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ELAYNE SAVAGE
Entries categorized "Communication"
July 31, 2023
June 04, 2023
"You Never Listen to Me!"
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Sound familiar? How many times do you hear this from a partner, family member, friend or coworker?
How many times have you heard yourself say, “You’re not listening to me!”
Is it any wonder the most common response by couples or family members or workplace clients to my intake form question “Why did you decide to come into therapy/consultation now” is one word or two:
“Communication” or “Communication Problem.”
Feeling Listened to, Heard and Understood
Most of us want to feel listened to and heard and understood
When we feel acknowledged in this way we feel validated and respected. And connected.
If, instead, we feel ignored, it’s so easy to translate this into feeling dissed: disdained and dismissed and discounted and disapproved of. Each of these feelings is a form of rejection ... and we find ourselves taking it personally.
Respect of course is the opposite of all those ‘diss’ words and is a frequent focus of my blogs and my therapy/consulting/coaching work.
It always seemed the adults in my early life (family, teachers, coaches) were repeatedly saying:
“What’s wrong with you?”
“In one ear and out the other!”
“Don’t you ever listen?”
And in fact it turns out I apparently did indeed have impaired hearing which wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s.
And I was usually not paying very good attention to what was being said or expected of me.
Oh. Now I understand why: A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD which totally explains my childhood distraction and wandering attention.
Wow. Too bad the grownups didn’t understand that my ADHD brain was different from their brain. Instead, because they didn’t understand me they didn’t show respect. Instead, their energy went into shaming me in those early years.
You can imagine the effect all this had on my self-respect.
By the way, it is with couples or co-workers where one has some ADHD attributes that I most often hear the "You never listen to me!" complaint.
In the Spirit of Teamwork
So along with highlighting the importance of respect, let’s talk about the need for clear communication and teamwork in both personal and workplace relationships.
I wrote Breathing Room for folks who are in a couples relationship or who want to be.
I suggest creating goals of:
- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together.
These ideas are not just for couples. I use the same suggestions when I consult in the workplace.
Respectful direct communication and feeling listened to, heard and understood are the keys to successful teamwork.
Sixteen years ago I wrote Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples:
“This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."
In my work with couples and with professional colleagues, I encourage them to use our sessions to work together to come up with some creative ideas for getting things done.
We take a look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:
- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'?
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively?
- What situations work best?
- What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?
We look for a way or two or three that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors. Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share household or parenting decisions or functions.
This is about looking for ways of enhancing what is already there.
Can they recognize each other's strong points?
Can they value and respecting each other?
Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork?
Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships
and The Key Ingredient Here is RESPECT
Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships and are transferable:
By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person.
I believe that we can say some very direct and difficult things as long as we do it respectfully. This means without snark or attitude or put-downs or ‘looks’ or tones of voice.
Sometimes it is difficult to respect and accept someone's style of thinking and doing things when it's different from your own. We have to remind ourselves that maybe we each have ‘different brains.’
And keep reminding ourselves that we each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations.
These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally.
And respectful ways or disrespectful ways are passed down as well.
APPRECIATION is Important Too
Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. If only we could notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection.
I’m a huge believer in validation messages from doing ‘acts of caring.’
And Effective Respectful Communication
- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication
And again, the bottom line is: We all want to be listened to and heard and understood –– and connected.
But What If We Had Poor Communication Models?
The problem is many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models:
Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another.
Maybe things just didn't get said, or only hinted at and you were supposed to guess.
Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.
And then there is the surreal, confusing experience of being the object of gaslighting by the other person, being told you are imagining something.
Some families even have a generational history of this kind of behavior: denying and disputing someone else’s experience.
I’ve blogged about gaslighting over many years. Here’s one of them:
I Really Hate Being Lied To!
Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.
And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words, so we played guessing games about meaning.
We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to clarify intent and meaning.
I teach a simple 3-step way to initiate clarification:
“This is what I heard you say ---------------------.
Is it what you said?
Is it what you meant?”
This actually gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear.
I see respectfully clarifying meaning as the best relationship tool available.
Miscommunication leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking something personally – and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection.
How to Get What You Need
And when it's time to negotiate agreements, here are some tips:
- Be respectfully direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true: If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.'
- Be respectfully direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it.
- Be respectfully direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!
Learning to be respectfully direct gives you a pathway to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there.
Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a bunch of practice.
I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships.
Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able
to contribute some of my ideas.
And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can take a breather and that either person can suggest calling a ‘time out.’
Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).
But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.
And even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving.
And it can feel like disrespect.
© Elayne Savage PhD
Would love to hear from you if you have some good communication or teamwork tips or 'listening' stories.
Until next month,
Elayne
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Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
[email protected] |
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February 28, 2023
In the Spirit of Teamwork
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September 30, 2022
Managing Misunderstandings – Honing Conflict Resolution Skills
By Elayne Savage, PhD
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© Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles
I am excited to be featured again in an interview with Prevention Magazine – this time on conflict resolution.
Here’s the Prevention piece and the link:
Prevention Magazine
9 Conflict Resolution Skills for Strong, Healthy Relationships
These skills and strategies can help keep all your relationships going and growing.
By Shannen Zitz Published: Sep 28, 2022
Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship. They’re stressful, sure, but unfortunately, they can’t always be avoided—which is why it’s key to learn conflict resolution skills to navigate and overcome these high-stress situations.
“Conflict in interpersonal relationships can be broadly defined as any sort of disagreement between two people who are connected in some way—whether friends, colleagues, partners, or relatives,” explains Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Behavioral Health and Wellness Centerin Newton, MA. “The disagreement can be in regards to opinions on something or in values, or related to behaviors.”
While conflict and disagreements are common, it’s also important to know that they’re normal—especially with the people who you interact with regularly. “The benefits we bring to any relationship are in part that we have different opinions, different personalities, different values, and different lived experiences,” Chait says. “As such, it is normal to encounter some conflict. Encountering conflict by itself is rarely the primary issue; the issues arise in how we address the conflict.”
It’s not always easy to address disagreements, but ahead you’ll learn conflict resolution skills to help you on your way to better communication.
Conflict resolution skills and strategies
1. Plan ahead
Sometimes you might want to address conflict right away, but it can be helpful to avoid these types of interactions in the heat of the moment. If one or more parties are upset, be sure to take some distance so that everyone can collect their thoughts and emotions. “It can be very helpful to then both agree on a time and place when you’ll discuss the conflict, that way both parties come into the discussion aware of what will be discussed with time to prepare,” Chait says.
2. Stay respectful
The goal for conflict resolution in both personal and workplace relationships is “keeping space available for respectful and clear communication,” explains Elayne Savage, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. Try to think about a few attributes in the other person that you respect or admire, and keep those things in mind when approaching the conversation. When you do this, you are likely to speak in ways that make the other person feel valued despite the conflict.
3. Practice active listening
“The most important thing about any of these interactions with somebody else is to feel listened to, to feel heard, and to feel understood,” Savage explains. Be sure to share your perspective and feelings clearly, but also listen with intention and understanding when the other person shares their thoughts. This type of active listening will make for better communication overall, and allow you both to come to a mutual understanding more easily.
