Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

And on to Another Year . . .

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© makasanaphoto - Can Stock Photo Inc.

 

 

This is the 14th year of my blog and I’ve had a chance to share with you countless observations about  holidays and family get-togethers. And  each year get to wish you a Happy New Year.

 

So I’m wanting  to present an overview of these ideas. And I'm including the New Years blog from a year ago – yes, the one where I was awaiting new possibilities.

I just reread it and I’m remembering how I felt so full of hope as I wrote this blog.

 

Certainly for most of us, our Thanksgivings and Holiday celebrations are very different this year because of the scariness of Co-vid, sheltering-in-place, our  economy with so many business closing, and the cloud of uncertainty hanging over us.

 

And for many families there was sadly the empty seat at the table. A year ago who would have dreamed that most of us would be depending on Zoom as we attempt to celebrate memorials, rites-of-passage and holidays.

 

Wow, what a roller coaster ride year this has been!  I fully realized the power of this when I was shopping for Holiday Cards.

 

The usually comforting words “Happy,“ “Joyous,” “Merry,” somehow seemed out of place for me this year. I finally settled on wishing “Peace.”

 

Is this just me? Has anyone else experienced this?

 

Below are reflections on some  emotions, experiences, impressions, disappointments and gratitude that I’ve shared with you over the years. Yes, and some great tips as well.

 

My previous descriptions of family divisiveness, intensity of feelings  and degree of confrontations has surely increased multi-fold for many of our families as the world seems to have become more polarized.

 

So I invite you to take what you can from this sampling of holiday blogs from the last 14 years.

Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings  ––  December 2007

 

Are Your Holiday Gatherings Theatre of the Absurd? –– November 2013

 

Those After-Holiday-Let-downs –– December 2014

 

Happy New Decade - Welcoming New Possibilities 2020 ––  December 2019

 

And you can find the full archived listings on the right side of the www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com  blog,

 

Wishing you a New Year full of Light, Hope, Resilience, Security and Peace . . .

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Screaming in the Car Wash

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

The other day when nothing was going right I felt like I just needed to scream. So I headed to the car wash.

I’ve done this maybe two times over the years, but not in a long, long time.

I let out long, loud scream as my car was going through. It felt great!

 

Some folks run hard and feel a great release.

Some folks get relief by screaming into a pillow.

I’ve heard about to punching a pillow. Or even pounding a pillow with a baseball bat.

 

I opted for the car wash.

 

What brought me to this point was waking up to no wi-fi and no email. Both died over night – completely unrelated to each other!

I realized I had missed my GoDaddy deadline to renew my Outlook email account. Unlfortunately I had trusted their reminder that I had another week. Apparently not true and they stopped my emails.

The wi-fi decided on its own accord to stop working. Comcast and I restarted it with a new password.

But wait, there’s more: my CrashPlan cloud backup hadn’t been working and after contact with the help desk and many many many attempts at uninstalls and re-installs it still wasn’t working when everything else stopped that dreadful morning.

I was of course already feeling incredibly isolated from the world while sheltering in place since
mid-March. The thought of NO contact from my computer was more than I could bear.

And I completely lost it.

 

Bleary-eyed and Exhausted

My work with therapy clients these days focuses on helping to navigate fears and uncertainties. This means long, blurry-eyed hours at the computer because we are seeing everyone remotely now.

I really miss the energy that used to be in the room when we were working face-to- face.
And seeing couples and families online takes a heap of concentration. I actually had been mostly using my iphone for these sessions while my laptop had been in and out of the shop for repair for two weeks.

Every colleague I talk to describes being absolutely exhausted at the end of each day.

Seems like every week on my list-serves there are announcements of new support groups forming for therapists!

You might say these changes have been taking a toll on us therapists.

For many decades as a Social Worker and as a therapist in private practice I’ve helped clients meet their challenges of extreme stress, anxiety and depression. Over the years I’ve offered some guidance and ideas on dealing. And together we would conjure up ways for calming the stress and releasing pent up energy.

And yes, I have in fact many times suggested the screaming-in-the-car-wash idea.

Here are a few that might be useful during the anxieties and constraints of the pandemic.

 

Ways for Calming Stress and Releasing Pent Up Energy

Putting words to it – writing thoughts down and reading it to yourself out loud. Yes, out loud makes it more powerful –– try it!

I've started doing yoga again via weekly Zoom instruction . . . and I love it. I'm reminded to do the alternate nostril breathing I learned many years ago. I'd forgotten how calming it can be!

