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ELAYNE SAVAGE
Entries categorized "Lying and Liars"
January 31, 2023
December 31, 2022
Liar, Liar Pants on Fire
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I really hate being lied to and I’m having a huge reaction to the blatant lying that’s going on politically.
I feel my stomach knotting up as I recall my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up.
Congressman-elect George Santos’ recently exposed lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.
I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.
As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts.
I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they have felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted.
Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer. And some of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things, seeing the dismissal as a rejection and taking it personally.
And all too often all these years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
And I hated it when I told “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying!
How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated!
I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.
I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — to me it looked as good as store-bought.
I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.”
I was stupefied. And then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her.
If our impressions are invalidated and discounted, we learn to discount ourselves as well. And we begin to reject ourselves.
It’s Like Traveling Through the Looking Glass and Falling Down the Rabbit Hole
Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”
I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own observations and senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”
When I was able to put words to it, I realized our conversations were often a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention.
There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.
It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality.
The Cheshire Cat nailed it: “We’re all crazy here.”
And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience – complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts. And gaslighting.
“You’re imagining it!”
“You didn’t hear me say that.”
“You must have misunderstood.”
“No, that’s not what you saw!”
“It’s all in your head.”
“What? Are you crazy?”
So, What Exactly is Gaslighting?
When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.
The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane.
Gaslighting has become a popular term as described by Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include:
"saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth"
Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on.
Todays popular term “gaslighting” has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.
What If Someone Believes Their Own Lies?
Does repeating a lie make it appear true?
And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy?
And what if when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.
Permission to Act Badly
How do folks think they can get away with this this kind of blatant lying? The answer is we watch toxic behavior of others and we copy it. It’s like they are giving us permission to act that way. Lying is a good example.
Over the years I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from our political leaders into our workplace and personal lives.
Catching the Disrespect Virus
Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, and deflections.
And there seems to be an inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”
I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues.
I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten.
I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members.
As if someone said it’s OK. And by their actions and words they did sort of give permission.
Could it be that many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
It’s as if we are being given permission by our former president, the person who used to hold highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in Congress. Ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.
For many of us seeing these behaviors brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation.
For many of us it brings up old feelings of rejection.
And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.
Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.
Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making
Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations.
They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.
We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads, and Covid.
My workplace and psychotherapy clients are experiencing effects of this and to be honest, it's really getting to me too.
Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.
Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual?
What Is All This Mirroring About?
It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)
You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.
Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties.
It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out.
When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.
When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism.
When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of politicians, this is isomorphism.
And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
Politics have become so full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations I finding myself checking things out regularly with the AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck
Or with Politifact.com at
Interestingly, R.D. Laing's article on Mystification begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."
I really don't like being fooled.
Now in this New Year, I’m hoping to hear more sincerity, honesty truth, and the ability to say, ”I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”
More about R.D.Laing’s work:
R.D. Laing: Mystification, Confusion and Conflict
http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm
More on Lying: When Does Lying Become Compulsive or Pathological?
https://psychcentral.com/blog/deliberately-untruthful-normal-vs-abnormal-lying
Sending you Warm Wishes for a Happy New Year!
Until next month,
Elayne
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August 31, 2020
Gaslighting –– the Ultimate Alternate Reality
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
Misrepresented or untrue statements from both Conventions have been really difficult for me to hear. It feels like a punch to the gut and is totally crazy-making.
My stomach knots up as I remember my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. And trying to figure out if I really did hear or see something and being told ‘“You’re imagining it. it’s all in your head!”
Hearing days of lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy during this especially savage campaigning brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.
“You’re imagining it!”
“You didn’t hear me say that.”
“You must have misunderstood.”
“No, that’s not what you saw!”
‘It’s all in your head.”
“What are you, crazy?”
Everything Up is Down
Being in my family was like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. And definitely crazy-making.
I remember how members of my family seemed to speak gibberish, not making much sense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to understand their meaning.
And yet there seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.
Many years later when I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, nonsense reasoning, evasiveness and deflections. AND a total denial of my observations and perceptions.
Then there was the accompanying drama and chaos to distract from goings-on that really needed attention and clarification.
When I Was a Kid I Hated Being Lied To –– And I Hate It Now Too
I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I was especially sensitive to lying even as a young child. I was probably about 3 or 4 and remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know. But it wasn't easier for me.
I never quite forgave my father for lying to me. I think that was the first time I gave myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth. There were many such self-deprecating messages over the years.
"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
For me, the most surreal, uncomfortable and confusing part of this whole election drama are the repeated denials of present and previous statements and actions.
Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.
It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was pulling the wool over my eyes. But I still watched Trust deteriorate.
Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."
Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.
The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. This inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.' Especially when someone discounts your and makes you feel bad and wrong to have your own ideas about what really happened.
Laing's article begins: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."
I don't like being fooled.
It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. It certainly brings up old feelings of rejection. And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.
These days these behaviors are referred to as ‘gaslighting.’
Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.
Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots,
We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads. And now they can blame each other about covid and protests.
In the January 2008 issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.”
I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.' More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html
And I wrote that almost 13 years ago!
Back when I wrote those words I didn't dream how much the viciousness of personal attacks would escalate.
It's really getting to me. Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.
'These last weeks there are lots of rejecting behavior: Mocking. Belittling. Scoffing. Criticizing. Slighting. Insulting. Faulting. Deceiving. Accusing. Attacking.
Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising dozens of others.
The common denominator of these words is rejection. And the opposite of disrespect of course is respect and sadly it seems to be missing.
And Exploitation, Too
I was stunned to see newly naturalized citizens showcased by President Trump as he presided over a White House ceremony – I guess to show his pro-Immigrant sentiment. They apparently were not notified that the videos were going to be used during the RNC programming. Not very respectful, was it?
The folks invited to speak about their concerns regarding the city’s housing authority, but that they were never told the video would be part of the Convention. Not very respectful, was it?
I’ve been interviewed many times on tape and video and my experience is that usually releases are signed to set forth the terms and conditions in which the people in the video agree to participate.
I’m particularly sensitive to exploitation from my own life and all the years I have worked with exploited children and adults as a social worker and in private practice.
Hmmmm. This exposure without informed consent sure feels a lot like exploitation to me.
The Trickle-Down Effect
When I'm feeling affected by what the world is tossing at me, it helps to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' You may know the concept as 'Parallel Process.'
You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.
Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other.
We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.
This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate. From one context to another.
And it seems to be trickling down to some of us as well –– I’m noticing how I am becoming more snippy, snarky, impatient and short-tempered. You too?
There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I’ve been finding myself checking things out every day with Find AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck
And yes, it is validating many of my perceptions.
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
I spent a couple of hours reading about both the DNC and RNC conventions on various Fact Check sites, Seems to me the Associated Press site is one of the most neutral so I'm quoting from it . . .
According to AP Fact Checks:
“Joe Biden and fellow Democrats spun an assortment of facts to their benefit in their national convention, omitting inconvenient truths such as Barack Obama’s record of aggressive deportations and swift action by a Republican president to save the auto industry more than a decade ago.”
Another example: “Michelle Obama assailed President Donald Trump on Monday for ripping migrant children from their parents and throwing them into cages, picking up on a frequent and distorted point made widely by Democrats.
She’s right that Trump’s now-suspended policy at the U.S.-Mexico border separated thousands of children from their families in ways that had not been done before. But what she did not say is that the very same “cages” were built and used in her husband’s administration, for the same purpose of holding migrant kids temporarily.”
“Meantime President Donald Trump flooded the zone with falsehoods, some so apparent that anyone with access to the internet could see the folly of them at a glance”.
Some examples: “President Trump claimed accomplishments he didn’t earn on the pandemic, energy and veterans at a Republican convention finale that also heard Black Lives Matter baselessly accused of coordinating violent protests across the country.”
“Vice President Mike Pence and fellow Republicans pressed a distorted case Wednesday that President Donald Trump took over a moribund economy from Barack Obama and supercharged it. That’s not what happened.”
“Speakers at the Republican National Convention also hailed Trump for protecting the health insurance of people with preexisting illness, flipping reality on its head as his administration tries to overturn the law that guarantees those protections.”
“A St. Louis lawyer featured during the Republican National Convention falsely claimed that Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden and his party want to ‘abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning.’”
“Biden does not propose banishing single-family homes. Nor would he get rid of the suburbs. “
Curious? Here are the links:
AP FACT CHECK: What the Dems didn't say, and what Trump did
https://apnews.com/e86b701ff234ec507f8e4059547a680b
AP FACT CHECK: Michelle Obama and the kids in ‘cages’
https://apnews.com/2663c84832a13cdd7a8233becfc7a5f3
AP FACT CHECK: Is US great again or dystopian? GOP says both
https://apnews.com/eebf6a1f6ce79cfc00456f27e8e928f7AP FACT
AP FACT CHECK: Trump distorts record; BLM falsely accused
https://apnews.com/699e0c893bfbd986cea11b6f403beb3e
AP FACT CHECK: GOP taps distortions to heap praise on Trump
https://apnews.com/7c6c47ba0bef4fb26ca667e4ea15e131
AP FACT CHECK: Biden’s stance on suburbs twisted at RNC
https://apnews.com/c38a662b153d953ab9fefa9d13ac4784
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Would really like to hear from you about your experience with all of this.
Stay safe out there . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 31, 2020
Making Someone Bad and Wrong
© Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning
Revisiting Childhood Messages
Let’s take a look at the concept of “good” and “bad” within families. In some families one child appears to be designated as the “good” one, while another child is thought of as “bad.”
Let’s talk about other ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.
Sometimes perceived slights morph into perceived enemies when we become suspicious of others' intentions.
"This is not about me. This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves. What might they be saying?“
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
August 31, 2017
When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Whenever I want to duck and run for cover to escape all that toxic emotional debris out there, it helps to remind myself about the concept of 'isomorphism’ – where patterns repeat from one setting to another.
I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from Congress and the White House into our workplace and personal lives.
Perhaps you will be better able to understand why many of us feel so personally assaulted by the barrage of inappropriate behaviors.
Perhaps these ideas can be helpful to you as well in navigating difficult times.
Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, deflections, and the inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.
I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. And there seems to be more lying –– especially in the workplace. As if someone said it’s OK. Recently I blogged about my own reaction to alternative facts and lying.
A recent study by the Workplace Bullying Institute asked: How did the presidential and congressional elections of 2016 affect relationships in American workplaces? And 46% of Americans say that the brutish campaigns leading to the 2016 election did negatively impact the workplace.
And in June I blogged about my own embarrassing public temper tantrum, when I Totally Lost It! when I knew exactly what was getting triggered but chose to go ahead with my tirade anyway. Kind of like I had been given permission to exhibit out-of-control behavior.
Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual?
Could it be many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in the White House and Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.
What Is All This Mirroring About?
It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’) You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.
Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out.
When attitude, character and temperament from the White House seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.
When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism.
When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of Congress and the White House, this is isomorphism.
And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.
Sudden Disappearances - They’re dropping like flies
And just as the White House has lost quite few cabinet members and appointees by firings and resignations, I’m hearing the same thing is happening in businesses and organizations.
There have been over two dozen early departures from the Trump Administration in these first eight months: six people were fired, several were ‘reassigned,’ one was ‘mutually agreed upon’ and one reason for leaving was ‘unclear.’
The disappearances include two different directors of communications, White House chief of staff, deputy White House chief of staff, special advisor to the president, chief strategist, the national security advisor, National Security Council Middle East advisor, National Security Council senior director for Western Hemisphere affairs, FBI director, Assistant press secretary, White House press secretary, White House director of communications, director of the Office of Government Ethics, deputy national security advisor, U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, White House chief usher, and the acting attorney general.
Wow. That's a big bunch of people!
Many of these positions lasted about 200 days or less! Five lasted less than a month. And all this during the first eight months of this Administration! As the saying says, “They’re dropping like flies.”
http://www.latimes.com/projects/la-na-pol-trump-firings-resignations/
In addition, about a dozen advisory council members resigned leading to the manufacturing council and the strategy and policy forum dissolving.
You may also be aware many State Department and Foreign Service diplomats have left including the undersecretary of state for management. There are three new State Department resignation announcements so far this week.
Will Secretary of State Rex Tillerson be leaving too, as rumored? According to Newsweek, ex-colleagues say the situation is being described as “chaos" and a "disaster."
http://www.newsweek.com/trump-tillerson-resignation-shakeup-state-department-chaos-644242
Watching this disarray happen across all of these venues leaves me with a feeling of insecurity and apprehension.
I’m hearing about chaos in businesses and organizations where there have been lots of resignations and replacements. in fact, I’m hearing how people are ‘disappearing’ at work. Overnight their desks are cleaned out and they are gone — sometimes without a chance for goodbye.
You can imagine how those of us sensitive to loss and abandonment might react to this!
Feelings of impermanence are scary for many of us. How will this affect us in both work and personal relationships?
When Isomorphism Hits Close to Home
Disarray and chaos seem to be mirrored in recent interactions of my local 700 member professional organization of therapists.
Recently several members of the Board of Directors resigned. And because of shockingly disrespectful name-calling and in-fighting behavior in meetings and on our list serve, we are losing members as well.
A ‘survey’ was sent to members via Survey Monkey asking about continued affiliation with our State organization. “We want your opinion. We're conducting a survey and your input would be appreciated. Thank you for your participation.”
Can you imagine how surprised many of us were upon being told this was intended to be an actual vote? Actually the results were a tie but the Board of Directors proceeded anyway to make plans to separate from the state organization and start a new organization.
To be honest, I felt hoodwinked and wanted to see the Board members take responsibility, say they made a mistake in the wording, and do a re-do where members would be advised it is an actual vote to disaffiliate or not.
And to make matters worse in my view, the Board blamed the Survey Monkey confusion on the previous administrative assistant. What a reflection of the blame game going on in the Oval Office. Taylor Swift sums it up pretty well as the refrain repeats and repeats in her new single: “Look What You Made Me Do.”
When they decided not to redo the vote, anger bubbled up in the membership and the name-calling began. The atmosphere became disrespectful, polarized and toxic.
What is happening in my professional organization is a good example of how various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty.
I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives. And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest office in the land.
I know I would feel a lot more secure.
Do you have any of the experiences or reactions I’ve just described?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
June 13, 2017
So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?
By Elayne Savage PhD
The Back Story:
For months I’ve had a this recurring visual image prancing around my head – Donald Trump standing in his crib in diapers, smearing the walls with poop, making a big mess.
So I asked Barbara Dale, one of my favorite cartoonists, to illustrate my visual idea for this blog. It has been lots of fun collaborating with her . . .
I
llustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.
Poop smearing is great fun for toddlers but hugely exasperating for parents cleaning up the mess. Think of the supplies of Lysol, Clorox Wipes and Mr. Clean Erasers they have to stock up on.
To the parents this behavior represents disarray, chaos, impulsiveness, unruliness and willfulness and, yes, parents tend to take it personally.
Child development experts advise poop smearing is pretty normal and may be a way of expressing feelings of frustration and anger and counteracting helplessness and powerlessness. And for sure it gets attention when the parents freak out.
On the positive side this fascination with poop might indicate a readiness for potty training and thankfully by the age of 3 or 4 they outgrow the need to smear.
Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction
Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.
Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.
Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.
In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:
“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”
Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.
Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.
Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control-non-stop lying.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying
Fraiberg also makes the point that the child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen.
Residing in the Center of Your Universe
As adults we may also find ourselves in the center of our universe, especially when we are taking something personally –– seeing ourselves as the target of slights or personal attacks.
For some, residing in the center of their universe can involve entitlement, specialness, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, a craving for attention and adoration, the inability to empathize, and having a bloated sense of self-worth. Are you recognizing all this as traits being written lately describing narcissism?
Trouble is, for many, being in the center of the universe usually includes having a false sense of self-worth. In fact, they have a need to puff themselves up because under all the self-hype they’re really feeling full of self-doubt and self-rejection with a tendency toward self-destructing by repeated self-sabotage.
When self-esteem is this low it is too humiliating and shameful to admit we made a mistake or were wrong. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions we tend to smear the bad feelings around by blaming others or by projecting our dark thoughts, vulnerabilities and fears onto others.
(Most recently I wrote about psychological projection last month in 'Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection': "Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.")
Because blaming ourselves is an easy self-rejecting place to go to, it becomes difficult or impossible to take responsibility for our actions.
I’m always reminding my coaching and psychotherapy clients: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself."
Saboteurs and Provocateurs
Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior and mostly happens when self-doubt creeps in.
The definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper, hurt or undermine a cause.'
History offers this intriguing image of how the word came to be:
You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. During the Industrial Revolution discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it.
The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling.’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.
Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.
Just maybe, under all the President’s self-aggrandizement, grandiosity, self-importance and boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and ashamed. Maybe he can’t keep from reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.
Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught! Could it be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.
Saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the shit around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?
These behaviors easily promote chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. And by the way this is probably exactly how parents feel each time they walk into their toddler’s room and find the walls smeared with feces.
Self-Respect Instead of Self-Reject
Wouldn't it be great if we could become our own best supporter instead of our worst saboteur? Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose not to make messes, and avoid stepping in them?
Wouldn’t it be great if we could give ourselves some self-respect instead of self-reject?
Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to have self-respect as a model of behavior from our leader?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 31, 2017
I Really Hate Being Lied To!
Elayne Savage, PhD
Author, Professional Speaker, Psychotherapist and Blogger on
How Not to Take Rejection and Disappointment So Personally
When someone lies to me I get a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.
As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts.
I know much of my overreaction comes from stockpiling early experiences.
I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted.
Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer.
This is especially true for those of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things.
And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
I hated it when I was the one accused of lying: “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying!
How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated!
I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.
I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — it looked as good as store-bought.
I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.”
I was stupefied. Then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her.
If our impressions are discounted often, we learn to discount ourselves as well.
Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”
I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”
I can remember how members of my family seemed to be blathering nonsense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to guess their meaning.
When I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention.
There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.
It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality.
As the Cheshire Cat said, “We’re all crazy here.”
And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience – complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts and gaslighting.
So, what exactly is gaslighting?
When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.
The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane.
Gaslighting has become a popular term used to describe techniques now prevalent in The White House and Congress.
According to Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include
saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth.
Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on.
"Gaslighting" has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.
Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."
I really don’t like being fooled.
What if someone believes their own lies? Does repeating a lie make it appear true?
And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy?
And what if they believe their own lies, and when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.
Deceit, lying and compromised reality testing are included in several entries of the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5) of the American Psychiatric Association including:
The section on Delusional Disorder
characterized by:
False beliefs based on incorrect inference about external reality that persist despite the evidence to the contrary
. . .
The section on The Ten Personality Disorders
characterized by:
Distorted thinking patterns
Problematic emotional responses
Over- or under-regulated impulse control
Interpersonal difficulties
Friedrich Nietzsche really nailed it: “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
So sad.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 11, 2016
My Mortifying Personal Experience with “Just Locker Room Talk”
By Elayne Savage, PhD
A few years ago someone I did not personally know posted an outrageous sexual accusation about me to 34 members of his fraternity alumni email list. The 'event' supposedly took place five decades ago!
I was mortified.
It has been six years since this degrading experience and even though it has been an unsettling memory, this is the first time I have summoned up enough to write about it.
Why now? the President's “Just Locker Room Talk” excuse brought up memories of the excuse given to the fraternity email list: "an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor.“
Really? Yes – the good ole 'boys will be boys' justification!
This poisonous post was in response to the blog I published describing my joyful return to the University of Alabama to speak at the memorial honoring a college mentor. My brother enthusiastically shared my Alabama experience with the fraternity email list. The responses were wonderfully appreciative and supportive. Except for this one.
First he sent a private email to my brother making the decades old accusation about me. Then 10 minutes later, he decided to share his clever humor with the whole list. But this time he embellished it, adding more lurid details.
He described sexual behavior supposedly involving me and happening five decades ago! (And he thought it would be a nice touch to add, “she should change the name of the news letter to 'tits from the queen of rejection.')
This was crazy making. Surreal. What he was describing when I was a Senior and he was a Freshman never happened. I only knew him in passing and I had never been to the supposed fraternity house location.
His actions reminded me of the high school boys ‘crowing contests’ I used to hear about. Surely not what you’d expect from a grown man.
Locker Room Humor Gone Bad
Many of his fraternity brothers responded they were appalled and shocked at his despicable behavior and the degree of misogyny.
When he finally apologized to the group and he excused his actions as “an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor.“ He never really admitted he fabricated the story.
I think his only sorrow was about being called out on his sick sense of humor and embarrassed to be chastised by peers. Some fraternity brothers wrote that he was portraying himself as a victim!
Two months later, only after learning he was going to be sued for defamation, he sent an email to the alumni list saying “the event I made reference to never occurred.” He never admitted he lied.
Being the brunt of his sick locker room humor was incredible demeaning. I knew many people on that email list. Several of them were brothers of my college friends. As you can imagine, this was excruciatingly humiliating for me.
To make things worse, it triggered early memories of other inappropriately sexualizing events in my early life.
I was feeling pretty good about my decision to bring a defamation lawsuit against him. I had good support from my brother, friends and some of the alumni on that email list.
I flew to Alabama for the deposition. It was pretty awful. The worst part was when the writer of the emails walked in and sat down across the table from me. I had to endure him staring at me. It was creepy and intimidating, but I guess that was the intention.
The positive side of him being in the room was that he had to sit there while I repeated how several upset fraternity brothers described him as "a vicious, delusional lie," “misogynistic," "woman-hating," "vile," "mean-spirited," and "malicious."
I had to endure his attorney haranguing me. It helped a lot when I noticed the “tell.” I quickly discovered whenever she set out to bait me, the corner of her mouth would start to twitch! I could see the baits coming. Each time I refused to bite the bait, she overreacted, snarling at me.
For the full four hours I felt baited and bullied by her. But I guess that was the intention.
Sleight of Hand; Now You See It, Now You Don’t
Interestingly, when I finally got to read the deposition transcript, one of her lengthy and exceptionally bullying harangues was missing! I wonder how that could have happened.
That’s not all that was missing. A few days before the scheduled pretrial meeting with the judge, I discovered there were four deposition pages missing from the judge’s packet.
Curiously these four pages described how these false accusations triggered anxiety related to early memories of inappropriate sexual comments and behavior by others when I was a child. My doctors diagnosed my present anxiety as PTSD.
Interestingly, this is the same testimony the defendant’s attorney was trying to have deemed irrelevant and inadmissible.
Very slick slight of hand. She solved that problem by not including it in the judge’s packet. Then it was no longer a problem for her.
Once I realized these four pages had been removed from the packet, I decided there was just too much slimyness here for me to proceed with a trial.
Even though my attorney assured me there was no question about his guilt in defaming me,I realized I may possibly be facing an all-male southern jury. Not to mention again facing an attorney who shamelessly harassed and bullied me during the deposition. How might she try to humiliate me in court?
I was so done with it. And what a relief to not have to come face-to-face again with her twitchy little mouth!
Perhaps the best outcome was the news that when his corporate employer found out he was using the company’s computer system he was immediately dismissed.
The saddest part for me was how his warped attempt at locker room humor has the effect of contaminating my feelings for the University. It has corrupted future dealings with long-time friends in what should be life-long college relationships.
I am still affected this way by what happened 6 years ago.
On a positive note, even with my many years working with clients experiencing PTSD, I have now personally become even more aware of how easily it can be triggered. In this case all it took was a juvenile attempt at locker room humor.
Whenever you find yourself getting triggered here are some ideas to help you stay centered:
- Recognize that there may be early experiences that are contributing to you becoming upset.
- Do you know what these early messages might be?
- Try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now.
- Remind yourself that certain childhood beliefs may no longer carry the same power.
- Walk alongside yourself. Notice as much as you can. Observing gets the flow
going and opens up space for making choices.
- Keep reminding yourself that you do have choices.
- Remember that allowing vulnerability is a strength. It’s very different from feeling vulnerable.
- Remind yourself if you’re uncomfortable in a situation, you can leave — taking a time-out is just fine.
- Be compassionate and kind to yourself
- Congratulate yourself for your strength and resilience.
- Ask yourself, “What’s different this time? How is this different?
- The phrase I pass along to psychotherapy and workplace clients is “Try Self-respect instead of Self-reject.”
Maybe this Self Care Wheel will be helpful to you . . .
You can most likely see how the recent demeaning "just locker room talk" quote has had quite an effect on me – re-triggering the humiliation I experienced six years ago.
Writing about my experience of being sexually harassed by a clueles misogynist is the best way I know to empower and take good care of myself!
Here’s the original post of my joyous experience of returning to the University of Alabama. He just couldn’t refrain from reacting to my blog post with sick locker room humor:
Traveling Back in Time - From Self-Rejection to Self-Acceptance
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 27, 2016
Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Dixie Chicks Concert Cincinnati World Tour Kickoff June 2016
Perhaps it was Ben Carson conjuring up Lucifer during his RNC comments, but listening to Donald J. Trump’s acceptance speech I found myself jumping to images of the “Prince of Darkness.” As I watched, Lucifer became superimposed on the face of Donald Trump, much like the Dixie Chicks cartoon backdrop. Hey, maybe Dr. Carson also was thinking of the same Lucifer image!
Well, it turns out my imagery about all that darkness was also reflected by the media describing the President-elect’s 80-minute speech as “strikingly dark,” “painting America as a dark and desperate place.”
To my ears, it wasn’t just dark. It also seemed like a selling-your-soul kind of thing.
Not sure, however, exactly whose soul is on the market.
Is it the collective soul of we, the voters? What contract would we be signing? What deal would we be making?
Or is candidate Trump using smoke and mirrors to sell his own soul in order to become president of the United States?
Might this be a new chapter on negotiating and persuasion to be added to The Art of the Deal?
Does his advice on strategies include making grandiose promises with few or no specifics? Someone must have told him these promises cannot be constitutionally, legally, ethically or morally carried out –– yet he continues to make them.
Smoke and Mirrors
I’m a big fan of definition and specifics. As a couples and workplace coach and communication consultant how can I help clients overcome their roadblocks unless I know I’m crystal clear on how they perceive their situation.
Because generalities don’t work here, my questions sound something like “and what does that mean?” Or “can you give me an example?”
The difficulty with generalizations of the Donald J. Trump variety was brilliantly summed up in a letter to therapists from The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA:
Here is one of Donald Trump’s classic plans to make America great again.
“We’ll make things. The best things. The things we make will be the best.”
If you used this kind of glittering generality to create a treatment plan for a
distressed couple, it might sound like this,
“We will make a plan. The best plan. The plans we make will be the best.
This couple will be great again.”
We doubt the loosest of gatekeepers for insurance companies would accept
that kind of blather as a viable treatment plan for a struggling couple.
This was sent as a cover letter for family therapist and researcher William Doherty’s ‘Therapist Manifesto’ detailing concerns of the psychological community.
This manifesto was written and signed before the 2016 election by over 2300 mental health professionals. It's worth a read.
(Update: Seems the actual Manifesto is no longer on the web. However here are some media pieces describing the movement:)
https://www.mindingtherapy.com/manifesto-against-trumpism/
https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/10/donald-trump-2016-therapists-214333/
https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1043/clinicians-digest
Is Building Walls a Substitute for Lack of Personal Boundaries?
I keep wondering why this candidate, who seems to have extremely confused and inappropriate personal boundaries, talks incessantly about building walls along our Mexican border. Could this imagined "biggest," "strongest" wall be a substitute for his own lack of personal boundaries?
“I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won’t be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they’re over the wall, it costs us trillions. And I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall. Because Mexico is screwing us so badly. “
Fox and other media outlets quoted the Associated Press in summing up the speech: “The more than hour-long speech was strikingly dark for a celebratory event and almost entirely lacking in specific policy details. Trump shouted throughout as he read off a teleprompter, showing few flashes of humor or even a smile.”
“I Alone Can Fix It”
Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning “Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”
And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"
Moyers continues: This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.” Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.
"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html
Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons
Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.
‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase: “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.
The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country.
With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
http://bit.ly/13kMU6n
http://bit.ly/1MBDJQZ
Cult Culture
To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s.
As a child protective services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced by Jones to take part in a mass murder/suicide.
I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman, who had been a client, begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. In mid-sentence her call was disconnected. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment. I'll never forget her name -she was listed as one who died at Jonestown.
I was especially curious about the appeal of cults and characteristics of the charismatic cult leaders.
What kind of pied piper power did Jim Jones hold that they left everything and followed him to a promised utopia?
Merriam-Webster describes this pied-piper-kind-of-lure as enticing, promising and charismatic.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pied piper
“If you just come along, all will be fine, and everyone will live happily ever after in these promised utopias,” is how cult and brainwashing expert Margaret Singer characterized the lure of cults.
http://factnet.org/cults-our-midst
Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.
“The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”
http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture
50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders
Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities) lists 50 characteristics of cult leaders.
Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish.
– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to insure that he or she is being noticed by arriving late, using exotic clothing, overdramatic speech, or by making theatrical entrances.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– When criticized he tends to lash out not just with anger but with rage.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
– Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.
Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 characteristics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders
It's quite amazing how many of these have to do with reactions to perceived rejection and taking things personally. How many can you find?
So Now Let’s Explore the Goings on at The DNC
This brings us to the Democratic National Convention in Philly this week.
Do you see any similarities between the speakers/atmosphere?
Do you notice any important differences?
Let’s see how many of Navarro’s 50 characteristics show up in the DNC’s cast of characters during the week.
How many of the 50 do you recognize? Would love to hear the results of your scoring on these 50 characteristics . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
June 30, 2016
Comb-overs, Make-overs and Do-overs
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I’ve been wanting to speculate about Comb-overs for a while. Then it seemed there was also something to say about Make-overs. And of course with the fiasco of Brexit, there is much to say about Do-overs as well.
This blog isn't as well thought out as I'd like –– at times I have word-finding symptoms from my tenacious two-year-old concussion –– it feels like my brain works in slow motion.
So here goes – your contributions to these ideas are very welcome:
The Comb-over
It’s easy and creative to don a baseball cap to cover a comb-over — especially on a windy day. It’s clever to inscribe it with "Make America Great Again,” brilliantly making it part of your brand while making fistfuls of money from sales.
It was a catchy phrase in1980 when Ronald Reagan used it and it’s a catchy phrase now.
Here's President Reagan using it in his acceptance speech at the 1980 Republican Convention:
http://www.c-span.org/video/?c4541862/reagan-1980-convention-make-america-great
The Make-over
It’s not easy to agree to a make-over using a script and teleprompter when you really want to “Let Trump Be Trump.” "I do what I do. I don't care, I do me."
There's a huge temptation to speak your mind even when pressure is mounting from your campaign manager and political colleagues, fearing for the future of the party, are talking about opposing your candidacy.
I often coach students, workplace and psychotherapy clients that it's possible to maintain our individual integrity while at the same time recognizing the importance of making an effort to be flexible enough to "play the game." This includes embracing a spirit of cooperation and being knowledgeable about and respecting rules and boundaries.
I see this as a reasonable and grown-up way to navigate through life. However, it does require putting on our big boy or big girl panties!
The Do-over
It’s not at all easy to orchestrate a do-over when referendum or election results cause dire consequences for a party or country.
The Brits are trying hard to orchestrate a do-over to save themselves from unanticipated consequences of a “Leave” Brexit vote. They’ve organized a petition for a second referendum which acquired nearly 4 million signatures in a few days. Parliament is required to discuss the possibility of a re-vote once 100 thousand signatures are reached. And now there is talk that British politicians may not invoke the Article 50 binding notice that is needed to allow them to exit the EU.
The Scots voted strongly to “Remain” and are threatening to veto or even secede.
And Northern Ireland’s Deputy First Minister called for a vote on pulling Northern Ireland out of the United Kingdom and uniting it with the Republic.
For sure the Brexit vote was in protest of excessive control by the government, although “leave” won by only 4%.
Interesting that what for many was a “protest” vote is turning in to an unanticipated political and economic disaster for those who voted to “Leave.” Words such as disbelief, turmoil, and chaos are used to describe the resulting fears and uncertainty.
Also interesting were reports that following the vote results Google searches in the UK spiked for “What does it mean to leave the EU?” What is the EU?” and “What is Brexit?”
Now some of the shakers and movers of Brexit are rejecting their own monstrous creation and abandoning ship – somehow surprised by the far-reaching repercussions.
Where is That Un-do Button?
The US News and World Report asks “Does the Brexit decision come with an undo button?” and suggests five possibilities for how the Brits can save themselves:
http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2016-06-28/how-britain-could-undo-the-brexit
In the US, however, if a protest vote sweeps a defective candidate into the Presidency, the only option we have for a re-do is impeachment and removal from office.
Can you think of any possibilities I’m missing?
Impeachment is initiated by the House of Representatives and is similar to an indictment in a court of law. Articles of impeachment (formal allegations) must be passed by a simple majority of those present and voting. There still has to be a trial. These formal allegations are sent to the Senate which decides the verdict — needing a 2/3 majority of those present for removal from office.
In the past, Congress has issued Articles of Impeachment for acts in three general categories:
• Exceeding the constitutional bounds of the powers of the office
• Behavior grossly incompatible with the proper function and purpose of the office.
• Employing the power of the office for an improper purpose or for personal gain.
http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/thepresidentandcabinet/a/impeachment.htm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impeachment#United_States
Do-overs don’t have to be complicated, however. We see attempted campaigning do-overs every day.
Flip-flops, Walk-backs and Denials
There are almost daily efforts at do-overs in the form of political flip-flops and walk-backs after controversial, inappropriate or unpopular comments or actions.
These days political missteps are difficult to deny and easy to prove –– with the wide access we have to audio and video archives and twitter trails. It becomes harder and harder to lie about whether something was actually said or done. The best the campaigns can do is try to walk-it back and insist "That's not what our candidate meant!"
And What About That Comb-over?
Do you agree the purpose of the “Make America Great Again hat is to keep the comb-over from blowing in the wind and exposing something. What could that comb-over covering up?
I love metaphors and I’m sure there’s a great metaphor or two here somewhere but I can’t quite get to it — I’ll just blame it on my brain in slow motion concussive symptom! Hopefully you'll have some points to add to help flesh out my rudimentary ideas.
I keep coming back to producer and comedian Larry David’s observation: “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough."
Thanks to my brother Lee Raskin for his enhancements to this piece!
Would love your input and ideas here too . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
December 31, 2015
The Holiday Recovery Editon
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Some of us may be recovering from too much eating or drinking and subsequent weigh-in shock. From what I’m hearing from therapy and consulting clients and colleagues, many of us are also recovering from the after-holiday letdown and a
variety of big and small disappointments.
Is This All There Is?
I totally missed Chanukah this year. It came and went so early. And Christmas and Kwanzaa flew by as well. And now the New Year has arrived –I'm still not at all sure where the old one went.
You know how it goes: after all the holiday hype the blahs creep up and start to take over, pushing out whatever good feelings might have existed. You may find yourself right in the middle of an after the holidays letdown.
And this time of year I’m aware of how my unrealistic expectations result in a downward disappointment spiral.
I'm reminded of how my long-time struggle with dreaded rejection is really about my sensitivity to disappointments
The Holidays offer great practice in dealing with the kind of disappointments
that feel like rejections. Examples are all around us.
When you feel disappointed you may give yourself all kinds of explanations:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"My mother's comment is so incredibly mean-spirited,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."
Can you see how these are perceived messages of rejection can turn into self-rejection, feeling bad about yourself?
So let’s try to understand the source of this yearly letdown. I'm thinking if we understand it, we can do something about it.
The Culprits: Adrenaline Highs and Disappointment Lows
Let ’s start with the 'Adrenaline High' . . .
I remind myself of the emotional/physiological stress component - the rush of adrenaline.
There are, of course, the multitude of stressful situations we are exposed to daily. For example our time/money/relationship/
parenting/work pressures, not to mention the onslaught of disasters in the news. Now add to this the craziness of preparing
for the Holidays.
To get through it all, our body calls upon stress hormones - adrenaline and cortisol.
This rush of adrenaline feels good for a while. We're on a "high" from this over exposure to the stress hormones.
But what happens once the excitement of the Holidays are over? The stress hormones in our system decrease because they are no longer needed. The over-exposure to the adrenaline and cortisol causes a 'letdown.' We get the after-Holiday-Blahs.
Aside from the crash after the adrenaline 'high,' let's look at other reasons for the 'letdown.'
For some of us, after-holiday letdown happens when inflated anticipations and expectations come crashing down. They end up in
a heap of disappointments and hurt feelings.
And regarding stressors, two of the biggest Holiday stressors are family get-togethers and gift-giving, both resulting in a heap
of disappointments and hurt feelings if our expectations are unrealistic.
Here are some snapshots of how it happens, how we react and some tips for dealing with it.
The Holiday Hype
You know how early those 'persuasive' ads start appearing. The purpose, of course, is to get you ready for Great Holiday
Expectations.
By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the ads. We are expecting a picture-perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner with our family.
But it doesn't happen. Somebody does or says something that ruins it for you. Your TV commercial picture perfect vision quickly turns into one of Edvard Munch's Anxiety paintings. 'The Scream' comes to mind.
As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - not just the Holidays.
Here are some tips for handling family get-togethers . . .
OK, now on to another big source of Holiday disappointment -–– gift-giving.
Gift-giving Dilemmas and Tips
Truth be told, gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.
Read more about gift-giving dilemmas and tips . . .
And adding a little good humor . . .
Wishing each of you a peaceful and rejuvenating New Year!
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
March 31, 2015
The Heavy Burden of Keeping Secrets
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Last month's post on lies and liars led to this comment from a reader about keeping secrets:
“I think what’s equally as bad as lying is keeping a secret. But, it’s so lonely, frightening, and dangerous to keep secrets.”
. . . and of course, lying usually involves secrets.
For the full comment, go to the COMMENTS section of my blog: http://bit.ly/1LN0BKy
Let ’s give some attention here to what a heavy burden secrecy can be. Secrets take so much energy to maintain and as you are most likely aware, they can beget mistrust and suspicion which sure can interfere with how we live our lives.
All of this can rob both personal and work relationships of the resources necessary for desired connection.
Everyone is entitled to the opportunity to make an 'informed decision' in their relationships and they need enough information to be able to do this. Secrets may end up getting in the way of the credibility we want to present to others.
In Breathing Room I take a look at dozens of creative ways we find to fill space — preventing us from connecting in our relationships.
Holding secrets is a primary way we do this.
Sometimes We Learn Secret-Keeping in Childhood
“For some of us, secrets were woven into the fabric of our lives from an early age, leaving little room for honesty or authenticity. All kinds of things are kept secret. Parents may feel they are protecting the child by not answering questions truthfully . . .”
The family secret may be that a parent drinks too much, or says or does inappropriate things. The secrecy may be about illness or how a family member actually died.
Sometimes there are generational family secrets about the reasons families have left their countries of origin: often to escape from persecution of some kind, but it is never discussed with the next generations.
“Often, on some level, children sense what the secret is, but because of the family rules about secretiveness, they feel that they can’t comment or ask questions. So they remain very lonely in their isolation.
Another way of creating secrets is by not giving children an honest answer or by denying feelings.
I’ve blogged many times about having our perceptions discounted when we were children and how confusing it is not to be believed: “It didn’t happen.” “It wasn’t all that bad.” “Don’t be silly,” or the parent responds to a child’s bad dream by declaring, “You’re really not afraid.” When this is our model growing up, and we are not believed, we learn to be secretive. Why confide in someone if they don’t believe you?
Secrets and lies are toxic to relationships.
In Private Lies Dr. Frank Pittman writes: “Children rely upon the stability of the . . . family. If secrets keep family members from being close to one another, the family undergoes disorientation," He continues: "Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told, they become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift."
Secretiveness Tends to be Perpetuated
Again from Breathing Room: “When people grow up in secretive families, they may continue be secretive in their adult relationships. Trust becomes an issue because they will also be expecting secretiveness from others. If someone didn’t trust you with the truth when you were growing up, it’s hard to trust others when you are a grown-up.”
I point out how secrets in grown-up relationships can take the form of Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas. “These one-sided, unspoken contracts between two people can lead to disappointments. These expectations are based on a presumption that the other person will cooperate in a plan that has never actually been discussed between the two . . . somebody gets a big surprise when the partner doesn’t uphold their end of the “bargain,” and the “deal” doesn’t happen.
These unspoken or hidden “terms,” “contracts,” and “agreements” affect all areas of relationships — lifestyle, sex, recreation, values, friends, money, decision-making, extended families, child rearing, hopes, and plans.
Can you see how Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas can also problematic in workplace relationships?
In fact, secrecy is a huge issue on many organizations and we may have strong reactions to how certain decisions are made at work — and take it personally when we sense we are there is deception. We may feel kept in the dark and marginalized when there is a lack of transparency, concealment of what should have been disclosed, and a breach of confidence and trust.
We have a particularly hard time if we have experienced similar feelings growing up. These experiences stockpile and each time we feel betrayed by a person or a group that we trust, deep feelings can be triggered. Doesn't it make sense that any of us who have had these early experiences are going to be reacting strongly to what feels like a betrayal by our organization. I wrote about feelings of betrayal by my Therapist Association last year in ‘Secrecy, Lies, Betrayal and Shattered Trust’ and if it sounds angry, it's because I really was!
http://bit.ly/1aXrsmy
It doesn’t feel good to be disappointed by those we trust, and these disappointments can feel like rejection.
From the Archive: http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/disappointments/
There is so much more to say about keeping secrets, feelings of betrayal and maintaining trust.
NPR did a story on Family Secrets recently. Here's the link:
http://www.npr.org/2015/03/13/392771329/family-secrets
And What About You?
- Have you, too, had experiences with keeping secrets?
- How has it felt to be asked to keep a secret? How about when you ask someone to hold a secret for you?
- Did secret-keeping when you grew up influence how you approach secrecy now in you personal or work relationships?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
February 26, 2015
Getting Caught in a Lie Can Be Awkward: Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly
By Elayne Savage, PhD
First there is the Brian Williams fall from grace when eyewitnesses discounted his claims of being in a helicopter in Iraq that was hit by rocket-propelled grenade fire. Turns out he was in a chopper that flew in afterwards.
And soon other reports of possible exaggerated stories came under scrutiny resulting in his suspension for 6 months by NBC
If you missed the Brian Williams story, there’s a link below.
And Bill O’Reilly, Too
Along come allegations that Fox News host Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his accounts of being in a “war zone” during the Falklands War between the United Kingdom and Argentina. Other CBS reporters say he was 1,200 miles away in Buenos Aires and the “war zone” turns out to be rioting in Buenos Aires after Argentina surrendered.
And accusations of his exaggerations have not stopped. Questions are surfacing about another O’Reilly story related to a congressional investigation of the JFK assassination. A potential witness committed suicide and O’Reilly claims to have heard the shotgun blast because he was standing outside the home in Palm Beach. Colleagues say O’Reilly was in Texas at the time of the suicide – not in Florida.
And the most recent accusation of fabrication is that O’Reilly reported “I saw nuns shot in the back of the head,” when apparently contradicted that when he also said he didn’t arrive in El Salvador until after the murder of the nuns.
See links below on the Bill O’Reilly/Falkland Islands story, JFK witness suicide story and the El Salvador nuns story.
So with all this in the news, clients are asking about lies and liars. And there are no easy answers.
And I have my own curiosity as well.
Through the Eyes of a Child – Midway Through the World of Magic and the World of Reality
Wow. Listening to Brian Williams’s exaggerated claims of his heroic experiences I totally flashed back to my 5 year-old self. That was when I used to make up stories of my various exploits trying to impress Robbie, the student crossing guard.
I especially remember when I told him how I slipped on the stairs and ended up ‘doing the splits’ when I landed. His eyes got big, “Really?” he said, totally awed, I thought.
Looking back I think his eyes actually got big from disbelief.
What a silly thing to say any way. Just showing off and trying to appear special, I guess.
Have to admit I’ve been a drama queen since birth — trying to impress folks with my stories. Maybe that’s one reason I grew up to be a professional speaker and storyteller. Now I can actually get paid for creative embellishing!
I guess exaggeration is what 5 and 6 year olds do.
Who hasn’t heard a 4 or 5 or 6 year old tell a tall tale? I recently was in the company of a 6 year old who was having a very serious discussion with me about all the household chores she does regularly. Making beds, caring for pets, doing dishes . . . and on and on. Quite a detailed and impressive list it was. Her serious expression was so believable — until I checked with her mother. “She told you all that? I only wish. Well, sometimes she does carry her plate into the kitchen without being asked.”
Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality.
Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins. One of my favorite descriptions of this magical world of children is in the book The Magic Years by one of my early teachers, Selma Fraiberg.
(You’ll find the Amazon link below)
Some of us never quite outgrow this confusion about the difference between fantasy and reality and continue to stretch the truth even when we turn into grown ups.
Why? To get attention and impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover our tracks. To shift blame. To be nice or spare someone’s feelings.
Some of us get especially good at lying by omission and of course tell ourselves it isn’t really a lie.
With so much about lying and liars in the news lately, clients have been asking lots of questions about different types of liars: Pathological, Compulsive, Habitual, Chronic.
Compulsive and Pathological lying (also called Habitual and Chronic lying) are difficult to ‘officially’ define because they are not included as separate categories in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (currently the DSM 5.) However, they are included as symptoms of various Personality Disorder categories.
Compulsive lying is generally considered to be out of habit, where someone cannot stop themselves from misrepresenting and bending the truth.
Pathological lying is often described as goal-oriented, an attempt to get their way without concern for others.
But there is surely overlap and definitions are murky.
Below are some links to online articles that might help you understand the terminology.
Now You See Me, Now You Don’t
I once had a friend who lied a bunch. Hard not to when you have been leading a double life for decades – there is much covering up and protecting of various adventures to be done. And imagine the energy it takes to remember what you tell to who and when.
I remember saying more than once: “Wow. if you ever decide to stop lying how will you fill all that huge empty space you would be creating?
Looking back I believe it was kind of a game and the thrill of it: “What can I get away with?”
He actually believed he was a great liar, but if you looked closely, you could tell by the look on his face. Kind of a sheepish, little boy look. Maybe about 5 or 6 years old!
Micro-expressions - Brief but Telling
That look could be considered a micro-expression. According to Professor Paul Ekman, these are fleeting facial expressions that betray underlying emotions that the person may be trying to suppress. They mostly happen around the eyes and mouth, but can also appear in small movements of the hand and twitches of the legs. You have to be fast to notice them..
If you’re a poker player, you’d might call them a ‘tell.’
For eye-opening information about facial expressions, body language and lying read Paul Ekman’s ideas. (See link below.)
The Culture of Lying
I recently read a fascinating interview with John Kiriakow, a CIA whistleblower – just released from federal prison for leaking classified information on water boarding.
Here Kiriakou is describing the culture of lying in the CIA:
“Yeah, you`re trained to lie. You lie all the time. You lie, you cheat, you steal, you swindle, you trick people, that`s the nature of the job.”
And then, what would present-day politics be like without the lying? We’ve become so used to it we hardly notice anymore
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Here are the links I promised:
The Brian Williams Helicopter story:
www.nytimes.com/2015/02/06/business/brian-williamss-apology-over-iraq-account-is-challenged.html?_r=0
Bill O’Reilly Falklands story:
http://www.newsweek.com/former-colleagues-dispute-oreillys-account-falklands-war-coverage-308811
Bill O’Reilly/JFK assassination story link:
http://money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-jfk-george-de-mohrenschildt/
Bill O’Reilly/El Salvador Nuns story:
money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-el-salvador-nuns/
Amazon Link to The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684825503/thequeofrej-20
Compulsive/Pathological Lying links:
http://www.compulsivelyingdisorder.com/what-is-compulsive-lying-disorder/
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/confront_a_liar/public/pathological-compulsive.html
http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Pathological-Liar
Paul Ekman/Micro-expression link:
http://www.forbes.com/2010/05/13/body-language-lie-physical-tics-forbes-woman-well-being-workplace.html
© Elayne Savage, PhD
I’m curious about your experiences with lying and liars. Do the current headlines bring back any memories for you as they did for me? Would love an e-mail or post in the blog comment section: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Until next month,
layne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
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The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
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July 31, 2013
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