Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Needing Comfort and Reassurance – Getting Chaos and Fear Instead

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I live in fire-ravaged California. As you can imagine, life for many of us has been pretty chaotic.

 

This has been such an unsettling and scary time for most of us: massive uncertainty about Covid, the devastated economy, loss of our treasured routines and the accompanying stress and depression. And now for some of us, natural disasters and the out-of-control wildfires.

 

So three times in the last month my high altitude neighborhood received Red Flag fire warnings to be ready to evacuate because of the drought, lightening strikes and high winds.

(Addendum: a day after I wrote  this, a 4th evacuation!)

 

Then city officials tossed in another warning: trying to escape a wildfire, we may not be able to drive the two miles down our narrow winding roads. They suggest we plan on walking.

 

Me? At my age with ever-present back and rib pain? Walk 2 miles carrying the cat and a Go-bag?

 

So what to do?

 

My daughter Jocelyn and my brother Lee supported the idea of getting a pet-friendly motel room. So we did.

 

Again, a week later, we evacuated to different pet-friendly motel. Then the two latest times my good friend, my long-ago college roommate Bette invited us to stay with her in a nearby town.

After the second evacuation we returned home to a dying refrigerator, although I guess you could say the new one I ordered sight unseen is comforting –– in a way.

For a month chaos and uncertainty abounded – permeating every pore, just like the tainted air we are trying to breathe. And we’re not even into our normal fire season yet.

 

So when the extended Red Flag warning ended, the cat and I returned home in time to watch the presidential debate. Big mistake. It brought more chaos, distress, turmoil and uncertainty when I was craving assurances, balance, security and comforting.

 

The wreckage I witnessed during this debate was all too similar to the devastation of nearby homes and properties.

 

And the extreme bullying brought back childhood experiences of mean-spirited name-calling, religious taunting and the times neighborhood boys threatened me in the alley behind my house.

 

When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

 

And that feeling sure  took over during the debate!

 

The Imprint of Early Experiences

Over the years I’ve heard many similar descriptions from therapy and workplace clients about how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors:

• steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
• bickering, accusations and high drama
• personal, vindictive attacks and distrust

• bullying and name-calling
• blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
• boundarylessness
• illogical thinking and flawed judgment
• fuzzy and confused communication
• self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
• blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
• crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen –– often referred to as ‘gaslighting’
• deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
• 
making and taking back statements

From ‘The Scariness of Unpredictability’

 

And the constant interrupting was especially unsettling to many, reminding them of not being listened to or heard – feeling dismissed – both in childhood and in their workplace and personal relationships.

 

The Master of Distractions and Deflections

And the interruptions lead to another observation: how President Trump's Mastery of Distraction and Deflection was on full display.

 

Seems to me the never-ending interruptions and cross-talk was a very successful attempt to deflect the questions and the issues.

 

We never got to know if President Trump could answer the questions because he didn’t have to make an attempt when he deflected by talking over Chris Wallace. And by talking over Joe Biden and not letting him finish his answers, President Trump was able to keep him from appearing knowledgeable. Very clever!

 

Journalists and editorial boards also offered opinions about these behaviors:

 

From the USA Today Editorial Board:

“As for Trump, he was nothing short of a horror show. He apparently didn’t get the memo about trying to expand his appeal. For months, he has seen his mission as turning out his core supporters and tearing down his Democratic opponent, attacking Biden as corrupt, a puppet of the far left and mentally incompetent.

 

Trump came in to Cleveland thinking that his job was talk over Biden whenever the former vice president was speaking. The effect was like an adolescent bully in a lunchroom cafeteria harassing people just to draw attention to himself. His outbursts were studded with nonsensical statistics and outright lies.”

 

“This was not the presidential debate that Trump needed to catch up with poll-leading Biden. More important, it was not the kind of debate that reassures America about the fate of its troubled democracy.”

https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3580566001

 

From USA Today Opinion:

“If you’re a Trump supporter, you loved his obnoxious, bullying, in-your-face style. He bulldozed over Wallace, and frequently shoved Biden around verbally. Never mind that the president spewed countless distortions and bald-faced lies on a variety of topics. We’re in a post-truth, alternative facts world, where people can believe, if they choose to do so, that the sun rises in the West and sets in the East. 

