Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2006

Welcome to the second issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence
2. A Few Words About Ambivalence and Gift-giving Dilemmas
3. Tools for Taming Ambivalence
4. Contacting Elayne
5. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

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1. WHISPERS AND ROARS - THE VOICES OF AMBIVALENCE
 
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

I wrote about my Fears and my Ambivalence in my struggle to
produce my first e-letter last month.

I talked about how The Fear of Rejection was the leader of the
Fear Team: Fear of Visibility, The Fear of Failure, The Fear of
Success and The Fear of Disappointment. Fear of Judgment and
Criticism were on the sidelines as well.

I described the warring voices of my ambivalence: The
disconcerting "You can!," "You can't!" The clash between the 
voice of confidence and the voice of doubt.

When I finally finished writing it, I hit the 'send' button.

There's More to the Story

I was also struggling with another quandary: How was I going to
present myself in the e-letter?

I studied other e-newsletters. Oh my, they were so 
'professional,' 'businesslike' and 'practical.' That's
how I wanted mine to look.

In my first draft I found myself imitating them. In a 
'professional' and 'businesslike' way I presented an overview
of my struggles. Then in a 'practical' way, I jumped to a list
of 'how-to's for dealing with ambivalence.'

Something was Missing

Informative, sure, but something was missing.

A small voice was trying to get my attention. "Listen to me,"
it pleaded. I ignored it. I was determined to put out a
'professional' newsletter.

Then something allowed me to trust my intuition. I made a
decision to share that early draft with a consultation client
who was dealing with some of the same issues. Perhaps a word
or phrase would jump out at him. It did. He thanked me.

And then he asked, "Would you like some feedback?" Sure.
Why not. He knows my presenting style. He's heard me speak
professionally in various venues.

"This newsletter isn't you. It's too formal. Your strength
is in telling your story. When I hear you speak I find
myself being drawn in. But not this time. Something is
missing from your writing."

I listened. He was absolutely right.

Somehow I'd misplaced my essence.

What happened to my voice? Where were my feelings hiding? Under
a rock? In a closet? In the basement?

I found myself too concerned about what others might think. I
lost my voice. It was drowned out by my anxiety and tendency
to compare myself.

I was rejecting my Self.

The Tag-along Template

I got caught up in trying to make my e-letter fit every one
else's template. I let myself be influenced by those very
impressive professional e-zines.

I was trying to compete.

I lost ME.

I wanted to find myself again. To accept and respect myself.
To honor and enhance my strengths. I made a choice to tell
my story exactly as I was experiencing it.

As I looked at my fears and faced them, I began to move
through  them. The moment I hit the "send" button, I
realized something was  different about me. I had just
developed a new relationship - with my Self.

Many of you wrote to say how you recognized the fears I
described - Fear of Visibility was a popular one.

Some of you told me you are starting or finishing a
project that's been a gleam in your eye for a long time.

And you wrote that you are beginning to understand your
ambivalence a little better.

Those Whispers and Roars

For some folks the word 'ambivalence' means 'love and hate'
or 'good and bad.' But there are many kinds of ambivalent
feelings and thoughts.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of
simultaneously conflicting feelings, ideas or wishes which
compete with each other. It can lead to an inability to make
a decision.

We Deal with Ambivalence by:

• Avoidance –Avoiding the pain of another rejection
• Self-Sabotage - How might you sabotage yourself?
• Procrastination – A great example of how fear of rejection leads to self-rejection
• Perfectionism – If we do it ‘perfectly” no one can find fault.
• Second-guessing ­– Self-doubt about decisions
• Excuses/Rationalizations – What you tell yourself

It's a tip off you're ambivalent when you experience
uncomfortable inner conflict and can’t make a decision.
You feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may find yourself experiencing a wide-range of
ambivalent personal and professional situations:

—Having trouble deciding which mail (or papers or files or clothes)
to keep and which to toss out

—Wanting to spend time with someone, and at the same time
wanting time for yourself

—Wanting a romantic relationship, yet not being quite ready
to make a commitment

—Wanting connectedness but needing separateness

—Wanting a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours
it would require

—AND related to this Holiday Season: Having trouble making
up your mind about which gift or card to buy.

2. A FEW WORDS ABOUT AMBIVALENCE AND GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS

It's amazing how much anxiety comes from trying to pick out a
gift or greeting card. Fear of Rejection, Judgment and
Criticism run rampant.

Have you ever had this experience of looking for a gift or card?
You see something in one shop but you're not quite sure it's the
right thing. So you go to the shop across the way. There you see
something else you like.

