Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

The Presidential Meeting That Made My Skin Crawl

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Watching the Oval office meeting between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and President Trump and JD Vance was excruciatingly painful for me.    As I listened it became clear that JD Vance was baiting Zelenskyy in what felt to me like a pre-planned ambush, knowing that often-feisty Zelenskyy would react the way he did. As Trump’s voice rising and becoming increasingly provocative, I just wanted to throw up.    This Was More Than Anger This Felt Like Rage   The way I see it, rage is 'anger with a history.' A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past.   Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. And once expelled, it contaminates our surroundings.   So where did all this Oval Office rage come from?   Then I remembered Trump has probably been been angry ever since 2019 when he improperly pressured Ukrainian President Zelenskyy to dig up damaging information on Joe Biden prior to the 2020 election.    Trump was impeached by the House of Representatives for using powers to solicit foreign intervention in a US election. He was later acquitted by the Senate. https://search.app/FqCMpmsFH7LnuVnu9   As I watched the chaos building in the Oval Office, early memories came flooding back of all the times I was bullied by the neighborhood kids.   This bullying in the Oval Office was reminding me how devastating a bullying experience can be. How deeply it penetrates.   Even one bad experience, especially in childhood, can have a powerful effect on us for years to come.    When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories.   Bullying is the intentional use of power over another person – to humiliate that person or make them feel rejected and ‘less than.’    For most of us on the receiving end, bullying feels rejecting – insulting, disrespectful, and demeaning.   Memories of 'The Original Humiliation With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C. when I was mortified in front of all the kids on the playground.  I was 5 years old. I describe this experience in my first book  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection   'One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited -- all the girls would see me walking with him! Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand. (Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to, he chose me to hold hands with.   I was in heaven. Then suddenly I felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off laughing.  I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody.   He had dug his fingernail into my cuticle.   It only took a split second for me to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides that, it really hurt.' A bit of PTSD for sure!   It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're treated by others.   If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable.   If we're treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.   When peer relationships are destructive, scars form – deep scars that are not easily healed.  As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident didn't just evaporate.   It has affected my ability to trust others for many years to come.  For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like me, I search my memory for what I might have done to cause him to treat me like that.    I'll bet that boy had no idea he would have such a profound influence on my future social development.   Here is a list of some common bully behaviors: Provoking Ambushing Berating Accusing Arrogance Insulting Coercive Discrediting Discounting Demeaning Slighting Belittling Mocking Criticizing Baiting Dismissing Diminishing Faulting Undermining Condescending Interrupting Shaming Smearing Spreading rumors ‪Excluding Offending Scorning Contemptuous Name-calling Teasing Taunting Sarcasm Verbal battering Picking fights Taking cheap shots And of course, the ever-popular gaslighting one: of the “Can’t you take a joke” variety.   Can you add any others?   Here’s the Thing About Bullies   The bully is most likely not feeling very good about themself.   In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable. So to feel better about themselves they tend to puff themself up, taking a 'tough' stance and trying to diminish the other person.   (I was an full-fledged adult when I became aware of these probable feelings of inadequacy behind the bullying.   Understanding this made all the difference in the world to me – I didn’t feel so diminished.)    And many bullies seem not to have much of a conscience – they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.   The visceral discomfort I was feeling watching the Oval Office exchanges was most likely from my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, the constant interrupting of Zelenskyy.   And especially the undercurrent of what seemed to be festering anger.   Then I remembered how angry Donald Trump has been at Zelenskyy ever since he was impeached.   It felt like they were trying hard to make Zelenskyy grovel and I found this to be such inappropriate and disappointing behavior for a meeting between two presidents of their countries.   How could this be happening in the Oval Office of the President of the United States of America?   What happened to the dignity and decorum that used to reside there?   It Starts in the Sandbox   I wrote in Don't Take It Personally!: "It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt.   A lot of times it  starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The  picked-on child feels hurt and confused.   'Why me? What did I do?  Do I just sit here and take it?   Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened?   Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'"   Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.   But bullying doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.   We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect – big-time rejection.   Bullied Much of My Life   You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces — an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.   One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to the Oval Office bullying was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears and tears of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me.   So one way I could feel I could get the upper hand on bullying, is to more or less become an expert on how rejection and bullying are so connected.   I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending.   I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.   After the show the cameraman actually came up to me and asked if I was OK. He tried to reassure me I did “just fine” in spite of the bullying.   I don’t get bullied so much anymore or at least I like to think the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful when even unintentional.   Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it personally and how it affects self-esteem.  Many years ago I was interviewed for a a really informative piece on the front page of the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle.    It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link:   http://tinyurl.com/665ru4   Different Degrees of Resilience   Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves: - Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or   tone of voice - Misunderstanding what someone says    or means - Overreacting to perceived slights - Getting on each others nerves - Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something     personally   Let’s face it; some of us from childhood are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.   The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.   It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed. This surely can have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about our safety and security in our world and our ability to trust the people in it.   Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries   Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have much of a clue about what respect for personal space and personal boundaries looks like.   If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?   In order to change a behavior we have to be able to recognize it first!   Can you step back enough to identify the behavior and make a choice to make a change?   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.   DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book   To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/4fudKOy To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queenof Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live  link to my website.  And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.    To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: Nanwww.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.    Contacting Elayne: I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'dlike to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com   [email protected]    For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage   Watching the Oval office meeting between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and President Trump and JD Vance was excruciatingly painful for me.  As I listened it became clear that JD Vance was baiting Zelenskyy in what felt to me like a pre-planned ambush, knowing that often-feisty Zelenskyy would react the way he did. As Trump’s voice rising and becoming increasingly provocative, I just wanted to throw up.  This Was More Than Anger. This Felt Like Rage The way I see it, rage is 'anger with a history.' A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past. Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. And once expelled, it contaminates our surroundings. So where did all this Oval Office rage come from? Then I remembered Trump has probably been been angry ever since 2019 when he improperly pressured Ukrainian President Zelenskyy to dig up damaging information on Joe Biden prior to the 2020 election.  Trump was impeached by the House of Representatives for using powers to solicit foreign intervention in a US election. He was later acquitted by the Senate. https://search.app/FqCMpmsFH7LnuVnu9 As I watched the chaos building in the Oval Office, early memories came flooding back of all the times I was bullied by the neighborhood kids. This bullying in the Oval Office was reminding me how devastating a bullying experience can be. How deeply it penetrates. Even one bad experience, especially in childhood, can have a powerful effect on us for years to come.  When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories. Bullying is the intentional use of power over another person – to humiliate that person or make them feel rejected and ‘less than.’  For most of us on the receiving end, bullying feels rejecting – insulting, disrespectful, and demeaning. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C. when I was mortified in front of all the kids on the playground.  I was 5 years old. I describe this experience in my first book  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection "One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited -- all the girls would see me walking with him! Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand. (Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to, he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off laughing.  I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He had dug his fingernail into my cuticle.  It only took a split second for me to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides that, it really hurt. It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we're treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.  When peer relationships are destructive, scars form – deep scars that are not easily healed.  As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident didn't just evaporate. It has affected my ability to trust others for many years to come.  For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like me, I search my memory for what I might have done to cause him to treat me like that.  I'll bet that boy had no idea he would have such a profound influence on my future social development. Here is a list of some common bully behaviors: Provoking Ambushing Berating Accusing Arrogance Insulting Coercive Discrediting Discounting Demeaning Slighting Belittling Mocking Criticizing Baiting Dismissing Diminishing Faulting Undermining Condescending Interrupting Shaming Smearing Spreading rumors ‪Excluding Offending Scorning Contemptuous Name-calling Teasing Taunting Sarcasm Verbal battering Picking fights Taking cheap shots And of course, the ever-popular gaslighting one: of the “Can’t you take a joke” variety. Can you add any others? Here’s the Thing About Bullies The bully is most likely not feeling very good about themself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable. So to feel better about themselves they tend to puff themself up, taking a 'tough' stance and trying to diminish the other person. (I was an full-fledged adult when I became aware of these probable feelings of inadequacy behind the bullying. Understanding this made all the difference in the world to me – I didn’t feel so diminished.)  And many bullies seem not to have much of a conscience – they feel little or no guilt for hurting others. The visceral discomfort I was feeling watching the Oval Office exchanges was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, the constant interrupting of Zelenskyy. And especially the undercurrent of what seemed to be festering anger. Then I remembered how angry Donald Trump has been at Zelenskyy ever since he was impeached. It felt like they were trying hard to make Zelenskyy grovel and I found this to be such inappropriate and disappointing behavior for a meeting between two presidents of their countries. How could this be happening in the Oval Office of the President of the United States of America? What happened to the dignity and decorum that used to reside there? It Starts in the Sandbox I wrote in Don't Take It Personally!: "It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it  starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The  picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do?  Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'" Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. But bullying doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect – bigtime rejection. Bullied Much of My Life You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces — an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on. One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to the Oval Office bullying was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears and tears of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me. So one way I could feel I could get the upper hand on bullying, is to more or less become an expert on how rejection and bullying are so connected. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience. After the show the cameraman actually came up to me and asked if I was OK. He tried to reassure me I did “just fine” in spite of the bullying. I don’t get bullied so much anymore or at least I like to think the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful when even unintentional. Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it personally and how it affects self-esteem.  Many years ago I was interviewed for a a really informative piece on the front page of the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle.  It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link:   http://tinyurl.com/665ru4 Different Degrees of Resilience Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves: - Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or   tone of voice - Misunderstanding what someone says    or means - Overreacting to perceived slights - Getting on each others nerves - Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something     personally Let’s face it; some of from childhood are moresensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others. The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives. It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed. This surely can have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about our safety and security in our world and our ability to trust the people in it.   Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have much of a clue about what respect for personal space and personal boundaries looks like. If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others? In order to change a behavior we have to be able to recognize it first! Can you step back enough to identify the behavior and make a choice to make a change? © Elayne Savage, PhD Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.   DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book   To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/4fudKOy To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queenof Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live  link to my website.  And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.    To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: Nanwww.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.    Contacting Elayne: I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'dlike to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com   [email protected]    For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Pied Piper of Mar-a-Lago