4. Avoid placing blame
If a person feels they are being blamed for their role in the conflict, they are likely to feel upset and act defensively. Chait suggests using “I” statements when sharing your perspective on the situation and focusing on how you feel rather than what they may have done to decrease the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked.
5. Make it about “we”
In addition to using “I” statements when discussing your feelings, be sure to use “we” statements when discussing ways to move forward and resolve the conflict. Try framing the conversation in terms of “‘what is best for both of us’ or ‘what is best for the workplace,’” Savage explains.
6. Focus on actions
After creating space for open, clear, and respectful communication where both parties have the chance to share their own point of view, “focusing on behaviors or actions rather than personality traits that can’t be changed,” is helpful in coming to a mutual understanding for moving forward, according to Chait.
7. Don’t take things personally
“Step away from whatever’s going on, especially from any part of it that you might be taking personally,” Savage suggests. “If you can separate yourself just a little bit, you’re able to ask: ‘What are my options here?’ ‘Do I have to be upset?’ ‘Do I have to be hurt?’ ‘Is there another explanation for this? Another way to think about this?’”
8. Avoid filling in the blanks
Making presumptions about where the other person is coming from is bound to make communication a little muddy. Savage recommends checking in with yourself while you are actively listening to the other person to make sure you are not making any assumptions—ask yourself if you are totally clear about the meaning of the other person’s words, and if you aren’t, give them an opportunity to repeat or clarify.
9. Schedule a check-in
Once you use effective conflict resolution skills to come to a mutual understanding, the work is not yet done. “Any conflict resolution conversation should end with plans for how to work on this going forward in order to avoid falling into a pattern of conflict,” Chait says. Try also setting up a plan to check in down the line to ensure everyone feels satisfied and is upholding their end of the agreement.
Why conflicts occur
Conflict can happen for many reasons, but it mainly comes down to disagreement and disappointment. Disagreement that leads to conflict often stems from “incompatible ideas that become antagonistic,” explains Savage. “It often then becomes a struggle about who’s right—people get invested in being right and that’s where a lot of the conflict comes from.”
A lack of clear communication is also a common culprit for most situations of conflict, Savage notes. When one party is not clear on what they need, the other party cannot be clear on the issue or potential ways to overcome the issue.
Similarly, listening is a big part of communication—and if one or more parties are not listening actively and with empathy, communication tends to become skewed.
Another important piece of the puzzle is feelings of disappointment and rejection. The sum of our lived experiences growing up in the world affects who we are today, and what we expect from people. “When these expectations aren’t met, that can feel disappointing and even like rejection, which is definitely something that can lead to conflict,” Savage explains.
So what does conflict look like? It’s helpful to think of conflicts professionally and personally, but the core of these types of conflict is usually the same feelings of disagreement and disappointment. Chait notes that common examples of conflicts that occur in the workplace are differences in opinions on how to approach a problem, different values as it pertains to work-life balance, and different personality styles that may clash in work settings. Conflicts that occur in relationships with family and partners are “similar, but the topics may be different,” Chait explains. “While at work, you may have [a] conflict with someone about whether or not you should have to work rigid hours or have a flexible schedule, and at home you may disagree with your partner about whether to have a rigid schedule with your children or be more flexible.”
Why you should try conflict resolution
“Conflict resolution is the key to overcoming conflict and is necessary in order to keep healthy relationships,” Chait says. “Having the skills necessary to address conflict in a way that works for everyone involved is critical.” Additionally, these skills will extend even further in equipping the people involved with the necessary skills and knowledge to efficiently rise above conflict moving forward.
Lots of people tend to ignore conflict and consider themselves people who don’t like confrontation. But avoiding conflict is rarely a solution, and usually creates unhealthy patterns and cycles that become more difficult to solve. Plus, it’s hard maintaining healthy, happy relationships with unresolved conflict looming—there’s likely to be a constant feeling of tension between those involved and they may actually behave differently, like not sharing their opinions and avoiding interactions that might start another bout of conflict, Chait explains.
Misunderstandings often cause conflict, but the hurt feelings that come from these instances of misunderstanding are also dangerous. “Hurt feelings can lead to taking things personally, and even anger. But the biggest problem is that they often lead to resentment,” Savage says. When conflict resolution is avoided, this resentment builds and builds to the point where “there's no space available for respectable clear, defined communication, or for teamwork.”
https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a41424072/conflict-resolution-skills/
But Wait, There’s More
One of the great things about writing a blog, is I can reprint something and add to it!
Here are a few ideas that didn’t make it into the Prevention piece and I’m adding or expanding on them here for you.
Helps to remember that most conflicts don’t just involve just the two of you. You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation.
So consider how during a discussion each of you might have several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers, coaches. And each is clamoring to get a word in, or an opinion or a judgment or a criticism or advice.
And you might find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and wondering where on earth your words are coming from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.
It sure can be a struggle to respect and accept someone's
style of doing things when it's different from your own.
I also have something to add about avoiding angry confrontations. If a discussion is becoming heated, consider taking a ‘time out’ to regain your composure. Excusing yourself to stand up and get a drink of water. Or excusing yourself to walk into the restroom and doing some slow counting to 10 and deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation.
Here are a couple of previous blogs addressing some of these challenges:
Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html
Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?
Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?
© Elayne Savage
Would love to hear your ideas for managing misunderstandings!
the Comment Box on the blog site: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
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I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
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December 31, 2021
A Rejection Refresher Course for the New Year
By Elayne Savage, PhD
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© Can Stock Photo / artursz
So I’m thinking a useful way to end the year is recapping some talking points about rejection, hurt feelings and taking things personally included in past blogs from the last 15 years.
Prevention Magazine recently featured some of my ideas along with the wise observations of Matt Lundquist the Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.
And a recent piece in the Atlanta Journal Constitution has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about these challenges many times and the paper links to a blog from 2019.
So I’m reprinting these two features –sort of a Special Edition Rejection Cliff Notes.
Let me know the ways you might find these useful. . .
Tips From Prevention Magazine . . .
6 Tips for Dealing With Rejection, According to Experts
You’re not just sensitive—rejection hurts and we have the science to prove it.
By Micaela Bahn
https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a38175548/how-to-get-over-rejection/
Hooray! You took a risk and put yourself out there. But after all of that emotional effort, it didn’t go as planned, and now you’re feeling just a bit wounded. Everyone deals with rejection at one point or another, so it’s no secret–rejection hurts. Whatever business we start, serious relationship we pursue, or personal risk we take, the risk of a defeating “no” looms large over our actions. Fear of rejection is completely normal, and the good news is plenty of happy, successful people have faced rejection and come out better for it.
So, why does it seem like some people are better at dealing with it than others? Sometimes, it’s about how you frame the setback. “Rejection hurts, in part, because one of the most fundamental human fears is abandonment, ” say’s Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and Founder and Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.
Likewise, we frequently misinterpret rejection and consider it an indicator of our self-worth, especially if it’s attached to a rejection we experienced early in life, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., LMFT, and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. “Rejection messages, direct or indirect, intentional or not, leave bruises on self-esteem and security in both our personal and workplace relationships.”
The sting of rejection can be painful enough to make us never want to take the risk again, especially when we’ve put our emotions on the line. But if we take rejection as the end-all-be-all, we miss out on so many of the wonderful and surprising opportunities life has to offer. Fortunately, there are a few tangible steps you can take to help change your frame of mind so that the burn doesn’t last. Here’s why rejection hurts so much and some expert-approved tips for moving forward and finding emotional strength.
1. Know there’s a reason that rejection hurts
The term ‘sting of rejection’ isn’t just an apt turn of phrase for hurt feelings. Your brain actually registers the pain of rejection as a physical wound, so don’t think of yourself as overly sensitive.
In a study published in Science, researchers used fMRI’s to determine that rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. Their theory as to why: Our social bonds help promote survival. “We are fundamentally social creatures,” says Lundquist. “This isn't merely a preference—we depend on one another to survive. On a primal level, being cast out of a family or group is synonymous with death.”
Evolution aside, our reaction to social rejection is also impacted by our attachment styles, or our unique way of relating to others in a relationship. Learning to attach and to confidently detach is something we develop in childhood, explains Lundquist. In healthy attachment styles, children learn to tolerate the unpleasantness of being separate from a parent and, eventually, from other love objects. So, rejection is a particularly unpleasant form of detachment.
2. Process your feelings
Now that you know the pain isn’t just in your head, it’s time to identify and process all of the feelings that come with it. Give yourself permission to feel the full scope of your emotions. It’s important to put any sense of loss in perspective, says Savage. Here are a couple of check-in questions and coping tools that she offers patients:
- Ask yourself, ‘Am I taking this personally?’
- Ask yourself, ‘What old messages might be impacting these feelings of rejection?’
- Mindfully notice your feelings and reactions (mindfulness means without judgment!).
- Give a voice to your feelings—speak your feelings out loud or write them down.
Each of these exercises can help untangle our present feelings. “It’s critical to recognize our early rejection messages from childhood, how we dealt with them, and how they have affected our current worldview,” Savage explains. If we recognize these feelings and reactions, we can choose to change them.
3. Understand where the rejection came from
Take a deep breath because it’s time to do the scary work of exploring our own role in the rejection (again, without judgment!). One major pitfall in relationships is that we sometimes don’t communicate what we want clearly. Ask yourself: Was I asking someone to read my mind, and do I feel disappointed? Savage notes that in our need to protect ourselves from rejection, we may leave blanks for someone else to fill in.
Similarly, our insecurities can also lead us to perceive something as rejection when it’s actually not. “If we don’t clarify meaning, it can often lead to hurt feelings, taking something personally, anger and resentment,” says Savage. This “clarifying,” can be internal or in conversation with the other party. For instance, you asked your boss for a promotion and they told you you aren’t quite ready. Instead of taking this personally and giving up on that hope for your future, think of it as an opportunity to find out what your boss needs from you to beready.
A quick and easy check-in strategy you can try with interpersonal relationships, from Savage:
- This is what I heard you say ___________.
- Is it what you said?
- Is it what you meant?
There are certainly times we shouldn’t delve further into the rejection conversation. But if the situation allows for it and it feels right, this strategy can work to fix communication breakdowns and save your unnecessary hurt.
4. Avoid unproductive rumination
At the same time, be kind to yourself in your reflection! We have a tendency to be our own worst critics. But ruminating for hours on everything you did wrong may overgeneralize the situation or discourage you from taking future risks—just because you didn’t get this job, doesn’t mean you’ll never get a job. “Some of the biggest challenges patients face when processing rejection are the tendency to self-blame and spend way too much energy on catastrophizing the situation,” Savage explains. Instead, try to take a more objective standpoint in your assessment and move on to what’s next.
5. Take stock of what you can learn
Allow yourself to frame the situation as an experience you can grow from. For example, you want to take a romantic relationship to a more serious level, but your partner does not. Sure, this can be related to your role in the relationship, but the other person may also have a hard time with commitment. “What can you learn about what didn't work in the relationship?” Lundquist asks. “Are there ways you need to grow as a person? If there is a history of attachment trauma or unhealthy attachment, say to unavailable people, you want to bring that to therapy.” Not only will this give you perspective, but it will also help you avoid pitfalls in the future.
6. Surround yourself with positivity
No matter the “size” of the rejection, whether it’s at work or home, it can still have a negative impact on our sense of self-worth. Mediate that response by reminding yourself of your strengths. Studies show that practicing affirmations can decrease stress, increase well-being, improve academic performance, and makes people more open to behavior change. It can also help bring an end to that troublesomerumination. If you need a list of affirmations to get your creative juices flowing, here are 40 examples from Kaiser Permanente.
You can also do activities that help boost your mood, affirm your self-worth, and do them with those who care about you. “It's important to get support from caring people when going through a hard time, and that also goes for rejection,” says Lundquist.
7. Redirect your thoughts on moving forward
You’ve faced rejection and survived it, now don’t let it hold you back from life! How will you apply what you learned to the future? What life advice did the situation give you? The best part of rejection is looking forward and learning not to be so hard on yourself in the future. “Moving on can mean finding the courage to try again, whether that’s going up for another promotion or asking someone out for coffee,” Savage says.
Micaela Bahn is a freelance editorial assistant and recent graduate from Carleton College, where she majored in English literature.
And from the Atlanta Journal Constitution . . .
This recent piece has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about this many times over the last 15 years and I’m glad the paper included some of my ideas!
Don’t Get Your Feelings Hurt This Christmas
A really helpful any-time primer on how to deal with disappointments and to not take things so personally!
Wishing you a New Year filled with all good things!
Image by Gerd Altmann, Pixabay
Until Next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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June 30, 2019
Body Language Between Putin and Trump
by Elayne Savage, PhD
Still from video/G20 summit (Reuters)
A lot of fuss is being made about a certain recorded conversation between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit in Osaka, Japan. You probably know the discussion I mean.
From Reuters:
Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin spoke to reporters in Osaka, Japan, ahead of their first formal face-to-face meeting since a controversial summit in Helsinki last July and the mid-April release of U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report on Russian election meddling.
Asked by reporters if he would raise the issue during their meeting, held on the sidelines of a Group of 20 (G20) summit, Trump said: "Yes, of course I will," drawing a laugh from Putin.
Trump then turned to Putin to give the directive twice, as he wagged a finger at the Russian leader. "Don't meddle in the election, please," Trump said.
https://mobile.reuters.com/article/amp/idUSKCN1TT0NL
Seems to me Mr.Trump was smirking and laughing as he shook his finger and said to Putin, “Don’t meddle.”
This attempt at levity has been upsetting to many in the face of what many consider a serious national security situation.
Let ’s look at the Body Language between Mr. Putin and Mr. Trump
What interested me most however is when I noticed the postures of both men: Trump as usual was slumped in his seat, feet planted firmly on the floor, his hands clasped in his lap, tips of his fingers touching, forming a triangle. You know the pose, we’ve seen it many times.
The usually rigid and stiff Putin sat sort of slouched, feet apart, leaning forward, with his hands clasped in his lap.
I recognized right away what he was doing because I’ve done the same hundreds of times myself. He was imitating Trump’s posture.
Someone else noticed it too. Later that day I heard Frank Figliuzzi, former FBI Assistant Director for Counterintelligence describe on TV his own impressions:
“You can see Putin mirroring the posture of Trump. Putin has very rigid posture but he’s leaning over, shoulders slouched as Trump often does. That helps Trump feel not only comfortable but that he is aligned and allied with Putin.”
There indeed is comfort in the familiar.
This mirroring of one person by another is a way of building rapport and trust with someone by copying their verbal and physical behaviors: their movements, gestures, rate of speech, phrases, pauses, or their language.
For example if a client or prospect talks fast or loudly or slowly or softly you might decide to
Therapists Often Mirror
When I was in therapy graduate school I was taught how effective mirroring can be in connecting with a client, making them comfortable with you and putting them at ease.
The term I learned 35 years ago was “mimesis” described by renowned Structural Family Therapist Salvador Minuchin.
"Mimesis" is an idea used by Plato and Aristotle and is derived from the Greek verb mimeisthai, which means "to imitate.”
In therapy or coaching sessions with clients my way of connecting is by being open, receptive, interested and transparent. To be honest, I also often do some mirroring as well –– often without even realizing it.
I’ll find myself leaning forward or back; crossing or uncrossing my legs; resting my chin in my hand; lowering my voice – and then I realize I’m actually replicating my clients movements or gestures or tone. Because I’ve used mirroring for 35 years, it has really become automatic.
And So Do Sales Reps and Realtors
My realtor and sales assoiate acquaintances see it as a part of “prospecting” - when even during a phone cold-call they intentionally join with the person by mirroring their tone of voice or cadence or pitch and even some of their phrases.
And Interviewees Too
Along with having great eye contact and using phrases from the company’s website, mirroring is another sure-fire skill for successful job interviews.
I’ve been coaching applicants on doing interviews for decades and most have never considered including appropriate mirroring.
The Art of Persuasion
“Mirroring” is a well-known component of the Art of Persuasion, along with eye contact, being receptive, varying pitch and volume, nodding in agreement, frequently using the other person’s name in conversation, and using the 'Feel-Felt-Found' formula
“I understand how you feel.”
“Many people have felt that way.”
“And then they found . . .”
Over the years mirroring has opened up a whole new world for me of ways to connect with people. What about for you?
Do you have stories to tell?
I’d love to hear them.
You can contact me by email: [email protected]
or in the comments section on my blog site:
www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 30, 2018
Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
©lolloj - Can Stock Photo Inc.
Do you find yourself guessing what someone might be meaning by their words or actions . . . or inactions? Do you sometimes assume they are really thinking something critical or invalidating or judgmental? And then do dwell for hours on your assumption, trying to decipher the ‘real meaning?’
Lately I’ve been hearing lots of stories from clients about serious misunderstandings in their personal or workplace communications. They find themselves trying to guess what someone means when words or behaviors are unclear and confusing. Many aren’t sure how to respectfully check something out, so they don't try. Then they contact me for help in skills for clarifying communication.
Over the last 20 years I’ve been terming this guesswork 'filling-in-the-blanks' and I’ve watched hundreds of faces light up in recognition. Yes, lots of us assume meaning. Yes, we belatedly realize we're often mistaken in our assumptions and it can seriously muck up our relationships.
Clients report how they misread the intent, take something personally, over-react and complicate the relationship. And it happens in every kind of relationship: with partners and family and friends and in the workplace.
When I ask couples or consulting clients on my intake form about “Why did you come into counseling now,” it’s no surprise that the most frequent answer is “communication problems.” And with further exploration it turns out there are way too many assumptions made. Way too much 'Filling in the blanks!'
The Prism Of Our Misconceptions
We tend to see things through the prism of our misconceptions. Our interpretations pass through a filter containing our private storehouse of experiences accumulated since childhood. These early traumatic experiences color our beliefs about our world, the safety
of our world and the people in it.
When these experiences are positive we learn to trust intentions of others. If they happen
to be hurtful, rejecting experiences, however, we learn to be wary, protecting ourselves from further hurt.
If a painful experience gets triggered, we might find ourselves in the middle of a Fight, Flight or Freeze response.
From my 9/30/14 blog post:
“Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives . . . . the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions . . . . When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,”
(More on Fight, Flight or Freeze Responses)
‘Filling in the Blanks’ Is a Setup for Feeling Rejected
Here's a story I often hear from therapy and consultation clients. It has many variations but basically goes like this:
You are walking down the hall or into a conference room. You pass a senior management colleague and you say a big ’hello.” Nothing. No response.
What do you tell yourself? Do you find yourself going through your emotional checklist?
- “Do they not like me?”
- “Did I do a bad job on that last report?”
- “Oh no, I’m going to be fired.”
Fired! How quickly your mind goes there. Fascinating isn't it — how quickly we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt and self-blame and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation. And to make matters worse, we tend to ruminate on these possible misconceptions. Maybe for days!
©Bialasiewicz - Can Stock Photo Inc.
Wouldn’t it be great to find a way to stop this run-away rejection train? Can you validate your feelings that yes, you are hurt by the seeming ‘diss.’’ Then can you take a moment to ask yourself if maybe there’s a chance you might have misread the situation?
Can you try to remind yourself there is a good chance he or she was so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they didn't notice you?
What would it take to decide to check it out and clarify the situation? After all, the most upsetting answer you could hear would most likely be no worse what you are already telling yourself.
OK so let’s talk about the dynamics and discomfort of the fast-moving rejection train; then let’s take a look at some options for getting back on track.
Feeling Like the Bull's Eye in a Target
Isn't it amazing . . .
- how easily we make the situation all about us (when it's often more about the other person.)
- how many times we take someone’s comment or action (or inaction!) as a personal affront.
At these times you may be finding yourself in the center of your universe. In that center position it’s easy to feel like the bull's-eye in a target -— expecting and waiting for the dart's sting.
© Can Stock Photo / firstp
When you’re feeling like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's easy to take things personally. And it takes a bit of work to visualize getting out of that center place, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective.
The Dance Between Taking Things Personally and Rejection
Perceived rejection pops up in literally hundreds of forms, usually involving feeling ‘dissed’ in some way – from feeling disrespected, to feeling ignored or discounted or dismissed, to feeling judged or criticized or blamed and shamed, to feeling abandoned.
•Taking things personally involves feeling disrespected and rejected.
•Taking things personally involves feeling blamed or slighted or personally attacked.
•Taking things personally, involves getting feelings hurt by misinterpreting the meanings of others, seeing the actions of others as a personal affront, believing someone wants to hurt us.
•Taking things personally involves letting our emotions be controlled by what somebody says or does (or what they neglect to say or do.)