Create a daily routine that involves movement, and when possible, exposure to natural light.

Physical exercise is great – running, hiking, online exercise videos or Zoom classes and  even dancing around the room. Have you tried taking a walk and breathing in the surrounding colors?

What about picking up some take-out including little treats and picnicking in a park, or a friend's garden, where you can stay a safe distance and enjoy in the air and sunshine.

Staying connected during this isolating time helps a lot. Think about a person who connection feels important. Ask yourself exactly how you know you were feeling connected to that person. What would work best for you . . . and for them?

https://store.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/d7/priv/sma14-4893.pdf

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/how-to-keep-daily-routine-during-covid19-shelter-in-place#Creating-a-daily-routine

A few months ago I blogged about Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space 

and there are a few ideas there as well.

So there are quite a few self-care options to choose from.Try Googling 'self-care during the pandemic.'

 

And on that morning I was so upset, I chose screaming in the car wash. It felt terrific!

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

CanStock Photo /focalpoint

 

I live in the Bay Area where for over two weeks basic isolation has been mandated and all non-essential businesses are closed down. Streets and side-walks are eerily pretty empty. The six foot rule exists everywhere. And lockdown has just been extended another month.

 

Changes can be so difficult. Especially sudden ones when we are not prepared. And the not knowing can feel intolerable.

 

The uncertainty is unsettling and scary. The upheaval of our regular routines leaves far too much unfilled space. We are suddenly finding ourselves with so much space around us, facing way too much time alone.

 

When everything collapsed, we are find ourselves without the structure we are used to, without the routines we normally have. Let’s take a look at how we can create new structure, new routines, new ways of taking steps to make things seem more manageable and new ways of filling space.

 

But first let’s take a moment to think about what it is about empty space that it makes us feel so uneasy?

 

Horror Vacui _ The Fear of Empty Space

 

Indications of this fear of emptiness and open space have been with us throughout the ages. There is even a term for it: horror vacui, the fear of the void.

 

For example, consider Early Minoan art (from 1600 B.C.) or Greek art (from 500 B.C.), which exhibited great attention to detail. Vase painters started with simple designs and filled in more and more decoration, until all available space was used up—even to the point of saturation.

 

There was a kind of superstition connected to it, a way of keeping the unknown out.

 

There are other examples of this fear of empty space. Stylistically complex and overly elaborate baroque art is an example of this fear of bare surfaces and empty spaces. Cuban novelist Alejo Carpentier describes baroque as an art that moves from the center to the outskirts, transgressing its own margins in the process, leaving no open spaces. And Cuban poet and essayist José Lezama Lima describes baroque as the desperate overflow of the dispossessed.

(Excerpt from Breathing Room–Creating Space to Be a Couple)

 

So when our routine changes dramatically we are left without familiar structure and there is a void. A huge empty space.

 

Maybe you got up, got dressed and went to work. Maybe you didn’t have to leave the house everyday. You had your daily routine and it provided security, structure and order in your life.

 

One of the best examples I know from my observations of friends, family and clients, is the shift that goes on every summer for instructors, teachers, and other school personnel. There is the end-of-the-year whirlwind and then summer starts, and their normal routine disappears. This transition leaves lots of unstructured time, necessitating “shifting gears” in order to fill the space.

 

Often they find too much time on their hands. I have seen the space fill with stress, and anxiety and way too much over-thinking.

 

This is true as well for any of us putting lots of hours and huge amounts of energy into a demanding project and then it ends and we are left with a big empty space.

 

I've been reminding my clients (and myself!) that this void represents a huge loss of how things used to be. And I've been reminding clients (and myself!) how important it is to allow the space to grieve this loss.

 

And there is another layer here –  clients and I are focusing on weaving together responses to the pandemic with past experiences of loss and fears of loss.

 

You, too,  may be noticing how new losses tend to bring up the pain of past losses. Loss can take so many colorations: Loss of a job or relationship can lead to Loss of Identity, Loss of Self-worth, Loss of Respect, Loss of Well-being, Loss of Trust, Loss of Security, Loss of a Dream.

As I've blogged many times before, reaching out and connecting to others as a way of communal grieving can be comforting.

Much more about Loss:  What's Going to Happen to Me?

 

A Plaintive Cry from Josie Therapy Cat: “Where Did All My Peeps Go?"

 

I’m meeting with all of my clients online now. My downstairs office is empty except for me and Josie who believes herself to be a Therapy Cat. She loves greeting and interacting with clients and since I started sheltering-in-place, she wanders back and forth from room to room in my office meowing plaintively,

“Where did all my peeps go?”