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

                      Pixabay

 

 

About 8 years ago I wrote how descriptions of cults and cult leaders seemed to capture how so many folks were attracted to the promises of Donald J. Trump.

 

Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul?
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2016/07/does-the-art-of-the-deal-mean-selling-your-soul.html

 

The image that keeps popping into my head is of the children of Hamelin, Germany being lured out of their homes by the charm and false promises of the Pied Piper, following him into a cave — never to be seen again.

 

In another blog I felt the need to tell the story of Jim Jones and how 900 of his followers were lured to Guyana and were coerced to drink a fruit drink laced with cyanide. As a Child Protective Social Worker in San Francisco, I knew several folks connected with the Peoples Temple — they all died there.

 

Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2018/11/haunted-by-a-panicky-phone-call-from-a-peoples-temple-member.html

I have described how various cult experts have recognized cult leader characteristics in Donald Trump.

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2022/07/trumpism-cultism-populism-revisited-.html

 

And I’m noticing how the comparisons are again popping up in print and blogs and podcasts and by lots of TV guests.

 

So of course I have a renewed hankering to write about how these observations of Donald J. Trump and his followers appear to reflect the characteristics of cults and cult leaders.

 

And I just cannot get the image of the children of Hamelin out of my head.

Cult Leader Characteristics

 

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.  
Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:


– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.  
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.
– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.
– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.
– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.
– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.
– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.
Believes himself to be omnipotent.
– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.
– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.
– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”
– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

 

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

 

"I Alone Can Fix It"

 

Bill Moyers has observed how Donald Trumps message has been “I alone can fix it.”
“Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.”
"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

 

(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )

 

Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2022/07/trumpism-cultism-populism-revisited-.html

 

As many of you know I tend to see the world through the lens of rejection and it's quite amazing to me how many of these attributes seem to be reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.

 

I would really appreciate your comments and ideas . . .

 

Until next month, 
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne:
  I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Wearing Victimhood As a Badge of Honor

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

 

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

 

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

 

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

 

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

 

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

 

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

 

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

 

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"


Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

 

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  


 

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  


 

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  


 

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 


These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

 

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

 

Taking  Bullying Personally

 

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

 

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

 

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

 

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

 

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

 

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

 

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

 

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

 

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

 

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

 

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

 

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

 

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

 

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

 

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

 

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

 

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

 

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

 

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

             ©Can Stock Photo-LumaxArt2D

 

Have you noticed how over the last few months there have been lots of media references to Trumpism and Cult-like behavior?

I just did a Google search and found dozens, maybe even hundreds of recent links! Actually the number surprised me because the last time I searched, 5 years ago, I found only one link besides my blog from 2016. (See below for the 2017 op-ed piece by Reza Aslan.)

This week marks the 6^th anniversary of putting my fears about the influence of cultism into writing when, on July 27 2016, I blogged about my anxiety.

Below are some of my observations from Does the Art of the Deal Mean Selling your Soul? all those years ago:

 

From Bill Moyers

Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning:

“Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”

And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"

Moyers continues:  This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.”

Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.

"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )

 

Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons

Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.

 ‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. 

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Fear is in the Air and It’s Contagious


Cult Culture

To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s. 

As a Child Protective Services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced to take part in a mass murder/suicide.

I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. The call ended abruptly. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment.

Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member

 

Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.

As he says in the book’s preface “The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”

http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture

 

50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders ––Who Do You Recognize Here?

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.

Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:


– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.

– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.

– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.


– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”


– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior. 


– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    


– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.

– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.

–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.

– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.

– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

 

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

It's quite amazing to me how many of these have to do with reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.

Joe Navarro writes: “When the question is asked, “When do we know when a cult leader is bad, or evil, or toxic?” this is the list that I use to survey the cult leader for dangerous traits. Of course the only way to know anything for sure is to observe and validate, but these characteristics can go a long way to help with that. And as I have said, there are other things to look for and there may be other lists, but this is the one that I found most useful from studying these groups and talking to former members of cults”.

The above observations are from my blog from 2016.

 

My Original 6 Year-old List Seems So Naïve!

As I re-read my list from 6 years ago that I felt were the most obvious characteristics of Donald J. Trump, it seems so naïve now!

I’m amazed I missed so many Trump traits back then. Now that I that I better ‘know’ Donald J. Trump there are many that I would have to include today. Now they seem so hard to miss!

Here are more of Joe Navarro’s characteristics that I would add now:

– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.

– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.

– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.

– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.

– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.

Believes himself to be omnipotent.

– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.

– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.

– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

Actually there are yet another 25 or so characteristics that Joe Navarro lists – what did I miss?

How many of Donald Trumps words or behaviors in the complete list of 50 characteristics do you recognize? Do you see them in other folks as well?

You can imagine how back then lots of folks disagreed with my audacity writing this blog in equating Donald J. Trump with Cult-like behavior.

And yet times have changed some.

I did find an LA Times opinion piece by Reza Aslan from back then when I just did a Google search. It was a lonely article. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, there are many such pieces the last couple of years.

From the LA Times in November 6, 2017

“I am not the first person to point this out: There’s been a cultish quality to President Trump’s most ardent supporters. He seemed to acknowledge the phenomenon when he boasted that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” and not lose voters.

Throughout the campaign, and in personal appearances since then, Trump has harnessed the kind of emotional intensity from his base that is more typical of a religious revival meeting than a political rally, complete with ritualized communal chants (“Lock her up!”).

“, , , , If Trump’s presidency deteriorates further, expect the religious fervor of many of his followers to reach a fever pitch. That poses a risk for the country. Because the only thing more dangerous than a cult leader is a cult leader facing martyrdom.”

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-aslan-trump-cultists-20171106-story.html

 

In 2020 a book appeared by cult expert Steven Hassan who was once a ‘Moonie’ in the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, The Cult of Trump: A Leading Cult Expert Explains How the President Uses Mind Control.

From publisher Simon & Schuster:

Since the 2016 election, Donald Trump’s behavior has become both more disturbing and yet increasingly familiar. He relies on phrases like, “fake news,” “build the wall,” and continues to spread the divisive mentality of us-vs.-them. He lies constantly, has no conscience, never admits when he is wrong, and projects all of his shortcomings on to others. He has become more authoritarian, more outrageous, and yet many of his followers remain blindly devoted. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and a major Trump supporter, calls him one of the most persuasive people living. His need to squash alternate information and his insistence of constant ego stroking are all characteristics of other famous leaders—cult leaders.

In The Cult of Trump, mind control and licensed mental health expert Steven Hassan draws parallels between our current president and people like Jim Jones, David Koresh, Ron Hubbard, and Sun Myung Moon, arguing that this presidency is in many ways like a destructive cult. He specifically details the ways in which people are influenced through an array of social psychology methods and how they become fiercely loyal and obedient. Hassan was a former “Moonie” himself, and he presents a “thoughtful and well-researched analysis of some of the most puzzling aspects of the current presidency, including the remarkable passivity of fellow Republicans [and] the gross pandering of many members of the press” (Thomas G. Gutheil, MD and professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School).

The Cult of Trump is an accessible and in-depth analysis of the president, showing that under the right circumstances, even sane, rational, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to believe the most outrageous ideas. “This book is a must for anyone who wants to understand the current political climate” (Judith Stevens-Long, PhD and author of Living Well, Dying Well).

 

Quotes From The Cult of Trump:

“Another way to control thoughts is through the use of loaded language, which, as Lifton pointed out, is purposely designed to invoke an emotional response. When I look at the list of thought-controlling techniques—reducing complex thoughts into clichés and platitudinous buzz words; forbidding critical questions about the leader, doctrine, or policy; labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate or evil—it is astounding how many Trump exploits.

[Cult] members learn a new vocabulary that is designed to constrict their thinking into absolute, black-and-white, thought-stopping clichés that conform to group ideology. (“Lock her up” and “Build the Wall” are Trumpian examples. Even his put-downs and nicknames—Crooked Hillary, Pocahontas for Elizabeth Warren—function to block other thoughts. Terms like “deep state” and “globalist” also act as triggers. They rouse emotion and direct attention.)”

“As New York Times columnist Charles Blow observed, “Trump tells his followers about all the things of which they should be afraid, or shouldn’t trust or should hate, and then positions himself as the greatest defense against those things

“. . . . This brings me to an important point and a key aspect of my approach. By attacking or belittling Trump’s followers, political opponents and traditional media may be helping Trump to maintain his influence over his base. In my experience, telling a person that they are brainwashed, that they are in a cult, or that they are following a false god, is doomed to fail. It puts them immediately on the defensive, confirms you are a threat, possibly an enemy, and reinforces their indoctrination. It closes their mind to other perspectives. I’ve seen this happen over and over again. It happened to me when I was in the Moon group. It immediately triggers a person’s mind control programming—including thought stopping and us-versus-them thinking, with you being the ‘them.’”

 

There are lots of articles exploring the popularity of Trump. A bottom line of course being his Populist appeal to folks who feel that their concerns are disregarded by others, especially established elite groups.

I guess you can tell I’m even more fearful these days than I was back in 2016!

Just needed to put my anxiety into words. Thanks for reading . . . and would love to hear your thoughts.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Predatory Behavior, Bullying, Screaming and Smashing – Oh My

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

           © Can Stock Photo / Zeferli

 

 

The news is overflowing again with accusations of bullying, harassment, traumatizing verbal abuse, predatory sexual behavior and exploitation.

 

 

The press is full of examples of Producer Scott Rudin’s various out-of-control behaviors. The Hollywood Reporter Headline shouts: "Everyone Just Knows He's an Absolute Monster" and the New York Times headline screams “Volatile and Vengeful: How Scott Rudin Wielded Power in Show Business.”

 

 

About volatility: “he is also known within the entertainment world for terrorizing underlings, hurling staplers, cellphones, mugs and other improvised projectiles in moments of rage.”

 

About being callous and vengeful –– sounds like payback for perceived slights. It’s a good guess he is most likely taking something personally and reacting by lashing out.  

 

 

Ex-staffers describe how Rudin routinely screamed at them:

 

“Why are you so stupid?”

“You’re a hopeless idiot.”

“A clown car is running this office.”

“You’re a pathetic loser.”

 

 

Rita Wilson describes how she felt “worthless, unvaluable and replaceable.”

 

 

These are the same phrases I hear from so many of my clients as they describe  traumatizing words they repeatedly heard from family, teachers, mentors, coaches or bosses.

 

 

Bullying is usually a big part of the experience. And accompanying feelings of rejection, betrayal, and loss of security and trust arising from hurtful bullyingcan continue to affect relationships for years to come.

 

 

I know about this firsthand. I can tell that I’m feeling threatened and unsafe when I have a visceral reaction. Bullying and harassing will do it every time. Even teasing, whether obvious or subtle, can feel abusive to me, just like it did in my childhood.

 

 

More Stories of Inappropriate Behavior

 

At the same time as the Rudin reporting, the New Orleans Times-Picayune, the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times was reporting on the sexual assault and rape allegations about Blake Bailey, the author of a recent biography of Phillip Roth. Almost as soon as the book was published this story broke, and it was taken out of print by publisher W.W.Norton.

 

 

Stories began surfacing from several of Bailey’s students about when they were 12 year old eighth graders in the 1990s when he was teaching English at a New Orleans charter school.

 

 

These now-adults are describing how he singled out his “special girls,” making inappropriate comments about their bodies and wondering aloud when they might lose their virginity.

 

 

Some of these same "special girls" are now reporting that he forcibly initiated sex once they became adults and he confided how  he has “wanted” them since they were in eighth grade but waiting until the age of consent which is 17 in Louisiana.

 

 

“Grooming them” is the term being used.

 

 

And notably, all of the women who spoke to the Times-Picayune are reporting they viewed their encounters with Mr. Bailey as fundamentally unbalanced because of their student-teacher relationship.

 

 

Let’s look at the ways these unbalanced power relationships may have caused confusion and long-term problems for these students.

 

 

The Real Problem: Imbalance and Misuse of Power and Authority

 

 

Power relationships can exist in a wide range of industries and venues:  teachers, coaches, bosses, mentors, physicians and other health professionals, social workers, psychotherapists, attorneys, religious and spiritual leaders and cult-like figures.

 

 

Yes, it is this imbalance in relationships that can lead to much confusion when students, patients and clients understandably look to and depend on their ‘helpers’ as all-powerful experts and authorities.

 

 

In their need to see the ‘helper’ as all-powerful, they may find themselves giving up their own power in the presence of the helper. This imbalance can add to their confusion about the relationship.

 

 

It is this imbalance and misuse and abuse of power, authority and control that I’m addressing here.

