Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Pilgrimage to a DC-3 - The Voices of My Ancestors Whisper to My Granddaughter

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

What a moving experience it was holding my new granddaughter in my arms. Whenever she'd open those big eyes it seemed she was connecting with my soul. And I was connecting to hers as well.

 

As I looked into her eyes, I was looking into the past, present and future at the same time. I was recognizing the importance of this newest female member of my linage.

 

POOF. THEY WERE GONE

I'm trying to put words to how much it means to me that this baby is a girl. Her arrival in the world symbolizes the nextgeneration of female lineage. A continuation of a broken line of women.

 

The women of the two generations before me, my mother and grandmother, were wiped out in an instant in a plane crash.They were aboard a Braniff DC-3 that crashed into a corn field near Mason City, Iowa over  50 years ago.

 

Poof. They were both gone.

 

Two generations of female role models. Two generations of nurturing. Two generations of support. And two generations of family storytelling.

 

I missed out on being able to sit at their feet and hear their stories. Stories about the Cossack soldiers ravaging their village. 

Stories about what it was like to travel through China by rickshaw. Stories about being quarantined on Angel Island for 3 months. 

Stories about building a new life in Omaha. Stories about their experiences in raising children.

 

Over the years there have been many questions unformed and many questions unanswered. Yes, I have missed all of those untold stories.

 

GRIEF WRAPPED IN SILENCE

 

The aftermath of that plane crash was handled badly by my family. This very public loss caused a city to mourn, yet my brother Lee and I were not allowed to grieve either publicly or privately.

 

Everything was wrapped in silence. The newspaper articles and crash scene pictures were hidden from us. We didn't attend the funeral. We weren't allowed to ask questions or even to talk about my mother.

 

My Dad removed all photos of her from the house. We thought he'd thrown them out, but after he died my brother found the albums tucked away in the back of the highest shelf of Dad's closet. He'd moved with them 4 times, yet we never knew they existed. It's nice to have them back.

 

Lee and I were able to do some grieving five years later when another plane crash into a corn field made headlines. Buddy Holly, J.P. (Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens were killed. The crashes were only a few miles apart outside of Mason City, Iowa.

Yes, I've worked on these losses for many years in therapy. Yet there always seemed to be something missing.

 

A few years ago something fortuitous happened. After presenting a one-day training program several miles from my home, I decided to stay the night at a local Bed and Breakfast. Intuitively I told the
B&B owner the story of the plane crash. It turns out he is a grief counselor!

 

He presented me with the missing piece: "to grieve a loss and move on, we need to make the loss real."

 

Yes, of course. That's what was missing. The deaths of my
mother and grandmother were never made real. 

 

MAKING GRIEF REAL

One day I woke up knowing what to do. I must visit a DC-3.

 

For several years I fantasized about locating and visiting a DC-3. One I could visit without other people around. I wanted some time to myself on the plane.

 

(Telling the richly detailed story of the DC-3 has become part of my professional speaking programs. Some of you may have been in my audience and heard this story before. I'm including a few selective descriptions of my pilgrimage. I've chosen these because they are related to carrying on the female legacy which
Miss Cora symbolizes for me.)

 

Early last year I gathered the courage to track down a restored DC-3.  Making the actual arrangements to visit the plane came about from a confluence of many happenings.

 

Lots of serendipity is involved - a chance conversation with a fellow professional speaker who is a pilot, the support of my boyfriend, Burt, who encouraged me to follow through with the phone call that eventually led to making the appointment to visit the plane.

 

Matt, the Operations Manager at the Santa Monica airport pointed me to a restored plane at the Van Nuys Airport. It is the private plane of a major Southern California Aviation figure, Clay Lacy.

 

I took a deep breath and called. The receptionist told me "Oh no you can't visit this plane. This is Mr. Lacy's private plane." 

 

I took another deep breath. I wasn't going to be deterred. I persisted, told my story and asked to speak to a decision maker. Mr. Lacy's personal assistant called back the next day: "Mr. Lacy would be pleased to have you visit his plane!"

 

Burt went with me as witness. We were escorted from the office to the plane which was on the tarmac. (But my experience of the plane is another story.)

 

By way of preparing for this pilgrimage I contacted a few friends and a listserve of therapist colleagues asking for support and suggestions of rituals I might do on the plane.

 

It was a big step for me to reach out publicly. I'm glad I did. I felt I was being cradled in the strong and comforting arms of a caring community. 

 

My time on the plane was an amazing event.

 

And learning this particular DC-3 had been Jimmy Carter’s plane when he was the Governor of Georgia made it even more special. It even seemed is energy was present!

 

I was able to stay present though, and to experience the moments on a cellular, energetic level.

 

I was able to imagine my mother and grandmother beside me on the plane. I could imagine talking with them, especially with my mother.

 

I could feel myself reconnecting with her in a new way.

I could ask questions and receive answers.

I could laugh again with my mother, sharing some memories.

I could also tell her about my life, my disappointments and
my successes.

I could 'introduce' her to Cora, her grand daughter.

 

One of the reasons I wanted to visit a DC-3 was to be able to release the shackles that have constrained me for so many years. When I was sitting on the plane I could feel the chains falling away. I could feel myself re-balancing and realigning.

 

I was able to achieve the healing and liberation I've missed out on for so many years.

 

A couple of years ago someone made me a beautiful blue felt pouch, decorated with lace and leather and shells.

 

I'd never used the pouch because it was so lovely, so special.  As I contemplated my pilgrimage, I realized this pouch was waiting for just the right time to be the guardian of something very precious.

 

I put into the pouch photos of my mother and grandmother.
Photos of myself and my brother Lee as we grew up.
Photos of my daughter Jocelyn.

 

Then I imagined putting the essence of my mother and grandmother
into the pouch, and I carried their spirits onto the plane with me.

 

In retrospect I believe the conversations, phone calls and
arrangements for the pilgrimage came to pass because I had just
learned my daughter was expecting a baby. 

 

"THERE ARE ALL YOUR ANCESTORS RESTING SNUGLY IN YOUR DNA . . ."

One of the therapists who responded to my request sent me this
quote which I also put into the blue pouch to carry with me on the
DC-3. 

 

I re-read the words on that piece of paper many times in the hour I
spent on the plane:

 

"But when we take the time to really give thanks to our ancestors,
we place them in their proper context, granting them neither more
nor less than their due.

We are able to use the lessons they have taught us - even
if by negative example - and move beyond their legacy to
claim our rightful place in the world.

 

Dawna Markova says, "Look in the palm of your hand. Thich Nhat Hanh would say that if you look deeply enough, you'll never be lonely. Each cell of your hand is made from genetic material passed on to you from your mother and father. Whether you adored or despised them, there they are in the palm of your hand. If you look a little deeper, you'll see your grandfathers and grandmothers.

 

Deeper still, and there are all your ancestors resting snugly in your DNA . . .

Can you hear them whispering in your ear,
'Maybe this is the one who will carry our dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our dreams
    into the world.'"
               -- From Attitudes of Gratitude by Mary Jane Ryan

 

BABY CORA AND THE DC-3

Just after Cora was born, I corresponded with my cousin Dr. Steve Raskin. Intuitively I decided to send him the
above quote about DNA. Steve emailed back with this "little biology lesson." He reminded me that there are two kinds of DNA in cells. One is  "nuclear DNA which exists in chromosomes and are subject to recombination over the generations, resulting in the complexity of human variation.

 

But there is some other DNA in the cell known as "mitochondrial" DNA that exists in the cytoplasm
OUTSIDE the cell nucleus. The mitochondria are passed completely from mother to daughter and that DNA
does not take part in any recombination. 

 

You are the bearer of your mother's and her mother's mitochondria (and mitochondrial DNA), just as Jocelyn
and - now - Cora are also. You might get a good feeling knowing that tiny little pieces of your mother are part
of your granddaughter."

 

So in this communication with a cousin I haven't seen in over 30 years, I came to realize why holding this little
girl was such a spiritual experience for me. Cora is more connected to my mother and my grandmother than I ever realized. 

 

Had I known this baby was to be a girl at the time I made the pilgrimage, my experience on the plane would
have been even more powerful.

For too many years I let 
the accident define me.

I was frozen in the drama of 
the 12-year-old child.

 

On the plane I was able to visualize the chains falling away. I was able to see my experience as the ending of something and the beginning of something else.

 

I began to understand that I don't have to be a hurt, scared child any longer. I recognize that my inherited
potential is unimpeded by the tragedies of the past.

I CAN fly - even soar!

 

Now I'm the grandmother, Jocelyn is the mother and baby Cora is the child. 

 

I can hear the ancestors whispering in my ear and in Jocelyn's ear and in Cora's ear:    
 

"Maybe this is the one who will carry our
    dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our
    dreams into the world"

 

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



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The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

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Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"

Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)

(Here's the list:  faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood

It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:

"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
  set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
  every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"

Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?

2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS

Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.

Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.


And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.

Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you

You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.

No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.

So what to do about it?

In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works.  Why 
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'

The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.

In the Spirit of Teamwork

In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.

Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.

- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
  best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?

We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.

We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.

- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
   good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
   in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
   transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ? 
For example, sharing household chores?

In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:

- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
   sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
   and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.

Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

Teamwork in personal and professional relationships

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:

- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
   than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture

3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION

RESPECT is a key ingredient here.

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.

APPRECIATION is important too.

Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.

Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication

Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:

- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
   answer is always 'no.'

- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
  really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
  for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
  something is.

- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
  will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.

Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.

I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.

4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK

Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.

What does sharing household chores mean? 

Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:

1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
    done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.

Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.


Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility

Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.

Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore.  But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."

Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do  couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the 
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"

Chore Rotation to the Rescue!

Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made?  A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.

Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?

Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss

Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair.  It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.

5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER

Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.

Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.

"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."

This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?

Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end.  Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.

Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.

It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.

This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.

By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article:  http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v

Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
April, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Don Imus, the Schoolyard Bully
2. Taking Bullying Personally - It Starts in the Sandbox
3. Why Do Bullies Bully?
4. Tips for Bully-Busting
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

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1.  Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was writing this April newsletter on workplace bullying.
Several of you suggested the topic.

Then the Don Imus fiasco happened. I listened to commentators
discuss the meaning of it all: the blatant racial and sexual slurs,
the inappropriateness, the outrageousness of it all. But something
was missing. The bullying factor.

Have you noticed the recent onslaught of bullying on radio,
TV and blogs? I got all fired up about the need to address it

So I adjusted my original topic a bit - from workplace bullying to
airwave  bullying. The components are essentially the same.

Imus reminds me of all the schoolyard bullies I've known since
kindergarten: arrogant, demeaning, insulting, coercive, assaultive,
contemptuous, belittling, picking fights, and taking cheap shots. 

Random House Unabridged defines a bully as a "blustering,
quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates
smaller or weaker people."

I must have been a 'small and weaker' people.  I sure got bullied a
lot. And it it hurt a lot.

Perhaps this is why the recent Imus transgressions have such a
powerful effect on me. 

Something unsettling is getting triggered here. Memories are
coming back about all the times someone teased me, taunted me,
humiliated me, or spit at me. 

Yes, you read that right. Spit. That's what some neighbors did
across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. And their
teenage son used to threaten to beat me up in the alley. I guess I
was about 6 years old.

I'm hearing from others that they, too, are reacting powerfully to
the Imus Chronicles. They too, have memories of bullying.

"Talk to me Down and Dirty - I'm Listening"

I'm amazed at the huge audiences these bullying airwave
'personalities' have.  Do folks crave to be insulted and talked
down to? Or perhaps they enjoy hearing others get their
'comeuppance,' being made 'bad' or 'wrong,' and humiliated for
having their own viewpoints.

For many of these media personalities there is no room for
disagreement. And if someone dares to phone in and question an
opinion, the caller is bullied. Unmercifully.

I've done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly
difficult interview on a major TV show. I was the newby on the 'panel'
and the others made great sport of bullying me into chopped liver. I
managed to hold my own, but it was not a
fun experience.

Bullying behavior can be obvious or it can be subtle. What it is
of course, is emotionally abusive and rejecting.

2. TAKING BULLYING PERSONALLY

It's hard not to take it personally when an attack feels so personal.

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues — feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
“dissed:” disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged.


It Starts in the Sandbox

I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection: 

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do? 
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering -  criticizing,
belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. But rejection
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the
eyes will get a reaction every time.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect
which we perceive as rejection.

Disrespect shows itself by emotional outbursts. Or it may surface in
baiting, putdowns, judgments, or criticism.

Or it appears as teasing, cynicism, or sarcasm.

The Underbelly of Teasing, Cynicism and Sarcasm

Teasing, cynicism, and sarcasm have something in common: Anger. On
the surface, each behavior appears to be "funny" or "just a joke."
In reality, when you scratch the surface, each has undertones  of
anger. But they are passed off as 'humor.' Humor at the expense
of others.

Teasing by parents, relatives, teachers or peers leads to forming
negative beliefs about ourselves and our world. And these beliefs
accompany us into our work and personal relationships.

"Our agenda is to be funny, and sometimes we go too far. And this
time we went way too far," said Imus in a recent interview.

Imus' Program Director Jennifer Worley claims, "He manages to
insult someone every day." 

More examples of being funny at someone else's expense?

3. WHY DO BULLIES BULLY?

When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very powerful.
If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find
a scared, hurting, ineffectual and insecure person.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us
protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Some of us need to puff
ourselves up.

Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme and some
people engage in bullying behavior.

Think about it this way: bullies are puffing themselves up and
seeking out someone to bully. Yet, under that aggressive exterior of
the bully is someone who is scared or hurting.

Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain. AND it helps
keep people away.

The Wizard of Oz and The Smokescreen

I once heard actor/comedian Robin Williams describe what it was like for
him to finally get to know his father. The quote went something like
this: “It’s like in The Wizard of Oz. Don’t look behind the curtain -
behind it is a terribly fragile man.”

When I first saw the movie as a child I was so scared: that huge
booming voice of the Wizard. The billowing bursts of smoke.

Now I can see what a smoke screen is all was.

In Breathing Room I wrote: "When we puff ourselves up or push someone
around, it doesn’t leave much room for the other person, and they end
up feeling diminished.

In reaction to someone puffing up, many of us quickly get intimidated,
wilt, and disappear. It just doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving
end of puffing or pushing."

4. TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING:

If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    • The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
      Maybe all of the above.

    • When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a lot of
      space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your space so
      you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    • The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    • FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.
       
    • Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                           

    • Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    • Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________."  When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    • Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly. 

    • You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    •  And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

Soon to come in upcoming issues: more focus on workplace bullying.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2007

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat
2. The Dance Between Rejection and Taking Things Personally
3. Talk About Vicious Circles!
4. Ten Sure-fire Ways to Avoid Rejection
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends,
family and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

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1.  Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing
      Relationship Boat 

      By Elayne Savage, PhD

It's amazing how business or personal relationships can so
quickly get off course.

It's often because of those mmmm's.

There are a whole bunch of mmmm's out there causing bumps
along the path to successful work and personal relationships.

Let's start with a few:  miscommunication, misreadings,
misunderstandings, mistakes, missteps and miscues.

Most folks would say miscommunication is a big problem. Someone's
meaning is not clear to you. You may try to guess what someone
means and you misread them.

Sometimes it's a miscommunication is connected to misunderstanding.
If you don't understand someone's meaning do you make an attempt to
clarify by asking?

Or, instead, do you play a frustrating game of 'fill-in-the-blanks'?

When we don't know the answer to something we tend to
fill in the empty space with our own perceptions and
interpretations. Most of the time, of course, we're mistaken.

These interpretations pass through a filter containing your
private storehouse of experiences accumulated since
childhood.

These early experiences color your beliefs about
the safety of your world and the people in it.

These experiences, when positive, teach you to trust the
intentions of others.

However, if they happen to be rejecting experiences they might
teach you to be wary and to protect yourself from further hurt
and rejection.

Do You Recognize This Situation?

Here's a story I've heard many times with variations. It goes
like this:

You are walking down the hallway at work. You pass your
manager who who doesn't say hello.

What do you tell your self? Do you find yourself going through
your emotional checklist:

- Am I not dressed OK?

- Do they not like me?

- Did I do a bad job on that report?

You might even tell yourself, "Oh no, I'm going to be fired."

Fired! How quickly your mind went there.
Fascinating isn't it - how we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt
and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation.

Most likely the explanation is that he or she was wrapped up
in their own thoughts. They just didn't see you. Do you think
you might have misread the situation?

The Bull's Eye in a Target

Isn't it amazing
- how we seem to find ourselves in center stage.
- how we make the situation all about US (when it's frequently
  more about the other person.)
- how we take it as a personal affront.

When you find yourself in the center of your universe, it's hard
not to personalize the actions of others.

In that center position it feels like all eyes are on you. It's
no wonder you feel like a the bull's-eye in a target -- just
waiting for the dart's sting. And expecting it.

Getting hurt a few times too many leads to protecting yourself
from more hurt. 

When you feel like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's hard
not to take it personally.

2. THE DANCE BETWEEN TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY
     AND REJECTION

Taking things personally, means feeling disrespected and rejected.

Taking things personally, means feeling blamed or slighted or
personally attacked.

Taking things personally, means getting feelings hurt by
misinterpreting the meanings of others. We see the actions of
others as a personal affront, believing someone intends to hurt us.

Taking things personally, means that our emotions are controlled
by what somebody says or does or what they don't say or do.

The tendency is to protect ourselves, to pull back,
even to the point of 'disappearing.'  One person I know describes
how she "learned to contract into a pinpoint, withdrawing from
everybody and everything. I went invisible. I still do."

What Happens Next?

When you're feeling snubbed, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose
you'll react the next time you see the offending person?

You may find yourself avoiding that person's eyes in your next
interaction. If your hurt shows on your face or body language,
they may interpret it as judgement or distain. Or it may look like
'attitude' to them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They'll
try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. Usually they
start with something like:

- "Do I have food caught in my teeth?"

- "Did I just say something stupid?"

- "Maybe you don't want to work with me anymore." 

Thinking these kinds of thoughts generally does not make that
person open and available to you. Probably they'll be closed off
and protected.

3. TALK ABOUT VICIOUS CIRCLES!

Each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other
person's behavior. Before you know it, there is a reciprocity
of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.

My book BREATHING ROOM describes the many facets of reciprocity
and how it affects relationships.  Reciprocity is "the effect
of behavior on subsequent behaviors, how one response begets
another.

"For example, #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means
something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts
protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the
perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and
on it goes, with no beginning and no end.

In other words, #1 doesn't do it to #2.
#2 doesn't do it to #1.
They do it with each other."

The behavior of each person affects the behavior of the
relationship.

As you can see, this circular process of relating
can cause problems for professional, friendship and romantic
relationships.

Here are some brief examples of how relationships get thrown
off-balance when miscommunication and reciprocal interactions
cause confusion.

For example, Amanda was going through a tough time and
talked to her friend about it. It was several months
before the friend called Amanda to follow-up on how
she was doing.

Amanda told herself all those months that her
friend didn't care about her. In fact, the friend had called
twice and left messages which were not passed on to Amanda.

This was a miscommunication and misunderstanding that might
have caused irreparable damage a long-time friendship.
Thankfully Amanda initiated a conversation with her friend
about her discomfort about the situation.

On the other hand, interest doesn't always work the same
for everyone. Keith asked his partner Hannah quite a few
specific questions about her new job and new boss.
Hannah saw it as 'prying,' where Keith says he was 'only trying
to show interest and caring.'

Good thing they talked about it before feelings got too hurt.
Both might have built protective walls around themselves,
keeping the other out.

Really, Really Awkward

All too often these confusing behaviors don't get
addressed and checked out. The longer it goes on, the
harder it is to get back on course. You don't know what to
say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship becomes strained. And you begin to
feel very awkward with that person.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum.
Or don't look them in the eyes when you do see them.

They may feel like you're ignoring them. Ignoring feels like
disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection. 

And once you get on that run-away-rejection train, it's
hard to get off.

Why not take a deep breath. Make an attempt to deal
directly with the issue and the person. The idea of
'confronting' is surely scary.  However, remember that confronting
the situation is not the same as confronting the person.

You could start by identifying and addressing the awkwardness.
At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been
awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same
for you? I'd like our relationship to get back on track. Can
we talk about how we can make this happen?"

Here are some tips for not getting on that train in the
first place:

5. ELAYNE SAVAGE'S 10 SURE-FIRE WAYS
    TO AVOID REJECTION

•  Remind  yourself, it's more about the
   other person than it is about you.

•  Separate the "personal" from the
   "professional."

•  Don't presume - check things out.

•  Don't try to read someone's mind-
   or expect them to read yours.

•  Put yourself in the other person's   
   shoes. How might they be feeling?

•   Remember: you really do have choices.

•   Be direct. Ask for what you need.

•  Practice "time outs." Count to 10.

•  Try rejecting rejection for a change.

•  And DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

©  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Valentines Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
February, 2007

Welcome to the Valentine's Day edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'™

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
2. 7-Sure-Fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day -
    Whether You're Attached or Unattached
3. Contacting Elayne
4. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, please
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
   
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

Here comes Valentine's Day - almost guaranteed to be a set-up for
disappointment. 

On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in
a gift? Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for? Are you
crossing your fingers and  hoping your sweetie will read your
mind?

Are you disappointed once again? Do you take it personally?
Might you even feel rejected?

Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
anger and resentment.

Those resentments are the bane of relationships. And  many of
you know, as the months and years go by, the resentment grows.
It takes up so much space in in your relationship. It doesn’t
leave much room for connection and intimacy.

How Did Valentine's Day Get to Be So 'Loaded?'

For many of us it goes back to grade school.  I remember how
I used to spend many hours/days/weeks dreaming about getting
a special valentine from that special person who sat one row
over and two rows back. So cute and so clueless that I was
even interested.

I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine from him
appeared on my desk.

I remember those miserable years in grade school when I felt
so left out of the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize
about being  one of ones who got the most valentines. I hardly
got any.  Well, at least not the nearly as many as the popular
kids got.

The memory of those disappointments is still painful.
I used to pretend I didn't care. But truth be told, I was heart-broken.

Did I feel rejected.  I sure did.

Did I take it personally?  Well, of course, I told myself that
I didn't rate a valentine. Who was I to even think that cutie
one row over and two rows back would be EVER be interested
in me.

It seemed like each successive Valentine's Day became another
disappointment in an already too-long string of disappointments.
Before long, I was dreading the approach of Valentine's Day. I
hated all the yucky feelings it brought with it.

Protecting Schoolchildren from Valentine's Day Disasters

Maybe it's easier for many kids these days. Many school
districts have rules to try and stop Valentine's Day from
becoming popularity contests.  If cards do make their way
into the classrooms there cannot be a 'special 'card to a
'special person.' Often the rule is that cards must be given
to every classmate.

Hopefully when these school children are adults, they won't
have the same expectation of disappointments that so many of
the rest of us have harbored.

Expecting Disappointment

After all those years of Valentines Disappointments, do I
continue to EXPECT to feel some sort of disappointment on
Valentine's Day.  You bet.

I began to realize it's more than whether or not I happened
to have a honey that year when Valentine's Day rolled around. 
It's really the disappointments, large and small, that put a
damper on the day.

Most of these disappointments come from
unrealistic expectations. The more unrealistic our hopes and
anticipations are, the harder they hit when
they fall to the ground.

Disappointments Feel a Lot Like Rejections

Disappointments feel like rejections.  Disappointments
hurt.  Disappointments leave a big empty space.

And the awful thing about it - we take these perceived
rejections personally. And this leads to self-rejection.
We become self-blaming, self-critical, self-deprecating.
At least temporarily, our self-respect goes into hiding.

Being a Couple Brings Along Its Own Set of Disappointments

Some folks expect that once they become a couple, they are
forever done with  from those disappointing times. Being in a
relationship is no guarantee of a disappointment-free Valentine's Day. 
In fact, there are lots of ways we get our hopes up, allow ourselves a
full-fledged expectation, and come away disappointed.

Maybe you are expecting a special card with a special sentiment
and the card says only: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Maybe you are craving your honey will suggest (AND make
reservations for) that new trendy restaurant that you've been
dying to go to.  Not a word.

Maybe you have your heart set on that special new book or gift
from your favorite shop.  Nope. Doesn't happen.

And then there is that Valentine's Day frenzy in the workplace.
All day the florist is dropping off gorgeous bouquets or
long-stemmed roses to your co-workers.  You just know the next
delivery will be for you.  No. Doesn't happen.  How embarrassing.
Another disappointment.

One man I know tells this story.  "I'm afraid to buy my
girlfriend a gift or even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so
anxious that I'll choose the wrong thing, that I just don't
even buy anything.  Whoever I'm dating at
the time gets really upset with me. They get disappointed in me
and get really hurt. Then they break up with me."

Another example of how disappointments feel like rejections.
It's hard not to take them personally.

Clearly your subtle hints aren’t working. More obvious hints
aren’t working, either. However, saying what you yearn for
does work. Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's
Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out
to dinner with you. I'd like you to make the reservation."

You can make this Valentine’s Day a success by avoiding
misunderstandings and disappointments.

2.  7 sure-fire ways to a Successful Valentine’s Day

If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Respect each others
'ways.'

–5 Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not  to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.

–6 Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine’s Day doesn’t work
very well if it’s an “afterthought.”

–7 AND don’t take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little cornerof the world.

On a Personal Note

As for me, I'm older (much) and wiser (sort of) now. I'm at
long last growing past being stuck inside that perpetually
disappointed schoolgirl. 

I'm very grateful for the experience of being in a
wonderfully loving relationship for the last three years.
A relationship that gives me the space to practice saying
what I want. I also get to practice keeping my
expectations realistic. It's like I woke up one day
and realized that I'm no longer expecting disappointment.
Now I expect to be loved and to love back.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where
and when the material will appear.

The attribution should read:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a workplace consultant,
professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author.
To find out more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Editon) - Handling Expectations and Disappointments

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
January, 2007

Happy New Year and Welcome to the Holiday Recovery edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Edition)
2. The Culprits - Adrenaline Highs and Disappointments
3. Family Get-togethers and Tips
4. Gift-giving Dilemmas and Tips
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, please
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Edition)
   - Handling Expectations and Disappointments
   
   By Elayne Savage, PhD

Realizing how often my unrealistic expectations result in a
downward disappointment spiral was an illuminating moment for me.

Then I made another eye-opening connection: I figured out my
long-time struggle with dreaded rejection is really about my sensitivity
to DISAPPOINTMENTS.

The Holidays offer great practice in dealing with the kind of
disappointments that feel like rejections. Examples are all around us.

When you get disappointed you may give yourself various
explanations: "He doesn't care about me," "She just doesn't
'get' me," "My mother's comment is so mean-spirited," "He should have
guessed what I really wanted." Notice how these are all messages of rejection
and self-rejection.

After-the-Holidays-Let-down

Most of us experience some sort of after-the-Holidays-let-down.

You know how it goes: the blahs creep up and start to take over,
pushing out whatever good feelings that might have existed.

This the time of year I hear lots of disappointment laments from
workshop participants, associates and consulting and therapy clients. 

So I set out to understand the source of this yearly let-down. I'm
thinking if we understand it, we can do something about it.

2. THE CULPRITS: ADRENALINE 'HIGHS' AND DISAPPOINTMENTS

The 'Adrenaline High'

I remind myself of the emotional/physiological stress
component - the rush of adrenaline.

There are, of course, the multitude of stressful situations we
are exposed to daily. For example our time/money/relationship/
parenting/work pressures, not to mention the onslaught of
disasters in the news.  Now add to this the craziness of preparing
for theHolidays.

To get through it all, our body calls upon stress hormones - adrenaline
and cortisol.

This rush of adrenaline feels good for a while. We're on a "high"
from this over exposure to the stress hormones.

But what happens once the excitement of the Holidays are over? The
stress hormones in our system decrease because they are no longer
needed. The over-exposure to the adrenaline and cortisol causes a
'let-down.' We get the after-Holiday-Blahs.

OK, so aside from the crash after the adrenaline 'high,' let's look
at other reasons for the 'let-down.'

For some of us, after-holiday let-down happens when inflated
anticipations and expectations come crashing down. They end up in
a heap of disappointments and hurt feelings.

And regarding stressors, two of the biggest Holiday stressors
are family get-togethers and gift-giving, both resulting in a heap
of disappointments and hurt feelings if our expectations are
unrealistic.

Here are some snapshots of how it happens, how we react and some tips
for dealing with it.

3. FAMILY GET-TOGETHERS AND TIPS

Even though you know better, each year you might find yourself
engaging in some wishful thinking.

Maybe you were hoping that magically your family gathering will
turn into the picture-perfect settings you've been seeing on TV.

Or you were hoping mom will praise you for your salad-making 
talents because really went out of your way this year. Instead,
Mom  makes her own salad dressing to put on your salad, "because
yours was never very good."

Or you took special pains to dress up for dinner and Dad 
says, "Are you wearing THAT to the table?"

Or you're bursting with pride about your new professional
accomplishments and  want to be recognized.  Yet family members
are still comparing you to your cousin Tracy.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big
dose of rejection. And these feelings can lead to some pretty
tense moments.

The Holiday Hype

You know how early those 'persuasive' ads start appearing. The
purpose, of course, is to get you  ready for Great Holiday
Expectations.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly
indoctrinated by the ads. We are expecting a picture-perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner with our family.

But it doesn't happen. Somebody does or says something that
ruins it for you. Your Norman Rockwell vision quickly turns
into one of Edvard Munch's Anxiety paintings. 'The Scream'
comes to mind.

Some Holiday 'Worst Nightmare' Scenarios

Charlie's Story

For Charlie, the misery started when Uncle Frank started making
fun of his political views. Like the fish and the
fisherman, Charles bit the bait. Uncle Frank ups the ante and
begins saying hurtful things. Charlie loses it, and raises his
voice to defend his beliefs.

"It became so ugly," remembers Charlie.  It felt like I was
kicked in the stomach." 

But Charlie is already practicing for the next round. He vows,
"I won't bite the bait next time." I'll try to disengage before
I get upset. If Uncle Frank brings up any of his favorite
hot-button topics - politics or religion or sexual preferences
- I can handle it."

I'll look him directly in the eyes and say, 'Uncle Frank, I can
see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that.
However, I do not want  to discuss this subject.'" 

Allison's Story

Allison's Holiday meal took a disappointing turn when Aunt
Tilly loudly declares, "What! You're actually taking a second
slice of pie?  You don't need it."  Allison wanted to slide
from her chair and go under the table. "I felt so humiliated
when everyone was looking at me."

"I started sputtering and tried to say something back to her,
but no words came out. That's when Aunt Tilly remarked, 'Oh
come on, Allison. It's not the end of the world. You always
were way too sensitive.'"

Allison, too is practicing for next year. She now realizes
how Aunt Tilly's preoccupation with weight is not even about
Allison. It is most likely about Tilly's extra 10 pounds.

And take a guess at who the 'way too sensitive' one really
is, under that bullying exterior.

If it happens again, Allison won't take Tilly's remarks so
personally. She'll be able to stay centered.

In the meantime, she'll make sure she has a
one-to-one conversation with her Aunt. Allison will be direct
and tell Tess that she'd appreciate it if Tess would not
make weight comments to her from now on.

It's Easy to Feel Like a Little Kid Again

An interesting thing often happens to us at these family
get-togethers. It's easy to feel like a little kid again.
Like magic, we're transported back in time.

When we were small, if someone teased us or acted badly
around us, we had no clue that we had choices. We just had
to stay there and take it.

Keep reminding yourself that you DO have Choices now. You
can excuse yourself, gracefully leave the room and regain
your composure.

This brings us to some tips on some good ways to take care
of yourself. If you start practicing now you'll be an expert
by the time the Holidays roll around.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Here are a few ways to take TIME-OUTS to collect your
thoughts and your composure. Excusing yourself, slow
breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help
regain your balance (and your dignity.)

- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says
or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to
get a drink of water.

- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me,
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a
few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle
this?"

- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car.
This lets you BE INDEPENDENT about your transportation. You
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stress
of family if you need to.

When someone's behavior is obnoxious, rather than overreacting
and glaring at them, why not try a different tack?

- Try to find something you can like about that person. For
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt
is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes. 
Then concentrate on that redeemable feature.

When the person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more likely
to respond positively to you.

As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are
applicable to many life situations - not just the Holidays.

OK, now on to another big source of Holiday disappointment -
gift-giving.

4. GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS AND TIPS

Truth be told, gifts are a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you  don't get what you hoped for.  And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait, you're not done feeling rejected yet. Now you tell
yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough about
you. If they did, they'd have known what you had in mind.

Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it
personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop and shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find yourself
waiting with baited breath to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression
and body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item
at the discount store? What do you tell yourself?

And what about those popular gift cards?  The media hype has
been"Gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true
enough  for the folks who love to shop. They just love gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfectgift for themselves. 

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to shop for them.

In other words, they're taking it personally.
Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like rejection.

Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and
when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some
of those old childhood feelings of disappointment.

Gift-giving TIPS:

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want.  Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect
anyone else to try to figure it out.

NEXT MONTH

Actually I'm saving more discussion of gift-giving and tips for the
February issue of 'TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION.'

The reason of course, is that next month brings VALENTINE'S DAY - a day
that brings disappointments galore.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2006

Welcome to the second issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence
2. A Few Words About Ambivalence and Gift-giving Dilemmas
3. Tools for Taming Ambivalence
4. Contacting Elayne
5. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends, family and
business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. WHISPERS AND ROARS - THE VOICES OF AMBIVALENCE
 
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

I wrote about my Fears and my Ambivalence in my struggle to
produce my first e-letter last month.

I talked about how The Fear of Rejection was the leader of the
Fear Team: Fear of Visibility, The Fear of Failure, The Fear of
Success and The Fear of Disappointment. Fear of Judgment and
Criticism were on the sidelines as well.

I described the warring voices of my ambivalence: The
disconcerting "You can!," "You can't!" The clash between the 
voice of confidence and the voice of doubt.

When I finally finished writing it, I hit the 'send' button.

There's More to the Story

I was also struggling with another quandary: How was I going to
present myself in the e-letter?

I studied other e-newsletters. Oh my, they were so 
'professional,' 'businesslike' and 'practical.' That's
how I wanted mine to look.

In my first draft I found myself imitating them. In a 
'professional' and 'businesslike' way I presented an overview
of my struggles. Then in a 'practical' way, I jumped to a list
of 'how-to's for dealing with ambivalence.'

Something was Missing

Informative, sure, but something was missing.

A small voice was trying to get my attention. "Listen to me,"
it pleaded. I ignored it. I was determined to put out a
'professional' newsletter.

Then something allowed me to trust my intuition. I made a
decision to share that early draft with a consultation client
who was dealing with some of the same issues. Perhaps a word
or phrase would jump out at him. It did. He thanked me.

And then he asked, "Would you like some feedback?" Sure.
Why not. He knows my presenting style. He's heard me speak
professionally in various venues.

"This newsletter isn't you. It's too formal. Your strength
is in telling your story. When I hear you speak I find
myself being drawn in. But not this time. Something is
missing from your writing."

I listened. He was absolutely right.

Somehow I'd misplaced my essence.

What happened to my voice? Where were my feelings hiding? Under
a rock? In a closet? In the basement?

I found myself too concerned about what others might think. I
lost my voice. It was drowned out by my anxiety and tendency
to compare myself.

I was rejecting my Self.

The Tag-along Template

I got caught up in trying to make my e-letter fit every one
else's template. I let myself be influenced by those very
impressive professional e-zines.

I was trying to compete.

I lost ME.

I wanted to find myself again. To accept and respect myself.
To honor and enhance my strengths. I made a choice to tell
my story exactly as I was experiencing it.

As I looked at my fears and faced them, I began to move
through  them. The moment I hit the "send" button, I
realized something was  different about me. I had just
developed a new relationship - with my Self.

Many of you wrote to say how you recognized the fears I
described - Fear of Visibility was a popular one.

Some of you told me you are starting or finishing a
project that's been a gleam in your eye for a long time.

And you wrote that you are beginning to understand your
ambivalence a little better.

Those Whispers and Roars

For some folks the word 'ambivalence' means 'love and hate'
or 'good and bad.' But there are many kinds of ambivalent
feelings and thoughts.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of
simultaneously conflicting feelings, ideas or wishes which
compete with each other. It can lead to an inability to make
a decision.

We Deal with Ambivalence by:

• Avoidance –Avoiding the pain of another rejection
• Self-Sabotage - How might you sabotage yourself?
• Procrastination – A great example of how fear of rejection leads to self-rejection
• Perfectionism – If we do it ‘perfectly” no one can find fault.
• Second-guessing ­– Self-doubt about decisions
• Excuses/Rationalizations – What you tell yourself

It's a tip off you're ambivalent when you experience
uncomfortable inner conflict and can’t make a decision.
You feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may find yourself experiencing a wide-range of
ambivalent personal and professional situations:

—Having trouble deciding which mail (or papers or files or clothes)
to keep and which to toss out

—Wanting to spend time with someone, and at the same time
wanting time for yourself

—Wanting a romantic relationship, yet not being quite ready
to make a commitment

—Wanting connectedness but needing separateness

—Wanting a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours
it would require

—AND related to this Holiday Season: Having trouble making
up your mind about which gift or card to buy.

2. A FEW WORDS ABOUT AMBIVALENCE AND GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS

It's amazing how much anxiety comes from trying to pick out a
gift or greeting card. Fear of Rejection, Judgment and
Criticism run rampant.

Have you ever had this experience of looking for a gift or card?
You see something in one shop but you're not quite sure it's the
right thing. So you go to the shop across the way. There you see
something else you like.

You get really confused. You may even go back and forth between
shops a few times. You still can't make up your mind.

You may become anxious and upset because you don't know what
to do. You might even leave without buying anything. (Tips on
handling gift-giving dilemmas and in a future issue.)

When two internal voices start skirmishing with one another,
this conflict leads to uncertainty and confusion.

The confusion creates anxiety. The anxiety causes us
to freeze up and become immobilized. This degree  of
ambivalence surely isn't productive.

It takes a lot of energy to deal with these conflicting voices.
Wouldn't you rather put your energy in some other activity?

By moving past the ambivalence, it's possible to leave space
for making  choices. Here's how.

3. TOOLS FOR TAMING AMBIVALENCE

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only 
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Writing to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What
I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can
begin to move forward by naming it.Is it Fear of Rejection?
Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment?
Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Then say 
it out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently
and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early
experiences but also to family messages which are passed down
from generation to generation.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it
'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enough
to recognize when you may be starting down that old path of
doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down
this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to
take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking
yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean  ___________________.
If I fail, it would mean  _________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean  _____________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone? _____________.
Who would that be?  __________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen? _____________________.

These are all ways we hold ourselves back from our goals and our dreams. Check in with yourself: Am I procrastinating?  Second-guessing myself? Being too perfectionistic? Making excuses? Rationalizing? Avoiding?

This clash between the voice of confidence and the voice of doubt is ambivalence!

And to avoid anxiety from the clash we too often self-sabotage.

Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space you need to
recognize your options.

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to — especially
someone who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this
process.

Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and
definition. This allows enough space for choices to emerge.

And it allows you the space to move forward.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of relationship books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:

http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.