It’s easy to understand how experiencing this kind of hurt leads to efforts toward protecting ourselves from more hurt. Often the tendency is to pull back, even to the point of 'disappearing.' One woman describes how she "goes invisible, contracting into a pinpoint, withdrawing from everybody and everything.”
When you're feeling snubbed, ignored, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose you'll react the next time you see that person? Will you avoid their eyes? Will your hurt show on your face or in your body language? Might they interpret your reaction as judgment or disdain? Or will it look like 'attitude' to them?
Or to complicate matters even more, they may sense your withdrawal as a rejection of them.
Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They might try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. They might start thinking something like:
- "Did I just say or do something stupid?"
- "Maybe they don't want to be around me anymore."
- “Maybe I neglected to ask about something important.”
- “Why is s/he pushing me away?”
As a self-protection they might seem to be closed off and protected rather then open and available.
Then, ask yourself how might you react to how you perceive them?
Hopefully things you can talk out feelings before feelings get too hurt. As more time goes by, both participants might build protective walls around themselves, keeping the other out. Maybe each person feels confused and hurt. Can you see how negative reciprocity might begin to develop?
The longer the hurt feelings go on, the harder it is to get back on track. You don't know what to say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.
The relationship can become strained. You both might start feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum. Or can’t look them in the eyes when you do see them. Then they may start filling in the blanks and telling themselves you are ignoring them.
Feeling ignored feels like disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection and it’s hard not to take it personally.
Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment, leaving no space left for connection.
Getting Off that Runaway-Rejection Train
The first step is to remind yourself there might be a misunderstanding about the meaning and intent of the other person, so ask yourself. “Could I be filling in the blanks?”
Next consider ways these confusing behaviors can get addressed, checked out and clarified. There’s so much at stake. What would it take to clear the air? What are your options here?
You can start by taking a deep breath and initiating a conversation about what you thought happened.
You can make an attempt to deal directly with the issue and the person. The idea of 'confronting' is surely scary for most of us. However, think of it as ‘confronting the situation’ which is not the same as confronting the person.’
For example, in our first story: can you take a deep breath, mention that you noticed they didn’t respond to your ‘hello’ and ask an open-ended question like “Is everything OK.”
In a situation that has become strained, you could consider identifying and addressing the awkwardness that has seemed to develop.
You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same for you? I value our relationship and would like for it to get back on track. Can we talk about how we can make this happen?" At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.
©iqoncept - Can Stock Photo Inc.
A Quick and Easy Tip for Checking Things Out
As you probably have guessed, I’ve jumped way to fast into assumptions and presumptions much of my life. Over the last few years I developed a basic 3-step model for checking things out so I’m not ‘filling in the blanks’ so often.
This model can be tailored to lots of situations:
✔1 - “This is what I heard you say ________________”
✔2 - “Is it what you said?”
✔3 - “Is it what you meant?“
In the case of feeling hurt by behavior rather then someone’s words:
✔1 - “This is what I noticed _____________.”
✔2 - “Is it what you think happened as well?’
✔3 - “Is it what you intended?”
This tip is an simple entree to creating essential conversations with someone you care about . . .
Do you, too, have stories and experiences with ’filling in the blanks’ to share?
Until next month . . .
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 30, 2016
Play Nice or I’m Gonna Take My Marbles and Go Home
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Candidate Donald Trump didn’t feel “treated fairly” by Fox News and challenged them: Megyn Kelly would have to be ousted as a debate moderator or Trump would be a no show for the debate. On one hand his brashness fascinates me and at the same time makes me squirm.
Something about Trump’s chicken challenge game was making me incredibly uneasy.
I'm trying to sort some of it out by writing about it. I’m not intending to make a political statement here, just trying to get some clarity for myself.
You may know the adolescent dare game of ‘chickie run.’ In the 1955 movie Rebel Without a Cause on a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss. "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."
For years after, many teen movies had an obligatory chickie run scene.
I Double-Dare You!
Most likely I had that gut reaction because it brings back the long list of creepy and dangerous dares and double dares from my childhood and adolescence.
Well, actually college was the most dangerous in the seemingly harmless game of chugging beer to determine who could drink who “under the table.” Years later some of my college friends still love to talk about how good I was at it — quite a feat since I weighed 99 lbs,
We didn’t know about the dangers of binge-drinking back then,. We just did it because we were dared to.
There were lots of ways I took unnecessary chances back then — driving at hIgh speeds, letting myself be dared into dangerous challenges with friends.
Fact remains that we did some dangerous things back then, many of them games of chicken based on dares.
Trump’s in-your-face-challenge to Fox certainly brought up some uncomfortable memories for me.
Actually many of Donald Trump’s comments bring up discomfort for me. I often write about how I’ve spent much of my early life taking things personally and feeling rejected. And for 30 years I’ve heard thousands of rejection stories from my psychotherapy and workplace clients.
Somehow he manages to touch on every form of rejection I describe in my “diss list:”
Play Nice or I’m Gonna Take My Marbles and Go Home
Actually I’m glad he chose to not participate in the recent Republican debate. His absence gave other candidates the opportunity to focus on their policies and plans. Some amount of deflection existed of course, after all most of them are politicians. However, answers stayed pretty much on-task, giving me the chance to learn and evaluate their positions.
Donald Candidate Trump is an absolute master of deflection! He is incredibly skilled at avoiding a topic by shifting focus. As a result questions don’t get answered and policy is rarely discussed. He’s remarkably adept at avoiding a topic by using humor, by provocative comments or finger-pointing.
I have observed over the years that families who have considerable difficulty communicating with each other often struggle with deflection and ambiguity. No one is quite sure what the other person means and the (often unspoken) ’rule’ is “Don’t ask.”
Stirring It Around
in a recent interview with the NYTimes editorial board Mr. Presidential Candidate Trump appears to brag about how he keeps his audience interested by using provocative comments: “if it gets a little boring, if I see people starting to sort of, maybe thinking about leaving, I can sort of tell the audience, I just say, ‘We will build the wall!’ and they go nuts.”
Sounds like it’s important to him when his audience goes nuts over his provocative comments. Maybe he sees it as an act of adoration. Or could this be yet another deflection from his focus on the real issues confronting our country and the world.
I’m very interested in your impressions of the present goings-on and especially if any of it is affecting you personally.
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
November 21, 2015
Thanksgiving Tips - Handling Your Asinine Uncle (and Other Turkeys)
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for thoughts of gratitude and appreciation.
Yet, for some of us, Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of the Season of Stress.
This year maybe more so, with world-wide terrorist attacks creating a sense of vulnerability.
And our fear seems to make us more polarized than ever. Will this increased polarization have an effect on Thanksgiving gatherings?
Politicized, Immobilized and Polarized
World-wide safety concerns are important to acknowledge. And when we’re being inundated with fear it often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. We feel afraid and vulnerable.
Where is the line between being realistic about the present world situation and excessively fueling fears?
It seems to me that much of the fueling and polarization comes from the media, politicians and presidential candidates issuing inflamed warnings and spreading fear in response to the recent terrorist attacks.
