Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

The Big-time Influence of Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD   © Can Stock Photo / arloo     Lately it seems just about every coaching client and therapy client and couple and family I’ve been seeing wants to talk about challenges that seem to reflect what appears to be some form of personal boundaries.    Not exactly sure why so many of the different aspects of boundaries are front and center right now but seems to be on everyone’s mind.   So I’m thinking maybe a refresher course in boundaries would be useful here.   Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others.    Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize and respect how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others.   And having good personal boundaries means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.     Personal Boundaries are About Respect   I believe this is the most important to understand: Boundaries are about respecting your own space and the space of others.  This includes honoring each other’s differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy. We each grew up in different families with different rules, roles and ways of being, often including different cultural influences.   Psychologists John and Linda Friel offer some good descriptions of seven categories of personal boundaries. I’ve used their descriptions as a foundation and added some of my own impressions.   Physical boundaries means other people respect your physical space. These boundaries are violated when someone goes into your room, uses your stuff without asking, or reads your diary. They’re also violated when someone touches, or tickles you when you don’t want him or her to, or pushes or hits you.   Intellectual boundaries means others respect your ideas or thoughts. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”   Emotional boundaries involve respect for your feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, or psychologically abuses you by criticizing, belittling, or shaming.   Social boundaries mean a respect for your choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes where you go or who you choose to be with, for example, “Why on earth would you want to go out with her?” or “Why would you want to see that movie?”   Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy and choosing who can touch you, where, and how they can touch you. In other words, respectful boundaries means no one can touch you without your permission. Some sexual boundary transgressions such as stranger or acquaintance rape are obvious, but others, such as staring, and leering can be confusing because they are not so obvious.   Money boundaries involve how you earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. There’s no question that different attitudes about money can cause relationship problems, especially if you don’t respect the other person’s style.    I grew up in a culture where folks would often ask “How much did you pay for that?”   Ethical boundaries  And of course in today’s political climate we are very aware of how principles guiding decision-making and professional integrity seem to be getting trounced daily in politics   Time boundaries hold special interest for me because I have struggled so many years with these. This means having respect for your own and others’ ways of dealing with time frames for getting things done.    Some of us are on time or even early for meetings or getting projects done. Others of us are “under the wire” people and thrive on the excitement of deadlines.    For years my nickname is “under the wire Elayne” and my usual 5 minutes late really causes problems when I’m meeting someone who is usually 10 minutes early!   My lateness is easily mistaken for a personal affront and perceived as disrespectful. In my typical ADHD way I’d try to squeeze in too many tasks or errands before meeting someone.    And I finally figured out I was choosing to be later than the person I was supposed to meet. Why? Because waiting for someone made me anxious. I would worry that they forgot, or stood me up, or some other form of rejection. Better they should wait for me, even though it meant they might get annoyed at my lateness.     Growing Up Boundary-less   When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.   I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.   Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family.   Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning. Others expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.   For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.   Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.    Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.   In some of our families there may have been strict rules, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.     Privacy vs. Intrusiveness in the Workplace   A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’ I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.   For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors.    Can you can see how there might be privacy issues here where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?   I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.   Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.     Appropriateness in the Workplace    For over 35 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries in the workplace. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate flirting or teasing or touching can easily lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct.   Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.   And of course this disrespect too often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person experiencing boundary-less behavior.     More about boundaries in several blogs if you look up personal boundaries in the archives on my blog site: TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   © Elayne Savage, PhD     Until next month,  Elayne     Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

Post-Roe: What’s Going to Happen to the Children?

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                 © Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

So many unknowns!

With the safeguards and dignity of Roe being repealed, how many ways will this affect women’s lives and the lives of partners and families?

What will the far-reaching effects be on reproductive health care for everyone?

 • There is concern by medical practitioners about being unable to access medications used for treating ectopic pregnancies and for miscarriage management.

• There has already been denial of treatment for miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and severe pregnancy complications

 

• There is concern about accessing contraceptives.

A hospital in Missouri stopped providing Plan B and other emergency contraceptives. Then they realized they over-reacted and changed their mind.

• There is concern by those families trying to conceive using in vitro fertilization. They fear this ruling will complicate or even limit the procedures.

• This piece by Vox covers a range of concerns about possible changes in the way of life of many in America.

• From Forbes: Overturning Roe V. Wade: Here’s How It’ll Impact Reproductive Healthcare — Beyond Abortion

• From Time Magazine: The Devastating Implications of Overturning Roe Will Go Far Beyond Abortion Patients

• Experts even warn we can expect increased scrutiny and potential criminalization over pregnancy loss. And some fear there will even be a copy-catting of Oklahoma where recently a 19-year-old was arrested after a miscarriage, charged with manslaughter and sentenced to four years in prison. There was a miscarriage manslaughter indictment for an Alabama woman as well .

 

Remembering The Dangerous and Deadly Pre-Roe Years

I clearly remember the pre-Roe years and how scary and dangerous and deadly it was for pregnant women to seek abortion.

AND I have other memories as well: witnessing how dangerous life often was for the children born — unwanted, unloved and uncared for.

I don’t hear many people talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants after birth when parents feel they are unable to competently cope with unintended pregnancies and there had been little or no right to choose bringing a child into the world.

Maybe the parent wanted to finish school and get a job so they can support their new family.

Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Maybe they were raped or sexually assaulted by a family friend or family member.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

 
I know first-hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade.

I guess I saw just about every type of trauma – rejection, neglect, every possible type of abuse, exploitation and abandonment – you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents neglecting, mistreating or abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they were resented and rejected from birth.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

 

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care? Or the child who lives with emotional/physical/sexual abuse or rage, leading to fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

In the over two decades I was a CPS Social Worker I observed so many instances where parents were incapable of being responsible to the well-being of their children.

Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

It wasn’t surprising to learn that many of these parents had experienced these same behaviors and negative messages from their caretakers when they were young children themselves.

Sometimes they were lucky to have a grandma or great grandma or auntie to model care-taking and caring. But too often not.

I’ll never forget the times I watched a young teen mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging them along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

I knew about young children hurting or burning themselves when they were left unattended for several hours.

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or they were wearing unwashed clothes.

I remember one woman teaching her young daughter to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

One particular memory haunts me the most: One day I showed up for a scheduled appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog two miles to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She decided she didn't want the responsibility of this pet any longer.

She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them.

Thinking about that day decades ago still makes me want to cry.

 

                                © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is defined as "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

The list of possible long-term effects of abuse and neglect is pretty much endless:  there are hundreds of facets and sub-facets of challenges with self-esteem and low self-confidence, fear, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, self-rejection, self-sabotage, taking things too personally and ability to trust in work and personal relationships.

It was my work in CPS that led me to realized the overlay of all abuse and neglect is rejection – and how fear of rejection continues throughout their lives and how trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.”

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. There are 16 categories. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 48 in some states!

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

Too often I knew about tweens and teens who became desperate to escape the abuse or neglect at home. So they became runaways and lived on the streets. Sometimes they were trafficked. Often the young girls became pregnant.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about their unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation.

 

Sometimes the only way to be sure we were protecting a child was by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable, willing relative, placing the child in foster care.

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm or sometimes an appropriate recovery program.

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

When caretakers could not provide a safe environment for their children, the children were often placed in foster care homes and eventually long-term foster care.

 

When I was a Long-term Placement Social Worker and was visiting residential facilities, sometimes I came across some of the same children I had removed years before!

 

Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because it still wasn't safe for them to return home.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: Now with safe abortion being repealed as an option what’s going to happen to the children?

When mothers, who for their own good reasons do not want to bring a child into this world at this time, are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments, with appropriate health care and sufficient nutrition?

How can we be sure these babies will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

And then there is the resentment that  grows and grows. Back in the pre-Roe days when delivering a baby was the only allowable choice, there may not have been obvious neglect or abuse of unwanted children, however there was often resentment permeating lives of families I knew.

I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. Or when the birth of that child interfered with educational or professional dreams.

And too often I saw the stresses of expecting a new baby leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra emotional and financial pressure on family members.

And the present system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be removed from the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

When Adoption is Accompanied By Overwhelming Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment

Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice. 

And there certainly would be a bunch of money to be made for folks in the adoption business.

Sometimes I even find myself wondering if adoption might be a 'follow the money' reason for some people to encourage births of unplanned for and unwanted children.

Have you heard how some state legislators are trying to limit abortion from the moment of conception?  And by the way, considering banning most or all forms of contraception?

Would this mean more full-term pregnancies and more babies available for adoption?

Let's try to be aware that there are many emotional considerations regarding adoption. Considerations which would need to be carefully considered in each situation.

For example, the feelings Andrea Ross expresses so well in Huff Post:  'I Was Adopted Before Roe v. Wade. I Wish My Mother Had Been Given A Choice' 

She points out:  "Psychology research shows that women who relinquish their children frequently exhibit signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. And children who have been relinquished frequently develop relinquishment trauma ― a kind of trauma that 'changes an individual’s brain chemistry and functioning ... and can elevate adrenaline and cortisol and lower serotonin resulting in adoptees feeling hypervigilant, anxious, and depressed.' "

Because my work as a therapist focuses on perceived experiences of rejection, I have heard hundreds of stories over the decades from teen and adult clients who, although they love their adoptive parents, have struggled mightily with feeling abandoned by their birth parent(s).

And stories from the other side too: The lasting guilt often felt at giving up a child.

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

First-hand stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate and dangerous times before Roe. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were intentionally falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using coat hangers to try to induce an abortion.

Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but most of us are aware there were way too many botched back-alley needless deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again as more and more states are in the process of deciding we have to go backwards to that dark place.

On a personal level I feel that with the Supreme Court ruling my sense of privacy and security have been tampered with.

That my personal freedom has been violated.

And that, as a woman, I don’t count as a human being on this planet.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

One more important thought: Clearly lots children who are traumatized develop the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

However, studies show :

– The pain of having experienced parental rejection during childhood frequently extends into adulthood;

– Those who suffered parental rejection in childhood tend to develop difficulties forming trusting relationships in adulthood;

– Neurological studies suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain as does physical pain.

Studies also show a connection between childhood rejection, abuse and neglect and juvenile or adult incarceration.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection, a type of shame – affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

Several years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was based on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally.

This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

My book ‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several of the men one by one came up after class and confided:

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

So my question is: with these recent moves in many states to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly down the road even be charged with a criminal offense themselves?

Some of you may recognize parts of this blog from one I wrote a few years ago. With the recent repeal of Roe I really needed to express these concerns again.     

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Tip-toeing Through Thanksgiving

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I wrote my first Thanksgiving Survival blog November 2007. That year I described how the stressful times we live in contributed to acrimony at  the table.
 
The know-it-all uncle who always has to always be  right or the aunt who loves to tease and embarrass someone are again guests at the  table.

 

Over the years I would describe these kinds of unpleasant exchanges with right-on observations and  clever humor.

 

Things aren’t so funny anymore . . .

 

Back in 2017 I wrote:

“Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious –– especially in stressful times.

“Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

“How can you best stay calm when folks around 
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact, 
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.”

 

Oh, man. How naïve I was back then about the ravages of stress. Covid has produced even more unrelenting uncertainty, fears for personal safety and security, and for some of us, even a sense of alarm.

 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe – and here in California the smoky air from months of fires this last year didn’t help matters.

 

So grateful to have my room air purifier!

 

So here comes Thanksgiving again . . .

Thinking positive thoughts of gratitude could be a difficult thing to do while sitting at the dinner table with relatives who have much different ideas about masks or vaccinations or inflation or ballot recounts or immigration or social justice or protests or riots or guns and rifles or climate change or universal pre-K or women’s right to choose or voting rights or infrastructure or childcare or subpoenas and indictments or various trials.

 

So much intensity and bitterness and everybody seems to be ready to pick a fight, needing to be right – and to make everybody else ‘and wrong and bad.’

 

Are there any topics you feel safe talking about?

 

So let’s prepare ourselves in case there is discord at the table. Here are a few ideas and options I’ve offered over the last 15 years and maybe some new ones too.

 

Uncle George is at the table again. Lately he has been more blustery and obnoxious then ever before. In the past you’ve been embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to be heard above his rants and to make your point.

 

So how do you handle him this year?

- Remind yourself he tries to ‘bait’ you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’

 

• Imagine you are watching family members as characters in Theatre of the Absurd

It usually helps is to take a step back, reminding yourself that observing the drama of your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd.

 

Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes and dialogue sound surreal.

 

Maybe by creating a little distance you might even find them somewhat entertaining in their weirdness.

 

Using this observational perspective about the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to protect from hurt feelings and to not take things so personally.

 

• Stay aware of appropriate personal boundaries when the other person transgresses your emotional or physical boundaries.

From Breathing Room

“Having good 
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our 
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space 
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person 
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

 

You may want to set your own safety rules around hugs and kisses because of Covid, and its OK to say “I need you to respect my safety requests here.

 

• Try to be mindful of your thoughts, words and reactions and remind yourself you can make choices about how you respond.

You may have heard this from me before: walk alongside yourself, and mindfully notice your thoughts and feelings and reactions. (Mindful means ‘without judgment’!). 

 

Recognizing and ‘naming’ our thoughts and feelings helps to avoid getting swept up in the moment, slows down the intensity and helps you identify your options for responding.

 

If we can’t recognize it, if it’s a blindspot, we can’t make the choice to change it. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for seeing our options for how we respond. 

 

Just because we disagree with someone, doesn’t mean we have to argue or force our point of view.

 

Can you listen respectfully, without interrupting or arguing or rolling your eyes. If someone feels dissed by your words, tone or attitude, they might overreact and that’s when things get out of control.

 

And speaking of respect. Here’s a tip I have offered for decades in my workshops and to therapy and workplace consulting clients for dealing with toxic bosses or colleagues:

 

Since infancy we look into someone’s eyes hoping to find validation and respect. So we are quick to recognize it and respond positively (and quick to respond negatively if we feel rejected – disrespected or dismissed.

 

• Turning negative energy into a respectful, positive conversation

I suggest trying to employ the concept of reciprocity to encourage an exchange of positive, respectful energy between you and the other person.

 

Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the behavior of the other.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Can you find something to like or appreciate about the person you are talking with? This can be a real attribute you find likeable or it can be something more subtle like their smile, their choice of colors, their hair style, their laugh. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with something.

 

Then focus on that feature while you are interacting. They will see respect in your eyes and almost always respond the same to you!

 

• Strategize escape routes if things start getting off track

– Excuse yourself from the table and walk yourself into the bathroom for a few minutes, close the door and breath deeply.

– Walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water or to help out the host.

– Make a deal with yourself before the dinner that you will give yourself permission to leave early if you are feeling too stressed and upset. Plan out beforehand your excuse for leaving.

 

• And the best survival tactic is to not take things so personally – it’s probably not really about you!

Aunt Judy will be at the table this year too. You have always dreaded her unrelenting obnoxious comments that make you want to crawl under the table and disappear when she broadcasts stories about your childhood insecurities: “You always were too sensitive.”

 

Try being direct about her boundary transgressions: “Aunt Judy, in celebrating this time of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories about me.”

 

Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others..

 

Can you remind yourself that her snide comments to you are most likely reflections of her own insecurities that she is projecting onto you.

 

Can you remind yourself that it’s probably not about you can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in awkward and unsettling situations. Someone’s judgments, criticisms or accusations might only be their projection onto you of their own unacceptable and disowned parts of themselves.

 

These unacknowledged feelings can include
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, 
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency."

 

Keep reminding yourself these kinds of criticisms are really about the other person – not about you – so try not to take it personally!

 

• Remind yourself not get pulled in when the fisherman throws out bait by their teasing, accusations, mean-spiritedness, or cluelessness.

Can you choose not to be the fish that bites the bait?

 

In my 2015 Thanksgiving blog I wrote this quote from Master Yoda:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

 

Would you agree the meaning is so much more profound today?

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates this holiday . . . and wishing everyone a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation – wherever you reside in the world . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded . . .

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                                © Can Stock Photo - McIninch                                                                                

 

When I was little I played with my daddy’s gun.

 

I’d pull the stool from the vanity over to the dresser so I could reach the top drawer and then reach under clothing for the gun. Luckily there was never a bullet in a chamber – but there could have been. 

 

I know now this is how unintentional shootings happen.

 

I felt perfectly comfortable with the gun. It was many years before I started becoming upset by the memory of this as I was reading story after story about children playing with guns and shooting themselves or someone else.  

 

It was then that I began to understand how dangerous it could have been.  I realized these unintended shootings happened when a supposedly responsible adult forgot to empty all the chambers AND  forgot to secure the gun in locked location –– then a child got killed or injured. 

 

I Cringe from These Tragedies 

I cringe each time I hear about these unintentional shootings by and of a child. 

I know it’s a PTSD visceral response for me whenever I read about one of these senseless deaths or injuries. I’m reminded, “It could have been me.” 

I have been reacting to these ‘accident’ stories for years, but I’ve never written about my feelings until now. 

 

Most shootings by children are shootings of children 

Yes, most shootings by children are shootings of children, a young sibling or a cousin or a playmate.  However, sometimes a child shoots an uncle or aunt. Sometimes a parent – or even both parents.

 

Sometimes they unintentionally shoot themselves in the head or heart and die. 

 

They find the guns in closets and nightstand drawers and backpacks or purses, or just left out in plain sight.

 

Recently many of us were aghast when a toddler in his Florida house found an unsecured gun and shot and killed his mother while she was on a video call with co-workers. Her colleagues witnessed the shooting and called 911. 

 

Seem to be happening as well at children’s birthday parties. Imagine the traumatic memories each of these children will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

 

I’m a great believer in giving overwhelming feelings some form and shape and I discovered a website that keeps track of unintentional shootings of children by children. 

Everytown Research and Policy  

 https://everytownresearch.org/report/notanaccident/

 

In 2021 there were at least 288 unintentional shootings by children, resulting in 118 deaths and 185 injuries nationally. 

 

• Shootings by children are most often also shootings of children. Ninety-one percent of those injured or killed in unintentional shootings by children were also under 18.

 

• Seven in ten of the unintentional child shootings occurred in homes, whether in the home of the shooter, the victim, a relative’s house, or another home. Unintentional shootings occurred most frequently when children were likely to be home: over the weekend, in the summer, and during school holidays. 

 

• The two age groups most likely to be both shooters and victims were teenagers 14 to 17 first, and then preschoolers five and younger. 

 

• The 10 states with the highest rates of injury and death as a result of unintentional child shootings had rates more than 12 times higher than the 10 states with the lowest rates.

 

• States with secure storage or child access prevention laws had the lowest rates of injury or death from unintentional child shootings. Rates of death or injury from these shootings in states with no secure storage laws were double to triple the rates in states with laws that hold gun owners accountable when children can or do access an unsecured gun.

https://everytownresearch.org/maps/notanaccident/

 

As I stated above, I”ve been wanting to write down my feelings about children having access to guns for several years. Interestingly what prompted me right now was reading about another senseless horrific unintentional killing.  When Alec Baldwin, practicing drawing his prop gun, shot and killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins and wounded director, Joel Souza on the ‘Rust’ movie set. The supposedly "cold" gun handed to Baldwin for practice had a real bullet in the chamber.

 

What was especially disturbing is a report describing how a number of crew members had taken prop guns from the movie set of ‘Rust’ — including the gun that killed Halyna Hutchins — to go “plinking” to pass the time a few hours before the unintentional shooting.  I grew up in Nebraska knowing about this activity where folks shot beer cans off of a fence with live ammunition for fun­­ –– but I’ve never heard the term ‘plinking’ before.  Have you?

https://www.yahoo.com/now/rust-shooting-gun-killed-halyna-210815754.html

 

I grew up hearing the song 'I Didn’t Know the Gun Was Loaded' and didn’t think much about it –– until recently –– and now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

 

I’d be grateful if some of you would discuss your own ideas on accidental shootings by children. Having these conversations would be really helpful for me. And maybe for you too.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

      

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

And on to Another Year . . .

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© makasanaphoto - Can Stock Photo Inc.

 

 

This is the 14th year of my blog and I’ve had a chance to share with you countless observations about  holidays and family get-togethers. And  each year get to wish you a Happy New Year.

 

So I’m wanting  to present an overview of these ideas. And I'm including the New Years blog from a year ago – yes, the one where I was awaiting new possibilities.

I just reread it and I’m remembering how I felt so full of hope as I wrote this blog.

 

Certainly for most of us, our Thanksgivings and Holiday celebrations are very different this year because of the scariness of Co-vid, sheltering-in-place, our  economy with so many business closing, and the cloud of uncertainty hanging over us.

 

And for many families there was sadly the empty seat at the table. A year ago who would have dreamed that most of us would be depending on Zoom as we attempt to celebrate memorials, rites-of-passage and holidays.

 

Wow, what a roller coaster ride year this has been!  I fully realized the power of this when I was shopping for Holiday Cards.

 

The usually comforting words “Happy,“ “Joyous,” “Merry,” somehow seemed out of place for me this year. I finally settled on wishing “Peace.”

 

Is this just me? Has anyone else experienced this?

 

Below are reflections on some  emotions, experiences, impressions, disappointments and gratitude that I’ve shared with you over the years. Yes, and some great tips as well.

 

My previous descriptions of family divisiveness, intensity of feelings  and degree of confrontations has surely increased multi-fold for many of our families as the world seems to have become more polarized.

 

So I invite you to take what you can from this sampling of holiday blogs from the last 14 years.

Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings  ––  December 2007

 

Are Your Holiday Gatherings Theatre of the Absurd? –– November 2013

 

Those After-Holiday-Let-downs –– December 2014

 

Happy New Decade - Welcoming New Possibilities 2020 ––  December 2019

 

And you can find the full archived listings on the right side of the www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com  blog,

 

Wishing you a New Year full of Light, Hope, Resilience, Security and Peace . . .

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Screaming in the Car Wash

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

The other day when nothing was going right I felt like I just needed to scream. So I headed to the car wash.

I’ve done this maybe two times over the years, but not in a long, long time.

I let out long, loud scream as my car was going through. It felt great!

 

Some folks run hard and feel a great release.

Some folks get relief by screaming into a pillow.

I’ve heard about to punching a pillow. Or even pounding a pillow with a baseball bat.

 

I opted for the car wash.

 

What brought me to this point was waking up to no wi-fi and no email. Both died over night – completely unrelated to each other!

I realized I had missed my GoDaddy deadline to renew my Outlook email account. Unlfortunately I had trusted their reminder that I had another week. Apparently not true and they stopped my emails.

The wi-fi decided on its own accord to stop working. Comcast and I restarted it with a new password.

But wait, there’s more: my CrashPlan cloud backup hadn’t been working and after contact with the help desk and many many many attempts at uninstalls and re-installs it still wasn’t working when everything else stopped that dreadful morning.

I was of course already feeling incredibly isolated from the world while sheltering in place since
mid-March. The thought of NO contact from my computer was more than I could bear.

And I completely lost it.

 

Bleary-eyed and Exhausted

My work with therapy clients these days focuses on helping to navigate fears and uncertainties. This means long, blurry-eyed hours at the computer because we are seeing everyone remotely now.

I really miss the energy that used to be in the room when we were working face-to- face.
And seeing couples and families online takes a heap of concentration. I actually had been mostly using my iphone for these sessions while my laptop had been in and out of the shop for repair for two weeks.

Every colleague I talk to describes being absolutely exhausted at the end of each day.

Seems like every week on my list-serves there are announcements of new support groups forming for therapists!

You might say these changes have been taking a toll on us therapists.

For many decades as a Social Worker and as a therapist in private practice I’ve helped clients meet their challenges of extreme stress, anxiety and depression. Over the years I’ve offered some guidance and ideas on dealing. And together we would conjure up ways for calming the stress and releasing pent up energy.

And yes, I have in fact many times suggested the screaming-in-the-car-wash idea.

Here are a few that might be useful during the anxieties and constraints of the pandemic.

 

Ways for Calming Stress and Releasing Pent Up Energy

Putting words to it – writing thoughts down and reading it to yourself out loud. Yes, out loud makes it more powerful –– try it!

I've started doing yoga again via weekly Zoom instruction . . . and I love it. I'm reminded to do the alternate nostril breathing I learned many years ago. I'd forgotten how calming it can be!

Create a daily routine that involves movement, and when possible, exposure to natural light.

Physical exercise is great – running, hiking, online exercise videos or Zoom classes and  even dancing around the room. Have you tried taking a walk and breathing in the surrounding colors?

What about picking up some take-out including little treats and picnicking in a park, or a friend's garden, where you can stay a safe distance and enjoy in the air and sunshine.

Staying connected during this isolating time helps a lot. Think about a person who connection feels important. Ask yourself exactly how you know you were feeling connected to that person. What would work best for you . . . and for them?

https://store.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/d7/priv/sma14-4893.pdf

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/how-to-keep-daily-routine-during-covid19-shelter-in-place#Creating-a-daily-routine

A few months ago I blogged about Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space 

and there are a few ideas there as well.

So there are quite a few self-care options to choose from.Try Googling 'self-care during the pandemic.'

 

And on that morning I was so upset, I chose screaming in the car wash. It felt terrific!

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Loyalty and Betrayal and the Generational Family 'Ledger’

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / webking

So much news coming out of Washington about the extremely high value placed on loyalty and about administration appointees who are often seen as “not loyal enough,”

I’m noticing that clients are aware of this too, and the spotlight on loyalty and betrayal has been bringing up memories of childhood confusion about all this.

In graduate school I was introduced to a book that really helped me understand the workings of my family –– ’Invisible Loyalties’ by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy the founder of Contextual Family Therapy. I immediately recognized my own family in his descriptions of how loyalty/betrayal messages are transmitted through the generations.

He calls these generational transmissions ‘invisible loyalties’ and describes a ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.  

More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Boszormenyi-Nagy

Generational loyalty and betrayal have a huge effect on personal and workplace relationships. Especially giving and receiving trust and respect. This has been a focus of my work with both therapy and workplace clients and with several of my workshops.

I was entranced by Barry Levinson’s movie ‘Avalon’ the story of how a tight-knit family of five immigrant brothers living in East Baltimore becomes estranged when one member of the family deserts them and moves to the ‘suburbs.’

Rejection feelings of loyalty and betrayal take over. One brother complains he “can’t find the suburbs” and in fact he shows up very late for Thanksgiving dinner and becomes furious that the suburb family cut the turkey without him! To him that was disloyal not to wait. From that day on, the relationship is strained.

Another perceived disloyal act was when two sons ‘Americanize’ their last names from Krisinsky.

A sidebar: right next to where my dad is buried in Baltimore are headstones for the Krichinskys, KIrks and Levinsons — a family again in perpetuity.

Many of these generational messages are cultural. For example, certain ethnic groups expect the children to be independent and leave home, while others count on the adult children to stay nearby and be “on-call” to the needs of the family. Generationally Italian and Jewish families are considered to be examples of this. In fact, Jewish family connectedness is so powerful in many families that if there’s a perceived breach of commitment, a tendency exists to cut off all communication with that “disloyal” person.

(Ethnicity and Family Therapy (1996) by McGoldrick and Giordomo)

I’ve heard lots of stories from clients about similar hurt feelings, issues of fairness and resentments leading to estrangements and even disownings. Over the years much of my therapy practice has been focused on meeting with adult children and their parents or with adult siblings to work on misunderstandings that have been festering over many years.

Sometimes we hold ourselves back out of a sense of loyalty to a family member. Recently I met a therapist at a social event who explained she went back to school as an older adult to become a family therapist. And why did she wait so long? Well, turns out her father was a famous family therapist and the unspoken message was she would have to wait until after he died before joining the profession -–– otherwise it would have felt disloyal!

Similarly, I felt there was room for only one writer in my family, so without realizing it at the time, I didn’t write my first book until after my divorce.

Feeling ‘Let Down’ by Someone

Many of us feel let down by someone because we trust them and their behavior seems to betray that trust. These kinds of disappointments can feel like rejection.

When disloyalty and betrayal feelings pop up they can be overwhelming. It’s as if all the old gut reactions come flooding back again. It hurts. It can feel as if you are seven years old or twelve years old or sixteen again. And you react from that child place, that raw, hurting, child place. It’s as if you are frozen in time. If betrayal is your issue, you’ll most likely find yourself overreacting and wondering, “Where on earth did that feeling come from?”

The best way to try to deal with feelings of betrayal is to make some distance between you and the incident. Step back, take a breath, and remind yourself that even though at that moment you feel very young and defenseless, you are really an adult.

With a little distance from the feelings, you can actually respond in an adult manner. Yes, you can. But you have to be able to catch your breath and get some distance.

(From Breathing Room–Creating Space to Be a Couple)

It’s been interesting to watch loyalty and betrayal themes pop up out of D.C. so often.

Just recently there have again been frequent ruminations on

exactly who is Op-ed writer ‘Anonymous,” Who are the “Whistleblowers?” “Who leaked to that NYT or WaPo or WSJ journalist?”

In fact, the new White House Personnel Chief, John McEntee, has been instructed that his job is to focus on being on the lookout for and rooting out disloyal officials.

Brookings Institute statistics show that 53 out of 65 ‘A Team’ positions have turned over from January 2017. That’s 82%.

https://www.brookings.edu/research/tracking-turnover-in-the-trump-administration/

How many of these resigned positions are connected to feelings of unfairness?

How many dismissed positions are connected to suspicions of disloyalty?

As I become increasingly aware how many of us grew up with some sort of generational family messages about fairness, loyalty and betrayal, it makes me wonder what kind of ‘ledger’ the Trump family may have kept throughout the generations. And what ‘ledger’ is being maintained in the Trump White House.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Taking a Cue From UNO: No Politics Allowed!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

This year the UNO card deck changes colors to orange and purple, clearly stating:

“No red or blue cards means no taking sides!”

The pack is stamped “NONPARTISAN” hoping to reduce stress at family gatherings caused by political fighting. And just in case a cantankerous relative tries to start a political conversation the pack includes a 'VETO' card!

 

Every few years I blog about how to avoid hurt feelings on Thanksgiving. I used to use some humor, describing how family gatherings can seem like we are watching Theatre of the Absurd. I’ve had a good time poking fun at the Cast of Characters at the table.

 

Trouble is, I don’t find much humor these days in how people treat each other. Family gatherings are becoming more and more like a microcosm of our tension-laden, disrespectful and scary world: dismissiveness, arguments, hurt feelings, personal attacks, threats and sometimes even violence.

 

It’s frightening and makes me feel very vulnerable.

 

I’m hoping this year we can take a cue from UNO and stay away from political fighting at our family gatherings. Actually I’m writing this Thanksgiving blog with a plea: please make sure you feel safe in the presence of others. Please be careful about biting any political discussion bait that someone may throw out to you and about unwittingly baiting a relative with your own political observations.

 

Someone could get hurt. It used to be mostly hurt feelings but lately it seems like too often physical harm happens too.

 

Does it seem to you that this year stress is higher than in the past. Reports of interactions between world leaders and elected officials describe out-of-control anger, raging, lashing out, bullying, dismissiveness, contempt, ridicule, mockery, derision, and taunting. And this year there have been accusations of bribery, extortion, and even threats of ‘insurance policies.’ Am I the only one who thinks that could mean blackmail?

 

I’d like to see elected officials model some amount of respectful and ethical behavior instead of disrespect and deception.

 

I find this behavior especially scary because it gives permission to the rest of us to act badly.

 

Politicized and Polarized

 

Family dynamics often replicate global attitudes and actions. too often they can bring up fear. And fear often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. And we feel especially vulnerable to the scariness ‘out there.’

 

Defending against this fear can make us more polarized than ever. It becomes Us vs. Them. Good vs. Bad. Seems like too many people have a strong need to make everyone else ‘Bad’ and ‘Wrong.’

Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Distrust permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. In any relationship, Trust is pretty important and it seems to be disintegrating.

 

Will this have an effect on our Thanksgiving gatherings?


Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

 

The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one. 

Uncle John is a great example of obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had an extra drink or two. That’s when his political rants are not just annoying. In his determination to be right at any cost, his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful.

 

And he loves to bait other guests into arguing with him. He pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed as you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

 

So how do you handle him?

- Keep reminding yourself he’s baiting you and you have a choice not to bite.

– It helps to have a rehearsed response in case you get flustered. Be direct. Something like: "Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you."

 

Pass the Rejection, Please



 

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were a little kid. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You just want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she loves getting a charge out of you, not showing reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


– Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are usually feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

– Try being direct with her: “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, I would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.”



– Instead of imagining crawling under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walking into the bathroom and closing the door and regaining your composure.


 

Watching the Cast of Characters in Theatre of the Absurd



 

This is where it helps to imagine stepping back as if you are watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes seem surreal. Actually by imagining yourself as the audience observing the weirdness of this cast of characters you can create a safe space for yourself in the midst of all the crazy-making goings-on.

Employing this perspective can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally. And hopefully to not get so angry or over-reactive to their stupid comments.


 

Opt-In to Time-Outs 



 

Here are some good ways to try to take care of yourself:

– Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a needed ‘Time Out.’

– Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you probably felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

– One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

– In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

– At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely not about you. It’s a good guess that other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.

 

Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

– By the way, if you really need to check your calls on your device, some relatives might feel offended, so walking into the bathroom to check you can avoid ruffling feathers.

– Here is a strategy that works really well: Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.


 

Planning a Quick Get-Away

 

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more planning.

 

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.


 

It’s Not About You!

 

It’s worth a trip to the bathroom to clear your mind and make the space to remind yourself it’s probably not about you.

 

It helps to ask yourself:

Am I taking this personally? How?

Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”? **

** (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

This can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting and hurtful environments. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


 

Do you have a story or two to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them? 

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the 
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com


 

Note: Parts of this blog are borrowed from previous Thanksgiving blogs I’ve written over the years and from Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

About the new UNO cards

Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword

 

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / artursz

Sure I know you’re most likely completely over-saturated by all the gossipy stories on the Royals. And yet, attention to these centuries old Royal ways gives us an opportunity to recognize how family traditions and different styles of doing things can cause confusion and family tension.

And these almost daily media reports give me an a fantastic opportunity to write to write about how these kinds of misunderstandings can easily lead to hurt feelings and taking things personally.

Clients are telling me that they are experiencing some of the same experiences as the Royals. When we get right down to it, different styles of thinking, doing things and behaving seems to be the culprit in so many family misunderstandings.

The problem areas are usually generational or gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• allowing empathy and understanding of the experiences of others
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

As you can imagine, gift-giving is an especially hot topic - lots more on this below.

The Royals seem to try to avoid holiday problems by wrapping themselves in tradition and protocol, resolutely sticking to the way they’ve done things for centuries.

For example they do not invite in-laws to Christmas dinner – only the Royal family and their spouse and the children. This means the families of spouses are never invited!

This tradition and the ones that follow are described in colorful detail by the Evening Standard. The headline of course dishes on the Meghan Markle angle, yet the descriptions are wonderfully informative. (See link below.)

The Evening Standard says it so well: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever.”

Here are some highlights:

All guests spending the holiday with the Queen and Prince Philip at the Queen's Sandringham Estate are told in what order they are to arrive and exactly at what time.

Instead of opening presents on Christmas Day, the Royal Family exchanges gifts on Christmas Eve in the Red Drawing Room during tea time. The present-giving is presided over by Prince Philip. Cheap and joke gifts are encouraged.

Dinner requires a black tie dress code.

Christmas Day begins with a downstairs “fry-up breakfast” for the male members of the family (for those of us across the pond this includes bacon, fried, poached or scrambled eggs, fried or grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms, fried bread or buttered toast, and sausages.) Most of the women have something lighter brought up to their rooms. 

The family then walks to St. Mary Magdalene church on the grounds of Sandringham Estate at 11am for the Christmas morning service.

After church, the family sits down for Christmas lunch. It sounds like the menu is pretty much the same every year: salad with shrimp or lobster followed by roasted turkey, and side dishes of parsnips, carrots, Brussels sprouts. Dessert is Christmas pudding with brandy butter.

One more important tradition: Royal Family members are traditionally weighed on a pair of antique scales before and after their Christmas dinner dating back to King Edward VII. I can’t help but wonder if there is someone whose job it is to announce each person’s weight out loud!

A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever!

Respecting Style Differences and Not Feeling Threatened By Them

The Evening Standard’s observation is worth repeating: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into,”

Celebrating holidays can be stressful for most of us — we all grew up in different families with different ways of doing things. Some of us may even feel disloyal to our own families if we adopt the ‘ways’ of our partner.

Each family has been influenced by culture, gender, ethnicity, race and nationality. Even by the area of the country and the city and the neighborhood we grew up in.

Each family absorbs rules and roles and attitudes and values and beliefs and expectations and traditions passed down through the generations. Unfortunately too often each person has a “this is how we’ve always done it in my family” stance which translates to “my way is better than your way.”

I often help couples develop respectful strategies for navigating these problems. One way is by coaching young families in creating ways to create their own traditions around Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years and other holidays important to them.

They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents, whether to decorate or not, whether to open presents Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning.

I just heard this story about the first Christmas morning with in-laws. “I came downstairs in my pajamas and robe like I always did with my own family, and my mother-in-law was all dressed up in her heavy makeup, jewelry and high heels!”

The Biggest Problem of All: Gift-giving and Receiving

Holidays and birthdays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something personally. Part of the problem is expecting someone will read your mind and then getting disappointed.

It goes back to being a little kid and having your heart set on that certain doll or fire truck or game. Some of us have never forgotten that sinking feeling when you do’t get it and the sadness of these childhood disappointments.

When any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of hurt that have stockpiled over the years.

And Disappointment Feels Like Rejection

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for or when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present. You know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait, maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hoping for.

And what if you happen to be the gift-giver? Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose. Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? Is their reaction what you were hoping for? What do you tell yourself?

Looking Toward Future Generations

I love working with couples toward:

• creating their own family traditions.

• finding ways to respect family and cultural style differences.

• adopting a partner's "ways" without feeling disloyal to your own family.

• managing gift-giving without hurt feelings.

• making a real attempt to have empathy and understanding for other’s experiences.

Being clear about needs and feelings helps a lot:

• Be clear and defined about knowing your needs and putting them out to your family. No one can read your mind and unrealistic expectations are a setup for disappointment.
• And if something upsets you, be clear about what it is. Too often we act out our feelings by pouting or sulking or freezing out the other person.

I’m hoping this discussion about differences in the personal styles and traditions of families encourages respecting and embracing these differences and not feeling so threatened by them. And I hope this perspective helps to create understanding and good will.

Happy New Year everyone!

Wishing you a year filled with peace, respect — and hope.     

Link:  Evening Standard: Royal Family Christmas traditions: How the Queen, Meghan Markle and the royals will be celebrating this year 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
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Facebook.com/elayne.savage

When a Parent Goes Missing – Bouncing From Security to Despair – Even Exploitation

By Elayne Savage, PhD 

 

© Can Stock Photo / Prazis     Composite by Elayne Savage

 

Like many others I 'm stunned and alarmed by the increasingly heartbreaking stories coming from our U.S. Southern border.

Maybe it’s because I’ve worked so many years with abandoned children and adults who continue to deal with childhood traumas, but I’m finding myself sensing an ominous cloud hovering over the children who have been separated from their parents.

My ominous feeling even overshadows how these children have been abandoned to pen-like structures in minimally adequate institutional quarters.

My feeling intensified after hearing how some children have been placed in Foster Care with strangers, scattered over various U.S. states including New York, Michigan and South Carolina.

Can you imagine the panic experienced by the children – and their parents?

My feeling grew even more intense with the discovery that babies and toddlers have been placed in three or more facilities named ‘Tender Age,’ where staff is unable to hold and comfort them because the rules say “No touching."

My fears spiked again upon learning that several administrators reported there are no procedures in place or even a database or functional tracking numbers for reuniting parents and their children. Now the Health and Human Services Secretary is lauding their capabilities: "with just basic keystrokes, within seconds (we) could find any child in our care for any parent."

So which statement is true? According to attorneys working with the parents, there are many unaccounted for children now scattered across the country.

Former director of ICE, John Sandweg, states “Once you separate those families, you run a serious risk that they’ll never see each other again.” This thought is so incredibly heartbreaking. How hopeless the children must feel!

Yet here and there some positive stories trickle into the news:

A mother and her 7-year old son were just reunited after she filed a federal lawsuit and her son was released into her custody. Earlier she was quoted as saying, "I call and call and no one will tell me where he is.”

One 5 year-old boy was finally released after being detained for 85 days. He was covered with lice and apparently not given a shower during his confinement.

A 20-month-old baby was released after 86 days in detention – how sad to realize that’s 1/7 ^th of his life!

And more good news – a Trump administration senior official claims about 522 of the more than 2,300 children separated from families have been reunited as of  June 20. According to HHS this leaves 2053 children still detained. HHS, however, has not yet provided a time line for the promised reunification of these children.

Yes, there was an executive order just signed by President Trump ruling that families crossing the border will still be arrested and prosecuted, and they will be confined together for an undetermined length of time, rather than having the children taken away.

These children will apparently be remaining for an unknown period of time in shelters and institutional detention facilities. Under the executive order they will keep waiting in custody, with reunifications only happening once the parents' deportation proceedings are completed.

And what happens to the children who are not receiving needed medications or medical attention? That is considered to be medical neglect.

And what about recent reports that parents are being deported before recovering their children? What happens to the children remaining here? Will their parents ever find them?

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abandonment

All my alarm bells go off and get louder as each day we hear professionals declaring this is child endangerment and emotional abuse and neglect.

I have learned a lot over the years about what happens to young children when they feel abandoned by their caretakers. I have learned about the damaging effects of abandonment from decades as a Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement Social Worker and as a psychotherapist in private practice. I understand how this kind of trauma leaves life-long imprints of fear and anxiety by disrupting the neural circuits in the brain.

I often blog about the effects of various types of abuse:

“Research shows that adrenaline and cortisol stress hormone levels are affected by fear or trauma and bring on a 'flight or fight or freeze' responses. What is the long term affect of these increased levels? And how do these spurts of adrenaline caused by anxiety result in depression, leading to even to more intense feelings of helplessness and overwhelm?

“The accompanying emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. These experiences will always determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.”

How will a child be able to trust again that they will be kept safe and secure? How can they trust that others will not hurt or abandon them?

And to be honest, my intense feelings about these children are personal as well. I’m having a visceral, PTSD-like reaction, most likely due to my own childhood traumatic abandonment experiences.

An impressive petition was sent out recently by Mental Health colleagues and is now also being signed by interested others. As mandated reporters of child abuse, neglect and endangerment, this group ’reported’ the transgressions connected with forcibly removing young children from their parents.

“We would like you to remember what it feels like to be a child. To take a moment and remember how big and sometimes scary the world felt and how, if you were lucky, the adults in your life represented security and safety. We want you to remember what little say you had over what you did and what happened to you and that even though this was frustrating, some part of you trusted that your parents knew what was best for you. And that your physical and psychological survival depended on them.”

Here is the link to the petition and the original letter (written in early June and the number of children has increased 3x)

https://childsworldamerica.org/stop-border-separation/

I’ve heard so many horrific stories regarding these infants, toddlers and children, yet I sensed something bigger and even more unsettling was nagging at me. I finally figured it out when I heard Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen accuse traffickers of using children as pawns, When she said the word “trafficking” I immediately realized my great fear for these children may be of eventual exploitation.

Realizing that many of these impounded children may never be able to reunite with their parents because of shoddy paperwork, misidentifying information and missing records, they may end up staying indefinitely in the ‘system’ which is not prepared to handle the numbers.

Some of these children may further fall through the cracks and even end up exploited by human traffickers. Someone this $32 billion-a-year industry will figure out there is money to be made from these children.

When I was a member of the Psychological Maltreatment Task Force of the American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (APSAC) 30 years ago, we designated ‘Exploiting/Corrupting’ as a specific category of child maltreatment.

So let’s talk about this aspect of exploitation that no one wants to talk about.

Human trafficking, in fact, occupies a prominent place on the Department of Homeland Security website.

DHS defines Human Trafficking as:

• Sex Trafficking
• Forced Labor
• Domestic Servitude

DHS makes an impressive effort to educate and warn, and yet they may actually be setting up a situation with these children where trafficking could proliferate.

 

If You ‘Follow the Money’ It Might Even Lead to Exploitation and Child Trafficking

We already know that there has been much money made by corporations exploiting the children by providing  shelter, flimsy blankets, tents, and transportation to the children separated from their parents border. And so far they have been unable to keep the children safe as we continue to learn about sexual, physical and emotional abuse in the shelters. 


What about another kind of exploitation of  children where the government has deported or 'lost' their parents : Human Trafficking.

According to the Department of Homeland Security’s website, Human Trafficking is on the rise: 

https://www.dhs.gov/sites/default/files/publications/blue-campaign/BC%20inserts%20intro.pdf

Trafficking of children is defined as the "recruitment, transportation, transfer, harboring, and/or receipt" of a child for the purpose of slavery, forced labor and exploitation.

Children may also be trafficked for the purpose of adoption.”   

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trafficking_of_children

Let's play that last one again: "Children may also be trafficked for the purpose of adoption."

Might money be made by putting the ‘Tender Age’ youngest and most desirable of these babies and toddlers up for adoption?  I've been having surreal visions of endless processions of prospective adoptive parents touring the “Tender Age” nursery.

Is there money to be made by arranging forced labor or domestic servitude of the older children? Over 200 million children are engaged in forced child labor.

http://www.ilo.org/global/topics/child-labour/lang--en/index.htm

And what about the already high incidence of child pornography and prostitution in this country? Are there people who might make money here? According to DHS statistics 300,000 Americans under 18 are lured into the commercial sex trade every year. What a frightening statistic.

As a mental health professional I’ve been paying close attention for decades to human trafficking statistics and stories. I’m well aware of the alarming incidence of human trafficking (50%) involving children.                                                                              

Over the years I’ve talked with children rescued from trafficking and with adults still recovering from the trauma of being trafficked as children.

The statistics are staggering and there is much to educate ourselves about . . .

https://www.dhs.gov/blue-campaign/what-human-trafficking?utm_source=google.com&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=sitelink%7C1040081736&utm_content=adgroup%7C51201243975&utm_term=3034505603

The U.S. State Department issued a 254 page Human Trafficking report in 2017: https://www.state.gov/documents/organization/271339.pdf

One of my favorite resources is The Polaris Project which offers education and support: https://www.polarisproject.org/human-trafficking

 Yes, there could be lots of nefarious ways to exploit these thousands of children separated from their parents. However they are already being exploited by the tens of millions of dollars being paid to companies and nonprofit groups for shelters and transportation. And the longer they languish in these facilities, the more money is paid out. Someone is getting very rich.

Stay Connected

There are lots of ways to stay connected to the organizations that are mobilizing to help these children and their parents reunite.

RAICES (https://www.raicestexas.org/) the largest immigration legal services provider in Texas, provided free and low-cost legal services to immigrant children, families, and refugees

And through RAICES there is also the LEAF PROJECT: donations provide legal representation and advocacy for unaccompanied children, which dramatically increase odds of a successful asylum claim and reduce vulnerability to abuse: https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/leafund

The Texas Tribune has a comprehensive list or resources:

https://www.texastribune.org/2018/06/18/heres-list-organizations-are-mobilizing-help-separated-immigrant-child/

These are a good start although every day I've been receiving additional links on ways to help out.

To me, the thought of the emotional struggles these children will be encountering the rest of their lives from the trauma of separation is just staggering.

I’m wondering if you have thoughts to share as well?

 

You may be interested in my follow-up blog on exploitation of migrant children:

When Children Are Exploited By Our Government

Update notes:

6/29/18

I started writing this blog about abandonment and exploitation a couple of weeks ago. I kept delaying publishing it because the news was changing daily and it was hard to keep up.

Now I see the 2018 State Department Trafficking in Persons Report describes the connection between child institutionalization and human trafficking:

Child Institutionalization and HumanTrafficking

"The international community agrees that a family caregiving setting, or an alternative solution that is appropriate and culturally sensitive, is the most conducive environment for the growth, well-being, and safety of children. Removal of a child from the family should only be considered as a temporary, last resort. Studies have found that both private and government-run residential institutions for children, or places such as orphanages and psychiatric wards that do not offer a family-based setting, cannot replicate the emotional companionship and attention found in family environments that are prerequisites to healthy cognitive development. Yet, about eight million children worldwide live in these facilities, even though an estimated 80 to 90 percent of them have at least one living parent. The physical and psychological effects of staying in residential institutions, combined with societal isolation and often subpar regulatory oversight by governments, place these children in situations of heightened vulnerability to human trafficking."

And isn't this exactly what we are doing? Removing children from their parents and placing them in institutional facilities - in some cases it will most likely be indefinitely.

 

7/5/18

Today it was announced by Health and Human Services that the number of detained children is close to 3,000 including  100 children under the age of 5. A day ago the announced number was just over 2,000. What will we learn next?

HHS announces they will comply with the court imposed deadline for reunification by swabbing cheeks for DNA testing. The deadline is July 10, all children under 5 have to be reunited. By 7/26 for all the children over age of 5.

And news outlets have been reporting that parents will be reunited with their children only if they give up claims for asylum and agree to deportation with their children.

 

2/27/19   This just in from NPR:

Sexual Assault Of Detained Migrant Children Reported In The Thousands Since 2015

In each of the past four years, 1,000 or more immigrant children who arrived at the southern U.S. border without their parents have reported being sexually abused while in government custody, according to federal records released Tuesday.

The data from the Department of Health and Human Services was made public by Rep. Ted Deutch, D-Fla., before a congressional hearing on the Trump administration's policy of separating migrant families.

https://www.npr.org/2019/02/26/698397631/sexual-assault-of-detained-migrant-children-reported-in-the-thousands-since-2015?ft=nprml&f=1001

 

6/20/19  And another:

Are US child migrant detainees entitled to soap and beds?

DOJ attorney Sarah Fabian says migrant children do not need soap or toothbrushes and  Circuit Judge William Fletcher questioned the government's reasoning.

"Are you arguing seriously that you do not read the agreement as requiring you to do anything other than what I just described: cold all night long, lights on all night long, sleeping on concrete and you've got an aluminum foil blanket?"

He added that it was "inconceivable" that the government would describe those conditions as "safe and sanitary".

Imagine! It has been reported there is no soap, toothbrushes, blankets, clean clothes, showers or even diapers for these detained children.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-48710432

 

6/21/19   And now this:

4 Severely Ill Migrant Toddlers Hospitalized After Lawyers Visit Border Patrol Facility

Four toddlers were so severely ill and neglected at a U.S. Border Patrol facility in McAllen, Texas, that lawyers forced the government to hospitalize them last week.

The children, all under age 3 with teenage mothers or guardians, were feverish, coughing, vomiting and had diarrhea. Some of the toddlers and infants were refusing to eat or drink. One 2-year-old’s eyes were rolled back in her head, and she was “completely unresponsive.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/four-severely-ill-migrant-babies-hospitalized-after-lawyers-visited-border-patrol-facility_n_5d0d3bbce4b07ae90d9cfe4f

 

7/12/19   “...many separated children were kept in government custody far longer than previously known....”

“The Trump Administration’s child separations were more harmful, traumatic, and chaotic than previously known,” the rHouse Oversight Committee report said.

The report also found that “many separated children were kept in government custody far longer than previously known,” including 25 held for more than a year, more than 50 held for six months to a year and at least 679 held for 46 to 75 days.

The data covers the 2,648 children separated from their parents after the "zero tolerance" policy was announced in April of 2018. The data does not include "information about thousands of additional children separated" prior to April of last year.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/least-18-migrant-children-under-age-2-separated-parents-house-n1029271

 

8/16/19   And now we have yet another example of exploitation - reports of abuse of migrant children in foster homes . . . Can you imagine the amount of professional help these abandoned and even molested children are going to need for many years?

Claims: Migrant children molested in US-funded foster care

AP and PBS report:
After local Guatemalan officials burned down an environmental activist’s home, he decided to leave his village behind and flee to the United States, hoping he’d be granted asylum and his little boy, whose heart was failing, would receive lifesaving medical care.

But after crossing the border into Arizona in May of last year, Border Patrol agents tore the man’s 7-year-old son from his arms and sent the father nearly 2,000 miles (3,220 kilometers) away to a detention center in Georgia. The boy, now 8, went into a U.S.-funded foster home for migrant children in New York.

The father and son are among dozens of families — separated at the border as part of the Trump administration’s zero tolerance policy — who are now preparing to sue the federal government, including several who say their young children were sexually, physically or emotionally abused in federally funded foster care.

The Guatemalan father, now living in Southern California, is still struggling to soothe his son’s lasting nightmares. He says his once talkative and outgoing third-grader is now withdrawn and frequently says he wants to leave this world.

 

9/4/19  From USA Today:  According to the report from the Inspector General for the Department of Health and Human Services migrant children who were separated from their parents at the U.S.-Mexican border under the Trump administration's "zero tolerance" policy suffered a wide range of mental trauma, including symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

The children, many of whom had already endured extreme mental and physical trauma in their home countries, were hit with a second round of distress when they were separated from their parents by U.S. officials.
Some of the diagnoses are; Acute stress, Anxiety & impulsivity•Adjustment disorder •Disorganized thinking•Major depressive disorder•Mood disorder•Panic disorder•Sleep disruption•Self-injurious behavior•Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)  Pages 31-32

Be sure and read my note about Congresswoman Jackie Speier's response to this blog . . . in the "comments" section.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Scariness of Unpredictability

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

The unpredictability and uncertainty coming out of Washington has been hugely unsettling for me. These eerily distressing behaviors throw me off balance. I worry I’m going to lose my footing, stumble and fall.

Then it dawned on me, “I experienced the same experience of disequilibrium growing up!”

My reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

There was an unspoken rule in my family: you couldn’t say you were angry, but you could act “crazy,” throwing tantrums, ranting or raging. As I often observe in my writing and workshops: “If you don’t talk it out, you act it out.” Back then there was a shitload of acting out going on.

It’s not just me. I’m hearing comments and concerns from psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients about the how the unsettling behavior in Washington affects them. Especially those who grew up in alcoholic or abusive/neglectful families or in otherwise traumatic environments.

If you have ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you may know how it feels to have this fear and anxiety.

Sometimes it’s suddenly flying into a rage. Sometimes its a freezing out with long silences. Clients describe “walking on eggshells” or “tiptoeing through minefields,” dreading becoming the object of the fury just because they made a mistake or said the wrong thing .

 

Yep, Certainly ‘Certifiably Dysfunctional’

A woman I know labels these sorts of behaviors in her family “Certifiably Dysfunctional.”

The following observations are not intended to be partisan. This is happening throughout Washington from folks we would hope to look to as our models. For some of us, we had hoped to be able to look to family as models of stability and honesty and integrity. We had hoped to be taught appropriate behavior, limits and inner controls and to learn there are consequences for inappropriate behavior. We had hoped to be provided with a sense of security and safety. We had hoped to learn to trust. But we were often disappointed back then too.

Many clients are describing how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors by our President:

– steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
– bickering, accusations and high drama
– personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
– bullying and name-calling
– blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
– boundarylessness
– illogical thinking and flawed judgment
– fuzzy and confused communication
– self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
– blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
– crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen. This is often referred to as 'gaslighting.'
– deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
– making and taking back statements, promises and threats.

You may notice how many of these behaviors have a flavor being disrespectful, invalidating, dismissive, and belittling – all facets of rejection.

I have started and restarted this blog many times but have found writing it too painful — until now. It’s time to acknowledge my own uneasiness with these behaviors and my own gut reactions.

 

 The atmosphere in Washington makes me feel fearful and insecure. A sense of foreboding creeps in: When is the other shoe going to drop? When is some kind of disconcerting out-of-bounds behavior going to happen again – big time? My concern is not if something will happen, but when.

In Don’t Take It Personally!  I describe how fear and anxiety are constant companions to children who grow up in scary situations: “They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes. So they’re always holding their breath, waiting . . . this ever-present anxiety . . .becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships."

And this kind of re-experiencing follows many of us when we start to feel vulnerable.

 

It Ain't Much But It's Home

And yet, there is another aspect here to consider. Sometimes behavior is so familiar we sort of feel comfortable with it – but for all the wrong reasons. I’m thinking of a certain uncomfortable comfort level we may have around people with poor personal boundaries if we grew up in a family where boundaries were not respected. Or the familiarity and strange sort of comfort around people who have an undertone of anger if we grew up in a volatile household. Thankfully we usually catch on to the unhealthy attraction sooner or later.

I want to be able to trust that my best interests are being respected and that our government is capable of providing enough stability to establish a climate of safety and security.

Do you, too, have ideas or reactions about the messages and behaviors coming out of Washington? If there is something you’d like to add, you can contact me under ‘comments.’on the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com or by email: [email protected]

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Are Your Holiday Gatherings Theatre of the Absurd?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious, especially in stressful times.

Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

So here comes Thanksgiving 2017. How can you best stay calm when folks around
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact,
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in knock-down-drag out
battles and hurt feelings?

What works best for me is imagining I’m in the audience watching a Beckett
or Pirandello play – Theatre of the Absurd! These scenes are so surreal, by creating
some distance I find them entertaining in their weirdness.

This helps me keep my humor and a sense
of objectivity and I don’t take things so personally.

Some tips for getting through the Holidays:

•  Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
 using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
 one. It's almost comical.

    - Why not appreciate the humor in the situation, and try to laugh it off.
    - Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom—in control-self. Why would she
      change for the Holidays?”

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Uncle George is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to try to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.’”

Uncle George’s behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Judy’s unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. When she
sees your discomfort she goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she says in a loud whisper.You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

    - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
      slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
      situation.

    - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Judy when she shows even
      the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
      Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Judy’s behavior is a fine example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. Now he's making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

    - Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when you were
      small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

    - Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take it. You
      can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
      while you regain your composure.

    - Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
      effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a another good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

- Excuse yourself at the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be right back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate
about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, reciprocally he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking Time-Outs.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This "time-out" lets you be independent
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: Don’t Take It Personally! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you. People
project their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these
are blind spots and they're not aware of doing it. But it sure feels yuckyl

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Judy.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and sneers,
"You always were too sensitive," remind yourself that she's most likely talking
about her own feelings of being overly sensitive.

In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Judy
always took things so personally!"

This Feeling is Too Hot to Handle

More about projection: Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle.
Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself."

It's like moving your "stuff" into someone else's storage space --
for safekeeping.

Projection is a way of dealing with unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency.

If you want to read more about projection and personal boundaries, the
right side of my blog site has an archive by topic:
www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are usually not really about you. ‘


And here’s some good news: In a recent Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll nearly one-third of all adults will actively avoid political conversations when they see frie nds and family over the Thanksgiving and December holidays….About half said they do not expect to discuss politics at all!
Here is the PDF download of poll results and t he survey questionnaire: http://tmsnrt.rs/2zHx6Pd

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity to tell people we that appreciate them.
For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy, so sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason to express our gratitude.

© Elayne Savage, PhD


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 
 Whenever I want to duck and run for cover to escape all that toxic emotional debris out there, it helps to remind myself about the concept of 'isomorphism’ – where patterns repeat from one setting to another.

I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from Congress and the White House into our workplace and personal lives.

Perhaps you will be better able to understand why many of us feel so personally assaulted by the barrage of inappropriate behaviors.

Perhaps these ideas can be helpful to you as well in navigating difficult times.

 

Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, deflections, and the inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.

I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. And there seems to be more lying –– especially in the workplace. As if someone said it’s OK. Recently I blogged about my own reaction to alternative facts and lying.

A recent study by the Workplace Bullying Institute asked: How did the presidential and congressional elections of 2016 affect relationships in American workplaces? And 46% of Americans say that the brutish campaigns leading to the 2016 election did negatively impact the workplace.

And in June I blogged about my own embarrassing public temper tantrum, when I Totally Lost It! when I knew exactly what was getting triggered but chose to go ahead with my tirade anyway. Kind of like I had been given permission to exhibit out-of-control behavior.

Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual?

Could it be many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in the White House and Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.

What Is All This Mirroring About?

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out.

When attitude, character and temperament from the White House seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.
When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism.
When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of Congress and the White House, this is isomorphism.

And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.

Sudden Disappearances - They’re dropping like flies

And just as the White House has lost quite few cabinet members and appointees by firings and resignations, I’m hearing the same thing is happening in businesses and organizations.

There have been over two dozen early departures from the Trump Administration in these first eight months: six people were fired, several were ‘reassigned,’ one was ‘mutually agreed upon’ and one reason for leaving was ‘unclear.’

The disappearances include two different directors of communications, White House chief of staff, deputy White House chief of staff, special advisor to the president, chief strategist, the national security advisor, National Security Council Middle East advisor, National Security Council senior director for Western Hemisphere affairs, FBI director, Assistant press secretary, White House press secretary, White House director of communications, director of the Office of Government Ethics, deputy national security advisor, U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, White House chief usher, and the acting attorney general.

Wow. That's a big bunch of people!

Many of these positions lasted about 200 days or less! Five lasted less than a month. And all this during the first eight months of this Administration! As the saying says, “They’re dropping like flies.”

http://www.latimes.com/projects/la-na-pol-trump-firings-resignations/

In addition, about a dozen advisory council members resigned leading to the manufacturing council and the strategy and policy forum dissolving.

You may also be aware many State Department and Foreign Service diplomats have left including the undersecretary of state for management. There are three new State Department resignation announcements so far this week.

Will Secretary of State Rex Tillerson be leaving too, as rumored? According to Newsweek, ex-colleagues say the situation is being described as “chaos" and a "disaster."

http://www.newsweek.com/trump-tillerson-resignation-shakeup-state-department-chaos-644242

Watching this disarray happen across all of these venues leaves me with a feeling of insecurity and apprehension.
I’m hearing about chaos in businesses and organizations where there have been lots of resignations and replacements. in fact, I’m hearing how people are ‘disappearing’ at work. Overnight their desks are cleaned out and they are gone — sometimes without a chance for goodbye.

You can imagine how those of us sensitive to loss and abandonment might react to this!
Feelings of impermanence are scary for many of us. How will this affect us in both work and personal relationships?

When Isomorphism Hits Close to Home

Disarray and chaos seem to be mirrored in recent interactions of my local 700 member professional organization of therapists.

Recently several members of the Board of Directors resigned. And because of shockingly disrespectful name-calling and in-fighting behavior in meetings and on our list serve, we are losing members as well.

A ‘survey’ was sent to members via Survey Monkey asking about continued affiliation with our State organization. “We want your opinion. We're conducting a survey and your input would be appreciated. Thank you for your participation.” 

Can you imagine how surprised many of us were upon being told this was intended to be an actual vote? Actually the results were a tie but the Board of Directors proceeded anyway to make plans to separate from the state organization and start a new organization.

To be honest, I felt hoodwinked and wanted to see the Board members take responsibility, say they made a mistake in the wording, and do a re-do where members would be advised it is an actual vote to disaffiliate or not.

And to make matters worse in my view, the Board blamed the Survey Monkey confusion on the previous administrative assistant. What a reflection of the blame game going on in the Oval Office. Taylor Swift sums it up pretty well as the refrain repeats and repeats in her new single: “Look What You Made Me Do.”

When they decided not to redo the vote, anger bubbled up in the membership and the name-calling began. The atmosphere became disrespectful, polarized and toxic.

What is happening in my professional organization is a good example of how various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty.

I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives. And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest office in the land.

I know I would feel a lot more secure.

Do you have any of the experiences or reactions I’ve just described?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

I Really Hate Being Lied To!

Elayne Savage, PhD

 

When someone lies to me I get a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts.

I know much of my overreaction comes from stockpiling early experiences.

I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted.

Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were  given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer.

This is especially true for those of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things.

And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

I hated it when I was the one accused of lying: “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying!

How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated!
I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.

I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — it looked as good as store-bought.

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.”

I was stupefied. Then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her.

If our impressions are discounted often, we learn to discount ourselves as well.

Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”

I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”

I can remember how members of my family seemed to be blathering nonsense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to guess their meaning.

When I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention.

There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.

It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality.

As the Cheshire Cat said, “We’re all crazy here.”

And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience  –  complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts and gaslighting.

 

So, what exactly is gaslighting?

When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.

The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane.

Gaslighting has become a popular term used to describe techniques now prevalent in The White House and Congress.

According to Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include

saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth.

Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on.

"Gaslighting" has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.

Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

I really don’t like being fooled.

What if someone believes their own lies? Does repeating a lie make it appear true?

And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy?

And what if they believe their own lies, and when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.

Deceit, lying and compromised reality testing are included in several entries of the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5) of the American Psychiatric Association including:

The section on Delusional Disorder
characterized by:
False beliefs based on incorrect inference about external reality that persist despite the evidence to the contrary
 . . .

The section on The Ten Personality Disorders
characterized by:
Distorted thinking patterns
Problematic emotional responses
Over- or under-regulated impulse control
Interpersonal difficulties

Friedrich Nietzsche really nailed it: “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

 So sad.

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

More on Lying and Liars

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Holiday Recovery Editon

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Some of us may be recovering from too much eating or drinking and subsequent weigh-in shock. From what I’m hearing from therapy and consulting clients and colleagues, many of us are also recovering from the after-holiday letdown and a
variety of big and small disappointments.

Is This All There Is?

I totally missed Chanukah this year. It came and went so early. And Christmas and Kwanzaa flew by as well. And now the New Year has arrived –I'm still not at all sure where the old one went.

You know how it goes: after all the holiday hype the blahs creep up and start to take over, pushing out whatever good feelings might have existed. You may find yourself right in the middle of an after the holidays letdown.


And this time of year I’m aware of how my unrealistic expectations result in a downward disappointment spiral.  

I'm reminded of how my long-time struggle with dreaded rejection is really about my sensitivity to disappointments  

The Holidays offer great practice in dealing with the kind of disappointments
that feel like rejections. Examples are all around us.

When you feel disappointed you may give yourself all kinds of explanations:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"My mother's comment is so incredibly mean-spirited,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."

Can you see  how these are perceived messages of rejection can turn into self-rejection, feeling bad about yourself?

So let’s try to understand the source of this yearly letdown. I'm thinking if we understand it, we can do something about it.

The Culprits: Adrenaline Highs and Disappointment Lows

Let ’s start with the 'Adrenaline High' . . .

I remind myself of the emotional/physiological stress component - the rush of adrenaline.

There are, of course, the multitude of stressful situations we are exposed to daily. For example our time/money/relationship/
parenting/work pressures, not to mention the onslaught of disasters in the news.  Now add to this the craziness of preparing
for the Holidays.

To get through it all, our body calls upon stress hormones - adrenaline and cortisol.

This rush of adrenaline feels good for a while. We're on a "high" from this over exposure to the stress hormones.

But what happens once the excitement of the Holidays are over? The stress hormones in our system decrease because they are no longer needed. The over-exposure to the adrenaline and cortisol causes a 'letdown.' We get the after-Holiday-Blahs.

Aside from the crash after the adrenaline 'high,' let's look at other reasons for the 'letdown.'

For some of us, after-holiday letdown happens when inflated anticipations and expectations come crashing down. They end up in
a heap of disappointments and hurt feelings.

And regarding stressors, two of the biggest Holiday stressors are family get-togethers and gift-giving, both resulting in a heap
of disappointments and hurt feelings if our expectations are unrealistic.

Here are some snapshots of how it happens, how we react and some tips for dealing with it.

The Holiday Hype

You know how early those 'persuasive' ads start appearing. The purpose, of course, is to get you  ready for Great Holiday
Expectations.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the ads. We are expecting a picture-perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner with our family.

But it doesn't happen. Somebody does or says something that ruins it for you. Your TV commercial picture perfect vision quickly turns into one of Edvard Munch's Anxiety paintings. 'The Scream' comes to mind.

As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - not just the Holidays.

Here are some tips for handling family get-togethers . . .

OK, now on to another big source of Holiday disappointment -–– gift-giving.

Gift-giving Dilemmas and Tips

Truth be told, gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you  don't get what you hoped for.  And you try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

Read more about gift-giving dilemmas and tips . . .

 

And adding a little good humor . . .

Wishing each of you a peaceful and rejuvenating New Year!
Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Thanksgiving Tips - Handling Your Asinine Uncle (and Other Turkeys)

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for thoughts of gratitude and appreciation.

Yet, for some of us, Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of the Season of Stress.    

This year maybe more so, with world-wide terrorist attacks creating a sense of vulnerability.     

And our fear seems to make us more polarized than ever. Will this increased polarization have an effect on Thanksgiving gatherings?

 Politicized, Immobilized and Polarized

World-wide safety concerns are important to acknowledge. And when we’re being inundated with fear it often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. We feel afraid and vulnerable.

Where is the line between being realistic about the present world situation and excessively fueling fears?

It seems to me that much of the fueling and polarization comes from the media, politicians and presidential candidates issuing inflamed warnings and spreading fear in response to the recent terrorist attacks.

I just refreshed my understanding of various meanings of word ‘terror.’ One definition is: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country,

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. I know this is caused by the release of stress hormones, and I’m also aware that adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine can cause increased anxiety and depression.

What a vicious cycle we bring upon ourselves!

 

As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

(See the links below for more on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol.)

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

Family gatherings are often a replication of what goes on in the larger context of the world – especially in politics. The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one.

Uncle John is a great example of exhibiting obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had too much to drink. That’s when his baiting and political rants are rampant. In his need to be right at any cost his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful too.

And he pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

So how do you handle him?

- Remind yourself he’s baiting you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’”

Pass the Rejection, Please

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were little. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the
charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she likes to get a charge out of you, maybe trying not to show reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


- Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

–  Being direct with her about, “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.

- Instead of wanting to crawl under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walk into the bathroom and close the door while you regain your composure.

Watching the Cast of Characters in an Absurdist Play

Sometimes it helps to take a step back and remind yourself that watching your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes are surreal and maybe by creating little distance you can even find them entertaining in their weirdness.

Employing this perspective around the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally.

Opt-In to Time-Outs

Here are some effective ways to take care of yourself:

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to 
help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a ‘Time Out.’

- Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

- One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

    In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

    At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely about them and not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she 
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Planning a Quick Get-Away

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more strategizing.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.

It’s Not About You!

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.

Other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

Reminding yourself that it’s usually not about you, can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of  disconcerting environments.
You might say the take away here is: Don’t Take It Personally!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


More on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol:

Bombarded by Fear and Anxiety - How to Cope

Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear

Building Resilience/Managing Terror

Do you have a story to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them?

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Josh Duggar - Family Secrets and the Culture of Silence

By Elayne Savage PhD

Part of me wants the sensationalized part of the drama of Josh Duggar and the 19 Kids and Counting show to just go away. You’ve heard by now how 14 year old Josh Duggar repeatedly sexually molested five underage girls — some of whom were his sisters.

And yet, a part of me wants to see the story stay around long enough to bring attention to the downplayed and ignored aspects. I’m talking about the secrecy, silence, denial and most especially the failure of the parents to protect their young daughters by allowing the abuse to continue.

In this situation, it wasn't just a couple of children "playing doctor." And it did not go away – the nocturnal abuses on the daughters who where sleeping in the same room continued.

The Duggar family story gives us the opportunity to highlight two often overlooked problems: Juvenile-on-Juvenile molestations which account for over one third of child sexual abuse and the need for parents to be alert to what goes on in their household and protect their children.

Failure of Parents to Protect their Children

Josh’s nighttime inappropriate touching continued for at least a year after it was ‘discovered.’ Could his predatory behavior have continued for even longer?

I read where one of the sisters is still a minor. If this is true, doing some calculations she would have been 4 or 5 years old when he sexually molested her 13 years ago. The next oldest sister would have been about 8 at the time.

Wouldn't you say there is something very wrong about a 14 year old repeatedly initiating non-consensual fondling of minors as much as 10 years younger.

The Duggar parents say they first became aware that Josh’ was molesting the girls in March 2002. I find myself wondering how long the abuse had already been going on.  And it didn’t stop after discovery. A year later they learned he was still at it and had fondled a 5 year old while reading a book to her.

Why weren't the girls protected? How many years did he continue to molest after that?

The 'discovery' of Josh's sexual molestations occurred in the last months of Jim Bob's campaign for the U.S. Senate. Although he was in the  State Legislature, he lost his Senate bid in May, 2002. He ran for an Arkansas State Senate seat in 2006 and lost. Perhaps with so much attention to campaigning and recovering from these disappointing losses from 2002 to 2006, the children's welfare may not have received enough attention.

Given the family’s culture of silence, it’s not surprising it took a year to report the continuing abuse to the church Elders. It was decided Josh be sent off to a Christian treatment program in Little Rock “for hard labor and counseling.”

However, years later Mom Duggar admits to police there had really been no treatment program. Josh was actually sent to live with “a guy they knew in Little Rock who is remodeling a (Fundamentalist church-owned) building.”

There was no counseling, no real attempt to get help for their son and stop his inappropriate sexual behavior with minors.

When Josh returned home four months later, the Duggars and church Elders decided to tell an Arkansas State Trooper about the  sexual molestations. It is reported that Jim Bob Duggar knew this trooper personally. Could this decision be because they learned Josh was continuing to molest the girls?

And why did it take 16 months for Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to tell someone in authority?

The parents report the trooper, Corporal Joseph Hutchens, gave Josh a “stern talking to.” Unfortunately for the young girls who possibly were still being molested, Hutchens did not file a report with the Child Protection authorities. As a law enforcement officer he was mandated to report.

So who was this trooper protecting? It couldn’t have been Josh’s young sisters. As it turns out shortly after the ‘talking to,” Corporal Joseph Hutchens was arrested on child pornography charges. He was arrested a second time while on parole he is now serving 56 years in prison. Yes, you read that right — 56 years!

Why does a 14 year old repeatedly molest young children? My clients have some ideas about that. One speculates Josh might have been repeating sexual abuse that happened to him. Another client thinks Josh may have been acting out the sexual fantasies of a family member. This may seem far-fetched to you, but I’ve seen it happen many times.

Why do the parents continue to deny, dismiss and minimize what happened 13 years ago? From the transcripts of their Fox News interview:

– “(He) just basically touched them over their clothes while they were sleeping.”

– “A couple incidents where he touched them under their clothes, but it was like a few seconds.”

– “This was not rape or anything like that.” 

These statements by the Duggars are typical of the many rationalizations I've heard  over the years by perpetrators of abuse and by parents who are unwilling or unable to protect their children.

 

Just Waiting for the Abuse to Come Again . . .

The story of Josh Duggar abusing his sisters is a story I have often heard in my over 40 years in Child Protective Services and private psychotherapy practice: The repeated abuse, the denials, the secrecy, the silence, the inability or unwillingness of the parents or guardians to protect their children.

I often write about the devastating long-term effects of abuse: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives.

I’ve heard stories from many clients describing the fear they remember experiencing every night, lying in bed, dreading the sound of the doorknob turning.

I’ve also heard stories of sharing a room with a sibling who is being molested and dreading your turn (the Duggar girls all shared a bedroom in which they were serially molested by their brother.)

In Don’t Take It Personally! I write:

“Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.

“Rejection is the common thread in every type of abuse —psychological, physical, and sexual . . . .It is difficult to determine where one type of abuse ends and another begins. Psychological maltreatment . . .conveys “the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, endangered, or only valuable in meeting someone else’s needs.”

For many it feels like an act of betrayal when a trusted family member abuses, and when other adults do nothing to protect the child. This includes parents, extended family, teachers, family friends or religious leaders.

Victims of abuse report being confused about what love and caring and respect in a family means: "If someone is supposed to love me, why are they doing this to me when it doesn't feel right?"

Jill Duggar seems to be describing this confusion in the Fox News interview: "Like you know I’m sad. I’m shocked at the same time… I’m sad because this is my older brother, who I love a lot, and so it’s like, conflicting there,”

People Knew and Did Nothing

Much of the pain victims of abuse describe comes from realizing people knew and did nothing. For many the ability to trust is significantly damaged.

And did any of the five girls receive counseling? For how long? Or will they be like so many 40 or 50 or 60 year old women and men who belatedly come into therapy to deal with the long-term effects of childhood abuse that become so problematic in their personal and work relationships.

(More about these fears, feelings of betrayal and long-term effects of abuse from my blog about Jerry Sandusky and Penn State:  See the link below.)

A Dangerous and Hurtful Silence

During the many years I worked in Child Protective Services we were increasingly becoming aware of disproportionately high statistics for emotional, physical and sexual abuse in certain cultures.

We observed this was particularly true for some Fundamentalist/Evangelical sects. We also saw a high incidence of abuse in the military and were impressed that they wanted to do something about it and sent officers to attend Child Abuse Prevention trainings.

It was well known by Child Protection professionals that many Fundamentalism sects employe physical abuse to keep children in line.

And in spite of the church’s insistence on adhering to the purity code, it appears to be OK to “keep it in the family.” Their Code of Silence couldn’t keep reports from surfacing of sexual abuse of children by family members, preachers and church elders.

Several ministers have been forced to resign in recent years when details became known

Several ministers have been forced to resign in recent years when details of their inappropriate sexual activities with both adults and children became known.

Denial, secrecy and silence contribute to the culture of abuse in these environments.

Billy Graham's grandson, Professor Boz Tchividjian, observes: “Silence is one of the most common failures of the Christian community in preventing child abuse. Too many within the Christian community respond to the prevalence of child abuse with a dangerous and very hurtful silence.”

Professor Tchividjian adds that too many Evangelicals had “sacrificed the souls' of young victims.”

Self-Protection or Church Protection or Child Protection?

The sexual abuse of young girls by Josh Duggar was never officially reported to authorities until 2006 – over three years later. An anonymous tip was phoned in to Arkansas Child Protection.

On the same day the Oprah Winfrey producers where the Duggars were taping received an email alleging sexual abuse and warning that the Duggars were "not what they seem to be" and  "I think that you should know the truth before they make a complete fool of you and your show.”

The Oprah people faxed the accusations to Arkansas Child Abuse Hotline. The police then began a series of interviews with family members.

Recently, Under the Freedom of Information Act In Touch Weekly received and posted a heavily redacted version of the report on their website. *(See the link to the In Touch Weekly story below.)

Were charges ever filed? No, they were not.

Investigators determined that the statute of limitations (3 years from the original report) had expired and that no charges could be filed.

They were using the date the Duggars talked to the State Trooper – who never made an official report although he was mandated to do so.

In the meantime, an Arkansas judge just ordered the police report to be expunged, which means the sexual abuse is treated as if it never occurred. More silence. More secrets.

And Moving Forward: How to Best Protect the Children?

Is Josh Duggar actually attracted to young children? If so, this attraction often continues – especially when there has been no counseling or treatment. Actually, when you think about it, it’s not the thoughts alone that are dangerous. It is the It is the acting on those thoughts that harms people. Counseling could have taught Josh some much-needed impulse control, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

I always remind clients: “Be on the safe side by being alert to leaving your children in the unsupervised care of someone who abused you when you were younger.” I’ve heard so many stories about the abuse repeating with the younger generation – children, nieces nephews, grandchildren.

Abuse too often continues through the generations perpetuating the culture of silence.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

What do you think? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com     or email me at [email protected] 

More reading:

TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com blog: More about the fears, feelings of betrayal and long-term effects of abuse from my blog about Jerry Sandusky and Penn State: http://bit.ly/1HCDepZ 

More blogs on abuse and it’s long-term effects in the alphabetical archives at www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Informative Blog (and comment thread) by a Homeschool Alum and current attorney involved in juvenile sexual abuse cases: "The Duggars: How Fundamentalism's Teachings on Sexuality Create Predatory Behavior"
http://fiddlrts.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-duggars-how-fundamentalisms.html

Another informative blog (and comment thread) by Carmen Green, a Homeschool Alumna and attorney specializing in Child Abuse Law and Homeschooling Regulations:

"A Homeschool Alumna’s Thoughts on Megyn Kelly’s Interview of the Duggars" https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/a-homeschool-alumnas-thoughts-on-megyn-kellys-interview-of-the-duggars/

Washington Post Timeline:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/05/23/a-timeline-of-the-molestation-allegations-against-josh-duggar/

In Touch Weekly original published allegations and the 2006 Police Report:  http://www.intouchweekly.com/posts/bombshell-duggar-police-report-jim-bob-duggar-didn-t-report-son-josh-s-alleged-sex-offenses-for-more-than-a-year-58906

In Touch Weekly 2006 Washington County Sheriff’s Office Report http://www.intouchweekly.com/posts/josh-duggar-chilling-molestation-confession-in-new-police-report-59752

Department of Justice report on Juvenile-on-Juvenile sexual abuse https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/227763.pdf

If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues and addresses their long-term effects.   http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.

If you have experienced sexual abuse, call the free, confidential National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Heavy Burden of Keeping Secrets

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Last month's post on lies and liars led to this comment from a reader about keeping secrets:

“I think what’s equally as bad as lying is keeping a secret. But, it’s so lonely, frightening, and dangerous to keep secrets.”
. . . and of course, lying usually involves secrets.

For the full comment, go to the COMMENTS section of my blog: http://bit.ly/1LN0BKy

Let ’s give some attention here to what a heavy burden secrecy can be. Secrets take so much energy to maintain and as you are most likely aware, they can beget mistrust and suspicion which sure can interfere with how we live our lives.

All of this can rob both personal and work relationships of the resources necessary for desired connection.

Everyone is entitled to the opportunity to make an 'informed decision' in their relationships and they need enough information to be able to do this. Secrets may end up getting in the way of the credibility we want to present to others.

In Breathing Room I take a look at dozens of creative ways we find to fill space — preventing us from connecting in our relationships.
Holding secrets is a primary way we do this.

Sometimes We Learn Secret-Keeping in Childhood

“For some of us, secrets were woven into the fabric of our lives from an early age, leaving little room for honesty or authenticity. All kinds of things are kept secret. Parents may feel they are protecting the child by not answering questions truthfully . . .”

The family secret may be that a parent drinks too much, or says or does inappropriate things. The secrecy may be about illness or how a family member actually died.

Sometimes there are generational family secrets about the reasons families have left their countries of origin: often to escape from persecution of some kind, but it is never discussed with the next generations.

“Often, on some level, children sense what the secret is, but because of the family rules about secretiveness, they feel that they can’t comment or ask questions. So they remain very lonely in their isolation.

Another way of creating secrets is by not giving children an honest answer or by denying feelings.

I’ve blogged many times about having our perceptions discounted when we were children and how confusing it is not to be believed: “It didn’t happen.” “It wasn’t all that bad.” “Don’t be silly,” or the parent responds to a child’s bad dream by declaring, “You’re really not afraid.” When this is our model growing up, and we are not believed, we learn to be secretive. Why confide in someone if they don’t believe you?

Secrets and lies are toxic to relationships.

In Private Lies Dr. Frank Pittman writes: “Children rely upon the stability of the . . . family. If secrets keep family members from being close to one another, the family undergoes disorientation," He continues: "Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told, they become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift."

Secretiveness Tends to be Perpetuated

Again from Breathing  Room: “When people grow up in secretive families, they may continue be secretive in their adult relationships. Trust becomes an issue because they will also be expecting secretiveness from others. If someone didn’t trust you with the truth when you were growing up, it’s hard to trust others when you are a grown-up.”

I point out how secrets in grown-up relationships can take the form of Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas. “These one-sided, unspoken contracts between two people can lead to disappointments. These expectations are based on a presumption that the other person will cooperate in a plan that has never actually been discussed between the two . . . somebody gets a big surprise when the partner doesn’t uphold their end of the “bargain,” and the “deal” doesn’t happen.

These unspoken or hidden “terms,” “contracts,” and “agreements” affect all areas of relationships — lifestyle, sex, recreation, values, friends, money, decision-making, extended families, child rearing, hopes, and plans.

Can you see how Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas can also problematic in workplace relationships?

In fact, secrecy is a huge issue on many organizations and we may have strong reactions to how certain decisions are made at work — and take it personally when we sense we are there is deception. We may feel kept in the dark and marginalized when there is a lack of transparency, concealment of what should have been disclosed, and a breach of confidence and trust.

We have a particularly hard time if we have experienced similar feelings growing up. These experiences stockpile and each time we feel betrayed by a person or a group that we trust, deep feelings can be triggered. Doesn't it make sense that any of us who have had these early experiences are going to be reacting strongly to what feels like a betrayal by our organization. I wrote about feelings of betrayal by my Therapist Association last year in ‘Secrecy, Lies, Betrayal and Shattered Trust’ and if it sounds angry, it's because I really was!
http://bit.ly/1aXrsmy

It doesn’t feel good to be disappointed by those we trust, and these disappointments can feel like rejection.
From the Archive: http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/disappointments/

There is so much more to say about keeping secrets, feelings of betrayal and maintaining trust.

NPR did a story on Family Secrets recently. Here's the link:
http://www.npr.org/2015/03/13/392771329/family-secrets

And What About You?

- Have you, too, had experiences with keeping secrets?
- How has it felt to be asked to keep a secret? How about when you ask someone to hold a secret for you?
- Did secret-keeping when you grew up influence how you approach secrecy now in you personal or work relationships?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

 

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Tips for Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

By Elayne Savage, PhD

This is my 100^th e-letter/blog! Exactly eight years since I began November 2006 . . .

So it is with much gratitude I thank you for your support and comments and feedback.

I’m grateful, too, that I finally seem to be on the road to healing after that scary accident 3 months ago. Now if my concussion would only go away, I would be able to talk and write in sentences that make sense again!

I have learned much from family, friends, therapy and coaching clients and colleagues. And from you who have received these e-letters and responded with your own thoughts.  I'm grateful to you.

I’m super appreciative of the amazing lessons I have the opportunity to learn from my wise seven year old granddaughter and super excited that I’ll be with her and her parents this holiday.

Here Comes Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving gives us a reason and permission to allow gratitude and appreciation into our lives. And here comes Thanksgiving 2014.

However, for some of us it also can be a holiday with a few conflicting feelings  – clashing and banging up against each other. Perhaps in even stereophonic sound!

A part of you most likely looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the people and experiences in your life.

Hopefully this holiday gives you permission to appreciate you — for who you are and the person you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome as well.

Thanksgiving gives us permission to let ourselves be appreciative – maybe even stating our feelings out loud.

However, there may also be a part of you that is award of feeling a bit uneasy
with this holiday. Perhaps it’s the part of you that stresses about planning or preparing or serving. Or the part of you that dreads dealing with the 'attitudes' of annoying or inappropriate folks during get-togethers.

Pass the Rejection, Please

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these ultra-stressful times.

Do you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping this holiday is going to be different from past experiences?

Do you find yourself disappointed yet again?

Does someone say or do something that ruins the day for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene may seem to turn into something resembling Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Norman Rockwell painting and the next minute they’re at each other’s throats because someone said or did the "wrong" thing. Someone copped an 'attitude,' or was too judgmental, or critical or disapproving or dismissive or condescending or sarcastic or attacking or crude or otherwise disrespectful.

Feelings get hurt and someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments can feel like a huge dose of rejection.

Talking to The Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in
battles, feeling the need to choose sides, and suffering hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self." Maybe she needs to validate her  sublime mom-ness.    

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point. With the elections just over, he thinks he has good reason to goad you and he gives it his all.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she says in a very loud voice. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

- This is a good time to take a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation so you don’t feel so flooded and can think more clearly.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally whenever she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully and walk into the bathroom and while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author."

This perspective can give you the distance you need to take a step back and not feel so rejected or take things so personally.


"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways you might take care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that this is most likely about them and not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time-Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Visiting out-of-town relatives can be even more complicated and may take a bit more strategizing. Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.

Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.

People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," it’s a good guess she, too, is overly sensitive. “

In fact, if you ask Mom about Sally, she’ll tell you "When we were growing up, Sally always took things personally!"

Again, it’s good to remind yourself that it’s not about you.

Too Hot to Handle

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward another person. This projection onto others is usually not part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection as "when you mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries, and again in Breathing Room I describe how this works:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

By the way, Mike Robbins' book is terrific on how to harness the power of gratitude: Focus On The Good Stuff - The Power of Appreciation.'

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate them – even if our tendency is to hold back from sharing such sentiments.

For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday and to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures - wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation.

I’ll bet you have some wonderful holiday stories and experiences to tell – and I’d love to hear from you: [email protected] or you can post in the comments section of the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Can you believe the number of Family Violence stories in the news lately? The Ravens Ray Rice, 49ers Ray McDonald , Panthers Greg Hardy, and even a US District Court Judge Mark Fuller are all accused of Domestic Violence. But the story that dominates is about the indictment of Vikings Adrian Peterson for beating his four year old son with a switch.

The gift here of course is the media attention has done much to break the secrecy about family violence.

There is a connection between domestic violence and the abuse of children. Both often come from learned behavior, often experienced in childhood.

Experiencing abuse or witnessing it between adults affects a child’s capacity for showing respect and trust. What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone? When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? They may ask themselves, "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me?"

As adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Many become bullies and abusers themselves. Some become the abused. And others will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again.

Let’s focus here on child abuse in regard to recent reports of Adrian Peterson’s abuse of his 4 year old son with a stripped tree branch.

‘Discipline' or 'Punishment'

The difference between 'Discipline' and 'Punishment' confuses many folks. Disciplining doesn't have to mean physical punishment. When do 'spankings' become 'whippings' or ‘beatings' or  ‘whuppins’?

How often do we hear “My daddy hit me, so I have a right to do the same to my child”?
In fact, Peterson’s lawyer stated, “Adrian is a loving father who used his judgment as a parent to discipline his son. He used the same kind of discipline with his child that he experienced as a child growing up in East Texas.”

Sorry. I can’t buy that line of reasoning. My daddy hit my brother Lee and me pretty regularly with belts and telephone cords. We share stories with cousins about beatings. Now that I know our grandfather beat our father and his four brothers – it still does not make our beatings acceptable.

I was determined not to repeat this behavior with my daughter. And yet, one day she said something that I took personally and I lost control. I raged at her, chased her into her playhouse, blocked the door, and flailed at her with my hands.

And then she stopped me cold: “You’re supposed to protect kids not hit them.” She was about seven years old and knew I was a Child Protective Services social worker.

In those days I’d often team up with plainclothes officers to talk with parents, and will always remember their advice: “If you can’t stop yourself from hitting, hit with an open hand so you won’t leave welts or bruises. Using a fist or belt will hurt your child.”

Emotional Welts and Bruises

If we see a child being beaten with a belt or wooden spoon, we can imagine the pain the child experiences, maybe we can even see the welts. However we don’t see the emotional marks when the child is being beaten with a psychological spoon.

Because emotional hurts are more insidious, it is harder to make sense out of them. It’s not the beating alone that causes long-term damage. It is the accompanying messages of rejection and betrayal that potentially travel with a child into adulthood.

Long-term emotional damage results when the child looks to someone for love and protection, and that person hurts and betrays them. The child is left with feeling rejected, disrespected, and unprotected. This is true for all types of abuse.

What about these emotional welts and bruises?

Physical bruises usually heal; emotional bruises often do not. It’s not the spanking alone that causes long-term damage. It's more complicated than that.

"Fight, Flight or Freeze" – Spurts of Adrenaline and Cortisol

Research shows that adrenaline and cortisol stress hormone levels are affected by fear or trauma and bring on a 'fight or flight or freeze' response.

What is the long term affect of these increased levels? And how do these spurts of adrenaline caused by anxiety result in depression, leading to even to more intense feelings of helplessness and overwhelm?

Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives.

Here’s how it works: According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens and files the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,

Emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. These experiences determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.

All these years later adult clients I see in therapy recall feeling terrified at 'that look' in their parents' eyes. Intense anger or rage on the adult's face can be terrorizing for some children especially if there is an out-of-control quality to it. They live on the edge, waiting for the whipping to come again.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I write how children's experience of being abused is from a child's perspective. Adults might see it differently:

"Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes. So they’re always holding their breath, waiting . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships."

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and lovers. It often shows itself in domestic violence  by becoming the abuser or the abused.

About 25 years ago I served on a national Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. We carved out definitions of psychological maltreatment and it's long-term effects.

Psychological maltreatment is embedded in all forms of child abuse. It conveys the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or in danger.

Children feel disregarded and unprotected. Can you see how rejection is the common thread that runs throughout these perceptions?

When children look to someone for love and protection and that person hurts and betrays them, how can there not be long-term emotional damage?

Trust is Fragile

When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? Or for themselves?

They may ask "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me like this?" What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone?
Messages like this are so confusing. When they become adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Some will become abusive themselves.  And others will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again.

"Just Wait Until Your Father Gets Home"

You may have guessed that spankings were a regular happening in my childhood home.  My mom would warn, "Just wait until your father gets home." And my brother Lee and I waited, terrified of what would follow when we went with him down to the basement.

Often it started with the belt. The worst times were when he used the buckle end. However, if he thought we weren’t getting the "message" the next step was the telephone cord.

Daddy would strip away the black sheathing, exposing the brightly colored individual wires. I remember some of them still had metal pieces attached to the ends.

But what really hurt the most, was that I sensed my mother standing on the basement landing, listening to our cries.

A Scrapbook of Memories

A few years ago a client brought in a 1950's wooden scrapbook her father had made to display her childhood poems. He painstakingly used a jigsaw, cutting her name into a piece of wood and gluing it onto the wooden cover. It was a loving gesture.

I found myself staring at the colorful lacing holding the two pieces of wood together, There was something eerily familiar about it. At first I couldn't place it. I was stunned when I recognized what it was. The brightly colored cord her dad used to fasten it together was telephone wire.

I couldn't stop my tears.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And what are your thoughts? Your experiences?

For another perspective: Michael Eric Dyson’s Op-Ed on black families and discipline

For lots of information on the abuse of children and it’s long term effects:
Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Drama Triangle: Eye-Opening View of Relationship Interactions!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I love watching the faces of workplace and psychotherapy clients when I introduce the amazing Drama Triangle into our work. At long last, their problematic and confusing relationships begin to make sense!

When I discovered this concept in a Transactional Analysis Bulletin article in the 60s I thought: Eureka! I've found gold!

This ingenious way of sorting out complex interactions was developed by Stephen Karpman, MD, a psychiatrist in the San Francisco Bay area. Steve was a colleague/devotee of Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis and author of Games People Play.

I've written about the Drama Triangle in my books, and used examples extensively in my workshops. However, in the many years I've been writing this blog, this is the first time I've made it a centerpiece.

In the Karpman Drama Triangle, the three points are represented by the roles of Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The roles are interchangeable, with each player possibly trading positions at any given time. Sometimes a person may switch from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer in a flash; other times, it’s more gradual.

You may have noticed how it becomes a quick trip from feeling blamed to blaming someone. Or going from feeling victimized to provoking a “rise” out of the other person.

First of all, I want to point out how easy it is to feel like a victim when we tend to take things personally — especially at times we are feeling singled out or treated unfairly or disrespected in some way.

The classic martyr offers a great example of the triangle in action.

The Martyr – Victim Extraordinaire

Both in families an in work situations, the martyr complains of doing so much for others (Rescuer) that s/he feels unappreciated (Victim). Our martyr may frequently be heard saying (or insinuating) something like: “Look at all I do for you and look what I get in return — nothing.” And how do you imagine it feels to be on the receiving end of comments like that?

However, consider how the martyr may actually be the most powerful person in the family or work setting. Others keep trying to please (Rescue) — until they become resentful. Then they begin to feel victimized (Victim). If they retaliate by acting rebelliously or procrastinating or making empty promises, the martyr perceives them as “bad and uncaring” (Persecutor), because s/he actually feeling victimized by them.

Or Might It Be The Rescuer? Or the Victimizer?

Can you envision how the martyr moves from role to role on the triangle? This occurs in a similar fashion for other “rescuing” kinds of behavior — codependence, overfunctioning, infantilizing. When one person “takes over” for the other (Rescuer), the dependent one feels diminished (Victim) by the pushy one (Persecutor). Anger and resentment build up (Victim/Persecutor), leaving the “rescuer” feeling hurt (Victim) that these caring behaviors are not appreciated by their family members or coworkers..

In the graphic you'll notice the Victim spot is on the bottom of the triangle. However, because of the power the victim holds it might as well be on the top. Isn’t it fascinating how one person may see him- or herself in the role of Victim (or Rescuer), and another person may see that person as the Victimizer. And we wonder why people get so upset with us!

Awareness is the Key

Having awareness of how this process works can help stop interactions that lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, anger and resentment. Most especially, it can help curb that destructive cycle of feeling personally attacked and needing to defend by mounting a counterattack.

So often we get stuck in an intractable position, seeing ourselves in primarily one role — usually the rescuer or the victim.

Hmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how we seem to have blinders on about our own role of persecutor! Once we recognize that these positions are fluid, we can understand that others may see us quite differently than we see ourselves. Then we can more easily see problematic situations from a wider lens, perhaps even from the other person’s point of view. And what a difference that can make both at work and at home.

Might these ideas change your work or personal relationships? How might that be?

What kinds of Drama Triangle experiences have you had? I'd love to hear your stories and solutions . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Excerpted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection  and Breathing Room – Creating Space to be a Couple.

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Limiting Factors and Defining Characteristics: What Are Yours?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Do you find yourself drawn to reading certain printed words

over again?

 

I seem to stumble across these words just when I'm most

needing their wisdom. It's as if they appear in front of my

eyes by magic.

 

Perhaps they reside in a book or blog or a handout or

something I happened to save on my compute filed in the

ubiquitous "Elayne's Stuff" Folder.

 

One that pops up when I most need it is a particular Monday

Morning Memo about Limiting Factors and Defining

Characteristics by marketing consultant Roy H. Williams.

Each time I re-read it I learn more about myself and my

relationships.

 

Isn't it amazing how previously read words can seem fresh

and new when we are able to receive them in a different way?

 

What an intriguing idea: We each have Defining Characteristics

that offer potential and we also have potentially stunting Limiting

Factors. I'm especially fascinated by how we let certain events in

our lives define us. Or we let someone else's opinion define us.

Both the growthful and the limiting aspects affect how we see

ourselves.

 

I, too, have allowed certain events in my life define me and color how

I see myself. And how I have let these defining characteristics limit me.

Letting Experiences Define Us

The most impactful event for me was the plane crash when I was 12 years

old. And, yes, at times I have let it define me. Sometimes in ways that I can

use to make a difference for others, and sometimes in ways that smother my

spirit and creativity.

(If you don't know my story and are curious, see the link below.)

Connected to this loss have been the times I felt neglected and

rejected by the adults in my family who I had looked to for protection.

And yet they have repeatedly disappointed me - especially when they

have made important promises and then reneged.

I have let these disappointments define me as well.

And becoming older and wiser doesn't always stop me from

re-experiencing the old pain when a rejection in the present

triggers it.

A Replay of Hurts From the Past

It recently happened again. I believed someone was able to be

fair-minded and supportive. So I took a deep breath and did

something I hardly ever do. I asked for help. Her quick and

positive response did much to bolster feeling cared about. You

can imagine how this goes a long way in balancing the long-time

experiences of rejection by the adults.

 

Then without warning and without explanation, she changed her

mind about helping. 

 

I'm sure if I was functioning in my adult mode, I would have been

momentarily disappointed but able to say, "This is not important in

the wider scope of things. After all, people do have a right to change

their mind after making a promise."

 

But I found myself blindsided and upset. Kind of stuck in that "Poor

Cinderella" loop that sometimes creeps in when I start feeling sorry

for myself.

Self-respect Instead of Self-reject

Did I take it personally? I sure did! The self-rejecting messages began

taking over until I gave myself a good talking-to. I walked along side

myself, noticed what I was doing, and decided to go down a different

path. One of Self-respect instead of Self-reject.

 

Do you, too, sometimes let your past experiences define you? Is it OK

that this happens? Or do you find it limiting? What steps have you

taken in an attempt to overcome this way of defining yourself?

 

Has anyone ever said to you, "Just get over it?" How do words like

these make you feel? Does it make your skin crawl the way it does

mine? (A friend once said that to me after he read a piece I wrote

about my mother's death. His seeming lack of support for  me changed

my relationship with him from that time forward.)

 

Roy H. Williams offers much to think about in this excerpt from his

commentary on Limiting Factors and Defining Characteristics in

his Monday Morning Memo.

Perhaps, you, too, will find yourself often rereading these words:

                                              Walk on Water

Life is a journey on water. We spend our lives floating between the

sunlit scenery of the conscious mind and the shadowy depths of

the unconscious below. Dr. Richard D. Grant tells us our relationship

to the unconscious is exactly our relationship to water.

 



1. We need it by the cupful to survive.


2. A plunge into it is refreshing. (Art speaks to the unconscious.)


3. Stay under too long and we'll drown. (A psychotic break.)


4. There are monsters in the deep.

 

Every product, service or idea has:



 

1. Limiting Factors - (factors that limit it. Impediments.)


2. Defining Characteristics - (characteristics that define it.)

 

The same is true of you and me. You and I have Limiting

Factors and Defining Characteristics.

 

Drifters on the ocean of life define themselves by their

circumstances. Pushed here and there by the winds and

waves of chance, their mantra is, "whatever."

 

Surfers on the ocean of life define themselves by their activities.

Riding the swells this way and that, they dream of the perfect wave.

 

Drowners in the ocean of life define themselves by their limiting

factors. Sad and mournful, they are professional victims, the

walking wounded, an army that never heals.

 

Navigators sailing happily on the ocean of life define themselves

by their commitments. Navigators know exactly what they're

trying to make happen and they're willing to pay the price.

 

Do you know what you're trying to make happen? Are you willing

to pay the price?

Limiting factors are outside you. 
Defining characteristics are within.


Has your self-image been damaged by things you did not choose?

Have you internalized your limiting factors? Spit them out. Ceremoniously

and with contempt. Spit them out. Limiting factors can be fought or ignored

but they should never be accepted. To accept them is to move them

inside you.

 

I'm not uneducated . . . I simply chose not to go to college.

I'm not a bald guy . . . I'm just a guy who has no hair.

And I'm certainly not scruffy and poorly dressed. I'm a man whose

mind is filled with things other than his personal appearance. The

fact that this makes me look like a homeless beggar is nothing

more than a meaningless coincidence.

 

I am deeply committed to my wife, astoundingly loyal to my

friends and surprisingly dangerous to my enemies. See how easy

it is to choose your identity?

 

You alone decide who you will be.

What have you decided?

Roy H. Williams, Founder of the Wizard Academy
Monday Morning Memo August 16, 2010
http://www.mondaymorningmemo.com/newsletters/read/1886

And another stunning commentary about water and the unconscious by Roy H. Williams:

 

                 
     

Life is a journey on water:

Consciousness is above the water.

The unconscious lies below.

The future comes into focus only when

 we pass under the bridge and turn the corner.

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Here's the link to the story of the plane crash:

http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

Until next time,

 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Tangling with Safeway Stores – An Alternate Reality

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Sometimes out of the blue I have a visceral reaction to something that reminds me of the crazy-making days of growing up. 

Talking to the Safeway Stores Claims Manager has been one of those times. It was an absolutely surreal experience. The denials, deflections, and evasions just kept coming at me. 

He wasn't at all interested in discussing how my back injuries were exacerbated.  He focused on insisting that because I was facing forward in my car in the parking lot, I didn't actually see the associate ram shopping carts into the back of my car. 

An alternate reality

In other words, he was asking, if I didn't actually see it, how do I know it really happened? He kept repeating phrases like 'maybe nothing happened.' Then later in the conversation he denied he ever said that to me.

I kept coming back at him with the truth. I insisted that of course it happened – even though there was no obvious damage to my car. The jolt was so substantial I thought another car had backed into me. Imagine my surprise to learn it was only stacked carts that the associate was moving. The associate took responsibility for his actions. 

Can you imagine how surreal it was to hear the Claims Manager repeatedly insist Safeway is not legally liable because I didn't actually see the carts roll into the back of my car! 

Trying to communicate with him was disconcerting and frustrating – an alternate reality.

A Crazy-making conversation – Chock-full of denials, deflections and evasions

The Claims Manager repeatedly twisted reality by discounting my experience, and deflecting my comments. He kept referring to "one cart' when, in fact there had been several stacked together.

This crazy-making conversation full of denials, deflections and evasions was eerily familiar. In my family communication was garbled and surreal, much like Theatre of the Absurd. Everyone talked gibberish, expecting you to comprehend the meaning. 

It was never OK to ask for clarification.

If you asked a question you most likely would not receive a straight answer. The subject was changed and the issue was skirted. You were expected to pretend you understood the meaning of a statement. Expected to play guessing games with each other because being specific was simply not okay. 

I came to understand the sanctity of these family rules several years ago. I was having lunch with my uncle and young daughter who was then about six or seven. I asked him to clarify something. He glared at me then angrily turned to my daughter: "What's wrong with your mother, doesn't she understand English?"

As you might guess, up to that time it had taken me years to collect the courage to break the family rule: "It is not OK to ask questions." My uncle's response to my rule breaking was to taunt me in front of my daughter.

There were other family rules and admonishments as well: "you are imaging it," or "no, you don't really think that," or "that really didn't happen," or "I didn't say that."  

No wonder I was getting so upset with the Claims Manager. When he repeatedly discounted my experience, it reminded me of the good ole crazy-making days of growing up.   

'Mystification': "You can fool some of the people . . ."

A class I once took in graduate school had us reading Scottish psychiatrist R.D. Laing's observations of schizophrenic communication styles in highly dysfunctional families. 

As soon as I read his article on mystification, I recognized it. "OMG! This is my family!" I had never before seen our communication style described so aptly. And phrases and warnings I had not thought about for years came flooding back.

Laing calls this communication style 'mystification' . . .  an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" what is really going on. This is also referred to as 'gaslighting.'

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret. 

Safeway's denial of liability letter to me was full of obfuscating language. When I asked the claims person and her manager to explain some sentences, they both tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me that I didn't understand their words. Kind of like what my uncle did so many years ago when he made fun of me in front of my daughter.

Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time... " 

I don't like being fooled. I don't like being lied to. And I especially don't like being told I'm imagining things.  

This kind of behavior brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. It reminds me how rejecting it feels when perceptions and feelings are invalidated. 

Feelings become superimposed 

I work with psychotherapy and workplace clients to navigate these kinds of issues. I can point out how, in these kinds of rejecting situations, the feelings of the young child can become superimposed on the functioning of the adult. 

As you can see,  I too, sometimes overreact to certain triggers, I watched myself getting upset as the Safeway Claims Manager's dismissiveness got to me. I was losing my patience with his crazy-making communication style. 

Hmmmm. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if in fact it is really inadequate communication. For a moment there I found myself wondering why it feels so much like harassment.  

I understand the Claims Manager's job is to discourage me from pursuing a claim. Safeway Stores, Inc. can definitely be proud of the superb job he does as the gatekeeper of B___S___. But doesn't come across as very classy, do they? 

An apology from management would have been nice.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And what about you . . .

Does 'mystification' seem familiar to you? Would you say your family's communication style tended to befuddle, cloud, obscure or mask meaning? How did you handle it?

As an adult have you ever been triggered by a replay of these kinds of early family communication rules? 

If you have a story to share, I'd love to hear it. 

Until next month, 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:

http://amzn.to/PHz1HE

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:

http://amzn.to/TUtpVG

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 

like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 www.QueenofRejection.com

 For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:

Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

The Not Knowing is Excruciating – The Malaysia Airlines Mystery

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It's the not knowing that is so excruciating.

How can Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 with 239 on board suddenly disappear from radar and yet continue to fly seven more hours? How can it be that all the worldwide sophisticated technology cannot locate it? It's hard to accept it just vanished into thin air en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.

It's not the first time planes have disappeared and some have never been found. (See story and statistics link below.)

There have been at least a dozen theories and many distractions, but only a handful of hard facts.

I admit I have been riveted by the mystery of it all. However, the intrigue of the disappearance of the plane is overshadowed by my awareness of what the relatives of missing passengers must be going through.

Speculation after speculation abounds in the media: that the plane could have landed on various airstrips, that there was an explosion or fire, that it was hijacked, it was a pilot suicide mission, or following in the shadow of another plane. And on and on. How painful it must be for relatives when false hope is fueled, only to have one theory replaced by another.

The worst possible scenario of course is that we never find out what really happened.

It's the not knowing that is so excruciating.

Many of us have experienced this kind of turbulence in our lives if we find ourselves waiting for news after an accident or a surgery. "Did our loved one survive?" "Are they going to be all right?" "How will this affect me?"

I can't help but think of acquaintances who have experienced the agony of not knowing and lack of closure when a loved one has disappeared without a trace. And the hope kept alive that they are alive and will somehow find their way back. The pain of living with that is hard to imagine.

For me, the closest I can come to imagining this kind of pain is from my own experience in the 1950's when I was 12 years old.

It Gets Personal

Whenever there is a news story that is punctuated with so many question marks and long waits for news, I relive the agony of the 'not knowing' – the endless waiting for information.

I know what it's like to wait and wonder. Each time I hear about another tragedy where information is slow in coming or speculation runs rampant, I’m reminded of my own experiences. It is the same each time for me. I go through the same process of waiting and wondering. I relive the 'not knowing' — the seemingly endless waiting for information that I experienced when I was 12 years old.

The thought that something might be wrong begins as a whisper. As the hours drag by, a cloak of fear takes over.

Just like that day in 1954 when my father, my younger brother, Lee and I waited hours for my mother's "we arrived safely" phone call. And it never came.

As we waited for the call, we watched the Evening News. We heard a Braniff DC-3 crashed in an Iowa cornfield. It couldn't be their plane, we told ourselves. They were flying United.

Finally my Dad started making phone calls. For hours we waited for some answers to find out if indeed they were on that Braniff flight. 

Turns out they were. There was to have been a long layover in Des Moines for the second leg of the trip from Omaha to the Mayo Clinic. Apparently my mother learned a Braniff flight would be leaving sooner for Rochester and she and my grandmother were able to book tickets on it.  What she didn't know was that it was a 'puddle-jumper,' stopping in several cities along the route. And of course she had no idea the plane would be heading into a fierce thunderstorm.

Neither my mother nor grandmother had identification with them. My mother was finally identified at the morgue in Mason City Iowa from the inscription on her wedding band. (I wear this ring every day — always aware that it survived the plane crash.)

Another impediment to identifying them was not everyone on the plane died in the crash.

It's the not knowing that is so excruciating.

Late into the night, we learned they were dead. But a part of my 12-year-old mind wouldn't believe it. For years I kept imagining there must have been a terrible mistake in identification . . . and they would return home someday.

Finding Answers 40 Years Later

Forty years later my brother Lee Raskin began some research to learn what really happened that August 22nd day. The official report reads, “Strong downdrafts forced the plane to the ground." There is even speculation the plane was caught in a small tornado.

Forty years after the crash I learned not everyone died. Seven people survived, including the stewardess. The pilot and co-pilot were killed.

Why did the pilot disregard the warning to not land in Mason City? Did they not hear it? Did they figure it was safe to land? We will never really know exactly what happened in the cockpit that day.

And in a way, I guess we are still waiting. Just as the relatives of passengers on Flight 370 may be waiting for answers for a very long time.

When these kinds of tragedies occur it really doesn't matter what the media speculates happened or where and how far the debris might be scattered.

For the surviving families it is scattered over a lifetime.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 Do you have a story to share about your own experience of waiting for news? What was the situation? What was it like for you? How long did you have wait for some kind of closure? Are you still waiting?

Have you, too, been intrigued about the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370? Have you, too, become overwhelmed by so much speculation and false information?

I'd love to hear your story. You can post in the comments section in the box below
or by emailing me at [email protected]

Here's a link to a reliable source for a summary of plausible scenarios: TheAirSafe.com News

http://www.airsafenews.com/2014/03/four-plausible-scenarios-for-malaysia.html

And here's a link to the story of my personal experience with the long wait to hear whether someone I love is alive or dead. And my journey to some closure.

http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

Here’s a link to statistics on missing aircraft:

http://www.ibtimes.com/beyond-malaysia-airlines-flight-mh370-6-other-planes-disappeared-were-never-found-1561738

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_aerial_disappearances

 Until next time . . .

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

 To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

 REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

 AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

 Here's how you can reach me:

 Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 www.QueenofRejection.com

 For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

 Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Tips for Suriving the Holidays

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month, just before Thanksgiving, I shared some tips for navigating family gatherings. Some of you asked for more tips for surviving the upcoming holidays.
So here we go . . .

Holiday Hype

It helps to separate the hype from actuality. This year those ads of 'make believe' started appearing even earlier than usual. The purpose, of course, is to build up your Great Holiday Expectations.

Weeks before Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the 'Happy Family' and 'Perfect Present' ads.

Wow. What a set-up for disappointment this is!

And I'm here to remind you that unrealistic expectations usually lead to disappointments.
All too often, disappointments feel like rejection.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Besides the tips I offered last month for 'talking to the turkeys at the table,' the best way to deal with family stress is to be creative in taking time-outs  to collect your  thoughts and regain your composure.

Excusing yourself, doing some slow breathing, and counting to ten all work wonders to help regain your balance (and your dignity, too.)

- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to get a drink of water.

- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, 
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a 
few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle 
this?"

- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car. 
This lets you be independent about your transportation and your time and space. You 
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stresses of too much family time.

When someone's behavior is too obnoxious to ignore, rather than overreacting, why not try a different tack?

- Try to find something about that person you can like, maybe even respect. For 
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes. Then while you are talking with them concentrate on that redeeming feature.

When the person sees respect in your eyes, they are more likely to respond positively to you. Are you wiling to give it a try? It sure beats time spent glaring at each other.

As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - including the workplace.

Each Family has 'Their Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about the holidays. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different traditions for celebrating and different expectations about exchanging gifts.

I often coach young families in creating ways to make their own traditions around birthdays, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, New Years and other holidays important to them.

They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents or  whether to decorate or not.

Gift-giving Dilemmas

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt ands takes something personally.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right' present?

Gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for.

Most of us have felt some disappointment on the receiving end as well. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe sometimes it doesn't. But what about the times your feelings get hurt?

And you know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait,  maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected yet. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hankering for.

Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait with baited breath to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose?

Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Again, these are situations where disappointments feel like rejection.

Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of disappointment.

Caring is Not Symmetrical

Sometimes we expect caring to be symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring is different from our own.

We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of gift-giving – in our families.  
Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments, there is really a charge to the subject of gift-giving. This generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation.

Gift-giving Tips

- Know what you want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about 
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out 
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to buy for you. It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you. They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

Look for more ideas about gift-giving in the February blog - just in time for Valentine's Day.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Happy Holidays everyone! Wishing you a healthy, adventurous and wonder-filled New Year.

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' ®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage  
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
 

Happy Thanksgiving and Some Tips for Navigating Family Gatherings

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday.
And to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures -
wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of
receiving appreciation.

I'm thankful to be able to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. A few

days ago I had a skirmish with a glob of peanut butter(!) that

decided to sight-see for a while in my esophagus, refusing to travel

on downward. Thankfully, I won the battle!

What perfect timing to give me pause to think long and hard

about what I'm most grateful for . . .

Let Me Count the Ways . . .

I'm grateful for the wonderfully supportive people in my life.

Some are new friends but many are old – going back to middle

school, high school and college. Some are from my first real

job decades ago. And I even stay in contact with my high

school English teacher!

I'm grateful to be able to reconnect with friends after losing

contact. It happens because one of us reached out, and the

other was open to receiving. These are special friendships

because they could easily have been lost forever.

I'm grateful for my mentors and teachers and the opportunities

presented. I'm especially grateful that I have the wisdom (OK,

maybe intuition) to be open to receive.

I'm especially grateful for my wonderful family. And there is so

much to absorb from my six year old granddaughter, a terrific

teacher of life lessons. 

I have learned a lot from family and friends.

 

My coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants

have taught me much. I'm grateful to you who receive this e-letter –

and for your emails and blog comments. So much to learn from you!

I appreciate smiles from strangers I pass on the street - and I usually

smile back. I'm grateful when someone responds positively to a

favor it took me days to work up to asking for, I'm thankful when

folks graciously let me give something back to them.



 

And I'm grateful, too, for the intention and healing in our hearts and

minds that contribute to making the world more healthy, strong and

humane.

For many of us, giving and receiving appreciation isn't easy.

Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for

providing a reason or two or three!


This is the time of year I often give some Holiday get-together tips

for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so

personally when you are talking to the turkeys at the dinner table.


So here we go:

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in

battles, choosing of sides and hurt feelings?

 

Here are some useful tips for getting through the Holidays:

Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants.

He pulls you in every time. And this year there lots to be polarized

about! You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to

make 
your point.

 

–  Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the

fisherman' routine. If you need to, get up from the table and

excuse yourself to go into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths.


–  Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your

ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this

subject at this time.'"
   
Remind yourself: Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of
Theatre of the Absurd.

Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists

on bringing  her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly

lovely one.

–  It's almost comical. Why not appreciate the humor in the

situation, and laugh it off.
 
– Try not to take it personally and remember: "Mom's being her

Mom-self." It probably help her to feel useful and mom-like. Maybe

she's not quite ready to give up her mom role quite yet.
 
Remind yourself: Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre

of the Absurd.

Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing never fails to make you

uncomfortable and 
self-conscious. She's done this ever

since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes

full steam ahead. "You always were just too sensitive," she

stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. And you

want to crawl under the table and  disappear.

 

–  This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.

Breathing 
slowly ten times will usually help to take the

charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.


–  And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows

the slightest interest in you or gives even a minimal validation, it 

reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something

nice to say to you next time.

Remind yourself: Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre

of the Absurd.
 
Dad is drinking too much again and making comments loudly

under his breath about your weight. This time he asked loudly if

you really needed to put whipped cream on your pie. It's awkward

and humiliating. What do you do?

–  Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when

you were 
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

–  Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take

it. You can 
leave the room gracefully and regain your composure.

Maybe go into the kitchen and get a glass of water or the bathroom

to take a few deep breaths.


–  Having a talk with him about it in a sober, uncharged  moment will

be more 
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Remind yourself: Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of

the Absurd.

Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing

is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot"

or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author." This can

give you the  distance you need to take a step back and not take

things so personally.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And Happy Chanukah too! 


 
Your support, emails and blog posts mean a lot to me. I truly

appreciate your interest and input.

Do you have an appreciation story to share? What about

your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table'?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
 

Elayne
 
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' ®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage  
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Reflections on Growing Up In the Shadow of the Navy Yard

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I am deeply saddened and affected personally by the senseless loss of life and injuries at the Washington D.C. Navy Yard. My heart goes out to all the families and friends and residents of the community. 

I spent much of my early growing up years in the shadow of the Navy Yard. My part-time home was my grandmother's corner market at 7th and L Streets. 

As you might guess the many repeated scenes of the surrounding neighborhood have brought back vivid memories. There was even footage of an ambulance passing the market that used to be my grandmother's. 

I want to share with you something I have never published before – about the market, my grandmother, and memories of the many hours my brother Lee, my cousins and I spent on the corner of 7th and L Streets, SE, in DC.

 The Trading Post Lady of 7^th and L

I think of my grandma as the Trading Post Lady of 7th and L Streets – a couple of blocks from the Navy Yard in DC.

I think of myself as growing up in two neighborhoods. On weekdays I was a white kid in a brick row house in NE. Yep, it was mostly white and Jewish. On weekends, I was a white kid in a mostly black neighborhood in SE

I remember my NE neighborhood being abuzz when actress/singer Pearl Bailey bought a house a few blocks away from my row house. Walking to school I'd peer in the windows to try to catch a glimpse of her. Never did though, so maybe it was only a rumor.

My Other Neighborhood

I spent Fridays and Saturdays in my other neighborhood. My grandmother lived above her corner grocery store at 7^th and L Streets, SE. Directly across from the back of the Navy Yard Streetcar Barn. Built in the late 1800's, the building was about a full city block. The street cars entered on M street, were serviced or repaired and exited on L Street. They were a daily part of our experience at the market.

Raskin's grocery market, 7th and L Streets SE, DC

My dad and uncle worked in the store with Grandma so my cousins and my brother Lee and I spent lots of time there. Mostly hanging around the candy counter.

A few officers from the DC Metro Police would stop in the store for an ice cold five-cent Coke and a kosher dill from the pickle barrel. Sometimes they would drive Lee around the block in a 'paddy wagon' with the siren on. Lee loved it.

Whenever I see the Marine Band on TV, my memory does a back flip to 1950. Our dad would take us to watch the band practice in front of the Marine Barracks, just a few blocks from the store.

When I wasn't eating up the candy profits, I was playing hopscotch on chalked off squares and skipping rope with kids on the block. In both of my neighborhoods, black and white, the games we played and friendships we made were pretty much the same.

Playing up the street from Raskin's Market

Friday Night Dinners – Eating in Two Shifts

Every Friday afternoon we'd travel across town to Grandma's house for Shabbat dinner. We entered her first floor kitchen to the delicious smells of matzoh ball soup, brisket, roast chicken and just-baked kugel. If we all showed up, we totaled 15. Too many for one table, so we ate in two shifts.

About the time the second shift was finishing up, there'd usually be loud pounding on Grandma’s front door. "Miz Raskin, Miz Raskin, call the police. There's been a stabbing."

For years I would wonder, "Why do they always seek out my grandma?" Finally I figured it out. She had the only telephone in the neighborhood!

And where was my grandfather? He died long before I was born. Everyone told some pretty weird stories about him though. My favorite is about him bootlegging whiskey to some Congress folk during prohibition. It ended when someone tipped off the revenuers. When they arrived they found him hiding under the coal pile in the yard. But maybe it was just a story.

So, with the help of two of her sons, Mike and Henry, Grandma continued to live upstairs and run the grocery business. She was one tough and determined lady even though she only stood 4'9''.

Trading Post and Listening Post

I think of my grandma as 'The Trading Post Lady' of 7^th and L.

The market was also a 'Listening Post.' Neighbors could catch up on the happenings and gossip. But if there was trouble on the street, someone would send a runner to the store. Day or night.

I felt pretty safe on the sidewalks at 7^th and L. Grandma's neighbors looked after us kids because she and her sons took care of them – making sure no one went hungry during the depression. And they extended credit if someone fell on hard times.

Russian immigrant Sarah Raskin and her 7^th and L Market were woven into the fabric of the neighborhood. There was mutual respect and regard.

Sure, there was the occasional shoplifting of a can of pork and beans. But get this: no one ever tried to rob the store. Not ever.

I moved away from DC when I was nine. Over the years I guess I assumed the store had been torn down as the neighborhood grew older.  Imagine my surprise to learn that while ninety percent of the neighborhood had been completely rebuilt, the original two story building is still standing on the corner of 7^th and L, surrounded by the renaissance of SE Washington, including the Nationals' ball park. 

The old Streetcar Barn, is now bright blue and called the ‘Blue Castle.’ Plans are underway for a condo development.

Lee and I visited the market a few years ago. It looks pretty much the same. I was amazed at how tiny it seems now!  And there's a bullet-proof check cashing booth off the doorway, sort of where I remember the candy counter used to be. I guess times have changed.

 

Recent photo by Lenny Raskin and Rick Raskin

These days the market is owned by a recently immigrated Korean family. But they don't live upstairs. At first, they didn’t believe us when we told about how much time we used to spend in the store. Luckily Lee thought to bring along some photos from the old days. 

I wouldn’t trade those memories of growing up for anything. I’m grateful for the life-long lessons we learned on those streets: consideration, acceptance, and respect.

On 7^th and L we were all just kids growing up together – peacefully in the shadow of the D.C. Navy Yard.

©  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

My Mother, My Daughter, Myself - And a Powerful Anniversary Reaction

By Elayne Savage, PhD

August 22 has always been difficult for me. This past one was exceptionally unsettling.

Ever since I was 12 years old I have dreaded the day. August 22 meant having to take the long drive to the cemetery to visit the graves of my mother and grandmother. It meant reliving the day we learned my mother and grandmother died together in a plane crash.

Every year I dutifully light two 24-hour memorial candles the evening of August 21st so they will  burn throughout the next day. I say a prayer for each of them, but often find myself staying detached in a weird sort of way.

This year was different.

Lighting the candles I began to sob. I couldn't stop. This has never happened before during this ritual.

As a grief therapist and having worked many years on my own delayed grief issues, I was able to connect this seemingly mysterious reaction to the fact that my daughter Jocelyn recently turning 40. My mother, Goldie, was 40 years old when she died.

What a stunning realization this has been! And for Jocelyn too when I shared it with her.

I used to think of my mother as old and dowdy. I guess a 12 year old might see her mother that way. But it was more than her age. When I look at photos from back then, she looked depleted and always sad.

And of course I think of my daughter as forever young. And vibrant. And a wise and talented Licensed Clinical Social Worker. And a terrific mother to her daughter.

How can she possibly already be 40? What happened to 32 and 35 and 37?

Actually the day my daughter turned 40 I was aware of the age connection between her and my mother. But back then I didn't anticipate the huge effect it was having on me. Until the evening I lit those candles.

Many of you know the story of the plane crash from reading previous writings or hearing me speak. However newer subscribers may not have a clue to what I'm talking about. 
(See the link at the very end below to fill you in . . .)

OK, so I'm very familiar with the concept of anniversary reactions.

OK, so I've helped psychotherapy and workplace clients navigate reactions to losses and deal with how global disasters affect functioning and productivity.

OK, so this year I find myself having an especially difficult time.

As is common for survivors of early childhood trauma and loss, I've experienced my share of these reactions. Turning 40 was a difficult birthday for me, but I saw it coming and did a little prep work. The shock came when I turned 41.That birthday surprised me because I was not at all prepared for it. Turning 41 reminded me I had reached the age my mother never had a chance to experience.

By the way, another tough time was when Jocelyn turned 12, the age I was when my mother died. But I saw that anniversary coming too and was prepared. I wonder what it will be like for me when my grand daughter turns 12!

If you, too, have dealt with anniversary reactions, what have you found helpful?

Recognizing Anniversary Reactions

You may be familiar with the term anniversary effect or reaction.  When there has been a traumatic event or disaster in our lives, we often experience emotional reactions to certain cues. It may not be immediate, but can happen down the road.

Cues, or triggers often feel like they are random, out of the blue. They may be related to dates, seasons, holidays, smells, tastes, sounds, textures, or even music and art. Can you think of other cues? Have there been some cues in your experience?

You may inexplicably become uneasy, irritable, restless, impatient, anxious, sad or fearful. You may experience a loss of appetite or find it's hard to concentrate. There may also be body responses such as headaches, neck or back pain, or stomach upsets.

You may ask yourself, “Where do all these sudden feelings come from?” Nothing in the present seems to warrant a reaction like this. 

A good explanation may be that you are re-experiencing a traumatic event from your past. Anniversary reactions are often related to a death or other loss. And as you guess, anniversary reactions are sometimes a symptom of PTSD. (See link below for more information on the connection.)

Do you think you may have had an anniversary reaction in the past and didn't know it?

It helps to realize that what you are experiencing is most likely an anniversary effect. It also helps to be prepared for it by anticipating the date or time of year that it might appear. And knowing it is usually short lived and in a week or so you'll probably feel better. If the reaction lasts for more than a few weeks and interferes with your ability to do normal tasks, consider finding a psychotherapist who understands Anniversary Reactions and works with PTSD and trauma reactions.

These reactions can sneak up on us unless we are prepared. But don't count on your reaction appearing on a certain date. It can be a season, a loved one's birthday, a particular holiday.

Often it's more subtle and elusive like certain sounds or smells in the air or the age connections I wrote about above regarding Goldie and Jocelyn. And Jocelyn and me.

Understanding the subtleties and preparing for a possible reaction is where talking with a professional can be especially useful.

Actually the day my daughter turned 40 I was aware of the connection between the ages of her and my mother. But back then I didn't anticipate the huge effect it was having on me. Until the evening I lit those candles.

Where Does It Come From?

According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a trauma it screens and files the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction – an anniversary reaction.

Even though we think we are prepared for an upcoming anniversary date, there are other layers of more subtle memories that cause a more powerful than usual response. This is what happened to me when my daughter turned the same age my mother was when she died. i simply wasn't prepared for the enormity of that reaction.
(This is just a very brief overview of the neurobiology involved. See the links below for more information.)

So What to Do? How to Best Navigate These Difficult Times

• When your reactions in the present seem out of proportion with what's going on in your life, ask yourself, “Has anything significant ever happened to me at this time of year?” It may well be an anniversary of your trauma.

• When you can, try to foresee the approach of the anniversary event. Plan to take especially good care of yourself, maybe scheduling some time to listen to and write about your feelings as the anniversary event gets closer.

• Take care of your own needs. Try to stay hydrated, get sufficient sleep, eat regularly, maybe walk in nature, breathing in the colors.

• Talk out loud to family or friends about your feelings. If this is a trauma you share with other family members, talking with them on the anniversary date can be healing for both of you. My brother, Lee, and I always make a point of connecting on August 22.

• Talking with a professional specializing in loss and grief and can help you navigate through  your experience.

• Rituals can be healing. My favorite is lighting candles. Or creating a safe, contained reminiscence of the event. Or developing a new ritual of volunteering your time or resources.

• Balance fun time and time with others with making space for quiet time with yourself. But respect your needs. Do you need a healing ritual to acknowledge your trauma or do you need some distraction from your thoughts and feelings? 

I'd love to hear your experiences with anniversary reactions and how you have handled them.

Until next time . . .

Elayne

For more about the anniversary effect:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-d-erlich-md/grief_b_1164254.html   

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201105/the-anniversary-effect

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/anniversary_reactions_pro.asp

This is a pretty cool resource site: http://www.squidoo.com/anniversary-reaction

And here's the link to the plane crash story from my blog TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Coping with the Boston Marathon Bombing

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I guess I'm writing this to comfort myself.

I've been in shock and withdrawn since the Boston Marathon bombings. Cocooning. Stuck.

I haven't been able to write the e-letter I'd planned. Or post to social media. I've been spending hours online re-reading every news update and watching the videos, even I often faint at the sight of blood.

I’m slowly coming back into the world again.

My heart goes out to the families of those who died and are injured. My heart goes out to everyone who witnessed the horror and to the residents of Boston whose space was so severely violated.

My heart goes out to everyone for whom time stands still with endless waiting for new information about the condition of loved ones and friends.

In these frozen moments families are hoping against hope and dreading against dread. 

And my heart goes out to our veterans and active-duty military who have been re-traumatized by the sounds and images from Boston.

This is an unsettling time.

The Power of Fear

When you get right down to it, I'm scared.

I find myself crumpling under the weight of the images of the bombings: the blood, the suffering of victims and their families, the hugeness of the horror.

I know this sounds weird, but there is another image that keeps running through my head. I imagine what it might have been like for Suspect #2, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, hiding from police under the tarp of that 20 foot boat in a Watertown backyard. Was he conscious? What was he thinking about as he lie there?

And in my imaginings I hear his mother's voice: "Go to your room and stay there until you think long and hard about what you've done!"

Fear brings on worry, apprehension, anxiety and feelings of helplessness, uncertainty and insecurity. It can be debilitating.

When these powerful responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.

And a small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I know this voice all too well. It whispers to me when I feel vulnerable —and becomes unbearably loud when my safety is threatened. For those of us who have experienced trauma at any age, we can go quickly to this place of fear and apprehension.

Many of us have experienced disasters in our lifetime: natural disasters, terrorist attacks, life-threatening illnesses and family tragedies. 

For me, of course, the most traumatic was the tragedy of my mother and grandmother dying in a plane crash when I was twelve. In an instant our family’s whole world turned upside down.

I also often felt afraid working as a social worker in San Francisco: unexpectedly coming across drug deals on the project stairwells when the elevators were jammed, being shot at from a window and missed by a few inches, and the time a client tried to strangle me.

Looking at Loss

Losses and disappointments play a role here as well. Most of us have experiences that can be characterized as "loss." From loss of jobs and income to loss of homes and well-being and identity . . . and hope. Loss of school friends because of a move to another city. Loss of the freedom to fearlessly attend public events. Loss of a parent through separation, divorce, illness or death. These tragedies take an emotional toll on our spirit and well-being.

These cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day tragedies.

I have learned to expect that each time I feel afraid and unsafe and insecure these memories return in a PTSD-ish kind of way. I also expect I will most likely be a little foggy, maybe irritable, and I'll have a tendency to cocoon and withdraw for a few days.

Are you experiencing some of the same reactions? I said earlier that I was writing this in an effort to comfort myself. Let me know if my musings afford you some comfort as well.

What a lonely time this can be. You, too, may find it difficult to reach out to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.

Reaching Out

Have you been able to connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then read your words out loud to yourself or to someone else. It makes all the difference.

Acting Out Instead of Talking Out

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out. Acting out is one way of releasing tension. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, slam doors or engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds up when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

As a therapist and workplace coach I've helped clients all week to process their confusion and feelings in the wake of the bombings. And I guess it's helped me as well to get through it.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea but it doesn't always go smoothly. What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you and you don't feel supported by them?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted feelings can easily get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each other's individual styles, misunderstandings can lead to anger and resentment and there's barely room for connection.

And connection with others is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping

- Give yourself permission to be upset and afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to try out a different response.

 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare or judge.

  - Make a plan and incorporate a routine. It provides structure and reassurance.

 - Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Once you create options for yourself, you won't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping into a sense of your power.

Move One Finger at a Time

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time. Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned and it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move.

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck.

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Breathe in the Colors

My own personal favorite when I'm in a negative place is to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins makes a difference to my feeling of well-being. While I'm walking I breathe in the colors around me; the trees, plants, flowers, buildings, cars. This keeps me present and grounded. And appreciative of my world.

Unblocking Energy and Moving It Around

Here's some imagery from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' which may be helpful.

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space.

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving and flowing.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

I’d very much like to hear your experiences with loss and fear. You can e-mail me at [email protected] or post under comments in the box  at the bottom this blog entry.

Resources:

Here is a terrific piece by Patricia Watson, PhD on coping with distress, traumatic stress and PTSD

http://huff.to/17GWnQt

More about Elayne's experience with the tragedy of the plane crash;

'There Is To Be No Grieving’

http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 

Honoring Your Differences Instead of Feeling Threatened By Them

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Sometimes we make someone 'bad' or 'wrong' – just because they have a different point of view or way of doing things. We don't see eye to eye and before we know it, we're taking these differences personally.

What would it take for you to appreciate, honor and respect someone else's needs and  ideas? What would it take to welcome these differences – instead of feeling threatened by them?

Allowing the space for expression of different ideas is key to successful work and personal relationships.

Too often differences in style lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentments, bitterness, and distancing. Feelings flare up with lightning speed, damaging closeness and connection.

It helps to keep in mind that neither style is right or wrong – it just is. Because the other person is not like us, we begin to think the problem lies with them. You may find yourself thinking, "If only they would change, it would solve everything." Hmmmm. What if they think YOU should be the one to change to be more like them?

Those Pesky Trouble Spots

How many of these relationship trouble spots do you recognize?

– One person needs more privacy than the other.


– One person needs definition. The other does better being vague.


– One person wants predictability. The other is pretty unpredictable.

– One is comfortable expressing feelings. The other feels awkward and vulnerable.


– One is giving (of compliments, of time, of energy.) The other tends to withhold.


– One deals with anxiety by freezing and feeling stuck. The other deals with anxiety   by mobilizing and taking charge.


– One shows caring by doing extra favors. The other misses the intent because it is too subtle. 


– One goes to bed early most nights. The other is a night owl. 


– One can give and receive apologies. The other struggles with this.


– Even differences in giving driving directions can be a source of irritation.

– And of course the biggest taking-it-personally trouble spot for couples centers around  gift giving – and receiving. Mostly from expecting the other person to read your mind, which is a set-up for hurt feelings because of unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China

It's not surprising we have different way of doing things. After all, we grew up in different families. Ways of doing things in each of our families are reflections of the generations that came before.

Style differences are influenced by our cultural upbringing. This includes family, generational and gender attitudes of course. But it also includes ethnicity, race, and nationality. Even the area of the country, the city and the neighborhood you grew up in. 

Indeed, Grandma passes down more than just her china. She and Grandpa pass down lots of family ways of looking at life and relationships – attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, expectations, disappointments and messages of acceptance and rejection. Included here are attitudes toward secretiveness, openness, trust, and displays of affection. Maybe even giving driving directions!

How often have you heard: "This is how we've always done it in my family?" Which translates to "My way is better than your way."

Wow. So much to keep in mind when interacting in personal or workplace situations!

It's OK to Be Different!

Lucky you if you were encouraged to be our own person when you were growing up. Lucky you if your individuality was appreciated. But for some of us, family members felt uncomfortable with our nonconfomity.' They needed us to be like them – and we were criticized or even punished for attempting to be our own person.

If we didn't grow up feeling accepted, it's sometimes difficult to be accepting of others. Try to remind yourself just because someone acts, thinks or feels differently than you, it does not have to be threatening. And you don't have to take it personally.

I'd love to hear your ideas on this topic. What ideas above are familiar to you? How have you handled these situations?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

There Is to Be No Grieving

by Elayne Savage, PhD

“There Is to Be No Grieving,” describes how incomplete grieving has powerful long-term effects throughout our lives.

As with others who have experienced significant childhood challenges, I’m repeatedly reminded that healing is a life-long process.

The publication of my story about delayed grieving originally appeared in Elizabeth Wagele's The Enneagram of Death – Helpful Insights by the 9 Types of People on Grief, Fear and Death.

Writing this gives me the opportunity to take a long look at important personal issues: dealing with exposure of course, as well as loss and abandonment. I can see now how I had let these deaths define me for many years.

Experiencing this healing process has been quite a journey!                                                                                                                                           

Braniff DC-3

I had just returned from overnight camp — it was my first time away from home and I missed my mother terribly. I couldn’t wait to tell her all about my week .

A few minutes after I walked in the door Mom announced she’d be leaving on a plane the next day with my grandmother. I couldn't believe it. So what if my grandmother needed medical tests at the Mayo Clinic? Why did it have to be my mother who took her? I spent the rest of the day in my room sulking.

As they were leaving for the airport I wanted to hug her and say, "Please don’t go, I need you.”

Instead, I screamed at her, “I hate you—I wish you were dead.” 

They never arrived. The plane with sixteen passengers and three crew members on board crashed into a cornfield in Swaledale, Iowa just south of Mason City. The pilot and co-pilot died. The flight hostess and six passengers survived. Debris from the crash was spread along a line of more than 500 feet. The date was August 22, 1954.

During the long layover in Des Moines, my mom learned a Braniff flight would depart earlier than her scheduled flight. What she didn’t know was the Braniff flight was a “puddle jumper,” stopping at every city en route, and a fierce storm was approaching. The Mason City flight controller instructed the pilot not to land. He decided to try anyway.

I was twelve years old. My brother Lee was nine.

Losing our mother and grandmother in a plane crash has defined us most of our lives.

The Long Wait for News

We waited into the evening for my mom to signal us from Rochester saying they had arrived safely. I was looking forward to our little phone company trick where she’d place a person-to-person call for “Aloysius.” We’d say, “Sorry, Aloysius is not here,” then we’d giggle about how we got away with something.

But the call never came.

I was absorbed in the sewing project on my lap, not paying much attention to the TV news. I had just returned from overnight camp where all the girls except me were wearing embroidered cutoffs. My dad said they cost too much to buy, so I was embroidering my own.

I heard the announcer’s ominous voice; “A Braniff DC-3 went down during a storm … on a farm …near Mason City, Iowa.” My dad jumped up, muttering something about Braniff not being the right airline. Then he was on the phone for a long time.

I just sat there, stitching. And thinking about how I had acted so badly that morning when I screamed, "I hate you, I wish you were dead!"

Search and Rescue at the crash site

 

Poof. They Were Gone 

So I was sitting cross-legged in the overstuffed chair, staring at the cutoffs in my hands. I forced myself to concentrate on pulling the needle and embroidery thread through the thick denim. In and out, making those tiny stitches, repeating to myself, “Dad said that wasn’t the right plane.” Out of the corner of my eye I could see he was still in the kitchen on the phone.

I’ll never forget the slump of his shoulders and that awful look on his face as he walked back into the living room. “Their plane crashed. Your mother is dead. So is your grandmother.” I couldn’t believe his words. I could only stammer, “You’re kidding, aren’t you? Tell me you’re kidding.”

Illustration by Elizabeth Wagele

My uncles arrived. Uncle Joe had a handkerchief tied around his neck that smelled of Ben-Gay. Uncle Max kept repeating the story of the drive to the airport. My mother and grandmother almost didn’t take the flight because my mother left her purse at home. Uncle Max gave her a wad of cash and they boarded the plane. No wonder my dad had been so long on the phone—since my mother had no purse, she had no I.D. Finally the temporary morgue was able to identify her from the inscription in her wedding band.

My nine-year-old brother, Lee, was still sleeping. “Tomorrow will be soon enough to tell him,” the adults decided. “Let him sleep.”

The next morning Dad told Lee about the crash urging, “You have to be a brave soldier.” Then Dad bundled us off to my aunt and uncle’s. I wanted to talk to Lee about the crash, but I didn’t know how. The three of us rode across town in silence. “There are only three of us now,” kept repeating in my head.

Later that morning, we were eating pancakes at my aunt’s kitchen table. The radio was on: “Two Omaha residents were killed yesterday in a Braniff Airlines crash—Goldie Raskin and her mother, Sarah Wolfson.”

“They’re dead?” my brother gasped. “Dead?” He ran out of the kitchen, sobbing.

Lee and I didn’t go to the double funeral. Dad thought it best we stay home. “The biggest funeral Omaha has ever seen,” people bragged. “There was even a police escort!”

Nothing seemed real. There was the shock of the newspaper headlines. I was embarrassed to see my mother’s picture on the front page. I wished they’d used a better photo. It was so blurry I could hardly tell it was my mom. The TV and newspaper reporters were angling for an interview with Lee and me. Thank goodness my family kept them away.

After the funeral, big-bosomed women, smelling of talc, pulled me close, clucking, “Oh, you poor baby.” I couldn’t breathe. I overheard wisps of speculations about the cause of the crash, the condition of the bodies. I learned some new information: almost half of the passengers survived the crash! I had thought everyone died.

That’s when my mind began playing tricks. “Maybe there’s a big mistake and they didn’t die after all,” would alternate with, “Why did they have to be the ones to die?” In the middle of this confusion, my camp counselor phoned me saying how sorry she was. Maybe she wasn’t upset with me anymore about the trouble I caused in the cabin. Camp seemed like a very long time ago.

Things stayed surreal for many years. My dad removed all photos of my mother. Lee and I thought he’d thrown them out, but when he died thirty years later, Lee found the albums hidden in the back of the highest shelf of his closet. He had moved with them four times, yet we never knew they existed. Shortly after she died he sold his business, took a job traveling, and hired a housekeeper. So we lost him much of the time as well.

The unspoken family rule was: There is to be no grieving. Our grief was to remain wrapped in silence.

There was no place to have feelings. It didn’t cross anyone’s mind that Lee and I would benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist. In those days it just wasn’t done. I was doing a lot of acting out—mostly getting kicked out of class and study hall for talking.

Illustration by Elizabeth Wagele

My middle school principal, Dr. Brown, tried to counsel me but I completely shut down. My high school English teacher, Marcia Blacker, tried as well, asking “Is everything okay at home?” I said, “Just fine,” but it wasn’t. (Years later I actually searched for and located Ms. Blacker and thanked her for caring.) I threw myself into schoolwork, socializing, school clubs and cheerleading so I didn’t have to feel the sadness or spend time in a lonely house.

For many decades I lived with this tender, unhealed wound. Every year I dreaded the arrival of August 22. I felt different from friends and professional colleagues. It has always been awkward to explain that my mother and grandmother died in a plane crash. People didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t cry about it.                                  

Thank goodness I was required to start therapy as part of my Psychology Master’s program in my mid thirties. Luckily I found a therapist who understood unresolved grief and abandonment fears.

I worked for many years to move past this childhood double loss.

I began to recognize my feelings of sadness and hurt and anger. I began to understand I don’t have to be a scared child any longer.

Yet something more needed to be done. Fortunately a grief counselor reminded me: in order to grieve a loss and move on we need to make it real. You’d think as a psychotherapist and relationship coach I would have known that. But we so often miss our own issues and solutions until someone else points them out.

I woke up one morning knowing the best way to make this loss real would be to arrange a private visit to the kind of plane my mother and grandmother died in—a DC-3.

Becoming a DC-3 Groupie

Finally, I gathered the courage to track one down and found a DC-3 in pristine condition in Van Nuys: the private plane of Clay Lacy, a major aviation figure. I flew from Berkeley to Los Angeles for the adventure, taking along my yellowing newspaper clippings of the crash, and brought photos of Lee, me, and our children. I carried two long-stemmed coral roses.

Interior of a DC-3

DC-3’s are really quite adorable. The plane was waiting for me on the tarmac, it’s nose high in the air and it’s tail almost touching the ground. When the door swings down it reveals the steps on its backside. I was so excited as I climbed the steps and peered into the plane. Then my heart sank: “What happened? This is not the passenger plane I was expecting.” I had no idea many DC-3′s were built solely as executive planes. This one was built for the president of United Airlines and later used by Governor Jimmy Carter. There were large, comfy chairs, burl wood cocktail tables, a sofa, and a long open bar. I thought: “Well here I am. I’ll just make the most of it.”

I ended up spending most of the time in the cockpit because I knew it would be identical to the one on the plane my mother and grandmother were on.

Their plane would have had two rows of seats on one side of the narrow aisle, and one row on the other. What a narrow, confined space it is! I understood for the first time how difficult that flight must have been for my claustrophobic mom. Taking off and landing several times along the route must have been miserable for her.

I could sense the essences of my mother and grandmother. I imagined tucking these essences into the blue pouch I brought with me. I had never used the pouch before. Now I know it was waiting for just the right time to be the guardian of something precious. I could feel my mother’s presence. We could laugh together, sharing memories.

I got up the courage to talk with her about her experience of the plane falling from the sky. I imagined her telling me her last thoughts before she died.

As I was sitting on the plane the shackles that had confined me for so many years fell away. I could feel myself rebalancing and realigning. I experienced the healing and liberation that had eluded me for so long.

Elayne and a DC-3

I guess you could say I’m becoming a DC-3 groupie! Jason Gore, a colleague and executive coach located another DC-3 for me to visit. He brought his camcorder and videotaped me as we sat on the plane. Thanks to Jason’s sensitive coaching I had a long talk with my mother that day. We were able to say things to each other that we could not say when she was alive and I was twelve years old.

I told her how her death influenced both Lee and me in the paths our lives have taken; how much I miss her and what I appreciate about her. She told me about her dreams for us and how proud she was of our successes. She assured me she would always be present in our lives, watching over us . . . and our children . . . and our grandchildren.

My visits to the DC-3s have been life changing. The best part is how this profound experience has been captured on video to share with others who are grieving.

My college roommate has reminded me over the years of my inability to grieve in those days. She thought it odd how I never talked about my mother dying in a plane crash. Recently we watched the DC-3 video together. Bette made a powerful observation: how much I’ve matured in my ability to grieve and how I have allowed my mother to mature as well. My mother and I were having an adult-to-adult conversation on the DC-3! And we could at long last develop understanding and compassion toward each other. 

Elayne following first DC-3 visit

Out of the Ashes — A Community of Survivors

Truth be told, each time I’ve told my story, I’ve fantasized someone will recognize the circumstances of the crash and contact me: "I knew someone who survived that crash" or "I know a family who lost someone on that plane."

And then it happened. The editor of the Mason City Globe Gazette interviewed Lee and me. One by one, members of the Swaledale community stepped forward to share their stories and to describe how deeply affected they are by memories of the day the DC-3 crashed in the cornfield. How neighbors volunteered for search and rescue to save the injured and protect the dead. How their farm tractors pulled ambulances through muddy fields. How they pulled down barn doors to use as stretchers.

I was stunned to learn how this community has been dealing with their own unresolved grief all these years. Just like us! Even the newspaper editor wrote, "Thank you for the opportunity to tell your story and to open another door in my life." He reflected how our reminiscences are a reminder that people heal at different speeds.

A few years ago, my brother Lee Raskin was in Iowa on business and was able to visit the farm where the plane crashed, accompanied by the daughter of the man who had owned the farm.

All these years we had been picturing the corn field where the plane crashed. What a surprise he had to discover due to rotation of crops, there were soybeans instead.

Sure wish I could have been there with him. I still have the bag of dirt he sent me from the field.

John Skipper former editor of the Globe Gazette wrote about Lee's powerful experience of closure: 'After 64 years, man finds closure in muddy Swaledale field where mom, grandma died in plane crash.' 

Passing Down Fears

For some of us it is a struggle to move on. And some of us pass our unresolved grief along to our children. I had developed massive fears that loved ones might die and I’d be left alone. And I was passing these fears along to my daughter.

One Mother’s Day brunch when Jocelyn was about twenty-one, we were recalling how she would sob uncontrollably whenever her dad or I were late picking her up from after-school care. She remembers how she agonized that we had died in an accident.

Jocelyn and I made an amazing discovery that day. She remembers outgrowing her fears about death when she was around nine years old. I‘d been working on my own abandonment fears in therapy for two years! I don’t think it’s a coincidence that once my anxiety abated, her fears lessened as well.

My fear of abandonment affected my daughter in another way: Sometimes I could feel myself holding back from showing all my love for her. I guess I felt if I showed too much love I might lose her, just as I had lost my mother and grandmother.

More recently, when my grand daughter was eight and she was babysitting me, we were eating pizza and watching the Anastasia animated film. This is the story of the daughter of Russia’s last czar, becoming separated from her family during the Russian Revolution. When Anastasia finally reunites with her grandmother, I was surprised to see her begin to cry for her mother.

She had seen this movie many times but never before sitting next to her own grandmother.

Could our fears have transferred from me to Jocelyn and now to my grand daughter as well?

Overcoming Fears

 Now I'm the grandmother, Jocelyn is the mother and Cora is the child.

I’ve been working hard to create in my life what I lost in that Iowa cornfield. I’ve been trying to do for my family what my father could not do for his—searching for ways to address our fears and overcome them together.

Because we live miles apart, for many years we had a ritual of “The Three-Girl-Photos.” It became very important to me that we would take a photo of the three of us when we are together. After all, we are the surviving women of my mother's family now!

We can fly — even soar. And carry our dreams into the world.

©  Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne's story about recovering from childhood grief appears in Elizabeth Wagele's newest book: The Enneagram of Death – Helpful Insights by the 9 Types of People on Grief, Fear and Death

or on Amazon: http://amzn.to/QLyeFk

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include as much of the following information as possible:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication and relationship coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room-Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

 

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Note: The COMMENTS included below are a compilation from the 4-part serialization of 'There Is To Be No Grieving' published previously.

 

Memorial Day: From Honoring the Dead to a Day of Dread - and Back Again

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I've dreaded Memorial Day from the time I was 12 years old.

Each year Memorial Day meant we had to take the long drive to the South Omaha cemetery to visit my mother's grave. I remember feeling so relieved when the day was over. I wouldn't have to feel those feelings  – for another year.

I hated those cemetery visits.They meant facing reality: my mother was dead. My family was different from the families of my schoolmates. I couldn't pretend I had a mother like the other the kids. 

Some of you know my story: how my mother and grandmother died when their Braniff DC-3 crashed into an Iowa cornfield:

http://globegazette.com/news/local/the-other-s-airplane-crash/article_cd0e9afa-56ce-5f39-9e53-cccb05d0de32.html

Because it wasn't handled well, healing from this loss has been a slow and painful process. The Enneagram of Death by Elizabeth Wagele will be published shortly. You'll find my story, "There is to Be No Grieving."

A Pity Party for Me, Me, Me

In my child's mind, the meaning of Memorial Day got garbled. Somehow it became all about  me, me, me -- my misery in losing my mother. 

I lost sight of the real meaning of the day. I think part of me knew the day really wasn't about my mother. I think I really did know it was to honor those who died serving their country.

Yet, my overriding memory was the dread of that long drive to the South Omaha cemetery, stopping on the way to buy flowers.

This day for honoring the dead became a day of dread. The day came to symbolize the rejection I experienced from the abandonment. Accompanying fears followed me into my adult years. Memorial Day remained difficult and depressing. I shunned picnics and barbecues.

As you might guess, isolating myself made the holiday even more lonely.

Then a few years ago something shifted for me. A good friend, a Vietnam War vet, sent me a Navy Times article describing the high rate of military suicides.

The article surely heightened my awareness of the men and women who have died in the service. Mostly, though, it got me thinking about the growing number of active duty suicides. As well as the climbing rate of suicides by veterans..

These days the statistics are shockingly higher. The Vice Chief of Staff of the Army reported 164 active-duty Army, National Guard, and Reserve troops took their own lives in 2011.

However the rate is surging in the early months of 2012. Recent Pentagon data shows 154 suicides for active-duty troops in the first 155 days of 2012!  This almost one-a-day average is 50 percent more than U.S. forces killed in action in Afghanistan.

The suicide rate for veterans is even higher. The Department of Defense now estimates 18 veterans die by their own hand every day. That would be one every 80 minutes. Over 6,500 a year. (The total number of military deaths since the start of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars is over 6,200.)

As I became aware of these numbers Memorial Day began to take on new meaning.  This year I felt connected in a way I never have before. Interestingly, I'm hearing the same from several of my coaching and therapy clients.

Have you had a similar experience? Have you, too, noticed your connection to Memorial Day has changed? Is this year different for some reason?

The Comfort of Heartfelt Reflections

This year I was also affected greatly by the abundance of poignant commentaries on death and dying in honor of Memorial Day. But perhaps I am just more open now to noticing. 

I was especially moved by two touching tributes: Writer Susie Madrak's poignant observations son combat deaths and Joe Biden's deeply emotional sentiments as he spoke to families of fallen military. I'm grateful to those who forwarded these links to me.

Madrak writes how "each soldier has a reason for being caught in a war . . . And when they die in the war, each death leaves a hole in the world . . . No loss is acceptable. Ask the parents, the spouses, the children."

http://crooksandliars.com/susie-madrak/each-death-hole-world

Vice President Joe Biden spoke to families of fallen military about the anguish of losing a loved one. “And just like you guys know by the tone of a phone call -- you just knew, didn't you? You knew when they walked up the path. You knew when the call came. You knew."  He recalls how he, too, "knew" when that call came his. The one informing his wife and infant daughter were killed in a traffic accident.

The audience laughed in recognition and understanding when he told them, "I knew people meant well, they'd come up to me and say 'Joe, I know how you feel.' I knew they meant well, I knew they were genuine, but you knew they didn't have any damn idea, right? Isn't that true?"

I sure can relate to those reflections! My memories are pretty spotty around the deaths of my mother and grandmother, but I think back to how hollow sounding people's  comments seemed. I remember thinking: "How can they say they know how I feel?"

If you haven't seen the short video, here's the clip:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57441915-503544/biden-recounts-personal-loss-shares-anguish-with-military-families/

Joe Biden's last lines remind his grieving audience – and the rest of us – how healing from a loss is a process. He speaks from his own life experiences when he promises that a time will come when "it can and will get better."  And how the time will come when thinking about the lost loved one "brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye,"

This Memorial Day has been transformative for me. It doesn't seem so long ago that I was capable only of wanting this long and agonizing day to be over. 

This year I actually celebrated the day with a barbecue! And, yes, the memory of such a good time brings a smile to my lips. And now I find myself choosing to continue my connection to Memorial Day as I write and post this blog.

Amazing.

© Elayne Savage PhD

Until next month,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 

Beating Holiday Stress: Avoiding Disappointments

By Elayne Savage, PhD

One of the biggest stressors during the holidays comes from giving and receiving gifts:

How stressful is it for you to shop for just the 'right' present?
How disappointed do you get if the gift someone someone picked out for you is below your expectations?

Whenever I present a speaking program on expectations and disappointments, the subject of gift-giving generates lots of animated discussion. Just about everyone has a story about feeling hurt, slighted or offended.

The rejection and self-rejection messages they tell themselves go like this:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

And if you are the gift-giver, do you try to read someone's reaction through their expression and body language? Do you imagine you are seeing disappointment on the face of the person you are trying so hard to please?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more time and money than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item at the discount store?

What do you tell yourself?

Some of us have never forgotten our childhood disappointments. When any new disappointment comes our way, it often brings up the anxiety associated with those old childhood feelings.

Each Family Has Their 'Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different ways of giving and receiving presents.

Some us grew up with checks or gift cards. Others feel slighted when we receive this kind of gift. In our mind, not shopping means not caring.

And then there's the issue of whether to exchange a gift or not. Some of us would never think of exchanging a gift, we think we have to keep it even if we'll never use it. Taking it back to the store feels disloyal or rude. Others wouldn't hesitate to exchange the gift for something they can really use.

Disappointments Feel Like Rejection

Here are some tips for avoiding disappointment and the feelings of rejection that go along with it.

- Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to try to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.

- Why not offer two or three gift suggestions? OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. Then ask the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
 buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.
It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

There are so many things that can happen during the Holidays that can easily and quickly mess up your experience. You can be criticized for your choices, intruded upon by questioning or scrutiny, manipulated (again!) into doing things you don’t really want to do, get stuck doing all the food preparation or cleanup, get caught between relatives who don’t like each other (but you love them both!), or have a friend or relative regale you (for hours!) with their depressing stories and problems.

There are things you can do to get through these differently this year. Not only that, but what you learn this year will strengthen you for next year!

You can start along the path to enjoyable Holidays by giving yourself the gift of self-appreciation , , ,

Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year to you!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Rewriting the Messages of Childhood

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Wendy Wasserstein was the first woman playwright to win a Tony Award, and a Pulitzer as well for 'The Heidi Chronicles.'

She died of lymphoma in 2006. She was 55 years old.

In Julie Salamon's 'Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Uncommon Life of Wendy Wasserstein' we understand how the onslaught of childhood rejection messages affected the woman she grew into.

Wendy's Story - "Look at That Fat Girl"

The mother, Lola Wasserstein, pushed Wendy to succeed yet undermined her with criticism. The book describes how, walking down the street together, Lola Wasserstein might point to the crowd and inform her daughter, “They are all looking at you and thinking, ‘Look at that fat girl.’

It's no surprise that Wendy had a life-long discomfort with her body.

Any of us who grew up with family secrets can relate to how it must have felt for Wendy to learn as an adult that there was a fifth brother who was never spoken about. First-born Abner had been sent away to an institution years earlier.
 
Wendy grew up shrouding herself in her own secrets. She made friends easily and people felt connected to her, yet Salamon writes that she used “humour as a dodge, intimacy as a smoke screen.” She had great difficulty connecting with friends on an authentic level. Her closest friends wondered how well they knew her. She had a baby at age 48, never revealing the identify of the father.

Wendy was the youngest of five born to Polish immigrant parents who had big dreams for their children. And surely they were ultra-achievers.

Sandra, the eldest, became a high-ranking corporate executive. She died at age 60, a few years before Wendy's death. Georgette, the middle daughter, became the successful owner of a large country inn in Vermont. Bruce was a billionaire investment banker who died in 2009 at age 61. His death was surrounded by secrecy as was much of his life. Another testimony to the power of the childhood messages he grew up with.

Let's take a look at how the experiences we have in childhood can affect our personal and professional lives as adults. And then consider what we can do to change that.

Wendy Wasserstein once said: "Sometimes if you can create order out of experiences, it lets you pass through them."

The stories below happen to be messages from families. Some of the most damaging messages, however, come from teachers and peers.

Hannah's Story - "They'll Find Out I'm an Imposter"

Hannah's mother would say, "What makes you think you can do that?" And Hannah tried so hard to please her, but the response would be "you didn't do a good enough job - you really disappoint me."

Is it any surprise that Hannah, a successful consultant, becomes overly anxious before each client meeting. She tells  herself: I'll disappoint them for sure. I won't be as good as they expect me to be."

Our work together concentrates on how she can build on her successes and not automatically jump to those negative messages from childhood. We focus on the situations where she has been effective. Doing a good job no longer has to be dependent on her impossible-to-please-mother! What would it take for her to stop taking that old message so personally?

Ryan's Story - "I Feel Like the End of the Food Chain"

"'That idea is foolish' my mother would say." My needs or style were never honored. I was expected to do things their way. To think like them. I never had a say. I felt invisible and inadequate."

And this situation is recreated often in Ryan's contract work interactions. Once again he feels powerless, afraid to rock the boat with clients, hearing the old childhood refrain in his head: "Don't upset your mother." These days this translates to, "Don't upset the client."

Related to this is the childhood injunction: "Don't questions us - it's disrespectful."

This means Ryan had to guess the meaning when it was not clear. And in his family, communication was often murky - full of undefined meaning.

You can imagine how this plays out in his dealing with clients who are fuzzy in communicating their ideas and goals for a project. "It's sure hard to keep persevering and go after direct answers when the message of 'Questioning is bad' plays in my head."

Working together our job is to find ways for Ryan to move past those powerful growing up messages. To separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Can Ryan remind himself that as a young person he felt he did not have options for responding. Can he remind himself that as an adult he does have the power of choice. If only he can stay in the  present and not get overwhelmed by the past.

Julia's Story - "I Feel Obligated To Take Care of Others"

"My mother's message to me was 'You don't need a romantic relationship or friends. You have me.' And in fact she was my drinking buddy when I was in high school. I took care of her then. And I still do.

"I guess I feel obligated to take care of others. I can see how I choose under-functioning boyfriends that I can 'save.'" Then my own needs get lost and I'm not taking very good care of myself.

We looked at how Julia can nurture herself. She decided to concentrate on healthful ways of doing this: Long walks with a friend, yoga classes, regular massages, eating mindfully.

Providing a Mirror

I'm curious what kinds of rejection, non-acceptance messages were passed down throughout the generations in the Wasserstein family. It's fascinating to show my clients how to diagram a 3-generational Genogram, noting the spoken (and unspoken) messages that are passed down.

'Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China.' is one of my most popular workshops (and a section in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!').
She and grandpa also pass down family traditions, attitudes, beliefs, myths, scripts, roles, rules, expectations, disappointments, and rejection messages. And if we're lucky, we get a dose of acceptance, respect  and validation as well.

Every day in my relationship and workplace coaching practice I hear similar stories to those told here. I'm sharing a few with you because stories like these provide a mirror for you to remember your own experiences, create order out of them, imagine choices for change, and pass through them.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Do you, too, have childhood memories to share? And how have they affected your personal or professional relationships? I'd very much like
to hear your stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
[email protected]

And let me know if I can be a resource to you in any way.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

When 'Gratitude' Takes on Personality

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Thanksgiving has always been a favorite holiday. Although I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to take it for granted. A perfunctory thanks before the meal was about the extent of  my display of gratitude. And then I could get on with the pleasure of eating - especially all that unhealthy, crispy turkey skin that I adore.

'Gratitude' Becomes More Than a Word

Then, a few years ago, something shifted. I now find myself creating the space to bring the meaning of gratitude and appreciation into my life - often.

I appreciate so many things, large and small. From smiles from strangers I pass on the street to someone responding positively to a favor it took me days to work up to asking for, to folks graciously letting me give something back to them.

But a big-ticket appreciation item is how grateful I am for the wonderfully supportive people in my life. Many are old friends, one even goes back to junior high school and we reconnected at a high school reunion a few years ago. Several from high school and college. Some of these enduring relationships are from my first real job, decades ago. I'm actually spending this Thanksgiving with my college roommate and her family.

I'm grateful when I've been able to reconnect to friends after losing contact. The reconnection could happen because one of us reached out, and the other was open and receptive. Sometimes there has been an intermediary who was the catalyst.

These are special friendships because they could easily have been lost forever. So, I count my blessings that you are in my life.

When the Student is Ready, the Teacher Will Appear

I appreciate the Buddhist saying: "When the Student is ready, the Teacher will appear."

I'm grateful for my mentors and teachers and the opportunities presented. I'm especially grateful that I have the wisdom (OK, maybe intuition) to be open to receive.

I have learned much from family, friends, therapy and coaching clients. And from you, too, readers who have received these e-letters and responded with your own ideas and thoughts.  I'm grateful to you.

"Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble"

This year has had its share of drama. There were surely times I was knocked off my center and landed with a big thud. Or maybe it was more of a splat.

The nightmare started last spring. Of all the times I've been interviewed as an expert on cyber abuse, I never dreamed I'd become the target of a malicious action by someone I hardly knew decades ago. The outpouring of support by family, friends, and from folks I've never met, was so important to keeping my sanity.

So, thanks for helping me stand again. And for helping me tap into my resilience which had become momentarily obscured. And for your unmistakable caring.

The Dreaded Birthday Arrives

And more recently, I so appreciate how friends and family rallied around me when I had a difficult birthday. I have officially arrived at the age my father was when he died and I have been hugely affected by this rite of passage.

And yet, the Phoenix rises! It feels like a breakthrough year is in the process of happening. It feels that whatever was holding me back from reaching some goals, just went 'poof' into thin air. Much like the animated puff of virtual smoke on my Mac when I drag an icon off the Doc or toolbar.

The birthday celebration went on for weeks. It became the ritual I needed it to be.

There are people in my life that seem to know what to say and when to say it. Even when they are not present because of distance or circumstance, they still have the ability to touch my heart. So, I want to say how grateful I am for this insight and intuition and ability to be able to tune in and be present.

And I'm grateful, too, for all the healing that takes place in our hearts and minds and physical beings to make us and the world healthy, strong and humane.

As I was writing these words about embracing a wider perspective, an email arrived from a professional speaker colleague linking to a WSJ article mentioning Naikan.

The Buddhist practice of Naikan is a method of self-reflection which helps us understand ourselves, our relationships and the fundamental nature of human existence. Naikan translates to "inside looking" or "introspection."

Naikan reflection is based on three questions:

 - What have I received from ..........?
 - What have I given to ..........?
 - What troubles and difficulties have I caused ..........?

Hmmmm. That 'troubles and difficulties' part gives pause. Especially for some of us who are natural born shit-kickers.

Sometimes taking responsibility for our actions can be difficult . . .
If you want to understand more about Naikan, here's a link:
http://www.buildlife.org/cl/naikan.htm

Tips for Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

I usually give some Thanksgiving get-together tips for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so personally when you are talking to the turkeys at the dinner table.
Here you go:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/11/thanksgiving-ga.html

For many of us, receiving appreciation isn't easy. Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Your support, emails and phone calls mean a lot to me. I appreciate you. And I'm always grateful when you send me ideas to write about in this blog.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultationservices visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Relationship Spring Cleaning

By Elayne Savage, PhD

What better time than spring to clear out relationship clutter?

Why not toss things you've been stockpiling? You could chuck misunderstandings. Donate hurt feelings. And give anger and resentment the heave-ho.

Even small misunderstandings add up when they result in hurt feelings. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something.) The other person takes it personally. Feelings get hurt. Anger takes over. And that sneaky, insidious resentment starts creeping into every nook and cranny of your relationship. Soon you find it is taking up so much space there's no room for connection and respect.

Your relationship gets de-railed.

This is what happens between Allison and Terry. Allison finds herself getting upset whenever Terry comes home later than agreed upon.

Allison's anxiety builds. By the time Terry walks through the door, she blasts all of her stockpiled fury at him. Right between the eyes. Then she recites a litany of all the times he has been late in the past.

Finally she gathers the courage to talk with Terry directly, honestly and sincerely. She tells him how hurt and disrespected she feels each time he is late. She tells him how hurtful it is each time he breaks his promise to her. And he listens.

Allison gets Terry to understand how she is a worrier. How whenever he is late she thinks the worst. She is able to tell him clearly and directly that she needs him to make every effort to show up when he said he will. And if he is occasionally delayed, she needs him to call her before the agreed upon time, so she does not worry.

This isn't an easy talk to have. By putting words to her feelings Allison begins the process of clearing out of all that built up resentment. And she discovers enough space opens up where she and Terry can bring respect and positive energy back into their relationship.

Does resentment take up space in your relationships? How much time do  you spend dwelling on hurt feelings and disappointments.

Clearing out resentment creates the space you need to renew respect for yourself and the people in your life. It helps you get back on track.

This goes for work relationships too. The hurdles are the same: Feeling rejected or fearing rejection. Feeling misunderstood. Feeling disappointed and not appreciated. Feeling invisible.

"But This is How We Do It in My Family . . ."
The key to productive relationships is mutual respect.

We all grew up in different families. We learned different styles of rules, beliefs and values.  Perhaps you grew up in different cultures which includes gender, ethnicity, religion and even region of the country.

You don't have to let these differences of style create relationship problems.

Whenever you are having a discussion with your coworker, or boss or romantic partner, be aware there are more than two of you in the room. Each of your ancestors are there as well, putting in their two cents, clamoring for attention; "Our family way is the best way!"

Instead of feeling threatened by your differences, why not create the space to honor them? Why not make an effort to respect others "ways" even though they may not think or act the same as you?

Feeling accepted and respected by others is vital to productive work and personal relationships. But what if you don't feel this acceptance? When we don't feel respected,  we feel rejected. And rejection hurts.

Rejection hurts
It hurts to feel criticized or slighted or condescended to. It's painful to feel dismissed or discounted or dispensable.

We tend to collect these hurts. We pile them into containers. They keep growing until they become resentments. And when a lover or friend or coworker says or does something that sets off the trigger, the container explodes. The moldy mess inside seeps over everything and everyone.

Getting Back on the 'Respect Track'
So how can you get your personal or professional relationship back on the respect track?

Here is where the notion of reciprocity comes in.

Reciprocity describes how one response leads to another as individual behavior affects the behavior in the relationship. This in turn affects the individual behavior of the folks interacting. 

Here's an example from 'Breathing Room:' 
". . . #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and on it goes, with no beginning and no end.

In other words, #1 doesn’t do it to #2. #2 doesn’t do it to #1. They do it with each other.  Each partner’s behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior."

You can change any personal or work relationship. All it takes is for one person to change. Because relationships are relational one change affects another. When the relationship changes, it can lead to more individual change. And on and on.

Once both of you realize your differences are most likely differences of style, neither of you have to protect your space needs so fervently. This allows the room to connect in an open and honest way.

The Eyes Have It
Here's where the idea of reciprocity comes in. Long-time readers of this e-letter and workshop participants have heard me suggest this tip before. It's perfect for cleaning out resentment and bad feelings in work or personal relationships: Wouldn't you agree that when you feel put off by a partner or coworkers ways, you respond negatively?Kind of like a metaphorical rolling of the eyes or turning up of the nose?
So rather than continuing this negative interaction, why not attempt to change it?

Here's how: try to find something you can like and respect about the other person. Granted this isn't easy to do when so much negativity has  built up. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Can you appreciate their smile, intelligence or sense of humor? What about their taste in clothes or colors? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with SOMETHING.

Once you identify a feature, try to focus in on this during your next interaction. Then try it a second and even a third.

When they see respect in your eyes they will probably respond to it. You'll be amazed at how quickly the situation can change for the better.

Don't be surprised if you notice respect coming right back at ya! And we all can use a little respect. It's good for the soul.

Until next time,

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2009

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits
By Elayne Savage, PhD

A very un-Thanksgiving-like phrase parades through my mind:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity."

For over 15 years in interviews, articles and workshops I've been offering tips for handling Thanksgiving get-togethers and obnoxious relatives. Ways to  replace attitude with gratitude. Never did I dream I'd be writing words about crisis and danger.

This year for many of us, the usual cornucopia of plenty is bursting forth instead with scarcity.

And yet perhaps we can rummage around in there to find some positives - turning stumbling blocks into building blocks.

 Crisis Tends to Light a Fire

In 'Don't Take It Personally!' I write how danger and opportunity mirror each other:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity. Crisis tends to light a fire that can initiate positive action.

Crisis allows people to dip deeply within, to open doors that have heretofore been closed, to breathe energy into new directions, to be creative out of necessity.

. . . in childhood you developed lifesaving strategies to help you get through those difficult years. These qualities may have come from existing in a crisis mode, but now you can offer yourself an opportunity to transform them into highly functional skills . . .

Imagine taking a step or two away and walking alongside yourself. What do you notice? How are you moving? Do you have energy? Are you tense or are you relaxed? What is your breathing like? Are you really breathing? Are you smiling? Could you be happy?

 . . . By walking alongside yourself, you can be more objective about yourself. You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?

. . . a good way to transform crisis into opportunity is to survey the past and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this that I can use in the present and perhaps carry into the future with me?” This attitude allows you to develop a new approach to life in which you see things from a different perspective and make new choices."

from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

A Very Different Thanksgiving

Last year at this time  I wrote about economic stresses and strains. However the idea of crisis didn't even cross my mind back then.  Wow. It certainly has magnified, hasn't it? This Thanksgiving it seems we have to work double time to muster up some gratitude.

We are painfully aware how these economic times affect each of us and those we love. As a workplace and relationship coach, I hear many stories every week.

Since my style of working with clients is to enhance strengths and positives, sometimes I find myself scrambling to come up with valuable reframes and take-aways.  It's harder than ever this year because relationships are especially strained by dashed hopes, stretched budgets, and lost jobs, homes, and physical and emotional health.

For sure, this is a very different Thanksgiving. Being thankful during this painful time is a real stretch.

Yet many of you have told or written me about how, in spite of the hardships, your perspective has changed in some wonderfully positive ways.

Something has shifted in how you think about the things you used to take for granted.

Transforming Crisis into Opportunity

You tell me how this experience of scarcity creates a new determination to reflect and respond differently. Many of your ideas are amazingly creative.

You talk about how you are rethinking priorities. And using the extra time to spend with friends or family. You talk about fueling  your passions. Taking one or two professional courses - and some fun ones, too. Exploring hobbies. And thankfully getting some stuff done you've been putting off forever.

Seems to me the phrase 'thinking out of the box' is taking on new meaning.

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity..."

A Time for Reflection

As for me, I'm grateful to have time for some quiet reflection on what each new day brings. And apropos of this,  I want to share a recent piece by Roy H. Williams, The Wizard of Ads, from his 'Monday Morning Memo':

                                   My Holiday Gift to You ... For Real
                                              by Roy H. Williams

Tom Hennen has a line in his poem, The Life of a Day, that says,“We examine each day before us with barely a glance and say, ‘no, this isn’t one I’ve been looking for,’ and wait in a bored sort of way for the next, when we are convinced, our lives will start for real.”

That line is a little bit frightening because you read it and realize you’re guilty. You’ve been waiting for that day when your life will start “for real.”

The trouble with life is that it’s just so daily.



I share this with you because I’ve been thinking about my two grandfathers who are dead and my father who is likewise and I’ve come to the obvious conclusion:

Live while you have the chance.

“Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he laid his hat was his home…” 
- The Temptations, 1971

In the final moments of his life, my father scribbled a note for me to find. In barely legible pencil he scrawled, “All the little things in life add up to your life. If you don't get it right then nothing else matters. It gets lonely in the promised land by yourself.”

My Dad died lonely, I think, because he never made deep commitments. My father’s confession of his loneliness makes me sad, but his scribbled note tells me he wanted me to learn from his mistake.



I meet a lot of people who sigh deeply and say they’re looking for their passion, something to set their souls on fire and send beams of light shining out through their eyes.

But the people with light shining from their eyes know this:

Passion does not produce commitment.
Commitment produces passion.



Solomon, that wise king, spent years of his life searching for passion. In chapter 9 of the chronicle of that search, the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”

People read that and think Solomon is saying, "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die," but that's not it at all. He's saying, "Throw your whole heart into whatever you do. Live while you have the chance."

This is my Holiday gift to you,

I hope you will receive it:

Find something that needs to be done

and throw yourself headlong into it.

Let today

be the day

your life begins

for real. 

Roy H. Williams
www.MondayMorningMemo.com

Opportunity awaits . . .

And if you can use some Thanksgiving get-together tips for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so personally, here you go:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/11/index.html

© Elayne Savage,PhD

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Exploited! - Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2009

 

Exploited! Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The Balloon Boy story is old news now . . . and you're probably as over-saturated with hearing about the runaway mylar balloon as I am. Yet, I just can't get the story out of my head.

I guess I'm taking it personally. Personal memories started running rampant whenI learned how six year Falcon and his brother were exploited by the parents.

The recent court affidavit states the mother admits the whole saga was a hoax. They knew all along that Falcon was hiding in the residence. The parents instructed their three children to lie to authorities as well as the media.

Exploitation has lots of facets: taking advantage of, using, manipulating, misleading, profiting from, coercing.

Taken Advantage Of at Work

The Balloon Boy saga reminds me of the many disturbing stories I hear as a workplace coach:

- When bosses take advantage of employees

- Or employees take advantage of bosses

- How someone takes credit for a coworker's idea

- Someone pushes work onto another member of the team

- When a manager or co-worker asks someone to 'cover' or even to 'cover up' for them

- Feeling like a 'doormat' because of someone's attitude

- Finding yourself on the receiving end of inappropriate comments or actions

- And you know there's lots more . . .

The bigger your overreaction to these types of actions, the greater the chances you've experienced some form of manipulative, coercive or exploitive behavior in the past.

Taken for Granted By Family or Friends

There are times we feel used by family or friends as well.

You might feel taken for granted when:

- Someone asks for favors, but rarely offers to reciprocate.

- A friend contacts you when they want something. Asking how you are doing seems      like an afterthought.

- A relative borrows money but doesn't return it . . . and they don't return your messages either.

- Your friend is always 25 minutes late for a lunch date, and as the minutes tick by, you feel more and more unimportant. At least that's not quite as bad as your ex-friend who used to totally forget you had a date and not show up at all.

And again, most of us have much less patience for these behaviors when we have a history of experiencing them.

Resentment Builds, Trust Erodes and Future Relationships Suffer

It's hard not to take these things personally. Because they are so hurtful, they feel like injustices and rejections. And if these experiences repeat, resentment builds, trust erodes, and future relationships suffer.

So I've been figuring out why I got so upset by the Balloon Boy hoax. It brings up all the times I've felt taken advantage of. Often it was by people I trusted to protect me. Some of it started in childhood, but it impinges on present  personal and professional situations.

I, too, was glued to the TV mesmerized by the mylar balloon floating over Colorado. I watched as the story of the six year old boy unfolded. I watched as we learned he was not only told to lie low.He was also told to tell a lie.  As I watched him get tangled in the web of deception and exploitation, I was getting sick to my stomach.

No wonder the Balloon Boy vomited while telling his story on two television shows.

This kind of exploitation reminds me of my Child Protective Services days. As you can guess, we heard lots of horrible stories of abusive exploitation of children.  One that got to me the most, however, was the mother who trained her four year old daughter to crawl under restaurant tables, remove billfolds from purses, and bring them back to mom's table.

Watching the Balloon Boy hoax I  was getting pretty upset. The family perpetrated a hoax on the media. The media bit the bait and perpetrated a hoax on the rest of us. I felt swindled. Duped. Bamboozled.

Maybe I was getting upset remembering the how that little girl was coerced to steal billfolds. Maybe I began reliving my own growing up experiences with a stage mother mom who pushed me to perform. She was the one with long-time stage ambitions and visions of fame. It wasn't me. I just wanted to be a kid.

"Hit a Home Run for Me!"

This is a good example of vicarious parenting. It is a form of exploitation - coercion is often involved. The sad result is a rejection of the child's authentic identity.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:
    "When parents try to live their lives vicariously through their children . . . some  confusion about personal boundaries, they don’t know where they stop and where someone else begins. Vicariousness is often a form of coercion. Children often feel pushed beyond their comfortable limits, but are afraid to say “no” to a parent.

    Vicarious parents encourage their children to meet their own unmet goal — vocationally, religiously, or romantically. Or they urge the children to live out their own unfulfilled dreams by being the “performer” the parents never quite became—in school, on the stage, on the playing field.

    These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own     competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children     fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed. The children may lose their sense of self, trading “self” for service to the parents."

Sometimes parents or grandparents want to 'shine' in the eyes of other relatives, coworkers, or friends. They brag about a child's accomplishments to look good. One women told me that her dad bragged  about her art talent to all the relatives. Yet never once did he tell her directly that he was proud of her work.

Bragging Rights

The following is a pretty subtle form of exploitation, but I hear stories about it all the time.   The child is made to feel incompetent so the parent can feel more useful. This behavior sometimes continues into adulthood as well.

Again from 'Don't Take It Personally!':

    “My mom seemed to be waiting for me to mess up so she could step in  and     rescue me,” remembers Georgia. “Sometimes she’d ask me to do chores around the house that were too difficult for me. Then she’d step in and  show me ‘how to do it better . . . . and take over." Georgia did the same when she grew up, taking over for her husband, then chiding him for being 'helpless'". Hmmm. Wonder where she learned that!

I've mentioned before that 20 years ago I served on a National Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. Exploiting/Corrupting is one of the categories we defined:    
    "Encouraging child to develop self-destructive, antisocial, criminal, deviant, or other     maladaptive behaviors (This includes micromanaging the child’s life, encouraging     developmentally inappropriate drug-related or sexual behavior, or interfering with appropriate     autonomy or cognitive development. It also includes using the child as a pawn in divorce     proceedings.)"

And back to the Balloon Boy: Coercing the child to lie to protect the parents is surely a maladaptive behavior. And it has long term effects on our view of the world and the people in it.

Tips for When You Feel Taken Advantage Of

Here are some tips for dealing with an inequitable situation.
This happens to be a workplace example,but you can most likely
adjust it for a personal situation.

Step One:  Describe the behavior in observable, non-blaming terms. "I've been noticing that I seem to be getting the more time-consuming jobs assigned to our team." (This frames the interaction from your own perception in a way that the other person feels less defensive and less likely to argue.)

 

Step Two:   Describe how you felt about the action.  "I get upset (hurt, angry, upset, confused) that it seems so uneven lately.

Step Three:  Describe how you explained the action to yourself. For example, "When I get these complicated assignments, it does not feel fair." (Note: In certain appropriate personal situations you might want to add how the behavior re-creates old messages from childhood. "This is the same situation as when my older sister used to give me the jobs she didn't want to do." Use this step selectively  only in situations where it feels safe. Probably not with most  coworkers or bosses.)

Step Four:   Describe how you would like the interaction to go next time. "In the future I need to know that assignments are being made equitably. This will do a lot to enhance everyone's productivity."

When have you felt taken advantage of? What do you remember about it? How it has affected your subsequent relationships or situations. I'd love to hear your experiences.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
September, 2009

 

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Spankings hit the news again. Each time a news story appears, I seem to get more passionate about the subject - both professionally and personally. This recent research shows that spankings and other forms of corporal punishment can cause damage to intelligence.

In one study Dr. Murray Strauss of The University of Hampshire and Dr. Mallie J. Paschall of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation conducted 4 year longitudinal studies on 1510 young children.

Dr. Strauss has studied the effects of corporal punishment for 50 years. By the way, his ideas were a major influence on my doctoral dissertation research twenty years ago on the rejection aspects of abuse.

Dr. Strauss talks about a common misconception: “We hear that it’s OK to hit younger children because they won’t remember it . . . This evidence says it’s worse for children between two to six, that the younger child is the most vulnerable.” And his studies on the IQ of abused children seems to bear this out.

A few years ago another research study hit the news. It was reported that ‘mild’ spanking was not especially dangerous to children. The researchers define it as "striking with an open hand on the buttocks, hands and legs without inflicting physical injury."

Many folks get confused by the difference between 'Discipline' and 'Punishment.' Disciplining doesn't have to mean physical punishment. When do 'spankings' become 'whippings' become 'beatings'? I question the conclusion of that study - that mild childhood spankings don't appear to create lasting harm into adolescence.

The Long-term effects

Consider looking at spanking as causing long term effects no matter how ‘mild’ it might be. And the effects are more far-reaching than lower IQ scores.

For many years I worked Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement in San Francisco. Sadly, many of the adolescents I supervised in placement were the very same kids I saw removed from their homes ten or fifteen years before. Often this was because spankings got so out of control that was no longer safe for them to remain in that environment. And the same look of apprehension, uneasiness, fear, and anxiety that I saw when they were little was still etched on their adolescent faces.

Physical abuse is defined as any act resulting in a non-accidental trauma or physical injury. But physical injuries don't have to be broken skin or broken bones. It doesn't take much to leave red marks, welts, or bruises on a small child.

Emotional Welts and Bruises

What about the emotional welts and bruises?

Physical bruises usually heal; emotional bruises frequently do not. It’s not the spanking alone that causes long-term damage. It's more complicated than that.

The accompanying emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. It affects their world view forever. These experiences determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.

All these years later adult clients I see in therapy recall feeling terrified at 'that look' in their parents' eyes. Intense anger or rage on the adult's face can be terrorizing for some children especially if there is an out-of-control quality to it. They live on the edge, waiting for the whipping to come again.

Fear and anxiety are their constant companions. It is not a matter of IF it would come, but WHEN it would come. They are always holding their breath, waiting for the next blow to fall, trying to protect themselves from physical or emotional pain.

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes a part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and lovers.

About 20 years ago I served on a national Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. We carved out definitions of psychological maltreatment and it's long-term effects.

Psychological maltreatment is embedded in all forms of child abuse. It conveys the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or endangered.

Children feel disregarded and unprotected. Can you see how rejection is the common thread that runs throughout these perceptions?
When children look to someone for love and protection and that person hurts and betrays them, how can there not be long-term emotional damage?

Trust is Fragile

Trust is so fragile, and some children are more sensitive to messages of rejection than others. When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? They may ask themselves, "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me like this?" What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone? Messages like this are so confusing. When they become adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Some will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again. And others will become abusive themselves.

 A View from the Landing

As you may have guessed, spankings were a part of my childhood. My mom would warn, "Just wait until your father gets home." And my brother and I waited. Terrified of what would follow when we went with him down to the basement.

Often it started with an open hand, but if he thought my brother or I wasn't getting the "message" the next step was the telephone cord. He'd strip away the black sheathing, exposing the brightly colored individual wires. I remember some of them still had metal pieces attached to the ends.
But what really hurt the most, was that I sensed my mother standing on the basement landing, listening to our cries

A Scrapbook of Memories

Once a client brought in a 1950's wooden scrapbook her father had made to display her childhood poems. He painstakingly used a jigsaw, cutting her name into a piece of wood and gluing it onto the wooden cover. It was a loving gesture.

I found myself staring at the colorful lacing holding the two pieces of wood together, There was something eerily familiar about it. At first I couldn't place it. I was stunned when I recognized what it was. The brightly colored cord her dad used to fasten it together was telephone wire.

I couldn't stop my tears.

In Praise of Praise

Consider the idea of ‘praise not punishment.‘ We know from many studies over the last 30 or 40 years that the best way to encourage a desired  behavior is to offer praise or a reward when it occurs. The best way to extinguish an undesirable behavior is to ignore it.

Here are some tips on praising behavior from Alan Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic:

1. Superenthusiastic
2. Specific to the desired behavior
3. Reinforced with a smile or a touch
4. Frequent
5. And immediately following the desired behavior

http://health.usnews.com/blogs/on-parenting/2008/02/04/praise-a-child-right-and-youll-get-results.html

I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories about the long term effects of spankings for ideas about praise not punishment.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
 http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
May, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
 2.  Dreaming of Redeeming
 3.  The Birthday Party Surprise
 4.  The Poem I Didn't Write
 5.  Humiliated for the Rest of My Life
 6.  Oh No. Not Another Mess Up
 7.  Making Room for Good Stuff
 8.  Contacting Elayne
 9.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Corrective Emotional Experience . . . I've always loved the sound of these words. Ever since I learned the phrase in Psychology 101 decades ago. It sort of rolls off the tongue.

I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones
from our past.

Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.

What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or doe something hurtful it's hart not to take it to heart. These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.

All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out  positive and validating responses from people. We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Then, along comes a chance event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. The trick is to recognize it.

Something changes for us.

In the way we see ourselves. In the responses we expect from people around us. In the quality of our connection to others.

Yes, something changes.

For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. And we glide to that dark place too quickly and easily.

Yet, something could be different this time. For whatever reason, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.

You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. You may feel accepted - validated, appreciated and well regarded.

Dreaming of Redeeming Myself

I just had an experience like this. It was a corrective emotional experience. And it was transformational.

It involves The Washington Post.

You see, I have a painful history with The Washington Post. When I was six years old and living in DC, I had a devastating experience connected to the paper.

And being such an overly sensitive child, for years this experience colored my sensitivity to what other people think of me.

I recently had the chance to add a new chapter to my history with the Post. One that is washing away the bad feelings of the past.

The Birthday Party Surprise

When I turned six, my mother gave me a birthday party. It was weird having friends over to my house, sitting around our dining room table. Because it made my mom jittery to have anyone over, friends and relatives were rarely invited. Can you imagine how surreal the birthday party was?

But there's more. In the middle of the ice cream and cake, the phone rang. It was for me!

On the other end was a man from The Washington Post. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

What poem? What prize? I was confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it.

She wrote the poem the way a six year old might write it. She sent it to the newspaper with my name attached. She didn't tell me

The Poem I Didn't Write

How was I going to read that poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. So she made me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother, next to the kitchen table, practicing the poem. She'd say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write:

"I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post."

She drilled those words into my head. Day after day.

Then there was the long streetcar ride to the radio station on the other side of town.  As I said, my mom got nervous around people, especially in the outside world. Most especially on streetcars. She made me practice the poem the entire ride. Can you imagine how nerve-racking that ride was? For both of us!

When we arrived at the radio station, I was overwhelmed by all the gleaming microphones and glassed-in producer's booths. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. I was shaking.

Then it was time for me to say my poem.

I messed up. I forgot the words.

Humiliated for the Rest of My Life

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to this popular radio station to hear me read my poem. And their 'big star' daughter messed up. I let them down. Big time.

It was a humiliating experience. I have never forgotten the terrible rejection and judgment I felt from my family.

I've been interviewed by hundreds of media outlets over the last 15 years. Many of these have been large daily newspapers in this country and Britain. But never by the Washington Post.

As you might imagine my dream has been to be interviewed by The Washington Post. I wanted to redeem myself. To be able to flip the terrible embarrassment I experienced as a child.

Then it happened. I was asked by reporter Theola Labbé-DeBose to join her in co-hosting an online discussion for the Washington Post.

Oh No. Not Another Mess Up

It didn't go smoothly, I sort of messed up. I had never co-hosted a webinar before. I might have guessed that typing in answers to reader's questions could prove difficult. My disabilities got in the way.

I'm a little arthritic and mildly dyslexic. Enough to make typing difficult. I spend as much time correcting inverted letters as I do in the actual writing. (When you think about it, it's quite amazing I've written two books and hundreds of articles!)

I had another struggle during the webinar.

I had trouble moving back and forth between all the pages. There was the new questions list, the actual online discussion page, the backstage chat module between me, my co-host, and the producer. Whew.

And wouldn't you know it, my computer chose this time frame to run frustratingly slowly.

I was exceedingly slow in responding. Once my co-host even wrote to me, "Elayne are you there?'

I did something really well, however. I thought ahead. The night before I anticipated what some of the questions might be. I wrote out some answers, keeping them on my desktop. Then I could cut and past pieces of sentences here and there. They were already typed out, so that was that much less actual typing I had to do.

Making Room for the Positive

You know what? I didn't feel great about my slow responses on the webinar.
I didn't feel bad, though. I know I did my best.

- I was able to view the experience as an adventure. I saw it as a challenge      and not a defeat.

- I reminded myself that I did indeed co-host a discussion on my hometown paper and that means the world to me.

- I managed to have some compassion and empathy for myself and the situation. I was able to see it with a wide enough lens that I didn't get all caught up in the me, me, me of it.

- I could walk along side myself and see that I have choices in how I respond each step of the way.

- I could take some deep breaths and keep breathing.

- I could make space for a new and different awareness. A different self-concept.

- I made a conscious decision where I wanted to put my energy. In the old negative or the new positive response to the situation.

- When I started to go to that old dark place, I changed direction. I could see the light.

The best part was when Theola supportively emailed me after the program. She reminded me, "Don't forgot to add 'Online discussion host'" to my media credits.

And I did! This was surely a corrective emotional experience for me: Validating, accepting, and non-judgmental. And it frees me up to let my light shine.

By the way, just as I was finishing writing these words, I received in the mail MJ Ryan's just released book, 'AdaptAbillity'– How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For' (Broadway Books).

In this treasure trove of valuable nuggets about change Ryan writes, "Some of us do everything to avoid it. We doubt our capacity to live through it. Yet when it arrives on our doorstep, most of us are able to reach deep; into ourselves and find the inner strength to strap on a sturdy pair of shoes and walk toward the light."

This is a gem of a book. It is wonderfully soothing and hopeful in these troubled times. I hope you'll check it out:
http://www.TinyURL.com/q2jqha

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
April, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears
 2.  The Culture of Fear
 3.  Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious.
 4. "What's going to happen to me?"
 5.  Reaching Out
 6.  Respecting Different Coping Styles
 7.  Tips for Coping with Fear
 8. Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around
 9.  "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
By Elayne Savage, PhD

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. Twelve students and a teacher were killed.

Students Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris did the killing. They felt taunted, teased and ostracized by peers for 'being different.'  They reportedly joked about seeking revenge for these injustices.

A friend says, "They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it."

And so they did. On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns and a semi-automatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates and a teacher. Twenty-five more were wounded.

A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears

On that April day, long into the night and into the morning, I was on the air with the host of a Denver radio program. Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what happened in their community that morning. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And they wondered: "What will become of us?" 

Fear.

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to the fear in everyone's voices hour after hour was too much for me. I was numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And ten years later, I'm still deeply affected.

The Culture of Fear

Since the time of that tragedy, fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed.

The horrific attacks of 9-11 occurred two years later, and The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. And now, the Economy. A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless.

Fear is a hot item on the airwaves, bandwidth and print. With each tragedy, natural disaster, series of killings and acts of terror, the fear quotient gets ramped up.

The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs. Sometimes I imagine a scenario where media folk and politicians attend fear-mongering school to learn how to talk it up to its best advantage. The evening news provides us with a regular dose of catastrophe. If there is a crime or drug or disaster story, it leads the newscast. As the saying goes, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

Whether or not you agree with Michael Moore's motivation in 'Bowling for Columbine,' the 2002 film makes some important points about how fear dominates society in the US. He theorizes that fear leads to using guns to settle disputes in this country.

When this film was made there were 7 million guns to 10 million households in Canada yet there were 151 people shot and killed in Canada compared to 11,798 in the US. Rates for Japan, England, Australia and Switzerland were all under 100. Germany was 373.

Here is a section of film dialogue describing why many Canadians feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked:

    When we lock the door, we're
    imprisoning ourselves inside . . .

    I have family that lives
    in the States.

    They used to live in Canada
             
    And it's so different.
    They get afraid more easily.

    Canada's more just, like,
    "Let's negotiate,
    let's work something out."

    Where the States is,
    "We'll kill you and that'll be the end of that."

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

In the seven years since the release of 'Bowling for Columbine,' fear seems to be even more built into the culture. It used to be we would go from one traumatic event to another. In between our fears and anxieties would subside - until the next tragedy occurred.

It is different now. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. It's been a bumpy ride and most of us are scared. Dazed. Numbed. Stunned. Immobilized. We go to bed scared and we wake up scared. 

Apprehension touches people around us – family, friends and colleagues. One person catches it from another, like a bad cold or mean flu. The anxiety that results can lead to a kind of paralysis. It's hard to think or act.

There's something else in the air. Let's call it helplessness and uncertainty. When these fears are rooted in childhood experiences, a child-like fright takes over.

Childhood fear was usually connected to some kind of loss. Perhaps your childhood friend moved away. Or you transferred to another school across town or to another state. Or an older brother or sister went away to school, leaving a void in your heart.

Maybe it felt like you lost a parent for a while if there was a separation or divorce. Or if there was a serious illness in your family. Or if someone important to you died.

These cumulative experiences affect how you cope with present losses.

What's Going to Happen to Me?

A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

When we are all grown up, but again feeling scared and insecure, we may find ourselves asking the same question. And needing reassurance.

This point is worth remembering. As a child or young adults you may have experienced setbacks that seemed overwhelming at the time. You had not yet accumulated the life experience to know that it's not the end of the world. Things do get better. In the midst of present day misfortunes, it's worth reminding yourself that things will get better again.

As a workplace coach and psychotherapist I'm hearing lots of stories about the impact of the economy. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering. And fear is dominating people's lives.

Loss is the theme in just about every conversation: Loss of jobs, Loss of income. Loss of homes. Loss of savings. Loss of routine. Loss of independence. Loss of security. And with all of this comes Loss of identity and well-being and self-esteem.

And again, the small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

What a lonely feeling fear can be. Your tendency may be to retreat and suffer in silence. At times like these it can be difficult to make yourself
connect with others. It helps to reach out.

Reaching Out

Can you connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then hear yourself say the words out loud. Even if you write in a journal, read your words out loud to yourself. Yes, out loud.  It makes all the difference.

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.

Acting out is one way of releasing tension. It takes many forms. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, or slam doors. Or we might engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out is not always active. It can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, and giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea, however sometimes it doesn't work too well. What if you don’t feel supported by the other person? What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you have different coping styles? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted, you're most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Feelings get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each others individual styles, misunderstandings and hurt can lead to anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there's barely room for connection. And connection is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping with Fear

Truth be told, we often put much more energy into avoiding fear than we do in dealing with it. Would you like some practical ideas for managing fear?

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. Say out loud what your worst fear is. Put a name to it. Talk it out with someone if possible.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. This provides structure and reassurance. And being pro-active helps balance the feeling of helplessness that can creep in.
-
 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare. Honor the differences rather than feel threatened by them.

And in case you missed it, the March 2009 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' e-letter has more tips on dealing with fear (loss and anger, too.)
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around

These ideas from my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' may be helpful:

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space. 

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving, flowing. Moving and flowing.

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time.  Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move. 

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck. 

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy.

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Once you create options for yourself, you don't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping in to a sense of your power.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

Morphizm.com reviews film, music and culture. It's a cool site that gets it right when it proclaims: "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear."

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
February, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
2. 'The Other Plane Crash'
3. Making Losses Real
4. My Secret Hope Comes True
5. The Community Pitches In
6. Really Great Detective Work
7. A Reunion of Survivors
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
By Elayne Savage, PhD

The community of Swaledale, Iowa is joining my brother and me in grieving a plane crash that happened 55 years ago. With compassion and understanding they are inviting us to experience a kind of kinship through communal grieving. It feels like an acceptance of us.

These many years Lee and I have been searching for information about the plane crash that killed our mother and grandmother. And now we have some answers.

This coming together of community started three weeks ago when my brother, Lee Raskin, wrote a short piece memorializing the 50th Anniversary of the deaths of Buddy Holly, J.P. (The Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens. They died when their single-engine Beech-Bonanza crashed into an Iowa cornfield during a snow storm.

You're probably familiar with 'The Day the Music Died,' Don McLean's song about the loss of these musicians. And you may remember the line "So bye bye Miss American Pie . . ." But do you know that 'American Pie' is the nickname the locals bestowed on the red and white Bonanza?

'The Other Plane Crash'
With each mention of that crash we're reminded our mother and grandmother died five years earlier in a cornfield just a few miles away.

Their Braniff DC-3 was forced down during a violent rainstorm, as they approached the Mason City, Iowa airport. Not every one died. Seven people survived, including the flight hostess.

Lee and I just learned that Elwin Musser, the Mason City Globe Gazette photographer, took the photos of both plane disasters. We also learned that he is still living in Mason City and that there are unpublished photos of the crash. We'd like to see them.

So Lee emailed John Skipper, editor of the Globe Gazette, trying to make direct contact with Mr. Musser. Lee included his 50th Anniversary tribute where he describes 'the other plane crash.'

Lee writes, "Coincidentally, it was the second notable air crash within five years that occurred near the farming town of Mason City, Iowa.  On August 22, 1954, a Braniff Air DC-3 crashed while approaching the Mason City Airport during a violent thunder and hail storm.

"In that DC-3 air disaster, twelve of nineteen on board were killed. The majority of those killed were sitting on the same side of the plane that cart-wheeled into a corn field. Among the dead were Sarah Wolfson and her daughter, Goldie Raskin, of Omaha, Nebraska, who were on their way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.

"Today, 50 years later...We commemorate Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper's musical achievements , . . I also took a moment to recall my mom, Goldie Raskin and grandmom, Sarah Wolfson . . ."

The editor, John Skipper, immediately responded. He describes how the area has been visited by celebrities the last week to memorialize 'The Day the Music Died.' He feels the real story here is about ordinary people like Lee and I who are also survivors.

And he wrote a sensitive, touching feature story about Lee, me and the DC-3. "A snapshot into the lives of two people directly affected by the crash."

http://tinyurl.com/aa7r8u

Many of you have heard my stories about the plane crash in my books and speaking programs. I reflect on the sudden loss of these two important women and the impact of that abandonment on my life.

Making Losses Real
We were not allowed to grieve in our family. We did not attend the funeral. We could not speak of my mother. My dad removed all photos of her from our house. And he sold his business and took a job traveling, so we lost him much of the time as well. Another abandonment.
Some of my perceptions of those days are chronicled in 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_mothersplane.htm

and in 'Who's Protected in Holding Back Painful Photos?'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_photos.htm
(By the way, this piece is relevant in current news about allowing photos of the arriving military caskets.)

My family's inept response made the loss surreal. And it stayed that way. A couple of years ago someone reminded me in order to grieve a loss it has to be made real. Then we can move on. I knew I had to find a way to make the loss real. Then it came to me: I could visit a DC-3. I found one in LA and made a 'pilgrimage' in March, 2007. It was a moving and life-changing experience for me.
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

Just recently, my professional speaker colleague, Jason Gore, who pilots a small plane discovered a local DC-3. He arranged a visit and brought along his camcorder to capture my experience in a series of interviews.

And in the mysterious ways of the Universe, this latest pilgrimage happened to take place only three days before my brother contacted the Mason City newspaper editor.

My Secret Hope Comes True
Truth be told, each time I go public with my story, I've secretly hoped someone would recognize the circumstance and contact me. I would fantasize them saying: "I knew someone who survived that crash" or I know a family who lost someone on that plane" or "I grew up on a nearby farm and witnessed the crash." 

Well, it finally happened. When the Globe Gazette article appeared, witnesses stepped forward.

I pinch myself as each day brings new contact with someone wanting to share their impressions with us.

People from the Swaledale farming community have never forgotten that August 22 day. They are still deeply affected. They often think of the scene. Vivid memories stay with each of them. Sometimes nightmares.

The Community Pitches In
We are so grateful to hear their stories about how the Swaledale community pitched in to help with the injured and to protect the dead until the officials got organized. They tell us how neighbors volunteered for search and rescue until ambulances could get through the mud, torrential rain, tall corn. They used their tractors to remove gawkers' cars from blocking the road so the rescue vehicles could get through. They used barn doors as stretchers.

We were mesmerized by Karen's stories about how her neighbors worked together to help out. Karen was about my age at the time the plane crashed on her family's farm. We were moved by Larry's account of how he helped his Dad with the search and rescue. He, too, was 12 years old. We learned more details about those who died and those who survived from Karen's brother Keith who also participated in search and rescue. He was 15 years old.

I'm fascinated to learn that two of the residents who contacted us were my age at the time – 12 years old. How fast we all grew up that day. How our lives changed when we were all made aware of how fragile a human life is. 

Really Great Detective Work
Reading the articles, Lee and I noticed some of the listed survivors were in their twenties at the time of the crash. Is it possible they might be alive today? Could we find them?

We decided to try to locate the flight hostess and the passenger whose life she saved by dragging her across muddy fields, over fences and to the road. She flagged down a truck and the owner of the farm drove them both to the hospital.

Lee is a fantastic investigator. He was able to trace both women and determine their married names. When the trails got cold I helped out a bit and came up with current addresses.

We located both of them and made contact!

Can you imagine what it is like for us to talk to these women? And how wonderful it feels to pave the way for them to reconnect with each other after all these years?

Can you picture how joyful it is to join with the Swaledale community in this reunion of grief? Fifty-five years later. The word that comes to my mind is 'rejuvenating.'          

For 55 years Lee and I have lived with this unhealed wound. Every year we dread the arrival of August 22 because of the memories it brings. We've existed in our narrow little world of memories. Feeling 'different' from our school friends, rarely talking about our past. It was always awkward to try to explain that our mother died in a plane crash. People just don't know how to respond.  So we said nothing.

We were stunned to hear that our own experience is shared by the Swaledale community. Now we understand how the crash which changed our lives forever has affected others as well.

A Reunion of Survivors
Knowing we are part of this reunion of survivors is an incredible experience. Now that we have discovered one another, we are able to be a small comfort for each other. Even the newspaper editor wrote me about the personal affect our story has on him. "Thank you for the opportunity to tell your story and to open another door in my life." He reflects how my article, 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing' is a reminder that not everyone can move on as easily as others.

When he published this 'snapshot' of us did he have any idea what a huge door he was opening for all of us survivors to come together as community?

This story is taking on a life of it's own. It is becoming a journey of strength and gratitude and renewed hope.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Chasing Childhood Memories – Another Chapter

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
January, 2009

Chasing a Childhood Memories – Another Chapter
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just talked to my very first boyfriend.  I was about six years old
and we lived in DC. His name is Walter.

He asked on the phone, " I don't know if you remember me?" "Of
course I do," Then I blurted out, "I always tell people you were my
first boyfriend." 

Silence.  Oh, Oh. Maybe that was a dumb thing to say. Walter
started laughing, "I tell everyone the same thing."

In the December issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'
I wrote about chasing childhood memories and how it all started
with an e-Christmas card. About how the image got me thinking
about going to Christmas Eve Mass with two childhood friends
from DC.

As I wrote that e-letter, I asked myself why I was so drawn to
recalling childhood memories. Was it comforting to go back in
time to a safer, simpler time? And I'm wondering, is it the same
for you?

The Sisters and the 'Cookie Lady'

These two sisters, Linda and Marie, were my playmates.
Their mom was the 'cookie lady' of my early childhood. I just loved
time spent at their house. It was so welcoming and always smelled
yummy - of freshly baked cookies.

I searched the Internet and found their 'baby' brother, Sonny
in Florida. Linda and Marie are living in Florida as well. Sonny
promised he'd tell both sisters about my efforts to contact them.

I just missed their mom, though. She died only six weeks before
my phone call. 

Each sister recalls how their mother has remembered me over
the years. Wow. I can't tell you how touched I am that their mom
spoke of me with the same fondness that I remember her.

I think I'm going to cry.

And would you believe that Marie says just five days before I contacted the family, she was reminiscing to her husband about her two DC playmates, me and Barbara.

If you missed my story about how I searched for and found this
family, you can read it at
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/12/index.html

(And a side note about six degrees of separation: Sonny was telling
long-time friends from Indiana about my phone call. He happened to
mention I am an author. The guy, a psychotherapist was incredulous.
"Some of my clients were just talking about Elayne Savage's 'Don't
Take It Personally!'" Small world, isn't it?)

Linda, Marie and I have been staying connected on the phone now. We share
memories of our childhood. Funny. Neither of them recalls those
Christmas Eve Masses that stand out so vividly in my memory.

Begging Food on Yom Kippur

The sisters tell some wonderful stories about experiences we shared.
Like when Barbara and I would show up at their house around lunch time on Yom Kippur.

We made sure we stayed around while they ate. Marie recalls "It was like you
were begging for food. You guys were supposed to be fasting. I thought that was the biggest sin ever. But my mama said, 'Now Marie, just let
them be. If they are wanting food that badly, they must be really
hungry.'" I suspect we were hungry for those fresh-baked cookies!

Linda has a backyard photo of us tucked away somewhere. She's
searching for it.

Milton Berle and the TV Dinners

So Linda, Marie and I decided to try to find Barbara too. Wouldn't
it be cool if the four of us could reconnect? I was the oldest of
the bunch. Linda and Marie are 13 months apart. Barbara was the
youngest.

I have fond memories of times spent with Walter and Barbara.
Every Tuesday evening I'd make the trip across the alley to their
house. You've probably guessed why. We didn't have a TV set
and they did.

We'd gather in their living room in front of the TV console. Each
of us had a metal folding table in front of us. Their mom would
bring in piping hot aluminum containers of turkey, peas and mashed
potatoes. Probably the first genre of TV dinners on the market.

We were there for one reason only. To watch Milton Berle and
the Texaco Star Theater:

"Oh, we're the men of Texaco
We work from Maine to Mexico
There's nothing like this Texaco of ours!

Our show is very powerful
We'll wow you with an hour full
Of howls from a shower full of stars.

We're the merry Texaco men
Tonight we may be showmen
Tomorrow we'll be servicing your cars!

...And now, ladies and gentlemen... America's number one television
star... MILTON BERLE!"

With memories like these to encourage me, I searched the Internet
for Walter. And I found him — just outside of DC. It was easy. The
Washington Post had written about his business a few years ago.
There was even a photo.

Linda called him first. Then she immediately called me to say that
sadly we missed out on finding Barbara. She had recently died.

So two deaths occurred before I got around to making these phone
calls. The cookie lady and Barbara.

A Life of Its Own

Yet, this story of reconnection seems to take on a life of it's own.
It just keeps going and going.

First there's the joy of renewing friendships with Marie and Linda.
Finding them has been good for my soul. Now Walter and I are sharing
memories, too. Funny thing though. He says he has no memory of us
watching Milton Berle at his house every Tuesday.

I can see how finding old friends and remembering these childhood
experiences recalls a safer, more secure time. A comforting feeling
in the uncertainty of today's complexities, Insecurities and
disequilibrium.

It's nice for the opportunity to experience and write about this kind of
soul-nourishing acceptance and connection. And trust. And hope.

Until next month.

Elayne

© 2009 Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Chasing Childhood Memories

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
December, 2008

Chasing Childhood Memories
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Memories are flooding back. From the moment I opened the
luminescent Holiday e-card.

Maybe it was the image of the church spire in the snow. Or the
accompanying John Lennon/Yoko Ono musical message. Or maybe
because I'm feeling especially sentimental right now.

And the memories keep coming. Each one brighter than the one
before. Superimposed. Memories of that shy, awkward six year old
in Washington, DC. Memories of my playmates Linda and Marie.
Memories of Christmas Eve Mass with their family.

Linda and Marie were sisters, about a year apart. They lived down
the block from me. Sometimes we played together.

I lived on 15th Street, NE. They were on Downing Street. At least
that's where their front door faced. Come to think of it, though,
I never used their front door. I always walked from my back alley
to their back alley. Into their back yard and through their
kitchen door.

I remember the times they invited me to Christmas Eve Mass. Now mind you,
this was way before the days of ecumenical  exchanges.

So, I'd be sitting in a pew with the family. Other parishioners
would ask, "Who is this visitor?"  I was introduced as the Jewish girl
from up the street. I remember the looks of surprise. That this friend
would come to their church to celebrate Christmas Eve Mass. I bet
they had never entertained a little Jewish girl at Christmas Eve Mass
before.

I've attended a few Christmas Eve Masses over the years. These are
very special to me. Mostly because I'm reminded of those DC days
sitting in church with my friends.

Special Times with a Special Family

I'll never forget the special times shared with this family.

I guess the mom was one of the 'cookie ladies" in my life. I loved the
time I spent at their house. It always smelled of freshly baked cookies.

I remember the excitement when a brand
new baby brother joined the household.

I don't think Linda and Marie came to my house much. Playmates
weren't invited into my house very often. Relatives didn't come over
either. It must have had something to do with my Mom's fears and
insecurities.

So here I am, getting all nostalgic about these childhood friends, their
mom, and the memories of Christmas Eve Mass.  And then I got curious
about Linda and Marie. Maybe I can find them.

Pretty Decent Detective Work

I tried Googling them.

Would you believe their names came up in a genealogy chart?  With a
birthplace listed as Washington, DC. And it mentioned a brother, Sonny.

First I tried to contact the family tree administrator. I kept running
into dead ends.  I found three or four email addresses. Each came
back 'undeliverable.' I even found a phone number for him.

I tried it.  Disconnected.

Then I had another idea.  Why not Google the baby brother. I found
the name mentioned on a couple of music websites.  But it seemed
to be very old information.

Well, let's see here. I wasn't about to give up. Hmmmmm.  "Sonny" is
probably a nickname for "Junior." Back I went to the genealogy chart.
And I found their dad's name.

I tried that. Bingo.

I did a people search and found someone with that name. The birth
date listed would be about the right time. I found a name, address,
phone number. Not just for him, but for the mom, too.

I searched some more. I found what looks to be a workable email
address. I wrote. It bounced back 'undeliverable.' Another disappointment.
Then I found another email address. I wrote again. No response.

I took a deep breath, overcame any fears of rejection I might have,
and dialed the phone number.  He answered. He had not received the
email. We talked a long time.

While we were talking, his sister Linda happened to phone him. He told
her about me. It's only a matter of time until I talk to Linda. And to Marie. It's possible
of course that they don't remember me. But that's OK. I remember them.
And their wonderful mom.

The mom has been living with the brother the last few years. Interestingly
the phone number I had was actually hers.

I just missed her.  She died six weeks ago.

This journey to the past all started with the e-card and music from Jim Sanfilippo, the man who keeps my website going.

With his permission, I'm sending the card to you.
http://www.technicalwebsitedesign.com/misc/happyholidays_2008.htm

Another Year Over - A New One Just Begun

'So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun . . .

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear'

John Lennon and Yoko Ono's Happy Christmas from 1971
is one of my favorites.

Perhaps Jim's card and accompanying music will touch you in some way,
too. I hope so. Enjoy.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Wishing you Happy Holidays.

Until next month.

Elayne

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from  how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking program for you.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/programs.htm

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation and Gratitude

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives Appreciation and     Gratitude
 2. A Generous Helping of Gratitude
 3. Ample Appreciation
 4. Smoothing Out the Ripples
 5. Appreciate That You Can Take Good Care of Yourself
 6. And On A Personal Note
 7. Contacting Elayne
 8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation
and Gratitude
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Thanksgiving this year takes on a whole new meaning. Gloom and
doom permeates the economic landscape.  it becomes more difficult
to feel grateful. 

And yet, isn't that Thanksgiving is all about? Giving thanks? Many
families even have a Thanksgiving tradition where each person
at the table gives thanks for what they are grateful for.

Why not use this time to reconsider and perhaps change our perspective
a bit?

A GENEROUS HELPING OF GRATITUDE

My friend, Mike Robbins,  in his book 'Focus on the Good Stuff'' (John
Wiley & Sons) has a lot to say about gratitude: "When we focus on
what we are grateful for, we alter not only our perspective, but also our
state of being. In fact, feeling and being grateful is a great way to
transform our negativity: it can help snap us out of a bad mood, get us
back on track, and keep us moving forward in a positive direction."

Mike suggests  how  you can create more gratitude in your life:
"Keep a Gratitude Journal
Share your Gratitude with others.
Create a morning or evening Gratitude ritual.
Ask people what they are grateful for."
http://www.Mike-Robbins.com

AMPLE APPRECIATION

Another friend, Sally Strackbein, offers these encouraging ideas about
appreciation: 

"It took some practice for me to shift from noticing what's wrong to
noticing what's right.

Some people will tell you to start a gratitude journal. It doesn't have to be
about gratitude. It's about point of view. You don't need to be grateful
when you see a happy child. Just let the joy waft over to you.

You could be grateful when you hear beautiful music, but that would
change your perspective from noticing the music to noticing your hearing.
It's easier to just pay attention. Just notice the nice then, little by little, you
will find your mood getting more and more positive.

And yet, the our losses from the economic downturn experiencing, we
can find ways to open our eyes and appreciate in a different way.
Here's how you can protect yourself from the negativity trap and
shift to the bright side.

As you go about your day, ask yourself, "What do I see, hear, smell, taste,
or touch that I like?"
Take a moment right now and notice your surroundings. What
 do you notice
that you like?  Start with small, inconsequential things.
What else? See how easy that was? Make a note in your calendar to
look for the good stuff. When you are positive, you attract positive into
your life. Isn't that what you want?" 
http://www.DefiningStory.com

I, too, have a favorite way of opening up to the world around me: When
I take a walk, even around the block, I remind myself to breathe in the
colors around me - houses, plants, flowers, sky.This simple act has a
powerful effect on my senses.

Wouldn't it be great if the daily onslaught of bad news opens our eyes
to enhanced appreciation and gratitude?

SMOOTHING OUT THE RIPPLES

In the meantime, Thanksgiving is approaching. Here are some tips for
helping those sometimes rocky family gatherings go as smoothly as
possible. Sometimes the cast of characters that shows up is like watching
Theatre of the Absurd.

These tips, just in case you can use them, will help you get through the
Holidays:

- Uncle Walter is baiting you again with his political rants. DON'T BITE.
Avoid doing the fish and the fisherman routine. Be direct and tell him you
don't want to discuss that subject.

- Oh, no, Aunt Helen showed up. Her unrelenting teasing makes you feel so self-conscious. She's embarrassed you ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

- Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments about your weight
and broadcasting, "You really don't need that second slice of pie." You feel
rejected and humiliated. What do you do?

Remember you have CHOICES now. When he teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices. Now you can remind yourself
you don’t have to stay there. You can leave the room gracefully to regain your composure.

APPRECIATE THAT YOU CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

Here are some great tips for taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
to get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

These are examples of taking TIME-OUTS. Excusing yourself, breathing,
counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE
As this Thanksgiving approaches, I feel even more appreciative and grateful
for the love and support of my family and friends. I'm especially grateful for being
able to enjoy my 14 month-old grandbaby, Cora.

And even though Burt and I are no longer together, I'm grateful for the five
wonderful years of memories and adventures we made. He is an amazing
man and he will continue to have an effect on my life.

And I'm appreciative of the notes and suggestions from all of you over the
last two years.  This issue of  'Tips from the Queen of Rejection' begins our
third year.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Elayne

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Rejection Letters – Handling or Mishandling?

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
April 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1.  Rejection Letters - Handling or Mishandling
2.  Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last
3.  Putting on the Pressure
4.  Confusing Boundary Confusion
5.  Confused Vicarious Parents
6.  Elayne Meets 'The Saint'
7.  Letting Parents Down
8.  Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters
9.  Contacting Elayne 
10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

REJECTION LETTERS - HANDLING OR MISHANDLING?
By Elayne Savage, PhD 

I participated in some media interviews recently that shook me up a bit. One was on bullies and bullying behavior for the San Francisco Chronicle. The other was an interview for Forbes.com on handling college rejection letters.

Participating in both of these interviews reminded me how most of us have to deal with these kinds of rejections throughout our lives.

Take the bully situation. My first being bullied experience was on the school playground. I was in kindergarten. I've been dealing with toxic people and bullies ever since. Not only do I live it. I also see it every day in my coaching and psychotherapy practices. And there's a reason my Dealing with Difficult People Workshop is so popular.

I've written about bullying in past "Tips from The Queen of Rejection e-letters:
Last month (March 2008): http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/03/take-those-mise.html

April 2007 http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html

and May 2007
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/05/index.html

Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last

Rejection letters are not only from college admission offices. You'll probably have to deal with rejection letters more than once in your life. Maybe from a job application, from a boss turning down your pay raise request, from the decision maker about a project you've proposed, or even from a gallery, editor or casting director.

The Forbes.com piece on handling college rejection letters is timely for sure. This is the month college acceptance or rejection letters go out. This is the time when everyone in the household is waiting and hoping for the arrival of a fat envelope from the longed for college. You know. Fat. Fat enough to contain all the forms to fill out that come with news of an acceptance.

But what if a thin envelope shows up in the mailbox instead? Thin enough to contain that one page rejection form letter.  How does the applicant deal with the disappointment?  How do other family members react?

And for that matter, who is more disappointed, the student or the family?

Hana Alberts, a reporter at Forbes.com, does a terrific job covering the college rejection letter issue.

Follow the links here to view the articles:

http://tinyurl.com/5ckqy

http://tinyurl.com/6cbck3

Note that Forbes did a series on college rejection so there are other links as well.

The Forbes reporter and I discussed struggles parents and students have during the application process. We talked about ways the rejected teen can handle the situation.

We also talked about the parents' tendency to become overly invested in the outcome.

Putting on the Pressure

If parents have their hearts set on a certain college for their child, they may put on the pressure. That particular school may not be the right fit at all for the student. Yet the parent pushes for it. And pushes and pushes.

What if the student feels pushed beyond their comfortable limits? What if they are unable or afraid to say "no?"  This is when continued pressure can feel coercive.

Why does this pushing occur? Some parents don't know how to separate their own needs from those of their children. Sometimes parents get confused about what is best for their kids. Instead, it becomes about what is best for the parent.

Confusing Boundary Confusion

For the sake of definition, let's call this type of confusion: confusion of personal boundaries.

The parents' needs overshadow the child's needs. The student loses his or her sense of identity by trying so hard to please parents, not wanting to let them down.

The student might feel like a non-person with no needs. Feeling like a non-person is a bit like feeling invisible. Like you don't count. Feeling discounted equals feeling rejected.

There are lots of situations where parents' boundary confusion occurs. The "hit-a-home-run-for-me" parent makes the softball game about him or herself. Their child's home run is their home run.

The stage-mom mom (or dad) takes on their child's stage triumph as their own. And they take it personally if their offspring flubs a line or misses a cue.

Confused Vicarious Parents

Parents of college applicants get caught up in this mushy boundary web as well. Their child's acceptance becomes their acceptance. A rejection is experienced as if it were the parent's own rejection.

Again, for the sake of definition let's call this type of parent: 'vicarious parent.'
And for the sake of being fair, parents are usually not aware of the vicarious nature of their interactions with their children.

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines 'vicarious' as: Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another

Dictionary.com Unabridged says: Performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another

Parents who tend to live vicariously through their children are usually a bit unclear about where they stop and their child begins. They encourage their children to achieve in a way that meets the parent's own unmet goals. And the goal is sometimes not realistic for the child at all. Instead it's the parents' unfulfilled dreams that they urge their child to carry out.

These kinds of dreams often propel parents to follow their own agendas, without regard for the best interest of the child. It's often about the 'performer' the parent had hopes of becoming: on the playing field, on the stage, in school.

When you get right down to it, the child might feel dismissed, disregarded or even discarded. Each of these feels like a rejection. And they are.

Here's how I describe vicarious parenting in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'

"These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed.

The children may lose their sense of self, trading 'self' for service to the parents."

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

It's the on the stage part that I'm most familiar with. My mother wanted me to be the star she never became. From the time I was very young, she pushed me into the spotlight. Sometimes I didn't want to go. But I didn't dare say no.

Elayne Meets 'The Saint '

My mother's first big push to make me a star was when I was 6 years old. I remember it was my birthday party. My friends and I were eating ice cream and cake when the phone rang. It was for me.

A man from the Washington Post asked to speak to me. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

I was very confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it. She wrote the poem. Making it sound as if six year old might write it. And she didn't tell me. She just sent it to the newspaper.

How was I going to read the poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. Her answer was to make me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother practicing the poem. She's say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write: 

'I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post.'

The words were drilled into my head. Day after day. There was some very serious drilling during the long streetcar ride across town to the radio station.

At the studio all the gleaming microphones overwhelmed me. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. And scared to death.

The time arrived to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to the station that afternoon. And their 'big star' daughter messed up and let them down big time.

Letting Parents Down

Over the years this same scenario replayed following dance recitals and plays. They would be especially upset with me when their friends or relatives were in the audience. Each time I’d see that disappointed look on my mother’s face. Each time I felt like I could never be good enough. Each time I felt let her down.

And that brings us back to the college rejection situation. When that too-thin envelope shows up in the mail, students sometimes feel that they have let their parents down.

So many people are waiting to see what the college admissions office decides. The student, the parents, the school counselor, relatives, friends. It isn't just the applicant's disappointment. It's shouldering the expectations and disappointments of what must feel like the whole world.

Waiting for a decision from colleges brings on another family situation. How do they deal with anxiety? Everyone has anxiety while waiting, but here boundary confusion again enters in. During stressful situations anxious feelings can get passed around from person to person.

For example, the parent might be experiencing memories of past rejections or disappointments. As the tension builds the teen may be absorbing their parent's fears and anxiety.

This situation is similar to the exchange of anxiety that occurs in some families on the first day of preschool or kindergarten. The child's own nervousness increases as it becomes a reflection of the parent's anxieties.

For example let's say that the parent is re-experiencing their own difficult "first day" at school. And the child picks up the tension. When this happens, they are not just dealing with their own worries but with their parent's worries as well.

Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters:

• Remind yourself it's not personal. Colleges (or potential employers, or meeting planners or galleries are looking for a fit. It's something like auditioning for a play you long to be cast in. And even thought you know you are talented and terrific, you don't get the role. An actor I know reminds herself that not getting a part is no reflection on her talent. She has a placard on her office wall that reminds her:  'It's selection, not rejection.'

• Both parents and teens would do well to try to try to keep personal boundaries straight. To understand what feelings belong to whom. What goals belong to who. And what disappointments belong to whom. Passing feelings and anxiety around the family only adds another layer of tension to the situation.

• Labeling and expressing feelings of rejection and disappointment helps you to deal with the loss. And it IS a loss.

• Try hard to see that there is a future after rejection. Remind yourself that making good grades and transferring is always possible. If your choice of career needs graduate school, remind yourself that the graduate school attended makes undergraduate college have less far less importance.

• And again, here are the 8 Tips from 8 Experts For Handling College Rejection Letters - on Forbes.com:

http://tinyurl.com/6gbjln

I've learned over the years that rejection experiences, no matter what form they take, are interconnected, have similarities and keep popping up throughout our lives.

I invite you to write to me with your own stories and let me know where you would like to see Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM) focus in the months to come.

Until next month,

Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

9. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please
2. The Many Faces of Discrimination
3. The Indignity of 'Cootie Catchers'
4. "I'm Really a Fraud"
5. Tips For Choosing to Act Like a Grownup
6. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. TAKE THOSE MISERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMORIES
     . . . PLEASE
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just got hit with a rejection-flashback-triple-whammy.

Three recent events brought me face to face with childhood and adolescent experiences I thought I'd buried long ago.

Lynn Price was a main stage speaker at the recent National Speakers Association Western Workshop. She spoke with passion and power about growing up as a foster child separated from her sister. She is now internationally recognized for her work in child advocacy. 

As Lynn spoke I realized something about myself. I guess you could say I was a foster-child-in-my-own-home. After my mother died my father took a job traveling. He hired a live-in housekeeper to care for my brother, Lee, and me.  She was cruel.

Lots of feelings bubbled up for me as Lynn Price spoke.

But that was just the beginning. Two weeks later I attended a fundraiser for Challenge Day. This amazing organization provides programs which build connection and empathy for kids in middle and high school.

During the event, young people spoke of their loneliness, about feeling left out, being the object of name-calling and rumors, and teasing, harassment and bullying. As I listened I started to cry. Along with just about everyone in the room.

Truth be told, I was re-experiencing some devastating experiences from my early years.

I was sitting there feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was remembering that miserable young person who once tried to strangle herself. Yes me. As you may guess I lost consciousness. My hands dropped away from my throat before I could do the deed. It IS a funny visual. Now. Not then.

Two days later I had yet another powerful deja vu experience. I was being filmed for a documentary on childhood and teenage depression. As the director, cameraman and sound engineer recorded me, I shared stories from my work with children and adolescents. And of course, some of the stories were my own.

I talked about loneliness and feeling left out. I described how it feels to be the object of name-calling and rumors. I gave examples of getting teased, harassed and bullied.

My voice was cracking as I spoke. I think the director, camera and sound guys might have been affected by my stories as well. I could hear it in their voices.

Yes. Rejection hurts. Isn't it amazing how all these years later we find ourselves smarting from the sting of those early rejections. 

The pain never goes away.

And I can't push the old pain back into the box so easily this time.
It's been swirling around me. Creeping into my consciousness. Calling out for understanding and attention.

2. THE MANY FACES OF DISCRIMINATION

I had a similar experience writing the "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow" Chapter on peer rejection in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!' So many long-forgotten memories were turning up. 

Some of the peer rejection I experienced was because I'm Jewish. Prejudice is hard to explain to yourself when you are a young person.

We lived in a row house in D.C. My best friend was the girl next door. I couldn't understand why her parents, aunts and uncles would spit on our porch. then one day Marian spit over the porch railing too. I was crushed. I remember wondering, "What I did wrong?" Why were they all so mad at me?"

3. THE INDIGNITY OF 'COOTIE CATCHERS'

Even one ugly action or name-calling incident can lead to a negative self-image that follows us into adulthood.

One day some friends and I were sitting around discussing how these
kinds of experiences stood out. We began reminiscing about the taunting that went on. Someone remembered the "Cootie Catchers."

Maybe some of you have experienced the Cootie Catcher indignity. Cootie Catchers are hand-folded paper origami-like contraptions. Someone swipes it over your skin or hair and proclaims that they caught cooties. Cooties are creepy crawly thingies, diseases, etc. that might be on you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooties

Kathleen shared a vivid memory,  “A boy at school called me the worst possible
name. He said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cootie.’ I was crushed, and I’ve never forgotten that incident.”

Our friend Martin speculated, “I’ll bet you were a really cute little girl. Maybe that boy actually said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cutie’.”

Kathleen’s eyes widened, her face softened, “Do you think that might be true? Do you suppose if I hadn’t been so ashamed and told my father what happened, he’d have reassured me and said the same thing?

You mean I didn’t have to believe all these years that someone thought I was a
cootie?

Trouble is, we don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how hurt we are. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years. And years.

Our self-esteem plummets, we struggle to trust people in our world. Is it any wonder we might even have work and personal relationship difficulties?

4. "I'M REALLY A FRAUD"

Over the years many consultation and coaching clients have said to me: "If you only knew me, you'd see how defective I really am. You'll find out I'm really a fraud under all my pretenses."

And sometimes folks want others to find out the truth. Unwittingly they sabotage themselves. The spotlight of disclosure shines glaringly on them.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately when Eliot Spitzer leaped into the news. Or perhaps you recognize yourself in the description.  I know I do.

5. TIPS FOR CHOOSING TO ACT LIKE A GROWNUP

OK, so what can we do to not get so mired in those miserable memories?
What can we do to stay in the present and function in our adult selves?

Here are some considerations:

- Can you appreciate that two sides of you may co-exist?
There is the young, sometimes defenseless person. And there is the grownup.

- Can you appreciate the attributes of each?

- Can you empathize with (and even embrace) that young part of you?

- Can you show compassion rather than contempt for that sometimes helpless person?

- Can you walk alongside yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Create enough distance so you are not feeling overwhelmed by those often powerful young feelings.

- Which part of you do you WANT to experience now?  Can you make that choice?

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'™
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings
2. Each Family Has 'Their Way'
3. About Hurt Feelings – A Cautionary Tale
4. Avoiding Misunderstandings
5. Caring Is Not Symmetrical
6. Disappointments Feel Like Rejection
7. Gift-Giving Tips
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING - AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HURT FEELINGS
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who
hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right'
present.

And truth be told, most of us have felt some disappointment on the
receiving end. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just
doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe
sometimes it doesn't.  But what about when it DOES matter to you? What
about the times your feelings get hurt. Or the times you feel
slighted or offended. Or not cared about.

Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments,
the subject of gift-giving generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation. There is really a charge to the
subject of gift-giving.

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too
often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something
personally.

Are they able to talk about their differences and work it out? Or
do all the hurts and resentments from the past year erupt? Do they
carry it around for months or even years?

2. EACH FAMILY HAS 'THEIR WAY'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and
misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up
in different families with different ways of giving and receiving
presents.

Gift-giving has different protocol from family to family. For
example, in some families it may perfectly OK to give checks or
gift cards (Oh wow, I get to buy what I want!) In other families
this seems like a slight (Didn't she care enough to go shopping for
me?)

Some families feel fine about exchanging or re-gifting a present that's not quite
right. But in others, people wouldn't think of returning a gift —
they keep it even if they'll never use it, because taking it back
to the store feels disloyal or rude.

3. ABOUT HURT FEELINGS – A CAUTIONARY TALE

I write about how easy it is to get offended during the Holidays in
DON’T’ TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION.

I describe how Elizabeth the mother, nursed hurt feelings for
six months after the exchange of Kwanzaa gifts before she talked to
her adult daughter about how hurt she was.

“I was surprised and felt misunderstood by my daughter's gifts to
me,” Elizabeth said. “Tracy has a good job now and when she kept
asking what I wanted, I told her to pick out something that she
thought I'd like. I was hoping she'd choose something that
represented my tastes, something that was me.

"My son guessed exactly what I'd like and bought me a satin robe. I
guess I expected something like that from my daughter as well.

"She gave me three separate presents, and not one of them reflected
who I am. Her gifts seemed so impersonal; it felt like she doesn't
understand me at all. Personalized gifts are so important to me
that I even get disappointed if a good friend gives me a book without
inscribing it."

What were the gifts? Two wine glasses, a video by one of my
favorite entertainers, and a pair of knitting needles. It was the
needles that confused me the most. Why would she give me knitting
needles, when I haven't knitted in over twenty years?

"I was hurt because I thought she was hinting she wanted me to be
more motherly or matronly or something when she said, 'Maybe you'll
take up knitting again.' Tracy can't possibly remember back to when
I used to knit sweaters for her. She was only four years old. I
didn't know what to do with the needles so I tucked them away in a
drawer.”

I was very touched by Elizabeth's story. She took the meaning of
Tracy's gift personally, thinking her daughter wanted her to be a
different kind of mother. It seems like this prevented her from seeing how much
caring went into all three gifts.

Was it possible that Tracy purchased three presents in hopes that
one of them would please her? Elizabeth at first had difficulty
looking at it this way, but as we continued talking she said,
“Well, yes, now I can see that Tracy put some thought into buying
the gifts. Actually the glasses were handblown and quite lovely and
Tracy and I have enjoyed them when we drink wine together. And it's
true that the video is one of my favorites — Tracy's, too.”

But what about those knitting needles? “Yes, in fact, they were
very nice knitting needles, probably expensive and, yes, most
likely from a specialty knitting store.”

I wondered if those needles may have been a gift of love that
symbolized fond memories from long ago? And again Elizabeth proclaimed
that Tracy was too young to remember the days when she knitted
those little sweaters.

But when mother and daughter talked about this in a joint therapy
session, Tracy did indeed remember those days.

“There's a knitting shop I sometimes pass, and each time I walk by,
I remember how you used to knit me those soft, warm sweaters when
I was a little girl. And Mom, I also remember hearing you say over
the years how you really should take up knitting again.' So I
decided to buy you some needles.”

Tracy's choice of gifts seemed to be a metaphor for how the past,
present, and future were energetically bound together.

4. AVOIDING MISUNDERSTANDINGS

For six months Elizabeth had felt misunderstood and hurt about the
presents, but hadn't expressed her feelings or checked out her
daughter's intent. Both Elizabeth and Tracy had leftover hurt
feelings from the giving and receiving of these presents. Tracy's
good intentions somehow got lost when she didn't explain the
intended special meanings. And Elizabeth's quick jump to
conclusions led her to misunderstand the nature of the gifts.

From the beginning, Elizabeth set herself up for disappointment
when she suggested Tracy buy her a gift that would please her.
Tracy couldn't read her mind. And Tracy presumed the
significance of her choice of gifts would be crystal clear to her
mother. But Elizabeth couldn't read Tracy's mind either.'

5. CARING IS NOT SYMMETRICAL

Caring is not symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of
showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many
ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring
is different from our own.

We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of
gift-giving. In our families.

6. DISAPPOINTMENTS FEEL LIKE REJECTION

Gift-giving is a surely a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings during the holidays.
It's easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped
for.

But there’s even more rejection you can heap on if you are so
inclined.
You could tell yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough
about you. After all, if they did they'd have known what you wanted for
a present.

And if you are the gift-giver, you can find ways to get
disappointed and even take it personally. Do you shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find
yourself anxiously waiting to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction to your gift through their
expression or body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, only to open their present to you and
find a sale item from the discount store? Do your feelings get hurt?

And what about gift cards?  The media hype has been
"gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true
enough for someone who loves to shop. They appreciate gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfect gift for themselves. 

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to do the shopping.

Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like
rejection.

Some of us have never gotten over childhood
disappointments. Like the times when we thought we were promised a certain toy and 
didn't get it. When a new disappointment comes our way,and it brings up some of those
old childhood memories and feelings. We may even go into our child 'default' position.
Sometimes we over react in the present to experiences from the past.

The disappointments that too often go along with the giving and receiving of
gifts contribute to the stress of the Holidays.

What can you do to make gift-giving go more smoothly?

7. GIFT-GIVING TIPS

You've most likely developed your own useful ways of handling
gift-giving. I'd like to hear from you  what about what works in your situation.

Here are a few tips to consider:

-Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone
else to try to figure it out.

-Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site.
asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.

It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t
know which gift they'll choose for you. It’s worth having a little less
surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about
the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you
really want.

Besides gift-giving, the other big-ticket Holiday
stressor is family gets-togethers.

And if you want some suggestions for surviving that family
holiday dinner, here are the tips from last month’s TIPS FROM THE
QUEEN OF REJECTION – Giving Gratitude or ‘Attitude.’
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/11/index.html

 

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you Happy Holidays,

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'
2, Pass The Rejection, Please
3. Talking To The Turkeys At The Table
4. Excuse Me . . ."
5. Opt-In To Time-Outs
6. This Feeling Is Too Hot To Handle
7. Thanks for the Opportunity
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. THANKSGIVING GATHERINGS - GRATITUDE OR 'ATTITUDE'
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings  —  clashing and banging against each other. 

There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU —  for who you are and
what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.

Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.

However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness
with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or
preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.

2. PASS THE REJECTION, PLEASE

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these stressful times.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated
by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin
dreaming of a  Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family
gathering.

Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's
going to be different from past experiences.
Are you disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and
the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone
said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And
someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of
rejection.

3. TALKING TO THE TURKEYS AT THE TABLE

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't  end up in
battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can
leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

4. "EXCUSE ME . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action  here?”

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

5. OPT-IN TO TIME-OUTS

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you BE INDEPENDENT
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not
about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about
herself.

In fact, Mom  later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally
always took things personally!"

6. THIS FEELING IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because 
it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In BREATHING ROOM (New Harbinger) I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I
describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

And because many of you have made the request, there will be
more about Personal Boundaries and Projection in future e-letters.

By the way, there's a terrific new book on how to harness the power of gratitude: 'FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF - The Power of Appreciation' by Mike Robbins.

7. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate

them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

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Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
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Elayne Savage
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510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

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