Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION® : Fight, Flight or Freeze

Entries categorized "Fight, Flight or Freeze"

January 31, 2021

Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring On PTSD

Ever since January 6, with the invasion of the Capitol, I was finding myself dreading to hear the detailed stories from members of Congress describing their experiences of evacuating and going into hiding – on the floor and under tables.

And how they were afraid during all those hours that they were going to die.

And some had family members with them that day.

I felt sick to my stomach knowing that many of them would be having long-term effects from their traumatic experiences.

And I was also dreading it because I knew some of their stories would reawaken many of my own experiences of trauma and fear.

For decades, as a Child Protective Services Social Worker and a psychotherapist in private practice, I have heard stories from clients about experiencing life-threatening situations. Sometimes their own, and sometimes as a witness to situations of others.

And then, there are my own memories of fearful sometimes life-threatening situations.

With many of the stories I hear my own memories come flooding back – of all the times I thought I was going to die.

Memories and visceral reactions resurface when I hear stories of these kinds of traumas. I have come to expect that many of them will recreate the traumas I have experienced as a child and during my often dangerous job as a Social Worker in San Francisco.

I’m writing this to describe how easily events – even seemingly subtle ones – can be traumatizing — and might affect each of us in different ways. We all have different ways of processing and different degrees of resilience.

As a young child, being on the receiving end of someone’s repeated out-of-control rage takes a toll as learned years later.

A neighborhood bully tried to strangle me in the alley when I was little kid in DC. And this happened again a few years later in Omaha.

A Social Service client tried to strangle me when I was temporarily working in General Assistance, found she was already receiving checks from us and had to deny aid to her. She was pretty upset, walked behind my desk grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall. I had just returned to work after having a baby. It took years to recover from that frightening experience. And it took me a while to figure out those early strangling attempts contributed to my distress.

And once when I was making home visits and stopped at a traffic light, someone fired into the rear window just behind my drivers seat. Another social worker was in the front seat. We never, ever talked about the incident.

Then there was the time in San Francisco when my car was hit from behind by a streetcar — right into the path if an oncoming streetcar which thankfully was able to stop 3 or 4 feet from me. In those few moments I thought I was going to die.

Several decades later I was broadsided by someone who ran a light. As I watched the car coming at me, once again I thought I was going to die. It took me a while to figure out this was surely a post–traumatic response to the streetcar experience.

For months after that accident I started shaking very time I saw a car insurance ad on TV – complete with crash sounds. It took a while for me to realize my frightening streetcar experience of all those years ago was affecting my reaction to being broadsided.

I decided to do something about it!

EMDR

I knew that Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) would be helpful in dealing with the neural pathways because I had trained in it 3 decades ago.

EFT

I wanted to try something new so I choose to try using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and my doctor referred me to a practitioner. It took one only session for me to learn to calm the anxiety that arose from the sights and sounds of the TV car crashes and other loud noises.

And of course, as a psychotherapist, I know how helpful it is to talk to someone knowledgeable about trauma.

Here’s what was happening in my brain

The brain takes snapshots and encodes certain aspects of what is happening in the moment. And the stress hormones come into play. Adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are activated by the amygdala and result in fight, flight or freeze reactions.

These central (survival) details are imprinted, encoded and put into life-long storage in the neural pathway. Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - with renewed spurts of the stress hormones during a new experience, often repeating over the course of our lives.

Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.

According to neuroscience the human brain processes, files and stores memories that are linked to strong emotions. The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens the information you take in by your five senses – sounds, smells, sights, tastes, touch.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction – a visceral reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and upon reflection it turns out to be some kind of stored memory. A ticking clock, the taste or smell of certain food, your fingertips touching something.

Here’s the puzzling part for many of us: while certain aspects of the trauma are imprinted on our brain often for the rest of our lives, other aspects may be fuzzy or not remembered at all.

We tend to remember the essential, central, survival details, and the peripheral details get filtered out by the brain’s filing system – the hippocampus.

Recently there has been a distinction between PTSD and CPTSD which means Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

What is PTSD? What is Complex PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Symptoms and causes ...

www.mayoclinic.org › symptoms-causes › syc-20355967

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition triggered by a terrifying event, causing flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety.

The event can be witnessed rather then personally experience.

CPTSD results from repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event..

It can be the same situation repeated or a series of terrifying experiences.

More on PTSD and CPTSD:

https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd

More about How Trauma Affects Memory:

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/09/28/652524372/how-trauma-affects-memory-scientists-weigh-in-on-the-kavanaugh-hearing

https://theconversation.com/memories-of-trauma-are-unique-because-of-how-brains-and-bodies-respond-to-threat-10372 s5

https://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-relationship-between-the-amygdala-and-hippocampus.htm

How Memories Are Affected by Anniversary Reactions:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-d-erlich-md/grief_b_1164254.html

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2013/08/my-mother-my-daughter-myself-and-a-powerful-anniversary-reaction.html

About the Difference Between Central vs. Peripheral Memory Details

https://beta.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/christine-blasey-ford-s-memories-brett-kavanaugh-are-30-years-ncna913511

Another type of trauma which we so often don't recognize as PTSD, is the loss of someone. This is especially true if we lose a parent or grandparent when we are children or young adults. Even more devastating if we are not supported in grieving the death.

Many of you know my story of losing my mother and grandmother in a plane crash when I was 12 and Lee was nine and it wasn't handled well at all:

There Is to Be No Grieving

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
[email protected]

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Posted at 07:10 PM in Anxiety, Current Affairs, Fear, Fight, Flight or Freeze, Grief, Politics, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Resilience, Safety and Security, Trauma | Permalink | Comments (0)

Tags: 2021. Capitol Insurrection, :PTSD, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, complicated grieving, CPTSD, EFT, EMDR, Emotional Freedom Technique, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, incomplete grieving, January 6, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Visceral Memory

July 30, 2018

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

©lolloj - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Do you find yourself guessing what someone might be meaning by their words or actions . . . or inactions? Do you sometimes assume they are really thinking something critical or invalidating or judgmental? And then do dwell for hours on your assumption, trying to decipher the ‘real meaning?’

Lately I’ve been hearing lots of stories from clients about serious misunderstandings in their personal or workplace communications. They find themselves trying to guess what someone means when words or behaviors are unclear and confusing. Many aren’t sure how to respectfully check something out, so they don't try. Then they contact me for help in skills for clarifying communication.

Over the last 20 years I’ve been terming this guesswork 'filling-in-the-blanks' and I’ve watched hundreds of faces light up in recognition. Yes, lots of us assume meaning. Yes, we belatedly realize we're often mistaken in our assumptions and it can seriously muck up our relationships.

Clients report how they misread the intent, take something personally, over-react and complicate the relationship. And it happens in every kind of relationship: with partners and family and friends and in the workplace.

When I ask couples or consulting clients on my intake form about “Why did you come into counseling now,” it’s no surprise that the most frequent answer is “communication problems.” And with further exploration it turns out there are way too many assumptions made. Way too much 'Filling in the blanks!'

The Prism Of Our Misconceptions

We tend to see things through the prism of our misconceptions. Our interpretations pass through a filter containing our private storehouse of experiences accumulated since childhood. These early traumatic experiences color our beliefs about our world, the safety

of our world and the people in it.

When these experiences are positive we learn to trust intentions of others. If they happen

to be hurtful, rejecting experiences, however, we learn to be wary, protecting ourselves from further hurt.

If a painful experience gets triggered, we might find ourselves in the middle of a Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

From my 9/30/14 blog post:

“Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives . . . . the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions . . . . When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,”

(More on Fight, Flight or Freeze Responses)

‘Filling in the Blanks’ Is a Setup for Feeling Rejected

Here's a story I often hear from therapy and consultation clients. It has many variations but basically goes like this:

You are walking down the hall or into a conference room. You pass a senior management colleague and you say a big ’hello.” Nothing. No response.

What do you tell yourself? Do you find yourself going through your emotional checklist?

- “Do they not like me?”

- “Did I do a bad job on that last report?”

- “Oh no, I’m going to be fired.”

Fired! How quickly your mind goes there. Fascinating isn't it — how quickly we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt and self-blame and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation. And to make matters worse, we tend to ruminate on these possible misconceptions. Maybe for days!

©Bialasiewicz - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Wouldn’t it be great to find a way to stop this run-away rejection train? Can you validate your feelings that yes, you are hurt by the seeming ‘diss.’’ Then can you take a moment to ask yourself if maybe there’s a chance you might have misread the situation?

Can you try to remind yourself there is a good chance he or she was so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they didn't notice you?

What would it take to decide to check it out and clarify the situation? After all, the most upsetting answer you could hear would most likely be no worse what you are already telling yourself.

OK so let’s talk about the dynamics and discomfort of the fast-moving rejection train; then let’s take a look at some options for getting back on track.

Feeling Like the Bull's Eye in a Target

Isn't it amazing . . .

- how easily we make the situation all about us (when it's often more about the other person.)

- how many times we take someone’s comment or action (or inaction!) as a personal affront.

At these times you may be finding yourself in the center of your universe. In that center position it’s easy to feel like the bull's-eye in a target -— expecting and waiting for the dart's sting.

When you’re feeling like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's easy to take things personally. And it takes a bit of work to visualize getting out of that center place, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective.

The Dance Between Taking Things Personally and Rejection

Perceived rejection pops up in literally hundreds of forms, usually involving feeling ‘dissed’ in some way – from feeling disrespected, to feeling ignored or discounted or dismissed, to feeling judged or criticized or blamed and shamed, to feeling abandoned.

•Taking things personally involves feeling disrespected and rejected.

•Taking things personally involves feeling blamed or slighted or personally attacked.

•Taking things personally, involves getting feelings hurt by misinterpreting the meanings of others, seeing the actions of others as a personal affront, believing someone wants to hurt us.

•Taking things personally involves letting our emotions be controlled by what somebody says or does (or what they neglect to say or do.)

It’s easy to understand how experiencing this kind of hurt leads to efforts toward protecting ourselves from more hurt. Often the tendency is to pull back, even to the point of 'disappearing.' One woman describes how she "goes invisible, contracting into a pinpoint, withdrawing from everybody and everything.”

When you're feeling snubbed, ignored, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose you'll react the next time you see that person? Will you avoid their eyes? Will your hurt show on your face or in your body language? Might they interpret your reaction as judgment or disdain? Or will it look like 'attitude' to them?

Or to complicate matters even more, they may sense your withdrawal as a rejection of them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They might try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. They might start thinking something like:

- "Did I just say or do something stupid?"

- "Maybe they don't want to be around me anymore."

- “Maybe I neglected to ask about something important.”

- “Why is s/he pushing me away?”

As a self-protection they might seem to be closed off and protected rather then open and available.

Then, ask yourself how might you react to how you perceive them?

Hopefully things you can talk out feelings before feelings get too hurt. As more time goes by, both participants might build protective walls around themselves, keeping the other out. Maybe each person feels confused and hurt. Can you see how negative reciprocity might begin to develop?

The longer the hurt feelings go on, the harder it is to get back on track. You don't know what to say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship can become strained. You both might start feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum. Or can’t look them in the eyes when you do see them. Then they may start filling in the blanks and telling themselves you are ignoring them.

Feeling ignored feels like disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection and it’s hard not to take it personally.

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment, leaving no space left for connection.

Getting Off that Runaway-Rejection Train

The first step is to remind yourself there might be a misunderstanding about the meaning and intent of the other person, so ask yourself. “Could I be filling in the blanks?”

Next consider ways these confusing behaviors can get addressed, checked out and clarified. There’s so much at stake. What would it take to clear the air? What are your options here?

You can start by taking a deep breath and initiating a conversation about what you thought happened.

You can make an attempt to deal directly with the issue and the person. The idea of 'confronting' is surely scary for most of us. However, think of it as ‘confronting the situation’ which is not the same as confronting the person.’

For example, in our first story: can you take a deep breath, mention that you noticed they didn’t respond to your ‘hello’ and ask an open-ended question like “Is everything OK.”

In a situation that has become strained, you could consider identifying and addressing the awkwardness that has seemed to develop.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same for you? I value our relationship and would like for it to get back on track. Can we talk about how we can make this happen?" At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

©iqoncept - Can Stock Photo Inc.

A Quick and Easy Tip for Checking Things Out

As you probably have guessed, I’ve jumped way to fast into assumptions and presumptions much of my life. Over the last few years I developed a basic 3-step model for checking things out so I’m not ‘filling in the blanks’ so often.

This model can be tailored to lots of situations:

✔1 - “This is what I heard you say ________________”

✔2 - “Is it what you said?”

✔3 - “Is it what you meant?“

In the case of feeling hurt by behavior rather then someone’s words:

✔1 - “This is what I noticed _____________.”

✔2 - “Is it what you think happened as well?’

✔3 - “Is it what you intended?”

This tip is an simple entree to creating essential conversations with someone you care about . . .

Do you, too, have stories and experiences with ’filling in the blanks’ to share?

Until next month . . .

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!  

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Posted at 04:08 PM in Blame/Blaming, Communication, Fight, Flight or Freeze, Rejection, Self-rejection, Taking Personally | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tags: assumptions, checking things out, communication, fill in the blanks, hurt feelings, miscommunication, misunderstandings, rejection, taking personally

February 28, 2018

The Heartbreak of Another Mass School Shooting

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I don’t cry easily. And yet, I find myself sobbing each time one of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High survivors describes their experience of the rampage. Or when I hear one of the parents describe losing their child.

During the President’s recent “Listening Session“ when student Sam Zeif described, thinking he was going to die, making calls to his parents and brothers to say goodbye. I sobbed.

When he implored, “I want to feel safe at school” I sobbed.

When I heard Meadow Pollack’s dad Andrew lament, "I'm never gonna see my kid again. Never ever will I see my kid. She's not here. She's not here. She's at King David Cemetery. That's where I go to see my kid." I sobbed.

When Nicole Hockley, the mother of 6-year-old Dylan who was murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School with 19 other children and six staff members spoke, “You don't want to be me. No parent does." I sobbed.

I’m heartbroken to hear about the deaths and injuries from this latest school shooting. I’m also aware that with each mass massacre there is a stockpiling of fear: “How did this happen?” Will our children be safe?” “What do we tell the children? And our most primitive fear: “What’s going to happen to me?"

Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives.

Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.

Here’s how it works: According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens and files the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.

More about how anxiety and the stress hormones affect both children and adults:

https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-children-metaphor-put-shoes-right-beside/

Prior to this latest mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, I remember being hugely affected by three chilling massacres of students in grade school, high school and college.

One was perpetrated by an adult, the others by present or past students of each school

Cleveland Elementary School

The Cleveland Elementary Schoolyard massacre in Stockton CA occurred in 1989.

Patrick Purdy, a drifter, in spite of a long criminal history purchased an AK-47, dressed in combat gear and entered the school playground.

He killed five children and wounded 32 others before killing himself. This felt too close to home since Stockton is less than two hours away.

Columbine High School

Next I vividly remember Columbine High School, Littleton, Colorado, in 1999 where two seniors murdered 12 students and one teacher, and injuring 21. The shooting rampage lasted just under one hour.

Columbine has become a PTSD replay for me. each new school mass murder adds another layer.

My memory of the events of Columbine are not only of the nightmare of the rampage and deaths that day, but I also have returning memories of when I went on the air long into the night and into the morning for almost five hours with a Denver radio host.

Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what had just happened in their community. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And many wondered: "What will become of us?"

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to so much fear in their voices hour after hour was too much for me. I became numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And I'm still deeply affected. Each time there is another school massacre, my reaction is visceral and I go back to that place of hearing each story of panic and fear. This feeling seems to stockpile from new episode to new episode.

Through writings of the shooters and peer reporting we learned the killings are in part the result of the rejection these two students felt from classmates. Being teased, taunted and ostracized for being 'different.' They felt there were injustices done.

A friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time to get back at the school.” A peer continues, “They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.”

Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.

He wrote about killing himself.

Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so

many fun things."

Because they felt so tormented by peers they made a plan: They armed themselves with a 9-mm semi-automatic handgun, a sawed off 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun, a carbine rifle, and a sawed off 12-gauge pump shotgun. There were a total of 188 rounds fired. There were pipe bombs and knives too.

They “got revenge” by tormenting students and teachers for almost an hour. Then they both committed suicide.

September 30, 2014

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Can you believe the number of Family Violence stories in the news lately? The Ravens Ray Rice, 49ers Ray McDonald , Panthers Greg Hardy, and even a US District Court Judge Mark Fuller are all accused of Domestic Violence. But the story that dominates is about the indictment of Vikings Adrian Peterson for beating his four year old son with a switch.

The gift here of course is the media attention has done much to break the secrecy about family violence.

There is a connection between domestic violence and the abuse of children. Both often come from learned behavior, often experienced in childhood.

Experiencing abuse or witnessing it between adults affects a child’s capacity for showing respect and trust. What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone? When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? They may ask themselves, "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me?"

As adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Many become bullies and abusers themselves. Some become the abused. And others will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again.

Let’s focus here on child abuse in regard to recent reports of Adrian Peterson’s abuse of his 4 year old son with a stripped tree branch.

‘Discipline' or 'Punishment'

The difference between 'Discipline' and 'Punishment' confuses many folks. Disciplining doesn't have to mean physical punishment. When do 'spankings' become 'whippings' or ‘beatings' or ‘whuppins’?

How often do we hear “My daddy hit me, so I have a right to do the same to my child”?
In fact, Peterson’s lawyer stated, “Adrian is a loving father who used his judgment as a parent to discipline his son. He used the same kind of discipline with his child that he experienced as a child growing up in East Texas.”

Sorry. I can’t buy that line of reasoning. My daddy hit my brother Lee and me pretty regularly with belts and telephone cords. We share stories with cousins about beatings. Now that I know our grandfather beat our father and his four brothers – it still does not make our beatings acceptable.

I was determined not to repeat this behavior with my daughter. And yet, one day she said something that I took personally and I lost control. I raged at her, chased her into her playhouse, blocked the door, and flailed at her with my hands.

And then she stopped me cold: “You’re supposed to protect kids not hit them.” She was about seven years old and knew I was a Child Protective Services social worker.

In those days I’d often team up with plainclothes officers to talk with parents, and will always remember their advice: “If you can’t stop yourself from hitting, hit with an open hand so you won’t leave welts or bruises. Using a fist or belt will hurt your child.”

Emotional Welts and Bruises

If we see a child being beaten with a belt or wooden spoon, we can imagine the pain the child experiences, maybe we can even see the welts. However we don’t see the emotional marks when the child is being beaten with a psychological spoon.

Because emotional hurts are more insidious, it is harder to make sense out of them. It’s not the beating alone that causes long-term damage. It is the accompanying messages of rejection and betrayal that potentially travel with a child into adulthood.

Long-term emotional damage results when the child looks to someone for love and protection, and that person hurts and betrays them. The child is left with feeling rejected, disrespected, and unprotected. This is true for all types of abuse.

What about these emotional welts and bruises?

Physical bruises usually heal; emotional bruises often do not. It’s not the spanking alone that causes long-term damage. It's more complicated than that.

"Fight, Flight or Freeze" – Spurts of Adrenaline and Cortisol

Research shows that adrenaline and cortisol stress hormone levels are affected by fear or trauma and bring on a 'fight or flight or freeze' response.

What is the long term affect of these increased levels? And how do these spurts of adrenaline caused by anxiety result in depression, leading to even to more intense feelings of helplessness and overwhelm?

Here’s how it works: According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens and files the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,

Emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. These experiences determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.

All these years later adult clients I see in therapy recall feeling terrified at 'that look' in their parents' eyes. Intense anger or rage on the adult's face can be terrorizing for some children especially if there is an out-of-control quality to it. They live on the edge, waiting for the whipping to come again.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I write how children's experience of being abused is from a child's perspective. Adults might see it differently:

"Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes. So they’re always holding their breath, waiting . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships."

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and lovers. It often shows itself in domestic violence by becoming the abuser or the abused.

About 25 years ago I served on a national Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. We carved out definitions of psychological maltreatment and it's long-term effects.

Psychological maltreatment is embedded in all forms of child abuse. It conveys the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or in danger.

Children feel disregarded and unprotected. Can you see how rejection is the common thread that runs throughout these perceptions?

When children look to someone for love and protection and that person hurts and betrays them, how can there not be long-term emotional damage?

Trust is Fragile

When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? Or for themselves?

They may ask "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me like this?" What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone?
Messages like this are so confusing. When they become adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Some will become abusive themselves. And others will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again.

"Just Wait Until Your Father Gets Home"

You may have guessed that spankings were a regular happening in my childhood home. My mom would warn, "Just wait until your father gets home." And my brother Lee and I waited, terrified of what would follow when we went with him down to the basement.

Often it started with the belt. The worst times were when he used the buckle end. However, if he thought we weren’t getting the "message" the next step was the telephone cord.

Daddy would strip away the black sheathing, exposing the brightly colored individual wires. I remember some of them still had metal pieces attached to the ends.

But what really hurt the most, was that I sensed my mother standing on the basement landing, listening to our cries.

A Scrapbook of Memories

A few years ago a client brought in a 1950's wooden scrapbook her father had made to display her childhood poems. He painstakingly used a jigsaw, cutting her name into a piece of wood and gluing it onto the wooden cover. It was a loving gesture.

I found myself staring at the colorful lacing holding the two pieces of wood together, There was something eerily familiar about it. At first I couldn't place it. I was stunned when I recognized what it was. The brightly colored cord her dad used to fasten it together was telephone wire.

I couldn't stop my tears.

For another perspective: Michael Eric Dyson’s Op-Ed on black families and discipline

For lots of information on the abuse of children and it’s long term effects:
Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!  

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Posted at 10:34 PM in Abuse, Couples, Family, Fight, Flight or Freeze, Taking Personally | Permalink | Comments (4)

Tags: Abusive Relationships, Adrian Peterson, Baltimore Ravens, Carolina Panthers, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Family Violence, Flight, Flight or Freeze Response, Greg Hardy, Minnesota Vikings, NFL, Physical Abuse of Children, Ray McDonald, Ray Rice, San Francisco 49ers, stress hormones, U.S. District Court Judge Mark Fuller

March 23, 2009

Fear, Anger and Outrage

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
March, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear, Anger and Outrage
2. Rage is 'Anger with a History'
3. Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
4. Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
5. Loss of Trust
6. Loss Feels Like Rejection
7. Tips for Coping with Fear
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Fear, Anger and Outrage
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was about to send out an e-letter on Fear and Disappointment. That was before the AIG bonus reaction headlines began screaming: "Outrage." "Outrage." "Outrage."

References to "Populist Rage" and "Bailout Rage" abound. Note how the word 'anger' is barely used. The operative word appears to be 'Rage.'

'Rage' is a powerful word describing a powerful emotion.

Let's look at 'rage' and how is it is different from 'anger.' We can then see if 'rage' is what we're really feeling. Or is it what the media says we should be feeling? Next we can look at the connection between rage, anger and fear.

First I want to give you my definition of rage based on over 25 years as a psychotherapist, communication coach and workplace trainer.

Rage is 'Anger with a History'
In my writing and speaking programs I define rage as 'anger with a history.' Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

A distressing event in the present can become unbearable when it reminds you of past painful experiences. These negative events collect in your memory. Before you know it, you’re overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss. Road rage is a good example of how easily folks can overreact. http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_roadrage.htm

If you are aware when your anger moves into rage, you might be able to slow down the process. Ask yourself if you are reminded of an incident from your history. Does it conjure up images when a parent or teacher did not support or defend you? Or times when peers treated you unfairly. Or times somebody important disappointed you terribly.

Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
Even though rage is 'anger with a history,' it is still anger. Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear.

When you find yourself angry ask yourself:
"What am I afraid of?"
"What might happen?"
Once you begin to get a handle on it, write it down. Then read it out loud to yourself:

"I’m afraid that _____________."

Hearing yourself say the words gives form, shape, color, and texture to the fear and makes it more manageable.

Fear and anger are connected emotions. The 'Flight or Fight' response to stress shows how this is so. When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We protect ourselves from harm by running and hiding (flight) or by becoming angry and aggressive (fight).

We can also see the connection between fear and anger in other aggressive behaviors. The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability.

Anger (within reason) can be a good balance to fear. Anger is energizing whereas fear is energy draining. Anger at the AIG bailout and bonuses may be serving a useful purpose. It may serve to energize folks when they are feeling depleted, depressed, helpless or immobilized by the economic situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the scariest of all for some of us.

So let's talk a little about fears in this shaky economy.

Apprehension seems to be touching just about everyone. It's contagious. One person catches it from another. How is it affecting you? As anxiety grows, a kind of paralysis sets in. You may feel helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. It's sometimes hard to think or act.

Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering.

Loss permeates all of this. Loss of jobs is accompanied by loss of income and loss of identity. Loss of homes or savings is permeated with loss of security and loss of well being. And for some, there is a loss of hope.

Coming face to face with loss and the fear of loss is difficult. This becomes even more complicated if it reminds you of a painful loss from your early years.

Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
Unmet expectations are another form of loss. As a child did you feel disappointed in someone or something? Perhaps someone made a promise they didn't deliver on. Or you didn't feel supported or defended in the face of perceived danger. Or you found out you couldn't count on someone you thought you could trust. These experiences stockpile, just waiting for the next disappointment to occur.

Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal? And then we watch them tumble off. Splat.

Thinking positively and having hope is constructive. We just have to keep our expectations realistic. When they are too big they come crashing down to reality. Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we're too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Loss of Trust
Another loss you may be struggling with is loss of trust. This includes the powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal. Can you see how losing your job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? If you trusted promises of security that don't materialize, it may feel like betrayal.

Loss Feels Like Rejection
There's another layer of complexity here. Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling "dissed" in some way: Disrespected for sure. Also dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or dishonored.

When you are wounded at such a deep place, it's hard not to take it personally.

You may perceive yourself to be a target. You tend to see someone's actions as a personal affront. You feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. This is what taking it personally is all about.

And because taking things personally is related to feeling rejected in some way, you may find your fear of rejection intensifies as well.

When you feel an injustice has been done, you may fear getting hurt again. The hurt may become anger and resentment. When old feelings of injustices from the past bubble up as well, the anger can turn into rage.

Since fear is the underbelly of anger, finding ways to cope with your fear is a good beginning.

Tips for Coping with Fear
- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out with someone if possible. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

- Make a plan. It provides structure and reassurance.

- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Master Yoda says, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

More on our fears and their childhood roots next month. With more tips, too. (Unless something else in the news calls out for attention again.)

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Posted at 02:31 PM in Anger, Anxiety, Bullying, Current Affairs, Disappointments, Fear, Fight, Flight or Freeze, Loss, Politics, Rage, Rejection, Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

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