I just refreshed my understanding of various meanings of word ‘terror.’ One definition is: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase: “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”
The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country,
With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. I know this is caused by the release of stress hormones, and I’m also aware that adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine can cause increased anxiety and depression.
What a vicious cycle we bring upon ourselves!
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
(See the links below for more on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol.)
Talking to the Turkeys at the Table
Family gatherings are often a replication of what goes on in the larger context of the world – especially in politics. The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one.
Uncle John is a great example of exhibiting obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had too much to drink. That’s when his baiting and political rants are rampant. In his need to be right at any cost his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful too.
And he pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.
So how do you handle him?
- Remind yourself he’s baiting you and try not to bite.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’”
Pass the Rejection, Please
And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were little. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.
So how do you handle her?
– This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the
charge off of the situation.
– By the way, since she likes to get a charge out of you, maybe trying not to show reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it.
- Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.
– Being direct with her about, “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, i would appreciate it if you agree not to tell childhood stories.
- Instead of wanting to crawl under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walk into the bathroom and close the door while you regain your composure.
Watching the Cast of Characters in an Absurdist Play
Sometimes it helps to take a step back and remind yourself that watching your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes are surreal and maybe by creating little distance you can even find them entertaining in their weirdness.
Employing this perspective around the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally.
Opt-In to Time-Outs
Here are some effective ways to take care of yourself:
Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a ‘Time Out.’
- Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.
- One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:
In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.
At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely about them and not about you.
- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Planning a Quick Get-Away
Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more strategizing.
Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.
It’s Not About You!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.
Other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.
Reminding yourself that it’s usually not about you, can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting environments.
You might say the take away here is: Don’t Take It Personally!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
More on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol:
Bombarded by Fear and Anxiety - How to Cope
Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear
Building Resilience/Managing Terror
Do you have a story to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them?
Email me at el[email protected] or post on the comments section of the
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 28, 2014
The Drama Triangle: Eye-Opening View of Relationship Interactions!
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I love watching the faces of workplace and psychotherapy clients when I introduce the amazing Drama Triangle into our work. At long last, their problematic and confusing relationships begin to make sense!
When I discovered this concept in a Transactional Analysis Bulletin article in the 60s I thought: Eureka! I've found gold!
This ingenious way of sorting out complex interactions was developed by Stephen Karpman, MD, a psychiatrist in the San Francisco Bay area. Steve was a colleague/devotee of Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis and author of Games People Play.
I've written about the Drama Triangle in my books, and used examples extensively in my workshops. However, in the many years I've been writing this blog, this is the first time I've made it a centerpiece.
In the Karpman Drama Triangle, the three points are represented by the roles of Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The roles are interchangeable, with each player possibly trading positions at any given time. Sometimes a person may switch from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer in a flash; other times, it’s more gradual.
You may have noticed how it becomes a quick trip from feeling blamed to blaming someone. Or going from feeling victimized to provoking a “rise” out of the other person.
First of all, I want to point out how easy it is to feel like a victim when we tend to take things personally — especially at times we are feeling singled out or treated unfairly or disrespected in some way.
The classic martyr offers a great example of the triangle in action.
The Martyr – Victim Extraordinaire
Both in families an in work situations, the martyr complains of doing so much for others (Rescuer) that s/he feels unappreciated (Victim). Our martyr may frequently be heard saying (or insinuating) something like: “Look at all I do for you and look what I get in return — nothing.” And how do you imagine it feels to be on the receiving end of comments like that?
However, consider how the martyr may actually be the most powerful person in the family or work setting. Others keep trying to please (Rescue) — until they become resentful. Then they begin to feel victimized (Victim). If they retaliate by acting rebelliously or procrastinating or making empty promises, the martyr perceives them as “bad and uncaring” (Persecutor), because s/he actually feeling victimized by them.
Or Might It Be The Rescuer? Or the Victimizer?
Can you envision how the martyr moves from role to role on the triangle? This occurs in a similar fashion for other “rescuing” kinds of behavior — codependence, overfunctioning, infantilizing. When one person “takes over” for the other (Rescuer), the dependent one feels diminished (Victim) by the pushy one (Persecutor). Anger and resentment build up (Victim/Persecutor), leaving the “rescuer” feeling hurt (Victim) that these caring behaviors are not appreciated by their family members or coworkers..
In the graphic you'll notice the Victim spot is on the bottom of the triangle. However, because of the power the victim holds it might as well be on the top. Isn’t it fascinating how one person may see him- or herself in the role of Victim (or Rescuer), and another person may see that person as the Victimizer. And we wonder why people get so upset with us!
Awareness is the Key
Having awareness of how this process works can help stop interactions that lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, anger and resentment. Most especially, it can help curb that destructive cycle of feeling personally attacked and needing to defend by mounting a counterattack.
So often we get stuck in an intractable position, seeing ourselves in primarily one role — usually the rescuer or the victim.
Hmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how we seem to have blinders on about our own role of persecutor! Once we recognize that these positions are fluid, we can understand that others may see us quite differently than we see ourselves. Then we can more easily see problematic situations from a wider lens, perhaps even from the other person’s point of view. And what a difference that can make both at work and at home.
Might these ideas change your work or personal relationships? How might that be?
What kinds of Drama Triangle experiences have you had? I'd love to hear your stories and solutions . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Excerpted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room – Creating Space to be a Couple.
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
April 29, 2014
December 22, 2013
Tips for Suriving the Holidays
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Last month, just before Thanksgiving, I shared some tips for navigating family gatherings. Some of you asked for more tips for surviving the upcoming holidays.
So here we go . . .
Holiday Hype
It helps to separate the hype from actuality. This year those ads of 'make believe' started appearing even earlier than usual. The purpose, of course, is to build up your Great Holiday Expectations.
Weeks before Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the 'Happy Family' and 'Perfect Present' ads.
Wow. What a set-up for disappointment this is!
And I'm here to remind you that unrealistic expectations usually lead to disappointments.
All too often, disappointments feel like rejection.
Tips for Handling the Holidays
Besides the tips I offered last month for 'talking to the turkeys at the table,' the best way to deal with family stress is to be creative in taking time-outs to collect your thoughts and regain your composure.
Excusing yourself, doing some slow breathing, and counting to ten all work wonders to help regain your balance (and your dignity, too.)
- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to get a drink of water.
- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle this?"
- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car. This lets you be independent about your transportation and your time and space. You even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stresses of too much family time.
When someone's behavior is too obnoxious to ignore, rather than overreacting, why not try a different tack?
- Try to find something about that person you can like, maybe even respect. For example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes. Then while you are talking with them concentrate on that redeeming feature.
When the person sees respect in your eyes, they are more likely to respond positively to you. Are you wiling to give it a try? It sure beats time spent glaring at each other.
As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - including the workplace.
Each Family has 'Their Way'
It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about the holidays. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different traditions for celebrating and different expectations about exchanging gifts.
I often coach young families in creating ways to make their own traditions around birthdays, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, New Years and other holidays important to them.
They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents or whether to decorate or not.
Gift-giving Dilemmas
The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt ands takes something personally.
Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right' present?
Gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for.
Most of us have felt some disappointment on the receiving end as well. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present.
You might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe sometimes it doesn't. But what about the times your feelings get hurt?
And you know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.
But wait, maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected yet. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hankering for.
Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait with baited breath to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose?
Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? What do you tell yourself?
Again, these are situations where disappointments feel like rejection.
Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of disappointment.
Caring is Not Symmetrical
Sometimes we expect caring to be symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring is different from our own.
We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of gift-giving – in our families.
Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments, there is really a charge to the subject of gift-giving. This generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation.
Gift-giving Tips
- Know what you want. If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to figure it out.
- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.
- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to buy for you. It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you. They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.
Look for more ideas about gift-giving in the February blog - just in time for Valentine's Day.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Happy Holidays everyone! Wishing you a healthy, adventurous and wonder-filled New Year.
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' ®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs,
coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 15, 2013
Saving Face or Losing Face?
by Elayne Savage, PhD
I started thinking a lot about 'Saving Face' when world-wide tensions were mounting after the devastating chemical attack on civilians in Syria. You'll recall there was lots of talk about a red line in the sand, the possibility of US air strikes over Syria and threats of retaliation.
John Kerry's off-the-cuff remark on how to avoid a military strike by the US was immediately followed by Russia's offer to put Assad’s poison gas stocks under international control. And when the UN Secretary General jumped on board and it was decided the UN would dismantle Syria's chemical arsenal.
Isn't it amazing how quickly they found a workable solution once it became possible to 'Save Face?'
And now the world's eyes are on Washington where those involved seem to be desperately looking for a way to 'Save Face.'
Again we are facing high stakes. This time it is in the U.S. Congress. I'm intrigued with the Chinese concept of 'Managing Face,' and I'm hoping lawmakers can learn something from this.
Managing Face
The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.
Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.
Losing Face
Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.
This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, and disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.
Lending Face
Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.
Gaining Face
Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.
Saving Face
Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.
The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'
Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.
Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss
Remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss. "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."
In Washington our government is also engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?
These concepts of course are bigger than the Washington skirmishes. Would love to hear your ideas and experiences on Saving Face – in your personal and workplace situations. You can send me an email at [email protected] or Comment below . . .
More info about Managing Face:
http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
April 22, 2013
Coping with the Boston Marathon Bombing
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I guess I'm writing this to comfort myself.
I've been in shock and withdrawn since the Boston Marathon bombings. Cocooning. Stuck.
I haven't been able to write the e-letter I'd planned. Or post to social media. I've been spending hours online re-reading every news update and watching the videos, even I often faint at the sight of blood.
I’m slowly coming back into the world again.
My heart goes out to the families of those who died and are injured. My heart goes out to everyone who witnessed the horror and to the residents of Boston whose space was so severely violated.
My heart goes out to everyone for whom time stands still with endless waiting for new information about the condition of loved ones and friends.
In these frozen moments families are hoping against hope and dreading against dread.
And my heart goes out to our veterans and active-duty military who have been re-traumatized by the sounds and images from Boston.
This is an unsettling time.
The Power of Fear
When you get right down to it, I'm scared.
I find myself crumpling under the weight of the images of the bombings: the blood, the suffering of victims and their families, the hugeness of the horror.
I know this sounds weird, but there is another image that keeps running through my head. I imagine what it might have been like for Suspect #2, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, hiding from police under the tarp of that 20 foot boat in a Watertown backyard. Was he conscious? What was he thinking about as he lie there?
And in my imaginings I hear his mother's voice: "Go to your room and stay there until you think long and hard about what you've done!"
Fear brings on worry, apprehension, anxiety and feelings of helplessness, uncertainty and insecurity. It can be debilitating.
When these powerful responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
And a small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"
I know this voice all too well. It whispers to me when I feel vulnerable —and becomes unbearably loud when my safety is threatened. For those of us who have experienced trauma at any age, we can go quickly to this place of fear and apprehension.
Many of us have experienced disasters in our lifetime: natural disasters, terrorist attacks, life-threatening illnesses and family tragedies.
For me, of course, the most traumatic was the tragedy of my mother and grandmother dying in a plane crash when I was twelve. In an instant our family’s whole world turned upside down.
I also often felt afraid working as a social worker in San Francisco: unexpectedly coming across drug deals on the project stairwells when the elevators were jammed, being shot at from a window and missed by a few inches, and the time a client tried to strangle me.
Looking at Loss
Losses and disappointments play a role here as well. Most of us have experiences that can be characterized as "loss." From loss of jobs and income to loss of homes and well-being and identity . . . and hope. Loss of school friends because of a move to another city. Loss of the freedom to fearlessly attend public events. Loss of a parent through separation, divorce, illness or death. These tragedies take an emotional toll on our spirit and well-being.
These cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day tragedies.
I have learned to expect that each time I feel afraid and unsafe and insecure these memories return in a PTSD-ish kind of way. I also expect I will most likely be a little foggy, maybe irritable, and I'll have a tendency to cocoon and withdraw for a few days.
Are you experiencing some of the same reactions? I said earlier that I was writing this in an effort to comfort myself. Let me know if my musings afford you some comfort as well.
What a lonely time this can be. You, too, may find it difficult to reach out to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.
Reaching Out
Have you been able to connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.
Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then read your words out loud to yourself or to someone else. It makes all the difference.
Acting Out Instead of Talking Out
When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out. Acting out is one way of releasing tension. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, slam doors or engage in excessive behaviors.
But acting out can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.
All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds up when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.
As a therapist and workplace coach I've helped clients all week to process their confusion and feelings in the wake of the bombings. And I guess it's helped me as well to get through it.
Respecting Different Coping Styles
Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea but it doesn't always go smoothly. What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you and you don't feel supported by them?
We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.
- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.
- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.
- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.
If either of you feels discounted feelings can easily get hurt.
Unless both of you can respect each other's individual styles, misunderstandings can lead to anger and resentment and there's barely room for connection.
And connection with others is what's so important now.
Tips for Coping
- Give yourself permission to be upset and afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.
- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.
- Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.
- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
- This objectivity allows you to choose to try out a different response.
- Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare or judge.
- Make a plan and incorporate a routine. It provides structure and reassurance.
- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."
Once you create options for yourself, you won't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping into a sense of your power.
Move One Finger at a Time
Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days? Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time. Sometimes I feel like that myself.
When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned and it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move.
Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck.
If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy
Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.
Breathe in the Colors
My own personal favorite when I'm in a negative place is to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins makes a difference to my feeling of well-being. While I'm walking I breathe in the colors around me; the trees, plants, flowers, buildings, cars. This keeps me present and grounded. And appreciative of my world.
Unblocking Energy and Moving It Around
Here's some imagery from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' which may be helpful.
Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels. As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space.
As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication. And it keeps on moving and flowing.
Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.
I’d very much like to hear your experiences with
loss and fear. You can e-mail me at [email protected]
or post under comments in the box at the bottom this blog entry.
Resources:
Here is a terrific piece by Patricia Watson, PhD on coping with distress, traumatic stress and PTSD
More about Elayne's experience with the tragedy of the plane crash;
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne
Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To
find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching
and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
March 01, 2013
Honoring Your Differences Instead of Feeling Threatened By Them
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Sometimes we make someone 'bad' or 'wrong' – just because they have a different point of view or way of doing things. We don't see eye to eye and before we know it, we're taking these differences personally.
What would it take for you to appreciate, honor and respect someone else's needs and ideas? What would it take to welcome these differences – instead of feeling threatened by them?
Allowing the space for expression of different ideas is key to successful work and personal relationships.
Too often differences in style lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentments, bitterness, and distancing. Feelings flare up with lightning speed, damaging closeness and connection.
It helps to keep in mind that neither style is right or wrong – it just is. Because the other person is not like us, we begin to think the problem lies with them. You may find yourself thinking, "If only they would change, it would solve everything." Hmmmm. What if they think YOU should be the one to change to be more like them?
Those Pesky Trouble Spots
How many of these relationship trouble spots do you recognize?
– One person needs more privacy than the other.
– One person needs definition. The other does better being vague.
– One person wants predictability. The other is pretty unpredictable.
– One is comfortable expressing feelings. The other feels awkward and vulnerable.
– One is giving (of compliments, of time, of energy.) The other tends to withhold.
– One deals with anxiety by freezing and feeling stuck. The other deals with anxiety by mobilizing and taking charge.
– One shows caring by doing extra favors. The other misses the intent because it is too subtle.
– One goes to bed early most nights. The other is a night owl.
– One can give and receive apologies. The other struggles with this.
– Even differences in giving driving directions can be a source of irritation.
– And of course the biggest taking-it-personally trouble spot for couples centers around gift giving – and receiving. Mostly from expecting the other person to read your mind, which is a set-up for hurt feelings because of unrealistic expectations and disappointment.
Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China
It's not surprising we have different way of doing things. After all, we grew up in different families. Ways of doing things in each of our families are reflections of the generations that came before.
Style differences are influenced by our cultural upbringing. This includes family, generational and gender attitudes of course. But it also includes ethnicity, race, and nationality. Even the area of the country, the city and the neighborhood you grew up in.
Indeed, Grandma passes down more than just her china. She and Grandpa pass down lots of family ways of looking at life and relationships – attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, expectations, disappointments and messages of acceptance and rejection. Included here are attitudes toward secretiveness, openness, trust, and displays of affection. Maybe even giving driving directions!
How often have you heard: "This is how we've always done it in my family?" Which translates to "My way is better than your way."
Wow. So much to keep in mind when interacting in personal or workplace situations!
It's OK to Be Different!
Lucky you if you were encouraged to be our own person when you were growing up. Lucky you if your individuality was appreciated. But for some of us, family members felt uncomfortable with our nonconfomity.' They needed us to be like them – and we were criticized or even punished for attempting to be our own person.
If we didn't grow up feeling accepted, it's sometimes difficult to be accepting of others. Try to remind yourself just because someone acts, thinks or feels differently than you, it does not have to be threatening. And you don't have to take it personally.
I'd love to hear your ideas on this topic. What ideas above are familiar to you? How have you handled these situations?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
March 14, 2012
February 09, 2012
Valentine's Day - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Hmmmm. I can't be the only one with a history of relationship
breakups around Valentine's Day.
I've been through three . . . make that four . . . Valentine
relationship breakups - give or take.
But wait! It turns out lots of folks share my experience - at least
according to a recent Australian survey.
Galaxy Research survey, commissioned by the National Australia
Bank, quizzed Australian singles and couples from all cities on
their thoughts on the so-called "most romantic day of the year."
It found that almost a million people have taken the opportunity
to end a relationship around Valentine's Day. Seeing it as a time
to re-evaluate their relationships.
The survey found the most common reason for terminating a
relationship was the realization that they were not compatible (60
percent). Other relationships were ended because of the belief that
their partner had changed (43 percent) or the spark had gone (43
percent).
Grade School Disappointments
I've vacillated over the years regarding my feelings about
Valentine's Day. Some years I love it in spite of the over the
top marketing hype and under par restaurant food and service.
Sometimes I dread it as well because I expect to expect
disappointment. At least breaking off a relationship before
Valentine's Day gives me one less thing to be stressed about!
I think I learned to expect these disappointments in grade school.
I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine appeared on
my desk from that cute guy two rows over -- the one I used to
daydream about and then was embarrassed because I couldn't answer
the teacher's question.
I remember dreading Valentine's Day back then. I was relieved to
hear in more recent years public schools have stopped this
particular popularity contest.
Let Me Count the Ways . . .
Let's speculate on why there are so many breakups before or after
Valentine's Day.
A good guess would be the hype leading to the disappointments that
follow unrealistic expectations. All too often this is a day when
the value of the relationship is tied up in a gift. All too often
instead of being direct about what we want, we tend to drop hints.
These hints are tied to the belief, "If you love me you'll read my
mind" variety.
Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations are set-ups for
disappointment. All too often our feelings get hurt, we take it
personally and feel rejected.
This can't be good for relationships! Especially if resentment
begins to grow.
A few years ago I was interviewed for a New York Times piece on
Valentine's Day breakups. I put forth my theory that the breakup is
a kind of 'the last straw' in a long series of disappointments.
First there was Thanksgiving and all the unrealistic expectations
that come with that. Next, the December Holidays. Then comes New
Years Eve. And finally Valentine's Day. Each month can easily bring
on one disappointment after another.
What Are Your Ideas?
What are your ideas about reasons for these Valentine's Day
breakups? Do you have a story to share? I'd love to hear from you.
7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day
The key here is to keep our expectations reasonable and be clear
about what you need from the other person.
Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:
If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.
-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.
-3 Don't let the fear of choosing the wrong card or gift ruin the
day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of making a wrong choice. So they get kind of paralyzed and
don't do anything.
-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each
others
'ways.'
-5 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not to feel slighted if it's "not the way you'd
do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.
-6 Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work
very well if it's an "afterthought."
-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.
If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!
-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to flowers you really
like.
-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering
for.
-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.
-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.
-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.
-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
From My Heart to Yours . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
'Note: If you can use a relationship 'how-to' or a post-Valentines rehash, I'll be a guest on Scott "Q" Marcus' teleconference Friday, February 17, 10-11AM (Pacific) on his very successful "Getting Past What Holds You Back" series of inspirational conversations:
Enhance your Relationships
Dr. Elayne Savage will help us get past what holds us back from having more fulfilling relationships. Elayne is known as The Queen of Rejection.® She is a skillful communication coach and internationally respected expert on: overcoming rejection, handling disappointment, not taking things so personally, improving communication skills, and dealing with difficult people.
ThisTimeIMeanIt.com holds regular inspirational open-to-the-public phone conversations to inspire, motivate, and help you overcome what holds you back.
The Teleconference is free. Just sign up in advance to get the call-in number:
http://thistimeimeanit.com/register/
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