 

 

There has been way too little written about the long-term effects of this abuse of power and authority.  I have blogged about this a few times in the past and as I write, I’m borrowing freely from previous pieces, including my focus on bullying behavior.

 

 

Abuse of Power Exists Everywhere

 

The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the more obvious sense of entitlement that exists and drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.

 

 

Seems to me part of the problem is these folks often don't have a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like. If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them? If you don’t even recognize your own bad behavior, how can you choose to change it?

 

 

Some Power Abuses are Low Visibility but High Frequency . . .
 

 

Subtle and overlooked misuses and abuses of power and control exist all around us.

 

 

Abuse of power and authority exists due to some form of status imbalance in both personal and professional relationships. Abuse of power can be obvious or understated, intended or not.

 

 

In my consulting and therapy practice, I hear descriptions of all kinds of disrespectful, dismissive, and discounting interactions. I hear about faulting and blaming and not taking responsibility for actions by making the other person ‘wrong and bad,' a form of gaslighting.

 

 

You can probably guess how often I can hear the hurt and pain when these memories resurface and are described.

 

 

Controlling and sometimes coercive interactions are all around us, yet clients and workshop attendees seem to be surprised when they realize how much power doctors or coaches or teachers or psychotherapists may actually have.

 

 

They begin to see the bigger picture as I describe how students, patients and clients understandably look to their ‘helpers’ as experts and authorities. Yet in their need to see them as ‘all powerful’ they may tend to give up their own power, self-confidence and self-sufficiency.

 

Many years ago when I was a first-year psychology graduate student, I was required to read Power in the Helping Professions by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig.

 

 

My dusty, dog-eared copy is 41 years old now. I find myself re-reading and re-thinking these important power and authority discussions.

 

 

Because I’ve been in the ‘helping professions’ for decades as a Child Protective Services social worker  and as a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in rejection, I’m reminded often that power is often bestowed upon me –– especially if I notice ‘the helper’ role creeping in. It’s difficult to shed; after all, it’s been my ‘job-description’ since I was a child!

 

 

The situation with helpers becomes more complex when someone puts them on a pedestal and wraps them in unrealistic expectations. What happens when the 'helper' disappoints and falls off their pedestal?

 

 

As I often say: disappointment often feels like rejection . . . and rejection hurts!

 

 

"It’s about getting away with something....that's exciting"

 

 

I want to recommend a fascinating piece by Mimi Kramer on ‘The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women.’  I don’t agree with everything she writes, however her personal observations are a good read and I love this paragraph:

 

 

"That, right there — I’d argue — is the impulse behind sexual harassment. It’s about getting away with something. It’s about seeming to be one sort of person.…while really being A Very Bad Boy. That’s exciting for some men. Not the being bad part. The getting-away-with-it part. It isn’t just about power over individuals, the women you victimize. It’s about power over society and the court of public opinion, the thrill of risking everything on one roll of the dice, knowing that it isn’t really all that much of a risk — because nobody will believe her.”

 

 

 

Reliving the Trauma

 

 

As more of these kinds of stories emerge I find myself respecting the courage of those who have come forward. This has been giving many of us permission to tap into our own courage to remember and tell our own stories of inappropriate power plays.

 

 

We all have different ways of processing and different degrees of resilience.

 

These kinds of traumatic experiences are powerful. Even seemingly subtle experiences – can be traumatizing — and might affect each of us in different ways.  Sometimes buried memories begin coming back which often involves reliving the trauma. Sometimes memories and visceral reactions can resurface when there is a new experience of feeling fearful and unsafe. 

 

This is Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) which is associated with repeated trauma.

 

We each have our unique responses, including experiencing long-term repercussions and easily recognizable visceral reactions to inappropriate or abusive personal boundary crossings which affect our feelings of safety and trust.

 

 

We each have absorbed messages from these traumatic experiences –– messages about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it.

 

 

What do you know about your early messages from adults who you looked up to?

How do these experiences and messages affect your relationships now?

 

 

For more info, here are a few links:

The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women
 

 

About Scott Rudin:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/24/theater/scott-rudin.html

 

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/features/everyone-just-knows-hes-an-absolute-monster-scott-rudins-ex-staffers-speak-out-on-abusive-behavior

 

About Blake Bailey:

Vox: https://www.vox.com/culture/22398138/blake-bailey-philip-roth-biography-rape-sexual-assault-accusations-allegations-grooming

NYT: https://www.nola.com/news/education/article_6f42e110-a3bc-11eb-affa-27a3b58b8c95.html

 

 

More on Power, Control and Authority from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

Are Poor Personal Boundaries the Culprit for Sexual Misconduct?  12/2017
 

 

Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere  10/2017

Outbursts of Outrage - Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?   05/2020  

 

 

More on Bullying from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully    4/2007
 

 

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back    6/2010
 

Bullying– Just a Little Locker Room Humor   11/2013

 

 

 

More about PTSD

 

Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring on PTSD       1/2021

 

 

© Elayne Savage

 

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
[email protected]

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Lots of current news stories focusing on the sexual harassment/assault/abuse cesspool. Many brave women and men coming forth with painful memories and stories they have pushed away for years.As you are most likely aware, growing lists of women and men are describing sexually inappropriate behaviors, suggestive comments, bullying, sexual harassment, sexual misconduct, sexual assault, sexual exploitation and sexual abuse.

They describe all kinds of predatory behavior: being groped, fondled, kissed, raped. And lots of stories about these men walking around naked. Many report feeling intimidated by perceived or actual threats to their careers if they say “No.”

The problem, however, is so much bigger than auditions, movie sets and casting couches . . . or the recent #MeToo stories involving journalists, and politicians.

The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the sense of entitlement that drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.

Seems to me part of the problem is these folks don't have a clue about what constitutes personal space and personal boundaries. If you don't understand what they are, how can you respect them?

Abuse of Power Exists Everywhere

I’m writing this blog to spotlight the wide-ranging problem behind the media headlines.

The problem is the imbalance and misuse of power and authority that permeates all industries and venues. There has been very little written about this abuse of power and authority and its long-term effects.

Getting back for a minute to the media’s focus on celebrities – how famous and powerful people are newly identified as Sexual Predators and Sexual Abusers. Harvey Weinstein and James Toback are surely prominent in these stories. I was amazed at how Toback’s accusers grew almost overnight from 30 to 300. And one by one the perps are being identified and called out. Some have had honors withheld, some have been fired.

#MeToo is giving men and women permission and courage to move past the shame and fear and finally tell their stories of abusive experiences and traumatic memories. Some of these memories go back as far as childhood and teen years. It takes so much courage to reach deep inside, reach past the pain and be public with these very private secrets.

The Real Problem: Imbalance and Misuse of Power and Authority

Power relationships exist in a wide range of industries and venues: with bosses, coaches,  mentors, teachers, physicians and other health professionals, social workers, psychotherapists, attorneys, religious and spiritual leaders. And let’s not forget the power of bigger-than-life cult-like figures. What groups have I left out here?

(See link below toward end of the blog for descriptions of some cult-like personality features.)

Some Power Abuses are Low Visibility but High Frequency . . .

Subtle and overlooked misuses and abuses of power and control exist all around us.

Abuse of power and authority can be obvious or subtle, intended or not. It exists due to status imbalance in personal and professional relationships.

In my consulting and therapy practice, I hear stories about power relationships in the workplace as well as between couples in counseling. I hear descriptions of disrespectful, dismissive, discounting, faulting interactions. I hear about blaming and not taking responsibility for actions by making the other person ‘wrong and bad.’

In my workshops when I describe how situations can be controlling and sometimes coercive, attendees are somewhat surprised at the idea of doctors or coaches or teachers or psychotherapists having so much power. They begin to understand as I describe how students, patients and clients understandably perceive their ‘helpers’ as experts and authorities, yet they may tend to give up their own power whenever there's a need to see them as ‘all powerful.’

There have been times when it it feels like some clients unknowingly give me a lot of power. Part of my job is to stay aware and not inadvertently step into that role. This can surely be difficult for those of us who think of ourselves as ‘the helper.’

Examples would be when I offer a client a new approach to a problem or encourage re-framing a negative perception to positive or suggest the possibility of considering options and choices. I try not to tell someone what to do, yet sometimes clients seem to want advice, to be told what to do. When I notice it, this has been a fruitful topic to explore with them.

Many years ago when I was a first-year psychology graduate student, I was required to read Power in the Helping Professions by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig.

My dusty, dog-eared copy is 34 years old now. Even though some ideas are outdated, I appreciate the richness of the Jungian archetypal perspectives as a nice adjunct to my Family Systems way of thinking.

I find myself often re-reading and re-thinking these important subtle power and authority issues.

Because I’ve been in the helping professions for decades as a Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement social worker and as a psychotherapist in private practice, I am reminded every working day of the power so often bestowed upon me and the power I might be wrapping myself in whenever I define myself as ‘the helper.’

I actually see our work as rolling up our sleeves and working together in teamwork. Yet, sometimes I notice ‘the helper’ role creeping in. It’s difficult to shed; after all, it’s been my ‘job-description’ since I was a child!

This kind of power and authority imbalance is much less visible of course than the news stories of sexual power and abuse by celebrities. The trauma, however, exists in all these stories.

What if someone puts their 'helper' on a pedestal, and perhaps has unrealistic expectations of that person? What happens if the 'helper' happens to show another side of their personality and disappoints these idealistic expectation

We have been reading about the darker side of some of our favorite entertainment personalities and politicians.These discoveries of unacceptable behaviors can happen in lots of our everyday interactions and it is almost always a disappointing discovery, especially if we've elevated our 'helper' person and they come crashing down.

As I often say: disappointment often feels like rejection . . . and rejection hurts.

"It’s about getting away with something....that's exciting"

I just read a fascinating piece by Mimi Kramer on ‘The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women.’ I don’t agree with everything she says, however her personal observations are a good read:

“That, right there — I’d argue — is the impulse behind sexual harassment. It’s about getting away with something. It’s about seeming to be one sort of person.…while really being A Very Bad Boy. That’s exciting for some men. Not the being bad part. The getting-away-with-it part. It isn’t just about power over individuals, the women you victimize. It’s about power over society and the court of public opinion, the thrill of risking everything on one roll of the dice, knowing that it isn’t really all that much of a risk — because nobody will believe her.”

(See the link below)

This sure reminds me of Donald Trump's "You can do anything" boast on the Access Hollywood tape which was made public on October 7, 2016. And his reward for this ‘get-away-with-it’ attitude towards women? One month and one day later a national election propelled him into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Reliving the Trauma –– Memories Come Flooding Back

#MeToo has been giving many of us permission to recall and tell our stories of traumatic experiences from inappropriate power plays.

I was surprised when I, too, just revisited a creepy re-emerging memory from decades ago. I thought I had buried it because I was afraid, if I allowed myself to remember, that painful young-adult-hard-to-deal-with shame would come flooding back. And it did, of course.

This experience was with a college professor who taught a required course for my major. One day he asked me to stay a few minutes after class, and when the room was empty he said some shockingly inappropriate things to me. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. It was so confusing. I went numb and don’t remember what I did or said before I gathered the presence of mind to leave the room. I probably stood there and listened for too long, unable to protect myself from his mortifying words. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.

Back in those days it was pretty unheard of to report a professor to the Dean – I would have worried the instructor would have found a reason to flunk me. 

So I just went invisible in class, never opened my mouth again to contribute and was always the first one out the door. I avoided him as much as possible from that day forward.

I began dwelling on what I might have said or done to bring on his dirty, slimy comments. Yes, I blamed myself – for years.

And these kinds of degrading experiences, large and small, stockpile in our memory bank. Many times I have walked blocks out of my way to avoid the obscene comments yelled out from construction sites.

I’ve also taken pains to avoid a co-worker who likes to tell dirty jokes or make graphic remarks. Whenever this would happen I’d remember Anita Hill’s testimony about her ex-boss Clarence Thomas when he was interviewed for the Supreme Court. He, too, was rewarded for his crude and  in his in his black-robed boundary-less behavior –– and decades later he is still sitting on the bench in his black SCOTUS robes!

#MeToo stories are allowing buried memories to come back and often involves reliving the trauma. Here I am decades later vividly recalling the creepiness and humiliation of that incident with the professor. My skin crawls as I think of it. I can’t remember his name, but I can clearly see that short, squat, body stuffed into his rumpled, ill-fitting suit, his bushy eyebrows and ugly face.

Remembering it now, I still feel dirty.

An observation: I'm noticing that as accusations grow about the behaviors of these powerful celebrity folks, the media sometimes compares the ‘severity’ of one incident to another.

Trauma is trauma. We each have our unique responses and long-term repercussions. We each live with whatever fearful and self-rejecting messages the traumatic experience leads us to take in about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it.

This is especially true if, in our early years, there were inappropriate or abusive personal boundary crossings which affected our feelings of safety and trust. Each new situation might be somewhat different, however our visceral response is very recognizable.

We can expect the original fear to re-surface if we find ourselves in another unsafe moment and as we read these #MeToo stories. For some of us this can be similar to a PTSD-like experience.

Over the years clients have confided how relieved they were to finally learn a term that provides a framework for what happened to them as teens or young adults: One of the most common examples is, “Oh, now I see that was an attempted ‘date rape.’” When I was first introduced to that term it helped me as well. I can certainly relate to what that kind of fear and trauma feels like.

I can add that term to my ever-expanding list of dehumanizing experiences.

Here are the links I refer to earlier:

Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul? where I list some very Donald J. Trump-ish characteristics of cult leaders.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2016/07/does-the-art-of-the-deal-mean-selling-your-soul.html

The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women

https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/2017/10/28/16562328/sexual-harassment-workplace-harvey-weinstein

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage