Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Bullying and Disrespect: the Supreme Court Hearings and on the Oscars Stage

by Elayne Savage, PhD

         ©Can Stock Photo / gina_sanders

 

When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

And that feeling sure took over during the last few days watching the confirmation hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson and watching Chris Rock tease and make a joke at Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense with husband Will Smith defending her honor and feelings and bullying back by slapping him across the face!  

Bullying is the intentional use of power over
another person to humiliate that person or make
them feel rejected and ‘less than.’

These are some common bully behaviors:

Accusing

Arrogant

Insulting

Coercive

Discrediting

Discounting

Demeaning

Slighting

Belittling

Mocking

Criticizing

Baiting

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Condescending

Interrupting

Shaming

Smearing

Spreading rumors

‪Excluding

Offending

Scorning

Contemptuous

Name-calling

Teasing

Sarcasm

Taunting

Verbal battering

Picking fights

Assaulting, ‪shoving

Taking cheap shots

The “can’t you take a joke” variety – at someone’s expense.

 

These kinds of behaviors can feel hurtful and rejecting even when they are not malicious.

 

Can you add to the list through your observations or personal experiences?

There were a wide variety of these bullying behaviors at the Judge Jackson's Senate Judiciary hearings. I was stunned at the barrage of disrespect, bigotry and hostility directed at Judge Jackson. It actually seemed to me as if some of the Senators might be feeling threatened by the fact that she is a brilliant, educated, accomplished Black woman.

Then just a few days later we saw the teasing ‘can’t you take a joke’ variety of bullying by Chris Rock and the boundary-less defensive reaction by Will Smith that it caused at the Oscars ceremony.

With the onslaught of all these bullying happenings, no wonder I was having a PTSD-like experience.

 

A Major Truth About Bullies

The Judicial Committee Senators behavior illustrates a major truth about most bullies:

The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him or herself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable.

So to feel better about themselves they take a 'tough' stance and puff themselves up by trying to diminish the other person.

Another thing: bullies need an audience.

And some bullies lack empathy. Because they seem not to have a conscience they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.

The discomfort I was feeling about the Judge Jackson confirmation hearing was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, and the constant rude interrupting of the candidate’s answers. 

However I think for me the most unsettling aspects of the questioning was the undercurrent of hateful anger and the obvious grandstanding at the expense of Judge Jackson in order to enhance the Senators visibility and to positively influence future office-seeking. 

 

It Starts in the Sandbox



I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:  

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it 
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another.

The 
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do?  
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend 
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”



Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, 
belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

But rejection 
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in 
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect 
which we perceive as rejection.


 

Bullied Much of My Life

 You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces  — and I was an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.

One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to these recent bullying instances was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears associated with them. Memories of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me, or spit at me.

Yes, spit. That's what my next door neighbors did –

They spit across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. as they called us ‘Dirty Jews.” And their teenage son Johnny used to block me with his bike in the alley and threaten to beat me up.

How sad and confusing for me at 7 years old – I really liked Marian, the little girl who lived in that house next door. We would spend hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to popular songs.

And Marian taught me the words to

"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 My bambino kook-a la goombah 
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 my bambino go to sleep!" 

This lullaby still lives in my head.

And I’ll always remember the day Marian and I took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.

Sadly these pleasant experiences became a little more tarnished each time her parents spit at me or my family, acting like they hated us.

Even in college I was bullied when a sorority sister repeatedly ‘cobwebbed’ my lower bunk bed by tightly stretching thread from post to post so on the dark sleeping porch when I climbed into bed, the thread would cut my skin.

I’ve done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.

After the show the cameraman came up to me and asked if I was OK and tried to reassure me I did fine in spite of the bullying.

 I don’t get bullied so much any more or at least the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful even when unintentional.

 

Different Degrees of Resilience

Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves:

- Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice

- Misunderstanding what someone says or means

- Getting on each others nerves

- Overreacting to perceived slights

- Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally

 

Let’s face it; some of us are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.

The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.

It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed and this could have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about the safety of our world and our ability to trust the people in it.

 

Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries

Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have a much of a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like.

If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?

If you are unable to notice and recognize your own inappropriate behavior, how can you choose to change it?

For most of us on the receiving end, bullying is disrespectful and rejecting behavior.

 

Here’s a reprint of my Diss List

 

I would love to have a dialogue with you about all of this . . .

Regarding the Chris Rock/Will Smith debacle: there have been several angles for reflection on the backstories. I know from my work as a social worker and psychotherapist there are some points worth considering in this piece from the Harvard Gazette: Wait — what if Will Smith was just being a man?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Tip-toeing Through Thanksgiving

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I wrote my first Thanksgiving Survival blog November 2007. That year I described how the stressful times we live in contributed to acrimony at  the table.
 
The know-it-all uncle who always has to always be  right or the aunt who loves to tease and embarrass someone are again guests at the  table.

 

Over the years I would describe these kinds of unpleasant exchanges with right-on observations and  clever humor.

 

Things aren’t so funny anymore . . .

 

Back in 2017 I wrote:

“Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious –– especially in stressful times.

“Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

“How can you best stay calm when folks around 
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact, 
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.”

 

Oh, man. How naïve I was back then about the ravages of stress. Covid has produced even more unrelenting uncertainty, fears for personal safety and security, and for some of us, even a sense of alarm.

 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe – and here in California the smoky air from months of fires this last year didn’t help matters.

 

So grateful to have my room air purifier!

 

So here comes Thanksgiving again . . .

Thinking positive thoughts of gratitude could be a difficult thing to do while sitting at the dinner table with relatives who have much different ideas about masks or vaccinations or inflation or ballot recounts or immigration or social justice or protests or riots or guns and rifles or climate change or universal pre-K or women’s right to choose or voting rights or infrastructure or childcare or subpoenas and indictments or various trials.

 

So much intensity and bitterness and everybody seems to be ready to pick a fight, needing to be right – and to make everybody else ‘and wrong and bad.’

 

Are there any topics you feel safe talking about?

 

So let’s prepare ourselves in case there is discord at the table. Here are a few ideas and options I’ve offered over the last 15 years and maybe some new ones too.

 

Uncle George is at the table again. Lately he has been more blustery and obnoxious then ever before. In the past you’ve been embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to be heard above his rants and to make your point.

 

So how do you handle him this year?

- Remind yourself he tries to ‘bait’ you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’

 

• Imagine you are watching family members as characters in Theatre of the Absurd

It usually helps is to take a step back, reminding yourself that observing the drama of your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd.

 

Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes and dialogue sound surreal.

 

Maybe by creating a little distance you might even find them somewhat entertaining in their weirdness.

 

Using this observational perspective about the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to protect from hurt feelings and to not take things so personally.

 

• Stay aware of appropriate personal boundaries when the other person transgresses your emotional or physical boundaries.

From Breathing Room

“Having good 
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our 
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space 
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person 
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

 

You may want to set your own safety rules around hugs and kisses because of Covid, and its OK to say “I need you to respect my safety requests here.

 

• Try to be mindful of your thoughts, words and reactions and remind yourself you can make choices about how you respond.

You may have heard this from me before: walk alongside yourself, and mindfully notice your thoughts and feelings and reactions. (Mindful means ‘without judgment’!). 

 

Recognizing and ‘naming’ our thoughts and feelings helps to avoid getting swept up in the moment, slows down the intensity and helps you identify your options for responding.

 

If we can’t recognize it, if it’s a blindspot, we can’t make the choice to change it. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for seeing our options for how we respond. 

 

Just because we disagree with someone, doesn’t mean we have to argue or force our point of view.

 

Can you listen respectfully, without interrupting or arguing or rolling your eyes. If someone feels dissed by your words, tone or attitude, they might overreact and that’s when things get out of control.

 

And speaking of respect. Here’s a tip I have offered for decades in my workshops and to therapy and workplace consulting clients for dealing with toxic bosses or colleagues:

 

Since infancy we look into someone’s eyes hoping to find validation and respect. So we are quick to recognize it and respond positively (and quick to respond negatively if we feel rejected – disrespected or dismissed.

 

• Turning negative energy into a respectful, positive conversation

I suggest trying to employ the concept of reciprocity to encourage an exchange of positive, respectful energy between you and the other person.

 

Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the behavior of the other.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Can you find something to like or appreciate about the person you are talking with? This can be a real attribute you find likeable or it can be something more subtle like their smile, their choice of colors, their hair style, their laugh. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with something.

 

Then focus on that feature while you are interacting. They will see respect in your eyes and almost always respond the same to you!

 

• Strategize escape routes if things start getting off track

– Excuse yourself from the table and walk yourself into the bathroom for a few minutes, close the door and breath deeply.

– Walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water or to help out the host.

– Make a deal with yourself before the dinner that you will give yourself permission to leave early if you are feeling too stressed and upset. Plan out beforehand your excuse for leaving.

 

• And the best survival tactic is to not take things so personally – it’s probably not really about you!

Aunt Judy will be at the table this year too. You have always dreaded her unrelenting obnoxious comments that make you want to crawl under the table and disappear when she broadcasts stories about your childhood insecurities: “You always were too sensitive.”

 

Try being direct about her boundary transgressions: “Aunt Judy, in celebrating this time of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories about me.”

 

Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others..

 

Can you remind yourself that her snide comments to you are most likely reflections of her own insecurities that she is projecting onto you.

 

Can you remind yourself that it’s probably not about you can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in awkward and unsettling situations. Someone’s judgments, criticisms or accusations might only be their projection onto you of their own unacceptable and disowned parts of themselves.

 

These unacknowledged feelings can include
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, 
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency."

 

Keep reminding yourself these kinds of criticisms are really about the other person – not about you – so try not to take it personally!

 

• Remind yourself not get pulled in when the fisherman throws out bait by their teasing, accusations, mean-spiritedness, or cluelessness.

Can you choose not to be the fish that bites the bait?

 

In my 2015 Thanksgiving blog I wrote this quote from Master Yoda:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

 

Would you agree the meaning is so much more profound today?

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates this holiday . . . and wishing everyone a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation – wherever you reside in the world . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Predatory Behavior, Bullying, Screaming and Smashing – Oh My

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

           © Can Stock Photo / Zeferli

 

 

The news is overflowing again with accusations of bullying, harassment, traumatizing verbal abuse, predatory sexual behavior and exploitation.

 

 

The press is full of examples of Producer Scott Rudin’s various out-of-control behaviors. The Hollywood Reporter Headline shouts: "Everyone Just Knows He's an Absolute Monster" and the New York Times headline screams “Volatile and Vengeful: How Scott Rudin Wielded Power in Show Business.”

 

 

About volatility: “he is also known within the entertainment world for terrorizing underlings, hurling staplers, cellphones, mugs and other improvised projectiles in moments of rage.”

 

About being callous and vengeful –– sounds like payback for perceived slights. It’s a good guess he is most likely taking something personally and reacting by lashing out.  

 

 

Ex-staffers describe how Rudin routinely screamed at them:

 

“Why are you so stupid?”

“You’re a hopeless idiot.”

“A clown car is running this office.”

“You’re a pathetic loser.”

 

 

Rita Wilson describes how she felt “worthless, unvaluable and replaceable.”

 

 

These are the same phrases I hear from so many of my clients as they describe  traumatizing words they repeatedly heard from family, teachers, mentors, coaches or bosses.

 

 

Bullying is usually a big part of the experience. And accompanying feelings of rejection, betrayal, and loss of security and trust arising from hurtful bullyingcan continue to affect relationships for years to come.

 

 

I know about this firsthand. I can tell that I’m feeling threatened and unsafe when I have a visceral reaction. Bullying and harassing will do it every time. Even teasing, whether obvious or subtle, can feel abusive to me, just like it did in my childhood.

 

 

More Stories of Inappropriate Behavior

 

At the same time as the Rudin reporting, the New Orleans Times-Picayune, the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times was reporting on the sexual assault and rape allegations about Blake Bailey, the author of a recent biography of Phillip Roth. Almost as soon as the book was published this story broke, and it was taken out of print by publisher W.W.Norton.

 

 

Stories began surfacing from several of Bailey’s students about when they were 12 year old eighth graders in the 1990s when he was teaching English at a New Orleans charter school.

 

 

These now-adults are describing how he singled out his “special girls,” making inappropriate comments about their bodies and wondering aloud when they might lose their virginity.

 

 

Some of these same "special girls" are now reporting that he forcibly initiated sex once they became adults and he confided how  he has “wanted” them since they were in eighth grade but waiting until the age of consent which is 17 in Louisiana.

 

 

“Grooming them” is the term being used.

 

 

And notably, all of the women who spoke to the Times-Picayune are reporting they viewed their encounters with Mr. Bailey as fundamentally unbalanced because of their student-teacher relationship.

 

 

Let’s look at the ways these unbalanced power relationships may have caused confusion and long-term problems for these students.

 

 

The Real Problem: Imbalance and Misuse of Power and Authority

 

 

Power relationships can exist in a wide range of industries and venues:  teachers, coaches, bosses, mentors, physicians and other health professionals, social workers, psychotherapists, attorneys, religious and spiritual leaders and cult-like figures.

 

 

Yes, it is this imbalance in relationships that can lead to much confusion when students, patients and clients understandably look to and depend on their ‘helpers’ as all-powerful experts and authorities.

 

 

In their need to see the ‘helper’ as all-powerful, they may find themselves giving up their own power in the presence of the helper. This imbalance can add to their confusion about the relationship.

 

 

It is this imbalance and misuse and abuse of power, authority and control that I’m addressing here.

 

 

There has been way too little written about the long-term effects of this abuse of power and authority.  I have blogged about this a few times in the past and as I write, I’m borrowing freely from previous pieces, including my focus on bullying behavior.

 

 

Abuse of Power Exists Everywhere

 

The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the more obvious sense of entitlement that exists and drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.

 

 

Seems to me part of the problem is these folks often don't have a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like. If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them? If you don’t even recognize your own bad behavior, how can you choose to change it?

 

 

Some Power Abuses are Low Visibility but High Frequency . . .
 

 

Subtle and overlooked misuses and abuses of power and control exist all around us.

 

 

Abuse of power and authority exists due to some form of status imbalance in both personal and professional relationships. Abuse of power can be obvious or understated, intended or not.

 

 

In my consulting and therapy practice, I hear descriptions of all kinds of disrespectful, dismissive, and discounting interactions. I hear about faulting and blaming and not taking responsibility for actions by making the other person ‘wrong and bad,' a form of gaslighting.

 

 

You can probably guess how often I can hear the hurt and pain when these memories resurface and are described.

 

 

Controlling and sometimes coercive interactions are all around us, yet clients and workshop attendees seem to be surprised when they realize how much power doctors or coaches or teachers or psychotherapists may actually have.

 

 

They begin to see the bigger picture as I describe how students, patients and clients understandably look to their ‘helpers’ as experts and authorities. Yet in their need to see them as ‘all powerful’ they may tend to give up their own power, self-confidence and self-sufficiency.

 

Many years ago when I was a first-year psychology graduate student, I was required to read Power in the Helping Professions by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig.

 

 

My dusty, dog-eared copy is 41 years old now. I find myself re-reading and re-thinking these important power and authority discussions.

 

 

Because I’ve been in the ‘helping professions’ for decades as a Child Protective Services social worker  and as a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in rejection, I’m reminded often that power is often bestowed upon me –– especially if I notice ‘the helper’ role creeping in. It’s difficult to shed; after all, it’s been my ‘job-description’ since I was a child!

 

 

The situation with helpers becomes more complex when someone puts them on a pedestal and wraps them in unrealistic expectations. What happens when the 'helper' disappoints and falls off their pedestal?

 

 

As I often say: disappointment often feels like rejection . . . and rejection hurts!

 

 

"It’s about getting away with something....that's exciting"

 

 

I want to recommend a fascinating piece by Mimi Kramer on ‘The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women.’  I don’t agree with everything she writes, however her personal observations are a good read and I love this paragraph:

 

 

"That, right there — I’d argue — is the impulse behind sexual harassment. It’s about getting away with something. It’s about seeming to be one sort of person.…while really being A Very Bad Boy. That’s exciting for some men. Not the being bad part. The getting-away-with-it part. It isn’t just about power over individuals, the women you victimize. It’s about power over society and the court of public opinion, the thrill of risking everything on one roll of the dice, knowing that it isn’t really all that much of a risk — because nobody will believe her.”

 

 

 

Reliving the Trauma

 

 

As more of these kinds of stories emerge I find myself respecting the courage of those who have come forward. This has been giving many of us permission to tap into our own courage to remember and tell our own stories of inappropriate power plays.

 

 

We all have different ways of processing and different degrees of resilience.

 

These kinds of traumatic experiences are powerful. Even seemingly subtle experiences – can be traumatizing — and might affect each of us in different ways.  Sometimes buried memories begin coming back which often involves reliving the trauma. Sometimes memories and visceral reactions can resurface when there is a new experience of feeling fearful and unsafe. 

 

This is Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) which is associated with repeated trauma.

 

We each have our unique responses, including experiencing long-term repercussions and easily recognizable visceral reactions to inappropriate or abusive personal boundary crossings which affect our feelings of safety and trust.

 

 

We each have absorbed messages from these traumatic experiences –– messages about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it.

 

 

What do you know about your early messages from adults who you looked up to?

How do these experiences and messages affect your relationships now?

 

 

For more info, here are a few links:

The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women
 

 

About Scott Rudin:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/24/theater/scott-rudin.html

 

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/features/everyone-just-knows-hes-an-absolute-monster-scott-rudins-ex-staffers-speak-out-on-abusive-behavior

 

About Blake Bailey:

Vox: https://www.vox.com/culture/22398138/blake-bailey-philip-roth-biography-rape-sexual-assault-accusations-allegations-grooming

NYT: https://www.nola.com/news/education/article_6f42e110-a3bc-11eb-affa-27a3b58b8c95.html

 

 

More on Power, Control and Authority from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

Are Poor Personal Boundaries the Culprit for Sexual Misconduct?  12/2017
 

 

Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere  10/2017

Outbursts of Outrage - Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?   05/2020  

 

 

More on Bullying from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully    4/2007
 

 

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back    6/2010
 

Bullying– Just a Little Locker Room Humor   11/2013

 

 

 

More about PTSD

 

Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring on PTSD       1/2021

 

 

© Elayne Savage

 

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Last month I blogged about the complexity and confusion about family ‘rules,’ using stories about the Royal Family as a segue into this often troubling topic.

 

I was pointing out how rules get passed down from generation to generation and these generational, cultural and gender differences can lead to relationship problems.

 

I described how the problem areas are usually generational, gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

 

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

Some of you were curious about how these messages might contribute to difficult situations in the workplace, especially around feeling unappreciated, misunderstood and rejected,

 

Serendipitously I received a request for an interview from Ariana Huffington’s new well-being site, Thrive Global.

 

The topic was:  

Bradley Cooper Got Snubbed for Best Director. Here’s What It Can Teach Us About Handling a Letdown at Work.
Being passed over hurts. Here are solid strategies for moving forward.  

 

And a huge influence of how we handle rejection and disappointment in the workplace is based on spoken and unspoken messages that we learned in our family.

Let’s take a look at how these generational family messages influence our interactions.

 

A Jam-Packed Room

 

Has this ever happened to you?

 

You are having a meeting with your manager or co-worker. You open your mouth to say something and someone else’s words come out.

 

The words or tone seem to take on their own powerful energy. What just happened here?

 

Well, first of all, there are not just two people in the room. Each of you has several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers. And every one of them has to have their say, each has to get a word in, or an opinion, or a judgment or advice.

And you may find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and not having a clue where on earth these words came from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

Because each participant’s family is floating around the office, the room can get crowded by all the thoughts and beliefs of each family member wanting to put in his or her two cents’ worth to liven up the discussion or negotiations. Again, all those old messages and influences need to be recognized and identified and booted out to make room for the thoughts and words of the two people involved.

 

The Power of Cultural Influences on Our Workplace Interactions

 

Our families learned their “ways” via cultural influences going back many generations, affecting beliefs and values, comfortable closeness and distance. Our frame of reference is our cultural upbringing.

 

Cultural experiences can create different styles that lead to misunderstandings and taking things personally. For example, families of various ethnic backgrounds may show caring and connection to others by raising their voices, by nagging, through food, by doing favors to curry favor.

 

Let’s look at “culture” as meaning gender attitudes, ethnicity, country, area of the country, and even our city and neighborhood. All of these factors can influence how we think about time and space, our comfort zone, and how we learn to balance closeness and distance. Let’s classify these variations as “style differences” and take a look at how they influence our work environment.

 

Privacy vs. Intrusiveness

 

A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’
I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.
 
For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors. Can you can see how there night be privacy issues her where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?

 

I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.

 

Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.

 

Communication: Definition vs. Vagueness

 

Another difference of style learned in our families has to do with whether conversations are clear and direct or general and vague. Maybe your families style was to encourage defined agreements, with a beginning and end. Or, maybe their style was to be casual, unplanned, noncommittal. Trying to discuss or negotiate with a co-worker or manager with a different communication style from yours can be maddening.

 

Asking Questions: Encouraged or Forbidden?

 

Some of us grew up in a family where curiosity and asking questions was welcomed or discouraged. I hear stories that in some families asking questions was even forbidden.

 

One man I know was afraid to ask his manager to clarify things and pretended he understood how to approach a task or project when he really didn’t. The reason? In his family if he asked a question the response was, “Are you stupid or something?” So at work he was petrified someone would think he was stupid so he avoided clarifying. Instead he was spending enormous amounts of energy trying to figure things out and worrying about how he might screw up.

 

There are lots of stories in Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection about how family messages color our workplace situations including poor communication leading to misunderstandings and taking things personally, the need to appear perfect, struggles about asking for a raise or to be assigned a certain project, or promotion, excessive worrying about an imagined negative outcome, feeling left out of  peer socializing, unrealistic expectations that lead to huge disappointments that feel like rejection.

 

So Where Do These Messages Come From?

 

When we consider the backdrop of early experiences, beliefs, and rules, the meanings and intentions of present interactions become clearer.

 

Situations at your job may replicate your very own growing up experiences. You might have to work with someone who ignores you, or insults and bullies you, or does not treat you fairly. So you may find similar issues coming up at work that you experienced growing up—things such as loyalties and betrayals, secrets, alliances and coalitions, and communication deviances. You may find yourself reacting the way your family “taught” you to react.

 

Where exactly do these generational messages come from? How can you learn to recognize them, especially the subtle ones?

 

I often do a genogram with clients to look for family patterns. In this family diagram it’s helpful to go back three generations, even if names and details aren’t known. This isn’t a diagram of history like a family tree where you look for dates and historical facts; it’s diagram of repetitive patterns and family messages that get passed down from generation to generation. I like to try to go back three generations.

 

 

 

 

Because of my interest in how fear of rejection affects personal and work relationships, I tend to look for patterns of acceptance or rejection messages that might have been passed down. This includes the unavailability of parents due to work priorities or substance use or separation/divorce. It includes family “scripts” such as good/ bad, success/failure. Other messages passed down are personal safety issues, trust issues, guilt feelings and anger. It includes the necessity of leaving their county because their life depended on it or being forced coerced to leave.  

And then we can look for various patterns of abandonment, such as chronic illness or early deaths or sudden moves by parents.  

When we did a genogram, one man discovered a pattern of disownings that took different forms throughout the generations. He’d had no idea such occurrences happened in his family. No wonder her felt so unappreciated and unsupported at work.

What Can We Do About This?

–– Work toward developing clear respectful communication, avoiding misunderstandings. Yes, even though I know it can be difficult, I encourage and coach my therapy and workplace consulting clients to practice asking questions to make sure they are clear about someone’s meaning.

These four questions help to achieve clarity if meaning is unclear to you:
 “This is what I heard you say ____________________.
 Is it what you said?
 Is it what you meant?”

(The person you are checking out meaning with gets 3 opportunities to clarify!)

–– Try to respect differences rather then feel threatened by them.

––  If a meeting or discussion starts to feel weird or overwhelming, take a “time out” to collect your thoughts.  Excuse yourself, saying, “I’ll be back in a moment.”  Go down the hall, get a drink of water, take several deep breaths, and regain your composure and balance.

Counting to ten helps a lot. And taking ten slow deep breaths along with the count helps even more.  Ten long seconds does a lot toward taking the charge off.

––  Separate the “then’ from the ‘now.” Try to remember to remind yourself that the person in the room with you is not really your Dad or Aunt Sally or Uncle Sam or your brother or sister or teacher or coach.

–– Try to keep one foot out of the quicksand. Stay in the present instead of letting the past swallow you up.

––  By “walking alongside yourself”and mindfully noticing you can be more objective about yourself and the situation.  And ‘mindful’ means without judgement.

Notice your patterns of behavior and what they lead to. Notice the response of others to you.

––  Ask yourself ”Do I want to continue down the same path or do I want to go back to the fork in the road and try out a different road to my goals.”

Changing behavior is pretty hard to do unless you can identify what the behavior is. By “walking alongside yourself” you are objectively noticing, and you can “make a choice to make a change.”
 
You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?”

Let me know if/how I can be helpful to you in this process.

 

Would love to  hear your thoughts and ideas . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Scariness of Unpredictability

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

The unpredictability and uncertainty coming out of Washington has been hugely unsettling for me. These eerily distressing behaviors throw me off balance. I worry I’m going to lose my footing, stumble and fall.

Then it dawned on me, “I experienced the same experience of disequilibrium growing up!”

My reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

There was an unspoken rule in my family: you couldn’t say you were angry, but you could act “crazy,” throwing tantrums, ranting or raging. As I often observe in my writing and workshops: “If you don’t talk it out, you act it out.” Back then there was a shitload of acting out going on.

It’s not just me. I’m hearing comments and concerns from psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients about the how the unsettling behavior in Washington affects them. Especially those who grew up in alcoholic or abusive/neglectful families or in otherwise traumatic environments.

If you have ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you may know how it feels to have this fear and anxiety.

Sometimes it’s suddenly flying into a rage. Sometimes its a freezing out with long silences. Clients describe “walking on eggshells” or “tiptoeing through minefields,” dreading becoming the object of the fury just because they made a mistake or said the wrong thing .

 

Yep, Certainly ‘Certifiably Dysfunctional’

A woman I know labels these sorts of behaviors in her family “Certifiably Dysfunctional.”

The following observations are not intended to be partisan. This is happening throughout Washington from folks we would hope to look to as our models. For some of us, we had hoped to be able to look to family as models of stability and honesty and integrity. We had hoped to be taught appropriate behavior, limits and inner controls and to learn there are consequences for inappropriate behavior. We had hoped to be provided with a sense of security and safety. We had hoped to learn to trust. But we were often disappointed back then too.

Many clients are describing how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors by our President:

– steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
– bickering, accusations and high drama
– personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
– bullying and name-calling
– blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
– boundarylessness
– illogical thinking and flawed judgment
– fuzzy and confused communication
– self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
– blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
– crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen. This is often referred to as 'gaslighting.'
– deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
– making and taking back statements, promises and threats.

You may notice how many of these behaviors have a flavor being disrespectful, invalidating, dismissive, and belittling – all facets of rejection.

I have started and restarted this blog many times but have found writing it too painful — until now. It’s time to acknowledge my own uneasiness with these behaviors and my own gut reactions.

 

 The atmosphere in Washington makes me feel fearful and insecure. A sense of foreboding creeps in: When is the other shoe going to drop? When is some kind of disconcerting out-of-bounds behavior going to happen again – big time? My concern is not if something will happen, but when.

In Don’t Take It Personally!  I describe how fear and anxiety are constant companions to children who grow up in scary situations: “They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes. So they’re always holding their breath, waiting . . . this ever-present anxiety . . .becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships."

And this kind of re-experiencing follows many of us when we start to feel vulnerable.

 

It Ain't Much But It's Home

And yet, there is another aspect here to consider. Sometimes behavior is so familiar we sort of feel comfortable with it – but for all the wrong reasons. I’m thinking of a certain uncomfortable comfort level we may have around people with poor personal boundaries if we grew up in a family where boundaries were not respected. Or the familiarity and strange sort of comfort around people who have an undertone of anger if we grew up in a volatile household. Thankfully we usually catch on to the unhealthy attraction sooner or later.

I want to be able to trust that my best interests are being respected and that our government is capable of providing enough stability to establish a climate of safety and security.

Do you, too, have ideas or reactions about the messages and behaviors coming out of Washington? If there is something you’d like to add, you can contact me under ‘comments.’on the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com or by email: elayne@QueenofRejection.com

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

A Wise Way to Handle Hurtful, Gnarly People

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I blogged about how hurtful and confusing inappropriate personal boundaries can be. You're probably aware how boundary blurring and transgressions can contaminate our relationships.

In that blog I described another form of boundary confusion: when someone projects their own feelings, thoughts, vulnerabilities or fears onto others.

The thing about psychological projection is how we to‘see’ traits or behaviors in others that remind us of ourselves. In fact, we tend to really dislike something about someone that we can’t stand about ourselves. And it’s more than an irritant – sometimes we find ourselves accusing the other person of these behaviors.

I remember years ago, how irritated I’d get with a coworker’s whiney tone of voice whenever she asked a favor. What a shock the day I realized this was the identical tone I disliked about myself,

When we are able to differentiate between ourselves and others, we can identify and respect personal boundaries. This paves the way for showing respect for the other person and in the process, respecting ourselves as well.

Both respect and disrespect are reciprocal. When someone sees respect instead of judgment in our eyes, they most likely will respond ‘right back atcha’ with respect.

Judgments Take Up Energy

I suggest to audiences and workplace and therapy clients that when we feel disappointed and discouraged by others we tend to start judging them or judging ourselves.

It helps to remind ourselves that people have limitations they may not even be aware of. The reason for this reminder is not to excuse their behavior, but to try to understand it enough that we don’t upset ourselves even more by taking their words or actions so personally and feel rejected.

I’m grateful to blog subscriber, Alannah Tomich, for her thoughts on these kinds of limitations and for sending me these views written by Ram Dass:

"When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight,  and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever.

And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn't get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don't get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.



The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying 'You are too this, or I'm too this.' That judgment mind comes in.

And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are."  – Ram Dass 

                                                 

I appreciate having access to these very visual images, keeping these ideas tucked away as a reminder we do have choices in dealing with difficult friends, teachers, lovers, family members, peers or colleagues.

I would add that trees bend this way and that as a way of protecting themselves from the elements. In the same way many of us humans have learned defenses and protections in our early years.

Maybe we, too didn’t get enough light. Or maybe we had to contort ourselves to be what others needed us to be.

Maybe these early protective stances helped us survive hurtful, scary or even dangerous situations. Perhaps now they have lost their usefulness and may instead interfere with our present relationships.

I recently shared this with my keynote audience at California State University, Northridge and the response was incredibly heartwarming. I sure wish someone had revealed this wisdom to me when I was a young adult. It would have colored many of my interactions differently.

I desperately needed some guidance on handling hurt feelings from rejection so I wrote Don’t Take It Personally! the Art of Dealing with Rejection over 20 years ago because no book existed.

Wow! What a thought: to "practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are."

I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts on Ram Dass’ ideas on humans and trees, judgment, acceptance and self-acceptance.

You can email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com or post on the blog site in the comments section at the end of the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are Poor Personal Boundaries the Culprit for Sexual Misconduct?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I blogged recently about the huge role boundary crossings and violations play in sexual harassment: Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere

Then I realized how much more there is to say about personal boundaries and I’ve been giving lots of thought to it ever since . . . .

For over 30 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate touching or teasing or flirting lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct or assault.

Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.

This disrespect often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person on the receiving end. For decades I’ve worked with clients who have experienced trauma from abuse and I’ve seen many long-buried memories and emotions come to the surface months or years later. The #MeToo responses are good examples of this.

The US Congress as well as the State of California have announced plans to provide training in sexual harassment. That’s great to hear, however I know from decades of experience that a prerequisite to harassment training has to focus on personal boundaries: Understanding what boundaries are and how they are are crossed or violated.

I strongly believe that all the sexual harassment training in the world will fall on deaf ears unless it is preceded by basic training in respect for personal boundaries.

So I have been speaking with representatives of several Congressional and State of California offices. They are interested in my ideas and have requested my input.

I provided them with what I think is a great example of confusion about appropriate personal boundaries and how poor boundaries can look like sexual harassment whether the words or actions are intended to be predatory. My example is Sen. Al Franken. Did he intend to embarrass? Did he intend to harm? Only Sen. Franken knows what led to the boundary crossings and misconduct leading his accusers to describe how his actions affected them. I’m not sure if Sen. Franken really knows what his boundary confusion was all about, but I have some guesses.

By it’s nature humor is boundary-less and Sen. Franken for many years was a stand-up comic and comedy writer for SNL. The many comics I’ve known are most successful when they don’t honor personal boundaries in their routines. It’s pretty difficult to exercise good personal boundaries when you are poking fun of everyone and everything.

I’m in no way excusing inappropriate behavior, however it often helps to understand where it comes from so it can be recognized and stopped.

A few of my stand up acquaintances have fairly good boundaries in their private lives –– but many do not. Maybe, like many of us, they didn’t have good models of boundaries growing up.

I hear lots of stories (and can tell my own) of growing up in families where respect for boundaries and personal space was pretty flimsy. People entered private spaces without knocking or expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.

Certain rules and ways of doing things in the family may have seemed ultra-strict and inflexible, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.

Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas. 


Growing Up Boundary-less

When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.

I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.

Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family. Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning.

For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.

Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.

Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.

 

Personal Boundaries 101

I have blogged several times over the years about personal boundaries. Here are some high points:

Personal boundaries are about respecting space: physical, mental and emotional. 

Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.

 Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy.

The following list of types of personal boundaries is based on the writings of John and Linda Friel:



Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.



Intellectual boundaries mean respect for ideas or thoughts for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it.” 



Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.



Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

There are also Money Boundaries, Time Boundaries and Social Boundaries.



I would add to this list: 
Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.


More about Disrespecting Personal Boundaries and Ideas for Navigating Through Boundary Confusion and How to Say ’NO”

Some of the boundary-less descriptors we’ve been hearing lately go something like this:

“inappropriate”
“hurtful”
“out of bounds”
“out of control”
“over-the-top”
“excessive”
“overstepping”
“transgressing”
“compromising integrity”
“violating”
“the line of propriety gets crossed”
“in-your-face-behavior”

Have you noticed how all of these can be perceived as disrespectful and rejecting behaviors?
Can you think of other descriptive terms to include here?

Each person comes to develop his or her own concept of the meaning of personal boundaries:

“I have a right to have the integrity of skin around me,” one woman declared in the process of our work together.

Another client realized, “I know I have boundaries when I notice that the other person’s boundaries are mushy.”

An important point that’s emerging from the #MeToo dialogue is respecting your own comfort zone and making the choice to say “NO” loud and clear and that “No” is a complete sentence! “Yes” and “No” define who we are in the moment and are great boundary setters.

So let’s not just give lip service to offering only training in sexual harassment which is just part of the whole picture. Let’s make training effective and worth while by offering the important prerequisite of the importance of personal boundaries.

Maya Angelou says it really well, “When we know better, we do better.”

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are Your Holiday Gatherings Theatre of the Absurd?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious, especially in stressful times.

Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

So here comes Thanksgiving 2017. How can you best stay calm when folks around
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact,
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in knock-down-drag out
battles and hurt feelings?

What works best for me is imagining I’m in the audience watching a Beckett
or Pirandello play – Theatre of the Absurd! These scenes are so surreal, by creating
some distance I find them entertaining in their weirdness.

This helps me keep my humor and a sense
of objectivity and I don’t take things so personally.

Some tips for getting through the Holidays:

•  Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
 using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
 one. It's almost comical.

    - Why not appreciate the humor in the situation, and try to laugh it off.
    - Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom—in control-self. Why would she
      change for the Holidays?”

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Uncle George is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to try to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.’”

Uncle George’s behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Judy’s unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. When she
sees your discomfort she goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she says in a loud whisper.You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

    - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
      slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
      situation.

    - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Judy when she shows even
      the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
      Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Judy’s behavior is a fine example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. Now he's making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

    - Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when you were
      small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

    - Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take it. You
      can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
      while you regain your composure.

    - Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
      effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a another good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

- Excuse yourself at the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be right back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate
about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, reciprocally he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking Time-Outs.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This "time-out" lets you be independent
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: Don’t Take It Personally! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you. People
project their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these
are blind spots and they're not aware of doing it. But it sure feels yuckyl

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Judy.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and sneers,
"You always were too sensitive," remind yourself that she's most likely talking
about her own feelings of being overly sensitive.

In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Judy
always took things so personally!"

This Feeling is Too Hot to Handle

More about projection: Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle.
Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself."

It's like moving your "stuff" into someone else's storage space --
for safekeeping.

Projection is a way of dealing with unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency.

If you want to read more about projection and personal boundaries, the
right side of my blog site has an archive by topic:
www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are usually not really about you. ‘


And here’s some good news: In a recent Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll nearly one-third of all adults will actively avoid political conversations when they see frie nds and family over the Thanksgiving and December holidays….About half said they do not expect to discuss politics at all!
Here is the PDF download of poll results and t he survey questionnaire: http://tmsnrt.rs/2zHx6Pd

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity to tell people we that appreciate them.
For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy, so sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason to express our gratitude.

© Elayne Savage, PhD


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Lots of current news stories focusing on the sexual harassment/assault/abuse cesspool. Many brave women and men coming forth with painful memories and stories they have pushed away for years.As you are most likely aware, growing lists of women and men are describing sexually inappropriate behaviors, suggestive comments, bullying, sexual harassment, sexual misconduct, sexual assault, sexual exploitation and sexual abuse.

They describe all kinds of predatory behavior: being groped, fondled, kissed, raped. And lots of stories about these men walking around naked. Many report feeling intimidated by perceived or actual threats to their careers if they say “No.”

The problem, however, is so much bigger than auditions, movie sets and casting couches . . . or the recent #MeToo stories involving journalists, and politicians.

The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the sense of entitlement that drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.

Seems to me part of the problem is these folks don't have a clue about what constitutes personal space and personal boundaries. If you don't understand what they are, how can you respect them?

Abuse of Power Exists Everywhere

I’m writing this blog to spotlight the wide-ranging problem behind the media headlines.

The problem is the imbalance and misuse of power and authority that permeates all industries and venues. There has been very little written about this abuse of power and authority and its long-term effects.

Getting back for a minute to the media’s focus on celebrities – how famous and powerful people are newly identified as Sexual Predators and Sexual Abusers. Harvey Weinstein and James Toback are surely prominent in these stories. I was amazed at how Toback’s accusers grew almost overnight from 30 to 300. And one by one the perps are being identified and called out. Some have had honors withheld, some have been fired.

#MeToo is giving men and women permission and courage to move past the shame and fear and finally tell their stories of abusive experiences and traumatic memories. Some of these memories go back as far as childhood and teen years. It takes so much courage to reach deep inside, reach past the pain and be public with these very private secrets.

The Real Problem: Imbalance and Misuse of Power and Authority

Power relationships exist in a wide range of industries and venues: with bosses, coaches,  mentors, teachers, physicians and other health professionals, social workers, psychotherapists, attorneys, religious and spiritual leaders. And let’s not forget the power of bigger-than-life cult-like figures. What groups have I left out here?

(See link below toward end of the blog for descriptions of some cult-like personality features.)

Some Power Abuses are Low Visibility but High Frequency . . .

Subtle and overlooked misuses and abuses of power and control exist all around us.

Abuse of power and authority can be obvious or subtle, intended or not. It exists due to status imbalance in personal and professional relationships.

In my consulting and therapy practice, I hear stories about power relationships in the workplace as well as between couples in counseling. I hear descriptions of disrespectful, dismissive, discounting, faulting interactions. I hear about blaming and not taking responsibility for actions by making the other person ‘wrong and bad.’

In my workshops when I describe how situations can be controlling and sometimes coercive, attendees are somewhat surprised at the idea of doctors or coaches or teachers or psychotherapists having so much power. They begin to understand as I describe how students, patients and clients understandably perceive their ‘helpers’ as experts and authorities, yet they may tend to give up their own power whenever there's a need to see them as ‘all powerful.’

There have been times when it it feels like some clients unknowingly give me a lot of power. Part of my job is to stay aware and not inadvertently step into that role. This can surely be difficult for those of us who think of ourselves as ‘the helper.’

Examples would be when I offer a client a new approach to a problem or encourage re-framing a negative perception to positive or suggest the possibility of considering options and choices. I try not to tell someone what to do, yet sometimes clients seem to want advice, to be told what to do. When I notice it, this has been a fruitful topic to explore with them.

Many years ago when I was a first-year psychology graduate student, I was required to read Power in the Helping Professions by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig.

My dusty, dog-eared copy is 34 years old now. Even though some ideas are outdated, I appreciate the richness of the Jungian archetypal perspectives as a nice adjunct to my Family Systems way of thinking.

I find myself often re-reading and re-thinking these important subtle power and authority issues.

Because I’ve been in the helping professions for decades as a Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement social worker and as a psychotherapist in private practice, I am reminded every working day of the power so often bestowed upon me and the power I might be wrapping myself in whenever I define myself as ‘the helper.’

I actually see our work as rolling up our sleeves and working together in teamwork. Yet, sometimes I notice ‘the helper’ role creeping in. It’s difficult to shed; after all, it’s been my ‘job-description’ since I was a child!

This kind of power and authority imbalance is much less visible of course than the news stories of sexual power and abuse by celebrities. The trauma, however, exists in all these stories.

What if someone puts their 'helper' on a pedestal, and perhaps has unrealistic expectations of that person? What happens if the 'helper' happens to show another side of their personality and disappoints these idealistic expectation

We have been reading about the darker side of some of our favorite entertainment personalities and politicians.These discoveries of unacceptable behaviors can happen in lots of our everyday interactions and it is almost always a disappointing discovery, especially if we've elevated our 'helper' person and they come crashing down.

As I often say: disappointment often feels like rejection . . . and rejection hurts.

"It’s about getting away with something....that's exciting"

I just read a fascinating piece by Mimi Kramer on ‘The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women.’ I don’t agree with everything she says, however her personal observations are a good read:

“That, right there — I’d argue — is the impulse behind sexual harassment. It’s about getting away with something. It’s about seeming to be one sort of person.…while really being A Very Bad Boy. That’s exciting for some men. Not the being bad part. The getting-away-with-it part. It isn’t just about power over individuals, the women you victimize. It’s about power over society and the court of public opinion, the thrill of risking everything on one roll of the dice, knowing that it isn’t really all that much of a risk — because nobody will believe her.”

(See the link below)

This sure reminds me of Donald Trump's "You can do anything" boast on the Access Hollywood tape which was made public on October 7, 2016. And his reward for this ‘get-away-with-it’ attitude towards women? One month and one day later a national election propelled him into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Reliving the Trauma –– Memories Come Flooding Back

#MeToo has been giving many of us permission to recall and tell our stories of traumatic experiences from inappropriate power plays.

I was surprised when I, too, just revisited a creepy re-emerging memory from decades ago. I thought I had buried it because I was afraid, if I allowed myself to remember, that painful young-adult-hard-to-deal-with shame would come flooding back. And it did, of course.

This experience was with a college professor who taught a required course for my major. One day he asked me to stay a few minutes after class, and when the room was empty he said some shockingly inappropriate things to me. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. It was so confusing. I went numb and don’t remember what I did or said before I gathered the presence of mind to leave the room. I probably stood there and listened for too long, unable to protect myself from his mortifying words. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.

Back in those days it was pretty unheard of to report a professor to the Dean – I would have worried the instructor would have found a reason to flunk me. 

So I just went invisible in class, never opened my mouth again to contribute and was always the first one out the door. I avoided him as much as possible from that day forward.

I began dwelling on what I might have said or done to bring on his dirty, slimy comments. Yes, I blamed myself – for years.

And these kinds of degrading experiences, large and small, stockpile in our memory bank. Many times I have walked blocks out of my way to avoid the obscene comments yelled out from construction sites.

I’ve also taken pains to avoid a co-worker who likes to tell dirty jokes or make graphic remarks. Whenever this would happen I’d remember Anita Hill’s testimony about her ex-boss Clarence Thomas when he was interviewed for the Supreme Court. He, too, was rewarded for his crude and  in his in his black-robed boundary-less behavior –– and decades later he is still sitting on the bench in his black SCOTUS robes!

#MeToo stories are allowing buried memories to come back and often involves reliving the trauma. Here I am decades later vividly recalling the creepiness and humiliation of that incident with the professor. My skin crawls as I think of it. I can’t remember his name, but I can clearly see that short, squat, body stuffed into his rumpled, ill-fitting suit, his bushy eyebrows and ugly face.

Remembering it now, I still feel dirty.

An observation: I'm noticing that as accusations grow about the behaviors of these powerful celebrity folks, the media sometimes compares the ‘severity’ of one incident to another.

Trauma is trauma. We each have our unique responses and long-term repercussions. We each live with whatever fearful and self-rejecting messages the traumatic experience leads us to take in about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it.

This is especially true if, in our early years, there were inappropriate or abusive personal boundary crossings which affected our feelings of safety and trust. Each new situation might be somewhat different, however our visceral response is very recognizable.

We can expect the original fear to re-surface if we find ourselves in another unsafe moment and as we read these #MeToo stories. For some of us this can be similar to a PTSD-like experience.

Over the years clients have confided how relieved they were to finally learn a term that provides a framework for what happened to them as teens or young adults: One of the most common examples is, “Oh, now I see that was an attempted ‘date rape.’” When I was first introduced to that term it helped me as well. I can certainly relate to what that kind of fear and trauma feels like.

I can add that term to my ever-expanding list of dehumanizing experiences.

Here are the links I refer to earlier:

Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul? where I list some very Donald J. Trump-ish characteristics of cult leaders.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2016/07/does-the-art-of-the-deal-mean-selling-your-soul.html

The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women

https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/2017/10/28/16562328/sexual-harassment-workplace-harvey-weinstein

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Dixie Chicks Concert Cincinnati World Tour Kickoff June 2016

Perhaps it was Ben Carson conjuring up Lucifer during his RNC comments, but listening to Donald J. Trump’s acceptance speech I found myself jumping to images of the “Prince of Darkness.” As I watched, Lucifer became superimposed on the face of Donald Trump, much like the Dixie Chicks cartoon backdrop. Hey, maybe Dr. Carson also was thinking of the same Lucifer image!

Well, it turns out my imagery about all that darkness was also reflected by the media describing the President-elect’s 80-minute speech as “strikingly dark,”  “painting America as a dark and desperate place.”

To my ears, it wasn’t just dark. It also seemed like a selling-your-soul kind of thing.

Not sure, however, exactly whose soul is on the market.

Is it the collective soul of we, the voters? What contract would we be signing? What deal would we be making?

Or is candidate Trump using smoke and mirrors to sell his own soul in order to become president of the United States?

Might this be a new chapter on negotiating and persuasion to be added to The Art of the Deal?

Does his advice on strategies include making grandiose promises with few or no specifics? Someone must have told him these promises cannot be constitutionally, legally, ethically or morally carried out –– yet he continues to make them.  

Smoke and Mirrors

I’m a big fan of definition and specifics. As a couples and workplace coach and communication consultant how can I help clients overcome their roadblocks unless I know I’m crystal clear on how they perceive their situation.

Because generalities don’t work here, my questions sound something like “and what does that mean?” Or “can you give me an example?”

The difficulty with generalizations of the Donald J. Trump variety was brilliantly summed up in a letter to therapists from The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA:

   Here is one of Donald Trump’s classic plans to make America great again.

    “We’ll make things. The best things. The things we make will be the best.”

    If you used this kind of glittering generality to create a treatment plan for a
    distressed couple, it might sound like this,

    “We will make a plan. The best plan. The plans we make will be the best.
    This couple will be great again.”

     We doubt the loosest of gatekeepers for insurance companies would accept
     that kind of blather as a viable treatment plan for a struggling couple.

This was sent as a cover letter for family therapist and researcher William Doherty’s ‘Therapist Manifesto’ detailing concerns of the psychological community.

This manifesto was written and signed before the 2016 election by over 2300 mental health professionals. It's worth a read.

(Update: Seems the actual Manifesto is no longer on the web. However here are some media pieces describing the movement:)

https://www.mindingtherapy.com/manifesto-against-trumpism/

https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/10/donald-trump-2016-therapists-214333/

https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1043/clinicians-digest

 

Is Building Walls a Substitute for Lack of Personal Boundaries?

I keep wondering why this candidate, who seems to have extremely confused and inappropriate personal boundaries, talks incessantly about building walls along our Mexican border. Could this imagined "biggest," "strongest" wall be a substitute for his own lack of personal boundaries?

“I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won’t be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they’re over the wall, it costs us trillions. And I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall. Because Mexico is screwing us so badly. “

Fox and other media outlets quoted the Associated Press in summing up the speech: “The more than hour-long speech was strikingly dark for a celebratory event and almost entirely lacking in specific policy details. Trump shouted throughout as he read off a teleprompter, showing few flashes of humor or even a smile.”

“I Alone Can Fix It”

Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning “Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”

And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"

Moyers continues:  This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.” Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.

"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons

Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.

 ‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. 

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?

As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

http://bit.ly/13kMU6n
http://bit.ly/1MBDJQZ

Cult Culture

To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s.  

As a child protective services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced by Jones to take part in a mass murder/suicide.

I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman, who had been a client, begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. In mid-sentence her call was disconnected. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment. I'll never forget her name -she was listed as one who died at Jonestown.

I was especially curious about the appeal of cults and characteristics of the charismatic cult leaders.

What kind of pied piper power did Jim Jones hold that they left everything and followed him to a promised utopia?

Merriam-Webster describes this pied-piper-kind-of-lure as enticing, promising and charismatic.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pied piper



“If you just come along, all will be fine, and everyone will live happily ever after in these promised utopias,” is how cult and brainwashing expert Margaret Singer characterized the lure of cults.  

http://factnet.org/cults-our-midst

Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.
“The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”

http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture

50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities) lists 50 characteristics of cult leaders.

Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish.

– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to insure that he or she is being noticed by arriving       late, using exotic clothing, overdramatic speech, or by making theatrical entrances.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– When criticized he tends to lash out not just with anger but with rage.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.    
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 characteristics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

It's quite amazing how many of these have to do with reactions to perceived rejection and taking things personally. How many can you find?

So Now Let’s Explore the Goings on at The DNC

This brings us to the Democratic National Convention in Philly this week.

Do you see any similarities between the speakers/atmosphere?
Do you notice any important differences?

Let’s see how many of Navarro’s 50 characteristics show up in the DNC’s cast of characters during the week.

How many of the 50 do you recognize? Would love to hear the results of your scoring on these 50 characteristics . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Don’t Be Telling Me What I Need to Do!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Have you happened to notice lately how the comment “You need to” is hugely popular?

 

Campaigning politicians use it constantly. Headlines are everywhere online. I hear it from friends and colleagues.

 

Actually, I can’t stand the implication that I “need to” do something.

 

I don’t need to do anything. I don’t need to vote in a certain way. I don’t need to think in a certain way. I don’t need to conduct my business the way other folks think I should. I don’t need to read a certain book or article.

 

Nor should I do something. Or do I have to. Or got to.

Curious, I googled “need to” on a news website and was amazed that there are hundreds of entries in just the last few days – mostly in online news headlines. “You should” runs a close second, followed by “you must” and “have to” and “got to.”

Here are a few randomly chosen examples:

You Need to  . . .

Here’s What You Need to Do about . . .

What You Need to know About . . .

5 (6,8,10)Things you Need to know about . . .

The Pictures You Need to See

Why you Need to . . .

5 (6,8,10) Things You Should Never Say to . . .

What You Should Know About . . .

Why You Should Get . . .

The One Thing You Should Never Do   

Why You Should Always . . .

Why You Should Never . . .

5 (6,8,10) Things You Must Do . . .

You Must Try . . .

You Must Read . . .

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

All these “need tos” and “shoulds” are totally pushing my rebellious adolescent buttons. Unless I specifically ask someone for advice, I don’t want to be told what to do. And it feels like my personal boundaries are being infringed upon.

As you’ve probably guessed, “shoulds” have invaded my life since I was a child.

I used to spend a lot of time dwelling on, “I should do this or “I should think that” or "I should do better"  I guess I was always striving to be the ‘good girl,’ attempting to do what I thought was expected of me and not disappoint.

(And because I grew up in a family of “shoulds” and “need tos” I’m sure I, too, have sprinkled my own vocabulary with some of that  –– before I became aware of it.)

As a child whenever I thought I had failed, I’d find myself caught up in a cesspool of “shoulds’ and self-incrimination.  

Finally I realized I was putting wa-a-a-y too much negative energy into these ‘shoulds.” Each time I’d compare myself to others or say to myself, “I should have done . . .”  I was scolding myself and it quickly turned into a judgment, criticism and self-rejection.

It did take some work, but now I can usually catch my ‘shoulda, woulda coulda’ thinking before it turns negative on me.

For over 25 years I’ve been able to help coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants revisit the problems those “shoulds” create in their personal and workplace lives.

I hear far too many stories from clients about their reactions to being told by professionals – therapists, coaches, counselors, teachers, managers – that they “should” or “need to” do something or think in a certain way.

And if the client or student decides not to do as advised, sometimes they describe how the professional becomes upset with them. I guess you could say they were taking it personally that their advice wasn't being embraced. It seems they get overly invested in the outcome.

It happens with friends, too. A friend gives advice but it doesn’t work for the one receiving it. The advice giver feels rejected, takes it personally and sometimes even limits or ends(!) the relationship.

Stories like these are painful to hear.
 
In my work with clients, I consider my ideas to be more in the realm of presenting options and enhancing skills for navigating difficult situations, rather than ‘giving advice.”

Indeed, there have been times when I’ve said “you need to” to workplace coaching clients when they have felt harassed or otherwise unsafe in their jobs.

When the work environment becomes physically or emotionally unhealthy and the people in charge are not adequately protecting, I find myself doing something I would otherwise not do: I say “This is what you need to do to protect yourself and be safe.” Then together we strategize ways to carry out realistic safety measures, including reporting to higher ups in the workplace.

I turn it over to the client to choose if any of the ideas we come up with will work for them.

Tips for Dealing with Our “Shoulds”

– A good way to disengtangle from the “shoulds” is to separate the ‘then’ of the past from the ‘now’ of the present.
You might ask yourself:   “What messages did I receive in my early years about ‘shoulds?’” “How are these messages affecting me now?”

- Try walking alongside yourself and noticing the times you find yourself thinking “I should.” Observing gives you some objectivity and opens up space for making choices.

- Can you imagine yourself noticing the path you are traveling, then going back to the fork in the road and trying out another path?

I know I can be quirky sometimes, but am I alone in being so bothered by these phrases or do they sometimes affect you as well?  If so, how?
Do you have any stories to tell?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

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REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
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Donald Trump Leads the Way in Disrespecting Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The 2016 presidential hopefuls are providing bountiful opportunities for exploring personal boundaries –– AND the lack of them.

Donald Trump is leading the pack – providing us with one terrific example after another of inappropriateness.

If one of these candidates should become President, imagine how this disrespectful, out of bounds behavior would effect  our culture and policies at local and national levels.

What a huge impact on global diplomacy this character flaw could have. How would the President of the United States be perceived by heads of state and the world?

I can’t help but think his kind of rude and in-your-face behavior seems so, well . . . un-presidential. What are your thoughts?

Personal Boundaries 101

Personal boundaries are about space: physical, mental and emotional.

Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings and ideas with those of someone else.

Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, needs, feelings thoughts, ideas and values. . . and not feeling threatened by them.

 

The following list of personal boundaries is based on writings of authors John and Linda Friel:

Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone uses your stuff without asking or when someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.

Intellectual boundaries mean respect for ideas or thoughts for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”

Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.

Money boundaries involve how we earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. These boundaries are violated when someone makes judgments about how much money you have or don’t have and whether this makes you a good person. Bragging about money and spending is a transgression of these boundaries.

Social boundaries means a respect for our choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes who you choose to be with or where you choose to go.

Time boundaries means having respect for your own and others’ ways of getting things done. Some of us operate on time for meetings or completing projects. Others meet our deadlines, but “under the wire,”

Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

I would add to this list:
Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.

Boundary Confusion Abounds

The 2016 campaign provides a profusion of examples of personal boundary confusion:

Some folks see things as black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. They have a tendency to make other people bad and wrong. This is a common form of boundary confusion.

Some view others as extensions of themselves. They assume other people think the same, have the same feelings, or play by the same rules, In other words, they are unable to appreciate others as separate, This can lead to inappropriate, intrusive and controlling behavior. This, too, is a common form of boundary confusion.

Folks who have a high need for appreciation, often push the limits of boundaries in order to get the praise and attention they crave. To call attention to themselves, some may even appear to push another person into over-reacting. You may recognize this as bullying behavior.

The 2016 candidates seem to be struggling with maintaining solid boundaries tossing  away their own personas, integrity and ideals as they mimic Donald Trump’s behaviors. If outrageousness works so well for him, why not try to outdo him? After all, he’s getting lots of media attention –– why not spread it around a little?

In our early years many developed a facade because we believed we were expected to think or behave in a certain way. So we ended up losing our true self.

I watch the candidates one by one seem to lose their ideals and develop a manufactured sense of what they stand for. So sad. I find myself wanting to see the ‘real’ candidates and hear about their real thoughts, feelings and ideas.

A consultation client offers this description of the ‘false front’ he developed as a child. “I couldn’t be myself in my family, and now as an adult I hardly know what’s underneath anymore.”

That's Entertainment

 Donald Trump excuses his derogatory comment about Carly Fiorina’s looks was merely “entertainment.” What a fine example of personal boundary crossing by this candidate for president of the United States. He confuses an attempt to be funny at someone else’s expense with his reality TV persona. There was no need to appear ‘presidential’ on TV . . . only a need to be “entertaining.”

How is ‘being entertaining” is supposed to look presidential?

Donald Trump crossing the line of propriety and exhibited role confusion as well  –– confusing ‘presidential candidate’ with ‘reality TV entertainer.’

And what about the name-calling: “loser,” “bimbo”and “idiot.” What about publicly giving out another candidate’s private mobile phone number? Wow. What an incredible example of inappropriate boundary crossing! Can we expect more of this if he is elected president?

Whatever happened to the idea of candidates showing respect for each other?

What if Mr. Trump is not just pretending that he does not understand the importance of respect. What if he makes a ‘joke’ like this about a diplomat or head of state? Would there be international consequences or would it be considered merely “entertaining?”

Maybe someone will convince him to sign up for a Social Skills Class.

Blind Spots and Projection –– Spreading the Garbage Around

You may be aware Projection is often one of the most confusing boundary difficulties in both business and personal relationships  . . .  and as we are seeing, in politics.
 
Projection happens when we cannot acknowledge certain unacceptable aspects of ourselves, and we mistakenly imagine that thought or feeling exists in the other person. Because these parts make us uncomfortable they stay hidden from us  –– what Carl Jung called the shadow—the dark part, the part we wish wasn’t there.

When these undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we often get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from this anxiety. It is a way of dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

Projection means disowning, rejecting unacceptable traits in ourselves and perceiving these same traits in another person or group. In other words, accusing them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

We see examples of projection in politics: blaming the other party for the actions (or lack of actions) of our own party. Accusing another candidate or elected official of proposing legislation that the accuser supported years ago.

Some scratching below the surface might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

A coaching  client sums it up pretty well, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

I'm not intending to make a political statement here, just wanting to call attention to some human nature. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout many primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in several previous blogs.

(See link below for past pieces on psychological projection.)

 

Yes and No

Learning to say “yes” and “no” defines who you are in the moment — and what you stand for. In fact, these words are great boundary setters.

The trouble is many of us did not have very good modeling of boundaries in childhood. We had no idea how to define what we stood for or what we needed. In fact, in many families, defining things was discouraged, or even forbidden. Instead, things had to be vague, cloudy, amorphous. Family members played guessing games with each other because being specific was simply not okay. And what could be more specific then learning to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly?

Too often we learned to say “yes” when we really meant “no” and we learned to say “no” when we wanted to say “yes.”

One of the best ways to set clear boundaries is to learn to clearly say “yes” and “no.” It seems to me that when someone asks you to do something, you can answer in one of four ways:

With some practice, you will soon be able to learn to assess a situation without feeling rushed into a “yes” or “no.” You will also, with practice, learn to give the appropriate response.

By the way, “no” can take other forms as well. A young woman I know has found a phrase that works for her: “STOP." This is uncomfortable for me.”

Ideas for Navigating Through Boundary Confusion

- Figure out where you stop and the other person begins.

- Know that you exist separately and distinctly from other people, with different feelings, ideas and needs.

- Learn to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly.

- Practice putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding what their world view is in the moment.

- Remind yourself that another person’s words or actions are often about that person and that person’s history, and not about you. Can you choose not to take it personally?

Do you have an experience or story about personal boundaries to share? If so, email me at
elayne@QueenofRejection.com or post on the comments section of the blog site: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejeciton.com

Here's the link to past blogs on psychological projection:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/psychologial-projection/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Check out my earlier blogs on how Donald Trump leads the pack in offering us terrific examples of lessons:

In bullying, disrespect and mean-spiritedness: (Trumped Up and Slammed Down – The 2016 Presidential Primaries)

and

In fairness: (It’s Just Not Fair - In the World of Trump
and the World of Amazon)

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Chris Christie and His Inner Circle: Taking Things Personally Big Time

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I have to admit I've been totally enthralled by the taking it personally aspects of the George Washington Bridge lane closure controversy. As you may be aware, the closures caused traffic jams for 4 days on the busiest bridge in the world.

And it's becoming an exciting whodunit ever since subpoenaed documents show the closures appear to be ordered by high ranking staff in Governor Chris Christie's office.

I got hooked when I read a NYT article about bulling in late December and commented online. (You'll find this and other timeline and background links below.)

I actually started writing this blog that day in December, but had not sent it out before now because every day the story leaps ahead with new twists and turns.

I don't mean for my observations to be taken as a political statement. It's mostly musings about the frailty of human nature, how easy it is to take things personally and the trouble it tends to creates when things get out of hand.

I would be most interested in your ideas on the state of affairs in the State of New Jersey – and on this kind of  political climate that tends to exist in general.

Taking Things Personally Can Lead to Big Problems

Perhaps you know as well as I, how taking things personally often leads to overreactions – some of which we may come to regret. Mr. Christie's staff appears to be finding this out the hard way.

When we take something personally we perceive someone's actions as a personal affront.  We feel slighted or wronged or attacked. We might feel something is unfair. Sometimes it seems others are taking sides or are out to get us. Perhaps we feel someone is disloyal and we feel betrayed.  Any of these experiences can lead to an overreaction.

We don't know exactly what happened to prompt Bridget Anne Kelly, Gov. Christie's deputy chief of staff, to e-mail David Wildstein on August 13, “Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee."

Wildstein, a long-time acquaintance of and top Christie appointee at the Port Authority immediately answered, "Got it."

Three weeks after this e-mail exchange, two of the three access lanes from Fort Lee onto the bridge were shut down – with no prior warning to motorists.

What resulted was an hours-long traffic jam on the bridge and across the city of Fort Lee that continued for four days. People were late for work, emergency responders were delayed, kids missed much of the morning on the first day of the school year.

Who knows how long the lane closures would have gone on if Port Authority Executive Director Patrick Foye had not ordered the closures lifted saying they jeopardized public safety.

David Wildstein cynically dismissed how children were stuck for hours on school buses. He was texting how it didn't matter because “They are the children of Buono voters." (Barbara Buono was running against Mr. Christie in the upcoming November gubernatorial election.)

I was really affected by the school bus aspect. I think it was because I found myself identifying with the anxiety many of those kids must have been feeling while stuck on a bus for hours on the first day of school.

So far several folks have lost their jobs and political appointments. Bill Baroni, the Deputy Executive Director of the Port Authority and David Wildstein have resigned.  Bill Stepian, Mr. Christie's key advisor and Bridget Anne Kelly were fired.

Many others are being investigated and have been subpoenaed by State Commissions, Federal Investigators or both.

Is Chris Christie Taking It Personally that Folks Are Disloyal to Him?

It is interesting that the reason given by Mr. Christie for firing Bridget Kelly was not because she initiated an action that hurt thousands of people over those four days. No. In fact he announced "I terminated the employment of Bridget Kelly because she lied to me."

Because she lied to him?

Mr. Christie describes being "sad" and "heartbroken" that his people in his "circle of trust" had betrayed him: "It is heartbreaking to me that I wasn't told the truth. I'm a very loyal guy, and I expect loyalty in return. And lying to me is not an exhibition of loyalty."

Hmmmmmm. Another example of the me, me, me flavor of Mr. Christie's tendency to take things personally, big time.

And now more allegations of pressuring are surfacing related to the 'abuse of power' in Gov. Christie's office: Dawn Zimmer, the Mayor of Hoboken, and Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis are speaking out. (See links below.)

Who else might decide to speak out tomorrow?

There are state and federal investigations beginning and every day new documents and people are being subpoenaed.

It must be especially difficult for the governor to have the US Attorney's Office investigate his campaign and office staff – when only a few years ago Mr. Christie himself was the New Jersey US Attorney.

So what led Mr. Christie and his staff to end up in this mess?

How Did This Happen? And Why? And By Who?

Is there a plausible explanation for initiation of the e-mails between Bridget Anne Kelly and David Wildstein? What conversations came before those emails? Was there a plan? If so, what was it? Who knew about it?

Chris Christie has been described as a 'hands on' politician. However these days he has been putting much energy into emphasizing how 'hands off' his governing style really is.

At first he insisted his staff had nothing to do with the lane closings. Now that subpoenaed records show otherwise, he states he knew nothing about any plan to disrupt traffic on the bridge.

Another observation about the way Mr. Christie governs: It has  been reported that he "rewards loyalty and metes out retribution for even minor slights."

Again we see what can happen when Chris Christie takes things personally!

Let's Speculate About How It Played Out

Let's say Gov. Christie did not know his staff was devising a plan to interfere with traffic on the George Washington Bridge.
 
What are possible explanations for what happened and why? Well it's a good guess I see several scenarios connected to taking things personally.

The media has been leaning toward two theories: First, that Gov. Christie and staff were upset at the perceived rebuff by Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich who  did not endorse Mr.Christie for governor. Were they getting back at him by backing up traffic throughout the 3 sq. miles of Fort Lee for 4 days?

Did this start out as a retaliatory prank and did it turn into more than they bargained for?

Another  media speculation is that the closures were a power play having to do with the Hudson Lights billion dollar project at the foot of the bridge. A project vitally important to Mayor Sokolich and Fort Lee.

By showing how easily Gov. Christie could disrupt commute traffic on the Fort Lee side of the bridge, funding for the project might be threatened.

Wow, see what we can do to your prize project if you dare to cross us!

I have my own hypothesis. Perhaps there was a problem with personal boundaries and the governor's aides got a bit  mixed up about what feelings belong to who. In their efforts to protect their special person maybe they took the Fort Lee mayor's rebuff of the governor personally. Maybe they were thinking a clever payback would be to retaliate against Fort Lee and its Mayor. What a great way to show support to their boss!.

If so, what a classic example of confused boundaries - being unable to differentiate what feelings belong to whom. Not being clear on where one person ends and the other begins.

OR, as many political insiders are asking "Did Chris Christie foster a culture where vindictiveness and retribution became acceptable behavior? Perhaps there has been certain permission given by prior example, where Gov. Christie's staff understands it's OK to retaliate.

"Organizations Inherit the Personality and Moral Ethics of the Person at the Very Top"

On occasion in this blog, I've described  the concept of isomorphism where one context replicates another. Sometimes this idea is referred to as 'parallel process' or 'social contagion'. In this case it would be the administrative staff's actions being similar to those of their boss.

You’ve probably noticed how some images in television commercials morph from one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car – right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with certain interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.

This is “isomorphism,”where the  character and values of the leader trickles down to staff.  I see it all the time with my workplace coaching clients.

According to my colleague, Allen Roland (AllenRoland.com) Rivero's Rule of mass morals: sums it up:  "organizations will eventually reflect the moral character, values and ethics of the person at the very top."  

"I Am Who I Am – But I Am Not a Bully"

Well, I guess that depends on how Mr. Christie defines 'bully.' Does he recognize his own history of intimidating, punishing tactics when he believes someone is disloyal to him?

The New York Times detailed several politicians who have been on the receiving end of retaliatory tactics after disagreements with Mr. Christie. "In almost every case, Mr. Christie waved off any suggestion that he had meted out retribution. But to many, the incidents have left that impression, and it has been just as powerful in scaring off others who might dare to cross him." (See link below.)

Let's talk about bullying and how it is connected to the the kind of Abuse of Power many observers are saying exists in the Governor's office.

The Abuse of Power

From Wikipedia:
Abuse of power, in the form of "malfeasance in office" or "official misconduct," is the commission of an unlawful act, done in an official capacity, which affects the performance of official duties. Malfeasance in office is often grounds for a for cause removal of an elected official by statute or recall election.

From BusinessDictionary.com
The act of using one’s position of power in an abusive way. This can take many forms such as taking advantage of someone, gaining access to information that shouldn’t be accessible to the public, or just manipulating someone with the ability to punish them if they don’t comply.

From LawDictionary.org
The basic abuse of power that can occur when they become too manipulative with those around them and the trust given to them.

I see Abuse of Power as connected to the intimidation and fear that can arise from situations where there is an Imbalance of Power.

The Imbalance of Power

From www.stopbullying.gov/
Imbalance of power: "Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior  . . . that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time."

One of the books assigned in my first psychotherapy graduate program was 'Power in the Helping Professions.'  It's been on my bookshelf over 30 years and I often re-read it  to remind myself how easily (and subtly) power can be misused and abused.

As a workplace consultant, I've heard hundreds of stories describing unreasonable demands and harassment of the "this is what you have to do to keep your job" genre.

"I am who I am," Gov. Christie declared, "but I am not a bully."

Really? Gov. Christie, please explain your statement to me!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And to you out there, I would love to hear your ideas and comments!

Here are some helpful links if you want more information:

Timeline of the George Washington Bridge saga:  http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2014/01/timeline_of_the_port_authoritys_george_washington_bridge_lane_closure_controversy.html#incart_big-photo

Background of the Lane Closure: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/13/nyregion/a-bridge-to-scandal-behind-the-fort-lee-ruse.html?_r=1

Subpoenaed documents: http://articles.philly.com/2014-01-12/news/46092794_1_david-wildstein-traffic-study-port-authority#ugUojqJejUBjSWZ6.99

The Wall Street Journal has been reporting on this story since November. http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304448204579184030525950894

For copies of the documents released on 1/10/14: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303393804579314500006896102?mod=trending_now_3

Bullying: From the 12/24/13 issue of the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/25/nyregion/accounts-of-petty-retribution-reinforce-christies-bullying-image.html

Elayne Savage's comment on taking things personally, NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/25/nyregion/accounts-of-petty-retribution-reinforce-christies-bullying-image.html?comments#permid=10808378

Dawn Zimmer allegations: www.cnn.com/2014/01/20/politics/who-is-dawn-zimmer/

Carl Lewis allegations: www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/jan/21/olympian-carl-lewis-claims-chris-christie-toppled-/

More blog posts on Bullying: www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Related articles

Emails link Chris Christie's staff to bridge closure in US

Bullying: "Just a Little Locker Room Humor?"

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Accusations of name-calling, bullying and hazing within the Miami Dolphins has tackle Jonathan Martin AWOL from the team and guard Richie Incognito suspended.

The big-ticket item in the media is the racial slur and threats to harm Martin and his family that Incognito left on a voicemail message.

But there’s more. Now we hear that for months team members have been making derogatory comments including calling Martin "Big Weirdo." Some team members, including a coach, are being investigated for contributing to the harassment.

And the story keeps growing.

I started writing this blog the day the news broke, but held back from publishing because I couldn't keep up with the speed of details unfolding..

We hear a lot about bullying and harassment these days. Bullying has become the most dominant topic of today's media and social media. Opinions about workplace bullying, sexual harassment and cyber-bullying abound.

I know these stories are often blown out of proportion. I guess I've contributed to the bully-circus each time I've been interviewed on the topic over the years.

And yet public awareness of this problem is a good thing. The Miami Dolphins situation has inspired a national debate about workplace bullying.

“Sticks and Stones . . .”

I know how unsettling and horrific these experiences can be and how they can contribute mightily to someone's ability to feel safe and to trust others.

As a psychotherapist, workplace consultant and presenter I've heard hundreds of stories from clients and seminar participants about how workplace harassment frequently brings up early painful memories.

I've heard a multitude of examples about feeling victimized, degraded and humiliated by various bullying behaviors: hurtful teasing, name-calling, or mean-spirited practical joking from peers, teachers, teammates, parents, siblings, or extended family.

Both men and women are surprised that 20 or 30 or 40 years later just retelling the story brings back the pain and fear.

They begin to realize how much feelings of rejection and betrayal and issues of trust still affect their personal and professional adult relationships.

It does not take a highly-charged dramatic incident to cause long-term relationship problems. We all have different degrees of resilience and ways of responding to emotional  triggers.

Maybe one reason the Dolphins harassment story is so fascinating is that it reminds us of our own experiences with bullying behavior. We can vicariously watch how others are handling it – or not handling it. Maybe we can even learn something.

Personally, I'm intrigued by the observations of various sports personalities:

Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett describes how hazing has been part of the culture of the NFL for years. Vikings defensive end Jared Allen observes that it's "a rite of passage you go through." And others talk about "Tradition" and "The way things are done." 

"The culture?" "A rite of passage” Tradition?” "The way things are done?”

Really? I've heard the same kinds of excuses made regarding the hazing in fraternities, some professional corporations, and the military – until zero-tolerance policies were initiated. 

I remember how scared and miserable I was when I found myself in a hazing situation in college. I was calling my family in tears every day because it was such a horrific experience for me. It was surreal.

Looking back, I can see why it was upsetting. The hazing brought up earlier childhood memories – of the times I was mercilessly teased in school and felt singled out for humiliation.

And it also brought up memories of the frightening times I was bullied and tormented by a couple of older neighborhood boys. Mostly they were trying to scare me. There were times when it went beyond trying to scare me – when they put their hands around my throat and threatened to strangle me.

When I feel threatened and unsafe I have a visceral reaction with PTSD-like symptoms. Bullying and harassing will do it every time. Even teasing, whether obvious or subtle, can feel abusive to me.

Learning to 'Grin and Bear It'

Many of us learn to 'grin and bear it.' We don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how humiliated and hurt we feel. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years.

Then comes a time when we can't take it anymore.

For Jonathan Martin that day came when the team pranked him by all getting up from the table as soon as he sat down. Reportedly he slammed his tray, left the cafeteria and has not been seen by the team since.

Have you, too, had the experience of crossing that line from grinning and bearing to snapping when things get too hurtful?

I don't know if Ritchie Incognito intended to hurt Jonathan Martin when he used racist slurs and made those voicemail threats to Martin and his family.  I don't know if the other Dolphins intended to be maliciously hurtful when they repeatedly called Martin "Big Weirdo." Would they claim it was only a term of endearment?

Some people think it may be Martin's degree in ancient Greek and Roman classics from Stanford and having parents, grandparents and great grandparents who attended Harvard that contributed to his team mates seeing him as ‘different.’

People tend to feel threatened by people, ideas and ways of doing things which are 'different.'

Why Do Bullies Bully?



When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very good about themselves. If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find a scared, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and insecure person.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves. Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Bullies need to puff themselves up to compensate - especially if they have a history of feeling victimized.

Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme.  A line gets trampled when people behave in mean-spirited, inappropriate and hurtful ways. 



Think about it this way: bullies puff themselves up at the expense of the other person. They have a need to diminish their target – to make the person squirm.

Bullies need victims. Many bullies also need an audience.

Yet, under that aggressive exterior of the bully is someone who most likely is scared or hurting. Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain.

Can you put yourself in the shoes of the bully? It evens the playing field a bit to remind yourself about what makes a bully tick.

And What About their Targets?

And what about the recipient of the teasing and bullying? How long can a person 'grin and bear' taunts and threats and shaming? When do they realize it’s not OK for people to be laughing at your expense? When do they acknowledge that it hurts?

It's hard not to take it personally when attacks feel so personal.

When a bully oversteps the bounds of appropriate behavior the response may be more than they bargained for. The bully blithely teases or harasses without knowing the history of their target's early experiences with bullying and how sensitive they may be. They don’t expect the kind of reaction they may get.

Bullying and repeated teasing are not just harmless jokes and pranks – there often are long-term effects.

I have no clue about Jonathan Martin's experiences growing up. However, when the bullying got to him, he found a way to escape the abusive barrage. He took care of himself by going AWOL and returning to his family.

Richie Incognito say he regrets the racist and profane language, but adds it stemmed from a culture of locker-room "brotherhood," not bullying.

He labels this conduct " a normal part of the locker room environment."

Really? Just a little locker room humor I presume!

I know well about "locker room humor." A couple of years ago I, too, was the recipient of some of it.

Someone who I barely knew in college decades later sent out a bullying and harassing email fabricating a story about me. Many of the dozens of alums he sent it to were appalled at his childish and sexist behavior and put pressure on him to apologize.

He complied by dismissively describing it as “an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor. “

Like many others, I know too well how "a little locker room humor" can backfire.

I knew that I had to stand up for myself, using appropriate channels. Taking those steps was empowering and I needed that.

Perhaps Jonathan Martin feels the same way.

I made a decision to no longer tolerate this kind of inappropriate behavior in my life. Maybe Jonathan Martin made the same decision.

It takes courage to acknowledge feelings of shame and humiliation that come from being harassed and bullied.

I know how much courage it takes to take a stand.

Jonathan Martin chose to walk away. Leaving/quitting is certainly one option. So often we see things in terms of 'Either/Or.' Staying and 'taking it' or quitting and leaving.

There may have been other options available to him and I hope he tried them. One would be speaking directly to the powers that be to see if they would be willing to work with him to correct the situation. That's really hard to do, though, when the sport has a long history of closing their eyes to inappropriate behavior.

Does this story bring up memories of harassment, bullying or hazing for you, too?

Do you have a story to share?

And I'd love to hear your ideas about these kinds of abusive behaviors in general and the Martin/Incognito/Dolphins situation in particular.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

I've written several blogs about the reasons for, the effects of  and what to do about bullying behavior. Feel free to read and share these entries.

On Being 'Different'

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/05/its_not_easy_be.html

On Shame and Humiliation:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/06/ive_never_felt_.html

On Cyber-Bullying:
 
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/10/the-horror-of-it-all-repercussions-from-bullying.html

On Bullying in Politics, The Workplace, With Peers AND Some Bully-busting Tips:
 
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/08/well-bully-bully-for-you---in-politics-the-workplace-with-peers.html

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back  

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/06/feeling-dissed-at-work-heres-how-to-bounce-back.html

The Collection of Bullying Blogs from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been receiving e-mails about the polarity and negativity in this political campaign. Readers talk about the nasty and personal sniping, the name-calling and how there seems to be an unusual amount of viciousness in debates and advertising.