 

Working remotely is not new to me, I’ve been offering teletherapy and consulting for years. I’m presently working the same number of face-to-face hours as before, even seeing couples and small family groups online. And I really miss the energy clients would bring into my office.                                                                                                                              

 

Over the years, especially when I was building my private practice and didn’t have very many clients at first, I learned to deal with empty time by scheduling all kinds of stuff to fill up my calendar: ‘Wash hair,’ ‘take a walk, ’make a ‘to-do list.’ 

 

So I’m giving this a try again – especially on the days I feel the most isolated. It gives me a bit of much-needed structure. It helps establish a routine.

 

Actually I've been teased about being a list-maker my whole life. I just knew I needed to make lists in order to get through my day.

 

Then two years ago I found out it is most likely due to my ADHD. Oh, that explains it! And now my old skill is coming in handy so that I can take care of grocery shopping in one trip by carefully making lists. And it gives me something to fill time and space with!

 

When your routine is changed, and days are no longer predictable and familiar, it can really throw you off balance. When you are feeling especially anxious, you might find yourself trying so hard to control your environment that the people around you might feel controlled by you as well.

 

Remind Yourself You Do Have Choices

 

And yet, an effective way to counterbalance feeling out of control is to

strategize gainful ways to feel more in control of the things you can control.

 

 

One good way to do this is to remind yourself that you do have choices. 

In fact, now with so much safety consciousness we find ourselves making new choices every day: you can choose to wash your hands or wash fruits and vegetables for 20 seconds – (or maybe even 30!), you can choose to stand 6 feet apart (or maybe even 6 ½) in that waiting-to-get-into the store line or in the checkout line, you can choose how strict you are regarding self-isolation rules, you can choose to eat comforting and nourishing food. 

 

Perhaps you can choose to go outside to sit for a while or choose to walk in nature.

 

You can choose to exercise even in a chair, From the Joe Goode Performance Group: “We're reaching out to connect during this time apart. Our JGPG company members Damara + Molly share a short, seated movement sequence to do at home” gentle movement for our homebodies.

 

You can choose to counter the feeling of isolation by reaching out to neighbors and friends and family by a text or phone call or email to touch base, to check in, to tell them you are thinking of them and to see how they are doing.

 

What about planning a virtual weekly tea time or cocktail hour online using FaceTime, or Skype or Zoom? 

 

And my 12 year old granddaughter got to attend a virtual slumber party with her friends.

 

I even heard about a virtual medical-mask-making gathering where participants put together cotton or flannel fabric pieces then stitched them making much-needed masks for local hospitals.

Here are some YouTube tutorials on how to prepare the medical masks:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgHrnS6n4iA

 

One thing I'm realizing I miss most is being able to look forward to attending a planned event. Now that all events are cancelled here, I find I can look forward to a virtual event with people I know.

 

 

Like the Phoenix Rising from the Ashes –

A Different Sense of Community Is Emerging

 

 

All around me I hear about folks choosing to deepen a sense of community. Gestures of caring and kindness on my neighborhood NextDoor listserve have been heartwarming.

 

There has been a community effort to order curbside or delivery from favorite restaurants to help them stay in business. Lots of folks offering to shop for seniors in need, exchanging information about which stores are sanitizing cart and basket handles, which stores have toilet paper and paper towels in stock, and even offering rolls of toilet paper if someone posts a need!

 

Charles Eisenstein in The Coronation describes the power of common cause and collective will:

“Covid-19 is showing us that when humanity is united in common cause, phenomenally rapid change is possible.….In coherency, humanity’s creative powers are boundless. A few months ago, a proposal to halt commercial air travel would have seemed preposterous. Likewise for the radical changes we are making in our social behavior, economy, and the role of government in our lives. Covid demonstrates the power of our collective will when we agree on what is important. What else might we achieve, in coherency? What do we want to achieve, and what world shall we create? That is always the next question when anyone awakens to their power”

‪https://charleseisenstein.org/essays/the-coronation/

 

I’m realizing how complacent I’ve been about so many things. I’m learning there is more than one way to see things and do things  . . . and surely to appreciate things.

This an unprecedented and challenging time for all of us.

I hope that each of you are finding ways to safely navigate this journey.

 

I want to acknowledge Odilia Galván Rodríguez for making this blog come alive by contributing quotes from Sarah Crowell, Sister Dang Nghiem and Charles Eisenstein.Thanks Odilia!

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage