Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Disloyalty, Betrayal and Secrets, Too

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / Elnur

 

Loyalty and Betrayal (and Secrets, too) have been a popular topic with friends, colleagues and clients lately. There must be something in the air.

Topics of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets have captured my interest for decades – they have such a strong connection to the many facets of Rejection.

So I’m excited about Jonathan Karl’s soon-to-be-published book Betrayal, due out in November!

In graduate school, I was totally intrigued by Invisible Loyalties, by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, focusing on how loyalty and betrayal messages travel throughout the generations in our families.

More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger

 

He describes an invisible ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.  

My first reaction: OMG that’s my family! I have never thought about things this way.

There are so many messages we take on in our growing up years. Messages about our world, the people in our world, our sense of safety and security in our world and our ability to trust.

And experiences with the disappointments of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets can big time affect our ability to trust.

I see it this way: Too often we might find ourselves feeling disappointed in people or events.                                      And all too often, Disappointment feels like Rejection.

 

When Disloyalty Rears Its Ugly Head

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

Some folks even encourage others to choose sides. And because blind support becomes a proof of loyalty to them, if it is absent they they feel betrayed and take it personally.

Sometimes in interactions with other there is just no room for mistakes – even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of disloyalty and emphasizing what a bad person that person is.

Some folks seem to have a need to lash out and punish others for a mis-step, kind of like when a dog has an 'accident,’ rubbing its nose in it "to teach a lesson."

Then again, sometimes it emanates from being vindictive and retaliating in just plain mean-spiritedness

Are there other kinds of Disloyalty experiences you are aware of?

 

Making Someone ‘Bad and Wrong’

 

Wrapped up in our need to make others bad and wrong might be connected to our inability to take responsibility for our thoughts or actions.

Some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

And if we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this can lead to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

 

Psychological Projection

 

So basically Psychological Projection is a tendency to mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because these disowned parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us.

Projection is how many people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

(For more on Psychological Projection, see link below)

 

The ‘Attack-Defend’ Dynamic

 

When we feel a finger is pointed and we feel criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. And the Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Shaming

Smearing

Scorning

You may recognize these responses as rejecting behaviors.

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, try to remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

• It helps to put things in perspective by asking yourself:

       Am I taking this personally? How?

       Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

       Am I feeling rejected in some way?

       Where did this reaction come from?

          Is it something “old”?

         (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

• Try repeating:

      "This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves.

      What might they be saying?“ Could they be coming from a place of fear and needing to protect themselves?

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be? Is it superimposing onto your present experience?

The context and people may be very different from what is happening now, however the experience continues to reside in your neural pathways and becomes visceral.

• Can you remind yourself to try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you are creating some distance? So you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting.

• By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options for your reactions.

 

‘Make a Choice to Make a Change'

 

Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. You can ‘make a choice to make a change.’

More on Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Election Campaign 2024: Rejections, Accusations and Psychological Projections

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

      © Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri

 

Here we go again – another political season when campaigning brings on psychological projection full force!

 

Since TipsFromtheQueenofRejection.com  was born in 2006 I’ve blogged about projection 26 times! Mostly piggy-backing on news related to full of examples related to politics and politicians!

 

I’m so amazed by the distortions and finger-pointing during campaigning. Especially unsettling have been the doses of threats and fear mongering and distractions and deflections and denial.

 

So Let’s Define Projection

 

Psychological projection is the tendency to unconsciously see certain traits in another person –– traits you cannot acknowledge them in yourself.

 

One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

If our family or peers or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for this to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side’, sometimes called our ‘dark side.’

 

And if they do start to pop up, we can feel really uncomfortable. Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up.

 

So most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing this anxiety when these undesirable thoughts intrude.

 

A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts or feelings to another person or group.

 

We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

 

Too Hot to Handle

 

Have you noticed how traits, behaviors, ideas, thoughts or feelings you can't tolerate in others are often the very things you can’t stand about yourself?

 

These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

 

It might include your own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or your own limitations. 

 

So when a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it – and quickly. That's when you might toss it over to someone else – and partners, family, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.

 

One person tends to blame the other for their own unacceptable thoughts or behavior. By attributing the thought to them, you can often rid yourself of the that uncomfortable anxiety that it brings up. And you may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.

 

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

 

One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

 

Psychological Projection to the Rescue

 

When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we struggle to come to terms with.

 

When someone mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in him or herself. They may be projecting their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

About Those ‘Blind Spots’

 

Blind Spots are our own traits we don’t see, although others do;

 

I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple':

“Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them." 

Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

 

When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits become our 'shadow side.'

 

For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable and he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.

 

He says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry."  Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.

 

So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? One way is he might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper. The one with the problem.'

 

And he may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.

 

In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.

 

He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.

 

In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees their own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.

 

The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies. 

 

Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.

 

Blind spots prevent us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.

Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.

 

And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

 

So in order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.

 

Psychological projection exists in our personal and professional relationships . . . and big-time in the political arena.

 

Littering Along the Campaign Trail

 

Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other.

 

Accusations about voter fraud, health care, tax plans, women’s reproductive rights, negative ads, immigration.  More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the economic world.

 

And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."

 

The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives.

 

All those unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself.

 

It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

 

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.

 

And when it feels personal, here is a a reminder worth repeating to yourself when you get that tarry feeling that someone is confusing their own anxieties with how they see you:

"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

 

And this recent piece sums it up very well:

PROJECTION AS A POLITICAL WEAPON

by Chris Bell and Gary Senecal

From Unconscious Defense to Conscious Offense

 https://analytic-room.com/essays/projection-as-a-political-weapon-chris-bell-gary-senecal/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
  

Both books are available on Kindle and 
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book
 
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION f rom Amazon:

amzn.to/4fudKOy

Now also available in audio!

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:

amzn.to/2bAHmIL



REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: 
  You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  
 
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  
 
Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:

510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  
 
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:

Twitter@ElayneSavage

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

FactChecking the Biden-Trump Debate – My Impressions of Theater of the Absurd

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

 

Sure has been tons of commentary and interpretations about the Trump/Biden debate. 

 

I had profound reactions to both candidates.  And it turns out I had some very different observations and conjectures than has been reported by most media. 

 

I just blame it on my tendency to respect my intuitive sense - to trust my gut. Not that I am ever sure I am !00% right – but often I am.

 

So this blog is very personal – I'm describing here my experiences of watching, the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach from both candidates and the overwhelming feelings that were coming up for me.

 

There has been a lot of chatter about Donald Trump's larger-then-life presence dominating Biden's seemingly barely-existent energy.

 

But for me, Donald Trump's 'bigness' felt uncomfortably familiar – all puffed up like the bullies who used to terrorize me when I was a child playing in the alley between the Washington DC brick rowhouses.

 

 

Feeling Intimidated

 

Donald Trump is a formidable opponent! Especially when he puffs himself up and assumes his bully stance. He did it on The Apprentice and he continues to play the role in real life.

 

When someone puffs up like this they take up a lot of space. It doesn't leave much room for the other person.

 

And they become diminished.

 

And it seemed to me that this is what was happening to Joe Biden – as Trump became larger-then-life, Biden became smaller . . . and smaller.

 

 

Ambivalence is ‘Feeling Stuck’

 

The first thought that kept nagging at me throughout the debate was how I found myself wondering if, in fact, Joe Biden might be struggling with an unidentified conflict - feeling torn between wanting to run again and conflicted about running again. I kept returning to the thought throughout the debate.

 

I have heard so many therapy and coaching clients describe "feeling stuck" when they are struggling with ambivalence. 

 

And I have certainly struggled with this internal argument myself – many times.

 

This state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something is ambivalence. 

 

"l want to run again /I don’t want to run again”

"I can do it/ maybe I can't."

 

I blogged about my struggles with ambivalence when I was to trying to publish my first blog in 2007:

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

 

Too often when we find ourselves in this kind of a stuck place, we end up doing some unconscious self-sabotaging. I sure know I sometimes do.

 

 

Freezing and Blanking Out

 

There has been lots of speculation about Joe Biden’s stumbling over words and silences.

 

As a professional speaker and an often-interviewed author over the last 25 years, I sure know the feeling of blanking out on a phrase or a word. 

 

Having nearby notes in case I need a word has always been my security blanket.

Always makes me really nervous to not have my blanky handy.

 

Sometimes my memory lapses are due to nervousness, but more often due to my ADHD.

 

One time, just before I was ready to leave for a National Speakers event to present a mini training, I received the news that a family friend had been murdered.

 

I physically showed up to the event but was really not emotionally present and had several blank-outs during my short presentation. 

 

Watching Joe Biden's demeanor at the beginning of the debate I was reminded of that nightmare experience and found myself wondering if he might have just been made aware of some disturbing information that absorbed his attention.

 

I was pretty sure Donald Trump would repeat many of the out-and out lies he has been campaigning with, but I was shocked at the hugeness of his lies during the debate – much worse then I imagined it would be.  I could see from Joe Biden’s open-mouthed expression that he, too, was totally blown away by the number and inflation of the lies.

 

And I'm sure my mouth was dropping open as well.

 

The expression I read in Biden’s eyes was “I can’t believe yet another lie, and another and another.”

 

And I’m sure my eyes were showing the same kind of disbelief.

 

Actually I was aware that some of my disbelief was that the CNN moderators were clearly not going to call out any of the exaggerations and outright lies coming out of the mouths of either Donald Trump or Joe Biden.

 

I kept thinking I saw a look of "where are you? Why aren't you saying something?

 

When someone makes up lies about something, it is always especially hard for me when it feels like they are dismissing my own perceptions that I know I saw with my own eyes or heard with my own ears.

 

 

“You’re Imagining It”

 

The message is all to familiar from my childhood and I have a huge visceral reaction: 

 

“It’s all in your mind.”

 

"I didn't say that."  

 

"Why would you think that?"

 

“You’re imagining it”

 

My stomach still knots up when someone lies to me and disputes my reality. Certainly we each might have a different perception – I’m talking here about intentional lying which is gaslighting.

 

 

Gaslighting

 

Outright, purposeful lying is gaslighting because it is an attempt to manipulate reality.

 

I have blogged many times in the past about gaslighting:

Here is one example:

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2021/02/describing-the-capitol-siege-like-a-performance-piece.html

 

 

Exaggerating vs. Outright Lying 

 

You probably are aware that several media outlets have been comparing what they call Biden's 'exaggerations' and 'misstatements' with what they call Trump's 'lies':

 

Here are some links :

 

AP:  https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-misinformation-election-debate-trump-biden-577507522762aa10f6ee5be3a0ced2bb

 

FOX: https://www.livenowfox.com/news/presidential-debate-fact-biden-trump-false-claims.amp

 

FactCheck.org: https://www.factcheck.org/2024/06/factchecking-the-biden-trump-debate/

 

PBS: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/fact-checking-the-claims-biden-and-trump-made-during-the-debate

 

CNN: https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/06/27/politics/fact-checking-the-cnn-presidential-debate

 

There are many many more articles  – Just google something like 'Trump Biden debate lies.'

 

 

Accusations of Getting High and Getting Over-Energized

 

Another observation I had watching the debate was remembering all the pre-debate accusations by the Trump team that Biden would be ‘high’ on stimulant energy drinks like caffeine or Red Bull, or Mountain Dew or even drugs like Adderall.

 

This Adderall accusation about Biden brought back déjà vu memories of 2 years ago when there were quite a few speculations about whether Trump might have been over-using Adderall.

 

Hey, most of us can use an energy boost once in a while.  I can sure use one if I have a late evening client or a deadline.  I’m a big fan of using a couple sprays of vitamin B12 into my mouth for a boost of energy when I need it!

 

During this debate we could definitely see by his low energy that  Biden probably was not using stimulants.

 

I found myself wondering if he or his team might have been concerned he would be asked by the moderators about (or accused by Trump of) using energy/performance enhancing drugs, and he was wanting to be able to truthfully say “no.” 

 

I found myself thinking he sure could have used a swig or two of Donald Trump’s caffeine-laced Diet Cokes! 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Did you watch the debate? Wondering what your impressions and observations were.

 

^{NEW NOTE: Wanting to add this recent development from the Supreme Court a few days after the debate:}

On 7/1/24 the U.S. Supreme Court majority ruled that presidents — including former President Donald Trump — have immunity from prosecution when carrying out “official acts.”

“Under our constitutional structure of separated powers, the nature of Presidential power entitles a former President to absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for actions within his conclusive and preclusive constitutional authority,” the court wrote. “And he is entitled to at least presumptive immunity from prosecution for all his official acts. There is no immunity for unofficial acts.”

^{Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote how the ruling, makes a “mockery of the principle” that no one is above the law."}

^{“The relationship between the President and the people he serves has shifted irrevocably. In every use of official power, the President is now a king above the law.”}

^{…With fear for our democracy, I dissent.”}

^{A king above the law? Wow - Amazing timing!}

^{Just think, the Supreme Court of the United States is giving what many consider to be king-like power to US Presidents just 3 days before we were about to celebrate the 255th year of our Independence from the rule of English kings!}  

 

And more recently: I am really bothered by the Secret Service not protecting Donald Trump, in fact leaving him exposed to the possibility of a repeated attack.  That's supposed to be their job. Is there some reason when they were warned about possible danger they did nothing to avert it?  

 

As I watched, the whole thing felt like a surreal Pinter or Beckett or Pirandello play. But then the debate also felt like watching Theater of the Absurd.

 

Would love to hear about your observations . . .

 

Until next month, 

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Seeking Respect in a Dissing Kind of World

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

I’m writing today about RESPECT and how important it is for our relationships to be running smoothly: Personal, Workplace and as we have been seeing lately, Political.

 

However, respectful interactions seem to be more and more infrequent. A lack of respect seems to be permeating our homes and country and our world.

 

When I’m working with clients — workplace or couples or families lately I’m noticing that respect has become frayed and tattered and torn and sometimes practically non-existent.

 

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings and anger and resentment seem to be filling the space and there is barely room for connection.

 

Isomorphism/Parallel Process

 

Like me, many of you, may have grown up in a confusing and chaotic environment of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

And all too often these many years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of the lack of respect in the world. I hate the way I seem to be absorbing it. And it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing increased contentious behaviors in your family or work? Or have you found yourself reactive and losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

 

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One context morphs into another — taking on similar properties. 

 

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by the other.

 

We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

We tend to look to our community and state and country and world leaders for direction and modeling.

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

 

When various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty, this is isomorphism.

 

When there is a culture of disrespect that affects regional or national or global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated and influenced by the negative qualities and actions of our leaders this is isomorphism. 

 

Can you see how this culture of disrespect, attitude, character and temperament can trickle down to family, business and even global interactions.

 

And there is something highly contagious about this kind of volatile, contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.

 

Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Let’s take a look at how Psychological Projection and Isomorphism/Parallel Process often accompany each other and result in boundary confusion.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

 

Psychological projection – The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

The other person may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

If our family or peers or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

 

And if they do start to pop up, they can make us really nervous.

 

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to another person or group.

 

We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

 

Have you noticed how traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself?

 

These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

 

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can often rid yourself of the anxiety that it brings up.

 

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

 

Psychological projection exists in our personal and professional relationships . . . and seemingly in the political arena as well.

 

We see it in politics all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, the economic crisis, influence peddling, secret money deals, negative ads.

 

A recent example is the accusation by Congressman James Comer, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, about a $200,000 check and a $40,000 check written to Joe Biden by his brother’s wife which are notated as a repayment of loans.

 

The committee chair is accusing that the check is a secret payment for some sort of influence peddling of the Biden name. There are copies of both checks on file stating the transaction is repayment of two loans that Joe Biden had earlier wired separately to his brother.

 

Interestingly, reporters have recently discovered there happens to also be an exchange of $200,000 between the Chairman and his own brother regarding what appears to be questionable real estate dealings.

 

I can’t help but wonder if the Chairman might be feeling guilty about his own family transactions and projecting his guilt onto the Biden family! Some reporters are talking about doing more scratching below the surface.

 

Oh my — how did our world lose its grip on acting respectfully and on the ability to be empathic?

 

How did so many of us turn into angry, volatile, resentful, disrespectful human beings?

 

It IS often a struggle not to take these words and actions personally when we feel in our gut that they are meant to be hurtful and degrading and and especially when they are retaliatory for even a small perceived slight.

 

I honestly think that it mostly has to do with the process of absorbing mean-spirited attitudes from the people around us — especially from our leaders.

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest offices in the land to act out in similar ways to what we have observed happening a few years ago in the White House and more recently in Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety and honesty.

 

It’s hard to ignore the rampant disrespect being flung about every day — taunting, smearing, mocking, insulting, attacking . . . and bullying.

 

Bullying is Incredibly Disrespectful

 

On a personal note, I find myself having a visceral response when I hear our elected officers resorting to name-calling to try to get under each others skin.

 

I was often subjected to this kind of taunting behavior in grade and high school.

 

I hated being the brunt of bullying back then — i always hoping for protection from the grownups, which didn’t happen. I didn’t feel safe in those days and a replay of that anxiety tends to creep in now.

 

Hearing all this present day political bullying makes me cringe. The taunting makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Too many hurtful childhood memories here, I guess.

 

Bullies tend to puff themselves up when they are feeling unsure, insignificant, anxious, vulnerable or fearful. Folks tend to inflate themselves in different ways – bragging or boasting, self-absorption and needing to be filled with a sense of self-importance.

 

A popular way of inflating oneself is by disrespectfully diminishing the other person through put-downs, insults and mockery.

 

Demonizing and Weaponizing

 

So many folks find themselves demonizing and weaponizing these days. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without disrespecting other points of view. It is a real challenge to try to talk issues and national and world events in an objective way.

 

But something bigger is going on.across several different contexts.

 

I’ve been a couples and family therapist for several decades. Mostly our sessions include difficult to discuss feelings and experiences. Because I teach respect, clients say being in the presence of the therapist (me) encourages their ability to express themselves on hard to talk about challenges. Even though Interactions include angry or hurtful feelings, they used to stay respectful of each other.

 

But something different has been happening the last few months! The respect that has accompanied sessions seems to be eroding. I’m hearing more hurtful, and mean-spirited and disrespectful language — yes, even vile!

 

What’s happening? My guess is that folks could be absorbing their language and lack of restraint from what they are witnessing from our political leaders.

 

I’d sure love to see more mirroring of respectful interactions.

 

I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects mostly positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives.

 

And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest offices in the land.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

[email protected]

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

The Case of the Missing Apology

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                        © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

Lately there has been an amazing amount of name calling and finger-pointing and making someone ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ coming from both political and personal venues.

 

And these perceived slights co-exist with lots of taking things personally and retaliatory behaviors.

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Lashing out

 

Accusing

 

Discrediting

 

Discounting

 

Slighting

 

Criticizing

 

Dismissing

 

Diminishing

 

Faulting

 

Undermining

 

Shaming

 

Smearing

 

Scorning

 

You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

 

What I don’t hear about are apologies for these out-of-control behaviors. 

 

I don’t see folks taking responsibility for their often outrageous conduct.

For many of us apologizing is really hard to do.

Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: 

‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

“I’m sorry I hurt you,”

or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.”

or “I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.”

 

The way I see it, our ability to step up and take responsibility and offer a sincere apology too often has to do with Blind Spots we have about ourselves and our behavior.

 

 

Blind Spots Are Those Traits About Ourselves We Just Don’t See, Although Others Do

 

Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.  

This blind spot prevents us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.

 

 

Psychological Projection to the Rescue

In order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.

 

We project aspects of  our own sadness, our anger, our resentment, our badness, our tendency to be patronizing or manipulative or competitive or controlling, our fears and vulnerability and dependency and other insecurities.

Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.

 

And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

Can you see how easily Blind Spots and Projection can get in the way of sincere apology?

 

 

An Important Part of Apologizing: Acknowledging and Taking Responsibility for Behavior

 

Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed – or shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling which many of us grew up with at home or from teachers or peers.

Sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.

That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. At times our own sense of pride interferes with us noticing how hurtful our words or actions or inactions might be to the other person.

Sometimes these are generational family “this is how we have always done it in my family” kinds of messages. 

 

And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy – we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand their hurt and to share their feelings.
 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

 

 

                                                              © Can Stock Photo / artursz 

 

 

“Stages of Denial”

 

I was recently sent a note from reader Lisa Doran encapsulating her impressions of typical statements made when a sincere apology was needed.

I think Lisa really nailed it and I want to share it with all you . . .

 

“Stages of Denial” that I hear and see over and over
by Lisa Doran

 

1. I didn’t do it

2. If I did do it, I didn’t mean to do it

3. I don’t understand why this is an issue anyway. This is a “you” thing

4. If I did do it, it’s your fault I did it

5. I already said I’m sorry (note: this is said after no sorry’s have been expressed)

This sounds really familiar to me. To you too? 
And it also sounds like gaslighting to me ... what do you think?

 

 

'Make a Choice to Make a Change'^TM

 
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by walking alongside yourself and mindfully ‘noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behavior, you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. 

 

You can ‘make a choice to make a change!’

 

I’d love to  hear your ideas about apologies – you can email me at [email protected]
 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

More about Blind Spots:  

bit.ly/44zlYya

 

More about Taking Things Personally and Psychological Projection:

bit.ly/3L4bks8

 

More about taking Responsibility and Sincere Apologies:

bit.ly/2DGrci5

 

Until next month …
Elayne
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I really hate being lied to and I’m having a huge reaction to the blatant lying that’s going on politically.

 

I feel my stomach knotting up as I recall my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. 

 

Congressman-elect George Santos’ recently exposed lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.  

 

I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts. 

 

I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they have felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted. 

 

Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer. And some of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things, seeing the dismissal as a rejection and taking it personally.

 

And all too often all these years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

And I hated it when I told “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying! 

 

How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated! 

 

I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.

 

I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — to me it looked as good as store-bought. 

 

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.” 

 

I was stupefied. And then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her. 

If our impressions are invalidated and discounted, we learn to discount ourselves as well. And we begin to reject ourselves. 

 

It’s Like Traveling Through the Looking Glass and Falling Down the Rabbit Hole 

Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”

I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own observations and senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”

When I was able to put words to it, I realized our conversations were often a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention. 

There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define. 

It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. 

 

The Cheshire Cat nailed it: “We’re all crazy here.” 

 

And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience  –  complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts. And gaslighting. 

“You’re imagining it!”

“You didn’t hear me say that.”

“You must have misunderstood.”

“No, that’s not what you saw!”

“It’s all in your head.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

 

So, What Exactly is Gaslighting?

When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.

 

 

The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane. 

 

Gaslighting has become a popular term as described by Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include:

"saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth"

 

Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on. 

 

Todays popular term “gaslighting” has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.

 

What If Someone Believes Their Own Lies? 

Does repeating a lie make it appear true?

And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy? 

And what if when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.

 

Permission to Act Badly

How do folks think they can get away with this this kind of blatant lying? The answer is we watch toxic behavior of others and we copy it. It’s like they are giving us permission to act that way. Lying is a good example. 

 

Over the years I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from our political leaders into our workplace and personal lives.

 

Catching the Disrespect Virus

Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, and deflections. 

 

And there seems to be an inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

 

I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. 

 

I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. 

 

I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. 

 

As if someone said it’s OK. And by their actions and words they did sort of give permission. 

 

Could it be that many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? 

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by our former president, the person who used to hold highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in Congress.   Ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.

 

For many of us seeing these behaviors brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. 

 

For many of us it brings up old feelings of rejection. 

 

And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

 

Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads, and Covid.

 

My workplace and psychotherapy clients are experiencing effects of this and to be honest, it's really getting to me too. 

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. 

 

It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out. 

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of politicians, this is isomorphism. 

 

And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Politics have become so full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations I finding myself checking things out regularly with the AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck

Or with Politifact.com at

https://www.politifact.com

 

Interestingly, R.D. Laing's article on Mystification begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

 

I really don't like being fooled.

 

Now in this New Year, I’m hoping to hear more sincerity, honesty truth, and the ability to say, ”I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”

 

More about R.D.Laing’s work:

R.D. Laing: Mystification, Confusion and Conflict

http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm

More on Lying: When Does Lying Become Compulsive or Pathological?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/deliberately-untruthful-normal-vs-abnormal-lying

 

Sending you Warm Wishes for a Happy New Year!

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Tip-toeing Through Thanksgiving

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I wrote my first Thanksgiving Survival blog November 2007. That year I described how the stressful times we live in contributed to acrimony at  the table.
 
The know-it-all uncle who always has to always be  right or the aunt who loves to tease and embarrass someone are again guests at the  table.

 

Over the years I would describe these kinds of unpleasant exchanges with right-on observations and  clever humor.

 

Things aren’t so funny anymore . . .

 

Back in 2017 I wrote:

“Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious –– especially in stressful times.

“Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

“How can you best stay calm when folks around 
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact, 
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.”

 

Oh, man. How naïve I was back then about the ravages of stress. Covid has produced even more unrelenting uncertainty, fears for personal safety and security, and for some of us, even a sense of alarm.

 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe – and here in California the smoky air from months of fires this last year didn’t help matters.

 

So grateful to have my room air purifier!

 

So here comes Thanksgiving again . . .

Thinking positive thoughts of gratitude could be a difficult thing to do while sitting at the dinner table with relatives who have much different ideas about masks or vaccinations or inflation or ballot recounts or immigration or social justice or protests or riots or guns and rifles or climate change or universal pre-K or women’s right to choose or voting rights or infrastructure or childcare or subpoenas and indictments or various trials.

 

So much intensity and bitterness and everybody seems to be ready to pick a fight, needing to be right – and to make everybody else ‘and wrong and bad.’

 

Are there any topics you feel safe talking about?

 

So let’s prepare ourselves in case there is discord at the table. Here are a few ideas and options I’ve offered over the last 15 years and maybe some new ones too.

 

Uncle George is at the table again. Lately he has been more blustery and obnoxious then ever before. In the past you’ve been embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to be heard above his rants and to make your point.

 

So how do you handle him this year?

- Remind yourself he tries to ‘bait’ you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’

 

• Imagine you are watching family members as characters in Theatre of the Absurd

It usually helps is to take a step back, reminding yourself that observing the drama of your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd.

 

Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes and dialogue sound surreal.

 

Maybe by creating a little distance you might even find them somewhat entertaining in their weirdness.

 

Using this observational perspective about the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to protect from hurt feelings and to not take things so personally.

 

• Stay aware of appropriate personal boundaries when the other person transgresses your emotional or physical boundaries.

From Breathing Room

“Having good 
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our 
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space 
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person 
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

 

You may want to set your own safety rules around hugs and kisses because of Covid, and its OK to say “I need you to respect my safety requests here.

 

• Try to be mindful of your thoughts, words and reactions and remind yourself you can make choices about how you respond.

You may have heard this from me before: walk alongside yourself, and mindfully notice your thoughts and feelings and reactions. (Mindful means ‘without judgment’!). 

 

Recognizing and ‘naming’ our thoughts and feelings helps to avoid getting swept up in the moment, slows down the intensity and helps you identify your options for responding.

 

If we can’t recognize it, if it’s a blindspot, we can’t make the choice to change it. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for seeing our options for how we respond. 

 

Just because we disagree with someone, doesn’t mean we have to argue or force our point of view.

 

Can you listen respectfully, without interrupting or arguing or rolling your eyes. If someone feels dissed by your words, tone or attitude, they might overreact and that’s when things get out of control.

 

And speaking of respect. Here’s a tip I have offered for decades in my workshops and to therapy and workplace consulting clients for dealing with toxic bosses or colleagues:

 

Since infancy we look into someone’s eyes hoping to find validation and respect. So we are quick to recognize it and respond positively (and quick to respond negatively if we feel rejected – disrespected or dismissed.

 

• Turning negative energy into a respectful, positive conversation

I suggest trying to employ the concept of reciprocity to encourage an exchange of positive, respectful energy between you and the other person.

 

Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the behavior of the other.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Can you find something to like or appreciate about the person you are talking with? This can be a real attribute you find likeable or it can be something more subtle like their smile, their choice of colors, their hair style, their laugh. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with something.

 

Then focus on that feature while you are interacting. They will see respect in your eyes and almost always respond the same to you!

 

• Strategize escape routes if things start getting off track

– Excuse yourself from the table and walk yourself into the bathroom for a few minutes, close the door and breath deeply.

– Walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water or to help out the host.

– Make a deal with yourself before the dinner that you will give yourself permission to leave early if you are feeling too stressed and upset. Plan out beforehand your excuse for leaving.

 

• And the best survival tactic is to not take things so personally – it’s probably not really about you!

Aunt Judy will be at the table this year too. You have always dreaded her unrelenting obnoxious comments that make you want to crawl under the table and disappear when she broadcasts stories about your childhood insecurities: “You always were too sensitive.”

 

Try being direct about her boundary transgressions: “Aunt Judy, in celebrating this time of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories about me.”

 

Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others..

 

Can you remind yourself that her snide comments to you are most likely reflections of her own insecurities that she is projecting onto you.

 

Can you remind yourself that it’s probably not about you can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in awkward and unsettling situations. Someone’s judgments, criticisms or accusations might only be their projection onto you of their own unacceptable and disowned parts of themselves.

 

These unacknowledged feelings can include
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, 
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency."

 

Keep reminding yourself these kinds of criticisms are really about the other person – not about you – so try not to take it personally!

 

• Remind yourself not get pulled in when the fisherman throws out bait by their teasing, accusations, mean-spiritedness, or cluelessness.

Can you choose not to be the fish that bites the bait?

 

In my 2015 Thanksgiving blog I wrote this quote from Master Yoda:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

 

Would you agree the meaning is so much more profound today?

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates this holiday . . . and wishing everyone a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation – wherever you reside in the world . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Gaslighting –– the Ultimate Alternate Reality

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / artursz

 

Misrepresented or untrue statements from both Conventions have been really difficult for me to hear. It feels like a punch to the gut and is totally crazy-making.

My stomach knots up as I remember my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. And trying to figure out if I really did hear or see something and being told ‘“You’re imagining it. it’s all in your head!”

Hearing days of lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy during this especially savage campaigning brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.

“You’re imagining it!”

“You didn’t hear me say that.”

“You must have misunderstood.”

“No, that’s not what you saw!”

‘It’s all in your head.”

“What are you, crazy?”

 

Everything Up is Down

Being in my family was like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. And definitely crazy-making.

I remember how members of my family seemed to speak gibberish, not making much sense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to understand their meaning.

And yet there seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.

Many years later when I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, nonsense reasoning, evasiveness and deflections. AND a total denial of my observations and perceptions.

Then there was the accompanying drama and chaos to distract from goings-on that really needed attention and clarification.

 

When I Was a Kid I Hated Being Lied To –– And I Hate It Now Too

I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I was especially sensitive to lying even as a young child. I was probably about 3 or 4  and remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know. But it wasn't easier for me.

I never quite forgave my father for lying to me. I think that was the first time I gave myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth. There were many such self-deprecating messages over the years.

 

"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."

For me, the most surreal, uncomfortable and confusing part of this whole election drama are the repeated denials of present and previous statements and actions.

Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.

It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was pulling the wool over my eyes. But I still watched Trust deteriorate.

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.

The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. This inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.' Especially when someone discounts your and makes you feel bad and wrong to have your own ideas about what really happened.

Laing's article begins: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

I don't like being fooled.

It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. It certainly brings up old feelings of rejection. And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

These days these behaviors are referred to as ‘gaslighting.’

Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.

Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots,

We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads.  And now they can blame each other about covid and protests.

In the January 2008 issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.”

I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.' More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html

And I wrote that almost 13 years ago!

Back when I wrote those words I didn't dream how much the viciousness of personal attacks would escalate.

It's really getting to me. Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

'These last weeks there are lots of rejecting behavior: Mocking. Belittling. Scoffing. Criticizing. Slighting. Insulting. Faulting. Deceiving. Accusing. Attacking.

Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising dozens of others.

The common denominator of these words is rejection. And the opposite of disrespect of course is respect and sadly it seems to be missing.

 

And Exploitation, Too

I was stunned to see newly naturalized citizens showcased by President Trump as he presided over a White House ceremony – I guess to show his pro-Immigrant sentiment. They apparently were not notified that the videos were going to be used during the RNC programming. Not very respectful, was it?

The folks invited to speak about their concerns regarding the city’s housing authority, but that they were never told the video would be part of the Convention. Not very respectful, was it?

I’ve been interviewed many times on tape and video and my experience is that usually releases are signed to set forth the terms and conditions in which the people in the video agree to participate.

I’m particularly sensitive to exploitation from my own life and all the years I have worked with exploited children and adults as a social worker and in private practice.

Hmmmm. This exposure without informed consent sure feels a lot like exploitation to me.

 

The Trickle-Down Effect

When I'm feeling affected by what the world is tossing at me, it helps to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' You may know the concept as 'Parallel Process.'

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other.

We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.

This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one

candidate trickle down to staff and electorate. From one context to another.

And it seems to be trickling down to some of us as well –– I’m noticing how I am becoming more snippy, snarky, impatient and short-tempered. You too?

There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I’ve been finding myself checking things out every day with Find AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck

And yes, it is validating many of my perceptions.

 

                            © Can Stock Photo / artursz

I spent a couple of hours reading about both the DNC and RNC conventions on various Fact Check sites, Seems to me the Associated Press site is one of the most neutral so I'm quoting from it . . .

According to AP Fact Checks:

“Joe Biden and fellow Democrats spun an assortment of facts to their benefit in their national convention, omitting inconvenient truths such as Barack Obama’s record of aggressive deportations and swift action by a Republican president to save the auto industry more than a decade ago.”

Another example: “Michelle Obama assailed President Donald Trump on Monday for ripping migrant children from their parents and throwing them into cages, picking up on a frequent and distorted point made widely by Democrats.

She’s right that Trump’s now-suspended policy at the U.S.-Mexico border separated thousands of children from their families in ways that had not been done before. But what she did not say is that the very same “cages” were built and used in her husband’s administration, for the same purpose of holding migrant kids temporarily.”

“Meantime President Donald Trump flooded the zone with falsehoods, some so apparent that anyone with access to the internet could see the folly of them at a glance”.

Some examples: “President Trump claimed accomplishments he didn’t earn on the pandemic, energy and veterans at a Republican convention finale that also heard Black Lives Matter baselessly accused of coordinating violent protests across the country.”

“Vice President Mike Pence and fellow Republicans pressed a distorted case Wednesday that President Donald Trump took over a moribund economy from Barack Obama and supercharged it. That’s not what happened.”

“Speakers at the Republican National Convention also hailed Trump for protecting the health insurance of people with preexisting illness, flipping reality on its head as his administration tries to overturn the law that guarantees those protections.”

“A St. Louis lawyer featured during the Republican National Convention falsely claimed that Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden and his party want to ‘abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning.’”

“Biden does not propose banishing single-family homes. Nor would he get rid of the suburbs. “

 

Curious? Here are the links:

AP FACT CHECK: What the Dems didn't say, and what Trump did

https://apnews.com/e86b701ff234ec507f8e4059547a680b

 

AP FACT CHECK: Michelle Obama and the kids in ‘cages’

https://apnews.com/2663c84832a13cdd7a8233becfc7a5f3

AP FACT CHECK: Is US great again or dystopian? GOP says both

https://apnews.com/eebf6a1f6ce79cfc00456f27e8e928f7AP FACT

 

AP FACT CHECK: Trump distorts record; BLM falsely accused

https://apnews.com/699e0c893bfbd986cea11b6f403beb3e

AP FACT CHECK: GOP taps distortions to heap praise on Trump

https://apnews.com/7c6c47ba0bef4fb26ca667e4ea15e131

AP FACT CHECK: Biden’s stance on suburbs twisted at RNC

https://apnews.com/c38a662b153d953ab9fefa9d13ac4784

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Would really like to hear from you about your experience with all of this.

Stay safe out there . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Making Someone Bad and Wrong

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri

 

 

Making someone “bad and wrong” is in the air. Seems like every day there is another personal attack – followed by an attack on the attacker.

 

When one or both feel they have to be right, there’s just not enough space for two opinions or ideas or beliefs.

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

 

Sometimes they even encourage others to choose sides. It becomes a proof of loyalty to them and they take it personally and feel betrayed when they think others are not being supportive.

 

Sometimes there is just no room for mistakes and even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of what a bad person he or she is.

 

Some folks seem to have a need to punish others for a missstep, like when a dog has an 'accident' and rubbing it's nose in it "to teach a lesson."

 

Then again, sometimes it emanates from just plain mean-spiritedness or being vindictive and retaliating.

 

Wrapped up in our need to make someone bad and wrong is often our inability to take responsibility and own shame. Some of us struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed (or shamed.) And we cannot tolerate those feelings in ourselves. This can lead to psychological projection (see below.)

 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

 

The Attack-Defend Dynamic

 

When a finger is pointed and someone feels criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. The Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and lashes out.

 

Sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing

Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning

 

These are all rejecting behaviors of course.

 

Have you, too, been feeling immersed in this kind of ‘bad and wrong’ finger-pointing behavior coming out of just about every corner of political activity?

 

And when the finger is pointed at us over and over again, we can all too easily inflate and perpetuate the idea that yes, we are indeed a bad person  – a self-image most likely originating in childhood.

Revisiting Childhood Messages

 

Good Kid/Bad Kid

Let’s take a look at the concept of “good” and “bad” within families. In some families one child appears to be designated as the “good” one, while another child is thought of as “bad.”

 

These good and bad roles often span several generations with designations being passed down.  

 

And what about those of us who learned to feel bad about ourselves each time we were sent to our room in shame, isolated from our family?

 

"You don't deserve to sit with us at the dinner table! Go to your room." No surprise that we go so easily to a ‘shame’ place now.

 

Others of us somehow learned along the way we are ceding power if we allow space for another person to be right or to make a point. So by puffing ourselves up to feel powerful we diminish others.

 

Or maybe we just like the excitement of an argument. Some families actually feel more connected through argument and raised voices.

 

The dynamic of making someone Bad and Wrong is a frequent focus in my sessions with couples and families and in workplace mediation.

 

I often ask: “Do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to be right?

Let’s talk about other ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.

 

Some of us puff ourselves up which looks like bullying behavior. To not feel so inadequate, we inflate ourselves by diminishing others.

Sometimes perceived slights morph into perceived enemies when we become suspicious of others' intentions.

 

Sometimes we become vindictive or vengeful. Sometimes we rant or throw a tantrum or lash out.

 

Sometimes we flail out in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves.

 

Sometimes we accuse others of the same behaviors we have done ourselves. This is psychological projection.

 

If you have followed these blogs for 10 or15 years you may be aware how often I highlight projection in connection with blaming and taking things personally.

 

 

Psychological Projection Explains a Lot About  “Bad and Wrong”

 

Projection is when we unconsciously attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.

 

When we find ourselves with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to try to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings.

 

A common way we protect ourselves is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others. Especially to those who disagree with us. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients and so are those who are on the other side of the political aisle.

 

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

 

• It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:

"This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves. What might they be saying?“

 

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be?

 

Can you create some distance by reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting?

 

By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options. And you can 'make a choice to make a change' in your reactions.

 

Think about it this way: you cannot really change a behavior if you cannot see it. So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can choose to return to a fork in the road and to move forward along a new path.

Yes, you can 'make a choice to make a change.'

 

 

 

More on psychological projection and 'a wise way to handle hurtful gnarly people'

 

I bet you have ideas and challenges to add here. Would love to hear from you . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Gangsta-Speak From the White House

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                            © Can Stock Photo / Guingm

"Get rid of her"
"Take her out"

President Trump’s words were captured on tape demanding the removal of Ukraine Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.

"Get rid of her! Get her out tomorrow. I don't care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. OK? Do it."

"Get rid of her"
"Take her out"

Sure sounds to me like when gangsters order a 'hit.'

In a phone conversation, President Trump told President Zelensky that Ambassador Yovanovitch was “bad news” and was "going to go through some things."

Then, by a call from the director general of the State Department's foreign service, the ambassador was suddenly recalled to Washington:

"This is about your security. You need to come home immediately. You need to come home on the next plane.”

It seems to me this sounds strikingly familiar to President Trump’s recent gangster-speak tweet :

“Shifty Adam Schiff is a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man. He has not paid the price, yet, for what he has done to our Country.”

Could “not paid the price yet” be considered a threat to security in the same way as "going to go through some things” turned out to be?

The pattern seems to be the President's way of lashing out and threatening personal security when he feels personally attacked or betrayed.

 

Scary Talk Brings Up Scary Memories

The sound of these words makes me cringe. These sinister comments bring up a memory for me that I try to keep hidden away.

Maybe my experience is why I'm super sensitive to mob-talk about killing someone.

Once I heard a similar directive given, and it was very scary. I can never forget that day.

I was sitting with someone I know well and overheard him using these kinds of words in a phone call.
As we were chatting his phone rang. "I'm sorry, I have to take this call — it's business” he apologized.

He listened intently and asked a few questions. Then his tone grew steely: "Well — off him!"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So in my naive, rationalizing and protective universe I convinced myself he must have been joking around.

Only later did I connect the dots: Oh, I get it. This is Mob talk! "Off him"  =  "Take him out."
And more dots: His business happened to be gambling.

OMG. I had just witnessed an order to kill someone. It was chilling!

I guess I pushed this memory into the recesses of my mind because I honestly was not able to deal with such a frightening thought.

Once in a while something will remind me, and I try to push it away again.

Yesterday I came face to face with the memory when I heard the recording of our president's directive to remove Ambassador Yovanovitch:

"Get rid of her"
"Take her out."

I couldn’t escape it this time. These gangster-laced words brought all the yucky feelings of that day back to me.
The day I overheard someone order a murder.
The day I was filled with fear.
The day I needed a hot shower to wash away how befouled I felt.

Writing about this helps a little. Thanks for listening . . .

Until next month,
Elayne

 

The contents of the tape regarding Ambassador Yovanovitch were first reported by ABC.

You can listen to the entire tape here. The dialogue I described above starts at the 39 minute mark.

By the way, President Trump’s tweet describing Adam Schiff as “a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man“ could be considered an very good example of the psychological projection that he so often displays
I often blog about projection. Here is a description:
– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.

Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Taking a Cue From UNO: No Politics Allowed!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

This year the UNO card deck changes colors to orange and purple, clearly stating:

“No red or blue cards means no taking sides!”

The pack is stamped “NONPARTISAN” hoping to reduce stress at family gatherings caused by political fighting. And just in case a cantankerous relative tries to start a political conversation the pack includes a 'VETO' card!

 

Every few years I blog about how to avoid hurt feelings on Thanksgiving. I used to use some humor, describing how family gatherings can seem like we are watching Theatre of the Absurd. I’ve had a good time poking fun at the Cast of Characters at the table.

 

Trouble is, I don’t find much humor these days in how people treat each other. Family gatherings are becoming more and more like a microcosm of our tension-laden, disrespectful and scary world: dismissiveness, arguments, hurt feelings, personal attacks, threats and sometimes even violence.

 

It’s frightening and makes me feel very vulnerable.

 

I’m hoping this year we can take a cue from UNO and stay away from political fighting at our family gatherings. Actually I’m writing this Thanksgiving blog with a plea: please make sure you feel safe in the presence of others. Please be careful about biting any political discussion bait that someone may throw out to you and about unwittingly baiting a relative with your own political observations.

 

Someone could get hurt. It used to be mostly hurt feelings but lately it seems like too often physical harm happens too.

 

Does it seem to you that this year stress is higher than in the past. Reports of interactions between world leaders and elected officials describe out-of-control anger, raging, lashing out, bullying, dismissiveness, contempt, ridicule, mockery, derision, and taunting. And this year there have been accusations of bribery, extortion, and even threats of ‘insurance policies.’ Am I the only one who thinks that could mean blackmail?

 

I’d like to see elected officials model some amount of respectful and ethical behavior instead of disrespect and deception.

 

I find this behavior especially scary because it gives permission to the rest of us to act badly.

 

Politicized and Polarized

 

Family dynamics often replicate global attitudes and actions. too often they can bring up fear. And fear often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. And we feel especially vulnerable to the scariness ‘out there.’

 

Defending against this fear can make us more polarized than ever. It becomes Us vs. Them. Good vs. Bad. Seems like too many people have a strong need to make everyone else ‘Bad’ and ‘Wrong.’

Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Distrust permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. In any relationship, Trust is pretty important and it seems to be disintegrating.

 

Will this have an effect on our Thanksgiving gatherings?


Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

 

The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one. 

Uncle John is a great example of obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had an extra drink or two. That’s when his political rants are not just annoying. In his determination to be right at any cost, his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful.

 

And he loves to bait other guests into arguing with him. He pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed as you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

 

So how do you handle him?

- Keep reminding yourself he’s baiting you and you have a choice not to bite.

– It helps to have a rehearsed response in case you get flustered. Be direct. Something like: "Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you."

 

Pass the Rejection, Please



 

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were a little kid. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You just want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she loves getting a charge out of you, not showing reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


– Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are usually feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

– Try being direct with her: “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, I would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.”



– Instead of imagining crawling under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walking into the bathroom and closing the door and regaining your composure.


 

Watching the Cast of Characters in Theatre of the Absurd



 

This is where it helps to imagine stepping back as if you are watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes seem surreal. Actually by imagining yourself as the audience observing the weirdness of this cast of characters you can create a safe space for yourself in the midst of all the crazy-making goings-on.

Employing this perspective can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally. And hopefully to not get so angry or over-reactive to their stupid comments.


 

Opt-In to Time-Outs 



 

Here are some good ways to try to take care of yourself:

– Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a needed ‘Time Out.’

– Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you probably felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

– One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

– In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

– At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely not about you. It’s a good guess that other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.

 

Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

– By the way, if you really need to check your calls on your device, some relatives might feel offended, so walking into the bathroom to check you can avoid ruffling feathers.

– Here is a strategy that works really well: Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.


 

Planning a Quick Get-Away

 

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more planning.

 

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.


 

It’s Not About You!

 

It’s worth a trip to the bathroom to clear your mind and make the space to remind yourself it’s probably not about you.

 

It helps to ask yourself:

Am I taking this personally? How?

Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”? **

** (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

This can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting and hurtful environments. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


 

Do you have a story or two to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them? 

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the 
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com


 

Note: Parts of this blog are borrowed from previous Thanksgiving blogs I’ve written over the years and from Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

About the new UNO cards

Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword

 

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Art of Dealing Out Distractions, Deflections, Evasions, Blaming and Shaming

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It’s been intriguing to watch the steady stream of creative distractions coming out of the White House – mostly in tweet flurries seeming to increase in frequency just before news breaks that is embarrassing or damaging to the President. 

Luckily when a big story is about to break the usual policy that the reporter contacts people involved asking if they want to respond so it can be included in the piece.

With this early heads-up there is time to formulate an “official statement” or even to orchestrate a controversy that can serve as a distraction from any problematic news.

Distraction is the art of skillfully shifting a topic from one of greater importance to one of relative unimportance.

The List of Distractions is Endless

Common distractions are deflections, denials, evasions and postponements. Shaming and Blaming, too, are powerful forms of distractions, often the attempt to delegitimize any source of information not supporting our own ideas or interests. Such people and groups become “losers” and “has-beens” and “failures.”

The President's high drama tweeting flurries have been remarkably successful at diverting attention away from the problematic news item.

And his fondness for accusing and blaming and shaming becomes an added distraction.
Examples are the rash of firings and resignings and international threats.

We've been seeing frequent mentions lately wondering if the White House is like "the tail wagging the dog." It's referencing, of course, the 1997 movie Wag the Dog - when the  a publicist and Hollywood producer work with the White House to fabricate a war to distract from a presidential sex scandal.

According to Merriam-Webster, 'Tail Wagging the Dog' is a phrase "used to describe a situation in which an important or powerful person, organization, etc., is being controlled by someone or something that is much less important or powerful." It seems that when a dog wags it's tail, it's body then follows. Does the dog wag it's tail or does the tail wag the dog?

 

I’ve blogged many times about distractions and blamings and shamings in the White House. It seems to be happening more frequently, so let’s take an in-depth look.

Where Do We Learn the Fine Art of Distraction?

So where does a person learn to be so skilled at distracting? From my decades as a family therapist I’ve observed how we learn to take on certain “job descriptions”and play certain roles in our families.

My colleagues in the helping professions sometimes tease that we learned the role of ‘helper’ when we took on the job of ‘go-between’ and ‘caretaker’ in our families.

From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:

“You may have discovered different ways to maneuver through some difficult times. Did you learn to play a specific caretaking role, such as the mediator, the placater, the scapegoat, the go-between, or the joker? These roles were important to the functioning of your family, and you had a job to do — fill that role. This provided you with an identity—you were needed. In fact, you may continue to see yourself this way, repeating the same function in your adult relationships.”

Breathing Room describes how one woman took on the a childhood job of “space filler” in her family....she realized “there were spaces that needed filling in her family and her parents weren’t capable.”

“…Maybe a parent wasn’t fully functioning. Perhaps a parent inappropriately treated you as a confidante, or looked to you for emotional support or for help with a younger sibling. Some of us figured out that, in order for our families to function better, someone had to fill up that empty space. And you may have been that someone.”

Our childhood roles are hard to give up.

Unfortunately these survival roles don’t always function so well in our adult relationships. Under stress they continue to be our go-to position.

These two stories from Don’t Take It Personally! show how children decide to take charge when it felt the adults were out of control or weren’t doing their job.

Janie remembers being six years old, and her parents were screaming at each other. “I’d jump on the coffee table, pull myself to my full three-foot height, and read at the top of my lungs from my favorite book. I called it the ‘Happy Family’ book.”

She’s been intervening in fights ever since with coworkers and friends, but “at least,” she says, “I didn’t hop up on the desk and recite the ‘Happy Family’ to them!”

When Nick was a little boy he, too, figured out a way to handle his parents’ fights. Although he could barely read, he would grab the Yellow Pages and start to phone divorce attorneys until his parents stopped yelling at each other.

Virginia Satir’s Ideas on Family Roles and Communication Stances

When I was a family therapy graduate student I became entranced with Family Therapist Virginia Satir’s ideas on family roles and communication stances in response to stressful situations.

Andrew Fogg describes how Satir's developed "Survival Stances" to demonstrate how people cope with problems and to protect their self-worth against verbal and nonverbal, perceived and presumed threats.

The four survival stances are Placator, Blamer, Computer (being super-reasonable,) and Distractor (Being Irrelevant .)

She also added a 5th stance, “Leveler” which functions to keep balance in the family by resolving conflicts.

The five Satir Stress Responses are:

1 Blaming
2 Placating
3 Computing (Super-reasonable)
4 Distracting (Irrelevant)
5 Leveling

http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm

Let’s focus here on the Distracting (Irrelevance) and the Blaming behaviors that emanate so often from the White House these days.

 

https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles

 The Distractor: Whatever the Distractor does or says is irrelevant to what anyone else is saying or doing.

• When you play the distracting role, it will help if you think of yourself as a kind of lopsided top, constantly spinning, but never knowing where you are going, and not realizing it until you get there.
• Make sure that you are never on the point with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; maybe come back with one of your own on a different subject. Take a piece of imaginary lint off someone's garment, untie shoelaces, and so on.
• At first this role seems like a relief, but after a few minutes of play, the terrible loneliness and purposefulness arise.
• If you can keep yourself moving fast enough, you won't notice it so much.

Blaming is a powerful form of distraction.

Sometimes people point their finger at others and accuse them of behavior or actions that they are guilty of themselves.They may be projecting their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or fears onto  the other person.

  https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles

 The blamer is a fault-finder, a dictator, a boss. If you are a blamer, you act superior and seem to be saying: "If it weren't for you, everything would be all right.

• "Good blaming requires you to be as loud as tyrannical as you can. Cut everything and everyone down.
• Start your sentences with "You never do this or you always do that or why do you always or why do you never . . . ?" and so on.
• Think of yourself standing with one hand on your hip and the other arm extended with your index finger pointed straight out. Your face is screwed up, your lips curled, your nostrils flared as you yell, call names, and criticize everything under the sun. You don't really feel you are worth anything, either.
• So if you can get someone to obey you, then you feel you count for something

For more descriptions on Satir’s Stances:

http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm

 

Satir also identified body positions to illustrate each of the stances.

Virginia Satir’s Five Body Language Positions

These are body language positions that convey the emotions of Virginia Satir's Stress Responders and are particularly useful for understanding people who are speaking.

Care to venture any guesses about Donald Trump’s growing up experiences? Do you think Distractor and Blamer might have been his ‘job descriptions in his family?

And what about your own role in your family? What might it have been?
Does it influence your relationship or workplace roles now?

Would love to hear from you if you have a story.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Earlier blogs –

On Distractions:

Personal and Repugnant Politicking
Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Overly Sensitive? Thin Skin? Tips for Protecting Yourself
Deflections, Distractions, Denial and Postponements

On Projections:
Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

On Blaming:
Having ‘Thin Skin’ – Brooding, Blaming, Fuming, Lashing Out

On Shaming:
A Big Dose of Public Shame and Humiliation

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

A Wise Way to Handle Hurtful, Gnarly People

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I blogged about how hurtful and confusing inappropriate personal boundaries can be. You're probably aware how boundary blurring and transgressions can contaminate our relationships.

In that blog I described another form of boundary confusion: when someone projects their own feelings, thoughts, vulnerabilities or fears onto others.

The thing about psychological projection is how we to‘see’ traits or behaviors in others that remind us of ourselves. In fact, we tend to really dislike something about someone that we can’t stand about ourselves. And it’s more than an irritant – sometimes we find ourselves accusing the other person of these behaviors.

I remember years ago, how irritated I’d get with a coworker’s whiney tone of voice whenever she asked a favor. What a shock the day I realized this was the identical tone I disliked about myself,

When we are able to differentiate between ourselves and others, we can identify and respect personal boundaries. This paves the way for showing respect for the other person and in the process, respecting ourselves as well.

Both respect and disrespect are reciprocal. When someone sees respect instead of judgment in our eyes, they most likely will respond ‘right back atcha’ with respect.

Judgments Take Up Energy

I suggest to audiences and workplace and therapy clients that when we feel disappointed and discouraged by others we tend to start judging them or judging ourselves.

It helps to remind ourselves that people have limitations they may not even be aware of. The reason for this reminder is not to excuse their behavior, but to try to understand it enough that we don’t upset ourselves even more by taking their words or actions so personally and feel rejected.

I’m grateful to blog subscriber, Alannah Tomich, for her thoughts on these kinds of limitations and for sending me these views written by Ram Dass:

"When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight,  and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever.

And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn't get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don't get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.



The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying 'You are too this, or I'm too this.' That judgment mind comes in.

And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are."  – Ram Dass 

                                                 

I appreciate having access to these very visual images, keeping these ideas tucked away as a reminder we do have choices in dealing with difficult friends, teachers, lovers, family members, peers or colleagues.

I would add that trees bend this way and that as a way of protecting themselves from the elements. In the same way many of us humans have learned defenses and protections in our early years.

Maybe we, too didn’t get enough light. Or maybe we had to contort ourselves to be what others needed us to be.

Maybe these early protective stances helped us survive hurtful, scary or even dangerous situations. Perhaps now they have lost their usefulness and may instead interfere with our present relationships.

I recently shared this with my keynote audience at California State University, Northridge and the response was incredibly heartwarming. I sure wish someone had revealed this wisdom to me when I was a young adult. It would have colored many of my interactions differently.

I desperately needed some guidance on handling hurt feelings from rejection so I wrote Don’t Take It Personally! the Art of Dealing with Rejection over 20 years ago because no book existed.

Wow! What a thought: to "practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are."

I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts on Ram Dass’ ideas on humans and trees, judgment, acceptance and self-acceptance.

You can email me at [email protected] or post on the blog site in the comments section at the end of the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are Your Holiday Gatherings Theatre of the Absurd?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious, especially in stressful times.

Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

So here comes Thanksgiving 2017. How can you best stay calm when folks around
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact,
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in knock-down-drag out
battles and hurt feelings?

What works best for me is imagining I’m in the audience watching a Beckett
or Pirandello play – Theatre of the Absurd! These scenes are so surreal, by creating
some distance I find them entertaining in their weirdness.

This helps me keep my humor and a sense
of objectivity and I don’t take things so personally.

Some tips for getting through the Holidays:

•  Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
 using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
 one. It's almost comical.

    - Why not appreciate the humor in the situation, and try to laugh it off.
    - Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom—in control-self. Why would she
      change for the Holidays?”

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Uncle George is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to try to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.’”

Uncle George’s behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Judy’s unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. When she
sees your discomfort she goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she says in a loud whisper.You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

    - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
      slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
      situation.

    - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Judy when she shows even
      the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
      Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Judy’s behavior is a fine example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. Now he's making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

    - Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when you were
      small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

    - Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take it. You
      can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
      while you regain your composure.

    - Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
      effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a another good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

- Excuse yourself at the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be right back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate
about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, reciprocally he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking Time-Outs.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This "time-out" lets you be independent
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: Don’t Take It Personally! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you. People
project their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these
are blind spots and they're not aware of doing it. But it sure feels yuckyl

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Judy.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and sneers,
"You always were too sensitive," remind yourself that she's most likely talking
about her own feelings of being overly sensitive.

In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Judy
always took things so personally!"

This Feeling is Too Hot to Handle

More about projection: Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle.
Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself."

It's like moving your "stuff" into someone else's storage space --
for safekeeping.

Projection is a way of dealing with unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency.

If you want to read more about projection and personal boundaries, the
right side of my blog site has an archive by topic:
www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are usually not really about you. ‘


And here’s some good news: In a recent Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll nearly one-third of all adults will actively avoid political conversations when they see frie nds and family over the Thanksgiving and December holidays….About half said they do not expect to discuss politics at all!
Here is the PDF download of poll results and t he survey questionnaire: http://tmsnrt.rs/2zHx6Pd

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity to tell people we that appreciate them.
For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy, so sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason to express our gratitude.

© Elayne Savage, PhD


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

The Back Story:

For months I’ve had a this recurring visual image prancing around my head – Donald Trump standing in his crib in diapers, smearing the walls with poop, making a big mess.

So I asked Barbara Dale, one of my favorite cartoonists, to illustrate my visual idea for this blog. It has been lots of fun collaborating with her . . .

 

I

llustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.

Poop smearing is great fun for toddlers but hugely exasperating for parents cleaning up the mess. Think of the supplies of Lysol, Clorox Wipes and Mr. Clean Erasers they have to stock up on.

To the parents this behavior represents disarray, chaos, impulsiveness, unruliness and willfulness and, yes, parents tend to take it personally.

Child development experts advise poop smearing is pretty normal and may be a way of expressing feelings of frustration and anger and counteracting helplessness and powerlessness. And for sure it gets attention when the parents freak out.

On the positive side this fascination with poop might indicate a readiness for potty training and thankfully by the age of 3 or 4 they outgrow the need to smear.

 

Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction

Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.

Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.

Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”

Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.

Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.

Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control-non-stop lying.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying

Fraiberg also makes the point that the child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. 

 

Residing in the Center of Your Universe

 As adults we may also find ourselves in the center of our universe, especially when we are taking something personally –– seeing ourselves as the target of slights or personal attacks.

For some, residing in the center of their universe can involve entitlement, specialness, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, a craving for attention and adoration, the inability to empathize, and having a bloated sense of self-worth. Are you recognizing all this as traits being written lately describing narcissism?

Trouble is, for many, being in the center of the universe usually includes having a false sense of self-worth. In fact, they have a need to puff themselves up because under all the self-hype they’re really feeling full of self-doubt and self-rejection with a tendency toward self-destructing by repeated self-sabotage.

When self-esteem is this low it is too humiliating and shameful to admit we made a mistake or were wrong. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions we tend to smear the bad feelings around by blaming others or by projecting our dark thoughts, vulnerabilities and fears onto others.

(Most recently I wrote about psychological projection last month in 'Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection': "Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.")

Because blaming ourselves is an easy self-rejecting place to go to, it becomes difficult or impossible to take responsibility for our actions.

I’m always reminding my coaching and psychotherapy clients: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself."

 

Saboteurs and Provocateurs

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior and mostly happens when self-doubt creeps in.

The definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper, hurt or undermine a cause.'

History offers this intriguing image of how the word came to be:

You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. During the Industrial Revolution discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it.

The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling.’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.

Just maybe, under all the President’s self-aggrandizement, grandiosity, self-importance and boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and ashamed. Maybe he can’t keep from reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught! Could it be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.

Saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the shit around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?

These behaviors easily promote chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. And by the way this is probably exactly how parents feel each time they walk into their toddler’s room and find the walls smeared with feces.

 

Self-Respect Instead of Self-Reject

Wouldn't it be great if we could become our own best supporter instead of our worst saboteur? Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose not to make messes, and avoid stepping in them?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could give ourselves some self-respect instead of self-reject?

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to have self-respect as a model of behavior from our leader?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Have you noticed how recent news accounts are jam-packed with references to taking things personally?

"Name-calling”


“Personal attacks”


“Slights”   

"Unfairness“

"Insults”


“Put"-downs”

“Affronts”


“Slurs”


“Cheap shots”


“Accusations"


“Getting personal“

Even media pundits are scratching their heads trying to figure out why there is so much intensity, combativeness and over-reactions in this election cycle.

With my 25 years experience as the go-to person on rejection and taking things personally, I often see things through the prism of hurt feelings. Hopefully I can help put some of these finger-pointing behaviors and overreactions into perspective.

The above list of perceived slights described by the media are descriptions straight out of my books, articles and workshops.

I hear these words every day from clients who are about to lose their jobs because they tend to take things personally – and overreact with angry, erratic outbursts, mean-spirited behavior and even retaliation.

Employers call me in when productivity is affected by all the time and energy spent dwelling on perceived slights on what someone said or did or neglected to say or do.

Taking things personally is a major motivator in couple’s counseling as well – when hurt feelings and misunderstandings lead to expanding resentment – leaving very little space for connection.  

For sure, perceived rejection and taking things personally cause problems in both work and personal relationships . . . and as we see from the news, certainly in political campaigning!

Feeling Like the Bulls-eye on a Dart Board

Taking things personally includes taking the actions of others as a personal affront; believing there is intent to hurt us even when there is not; getting upset when other people don't see things our way; believing others are taking sides for or against us; feeling blamed or blaming ourselves; feeling slighted, or wronged or attacked.  

One of my favorite bumper stickers is:


If you think about it, the times we are most prone to taking something personally are the times we are feeling attacked by someone’s rejecting comments, looks or actions. It’s as if we are in the center of our universe. Much like the bulls-eye on a dart board – we feel like a target.

Most of us have moments here and there of living in the center of our universe. These are usually times we feel hurt or blamed or victimized in some way.

Some folks, however, too often find themselves in the center of their universe, usually involving a need for attention or are feeling hurt or singled out. Sometimes it is because they feel entitled to special treatment for some reason.

The Diss List

Taking things personally is usually related to feeling rejected and disrespected in some way. Dissing takes lots of forms. I put together a  “Diss List”.


Some of us are more sensitive to slights than others, and perceived slights just don’t roll off our backs easily.

Sometimes we can recognize how we react or overreact to these hurtful feelings. And we see how we fret about these injustices. Maybe we even fantasize about retaliating and sometimes we do.

I know how much energy it takes to take things so personally. I’ve been overly-sensitive most of my life.

When I was a child if someone looked at me ‘funny’ I’d get my feelings hurt and burst into tears. Seems like I was usually feeling rejected . . . or expecting to be rejected. I sure could have used a book on how not to take things so personally but  it did not exist. So I decided to write Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection.’  And I certainly had a large stash of personal stories to add to the narrative!

“I’m Rubber, You’re Glue . . .”

One of the most important life lessons I’ve ever learned is reminding myself when someone says or does something it is probably more about the other person than about me. It’s all too easy for people to accuse others of their own inadequacies.

As a child did you ever chant “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you throw at me sticks right back on you!

And what about that all-time favorite “Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.”  

Sure wish back then I knew how important those lines were. Might have saved me lots of hurt feelings and heartache from taking things so personally.

What a lifesaver when I discovered that such a thing as projection exists, and that seemingly hurtful accusations may not really be about me!

Finger-pointing – “Right Back Atcha”

Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.

When you find yourself with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common protection is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others.

When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. We might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. And so are political opponents.

Because projection is so prevalent along the campaign trail, I’ve blogged about it the last few presidential election cycles. Mostly political projection comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other.

You know the litany: accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, bigotry and racism. Accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis, who is most beholden to the banking industry, who is withholding email or tax information, and who has the most unrealistic immigration ideas. In my memory, this election cycle is a first for accusations about who is the most physically and emotionally impaired!

And of course there are accusations about the accusations, bringing on defensive and often vile  retaliations.  Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? And the media  feeds on it, having a field day!

Many of my clients are telling me how upset they are by the mass of insinuations and projections in this election.. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives.

Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself.

It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

Do you recall the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing? When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right

It helps to put things in perspective if you can repeat this to yourself:

"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

We let it get to us when a situation in the present reminds us of something from the past. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something) and before we know it, we get triggered and overreact.

The trick is to try to gain some distance from the sting of the dart. and try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now,’ and to repeat and repeat: “This is not about me!’”

More on taking things personally and psychological projection:

Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
http://www.bit.ly/2bE2jTH

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?
http://www.bit.ly/1GH3ZDB

Until next month,   

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Thanksgiving Tips - Handling Your Asinine Uncle (and Other Turkeys)

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for thoughts of gratitude and appreciation.

Yet, for some of us, Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of the Season of Stress.    

This year maybe more so, with world-wide terrorist attacks creating a sense of vulnerability.     

And our fear seems to make us more polarized than ever. Will this increased polarization have an effect on Thanksgiving gatherings?

 Politicized, Immobilized and Polarized

World-wide safety concerns are important to acknowledge. And when we’re being inundated with fear it often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. We feel afraid and vulnerable.

Where is the line between being realistic about the present world situation and excessively fueling fears?

It seems to me that much of the fueling and polarization comes from the media, politicians and presidential candidates issuing inflamed warnings and spreading fear in response to the recent terrorist attacks.

I just refreshed my understanding of various meanings of word ‘terror.’ One definition is: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country,

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. I know this is caused by the release of stress hormones, and I’m also aware that adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine can cause increased anxiety and depression.

What a vicious cycle we bring upon ourselves!

 

As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

(See the links below for more on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol.)

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

Family gatherings are often a replication of what goes on in the larger context of the world – especially in politics. The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one.

Uncle John is a great example of exhibiting obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had too much to drink. That’s when his baiting and political rants are rampant. In his need to be right at any cost his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful too.

And he pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

So how do you handle him?

- Remind yourself he’s baiting you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’”

Pass the Rejection, Please

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were little. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the
charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she likes to get a charge out of you, maybe trying not to show reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


- Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

–  Being direct with her about, “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.

- Instead of wanting to crawl under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walk into the bathroom and close the door while you regain your composure.

Watching the Cast of Characters in an Absurdist Play

Sometimes it helps to take a step back and remind yourself that watching your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes are surreal and maybe by creating little distance you can even find them entertaining in their weirdness.

Employing this perspective around the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally.

Opt-In to Time-Outs

Here are some effective ways to take care of yourself:

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to 
help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a ‘Time Out.’

- Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

- One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

    In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

    At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely about them and not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she 
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Planning a Quick Get-Away

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more strategizing.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.

It’s Not About You!

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.

Other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

Reminding yourself that it’s usually not about you, can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of  disconcerting environments.
You might say the take away here is: Don’t Take It Personally!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


More on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol:

Bombarded by Fear and Anxiety - How to Cope

Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear

Building Resilience/Managing Terror

Do you have a story to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them?

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Donald Trump Leads the Way in Disrespecting Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The 2016 presidential hopefuls are providing bountiful opportunities for exploring personal boundaries –– AND the lack of them.

Donald Trump is leading the pack – providing us with one terrific example after another of inappropriateness.

If one of these candidates should become President, imagine how this disrespectful, out of bounds behavior would effect  our culture and policies at local and national levels.

What a huge impact on global diplomacy this character flaw could have. How would the President of the United States be perceived by heads of state and the world?

I can’t help but think his kind of rude and in-your-face behavior seems so, well . . . un-presidential. What are your thoughts?

Personal Boundaries 101

Personal boundaries are about space: physical, mental and emotional.

Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings and ideas with those of someone else.

Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, needs, feelings thoughts, ideas and values. . . and not feeling threatened by them.

 

The following list of personal boundaries is based on writings of authors John and Linda Friel:

Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone uses your stuff without asking or when someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.

Intellectual boundaries mean respect for ideas or thoughts for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”

Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.

Money boundaries involve how we earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. These boundaries are violated when someone makes judgments about how much money you have or don’t have and whether this makes you a good person. Bragging about money and spending is a transgression of these boundaries.

Social boundaries means a respect for our choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes who you choose to be with or where you choose to go.

Time boundaries means having respect for your own and others’ ways of getting things done. Some of us operate on time for meetings or completing projects. Others meet our deadlines, but “under the wire,”

Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

I would add to this list:
Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.

Boundary Confusion Abounds

The 2016 campaign provides a profusion of examples of personal boundary confusion:

Some folks see things as black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. They have a tendency to make other people bad and wrong. This is a common form of boundary confusion.

Some view others as extensions of themselves. They assume other people think the same, have the same feelings, or play by the same rules, In other words, they are unable to appreciate others as separate, This can lead to inappropriate, intrusive and controlling behavior. This, too, is a common form of boundary confusion.

Folks who have a high need for appreciation, often push the limits of boundaries in order to get the praise and attention they crave. To call attention to themselves, some may even appear to push another person into over-reacting. You may recognize this as bullying behavior.

The 2016 candidates seem to be struggling with maintaining solid boundaries tossing  away their own personas, integrity and ideals as they mimic Donald Trump’s behaviors. If outrageousness works so well for him, why not try to outdo him? After all, he’s getting lots of media attention –– why not spread it around a little?

In our early years many developed a facade because we believed we were expected to think or behave in a certain way. So we ended up losing our true self.

I watch the candidates one by one seem to lose their ideals and develop a manufactured sense of what they stand for. So sad. I find myself wanting to see the ‘real’ candidates and hear about their real thoughts, feelings and ideas.

A consultation client offers this description of the ‘false front’ he developed as a child. “I couldn’t be myself in my family, and now as an adult I hardly know what’s underneath anymore.”

That's Entertainment

 Donald Trump excuses his derogatory comment about Carly Fiorina’s looks was merely “entertainment.” What a fine example of personal boundary crossing by this candidate for president of the United States. He confuses an attempt to be funny at someone else’s expense with his reality TV persona. There was no need to appear ‘presidential’ on TV . . . only a need to be “entertaining.”

How is ‘being entertaining” is supposed to look presidential?

Donald Trump crossing the line of propriety and exhibited role confusion as well  –– confusing ‘presidential candidate’ with ‘reality TV entertainer.’

And what about the name-calling: “loser,” “bimbo”and “idiot.” What about publicly giving out another candidate’s private mobile phone number? Wow. What an incredible example of inappropriate boundary crossing! Can we expect more of this if he is elected president?

Whatever happened to the idea of candidates showing respect for each other?

What if Mr. Trump is not just pretending that he does not understand the importance of respect. What if he makes a ‘joke’ like this about a diplomat or head of state? Would there be international consequences or would it be considered merely “entertaining?”

Maybe someone will convince him to sign up for a Social Skills Class.

Blind Spots and Projection –– Spreading the Garbage Around

You may be aware Projection is often one of the most confusing boundary difficulties in both business and personal relationships  . . .  and as we are seeing, in politics.
 
Projection happens when we cannot acknowledge certain unacceptable aspects of ourselves, and we mistakenly imagine that thought or feeling exists in the other person. Because these parts make us uncomfortable they stay hidden from us  –– what Carl Jung called the shadow—the dark part, the part we wish wasn’t there.

When these undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we often get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from this anxiety. It is a way of dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

Projection means disowning, rejecting unacceptable traits in ourselves and perceiving these same traits in another person or group. In other words, accusing them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

We see examples of projection in politics: blaming the other party for the actions (or lack of actions) of our own party. Accusing another candidate or elected official of proposing legislation that the accuser supported years ago.

Some scratching below the surface might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

A coaching  client sums it up pretty well, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

I'm not intending to make a political statement here, just wanting to call attention to some human nature. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout many primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in several previous blogs.

(See link below for past pieces on psychological projection.)

 

Yes and No

Learning to say “yes” and “no” defines who you are in the moment — and what you stand for. In fact, these words are great boundary setters.

The trouble is many of us did not have very good modeling of boundaries in childhood. We had no idea how to define what we stood for or what we needed. In fact, in many families, defining things was discouraged, or even forbidden. Instead, things had to be vague, cloudy, amorphous. Family members played guessing games with each other because being specific was simply not okay. And what could be more specific then learning to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly?

Too often we learned to say “yes” when we really meant “no” and we learned to say “no” when we wanted to say “yes.”

One of the best ways to set clear boundaries is to learn to clearly say “yes” and “no.” It seems to me that when someone asks you to do something, you can answer in one of four ways:

With some practice, you will soon be able to learn to assess a situation without feeling rushed into a “yes” or “no.” You will also, with practice, learn to give the appropriate response.

By the way, “no” can take other forms as well. A young woman I know has found a phrase that works for her: “STOP." This is uncomfortable for me.”

Ideas for Navigating Through Boundary Confusion

- Figure out where you stop and the other person begins.

- Know that you exist separately and distinctly from other people, with different feelings, ideas and needs.

- Learn to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly.

- Practice putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding what their world view is in the moment.

- Remind yourself that another person’s words or actions are often about that person and that person’s history, and not about you. Can you choose not to take it personally?

Do you have an experience or story about personal boundaries to share? If so, email me at
[email protected] or post on the comments section of the blog site: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejeciton.com

Here's the link to past blogs on psychological projection:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/psychologial-projection/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Check out my earlier blogs on how Donald Trump leads the pack in offering us terrific examples of lessons:

In bullying, disrespect and mean-spiritedness: (Trumped Up and Slammed Down – The 2016 Presidential Primaries)

and

In fairness: (It’s Just Not Fair - In the World of Trump
and the World of Amazon)

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Supremes and Personal Attacks — What Happened to Dignity?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

What a shame recent history-making decisions by the Supreme Court are being tainted by animosity between the justices.

Will they ever again be able to sit down to tea together? Can they survive the recent rancor and disrespect?

What a contrast between Justice Robert’s restrained, reasoned and respectful dissent of the Marriage Equality decision and the irreverent dissents by Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alito – especially the public shaming of Justice Kennedy.     

This blog is not intended to be a political statement. My need to write about this reflects my uneasiness about the disrespect shown by these Justices to each other. As many of you know, I see things through the lens of rejection and taking things personally and these disrespectful exchanges trouble me a lot. Some of you may be affected by this as well, and I hope you'll take part in this conversation.

 

And yes, I guess I am taking it personally that my trust in the dignity of the highest court in our land has been shattered by undignified behavior.

The ‘Diss List”

These written dissents are chock-full of descriptions from the “Diss List” I use as an author and speaker.

“Diss” of course is short for “disrespect,” but there are dozens of words that begin with ‘diss’ including dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disregarding, dishonoring, and disgracing.

Each of these describes a rejecting behavior. They arise from and can lead to taking things personally.

Justice Scalia, joined by Justices Thomas and Alito, wrote a blistering dissent calling The Affordable Care Act majority opinion written by Chief Justice Roberts “absurd” and proclaiming, “We should start calling this law SCOTUScare."

Justice Scalia, famous for his over-the-top writing and witticisms, seems to have overstepped this time. Perhaps he isn’t aware that cynicism and sarcasm are anger based — and his anger surely shows.

Do you think Justice Scalia’s insulting responses to the majority opinions could be because he felt betrayed by the usually conservative Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Kennedy?

Did he take it personally? Is he overreacting?

Taking Things Personally – Let Me Count the Ways

Taking things personally has lots of colorations:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.
-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but 
your feelings get easily   hurt.
-  Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against you.
-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal. 
-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.
-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.
-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.
-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

Politico.com Wrote this Blog for Me!

Just as I was starting to write this blog using vivid examples of sniping and disrespect in the dissents  . . . Politico.com did it for me! (Politico, read by both Democrats and Republicans, is for the most part considered unbiased and a bit edgy.)

Here are some quotes from the Politico piece using words like “bitterness,” “invective,” “ridiculing” and “accusatory.”

“The gloves came off, with the justices hurling especially nasty words at each other, shattering the illusion that they are all good friends.”

“Scalia pulled no punches, blasting the majority decision in the same-sex marriage case as a ‘judicial Putsch,’ and leveling attacks that seemed directed squarely at Justice Anthony Kennedy, who penned the court’s majority opinion.”

(I had no clue what putsch means and had to look it up in Merriam-Webster: “a secretly plotted and suddenly executed attempt to overthrow a government.” Imagine. One Justice accusing another Justice of trying to overthrow the government!)

“Scalia called Kennedy’s opinion ‘often profoundly incoherent’ and declared that its ‘style is as pretentious as its content is egotistic.’"

“At another juncture, Scalia ridiculed Kennedy’s language as sounding like an aphorism from a fortune cookie.”

These mocking words from one justice about another, makes my head spin. Where is the decorum one would hope to expect from Supreme Court Justices?

(You’ll find the link to the thought-provoking Politico article below.)

Isomorphism and Projection

I wonder if this SCOTUS turmoil is a reflection of similar in-fighting in Congress and between Congress and the White House. And is it a mirroring of the polarization in the country? The term for this is isomorphism or parallel process.

Could there be some psychological projection going on as well where one person’s unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings or fears are unconsciously attributed to others?
(See the link below for more about isomorphism and projection.)

Will this dissension trickle down to the rest of us? Or has it already?

What a shame it would be if this acrimony affects future behaviors of The Supreme Court, Congress, The White House and We the People.

The positive side here is that some recent opinions have included a large dose of humanity from  the Justices. Wouldn't it be refreshing if SCOTUS could each find their way to feel passionately, yet respectfully and with dignity.

Would love your ideas about all this. Let’s have a discussion . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

More reading:

From Politico.com: Supreme Court Justices Stop Playing Nice
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/06/supreme-court-justices-antonin-scalia-samuel-alito-119486.html

On Isomorphism and projection:
From TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection: Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?
http://bit.ly/1GH3ZDB

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Blind Spots – Those Unacceptable Parts of Ourselves

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about blind spots lately. Mine and other peoples.

Blind spots are those traits about ourselves we just don’t see, although other folks do.

My favorite quote about blind spots is from the 2001 movie Yi Yi.  

“I can't see what you see and you can't see what I see. How can we know more than half the truth?"

Yi Yi is the family's wise young son who takes pictures of the backs of people's heads. "You couldn't see it," he says, "so I showed you." 

As we soon discover in the movie, what the people cannot see is what they choose not to see. Yi Yi goes around taking pictures of their pain.

And it is the same with our own blind spots. Where does this lack of ability to “see” ourselves come from?

Those Submerged Parts of Yourself

Often, we are unable to acknowledge certain aspects of ourselves. Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because they are not acceptable to us. This is what Carl Jung called the shadow—the dark part, the part we don’t want to know about ourselves, and wish wasn’t there.

How does this come about? In childhood we begin to notice we bring on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes. Sometimes these messages are cultural or gender-connected.

In other words, these emotions or actions were unacceptable to others. We interpreted this as “bad,” so we submerged them.

The bottom line is we forget to look in the mirror and we lose our authentic self somewhere along the way.

Robert Johnson, in Owning Your Own Shadow, reminds us that these “refused and unacceptable characteristics do not go away; they only collect in the dark corners of our personality.”

They especially begin to seep out when we judge or criticize others. We often cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves.

Through a process called projection, we mistakenly imagine these unacceptable traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. In other words, these traits are most likely our blind spots.

A woman I know says, “If we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away to someone else. In a way, projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Let’s Talk About Projection

These “blind spots” can certainly affect relationships with other people.  Traits you project onto others might include your sadness, your anger, your tendency to be snarky or cynical or patronizing or manipulative or flirtatious or competitive or controlling.

Might these be your own characteristics? Your own blind spots?

What can you add to this list?

Projection often involves blaming the other person for our own limitations. And most of us are all too aware that blame creates resentment and resentment takes up so much space in relationships there is no room for connection and intimacy.

Those Rejected Parts of Yourself

Robert Johnson says some of these hidden characteristics are “pure gold”—but we end up rejecting these parts of ourselves because they were unwelcome to our family or society.

Recognizing these disavowed parts and owning your shadow side as well as your more desirable features is an important part along the road of getting to know yourself. Intimacy with yourself is the key to acquiring the capacity for intimacy with another person..

By getting to know yourself, you can identify and do something about your needs for closeness and distance and not have to be constantly refereeing that internal conflict.

What about you? What might your shadow side be? Where does it come from and why did you have a need to hide it away? Are you able to identify it in yourself or do you deal with it through spotting it in other people? How often does this happen in your personal relationships? In the workplace?

It’s pretty hard to change something if you are not even aware of it. So by recognizing, identifying and becoming an objective observer, you can put yourself in a position to make some choices about how you want to “be” in relationships.

When you begin to notice that you are becoming judgmental of someone or that you simply can’t stand them, it just might be you are recognizing your own behavior! This act of noticing is a great way to get to know yourself.

The best way to change something is to notice it. Yep. It’s really difficult to do something differently if you can’t see it.

Why not practice walking alongside yourself, noticing your thoughts and feelings and reactions. Then decide if you want to keep walking down the same path or if you want to go back to the fork in the road and try out another path.

Will the Real You Please Stand Up?

Next, become aware of how rejection plays a role here – especially judgments and criticism. By recognizing signs of rejection and noticing how you react to it, you're taking the first steps in giving yourself some distance and the opportunity to do something differently.

Recognizing the disavowed parts, the dark side, leaves less room for critical judgment of others and of yourself as well. Owning your shadow side as well as your more desirable features is an important part of the road to self-acceptance—to wholeness.

There’s a lot of room in there for all the parts to coexist. Why not encourage them to befriend each other? Each part could teach the others quite a few things. They all have information to share, but you’ll find some of them are more talkative than others. Try getting to know them.

What are Your Blind Spots?

Of course if they really are blind spots, you may answer, "I don't know. I don't see any.” Often however the submerged traits are floating just below the surface and with a little attention can become accessible.

A good analogy of blind spots of course is about driving a car: The standard blind spot analogy typically describes an area immediately outside your own vehicle, yet close enough so that you cannot see objects in these areas by using your side mirrors alone.

Good ideas for cars and relationships: Look out for potential dangers and don’t forget to look in your mirror or even turn your head and look around you!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Parts of this e-letter/blog are excerpted from Don’t Take It Personally! and Breathing Room

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Tips for Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

By Elayne Savage, PhD

This is my 100^th e-letter/blog! Exactly eight years since I began November 2006 . . .

So it is with much gratitude I thank you for your support and comments and feedback.

I’m grateful, too, that I finally seem to be on the road to healing after that scary accident 3 months ago. Now if my concussion would only go away, I would be able to talk and write in sentences that make sense again!

I have learned much from family, friends, therapy and coaching clients and colleagues. And from you who have received these e-letters and responded with your own thoughts.  I'm grateful to you.

I’m super appreciative of the amazing lessons I have the opportunity to learn from my wise seven year old granddaughter and super excited that I’ll be with her and her parents this holiday.

Here Comes Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving gives us a reason and permission to allow gratitude and appreciation into our lives. And here comes Thanksgiving 2014.

However, for some of us it also can be a holiday with a few conflicting feelings  – clashing and banging up against each other. Perhaps in even stereophonic sound!

A part of you most likely looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the people and experiences in your life.

Hopefully this holiday gives you permission to appreciate you — for who you are and the person you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome as well.

Thanksgiving gives us permission to let ourselves be appreciative – maybe even stating our feelings out loud.

However, there may also be a part of you that is award of feeling a bit uneasy
with this holiday. Perhaps it’s the part of you that stresses about planning or preparing or serving. Or the part of you that dreads dealing with the 'attitudes' of annoying or inappropriate folks during get-togethers.

Pass the Rejection, Please

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these ultra-stressful times.

Do you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping this holiday is going to be different from past experiences?

Do you find yourself disappointed yet again?

Does someone say or do something that ruins the day for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene may seem to turn into something resembling Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Norman Rockwell painting and the next minute they’re at each other’s throats because someone said or did the "wrong" thing. Someone copped an 'attitude,' or was too judgmental, or critical or disapproving or dismissive or condescending or sarcastic or attacking or crude or otherwise disrespectful.

Feelings get hurt and someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments can feel like a huge dose of rejection.

Talking to The Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in
battles, feeling the need to choose sides, and suffering hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self." Maybe she needs to validate her  sublime mom-ness.    

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point. With the elections just over, he thinks he has good reason to goad you and he gives it his all.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she says in a very loud voice. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

- This is a good time to take a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation so you don’t feel so flooded and can think more clearly.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally whenever she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully and walk into the bathroom and while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author."

This perspective can give you the distance you need to take a step back and not feel so rejected or take things so personally.


"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways you might take care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that this is most likely about them and not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time-Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Visiting out-of-town relatives can be even more complicated and may take a bit more strategizing. Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.

Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.

People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," it’s a good guess she, too, is overly sensitive. “

In fact, if you ask Mom about Sally, she’ll tell you "When we were growing up, Sally always took things personally!"

Again, it’s good to remind yourself that it’s not about you.

Too Hot to Handle

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward another person. This projection onto others is usually not part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection as "when you mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries, and again in Breathing Room I describe how this works:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

By the way, Mike Robbins' book is terrific on how to harness the power of gratitude: Focus On The Good Stuff - The Power of Appreciation.'

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate them – even if our tendency is to hold back from sharing such sentiments.

For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday and to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures - wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation.

I’ll bet you have some wonderful holiday stories and experiences to tell – and I’d love to hear from you: [email protected] or you can post in the comments section of the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Theatre of the Absurd: The 2012 Election Campaign

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I'm offended and yes, I take it personally, by the onslaught of disrespect and incivility during this political campaign. This year bad taste seems more absurd and surreal than ever – and mean-spirited, too.

I dislike being exposed to the personal attacks, insults, bullying and condescending attitudes. I don't mean for any of these ideas to be taken as a political statement. It's mostly musings about how easy it is to feel dissed and take things personally.

Almost daily, in my various roles as a consultant, coach, psychotherapist and speaker, I hear stories about offensive, hurtful behavior by families, teachers, peers or bosses.

Almost daily, someone relates past or present experiences of ridicule, sneering, scorning, derisive laughter, undermining, interrupting, or browbeating.

Almost daily, I hear how these experiences of rejecting words, or tones of voice or facial expressions can have long-term effects.

So witnessing this deluge of dissing during this campaign is especially disturbing to me.

The 'Diss List'

I call it the 'Diss List.' A collection of rejection words beginning with "dis,"inferring some form of disrespect, and usually resulting in taking things personally. There are dozens of diss words – here are a few examples:
disrespected,  dismissed, disdained, discounted, disregarded, discarded, dispensable, disconnected, disbelieved,  disposable, disowned, disapproved of, disenfranchised, dishonored or disappointed in.

Are there some words on this list that describe your perception of what has been going on during the presidential and vice-presidential  debates and ad campaigns? Do you have your own words or impressions to add? I'd love to hear them.

Theatre of the Absurd

To me, each election year becomes more and more like Theatre of the Absurd. Absurdism involves portraying situations where the characters raise questions but don't provide answers, where there is no assumption of purpose, and where there is no logic to motivations, creating an atmosphere of ridiculousness.

   - I find it surreal to be repeatedly exposed to misrepresentations and deceptions. Being lied to is a sure-fire way for me to take things personally. 

  - I have a hard time watching denigrating facial expressions, smirks, eye-rolling, bullying and other dismissive attitudes.

  - I find certain behaviors especially crazy-making: deflections, denials, projections, mystification and obfuscation. 

Evasions, Deflections and Distractions

I know some politicians become skilled at deflecting questions. But do they realize how invalidating and insulting to intelligence this can be?

Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. There is no definition. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and we are left feeling rejected, dismissed and ignored.

Denial and Mystification

Repeated denial by candidates of their previous statements and actions is about as surreal as it gets It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it. – that I can't trust my own ears or eyes.

Perhaps some of you grew up with your experience and feelings being denied as well: "That didn't happen." "You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." "You really didn't have a nightmare – you're imagining it."

Can you see how we might begin to mistrust our own perceptions?

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification' . . . an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" what is really going on.

Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . ."

I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of how rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings invalidated.

Obfuscation– "Can You Guess the Hidden Meaning?"

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

A common way of doing this is by using jargon - a kind of secret language or code words that only a select group of people understand where the hidden meanings are incomprehensible to outsiders. Sometimes it feels like something like this might be happening during the ads or the debates. Or is it just my imagination?

Psychological Projections – Spreading the Garbage Around

Some political accusations seem to be more about the person making them then they are about the person or group on the receiving end.

The tendency to see certain traits in another person or group when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

Here's how it works: When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because these are actually blind spots for us. We need to disown and submerge them. These traits are sometimes called our 'shadow side.'

If they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous, so we try to protect ourselves. In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may unconsciously project these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we want or need to see ourselves.

(Do you remember the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing? "When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing.")

Have you noticed evidence of projection in the campaigning? Is it as perplexing for you as it is for me when accusations are flung around in this way?

Really Bad Taste

During the Vice-presidential debate, something touched me in a very personal way.

I couldn't believe I was hearing one candidate telling a car crash story in the presence of another candidate whose wife and young daughter had died  in a car crash. (Maybe I'm just being too sensitive after suffering through countless plane crash stories for so many years.) I find it surreal that this tasteless behavior would occur in the debate.

And I found Joe Biden's laughter and demeaning facial expressions to be tasteless and excessive.
 
The Absurdity of It All

Watching the ads and debates is like watching Theatre of the Absurd. Think of Beckett's 'Waiting for Godot.' Characters Vladimir and Estragon  repeatedly exclaim about taking action – but they do nothing. Much like many of our elected politicians.

Act I
Estragon: Well, shall we go?
Vladimir: Yes, let's (they don't move)

And again at the end of Act II:
Vladimir: Well? Shall we go/
Estragon: Yes, let's go. (They do not move)

Sound familiar?

I'd love to hear your ideas and comments . . .
[email protected]

© Elayne Savage, PhD

You can find other TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com blogs about campaigning  at http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/politics/

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been receiving e-mails about the polarity and negativity in this political campaign. Readers talk about the nasty and personal sniping, the name-calling and how there seems to be an unusual amount of viciousness in debates and advertising.

One woman wrote:  "Things are getting pretty ugly in the political sphere this election. It would be beneficial to get further perspective on ways to handle situations that are so negative."

"It is not just candidates who are negative. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without demonizing the other side. It is a real challenge to talk issues in a more objective way.

"A case in point is a close relative who keeps sending attacking political e-mail after I asked them to stop. How do you handle a person who insists upon talking politics when I have clearly stated I don't wish to discuss politics with them?  Where's a good starting point to deal with this issue?"

I do have some ideas of what may be going on here. This is not meant to be a political commentary. But rather, some observations on human nature.

Let's start with understanding 'isomorphism' and then move on to 'psychological projection.'

It is fascinating how some of our relatives or friends or neighbors appear to be taking on the negative qualities of the campaigners. And the media does the same!

The reader's example of pushy, negative comments is a terrific example of isomorphism (Sometimes referred to as  'parallel process' or 'social contagion.')

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another. It is when the energy from one context (for example political campaigners) is picked up and replicated in another context (for example voters.) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

This is what happens with certain interactions as well. In politics the character and temperament of a candidate trickles down to voters. There seem to be an influx of personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness and nastiness.

And of course this process also exists in personal and professional relationships.

Isomorphism is one way of explaining what may be going on in the realm of political nastiness. Psychological projection is another.

Psychological Projection: Spreading the Garbage Around

As the political attacks get more intensely personal and vicious every day, I wonder if there isn't some kind of personal flavor and investment in the accusations.

Could it be that the accuser is talking about their own flaws or shortcomings?

The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because they are blind spots for us and we need to disown them.

If our family or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

And if they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous.

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to others.

In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may fling these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we see ourselves.

In this primary election we hear accusations of being disreputable, corrupt and sexually inappropriate. We hear about infidelity, influence peddling, corporate shilling, dishonesty, and vicious whisper campaigns.

Some scratching below the surface and a little research might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

I'm not making a political statement here. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout quite a few primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in other blogs.

Have you noticed it too? Is it my imagination or does it seem to get worse with each new campaign?

I'd love to hear your comments. You can write to me at
[email protected]

Psychological projection does not just exist in political campaigns. It is all too common in our personal and professional relationships as well.

Have you noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can rid yourself of the anxiety it brings up.

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

A client says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

"Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

It's Hard Not to Take Finger Pointing Personally

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

It's no wonder the onslaught of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my coaching and therapy clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that the other three fingers are actually pointing right back at the accuser. The SNL folks sure got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
 
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in many relationships. It helps when we can get a handle on it.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Would love to hear your ideas. [email protected]

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Your Holiday Survival Guide

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2009
Welcome to the 38th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection®

Your Holiday Survival Guide
By Elayne Savage, PhD

These touchy times foster even touchier overreactions over the holidays.

The stresses of travel, visits with relatives, and dealing with unrealistic expectations and disappointments can lead to holidays disintegrating into low-down battles right before your eyes. The absurdity of it all is like watching a Harold Pinter play.

Theatre of the Absurd

Awkward family situations include: obnoxious relatives, judgments and criticism, and inappropriate, emotionally-loaded discussions about politics or religion.

You can choose not to bite-the-bait that family members toss out.
You can protect yourself from hurtful words and actions.

Here are some tips for handling these stressful holiday dilemmas. How to not be so sensitive. How to not over-react or take things so personally.

Pass the Rejection, Please

- Here is a great way you to take care of yourself at the dinner table. When civility starts getting off track you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the kitchen or bathroom, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this?”

Perhaps you can apply some of these examples to awkward situations in your family. . .

• Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.

- Be direct. Say "Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject."

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists on using her
salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely one. It's almost comical, so why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.

Mom's behavior is another example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

   - Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices. 

  - Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water while you regain your composure.

  - Consider having a talk with him about it in a sober moment. This will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is an exquisite example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

   - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the situation.

   - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

When Feelings Are Too Hot To Handle

By the way, when Aunt Sally says, "You always were too sensitive," she is most likely talking about herself.

This is an example of 'projection' - mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned (shadow) parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

Unacknowledged feelings include anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

3 Keys to Civility

- Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure. These are all examples of taking 'Time Outs.'

- The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions or inactions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Works every time!

Wishing you a happy holiday season. Filled with good cheer, friends, good cheer, good food and drink and peace.

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
     More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
 2. Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around
 3. Littering Along the Campaign Trail
 4. The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection
 5. A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?
 6. About Those 'Blind Spots'
 7. Getting a Handle on Projection
 8. Contacting Elayne
 9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I described intense reactions from my coaching and psychotherapy clients to the negative election campaigning. Especially unsettling were the doses of distortions, unpredictability, threats and fear, distractions, deflections and denial.

If you missed the piece, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/09/index.html

These days I'm hearing about another disturbing effect of this campaign: accusations appearing in the form of psychological projection. Let's take a look at some of the behaviors and how they affect our relationships. These are my impressions and are not meant to be a political statement.

Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around

Psychological projection is when one person mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in
him or herself. They may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.

When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Littering Along the Campaign Trail

Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, negative ads.  More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the mortgage industry.

And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."

Lately allegations are also surfacing as infighting within one of the campaigns. Team members are accusing each other of wrongdoing.

The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.

It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection

So let's take a look at how projection operates and how it affects relationships.

Anytime you have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can  shoot up. Your tendency would be to protect yourself from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common way is to unconsciously attribute them to others.

When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. You might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.

A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?

When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits  become our 'shadow side.'

For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable. So he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.

So he says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry."  Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.

So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? He might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper.'

He may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.

In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.

He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.

In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees his or her own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.

The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies. 

About Those 'Blind Spots'

I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple': Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them." 
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

In other words, we learn to reject certain parts of ourselves.

These traits are so well hidden that they become our 'blind spots' and affect our relationships with others. When we can't see something, it's difficult to choose to change it.

Getting a Handle on Projection

Have you ever noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include your anger, your sadness, your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in relationships. It helps to get a handle on it. AND it would give self-acceptance a chance to flourish.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'
2, Pass The Rejection, Please
3. Talking To The Turkeys At The Table
4. Excuse Me . . ."
5. Opt-In To Time-Outs
6. This Feeling Is Too Hot To Handle
7. Thanks for the Opportunity
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. THANKSGIVING GATHERINGS - GRATITUDE OR 'ATTITUDE'
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings  —  clashing and banging against each other. 

There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU —  for who you are and
what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.

Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.

However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness
with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or
preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.

2. PASS THE REJECTION, PLEASE

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these stressful times.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated
by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin
dreaming of a  Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family
gathering.

Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's
going to be different from past experiences.
Are you disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and
the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone
said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And
someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of
rejection.

3. TALKING TO THE TURKEYS AT THE TABLE

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't  end up in
battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can
leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

4. "EXCUSE ME . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action  here?”

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

5. OPT-IN TO TIME-OUTS

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you BE INDEPENDENT
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not
about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about
herself.

In fact, Mom  later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally
always took things personally!"

6. THIS FEELING IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because 
it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In BREATHING ROOM (New Harbinger) I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I
describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

And because many of you have made the request, there will be
more about Personal Boundaries and Projection in future e-letters.

By the way, there's a terrific new book on how to harness the power of gratitude: 'FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF - The Power of Appreciation' by Mike Robbins.

7. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate

them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

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Elayne Savage
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