One woman wrote:  "Things are getting pretty ugly in the political sphere this election. It would be beneficial to get further perspective on ways to handle situations that are so negative."

"It is not just candidates who are negative. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without demonizing the other side. It is a real challenge to talk issues in a more objective way.

"A case in point is a close relative who keeps sending attacking political e-mail after I asked them to stop. How do you handle a person who insists upon talking politics when I have clearly stated I don't wish to discuss politics with them?  Where's a good starting point to deal with this issue?"

I do have some ideas of what may be going on here. This is not meant to be a political commentary. But rather, some observations on human nature.

Let's start with understanding 'isomorphism' and then move on to 'psychological projection.'

It is fascinating how some of our relatives or friends or neighbors appear to be taking on the negative qualities of the campaigners. And the media does the same!

The reader's example of pushy, negative comments is a terrific example of isomorphism (Sometimes referred to as  'parallel process' or 'social contagion.')

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another. It is when the energy from one context (for example political campaigners) is picked up and replicated in another context (for example voters.) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

This is what happens with certain interactions as well. In politics the character and temperament of a candidate trickles down to voters. There seem to be an influx of personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness and nastiness.

And of course this process also exists in personal and professional relationships.

Isomorphism is one way of explaining what may be going on in the realm of political nastiness. Psychological projection is another.

Psychological Projection: Spreading the Garbage Around

As the political attacks get more intensely personal and vicious every day, I wonder if there isn't some kind of personal flavor and investment in the accusations.

Could it be that the accuser is talking about their own flaws or shortcomings?

The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because they are blind spots for us and we need to disown them.

If our family or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

And if they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous.

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to others.

In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may fling these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we see ourselves.

In this primary election we hear accusations of being disreputable, corrupt and sexually inappropriate. We hear about infidelity, influence peddling, corporate shilling, dishonesty, and vicious whisper campaigns.

Some scratching below the surface and a little research might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

I'm not making a political statement here. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout quite a few primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in other blogs.

Have you noticed it too? Is it my imagination or does it seem to get worse with each new campaign?

I'd love to hear your comments. You can write to me at
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Psychological projection does not just exist in political campaigns. It is all too common in our personal and professional relationships as well.

Have you noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can rid yourself of the anxiety it brings up.

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

A client says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

"Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

It's Hard Not to Take Finger Pointing Personally

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

It's no wonder the onslaught of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my coaching and therapy clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that the other three fingers are actually pointing right back at the accuser. The SNL folks sure got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
 
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in many relationships. It helps when we can get a handle on it.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Would love to hear your ideas. elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Beating Holiday Stress: Avoiding Disappointments

By Elayne Savage, PhD

One of the biggest stressors during the holidays comes from giving and receiving gifts:

How stressful is it for you to shop for just the 'right' present?
How disappointed do you get if the gift someone someone picked out for you is below your expectations?

Whenever I present a speaking program on expectations and disappointments, the subject of gift-giving generates lots of animated discussion. Just about everyone has a story about feeling hurt, slighted or offended.

The rejection and self-rejection messages they tell themselves go like this:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

And if you are the gift-giver, do you try to read someone's reaction through their expression and body language? Do you imagine you are seeing disappointment on the face of the person you are trying so hard to please?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more time and money than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item at the discount store?

What do you tell yourself?

Some of us have never forgotten our childhood disappointments. When any new disappointment comes our way, it often brings up the anxiety associated with those old childhood feelings.

Each Family Has Their 'Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different ways of giving and receiving presents.

Some us grew up with checks or gift cards. Others feel slighted when we receive this kind of gift. In our mind, not shopping means not caring.

And then there's the issue of whether to exchange a gift or not. Some of us would never think of exchanging a gift, we think we have to keep it even if we'll never use it. Taking it back to the store feels disloyal or rude. Others wouldn't hesitate to exchange the gift for something they can really use.

Disappointments Feel Like Rejection

Here are some tips for avoiding disappointment and the feelings of rejection that go along with it.

- Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to try to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.

- Why not offer two or three gift suggestions? OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. Then ask the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
 buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.
It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

There are so many things that can happen during the Holidays that can easily and quickly mess up your experience. You can be criticized for your choices, intruded upon by questioning or scrutiny, manipulated (again!) into doing things you don’t really want to do, get stuck doing all the food preparation or cleanup, get caught between relatives who don’t like each other (but you love them both!), or have a friend or relative regale you (for hours!) with their depressing stories and problems.

There are things you can do to get through these differently this year. Not only that, but what you learn this year will strengthen you for next year!

You can start along the path to enjoyable Holidays by giving yourself the gift of self-appreciation , , ,

Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year to you!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Held Hostage by Sears

 Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes me crazy to be at the mercy of delivery or repair people. To wait around all day for someone to show up.

My dryer died. My regular appliance store wanted $100 to deliver, install and haul away. That seemed excessive. Someone told me Sears offers a rebate and has a pretty painless delivery operation.

Wrong. The Sears experience has been a nightmare.

It took at least 6 tries at scheduling and 4 delivery attempts before I had my new dryer. You may be familiar with the routine. You receive an automated call the evening before providing a two-hour window for the following day. If the time doesn't work, you call back and request another day. Once again you wait until the night before to learn the new delivery time.

I can clear part of my day, but not all of it. I'd request a morning appointment, and get an afternoon time slot. When I tried asking for an afternoon time, a morning delivery was scheduled.

The first attempt seemed like a snap. The phone call came in the night before as promised. The two-hour window they gave me worked out perfectly. The delivery team showed up within the specified time window.

How easy is this? Except the delivery guy won't install the dryer. He says the gas valve is too tight to turn. He doesn't want to force it. He tells me to call a plumber.

The order is canceled. Talk about disappointment!

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

As long as I'm reordering, I decide to order a slightly larger dryer. I measure the doorway carefully. The salesman promises it will work.

Again I go through the procedure with the automated call and the two-hour window. This time it takes a few tries to schedule the delivery.

The Confrontation

The delivery guy shows up exactly within the promised two-hour time frame. Except he refuses to take the dryer through the doorway. He argues with me that it is 29 inches wide, even though the online dimensions (and salesman) say it is 28.

There is a second, wider door to my laundry area, but he also refuses to bring it through that one. It seems like he doesn’t want to be bothered. Grrrrrrr. I feel like I have no control over the situation. By now I'm sounding a bit testy.

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

I order the smaller one even though it is not the dryer I really want. Again we go through the phone call/two hour window routine a couple of times.

A Scary Experience

 I could feel my face drop when the same delivery guy that refused to bring the last dryer through my doorway shows up.

He asks me to go down the block where the truck is parked to "make sure it's the right dryer."  Seems kind of weird to me that he was making this request.

Seems even weirder when he comments about my 'nice house.' In fact it pretty much freaked me out when I realized I recognized the number when he called me a few minutes earlier to check if I was home. There had been two or three early am and late night hang-ups with this same number showing on my caller ID.

We walk over to the truck. The dryer is in the cardboard box. He pulls down the back box panel and asks, "Is this the flat back model you ordered?"  Yes. It is.

Then he moves around to the side panel. Before he even pulls it down, he exclaims, "Oh! it's damaged." And indeed there is a huge dent in the side. Hmmmmm.

How did he know it is damaged before he sees it? The other two delivery guys just stand there staring at their feet.

I tell him I want it installed anyway, knowing I'd have time under warranty to replace it. He refuses to bring it into the house. I am way past testy this time. I lose my temper.

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

When I order a replacement dryer I'm told the delivery guy reported I had refused delivery on the dented one.

Complain Instead of Compliance

I call Customer Service. They explain these delivery people do not work for Sears even though they drive Sears trucks and wear Sears uniforms. They are contracted.

The rep suggests a different delivery team the next time. She connects me to an administrative complaint person. He says the dryer should have been installed when I made that request. I have 45 days to return it if it is damaged. He is writing it up to "send up to corporate."

The re-ordered dryer takes a couple of reschedules and two more days to be delivered. This time the delivery guy and his team are terrific. He also answers some questions for me. He measures my doorway and says there is enough room for clearance. It's tight but he would have installed the wider dryer. He also says the only time he asks a customer to walk over to the truck is if he knows an appliance is damaged.

So after 2 ½ weeks I have my new dryer. And I am so relieved to be done dealing with Sears. 

Premature. Turns out the replacement dryer reorder activated a new charge on my Visa bill. I notice the refund is $110 short. I have to make another phone call to Sears. They insist they refunded the full amount. They insist it must be a restock charge, which could only be requested by the delivery company!  After several phone calls it is finally refunded.

It has been quite a struggle not to take all of this personally.

I really hate feeling at the mercy of delivery or repair people. Just a few months ago I waited on two different days for Comcast to show up and change my non-functioning modem. I waited and waited. They never came on either of the scheduled days. I’m angry about that experience too. I had to keep reminding them they owed me $20 for each missed appointment. I'm sure the earlier experience with Comcast colored my reaction to the Sears drama.

 

How to Cope

So what might I have done differently in these frustrating situations?

- Not have unrealistic expectations that things will go smoothly. They probably won't.

-  Breathe. Count to 10. Breathe some more.

- Try to remember I don't have to take the word of a delivery or repairperson. I can I can ask them to call supervisor on their cell phone. Right then and there.

When I get caught in the tentacles of feeling 'done to' or manipulated or lied to, I can sometimes get angry, overreact and don't think clearly about what my options might be. Does this happen to you, too?

I'd love to hear your stories on how you experience and handle these situations . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Your Holiday Survival Guide

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2009
Welcome to the 38th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection®

Your Holiday Survival Guide
By Elayne Savage, PhD

These touchy times foster even touchier overreactions over the holidays.

The stresses of travel, visits with relatives, and dealing with unrealistic expectations and disappointments can lead to holidays disintegrating into low-down battles right before your eyes. The absurdity of it all is like watching a Harold Pinter play.

Theatre of the Absurd

Awkward family situations include: obnoxious relatives, judgments and criticism, and inappropriate, emotionally-loaded discussions about politics or religion.

You can choose not to bite-the-bait that family members toss out.
You can protect yourself from hurtful words and actions.

Here are some tips for handling these stressful holiday dilemmas. How to not be so sensitive. How to not over-react or take things so personally.

Pass the Rejection, Please

- Here is a great way you to take care of yourself at the dinner table. When civility starts getting off track you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the kitchen or bathroom, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this?”

Perhaps you can apply some of these examples to awkward situations in your family. . .

• Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.

- Be direct. Say "Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject."

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists on using her
salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely one. It's almost comical, so why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.

Mom's behavior is another example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

   - Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices. 

  - Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water while you regain your composure.

  - Consider having a talk with him about it in a sober moment. This will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is an exquisite example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

   - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the situation.

   - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

When Feelings Are Too Hot To Handle

By the way, when Aunt Sally says, "You always were too sensitive," she is most likely talking about herself.

This is an example of 'projection' - mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned (shadow) parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

Unacknowledged feelings include anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

3 Keys to Civility

- Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure. These are all examples of taking 'Time Outs.'

- The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions or inactions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Works every time!

Wishing you a happy holiday season. Filled with good cheer, friends, good cheer, good food and drink and peace.

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Exploited! - Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2009

 

Exploited! Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The Balloon Boy story is old news now . . . and you're probably as over-saturated with hearing about the runaway mylar balloon as I am. Yet, I just can't get the story out of my head.

I guess I'm taking it personally. Personal memories started running rampant whenI learned how six year Falcon and his brother were exploited by the parents.

The recent court affidavit states the mother admits the whole saga was a hoax. They knew all along that Falcon was hiding in the residence. The parents instructed their three children to lie to authorities as well as the media.

Exploitation has lots of facets: taking advantage of, using, manipulating, misleading, profiting from, coercing.

Taken Advantage Of at Work

The Balloon Boy saga reminds me of the many disturbing stories I hear as a workplace coach:

- When bosses take advantage of employees

- Or employees take advantage of bosses

- How someone takes credit for a coworker's idea

- Someone pushes work onto another member of the team

- When a manager or co-worker asks someone to 'cover' or even to 'cover up' for them

- Feeling like a 'doormat' because of someone's attitude

- Finding yourself on the receiving end of inappropriate comments or actions

- And you know there's lots more . . .

The bigger your overreaction to these types of actions, the greater the chances you've experienced some form of manipulative, coercive or exploitive behavior in the past.

Taken for Granted By Family or Friends

There are times we feel used by family or friends as well.

You might feel taken for granted when:

- Someone asks for favors, but rarely offers to reciprocate.

- A friend contacts you when they want something. Asking how you are doing seems      like an afterthought.

- A relative borrows money but doesn't return it . . . and they don't return your messages either.

- Your friend is always 25 minutes late for a lunch date, and as the minutes tick by, you feel more and more unimportant. At least that's not quite as bad as your ex-friend who used to totally forget you had a date and not show up at all.

And again, most of us have much less patience for these behaviors when we have a history of experiencing them.

Resentment Builds, Trust Erodes and Future Relationships Suffer

It's hard not to take these things personally. Because they are so hurtful, they feel like injustices and rejections. And if these experiences repeat, resentment builds, trust erodes, and future relationships suffer.

So I've been figuring out why I got so upset by the Balloon Boy hoax. It brings up all the times I've felt taken advantage of. Often it was by people I trusted to protect me. Some of it started in childhood, but it impinges on present  personal and professional situations.

I, too, was glued to the TV mesmerized by the mylar balloon floating over Colorado. I watched as the story of the six year old boy unfolded. I watched as we learned he was not only told to lie low.He was also told to tell a lie.  As I watched him get tangled in the web of deception and exploitation, I was getting sick to my stomach.

No wonder the Balloon Boy vomited while telling his story on two television shows.

This kind of exploitation reminds me of my Child Protective Services days. As you can guess, we heard lots of horrible stories of abusive exploitation of children.  One that got to me the most, however, was the mother who trained her four year old daughter to crawl under restaurant tables, remove billfolds from purses, and bring them back to mom's table.

Watching the Balloon Boy hoax I  was getting pretty upset. The family perpetrated a hoax on the media. The media bit the bait and perpetrated a hoax on the rest of us. I felt swindled. Duped. Bamboozled.

Maybe I was getting upset remembering the how that little girl was coerced to steal billfolds. Maybe I began reliving my own growing up experiences with a stage mother mom who pushed me to perform. She was the one with long-time stage ambitions and visions of fame. It wasn't me. I just wanted to be a kid.

"Hit a Home Run for Me!"

This is a good example of vicarious parenting. It is a form of exploitation - coercion is often involved. The sad result is a rejection of the child's authentic identity.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:
    "When parents try to live their lives vicariously through their children . . . some  confusion about personal boundaries, they don’t know where they stop and where someone else begins. Vicariousness is often a form of coercion. Children often feel pushed beyond their comfortable limits, but are afraid to say “no” to a parent.

    Vicarious parents encourage their children to meet their own unmet goal — vocationally, religiously, or romantically. Or they urge the children to live out their own unfulfilled dreams by being the “performer” the parents never quite became—in school, on the stage, on the playing field.

    These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own     competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children     fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed. The children may lose their sense of self, trading “self” for service to the parents."

Sometimes parents or grandparents want to 'shine' in the eyes of other relatives, coworkers, or friends. They brag about a child's accomplishments to look good. One women told me that her dad bragged  about her art talent to all the relatives. Yet never once did he tell her directly that he was proud of her work.

Bragging Rights

The following is a pretty subtle form of exploitation, but I hear stories about it all the time.   The child is made to feel incompetent so the parent can feel more useful. This behavior sometimes continues into adulthood as well.

Again from 'Don't Take It Personally!':

    “My mom seemed to be waiting for me to mess up so she could step in  and     rescue me,” remembers Georgia. “Sometimes she’d ask me to do chores around the house that were too difficult for me. Then she’d step in and  show me ‘how to do it better . . . . and take over." Georgia did the same when she grew up, taking over for her husband, then chiding him for being 'helpless'". Hmmm. Wonder where she learned that!

I've mentioned before that 20 years ago I served on a National Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. Exploiting/Corrupting is one of the categories we defined:    
    "Encouraging child to develop self-destructive, antisocial, criminal, deviant, or other     maladaptive behaviors (This includes micromanaging the child’s life, encouraging     developmentally inappropriate drug-related or sexual behavior, or interfering with appropriate     autonomy or cognitive development. It also includes using the child as a pawn in divorce     proceedings.)"

And back to the Balloon Boy: Coercing the child to lie to protect the parents is surely a maladaptive behavior. And it has long term effects on our view of the world and the people in it.

Tips for When You Feel Taken Advantage Of

Here are some tips for dealing with an inequitable situation.
This happens to be a workplace example,but you can most likely
adjust it for a personal situation.

Step One:  Describe the behavior in observable, non-blaming terms. "I've been noticing that I seem to be getting the more time-consuming jobs assigned to our team." (This frames the interaction from your own perception in a way that the other person feels less defensive and less likely to argue.)

 

Step Two:   Describe how you felt about the action.  "I get upset (hurt, angry, upset, confused) that it seems so uneven lately.

Step Three:  Describe how you explained the action to yourself. For example, "When I get these complicated assignments, it does not feel fair." (Note: In certain appropriate personal situations you might want to add how the behavior re-creates old messages from childhood. "This is the same situation as when my older sister used to give me the jobs she didn't want to do." Use this step selectively  only in situations where it feels safe. Probably not with most  coworkers or bosses.)

Step Four:   Describe how you would like the interaction to go next time. "In the future I need to know that assignments are being made equitably. This will do a lot to enhance everyone's productivity."

When have you felt taken advantage of? What do you remember about it? How it has affected your subsequent relationships or situations. I'd love to hear your experiences.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
August, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality 
2. So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?
3. Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
4.  F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'
5. The Mob Mentality Morass
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality
by Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't scare easily. But when fear is dished out daily, it's hard not to want to protect myself from the onslaught.

I feel ganged up on. Clobbered. Pummeled. So much information and misinformation is being hurled at me. If I believed everything I heard, I might be scared to death.

There are so many threats being thrown about: How the government is trying to "kill granny." (Hey, that's ME!) That Medicare could be taken away. That I'll have to go before a 'death panel' and be told I have to end my life because I’m not productive enough (or something.)

Truth be told, this last threat hits home. But how did they ever discover my secret fear? How could they know I've been concerned about my productivity of late?  Let's face it, some days I'm not writing as much as I'd like. And I get embarrassed every time someone asks, "Where IS that third book?? And I, too, wonder why I'm not working harder to secure more speaking engagements? 

How did they ever discover that I'm turning into such a slacker? Sheesh. If I'm not careful, I'll soon be taking their threats personally!

The outrageousness of these threats might even be seen as comical. But they are far too scary to be funny.  What frightens me most is the viciousness of the mob behavior at the Town Hall meetings. The outbursts verging on hysteria. The misplaced anger. The hyperbole. The spewing forth of toxic rhetoric.

It rattles me to the core.

So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?

Here are dictionary definitions for 'mob.'
- A disorderly or riotous crowd of people.
- A group of persons stimulating one another to excitement and losing ordinary rational control over their activity.

Social Psychologists define two basic types of mob behavior.
- Contagion theory holds that the energy exchange and anonymity of being in a crowd causes people to act in a certain way.
- Convergence theory holds that like-minded people (people who wish to act a certain way) converge to form crowds.

It just crossed my mind that definitions of 'terrorism' and 'terrorist' fit here as well:

Terrorism:
- The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
- The state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
- A  method of governing or of resisting a government

Terrorist:
- A person, terroristicusually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
- A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Hmmmm. Writing this is bringing back unpleasant memories . . .

 

Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
 

I witnessed mob mentality first hand many years ago when I was a Child Welfare worker for the City and County of San Francisco. We initiated a planned work stoppage to make a point that we deserved a raise. Or more benefits. Or something like that.

Feelings ran high. The flames of indignation were fanned. The workers got all frenzied up. Some behavior became aggressive and unruly.

I watched helplessly as normally responsible and reasonable social workers became disrespectful, disruptive and irrational. Jekyll and Hyde-like they turned on anyone who did not agree with their stance. Suddenly everything became 'us' vs. 'them,' 'good and bad,' 'right and wrong.' The polarization was intense. They threatened, they bullied, they intimidated.

I watched as social workers flung themselves in front of municipal buses to prevent them from rolling. There were ugly shouting matches when picket signs weren't honored. Fury and viciousness were unleashed. It was out of control and scary.

Although I didn't support the tactics, I did support the cause. I agreed to leaflet the commuter bus station. I naively walked up to a queued of passengers and handed out flyers. A few folks got upset. One man suggested, "Miss, you just  cannot push information at people. You should hold it out and let them take it."

In those days I took everything personally. As I listened to his words I felt chastised, dismissed and rejected. Later I understood what a valuable gift this was! Thanks, Mister, for taking the time to teach me such a valuable life lesson on honoring respect and personal boundaries of others.

F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'

These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns. Change is a huge unknown. And this uneasiness breeds fear. For many of us, the idea of change rocks our comfort level.

In the e-letters of March and April of this year I wrote about Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change.  Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos.  I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.

Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.

This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of  "one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?"

F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.

In March 2009 I wrote about 'Fear, Anger and Outrage.'

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/03/fear-anger-and-outrage.html

In April 2009 I wrote 'Don't Fear Change. Change Fear.'

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/04/dont-fear-change-change-fear.html

In these pieces I define rage as 'anger with a history.' "Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss."

"Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear . . . Fear and anger are connected emotions . . . When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We can see the connection between fear and anger in aggressive behaviors.

The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability."

I wrote how fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed. Following the horrific attacks of 9-11, The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. The Economy. And now Health Care and a new president who happens to be Black.

A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless. A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I wrote these two e-letters several months ago. I didn't dream how the recent frenzy of fear and rage would make them even more relevant now.

The Mob Mentality Morass

Let's talk more about Mob Mentality. Social Psychologists prefer to use the terms 'crowd hysteria' or 'herd behavior' (think 'stampede.') The definition of 'stampede is " a sudden frenzied rush of panic-stricken animals."

When humans are caught up in similar panicky situations, we too can be swept along with the tide of mob hysteria. Even though it may be against their better judgment. All too often mob behavior develops a life of its own, spinning out of control.
Like my social worker colleagues, folks with normally decent values may become infected with mob hysteria.

At these times mob participants lose their sense of self.

They become submerged in the group. They lose their personal boundaries. With the loss of this sense of separateness and individuality, comes loss of principles, personal integrity, and sense of responsibility.

In other words, they lose their moral compass.

Many factors can contribute to mob behavior. Here are a few:

- When people feel invisible, dismissed, not listened to or heard, they may react by puffing themselves up bigger than life and participate in mob behavior. By raising their voices and shouting out their fears, they know they are heard.

- If they feel economic opportunities are passing them by, they may be inclined to band together with others who feel the same.

- Mobs tend to view the recipients of their rage as objects rather than real people.

- There's a certain sense of security in the anonymity of a large group. It gives permission to say and do things they would not ordinarily do.

You can probably tell I've been pretty disturbed by these recent out of control happenings. It has helped me a lot to pull together some ideas and thoughts, put them in order to make some sense of it all, and share them with you.

I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts on the subject  . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
April, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears
 2.  The Culture of Fear
 3.  Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious.
 4. "What's going to happen to me?"
 5.  Reaching Out
 6.  Respecting Different Coping Styles
 7.  Tips for Coping with Fear
 8. Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around
 9.  "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
By Elayne Savage, PhD

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. Twelve students and a teacher were killed.

Students Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris did the killing. They felt taunted, teased and ostracized by peers for 'being different.'  They reportedly joked about seeking revenge for these injustices.

A friend says, "They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it."

And so they did. On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns and a semi-automatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates and a teacher. Twenty-five more were wounded.

A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears

On that April day, long into the night and into the morning, I was on the air with the host of a Denver radio program. Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what happened in their community that morning. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And they wondered: "What will become of us?" 

Fear.

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to the fear in everyone's voices hour after hour was too much for me. I was numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And ten years later, I'm still deeply affected.

The Culture of Fear

Since the time of that tragedy, fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed.

The horrific attacks of 9-11 occurred two years later, and The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. And now, the Economy. A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless.

Fear is a hot item on the airwaves, bandwidth and print. With each tragedy, natural disaster, series of killings and acts of terror, the fear quotient gets ramped up.

The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs. Sometimes I imagine a scenario where media folk and politicians attend fear-mongering school to learn how to talk it up to its best advantage. The evening news provides us with a regular dose of catastrophe. If there is a crime or drug or disaster story, it leads the newscast. As the saying goes, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

Whether or not you agree with Michael Moore's motivation in 'Bowling for Columbine,' the 2002 film makes some important points about how fear dominates society in the US. He theorizes that fear leads to using guns to settle disputes in this country.

When this film was made there were 7 million guns to 10 million households in Canada yet there were 151 people shot and killed in Canada compared to 11,798 in the US. Rates for Japan, England, Australia and Switzerland were all under 100. Germany was 373.

Here is a section of film dialogue describing why many Canadians feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked:

    When we lock the door, we're
    imprisoning ourselves inside . . .

    I have family that lives
    in the States.

    They used to live in Canada
             
    And it's so different.
    They get afraid more easily.

    Canada's more just, like,
    "Let's negotiate,
    let's work something out."

    Where the States is,
    "We'll kill you and that'll be the end of that."

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

In the seven years since the release of 'Bowling for Columbine,' fear seems to be even more built into the culture. It used to be we would go from one traumatic event to another. In between our fears and anxieties would subside - until the next tragedy occurred.

It is different now. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. It's been a bumpy ride and most of us are scared. Dazed. Numbed. Stunned. Immobilized. We go to bed scared and we wake up scared. 

Apprehension touches people around us – family, friends and colleagues. One person catches it from another, like a bad cold or mean flu. The anxiety that results can lead to a kind of paralysis. It's hard to think or act.

There's something else in the air. Let's call it helplessness and uncertainty. When these fears are rooted in childhood experiences, a child-like fright takes over.

Childhood fear was usually connected to some kind of loss. Perhaps your childhood friend moved away. Or you transferred to another school across town or to another state. Or an older brother or sister went away to school, leaving a void in your heart.

Maybe it felt like you lost a parent for a while if there was a separation or divorce. Or if there was a serious illness in your family. Or if someone important to you died.

These cumulative experiences affect how you cope with present losses.

What's Going to Happen to Me?

A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

When we are all grown up, but again feeling scared and insecure, we may find ourselves asking the same question. And needing reassurance.

This point is worth remembering. As a child or young adults you may have experienced setbacks that seemed overwhelming at the time. You had not yet accumulated the life experience to know that it's not the end of the world. Things do get better. In the midst of present day misfortunes, it's worth reminding yourself that things will get better again.

As a workplace coach and psychotherapist I'm hearing lots of stories about the impact of the economy. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering. And fear is dominating people's lives.

Loss is the theme in just about every conversation: Loss of jobs, Loss of income. Loss of homes. Loss of savings. Loss of routine. Loss of independence. Loss of security. And with all of this comes Loss of identity and well-being and self-esteem.

And again, the small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

What a lonely feeling fear can be. Your tendency may be to retreat and suffer in silence. At times like these it can be difficult to make yourself
connect with others. It helps to reach out.

Reaching Out

Can you connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then hear yourself say the words out loud. Even if you write in a journal, read your words out loud to yourself. Yes, out loud.  It makes all the difference.

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.

Acting out is one way of releasing tension. It takes many forms. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, or slam doors. Or we might engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out is not always active. It can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, and giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea, however sometimes it doesn't work too well. What if you don’t feel supported by the other person? What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you have different coping styles? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted, you're most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Feelings get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each others individual styles, misunderstandings and hurt can lead to anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there's barely room for connection. And connection is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping with Fear

Truth be told, we often put much more energy into avoiding fear than we do in dealing with it. Would you like some practical ideas for managing fear?

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. Say out loud what your worst fear is. Put a name to it. Talk it out with someone if possible.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. This provides structure and reassurance. And being pro-active helps balance the feeling of helplessness that can creep in.
-
 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare. Honor the differences rather than feel threatened by them.

And in case you missed it, the March 2009 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' e-letter has more tips on dealing with fear (loss and anger, too.)
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around

These ideas from my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' may be helpful:

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space. 

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving, flowing. Moving and flowing.

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time.  Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move. 

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck. 

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy.

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Once you create options for yourself, you don't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping in to a sense of your power.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

Morphizm.com reviews film, music and culture. It's a cool site that gets it right when it proclaims: "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear."

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace,
    With Peers
2. Facing off with the Blackberries
3. 'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
4. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
5. The 'Code of the Streets'
6. Bully-Busting Tips
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers
By Elayne Savage, PhD

OK, so this August e-letter is just under the wire. They don't 
call me 'under-the-wire-Elayne' for nothing. No excuses though.
Nor am I  going to give myself a hard time about it. That would
be self-bullying.  That's not good. I choose, instead, to be
compassionate. With myself.

I guess I have bullying on my mind these days. I know I just
wrote about workplace bullying last month.

Everywhere I turn I hear bully stories. I hear the stories from my
coaching, consultation and psychotherapy clients. I hear the
stories from workshop participants when I present a program.

Bullying stories are all around me in surround sound. Work
related, school-based, Internet-aided.

On  top of all this, there are the amplified attacks on the
political campaign trail. Bully behavior.

Each time I hear a new story or read about the latest political
barb, it reminds me how devastating a bullying experience can be.
How deeply it penetrates. How powerful an effect it can have for
years to come. Even one bad experience. Especially in childhood.

You've probably guessed I was one of those bullied children.

Facing off with the Blackberries

Something happened the other day which brought me face to face
with the memory of those old hurts. I had a surreal encounter
with a blackberry bush in my back yard. I was stretching for that
just out of reach cluster of ripe berries. And stretching. Deeper
and deeper into the thicket.

Before I knew it, the brambles wrapped around me. Tighter and
tighter. The thorns tore my skin. It was pretty scary. The
tendrils took on a life of their own.

I was in their clutches and couldn't escape. "How can this be
happening to me?"

I felt  'caught' and helpless. Not too different from that
powerless feeling of getting bullied. I wasn't taking very good
care of myself to get into this situation. Much like the times I
got bullied as a child. I walked right into it.

I managed to extricate myself but not without causing lots of
damage.

Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how
bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it
personally and how it affects self-esteem.

'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'

Recently I was interviewed by Regan McMahon for a really
informative piece on childhood bullying. It appeared on the front
page of the Sunday SF Chronicle on 8/17/08.

It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link: 

http://tinyurl.com/665ru4

Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'

With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am
transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful
incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C.
when I was mortified in front of everyone on the playground.
I was 5 years old.

I describe this experience in my first book DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION:

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

"One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited--all the girls would

see me walking with him.

Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand.
(Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to,
he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I
felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off.

I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He'd dug his
fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me
to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides
that, it really hurt.

It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're
treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel
cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're
treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of
ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive,
scars form--that are not easily healed.

As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident
didn't just evaporate. It affected my ability to trust others
for many years to come.

For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like
me, what I might have done to cause him to do that to me. I'll
bet that boy had no idea he'd have such a profound influence on
my future social development."

The 'Code of the Streets'

We learn the rules of behavior on our neighborhood streets.
Respect is the essence of this "code of the streets."
Who doesn't yearn to be accorded esteem?

You learn the hard way that you're nothing without respect and
you do what it takes to get it.  On some streets this means
showing off by being the brightest, most clever or most cunning.
On other streets this means developing a talent for "dissing"
others by tough talk, bullying or aggressive behaviors. You
learn the importance of "saving face."

Growing up in DC, I was confused by how the 'lines in the sand'
got drawn in my neighborhood. One morning I'd be playing with
the girl next door. That afternoon her older brother would
threaten to beat me up.

Later the parents would lean over the row house railing and
spit on my front porch. . Did I take it personally? You bet I
did. What a bewildering and rejecting growing up experience for
a child. Bully behavior.

These were tough lessons, but I did learn from them well enough
to share my lessons with you.

Bully-Busting Tips

Here, again, are my tips for handling bullies (from the 'Don Imus
the Schoolyard Bully' e-letter:

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html 

10 TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    - The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
          Maybe all of the above.

    - When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
      lot of space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your
      space so you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    - The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    - FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.

    - Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                          

    - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    - Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________." 
      When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    - Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly.

    - You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    - And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

You can read more on bullying and how to handle it from my
March 2008 e-letter: 'Take Those Miserable Middle School
Memories . . . Please'

http://tinyurl.com/639zgq

The long-term effects of bullying are evident by the many of
Internet responses to the SF Chronicle Bullying article. And by
the emails I received. Lots of folks described how the article
reawakened memories of earlier experiences - often from
childhood. Memories that replay again and again in their adult
lives. Mostly affecting trust.

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

You don't have to keep re-living painful memories.
Especially when they might be interfering with present day
professional or personal relationships.
Contact me to see if a consultation could be helpful to you.

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages. 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Rejection Letters – Handling or Mishandling?

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
April 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1.  Rejection Letters - Handling or Mishandling
2.  Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last
3.  Putting on the Pressure
4.  Confusing Boundary Confusion
5.  Confused Vicarious Parents
6.  Elayne Meets 'The Saint'
7.  Letting Parents Down
8.  Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters
9.  Contacting Elayne 
10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

REJECTION LETTERS - HANDLING OR MISHANDLING?
By Elayne Savage, PhD 

I participated in some media interviews recently that shook me up a bit. One was on bullies and bullying behavior for the San Francisco Chronicle. The other was an interview for Forbes.com on handling college rejection letters.

Participating in both of these interviews reminded me how most of us have to deal with these kinds of rejections throughout our lives.

Take the bully situation. My first being bullied experience was on the school playground. I was in kindergarten. I've been dealing with toxic people and bullies ever since. Not only do I live it. I also see it every day in my coaching and psychotherapy practices. And there's a reason my Dealing with Difficult People Workshop is so popular.

I've written about bullying in past "Tips from The Queen of Rejection e-letters:
Last month (March 2008): http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/03/take-those-mise.html

April 2007 http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html

and May 2007
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/05/index.html

Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last

Rejection letters are not only from college admission offices. You'll probably have to deal with rejection letters more than once in your life. Maybe from a job application, from a boss turning down your pay raise request, from the decision maker about a project you've proposed, or even from a gallery, editor or casting director.

The Forbes.com piece on handling college rejection letters is timely for sure. This is the month college acceptance or rejection letters go out. This is the time when everyone in the household is waiting and hoping for the arrival of a fat envelope from the longed for college. You know. Fat. Fat enough to contain all the forms to fill out that come with news of an acceptance.

But what if a thin envelope shows up in the mailbox instead? Thin enough to contain that one page rejection form letter.  How does the applicant deal with the disappointment?  How do other family members react?

And for that matter, who is more disappointed, the student or the family?

Hana Alberts, a reporter at Forbes.com, does a terrific job covering the college rejection letter issue.

Follow the links here to view the articles:

http://tinyurl.com/5ckqy

http://tinyurl.com/6cbck3

Note that Forbes did a series on college rejection so there are other links as well.

The Forbes reporter and I discussed struggles parents and students have during the application process. We talked about ways the rejected teen can handle the situation.

We also talked about the parents' tendency to become overly invested in the outcome.

Putting on the Pressure

If parents have their hearts set on a certain college for their child, they may put on the pressure. That particular school may not be the right fit at all for the student. Yet the parent pushes for it. And pushes and pushes.

What if the student feels pushed beyond their comfortable limits? What if they are unable or afraid to say "no?"  This is when continued pressure can feel coercive.

Why does this pushing occur? Some parents don't know how to separate their own needs from those of their children. Sometimes parents get confused about what is best for their kids. Instead, it becomes about what is best for the parent.

Confusing Boundary Confusion

For the sake of definition, let's call this type of confusion: confusion of personal boundaries.

The parents' needs overshadow the child's needs. The student loses his or her sense of identity by trying so hard to please parents, not wanting to let them down.

The student might feel like a non-person with no needs. Feeling like a non-person is a bit like feeling invisible. Like you don't count. Feeling discounted equals feeling rejected.

There are lots of situations where parents' boundary confusion occurs. The "hit-a-home-run-for-me" parent makes the softball game about him or herself. Their child's home run is their home run.

The stage-mom mom (or dad) takes on their child's stage triumph as their own. And they take it personally if their offspring flubs a line or misses a cue.

Confused Vicarious Parents

Parents of college applicants get caught up in this mushy boundary web as well. Their child's acceptance becomes their acceptance. A rejection is experienced as if it were the parent's own rejection.

Again, for the sake of definition let's call this type of parent: 'vicarious parent.'
And for the sake of being fair, parents are usually not aware of the vicarious nature of their interactions with their children.

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines 'vicarious' as: Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another

Dictionary.com Unabridged says: Performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another

Parents who tend to live vicariously through their children are usually a bit unclear about where they stop and their child begins. They encourage their children to achieve in a way that meets the parent's own unmet goals. And the goal is sometimes not realistic for the child at all. Instead it's the parents' unfulfilled dreams that they urge their child to carry out.

These kinds of dreams often propel parents to follow their own agendas, without regard for the best interest of the child. It's often about the 'performer' the parent had hopes of becoming: on the playing field, on the stage, in school.

When you get right down to it, the child might feel dismissed, disregarded or even discarded. Each of these feels like a rejection. And they are.

Here's how I describe vicarious parenting in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'

"These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed.

The children may lose their sense of self, trading 'self' for service to the parents."

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

It's the on the stage part that I'm most familiar with. My mother wanted me to be the star she never became. From the time I was very young, she pushed me into the spotlight. Sometimes I didn't want to go. But I didn't dare say no.

Elayne Meets 'The Saint '

My mother's first big push to make me a star was when I was 6 years old. I remember it was my birthday party. My friends and I were eating ice cream and cake when the phone rang. It was for me.

A man from the Washington Post asked to speak to me. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

I was very confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it. She wrote the poem. Making it sound as if six year old might write it. And she didn't tell me. She just sent it to the newspaper.

How was I going to read the poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. Her answer was to make me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother practicing the poem. She's say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write: 

'I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post.'

The words were drilled into my head. Day after day. There was some very serious drilling during the long streetcar ride across town to the radio station.

At the studio all the gleaming microphones overwhelmed me. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. And scared to death.

The time arrived to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to the station that afternoon. And their 'big star' daughter messed up and let them down big time.

Letting Parents Down

Over the years this same scenario replayed following dance recitals and plays. They would be especially upset with me when their friends or relatives were in the audience. Each time I’d see that disappointed look on my mother’s face. Each time I felt like I could never be good enough. Each time I felt let her down.

And that brings us back to the college rejection situation. When that too-thin envelope shows up in the mail, students sometimes feel that they have let their parents down.

So many people are waiting to see what the college admissions office decides. The student, the parents, the school counselor, relatives, friends. It isn't just the applicant's disappointment. It's shouldering the expectations and disappointments of what must feel like the whole world.

Waiting for a decision from colleges brings on another family situation. How do they deal with anxiety? Everyone has anxiety while waiting, but here boundary confusion again enters in. During stressful situations anxious feelings can get passed around from person to person.

For example, the parent might be experiencing memories of past rejections or disappointments. As the tension builds the teen may be absorbing their parent's fears and anxiety.

This situation is similar to the exchange of anxiety that occurs in some families on the first day of preschool or kindergarten. The child's own nervousness increases as it becomes a reflection of the parent's anxieties.

For example let's say that the parent is re-experiencing their own difficult "first day" at school. And the child picks up the tension. When this happens, they are not just dealing with their own worries but with their parent's worries as well.

Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters:

• Remind yourself it's not personal. Colleges (or potential employers, or meeting planners or galleries are looking for a fit. It's something like auditioning for a play you long to be cast in. And even thought you know you are talented and terrific, you don't get the role. An actor I know reminds herself that not getting a part is no reflection on her talent. She has a placard on her office wall that reminds her:  'It's selection, not rejection.'

• Both parents and teens would do well to try to try to keep personal boundaries straight. To understand what feelings belong to whom. What goals belong to who. And what disappointments belong to whom. Passing feelings and anxiety around the family only adds another layer of tension to the situation.

• Labeling and expressing feelings of rejection and disappointment helps you to deal with the loss. And it IS a loss.

• Try hard to see that there is a future after rejection. Remind yourself that making good grades and transferring is always possible. If your choice of career needs graduate school, remind yourself that the graduate school attended makes undergraduate college have less far less importance.

• And again, here are the 8 Tips from 8 Experts For Handling College Rejection Letters - on Forbes.com:

http://tinyurl.com/6gbjln

I've learned over the years that rejection experiences, no matter what form they take, are interconnected, have similarities and keep popping up throughout our lives.

I invite you to write to me with your own stories and let me know where you would like to see Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM) focus in the months to come.

Until next month,

Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

9. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'
2, Pass The Rejection, Please
3. Talking To The Turkeys At The Table
4. Excuse Me . . ."
5. Opt-In To Time-Outs
6. This Feeling Is Too Hot To Handle
7. Thanks for the Opportunity
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. THANKSGIVING GATHERINGS - GRATITUDE OR 'ATTITUDE'
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings  —  clashing and banging against each other. 

There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU —  for who you are and
what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.

Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.

However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness
with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or
preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.

2. PASS THE REJECTION, PLEASE

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these stressful times.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated
by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin
dreaming of a  Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family
gathering.

Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's
going to be different from past experiences.
Are you disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and
the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone
said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And
someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of
rejection.

3. TALKING TO THE TURKEYS AT THE TABLE

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't  end up in
battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can
leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

4. "EXCUSE ME . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action  here?”

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

5. OPT-IN TO TIME-OUTS

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you BE INDEPENDENT
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not
about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about
herself.

In fact, Mom  later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally
always took things personally!"

6. THIS FEELING IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because 
it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In BREATHING ROOM (New Harbinger) I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I
describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

And because many of you have made the request, there will be
more about Personal Boundaries and Projection in future e-letters.

By the way, there's a terrific new book on how to harness the power of gratitude: 'FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF - The Power of Appreciation' by Mike Robbins.

7. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate

them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"I've Never Felt So Mortified!"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
June, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. I've Never Felt So Mortified!"
2. Shame and Humiliation Take Over in a Flash
3. Remind Yourself: "It's Embarrassment and Not Shame"
4. Tips for Handling Humiliation and Shame
5. Getting Your Energy Flowing Again
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. "I'VE NEVER FELT SO MORTIFIED!"   
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

For some of us, getting embarrassed can be, well, so embarrassing.
Blushing. Flushing. Stammering. Feeling disconcerted and a bit
ridiculous.

Some of us, however, skip over embarrassment and go straight to
mortification, and humiliation And yes, even to that agonizing
place of shame.

Maybe you blurted something out without thinking. Or you gave the
wrong answer at a meeting or a class. Or maybe you neglected to
ask about something important. Or you weren't thinking clearly
and made a mistake placing an order.

Several years ago, I got confused at the counter when I was placing
an order for coffee beans. I asked for many pounds of my own special
blend of beans than I wanted. When I realized my mistake, I not only
turned red, but I “flooded.” Panic washed over me. I couldn’t think
straight. I was a “bad” little girl again and someone was going to
judge me. The coffee people were gracious, and didn’t ask me to pay
for my mistake. But I paid for it in other ways — my “badness”
intruded on my thoughts for a few days, until I regained control.

2. SHAME AND HUMILIATION TAKE OVER IN A FLASH

Shame and humiliation are overwhelming feelings for many of us. They
can take over in a flash. Shame's claim to fame is feeling exposed as deficient. We feel painfully diminished.

It's this feeling of exposure that causes intense feelings for most
of us.
Public exposure can be in front of anyone, including friends or
family. Even in front of children.

Usually this feeling of being exposed is not an isolated incident.
It usually dates back to something a teacher said to embarrass
us in front of the class. Or an aunt or uncle teasing us at the
Thanksgiving dinner table. Or running ahead of the group at the
amusement park and getting chastised by a parent.

If embarrassment would just know it's job and stick to it,
everything would be OK. Maybe a little blushing. Or feeling
uncomfortable. Or self-conscious. Or awkward. That would be a
bit easier to handle.

The intrusion of shame into this scenario carries more of an
emotional charge than feeling embarrassed. Yet, shame may not
be necessary to deal with the situation that just occurred.

3. REMIND YOURSELF: "IT'S EMBARRASSMENT AND NOT SHAME"

Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful
or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s
warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Try
repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

In the same vein, if you make a mistake you don’t have to tell
yourself you’re a failure. Okay, so you screwed up—maybe you
misspoke or made a misstep, a miscalculation, an omission, an
oversight. But this doesn’t mean you’re a freak or a failure.

These are self-rejecting responses.

4. TIPS FOR HANDLING HUMILIATION AND SHAME

Here are some ways you can handle your embarrassment when it moves
into humiliation or shame. Especially when you find yourself
emotionally 'flooding.'

You can learn to create distance when you find yourself in
overwhelming situations. By finding a way to avoid the flood of
emotions that may be swirling around you, you can begin to think
more clearly.

1) The easiest approach is counting to ten slowly. It really works
to pull yourself out of the situation and give yourself just enough
distance to regain your balance.

2) Another approach is to say to yourself, “I’m only feeling
embarrassment here, not shame. Just because I’m embarrassed
doesn’t meant I’m ashamed.” Shame and embarrassment are not
the same feeling. Learn to recognize the difference and try to
keep them separate.

3) As soon as I feel any kind of embarrassment coming on I
use this approach. I laugh at myself before anyone else can.
I’ve developed a kind of giggle that pops out whenever I
start to feel embarrassed. It puts me back in control of
the situation and sidesteps potentially embarrassing moments
from moving into the realm of shame.

As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself.
It was more like I was laughing with myself. Once I began to
lighten up everything changed—I found I wasn’t taking things
so personally.

4) A fourth technique is to say to yourself, “I don’t have to
deal with this input now. I’ll put it on ‘tape delay’ and play
it back later. A variation would be to jot down the other person’s
words if pen and paper are handy and tell yourself you’ll deal
with them later.

5) Another way to protect yourself from emotional overload is to
visualize a plastic bubble around yourself where nothing can hurt
you. You have the ability to install or remove the bubble at will.
Nobody can get to you while the bubble is in place. And nobody
knows it is there but you. Imagining a plastic shield in front
of you works too.

6) You might experiment with using imagery to sort out those
jumbled feelings. It helps me to see my feelings as tangled
up gold chains. I once read a household hint that suggests
putting knotted chains on waxed paper, adding a few drops of
mineral oil, and gently moving them around with two straight
pins until they untangle.

This not only works for chains, it works for feelings as well.
It has been a useful image for me to keep handy.
Try visualizing this image the next time you feel all
tangled up.

5. GETTING YOUR ENERGY FLOWING AGAIN

The key is to find ways to untangle and get out of that
state of paralysis. The key is to get your energy flowing
again.

A woman I know who is trained in massage knows about unblocking
energy and moving it around. She taught me how she gets her
energy flowing again. 

Whenever she wants to move from a negative place into a positive
place, she visualizes a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of
warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving
through the interconnected tunnels. As the energy flows, a
wondrous transformation takes place. She notices how the
negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as
they flow from space to space.

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining,
it provides sustenance, allowing room for her needs and wants,
and encouraging clear boundaries.

Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and
enhancing good communication. And it keeps on moving and flowing.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
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6. Contacting Elayne

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Elayne Savage
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