Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Seeking Respect in a Dissing Kind of World

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

I’m writing today about RESPECT and how important it is for our relationships to be running smoothly: Personal, Workplace and as we have been seeing lately, Political.

 

However, respectful interactions seem to be more and more infrequent. A lack of respect seems to be permeating our homes and country and our world.

 

When I’m working with clients — workplace or couples or families lately I’m noticing that respect has become frayed and tattered and torn and sometimes practically non-existent.

 

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings and anger and resentment seem to be filling the space and there is barely room for connection.

 

Isomorphism/Parallel Process

 

Like me, many of you, may have grown up in a confusing and chaotic environment of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

And all too often these many years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of the lack of respect in the world. I hate the way I seem to be absorbing it. And it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing increased contentious behaviors in your family or work? Or have you found yourself reactive and losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

 

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One context morphs into another — taking on similar properties. 

 

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by the other.

 

We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

We tend to look to our community and state and country and world leaders for direction and modeling.

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

 

When various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty, this is isomorphism.

 

When there is a culture of disrespect that affects regional or national or global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated and influenced by the negative qualities and actions of our leaders this is isomorphism. 

 

Can you see how this culture of disrespect, attitude, character and temperament can trickle down to family, business and even global interactions.

 

And there is something highly contagious about this kind of volatile, contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.

 

Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Let’s take a look at how Psychological Projection and Isomorphism/Parallel Process often accompany each other and result in boundary confusion.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

 

Psychological projection – The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

The other person may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

If our family or peers or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

 

And if they do start to pop up, they can make us really nervous.

 

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to another person or group.

 

We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

 

Have you noticed how traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself?

 

These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

 

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can often rid yourself of the anxiety that it brings up.

 

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

 

Psychological projection exists in our personal and professional relationships . . . and seemingly in the political arena as well.

 

We see it in politics all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, the economic crisis, influence peddling, secret money deals, negative ads.

 

A recent example is the accusation by Congressman James Comer, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, about a $200,000 check and a $40,000 check written to Joe Biden by his brother’s wife which are notated as a repayment of loans.

 

The committee chair is accusing that the check is a secret payment for some sort of influence peddling of the Biden name. There are copies of both checks on file stating the transaction is repayment of two loans that Joe Biden had earlier wired separately to his brother.

 

Interestingly, reporters have recently discovered there happens to also be an exchange of $200,000 between the Chairman and his own brother regarding what appears to be questionable real estate dealings.

 

I can’t help but wonder if the Chairman might be feeling guilty about his own family transactions and projecting his guilt onto the Biden family! Some reporters are talking about doing more scratching below the surface.

 

Oh my — how did our world lose its grip on acting respectfully and on the ability to be empathic?

 

How did so many of us turn into angry, volatile, resentful, disrespectful human beings?

 

It IS often a struggle not to take these words and actions personally when we feel in our gut that they are meant to be hurtful and degrading and and especially when they are retaliatory for even a small perceived slight.

 

I honestly think that it mostly has to do with the process of absorbing mean-spirited attitudes from the people around us — especially from our leaders.

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest offices in the land to act out in similar ways to what we have observed happening a few years ago in the White House and more recently in Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety and honesty.

 

It’s hard to ignore the rampant disrespect being flung about every day — taunting, smearing, mocking, insulting, attacking . . . and bullying.

 

Bullying is Incredibly Disrespectful

 

On a personal note, I find myself having a visceral response when I hear our elected officers resorting to name-calling to try to get under each others skin.

 

I was often subjected to this kind of taunting behavior in grade and high school.

 

I hated being the brunt of bullying back then — i always hoping for protection from the grownups, which didn’t happen. I didn’t feel safe in those days and a replay of that anxiety tends to creep in now.

 

Hearing all this present day political bullying makes me cringe. The taunting makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Too many hurtful childhood memories here, I guess.

 

Bullies tend to puff themselves up when they are feeling unsure, insignificant, anxious, vulnerable or fearful. Folks tend to inflate themselves in different ways – bragging or boasting, self-absorption and needing to be filled with a sense of self-importance.

 

A popular way of inflating oneself is by disrespectfully diminishing the other person through put-downs, insults and mockery.

 

Demonizing and Weaponizing

 

So many folks find themselves demonizing and weaponizing these days. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without disrespecting other points of view. It is a real challenge to try to talk issues and national and world events in an objective way.

 

But something bigger is going on.across several different contexts.

 

I’ve been a couples and family therapist for several decades. Mostly our sessions include difficult to discuss feelings and experiences. Because I teach respect, clients say being in the presence of the therapist (me) encourages their ability to express themselves on hard to talk about challenges. Even though Interactions include angry or hurtful feelings, they used to stay respectful of each other.

 

But something different has been happening the last few months! The respect that has accompanied sessions seems to be eroding. I’m hearing more hurtful, and mean-spirited and disrespectful language — yes, even vile!

 

What’s happening? My guess is that folks could be absorbing their language and lack of restraint from what they are witnessing from our political leaders.

 

I’d sure love to see more mirroring of respectful interactions.

 

I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects mostly positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives.

 

And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest offices in the land.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

[email protected]

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I really hate being lied to and I’m having a huge reaction to the blatant lying that’s going on politically.

 

I feel my stomach knotting up as I recall my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. 

 

Congressman-elect George Santos’ recently exposed lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.  

 

I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts. 

 

I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they have felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted. 

 

Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer. And some of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things, seeing the dismissal as a rejection and taking it personally.

 

And all too often all these years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

And I hated it when I told “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying! 

 

How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated! 

 

I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.

 

I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — to me it looked as good as store-bought. 

 

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.” 

 

I was stupefied. And then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her. 

If our impressions are invalidated and discounted, we learn to discount ourselves as well. And we begin to reject ourselves. 

 

It’s Like Traveling Through the Looking Glass and Falling Down the Rabbit Hole 

Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”

I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own observations and senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”

When I was able to put words to it, I realized our conversations were often a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention. 

There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define. 

It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. 

 

The Cheshire Cat nailed it: “We’re all crazy here.” 

 

And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience  –  complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts. And gaslighting. 

“You’re imagining it!”

“You didn’t hear me say that.”

“You must have misunderstood.”

“No, that’s not what you saw!”

“It’s all in your head.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

 

So, What Exactly is Gaslighting?

When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.

 

 

The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane. 

 

Gaslighting has become a popular term as described by Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include:

"saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth"

 

Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on. 

 

Todays popular term “gaslighting” has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.

 

What If Someone Believes Their Own Lies? 

Does repeating a lie make it appear true?

And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy? 

And what if when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.

 

Permission to Act Badly

How do folks think they can get away with this this kind of blatant lying? The answer is we watch toxic behavior of others and we copy it. It’s like they are giving us permission to act that way. Lying is a good example. 

 

Over the years I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from our political leaders into our workplace and personal lives.

 

Catching the Disrespect Virus

Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, and deflections. 

 

And there seems to be an inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

 

I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. 

 

I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. 

 

I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. 

 

As if someone said it’s OK. And by their actions and words they did sort of give permission. 

 

Could it be that many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? 

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by our former president, the person who used to hold highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in Congress.   Ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.

 

For many of us seeing these behaviors brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. 

 

For many of us it brings up old feelings of rejection. 

 

And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

 

Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads, and Covid.

 

My workplace and psychotherapy clients are experiencing effects of this and to be honest, it's really getting to me too. 

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. 

 

It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out. 

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of politicians, this is isomorphism. 

 

And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Politics have become so full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations I finding myself checking things out regularly with the AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck

Or with Politifact.com at

https://www.politifact.com

 

Interestingly, R.D. Laing's article on Mystification begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

 

I really don't like being fooled.

 

Now in this New Year, I’m hoping to hear more sincerity, honesty truth, and the ability to say, ”I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”

 

More about R.D.Laing’s work:

R.D. Laing: Mystification, Confusion and Conflict

http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm

More on Lying: When Does Lying Become Compulsive or Pathological?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/deliberately-untruthful-normal-vs-abnormal-lying

 

Sending you Warm Wishes for a Happy New Year!

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 
 Whenever I want to duck and run for cover to escape all that toxic emotional debris out there, it helps to remind myself about the concept of 'isomorphism’ – where patterns repeat from one setting to another.

I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from Congress and the White House into our workplace and personal lives.

Perhaps you will be better able to understand why many of us feel so personally assaulted by the barrage of inappropriate behaviors.

Perhaps these ideas can be helpful to you as well in navigating difficult times.

 

Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, deflections, and the inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.

I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. And there seems to be more lying –– especially in the workplace. As if someone said it’s OK. Recently I blogged about my own reaction to alternative facts and lying.

A recent study by the Workplace Bullying Institute asked: How did the presidential and congressional elections of 2016 affect relationships in American workplaces? And 46% of Americans say that the brutish campaigns leading to the 2016 election did negatively impact the workplace.

And in June I blogged about my own embarrassing public temper tantrum, when I Totally Lost It! when I knew exactly what was getting triggered but chose to go ahead with my tirade anyway. Kind of like I had been given permission to exhibit out-of-control behavior.

Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual?

Could it be many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in the White House and Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.

What Is All This Mirroring About?

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out.

When attitude, character and temperament from the White House seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.
When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism.
When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of Congress and the White House, this is isomorphism.

And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.

Sudden Disappearances - They’re dropping like flies

And just as the White House has lost quite few cabinet members and appointees by firings and resignations, I’m hearing the same thing is happening in businesses and organizations.

There have been over two dozen early departures from the Trump Administration in these first eight months: six people were fired, several were ‘reassigned,’ one was ‘mutually agreed upon’ and one reason for leaving was ‘unclear.’

The disappearances include two different directors of communications, White House chief of staff, deputy White House chief of staff, special advisor to the president, chief strategist, the national security advisor, National Security Council Middle East advisor, National Security Council senior director for Western Hemisphere affairs, FBI director, Assistant press secretary, White House press secretary, White House director of communications, director of the Office of Government Ethics, deputy national security advisor, U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, White House chief usher, and the acting attorney general.

Wow. That's a big bunch of people!

Many of these positions lasted about 200 days or less! Five lasted less than a month. And all this during the first eight months of this Administration! As the saying says, “They’re dropping like flies.”

http://www.latimes.com/projects/la-na-pol-trump-firings-resignations/

In addition, about a dozen advisory council members resigned leading to the manufacturing council and the strategy and policy forum dissolving.

You may also be aware many State Department and Foreign Service diplomats have left including the undersecretary of state for management. There are three new State Department resignation announcements so far this week.

Will Secretary of State Rex Tillerson be leaving too, as rumored? According to Newsweek, ex-colleagues say the situation is being described as “chaos" and a "disaster."

http://www.newsweek.com/trump-tillerson-resignation-shakeup-state-department-chaos-644242

Watching this disarray happen across all of these venues leaves me with a feeling of insecurity and apprehension.
I’m hearing about chaos in businesses and organizations where there have been lots of resignations and replacements. in fact, I’m hearing how people are ‘disappearing’ at work. Overnight their desks are cleaned out and they are gone — sometimes without a chance for goodbye.

You can imagine how those of us sensitive to loss and abandonment might react to this!
Feelings of impermanence are scary for many of us. How will this affect us in both work and personal relationships?

When Isomorphism Hits Close to Home

Disarray and chaos seem to be mirrored in recent interactions of my local 700 member professional organization of therapists.

Recently several members of the Board of Directors resigned. And because of shockingly disrespectful name-calling and in-fighting behavior in meetings and on our list serve, we are losing members as well.

A ‘survey’ was sent to members via Survey Monkey asking about continued affiliation with our State organization. “We want your opinion. We're conducting a survey and your input would be appreciated. Thank you for your participation.” 

Can you imagine how surprised many of us were upon being told this was intended to be an actual vote? Actually the results were a tie but the Board of Directors proceeded anyway to make plans to separate from the state organization and start a new organization.

To be honest, I felt hoodwinked and wanted to see the Board members take responsibility, say they made a mistake in the wording, and do a re-do where members would be advised it is an actual vote to disaffiliate or not.

And to make matters worse in my view, the Board blamed the Survey Monkey confusion on the previous administrative assistant. What a reflection of the blame game going on in the Oval Office. Taylor Swift sums it up pretty well as the refrain repeats and repeats in her new single: “Look What You Made Me Do.”

When they decided not to redo the vote, anger bubbled up in the membership and the name-calling began. The atmosphere became disrespectful, polarized and toxic.

What is happening in my professional organization is a good example of how various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty.

I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives. And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest office in the land.

I know I would feel a lot more secure.

Do you have any of the experiences or reactions I’ve just described?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Baiting and Bashing ‘Yo Mama’ Style –– The 2016 Campaign

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It’s hard to ignore the rampant disrespect coming out of these presidential campaigns – taunting, smearing, mocking, insulting, attacking, and bullying.

Did you ever in your wildest imaginings think we’d be getting a daily dose of spouse-bashing accusations from presidential candidates?  

 

“Yo Mama’s So Nasty . . .” 

    

Kind of reminds me of the “yo mama” trash talk I grew up with in my grandma’s neighborhood in D.C. –– “Yo Mama’s so ugly ...”   “Yo Mama’s so fat ...”  “Yo Mama so stupid ...    ”

Even as a child I sensed these insults were meant to be cruel. It was years later that I understood how misogynistic they were.  

On a personal note, I was often subjected to this kind of taunting behavior in grade and high school. I hated it.  Being the brunt of bullying back then and hoping for protection from the grownups, I just don’t feel safe when I hear our presidential candidates        resorting to name-calling to get under each others skin.

Bullies puff themselves up when they are feeling unsure, insignificant, anxious, vulnerable or fearful. People inflate themselves in different ways – bragging or boasting, being self-absorbed and filled with a sense of self importance, and by diminishing the other person through insults and mockery.

When goings-on like these become upsetting to me, it helps to put words to it. Some of my workplace and therapy clients are also expressing discomfort with the escalating personal attacks. It brings up uncomfortable childhood memories for them too.
 
(More about bullies below.)

Are Personal Attacks Becoming a Meme?

I am finding it increasingly difficult to be a curious bystander to this behavior even though it sometimes verges on having voyeuristic overtones. The bullying aspects make me cringe. The taunting makes me sick to my stomach. Too many childhood memories here, I guess.

And what about you? How are you reacting to these goings on?  Can you watch from the sidelines? Or do you, too, have a visceral reaction?

You could say the “Yo Mama” contests have become a meme — spreading from person to person and, in a way, designing it’s own culture over the years.

There is much about behaviors in the 2016 campaigning that is meme-like as well. Over the years in these blogs I’ve written about the systems theory of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘social contagion’ or ‘parallel process.’)

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by another. We pick up the energy of others and imitate it. One context morphs into another.

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car— right before your eyes.

We can see this in how a candidate’s attitude, character and temperament can trickle down to staff and to the voters. We can see it when this culture of disrespect trickles down to family, business and even global interactions.

There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. I’d love to see the same kind of transmittal and a mirroring of respectful interactions. It would feel a lot safer to me.

(More about isomorphism below.)

“A Cultural Experiment Gone Wrong . . .”

Meme-like, disrespect seems to be permeating society in an isomorphic sort of way.  A recent example is how Internet users turned the Tay chatbot into what Microsoft termed “a tool of abuse.” Created for “entertainment purposes” Tay “tweeted wildly inappropriate and reprehensible words and images.”
Using the ‘repeat after me’ command where Tay parroted what users told her to say –– resulted in often inappropriate, vitriolic, racial, genocidal, and misogynistic rants.

(More about Tay chatbot below,)

As PC World points out: ”A cultural experiment gone wrong . . .”
Hmmmm. Could this have been a reflection of the 2016 presidential campaign in an isomorphic sort of way?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

A note: Some of you  occasionally call me out for being “too political.”  

I try to stay away from taking sides. It’s just that some candidates over the years have provided such an abundance of material for me to write about. It’s hard to resist!

I also get emails from subscribers living in other countries telling me they sometimes are not interested in reading about campaigning in the USA. I hope they can look past the personalities when I use headlines  as a jumping off place to discuss the many faces of rejection, self-rejection, disappointment, taking things personally, and yes, self-acceptance. The www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com blog archives is chock-full of these subjects.

Until next month,
Elayne

More on isomorphism: “On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round”
hhttp://bit.ly/1qa5ERt

More on Microsoft’s Tay chatbot:
http://www.pcworld.com/article/3047823/internet/microsoft-says-its-making-adjustments-to-tay-chatbot-after-internet-abuse.html

More on Bullies and Bullying: : “Just a Little Locker Room Humor”
http://bit.ly/1e4YJNM

More on growing up near the Navy Yard on 7th and L streets in DC
http://bit.ly/1LSBKex

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

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You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
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www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
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Chris Christie and His Inner Circle: Taking Things Personally Big Time

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I have to admit I've been totally enthralled by the taking it personally aspects of the George Washington Bridge lane closure controversy. As you may be aware, the closures caused traffic jams for 4 days on the busiest bridge in the world.

And it's becoming an exciting whodunit ever since subpoenaed documents show the closures appear to be ordered by high ranking staff in Governor Chris Christie's office.

I got hooked when I read a NYT article about bulling in late December and commented online. (You'll find this and other timeline and background links below.)

I actually started writing this blog that day in December, but had not sent it out before now because every day the story leaps ahead with new twists and turns.

I don't mean for my observations to be taken as a political statement. It's mostly musings about the frailty of human nature, how easy it is to take things personally and the trouble it tends to creates when things get out of hand.

I would be most interested in your ideas on the state of affairs in the State of New Jersey – and on this kind of  political climate that tends to exist in general.

Taking Things Personally Can Lead to Big Problems

Perhaps you know as well as I, how taking things personally often leads to overreactions – some of which we may come to regret. Mr. Christie's staff appears to be finding this out the hard way.

When we take something personally we perceive someone's actions as a personal affront.  We feel slighted or wronged or attacked. We might feel something is unfair. Sometimes it seems others are taking sides or are out to get us. Perhaps we feel someone is disloyal and we feel betrayed.  Any of these experiences can lead to an overreaction.

We don't know exactly what happened to prompt Bridget Anne Kelly, Gov. Christie's deputy chief of staff, to e-mail David Wildstein on August 13, “Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee."

Wildstein, a long-time acquaintance of and top Christie appointee at the Port Authority immediately answered, "Got it."

Three weeks after this e-mail exchange, two of the three access lanes from Fort Lee onto the bridge were shut down – with no prior warning to motorists.

What resulted was an hours-long traffic jam on the bridge and across the city of Fort Lee that continued for four days. People were late for work, emergency responders were delayed, kids missed much of the morning on the first day of the school year.

Who knows how long the lane closures would have gone on if Port Authority Executive Director Patrick Foye had not ordered the closures lifted saying they jeopardized public safety.

David Wildstein cynically dismissed how children were stuck for hours on school buses. He was texting how it didn't matter because “They are the children of Buono voters." (Barbara Buono was running against Mr. Christie in the upcoming November gubernatorial election.)

I was really affected by the school bus aspect. I think it was because I found myself identifying with the anxiety many of those kids must have been feeling while stuck on a bus for hours on the first day of school.

So far several folks have lost their jobs and political appointments. Bill Baroni, the Deputy Executive Director of the Port Authority and David Wildstein have resigned.  Bill Stepian, Mr. Christie's key advisor and Bridget Anne Kelly were fired.

Many others are being investigated and have been subpoenaed by State Commissions, Federal Investigators or both.

Is Chris Christie Taking It Personally that Folks Are Disloyal to Him?

It is interesting that the reason given by Mr. Christie for firing Bridget Kelly was not because she initiated an action that hurt thousands of people over those four days. No. In fact he announced "I terminated the employment of Bridget Kelly because she lied to me."

Because she lied to him?

Mr. Christie describes being "sad" and "heartbroken" that his people in his "circle of trust" had betrayed him: "It is heartbreaking to me that I wasn't told the truth. I'm a very loyal guy, and I expect loyalty in return. And lying to me is not an exhibition of loyalty."

Hmmmmmm. Another example of the me, me, me flavor of Mr. Christie's tendency to take things personally, big time.

And now more allegations of pressuring are surfacing related to the 'abuse of power' in Gov. Christie's office: Dawn Zimmer, the Mayor of Hoboken, and Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis are speaking out. (See links below.)

Who else might decide to speak out tomorrow?

There are state and federal investigations beginning and every day new documents and people are being subpoenaed.

It must be especially difficult for the governor to have the US Attorney's Office investigate his campaign and office staff – when only a few years ago Mr. Christie himself was the New Jersey US Attorney.

So what led Mr. Christie and his staff to end up in this mess?

How Did This Happen? And Why? And By Who?

Is there a plausible explanation for initiation of the e-mails between Bridget Anne Kelly and David Wildstein? What conversations came before those emails? Was there a plan? If so, what was it? Who knew about it?

Chris Christie has been described as a 'hands on' politician. However these days he has been putting much energy into emphasizing how 'hands off' his governing style really is.

At first he insisted his staff had nothing to do with the lane closings. Now that subpoenaed records show otherwise, he states he knew nothing about any plan to disrupt traffic on the bridge.

Another observation about the way Mr. Christie governs: It has  been reported that he "rewards loyalty and metes out retribution for even minor slights."

Again we see what can happen when Chris Christie takes things personally!

Let's Speculate About How It Played Out

Let's say Gov. Christie did not know his staff was devising a plan to interfere with traffic on the George Washington Bridge.
 
What are possible explanations for what happened and why? Well it's a good guess I see several scenarios connected to taking things personally.

The media has been leaning toward two theories: First, that Gov. Christie and staff were upset at the perceived rebuff by Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich who  did not endorse Mr.Christie for governor. Were they getting back at him by backing up traffic throughout the 3 sq. miles of Fort Lee for 4 days?

Did this start out as a retaliatory prank and did it turn into more than they bargained for?

Another  media speculation is that the closures were a power play having to do with the Hudson Lights billion dollar project at the foot of the bridge. A project vitally important to Mayor Sokolich and Fort Lee.

By showing how easily Gov. Christie could disrupt commute traffic on the Fort Lee side of the bridge, funding for the project might be threatened.

Wow, see what we can do to your prize project if you dare to cross us!

I have my own hypothesis. Perhaps there was a problem with personal boundaries and the governor's aides got a bit  mixed up about what feelings belong to who. In their efforts to protect their special person maybe they took the Fort Lee mayor's rebuff of the governor personally. Maybe they were thinking a clever payback would be to retaliate against Fort Lee and its Mayor. What a great way to show support to their boss!.

If so, what a classic example of confused boundaries - being unable to differentiate what feelings belong to whom. Not being clear on where one person ends and the other begins.

OR, as many political insiders are asking "Did Chris Christie foster a culture where vindictiveness and retribution became acceptable behavior? Perhaps there has been certain permission given by prior example, where Gov. Christie's staff understands it's OK to retaliate.

"Organizations Inherit the Personality and Moral Ethics of the Person at the Very Top"

On occasion in this blog, I've described  the concept of isomorphism where one context replicates another. Sometimes this idea is referred to as 'parallel process' or 'social contagion'. In this case it would be the administrative staff's actions being similar to those of their boss.

You’ve probably noticed how some images in television commercials morph from one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car – right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with certain interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.

This is “isomorphism,”where the  character and values of the leader trickles down to staff.  I see it all the time with my workplace coaching clients.

According to my colleague, Allen Roland (AllenRoland.com) Rivero's Rule of mass morals: sums it up:  "organizations will eventually reflect the moral character, values and ethics of the person at the very top."  

"I Am Who I Am – But I Am Not a Bully"

Well, I guess that depends on how Mr. Christie defines 'bully.' Does he recognize his own history of intimidating, punishing tactics when he believes someone is disloyal to him?

The New York Times detailed several politicians who have been on the receiving end of retaliatory tactics after disagreements with Mr. Christie. "In almost every case, Mr. Christie waved off any suggestion that he had meted out retribution. But to many, the incidents have left that impression, and it has been just as powerful in scaring off others who might dare to cross him." (See link below.)

Let's talk about bullying and how it is connected to the the kind of Abuse of Power many observers are saying exists in the Governor's office.

The Abuse of Power

From Wikipedia:
Abuse of power, in the form of "malfeasance in office" or "official misconduct," is the commission of an unlawful act, done in an official capacity, which affects the performance of official duties. Malfeasance in office is often grounds for a for cause removal of an elected official by statute or recall election.

From BusinessDictionary.com
The act of using one’s position of power in an abusive way. This can take many forms such as taking advantage of someone, gaining access to information that shouldn’t be accessible to the public, or just manipulating someone with the ability to punish them if they don’t comply.

From LawDictionary.org
The basic abuse of power that can occur when they become too manipulative with those around them and the trust given to them.

I see Abuse of Power as connected to the intimidation and fear that can arise from situations where there is an Imbalance of Power.

The Imbalance of Power

From www.stopbullying.gov/
Imbalance of power: "Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior  . . . that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time."

One of the books assigned in my first psychotherapy graduate program was 'Power in the Helping Professions.'  It's been on my bookshelf over 30 years and I often re-read it  to remind myself how easily (and subtly) power can be misused and abused.

As a workplace consultant, I've heard hundreds of stories describing unreasonable demands and harassment of the "this is what you have to do to keep your job" genre.

"I am who I am," Gov. Christie declared, "but I am not a bully."

Really? Gov. Christie, please explain your statement to me!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And to you out there, I would love to hear your ideas and comments!

Here are some helpful links if you want more information:

Timeline of the George Washington Bridge saga:  http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2014/01/timeline_of_the_port_authoritys_george_washington_bridge_lane_closure_controversy.html#incart_big-photo

Background of the Lane Closure: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/13/nyregion/a-bridge-to-scandal-behind-the-fort-lee-ruse.html?_r=1

Subpoenaed documents: http://articles.philly.com/2014-01-12/news/46092794_1_david-wildstein-traffic-study-port-authority#ugUojqJejUBjSWZ6.99

The Wall Street Journal has been reporting on this story since November. http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304448204579184030525950894

For copies of the documents released on 1/10/14: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303393804579314500006896102?mod=trending_now_3

Bullying: From the 12/24/13 issue of the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/25/nyregion/accounts-of-petty-retribution-reinforce-christies-bullying-image.html

Elayne Savage's comment on taking things personally, NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/25/nyregion/accounts-of-petty-retribution-reinforce-christies-bullying-image.html?comments#permid=10808378

Dawn Zimmer allegations: www.cnn.com/2014/01/20/politics/who-is-dawn-zimmer/

Carl Lewis allegations: www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/jan/21/olympian-carl-lewis-claims-chris-christie-toppled-/

More blog posts on Bullying: www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Related articles

Emails link Chris Christie's staff to bridge closure in US

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been receiving e-mails about the polarity and negativity in this political campaign. Readers talk about the nasty and personal sniping, the name-calling and how there seems to be an unusual amount of viciousness in debates and advertising.

One woman wrote:  "Things are getting pretty ugly in the political sphere this election. It would be beneficial to get further perspective on ways to handle situations that are so negative."

"It is not just candidates who are negative. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without demonizing the other side. It is a real challenge to talk issues in a more objective way.

"A case in point is a close relative who keeps sending attacking political e-mail after I asked them to stop. How do you handle a person who insists upon talking politics when I have clearly stated I don't wish to discuss politics with them?  Where's a good starting point to deal with this issue?"

I do have some ideas of what may be going on here. This is not meant to be a political commentary. But rather, some observations on human nature.

Let's start with understanding 'isomorphism' and then move on to 'psychological projection.'

It is fascinating how some of our relatives or friends or neighbors appear to be taking on the negative qualities of the campaigners. And the media does the same!

The reader's example of pushy, negative comments is a terrific example of isomorphism (Sometimes referred to as  'parallel process' or 'social contagion.')

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another. It is when the energy from one context (for example political campaigners) is picked up and replicated in another context (for example voters.) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

This is what happens with certain interactions as well. In politics the character and temperament of a candidate trickles down to voters. There seem to be an influx of personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness and nastiness.

And of course this process also exists in personal and professional relationships.

Isomorphism is one way of explaining what may be going on in the realm of political nastiness. Psychological projection is another.

Psychological Projection: Spreading the Garbage Around

As the political attacks get more intensely personal and vicious every day, I wonder if there isn't some kind of personal flavor and investment in the accusations.

Could it be that the accuser is talking about their own flaws or shortcomings?

The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because they are blind spots for us and we need to disown them.

If our family or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

And if they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous.

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to others.

In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may fling these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we see ourselves.

In this primary election we hear accusations of being disreputable, corrupt and sexually inappropriate. We hear about infidelity, influence peddling, corporate shilling, dishonesty, and vicious whisper campaigns.

Some scratching below the surface and a little research might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

I'm not making a political statement here. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout quite a few primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in other blogs.

Have you noticed it too? Is it my imagination or does it seem to get worse with each new campaign?

I'd love to hear your comments. You can write to me at
[email protected]

Psychological projection does not just exist in political campaigns. It is all too common in our personal and professional relationships as well.

Have you noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can rid yourself of the anxiety it brings up.

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

A client says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

"Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

It's Hard Not to Take Finger Pointing Personally

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

It's no wonder the onslaught of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my coaching and therapy clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that the other three fingers are actually pointing right back at the accuser. The SNL folks sure got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
 
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in many relationships. It helps when we can get a handle on it.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Would love to hear your ideas. [email protected]

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round — Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
     Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally
 2. Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens
 3. A Trainload of Personal Attacks
 4. And Then There's the Lying
 5. Bullying Someone into Action
 6. Threats and Fear
 7. The Scariness of Unpredictability
 8. Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
 9. "You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
10. The Trickle-Down effect
11. "What's Going to Happen to Me?"
12 . Contacting Elayne
13 . Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes my head swim. There's a creepy rejection and deception energy swirling around as we lurch through this election campaign. It has an unsettling effect on me. I feel confused. Uneasy. Queasy. Scared.

Moreover, I'm realizing I seem to be absorbing this negativity. and it is polluting my work and personal relationships.

I'm hearing similar musings from my coaching and psychotherapy clients, friends and colleagues. They talk about being uncomfortable, "off kilter," "filled with dread." I hear phrases like:  "it's crazy-making," and "it feels like a kick in the gut." They talk about how snippy and snarly they have been with other people at home, in the workplace, in the marketplace. 

Me too. I seem to be edgy, taking things personally. Losing my cool.

Then I got it. It's the Political Campaign. We're reacting to and reflecting the outrageous behaviors and misbehaviors.  Picking up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitating it.

I began thinking this through, looking for the causes of these uncomfortable behaviors folks are describing.

Writing about it helps. Why not share my thoughts and feelings with you. so I include here a bit of an overview of some ideas I've been thinking about.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement. My descriptions are my impressions of some behaviors that appear to  exist and how they affect us.

I'm thinking that giving language and form to some of the  feelings that could be surfacing, may help us get through the election and beyond.

Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens

So I took out my trusty through the rejection-lens and studied the creature. Up close and personal. That's the problem of course. There is way too much up close and personal in this campaign. There is an uncomfortable amount of in-your-face onslaught.

In the January 2008 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®, I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.

I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.'  More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html

When I wrote those words during the primaries, I didn't dream how much the viciousness of the attacks would escalate.

A Trainload of Personal Attacks

I've never seen an election like this one and it's really getting to me. every day I I feel contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others.

Maybe you, too, find yourself reacting the way I do to this bombardment of rejection messages. And every hour of every day the press reports these out of control behaviors.

'Mocking' is the Word du Jour. But last week and the week before there were lots of other rejection words: Belittling, Scoffing, Slighting, Insulting, Faulting, Deceiving. Accusing, Attacking, Criticizing. 

Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising and the dozens of others.

The common denominator of these words is rejection. And rejection hurts.

I cringe when I hear these stories of people disrespecting each other like this. It makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up on the receiving end of subtle and not-so-subtle rejection messages. From family, teachers and peers. Perhaps you did too.

And Then There's the Lying

I used to hate it when I was lied to as a kid. I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I'd give myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth.

I was unbelievably sensitive to lying when I was a child. I remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know.  But it wasn't easier for me.

I never quite forgave my father for that.

This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I even  find myself checking things out with FactCheck.org every day.

Bullying Someone into Action

The current crisis of the economy reminds me of another critical message from long ago. Someone would be commanding me to "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up."  In order to please and not get into trouble, some of us felt the need to drop everything and rush to action or into a decision.

My own discomfort rises as I watch congress feel the need to "hurry up." My stomach knots up at the memory.

Threats and Fear

It's not too hard for me to become fearful when something sounds like a threat. I grew up with lots of that. "If you don't behave, I'll leave you in the department store." or "Wait until your father gets home."

As you can imagine, fear-based campaigning has a potent effect on me. It sends shivers up my spine. It messes with my sense of security. And affects how I
interact with others in my life.

The Scariness of Unpredictability

If you ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you know how it feels to be afraid.

This campaign has surely had its twists and turns and excitement. However sometimes the line gets crossed with a bit too much drama. Frankly, I can do without it. It's a little too reminiscent of my growing up experiences. Sheesh.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Another way this election is getting to me concerns the evasions, deflections and distractions. Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

My brother Lee and I would joke that our father sometimes talked like he had a mouth full of cotton. Insulating and sound-proofing himself.

I find the attempts at election event postponements quite irritating. And many of my clients say it troubles them as well. Postponements are disappointing. And disappointments feel like rejections. Especially when we have certain expectations and are looking forward to something.

Some of my clients are reminded of growing up in a divorced household. They remember how they'd look forward to a visit from mom or dad. And when it got postponed and didn't materialize, it was devastating. There's that self-rejecting message again: "They don't care enough. I'm not worth it. I'm no good."

"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."

For me, the most uncomfortable and confusing part  of this whole surreal election drama is the repeated denial of present and previous statements and actions.

Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.

It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was putting cotton in my ears or pulling the wool over my eyes.

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.

The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. You might say this inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.'

Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ." 

I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. Certainly brings up feelings of rejection. And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

This behavior has been recently referred to as "gaslighting.'

The Trickle-Down Effect

When I'm feeling affected by what the world is throwing at me, it helps a lot to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' (Similar terms are 'parallel process' and 'social contagion.')

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well.  One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it. 

This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate.

Allen Roland - http://www.AllenRoland.com - calls this Rivero's Rule of mass morals. Where "organizations inherit the personality and moral ethics of the person at the very top." 

"What's Going to Happen to Me?"

The way I look at it, here is the bottom line for many of us. The experience of this campaign is similar to that of a child when parents are arguing, hurling insults, hurting each other. And in the child's mind, the family is falling apart right before their eyes. This is a very devastating time this can be.

And the child wonders, "What's going to happen to me?"

© Elayne Savage, PhD

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

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