 

If you’re a Biden supporter, you loved how he laughed openly at Trump, how he told him to “stop yapping,” and how "everything he says is a lie… everyone knows he’s a liar.”

 

If you want to know what a second Trump term would be like, you saw it last night: Delusional, thoroughly dishonest, bullying and unable to tolerate dissent.“

https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3571979001

 

And some fact-checking from USA Today:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2020/09/30/debate-fact-check-biden-trump-covid-19-law-enforcement-more/3585342001/

 

Craving Comforting

I badly was needing some reassurance after my evacuation ordeals. I am grateful for the few moments Joe Biden spoke directly to viewers and in the midst of the chaos and disruption, trying to reassure. Unfortunately, the bullying by the president overshadowed any feeling of security Biden’s efforts might have allowed.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Did you watch the debate? Did you, too, have strong reactions, even on a visceral level?

Would you share your impressions?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

The Art of Dealing Out Distractions, Deflections, Evasions, Blaming and Shaming

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It’s been intriguing to watch the steady stream of creative distractions coming out of the White House – mostly in tweet flurries seeming to increase in frequency just before news breaks that is embarrassing or damaging to the President. 

Luckily when a big story is about to break the usual policy that the reporter contacts people involved asking if they want to respond so it can be included in the piece.

With this early heads-up there is time to formulate an “official statement” or even to orchestrate a controversy that can serve as a distraction from any problematic news.

Distraction is the art of skillfully shifting a topic from one of greater importance to one of relative unimportance.

The List of Distractions is Endless

Common distractions are deflections, denials, evasions and postponements. Shaming and Blaming, too, are powerful forms of distractions, often the attempt to delegitimize any source of information not supporting our own ideas or interests. Such people and groups become “losers” and “has-beens” and “failures.”

The President's high drama tweeting flurries have been remarkably successful at diverting attention away from the problematic news item.

And his fondness for accusing and blaming and shaming becomes an added distraction.
Examples are the rash of firings and resignings and international threats.

We've been seeing frequent mentions lately wondering if the White House is like "the tail wagging the dog." It's referencing, of course, the 1997 movie Wag the Dog - when the  a publicist and Hollywood producer work with the White House to fabricate a war to distract from a presidential sex scandal.

According to Merriam-Webster, 'Tail Wagging the Dog' is a phrase "used to describe a situation in which an important or powerful person, organization, etc., is being controlled by someone or something that is much less important or powerful." It seems that when a dog wags it's tail, it's body then follows. Does the dog wag it's tail or does the tail wag the dog?

 

I’ve blogged many times about distractions and blamings and shamings in the White House. It seems to be happening more frequently, so let’s take an in-depth look.

Where Do We Learn the Fine Art of Distraction?

So where does a person learn to be so skilled at distracting? From my decades as a family therapist I’ve observed how we learn to take on certain “job descriptions”and play certain roles in our families.

My colleagues in the helping professions sometimes tease that we learned the role of ‘helper’ when we took on the job of ‘go-between’ and ‘caretaker’ in our families.

From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:

“You may have discovered different ways to maneuver through some difficult times. Did you learn to play a specific caretaking role, such as the mediator, the placater, the scapegoat, the go-between, or the joker? These roles were important to the functioning of your family, and you had a job to do — fill that role. This provided you with an identity—you were needed. In fact, you may continue to see yourself this way, repeating the same function in your adult relationships.”

Breathing Room describes how one woman took on the a childhood job of “space filler” in her family....she realized “there were spaces that needed filling in her family and her parents weren’t capable.”

“…Maybe a parent wasn’t fully functioning. Perhaps a parent inappropriately treated you as a confidante, or looked to you for emotional support or for help with a younger sibling. Some of us figured out that, in order for our families to function better, someone had to fill up that empty space. And you may have been that someone.”

Our childhood roles are hard to give up.

Unfortunately these survival roles don’t always function so well in our adult relationships. Under stress they continue to be our go-to position.

These two stories from Don’t Take It Personally! show how children decide to take charge when it felt the adults were out of control or weren’t doing their job.

Janie remembers being six years old, and her parents were screaming at each other. “I’d jump on the coffee table, pull myself to my full three-foot height, and read at the top of my lungs from my favorite book. I called it the ‘Happy Family’ book.”

She’s been intervening in fights ever since with coworkers and friends, but “at least,” she says, “I didn’t hop up on the desk and recite the ‘Happy Family’ to them!”

When Nick was a little boy he, too, figured out a way to handle his parents’ fights. Although he could barely read, he would grab the Yellow Pages and start to phone divorce attorneys until his parents stopped yelling at each other.

Virginia Satir’s Ideas on Family Roles and Communication Stances

When I was a family therapy graduate student I became entranced with Family Therapist Virginia Satir’s ideas on family roles and communication stances in response to stressful situations.

Andrew Fogg describes how Satir's developed "Survival Stances" to demonstrate how people cope with problems and to protect their self-worth against verbal and nonverbal, perceived and presumed threats.

The four survival stances are Placator, Blamer, Computer (being super-reasonable,) and Distractor (Being Irrelevant .)

She also added a 5th stance, “Leveler” which functions to keep balance in the family by resolving conflicts.

The five Satir Stress Responses are:

1 Blaming
2 Placating
3 Computing (Super-reasonable)
4 Distracting (Irrelevant)
5 Leveling

http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm

Let’s focus here on the Distracting (Irrelevance) and the Blaming behaviors that emanate so often from the White House these days.

 

https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles

 The Distractor: Whatever the Distractor does or says is irrelevant to what anyone else is saying or doing.

• When you play the distracting role, it will help if you think of yourself as a kind of lopsided top, constantly spinning, but never knowing where you are going, and not realizing it until you get there.
• Make sure that you are never on the point with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; maybe come back with one of your own on a different subject. Take a piece of imaginary lint off someone's garment, untie shoelaces, and so on.
• At first this role seems like a relief, but after a few minutes of play, the terrible loneliness and purposefulness arise.
• If you can keep yourself moving fast enough, you won't notice it so much.

Blaming is a powerful form of distraction.

Sometimes people point their finger at others and accuse them of behavior or actions that they are guilty of themselves.They may be projecting their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or fears onto  the other person.

  https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles

 The blamer is a fault-finder, a dictator, a boss. If you are a blamer, you act superior and seem to be saying: "If it weren't for you, everything would be all right.

• "Good blaming requires you to be as loud as tyrannical as you can. Cut everything and everyone down.
• Start your sentences with "You never do this or you always do that or why do you always or why do you never . . . ?" and so on.
• Think of yourself standing with one hand on your hip and the other arm extended with your index finger pointed straight out. Your face is screwed up, your lips curled, your nostrils flared as you yell, call names, and criticize everything under the sun. You don't really feel you are worth anything, either.
• So if you can get someone to obey you, then you feel you count for something

For more descriptions on Satir’s Stances:

http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm

 

Satir also identified body positions to illustrate each of the stances.

Virginia Satir’s Five Body Language Positions

These are body language positions that convey the emotions of Virginia Satir's Stress Responders and are particularly useful for understanding people who are speaking.

Care to venture any guesses about Donald Trump’s growing up experiences? Do you think Distractor and Blamer might have been his ‘job descriptions in his family?

And what about your own role in your family? What might it have been?
Does it influence your relationship or workplace roles now?

Would love to hear from you if you have a story.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Earlier blogs –

On Distractions:

Personal and Repugnant Politicking
Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Overly Sensitive? Thin Skin? Tips for Protecting Yourself
Deflections, Distractions, Denial and Postponements

On Projections:
Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

On Blaming:
Having ‘Thin Skin’ – Brooding, Blaming, Fuming, Lashing Out

On Shaming:
A Big Dose of Public Shame and Humiliation

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage