Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Honoring Grief and Making Losses Real

By Elayne Savage, PhD

               © Can Stock Photo / cuteimage

 

When I blogged about Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space last month, some of you asked to know more about loss.

Over the last month I’ve had dozens of new conversations with therapy and coaching clients about how early losses and fears are affecting how they are coping with the present day anxiety of the coronavirus pandemic.

I’m especially aware how each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long forgotten, they can pack a wallop, bringing back strong emotions and body sensations, in a PTSD-kind-of-way.

 

Loss of security

Loss of health and vitality

Loss of professional identity

Loss of a job or position

Loss of respect

Loss of recognition or promotions

Loss of loved ones, pets, friends, co-workers

Loss of support

Loss of contact and connection

Loss of self-esteem and losing face

Loss of expectations and illusions and dreams

 

And each of my disappointments is a loss as well.

It helps me in times of loss to remind myself that losses sometimes force me to see things through a different perspective. And this terrible crisis has produced some opportunities to learn something new about life –– when I choose to.

 

“….we are shedding bits and pieces of ourselves as we shape and reshape our lives, our futures, and ourselves. Like a snake which must shed its skin in order to grow, or a bird that must first molt to make room for its new stronger feathers in order to fly, we must let go of parts of ourselves, our identity, our sense of security, and those we love, in order to grow and flourish.”               

––  From loveandlightfromhealingcreek.blogspot.com/2006/06/necessary-losses.html describing Judith Viorst's Necessary Losses

 

All too often experiencing losses seems surreal –– especially sudden losses when we don't have time to adjust. And the onset of suffering and death from the coronavirus and covid-19 has surely seemed sudden.

Grief is a response to any kind of loss and I’ve learned from many years of struggling with losses, how important it is to grieve each one of them.

 

In Order to Grieve, We Must Make the Loss Real

I’ve learned about the importance of making the loss real in order to be able to fully grieve and move forward.

In order to make the plane crash real, I knew I had to spend some time on a DC-3.

There are many ways to make losses real:

- Writing out the story of the loss and disappointment and reading this out loud to yourself or to someone else makes the loss real.

- Creating a ritual.

Burning memorial candles. Lighting long-burning votive candles. I really like the Jewish Memorial candles that come in small glasses and burn for 24 hours.

- A virtual play-doh sculpting party. (Homemade recipe below!)

Form the play-doh into how you feel when the loss or disappointment comes. Then sculpt it into a somewhat different form—more positive appearing—reframing the meaning. For example, choosing to see something using a creative ‘opening up’ outlook rather than a ‘closing up or roadblock’ and making a shape to display that new perspectuve,

https://www.iheartnaptime.net/play-dough-recipe/

- Making collages from magazine ads and photos that symbolize the loss or disappointment, then making a second collage and choosing to capture a different point of view.

 

Let’s Put Our Losses in Perspective

• Give a voice to your feelings.

• Give yourself permission to be sad or disappointed or angry.

• Remind yourself that this present loss is being influenced and affected by all of your past losses no matter how small they may seem.

• Try to acknowledge and speak to and calm the fears of that part of you that is the most upset—that scared child part of you that asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”

• Can you visualize a container in which to keep your fears of loss and abandonment? What does it look like?

• Find some creative ways to make your losses real and to grieve them.

• Let the part of you that knows how to deal with these setbacks lead the way for the part of you that is confused and floundering.

• I encourage clients to ‘walk alongside themselves, noticing and naming’ their thoughts and their  feelings. This practice allows them to recognize that they do have choices in their responses.

When we are able to make a choice about how we perceive these disappointments and s we may not feel so trapped. Having options means allowing the flexibility to change the way we think about something. So why not make a choice to make a change in how we think about loss and disappointment? Why not sculpt it into a somewhat different form — reframing the meaning.

By "naming" and "noticing" you can create some objectivity and open up your awareness to reshaping and rethinking the situation. and make choices about how you want to react to and deal with the situation. It’s easier to change something that we clearly see and understand.

 

Renewed Trauma and PTSD

There’s another aspect of loss that I want to give some attention to.

For many of us experiencing loss can create fears of abandonment. It brings up emotional and body memories of past traumatic experiences.

“Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel the full range of emotions and experiences.”

https://integratedlistening.com/what-is-trauma/

Trauma can be whatever event is traumatic to an individual in the moment. For some of us it may involve being teased or shamed or belittled by a mean-spirited parent or teacher or older sibling or cousin. Or being yelled at by an enraged out-of-control parent. For others it may involve being pushed or hit. And for some of us it might be being accosted by sexual innuendos or sexual assault. Each of us has different ways of processing inappropriate behaviors and each of us has our own brand of resilience which affects how we react to future trauma.

In previous blogs I’ve focused on how during a traumatic event the stress hormones come into play. Adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are activated by the amygdala and result in fight, flight or freeze reactions.

These central (survival) details are imprinted, encoded and put into life-long storage in the neural pathway.  Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD –– with renewed spurts of the stress hormones during a new experience, often repeating over the course of our lives
 
Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.

According to neuroscience the human brain processes, files and stores memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping and the hippocampus is the brain’s memory filing system.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and upon reflection it turns out to be some kind of stored memory.  

We tend to remember the essential, central, survival details, and the brain’s filing system – the hippocampus, filters out the peripheral details.

In my work as a Child Protective Services Social Worker, trainer of therapists, and practicing psychotherapist I focus on childhood and adult trauma. I have often encountered the complex workings of the brain in processing traumatic events. And I know this from personal experiences as well.

It can be immensely upsetting when seemingly out of nowhere there is an unexpected return of the kind of anxiety, which had been  experienced during the original event.

When emotional and body reactions seem to pop up from seemingly unrelated occurrences, it can be It can be disconcerting, confusing, frightening and overwhelming.  We find ourselves back in the fight, flight or freeze mode and those stress hormones kick in again, causing similar anxiety to the original traumatic experience. The fear and dread and uncertainty of this pandemic are triggering some very old traumatic experiences in many of us. And anxiety runs high.

A woman I know describes how "The tornado hits and I'm Dorothy."

Fortunately there are ways to deal with these memory intrusions:


I’m a big believer in identifying and putting words to the messages we take in from the original trauma – having to do how we view our world, the safety of our world and trust of the people in it.

And I’m a fan of using ways to reprogram the neural pathways:
 Neuroplasticity, EMDR, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), and Brain Spotting are not therapy, but they provide additional tools.

 

More about Grief and Loss:

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/grief/

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/loss/

http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_photos.htm

 

Hoping this provides some understanding of all the levels of distress this pandemic has been causing for so many of us .

If you have questions or more to add, contact me at [email protected] or on my blog site under ‘comments’

www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Stay safe and as comfortable as you possibly can . . .

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Please Don’t Say “Get Over It”

By Elayne Savage,PhD

 

CanStock:  by 72soul

 

“GET OVER IT," says White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. regarding the phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President Zelensky.

And I cringed.These are hurtful words for me to hear. You see, I have a cringe-worthy history with that phrase.

My contentious relationship with ‘Get over it” began when I was 12 years old and well-wishers and do-gooders hugged me and hugged me and hugged me after the joint funeral for my mother and grandmother. They said things like “Tuck your feelings away - try to get over it.”

Well, no. It doesn’t quite work that way. That early trauma has continued to affect many of my personal and professional interactions. Losing them suddenly in a plane crash taught me it it’s safer to hold back on loving someone - they might leave or die.

And it’s not just me: I often hear stories about the effects from ‘Get over it” from my therapy clients. Maybe it was a breakup, maybe a job loss, maybe a death, maybe inappropriate behavior by a family member.

It is especially painful after they have mustered the courage to talk about an early painful event. And some clients describe feeling inadequate and ashamed that they can’t push away effects of their early trauma.

And yes, I have even heard stories about psychotherapists or psychiatrists or doctors who have given the same advice: “Just try to get over it!” maybe wanting to be helpful and not realizing how hurtful these words it can be.

There is a certain sarcasm when someone says, “Get over it.” It so easily translates to “Deal with it” or “Stop living in the past” or “Why can’t you just move on.”

I’ve come to understand what a big difference there is between the dismissive “get over it” and the empowering choice of moving forward.

Feeling Unsupported By a Friend Felt Like Betrayal

Following the shock of 9/11 I wrote a piece titled ‘What’s Going to Happen to Me?’ relating how these crashing planes caused so many deaths and remembering my own shock and trauma when my mother and grandmother died in a DC-3 plane crash when I was a child.

Back then I didn’t talk about how painful my loss was, And in this piece, because I described such personal feelings and fears, I felt I I didn’t have enough objectivity about my. writing. So I asked a few close friends to read it and give me feedback.

The consensus was that my story could be comforting to others - especially because I acknowledged my own fears and struggles.

Then I made the mistake of sharing this with a good friend, also a writer.

He knew about my experience of being discouraged in my family to talk about the crash or ask questions. He knew how decades later I sought answers and even sent away for reports and photos of the crash site. I was trying to piece it all together. And I was finally allowing a long-delayed healing process begin.

But it's slow going.

Each time a plane goes down, it feels like my mother's plane crashes again. And that special place in my heart aches.

My friend knew about all this, yet when he read the draft he responded “Get over it.”

I was shocked and hurt to my core. I knew I could not continue to be his friend.

Recently I shared a bit of my experience of the crash with a relatively new friend. He asked if I might be letting that experience define me. That was hard to hear and digest, but he is absolutely right!

Thinking about it this way allows me to create a way to balance some of the negative effects of that early trauma.

Telling he story of the crash leading to my journey in developing resilience has become one of my favorite keynote speeches.
And I like to think of getting paid well to do this is my little joke on the world!

———————————————————

So I began writing this a week ago, the day Mick Mulvaney made his crack about “Get over it.” Then I got derailed by the mandated electrical blackouts here due to the fires and high winds. This is basically a first draft and probably can use some editing!

I had no land line,cell phone, no wifi, no email, and for a while, no texting ability,. What an isolating and scary feeling that was! No way to make or receive contact or charge devices unless I drove to another location.

I want to share with you the story of an offer by a neighbor around the corner when none of us had electricity.
Turns out somehow his house had power and he posted on NextDoor the neighborhood listserve: “If anyone needs to charge up their phones or electronics we have power. There's a power strip out down the driveway. Just remember to bring your own charger.” His thoughtfulness did a lot to offset a couple of pretty miserable days.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Many Faces of Survivor Guilt

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                © Can Stock Photo / AlphaBaby

Waylon Jennings and I have shared the same haunting guilty thought for many years . . .

 

The pain of survivor guilt and recent suicides has been permeating the news – and my heart as well.

Recently two Parkland students, 19-year-old Sydney Aiello and 16-year-old sophomore Calvin Desir have died by suicide. Jeremy Richman, also died by suicide. He was the father of Avielle, a Sandy Hook first grader who was killed in Newtown Connecticut.

You may also be aware that following the Columbine massacre in 1999 two people died by suicides –the mother of a Columbine student killed and the surviving best friend of another student who died. At the time there was little counseling available to survivors of this trauma.

We mostly read about survivor guilt as it relates to those who survive a tragedy: schools, restaurants, night clubs, terrorism –– massacres of all kinds.

Survivor Guilt Is Not Just About Catastrophes

There are less obvious and dramatic kinds situations that elicit survivor guilt, yet, no matter what the cause, the enormity of it still exists. For example, it might be surviving the death of a sibling. Or being a replacement child for a sibling who had died before you were born. Or being a healthy child when a sibling has a disability of some kind. Or being your family member’s caretaker. Or being a young child and having your parent die.

Survivors are often consumed by thoughts of “could I have prevented this?"
“Could I have done more?” “Why them and not me?”

For me the recurring thought was: Did I cause the plane crash that killed my mother and grandmother?

I was 12 years old and angry at my mother for leaving me to take my grandmother to the Mayo Clinic. As they were about to drive to the airport I screamed, “I hate you. I wish you were dead!”

For years I believed I caused that plane to crash.

Decades later, with the help of a therapist, I began to understand I had really wanted to hug my mom goodbye and tell her, “Please don’t go, I need you.”

I was about 40 when I had that realization –– the same age as my mother when she died.

And about that time was when I first became aware of the idea of ‘survivor guilt’ and the power of it. I was in graduate school in the 80’s when I read The Sibling Bond by Stephen Bank and Michael Kahn.

’ll never forget that moment I recognized my own survivor experience as I was reading these pages on survivor guilt.

What Right Do I Have to Live a Relatively Normal Life When My Sibling Suffers So Much?

Bank and Kahn describe survivor guilt of one sibling when the other sibling is distressed, has a disability or has died. The disability might be mental, emotional (including substance abuse,) intellectual or physical. Another example of survivor guilt is when the ‘well one’ witnesses the other being physically or emotionally abused and they feel powerless to rescue them.

According to Bank and Kahn ‘well’ siblings may ask themselves, “By what right do I live a relatively normal life when my sibling suffers so much?”

It was in these pages that I was introduced to the amazing work of Robert J. Lifton who in the 60’s researched the ‘survivor guilt’ of survivors of the explosion of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima, breathing, loving and living while their compatriots perished.‘ Death in Life: Survivors of Hiroshima (1967) Along with Lifton’s ground-breaking work, the term ‘survivor guilt’ was used in 1960’s studies of the Holocaust.

Guilt appears to be a frequent response following traumatic events.

Dr. Kathleen Nader describes how this occurs:

“Following traumatic events, guilt may be a complicated part of traumatic response; it is among the symptoms associated with more pronounced traumatic reactions. Guilt may intensify or complicate trauma and/or grief reactions (Nader et al., 1990; Schwarz and Kowalski, 1992). It also may result in hopelessness, depression and other problems such as self-harm, suicidal feelings, and substance abuse. Resolution and acting in the best interest of both the guilt-ridden and the offended may require the help of a skilled individual (e.g., therapist, clergy or, in some cases, a wise friend).”

“Unresolved guilt, whether for actual or perceived offenses, can result in a multitude of problems including mental health difficulties, negative responses from others, and disrupted relationships. Guilt can immobilize. It can hinder or prevent well-being, trauma recovery, a normal progression through life, productive action and positive relationships. Recognized or unrecognized guilt can undermine relationships over prolonged periods or affect the kinds of relationships a person attracts to him or herself. It can keep the guilt-ridden individual "stuck" in suffering, depression, and/or self-recrimination. The attitude and demeanor of guilt may elicit reactions from others such as ire, punishment, or victimization. Guilt can punish more than the guilty. It colors interactions and the quality of life for the guilt-ridden and for those whose lives are affected by their moods and behaviors and by the level of their support, goal-setting and productivity.”

http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/Guilt-Following-Traumatic-Events.html

So indeed survivor guilt can be an aspect of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event. Professional counseling and support is an important step toward healing and may help save lives.

When I was a child no one even considered that my younger brother Lee and I might need some help processing feelings of loss and abandonment … and guilt. Back then as now, there was too often a stigma against getting professional help.

In the present we are learning from these recent survivor suicides that there has not been enough support and professional help in the communities where the tragedies took place. And survivors are reluctant to ask for help. Many tend to put on a brave face and demeanor, so no one will worry about them.

Over 35 years I have seen a lot of trauma survivors and their families in my psychotherapy practice. Over the last few decades I have been able to educate clients about the complexities of survivor guilt and various ways it may be affecting them. It’s amazing what a difference this realization has made for them!

Just as it did for me over 30 years ago when I first read about Lifton’s work and the observations of Bank and Kahn. I knew instantly that it was Survivor Guilt that had held such power over me. Understanding this allowed me to begin to reclaim my power.

One way I have dealt with my loss and the survivor guilt has been to educate about it and share my experience with book and blog readers, keynote audiences and some workplace and psychotherapy clients.

And this from Wikipedia: ‘Lifton also concluded that the sense of personal disintegration many people experienced after witnessing death and destruction on a mass scale could ultimately lead to a new emotional resilience—but that without the proper support and counseling, most survivors would remain trapped in feelings of unreality and guilt.’

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Jay_Lifton

Waylon and Me and Survivor Guilt

You may have heard this classic story about survivor guilt and “The Day the Music Died.” After performing two sold-out shows at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake Iowa on their Winter Dance Party tour, Waylon Jennings opted to take the heat-less tour bus and gave up his seat to the Big Bopper who had the flu. The chartered single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza was also carrying Buddy Holly and Richie Valens.

When Holly learned that Jennings was not going to fly with him, he joked, "Well, I hope your ol' bus freezes up." Jennings responded, "Well, I hope your ol' plane crashes." This exchange of words must have haunted Jennings for the rest of his life after the plane crashed into an Iowa cornfield during a blizzard on February 3, 1959.

Decades later Jennings said in an interview, “God almighty, for years I thought I caused it.”

Wow. Waylon Jennings and I shared the same haunting guilty thought for so many years. Wouldn't we have had a whole lot to talk about if we’d had the chance! Actually I missed my chance: I saw him perform with his band the Waylors in Tempe upstairs at JD's in the late 60's.  So there I was sitting just a few feet away from him and he was very accessible before he became famous.. -- Sure wish I had known this story back then.

By the way, my mother’s plane crashed into an Iowa cornfield on August 22 1954 during a violent storm. The crashes were 4 ½ years and 14 miles apart.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Here are some links for you:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/parkland-newtown-apparent-suicides-put-spotlight-survivor-s-guilt-n987011

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/parkland-suicides-mass-shooting-survivor-mental-health-services_n_5c9a7bcfe4b08c450ccd16d5

Mason City Globe Gazette:  'The Other 50's Place Crash'

There is to Be No Grieving

'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing' (San Francisco Examiner Op Ed)

Here are some earlier blogs on the tragedies that took place at Columbine, Sandy Hook and Marjory Stoneman Douglas Schools.

Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear – Columbine   http://bit.ly/2Wvldn6

The Heartbreak of Another Mass School Shooting http://bit.ly/2FzpRN3

Mason City Globe Gazette

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Young Prince Harry and Me – 12 years old and losing our mothers in a crash

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

  

 

Diana and her boys, taken by John Swannell Christmas Card portrait 

 

When you are 12 years old and your mother is killed in a crash, your world crumbles. Everything turns upside down and inside out. Devastating doesn’t even begin to describe the shock of it. There are no words.

Since the day Harry’s mother was killed in a car crash I’ve felt a kindred-spirited-ness with him. I, too, was 12 years old when my mother was killed decades earlier – also in late August – in a DC-3 that crashed into a cornfield in Iowa. My grandmother died too. Poof they were gone.

Two days after Princess Diana’s death I was launching my first book in the SF Bay Area. I was imagining my mother there with me, feeling proud of me.

I knew I had to begin my talk by confiding my immense feelings of sadness for Harry and William. Especially about how I found myself caught up in the experience of 12 year old Harry. How could I not describe my own pain and my years-long struggle to deal with the shock of the unexpected deaths in my life?

The crash was something I didn’t much talk about. All through college hardly any one knew how my mother died. I always felt different from the other kids. Even defective. It seemed everyone else had a mother.

Shutting Down Emotions

I simply shut down my emotions in much the same way Harry recently described, “My way of dealing with it was sticking my head in the sand, refusing to ever think about my mum because why would that help? It’s only going to make you sad. It’s not going to bring her back.”

I don’t know what the rules about grieving were in Harry and William’s family, but in mine the unspoken rule was “there is to be no grieving.” For years after the plane crash we were not allowed to talk about my mom. My younger brother Lee and I were expected to hold it all in.

My father even removed all of her photos and we thought he threw them away. Then 30 years later when he died, Lee found albums stashed on the top shelf of Dad’s closet. He had moved with them four times.

So that evening of my book talk, walking from my car to the bookstore I was consumed with thoughts of how 12 year old Harry and 12 year old me both lost our mothers in crashes. I knew I had to share this in my book talk. How could I not?

When I arrived and saw the size of the crowd, what seemed like a scary plan began to feel daunting.

This would be the first time I allowed myself to be vocally public about my decades of grief. And there were so many people in that room!

And after all the years of secrecy, telling my story that evening was a breakthrough. It freed me up to be more comfortable describing my feelings both in my writing and in my workshops. Sometimes, on stage as I remember what it was like to be that 12 year old, I find myself crying.

Our Last Words to Our Mothers

Harry and William so poignantly describe their last phone call with their mother hours before her death. Harry relates “…regretting for the rest of my life how short the phone call was ....I have to deal with that for the rest of my life: not knowing that it was the last time I'd speak to my mum, how differently that conversation would have panned out if I'd had even the slightest inkling that her life was going to be taken that night."

I too would have a very different conversation with my mother before she and my grandmother left for the airport. I, too, have a story to tell about regretting my last words to my mother.

I had just returned from summer camp, my first time away, and was upset she was leaving me to escort my grandmother to the Mayo clinic.

Instead of hugging her and saying, "Please don’t go, I need you,” I screamed at her, “I hate you—I wish you were dead.” 

And I never saw her again.

In my 12 year old mind, I believed my words had caused the plane to crash. This belief continued, of course, for many years.

I wonder if 12 year old Harry told himself that having a different sort of conversation might have prevented the car crash.

And what about you? Have you ever wished you could roll back the film and said something else or something more?

This kind of unresolved complicated grief takes so much energy to deal with.

Harry says it very well, “…losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on not only my personal life but my work as well.”

This kind of loss is often accompanied by feeling very alone and isolated. It kindles a tremendous fear of losing the people we love, a fear often wrapped in the most profound rejection of all – abandonment.

This kind of unresolved complicated grief and the resulting fears color our relationships in profound ways, influencing how we interact with others and how they interact with us. Often it even affects the lives of our children and grandchildren. Too often we begin to create distance from those we love, including our children, afraid to care too much for fear of losing them.

For many of us healing is a life-long process, including a need to be often checking to make sure loved ones are still by our side. That they aren’t going anywhere.

And many of us do a kind of strange thing. We have ways of giving out confusing messages to our partners such as “come closer, go away“ or “I’m going to leave you before you can leave me.”

Stand By Me – For Always

I loved that the couple chose ’Stand By Me’ as their wedding song. As I was watching the video of the choir singing, the camera focused briefly on the couple holding hands and listening intently. I think I saw a momentary 12 year old look on Prince Harry’s face as he searched the face of his bride, almost as if for reassurance.

 

screen capture/Royal Wedding performance - Karen Gibson and the Kingdom Choir 

 

And then, when Meghan Markle looked up and smiled at him his whole face changed!

 

screen capture/Royal Wedding performance - Karen Gibson and the Kingdom Choir

 

Maybe I was actually seeing my own 12 year old self and imagining my own need for reassurance in the first photo. 

What do you think?

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

More on unresolved and complicated grief: bit.ly/SYkMJv

Harry’s interview: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/04/16/prince-harry-sought-counselling-death-mother-led-two-years-total/

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

OUR PRIVACY POLICY:    http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/our-privacy-policy.html

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

My Mother, My Daughter, Myself - And a Powerful Anniversary Reaction

By Elayne Savage, PhD

August 22 has always been difficult for me. This past one was exceptionally unsettling.

Ever since I was 12 years old I have dreaded the day. August 22 meant having to take the long drive to the cemetery to visit the graves of my mother and grandmother. It meant reliving the day we learned my mother and grandmother died together in a plane crash.

Every year I dutifully light two 24-hour memorial candles the evening of August 21st so they will  burn throughout the next day. I say a prayer for each of them, but often find myself staying detached in a weird sort of way.

This year was different.

Lighting the candles I began to sob. I couldn't stop. This has never happened before during this ritual.

As a grief therapist and having worked many years on my own delayed grief issues, I was able to connect this seemingly mysterious reaction to the fact that my daughter Jocelyn recently turning 40. My mother, Goldie, was 40 years old when she died.

What a stunning realization this has been! And for Jocelyn too when I shared it with her.

I used to think of my mother as old and dowdy. I guess a 12 year old might see her mother that way. But it was more than her age. When I look at photos from back then, she looked depleted and always sad.

And of course I think of my daughter as forever young. And vibrant. And a wise and talented Licensed Clinical Social Worker. And a terrific mother to her daughter.

How can she possibly already be 40? What happened to 32 and 35 and 37?

Actually the day my daughter turned 40 I was aware of the age connection between her and my mother. But back then I didn't anticipate the huge effect it was having on me. Until the evening I lit those candles.

Many of you know the story of the plane crash from reading previous writings or hearing me speak. However newer subscribers may not have a clue to what I'm talking about. 
(See the link at the very end below to fill you in . . .)

OK, so I'm very familiar with the concept of anniversary reactions.

OK, so I've helped psychotherapy and workplace clients navigate reactions to losses and deal with how global disasters affect functioning and productivity.

OK, so this year I find myself having an especially difficult time.

As is common for survivors of early childhood trauma and loss, I've experienced my share of these reactions. Turning 40 was a difficult birthday for me, but I saw it coming and did a little prep work. The shock came when I turned 41.That birthday surprised me because I was not at all prepared for it. Turning 41 reminded me I had reached the age my mother never had a chance to experience.

By the way, another tough time was when Jocelyn turned 12, the age I was when my mother died. But I saw that anniversary coming too and was prepared. I wonder what it will be like for me when my grand daughter turns 12!

If you, too, have dealt with anniversary reactions, what have you found helpful?

Recognizing Anniversary Reactions

You may be familiar with the term anniversary effect or reaction.  When there has been a traumatic event or disaster in our lives, we often experience emotional reactions to certain cues. It may not be immediate, but can happen down the road.

Cues, or triggers often feel like they are random, out of the blue. They may be related to dates, seasons, holidays, smells, tastes, sounds, textures, or even music and art. Can you think of other cues? Have there been some cues in your experience?

You may inexplicably become uneasy, irritable, restless, impatient, anxious, sad or fearful. You may experience a loss of appetite or find it's hard to concentrate. There may also be body responses such as headaches, neck or back pain, or stomach upsets.

You may ask yourself, “Where do all these sudden feelings come from?” Nothing in the present seems to warrant a reaction like this. 

A good explanation may be that you are re-experiencing a traumatic event from your past. Anniversary reactions are often related to a death or other loss. And as you guess, anniversary reactions are sometimes a symptom of PTSD. (See link below for more information on the connection.)

Do you think you may have had an anniversary reaction in the past and didn't know it?

It helps to realize that what you are experiencing is most likely an anniversary effect. It also helps to be prepared for it by anticipating the date or time of year that it might appear. And knowing it is usually short lived and in a week or so you'll probably feel better. If the reaction lasts for more than a few weeks and interferes with your ability to do normal tasks, consider finding a psychotherapist who understands Anniversary Reactions and works with PTSD and trauma reactions.

These reactions can sneak up on us unless we are prepared. But don't count on your reaction appearing on a certain date. It can be a season, a loved one's birthday, a particular holiday.

Often it's more subtle and elusive like certain sounds or smells in the air or the age connections I wrote about above regarding Goldie and Jocelyn. And Jocelyn and me.

Understanding the subtleties and preparing for a possible reaction is where talking with a professional can be especially useful.

Actually the day my daughter turned 40 I was aware of the connection between the ages of her and my mother. But back then I didn't anticipate the huge effect it was having on me. Until the evening I lit those candles.

Where Does It Come From?

According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a trauma it screens and files the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction – an anniversary reaction.

Even though we think we are prepared for an upcoming anniversary date, there are other layers of more subtle memories that cause a more powerful than usual response. This is what happened to me when my daughter turned the same age my mother was when she died. i simply wasn't prepared for the enormity of that reaction.
(This is just a very brief overview of the neurobiology involved. See the links below for more information.)

So What to Do? How to Best Navigate These Difficult Times

• When your reactions in the present seem out of proportion with what's going on in your life, ask yourself, “Has anything significant ever happened to me at this time of year?” It may well be an anniversary of your trauma.

• When you can, try to foresee the approach of the anniversary event. Plan to take especially good care of yourself, maybe scheduling some time to listen to and write about your feelings as the anniversary event gets closer.

• Take care of your own needs. Try to stay hydrated, get sufficient sleep, eat regularly, maybe walk in nature, breathing in the colors.

• Talk out loud to family or friends about your feelings. If this is a trauma you share with other family members, talking with them on the anniversary date can be healing for both of you. My brother, Lee, and I always make a point of connecting on August 22.

• Talking with a professional specializing in loss and grief and can help you navigate through  your experience.

• Rituals can be healing. My favorite is lighting candles. Or creating a safe, contained reminiscence of the event. Or developing a new ritual of volunteering your time or resources.

• Balance fun time and time with others with making space for quiet time with yourself. But respect your needs. Do you need a healing ritual to acknowledge your trauma or do you need some distraction from your thoughts and feelings? 

I'd love to hear your experiences with anniversary reactions and how you have handled them.

Until next time . . .

Elayne

For more about the anniversary effect:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-d-erlich-md/grief_b_1164254.html   

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201105/the-anniversary-effect

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/anniversary_reactions_pro.asp

This is a pretty cool resource site: http://www.squidoo.com/anniversary-reaction

And here's the link to the plane crash story from my blog TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

There Is to Be No Grieving

by Elayne Savage, PhD

“There Is to Be No Grieving,” describes how incomplete grieving has powerful long-term effects throughout our lives.

As with others who have experienced significant childhood challenges, I’m repeatedly reminded that healing is a life-long process.

The publication of my story about delayed grieving originally appeared in Elizabeth Wagele's The Enneagram of Death – Helpful Insights by the 9 Types of People on Grief, Fear and Death.

Writing this gives me the opportunity to take a long look at important personal issues: dealing with exposure of course, as well as loss and abandonment. I can see now how I had let these deaths define me for many years.

Experiencing this healing process has been quite a journey!                                                                                                                                           

Braniff DC-3

I had just returned from overnight camp — it was my first time away from home and I missed my mother terribly. I couldn’t wait to tell her all about my week .

A few minutes after I walked in the door Mom announced she’d be leaving on a plane the next day with my grandmother. I couldn't believe it. So what if my grandmother needed medical tests at the Mayo Clinic? Why did it have to be my mother who took her? I spent the rest of the day in my room sulking.

As they were leaving for the airport I wanted to hug her and say, "Please don’t go, I need you.”

Instead, I screamed at her, “I hate you—I wish you were dead.” 

They never arrived. The plane with sixteen passengers and three crew members on board crashed into a cornfield in Swaledale, Iowa just south of Mason City. The pilot and co-pilot died. The flight hostess and six passengers survived. Debris from the crash was spread along a line of more than 500 feet. The date was August 22, 1954.

During the long layover in Des Moines, my mom learned a Braniff flight would depart earlier than her scheduled flight. What she didn’t know was the Braniff flight was a “puddle jumper,” stopping at every city en route, and a fierce storm was approaching. The Mason City flight controller instructed the pilot not to land. He decided to try anyway.

I was twelve years old. My brother Lee was nine.

Losing our mother and grandmother in a plane crash has defined us most of our lives.

The Long Wait for News

We waited into the evening for my mom to signal us from Rochester saying they had arrived safely. I was looking forward to our little phone company trick where she’d place a person-to-person call for “Aloysius.” We’d say, “Sorry, Aloysius is not here,” then we’d giggle about how we got away with something.

But the call never came.

I was absorbed in the sewing project on my lap, not paying much attention to the TV news. I had just returned from overnight camp where all the girls except me were wearing embroidered cutoffs. My dad said they cost too much to buy, so I was embroidering my own.

I heard the announcer’s ominous voice; “A Braniff DC-3 went down during a storm … on a farm …near Mason City, Iowa.” My dad jumped up, muttering something about Braniff not being the right airline. Then he was on the phone for a long time.

I just sat there, stitching. And thinking about how I had acted so badly that morning when I screamed, "I hate you, I wish you were dead!"

Search and Rescue at the crash site

 

Poof. They Were Gone 

So I was sitting cross-legged in the overstuffed chair, staring at the cutoffs in my hands. I forced myself to concentrate on pulling the needle and embroidery thread through the thick denim. In and out, making those tiny stitches, repeating to myself, “Dad said that wasn’t the right plane.” Out of the corner of my eye I could see he was still in the kitchen on the phone.

I’ll never forget the slump of his shoulders and that awful look on his face as he walked back into the living room. “Their plane crashed. Your mother is dead. So is your grandmother.” I couldn’t believe his words. I could only stammer, “You’re kidding, aren’t you? Tell me you’re kidding.”

Illustration by Elizabeth Wagele

My uncles arrived. Uncle Joe had a handkerchief tied around his neck that smelled of Ben-Gay. Uncle Max kept repeating the story of the drive to the airport. My mother and grandmother almost didn’t take the flight because my mother left her purse at home. Uncle Max gave her a wad of cash and they boarded the plane. No wonder my dad had been so long on the phone—since my mother had no purse, she had no I.D. Finally the temporary morgue was able to identify her from the inscription in her wedding band.

My nine-year-old brother, Lee, was still sleeping. “Tomorrow will be soon enough to tell him,” the adults decided. “Let him sleep.”

The next morning Dad told Lee about the crash urging, “You have to be a brave soldier.” Then Dad bundled us off to my aunt and uncle’s. I wanted to talk to Lee about the crash, but I didn’t know how. The three of us rode across town in silence. “There are only three of us now,” kept repeating in my head.

Later that morning, we were eating pancakes at my aunt’s kitchen table. The radio was on: “Two Omaha residents were killed yesterday in a Braniff Airlines crash—Goldie Raskin and her mother, Sarah Wolfson.”

“They’re dead?” my brother gasped. “Dead?” He ran out of the kitchen, sobbing.

Lee and I didn’t go to the double funeral. Dad thought it best we stay home. “The biggest funeral Omaha has ever seen,” people bragged. “There was even a police escort!”

Nothing seemed real. There was the shock of the newspaper headlines. I was embarrassed to see my mother’s picture on the front page. I wished they’d used a better photo. It was so blurry I could hardly tell it was my mom. The TV and newspaper reporters were angling for an interview with Lee and me. Thank goodness my family kept them away.

After the funeral, big-bosomed women, smelling of talc, pulled me close, clucking, “Oh, you poor baby.” I couldn’t breathe. I overheard wisps of speculations about the cause of the crash, the condition of the bodies. I learned some new information: almost half of the passengers survived the crash! I had thought everyone died.

That’s when my mind began playing tricks. “Maybe there’s a big mistake and they didn’t die after all,” would alternate with, “Why did they have to be the ones to die?” In the middle of this confusion, my camp counselor phoned me saying how sorry she was. Maybe she wasn’t upset with me anymore about the trouble I caused in the cabin. Camp seemed like a very long time ago.

Things stayed surreal for many years. My dad removed all photos of my mother. Lee and I thought he’d thrown them out, but when he died thirty years later, Lee found the albums hidden in the back of the highest shelf of his closet. He had moved with them four times, yet we never knew they existed. Shortly after she died he sold his business, took a job traveling, and hired a housekeeper. So we lost him much of the time as well.

The unspoken family rule was: There is to be no grieving. Our grief was to remain wrapped in silence.

There was no place to have feelings. It didn’t cross anyone’s mind that Lee and I would benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist. In those days it just wasn’t done. I was doing a lot of acting out—mostly getting kicked out of class and study hall for talking.

Illustration by Elizabeth Wagele

My middle school principal, Dr. Brown, tried to counsel me but I completely shut down. My high school English teacher, Marcia Blacker, tried as well, asking “Is everything okay at home?” I said, “Just fine,” but it wasn’t. (Years later I actually searched for and located Ms. Blacker and thanked her for caring.) I threw myself into schoolwork, socializing, school clubs and cheerleading so I didn’t have to feel the sadness or spend time in a lonely house.

For many decades I lived with this tender, unhealed wound. Every year I dreaded the arrival of August 22. I felt different from friends and professional colleagues. It has always been awkward to explain that my mother and grandmother died in a plane crash. People didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t cry about it.                                  

Thank goodness I was required to start therapy as part of my Psychology Master’s program in my mid thirties. Luckily I found a therapist who understood unresolved grief and abandonment fears.

I worked for many years to move past this childhood double loss.

I began to recognize my feelings of sadness and hurt and anger. I began to understand I don’t have to be a scared child any longer.

Yet something more needed to be done. Fortunately a grief counselor reminded me: in order to grieve a loss and move on we need to make it real. You’d think as a psychotherapist and relationship coach I would have known that. But we so often miss our own issues and solutions until someone else points them out.

I woke up one morning knowing the best way to make this loss real would be to arrange a private visit to the kind of plane my mother and grandmother died in—a DC-3.

Becoming a DC-3 Groupie

Finally, I gathered the courage to track one down and found a DC-3 in pristine condition in Van Nuys: the private plane of Clay Lacy, a major aviation figure. I flew from Berkeley to Los Angeles for the adventure, taking along my yellowing newspaper clippings of the crash, and brought photos of Lee, me, and our children. I carried two long-stemmed coral roses.

Interior of a DC-3

DC-3’s are really quite adorable. The plane was waiting for me on the tarmac, it’s nose high in the air and it’s tail almost touching the ground. When the door swings down it reveals the steps on its backside. I was so excited as I climbed the steps and peered into the plane. Then my heart sank: “What happened? This is not the passenger plane I was expecting.” I had no idea many DC-3′s were built solely as executive planes. This one was built for the president of United Airlines and later used by Governor Jimmy Carter. There were large, comfy chairs, burl wood cocktail tables, a sofa, and a long open bar. I thought: “Well here I am. I’ll just make the most of it.”

I ended up spending most of the time in the cockpit because I knew it would be identical to the one on the plane my mother and grandmother were on.

Their plane would have had two rows of seats on one side of the narrow aisle, and one row on the other. What a narrow, confined space it is! I understood for the first time how difficult that flight must have been for my claustrophobic mom. Taking off and landing several times along the route must have been miserable for her.

I could sense the essences of my mother and grandmother. I imagined tucking these essences into the blue pouch I brought with me. I had never used the pouch before. Now I know it was waiting for just the right time to be the guardian of something precious. I could feel my mother’s presence. We could laugh together, sharing memories.

I got up the courage to talk with her about her experience of the plane falling from the sky. I imagined her telling me her last thoughts before she died.

As I was sitting on the plane the shackles that had confined me for so many years fell away. I could feel myself rebalancing and realigning. I experienced the healing and liberation that had eluded me for so long.

Elayne and a DC-3

I guess you could say I’m becoming a DC-3 groupie! Jason Gore, a colleague and executive coach located another DC-3 for me to visit. He brought his camcorder and videotaped me as we sat on the plane. Thanks to Jason’s sensitive coaching I had a long talk with my mother that day. We were able to say things to each other that we could not say when she was alive and I was twelve years old.

I told her how her death influenced both Lee and me in the paths our lives have taken; how much I miss her and what I appreciate about her. She told me about her dreams for us and how proud she was of our successes. She assured me she would always be present in our lives, watching over us . . . and our children . . . and our grandchildren.

My visits to the DC-3s have been life changing. The best part is how this profound experience has been captured on video to share with others who are grieving.

My college roommate has reminded me over the years of my inability to grieve in those days. She thought it odd how I never talked about my mother dying in a plane crash. Recently we watched the DC-3 video together. Bette made a powerful observation: how much I’ve matured in my ability to grieve and how I have allowed my mother to mature as well. My mother and I were having an adult-to-adult conversation on the DC-3! And we could at long last develop understanding and compassion toward each other. 

Elayne following first DC-3 visit

Out of the Ashes — A Community of Survivors

Truth be told, each time I’ve told my story, I’ve fantasized someone will recognize the circumstances of the crash and contact me: "I knew someone who survived that crash" or "I know a family who lost someone on that plane."

And then it happened. The editor of the Mason City Globe Gazette interviewed Lee and me. One by one, members of the Swaledale community stepped forward to share their stories and to describe how deeply affected they are by memories of the day the DC-3 crashed in the cornfield. How neighbors volunteered for search and rescue to save the injured and protect the dead. How their farm tractors pulled ambulances through muddy fields. How they pulled down barn doors to use as stretchers.

I was stunned to learn how this community has been dealing with their own unresolved grief all these years. Just like us! Even the newspaper editor wrote, "Thank you for the opportunity to tell your story and to open another door in my life." He reflected how our reminiscences are a reminder that people heal at different speeds.

A few years ago, my brother Lee Raskin was in Iowa on business and was able to visit the farm where the plane crashed, accompanied by the daughter of the man who had owned the farm.

All these years we had been picturing the corn field where the plane crashed. What a surprise he had to discover due to rotation of crops, there were soybeans instead.

Sure wish I could have been there with him. I still have the bag of dirt he sent me from the field.

John Skipper former editor of the Globe Gazette wrote about Lee's powerful experience of closure: 'After 64 years, man finds closure in muddy Swaledale field where mom, grandma died in plane crash.' 

Passing Down Fears

For some of us it is a struggle to move on. And some of us pass our unresolved grief along to our children. I had developed massive fears that loved ones might die and I’d be left alone. And I was passing these fears along to my daughter.

One Mother’s Day brunch when Jocelyn was about twenty-one, we were recalling how she would sob uncontrollably whenever her dad or I were late picking her up from after-school care. She remembers how she agonized that we had died in an accident.

Jocelyn and I made an amazing discovery that day. She remembers outgrowing her fears about death when she was around nine years old. I‘d been working on my own abandonment fears in therapy for two years! I don’t think it’s a coincidence that once my anxiety abated, her fears lessened as well.

My fear of abandonment affected my daughter in another way: Sometimes I could feel myself holding back from showing all my love for her. I guess I felt if I showed too much love I might lose her, just as I had lost my mother and grandmother.

More recently, when my grand daughter was eight and she was babysitting me, we were eating pizza and watching the Anastasia animated film. This is the story of the daughter of Russia’s last czar, becoming separated from her family during the Russian Revolution. When Anastasia finally reunites with her grandmother, I was surprised to see her begin to cry for her mother.

She had seen this movie many times but never before sitting next to her own grandmother.

Could our fears have transferred from me to Jocelyn and now to my grand daughter as well?

Overcoming Fears

 Now I'm the grandmother, Jocelyn is the mother and Cora is the child.

I’ve been working hard to create in my life what I lost in that Iowa cornfield. I’ve been trying to do for my family what my father could not do for his—searching for ways to address our fears and overcome them together.

Because we live miles apart, for many years we had a ritual of “The Three-Girl-Photos.” It became very important to me that we would take a photo of the three of us when we are together. After all, we are the surviving women of my mother's family now!

We can fly — even soar. And carry our dreams into the world.

©  Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne's story about recovering from childhood grief appears in Elizabeth Wagele's newest book: The Enneagram of Death – Helpful Insights by the 9 Types of People on Grief, Fear and Death

or on Amazon: http://amzn.to/QLyeFk

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include as much of the following information as possible:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication and relationship coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room-Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

 

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Note: The COMMENTS included below are a compilation from the 4-part serialization of 'There Is To Be No Grieving' published previously.

 

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
February, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
2. 'The Other Plane Crash'
3. Making Losses Real
4. My Secret Hope Comes True
5. The Community Pitches In
6. Really Great Detective Work
7. A Reunion of Survivors
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
By Elayne Savage, PhD

The community of Swaledale, Iowa is joining my brother and me in grieving a plane crash that happened 55 years ago. With compassion and understanding they are inviting us to experience a kind of kinship through communal grieving. It feels like an acceptance of us.

These many years Lee and I have been searching for information about the plane crash that killed our mother and grandmother. And now we have some answers.

This coming together of community started three weeks ago when my brother, Lee Raskin, wrote a short piece memorializing the 50th Anniversary of the deaths of Buddy Holly, J.P. (The Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens. They died when their single-engine Beech-Bonanza crashed into an Iowa cornfield during a snow storm.

You're probably familiar with 'The Day the Music Died,' Don McLean's song about the loss of these musicians. And you may remember the line "So bye bye Miss American Pie . . ." But do you know that 'American Pie' is the nickname the locals bestowed on the red and white Bonanza?

'The Other Plane Crash'
With each mention of that crash we're reminded our mother and grandmother died five years earlier in a cornfield just a few miles away.

Their Braniff DC-3 was forced down during a violent rainstorm, as they approached the Mason City, Iowa airport. Not every one died. Seven people survived, including the flight hostess.

Lee and I just learned that Elwin Musser, the Mason City Globe Gazette photographer, took the photos of both plane disasters. We also learned that he is still living in Mason City and that there are unpublished photos of the crash. We'd like to see them.

So Lee emailed John Skipper, editor of the Globe Gazette, trying to make direct contact with Mr. Musser. Lee included his 50th Anniversary tribute where he describes 'the other plane crash.'

Lee writes, "Coincidentally, it was the second notable air crash within five years that occurred near the farming town of Mason City, Iowa.  On August 22, 1954, a Braniff Air DC-3 crashed while approaching the Mason City Airport during a violent thunder and hail storm.

"In that DC-3 air disaster, twelve of nineteen on board were killed. The majority of those killed were sitting on the same side of the plane that cart-wheeled into a corn field. Among the dead were Sarah Wolfson and her daughter, Goldie Raskin, of Omaha, Nebraska, who were on their way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.

"Today, 50 years later...We commemorate Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper's musical achievements , . . I also took a moment to recall my mom, Goldie Raskin and grandmom, Sarah Wolfson . . ."

The editor, John Skipper, immediately responded. He describes how the area has been visited by celebrities the last week to memorialize 'The Day the Music Died.' He feels the real story here is about ordinary people like Lee and I who are also survivors.

And he wrote a sensitive, touching feature story about Lee, me and the DC-3. "A snapshot into the lives of two people directly affected by the crash."

http://tinyurl.com/aa7r8u

Many of you have heard my stories about the plane crash in my books and speaking programs. I reflect on the sudden loss of these two important women and the impact of that abandonment on my life.

Making Losses Real
We were not allowed to grieve in our family. We did not attend the funeral. We could not speak of my mother. My dad removed all photos of her from our house. And he sold his business and took a job traveling, so we lost him much of the time as well. Another abandonment.
Some of my perceptions of those days are chronicled in 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_mothersplane.htm

and in 'Who's Protected in Holding Back Painful Photos?'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_photos.htm
(By the way, this piece is relevant in current news about allowing photos of the arriving military caskets.)

My family's inept response made the loss surreal. And it stayed that way. A couple of years ago someone reminded me in order to grieve a loss it has to be made real. Then we can move on. I knew I had to find a way to make the loss real. Then it came to me: I could visit a DC-3. I found one in LA and made a 'pilgrimage' in March, 2007. It was a moving and life-changing experience for me.
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

Just recently, my professional speaker colleague, Jason Gore, who pilots a small plane discovered a local DC-3. He arranged a visit and brought along his camcorder to capture my experience in a series of interviews.

And in the mysterious ways of the Universe, this latest pilgrimage happened to take place only three days before my brother contacted the Mason City newspaper editor.

My Secret Hope Comes True
Truth be told, each time I go public with my story, I've secretly hoped someone would recognize the circumstance and contact me. I would fantasize them saying: "I knew someone who survived that crash" or I know a family who lost someone on that plane" or "I grew up on a nearby farm and witnessed the crash." 

Well, it finally happened. When the Globe Gazette article appeared, witnesses stepped forward.

I pinch myself as each day brings new contact with someone wanting to share their impressions with us.

People from the Swaledale farming community have never forgotten that August 22 day. They are still deeply affected. They often think of the scene. Vivid memories stay with each of them. Sometimes nightmares.

The Community Pitches In
We are so grateful to hear their stories about how the Swaledale community pitched in to help with the injured and to protect the dead until the officials got organized. They tell us how neighbors volunteered for search and rescue until ambulances could get through the mud, torrential rain, tall corn. They used their tractors to remove gawkers' cars from blocking the road so the rescue vehicles could get through. They used barn doors as stretchers.

We were mesmerized by Karen's stories about how her neighbors worked together to help out. Karen was about my age at the time the plane crashed on her family's farm. We were moved by Larry's account of how he helped his Dad with the search and rescue. He, too, was 12 years old. We learned more details about those who died and those who survived from Karen's brother Keith who also participated in search and rescue. He was 15 years old.

I'm fascinated to learn that two of the residents who contacted us were my age at the time – 12 years old. How fast we all grew up that day. How our lives changed when we were all made aware of how fragile a human life is. 

Really Great Detective Work
Reading the articles, Lee and I noticed some of the listed survivors were in their twenties at the time of the crash. Is it possible they might be alive today? Could we find them?

We decided to try to locate the flight hostess and the passenger whose life she saved by dragging her across muddy fields, over fences and to the road. She flagged down a truck and the owner of the farm drove them both to the hospital.

Lee is a fantastic investigator. He was able to trace both women and determine their married names. When the trails got cold I helped out a bit and came up with current addresses.

We located both of them and made contact!

Can you imagine what it is like for us to talk to these women? And how wonderful it feels to pave the way for them to reconnect with each other after all these years?

Can you picture how joyful it is to join with the Swaledale community in this reunion of grief? Fifty-five years later. The word that comes to my mind is 'rejuvenating.'          

For 55 years Lee and I have lived with this unhealed wound. Every year we dread the arrival of August 22 because of the memories it brings. We've existed in our narrow little world of memories. Feeling 'different' from our school friends, rarely talking about our past. It was always awkward to try to explain that our mother died in a plane crash. People just don't know how to respond.  So we said nothing.

We were stunned to hear that our own experience is shared by the Swaledale community. Now we understand how the crash which changed our lives forever has affected others as well.

A Reunion of Survivors
Knowing we are part of this reunion of survivors is an incredible experience. Now that we have discovered one another, we are able to be a small comfort for each other. Even the newspaper editor wrote me about the personal affect our story has on him. "Thank you for the opportunity to tell your story and to open another door in my life." He reflects how my article, 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing' is a reminder that not everyone can move on as easily as others.

When he published this 'snapshot' of us did he have any idea what a huge door he was opening for all of us survivors to come together as community?

This story is taking on a life of it's own. It is becoming a journey of strength and gratitude and renewed hope.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

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A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

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speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
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http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

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Pilgrimage to a DC-3 - The Voices of My Ancestors Whisper to My Granddaughter

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

What a moving experience it was holding my new granddaughter in my arms. Whenever she'd open those big eyes it seemed she was connecting with my soul. And I was connecting to hers as well.

 

As I looked into her eyes, I was looking into the past, present and future at the same time. I was recognizing the importance of this newest female member of my linage.

 

POOF. THEY WERE GONE

I'm trying to put words to how much it means to me that this baby is a girl. Her arrival in the world symbolizes the nextgeneration of female lineage. A continuation of a broken line of women.

 

The women of the two generations before me, my mother and grandmother, were wiped out in an instant in a plane crash.They were aboard a Braniff DC-3 that crashed into a corn field near Mason City, Iowa over  50 years ago.

 

Poof. They were both gone.

 

Two generations of female role models. Two generations of nurturing. Two generations of support. And two generations of family storytelling.

 

I missed out on being able to sit at their feet and hear their stories. Stories about the Cossack soldiers ravaging their village. 

Stories about what it was like to travel through China by rickshaw. Stories about being quarantined on Angel Island for 3 months. 

Stories about building a new life in Omaha. Stories about their experiences in raising children.

 

Over the years there have been many questions unformed and many questions unanswered. Yes, I have missed all of those untold stories.

 

GRIEF WRAPPED IN SILENCE

 

The aftermath of that plane crash was handled badly by my family. This very public loss caused a city to mourn, yet my brother Lee and I were not allowed to grieve either publicly or privately.

 

Everything was wrapped in silence. The newspaper articles and crash scene pictures were hidden from us. We didn't attend the funeral. We weren't allowed to ask questions or even to talk about my mother.

 

My Dad removed all photos of her from the house. We thought he'd thrown them out, but after he died my brother found the albums tucked away in the back of the highest shelf of Dad's closet. He'd moved with them 4 times, yet we never knew they existed. It's nice to have them back.

 

Lee and I were able to do some grieving five years later when another plane crash into a corn field made headlines. Buddy Holly, J.P. (Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens were killed. The crashes were only a few miles apart outside of Mason City, Iowa.

Yes, I've worked on these losses for many years in therapy. Yet there always seemed to be something missing.

 

A few years ago something fortuitous happened. After presenting a one-day training program several miles from my home, I decided to stay the night at a local Bed and Breakfast. Intuitively I told the
B&B owner the story of the plane crash. It turns out he is a grief counselor!

 

He presented me with the missing piece: "to grieve a loss and move on, we need to make the loss real."

 

Yes, of course. That's what was missing. The deaths of my
mother and grandmother were never made real. 

 

MAKING GRIEF REAL

One day I woke up knowing what to do. I must visit a DC-3.

 

For several years I fantasized about locating and visiting a DC-3. One I could visit without other people around. I wanted some time to myself on the plane.

 

(Telling the richly detailed story of the DC-3 has become part of my professional speaking programs. Some of you may have been in my audience and heard this story before. I'm including a few selective descriptions of my pilgrimage. I've chosen these because they are related to carrying on the female legacy which
Miss Cora symbolizes for me.)

 

Early last year I gathered the courage to track down a restored DC-3.  Making the actual arrangements to visit the plane came about from a confluence of many happenings.

 

Lots of serendipity is involved - a chance conversation with a fellow professional speaker who is a pilot, the support of my boyfriend, Burt, who encouraged me to follow through with the phone call that eventually led to making the appointment to visit the plane.

 

Matt, the Operations Manager at the Santa Monica airport pointed me to a restored plane at the Van Nuys Airport. It is the private plane of a major Southern California Aviation figure, Clay Lacy.

 

I took a deep breath and called. The receptionist told me "Oh no you can't visit this plane. This is Mr. Lacy's private plane." 

 

I took another deep breath. I wasn't going to be deterred. I persisted, told my story and asked to speak to a decision maker. Mr. Lacy's personal assistant called back the next day: "Mr. Lacy would be pleased to have you visit his plane!"

 

Burt went with me as witness. We were escorted from the office to the plane which was on the tarmac. (But my experience of the plane is another story.)

 

By way of preparing for this pilgrimage I contacted a few friends and a listserve of therapist colleagues asking for support and suggestions of rituals I might do on the plane.

 

It was a big step for me to reach out publicly. I'm glad I did. I felt I was being cradled in the strong and comforting arms of a caring community. 

 

My time on the plane was an amazing event.

 

And learning this particular DC-3 had been Jimmy Carter’s plane when he was the Governor of Georgia made it even more special. It even seemed is energy was present!

 

I was able to stay present though, and to experience the moments on a cellular, energetic level.

 

I was able to imagine my mother and grandmother beside me on the plane. I could imagine talking with them, especially with my mother.

 

I could feel myself reconnecting with her in a new way.

I could ask questions and receive answers.

I could laugh again with my mother, sharing some memories.

I could also tell her about my life, my disappointments and
my successes.

I could 'introduce' her to Cora, her grand daughter.

 

One of the reasons I wanted to visit a DC-3 was to be able to release the shackles that have constrained me for so many years. When I was sitting on the plane I could feel the chains falling away. I could feel myself re-balancing and realigning.

 

I was able to achieve the healing and liberation I've missed out on for so many years.

 

A couple of years ago someone made me a beautiful blue felt pouch, decorated with lace and leather and shells.

 

I'd never used the pouch because it was so lovely, so special.  As I contemplated my pilgrimage, I realized this pouch was waiting for just the right time to be the guardian of something very precious.

 

I put into the pouch photos of my mother and grandmother.
Photos of myself and my brother Lee as we grew up.
Photos of my daughter Jocelyn.

 

Then I imagined putting the essence of my mother and grandmother
into the pouch, and I carried their spirits onto the plane with me.

 

In retrospect I believe the conversations, phone calls and
arrangements for the pilgrimage came to pass because I had just
learned my daughter was expecting a baby. 

 

"THERE ARE ALL YOUR ANCESTORS RESTING SNUGLY IN YOUR DNA . . ."

One of the therapists who responded to my request sent me this
quote which I also put into the blue pouch to carry with me on the
DC-3. 

 

I re-read the words on that piece of paper many times in the hour I
spent on the plane:

 

"But when we take the time to really give thanks to our ancestors,
we place them in their proper context, granting them neither more
nor less than their due.

We are able to use the lessons they have taught us - even
if by negative example - and move beyond their legacy to
claim our rightful place in the world.

 

Dawna Markova says, "Look in the palm of your hand. Thich Nhat Hanh would say that if you look deeply enough, you'll never be lonely. Each cell of your hand is made from genetic material passed on to you from your mother and father. Whether you adored or despised them, there they are in the palm of your hand. If you look a little deeper, you'll see your grandfathers and grandmothers.

 

Deeper still, and there are all your ancestors resting snugly in your DNA . . .

Can you hear them whispering in your ear,
'Maybe this is the one who will carry our dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our dreams
    into the world.'"
               -- From Attitudes of Gratitude by Mary Jane Ryan

 

BABY CORA AND THE DC-3

Just after Cora was born, I corresponded with my cousin Dr. Steve Raskin. Intuitively I decided to send him the
above quote about DNA. Steve emailed back with this "little biology lesson." He reminded me that there are two kinds of DNA in cells. One is  "nuclear DNA which exists in chromosomes and are subject to recombination over the generations, resulting in the complexity of human variation.

 

But there is some other DNA in the cell known as "mitochondrial" DNA that exists in the cytoplasm
OUTSIDE the cell nucleus. The mitochondria are passed completely from mother to daughter and that DNA
does not take part in any recombination. 

 

You are the bearer of your mother's and her mother's mitochondria (and mitochondrial DNA), just as Jocelyn
and - now - Cora are also. You might get a good feeling knowing that tiny little pieces of your mother are part
of your granddaughter."

 

So in this communication with a cousin I haven't seen in over 30 years, I came to realize why holding this little
girl was such a spiritual experience for me. Cora is more connected to my mother and my grandmother than I ever realized. 

 

Had I known this baby was to be a girl at the time I made the pilgrimage, my experience on the plane would
have been even more powerful.

For too many years I let 
the accident define me.

I was frozen in the drama of 
the 12-year-old child.

 

On the plane I was able to visualize the chains falling away. I was able to see my experience as the ending of something and the beginning of something else.

 

I began to understand that I don't have to be a hurt, scared child any longer. I recognize that my inherited
potential is unimpeded by the tragedies of the past.

I CAN fly - even soar!

 

Now I'm the grandmother, Jocelyn is the mother and baby Cora is the child. 

 

I can hear the ancestors whispering in my ear and in Jocelyn's ear and in Cora's ear:    
 

"Maybe this is the one who will carry our
    dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our
    dreams into the world"

 

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
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when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

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