “I love you” on a regular basis. They can be serious or whimsical, but each form has one thing in common — each one represents an act of caring.”

 

I remember one couple where trust was broken and we designed a way to balance the bad feelings by making amends. What could he do for her so that she’d feel cared about? She decided to ask him to make her lunch every day for two months. This necessitated his getting up fifteen minutes earlier than usual and he isn’t a morning person. But he did it, with love. Some days he even tucked little notes into her lunch bag.

 

So apologizing has several layers:

– Describing, acknowledging and taking responsibility for your behavior

– Saying you are sorry for your behavior

– Committing to not repeating your behavior

– Making amends

 

One person I know likes the idea of a “Moana Apology” — from the Disney movie when Maui apologizes to Te Fiti.

Look, what I did was ....wrong.


I have no excuse

I'm sorry.

 

As Maya Angelou says, “When we know better, we do better.”

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage