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ELAYNE SAVAGE
Entries categorized "Fear"
October 31, 2023
June 30, 2023
The Supreme Court’s Decision to Impede Young Minds
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / michaeldb
The way I see it, this was a huge week of giving permission for prejudice and discrimination based on two Supreme Court decisions. I know some of you will disagree.
Two decisions were made that easily could have far-reaching effects on just about all of us not just based in the color of our skin or our sexual preference, but could actually seep into other aspects of placing restrictions our way of life – even our religious practices or our political preferences.
I actually find the possible effects from these SC decisions very scary. The Court’s decision to effectively end race-conscious admissions is especially having an effect on me.
From Vox: “Affirmative action has been used for more than half a century by colleges and universities, initially to encourage the participation of historically marginalized groups and mitigate the effects of decades of segregation by university systems. Since the landmark Regents of the University of California v. Bakke case in 1978, the Supreme Court has repeatedly held that such programs can be used as a tool to foster diversity among a university’s student body, and that an applicant’s race or ethnic background could be deemed a plus when deciding between applicants who are similarly qualified. The Court determined that students from underrepresented racial backgrounds could “promote beneficial educational pluralism” that benefits all students — a goal compelling enough to the justices that they have continued its use. Since Bakke, the Court has upheld affirmative action in admissions despite multiple challenges, including Fisher v. University of Texas, decided as recently as 2016, in which Abigail N. Fisher, a white woman, claimed that she was rejected from the University of Texas at Austin because of preferences given to applicants of color.”
Vox: The SCOTUS decision on affirmative action in colleges, explained
Reliving An Old Scary Experience
With this Court decision, I am dreading to see the gigantic loss in the futures of so many creative and bright and dedicated young people who grew up with economic disadvantages and lack of parental encouragement.
I saw quite a few of these kids when I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker. I remember one teen who tried out for the HS play, got a huge part, practiced hard. During performances not even one family member showed up.
He did get encouragement from teachers to apply to colleges, but his just OK grades would have prevented admission to a respected college without affirmative action and teachers who believed in him.
He’s a teacher himself, now – but you probably guessed that!
Visceral Deja Vu
This decision is bringing back the same kind of visceral response for me that the movie Django Unchained did when it reminded me of my student years at the University of Alabama in the 1960’s. The school was still all-white back then.
This was the famous George-Wallace-high-profile-grandstanding-standing-in-the-schoolhouse-door drama. The time was June, 1963. The place, Tuscaloosa, Alabama.The University was about to be integrated by Vivian Malone and James Hood. The movie’s story parallels the desegregation drama at the University. Both are about striving to preserve the Southern way of life.
I missed out on the actual “stand-in-the-schoolhouse-door” day. I had just graduated and returned to Baltimore.
Well, I really didn't miss it. In a way, I was part of it. I had been involved in the careful planning that began many months before.
Deputy U.S. Attorney General Nicholas Katzenbach confronts Alabama Governor George Wallace and his attempt to block integration of students at the University of Alabama. 1963 file photo/The Associated Press. Photographer: Warren K. Leffler. U.S. News and World Report.
Knowing that desegregation was going to happen in the near future, a group of student leaders were organized to make sure plans were initiated and strategically choreographed. We were hoping to pre-empt problems and avoid violence. And we did!
James Hood and Vivian Malone headed the cast of characters of this real-life drama and were seen as heroes by the media and most of the country. Many viewed Governor George Wallace who vowed to block desegregation as the antihero. Of course, his supporters saw him as defending the southern way of life.
There are many parallels between James Hood and Vivian Malone with Django Freeman and Dr. King Schultz, the bounty hunter who frees Django. And of course there are the shared values of Stephen, the sinister house slave and George Wallace, both defiantly standing in the doorway, fiercely protecting what they believed in. Which includes acting in their own best interests.
I don’t know if Stephen had a nickname, but we called the Governor “Tail-Wind Wallace.”
The Real Heroes
The real heroes of this Alabama desegregation saga are Dr. John L. Blackburn, then Dean of Men at the University, and his band of student leaders. Many months before the official integration of the school, John L. organized thirty student leaders to make and carry out plans, meet with other students, and insure a smooth transition. He orchestrated the essentials and shepherded everyone through their roles. I remember being part of those planning sessions and how impressed I was with the commitment and teamwork involved.
Here's a reminder of what the climate was at like that time: This was seven years after mob violence took place at the University following the admission of Autherine Lucy in 1956. The violence was sparked when it became public that the University hadn’t realized from her application that she was African American.
The integration of the University took place a year before the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was enacted. At the time the white supremacy doctrine of the Ku Klux Klan influenced townspeople and politicians. KKK racism, lawlessness and violence towards African Americans was unchallenged in the Deep South media.
However, in the early 60’s the Klan and their sympathizers began to realize integration was inevitable. They wouldn’t be able to stop it.
And they were scared. And desperate. And dangerous.
More about how the Klan tried to intimidate us:
Django Freeman Meets James Hood
And here I am today reliving that decades old fearful feeling, especially being reminded we just cannot take freedoms for granted.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
[email protected] |
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April 30, 2023
Trying to Feel Safe but Old Fears Keep Assaulting Me
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / hmzphotostory
After many decades living in this house on a hill, I decided to move away from the slippery winding brick steps leading from the street to my front door. As I get older, they just don’t seem so safe anymore.
So now that I’m a full-fledged elder, I’ve been exploring various senior living choices in the Bay Area. There is a residence I love because it’s only 1/2 block away from one of my favorite shopping and restaurant streets. This really appeals to me.
Lately though, along this vibrant street where I have spent so many enjoyable hours over the years something has changed. These days there are almost daily reports of smash-and-grabs to parked cars and recently have been sidewalk assaults –– phones and purses stolen mostly by teens with guns. I know I cannot move nearby.
Maybe you, too, are becoming aware of danger lurking around where you live or shop. I recently read in the US there have been160 mass shootings so far this year and only 120 days have gone by!
After over 50 shots were fired early this morning outside a Capitol Hill night club Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz observed: “People are too quick to pick up a gun!”
In the past when I begin to feel uneasy about goings-on around me, I blog and put my feelings out there.
I like to think of myself as generally brave and fearless and gutsy. However lately something has changed in me just as it has changed for the shopping street I love so much.
Just thinking about about these incidences my skin crawls and tentacles of fear spread through my body. Why?
Oh, I get it. I began to realize this PTSD-like visceral response comes from experiencing old fears from all those many years ago when I was a Child Protective Social Worker in San Francisco.
I’d be holding my breath walking through some of those neighborhoods. Too often when I entered housing projects I had to climb stairs because someone jammed the elevators. I can’t even count the number of drug deals I interrupted on those landings.
I had to be ultra-vigilant. “Whistling a happy tune” just didn’t work.
I learned ways to try to feel a little safer. Whenever I found myself walking along a poorly lit sidewalk past dark doorways, I learned to walk out into the street in the open alongside the parked cars. This usually helped a little.
One day a co-worker was in the car with me. As we slowed and stopped for a stop sign someone in a nearby building shot through the window of my car - just behind my head. My colleague and I never ever talked about what happened even between ourselves – it all was so frightening.
One client was always worrying about me having to walk along a row of housing units to get to hers. So she showed me how to hold my set of keys between my fingers so they become a weapon if I needed to defend myself. Sometimes these days when I’m feeling scared, I find myself doing the key thing.
I had hoped those days of fear were over. But lately I’m finding that all those scary memories I had tried so hard to submerge are assaultively bursting out.
I just re-read something I blogged way back in August 2009:
“These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns…. this uneasiness breeds fear.”
I’m also remembering blogs from 15 years ago where I reflected on Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change. I wrote “Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos. I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.”
And even back then I observed “Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.”
I wrote: “This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of one indivisible Nation ‘with liberty and justice for all?’
“F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.”
And now here we are 15 years later.
And I’m too scared to move into a neighborhood I love.
Feeling Safe and Being Safe
Amanda Mull in The Atlantic writes about the difference between feeling safe and being safe:
“Safety is among the most powerful motivators of human behavior, which also makes the drive to feel safe a potent accelerant for confusion, disinformation, and panic. Staying safe requires an accurate, mutually agreed-upon understanding of reality on which to assess threats and base decisions.”
She goes on to explain: “To understand how humans think about safety, you have to understand how they think about fear. To be safe, people need to be free from the threat of physical or mental harm. But to feel safe, people need to be free from the perception of potential harm, confident that they understand what the likeliest threats are and that they are capable of avoiding them. Whether their perception is accurate is often incidental, at best, to the feeling itself.”
Yet, when we are feeling unsafe it's difficult to think clearly or act decisively. And to complicate matters, it's hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.
Yes, fear is in the air and there is something else in the air as well - helplessness and uncertainty. When these powerful, responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over.
We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
And a small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"
Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn
You are most likely aware how fear elicits primitive fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses.
So many of us grew up where our feeling of safety, security and trust were tarnished and compromised.
It’s hard to remember that in the face of danger we do have choices. We can be pro-active in our thinking and actions to deal in the best possible way for us to feel safe.
So I keep checking in with myself: ‘What do I need to feel safe? And what do I need to be safe?’
This helps me put this overwhelm in perspective:
To ask myself: How am I affected by outside events?
Why am I debilitated to this degree?
What Options do I have here?
What steps can I take to overcome the fear?
I’ve blogged about Fear 43 times over the years –– here are a few:
What’s Going to Happen to Me? (Tips for Coping with Fear)
Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring On PTSD
The Scariness of Unpredictability
Needing to Feel Safe Amid Hate-filled/Fear-driven/Revenge-generated Horrors
and here is the link to all if my Fear-Themed Blogs.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
And what is your experience with all these goings on?
Do you,too, have a story to tell?
Until next month,
Elayne
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Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
[email protected] |
November 30, 2022
Broadsided by Antisemitism
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / nialowwa
I never expected to feel so afraid again in my lifetime.
But here we are - stories in the news just about every day now of rampant antisemitism and so many other types of cringe-worthy hateful behaviors.
For me it’s like a kind of PTSD –– an uncontrollable body reaction from my childhood. Vivid memories of spiteful hurtful words coming out of mouths twisted up with anger.
I was 7 years old when my next door neighbors were spitting at me from their adjoining porch. As they spat out “Dirty Jew” it seemed like they were foaming at the mouth.
The teenage son Johnny would block my path with his bike as I walked down our alley and he'd threaten to hurt me because I was a “Dirty Jew.”
But here’s the most upsetting part: the daughter Marion was my regular playmate and good friend. We had so much fun practicing song and dance routines in her basement. I especially remember:
“While strolling through the park one day,
In the merry merry month of May,
I was taken by surprise,
By a pair of roguish eyes,
In a moment my poor heart was stole away.”
And Marion taught me some Italian too – the words to the lullaby
"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
My bambino kook-a la goombah
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa my bambino go to sleep!"
And I've never forgotten them.
I remember the day we took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the altar and showed me how to light the candles.
I still never miss a chance to spend time in a church or cathedral and I always light candles, remembering those times with Marion.
I’m always hoping these sweet, dear remembrances will balance the snarl and hateful words of the parents, but alas, no.
PTSD-Like Flashbacks
Something always sets off this old fearful visceral response.
Often it’s something I hear or read connected to hatred, and I cringe from the reawakening of those foaming-at-the-mouth memories.
As you may have guessed the latest incident was when two men known for their racist and antisemitic beliefs were welcomed for dinner at Mar-a-Lago by Donald J. Trump –– Ye (formerly known as rapper Kanye West) and Holocaust Denier Nick Fuentes.
Ye has recently been condemned for making antisemitic comments on social media and he felt the consequences of his actions when several businesses severed ties with him.
Nick Fuentes is well-known as a White Supremacist, anti-Semite and Holocaust Denier. He was a college student when he came to prominence during the Charlottesville ‘Unite the Right’ rally in 2017 – where the marchers chanted “Jews will not replace us.”
That day, hearing those chants, I really grasped the frightening extent of today’s antisemitism.
On the February 2022 livestream of his ‘America First’ program, Fuentes announced “I’m just like Hitler.”
This dinner invitation was clearly an ill-thought-out action that will likely be interpreted as an invitation or directive for encouraging, legitimizing, and normalizing bigotry.
It easily can become a coded message, a ‘dog-whistle’ to embolden suggestible folks to engage in scary hateful acting-out behaviors.
And the consequences of giving permission to express hatred could be deadly.
Giving Permission – A Double Edged Sword
I’m fascinated with the various aspects of ‘giving permission.’
In my work with therapy and workplace clients almost every day I have the opportunity to ‘give permission’ for them to try out new ideas and behaviors and skills. I love to be able to help clients recognize that in tough or stressful situations they do have choices and can expand their options.
They can choose to give themselves permission to recognize and ask for what they need. Permission to keep their expectations realistic. Permission to experience success by doing a 'good enough' job. Permission to try out new ideas, behaviors and skills. Permission to check things out with the other person and not presume meaning or intent.
Permission-giving happens in the business world as well when the company culture actually encourages shady behaviors by way of 'winks and nods' and ‘turning a blind eye’ when management, sets the “Tone at the Top.”
And then, there is the scary Dark Side of being given permission and encouragement to express anger and frustration and hatred by engaging in bullying behavior or creating violence and turmoil through verbal and physical attacks or even committing mass killings including the copycatting of violent behavior.
(By the way, usually bullies need to puff themselves up to overcome their own insecurities and feel powerful, and they need to diminish others in order to feel in control of their own anxieties)
And have you noticed how there are many "no comments?" Silence shrieks permission and encouragement by condoning the behavior.
More on Giving Permission: Giving Permission – A Double Edged Sword
I never expected to see this kind of rampant hate against my religion in my lifetime and I do not feel safe.
I’ve become used to the police and security always outside of synagogues during religious services.
It’s so weird to feel upset realizing they are there because I could be in danger, and yet at the same time feeling calmed by their presence.
“Give Me Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free” (and I Will Provide Safety and Security)
Many of our ancestors came to this country because of fearful living conditions –– sometimes by human trafficking, however most chose to escape life-threatening conditions: religious persecution, genocide, or illness and death from diseases like the Irish potato famine.
As you can imagine, fears regarding safety and security and trust and death and abandonment have been passed down through the generations in many of our families.
The dangerous, unhealthy conditions left behind in the ‘old country’ are usually never spoken about once a family settles in this country.
However these fears can be incredibly influential and damaging to each subsequent generation.
In my several decades of working with psychotherapy and workplace clients we explore the impact of these often unspoken generational messages.
I am not naive to the long-time undercurrent of discrimination toward Jewish people.
I certainly experienced it at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa when I was a student there in the days the Klu Klux Klan was openly active. In fact, the Imperial Wizard, Robert Shelton, actually lived in Tuscaloosa!
The KKK burned a 14 ft cross on the front lawn of A Jewish fraternity. They also threatened violence toward other Jewish students as well. As a scare tactic, my sorority house was broken into, requiring round the clock campus police protection. There were threats of violence just before an upcoming pep rally and school officials asked not to wear our fraternity or sorority pins in public.
In other words, unless we became invisible our lives were in danger. It was a scary time.
Interestingly, it was the burning of the cross at his fraternity that led my friend Joe Levin to become a civil rights activist attorney.. “Once my eyes were opened, I couldn't ignore others who were persecuted around me.”
And in 1971 Joe Levin started the Southern Poverty Law Center with Morris Dees, which as you may know has prosecuted the Klan and other hate groups many times over the years.
More on KKK: Django Freeman Meets James Hood
Yes I’ve felt prejudice, yes, I’ve been scared before, but I never, ever dreamed I would experience in my lifetime such a massive outpouring of such alarming antisemitic behavior in the United States of America.
I’m afraid.
I’m very afraid.
I believe what frightens me most is when influential people give permission to act dangerously hateful.
Vox explains: The deep roots of antisemitism’s resurgence in America
My ancestors came to the US to escape persecution and to feel safe and secure. They were able to provide security for their children and grandchildren.
What happened?
© Elayne Savage
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
August 31, 2022
Intention Deficit Disorder – New Kid on the Block
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By Elayne Savage, PhD |
©Can Stock Photo/Sangoiri
I’ve been fascinated by each of my new discoveries about ADHD ever since I realized several years ago that my brain seems to function a little differently and I began to understand that I have been creating ‘work-arounds for school work and projects and chores to help me get by.
For years I’ve been taking copious notes during a lecture or training, I make lists constantly and there’s always an array of post-its around my house!. Folks tease me about my lists.
Then a few years ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist for a concussion and I started joking around, “Oh that’s just my ADHD!”
She was quick to say, “You think? I can test you.”
And guess what, I am ADHD. Now all my work-arounds make perfect sense. I was actually taking good care of myself all those years without knowing why.
One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned is how ADHD is often missed in girls. With boys’ often disruptive acting out behaviors teachers spot it in the classroom. But girls get missed because it is more ‘quiet’ – presenting as moodiness/depression and anxiety.
I’m always so delighted to make a new ADHD discovery. Actually because I specialize in rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally I figured out decades ago that there seemed to be a connection between these challenges and ADHD. And in the last few years there have been studies linking all this up. There is even a term for it: ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ - RSD.
So I’m excited about my most recent ADHD discovery and wanting to share it with you.
I’m on the email list for an absolutely terrific resource, ADDitudeMag.com and spotted this article in a recent edition.
Intention Deficit Disorder: Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action
Psychologist Russell Barkley writes about Intention Deficit Disorder – an ADHD trait that gets in the way of not accomplishing goals.
“Intention deficit disorder is not a real diagnosis but a term Russell Barkley, Ph.D. uses to describe what he believes is a central struggle of ADHD: difficulty accomplishing goals. Learn how this trait is tied to executive dysfunction, plus ways to meet your goals with action"
“Intention deficit disorder is not a medical diagnosis but a helpful way to frame a persistent ADHD challenge: the inability to further goals with timely action. Here, learn about the executive function deficits that give rise to “intention deficits,” plus ways to bridge the gap between objectives and tactics.”
“Think of ADHD as a performance disorder. People with ADHD know what they need to do, but they struggle – greatly, at times – to transform intention into action, whether that’s preparing for a test or finalizing an important project at work. It’s an issue directly tied to the executive function difficulties inherent in ADHD. And yet, this very real challenge of ADHD is often mistaken for laziness and lack of motivation, which many breed low self-esteem and even depression.”
(And I'd like to add so many descriptions come to mind from my observations as a therapist and workplace consultant and from my experiences with my own ADHD: Procrastination, Perfectionism, Ambivalence, Avoidance, Anxiety, Fear of failure and even Fear of Success!)
I've written lots of blogs on these topics - see the categories archive list on the right side of this page.)
On a personal note, it helps me to think of ADHD as related to Intention – and keeps me from getting caught up in the cycle of disappointment that too often feels like rejection.
Here are some highlights and tips from Russell Blakely:
Unpacking Intention Deficit Disorder: The ADHD Struggle to Perform
Executive Dysfunction Affects Behavior and Performance Executive
1. Dysfunction Muddles Time
2. Intention Deficit Turns Everything Into a Crisis
3. Intention Deficit Looks Like Laziness
Intention Deficit Disorder: Turning Intention Into Action
1. Externalize time by using external representations of time — like calendars, white boards, visual timers
2. Bring the future to the present –– Dividing long-term goals into smaller, contiguous steps is one way
3. Ensure motivation along the way –– some ideas:
- short breaks in between longer bursts of work
- body doubles, or accountability partners
- visualizing rewards and positive outcomes
Here is the link for the complete ATTitudeMag.com piece:
(By the way, on a personal note: one of my favorite paths to success is working with the company of another person!)
And some links to a whole bunch of articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Would love to hear your responses to all this!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 31, 2022
Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited
By Elayne Savage, PhD
©Can Stock Photo-LumaxArt2D
Have you noticed how over the last few months there have been lots of media references to Trumpism and Cult-like behavior?
I just did a Google search and found dozens, maybe even hundreds of recent links! Actually the number surprised me because the last time I searched, 5 years ago, I found only one link besides my blog from 2016. (See below for the 2017 op-ed piece by Reza Aslan.)
This week marks the 6th anniversary of putting my fears about the influence of cultism into writing when, on July 27 2016, I blogged about my anxiety.
Below are some of my observations from Does the Art of the Deal Mean Selling your Soul? all those years ago:
From Bill Moyers
Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning:
“Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”
And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"
Moyers continues: This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.”
Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.
"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html
(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )
Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons
Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.
‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase: “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.
The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country.
With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Fear is in the Air and It’s Contagious
Cult Culture
To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s.
As a Child Protective Services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced to take part in a mass murder/suicide.
I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. The call ended abruptly. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment.
Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member
Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.
As he says in the book’s preface “The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”
50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders ––Who Do You Recognize Here?
Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.
Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:
– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
– Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.
Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders
It's quite amazing to me how many of these have to do with reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.
Joe Navarro writes: “When the question is asked, “When do we know when a cult leader is bad, or evil, or toxic?” this is the list that I use to survey the cult leader for dangerous traits. Of course the only way to know anything for sure is to observe and validate, but these characteristics can go a long way to help with that. And as I have said, there are other things to look for and there may be other lists, but this is the one that I found most useful from studying these groups and talking to former members of cults”.
The above observations are from my blog from 2016.
My Original 6 Year-old List Seems So Naïve!
As I re-read my list from 6 years ago that I felt were the most obvious characteristics of Donald J. Trump, it seems so naïve now!
I’m amazed I missed so many Trump traits back then. Now that I that I better ‘know’ Donald J. Trump there are many that I would have to include today. Now they seem so hard to miss!
Here are more of Joe Navarro’s characteristics that I would add now:
– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.
– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.
– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.
– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.
– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.
Believes himself to be omnipotent.
– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.
– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.
– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”
– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”
Actually there are yet another 25 or so characteristics that Joe Navarro lists – what did I miss?
How many of Donald Trumps words or behaviors in the complete list of 50 characteristics do you recognize? Do you see them in other folks as well?
You can imagine how back then lots of folks disagreed with my audacity writing this blog in equating Donald J. Trump with Cult-like behavior.
And yet times have changed some.
I did find an LA Times opinion piece by Reza Aslan from back then when I just did a Google search. It was a lonely article. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, there are many such pieces the last couple of years.
From the LA Times in November 6, 2017
“I am not the first person to point this out: There’s been a cultish quality to President Trump’s most ardent supporters. He seemed to acknowledge the phenomenon when he boasted that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” and not lose voters.
Throughout the campaign, and in personal appearances since then, Trump has harnessed the kind of emotional intensity from his base that is more typical of a religious revival meeting than a political rally, complete with ritualized communal chants (“Lock her up!”).
“, , , , If Trump’s presidency deteriorates further, expect the religious fervor of many of his followers to reach a fever pitch. That poses a risk for the country. Because the only thing more dangerous than a cult leader is a cult leader facing martyrdom.”
https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-aslan-trump-cultists-20171106-story.html
In 2020 a book appeared by cult expert Steven Hassan who was once a ‘Moonie’ in the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, The Cult of Trump: A Leading Cult Expert Explains How the President Uses Mind Control.
From publisher Simon & Schuster:
Since the 2016 election, Donald Trump’s behavior has become both more disturbing and yet increasingly familiar. He relies on phrases like, “fake news,” “build the wall,” and continues to spread the divisive mentality of us-vs.-them. He lies constantly, has no conscience, never admits when he is wrong, and projects all of his shortcomings on to others. He has become more authoritarian, more outrageous, and yet many of his followers remain blindly devoted. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and a major Trump supporter, calls him one of the most persuasive people living. His need to squash alternate information and his insistence of constant ego stroking are all characteristics of other famous leaders—cult leaders.
In The Cult of Trump, mind control and licensed mental health expert Steven Hassan draws parallels between our current president and people like Jim Jones, David Koresh, Ron Hubbard, and Sun Myung Moon, arguing that this presidency is in many ways like a destructive cult. He specifically details the ways in which people are influenced through an array of social psychology methods and how they become fiercely loyal and obedient. Hassan was a former “Moonie” himself, and he presents a “thoughtful and well-researched analysis of some of the most puzzling aspects of the current presidency, including the remarkable passivity of fellow Republicans [and] the gross pandering of many members of the press” (Thomas G. Gutheil, MD and professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School).
The Cult of Trump is an accessible and in-depth analysis of the president, showing that under the right circumstances, even sane, rational, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to believe the most outrageous ideas. “This book is a must for anyone who wants to understand the current political climate” (Judith Stevens-Long, PhD and author of Living Well, Dying Well).
Quotes From The Cult of Trump:
“Another way to control thoughts is through the use of loaded language, which, as Lifton pointed out, is purposely designed to invoke an emotional response. When I look at the list of thought-controlling techniques—reducing complex thoughts into clichés and platitudinous buzz words; forbidding critical questions about the leader, doctrine, or policy; labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate or evil—it is astounding how many Trump exploits.
[Cult] members learn a new vocabulary that is designed to constrict their thinking into absolute, black-and-white, thought-stopping clichés that conform to group ideology. (“Lock her up” and “Build the Wall” are Trumpian examples. Even his put-downs and nicknames—Crooked Hillary, Pocahontas for Elizabeth Warren—function to block other thoughts. Terms like “deep state” and “globalist” also act as triggers. They rouse emotion and direct attention.)”
“As New York Times columnist Charles Blow observed, “Trump tells his followers about all the things of which they should be afraid, or shouldn’t trust or should hate, and then positions himself as the greatest defense against those things
“. . . . This brings me to an important point and a key aspect of my approach. By attacking or belittling Trump’s followers, political opponents and traditional media may be helping Trump to maintain his influence over his base. In my experience, telling a person that they are brainwashed, that they are in a cult, or that they are following a false god, is doomed to fail. It puts them immediately on the defensive, confirms you are a threat, possibly an enemy, and reinforces their indoctrination. It closes their mind to other perspectives. I’ve seen this happen over and over again. It happened to me when I was in the Moon group. It immediately triggers a person’s mind control programming—including thought stopping and us-versus-them thinking, with you being the ‘them.’”
There are lots of articles exploring the popularity of Trump. A bottom line of course being his Populist appeal to folks who feel that their concerns are disregarded by others, especially established elite groups.
I guess you can tell I’m even more fearful these days than I was back in 2016!
Just needed to put my anxiety into words. Thanks for reading . . . and would love to hear your thoughts.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
August 31, 2021
Inhale. Exhale.
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© CanStock Photos
This Seattle times op-ed by the Head of School at Seattle Girls' School, Brenda Leaks, is helping me get through the very tough times of late. I’m grateful to my daughter Jocelyn for forwarding this to me.
As the doors of Seattle Girls' School are opening for the beginning of a new school year Brenda Leaks is describing her complex thoughts, observations, concerns and hopes.
She seems to portray classroom challenges as a microcosm for the world and for our planet.
“This is not the back-to-school season any of us expected, she writes. With the delta variant surging, we are steeling ourselves for yet another year of uncertainty.”
“I found myself with my eyes closed, inhaling and exhaling deeply in an effort to center myself.”
Throughout her piece, she reminds us:
Inhale, exhale.
“At this strange moment, deep breathing seems like the best thing we can do. Inhaling creates the space to pull in strength and patience and exhaling lets us release anxiety and doubt.”
I was immediately caught up by her observations, especially because she focuses on so many of the themes I have been blogging about: the need for community, feeling left out or left behind, another year of uncertainly, how to feel safe, and how each person is dealing with different feelings, stressors, comfort levels and anxieties.
I just love her repetition of her reminders to:
“Inhale, exhale.”
These words have now become indelible inside my head.
And yet, as I write this while struggling to breathe because of the intense smoke from our nearby wildfires, I am fully aware that there are many whose lungs don’t cooperate, breathing is compromised from Covid or other disabilities. Perhaps the idea of breathing is best identified as a way of creating space when we feel tense, stressed, anxious, exasperated.
I’ve been working hard to keep my own anxieties at bay. I’m a news junkie at heart and I’m certainly feeling overwhelmed these days.
Are Evacuations Becoming a Way of Life?
So many evacuations –– in Afghanistan of course and in the US, too, from Hurricane Ida, floods, tornados and storms and because of all the wildfires throughout California.
Imagine! Hurricane Ida made landfall in Louisiana on the same date Katrina did 16 years earlier!
Evacuations have become a part of my personal life too, mostly because of wildfire threats to our drought-ridden areas.
A year ago Josie the Cat and I evacuated 7 times in two months during extreme fire danger conditions. City officials kept warning us that cars would not be able to drive down the hill because of our narrow streets. And we continue to get red flag warnings regularly.
When I blogged last month about getting our Afghan interpreters to safety so there is no one left behind, I didn’t expect a Taliban takeover within 2 ½ weeks, followed by 2 suicide bombs by ISIS-K killing 13 of US troops and scores of civilians.
And, too, I have needed much healing space after a very scary car accident in mid-March when I hydroplaned into logs bordering the narrow road. I have a serious traumatic head injury from hitting the driver’s side window – hard.
Rescue, police and the tow guy all said I was really lucky — that my solid SUV saved me. The car was totaled of course.
I am working every day to stay calm in this chaotic world. I have been trying to cut back on my news junkie hours. I have been working one-on-one with a meditation instructor and I am making a real effort to spend even 10 minutes a couple times a day to calm my mind.
Once I got over my long-held belief from Zen Center days that meditation has to be 30 or 40 minutes, it has become so much easier for me to make the space.
Inhale, exhale.
And I appreciate Brenda Leaks down-to-earth description of Joy:
“Moving forward with purpose and excitement despite setbacks.”
Inhale, exhale.
So I’m sharing this op-ed with you, hoping you, too, can apply some her ideas to our larger-than-a-classroom-sometimes overwhelming complex world . . .
https://www.seattletimes.com/author/brenda-leaks/
Until next month, Elaynne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Comments, ideas, discussion anyone?
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
June 30, 2021
Disloyalty, Betrayal and Secrets, Too
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / Elnur
Loyalty and Betrayal (and Secrets, too) have been a popular topic with friends, colleagues and clients lately. There must be something in the air.
Topics of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets have captured my interest for decades – they have such a strong connection to the many facets of Rejection.
So I’m excited about Jonathan Karl’s soon-to-be-published book Betrayal, due out in November!
In graduate school, I was totally intrigued by Invisible Loyalties, by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, focusing on how loyalty and betrayal messages travel throughout the generations in our families.
More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger
He describes an invisible ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.
My first reaction: OMG that’s my family! I have never thought about things this way.
There are so many messages we take on in our growing up years. Messages about our world, the people in our world, our sense of safety and security in our world and our ability to trust.
And experiences with the disappointments of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets can big time affect our ability to trust.
I see it this way: Too often we might find ourselves feeling disappointed in people or events. And all too often, Disappointment feels like Rejection.
When Disloyalty Rears Its Ugly Head
Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”
Some folks even encourage others to choose sides. And because blind support becomes a proof of loyalty to them, if it is absent they they feel betrayed and take it personally.
Sometimes in interactions with other there is just no room for mistakes – even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of disloyalty and emphasizing what a bad person that person is.
Some folks seem to have a need to lash out and punish others for a mis-step, kind of like when a dog has an 'accident,’ rubbing its nose in it "to teach a lesson."
Then again, sometimes it emanates from being vindictive and retaliating in just plain mean-spiritedness
Are there other kinds of Disloyalty experiences you are aware of?
Making Someone ‘Bad and Wrong’
Wrapped up in our need to make others bad and wrong might be connected to our inability to take responsibility for our thoughts or actions.
Some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.
Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)
And if we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this can lead to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.
Psychological Projection
So basically Psychological Projection is a tendency to mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because these disowned parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us.
Projection is how many people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.
(For more on Psychological Projection, see link below)
The ‘Attack-Defend’ Dynamic
When we feel a finger is pointed and we feel criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. And the Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”
The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:
Lashing out
Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing
Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning
You may recognize these responses as rejecting behaviors.
Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience
I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, try to remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.
- It helps to put things in perspective by asking yourself:
Am I taking this personally? How?
Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
Am I feeling rejected in some way?
Where did this reaction come from?
Is it something “old”?
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)
- Try repeating:
"This is not about me. This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?“ Could they be coming from a place of fear and needing to protect themselves?
- Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be? Is it superimposing onto your present experience?
The context and people may be very different from what is happening now, however the experience continues to reside in your neural pathways and becomes visceral.
- Can you remind yourself to try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you are creating some distance? So you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting.
- By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options for your reactions.
‘Make a Choice to Make a Change'
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.
So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. You can ‘make a choice to make a change.’
More on Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 31, 2021
Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring On PTSD
© Can Stock Photo / arloo
Ever since January 6, with the invasion of the Capitol, I was finding myself dreading to hear the detailed stories from members of Congress describing their experiences of evacuating and going into hiding – on the floor and under tables.
And how they were afraid during all those hours that they were going to die.
And some had family members with them that day.
I felt sick to my stomach knowing that many of them would be having long-term effects from their traumatic experiences.
And I was also dreading it because I knew some of their stories would reawaken many of my own experiences of trauma and fear.
For decades, as a Child Protective Services Social Worker and a psychotherapist in private practice, I have heard stories from clients about experiencing life-threatening situations. Sometimes their own, and sometimes as a witness to situations of others.
And then, there are my own memories of fearful sometimes life-threatening situations.
With many of the stories I hear my own memories come flooding back – of all the times I thought I was going to die.
Memories and visceral reactions resurface when I hear stories of these kinds of traumas. I have come to expect that many of them will recreate the traumas I have experienced as a child and during my often dangerous job as a Social Worker in San Francisco.
I’m writing this to describe how easily events – even seemingly subtle ones – can be traumatizing — and might affect each of us in different ways. We all have different ways of processing and different degrees of resilience.
As a young child, being on the receiving end of someone’s repeated out-of-control rage takes a toll as learned years later.
A neighborhood bully tried to strangle me in the alley when I was little kid in DC. And this happened again a few years later in Omaha.
A Social Service client tried to strangle me when I was temporarily working in General Assistance, found she was already receiving checks from us and had to deny aid to her. She was pretty upset, walked behind my desk grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall. I had just returned to work after having a baby. It took years to recover from that frightening experience. And it took me a while to figure out those early strangling attempts contributed to my distress.
And once when I was making home visits and stopped at a traffic light, someone fired into the rear window just behind my drivers seat. Another social worker was in the front seat. We never, ever talked about the incident.
Then there was the time in San Francisco when my car was hit from behind by a streetcar — right into the path if an oncoming streetcar which thankfully was able to stop 3 or 4 feet from me. In those few moments I thought I was going to die.
Several decades later I was broadsided by someone who ran a light. As I watched the car coming at me, once again I thought I was going to die. It took me a while to figure out this was surely a post–traumatic response to the streetcar experience.
For months after that accident I started shaking very time I saw a car insurance ad on TV – complete with crash sounds. It took a while for me to realize my frightening streetcar experience of all those years ago was affecting my reaction to being broadsided.
I decided to do something about it!
EMDR
I knew that Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) would be helpful in dealing with the neural pathways because I had trained in it 3 decades ago.
EFT
I wanted to try something new so I choose to try using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and my doctor referred me to a practitioner. It took one only session for me to learn to calm the anxiety that arose from the sights and sounds of the TV car crashes and other loud noises.
And of course, as a psychotherapist, I know how helpful it is to talk to someone knowledgeable about trauma.
Here’s what was happening in my brain
The brain takes snapshots and encodes certain aspects of what is happening in the moment. And the stress hormones come into play. Adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are activated by the amygdala and result in fight, flight or freeze reactions.
These central (survival) details are imprinted, encoded and put into life-long storage in the neural pathway. Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - with renewed spurts of the stress hormones during a new experience, often repeating over the course of our lives.
Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.
According to neuroscience the human brain processes, files and stores memories that are linked to strong emotions. The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens the information you take in by your five senses – sounds, smells, sights, tastes, touch.
When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction – a visceral reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and upon reflection it turns out to be some kind of stored memory. A ticking clock, the taste or smell of certain food, your fingertips touching something.
Here’s the puzzling part for many of us: while certain aspects of the trauma are imprinted on our brain often for the rest of our lives, other aspects may be fuzzy or not remembered at all.
We tend to remember the essential, central, survival details, and the peripheral details get filtered out by the brain’s filing system – the hippocampus.
Recently there has been a distinction between PTSD and CPTSD which means Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
What is PTSD? What is Complex PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Symptoms and causes ...
www.mayoclinic.org › symptoms-causes › syc-20355967
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition triggered by a terrifying event, causing flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety.
The event can be witnessed rather then personally experience.
CPTSD results from repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event..
It can be the same situation repeated or a series of terrifying experiences.
More on PTSD and CPTSD:
https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd
More about How Trauma Affects Memory:
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/09/28/652524372/how-trauma-affects-memory-scientists-weigh-in-on-the-kavanaugh-hearing
https://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-relationship-between-the-amygdala-and-hippocampus.htm
How Memories Are Affected by Anniversary Reactions:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-d-erlich-md/grief_b_1164254.html
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2013/08/my-mother-my-daughter-myself-and-a-powerful-anniversary-reaction.html
About the Difference Between Central vs. Peripheral Memory Details
https://beta.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/christine-blasey-ford-s-memories-brett-kavanaugh-are-30-years-ncna913511
Another type of trauma which we so often don't recognize as PTSD, is the loss of someone. This is especially true if we lose a parent or grandparent when we are children or young adults. Even more devastating if we are not supported in grieving the death.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
[email protected]
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 01, 2021
And on to Another Year . . .
I just reread it and I’m remembering how I felt so full of hope as I wrote this blog.
Wishing you a New Year full of Light, Hope, Resilience, Security and Peace . . .
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 31, 2020
What Do I Need to Feel Safe and to Be Safe?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / artinspiring
Seems like lately conversations, emails and texts end with “Be Safe.” Have you noticed this too? I’m trying to figure out what it takes for me feel safe. And wondering if feeling safe is the same thing as actually being safe?
The recent threatening wildfires are bringing back memories of 30 years ago when a wildfire that started near me was fueled by strong winds and burned thousands of homes killing 25 people and quite s few animals.
https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/fire-sweeps-through-oakland-hills
I’ve lived here almost 50 years and experienced lots of Red Flag warnings.
But this year it is different.
Wildfire threats seem to be commanding more attention than usual and I’ve been coming face to face with renewed considerations of safety with each warning. I’ve been carefully considering my choices and opting for the safest path.
Every time we get a warning email, text or phone call, there has been a caveat: warning us not to count on driving our cars down the narrow, winding streets. “Plan to walk the 1 1/2 miles down the hill. And if your health is compromised and prevents you from walking down, consider evacuating early.”
So since the end of August my cat Josie and I have evacuated 7 times in two months! Mostly because I want us to feel safe. We have gone to pet friendly motels (she loves La Quinta!) or to stay with my college friend, Bette and her Treeing Walker Coon Hound who has been determined to befriend Josie but is consistently rejected. Josie has been a really good sport about the upheavals, and I am trying hard to be.
Yes I am exhausted from it all - especially packing and unpacking and repacking the car. Oh yes, then there is the emotional exhaustion. Whernkever I am I still keep teletherapy appointments with clients and try hard to answer correspondence.
This last warning was the most threatening: The National Weather Service expected winds up to 40 miles per hour and wind gusts up to 70 mph. Surely uprooted trees and large falleno limbs could block traffic on our narrow roads. O
This time the Mayor of Berkeley wrote: “We encourage hills residents to consider preemptively evacuating to the homes of friends, family or to hotels until dangerous weather subsides. They even sent out a list of motels offering discounts for pre-emptive evacuees. And lots of us did just that.
Luckily the dangerously high winds never did materialize. The next day on the neighborhood listserve some folks blamed the mayor for unnecessary alarmist fear mongering and berated those of us who evacuated for “living in fear.”
Actually I think of it as living in reality and carefully assessing and reassessing what it would take for me to feel safe and be safe. This was not a time for me to try to puff myself up in order to appear fearless. That’s an old familiar role for me and this was not a good time for a repeat.
With the advent of the pandemic safety measures have been part of the mind set of most of us. Measures that we never dreamed of absorbing into our daily lives: masks, constant hand washing, safe distances and the hardest of all: respecting what others need in order for them to feel safe even though we may not believe in that safety measure for ourselves.
Amanda Mull in The Atlantic writes about the difference between feeling safe and being safe:
“Safety is among the most powerful motivators of human behavior, which also makes the drive to feel safe a potent accelerant for confusion, disinformation, and panic. Staying safe requires an accurate, mutually agreed-upon understanding of reality on which to assess threats and base decisions.”
She goes on to explain: “To understand how humans think about safety, you have to understand how they think about fear. To be safe, people need to be free from the threat of physical or mental harm. But to feel safe, people need to be free from the perception of potential harm, confident that they understand what the likeliest threats are and that they are capable of avoiding them. Whether their perception is accurate is often incidental, at best, to the feeling itself.”
You are most likely aware how fear elicits primitive fight-flight-or freeze responses. It’s hard to recognize that in the face of danger we do have choices. We can be pro-active in our thinking and actions to deal in the best possible way for us to feel safe.
Here is the full article from The Atlantic:
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2020/10/pandemic-safety-america/616858/
So I keep checking in with myself: ‘What do I need to feel safe? And what do I need to be safe?’
Last month I looked at a bit different aspect of all this:
Needing Comfort and Reassurance – Getting Chaos and Fear Instead
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http//www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
September 30, 2020
Needing Comfort and Reassurance – Getting Chaos and Fear Instead
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I live in fire-ravaged California. As you can imagine, life for many of us has been pretty chaotic.
This has been such an unsettling and scary time for most of us: massive uncertainty about Covid, the devastated economy, loss of our treasured routines and the accompanying stress and depression. And now for some of us, natural disasters and the out-of-control wildfires.
So three times in the last month my high altitude neighborhood received Red Flag fire warnings to be ready to evacuate because of the drought, lightening strikes and high winds.
(Addendum: a day after I wrote this, a 4th evacuation!)
Then city officials tossed in another warning: trying to escape a wildfire, we may not be able to drive the two miles down our narrow winding roads. They suggest we plan on walking.
Me? At my age with ever-present back and rib pain? Walk 2 miles carrying the cat and a Go-bag?
So what to do?
My daughter Jocelyn and my brother Lee supported the idea of getting a pet-friendly motel room. So we did.
Again, a week later, we evacuated to different pet-friendly motel. Then the two latest times my good friend, my long-ago college roommate Bette invited us to stay with her in a nearby town.
After the second evacuation we returned home to a dying refrigerator, although I guess you could say the new one I ordered sight unseen is comforting –– in a way.
For a month chaos and uncertainty abounded – permeating every pore, just like the tainted air we are trying to breathe. And we’re not even into our normal fire season yet.
So when the extended Red Flag warning ended, the cat and I returned home in time to watch the presidential debate. Big mistake. It brought more chaos, distress, turmoil and uncertainty when I was craving assurances, balance, security and comforting.
The wreckage I witnessed during this debate was all too similar to the devastation of nearby homes and properties.
And the extreme bullying brought back childhood experiences of mean-spirited name-calling, religious taunting and the times neighborhood boys threatened me in the alley behind my house.
When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.
And that feeling sure took over during the debate!
The Imprint of Early Experiences
Over the years I’ve heard many similar descriptions from therapy and workplace clients about how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors:
- steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
- bickering, accusations and high drama
- personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
- bullying and name-calling
- blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
- boundarylessness
- illogical thinking and flawed judgment
- fuzzy and confused communication
- self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
- blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
- crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen –– often referred to as ‘gaslighting’
- deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
- making and taking back statements
From ‘The Scariness of Unpredictability’
And the constant interrupting was especially unsettling to many, reminding them of not being listened to or heard – feeling dismissed – both in childhood and in their workplace and personal relationships.
The Master of Distractions and Deflections
And the interruptions lead to another observation: how President Trump's Mastery of Distraction and Deflection was on full display.
Seems to me the never-ending interruptions and cross-talk was a very successful attempt to deflect the questions and the issues.
We never got to know if President Trump could answer the questions because he didn’t have to make an attempt when he deflected by talking over Chris Wallace. And by talking over Joe Biden and not letting him finish his answers, President Trump was able to keep him from appearing knowledgeable. Very clever!
Journalists and editorial boards also offered opinions about these behaviors:
From the USA Today Editorial Board:
“As for Trump, he was nothing short of a horror show. He apparently didn’t get the memo about trying to expand his appeal. For months, he has seen his mission as turning out his core supporters and tearing down his Democratic opponent, attacking Biden as corrupt, a puppet of the far left and mentally incompetent.
Trump came in to Cleveland thinking that his job was talk over Biden whenever the former vice president was speaking. The effect was like an adolescent bully in a lunchroom cafeteria harassing people just to draw attention to himself. His outbursts were studded with nonsensical statistics and outright lies.”
“This was not the presidential debate that Trump needed to catch up with poll-leading Biden. More important, it was not the kind of debate that reassures America about the fate of its troubled democracy.”
https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3580566001
From USA Today Opinion:
“If you’re a Trump supporter, you loved his obnoxious, bullying, in-your-face style. He bulldozed over Wallace, and frequently shoved Biden around verbally. Never mind that the president spewed countless distortions and bald-faced lies on a variety of topics. We’re in a post-truth, alternative facts world, where people can believe, if they choose to do so, that the sun rises in the West and sets in the East.
If you’re a Biden supporter, you loved how he laughed openly at Trump, how he told him to “stop yapping,” and how "everything he says is a lie… everyone knows he’s a liar.”
If you want to know what a second Trump term would be like, you saw it last night: Delusional, thoroughly dishonest, bullying and unable to tolerate dissent.“
https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3571979001
And some fact-checking from USA Today:
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2020/09/30/debate-fact-check-biden-trump-covid-19-law-enforcement-more/3585342001/
Craving Comforting
I badly was needing some reassurance after my evacuation ordeals. I am grateful for the few moments Joe Biden spoke directly to viewers and in the midst of the chaos and disruption, trying to reassure. Unfortunately, the bullying by the president overshadowed any feeling of security Biden’s efforts might have allowed.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Did you watch the debate? Did you, too, have strong reactions, even on a visceral level?
Would you share your impressions?
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
June 30, 2020
Screaming in the Car Wash
By Elayne Savage, PhD
The other day when nothing was going right I felt like I just needed to scream. So I headed to the car wash.
I’ve done this maybe two times over the years, but not in a long, long time.
I let out long, loud scream as my car was going through. It felt great!
Some folks run hard and feel a great release.
Some folks get relief by screaming into a pillow.
I’ve heard about to punching a pillow. Or even pounding a pillow with a baseball bat.
I opted for the car wash.
What brought me to this point was waking up to no wi-fi and no email. Both died over night – completely unrelated to each other!
I realized I had missed my GoDaddy deadline to renew my Outlook email account. Unlfortunately I had trusted their reminder that I had another week. Apparently not true and they stopped my emails.
The wi-fi decided on its own accord to stop working. Comcast and I restarted it with a new password.
But wait, there’s more: my CrashPlan cloud backup hadn’t been working and after contact with the help desk and many many many attempts at uninstalls and re-installs it still wasn’t working when everything else stopped that dreadful morning.
I was of course already feeling incredibly isolated from the world while sheltering in place since
mid-March. The thought of NO contact from my computer was more than I could bear.
And I completely lost it.
Bleary-eyed and Exhausted
My work with therapy clients these days focuses on helping to navigate fears and uncertainties. This means long, blurry-eyed hours at the computer because we are seeing everyone remotely now.
I really miss the energy that used to be in the room when we were working face-to- face.
And seeing couples and families online takes a heap of concentration. I actually had been mostly using my iphone for these sessions while my laptop had been in and out of the shop for repair for two weeks.
Every colleague I talk to describes being absolutely exhausted at the end of each day.
Seems like every week on my list-serves there are announcements of new support groups forming for therapists!
You might say these changes have been taking a toll on us therapists.
For many decades as a Social Worker and as a therapist in private practice I’ve helped clients meet their challenges of extreme stress, anxiety and depression. Over the years I’ve offered some guidance and ideas on dealing. And together we would conjure up ways for calming the stress and releasing pent up energy.
And yes, I have in fact many times suggested the screaming-in-the-car-wash idea.
Here are a few that might be useful during the anxieties and constraints of the pandemic.
Ways for Calming Stress and Releasing Pent Up Energy
Putting words to it – writing thoughts down and reading it to yourself out loud. Yes, out loud makes it more powerful –– try it!
I've started doing yoga again via weekly Zoom instruction . . . and I love it. I'm reminded to do the alternate nostril breathing I learned many years ago. I'd forgotten how calming it can be!
Create a daily routine that involves movement, and when possible, exposure to natural light.
Physical exercise is great – running, hiking, online exercise videos or Zoom classes and even dancing around the room. Have you tried taking a walk and breathing in the surrounding colors?
What about picking up some take-out including little treats and picnicking in a park, or a friend's garden, where you can stay a safe distance and enjoy in the air and sunshine.
Staying connected during this isolating time helps a lot. Think about a person who connection feels important. Ask yourself exactly how you know you were feeling connected to that person. What would work best for you . . . and for them?
https://store.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/d7/priv/sma14-4893.pdf
A few months ago I blogged about Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space
and there are a few ideas there as well.
So there are quite a few self-care options to choose from.Try Googling 'self-care during the pandemic.'
And on that morning I was so upset, I chose screaming in the car wash. It felt terrific!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
May 31, 2020
Outbursts of Outrage – Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / PixelsAway
These are scary times for sure. Here we are, surrounded by contagion, illness and death. So many are losing their jobs or their businesses and their health insurance too. Safety and security are becoming non-existent for many of us.
And then comes the horrific death of George Floyd when a Minneapolis policeman held a knee to his throat for 8 minutes while three other officers stood by, watching him plead, "I can't breathe."
Fox newscasters describe it this way:
The “egregious”’torture of George Floyd ––Geraldo Rivera
“I can’t find a way to justify it.” ––Rush Limbaugh
“This man who put his knee on the neck of George Floyd does not deserve to be free in this country.” ––Jeanine Pirro
And now many are taking to the streets in city after city: protesting this needless death. And sometimes peaceful protests erupt into riots and looting and spray painting graffiti on some buildings and torching others.
Sometimes protests lead to arrests and brutality and injuries . . . and deaths.
I just received an email from David Libby a long-time acquaintance, reaching out to try to figure out how we can stop people from hating.
Hi Elayne,
How we can stop people from hating!
I'm not African American, but one day when I was working with an African American he pulled me aside and told me someone we know is an @sshole because he is a Jew.
What? How does a person whose race has been hated upon be hateful?
I grew up in a hateful house - so hateful that I used to call my Dad and Mom, "Archie and Edith" - one of the very few times my Dad would wholeheartedly yell at me to stop.
Even more surprising, I didn't grow up to be hateful, I don't think. Though, I do hate racist people. Hate is probably even too strong or the wrong word. I don't like how they were taught to think. That's it, right? We're not born racists, are we? It is learned. I don't know.
I'm so surprised that so many of my white friends are saying on social media that #BlackLivesMatter but none of my black friends are. And, with all of the time people are taking to write what they think, hardly anyone is writing saying what they are doing to help African Americans, if there is anything they can do, which I don't know.
David
I’ve been asking myself some of the same questions. Where do these kinds of hateful ideas and words come from?
Are they based on the Archie and Edith examples that David describes?
I’ve heard from many colleagues, friends and clients that they, too grew up with these kinds of biased, bigoted messages.
Are hateful actions by grownups based on their own childhood traumatic experiences when a parent's out-of-control anger turned into rage?
Could our own rage be learned behavior? Are we finding ourselves 'becoming' our rage-full parent?
Blog: A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin?
Are hateful actions by grownups based on their own childhood experiences of being shamed and bullied?
Does this breed the desire to do the same diminishing/scapegoating behavior to someone else –– especially to ‘the other.’
When we're feeling vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we often tend to protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and even engage in aggressive behaviors, acting out our rage. We are most likely retaliating against all the bullies from our childhood. We may want to ‘get back’ at the person or group who did the victimizing and victimize them.
Does it feel empowering to humiliate and bully others through violent, brutal acts?
Are these acts based in anger? Or is it rage? I call rage “Anger with a History.” Rage is an emotion beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, and reflects ‘now’ feelings, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past which intrude into the present situation.
And what does it take for this anger to turn into rage-filled violence?
These negative events collect in our memory. Before we know it, we are overreacting and feeling out-of-control.
Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.
Might fear be the under-belly of it all?
Is it fear that is leading to these blatant acts of demonstrating power by torching buildings and smashing glass. Actually when I think of the sound of glass being smashed, it has the ring of a powerful act.
More about Fear, Anger and Outrage
I wonder if it is Fear . . . or is it Anger which leads to systemic racism including all variations of bigotry. Is it Fear or Anger which contributes more to suspicions of 'the other' and leads to discrimination, inequality and injustice? And brutality as well?
And on a personal note: As each new report of rage in the streets appears on the news, some vivid memories and the fear associated with them creep in and viscerally take over:
I did experience hate in my childhood – my D.C. row house next door neighbors used to spit on our porch, while spitting out the words, “Dirty Jews!”
How sad and confusing for me – Marian the little girl next door was my regular playmate. We spent hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to "While strolling through the park one day . . . ."
Marion taught me the words to
"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
My bambino kook-a la goombah
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
my bambino go to sleep!"
And I've never forgotten them.
I remember the day we took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.
All of these deservedly pleasant memories were tarnished each time her parents spit at us acting like they hated us or when the teen age son Johnny blocked me in the alley and threatened me.
What a frightening take-away message: I couldn't trust people because they might hurt me.
Because I know first-hand how the act of threatening someone can lead to far-reaching damage to our sense of safety and security, it is particularly disturbing to read how these messages that it is OK to threaten or do harm are repeatedly coming out of the White House. The Washington Post describes how “Musing about this kind of thing is a great way to plant a seed in certain people’s minds, and the fact that Trump keeps fertilizing that seed shouldn’t escape notice.”
The Post lists some recent ‘seeding:’
After the tragedy in Charlottesville in 2017, Trump retweeted and then deleted a video depicting a train running over a CNN reporter.
In 2019 at a rally, Trump asked what could be done about immigrants crossing the border illegally, to which one rally-goer responded, “Shoot them.” Trump replied, “That’s only in the Panhandle can you get away with that statement.”
Recently a few minutes apart on the same day:
At 12 a.m.last week President Trump retweeted a video in which a supporter says, “The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat.”
At 12:53 a.m. he followed this up by referring to protests in Minneapolis and saying, “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.”
The most sickening to me was when our president threatened what would happen if protesters tried to breech the White House fence: “they would have been greeted with the most vicious dogs, and most ominous weapons, I have ever seen. That’s when people would have been really badly hurt, at least.” –NBC
Wow. Old memories came flooding back of 1963 of Birmingham Police Commissioner Bull Conner using fire-hoses and attack dogs against peaceful demonstrators – including children. I wasn't far away, attending the University of Alabama during those really scary times.
I’ve been blogging about the often dangerous and deadly effects of permission-giving for quite a while:
–– Giving Permission – a Double Edged Sword
Fox News Geraldo Rivera states, “What is this, 6th grade?” he went on. “You don’t put gasoline on the fire. That’s not calming anybody. Who are you daring?”
Rivera continued that he “laments” the “recklessness of (the president’s) tempestuous nature when it comes to Twitter.”
Unfortunately some folks misinterpret these presidential ideas as 'invitations' or 'directives' which too often give the permission to act in hot-headed, out-of-control, irresponsible, and brutal ways.
I see anger and rage and hate as the overlay of this kind of behavior.
Where did we learn this hatred? How can we choose to make a change?
And how do we explain that anger and rage and hatred are OK and even encouraged for some groups in some contexts . . . and not for others.
I’m writing to reach out to you for your thoughts on anger, rage, hatred and systemic racism. And what are your ideas regarding giving permission for violent behavior –– for some groups in some situations?
I’d love to hear your thoughts . . .
Many thanks to my brother, Lee Raskin, for his useful ideas . . . and for helping me to think this through!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
April 30, 2020
Honoring Grief and Making Losses Real
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / cuteimage
When I blogged about Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space last month, some of you asked to know more about loss.
Over the last month I’ve had dozens of new conversations with therapy and coaching clients about how early losses and fears are affecting how they are coping with the present day anxiety of the coronavirus pandemic.
I’m especially aware how each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long forgotten, they can pack a wallop, bringing back strong emotions and body sensations, in a PTSD-kind-of-way.
Loss of security
Loss of health and vitality
Loss of professional identity
Loss of a job or position
Loss of respect
Loss of recognition or promotions
Loss of loved ones, pets, friends, co-workers
Loss of support
Loss of contact and connection
Loss of self-esteem and losing face
Loss of expectations and illusions and dreams
And each of my disappointments is a loss as well.
It helps me in times of loss to remind myself that losses sometimes force me to see things through a different perspective. And this terrible crisis has produced some opportunities to learn something new about life –– when I choose to.
“….we are shedding bits and pieces of ourselves as we shape and reshape our lives, our futures, and ourselves. Like a snake which must shed its skin in order to grow, or a bird that must first molt to make room for its new stronger feathers in order to fly, we must let go of parts of ourselves, our identity, our sense of security, and those we love, in order to grow and flourish.”
–– From loveandlightfromhealingcreek.blogspot.com/2006/06/necessary-losses.html describing Judith Viorst's Necessary Losses
All too often experiencing losses seems surreal –– especially sudden losses when we don't have time to adjust. And the onset of suffering and death from the coronavirus and covid-19 has surely seemed sudden.
Grief is a response to any kind of loss and I’ve learned from many years of struggling with losses, how important it is to grieve each one of them.
In Order to Grieve, We Must Make the Loss Real
I’ve learned about the importance of making the loss real in order to be able to fully grieve and move forward.
In order to make the plane crash real, I knew I had to spend some time on a DC-3.
There are many ways to make losses real:
- Writing out the story of the loss and disappointment and reading this out loud to yourself or to someone else makes the loss real.
- Creating a ritual.
Burning memorial candles. Lighting long-burning votive candles. I really like the Jewish Memorial candles that come in small glasses and burn for 24 hours.
- A virtual play-doh sculpting party. (Homemade recipe below!)
Form the play-doh into how you feel when the loss or disappointment comes. Then sculpt it into a somewhat different form—more positive appearing—reframing the meaning. For example, choosing to see something using a creative ‘opening up’ outlook rather than a ‘closing up or roadblock’ and making a shape to display that new perspectuve,
https://www.iheartnaptime.net/play-dough-recipe/
- Making collages from magazine ads and photos that symbolize the loss or disappointment, then making a second collage and choosing to capture a different point of view.
Let’s Put Our Losses in Perspective
- Give a voice to your feelings.
- Give yourself permission to be sad or disappointed or angry.
- Remind yourself that this present loss is being influenced and affected by all of your past losses no matter how small they may seem.
- Try to acknowledge and speak to and calm the fears of that part of you that is the most upset—that scared child part of you that asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
- Can you visualize a container in which to keep your fears of loss and abandonment? What does it look like?
- Find some creative ways to make your losses real and to grieve them.
- Let the part of you that knows how to deal with these setbacks lead the way for the part of you that is confused and floundering.
- I encourage clients to ‘walk alongside themselves, noticing and naming’ their thoughts and their feelings. This practice allows them to recognize that they do have choices in their responses.
When we are able to make a choice about how we perceive these disappointments and s we may not feel so trapped. Having options means allowing the flexibility to change the way we think about something. So why not make a choice to make a change in how we think about loss and disappointment? Why not sculpt it into a somewhat different form — reframing the meaning.
By "naming" and "noticing" you can create some objectivity and open up your awareness to reshaping and rethinking the situation. and make choices about how you want to react to and deal with the situation. It’s easier to change something that we clearly see and understand.
Renewed Trauma and PTSD
There’s another aspect of loss that I want to give some attention to.
For many of us experiencing loss can create fears of abandonment. It brings up emotional and body memories of past traumatic experiences.
“Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel the full range of emotions and experiences.”
https://integratedlistening.com/what-is-trauma/
Trauma can be whatever event is traumatic to an individual in the moment. For some of us it may involve being teased or shamed or belittled by a mean-spirited parent or teacher or older sibling or cousin. Or being yelled at by an enraged out-of-control parent. For others it may involve being pushed or hit. And for some of us it might be being accosted by sexual innuendos or sexual assault. Each of us has different ways of processing inappropriate behaviors and each of us has our own brand of resilience which affects how we react to future trauma.
In previous blogs I’ve focused on how during a traumatic event the stress hormones come into play. Adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are activated by the amygdala and result in fight, flight or freeze reactions.
These central (survival) details are imprinted, encoded and put into life-long storage in the neural pathway. Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD –– with renewed spurts of the stress hormones during a new experience, often repeating over the course of our lives Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.
According to neuroscience the human brain processes, files and stores memories that are linked to strong emotions.
The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens the information your five senses take in.
Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping and the hippocampus is the brain’s memory filing system.
When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and upon reflection it turns out to be some kind of stored memory.
We tend to remember the essential, central, survival details, and the brain’s filing system – the hippocampus, filters out the peripheral details.
In my work as a Child Protective Services Social Worker, trainer of therapists, and practicing psychotherapist I focus on childhood and adult trauma. I have often encountered the complex workings of the brain in processing traumatic events. And I know this from personal experiences as well.
It can be immensely upsetting when seemingly out of nowhere there is an unexpected return of the kind of anxiety, which had been experienced during the original event.
When emotional and body reactions seem to pop up from seemingly unrelated occurrences, it can be It can be disconcerting, confusing, frightening and overwhelming. We find ourselves back in the fight, flight or freeze mode and those stress hormones kick in again, causing similar anxiety to the original traumatic experience. The fear and dread and uncertainty of this pandemic are triggering some very old traumatic experiences in many of us. And anxiety runs high.
A woman I know describes how "The tornado hits and I'm Dorothy."
Fortunately there are ways to deal with these memory intrusions:
I’m a big believer in identifying and putting words to the messages we take in from the original trauma – having to do how we view our world, the safety of our world and trust of the people in it.
And I’m a fan of using ways to reprogram the neural pathways: Neuroplasticity, EMDR, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), and Brain Spotting are not therapy, but they provide additional tools.
More about Grief and Loss:
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/grief/
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/loss/
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_photos.htm
Hoping this provides some understanding of all the levels of distress this pandemic has been causing for so many of us .
If you have questions or more to add, contact me at [email protected] or on my blog site under ‘comments’
www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Stay safe and as comfortable as you possibly can . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
March 31, 2020
Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I live in the Bay Area where for over two weeks basic isolation has been mandated and all non-essential businesses are closed down. Streets and side-walks are eerily pretty empty. The six foot rule exists everywhere. And lockdown has just been extended another month.
Changes can be so difficult. Especially sudden ones when we are not prepared. And the not knowing can feel intolerable.
The uncertainty is unsettling and scary. The upheaval of our regular routines leaves far too much unfilled space. We are suddenly finding ourselves with so much space around us, facing way too much time alone.
When everything collapsed, we are find ourselves without the structure we are used to, without the routines we normally have. Let’s take a look at how we can create new structure, new routines, new ways of taking steps to make things seem more manageable and new ways of filling space.
But first let’s take a moment to think about what it is about empty space that it makes us feel so uneasy?
Horror Vacui _ The Fear of Empty Space
Indications of this fear of emptiness and open space have been with us throughout the ages. There is even a term for it: horror vacui, the fear of the void.
For example, consider Early Minoan art (from 1600 B.C.) or Greek art (from 500 B.C.), which exhibited great attention to detail. Vase painters started with simple designs and filled in more and more decoration, until all available space was used up—even to the point of saturation.
There was a kind of superstition connected to it, a way of keeping the unknown out.
There are other examples of this fear of empty space. Stylistically complex and overly elaborate baroque art is an example of this fear of bare surfaces and empty spaces. Cuban novelist Alejo Carpentier describes baroque as an art that moves from the center to the outskirts, transgressing its own margins in the process, leaving no open spaces. And Cuban poet and essayist José Lezama Lima describes baroque as the desperate overflow of the dispossessed.
(Excerpt from Breathing Room–Creating Space to Be a Couple)
So when our routine changes dramatically we are left without familiar structure and there is a void. A huge empty space.
Maybe you got up, got dressed and went to work. Maybe you didn’t have to leave the house everyday. You had your daily routine and it provided security, structure and order in your life.
One of the best examples I know from my observations of friends, family and clients, is the shift that goes on every summer for instructors, teachers, and other school personnel. There is the end-of-the-year whirlwind and then summer starts, and their normal routine disappears. This transition leaves lots of unstructured time, necessitating “shifting gears” in order to fill the space.
Often they find too much time on their hands. I have seen the space fill with stress, and anxiety and way too much over-thinking.
This is true as well for any of us putting lots of hours and huge amounts of energy into a demanding project and then it ends and we are left with a big empty space.
I've been reminding my clients (and myself!) that this void represents a huge loss of how things used to be. And I've been reminding clients (and myself!) how important it is to allow the space to grieve this loss.
And there is another layer here – clients and I are focusing on weaving together responses to the pandemic with past experiences of loss and fears of loss.
You, too, may be noticing how new losses tend to bring up the pain of past losses. Loss can take so many colorations: Loss of a job or relationship can lead to Loss of Identity, Loss of Self-worth, Loss of Respect, Loss of Well-being, Loss of Trust, Loss of Security, Loss of a Dream.
As I've blogged many times before, reaching out and connecting to others as a way of communal grieving can be comforting.
Much more about Loss: What's Going to Happen to Me?
A Plaintive Cry from Josie Therapy Cat: “Where Did All My Peeps Go?"
Working remotely is not new to me, I’ve been offering teletherapy and consulting for years. I’m presently working the same number of face-to-face hours as before, even seeing couples and small family groups online. And I really miss the energy clients would bring into my office.
Over the years, especially when I was building my private practice and didn’t have very many clients at first, I learned to deal with empty time by scheduling all kinds of stuff to fill up my calendar: ‘Wash hair,’ ‘take a walk, ’make a ‘to-do list.’
So I’m giving this a try again – especially on the days I feel the most isolated. It gives me a bit of much-needed structure. It helps establish a routine.
Actually I've been teased about being a list-maker my whole life. I just knew I needed to make lists in order to get through my day.
Then two years ago I found out it is most likely due to my ADHD. Oh, that explains it! And now my old skill is coming in handy so that I can take care of grocery shopping in one trip by carefully making lists. And it gives me something to fill time and space with!
When your routine is changed, and days are no longer predictable and familiar, it can really throw you off balance. When you are feeling especially anxious, you might find yourself trying so hard to control your environment that the people around you might feel controlled by you as well.
Remind Yourself You Do Have Choices
In fact, now with so much safety consciousness we find ourselves making new choices every day: you can choose to wash your hands or wash fruits and vegetables for 20 seconds – (or maybe even 30!), you can choose to stand 6 feet apart (or maybe even 6 ½) in that waiting-to-get-into the store line or in the checkout line, you can choose how strict you are regarding self-isolation rules, you can choose to eat comforting and nourishing food.
Perhaps you can choose to go outside to sit for a while or choose to walk in nature.
You can choose to exercise even in a chair, From the Joe Goode Performance Group: “We're reaching out to connect during this time apart. Our JGPG company members Damara + Molly share a short, seated movement sequence to do at home” gentle movement for our homebodies.
You can choose to counter the feeling of isolation by reaching out to neighbors and friends and family by a text or phone call or email to touch base, to check in, to tell them you are thinking of them and to see how they are doing.
What about planning a virtual weekly tea time or cocktail hour online using FaceTime, or Skype or Zoom?
And my 12 year old granddaughter got to attend a virtual slumber party with her friends.
I even heard about a virtual medical-mask-making gathering where participants put together cotton or flannel fabric pieces then stitched them making much-needed masks for local hospitals.
Here are some YouTube tutorials on how to prepare the medical masks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgHrnS6n4iA
One thing I'm realizing I miss most is being able to look forward to attending a planned event. Now that all events are cancelled here, I find I can look forward to a virtual event with people I know.
There has been a community effort to order curbside or delivery from favorite restaurants to help them stay in business. Lots of folks offering to shop for seniors in need, exchanging information about which stores are sanitizing cart and basket handles, which stores have toilet paper and paper towels in stock, and even offering rolls of toilet paper if someone posts a need!
Charles Eisenstein in The Coronation describes the power of common cause and collective will:
“Covid-19 is showing us that when humanity is united in common cause, phenomenally rapid change is possible.….In coherency, humanity’s creative powers are boundless. A few months ago, a proposal to halt commercial air travel would have seemed preposterous. Likewise for the radical changes we are making in our social behavior, economy, and the role of government in our lives. Covid demonstrates the power of our collective will when we agree on what is important. What else might we achieve, in coherency? What do we want to achieve, and what world shall we create? That is always the next question when anyone awakens to their power”
https://charleseisenstein.org/essays/the-coronation/
I’m realizing how complacent I’ve been about so many things. I’m learning there is more than one way to see things and do things . . . and surely to appreciate things.
This an unprecedented and challenging time for all of us.
I hope that each of you are finding ways to safely navigate this journey.
I want to acknowledge Odilia Galván Rodríguez for making this blog come alive by contributing quotes from Sarah Crowell, Sister Dang Nghiem and Charles Eisenstein.Thanks Odilia!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 27, 2020
Gangsta-Speak From the White House
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / Guingm
"Get rid of her"
"Take her out"
President Trump’s words were captured on tape demanding the removal of Ukraine Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.
"Get rid of her! Get her out tomorrow. I don't care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. OK? Do it."
"Get rid of her"
"Take her out"
Sure sounds to me like when gangsters order a 'hit.'
In a phone conversation, President Trump told President Zelensky that Ambassador Yovanovitch was “bad news” and was "going to go through some things."
Then, by a call from the director general of the State Department's foreign service, the ambassador was suddenly recalled to Washington:
"This is about your security. You need to come home immediately. You need to come home on the next plane.”
It seems to me this sounds strikingly familiar to President Trump’s recent gangster-speak tweet :
“Shifty Adam Schiff is a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man. He has not paid the price, yet, for what he has done to our Country.”
Could “not paid the price yet” be considered a threat to security in the same way as "going to go through some things” turned out to be?
The pattern seems to be the President's way of lashing out and threatening personal security when he feels personally attacked or betrayed.
Scary Talk Brings Up Scary Memories
The sound of these words makes me cringe. These sinister comments bring up a memory for me that I try to keep hidden away.
Maybe my experience is why I'm super sensitive to mob-talk about killing someone.
Once I heard a similar directive given, and it was very scary. I can never forget that day.
I was sitting with someone I know well and overheard him using these kinds of words in a phone call.
As we were chatting his phone rang. "I'm sorry, I have to take this call — it's business” he apologized.
He listened intently and asked a few questions. Then his tone grew steely: "Well — off him!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So in my naive, rationalizing and protective universe I convinced myself he must have been joking around.
Only later did I connect the dots: Oh, I get it. This is Mob talk! "Off him" = "Take him out."
And more dots: His business happened to be gambling.
OMG. I had just witnessed an order to kill someone. It was chilling!
I guess I pushed this memory into the recesses of my mind because I honestly was not able to deal with such a frightening thought.
Once in a while something will remind me, and I try to push it away again.
Yesterday I came face to face with the memory when I heard the recording of our president's directive to remove Ambassador Yovanovitch:
"Get rid of her"
"Take her out."
I couldn’t escape it this time. These gangster-laced words brought all the yucky feelings of that day back to me.
The day I overheard someone order a murder.
The day I was filled with fear.
The day I needed a hot shower to wash away how befouled I felt.
Writing about this helps a little. Thanks for listening . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
The contents of the tape regarding Ambassador Yovanovitch were first reported by ABC.
You can listen to the entire tape here. The dialogue I described above starts at the 39 minute mark.
By the way, President Trump’s tweet describing Adam Schiff as “a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man“ could be considered an very good example of the psychological projection that he so often displays
I often blog about projection. Here is a description:
– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.
Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 31, 2019
Please Don’t Say “Get Over It”
By Elayne Savage,PhD
CanStock: by 72soul
“GET OVER IT," says White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. regarding the phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President Zelensky.
And I cringed.These are hurtful words for me to hear. You see, I have a cringe-worthy history with that phrase.
My contentious relationship with ‘Get over it” began when I was 12 years old and well-wishers and do-gooders hugged me and hugged me and hugged me after the joint funeral for my mother and grandmother. They said things like “Tuck your feelings away - try to get over it.”
Well, no. It doesn’t quite work that way. That early trauma has continued to affect many of my personal and professional interactions. Losing them suddenly in a plane crash taught me it it’s safer to hold back on loving someone - they might leave or die.
And it’s not just me: I often hear stories about the effects from ‘Get over it” from my therapy clients. Maybe it was a breakup, maybe a job loss, maybe a death, maybe inappropriate behavior by a family member.
It is especially painful after they have mustered the courage to talk about an early painful event. And some clients describe feeling inadequate and ashamed that they can’t push away effects of their early trauma.
And yes, I have even heard stories about psychotherapists or psychiatrists or doctors who have given the same advice: “Just try to get over it!” maybe wanting to be helpful and not realizing how hurtful these words it can be.
There is a certain sarcasm when someone says, “Get over it.” It so easily translates to “Deal with it” or “Stop living in the past” or “Why can’t you just move on.”
I’ve come to understand what a big difference there is between the dismissive “get over it” and the empowering choice of moving forward.
Feeling Unsupported By a Friend Felt Like Betrayal
Following the shock of 9/11 I wrote a piece titled ‘What’s Going to Happen to Me?’ relating how these crashing planes caused so many deaths and remembering my own shock and trauma when my mother and grandmother died in a DC-3 plane crash when I was a child.
Back then I didn’t talk about how painful my loss was, And in this piece, because I described such personal feelings and fears, I felt I I didn’t have enough objectivity about my. writing. So I asked a few close friends to read it and give me feedback.
The consensus was that my story could be comforting to others - especially because I acknowledged my own fears and struggles.
Then I made the mistake of sharing this with a good friend, also a writer.
He knew about my experience of being discouraged in my family to talk about the crash or ask questions. He knew how decades later I sought answers and even sent away for reports and photos of the crash site. I was trying to piece it all together. And I was finally allowing a long-delayed healing process begin.
But it's slow going.
Each time a plane goes down, it feels like my mother's plane crashes again. And that special place in my heart aches.
My friend knew about all this, yet when he read the draft he responded “Get over it.”
I was shocked and hurt to my core. I knew I could not continue to be his friend.
Recently I shared a bit of my experience of the crash with a relatively new friend. He asked if I might be letting that experience define me. That was hard to hear and digest, but he is absolutely right!
Thinking about it this way allows me to create a way to balance some of the negative effects of that early trauma.
Telling he story of the crash leading to my journey in developing resilience has become one of my favorite keynote speeches.
And I like to think of getting paid well to do this is my little joke on the world!
———————————————————
So I began writing this a week ago, the day Mick Mulvaney made his crack about “Get over it.” Then I got derailed by the mandated electrical blackouts here due to the fires and high winds. This is basically a first draft and probably can use some editing!
I had no land line,cell phone, no wifi, no email, and for a while, no texting ability,. What an isolating and scary feeling that was! No way to make or receive contact or charge devices unless I drove to another location.
I want to share with you the story of an offer by a neighbor around the corner when none of us had electricity.
Turns out somehow his house had power and he posted on NextDoor the neighborhood listserve: “If anyone needs to charge up their phones or electronics we have power. There's a power strip out down the driveway. Just remember to bring your own charger.” His thoughtfulness did a lot to offset a couple of pretty miserable days.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
November 28, 2018
Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member
by Elayne Savage, PhD
November 18 was the 40th anniversary of the Peoples Temple Jonestown tragedy. It brings up personal memories for me. Here's why . . .
© Can Stock Photo / RuslanGaliullin
"Help me, please help me. I’m on a pay phone.”
I’ll never forget the desperate phone call I received at my desk. Her voice was begging, saying only that her group would be leaving San Francisco immediately.
And then the call disconnected.
I felt so helpless. What ended the call? Did she have a change of heart about reaching out? Did someone grab the phone or force her to hang up? “Leaving immediately?” I had no idea what she was talking about.
I knew she was a member of Peoples Temple. As a San Francisco Social Worker I had met her once briefly many months before. She must have saved my contact information. When she called I almost didn’t recognize her name. Ever since that call I’ve never forgotten it. It’s been over 40 years and I can still hear the sound of the panic in her voice.
“Help me, please help me.”
And I couldn't help her. Like many social workers I grew up being the 'helper' in my family and when the phone disconnected I felt totally helpless.
Even though I had met her only that one time I can still picture her. The face and voice have haunted me all these years, although I have to admit as time passed I began to question whether I was actually remembering her name correctly.
As San Francisco social workers we had frequent contact with Peoples Temple. We respected their inclusion and diversity, how they provided health care and community services to the elderly and even established foster care to at-risk youth. They were a reliable resource for food or blankets or clothing when our clients were in need.
So it wasn’t long before we were hearing rumors that hundreds of devotees suddenly left San Francisco for the People's Temple Agricultural Project in the South American jungles of Guyana. That must have been her destination the day she called me in such a panic.
The jungle area was renamed ‘Jonestown’ and compounds were build to house the almost 1000 Temple members and their friends, families and extended families. Most likely many went excitedly and willingly with the promise of this utopian society, but clearly the woman who called me that day from a pay phone did not want to go.
Just over a year later more than 900 devotees living in the Jonestown compound were convinced by their leader, Reverend Jim Jones, to drink a fruit drink laced with cyanide in a mass murder/suicide. That was 40 years ago, November 18, 1978.
As you can probably guess, the story of Jonestown and its people has fascinated me ever since that phone call and I just learned of an online resource I hadn’t known about. Formally titled Alternative Considerations of Jonestown and Peoples Temple and known as the Jonestown Institute this site lists names, photos, personal information, journals, transcripts of recordings and testimonials and memorials for those who died there. Each person has their own page!
So I took a deep breath and looked up the name I think I’m remembering, half expecting to not find it in the list.
And there it was –– a photo of the face I’ve had etched in my mind these many years. The note on her page says she was 28 years old when she died in the mass murder on November 18. She had arrived in Guyana in early August 1977. That must have been right after the day she so desperately reached out to me.
Soon I’ll be driving the few miles to Oakland to visit Evergreen Cemetery where there is a mass grave for over 400 unidentified and unclaimed Jonestown dead – mostly children.
 |
Although she is most likely not buried in the mass grave, her name is among the 918 engraved on one of the four granite plaques covering the burial site.
It is comforting knowing there is a granite plaque with her name engraved –– and that I was remembering her name correctly all these years when I thought of her. In this sacred space maybe my feelings of helplessness will soften a bit.
Alternative Considerations of Jonestown and Peoples Temple – Jonestown Institute https://jonestown.sdsu.edu/
More about Peoples Temple and its devotees:
https://www.chron.com/news/article/Before-the-tragedy-at-Jonestown-the-people-of-13397980.php
‘A Temple Members Odyssey’: https://jonestown.sdsu.edu/?page_id=16984
The Jonestown Institute website was compiled over the last 20 years by Fielding McGehee and Rebecca Moore whose two sisters died in Jonestown. I’m grateful to them for showing how to use this amazing resource and for validating my feeling of connection to the people of Peoples Temple.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 30, 2018
Needing to Feel Safe Amid Hate-filled/Fear-driven/Revenge-generated Horrors
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Canstock.com
The barrage of atrocities are shattering my illusions of safe places and sense of security.
In my travels I have always reassured myself that no matter where I was in the world, if I felt in danger I could seek out a consulate to protect me and keep me safe.
This trust evaporated when Jamal Khashoggi was murdered by 15 men in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.
I was stunned. How could this have happened to a Saudi citizen inside a Saudi consulate?
We know that Khashoggi, a Washington Post journalist critical of the Saudi rulers, was once a trusted member of the inner circle. Did the Saudi monarchy feel threatened by his columns and rumored exposés?
Or were they reacting to his perceived disloyalty and betrayal? Is this why he was ordered killed in the consulate?
I had so many unsettling feelings that I needed to sort through. It helps for me to put words to my feelings, so I started writing. That was two weeks ago.
And then the news came about how over a dozen pipe bombs were mailed to homes and offices of vocal people whose words or ideas were somehow considered a threat. The idea of bombs traveling through the mail to people’s homes and offices is frightening to me. What a terrible way to be living – with so much fear and feeling so vulnerable.
This has been so unnerving. I need to know that the mailing of pipe bombs has stopped. Now we are learning that there may have been over 100 more potential targets on his list.
The last few weeks clients and colleagues have been wanting to talk about how all this is triggering their own security experiences growing up and their own feelings of vulnerability.
And then over the weekend we heard the crushing news of the mass killings at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh. In this largest anti-Semitic attack in American history, 11 worshipers were killed and 7 injured including four law enforcement officers.
Learning that this Squirrel Hill community was actually Mr. Roger’s real-life neighborhood makes me even more sad.
A Massacre in the Heart of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
Most of us grew up trusting that houses of worship are sacred, safe places. That they provide comfort, peace and security. Yet in the last few years there have been so many mass killings in churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna817786
On a personal note: Accounts of Anti-Semitism bring back scary memories of my childhood. When I was about 6 years old and living in a row house in DC, Marian the girl next door was my best friend and playmate, yet her parents often would lean over the row house railing, call us “Dirty Jews” as they spit on our front porch. Sometimes my friend’s older brother would accost me in the ally and threaten to beat me up because I was a “Jew Girl.”
Back then I was confused and scared by their changeable behavior. Now I understand my fear was because that behavior was actually terrorizing us – through violence, threats and intimidation.
From Dictionary.com:
Terrorism
- the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
- the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
- a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government
Terrorist
- a person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
- a person who terrorizes or frightens others.
So by definition, the Saudi Consulate revenge murder, the intimidation by pipe bombs and the hate-filled mass killing of Sabbath synagogue worshipers are all acts of domestic terrorism.
I feel the need to be more vigilant, do you too?
Early Memories of Feeling Really Scared
Many of us have at times felt unsafe in our lives.
If you’ve ever been cyber stalked or drive-by stalked or voyeur stalked or threatened or harassed or intimidated it most likely has affected you in some way. Hopefully you figured out some ways to regain a sense of safety and security.
When I was a social worker in San Francisco I learned to be ultra-vigilant. I had hoped those days of fear were over.
if I ever found myself walking along a poorly lit sidewalk past dark doorways, I learned to walk out in the open in the street alongside the parked cars. This helped me feel more safe.
One social work client used to worry about me having to walk along a row of housing units to get to hers. So she showed me how to hold my set of keys between my fingers so they become a weapon if I needed to defend myself. This helped me feel more safe.
I’m finding that all these submerged memories are returning.
Did You Have a Safe Place?
Over the years I have heard many visual, visceral descriptions from clients, readers and workshop participants about their memories of their childhood ‘safe places.’
With clients who have their personal space violated by being traumatized by abusive words or actions there seems to be a fairly common memory: Escaping to a closet, closing the door and sitting on the floor. They vividly describe the darkness, the smell of shoe leather or musty wool coats. And even as an adult when they are upset or scared they describe at times retreating into a closet.
A good friend retreated to a hole in his backyard where he could sooth himself when his world felt daunting. And to this day, if things become stressful, he talks about how in his mind he still “goes to his hole.”
One man describes retreating to the basement and his prized model train layout.
A woman I know figured out how to feel safe:
“I retreated into myself”
Me? I retreated to climbing a tree in my back yard and spending hours straddling a low branch. And I used to climb out my bedroom window to sit on the roof overhang below. It felt empowering to go to these places. Here’s a photo of my safe place. And you can also see the tree Is in the background.
Sometimes I imagine swaddling myself in a blanket, like they do so babies will feel safe and secure. It helps to imagine wrapping a white light around myself.
What was your safe place back then?
Where is your safe place now?
Is it easily accessible? How often can you go there?
How to Cope with the Stress and Fear of Terrorism
And if we have fear and anxiety over the possibility of future attacks or copy-cat attacks our stress levels can go even higher.
Years ago I referenced a guide the APA published for coping with the stress of terrorism. Today I cannot find a working link, however here are a few of the ideas:
- Talk About It
Talk with others about your fears. It's okay to admit being scared. The chances are good that others are feeling exactly as you are. If you do not have access to face-to-face support, try talking to others online. The anonymity of chats and forums may make it feel safer to talk about your feelings of vulnerability.
- Maintain Your Normal Routine
When tragedy strikes, it's very tempting to lock your doors and never come out again. This is exactly what terrorists are looking for. In the face of terrorism, it is very important that you work to keep your daily routine as normal as possible. Putting your life on hold will not prevent terrorism.
- Limit Exposure to Media Coverage
By all means, keep abreast of current events, but do not concentrate on news about terrorism to the exclusion of all else. Life still goes on.
4. Seek Professional Help If You Need It
Mental health professionals are trained to help you deal with traumatic events. There is no shame in reaching out for assistance when the stress becomes too much to bear alone
If you have children, don't forget that they are hearing everything on the news that you are and probably do not completely understand all that is happening. Take time to speak with them about their fears and reassure them that the adults in their life are doing all they can to keep them safe.
- What You Are Feeling Is Normal
Fear, anxiety, helplessness, depression and grief are all normal reactions. Changes have occurred in our world that affect us all to some degree.
- Draw Upon Your Experiences
Look to past instances when you have overcome adversity. You have survived other traumas and you will this one as well. What did you learn from past experiences that will help you cope with the current situation?
As I said above, writing help me cope with these overwhelming feelings –– and I’m also hoping these words help you understand some of your own thoughts and feelings:
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me,
‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'"
–– Fred Rogers
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
February 28, 2018
The Heartbreak of Another Mass School Shooting
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I don’t cry easily. And yet, I find myself sobbing each time one of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High survivors describes their experience of the rampage. Or when I hear one of the parents describe losing their child.
During the President’s recent “Listening Session“ when student Sam Zeif described, thinking he was going to die, making calls to his parents and brothers to say goodbye. I sobbed.
When he implored, “I want to feel safe at school” I sobbed.
When I heard Meadow Pollack’s dad Andrew lament, "I'm never gonna see my kid again. Never ever will I see my kid. She's not here. She's not here. She's at King David Cemetery. That's where I go to see my kid." I sobbed.
When Nicole Hockley, the mother of 6-year-old Dylan who was murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School with 19 other children and six staff members spoke, “You don't want to be me. No parent does." I sobbed.
I’m heartbroken to hear about the deaths and injuries from this latest school shooting. I’m also aware that with each mass massacre there is a stockpiling of fear: “How did this happen?” Will our children be safe?” “What do we tell the children? And our most primitive fear: “What’s going to happen to me?"
Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives.
Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.
Here’s how it works: According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.
The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens and files the information your five senses take in.
Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.
When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,
More about how anxiety and the stress hormones affect both children and adults:
https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-children-metaphor-put-shoes-right-beside/
Prior to this latest mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, I remember being hugely affected by three chilling massacres of students in grade school, high school and college.
One was perpetrated by an adult, the others by present or past students of each school
Cleveland Elementary School
The Cleveland Elementary Schoolyard massacre in Stockton CA occurred in 1989.
Patrick Purdy, a drifter, in spite of a long criminal history purchased an AK-47, dressed in combat gear and entered the school playground.
He killed five children and wounded 32 others before killing himself. This felt too close to home since Stockton is less than two hours away.
Columbine High School
Next I vividly remember Columbine High School, Littleton, Colorado, in 1999 where two seniors murdered 12 students and one teacher, and injuring 21. The shooting rampage lasted just under one hour.
Columbine has become a PTSD replay for me. each new school mass murder adds another layer.
My memory of the events of Columbine are not only of the nightmare of the rampage and deaths that day, but I also have returning memories of when I went on the air long into the night and into the morning for almost five hours with a Denver radio host.
Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.
Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what had just happened in their community. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And many wondered: "What will become of us?"
The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to so much fear in their voices hour after hour was too much for me. I became numb.
This experience shook me to my core. And I'm still deeply affected. Each time there is another school massacre, my reaction is visceral and I go back to that place of hearing each story of panic and fear. This feeling seems to stockpile from new episode to new episode.
Through writings of the shooters and peer reporting we learned the killings are in part the result of the rejection these two students felt from classmates. Being teased, taunted and ostracized for being 'different.' They felt there were injustices done.
A friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time to get back at the school.” A peer continues, “They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.”
Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.
He wrote about killing himself.
Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so
many fun things."
Because they felt so tormented by peers they made a plan: They armed themselves with a 9-mm semi-automatic handgun, a sawed off 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun, a carbine rifle, and a sawed off 12-gauge pump shotgun. There were a total of 188 rounds fired. There were pipe bombs and knives too.
They “got revenge” by tormenting students and teachers for almost an hour. Then they both committed suicide.
“Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear”
Virginia Tech
Then came the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007.
Seung-Hui Cho, a senior at Virginia Tech, used a 22-caliber Walther semi-automatic pistol to kill 32 people wound 17 others, in two separate attacks two hours apart. Then killed himself.
At the time, it was the deadliest shooting carried out by a single gunman in U.S. history.
Again, I gave a difficult interview for a Bay Area TV newscast aimed at helping folks understand how this killing could have happened. You can imagine how challenging this interview became as déjà vu memories of Columbine played in my head.
The newscaster handed me two plays by Seung-Hui Cho. At the time, we knew very little about the killer or about what happened. The video tapes he had sent to NBC before the killing had not yet been released. I'm always careful not to speculate when I don't have enough facts in front of me.
I did, however have his two plays in front of me, Eight pages each. I remember gasping at the grisly themes: one play described plotting with friends to kill an abusive teacher and the other about a 13 year old boy attempting to kill his sexually abusive step-father.
All too often school violence happens when someone feels repeatedly bullied, abused and ostracized by peers. Then at some point a few decide they are "just not going to take it anymore.”
Perhaps their misery is so great they contemplate killing themselves. Perhaps with their fuzzy thinking, killing others gives them reason to kill themselves. Or to let police bullets do it for them.
More on the Virginia Tech killer and Ostracism:
It’s Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being ‘Different’
Sandy Hook Elementary School
In 2012 the horror of Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut unfolded. After killing his mother, Adam Lanza grabbed three semi-automatic firearms. Then the former Sandy Hook student stormed the classrooms of 6 and 7 year olds.
Teachers ushered their students into closets and bathrooms, but 20 children and six staff members. were killed.
Then Lanza killed himself. The rampage lasted 11 minutes.
Adam Lanza was described as isolated and reclusive with an obsession about mass murders. During his days as a student at Sandy Hook he was reportedly abused and beaten so often by classmates that his mother considered filing a lawsuit. Maybe this was because he was 'different' because of his autism.
He had reportedly said he planned to kill his mother and Sandy Hook children four years before he killed them.
Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
And most recently the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida where on Valentines Day former student, Nikolas Cruz killed 17 students and teachers with an AR-15 semi automatic rifle. Fourteen more were hospitalized.
The shooting lasted 6 minutes. Cruz was arrested just over an hour later. after visiting Subway and McDonalds.
We know a little about reports of Cruz being bullied, that he was described as a ‘loner’ and that he posted on Instagram that he planned to shoot up the school. I’m wondering what else we will learn about experiences of bullying or ostracism.
As I wrote earlier, I don’t cry easily but this most recent rampage feels especially gut-wrenching. I feel such a great sadness when I hear about children dying this way. And each new happening brings new sadness that builds on all these earlier experiences of heartbreak and loss. The sense of communal sadness and grieving helps some.
Often it helps me process these kinds of overwhelming happenings by researching and writing. But the writing doesn’t stop the tears. Only stopping the killings can do that . . .
These are the students who were killed in their classrooms:
Killed at Cleveland Elementary School
Killed at Columbine High School
Killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School
Killed at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
©Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 31, 2017
Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Lots of current news stories focusing on the sexual harassment/assault/abuse cesspool. Many brave women and men coming forth with painful memories and stories they have pushed away for years.As you are most likely aware, growing lists of women and men are describing sexually inappropriate behaviors, suggestive comments, bullying, sexual harassment, sexual misconduct, sexual assault, sexual exploitation and sexual abuse.
They describe all kinds of predatory behavior: being groped, fondled, kissed, raped. And lots of stories about these men walking around naked. Many report feeling intimidated by perceived or actual threats to their careers if they say “No.”
The problem, however, is so much bigger than auditions, movie sets and casting couches . . . or the recent #MeToo stories involving journalists, and politicians.
The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the sense of entitlement that drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.
Seems to me part of the problem is these folks don't have a clue about what constitutes personal space and personal boundaries. If you don't understand what they are, how can you respect them?
Abuse of Power Exists Everywhere
I’m writing this blog to spotlight the wide-ranging problem behind the media headlines.
The problem is the imbalance and misuse of power and authority that permeates all industries and venues. There has been very little written about this abuse of power and authority and its long-term effects.
Getting back for a minute to the media’s focus on celebrities – how famous and powerful people are newly identified as Sexual Predators and Sexual Abusers. Harvey Weinstein and James Toback are surely prominent in these stories. I was amazed at how Toback’s accusers grew almost overnight from 30 to 300. And one by one the perps are being identified and called out. Some have had honors withheld, some have been fired.
#MeToo is giving men and women permission and courage to move past the shame and fear and finally tell their stories of abusive experiences and traumatic memories. Some of these memories go back as far as childhood and teen years. It takes so much courage to reach deep inside, reach past the pain and be public with these very private secrets.
The Real Problem: Imbalance and Misuse of Power and Authority
Power relationships exist in a wide range of industries and venues: with bosses, coaches, mentors, teachers, physicians and other health professionals, social workers, psychotherapists, attorneys, religious and spiritual leaders. And let’s not forget the power of bigger-than-life cult-like figures. What groups have I left out here?
(See link below toward end of the blog for descriptions of some cult-like personality features.)
Some Power Abuses are Low Visibility but High Frequency . . .
Subtle and overlooked misuses and abuses of power and control exist all around us.
Abuse of power and authority can be obvious or subtle, intended or not. It exists due to status imbalance in personal and professional relationships.
In my consulting and therapy practice, I hear stories about power relationships in the workplace as well as between couples in counseling. I hear descriptions of disrespectful, dismissive, discounting, faulting interactions. I hear about blaming and not taking responsibility for actions by making the other person ‘wrong and bad.’
In my workshops when I describe how situations can be controlling and sometimes coercive, attendees are somewhat surprised at the idea of doctors or coaches or teachers or psychotherapists having so much power. They begin to understand as I describe how students, patients and clients understandably perceive their ‘helpers’ as experts and authorities, yet they may tend to give up their own power whenever there's a need to see them as ‘all powerful.’
There have been times when it it feels like some clients unknowingly give me a lot of power. Part of my job is to stay aware and not inadvertently step into that role. This can surely be difficult for those of us who think of ourselves as ‘the helper.’
Examples would be when I offer a client a new approach to a problem or encourage re-framing a negative perception to positive or suggest the possibility of considering options and choices. I try not to tell someone what to do, yet sometimes clients seem to want advice, to be told what to do. When I notice it, this has been a fruitful topic to explore with them.
Many years ago when I was a first-year psychology graduate student, I was required to read Power in the Helping Professions by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig.
My dusty, dog-eared copy is 34 years old now. Even though some ideas are outdated, I appreciate the richness of the Jungian archetypal perspectives as a nice adjunct to my Family Systems way of thinking.
I find myself often re-reading and re-thinking these important subtle power and authority issues.
Because I’ve been in the helping professions for decades as a Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement social worker and as a psychotherapist in private practice, I am reminded every working day of the power so often bestowed upon me and the power I might be wrapping myself in whenever I define myself as ‘the helper.’
I actually see our work as rolling up our sleeves and working together in teamwork. Yet, sometimes I notice ‘the helper’ role creeping in. It’s difficult to shed; after all, it’s been my ‘job-description’ since I was a child!
This kind of power and authority imbalance is much less visible of course than the news stories of sexual power and abuse by celebrities. The trauma, however, exists in all these stories.
What if someone puts their 'helper' on a pedestal, and perhaps has unrealistic expectations of that person? What happens if the 'helper' happens to show another side of their personality and disappoints these idealistic expectation
We have been reading about the darker side of some of our favorite entertainment personalities and politicians.These discoveries of unacceptable behaviors can happen in lots of our everyday interactions and it is almost always a disappointing discovery, especially if we've elevated our 'helper' person and they come crashing down.
As I often say: disappointment often feels like rejection . . . and rejection hurts.
"It’s about getting away with something....that's exciting"
I just read a fascinating piece by Mimi Kramer on ‘The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women.’ I don’t agree with everything she says, however her personal observations are a good read:
“That, right there — I’d argue — is the impulse behind sexual harassment. It’s about getting away with something. It’s about seeming to be one sort of person.…while really being A Very Bad Boy. That’s exciting for some men. Not the being bad part. The getting-away-with-it part. It isn’t just about power over individuals, the women you victimize. It’s about power over society and the court of public opinion, the thrill of risking everything on one roll of the dice, knowing that it isn’t really all that much of a risk — because nobody will believe her.”
(See the link below)
This sure reminds me of Donald Trump's "You can do anything" boast on the Access Hollywood tape which was made public on October 7, 2016. And his reward for this ‘get-away-with-it’ attitude towards women? One month and one day later a national election propelled him into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!
Reliving the Trauma –– Memories Come Flooding Back
#MeToo has been giving many of us permission to recall and tell our stories of traumatic experiences from inappropriate power plays.
I was surprised when I, too, just revisited a creepy re-emerging memory from decades ago. I thought I had buried it because I was afraid, if I allowed myself to remember, that painful young-adult-hard-to-deal-with shame would come flooding back. And it did, of course.
This experience was with a college professor who taught a required course for my major. One day he asked me to stay a few minutes after class, and when the room was empty he said some shockingly inappropriate things to me. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. It was so confusing. I went numb and don’t remember what I did or said before I gathered the presence of mind to leave the room. I probably stood there and listened for too long, unable to protect myself from his mortifying words. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.
Back in those days it was pretty unheard of to report a professor to the Dean – I would have worried the instructor would have found a reason to flunk me.
So I just went invisible in class, never opened my mouth again to contribute and was always the first one out the door. I avoided him as much as possible from that day forward.
I began dwelling on what I might have said or done to bring on his dirty, slimy comments. Yes, I blamed myself – for years.
And these kinds of degrading experiences, large and small, stockpile in our memory bank. Many times I have walked blocks out of my way to avoid the obscene comments yelled out from construction sites.
I’ve also taken pains to avoid a co-worker who likes to tell dirty jokes or make graphic remarks. Whenever this would happen I’d remember Anita Hill’s testimony about her ex-boss Clarence Thomas when he was interviewed for the Supreme Court. He, too, was rewarded for his crude and in his in his black-robed boundary-less behavior –– and decades later he is still sitting on the bench in his black SCOTUS robes!
#MeToo stories are allowing buried memories to come back and often involves reliving the trauma. Here I am decades later vividly recalling the creepiness and humiliation of that incident with the professor. My skin crawls as I think of it. I can’t remember his name, but I can clearly see that short, squat, body stuffed into his rumpled, ill-fitting suit, his bushy eyebrows and ugly face.
Remembering it now, I still feel dirty.
An observation: I'm noticing that as accusations grow about the behaviors of these powerful celebrity folks, the media sometimes compares the ‘severity’ of one incident to another.
Trauma is trauma. We each have our unique responses and long-term repercussions. We each live with whatever fearful and self-rejecting messages the traumatic experience leads us to take in about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it.
This is especially true if, in our early years, there were inappropriate or abusive personal boundary crossings which affected our feelings of safety and trust. Each new situation might be somewhat different, however our visceral response is very recognizable.
We can expect the original fear to re-surface if we find ourselves in another unsafe moment and as we read these #MeToo stories. For some of us this can be similar to a PTSD-like experience.
Over the years clients have confided how relieved they were to finally learn a term that provides a framework for what happened to them as teens or young adults: One of the most common examples is, “Oh, now I see that was an attempted ‘date rape.’” When I was first introduced to that term it helped me as well. I can certainly relate to what that kind of fear and trauma feels like.
I can add that term to my ever-expanding list of dehumanizing experiences.
Here are the links I refer to earlier:
Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul? where I list some very Donald J. Trump-ish characteristics of cult leaders.
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2016/07/does-the-art-of-the-deal-mean-selling-your-soul.html
The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women
https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/2017/10/28/16562328/sexual-harassment-workplace-harvey-weinstein
© Elayne Savage
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
November 30, 2016
Healing and Hope – Coming Together as Community
By Elayne Savage, PhD
During Thanksgiving dinner with friends, many at the table gave thanks for being able to come together as community.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we heal by coming together.
I wrote a piece after the election about the healing power of community and the pro-active spirit the spontaneous marching brought.
Two weeks later I wrote a tribute to my almost 23 year old cat, Elizabeth, who died two days before Thanksgiving. The community responses from my Facebook post have meant a lot and are doing so much to help me heal.
I’m including versions of both pieces in case there is something useful for you here. If there is, let me know.
Most of us would agree there is a need for healing in our country. There is fear and uncertainty and insecurity . . . and depression.
Issues we personally or socially care bout are in danger, Many who craved and voted for change in government are beginning to worry their health care and retirement benefits could be tampered with or even wiped out.
Are you, too, needing healing? Have you found a way to connect with others in your community who could use a little comforting as well?
I’d love to hear how you are taking care of yourself.
. . . . . .
On the Road to Healing: Overcoming Disappointment, Anger and Resentment
As you are aware, following the election tens of thousands of marchers across the country came together. gave me hope.
I found it fascinating that many of these marchers are high school and college students. Many saying their confidence in a democracy that values human rights is eroding.
Marchers say they are speaking out because they feel discounted. Not heard. Invisible.
Hopelessness and Helplessness
My therapy clients of all ages are struggling with uncomfortable feelings coming to the surface. They are apprehensive and fearful – expressing hopelessness and helplessness about the unpredictability of what’s to come.
These feelings are well-known symptoms of depression.
As a psychotherapist I know that feeling anger can be a healthy way to combat the ‘freeze-frame’ and listlessness of depression that interferes with work and relationships.
I know being proactive counteracts powerlessness. So I work with clients to strategize how to move forward – how to feel empowered by taking one step at a time.
The key is Action. Movement. Activity.
When a client is depressed I try to schedule morning sessions, which gets them up and out of bed and to my office.
We put words to the worries and fears. We discover ways they can be more present and aware of the world around them. Taking walks and ‘breathing in the colors’ works really well.
Whether or not you support the post-election marching, these marchers intuitively knew how to take care of themselves. By marching and chanting they could reclaim their voices. By taking action they didn’t feel so disappointed or fearful or helpless and hopeless. By marching they could feel more empowered.
Disappointment Can Feel Like Rejection
Most of us have experienced disappointment in our lives and we may have been surprised and confused by the intensity of our feelings.
For many of us disappointment feels like rejection. We may even take it personally – feeling hurt, unsupported, or that it’s “just not fair.”
Where do these feelings come from? Sometimes they actually begin in our early years.
Do you remember when you were little and had your heart set on that shiny red fire truck or new puppy or that curly-haired doll?
Do you remember how disappointed and hurt you were when you didn’t get it?
Were there times you weren’t chosen for the team, or you didn’t get that award you had your heart set on? Or you didn’t get asked to the prom?
How hurt were you? My own hurt was connected to feeling not seen or heard or appreciated.
I’ve learned that unexpected disappointments remind me of the times in my childhood when I watched my hopes fizzle. I’m now aware how these little kid feelings get tangled up in my big person responses. I’m watching this happen as as I hear announcements of cabinet appointments and apparent congressional plans to erode some of the basic human rights I care deeply about.
Disappointments tend to stockpile. Each new disappointment echoes the last. When we encounter a new disappointment, our past past experiences may ignite and feelings of rejection can take over.
For some of us not feeling heard or seen can feel like a rejection of our very being. If we push these feelings down they might even grow into anger and resentment.
Resentment Can Be Toxic
Resentment takes up enormous space and restricts our ability to connect with others. If we dwell on perceived injustices it affects our ability to be productive. Resentment is a great immobilizer.
One of the best ways to curtail resentment is to create space to voice feelings
and hopes.
Coming Together as Community
The post-election wave of pro-active activity allowed folks to find their voice and speak their feelings in a validating atmosphere. They are finding ways to talk together in living rooms, public places, and social media, I’m even hearing stories about Uber passengers and their drivers offering each other consolation and hope.
Amidst all that hopelessness, hope is alive. The marchers decision to raise their voices and be heard requires hope. There is hope in their determination to be engaged in our future. There is healing and hope in coming together as community.
I find this reassuring amid all the uncertainty.
. . . . . .
Goodbye Sweet Elizabeth . . .
Almost 23 years old! And not ready to let go – until now.
You have been such a sweet and loving girl. I am very grateful for you and for all you have taught me these 18 years you have been with me.
You have been admired by many. When somehow you left the house for the first time a couple of weeks ago and wandered down to the street, someone thought you were lost and drove you to the animal emergency hospital. The staff told me a nurse there was hoping no one would claim you so she could take you home with her! You certainly had quite an adventure on your very first sleepover, and clearly you got lots and lots of attention there. But when I located you the next day, you just threw your arms around my neck.
You have won over many hearts in your almost 23 years . . .
I remember the first time I met you. I noticed your bright blue eyes right away.
I loved how you came to your cage door, gave your squeaky little meow and touched my fingers with your nose. Like you were saying, “Take me home!” And of course I did . . .
I know you finally tired of all the pill taking and hydration infusions. It was hard for me watching you not eating for days and days at a time, even thought the Reiki energy sessions helped.
I decided to post this photo of you getting your blood pressure checked last month -– with the smallest cuff ever!
I know it hasn't been easy becoming deaf and mostly blind. I so respect your spunk! And your dignity and your perseverance. You have been quite a model of graceful aging. I'm grateful for you. And I’ll really miss you.
Goodbye sweet Elizabeth . . .
© Elayne Savage, PHD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 27, 2016
Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Dixie Chicks Concert Cincinnati World Tour Kickoff June 2016
Perhaps it was Ben Carson conjuring up Lucifer during his RNC comments, but listening to Donald J. Trump’s acceptance speech I found myself jumping to images of the “Prince of Darkness.” As I watched, Lucifer became superimposed on the face of Donald Trump, much like the Dixie Chicks cartoon backdrop. Hey, maybe Dr. Carson also was thinking of the same Lucifer image!
Well, it turns out my imagery about all that darkness was also reflected by the media describing the President-elect’s 80-minute speech as “strikingly dark,” “painting America as a dark and desperate place.”
To my ears, it wasn’t just dark. It also seemed like a selling-your-soul kind of thing.
Not sure, however, exactly whose soul is on the market.
Is it the collective soul of we, the voters? What contract would we be signing? What deal would we be making?
Or is candidate Trump using smoke and mirrors to sell his own soul in order to become president of the United States?
Might this be a new chapter on negotiating and persuasion to be added to The Art of the Deal?
Does his advice on strategies include making grandiose promises with few or no specifics? Someone must have told him these promises cannot be constitutionally, legally, ethically or morally carried out –– yet he continues to make them.
Smoke and Mirrors
I’m a big fan of definition and specifics. As a couples and workplace coach and communication consultant how can I help clients overcome their roadblocks unless I know I’m crystal clear on how they perceive their situation.
Because generalities don’t work here, my questions sound something like “and what does that mean?” Or “can you give me an example?”
The difficulty with generalizations of the Donald J. Trump variety was brilliantly summed up in a letter to therapists from The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA:
Here is one of Donald Trump’s classic plans to make America great again.
“We’ll make things. The best things. The things we make will be the best.”
If you used this kind of glittering generality to create a treatment plan for a
distressed couple, it might sound like this,
“We will make a plan. The best plan. The plans we make will be the best.
This couple will be great again.”
We doubt the loosest of gatekeepers for insurance companies would accept
that kind of blather as a viable treatment plan for a struggling couple.
This was sent as a cover letter for family therapist and researcher William Doherty’s ‘Therapist Manifesto’ detailing concerns of the psychological community.
This manifesto was written and signed before the 2016 election by over 2300 mental health professionals. It's worth a read.
(Update: Seems the actual Manifesto is no longer on the web. However here are some media pieces describing the movement:)
https://www.mindingtherapy.com/manifesto-against-trumpism/
https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/10/donald-trump-2016-therapists-214333/
https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1043/clinicians-digest
Is Building Walls a Substitute for Lack of Personal Boundaries?
I keep wondering why this candidate, who seems to have extremely confused and inappropriate personal boundaries, talks incessantly about building walls along our Mexican border. Could this imagined "biggest," "strongest" wall be a substitute for his own lack of personal boundaries?
“I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won’t be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they’re over the wall, it costs us trillions. And I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall. Because Mexico is screwing us so badly. “
Fox and other media outlets quoted the Associated Press in summing up the speech: “The more than hour-long speech was strikingly dark for a celebratory event and almost entirely lacking in specific policy details. Trump shouted throughout as he read off a teleprompter, showing few flashes of humor or even a smile.”
“I Alone Can Fix It”
Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning “Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”
And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"
Moyers continues: This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.” Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.
"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html
Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons
Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.
‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase: “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.
The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country.
With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
http://bit.ly/13kMU6n
http://bit.ly/1MBDJQZ
Cult Culture
To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s.
As a child protective services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced by Jones to take part in a mass murder/suicide.
I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman, who had been a client, begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. In mid-sentence her call was disconnected. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment. I'll never forget her name -she was listed as one who died at Jonestown.
I was especially curious about the appeal of cults and characteristics of the charismatic cult leaders.
What kind of pied piper power did Jim Jones hold that they left everything and followed him to a promised utopia?
Merriam-Webster describes this pied-piper-kind-of-lure as enticing, promising and charismatic.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pied piper
“If you just come along, all will be fine, and everyone will live happily ever after in these promised utopias,” is how cult and brainwashing expert Margaret Singer characterized the lure of cults.
http://factnet.org/cults-our-midst
Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.
“The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”
http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture
50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders
Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities) lists 50 characteristics of cult leaders.
Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish.
– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to insure that he or she is being noticed by arriving late, using exotic clothing, overdramatic speech, or by making theatrical entrances.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– When criticized he tends to lash out not just with anger but with rage.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
– Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.
Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 characteristics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders
It's quite amazing how many of these have to do with reactions to perceived rejection and taking things personally. How many can you find?
So Now Let’s Explore the Goings on at The DNC
This brings us to the Democratic National Convention in Philly this week.
Do you see any similarities between the speakers/atmosphere?
Do you notice any important differences?
Let’s see how many of Navarro’s 50 characteristics show up in the DNC’s cast of characters during the week.
How many of the 50 do you recognize? Would love to hear the results of your scoring on these 50 characteristics . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
November 21, 2015
Thanksgiving Tips - Handling Your Asinine Uncle (and Other Turkeys)
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for thoughts of gratitude and appreciation.
Yet, for some of us, Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of the Season of Stress.
This year maybe more so, with world-wide terrorist attacks creating a sense of vulnerability.
And our fear seems to make us more polarized than ever. Will this increased polarization have an effect on Thanksgiving gatherings?
Politicized, Immobilized and Polarized
World-wide safety concerns are important to acknowledge. And when we’re being inundated with fear it often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. We feel afraid and vulnerable.
Where is the line between being realistic about the present world situation and excessively fueling fears?
It seems to me that much of the fueling and polarization comes from the media, politicians and presidential candidates issuing inflamed warnings and spreading fear in response to the recent terrorist attacks.
I just refreshed my understanding of various meanings of word ‘terror.’ One definition is: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase: “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”
The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country,
With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. I know this is caused by the release of stress hormones, and I’m also aware that adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine can cause increased anxiety and depression.
What a vicious cycle we bring upon ourselves!
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
(See the links below for more on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol.)
Talking to the Turkeys at the Table
Family gatherings are often a replication of what goes on in the larger context of the world – especially in politics. The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one.
Uncle John is a great example of exhibiting obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had too much to drink. That’s when his baiting and political rants are rampant. In his need to be right at any cost his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful too.
And he pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.
So how do you handle him?
- Remind yourself he’s baiting you and try not to bite.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’”
Pass the Rejection, Please
And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were little. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.
So how do you handle her?
– This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the
charge off of the situation.
– By the way, since she likes to get a charge out of you, maybe trying not to show reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it.
- Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.
– Being direct with her about, “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, i would appreciate it if you agree not to tell childhood stories.
- Instead of wanting to crawl under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walk into the bathroom and close the door while you regain your composure.
Watching the Cast of Characters in an Absurdist Play
Sometimes it helps to take a step back and remind yourself that watching your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes are surreal and maybe by creating little distance you can even find them entertaining in their weirdness.
Employing this perspective around the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally.
Opt-In to Time-Outs
Here are some effective ways to take care of yourself:
Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a ‘Time Out.’
- Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.
- One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:
In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.
At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely about them and not about you.
- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Planning a Quick Get-Away
Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more strategizing.
Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.
It’s Not About You!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.
Other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.
Reminding yourself that it’s usually not about you, can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting environments.
You might say the take away here is: Don’t Take It Personally!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
More on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol:
Bombarded by Fear and Anxiety - How to Cope
Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear
Building Resilience/Managing Terror
Do you have a story to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them?
Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
May 29, 2015
Josh Duggar - Family Secrets and the Culture of Silence
By Elayne Savage PhD
Part of me wants the sensationalized part of the drama of Josh Duggar and the 19 Kids and Counting show to just go away. You’ve heard by now how 14 year old Josh Duggar repeatedly sexually molested five underage girls — some of whom were his sisters.
And yet, a part of me wants to see the story stay around long enough to bring attention to the downplayed and ignored aspects. I’m talking about the secrecy, silence, denial and most especially the failure of the parents to protect their young daughters by allowing the abuse to continue.
In this situation, it wasn't just a couple of children "playing doctor." And it did not go away – the nocturnal abuses on the daughters who where sleeping in the same room continued.
The Duggar family story gives us the opportunity to highlight two often overlooked problems: Juvenile-on-Juvenile molestations which account for over one third of child sexual abuse and the need for parents to be alert to what goes on in their household and protect their children.
Failure of Parents to Protect their Children
Josh’s nighttime inappropriate touching continued for at least a year after it was ‘discovered.’ Could his predatory behavior have continued for even longer?
I read where one of the sisters is still a minor. If this is true, doing some calculations she would have been 4 or 5 years old when he sexually molested her 13 years ago. The next oldest sister would have been about 8 at the time.
Wouldn't you say there is something very wrong about a 14 year old repeatedly initiating non-consensual fondling of minors as much as 10 years younger.
The Duggar parents say they first became aware that Josh’ was molesting the girls in March 2002. I find myself wondering how long the abuse had already been going on. And it didn’t stop after discovery. A year later they learned he was still at it and had fondled a 5 year old while reading a book to her.
Why weren't the girls protected? How many years did he continue to molest after that?
The 'discovery' of Josh's sexual molestations occurred in the last months of Jim Bob's campaign for the U.S. Senate. Although he was in the State Legislature, he lost his Senate bid in May, 2002. He ran for an Arkansas State Senate seat in 2006 and lost. Perhaps with so much attention to campaigning and recovering from these disappointing losses from 2002 to 2006, the children's welfare may not have received enough attention.
Given the family’s culture of silence, it’s not surprising it took a year to report the continuing abuse to the church Elders. It was decided Josh be sent off to a Christian treatment program in Little Rock “for hard labor and counseling.”
However, years later Mom Duggar admits to police there had really been no treatment program. Josh was actually sent to live with “a guy they knew in Little Rock who is remodeling a (Fundamentalist church-owned) building.”
There was no counseling, no real attempt to get help for their son and stop his inappropriate sexual behavior with minors.
When Josh returned home four months later, the Duggars and church Elders decided to tell an Arkansas State Trooper about the sexual molestations. It is reported that Jim Bob Duggar knew this trooper personally. Could this decision be because they learned Josh was continuing to molest the girls?
And why did it take 16 months for Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to tell someone in authority?
The parents report the trooper, Corporal Joseph Hutchens, gave Josh a “stern talking to.” Unfortunately for the young girls who possibly were still being molested, Hutchens did not file a report with the Child Protection authorities. As a law enforcement officer he was mandated to report.
So who was this trooper protecting? It couldn’t have been Josh’s young sisters. As it turns out shortly after the ‘talking to,” Corporal Joseph Hutchens was arrested on child pornography charges. He was arrested a second time while on parole he is now serving 56 years in prison. Yes, you read that right — 56 years!
Why does a 14 year old repeatedly molest young children? My clients have some ideas about that. One speculates Josh might have been repeating sexual abuse that happened to him. Another client thinks Josh may have been acting out the sexual fantasies of a family member. This may seem far-fetched to you, but I’ve seen it happen many times.
Why do the parents continue to deny, dismiss and minimize what happened 13 years ago? From the transcripts of their Fox News interview:
– “(He) just basically touched them over their clothes while they were sleeping.”
– “A couple incidents where he touched them under their clothes, but it was like a few seconds.”
– “This was not rape or anything like that.”
These statements by the Duggars are typical of the many rationalizations I've heard over the years by perpetrators of abuse and by parents who are unwilling or unable to protect their children.
Just Waiting for the Abuse to Come Again . . .
The story of Josh Duggar abusing his sisters is a story I have often heard in my over 40 years in Child Protective Services and private psychotherapy practice: The repeated abuse, the denials, the secrecy, the silence, the inability or unwillingness of the parents or guardians to protect their children.
I often write about the devastating long-term effects of abuse: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives.
I’ve heard stories from many clients describing the fear they remember experiencing every night, lying in bed, dreading the sound of the doorknob turning.
I’ve also heard stories of sharing a room with a sibling who is being molested and dreading your turn (the Duggar girls all shared a bedroom in which they were serially molested by their brother.)
In Don’t Take It Personally! I write:
“Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.
“Rejection is the common thread in every type of abuse —psychological, physical, and sexual . . . .It is difficult to determine where one type of abuse ends and another begins. Psychological maltreatment . . .conveys “the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, endangered, or only valuable in meeting someone else’s needs.”
For many it feels like an act of betrayal when a trusted family member abuses, and when other adults do nothing to protect the child. This includes parents, extended family, teachers, family friends or religious leaders.
Victims of abuse report being confused about what love and caring and respect in a family means: "If someone is supposed to love me, why are they doing this to me when it doesn't feel right?"
Jill Duggar seems to be describing this confusion in the Fox News interview: "Like you know I’m sad. I’m shocked at the same time… I’m sad because this is my older brother, who I love a lot, and so it’s like, conflicting there,”
People Knew and Did Nothing
Much of the pain victims of abuse describe comes from realizing people knew and did nothing. For many the ability to trust is significantly damaged.
And did any of the five girls receive counseling? For how long? Or will they be like so many 40 or 50 or 60 year old women and men who belatedly come into therapy to deal with the long-term effects of childhood abuse that become so problematic in their personal and work relationships.
(More about these fears, feelings of betrayal and long-term effects of abuse from my blog about Jerry Sandusky and Penn State: See the link below.)
A Dangerous and Hurtful Silence
During the many years I worked in Child Protective Services we were increasingly becoming aware of disproportionately high statistics for emotional, physical and sexual abuse in certain cultures.
We observed this was particularly true for some Fundamentalist/Evangelical sects. We also saw a high incidence of abuse in the military and were impressed that they wanted to do something about it and sent officers to attend Child Abuse Prevention trainings.
It was well known by Child Protection professionals that many Fundamentalism sects employe physical abuse to keep children in line.
And in spite of the church’s insistence on adhering to the purity code, it appears to be OK to “keep it in the family.” Their Code of Silence couldn’t keep reports from surfacing of sexual abuse of children by family members, preachers and church elders.
Several ministers have been forced to resign in recent years when details became known
Several ministers have been forced to resign in recent years when details of their inappropriate sexual activities with both adults and children became known.
Denial, secrecy and silence contribute to the culture of abuse in these environments.
Billy Graham's grandson, Professor Boz Tchividjian, observes: “Silence is one of the most common failures of the Christian community in preventing child abuse. Too many within the Christian community respond to the prevalence of child abuse with a dangerous and very hurtful silence.”
Professor Tchividjian adds that too many Evangelicals had “sacrificed the souls' of young victims.”
Self-Protection or Church Protection or Child Protection?
The sexual abuse of young girls by Josh Duggar was never officially reported to authorities until 2006 – over three years later. An anonymous tip was phoned in to Arkansas Child Protection.
On the same day the Oprah Winfrey producers where the Duggars were taping received an email alleging sexual abuse and warning that the Duggars were "not what they seem to be" and "I think that you should know the truth before they make a complete fool of you and your show.”
The Oprah people faxed the accusations to Arkansas Child Abuse Hotline. The police then began a series of interviews with family members.
Recently, Under the Freedom of Information Act In Touch Weekly received and posted a heavily redacted version of the report on their website. *(See the link to the In Touch Weekly story below.)
Were charges ever filed? No, they were not.
Investigators determined that the statute of limitations (3 years from the original report) had expired and that no charges could be filed.
They were using the date the Duggars talked to the State Trooper – who never made an official report although he was mandated to do so.
In the meantime, an Arkansas judge just ordered the police report to be expunged, which means the sexual abuse is treated as if it never occurred. More silence. More secrets.
And Moving Forward: How to Best Protect the Children?
Is Josh Duggar actually attracted to young children? If so, this attraction often continues – especially when there has been no counseling or treatment. Actually, when you think about it, it’s not the thoughts alone that are dangerous. It is the It is the acting on those thoughts that harms people. Counseling could have taught Josh some much-needed impulse control, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
I always remind clients: “Be on the safe side by being alert to leaving your children in the unsupervised care of someone who abused you when you were younger.” I’ve heard so many stories about the abuse repeating with the younger generation – children, nieces nephews, grandchildren.
Abuse too often continues through the generations perpetuating the culture of silence.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
What do you think? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at [email protected]
More reading:
TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com blog: More about the fears, feelings of betrayal and long-term effects of abuse from my blog about Jerry Sandusky and Penn State: http://bit.ly/1HCDepZ
More blogs on abuse and it’s long-term effects in the alphabetical archives at www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Informative Blog (and comment thread) by a Homeschool Alum and current attorney involved in juvenile sexual abuse cases: "The Duggars: How Fundamentalism's Teachings on Sexuality Create Predatory Behavior"
http://fiddlrts.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-duggars-how-fundamentalisms.html
Another informative blog (and comment thread) by Carmen Green, a Homeschool Alumna and attorney specializing in Child Abuse Law and Homeschooling Regulations:
"A Homeschool Alumna’s Thoughts on Megyn Kelly’s Interview of the Duggars" https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/a-homeschool-alumnas-thoughts-on-megyn-kellys-interview-of-the-duggars/
Washington Post Timeline: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/05/23/a-timeline-of-the-molestation-allegations-against-josh-duggar/
In Touch Weekly original published allegations and the 2006 Police Report: http://www.intouchweekly.com/posts/bombshell-duggar-police-report-jim-bob-duggar-didn-t-report-son-josh-s-alleged-sex-offenses-for-more-than-a-year-58906
In Touch Weekly 2006 Washington County Sheriff’s Office Report http://www.intouchweekly.com/posts/josh-duggar-chilling-molestation-confession-in-new-police-report-59752
Department of Justice report on Juvenile-on-Juvenile sexual abuse https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/227763.pdf
If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues and addresses their long-term effects. http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, call the free, confidential National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
February 26, 2015
Getting Caught in a Lie Can Be Awkward: Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly
By Elayne Savage, PhD
First there is the Brian Williams fall from grace when eyewitnesses discounted his claims of being in a helicopter in Iraq that was hit by rocket-propelled grenade fire. Turns out he was in a chopper that flew in afterwards.
And soon other reports of possible exaggerated stories came under scrutiny resulting in his suspension for 6 months by NBC
If you missed the Brian Williams story, there’s a link below.
And Bill O’Reilly, Too
Along come allegations that Fox News host Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his accounts of being in a “war zone” during the Falklands War between the United Kingdom and Argentina. Other CBS reporters say he was 1,200 miles away in Buenos Aires and the “war zone” turns out to be rioting in Buenos Aires after Argentina surrendered.
And accusations of his exaggerations have not stopped. Questions are surfacing about another O’Reilly story related to a congressional investigation of the JFK assassination. A potential witness committed suicide and O’Reilly claims to have heard the shotgun blast because he was standing outside the home in Palm Beach. Colleagues say O’Reilly was in Texas at the time of the suicide – not in Florida.
And the most recent accusation of fabrication is that O’Reilly reported “I saw nuns shot in the back of the head,” when apparently contradicted that when he also said he didn’t arrive in El Salvador until after the murder of the nuns.
See links below on the Bill O’Reilly/Falkland Islands story, JFK witness suicide story and the El Salvador nuns story.
So with all this in the news, clients are asking about lies and liars. And there are no easy answers.
And I have my own curiosity as well.
Through the Eyes of a Child – Midway Through the World of Magic and the World of Reality
Wow. Listening to Brian Williams’s exaggerated claims of his heroic experiences I totally flashed back to my 5 year-old self. That was when I used to make up stories of my various exploits trying to impress Robbie, the student crossing guard.
I especially remember when I told him how I slipped on the stairs and ended up ‘doing the splits’ when I landed. His eyes got big, “Really?” he said, totally awed, I thought.
Looking back I think his eyes actually got big from disbelief.
What a silly thing to say any way. Just showing off and trying to appear special, I guess.
Have to admit I’ve been a drama queen since birth — trying to impress folks with my stories. Maybe that’s one reason I grew up to be a professional speaker and storyteller. Now I can actually get paid for creative embellishing!
I guess exaggeration is what 5 and 6 year olds do.
Who hasn’t heard a 4 or 5 or 6 year old tell a tall tale? I recently was in the company of a 6 year old who was having a very serious discussion with me about all the household chores she does regularly. Making beds, caring for pets, doing dishes . . . and on and on. Quite a detailed and impressive list it was. Her serious expression was so believable — until I checked with her mother. “She told you all that? I only wish. Well, sometimes she does carry her plate into the kitchen without being asked.”
Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality.
Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins. One of my favorite descriptions of this magical world of children is in the book The Magic Years by one of my early teachers, Selma Fraiberg.
(You’ll find the Amazon link below)
Some of us never quite outgrow this confusion about the difference between fantasy and reality and continue to stretch the truth even when we turn into grown ups.
Why? To get attention and impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover our tracks. To shift blame. To be nice or spare someone’s feelings.
Some of us get especially good at lying by omission and of course tell ourselves it isn’t really a lie.
With so much about lying and liars in the news lately, clients have been asking lots of questions about different types of liars: Pathological, Compulsive, Habitual, Chronic.
Compulsive and Pathological lying (also called Habitual and Chronic lying) are difficult to ‘officially’ define because they are not included as separate categories in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (currently the DSM 5.) However, they are included as symptoms of various Personality Disorder categories.
Compulsive lying is generally considered to be out of habit, where someone cannot stop themselves from misrepresenting and bending the truth.
Pathological lying is often described as goal-oriented, an attempt to get their way without concern for others.
But there is surely overlap and definitions are murky.
Below are some links to online articles that might help you understand the terminology.
Now You See Me, Now You Don’t
I once had a friend who lied a bunch. Hard not to when you have been leading a double life for decades – there is much covering up and protecting of various adventures to be done. And imagine the energy it takes to remember what you tell to who and when.
I remember saying more than once: “Wow. if you ever decide to stop lying how will you fill all that huge empty space you would be creating?
Looking back I believe it was kind of a game and the thrill of it: “What can I get away with?”
He actually believed he was a great liar, but if you looked closely, you could tell by the look on his face. Kind of a sheepish, little boy look. Maybe about 5 or 6 years old!
Micro-expressions - Brief but Telling
That look could be considered a micro-expression. According to Professor Paul Ekman, these are fleeting facial expressions that betray underlying emotions that the person may be trying to suppress. They mostly happen around the eyes and mouth, but can also appear in small movements of the hand and twitches of the legs. You have to be fast to notice them..
If you’re a poker player, you’d might call them a ‘tell.’
For eye-opening information about facial expressions, body language and lying read Paul Ekman’s ideas. (See link below.)
The Culture of Lying
I recently read a fascinating interview with John Kiriakow, a CIA whistleblower – just released from federal prison for leaking classified information on water boarding.
Here Kiriakou is describing the culture of lying in the CIA:
“Yeah, you`re trained to lie. You lie all the time. You lie, you cheat, you steal, you swindle, you trick people, that`s the nature of the job.”
And then, what would present-day politics be like without the lying? We’ve become so used to it we hardly notice anymore
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Here are the links I promised:
The Brian Williams Helicopter story:
www.nytimes.com/2015/02/06/business/brian-williamss-apology-over-iraq-account-is-challenged.html?_r=0
Bill O’Reilly Falklands story:
http://www.newsweek.com/former-colleagues-dispute-oreillys-account-falklands-war-coverage-308811
Bill O’Reilly/JFK assassination story link:
http://money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-jfk-george-de-mohrenschildt/
Bill O’Reilly/El Salvador Nuns story:
money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-el-salvador-nuns/
Amazon Link to The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684825503/thequeofrej-20
Compulsive/Pathological Lying links:
http://www.compulsivelyingdisorder.com/what-is-compulsive-lying-disorder/
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/confront_a_liar/public/pathological-compulsive.html
http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Pathological-Liar
Paul Ekman/Micro-expression link:
http://www.forbes.com/2010/05/13/body-language-lie-physical-tics-forbes-woman-well-being-workplace.html
© Elayne Savage, PhD
I’m curious about your experiences with lying and liars. Do the current headlines bring back any memories for you as they did for me? Would love an e-mail or post in the blog comment section: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Until next month,
layne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 30, 2014
March 22, 2014
The Not Knowing is Excruciating – The Malaysia Airlines Mystery
By Elayne Savage, PhD
It's the not knowing that is so excruciating.
How can Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 with 239 on board suddenly disappear from radar and yet continue to fly seven more hours? How can it be that all the worldwide sophisticated technology cannot locate it? It's hard to accept it just vanished into thin air en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.
It's not the first time planes have disappeared and some have never been found. (See story and statistics link below.)
There have been at least a dozen theories and many distractions, but only a handful of hard facts.
I admit I have been riveted by the mystery of it all. However, the intrigue of the disappearance of the plane is overshadowed by my awareness of what the relatives of missing passengers must be going through.
Speculation after speculation abounds in the media: that the plane could have landed on various airstrips, that there was an explosion or fire, that it was hijacked, it was a pilot suicide mission, or following in the shadow of another plane. And on and on. How painful it must be for relatives when false hope is fueled, only to have one theory replaced by another.
The worst possible scenario of course is that we never find out what really happened.
It's the not knowing that is so excruciating.
Many of us have experienced this kind of turbulence in our lives if we find ourselves waiting for news after an accident or a surgery. "Did our loved one survive?" "Are they going to be all right?" "How will this affect me?"
I can't help but think of acquaintances who have experienced the agony of not knowing and lack of closure when a loved one has disappeared without a trace. And the hope kept alive that they are alive and will somehow find their way back. The pain of living with that is hard to imagine.
For me, the closest I can come to imagining this kind of pain is from my own experience in the 1950's when I was 12 years old.
It Gets Personal
Whenever there is a news story that is punctuated with so many question marks and long waits for news, I relive the agony of the 'not knowing' – the endless waiting for information.
I know what it's like to wait and wonder. Each time I hear about another tragedy where information is slow in coming or speculation runs rampant, I’m reminded of my own experiences. It is the same each time for me. I go through the same process of waiting and wondering. I relive the 'not knowing' — the seemingly endless waiting for information that I experienced when I was 12 years old.
The thought that something might be wrong begins as a whisper. As the hours drag by, a cloak of fear takes over.
Just like that day in 1954 when my father, my younger brother, Lee and I waited hours for my mother's "we arrived safely" phone call. And it never came.
As we waited for the call, we watched the Evening News. We heard a Braniff DC-3 crashed in an Iowa cornfield. It couldn't be their plane, we told ourselves. They were flying United.
Finally my Dad started making phone calls. For hours we waited for some answers to find out if indeed they were on that Braniff flight.
Turns out they were. There was to have been a long layover in Des Moines for the second leg of the trip from Omaha to the Mayo Clinic. Apparently my mother learned a Braniff flight would be leaving sooner for Rochester and she and my grandmother were able to book tickets on it. What she didn't know was that it was a 'puddle-jumper,' stopping in several cities along the route. And of course she had no idea the plane would be heading into a fierce thunderstorm.
Neither my mother nor grandmother had identification with them. My mother was finally identified at the morgue in Mason City Iowa from the inscription on her wedding band. (I wear this ring every day — always aware that it survived the plane crash.)
Another impediment to identifying them was not everyone on the plane died in the crash.
It's the not knowing that is so excruciating.
Late into the night, we learned they were dead. But a part of my 12-year-old mind wouldn't believe it. For years I kept imagining there must have been a terrible mistake in identification . . . and they would return home someday.
Finding Answers 40 Years Later
Forty years later my brother Lee Raskin began some research to learn what really happened that August 22nd day. The official report reads, “Strong downdrafts forced the plane to the ground." There is even speculation the plane was caught in a small tornado.
Forty years after the crash I learned not everyone died. Seven people survived, including the stewardess. The pilot and co-pilot were killed.
Why did the pilot disregard the warning to not land in Mason City? Did they not hear it? Did they figure it was safe to land? We will never really know exactly what happened in the cockpit that day.
And in a way, I guess we are still waiting. Just as the relatives of passengers on Flight 370 may be waiting for answers for a very long time.
When these kinds of tragedies occur it really doesn't matter what the media speculates happened or where and how far the debris might be scattered.
For the surviving families it is scattered over a lifetime.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Do you have a story to share about your own experience of waiting for news? What was the situation? What was it like for you? How long did you have wait for some kind of closure? Are you still waiting?
Have you, too, been intrigued about the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370? Have you, too, become overwhelmed by so much speculation and false information?
I'd love to hear your story. You can post in the comments section in the box below
or by emailing me at [email protected]
Here's a link to a reliable source for a summary of plausible scenarios: TheAirSafe.com News
http://www.airsafenews.com/2014/03/four-plausible-scenarios-for-malaysia.html
And here's a link to the story of my personal experience with the long wait to hear whether someone I love is alive or dead. And my journey to some closure.
http://bit.ly/SYkMJv
Here’s a link to statistics on missing aircraft:
http://www.ibtimes.com/beyond-malaysia-airlines-flight-mh370-6-other-planes-disappeared-were-never-found-1561738
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_aerial_disappearances
Until next time . . .
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
August 27, 2013
January 23, 2013
Django Freeman Meets James Hood
by Elayne Savage, PhD
I almost didn't go to see Django Unchained. There were way too many warnings about spurting blood. Sometimes I faint at the sight of blood, so my plan was to stay away.
Then someone whose taste in movies I really trust convinced me I shouldn’t miss it.
It's an intriguing story about heroes and antiheros. Loyalties and betrayals. And of course rejection and acceptance.
The film is filled with delightful whimsy and irony and obscure references to old novels and paintings and movies and characters. Django looks so cool in his round sun glasses (sun glasses in the mid-1800’s!)
Actually, as much as I dreaded the gore, the spurting blood was like watching a ballet in slow motion. Or a Dancing Waters® fountain display. Some parts were even comical. Not to say I didn’t sometimes have my hands over my eyes!
Much of this movie was familiar because it reminded me of my student years at the University of Alabama in the 1960’s. The school was still all-white back then.
Coincidently, just after I saw the movie I read that James Hood had died. He and Vivian Malone were the first African American students to attend the University of Alabama.
This was the famous George-Wallace-high-profile-grandstanding-standing-in-the-schoolhouse-door drama. The time was June, 1963. The place, Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
The movie’s story parallels the desegregation drama at the University. Both are about striving to preserve the Southern way of life.
I missed the actual “stand-in-the-schoolhouse-door” day. I had just graduated and returned to Baltimore. Well, I really didn't miss it. In a way, I was part of it. I had been involved in the careful planning that began many months before.
Knowing that desegregation was going to happen in the near future, a group of student leaders were organized to make sure plans were initiated and strategically choreographed. We were hoping to pre-empt problems and avoid violence. And we did!
James Hood and Vivian Malone headed the cast of characters of this real-life drama and were seen as heroes by the media and most of the country. Many viewed Governor George Wallace who vowed to block desegregation as the antihero. Of course, his supporters saw him as defending the southern way of life.
Deputy U.S. Attorney General Nicholas Katzenbach confronts Alabama Governor George Wallace
and his attempt to block integration of students at the University of Alabama.
1963 file photo/The Associated Press. Photographer: Warren K. Leffler. U.S. News and World Report.
There are many parallels between James Hood and Vivian Malone with Django Freeman and Dr. King Schultz, the bounty hunter who frees Django. And of course there are the shared values of Stephen, the sinister house slave and George Wallace, both defiantly standing in the doorway, fiercely protecting what they believed in. Which includes acting in their own best interests. I don’t know if Stephen had a nickname, but called the Governor “Tail-Wind Wallace.”
The Real Heroes
The real heroes of this Alabama desegregation saga are Dr. John L. Blackburn, then Dean of Men at the University, and his band of student leaders. Many months before the official integration of the school, John L. organized thirty student leaders to make and carry out plans, meet with other students, and insure a smooth transition. He orchestrated the essentials and shepherded everyone through their roles. I remember being part of those planning sessions and how impressed I was with the commitment and teamwork involved.
Climate of the Times
Here's a reminder of what the climate was at that time: This was seven years after mob violence took place at the University following the admission of Autherine Lucy in 1956. The violence was sparked when it became public that the University hadn’t realized from her application that she was African American.
The integration of the University took place a year before the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was enacted. At the time the white supremacy doctrine of the Ku Klux influenced townspeople and politicians. KKK racism, lawlessness and violence towards African Americans was unchallenged in the Deep South media. However, in the early 60’s the Klan and their sympathizers began to realize integration was inevitable. They wouldn’t be able to stop it.
And they were scared. And desperate. And dangerous.
In September, 1962, the editorial staff of the University’s newspaper, the Crimson White, wrote an editorial titled ‘If I Had a Bell,’ supporting James Meredith entering The University of Mississippi at Oxford, Mississippi. It began with the words of an American Folk Song:
“If I had a bell, I’d ring it in the morning,
I’d ring it in the evening
All over this land.
I’d ring out justice,
I’d ring out freedom,
I’d ring out love for my brother and my sister,
All over this land.”
And it ended with "There was no need to send to Oxford this week to see what bell rang. It wasn't the bell of justice and freedom: it rang for you and me."
Melvin Meyer, the editor of the Crimson White, didn’t write that editorial, However, because he was Jewish, he took the brunt of the Klan’s vengeance: His fraternity brothers received threatening phone calls and a 14-foot cross was burned on their front lawn. The newspaper staff received anti-Semitic hate mail. The University made sure he had armed guards.
Interestingly, it was the burning of this cross and intimidation by the Klan that led Joe Levin, a fraternity brother, to become a civil rights activist attorney.. “Once my eyes were opened, I couldn't ignore others who were persecuted around me.”
In 1971 Levin started the Southern Poverty Law Center with Morris Dees, which as you may know has prosecuted the Klan and other hate groups over the years.
The Imperial Wizard of the KKK, Robert Shelton, who also lived in Tuscaloosa, directed violence toward other Jewish students as well. As a scare tactic, my sorority house was broken into, requiring round the clock campus police protection. Threats of violence were made just before an upcoming pep rally and school officials asked us not to wear our fraternity or sorority pins in public.
In other words, unless we became invisible our lives were in danger. It was a scary time.
Two months earlier, in April, 1963, Birmingham Police Commissioner Bull Conner, used fire-hoses and attack dogs against peaceful demonstrators including children.
To counter George Wallace standing in the schoolhouse door and initially blocking the entrance for the first two African American students, President John F. Kennedy sent Deputy Attorney General Nicholas Katzenbach and federalized National Guard troops. Vivian Malone and James Hood were escorted into Foster Auditorium to register without incident. On June 11, 1963 the University of Alabama was officially integrated.
Vivian Malone and James Hood emerge from Foster Auditorium as officially registered students
at the University of Alabama on June 11, 1963. File photo/The Associated Pres
But there were those in the Deep South who felt threatened and scared. They became even more dangerous. Late that same night African American activist Medgar Evers was assassinated in front of his home in Jackson, Mississippi.
Evers had been involved in the efforts to overturn segregation at Ole Miss.
Three months later on September 15th, just after the desegregation of Birmingham’s schools, four young African American girls died in the bombing of Sixteenth Street Baptist Church.
Mirror Images
Watching Django Unchained, I was repeatedly reminded of those Alabama tragedies. There is a very funnyscene of vigilantes with sloppily cut eyeholes in the pillowcases over their heads Yet even while I was laughing, memories of those terrifying early experiences with the Klu Klux Klan came flooding back.
Here’s another Django Unchained scene parallel to events occurring in Alabama: The house slave, Stephen, tries desperately and sinisterly to protect his master's way of life and keep his own power in the household from eroding. Stephen, like George Wallace, symbolically stood in the door, showing unflinching loyalty to his master.
Years later, when I visited Alabama, I had a chance to hear the backstory of the integration drama from John L. and some of those 60’s student leaders. John Clements shared some amusing and poignant stories about how he made sure Malone and Hood got into classes even though they were already full!
I learned information I never knew about how things were choreographed down to minute details. How the gang of 30 combed the campus and removed any debris that might be used to hurl at Malone and Hood. How John L. had prepared both Malone and Hood in advance of their enrollment. How they had student companions flanking them at all times. How the Student Government President, invited James Hood to sit at his table in the cafeteria, welcoming him, and hoping others would do the same. This leader was Donald Stewart, who later became an Alabama attorney and a Democratic US Senator.
Fade Out
James Hood was the last of the headliners of that schoolhouse door drama:
• George Wallace died in 1998. Toward the end of his life, he apologized for his segregationist stand at the University of Alabama.
• Vivian Malone Jones became the first African American student to graduate from the University. She became Director of Civil Rights and Urban Affairs and was appointed Director of Environmental Justice for the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. In 1996 she was the recipient of the Lurleen B. Wallace Award of Courage. George Wallace declared at the ceremony: "Vivian Malone Jones was at the center of the fight over states' rights and conducted herself with grace, strength and, above all, courage." Her brother-in-law. Eric Holder, Jr., is the current U.S. Attorney General.
She died of stroke complications in 2005 at the age of 63.
• John L. Blackburn died in 2009. He was a nationally renowned leader in higher education and founder of the Blackburn Institute, a leadership development organization at the University.
John L. was my personal hero and inspiration. I traveled to Tuscaloosa where I was privileged to speak at his Memorial service.
• History will recall that James Hood and Vivian Malone enrolled at the University of Alabama in1963, but Hood left after only two months saying he wanted to avoid “a complete mental and physical breakdown.”
Non-acceptance, harassment and disrespect probably played a major role in his premature departure.
He earned a bachelor’s degree from Wayne State University in Detroit and returned to The University of Alabama to earn a doctorate in higher education in 1997.
Hood retired in 2002 as chairman of public safety services in charge of police and fire training in Madison, Wisconsin and returned to live in Gadsden, Alabama until his death.
When George Wallace died in June 1998, James Hood traveled from his home in Madison, Wis., to attend the funeral in Montgomery, Alabama.
Compassion vs. Revenge
It looks like there was much to be said for turning the other cheek by the headliners in the Alabama drama. Not so much for the main characters in Django Unchained – who dish out super heavy doses of revenge.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Many thanks to my brother, Lee Raskin for his research in writing this.
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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