Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Bullying and Disrespect: the Supreme Court Hearings and on the Oscars Stage

by Elayne Savage, PhD

         ©Can Stock Photo / gina_sanders

 

When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

And that feeling sure took over during the last few days watching the confirmation hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson and watching Chris Rock tease and make a joke at Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense with husband Will Smith defending her honor and feelings and bullying back by slapping him across the face!  

Bullying is the intentional use of power over
another person to humiliate that person or make
them feel rejected and ‘less than.’

These are some common bully behaviors:

Accusing

Arrogant

Insulting

Coercive

Discrediting

Discounting

Demeaning

Slighting

Belittling

Mocking

Criticizing

Baiting

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Condescending

Interrupting

Shaming

Smearing

Spreading rumors

‪Excluding

Offending

Scorning

Contemptuous

Name-calling

Teasing

Sarcasm

Taunting

Verbal battering

Picking fights

Assaulting, ‪shoving

Taking cheap shots

The “can’t you take a joke” variety – at someone’s expense.

 

These kinds of behaviors can feel hurtful and rejecting even when they are not malicious.

 

Can you add to the list through your observations or personal experiences?

There were a wide variety of these bullying behaviors at the Judge Jackson's Senate Judiciary hearings. I was stunned at the barrage of disrespect, bigotry and hostility directed at Judge Jackson. It actually seemed to me as if some of the Senators might be feeling threatened by the fact that she is a brilliant, educated, accomplished Black woman.

Then just a few days later we saw the teasing ‘can’t you take a joke’ variety of bullying by Chris Rock and the boundary-less defensive reaction by Will Smith that it caused at the Oscars ceremony.

With the onslaught of all these bullying happenings, no wonder I was having a PTSD-like experience.

 

A Major Truth About Bullies

The Judicial Committee Senators behavior illustrates a major truth about most bullies:

The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him or herself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable.

So to feel better about themselves they take a 'tough' stance and puff themselves up by trying to diminish the other person.

Another thing: bullies need an audience.

And some bullies lack empathy. Because they seem not to have a conscience they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.

The discomfort I was feeling about the Judge Jackson confirmation hearing was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, and the constant rude interrupting of the candidate’s answers. 

However I think for me the most unsettling aspects of the questioning was the undercurrent of hateful anger and the obvious grandstanding at the expense of Judge Jackson in order to enhance the Senators visibility and to positively influence future office-seeking. 

 

It Starts in the Sandbox



I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:  

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it 
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another.

The 
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do?  
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend 
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”



Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, 
belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

But rejection 
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in 
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect 
which we perceive as rejection.


 

Bullied Much of My Life

 You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces  — and I was an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.

One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to these recent bullying instances was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears associated with them. Memories of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me, or spit at me.

Yes, spit. That's what my next door neighbors did –

They spit across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. as they called us ‘Dirty Jews.” And their teenage son Johnny used to block me with his bike in the alley and threaten to beat me up.

How sad and confusing for me at 7 years old – I really liked Marian, the little girl who lived in that house next door. We would spend hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to popular songs.

And Marian taught me the words to

"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 My bambino kook-a la goombah 
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 my bambino go to sleep!" 

This lullaby still lives in my head.

And I’ll always remember the day Marian and I took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.

Sadly these pleasant experiences became a little more tarnished each time her parents spit at me or my family, acting like they hated us.

Even in college I was bullied when a sorority sister repeatedly ‘cobwebbed’ my lower bunk bed by tightly stretching thread from post to post so on the dark sleeping porch when I climbed into bed, the thread would cut my skin.

I’ve done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.

After the show the cameraman came up to me and asked if I was OK and tried to reassure me I did fine in spite of the bullying.

 I don’t get bullied so much any more or at least the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful even when unintentional.

 

Different Degrees of Resilience

Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves:

- Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice

- Misunderstanding what someone says or means

- Getting on each others nerves

- Overreacting to perceived slights

- Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally

 

Let’s face it; some of us are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.

The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.

It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed and this could have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about the safety of our world and our ability to trust the people in it.

 

Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries

Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have a much of a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like.

If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?

If you are unable to notice and recognize your own inappropriate behavior, how can you choose to change it?

For most of us on the receiving end, bullying is disrespectful and rejecting behavior.

 

Here’s a reprint of my Diss List

 

I would love to have a dialogue with you about all of this . . .

Regarding the Chris Rock/Will Smith debacle: there have been several angles for reflection on the backstories. I know from my work as a social worker and psychotherapist there are some points worth considering in this piece from the Harvard Gazette: Wait — what if Will Smith was just being a man?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Big-time Influence of Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD   © Can Stock Photo / arloo     Lately it seems just about every coaching client and therapy client and couple and family I’ve been seeing wants to talk about challenges that seem to reflect what appears to be some form of personal boundaries.    Not exactly sure why so many of the different aspects of boundaries are front and center right now but seems to be on everyone’s mind.   So I’m thinking maybe a refresher course in boundaries would be useful here.   Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others.    Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize and respect how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others.   And having good personal boundaries means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.     Personal Boundaries are About Respect   I believe this is the most important to understand: Boundaries are about respecting your own space and the space of others.  This includes honoring each other’s differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy. We each grew up in different families with different rules, roles and ways of being, often including different cultural influences.   Psychologists John and Linda Friel offer some good descriptions of seven categories of personal boundaries. I’ve used their descriptions as a foundation and added some of my own impressions.   Physical boundaries means other people respect your physical space. These boundaries are violated when someone goes into your room, uses your stuff without asking, or reads your diary. They’re also violated when someone touches, or tickles you when you don’t want him or her to, or pushes or hits you.   Intellectual boundaries means others respect your ideas or thoughts. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”   Emotional boundaries involve respect for your feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, or psychologically abuses you by criticizing, belittling, or shaming.   Social boundaries mean a respect for your choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes where you go or who you choose to be with, for example, “Why on earth would you want to go out with her?” or “Why would you want to see that movie?”   Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy and choosing who can touch you, where, and how they can touch you. In other words, respectful boundaries means no one can touch you without your permission. Some sexual boundary transgressions such as stranger or acquaintance rape are obvious, but others, such as staring, and leering can be confusing because they are not so obvious.   Money boundaries involve how you earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. There’s no question that different attitudes about money can cause relationship problems, especially if you don’t respect the other person’s style.    I grew up in a culture where folks would often ask “How much did you pay for that?”   Ethical boundaries  And of course in today’s political climate we are very aware of how principles guiding decision-making and professional integrity seem to be getting trounced daily in politics   Time boundaries hold special interest for me because I have struggled so many years with these. This means having respect for your own and others’ ways of dealing with time frames for getting things done.    Some of us are on time or even early for meetings or getting projects done. Others of us are “under the wire” people and thrive on the excitement of deadlines.    For years my nickname is “under the wire Elayne” and my usual 5 minutes late really causes problems when I’m meeting someone who is usually 10 minutes early!   My lateness is easily mistaken for a personal affront and perceived as disrespectful. In my typical ADHD way I’d try to squeeze in too many tasks or errands before meeting someone.    And I finally figured out I was choosing to be later than the person I was supposed to meet. Why? Because waiting for someone made me anxious. I would worry that they forgot, or stood me up, or some other form of rejection. Better they should wait for me, even though it meant they might get annoyed at my lateness.     Growing Up Boundary-less   When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.   I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.   Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family.   Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning. Others expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.   For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.   Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.    Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.   In some of our families there may have been strict rules, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.     Privacy vs. Intrusiveness in the Workplace   A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’ I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.   For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors.    Can you can see how there might be privacy issues here where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?   I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.   Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.     Appropriateness in the Workplace    For over 35 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries in the workplace. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate flirting or teasing or touching can easily lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct.   Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.   And of course this disrespect too often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person experiencing boundary-less behavior.     More about boundaries in several blogs if you look up personal boundaries in the archives on my blog site: TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   © Elayne Savage, PhD     Until next month,  Elayne     Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

"You Never Listen to Me!"

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / nasir

Sound familiar? How many times do you hear this from a partner, family member, friend or coworker?

 

 

 

How many times have you heard yourself say, “You’re not listening to me!”

 

 

 

Is it any wonder the most common response by couples or family members or workplace clients to my intake form question “Why did you decide to come into therapy/consultation now” is one word or two: 
 

“Communication” or “Communication Problem.”

 

 

Feeling Listened to, Heard and Understood

 

Most of us want to feel listened to and heard and understood

 

 

 

When we feel acknowledged in this way we feel validated and respected. And connected.

 

 

 

If, instead, we feel ignored, it’s so easy to translate this into feeling dissed: disdained and dismissed and discounted and disapproved of. Each of these feelings is a form of rejection ... and we find ourselves taking it personally.  

 

 

 

Respect of course is the opposite of all those ‘diss’ words and is a frequent focus of my blogs and my therapy/consulting/coaching work.

 

 

It always seemed the adults in my early life (family, teachers, coaches) were repeatedly saying:

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

“In one ear and out the other!”

“Don’t you ever listen?”

 

 

And in fact it turns out I apparently did indeed have impaired hearing which wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s.

 

 

 

And I was usually not paying very good attention to what was being said or expected of me. 

 

 

 

Oh. Now I understand why: A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD which totally explains my childhood distraction and wandering attention.

 

 

 

Wow. Too bad the grownups didn’t understand that my ADHD brain was different from their brain. Instead, because they didn’t understand me they didn’t show respect. Instead, their energy went into shaming me in those early years.

 

 

 

You can imagine the effect all this had on my self-respect.

 

 

 

By the way, it is with couples or co-workers where one has some ADHD attributes that I most often hear the "You never listen to me!" complaint.

 

 

In the Spirit of Teamwork

 

So along with highlighting the importance of respect, let’s talk about the need for clear communication and teamwork in both personal and workplace relationships.

 

 

 

I wrote Breathing Room for folks who are in a couples relationship or who want to be.

 

 

I suggest creating goals of: 
 
- giving and accepting respect

- the ability to trust

- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability

- the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together.
 

 

 

These ideas are not just for couples. I use the same suggestions when I consult in the workplace.

 

 

Respectful direct communication and feeling listened to, heard and understood are the keys to successful teamwork.

 

 

Sixteen years ago I wrote  Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples: 

 

 

“This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve  conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."
 

 

 

In my work with couples and with professional colleagues, I encourage them to use our sessions to work together to  come up with some creative ideas for getting things done. 

 

 

 

We take a look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:

 - What does teamwork mean to each one? 

 

- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 

 - What are their goals? Individual and together?

 - What are their expected outcomes? 

 - What are their challenges? 

 - How can they work together effectively?

- What situations work best? 

- What might get in their way?
 
- Are they communicating clearly? 

 

 

We look for a way or two or three that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors. Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share household or parenting decisions or functions.
 
 

 

This is about looking for ways of enhancing what is already there.

 

Can they recognize each other's strong points? 

 

Can they value and respecting each other? 

 

Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good   teamwork?  

 

 

 

Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships 
and The Key Ingredient Here is RESPECT

 

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships and are transferable: 

 



 

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

 

 

 

I believe that we can say some very direct and difficult things as long as we do it respectfully. This means without snark or attitude or put-downs or ‘looks’ or tones of voice.

 

 

 

Sometimes it is difficult to  respect and accept someone's  style of thinking and doing things when it's different from your own. We have to remind ourselves that maybe we each  have ‘different brains.’
 
 

 

And keep reminding ourselves that we each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations.

 

 

 

These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally. 

 

 

 

And respectful ways or disrespectful ways are passed down as well.

 

 

APPRECIATION is Important Too


Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. If only we could notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection.

 

 

 

I’m a huge believer in validation messages from doing ‘acts of caring.’

 

 

 

And Effective Respectful Communication
 
- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
 
- Respectful Questioning
 
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate



- Clear, unambiguous communication

 
 

 

And again, the bottom line is: We all want to be listened to and heard and understood –– and connected.
 

 

But What If We Had Poor Communication Models?

 

The problem is many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models:

 

Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another.

 

Maybe things just didn't get said, or only hinted at and you were supposed to guess. 

 

Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

 

 

 

And then there is the surreal, confusing experience of being the object of gaslighting by the other person, being told you are  imagining something.

 

 

 

Some families even have a generational history of this kind of behavior: denying and disputing someone else’s experience.

 

 

 

I’ve blogged about gaslighting over many years. Here’s one of them:

I Really Hate Being Lied To!

 

 

 

Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and  directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

 
 

 

 

And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words, so we played guessing games about meaning.
 
 

 

 

We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to clarify intent and meaning. 

 

 

I teach a simple 3-step way to initiate clarification:
 
“This is what I heard you say ---------------------.

Is it what you said?

Is it what you meant?”
 
 

 

This actually gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear.

 

 

 

I see respectfully clarifying meaning as the best relationship tool available.

 

 

Miscommunication leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking something personally – and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection.


 

 

How to Get What You Need  
 

 

And when it's time to negotiate agreements, here are some tips:

 
- Be respectfully direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true: If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.'

 
- Be respectfully direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it.  

- Be respectfully direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!

 

 

Learning to be respectfully direct gives you a pathway to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there. 

 

 

 

Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a bunch  of practice.  

 

 

 

I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork.



 

 

And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships. 
 

 

 

Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able 
to contribute some of my ideas.
 
 

 

 

And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can take a breather and that either person can suggest calling a ‘time out.’

 

 

 

Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).
 

But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.

 

 

And even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving.

 

 

And it can feel like disrespect.
 

© Elayne Savage PhD
 

Would love to hear from you if you have some good communication or teamwork tips or 'listening' stories.

 

Until next month,

Elayne
 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Wearing Victimhood As a Badge of Honor

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

 

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

 

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

 

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

 

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

 

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

 

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

 

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

 

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"


Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

 

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  


 

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  


 

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  


 

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 


These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

 

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

 

Taking  Bullying Personally

 

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

 

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

 

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

 

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

 

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

 

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

 

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

 

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

 

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

 

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

 

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

 

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

 

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

 

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

 

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

 

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

 

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

 

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

 

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

You're a Grand Old Flag – What Happened?

By Elayne Savage, PhD     While watching a documentary the other day I heard a song I grew up with that always made me so happy. Sometimes I would sing and even march along to it.     I have such fond memories of A Grand Old Flag and I just love hearing The Singing Senators rendition from 1996 on YouTube.  They were Sen.Trent Lott (R-Mississippi) – Bass, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) – Lead Vocals, Sen. John Ashcroft (R-Missouri) – Baritone,   Sen. Jim Jeffords (R-Vermont)- Tenor,   And guess what – Listening to them sing got me standing up and singing and marching along!   You can find it at 0.45 right after This is My Country. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OaS9Goj4Rzs   You're a grand old flag, You're a high flying flag And forever in peace may you wave. You're the emblem of The land I love. The home of the free and the brave. Every heart beats true 'Neath the Red, White and Blue, Where there's never a boast or brag. Should old acquaintance be forgot, Keep your eye on the grand old flag   And then I got really sad.   Sad for what seems like the demise of the country that I used to feel so proud was my country:    “The Greatest on earth.” “The emblem of the land I love.”  “The home of the free and the brave.” “Where there’s never a boast or brag.” (Imagine! Boast and Brag free!) What happened to the land I love? What happened to our grand old flag forever waving in peace? Where did the ‘forever in peace’ go?   Well, yes, I guess I am pretty patriotic.   I’m a Washingtonian. I grew up with and respected so many symbols of our government.   Watching the Capitol being abused on 1/6 was really difficult for me. It felt personal.    It sickens me to see videos of how the metal flagpoles from our Grand Old Flag became weapons of hate and destruction against those brave men/women who were trying to protect the Capitol Building and our Democracy.   And it is staggering to me that it feels everything honorable that these symbols stand for are being dishonored by so much contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming.   Honestly, what scares me the most are the attempts at voter suppression in some of the states.  Joyce Vance, previously a U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Alabama and presently a law professor at the University of Alabama decries “claims of victory via voter suppression in Georgia and Wisconsin (and) Ohio’s new law . . . one of the country’s strictest voter identification laws. Before it was passed, voters could use a wide variety of items to establish their identity at the polls, including bank statements and utility bills. Under the new measure, they have to have a driver’s license, state ID, passport, or military ID to cast a vote. Notably, college and university IDs didn’t make the cut. (And) concern that” the free veteran ID cards issued by Ohio counties would no longer count as a valid form of ID for voting.   “There are concerns the ability to vote for as many as 1 million Ohioans could be impacted by the new law because they have suspended driver’s licenses due to a lack of insurance or unpaid fines and court costs. The report concluded that suspensions disproportionately impact impoverished urban communities of color.   “The rationale for the bill was to improve public confidence in elections because of voter fraud. But even Ohio’s Republican Secretary of State, Frank LaRose, who supported the measure, has repeatedly said the state’s elections are fair and untarnished by fraud. He acknowledged that the possible fraud in the 2020 Ohio General Election was 0.0005%.   “Understanding the outrageous measures like the Ohio law that create a fundamentally unfair playing field is enough to offend the sensibilities of most Americans.”   “Voting rights lawyer Marc Elias filed a lawsuit challenging the statute."   https://open.substack.com/pub/joycevance/p/dont-look-up?r=192n8&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email   Blaming and Shaming and Taking Things Personally. Oh My.   And you are most likely pretty aware of the daily reports of contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming that I mentioned above.   I‘m hoping that somehow we can find our way back to the days of the grand old flag. At least to some modicum of integrity and respect. Please.   I would really love to hear your thoughts on all of these goings-on.   What feelings and concerns do you have?   Are you as troubled about trusting and feeling safe and secure as I am?   What can we do about this mess?   Oh, and by the way, I heard the Singing Senators YouTube video when I was watching Blake Zeff’s ‘Loan Wolves’ documentary investigating how Student Debt is prohibited from being discharged by filing for bankruptcy,     On Peacock and MSNBC YouTube Trailer:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL7SCY7gC1M   © Elayne Savage. PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I really hate being lied to and I’m having a huge reaction to the blatant lying that’s going on politically.

 

I feel my stomach knotting up as I recall my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. 

 

Congressman-elect George Santos’ recently exposed lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.  

 

I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts. 

 

I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they have felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted. 

 

Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer. And some of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things, seeing the dismissal as a rejection and taking it personally.

 

And all too often all these years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

And I hated it when I told “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying! 

 

How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated! 

 

I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.

 

I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — to me it looked as good as store-bought. 

 

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.” 

 

I was stupefied. And then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her. 

If our impressions are invalidated and discounted, we learn to discount ourselves as well. And we begin to reject ourselves. 

 

It’s Like Traveling Through the Looking Glass and Falling Down the Rabbit Hole 

Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”

I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own observations and senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”

When I was able to put words to it, I realized our conversations were often a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention. 

There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define. 

It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. 

 

The Cheshire Cat nailed it: “We’re all crazy here.” 

 

And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience  –  complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts. And gaslighting. 

“You’re imagining it!”

“You didn’t hear me say that.”

“You must have misunderstood.”

“No, that’s not what you saw!”

“It’s all in your head.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

 

So, What Exactly is Gaslighting?

When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.

 

 

The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane. 

 

Gaslighting has become a popular term as described by Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include:

"saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth"

 

Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on. 

 

Todays popular term “gaslighting” has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.

 

What If Someone Believes Their Own Lies? 

Does repeating a lie make it appear true?

And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy? 

And what if when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.

 

Permission to Act Badly

How do folks think they can get away with this this kind of blatant lying? The answer is we watch toxic behavior of others and we copy it. It’s like they are giving us permission to act that way. Lying is a good example. 

 

Over the years I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from our political leaders into our workplace and personal lives.

 

Catching the Disrespect Virus

Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, and deflections. 

 

And there seems to be an inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

 

I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. 

 

I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. 

 

I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. 

 

As if someone said it’s OK. And by their actions and words they did sort of give permission. 

 

Could it be that many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? 

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by our former president, the person who used to hold highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in Congress.   Ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.

 

For many of us seeing these behaviors brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. 

 

For many of us it brings up old feelings of rejection. 

 

And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

 

Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads, and Covid.

 

My workplace and psychotherapy clients are experiencing effects of this and to be honest, it's really getting to me too. 

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. 

 

It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out. 

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of politicians, this is isomorphism. 

 

And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Politics have become so full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations I finding myself checking things out regularly with the AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck

Or with Politifact.com at

https://www.politifact.com

 

Interestingly, R.D. Laing's article on Mystification begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

 

I really don't like being fooled.

 

Now in this New Year, I’m hoping to hear more sincerity, honesty truth, and the ability to say, ”I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”

 

More about R.D.Laing’s work:

R.D. Laing: Mystification, Confusion and Conflict

http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm

More on Lying: When Does Lying Become Compulsive or Pathological?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/deliberately-untruthful-normal-vs-abnormal-lying

 

Sending you Warm Wishes for a Happy New Year!

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

John Fetterman and Me and Auditory Processing Challenges

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / radiantskies

 

I was reading up on auditory processing disorder while I was working with a client who needed closed captioning and transcribing accommodations in her college classes.   OMG -- I found myself reading about ME!    These APD articles totally helped me identify and understand my own limited ability to process verbal information.    It always seemed like there was a space between hearing the words and my brain actually being able to process the words I had just heard. I often found that words were running together and garbled – especially if the person was talking fast.  And I was always de-coding.   Before this discovery, I had learned from my neuropsychologist that tests showed I had ADHD (you may have seen my recent blog about this: New Kid On the Block – Intention Deficit Disorder.)   We figure I’ve been dealing with both the ADHD and Auditory Processing for much of my life along with my hearing impairment.   My audiologist says that most folks with hearing loss also have some difficulty with auditory processing and that it tends to show up even more as we age.   And yet, I think I’ve been functioning pretty OK over the last 30 years as a psychotherapist, professional speaker, author and blogger.    Actually, my two recent concussions are causing more challenges than any of this other stuff.    Sometimes I pause a bit before answering a question, or have to ask for it to be repeated, or stumble over words, or can’t quite get to the word I want to use.    With all the negative attention to Senate candidate John Fetterman’s difficulty with auditory processing from his recent stroke, it gets me wondering if some folks have had negative thoughts about my workshops, interviews, workplace coaching or therapy sessions. Yes, I guess was sometimes on the verge of taking it personally and feeling rejected.   Have they secretly been making fun of me the way some folks do about John Fetterman’s speech?  I’m aware that my ability to think and write are not at all affected but I now I’m wondering what others have been thinking about my brain.   I couldn’t be without closed captioning to watch TV and some movies. I loved the idea that John Fetterman used it in his recent TV debate. Sure wish I had thought of using captioning in other venues to help me out. But then maybe folks would have made fun of me for doing that.    Because of the attention to Lt. Gov. Fetterman’s speech difficulties, there have been some wonderfully informative articles about auditory processing and I’m sharing them with you below.    You may even recognize yourself or someone you care about as you read.   Here are some highlights from that very first piece I was reading when I first realized APD is Me.   From Andrea’s Blog:  https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   – The ears take in everything, but the brain has trouble sorting it out.   – It’s like having poor cell phone reception, where the signal gets static or drops out.    – Difficulty discriminating between a voice and the background noises.    – Difficulty understanding people when more than one person is speaking.    – Having to rely on context to puzzle out what people are saying.   – I have always misunderstood musical lyrics (and creatively concocted my own); I can never repeat a conversation verbatim that lasts longer than a few seconds.   – Verbal directions are hard to keep straight – writing them down helps a lot.   – All my life my teachers and parents have complained I didn’t pay attention: “What’s wrong with you”  “Why aren’t you listening to me?“    Tips for coping from Andrea and Her Blog Readers:    –  Asking people to face you.   –  Sitting closer to a speaker whenever possible, saying I have trouble hearing.   –  Looking at people’s lips when they talk.    –  Writing down lists of things I’m asked to do. Otherwise, I forget what I hear.    –  Repeating back what I hear, in a different way if possible. This is for two reasons. One, I often hear the wrong thing and put together the wrong instruction set. The second reason is because even if I hear the right thing, I often misunderstand the meaning or miss specific, clarifying words.    –  Asking people to move to a quieter place to talk. Usually all this takes is simply moving myself to a little corner. Speakers will follow without a word because it’s natural to want to be closer when talking to someone.    –  When appropriate, allowing the use of an assistive listening device (ALD). It consists of a receiver with headphones for myself, and a wireless mike for the speaker. This allows the information to transmit directly through the headphones while eliminating most extraneous noises.    –  I often email people with the information I understand, and ask them to verify (in writing and by responding, so I have the original with their response).    – I find it helpful to take literate notes because it keeps me involved in the meeting, so I become the unofficial note taker.    – Telling people to do what I need them to do so I can understand. I never had the confidence to that before that past several years. I just thought I was stupid and should be able to keep up by now.    Sharing John Fetterman's Challenges   So in many ways John Fetterman and I have some of the same challenges. The major difference is that I have been living with mine for many years and my APD will not get better. Because his APD resulted from a stroke, his brain will continue to rebuild and his speech will continue to improve.   And again, here is the link to this really helpful and very long blog by Andrea: https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   One of my favorite ADHD sites is www.AdditudeMag.com and offers these takes on Auditory Processing Disorder plus some self-testing. And by the way, October has been ADHD Month!   "Auditory processing disorder (APD) occurs when the ears and brain are not in sync. This disconnect can cause challenges with differentiating similar sounds.   This disconnect can cause a range of challenges – struggles with auditory discrimination, with listening in noisy environments, with remembering what you’ve heard, and with recalling the sequence of words spoken – that may resemble (and co-occur with) other conditions.   APD may interfere with learning, however it is not correlated with intelligence. It may cause communication difficulties, but it does not show up in traditional auditory tests for hearing loss."   Jill Bolte Taylor’s Personal Experience with a Stroke and Auditory Processing    Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroscientist,had a stroke 26 years ago. Her descriptions of her experience and recovery are fascinating:     “In 1996, at the age of 37, I was a brain scientist at Harvard when I experienced a major hemorrhage in the left half of my brain. Over the course of four hours, my brain completely deteriorated circuit by circuit, ability by ability. After experiencing this rare form of stroke, I lost my ability to walk, talk, read, write and recall any memories from before the event.   Although I was left in a neurologically devastated condition, I did not die that day. After I had brain surgery at Massachusetts General Hospital, it took me eight years to use my understanding of the brain to completely rebuild my neural circuits and recover all lost functions.   In 2008, more than a decade after my stroke, I gave the first TED Talk to ever go viral, I was chosen as one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World, and I was interviewed on Oprah Winfrey’s daytime TV show, alongside Dr. Mehmet Oz.   I can share from experience what having a problem with auditory processing feels like. It’s like there’s a small delay between what you hear and your ability to understand the meaning of what was said.” https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/25/opinion/brain-stroke-recovery-fetterman.html   And Vox offers this information about APD and the use of accommodations:  https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2022/10/15/23403699/john-fetterman-pennsylvania-senate-interview-captions-disability-dasha-burns-mehmet-oz   Thank goodness for the world of accommodations!    Have you have any experiences with Auditory Processing?   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

How Can Putin Save Face?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / AndreyPopov

 

I’ve been thinking a whole lot lately about 'Saving Face' as world-wide tensions are mounting after attacks on civilians and cities in the Ukraine.

There have been opinion pieces and several TV talking heads pondering just how Putin can feel he is saving face and can he make a graceful exit? Will he agree to negotiate a peaceful resolution or will he fight to the bitter end even if that means Russia goes down in flames as well. 

And now it seems every day heads of state are publicly shaming Putin. Sending him off to sit in the corner.

 

And Putin again and again puffs himself up, attacking Ukrainian cities and killing adults and children.

Here’s how this kind of bully behavior works:

Bullies are usually not feeling very good about themselves. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable. Maybe all of the above.

When the bully inflates himself and takes up all that space, it is with the intention of diminishing his opponent. Putin’s need to diminish, shrivel and devastate Ukraine is pretty apparent here. But along with his acts Putin is at the same time losing respect from much of the world (and very possibly losing self-respect.)

 

I’m wondering if somehow we could offer Putin the opportunity to save face and  save his honor, this war could end. If we could only point him to a graceful exit, could we find a workable solution?

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of 'Managing Face'

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I blogged about it almost a decade ago. Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’:

 

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Do you remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss.  "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

Putin and world heads of state also appear to be engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

 

Lots of press lately about what to do about saving face and Honor:

Yahoo:       We should give Putin a face-saving way out of this war'

Fox News:  Russia is trying to save face after being embarrassed in Ukraine

BBC News: Ukraine: Putin will search for a way to save face - BBC News

 

More info about 'Managing Face':

http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Let’s have a dialogue – what are your ideas for saving face in this terrible situation between Russia and the Ukraine.

What are our own experiences?

You can send me an email at [email protected] or Comment below. . .

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Taking Laughter Personally!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                                    

                                        ©Kakigori - Can Stock Photo Inc.

 

Over the years I’ve heard many stories from both workplace consultation and therapy clients about being on the receiving end of laughter and taking something personally.

 

Sometimes, though, it’s not about being on the receiving end. It’s about being unaware of their own laughter and then wondering why the other person is unsure about how to interpret the laughter.

 

I’ve been noticing how a new consultation client has been ending each of our Zoom sessions by signing off with nervous laughter.

 

I’m sure she is unaware she is doing it and unaware of how much this laughter detracts from the professional message she’s wanting to present

 

I’m planning to approach this by commenting on the gains she is making toward her goal of making a positive professional impression and ask if it’s OK if I offer a personal observation.  Would she like to work on becoming aware when she laughs and how it may negate the professional impression she wants to give in her business transactions.

 

Many of us know from our childhood experiences of being on the receiving end of laughter, how confusing it can be, how we don’t quite know how to respond to it.

 

Too often we had miserable experiences growing up thinking someone was derisively laughing at us.  Middle School is famous for fostering these insecurities!

 

Many of us used to ‘fill in the blanks’ with our own interpretation – and we still do!

 

I was one of those folks.

 

I wrote in Don’t Take It Personally! –– “It seems I was getting my feelings hurt all the time. I often thought people were laughing at me. I remember my first day at dancing class when I was about five years old. While all the parents watched, the teacher told us to follow her as best we could and she began to shuffle and stomp and kick. Then she began to shimmy, which we just couldn’t figure out. Can you just picture all of these little five-year-olds shaking their butts instead of their shoulders? The parents roared, and I, of course, thought they were laughing at me. For many years after that, I would make sure I was in the back row of any dance or movement class ….” 

“Another child might not have been so reactive. Another child might have been more resilient and not so quick to perceive rejection. Another child might have gone about his or her business without wasting time and energy on deciphering the meanings of looks, tones of voice, or laughs.”

 

Highly Sensitive to Laughter

There are a lot of us out there who had these disheartening early experiences and still find ourselves having strong reactions to someone’s laughter, interpreting it as someone laughing at us.

 

One woman remembers feeling the butt of everyone’s jokes — especially her older sister’s friends. Their teasing made her feel vulnerable and self-conscious all the time.

 

“It took a while, but I taught myself to use self-deprecating humor, trying to make sure everyone would be laughing with me and not at me. I could be a great stand-up comic!”

 

And speaking of humor and comedy, another woman recently hung up the phone when her mother started laughing during their conversation. After this hang up they didn’t talk for weeks.

 

When the daughter was able to talk about how hurt she was when her mother laughed at her, Mom looked genuinely surprised that her laughter was so hurtful – especially that her daughter felt Mom was directing it at her.

 

Then Mom tells a story her daughter has never heard before: “All my life my dream has been to be to be a comedian – to stand on the stage and bring joy by making people laugh!”

 

This story is  a good illustration of how laughter might be a double-edged sword: Wanting to bring joy through laughter to people could also cause someone to misunderstand and feel hurt.

 

From Self-reject to Self-respect ^TM

I, too, felt so much hurt from misunderstanding laughter. When I realized how this was influencing my adult interactions, I knew I had to do something to re-balance.

 

So I taught myself how to use laughter to overcome my moments of self-consciousness. As soon as I feel an insecurity coming on, I laugh at myself before anyone else can.

 

Actually I’ve developed a kind of silent giggle that instantly becomes available when I start to feel self-conscious. It helps me feel back in control of the situation and to sidestep potentially embarrassing moments.

 

Before I developed ‘the giggle’ I used to take myself so seriously. As a child I thought people were laughing at me all the time, so it wasn’t easy to learn to direct humor at myself. As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself. I was actually laughing with myself.

 

Once I began to lighten up everything changed — and I found I wasn’t taking things so personally.

 

Yes, that’s it: I learned how to find the balance of taking myself seriously enough to believe in myself, yet lightly enough to laugh with myself.

 

Do you, too, have a story to tell about your own or someone else’s nervous, self-conscious laughter?

Do you have a story to tell about overcoming the uneasy feelings that can arise in uncomfortable situations?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Waiting and Waiting to Hear: “Thank You for Your Good Work!”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / 72soul

A workplace consultation client, let’s call him Mel, and I were taking a deep dive into how often he feels unappreciated for his creativity and contributions at work.

 

We were exploring how disappointed he was by not being validated for his major contributions to four projects that won 5 impressive awards in his field. “I was the sole Instructional Designer on 3 of those projects.”

 

Since I had just been interviewed on professional rejection by the Washington Post’s The Lily outlet, I offered to send him the just published piece.  

 

https://www.thelily.com/everyone-gets-rejected-heres-what-our-readers-learned-from-their-toughest-ones/

 

His response was to say he was struck by how many folks in the sample told stories about how rejection spurred them on to bigger and better successes.

 

Mel realized a High School rejection experience had the opposite effect for him when he wasn’t selected for a National Merit Award. “I decided I would never receive any outside validation because I wasn’t good enough at anything else except doing well on standardized tests.”

 

“I craved validation, I needed to feel legitimized! And I hoped getting that Merit Award would give me a sense of accomplishment.”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / izakowski

 

“Guess I’m still wanting that respect! When my company won those 5 awards no one from upper management reached out to me to say, “Thank you for your good work. That’s a real benefit to our company.”

 

Instead, silence.

 

And sometimes don’t most of us need to feel recognized, legitimized, appreciated, respected?

 

Mel’s reflections got me thinking about my own High School days when I felt Invisible. Unrecognized. Insignificant. Inconsequential. Unappreciated.

 

And I recalled how frequently these early rejecting experiences seemed to follow me into the workplace. There have been so many times when I was hoping someone would pat me on the head and say, “Atta girl!”

 

Most of us have a need to feel worthy and appreciated for who we are and what we do.

 

I encourage workplace and psychotherapy clients to ‘walk alongside themselves’ and observe (without judgment) how their early messages and experiences of disappointment and rejection might be reflected in their present day professional (and personal) experiences.

 

By discovering what those early messages have been and how they might be influencing present-day interactions, we can step back and choose to try out new approaches.

 

There are many facets of rejection and self-rejection. For many of us feeling disrespected usually leads the list. There are all kinds of flavors of feeling ‘dissed’ so I created a ‘Diss List’ of ways we might tend to feel dissed, feel rejected, get our feelings hurt and take something personally:

 

How many of these feelings do you recognize?

 

Can you think of other “diss” feelings we can add to the list?

 

Do you have a story to tell about your own experience with feeling accepted or disappointed and rejected?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Congressional Communication Breakdowns Replicate Troubled Couples

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                                                                                          © Can Stock Photo / focalpoint

 

Lately the squabbling and dramatic goings-on in Congress remind me of many troubled couples I see in my psychotherapy practice.

 

My intake information form asks: “Why did you decide to come into therapy now?” and almost always couples answer with the same one or two words: “Communication” or “Communication Problem.”

 

My first job, of course, is to get some specifics about what this means – “communication” covers a lot of ground.

 

Mostly couples want to be listened to, heard, and understood.

 

The kinds of things that are often lacking in these relationships are what appears to be lacking in our present Congress: becoming entrenched in ‘my way or the highway’ thinking, the inability to clearly define what they want and expecting others to read their minds, and not having skills to respectfully negotiate a workable solution.

 

I describe it this way: If we can’t talk it out, we act it out – sometimes by name-calling or by outbursts, but often by non-actions such as sulking or foot-dragging or saying ‘yes-but’ or by making promises that are not kept, or by shutting out the other person.

 

Feeling Rejected and Disrespected Through Misunderstandings

Too often they do not know how to clarify meaning and they ‘fill in the blanks” with their own interpretation.

 

One easy way to check out meaning is:

- This is what I heard you say? ––––––––––––––––

- Is this what you said?

- Is this what you meant?

The gives the other person two opportunities to clarify and avoid any misunderstanding.

 

These mis-cues and misunderstandings are a breeding ground for taking things personally, hurt feelings, disrespect, anger, feeling rejected, resentment and further breakdown in communication.

 

Resentment sure takes up a tremendous amount of space in any type of relationship – including Congress.

 

Communication breakdown too often leads to blaming, dismissive, name-calling behaviors. Needing to make the other person ‘bad and wrong.’ Inability to take responsibility for their words or actions., dismissive behaviors such as diminishing the other person by bullying.

 

I work with couples toward defining and asking for what they want or need, feeling 'heard' by their partner, respecting rather than feeling threatened by differences of style, putting themselves in the shoes of the other person, giving and receiving respect, and enhancing ways to work as a team. 

 

Even when they come in with different agendas, I coach them:

- to clearly communicate so each is feeling listened to and heard.

- to use words of yearning instead of complaining.

- to enhance their relationship strengths by helping the hurt, anger, disrespect and resentment to fall away, allowing space for responsiveness, accessibility and connection.

- to fully understand the power of reciprocity in relationships:

 

Understanding Sequence and Reciprocity

Sequence is identifying what behavior comes before and what behavior follows. And what comes before that? And before that? What behavior comes after? Soon a pattern of interaction begins to emerge.

 

Related to sequence is reciprocity – the effect of behavior on future behaviors – how one response begets another. In other words, every action is also a reaction, creating a circular rather than linear process of relating.

It means taking a good look at how folks participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Let’s suppose one person says something the other person perceives as accusatory. The response is often to protect from the perceived attack. The first reaction may be to withdraw, maybe nursing hurt feelings or giving the other person the silent treatment.

 

What if this withdrawal is perceived as a snub? What if they say something hurtful in response?

 

And what happens then? Does the person withdraw even more to protect themselves from more hurt? And does the other person feel even more ignored and slighted? How do they react to this feeling?

 

At what point does the interaction start to disintegrate?

 

And on and on it goes. In other words, in this kind of circular interaction, each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior.

 

Before you know it, there is a reciprocity of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.

 

Yep, that describes Congress perfectly: Out of Hand.

Until next month, 

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Air Rage - Who Gave Permission for Such Bad Behavior?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

CanStock Photo / rogistok

What a disturbing nationwide trend air rage has become! And this latest incident is shocking –– someone didn’t want to follow the rules so she knocked out two teeth of a flight attendant.

A statement from Southwest says she had "repeatedly ignored standard inflight instructions and became verbally and physically abusive upon landing." She is now banned from Southwest flights for life. 

I’m fascinated by rages and over the last couple of decades I’ve written about and been interviewed on many types: air rage and road rage and movie rage and fast food rage and shopping mall rage, and birthday party rage.

 

My blogs about air rage date back to 2010:

Outbursts of Outrage – Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?

Does Air Rage Reflect These Outrageous Times?

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

 

Also some blogs about various other rages in the news:

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/rage/

One of my favorites is  Fear, Anger and Outrage

 

Far too many outbursts have resulted in serious injuries and deaths of innocent bystanders. Yet when I re-read many of the earlier incidents I’m stunned at what seemed outrageous a few years ago seems tame to me now –– when compared to the massive outrageousness of recent behavior.

 

This month, the Federal Aviation Administration warned air travelersthat there has been a spike in disorderly or dangerous behavior aboard passenger planes.

 

According to the FAA: ”In a typical year, the transportation agency sees 100 to 150 formal cases of bad passenger behavior. But since the start of this year, the agency said, the number of reported cases has jumped to 1,300, an even more remarkable number since the number of passengers remains below pre-pandemic levels.”

However when the passengers who refuse to comply with the federal mask mandate are added in, the figure reaches 2,500!  

 

The San Diego Union-Tribune observes: 

“Bad behavior on commercial flights is not a new phenomenon.

But now it has become a national concern.

Unruly and sometimes violent passengers have become more frequent, disrupting flights and injuring airline employees, according to the Federal Aviation Administration, longtime flight attendants and pilots.

That coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. 

The sense of entitlement is hard to miss. 

Many of the disputes erupt over requirements to wear masks in an effort to limit the spread of COVID-19 — whether on an airliner, in a restaurant or at a coffee shop.

Often bearing the brunt of customer anger over the rules are flight attendants, restaurant servers, store clerks and other front-line service industry employees who already are at greater risk of becoming infected by the coronavirus than other workers. 

Being abusive to people who a) didn’t make the rules and b) are trying to help get you what you came for or where you’re going is beyond unfair.

Then there’s the selfish disregard for potentially endangering the health of people nearby, never mind ruining their flight or meal, by being a jerk.

It’s hard to quantify these incidents involving masks because they aren’t all reported and there’s nothing to compare them to pre-pandemic. Certainly, amplification through news reports and social media can make them seem common. The reality is, most everyone does the right thing. The vast majority of people who fly on planes and eat at restaurants are game to follow the rules for the service they are getting.

Unfortunately, some aren’t.”

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/columnists/story/2021-05-30/column-trouble-in-the-skies-mirrors-obstinance-to-rules-on-the-ground?_amp=true

 

Getting Upset, Overreacting and Lashing Out . . .

 

I’m noticing I’m getting angry easier and lashing out more than usual with the stress of the pandemic and isolation. Colleagues, friends and clients are reporting the same kinds of stressful interactions. I, too, find myself easily irritated. I even yelled at my cat the other day. Well, no, actually I screamed at her.

 

Do you, too, find yourself becoming more reactive than in ‘normal ‘times?

 

Let’s take a look at overreacting. All too often we take something personally and overreact when something hurtful is said to us or we  feel blamed or slighted or personally attacked. We may get defensive when people don't see things our way, we might  see others as “wrong” and “bad” and we might tend to turn the situation into “us” and “them.” 

 

When we take something personally, it is usually because we are overly sensitive to what somebody says or does OR what they neglect to say or do. The bottom line is we feel disrespected in some way.

 

Feeling “dissed” can stir up hurt feelings which may turn into anger and resentment. All too often anger turns into rage. 

 

Rage is an oversized step beyond anger and I see an important distinction: anger is connected to the present, rage is rooted in the past. It bursts forth when a situation in the present triggers profound emotions — early hurts and resentments about a similar type of situation are bubbling under the surface. These experiences of rejection are most likely from childhood: siblings, parents, extended family, peers, teachers or coaches.

 

This is why I call rage “anger with a history.”

 

What Causes These Outbursts?

 

CanStock/ willierossin

Where do these potent emotions come from? What causes these outbursts, these lapses in good judgment? What causes rage to explode into out of control behaviors, even violence? What prompts us to react so desperately?

 

When new perceived rejection hurts pile onto old ones each hurtful remark opens old wounds. Anything in that stockpile can ignite. We get overwhelmed and unable to think straight. We overreact and lose control. 

 

Feeling disrespected includes judgment, criticism, condescension, betrayal, bullying and humiliation –– all are facets of rejection. 

 

When we feel mistreated, unsafe or threatened, we tend to defend ourselves. We restore our pride by attacking back. Or by seeking revenge.

 

Sometimes our rebellion comes from not liking to be ordered to do something – like obeying rules and wearing masks on an airplane.

 

Today’s news is filled with personal and cultural rage that is assaultive and violent. Our elected officials are increasingly at each other’s throats. Someone is an unwitting victim of road rage, air rage, fast food rage and birthday party rage. Sports rage produces melees on basketball courts, playing fields and little league games. A student is taunted by others and brings a gun to school. Someone feels slighted and disrespected and stalks and kills co-workers. 

 

We are at the same time victim and victimizer. 

 

A paragraph in the piece quoted above in the San Diego Union-Tribune describes the power of isomorphism: “Bad behavior on commercial flights….coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. The sense of entitlement is hard to miss.”

 

Isomorphism is a term from systems theory –– you may know it by the terms ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’

 

Isomorphism is where patterns repeat from one setting to another, including attitudes, moral character, values and temperament. I’ve noticed that the culture of each administration lappears to be  influencing  many people as it trickles down from Congress and the White House into our workplaces and personal lives. 

 

Isomorphism is a reflection of one situation by another. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

I frequently hear this pattern described by my workplace consultation clients. The character and values of the leader trickles down to staff.  Sometimes the workforce is highly uncomfortable with it.

More on isomorphism: When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down (from 2017)

 

The experience of losing control and overreacting, and lashing out feels pretty yucky to most of us. The disrespect we are spewing onto others ends up splattering on us as well.

 

Trying to pause the interaction might help. Can you take a deep breath, maybe 4 or 5? Remind yourself you DO have choices – can you name one? What might  that be? Can you say it out loud to yourself?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice instead to start respecting ourselves.

  

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Gaslighting –– the Ultimate Alternate Reality

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / artursz

 

Misrepresented or untrue statements from both Conventions have been really difficult for me to hear. It feels like a punch to the gut and is totally crazy-making.

My stomach knots up as I remember my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. And trying to figure out if I really did hear or see something and being told ‘“You’re imagining it. it’s all in your head!”

Hearing days of lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy during this especially savage campaigning brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.

“You’re imagining it!”

“You didn’t hear me say that.”

“You must have misunderstood.”

“No, that’s not what you saw!”

‘It’s all in your head.”

“What are you, crazy?”

 

Everything Up is Down

Being in my family was like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. And definitely crazy-making.

I remember how members of my family seemed to speak gibberish, not making much sense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to understand their meaning.

And yet there seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.

Many years later when I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, nonsense reasoning, evasiveness and deflections. AND a total denial of my observations and perceptions.

Then there was the accompanying drama and chaos to distract from goings-on that really needed attention and clarification.

 

When I Was a Kid I Hated Being Lied To –– And I Hate It Now Too

I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I was especially sensitive to lying even as a young child. I was probably about 3 or 4  and remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know. But it wasn't easier for me.

I never quite forgave my father for lying to me. I think that was the first time I gave myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth. There were many such self-deprecating messages over the years.

 

"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."

For me, the most surreal, uncomfortable and confusing part of this whole election drama are the repeated denials of present and previous statements and actions.

Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.

It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was pulling the wool over my eyes. But I still watched Trust deteriorate.

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.

The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. This inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.' Especially when someone discounts your and makes you feel bad and wrong to have your own ideas about what really happened.

Laing's article begins: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

I don't like being fooled.

It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. It certainly brings up old feelings of rejection. And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

These days these behaviors are referred to as ‘gaslighting.’

Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.

Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots,

We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads.  And now they can blame each other about covid and protests.

In the January 2008 issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.”

I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.' More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html

And I wrote that almost 13 years ago!

Back when I wrote those words I didn't dream how much the viciousness of personal attacks would escalate.

It's really getting to me. Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

'These last weeks there are lots of rejecting behavior: Mocking. Belittling. Scoffing. Criticizing. Slighting. Insulting. Faulting. Deceiving. Accusing. Attacking.

Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising dozens of others.

The common denominator of these words is rejection. And the opposite of disrespect of course is respect and sadly it seems to be missing.

 

And Exploitation, Too

I was stunned to see newly naturalized citizens showcased by President Trump as he presided over a White House ceremony – I guess to show his pro-Immigrant sentiment. They apparently were not notified that the videos were going to be used during the RNC programming. Not very respectful, was it?

The folks invited to speak about their concerns regarding the city’s housing authority, but that they were never told the video would be part of the Convention. Not very respectful, was it?

I’ve been interviewed many times on tape and video and my experience is that usually releases are signed to set forth the terms and conditions in which the people in the video agree to participate.

I’m particularly sensitive to exploitation from my own life and all the years I have worked with exploited children and adults as a social worker and in private practice.

Hmmmm. This exposure without informed consent sure feels a lot like exploitation to me.

 

The Trickle-Down Effect

When I'm feeling affected by what the world is tossing at me, it helps to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' You may know the concept as 'Parallel Process.'

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other.

We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.

This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one

candidate trickle down to staff and electorate. From one context to another.

And it seems to be trickling down to some of us as well –– I’m noticing how I am becoming more snippy, snarky, impatient and short-tempered. You too?

There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I’ve been finding myself checking things out every day with Find AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck

And yes, it is validating many of my perceptions.

 

                            © Can Stock Photo / artursz

I spent a couple of hours reading about both the DNC and RNC conventions on various Fact Check sites, Seems to me the Associated Press site is one of the most neutral so I'm quoting from it . . .

According to AP Fact Checks:

“Joe Biden and fellow Democrats spun an assortment of facts to their benefit in their national convention, omitting inconvenient truths such as Barack Obama’s record of aggressive deportations and swift action by a Republican president to save the auto industry more than a decade ago.”

Another example: “Michelle Obama assailed President Donald Trump on Monday for ripping migrant children from their parents and throwing them into cages, picking up on a frequent and distorted point made widely by Democrats.

She’s right that Trump’s now-suspended policy at the U.S.-Mexico border separated thousands of children from their families in ways that had not been done before. But what she did not say is that the very same “cages” were built and used in her husband’s administration, for the same purpose of holding migrant kids temporarily.”

“Meantime President Donald Trump flooded the zone with falsehoods, some so apparent that anyone with access to the internet could see the folly of them at a glance”.

Some examples: “President Trump claimed accomplishments he didn’t earn on the pandemic, energy and veterans at a Republican convention finale that also heard Black Lives Matter baselessly accused of coordinating violent protests across the country.”

“Vice President Mike Pence and fellow Republicans pressed a distorted case Wednesday that President Donald Trump took over a moribund economy from Barack Obama and supercharged it. That’s not what happened.”

“Speakers at the Republican National Convention also hailed Trump for protecting the health insurance of people with preexisting illness, flipping reality on its head as his administration tries to overturn the law that guarantees those protections.”

“A St. Louis lawyer featured during the Republican National Convention falsely claimed that Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden and his party want to ‘abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning.’”

“Biden does not propose banishing single-family homes. Nor would he get rid of the suburbs. “

 

Curious? Here are the links:

AP FACT CHECK: What the Dems didn't say, and what Trump did

https://apnews.com/e86b701ff234ec507f8e4059547a680b

 

AP FACT CHECK: Michelle Obama and the kids in ‘cages’

https://apnews.com/2663c84832a13cdd7a8233becfc7a5f3

AP FACT CHECK: Is US great again or dystopian? GOP says both

https://apnews.com/eebf6a1f6ce79cfc00456f27e8e928f7AP FACT

 

AP FACT CHECK: Trump distorts record; BLM falsely accused

https://apnews.com/699e0c893bfbd986cea11b6f403beb3e

AP FACT CHECK: GOP taps distortions to heap praise on Trump

https://apnews.com/7c6c47ba0bef4fb26ca667e4ea15e131

AP FACT CHECK: Biden’s stance on suburbs twisted at RNC

https://apnews.com/c38a662b153d953ab9fefa9d13ac4784

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Would really like to hear from you about your experience with all of this.

Stay safe out there . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Taking a Cue From UNO: No Politics Allowed!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

This year the UNO card deck changes colors to orange and purple, clearly stating:

“No red or blue cards means no taking sides!”

The pack is stamped “NONPARTISAN” hoping to reduce stress at family gatherings caused by political fighting. And just in case a cantankerous relative tries to start a political conversation the pack includes a 'VETO' card!

 

Every few years I blog about how to avoid hurt feelings on Thanksgiving. I used to use some humor, describing how family gatherings can seem like we are watching Theatre of the Absurd. I’ve had a good time poking fun at the Cast of Characters at the table.

 

Trouble is, I don’t find much humor these days in how people treat each other. Family gatherings are becoming more and more like a microcosm of our tension-laden, disrespectful and scary world: dismissiveness, arguments, hurt feelings, personal attacks, threats and sometimes even violence.

 

It’s frightening and makes me feel very vulnerable.

 

I’m hoping this year we can take a cue from UNO and stay away from political fighting at our family gatherings. Actually I’m writing this Thanksgiving blog with a plea: please make sure you feel safe in the presence of others. Please be careful about biting any political discussion bait that someone may throw out to you and about unwittingly baiting a relative with your own political observations.

 

Someone could get hurt. It used to be mostly hurt feelings but lately it seems like too often physical harm happens too.

 

Does it seem to you that this year stress is higher than in the past. Reports of interactions between world leaders and elected officials describe out-of-control anger, raging, lashing out, bullying, dismissiveness, contempt, ridicule, mockery, derision, and taunting. And this year there have been accusations of bribery, extortion, and even threats of ‘insurance policies.’ Am I the only one who thinks that could mean blackmail?

 

I’d like to see elected officials model some amount of respectful and ethical behavior instead of disrespect and deception.

 

I find this behavior especially scary because it gives permission to the rest of us to act badly.

 

Politicized and Polarized

 

Family dynamics often replicate global attitudes and actions. too often they can bring up fear. And fear often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. And we feel especially vulnerable to the scariness ‘out there.’

 

Defending against this fear can make us more polarized than ever. It becomes Us vs. Them. Good vs. Bad. Seems like too many people have a strong need to make everyone else ‘Bad’ and ‘Wrong.’

Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Distrust permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. In any relationship, Trust is pretty important and it seems to be disintegrating.

 

Will this have an effect on our Thanksgiving gatherings?


Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

 

The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one. 

Uncle John is a great example of obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had an extra drink or two. That’s when his political rants are not just annoying. In his determination to be right at any cost, his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful.

 

And he loves to bait other guests into arguing with him. He pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed as you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

 

So how do you handle him?

- Keep reminding yourself he’s baiting you and you have a choice not to bite.

– It helps to have a rehearsed response in case you get flustered. Be direct. Something like: "Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you."

 

Pass the Rejection, Please



 

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were a little kid. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You just want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she loves getting a charge out of you, not showing reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


– Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are usually feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

– Try being direct with her: “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, I would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.”



– Instead of imagining crawling under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walking into the bathroom and closing the door and regaining your composure.


 

Watching the Cast of Characters in Theatre of the Absurd



 

This is where it helps to imagine stepping back as if you are watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes seem surreal. Actually by imagining yourself as the audience observing the weirdness of this cast of characters you can create a safe space for yourself in the midst of all the crazy-making goings-on.

Employing this perspective can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally. And hopefully to not get so angry or over-reactive to their stupid comments.


 

Opt-In to Time-Outs 



 

Here are some good ways to try to take care of yourself:

– Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a needed ‘Time Out.’

– Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you probably felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

– One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

– In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

– At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely not about you. It’s a good guess that other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.

 

Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

– By the way, if you really need to check your calls on your device, some relatives might feel offended, so walking into the bathroom to check you can avoid ruffling feathers.

– Here is a strategy that works really well: Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.


 

Planning a Quick Get-Away

 

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more planning.

 

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.


 

It’s Not About You!

 

It’s worth a trip to the bathroom to clear your mind and make the space to remind yourself it’s probably not about you.

 

It helps to ask yourself:

Am I taking this personally? How?

Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”? **

** (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

This can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting and hurtful environments. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


 

Do you have a story or two to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them? 

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the 
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com


 

Note: Parts of this blog are borrowed from previous Thanksgiving blogs I’ve written over the years and from Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

About the new UNO cards

Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword

 

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Did Mueller Hearings Symbolize the Tattered Fabric of Our Country?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Flickr:  Ross Sandelius

I found exchanges between congressional committee members and Robert Mueller unsettling: There was awkwardness and discontinuity and too much grandstanding. I was surprised to hear the extent of the anger and sarcasm.

I kept seeing an image of a tattered American flag that someone had tried to stitch back together. For me it symbolized the ripped fabric of our country.

Watching Robert Mueller struggle at times to find the precise word was especially painful for me. I was reminded of my own life-long struggles with words.

I, too, try to be precise but it takes effort. Most of my life dyslexia and mild ADHD have interfered with grabbing just the right word – and it doesn’t get any easier as I get older!

I’m pretty good at explaining concepts, presenting difficult, sophisticated ideas in easy to understand language. Yet exact words and phrases often elude me and finding the right words can be a struggle.

Writing these blogs over the last 12 years I find I can easily knock out a rudimentary first draft, but making it articulate can take hours.

How The Media Outdid Themselves with Ridicule

Seems to me many media outlets missed the point of Mueller’s need for precision. They portrayed his seeming struggles for choosing the right word as a deficit and made it a focus of attention.

They were ridiculing him for not remembering certain statements made in the report. How hard would it be to figure out that he didn’t write every word himself.

In her recent post my professional speaking colleague and friend Francine Ward, Esq. says it better than I ever could:

“Funny how many folks made snarky comments about Mueller not remembering what was in the 500 pages of a document his office prepared months ago.

I wonder how many of the complainants (who own homes) can recall every word in the mortgage agreements they signed? Or can readily recall the terms of use they agreed to when signing up for Facebook? Or, can easily recall what’s in the trust, will, or power of attorney they signed?

Further, if anyone has ever been a witness in a litigation, and not remembered everything asked of them, they may recall having their recollection refreshed by the lawyer offering a document for them to review.”

 

Mueller was clear he did not want to testify - and that everything he had to say was in the 448 pages of the report and he would not expand on it.

So Congress went ahead and subpoenaed him, hoping he would expand on the written statements. Why were they so surprised when he gave only one or two word answers, not adding much. I guess I was surprised to hear him being criticized for his brevity. I can’t count how many times during congressional hearings I’ve heard committee members chide witnesses: “Just give me a yes or no answer.” Did these guidelines change for Mr. Mueller?

His answers showed how reluctant he was to be there and how reticent he was about adding more detail to what was described in print.

 

Reluctance, Resistance and Reticence

So let’s talk a bit about reticence.

I’ve worked with hundreds of reluctant and reticent teens (and adults as well.) At first I never expect to get much more than yeses and noes and if lucky maybe a few ad-ons. Almost always the holding back decreases as we move forward.

This kind of withholding can involve many variations: resistance, stalling, foot dragging, yes-butting, only minimally complying and even a form of sabotaging.

The term used in psychology books for these kinds of behaviors is ‘passive aggressive.’ However, I find the actual description of these behaviors is more useful.

We got what we were promised. Mueller clearly stated he would be staying within the confines of the four corners of the Special Counsel report. And he did just that. Even maintaining composure in the face of flaring temper and disrespectful questioning.

 

Magical Thinking and Unrealistic Expectations

And when the hearings were over it’s interesting to speculate what brought on the often vicious, critical comments by the media and public. My guess is it was the amount of ‘magical thinking’ permeated the whole affair.

I often write about how unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointments. When expectations are not realized these disappointments can result in feeling cheated, jilted, rejected by, alienated from and angry at the person who disappointed you.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Flickr: Pompin1

Sometimes as adults, we revert to the magical thinking of our childhood, when we lived midway between the world of magic and the world of reality and all things were possible.

Back then we believed we were the center of the world and our wishful thoughts could make things happen.

Magical thinking is a normal part of childhood development, but in the adult world it can be a setup for disappointment.

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible,” says Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years.

Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.                                                                                                                       

The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. In this magical world the child also attributes various wondrous powers to other people or object.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

With the arrival of secondary process thinking, at six or seven years old the child begins the age of reason, developing the ability to follow the rules of logic and taking external reality into consideration.

But sometimes, even though we’re grown up, we revert to magical thinking, and this leads us to repeated disappointments in life.
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

Disappointments and Resentment

When we put someone on a pedestal and see them as an icon, the higher they are, the further and faster they tumble once they disappoint us. Too often we feel hurt and even rejected by people we care about because they didn’t, or couldn’t, or wouldn’t be what we need them to be. Sometimes we take it personally.

And sometimes folks overreact. Many of the media outlets actually surprised me by the depth of their venom.

Imagine criticizing someone because they asked for clarification to a muddled, jumbled, disordered, complex question. As a therapist and speaker I always want to be sure of the meaning of a question or statement. It feels unethical to try to guess and not clarify.

Many years ago I decided to get hearing aids as soon as I realized I was sometimes confusing consonants in therapy sessions. (Interestingly my audiologist thinks my hearing loss probably started when I was very young. I remembered an uncle told me several years ago: “You always pretended you couldn’t hear when you were little.” So it seems I've strained to hear since childhood and I recently learned I have  developed an auditory processing problem which often accompanies hearing loss.)

And for 35 years I’ve been coaching therapy and workplace clients on how to check out meaning and request clarification. It’s especially difficult for those of us who grew up in families where the ‘rule’ was to avoid definition and clarification and never ask questions.

Nothing gets us into trouble in our relationships as much as responding when we are unclear about what someone means.

This is how I see 'communication problems':
Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings, anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much relationship space, there is barely room for connection.

How can we have productive conversations with partners, family, friends or business associates when there is no clear understanding of what is being said to each other?

And back to the hearings: Why would committee members and the media rush to judgement just because someone asks for clarification of a poorly stated question? And why did they try to outdo each other in attempting to leave the reputation of this witness in tatters?

Sure beats me. I'd love to hear your ideas on all of this.

More about how to ensure productive communication: Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

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REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
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www.QueenofRejection.com

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Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Maybe you were recently dissed in a meeting or by a
colleague in the workplace.

Maybe the affront takes the form of a mean-spirited remark. Or unreasonable demands on your time. Or the condescending attitude of your boss. Or someone playing favorites. Or a snarky coworker. Or a back-stabbing-idea-stealing team member.

What do you do? Do you resign your self to silence? Do you
speak up? Do you go along to get along?

It's usually difficult to decide how to respond. Even more these
days with so much at stake in the workplace. And in these stressful
and difficult times, workplace dissing takes on a whole new
dimension.

Fear about job security  piles on yet another layer of anxiety
and stress.

I've been providing workplace coaching on disappointment,
rejection and taking things personally for over 25 years. I've
heard hundreds of stories.

Yet, I've never seen fear about recriminations so rampant.

"What if I get fired?"
"What if I don't get that project they promised?"
"What if they don't like me anymore?"

Stress and anxiety are easily passed from one person to another.
You don't even know you caught a dose of it until it starts weighing
you down. When folks around you are stressed and anxious they
might unload on you.

Anxieties need somewhere to go. When we cannot talk them
out, we tend to act them out - often on other people.

You probably have your own 'hot spot' that causes you distress.
Something happens that feels disrespectful and it starts festering.
Before you know it, you're dwelling on it - for hours, or days
or even weeks. How long does it take before it interferes with your
focus, your concentration and your productivity?

And the stress keeps building . . .

These days more than ever folks are contacting me for consultation on coping with rejection, slights, and condescending attitudes. Sometimes it's stinging words. Sometimes it's more subtle - a look or tone of voice that sends reverberations.

These days there's even more of a tendency to 'go along to
get along.' You are afraid to speak up. Afraid you might be
sorry for taking care of  yourself.

It's true some folks take things more personally than
others. They tend to fill in the blanks with what they
presume is meant by someone's actions or inactions.

Rather than fill in those blanks with your own explanation
of what someone might have meant, check out with that
person what was actually said and what was intended.

Here's how:

"This is what I heard you say."
"Is it what you said?"
"Is it what you meant?"

Below are typical stories I hear these days/

He can't say 'no'

Jonathan is distressed because he feels taken advantage of
at work. He feels trapped and can't see any way out.

Because it's important to him to impress his 'higher ups, he
can't say 'no' when someone requests he take on more work.

Talk about stress! He's been coming in early and leaving
late. And yes, working over lunch as well. Jonathan is a very
unhappy guy these days and his emotional and physical health
are being compromised.

Jonathan has never felt so stuck in his life. Yet he's afraid to 
speak up for fear he'll evoke displeasure or even lose his job.
His 'good boy' reputation - respectful, considerate and
accommodating - means a lot to him.

So what can Jonathan do to take better care of himself?
How can he find a way to get up the courage to say "no?"

We talked about some phrases he might experiment with:
"I cannot do everything you ask, but this is what I can do."
OR
"You've asked me to do _________.
And you've asked me to do _________.
Which would you prefer I do first?"

Both choices are respectful and considerate, which is exactly
how he wants to be regarded. He really has nothing to lose.
Except the 'accommodating' part which gets him into trouble.

Left out and left hanging

Stephanie has a different sort of problem. She feels her
boss regularly shows favoritism to a her team leader.
During meetings, as the rapport grows between the other
two, Stephanie finds herself ''shutting down and disappearing."
"I lose my voice, and begin doubting my self."

To make matters worse, one day the team leader surprised
Stephanie by finding fault with Stephanie's report. It was the
section that would have given more responsibility and creativity 
went along with the criticism. What a backstab this was. It really hurt!

Myriad feelings might surface in situations like this: feeling left
out, betrayed, angry. Old sibling rivalries or middle
school peer rejection might spring up.

In this workplace situation, Stephanie might say to her coworker:
"I was under the impression you were in support of my ideas. I'm
confused as to why you changed your mind about this section
of the report. Perhaps you can help me understand your rational."

Maybe there is a reasonable explanation that Stephanie
can learn from for the future. If not, perhaps Stephanie can
convince her team leader to approach the boss together about
reconsidering the idea.

Have these kinds of situations occurred in your experience?
How can you feel less victimized by circumstances?
How can you empower yourself in what often feels like
a hopeless situation?
How can you feel like you have choices in the situation?
How can you stay centered and maintain your confidence?

I'd love to hear your experiences and ideas.

It's probably not about you

It helps to keep repeating "It's most likely not about me." Remind yourself when people treat people badly, it's often because they are stressed and anxious.

If a stressed out coworker is feeling anxious or fearful,  they most likely try hard to control this anxiety. Usually folks do this by trying to control their world. Trouble is, there are people in their world who are feeling controlled by them. And it feels pretty yucky.

Sure you can take it personally. That's one option. But chances are it's really not about YOU. Chances are it's about the other person's need to feel less anxious. So
another option is to put yourself in their shoes and try to
understand how they may be feeling.

Understanding reciprocity

Understanding the concept of reciprocity helps you
navigate these energy draining negative experiences.
Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects
and is affected by the behavior of the other.

It means taking a good look at how both of you participate
in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both
negative and positive ways.

In other words, what someone thinks you think about them is
how they are going to respond to you.

With this in mind, let's look at how you can act to moderate negative message flow when it feels dismissive and rejecting. And how you can enhance positive message flow that feels validating and respectful.
 
Consider how respect is the key to effective teamwork.

Trouble is, it can be a struggle to accept someone's
style of doing things when it's different from your own.

We all have different styles of thinking, communicating,
doing, creating and being. We each learn these 'ways' in
our families, through cultural influences going back many
generations  — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and
expectations.

These family messages are passed down from generation
to generation.

So in any team meeting, you have quite a few more folks then
the group around the conference table. You have a roomful of
family members — both dead and alive — hovering around.
Each is clamoring to get their point of view across. Parents,
grandparents, step parents, aunts, uncles. Oh my.

Notice how 'crowded' the room is. See how many differences
of style are represented. Remember what we call a 'personality
conflict' is usually a style incompatibility.Understand how many
people might be taking something personally at any given time.

Is it any wonder team meetings can be so overwhelming?

We often feel uncomfortable or even threatened by differences
in thinking and doing. And our discomfort shows on our face,
especially if the other person is prone to reading expressions.
And they are most likely 'filling in the blanks' trying to figure out
what we are thinking about them. Not a good situation.

Here is a terrific way to regain mutual respect and get things back
on track. And it works both inside and outside the workplace:

Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about
the annoying person. It could be a certain skill, sense of humor,
color of shirt, or hairstyle. During any interaction with them
concentrate on that positive feature.

When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more
likely to respond positively to you. Give it a try.

And it's oh-so-empowering when it works!

Let me know.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

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A COUPLE from Amazon:
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 REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

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I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.