You get really confused. You may even go back and forth between
shops a few times. You still can't make up your mind.

You may become anxious and upset because you don't know what
to do. You might even leave without buying anything. (Tips on
handling gift-giving dilemmas and in a future issue.)

When two internal voices start skirmishing with one another,
this conflict leads to uncertainty and confusion.

The confusion creates anxiety. The anxiety causes us
to freeze up and become immobilized. This degree  of
ambivalence surely isn't productive.

It takes a lot of energy to deal with these conflicting voices.
Wouldn't you rather put your energy in some other activity?

By moving past the ambivalence, it's possible to leave space
for making  choices. Here's how.

3. TOOLS FOR TAMING AMBIVALENCE

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only 
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Writing to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What
I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can
begin to move forward by naming it.Is it Fear of Rejection?
Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment?
Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Then say 
it out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently
and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early
experiences but also to family messages which are passed down
from generation to generation.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it
'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enough
to recognize when you may be starting down that old path of
doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down
this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to
take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking
yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean  ___________________.
If I fail, it would mean  _________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean  _____________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone? _____________.
Who would that be?  __________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen? _____________________.

These are all ways we hold ourselves back from our goals and our dreams. Check in with yourself: Am I procrastinating?  Second-guessing myself? Being too perfectionistic? Making excuses? Rationalizing? Avoiding?

This clash between the voice of confidence and the voice of doubt is ambivalence!

And to avoid anxiety from the clash we too often self-sabotage.

Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space you need to
recognize your options.

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to — especially
someone who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this
process.

Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and
definition. This allows enough space for choices to emerge.

And it allows you the space to move forward.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of relationship books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:

http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Intention Deficit Disorder – New Kid on the Block

By Elayne Savage, PhD

©Can Stock Photo/Sangoiri

 

I’ve been fascinated by each of my new discoveries about ADHD ever since I realized several years ago that my brain seems to function a little differently and I began to understand that I have been creating ‘work-arounds for school work and projects and chores to help me get by.

 

For years I’ve been taking copious notes during a lecture or training, I make lists constantly and there’s always an array of post-its around my house!. Folks tease me about my lists.

 

Then a few years ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist for a concussion and I started joking around, “Oh that’s just my ADHD!”

She was quick to say, “You think? I can test you.”

 

And guess what, I am ADHD. Now all my work-arounds make perfect sense. I was actually taking good care of myself all those years without knowing why.

 

One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned is how ADHD is often missed in girls. With boys’ often disruptive acting out behaviors teachers spot it in the classroom. But girls get missed because it is more ‘quiet’ – presenting as moodiness/depression and anxiety.

 

I’m always so delighted to make a new ADHD discovery. Actually because I specialize in rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally I figured out decades ago that there seemed to be a connection between these challenges and ADHD. And in the last few years there have been studies linking all this up. There is even a term for it: ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ - RSD.

 

So I’m excited about my most recent ADHD discovery and wanting to share it with you.

I’m on the email list for an absolutely terrific resource, ADDitudeMag.com and spotted this article in a recent edition.

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action

 Psychologist Russell Barkley writes about Intention Deficit Disorder – an ADHD trait that gets in the way of not accomplishing goals.

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a real diagnosis but a term Russell Barkley, Ph.D. uses to describe what he believes is a central struggle of ADHD: difficulty accomplishing goals. Learn how this trait is tied to executive dysfunction, plus ways to meet your goals with action"

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a medical diagnosis but a helpful way to frame a persistent ADHD challenge: the inability to further goals with timely action. Here, learn about the executive function deficits that give rise to “intention deficits,” plus ways to bridge the gap between objectives and tactics.”

 

“Think of ADHD as a performance disorder. People with ADHD know what they need to do, but they struggle – greatly, at times – to transform intention into action, whether that’s preparing for a test or finalizing an important project at work. It’s an issue directly tied to the executive function difficulties inherent in ADHD. And yet, this very real challenge of ADHD is often mistaken for laziness and lack of motivation, which many breed low self-esteem and even depression.”

 

(And I'd like to add so many descriptions come to mind from my observations as a therapist and workplace consultant and from my experiences with my own ADHD: Procrastination, Perfectionism, Ambivalence, Avoidance, Anxiety, Fear of failure and even Fear of Success!) 

I've written lots of blogs on these topics - see the categories archive list on the right side of this page.)

 

On a personal note, it helps me to think of ADHD as related to Intention – and keeps me from getting caught up in the cycle of disappointment that too often feels like rejection.

 

Here are some highlights and tips from Russell Blakely:

 

Unpacking Intention Deficit Disorder: The ADHD Struggle to Perform

Executive Dysfunction Affects Behavior and Performance Executive

1.   Dysfunction Muddles Time

2.   Intention Deficit Turns Everything Into a Crisis

3.   Intention Deficit Looks Like Laziness

 

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Turning Intention Into Action

1. Externalize time by using external representations of time — like calendars, white boards, visual timers

2. Bring the future to the present –– Dividing long-term goals into smaller, contiguous steps is one way

3. Ensure motivation along the way –– some ideas:

• short breaks in between longer bursts of work
• body doubles, or accountability partners
• visualizing rewards and positive outcomes

 

Here is the link for the complete ATTitudeMag.com piece:

bit.ly/3e7K5PY

(By the way, on a personal note: one of my favorite paths to success is working with the company of another person!)

 

And some links to a whole bunch of articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

bit.ly/3KBTETB

 

Would love to hear your responses to all this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

When Showoffmanship Becomes Self-Sabotage

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been planning to write another blog about self-sabotage . . . and then it just about wrote itself when the best ever revealing examples materialized during Gov. Romney's trip to Great Britain, Israel and Poland.

My purpose is not to make a political statement here, but I can't resist using these recent terrific illustrations of self-sabotage.

When Showoffmanship Becomes Self-Sabotage

It's easy to self-sabotage. Just open mouth, insert foot. And showing off is a sure-fire way of accomplishing this.

The Romney campaign's pre-journey press release emphasized how his three country trip was intended to boost his foreign policy credentials. His aides expressed hope the tour would offer opportunities for Gov. Romney to show statesmanship and demonstrate he can be an effective world leader. His aides stated his travel abroad was to "learn and listen."

Unfortunately Mr. Romney's  'learn and listen' intention quickly turned into 'self-importance and showoffmanship.'

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

You've probably heard the stories too many times, so I'll briefly summarize how these incidents look a lot to me like self-sabotage. Mitt Romney offended his British hosts when he questioned whether London sufficiently prepared for the Olympics. I suppose when you've been Chief Executive of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games you may think you know a little something about organizing the event - and you probably do.

But why choose to puff yourself up by showing your superior knowledge in a way that makes your hosts look inadequate? Unless the need to show off takes precedence over good sense.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot  – Yet Again

The next stop was Israel where Gov. Romney made a statement about differences in the Palestinian and Israeli cultures. Seems to me making this kind of comparison assumes you've done some research. But then again, a little knowledge goes a long way in getting us into trouble - especially when we are showing it off.

Making comparative statements about cultures is a sure-fire way of offending people. Surely not the wisest diplomatic comment if you're trying to be President of the United States.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot  – Third Time's a Charm

And then came Poland. That's the place where Rick Gorka, Mitt Romney's traveling spokesperson, became irritated by a reporter's questions and yelled out to the press corps (and the world)  “kiss my a**” and “shove it.”Was Gorka imitating his boss and showing off? Was he puffing himself up and bullying? He managed to anger the press - not a great way to endear yourself or the candidate you are spokesperson for. Sure looks like another example of sabotaging behavior.

It seems Mr. Romney and his aides managed to get quite a few people to feel slighted and take things personally during this foreign tour. That's unfortunate because it would have been a fine opportunity for this presidential hopeful to show his presidential-ness and prowess at diplomacy. Instead, his showoffmanship backfired and ends up looking a lot like self-sabotage. 

Opposing Voices in Stereophonic Sound

Self-sabotage is often a reflection of ambivalence. By this I mean an internal conflict is playing out - a clash between two opposing voices: "I can. I can't." "I want to. I don't." Might Mr. Romney be feeling some conflict here about being The Prez? Could there be two conflicting messages regarding his desire to be president and his self-doubt about his ability to do a good job?

Have you ever craved the prestige of a position of importance, yet secretly feared you might not have what it takes to get the job done? Maybe you felt a bit insecure. Maybe not quite comfortable in your own skin. If you think negative thoughts about doing it, you may conjure up some sort of  stumbling block. And then, of course, you don't have to find out if you really are capable.

The influence of ambivalence is of course not restricted to politicians and their staffs. Nor is it only showoffmanship that can trip us up. When those conflicting voices start reverberating, we manage to find creative ways to sabotage ourselves in our personal and professional relationships.

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. It happens when self-doubt creeps in.
The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'

My favorite description of 'sabotage' is the intriguing image that history offers.

Origins of "Sabotage" – Clogging Up the Machinery

You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

Over the years I've become quite the expert at sabotaging myself. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone. More times than I can count, I've not listened to that small warning voice, and blurt out something inappropriate.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things before sending them out and I try to plan carefully so I don't mess up.

Do you find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about your capability and competence? Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy? Do you ever block our success by working against your own best interests?

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our health and well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves. And we get pretty good at it too!

Have you ever pushed yourself so hard bicycling or running or on the treadmill that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for a week or two? Could this be a form of self-sabotage?

When we don't listen to our inner voice, we miss opportunities, Or conversely, we might ignore that warning voice that pops us when we are about to say something that could get us into trouble. You know the voice I mean, " The one that says" Best to keep your mouth shut  – now!" And all too often we don't listen. Many of us could sure benefit from developing a good filtering system.

Sometimes we allow ourselves to be influenced by a friend, advisor, coach, or therapist? "Do this." "Say that," "Write what I suggest." And we find ourselves blindly following their suggestion without thinking it through. Sometimes we don't  consider the repercussions or the effect of our words or actions on others. (As arelationship and workplace coach, I've learned how the misuse of power can be counter-productive. Even though my clients ask for 'advice,' I try to present ideas as 'options' and 'choices.')

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught. Maybe there's some ambivalence about getting away with something and a part sort of wants to be found out. It's easy enough to get forgetful and leave materials or devices around that others might find. 

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we have a need for self punishment – especially for the litany of times we think we've done something "bad."

Because  these thoughts are often below our radar we're not aware of them. If you want to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, you have to know you're doing it. If you can't see something, you can't change it. 

When you recognize your doubts and fears you begin to understand how they affect your behavior.

For many of us self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. We deflect anxiety through avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism and making excuses. 

By 'walking alongside yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and actions, you can make a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Try Asking Yourself:

- Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about? What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?
- Which do I fear more – failure or success?
-  What's the worst thing that could happen? Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person. Hearing yourself say the words helps take the charge off of the fear.

Wouldn't it be great to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com

or email me at:
[email protected]

Until next month,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 

Puttering Around with Perfectionism

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been referring lately in "Tips From the Queen Of Rejection" to how striving for perfectionism results in lost opportunities. And you've been writing in, asking me to say more. 

"You Can't Do Anything Right!"

I've struggled with perfectionism since childhood - always feeling no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do anything right. At home and in school the messages I got was:

"That's not good enough."
 "What makes you think you can do that?"
"Your cousin did better than you did."

And even though I think I've changed and gained the upper hand with my need to be perfect, folks around me are not always so sure!

If you've read my books and articles or attended my workshops, you know I see perfectionism as a way of protecting ourselves from rejection.

In other words, we strive to do something perfectly so we don't leave space for someone to say, "It's not good enough." As a result, we can develop unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We might even fall off our own pedestal.

By trying to avoid feelings of disappointment and rejection we may put off beginning the project or task. Yep, that's procrastination.

Look at it this way: we might be trying to avoid the anxiety or stress that comes with feeling bad or inadequate. And we may end up feeling even badder, more inadequate, and more rejecting or ourselves. In future e-letter/blogs I'll write more about my ideas on perfectionism - where it comes from and how to get it to work for you and not against you!

If you have thoughts about what aspects of perfectionism you'd like me to focus on or if you have your own experiences with procrastination to share, email me at [email protected] or comment on my blog site, www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

A Fresh Perspective

When we've been struggling with something for a long time, sometimes it's helpful to bring a fresh perspective to how we see it. 

My friend and professional speaking colleague, Scott "Q" Marcus does exactly this as he suggests we strive for imperfection for a change.
 

Striving for Imperfection:Stop Doing Nothing Perfectly and Do ANYTHING Well!

by Scott "Q" Marcus

I have an interesting take on the pursuit of “perfection.”

Striving to be perfect is at best a barrier to actually getting “better,” and — in many cases — an excuse or a justification to avoid having to change one’s bad habits.

A bold or unusual view? Maybe; but, as an example, let’s take a common scenario. Suppose you decided to do something about those “few extra pounds” you’ve been carrying around lately. With fierce determination, you emphatically announce that you’re giving up anything sweet, fried, gooey, crispy, brown, sugary, or with even a hint of alcohol. Furthermore, you will start writing down everything you eat, cook with only organic ingredients, read all labels, consume unprocessed nutrients only, count all calories — and, on top of all that, start a daily 5AM walking program.

“I’m going to be perfect on my program,” you boast, with chest proudly swelled, to anyone who will listen.

And you are – until the end of the first day.

By nightfall, the constant drone of annoying phone calls, interruptions, cranky constituents, unmet deadlines, and various other unexpected events has you drained. You drag your tired soul into the house, drop your purse on the table, collapse on the couch, exhausted, and tell yourself, “One beer won’t hurt. Besides, after a day like today, I deserve it.”

That’s true. Those 20 pounds weren’t caused by “one beer.” The extra weight was actually caused by the thought that follows.

As you lick the last remnants of golden foam from the glass, you are reminded of the promise you made yourself. The thought immediately explodes into the forefront of your mind: “Oh-oh, I blew my diet!” There is a pause while you consider your next step. But before you can tell yourself it’s only a minor slippage and get back on track, the next spark that scampers across your tired gray cells is, “Well, as long as I blew it, I might as well REALLY blow it. I can always start again tomorrow.”

Once the dam has broken loose, the remainder of the evening consists of “one last night” of scavenging the kitchen, finishing off the ice cream, tearing into the bar of chips, eating the peanut butter from the jar, swallowing a pound of cheese slices, and — oh yes — making sure the six pack of beer will be gone before you go to bed. You do all these (or at least you tell yourself), “so you won’t be tempted tomorrow. If I can get it all out of the house, I’ll be OK.”

It sounds good in the moment. And when the alarm buzzes the next morning at 5AM, reminding you to do your walking program, you think, “Oy, it’s so early. I’ll start that on Monday.”

You head to work, face the same day you faced yesterday. (After all, aren’t most days pretty similar?) And, at days end, you come home, collapse on the couch — and repeat the process.

So it goes…

The problem lies not in drinking a beer or having some ice cream, but in the thoughts that lead to the actions; as well as those that follow.

It’s the belief that I have to be “perfect” that gets in the way of actually making improvement.

For example, if instead of perfection, the goal had been to be “better about my health,” the diet would have been off to a great start on day one. Yet, since the measure of success was all or nothing – perfection or failure – day one fell within the loss column. In a world made only of blacks and whites, a near miss is as bad as big miss. There is no difference. Since we can never be perfect, we will always be falling short. Since we’re falling short, we’re a failure. Since we’re a failure, why even bother to change?

Labeling events “success” or “failure” is more than semantics.

When we “fail”, we seek comfort. Although “bad” behaviors might not be healthy, they are comforting. That’s why we do them; for emotional support. It’s ironic, but focusing on our failures therefore actually increases the odds of engaging in those very “failing” behaviors.

On the other side of the coin, if we can focus on successes — no matter how small they seem — we are inspired, which sharpens the senses, allowing new feelings and, therefore new ideas to move to the forefront of our thoughts. As a result, new patterns are generated; negative behaviors are reduced. There is as much truth to the statement that “success breeds success” as there is to the truism I share in my seminars and keynote speeches, “If guilt and shame were motivational, we’d all be happier, healthier, and more successful.”

This is not to say ignore what doesn’t work.

That’s just plain stupid. However, to change the results we get, we first have to change our view; because the reality is we cannot change anything but that and our own behaviors. Our co-workers, family members, constituents, council members, might — and I say might — make minor changes to accommodate us, sure; but the bottom line is we will still have to adjust what we do. It is imperative, especially in the challenging times in which we now find ourselves, that we must find ways to congratulate ourselves whenever possible and be less hard on our ourselves when we mess up.

Success only comes in small steps. That’s frustrating, sure; however, failure arrives in a great big clanging, bang, and all at once. The choice of what we call the results of our actions can make all the difference in how well we do what we do.

Strive for Imperfection: Don’t try and do it all, just do one thing more than you did before, congratulate yourself for that. Repeat as necessary.

About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus is a professional speaker and the CRP of www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com, a website for people and organizations who are frustrated with making promises and are ready to make a change. Sign up for his free newsletter at the site or friend him at facebook.com/thistimeimeanit. He is also available for coaching and speaking engagements at 707.442.6243 or [email protected]

Newsflash!  Elayne Featured in New Series: "Getting Past What Holds You Back"

Scott Marcus is presenting "Getting Past What Holds You Back," a new series of  interactive conference calls with proven experts on how to enhance your relationships, build your career, increase your wealth, find your passion, and stay balanced.
 
Each call will be one-hour in length and open to the public. (Advance registration is required.) And there is no charge!

The first call is September 30 at 11am PST with Mike Domitrz on "Finding Your Passion:."

I am honored to be part of this exciting series. Look for me in February to talk on what holds you back in relationships.

For more information on these programs and guest experts, go to:
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I hope you'll listen in . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

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