Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

When Apologies are Non-apologies

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                            © Can Stock Photo / 72soul

 

Just about as soon as I had posted my August blog on how apologies seemed to be missing in action, there now seems to be one political apology after another.

 

Have you noticed?

 

Behaviors and comments seem to become more outrageous with each day. Our political figures seem to be throwing more shade than ever, and the slurs are more derogatory and the misrepresentations and outright lying and acts of dishonesty wrapped up in entitlement are more than I ever imagine could even happen. Conduct which seems to occur repeatedly.

 

Have you noticed?

 

And when there is an apology offered, most often it is of the non-apology variety, full of justifications and rationalizations for very unclassy, hurtful, denigrating, and often intentionally mean-for-meanness-sake behavior.

 

Have you noticed?

 

I mentioned non-apologies last month: “For many of us, apologizing is really hard to do. Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: ‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.’

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

‘I’m sorry I hurt you’

or ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.’

or ‘I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.’

 

In the month that followed my earlier blog, I’m realizing that saying ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’ might sound like one of those easily misinterpreted finger-pointing ‘you get hurt so easily’ kinds of comments.

 

It can be tempting to talk about hurting the other person as if they are easily hurt.

 

I talked about fear of taking responsibility, and fear of being blamed or shamed. I discussed blind spots and psychological projection

 

Lots of times we think we are really trying to apologize but it comes off as more of a non-apology, full of rationalizations and justifications for our behavior.

In case you missed it, here's the blog:

In ‘The Case of the Missing Apology’

 

So lets talk some more about non-apologies

I like the Merriam-Webster definition of non-apology: 

“a disingenuous or insufficient apology: a statement that is offered as an apology but that fails to express true regret or to take responsibility for having done or said something wrong”

Apologies have always been hard for me yet with practice they have become doable. A recognition that helps me a lot is to not try to use words that are uncomfortable for me – I tend to sound insincere when I do.

 

So what constitutes a sincere apology?

It is generally suggested that a sincere apology contains some form of:

recognition, responsibility, remorse/regret, restitution when appropriate, and repetition prevention

 

The book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies offers six (and a half) steps to great apologies. They are:

1. Say you're sorry. Not that you "regret," not that you are "devastated." Just say you're "sorry."

2. Say what it is that you're apologizing for. Be specific.

3, Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt.

4. Don't make excuses.

5. Say why it won't happen again. What steps are you taking?

6. If it's relevant, make reparations: "I'm going to pay for the dry cleaning. Just send the bill to me. I'm going to do my best to fix what I did."
 

 

And from Harvard Health Publishing:  

The Art of a Heartfelt Apology

- Acknowledge the offense. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.

- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.

- Express remorse. If you regret the error or feel ashamed or humiliated, say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.

- Offer to make amends. For example, if you have damaged someone’s property, have it repaired or replace it. When the offense has hurt someone’s feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.

 

And it's important to acknowledge that what you said or did has hurtful behavior however we have to be wary of painting the person you are apologizing to as someone who is too sensitive and easily hurt.

I believe one reason many of us hold back from offering a sincere apology is our fear of feeling vulnerable – such a scary feeling. It helps me a lot to distinguish between feeling vulnerable and allowing vulnerability. I remind myself of this difference often – it has been a game-changer for me in making apologies.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Would love to have a dialogue with you and hear your feelings about apologies.

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Case of the Missing Apology

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                        © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

Lately there has been an amazing amount of name calling and finger-pointing and making someone ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ coming from both political and personal venues.

 

And these perceived slights co-exist with lots of taking things personally and retaliatory behaviors.

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Lashing out

 

Accusing

 

Discrediting

 

Discounting

 

Slighting

 

Criticizing

 

Dismissing

 

Diminishing

 

Faulting

 

Undermining

 

Shaming

 

Smearing

 

Scorning

 

You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

 

What I don’t hear about are apologies for these out-of-control behaviors. 

 

I don’t see folks taking responsibility for their often outrageous conduct.

For many of us apologizing is really hard to do.

Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: 

‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

“I’m sorry I hurt you,”

or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.”

or “I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.”

 

The way I see it, our ability to step up and take responsibility and offer a sincere apology too often has to do with Blind Spots we have about ourselves and our behavior.

 

 

Blind Spots Are Those Traits About Ourselves We Just Don’t See, Although Others Do

 

Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.  

This blind spot prevents us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.

 

 

Psychological Projection to the Rescue

In order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.

 

We project aspects of  our own sadness, our anger, our resentment, our badness, our tendency to be patronizing or manipulative or competitive or controlling, our fears and vulnerability and dependency and other insecurities.

Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.

 

And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

Can you see how easily Blind Spots and Projection can get in the way of sincere apology?

 

 

An Important Part of Apologizing: Acknowledging and Taking Responsibility for Behavior

 

Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed – or shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling which many of us grew up with at home or from teachers or peers.

Sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.

That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. At times our own sense of pride interferes with us noticing how hurtful our words or actions or inactions might be to the other person.

Sometimes these are generational family “this is how we have always done it in my family” kinds of messages. 

 

And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy – we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand their hurt and to share their feelings.
 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

 

 

                                                              © Can Stock Photo / artursz 

 

 

“Stages of Denial”

 

I was recently sent a note from reader Lisa Doran encapsulating her impressions of typical statements made when a sincere apology was needed.

I think Lisa really nailed it and I want to share it with all you . . .

 

“Stages of Denial” that I hear and see over and over
by Lisa Doran

 

1. I didn’t do it

2. If I did do it, I didn’t mean to do it

3. I don’t understand why this is an issue anyway. This is a “you” thing

4. If I did do it, it’s your fault I did it

5. I already said I’m sorry (note: this is said after no sorry’s have been expressed)

This sounds really familiar to me. To you too? 
And it also sounds like gaslighting to me ... what do you think?

 

 

'Make a Choice to Make a Change'^TM

 
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by walking alongside yourself and mindfully ‘noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behavior, you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. 

 

You can ‘make a choice to make a change!’

 

I’d love to  hear your ideas about apologies – you can email me at [email protected]
 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

More about Blind Spots:  

bit.ly/44zlYya

 

More about Taking Things Personally and Psychological Projection:

bit.ly/3L4bks8

 

More about taking Responsibility and Sincere Apologies:

bit.ly/2DGrci5

 

Until next month …
Elayne
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Big-time Influence of Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD   © Can Stock Photo / arloo     Lately it seems just about every coaching client and therapy client and couple and family I’ve been seeing wants to talk about challenges that seem to reflect what appears to be some form of personal boundaries.    Not exactly sure why so many of the different aspects of boundaries are front and center right now but seems to be on everyone’s mind.   So I’m thinking maybe a refresher course in boundaries would be useful here.   Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others.    Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize and respect how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others.   And having good personal boundaries means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.     Personal Boundaries are About Respect   I believe this is the most important to understand: Boundaries are about respecting your own space and the space of others.  This includes honoring each other’s differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy. We each grew up in different families with different rules, roles and ways of being, often including different cultural influences.   Psychologists John and Linda Friel offer some good descriptions of seven categories of personal boundaries. I’ve used their descriptions as a foundation and added some of my own impressions.   Physical boundaries means other people respect your physical space. These boundaries are violated when someone goes into your room, uses your stuff without asking, or reads your diary. They’re also violated when someone touches, or tickles you when you don’t want him or her to, or pushes or hits you.   Intellectual boundaries means others respect your ideas or thoughts. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”   Emotional boundaries involve respect for your feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, or psychologically abuses you by criticizing, belittling, or shaming.   Social boundaries mean a respect for your choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes where you go or who you choose to be with, for example, “Why on earth would you want to go out with her?” or “Why would you want to see that movie?”   Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy and choosing who can touch you, where, and how they can touch you. In other words, respectful boundaries means no one can touch you without your permission. Some sexual boundary transgressions such as stranger or acquaintance rape are obvious, but others, such as staring, and leering can be confusing because they are not so obvious.   Money boundaries involve how you earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. There’s no question that different attitudes about money can cause relationship problems, especially if you don’t respect the other person’s style.    I grew up in a culture where folks would often ask “How much did you pay for that?”   Ethical boundaries  And of course in today’s political climate we are very aware of how principles guiding decision-making and professional integrity seem to be getting trounced daily in politics   Time boundaries hold special interest for me because I have struggled so many years with these. This means having respect for your own and others’ ways of dealing with time frames for getting things done.    Some of us are on time or even early for meetings or getting projects done. Others of us are “under the wire” people and thrive on the excitement of deadlines.    For years my nickname is “under the wire Elayne” and my usual 5 minutes late really causes problems when I’m meeting someone who is usually 10 minutes early!   My lateness is easily mistaken for a personal affront and perceived as disrespectful. In my typical ADHD way I’d try to squeeze in too many tasks or errands before meeting someone.    And I finally figured out I was choosing to be later than the person I was supposed to meet. Why? Because waiting for someone made me anxious. I would worry that they forgot, or stood me up, or some other form of rejection. Better they should wait for me, even though it meant they might get annoyed at my lateness.     Growing Up Boundary-less   When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.   I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.   Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family.   Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning. Others expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.   For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.   Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.    Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.   In some of our families there may have been strict rules, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.     Privacy vs. Intrusiveness in the Workplace   A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’ I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.   For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors.    Can you can see how there might be privacy issues here where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?   I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.   Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.     Appropriateness in the Workplace    For over 35 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries in the workplace. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate flirting or teasing or touching can easily lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct.   Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.   And of course this disrespect too often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person experiencing boundary-less behavior.     More about boundaries in several blogs if you look up personal boundaries in the archives on my blog site: TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   © Elayne Savage, PhD     Until next month,  Elayne     Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

"You Never Listen to Me!"

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / nasir

Sound familiar? How many times do you hear this from a partner, family member, friend or coworker?

 

 

 

How many times have you heard yourself say, “You’re not listening to me!”

 

 

 

Is it any wonder the most common response by couples or family members or workplace clients to my intake form question “Why did you decide to come into therapy/consultation now” is one word or two: 
 

“Communication” or “Communication Problem.”

 

 

Feeling Listened to, Heard and Understood

 

Most of us want to feel listened to and heard and understood

 

 

 

When we feel acknowledged in this way we feel validated and respected. And connected.

 

 

 

If, instead, we feel ignored, it’s so easy to translate this into feeling dissed: disdained and dismissed and discounted and disapproved of. Each of these feelings is a form of rejection ... and we find ourselves taking it personally.  

 

 

 

Respect of course is the opposite of all those ‘diss’ words and is a frequent focus of my blogs and my therapy/consulting/coaching work.

 

 

It always seemed the adults in my early life (family, teachers, coaches) were repeatedly saying:

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

“In one ear and out the other!”

“Don’t you ever listen?”

 

 

And in fact it turns out I apparently did indeed have impaired hearing which wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s.

 

 

 

And I was usually not paying very good attention to what was being said or expected of me. 

 

 

 

Oh. Now I understand why: A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD which totally explains my childhood distraction and wandering attention.

 

 

 

Wow. Too bad the grownups didn’t understand that my ADHD brain was different from their brain. Instead, because they didn’t understand me they didn’t show respect. Instead, their energy went into shaming me in those early years.

 

 

 

You can imagine the effect all this had on my self-respect.

 

 

 

By the way, it is with couples or co-workers where one has some ADHD attributes that I most often hear the "You never listen to me!" complaint.

 

 

In the Spirit of Teamwork

 

So along with highlighting the importance of respect, let’s talk about the need for clear communication and teamwork in both personal and workplace relationships.

 

 

 

I wrote Breathing Room for folks who are in a couples relationship or who want to be.

 

 

I suggest creating goals of: 
 
- giving and accepting respect

- the ability to trust

- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability

- the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together.
 

 

 

These ideas are not just for couples. I use the same suggestions when I consult in the workplace.

 

 

Respectful direct communication and feeling listened to, heard and understood are the keys to successful teamwork.

 

 

Sixteen years ago I wrote  Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples: 

 

 

“This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve  conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."
 

 

 

In my work with couples and with professional colleagues, I encourage them to use our sessions to work together to  come up with some creative ideas for getting things done. 

 

 

 

We take a look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:

 - What does teamwork mean to each one? 

 

- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 

 - What are their goals? Individual and together?

 - What are their expected outcomes? 

 - What are their challenges? 

 - How can they work together effectively?

- What situations work best? 

- What might get in their way?
 
- Are they communicating clearly? 

 

 

We look for a way or two or three that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors. Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share household or parenting decisions or functions.
 
 

 

This is about looking for ways of enhancing what is already there.

 

Can they recognize each other's strong points? 

 

Can they value and respecting each other? 

 

Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good   teamwork?  

 

 

 

Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships 
and The Key Ingredient Here is RESPECT

 

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships and are transferable: 

 



 

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

 

 

 

I believe that we can say some very direct and difficult things as long as we do it respectfully. This means without snark or attitude or put-downs or ‘looks’ or tones of voice.

 

 

 

Sometimes it is difficult to  respect and accept someone's  style of thinking and doing things when it's different from your own. We have to remind ourselves that maybe we each  have ‘different brains.’
 
 

 

And keep reminding ourselves that we each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations.

 

 

 

These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally. 

 

 

 

And respectful ways or disrespectful ways are passed down as well.

 

 

APPRECIATION is Important Too


Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. If only we could notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection.

 

 

 

I’m a huge believer in validation messages from doing ‘acts of caring.’

 

 

 

And Effective Respectful Communication
 
- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
 
- Respectful Questioning
 
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate



- Clear, unambiguous communication

 
 

 

And again, the bottom line is: We all want to be listened to and heard and understood –– and connected.
 

 

But What If We Had Poor Communication Models?

 

The problem is many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models:

 

Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another.

 

Maybe things just didn't get said, or only hinted at and you were supposed to guess. 

 

Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

 

 

 

And then there is the surreal, confusing experience of being the object of gaslighting by the other person, being told you are  imagining something.

 

 

 

Some families even have a generational history of this kind of behavior: denying and disputing someone else’s experience.

 

 

 

I’ve blogged about gaslighting over many years. Here’s one of them:

I Really Hate Being Lied To!

 

 

 

Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and  directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

 
 

 

 

And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words, so we played guessing games about meaning.
 
 

 

 

We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to clarify intent and meaning. 

 

 

I teach a simple 3-step way to initiate clarification:
 
“This is what I heard you say ---------------------.

Is it what you said?

Is it what you meant?”
 
 

 

This actually gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear.

 

 

 

I see respectfully clarifying meaning as the best relationship tool available.

 

 

Miscommunication leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking something personally – and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection.


 

 

How to Get What You Need  
 

 

And when it's time to negotiate agreements, here are some tips:

 
- Be respectfully direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true: If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.'

 
- Be respectfully direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it.  

- Be respectfully direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!

 

 

Learning to be respectfully direct gives you a pathway to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there. 

 

 

 

Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a bunch  of practice.  

 

 

 

I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork.



 

 

And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships. 
 

 

 

Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able 
to contribute some of my ideas.
 
 

 

 

And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can take a breather and that either person can suggest calling a ‘time out.’

 

 

 

Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).
 

But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.

 

 

And even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving.

 

 

And it can feel like disrespect.
 

© Elayne Savage PhD
 

Would love to hear from you if you have some good communication or teamwork tips or 'listening' stories.

 

Until next month,

Elayne
 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Wearing Victimhood As a Badge of Honor

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

 

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

 

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

 

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

 

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

 

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

 

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

 

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

 

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"


Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

 

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  


 

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  


 

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  


 

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 


These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

 

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

 

Taking  Bullying Personally

 

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

 

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

 

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

 

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

 

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

 

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

 

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

 

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

 

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

 

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

 

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

 

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

 

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

 

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

 

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

 

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

 

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

 

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

 

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

In the Spirit of Teamwork

By Elayne Savage, PhD https://abc17news.com/news/2023/02/24/mccarthy-and-jeffries-creating-bipartisan-task-force-to-determine-process-to-boot-members-off-committees/ I was excited to see a headline of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries deciding to team up by creating a bipartisan task force.    Even the thought of Congressional teamwork feels like a breath of fresh air after so many months of disrespect and antagonism and fighting between the the two parties.    This task force is supposed to ensure there would be due process going forward on House committee removal –– which has been done recently in what I felt were pretty shoddy ways.   The Washington Post wrote: “The task force represents a step toward a truce between the two parties, which have spent a significant amount of time over the past two years punishing lawmakers by depriving them of their committee assignments.”   To me, it sometimes felt like abruptly pulling the chair away just as someone is about to sit down.   Wouldn’t it be refreshing to negotiate  a way to steer away from retaliations and dissing in the future and to stay cooperative and respectful!   Seeing this plan for Congressional teamwork reminds me of how teamwork seems to have become a popular theme of many of my sessions with couples, families and workplace clients. Actually for decades I have described my work as teamwork - rolling up our sleeves and working together.   Interestingly there seems to be a more than usual recent desire for teamwork. More then I usually see in my 40 years of private practice.   Hmmmm. So maybe it is time to blog again about respect and clear communication and teamwork in relationships. Respect of course is a frequent focus of my blogs because it is the opposite of feeling dissed and rejected.    So let’s re-visit some teamwork highlights:   Fifteen years ago I wrote Relationship Lessons from Yosemite – how sights and experiences in Yosemite can be a metaphor about relationships. - giving and accepting respect - the ability to trust - allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability - the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together. All of this woven together by open and direct communication.   Sixteen years ago I wrote  Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples:   "Providing support and satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . . This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."   In the Spirit of Teamwork In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative ideas for getting things done.    We look at it in the spirit of teamwork and cooperation.  Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:   - What does teamwork mean to each one?  - What does it mean to be 'a good team player'?  - What are their goals? Individual and together? - What are their expected outcomes?  - What are their challenges?  - How can they work together effectively? - What situations work best?  - What might get in their way? - Are they communicating clearly?    We explore the ways teamwork already exists in their relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already there.   We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share parenting decisions or functions.   - Can they identify the areas in which they are already a good team? - Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned in professional areas of their lives? - Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ?    Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships   Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships:   - recognizing each other's strong points  - valuing and respecting each other  - agreeing to fully participate - working together cooperatively - identifying how each person is part of something larger than him or herself - understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture   RESPECT is a Key Ingredient Here By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person. By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the chances for successful teamwork.    Sometimes it is difficult to  respect and accept someone's  style of doing things when it's different from your own.   You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally.    APPRECIATION is Important Too Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection. However, first you have to observe their words or actions.   EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:   - Listening to each other's ideas and concerns - Respectful Questioning - Respectful Persuading when appropriate - Clear, unambiguous communication   Oh there’s that ‘communication’ word! On my intake forms I ask: ‘Why did you decide to come into therapy now?’ The most common answer  is “communication problem.”  Same is true regarding workplace clients.   We all want to be listened to and heard and understood and connected.   Unfortunately many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.   Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.   And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words so we played guessing games about meaning.   We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to check out intent and meaning.  And too often we take it personally!   I teach a simple 3-step way  to initiate clarification: “This is what I heard you say ———————————. Is it what you said? Is it what you meant?”   This gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear. I see respectfully clarifying meaning as about the best relationship tool available. Miscommunication leads to misunderstands and hurt feelings and taking something personally –– and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection. PERSUASION and NEGOTIATING SKILLS   And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements, here are some tips: - Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true:   If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.' - Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it. - Be direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!     Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot of practice.   I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork. And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships.    Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able  to contribute some of my ideas.   And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can suggest calling  a “time out.” Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).   But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.   Even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving. And it can feel like disrespect.   Would love to hear from you if you have some good teamwork tips or stories.   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month, Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

John Fetterman and Me and Auditory Processing Challenges

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / radiantskies

 

I was reading up on auditory processing disorder while I was working with a client who needed closed captioning and transcribing accommodations in her college classes.   OMG -- I found myself reading about ME!    These APD articles totally helped me identify and understand my own limited ability to process verbal information.    It always seemed like there was a space between hearing the words and my brain actually being able to process the words I had just heard. I often found that words were running together and garbled – especially if the person was talking fast.  And I was always de-coding.   Before this discovery, I had learned from my neuropsychologist that tests showed I had ADHD (you may have seen my recent blog about this: New Kid On the Block – Intention Deficit Disorder.)   We figure I’ve been dealing with both the ADHD and Auditory Processing for much of my life along with my hearing impairment.   My audiologist says that most folks with hearing loss also have some difficulty with auditory processing and that it tends to show up even more as we age.   And yet, I think I’ve been functioning pretty OK over the last 30 years as a psychotherapist, professional speaker, author and blogger.    Actually, my two recent concussions are causing more challenges than any of this other stuff.    Sometimes I pause a bit before answering a question, or have to ask for it to be repeated, or stumble over words, or can’t quite get to the word I want to use.    With all the negative attention to Senate candidate John Fetterman’s difficulty with auditory processing from his recent stroke, it gets me wondering if some folks have had negative thoughts about my workshops, interviews, workplace coaching or therapy sessions. Yes, I guess was sometimes on the verge of taking it personally and feeling rejected.   Have they secretly been making fun of me the way some folks do about John Fetterman’s speech?  I’m aware that my ability to think and write are not at all affected but I now I’m wondering what others have been thinking about my brain.   I couldn’t be without closed captioning to watch TV and some movies. I loved the idea that John Fetterman used it in his recent TV debate. Sure wish I had thought of using captioning in other venues to help me out. But then maybe folks would have made fun of me for doing that.    Because of the attention to Lt. Gov. Fetterman’s speech difficulties, there have been some wonderfully informative articles about auditory processing and I’m sharing them with you below.    You may even recognize yourself or someone you care about as you read.   Here are some highlights from that very first piece I was reading when I first realized APD is Me.   From Andrea’s Blog:  https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   – The ears take in everything, but the brain has trouble sorting it out.   – It’s like having poor cell phone reception, where the signal gets static or drops out.    – Difficulty discriminating between a voice and the background noises.    – Difficulty understanding people when more than one person is speaking.    – Having to rely on context to puzzle out what people are saying.   – I have always misunderstood musical lyrics (and creatively concocted my own); I can never repeat a conversation verbatim that lasts longer than a few seconds.   – Verbal directions are hard to keep straight – writing them down helps a lot.   – All my life my teachers and parents have complained I didn’t pay attention: “What’s wrong with you”  “Why aren’t you listening to me?“    Tips for coping from Andrea and Her Blog Readers:    –  Asking people to face you.   –  Sitting closer to a speaker whenever possible, saying I have trouble hearing.   –  Looking at people’s lips when they talk.    –  Writing down lists of things I’m asked to do. Otherwise, I forget what I hear.    –  Repeating back what I hear, in a different way if possible. This is for two reasons. One, I often hear the wrong thing and put together the wrong instruction set. The second reason is because even if I hear the right thing, I often misunderstand the meaning or miss specific, clarifying words.    –  Asking people to move to a quieter place to talk. Usually all this takes is simply moving myself to a little corner. Speakers will follow without a word because it’s natural to want to be closer when talking to someone.    –  When appropriate, allowing the use of an assistive listening device (ALD). It consists of a receiver with headphones for myself, and a wireless mike for the speaker. This allows the information to transmit directly through the headphones while eliminating most extraneous noises.    –  I often email people with the information I understand, and ask them to verify (in writing and by responding, so I have the original with their response).    – I find it helpful to take literate notes because it keeps me involved in the meeting, so I become the unofficial note taker.    – Telling people to do what I need them to do so I can understand. I never had the confidence to that before that past several years. I just thought I was stupid and should be able to keep up by now.    Sharing John Fetterman's Challenges   So in many ways John Fetterman and I have some of the same challenges. The major difference is that I have been living with mine for many years and my APD will not get better. Because his APD resulted from a stroke, his brain will continue to rebuild and his speech will continue to improve.   And again, here is the link to this really helpful and very long blog by Andrea: https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   One of my favorite ADHD sites is www.AdditudeMag.com and offers these takes on Auditory Processing Disorder plus some self-testing. And by the way, October has been ADHD Month!   "Auditory processing disorder (APD) occurs when the ears and brain are not in sync. This disconnect can cause challenges with differentiating similar sounds.   This disconnect can cause a range of challenges – struggles with auditory discrimination, with listening in noisy environments, with remembering what you’ve heard, and with recalling the sequence of words spoken – that may resemble (and co-occur with) other conditions.   APD may interfere with learning, however it is not correlated with intelligence. It may cause communication difficulties, but it does not show up in traditional auditory tests for hearing loss."   Jill Bolte Taylor’s Personal Experience with a Stroke and Auditory Processing    Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroscientist,had a stroke 26 years ago. Her descriptions of her experience and recovery are fascinating:     “In 1996, at the age of 37, I was a brain scientist at Harvard when I experienced a major hemorrhage in the left half of my brain. Over the course of four hours, my brain completely deteriorated circuit by circuit, ability by ability. After experiencing this rare form of stroke, I lost my ability to walk, talk, read, write and recall any memories from before the event.   Although I was left in a neurologically devastated condition, I did not die that day. After I had brain surgery at Massachusetts General Hospital, it took me eight years to use my understanding of the brain to completely rebuild my neural circuits and recover all lost functions.   In 2008, more than a decade after my stroke, I gave the first TED Talk to ever go viral, I was chosen as one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World, and I was interviewed on Oprah Winfrey’s daytime TV show, alongside Dr. Mehmet Oz.   I can share from experience what having a problem with auditory processing feels like. It’s like there’s a small delay between what you hear and your ability to understand the meaning of what was said.” https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/25/opinion/brain-stroke-recovery-fetterman.html   And Vox offers this information about APD and the use of accommodations:  https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2022/10/15/23403699/john-fetterman-pennsylvania-senate-interview-captions-disability-dasha-burns-mehmet-oz   Thank goodness for the world of accommodations!    Have you have any experiences with Auditory Processing?   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Managing Misunderstandings – Honing Conflict Resolution Skills

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

 

               

                      © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

I am excited to be featured again in an interview with Prevention Magazine – this time on conflict resolution.

 

Here’s the Prevention piece and  the link:

 

Prevention Magazine

9 Conflict Resolution Skills for Strong, Healthy Relationships

These skills and strategies can help keep all your relationships going and growing.

 

By Shannen Zitz Published: Sep 28, 2022

 

Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship. They’re stressful, sure, but unfortunately, they can’t always be avoided—which is why it’s key to learn conflict resolution skills to navigate and overcome these high-stress situations.

 

“Conflict in interpersonal relationships can be broadly defined as any sort of disagreement between two people who are connected in some way—whether friends, colleagues, partners, or relatives,” explains Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Behavioral Health and Wellness Centerin Newton, MA. “The disagreement can be in regards to opinions on something or in values, or related to behaviors.”

 

While conflict and disagreements are common, it’s also important to know that they’re normal—especially with the people who you interact with regularly. “The benefits we bring to any relationship are in part that we have different opinions, different personalities, different values, and different lived experiences,” Chait says. “As such, it is normal to encounter some conflict. Encountering conflict by itself is rarely the primary issue; the issues arise in how we address the conflict.”

 

It’s not always easy to address disagreements, but ahead you’ll learn conflict resolution skills to help you on your way to better communication.

 

Conflict resolution skills and strategies 
 

1. Plan ahead

Sometimes you might want to address conflict right away, but it can be helpful to avoid these types of interactions in the heat of the moment. If one or more parties are upset, be sure to take some distance so that everyone can collect their thoughts and emotions. “It can be very helpful to then both agree on a time and place when you’ll discuss the conflict, that way both parties come into the discussion aware of what will be discussed with time to prepare,” Chait says.

 

2. Stay respectful

The goal for conflict resolution in both personal and workplace relationships is “keeping space available for respectful and clear communication,” explains Elayne Savage, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. Try to think about a few attributes in the other person that you respect or admire, and keep those things in mind when approaching the conversation. When you do this, you are likely to speak in ways that make the other person feel valued despite the conflict.

 

3. Practice active listening

“The most important thing about any of these interactions with somebody else is to feel listened to, to feel heard, and to feel understood,” Savage explains. Be sure to share your perspective and feelings clearly, but also listen with intention and understanding when the other person shares their thoughts. This type of active listening will make for better communication overall, and allow you both to come to a mutual understanding more easily.

 

4. Avoid placing blame

If a person feels they are being blamed for their role in the conflict, they are likely to feel upset and act defensively. Chait suggests using “I” statements when sharing your perspective on the situation and focusing on how you feel rather than what they may have done to decrease the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked.

 

5. Make it about “we”

In addition to using “I” statements when discussing your feelings, be sure to use “we” statements when discussing ways to move forward and resolve the conflict. Try framing the conversation in terms of “‘what is best for both of us’ or ‘what is best for the workplace,’” Savage explains.

 

6. Focus on actions

After creating space for open, clear, and respectful communication where both parties have the chance to share their own point of view, “focusing on behaviors or actions rather than personality traits that can’t be changed,” is helpful in coming to a mutual understanding for moving forward, according to Chait.

 

7. Don’t take things personally 

“Step away from whatever’s going on, especially from any part of it that you might be taking personally,” Savage suggests. “If you can separate yourself just a little bit, you’re able to ask: ‘What are my options here?’ ‘Do I have to be upset?’ ‘Do I have to be hurt?’ ‘Is there another explanation for this? Another way to think about this?’”

 

8. Avoid filling in the blanks

Making presumptions about where the other person is coming from is bound to make communication a little muddy. Savage recommends checking in with yourself while you are actively listening to the other person to make sure you are not making any assumptions—ask yourself if you are totally clear about the meaning of the other person’s words, and if you aren’t, give them an opportunity to repeat or clarify.

 

9. Schedule a check-in

Once you use effective conflict resolution skills to come to a mutual understanding, the work is not yet done. “Any conflict resolution conversation should end with plans for how to work on this going forward in order to avoid falling into a pattern of conflict,” Chait says. Try also setting up a plan to check in down the line to ensure everyone feels satisfied and is upholding their end of the agreement.

 

Why conflicts occur

 

Conflict can happen for many reasons, but it mainly comes down to disagreement and disappointment. Disagreement that leads to conflict often stems from “incompatible ideas that become antagonistic,” explains Savage. “It often then becomes a struggle about who’s right—people get invested in being right and that’s where a lot of the conflict comes from.”

 

A lack of clear communication is also a common culprit for most situations of conflict, Savage notes. When one party is not clear on what they need, the other party cannot be clear on the issue or potential ways to overcome the issue.

 

Similarly, listening is a big part of communication—and if one or more parties are not listening actively and with empathy, communication tends to become skewed.

 

Another important piece of the puzzle is feelings of disappointment and rejection. The sum of our lived experiences growing up in the world affects who we are today, and what we expect from people. “When these expectations aren’t met, that can feel disappointing and even like rejection, which is definitely something that can lead to conflict,” Savage explains.

 

So what does conflict look like? It’s helpful to think of conflicts professionally and personally, but the core of these types of conflict is usually the same feelings of disagreement and disappointment. Chait notes that common examples of conflicts that occur in the workplace are differences in opinions on how to approach a problem, different values as it pertains to work-life balance, and different personality styles that may clash in work settings. Conflicts that occur in relationships with family and partners are “similar, but the topics may be different,” Chait explains. “While at work, you may have [a] conflict with someone about whether or not you should have to work rigid hours or have a flexible schedule, and at home you may disagree with your partner about whether to have a rigid schedule with your children or be more flexible.”

 

Why you should try conflict resolution

 

“Conflict resolution is the key to overcoming conflict and is necessary in order to keep healthy relationships,” Chait says. “Having the skills necessary to address conflict in a way that works for everyone involved is critical.” Additionally, these skills will extend even further in equipping the people involved with the necessary skills and knowledge to efficiently rise above conflict moving forward.

 

Lots of people tend to ignore conflict and consider themselves people who don’t like confrontation. But avoiding conflict is rarely a solution, and usually creates unhealthy patterns and cycles that become more difficult to solve. Plus, it’s hard maintaining healthy, happy relationships with unresolved conflict looming—there’s likely to be a constant feeling of tension between those involved and they may actually behave differently, like not sharing their opinions and avoiding interactions that might start another bout of conflict, Chait explains.

 

Misunderstandings often cause conflict, but the hurt feelings that come from these instances of misunderstanding are also dangerous. “Hurt feelings can lead to taking things personally, and even anger. But the biggest problem is that they often lead to resentment,” Savage says. When conflict resolution is avoided, this resentment builds and builds to the point where “there's no space available for respectable clear, defined communication, or for teamwork.”

 

https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a41424072/conflict-resolution-skills/

 

 

But Wait, There’s More

 

One of the great things about writing a blog, is I can reprint something and add to it!

 

Here are a few ideas that didn’t make it into the Prevention piece and I’m adding or expanding on them here for you.

 

Helps to remember that most conflicts don’t just involve just the two of you. You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation.

 

So consider how during a discussion each of you might have several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers, coaches. And each is clamoring to get a word in, or an opinion or a judgment or a criticism or advice.

 

And you might find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and wondering where on earth your words are coming from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

It sure can be a struggle to respect and accept someone's 
style of doing things when it's different from your own.

 

I also have something to add about avoiding angry confrontations. If a discussion is becoming heated, consider taking a ‘time out’ to regain your composure. Excusing yourself to stand up and get a drink of water. Or excusing yourself to walk into the restroom and doing some slow counting to 10 and deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation.

 

Here are a couple of previous blogs addressing some of these challenges:

 

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html

 

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2019/01/are-generational-family-messages-contaminating-your-workplace.html

 

 

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2018/07/are-you-filling-in-the-blanks-assuming-the-worst-feeling-rejected.html

 

 

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Would love to hear your ideas for managing misunderstandings!

[email protected] OR

the Comment Box on the blog site:  www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

 

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Intention Deficit Disorder – New Kid on the Block

By Elayne Savage, PhD

©Can Stock Photo/Sangoiri

 

I’ve been fascinated by each of my new discoveries about ADHD ever since I realized several years ago that my brain seems to function a little differently and I began to understand that I have been creating ‘work-arounds for school work and projects and chores to help me get by.

 

For years I’ve been taking copious notes during a lecture or training, I make lists constantly and there’s always an array of post-its around my house!. Folks tease me about my lists.

 

Then a few years ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist for a concussion and I started joking around, “Oh that’s just my ADHD!”

She was quick to say, “You think? I can test you.”

 

And guess what, I am ADHD. Now all my work-arounds make perfect sense. I was actually taking good care of myself all those years without knowing why.

 

One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned is how ADHD is often missed in girls. With boys’ often disruptive acting out behaviors teachers spot it in the classroom. But girls get missed because it is more ‘quiet’ – presenting as moodiness/depression and anxiety.

 

I’m always so delighted to make a new ADHD discovery. Actually because I specialize in rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally I figured out decades ago that there seemed to be a connection between these challenges and ADHD. And in the last few years there have been studies linking all this up. There is even a term for it: ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ - RSD.

 

So I’m excited about my most recent ADHD discovery and wanting to share it with you.

I’m on the email list for an absolutely terrific resource, ADDitudeMag.com and spotted this article in a recent edition.

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action

 Psychologist Russell Barkley writes about Intention Deficit Disorder – an ADHD trait that gets in the way of not accomplishing goals.

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a real diagnosis but a term Russell Barkley, Ph.D. uses to describe what he believes is a central struggle of ADHD: difficulty accomplishing goals. Learn how this trait is tied to executive dysfunction, plus ways to meet your goals with action"

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a medical diagnosis but a helpful way to frame a persistent ADHD challenge: the inability to further goals with timely action. Here, learn about the executive function deficits that give rise to “intention deficits,” plus ways to bridge the gap between objectives and tactics.”

 

“Think of ADHD as a performance disorder. People with ADHD know what they need to do, but they struggle – greatly, at times – to transform intention into action, whether that’s preparing for a test or finalizing an important project at work. It’s an issue directly tied to the executive function difficulties inherent in ADHD. And yet, this very real challenge of ADHD is often mistaken for laziness and lack of motivation, which many breed low self-esteem and even depression.”

 

(And I'd like to add so many descriptions come to mind from my observations as a therapist and workplace consultant and from my experiences with my own ADHD: Procrastination, Perfectionism, Ambivalence, Avoidance, Anxiety, Fear of failure and even Fear of Success!) 

I've written lots of blogs on these topics - see the categories archive list on the right side of this page.)

 

On a personal note, it helps me to think of ADHD as related to Intention – and keeps me from getting caught up in the cycle of disappointment that too often feels like rejection.

 

Here are some highlights and tips from Russell Blakely:

 

Unpacking Intention Deficit Disorder: The ADHD Struggle to Perform

Executive Dysfunction Affects Behavior and Performance Executive

1.   Dysfunction Muddles Time

2.   Intention Deficit Turns Everything Into a Crisis

3.   Intention Deficit Looks Like Laziness

 

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Turning Intention Into Action

1. Externalize time by using external representations of time — like calendars, white boards, visual timers

2. Bring the future to the present –– Dividing long-term goals into smaller, contiguous steps is one way

3. Ensure motivation along the way –– some ideas:

• short breaks in between longer bursts of work
• body doubles, or accountability partners
• visualizing rewards and positive outcomes

 

Here is the link for the complete ATTitudeMag.com piece:

bit.ly/3e7K5PY

(By the way, on a personal note: one of my favorite paths to success is working with the company of another person!)

 

And some links to a whole bunch of articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

bit.ly/3KBTETB

 

Would love to hear your responses to all this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

             ©Can Stock Photo-LumaxArt2D

 

Have you noticed how over the last few months there have been lots of media references to Trumpism and Cult-like behavior?

I just did a Google search and found dozens, maybe even hundreds of recent links! Actually the number surprised me because the last time I searched, 5 years ago, I found only one link besides my blog from 2016. (See below for the 2017 op-ed piece by Reza Aslan.)

This week marks the 6^th anniversary of putting my fears about the influence of cultism into writing when, on July 27 2016, I blogged about my anxiety.

Below are some of my observations from Does the Art of the Deal Mean Selling your Soul? all those years ago:

 

From Bill Moyers

Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning:

“Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”

And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"

Moyers continues:  This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.”

Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.

"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )

 

Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons

Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.

 ‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. 

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Fear is in the Air and It’s Contagious


Cult Culture

To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s. 

As a Child Protective Services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced to take part in a mass murder/suicide.

I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. The call ended abruptly. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment.

Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member

 

Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.

As he says in the book’s preface “The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”

http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture

 

50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders ––Who Do You Recognize Here?

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.

Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:


– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.

– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.

– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.


– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”


– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior. 


– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    


– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.

– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.

–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.

– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.

– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

 

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

It's quite amazing to me how many of these have to do with reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.

Joe Navarro writes: “When the question is asked, “When do we know when a cult leader is bad, or evil, or toxic?” this is the list that I use to survey the cult leader for dangerous traits. Of course the only way to know anything for sure is to observe and validate, but these characteristics can go a long way to help with that. And as I have said, there are other things to look for and there may be other lists, but this is the one that I found most useful from studying these groups and talking to former members of cults”.

The above observations are from my blog from 2016.

 

My Original 6 Year-old List Seems So Naïve!

As I re-read my list from 6 years ago that I felt were the most obvious characteristics of Donald J. Trump, it seems so naïve now!

I’m amazed I missed so many Trump traits back then. Now that I that I better ‘know’ Donald J. Trump there are many that I would have to include today. Now they seem so hard to miss!

Here are more of Joe Navarro’s characteristics that I would add now:

– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.

– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.

– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.

– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.

– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.

Believes himself to be omnipotent.

– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.

– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.

– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

Actually there are yet another 25 or so characteristics that Joe Navarro lists – what did I miss?

How many of Donald Trumps words or behaviors in the complete list of 50 characteristics do you recognize? Do you see them in other folks as well?

You can imagine how back then lots of folks disagreed with my audacity writing this blog in equating Donald J. Trump with Cult-like behavior.

And yet times have changed some.

I did find an LA Times opinion piece by Reza Aslan from back then when I just did a Google search. It was a lonely article. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, there are many such pieces the last couple of years.

From the LA Times in November 6, 2017

“I am not the first person to point this out: There’s been a cultish quality to President Trump’s most ardent supporters. He seemed to acknowledge the phenomenon when he boasted that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” and not lose voters.

Throughout the campaign, and in personal appearances since then, Trump has harnessed the kind of emotional intensity from his base that is more typical of a religious revival meeting than a political rally, complete with ritualized communal chants (“Lock her up!”).

“, , , , If Trump’s presidency deteriorates further, expect the religious fervor of many of his followers to reach a fever pitch. That poses a risk for the country. Because the only thing more dangerous than a cult leader is a cult leader facing martyrdom.”

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-aslan-trump-cultists-20171106-story.html

 

In 2020 a book appeared by cult expert Steven Hassan who was once a ‘Moonie’ in the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, The Cult of Trump: A Leading Cult Expert Explains How the President Uses Mind Control.

From publisher Simon & Schuster:

Since the 2016 election, Donald Trump’s behavior has become both more disturbing and yet increasingly familiar. He relies on phrases like, “fake news,” “build the wall,” and continues to spread the divisive mentality of us-vs.-them. He lies constantly, has no conscience, never admits when he is wrong, and projects all of his shortcomings on to others. He has become more authoritarian, more outrageous, and yet many of his followers remain blindly devoted. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and a major Trump supporter, calls him one of the most persuasive people living. His need to squash alternate information and his insistence of constant ego stroking are all characteristics of other famous leaders—cult leaders.

In The Cult of Trump, mind control and licensed mental health expert Steven Hassan draws parallels between our current president and people like Jim Jones, David Koresh, Ron Hubbard, and Sun Myung Moon, arguing that this presidency is in many ways like a destructive cult. He specifically details the ways in which people are influenced through an array of social psychology methods and how they become fiercely loyal and obedient. Hassan was a former “Moonie” himself, and he presents a “thoughtful and well-researched analysis of some of the most puzzling aspects of the current presidency, including the remarkable passivity of fellow Republicans [and] the gross pandering of many members of the press” (Thomas G. Gutheil, MD and professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School).

The Cult of Trump is an accessible and in-depth analysis of the president, showing that under the right circumstances, even sane, rational, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to believe the most outrageous ideas. “This book is a must for anyone who wants to understand the current political climate” (Judith Stevens-Long, PhD and author of Living Well, Dying Well).

 

Quotes From The Cult of Trump:

“Another way to control thoughts is through the use of loaded language, which, as Lifton pointed out, is purposely designed to invoke an emotional response. When I look at the list of thought-controlling techniques—reducing complex thoughts into clichés and platitudinous buzz words; forbidding critical questions about the leader, doctrine, or policy; labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate or evil—it is astounding how many Trump exploits.

[Cult] members learn a new vocabulary that is designed to constrict their thinking into absolute, black-and-white, thought-stopping clichés that conform to group ideology. (“Lock her up” and “Build the Wall” are Trumpian examples. Even his put-downs and nicknames—Crooked Hillary, Pocahontas for Elizabeth Warren—function to block other thoughts. Terms like “deep state” and “globalist” also act as triggers. They rouse emotion and direct attention.)”

“As New York Times columnist Charles Blow observed, “Trump tells his followers about all the things of which they should be afraid, or shouldn’t trust or should hate, and then positions himself as the greatest defense against those things

“. . . . This brings me to an important point and a key aspect of my approach. By attacking or belittling Trump’s followers, political opponents and traditional media may be helping Trump to maintain his influence over his base. In my experience, telling a person that they are brainwashed, that they are in a cult, or that they are following a false god, is doomed to fail. It puts them immediately on the defensive, confirms you are a threat, possibly an enemy, and reinforces their indoctrination. It closes their mind to other perspectives. I’ve seen this happen over and over again. It happened to me when I was in the Moon group. It immediately triggers a person’s mind control programming—including thought stopping and us-versus-them thinking, with you being the ‘them.’”

 

There are lots of articles exploring the popularity of Trump. A bottom line of course being his Populist appeal to folks who feel that their concerns are disregarded by others, especially established elite groups.

I guess you can tell I’m even more fearful these days than I was back in 2016!

Just needed to put my anxiety into words. Thanks for reading . . . and would love to hear your thoughts.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Post-Roe: What’s Going to Happen to the Children?

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                 © Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

So many unknowns!

With the safeguards and dignity of Roe being repealed, how many ways will this affect women’s lives and the lives of partners and families?

What will the far-reaching effects be on reproductive health care for everyone?

 • There is concern by medical practitioners about being unable to access medications used for treating ectopic pregnancies and for miscarriage management.

• There has already been denial of treatment for miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and severe pregnancy complications

 

• There is concern about accessing contraceptives.

A hospital in Missouri stopped providing Plan B and other emergency contraceptives. Then they realized they over-reacted and changed their mind.

• There is concern by those families trying to conceive using in vitro fertilization. They fear this ruling will complicate or even limit the procedures.

• This piece by Vox covers a range of concerns about possible changes in the way of life of many in America.

• From Forbes: Overturning Roe V. Wade: Here’s How It’ll Impact Reproductive Healthcare — Beyond Abortion

• From Time Magazine: The Devastating Implications of Overturning Roe Will Go Far Beyond Abortion Patients

• Experts even warn we can expect increased scrutiny and potential criminalization over pregnancy loss. And some fear there will even be a copy-catting of Oklahoma where recently a 19-year-old was arrested after a miscarriage, charged with manslaughter and sentenced to four years in prison. There was a miscarriage manslaughter indictment for an Alabama woman as well .

 

Remembering The Dangerous and Deadly Pre-Roe Years

I clearly remember the pre-Roe years and how scary and dangerous and deadly it was for pregnant women to seek abortion.

AND I have other memories as well: witnessing how dangerous life often was for the children born — unwanted, unloved and uncared for.

I don’t hear many people talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants after birth when parents feel they are unable to competently cope with unintended pregnancies and there had been little or no right to choose bringing a child into the world.

Maybe the parent wanted to finish school and get a job so they can support their new family.

Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Maybe they were raped or sexually assaulted by a family friend or family member.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

 
I know first-hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade.

I guess I saw just about every type of trauma – rejection, neglect, every possible type of abuse, exploitation and abandonment – you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents neglecting, mistreating or abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they were resented and rejected from birth.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

 

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care? Or the child who lives with emotional/physical/sexual abuse or rage, leading to fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

In the over two decades I was a CPS Social Worker I observed so many instances where parents were incapable of being responsible to the well-being of their children.

Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

It wasn’t surprising to learn that many of these parents had experienced these same behaviors and negative messages from their caretakers when they were young children themselves.

Sometimes they were lucky to have a grandma or great grandma or auntie to model care-taking and caring. But too often not.

I’ll never forget the times I watched a young teen mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging them along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

I knew about young children hurting or burning themselves when they were left unattended for several hours.

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or they were wearing unwashed clothes.

I remember one woman teaching her young daughter to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

One particular memory haunts me the most: One day I showed up for a scheduled appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog two miles to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She decided she didn't want the responsibility of this pet any longer.

She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them.

Thinking about that day decades ago still makes me want to cry.

 

                                © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is defined as "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

The list of possible long-term effects of abuse and neglect is pretty much endless:  there are hundreds of facets and sub-facets of challenges with self-esteem and low self-confidence, fear, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, self-rejection, self-sabotage, taking things too personally and ability to trust in work and personal relationships.

It was my work in CPS that led me to realized the overlay of all abuse and neglect is rejection – and how fear of rejection continues throughout their lives and how trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.”

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. There are 16 categories. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 48 in some states!

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

Too often I knew about tweens and teens who became desperate to escape the abuse or neglect at home. So they became runaways and lived on the streets. Sometimes they were trafficked. Often the young girls became pregnant.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about their unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation.

 

Sometimes the only way to be sure we were protecting a child was by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable, willing relative, placing the child in foster care.

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm or sometimes an appropriate recovery program.

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

When caretakers could not provide a safe environment for their children, the children were often placed in foster care homes and eventually long-term foster care.

 

When I was a Long-term Placement Social Worker and was visiting residential facilities, sometimes I came across some of the same children I had removed years before!

 

Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because it still wasn't safe for them to return home.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: Now with safe abortion being repealed as an option what’s going to happen to the children?

When mothers, who for their own good reasons do not want to bring a child into this world at this time, are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments, with appropriate health care and sufficient nutrition?

How can we be sure these babies will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

And then there is the resentment that  grows and grows. Back in the pre-Roe days when delivering a baby was the only allowable choice, there may not have been obvious neglect or abuse of unwanted children, however there was often resentment permeating lives of families I knew.

I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. Or when the birth of that child interfered with educational or professional dreams.

And too often I saw the stresses of expecting a new baby leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra emotional and financial pressure on family members.

And the present system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be removed from the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

When Adoption is Accompanied By Overwhelming Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment

Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice. 

And there certainly would be a bunch of money to be made for folks in the adoption business.

Sometimes I even find myself wondering if adoption might be a 'follow the money' reason for some people to encourage births of unplanned for and unwanted children.

Have you heard how some state legislators are trying to limit abortion from the moment of conception?  And by the way, considering banning most or all forms of contraception?

Would this mean more full-term pregnancies and more babies available for adoption?

Let's try to be aware that there are many emotional considerations regarding adoption. Considerations which would need to be carefully considered in each situation.

For example, the feelings Andrea Ross expresses so well in Huff Post:  'I Was Adopted Before Roe v. Wade. I Wish My Mother Had Been Given A Choice' 

She points out:  "Psychology research shows that women who relinquish their children frequently exhibit signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. And children who have been relinquished frequently develop relinquishment trauma ― a kind of trauma that 'changes an individual’s brain chemistry and functioning ... and can elevate adrenaline and cortisol and lower serotonin resulting in adoptees feeling hypervigilant, anxious, and depressed.' "

Because my work as a therapist focuses on perceived experiences of rejection, I have heard hundreds of stories over the decades from teen and adult clients who, although they love their adoptive parents, have struggled mightily with feeling abandoned by their birth parent(s).

And stories from the other side too: The lasting guilt often felt at giving up a child.

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

First-hand stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate and dangerous times before Roe. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were intentionally falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using coat hangers to try to induce an abortion.

Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but most of us are aware there were way too many botched back-alley needless deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again as more and more states are in the process of deciding we have to go backwards to that dark place.

On a personal level I feel that with the Supreme Court ruling my sense of privacy and security have been tampered with.

That my personal freedom has been violated.

And that, as a woman, I don’t count as a human being on this planet.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

One more important thought: Clearly lots children who are traumatized develop the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

However, studies show :

– The pain of having experienced parental rejection during childhood frequently extends into adulthood;

– Those who suffered parental rejection in childhood tend to develop difficulties forming trusting relationships in adulthood;

– Neurological studies suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain as does physical pain.

Studies also show a connection between childhood rejection, abuse and neglect and juvenile or adult incarceration.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection, a type of shame – affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

Several years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was based on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally.

This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

My book ‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several of the men one by one came up after class and confided:

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

So my question is: with these recent moves in many states to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly down the road even be charged with a criminal offense themselves?

Some of you may recognize parts of this blog from one I wrote a few years ago. With the recent repeal of Roe I really needed to express these concerns again.     

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

This Time the School Shootings are in Texas

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / ronniechua

 

I’ve been crying a lot lately since the Uvalde Robb Elementary School massacre of 19 students and their teachers ­­– and with every new report of those little 9 and 10 and 11 year olds calling 911 pleading for police to come to Classrooms 111 and 112 to rescue them. And no one listened.

 

And crying again, hearing about the little girl who smeared herself with her dying friend’s blood so she could play dead and survive even though she had bullet fragments in her body.

 

And tears came again upon hearing how the police did not enter the classrooms until 78 minutes after the gunman begun shooting – while children lay dead and dying from devastating wounds to their faces and heads from the assault rifle.

 

So writing this is a way for me to try to make some sense out of the senselessness that is so disturbing.

 

I’ve worked with traumatized children for several decades as a Child Protective Services Social Worker and I’ve seen the damage they endure.

 

As a psychotherapist in private practice I’ve seen the extent of these traumas over the long-term in the adults who come into therapy to work on the many repercussions from their early experiences.

 

We address the anxiety and depression arising from when the cortisol and adrenaline went haywire during those early scary times. And continue to go haywire again and again.

 

I cry when I think of the struggles these surviving children will be having in their future.

 

Dr. Roy Guerrero Uvalde’s only pediatrician foresees these overwhelming struggles as well in his CNN interview:

Here area few parts of Danielle Campoamor’s interview:

The only pediatrician serving Uvalde, Texas, revealed to "TODAY" what it was like to treat the wounded of the Robb Elementary School shooting. He shared their horrific survivor stories.

 

Dr. Roy Guerrero, who was born and raised in Uvalde and attended Robb Elementary School as a child, was at lunch with his staff Tuesday when he started getting frantic texts.

 

“I called the hospital, Uvalde Memorial, to ask if they needed me, and they said, ‘Yes, get over here right now.’” Guerrero raced to the hospital.

 

“The most horrible part, I guess, was just seeing parents I knew outside screaming, asking me to look for their kids. You never really get that out of your head.”

 

Guerrero treated eight children that day.  He lost five of them.

 

“The children were in hysterics at first,” he said. “But when they saw a familiar face — because I’ve known them for so long — I was able to calm them down. 

 

As Guerrero made his rounds in the hospital, treating the wounded and identifying the victims, he heard a familiar voice cry out to him.

 

“I heard, ‘Hey, Dr. G!” he said. Guerrero turned to find an 11-year-old girl he has treated since she was a newborn.

 

The young girl was in the fourth grade classroom where 19 of her classmates and two of her teachers were shot and killed. She had bullet fragments in her shoulder.

 

“She said she saw people being shot and falling dead. Her best friend was next to her, so she grabbed some of her blood that was coming out of her, smeared it on herself and played dead on the floor,” he said. “

 

As she’s doing this, her teacher ... who got shot and was throwing up blood, told her, ‘I don’t want to die, call 911,’ and threw the phone to her. I guess the guy saw the phone and shot the phone but didn’t see her move. So she continued to play dead.”

 

Guerrero saw the 11-year-old the next day for a follow-up appointment.“She was literally shaking,” he said. “She already has PTSD, and we just got out of this.”

 

“In clinic the next day, all I heard was: ‘I’m afraid he’s coming for me. I’m afraid he’s going to come get me at my house.’ The kids were telling me that. I was hearing that the whole day,” he said. “I’m telling you this is going to be a mental health crisis for our community.”

 

Guerrero worries that the child survivors will live in fear for the rest of their lives. It’s a fear, he says, that could even be passed down to their children if something doesn’t change.

 

Guerrero said the severity of the survivors’ wounds varied. There were minor cuts and bruises on children who climbed out busted-out windows to safety. Others had shrapnel injuries

 

As the hours went on, it became apparent that some of the parents outside weren’t going to find their children alive.

 

Guerrero was instructed to be in the front of the receiving area to immediately help the other patients the hospital was expecting.

 

“We were supposed to have 14 more kids show up, and they wanted me to triage them.”

 

The 14 children never arrived. “We knew what that meant.”

 

“I asked the hospital to show me the bodies,” The deceased children Guerrero viewed…will never leave his mind.

 

“It was awful,” he said. “It was a high-power rifle injury. These are war wounds. It’s as if things exploded once the bullets hit the bodies.”

 

What causes this rage?

I just received an email from a long-time reader, a teacher who was sharing her observations over 3 decades about angry, acting-out children.

 

She asks:  “What are the root causes of this "rage"? I am talking about kids who suddenly look like human volcanoes. Watching a nine year old with such uncontrollable anger, many of the teachers sometimes wondered if these children would someday return and "shoot up" the school.” 

 

I’ve asked myself this question many times.

And here’s what I come up with: ”Rage is Anger with a History”^TM

 

Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past which intrude into the present situation. 

 

A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past. 


 

It Starts with Feeling 'Dissed' – Usually in the form of Bullying

Before we know it we're taking something personally. An out-of-control response gets triggered, and we find ourselves having runaway reactions to present day situations.  


 

When we're feeling vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we often tend to protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and sometimes engage in aggressive behaviors.

 

We act out our rage on the offending person who often doesn’t have a clue that we are most likely retaliating against all the bullies from our childhood. 


 

We become outraged, then enraged. One minute feeling like a victim. The next, becoming victimizer. Wanting to get back at the person who is treating us badly. Trying to out-bully the bullies.

 

Holding grudges is especially eroding. This kind of resentment takes up so much space in personal or work relationships that there is no longer room for connection.

Before we know it, behaving badly. How can this be happening? How can we be behaving so outrageously? 



 

We might ask:

Why are young adult males more impulsive, reckless and and prone to violence then other age groups?   (See Washington Post link below)

Does being mistreated as a child breed the desire to do the same diminishing/scapegoating behavior to someone else?

What does it take for anger to turn into rage-filled violence?

Does it feel empowering to humiliate and bully others through violent, brutal acts?

 

Early negative events collect in our memory. Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.

 

When a similar event happens in the present and awakens similar feelings, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

Before we know it, we are overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

 

So what we know about Salvador Ramos’ early history illustrates these ideas.

Family and friends have also said that he had a difficult home life, that he was bullied over a childhood speech impediment and that he lashed out violently towards both friends, strangers, and his mother – both recently and over the years.

 

They recall: in middle school and junior high for his stutter and lisp. Considering himself Ramos’ best friend in eighth grade, Stephen Garcia said he had a difficult school experience.

 

“He would get bullied hard, like bullied by a lot of people,” one friend  told The Post. “Over social media, over gaming, over everything.

 

They played shooter - survivor video games such as “Fortnite” and “Call of Duty.”

 

His mother remembers around five fistfights involving Ramos in middle school and junior high. Any friendships he managed to form didn’t last long, she added.

She said he once told a friend who wanted to join the Marines that he only had that goal because then he would be able to kill people. The boy ended the friendship then and there.

 

Rage is 'Anger with a History'^TM

Rage is an emotion beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, and reflects ‘now’ feelings, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past, which intrude into the present situation. 

 

I can’t help but wonder if Salvador Ramos was bullied in elementary school as well as in Middle School and High School that his friends describe. Maybe had the same lisp and stutter back when he was 10 years old.  Could his elementary school years have been at Robb Elementary?

 

On a personal note:

I’m experiencing a massive dose of PTSD as my memories resurface again of spending many early morning hours on the radio with Denver/Boulder residents processing and mourning the Columbine school massacre 20 years ago.

 

And the visceral anxiety happened again, 10 years ago, Sandy Hook Elementary School and again 4 years ago with Stoneman Douglas High School.

 

Sharing some quotes which have been helpful:

 

Uvalde native Jon Voight visited and said:

“This is not about healthy human beings serving the country with arms to bear or even the right of this constitution for bearing arms … We must identify every individual for their credentials, for their mental capacity to bear arms."

He continued, "There should be proper qualifications for gun ownership and proper testing. One should only own a gun if they’re qualified and schooled …”

Uvalde native Matthew McConaughey also visited:

“Once again we have tragically proven that we are failing to be responsible for the rights our freedoms grant us,” McConaughey wrote. “The true call to action now is for every American to take a longer and deeper look in the mirror, and ask ourselves, ‘What is it that we truly value? How do we repair the problem? What small sacrifices can we individually take today, to preserve a healthier and safer nation, state, and neighborhood tomorrow?’ We cannot exhale once again, make excuses, and accept these tragic realities as the status quo.”

https://www.cnn.com/2022/05/26/us/uvalde-texas-elementary-school-shooting-thursday/

 

Thom Hartmann wrote on Memorial Day: “The soldiers we remember on Memorial Day fought and died to protect freedom for Americans. A nation cowering in fear of mass shootings is not free.”

A Nation Cowering in Fear of Mass Shootings Is Not Free

https://buzzflash.com/articles/thom-hartmann-a-nation-cowering-in-fear-of-mass-shootings-is-not-free

 

I find hope in Vu Le’s writing about coping with pain and despair:

"How do we grieve when every week there are multiple mass shootings? The pain and injustice has been relentless.

 

"I know so many of you are also feeling hopeless and despondent right now. We are not built to endure this much despair for this long.

 

"I find comfort in these words below by poet, author, and psychoanalyst Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. I appreciate the whole essay, “We Were Made for These Times,” and recommend you read it in its entirety. But these sentences in particular spoke to me:

'Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.'"

https://nonprofitaf.com/2022/05/how-do-we-cope-with-so-much-pain-and-despair/

 

And I see humanity in what a San Antonio friend just told me about Dr. Roy Guerrero: He has provided space in his pediatric office for a counseling center to offer grief counseling in Uvalde..

 

Some Facts According to CNN:   

The massacre marked the deadliest US school shooting in nearly a decade and was at least the 30th school shooting at a K-12 school in 2022. And where active shooter attacks jumped more than 50% last year

 

More from Uvalde's only pediatrician:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/uvaldes-only-pediatrician-shares-horror-treating-school-shooting-victi-rcna31045

 

More about Salvador Ramos childhood/family:

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/crime/texas-school-shooter-salvador-ramos-family-b2091598.html

 

Why Many Mass Shooters are Angry Young Men

https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/06/03/why-so-many-mass-shooters-young-angry-men/

 

It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/05/its_not_easy_be.html

 

Fear, Anger, Outrage

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/03/fear-anger-and-outrage.html

 

What Happens When Kids Experience a Traumatic Event?

https://www.yahoo.com/gma/happens-kids-experience-traumatic-event-214750326.html

 

The Many Faces of Survivor Guilt

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/survivor-guilt/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Welcoming your observations and feelings and comments . . .

You can send me an email at [email protected] or Comment on www.TipsFromtheQueenofRejection.com . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

How Can Putin Save Face?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / AndreyPopov

 

I’ve been thinking a whole lot lately about 'Saving Face' as world-wide tensions are mounting after attacks on civilians and cities in the Ukraine.

There have been opinion pieces and several TV talking heads pondering just how Putin can feel he is saving face and can he make a graceful exit? Will he agree to negotiate a peaceful resolution or will he fight to the bitter end even if that means Russia goes down in flames as well. 

And now it seems every day heads of state are publicly shaming Putin. Sending him off to sit in the corner.

 

And Putin again and again puffs himself up, attacking Ukrainian cities and killing adults and children.

Here’s how this kind of bully behavior works:

Bullies are usually not feeling very good about themselves. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable. Maybe all of the above.

When the bully inflates himself and takes up all that space, it is with the intention of diminishing his opponent. Putin’s need to diminish, shrivel and devastate Ukraine is pretty apparent here. But along with his acts Putin is at the same time losing respect from much of the world (and very possibly losing self-respect.)

 

I’m wondering if somehow we could offer Putin the opportunity to save face and  save his honor, this war could end. If we could only point him to a graceful exit, could we find a workable solution?

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of 'Managing Face'

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I blogged about it almost a decade ago. Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’:

 

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Do you remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss.  "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

Putin and world heads of state also appear to be engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

 

Lots of press lately about what to do about saving face and Honor:

Yahoo:       We should give Putin a face-saving way out of this war'

Fox News:  Russia is trying to save face after being embarrassed in Ukraine

BBC News: Ukraine: Putin will search for a way to save face - BBC News

 

More info about 'Managing Face':

http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Let’s have a dialogue – what are your ideas for saving face in this terrible situation between Russia and the Ukraine.

What are our own experiences?

You can send me an email at [email protected] or Comment below. . .

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Bullying and Disrespect: the Supreme Court Hearings and on the Oscars Stage

by Elayne Savage, PhD

         ©Can Stock Photo / gina_sanders

 

When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

And that feeling sure took over during the last few days watching the confirmation hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson and watching Chris Rock tease and make a joke at Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense with husband Will Smith defending her honor and feelings and bullying back by slapping him across the face!  

Bullying is the intentional use of power over
another person to humiliate that person or make
them feel rejected and ‘less than.’

These are some common bully behaviors:

Accusing

Arrogant

Insulting

Coercive

Discrediting

Discounting

Demeaning

Slighting

Belittling

Mocking

Criticizing

Baiting

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Condescending

Interrupting

Shaming

Smearing

Spreading rumors

‪Excluding

Offending

Scorning

Contemptuous

Name-calling

Teasing

Sarcasm

Taunting

Verbal battering

Picking fights

Assaulting, ‪shoving

Taking cheap shots

The “can’t you take a joke” variety – at someone’s expense.

 

These kinds of behaviors can feel hurtful and rejecting even when they are not malicious.

 

Can you add to the list through your observations or personal experiences?

There were a wide variety of these bullying behaviors at the Judge Jackson's Senate Judiciary hearings. I was stunned at the barrage of disrespect, bigotry and hostility directed at Judge Jackson. It actually seemed to me as if some of the Senators might be feeling threatened by the fact that she is a brilliant, educated, accomplished Black woman.

Then just a few days later we saw the teasing ‘can’t you take a joke’ variety of bullying by Chris Rock and the boundary-less defensive reaction by Will Smith that it caused at the Oscars ceremony.

With the onslaught of all these bullying happenings, no wonder I was having a PTSD-like experience.

 

A Major Truth About Bullies

The Judicial Committee Senators behavior illustrates a major truth about most bullies:

The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him or herself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable.

So to feel better about themselves they take a 'tough' stance and puff themselves up by trying to diminish the other person.

Another thing: bullies need an audience.

And some bullies lack empathy. Because they seem not to have a conscience they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.

The discomfort I was feeling about the Judge Jackson confirmation hearing was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, and the constant rude interrupting of the candidate’s answers. 

However I think for me the most unsettling aspects of the questioning was the undercurrent of hateful anger and the obvious grandstanding at the expense of Judge Jackson in order to enhance the Senators visibility and to positively influence future office-seeking. 

 

It Starts in the Sandbox



I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:  

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it 
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another.

The 
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do?  
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend 
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”



Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, 
belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

But rejection 
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in 
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect 
which we perceive as rejection.


 

Bullied Much of My Life

 You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces  — and I was an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.

One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to these recent bullying instances was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears associated with them. Memories of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me, or spit at me.

Yes, spit. That's what my next door neighbors did –

They spit across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. as they called us ‘Dirty Jews.” And their teenage son Johnny used to block me with his bike in the alley and threaten to beat me up.

How sad and confusing for me at 7 years old – I really liked Marian, the little girl who lived in that house next door. We would spend hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to popular songs.

And Marian taught me the words to

"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 My bambino kook-a la goombah 
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 my bambino go to sleep!" 

This lullaby still lives in my head.

And I’ll always remember the day Marian and I took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.

Sadly these pleasant experiences became a little more tarnished each time her parents spit at me or my family, acting like they hated us.

Even in college I was bullied when a sorority sister repeatedly ‘cobwebbed’ my lower bunk bed by tightly stretching thread from post to post so on the dark sleeping porch when I climbed into bed, the thread would cut my skin.

I’ve done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.

After the show the cameraman came up to me and asked if I was OK and tried to reassure me I did fine in spite of the bullying.

 I don’t get bullied so much any more or at least the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful even when unintentional.

 

Different Degrees of Resilience

Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves:

- Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice

- Misunderstanding what someone says or means

- Getting on each others nerves

- Overreacting to perceived slights

- Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally

 

Let’s face it; some of us are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.

The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.

It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed and this could have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about the safety of our world and our ability to trust the people in it.

 

Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries

Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have a much of a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like.

If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?

If you are unable to notice and recognize your own inappropriate behavior, how can you choose to change it?

For most of us on the receiving end, bullying is disrespectful and rejecting behavior.

 

Here’s a reprint of my Diss List

 

I would love to have a dialogue with you about all of this . . .

Regarding the Chris Rock/Will Smith debacle: there have been several angles for reflection on the backstories. I know from my work as a social worker and psychotherapist there are some points worth considering in this piece from the Harvard Gazette: Wait — what if Will Smith was just being a man?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Waiting and Waiting to Hear: “Thank You for Your Good Work!”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / 72soul

A workplace consultation client, let’s call him Mel, and I were taking a deep dive into how often he feels unappreciated for his creativity and contributions at work.

 

We were exploring how disappointed he was by not being validated for his major contributions to four projects that won 5 impressive awards in his field. “I was the sole Instructional Designer on 3 of those projects.”

 

Since I had just been interviewed on professional rejection by the Washington Post’s The Lily outlet, I offered to send him the just published piece.  

 

https://www.thelily.com/everyone-gets-rejected-heres-what-our-readers-learned-from-their-toughest-ones/

 

His response was to say he was struck by how many folks in the sample told stories about how rejection spurred them on to bigger and better successes.

 

Mel realized a High School rejection experience had the opposite effect for him when he wasn’t selected for a National Merit Award. “I decided I would never receive any outside validation because I wasn’t good enough at anything else except doing well on standardized tests.”

 

“I craved validation, I needed to feel legitimized! And I hoped getting that Merit Award would give me a sense of accomplishment.”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / izakowski

 

“Guess I’m still wanting that respect! When my company won those 5 awards no one from upper management reached out to me to say, “Thank you for your good work. That’s a real benefit to our company.”

 

Instead, silence.

 

And sometimes don’t most of us need to feel recognized, legitimized, appreciated, respected?

 

Mel’s reflections got me thinking about my own High School days when I felt Invisible. Unrecognized. Insignificant. Inconsequential. Unappreciated.

 

And I recalled how frequently these early rejecting experiences seemed to follow me into the workplace. There have been so many times when I was hoping someone would pat me on the head and say, “Atta girl!”

 

Most of us have a need to feel worthy and appreciated for who we are and what we do.

 

I encourage workplace and psychotherapy clients to ‘walk alongside themselves’ and observe (without judgment) how their early messages and experiences of disappointment and rejection might be reflected in their present day professional (and personal) experiences.

 

By discovering what those early messages have been and how they might be influencing present-day interactions, we can step back and choose to try out new approaches.

 

There are many facets of rejection and self-rejection. For many of us feeling disrespected usually leads the list. There are all kinds of flavors of feeling ‘dissed’ so I created a ‘Diss List’ of ways we might tend to feel dissed, feel rejected, get our feelings hurt and take something personally:

 

How many of these feelings do you recognize?

 

Can you think of other “diss” feelings we can add to the list?

 

Do you have a story to tell about your own experience with feeling accepted or disappointed and rejected?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

A Rejection Refresher Course for the New Year

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

                                                                                © Can Stock Photo / artursz

 

 

So I’m thinking a useful way to end the year is recapping some talking points about rejection, hurt feelings and taking things personally included in past blogs from the last 15 years.

 

Prevention Magazine recently featured some of my ideas along with the wise observations of Matt Lundquist the Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.

 

And a recent piece in the Atlanta Journal Constitution has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about these challenges  many times and the paper links to a blog from 2019.

 

So I’m reprinting these two features –sort of a Special Edition Rejection Cliff Notes.

 

Let me know the ways you might find these useful. . .

 

Tips From Prevention Magazine . . .

 

6 Tips for Dealing With Rejection, According to Experts

You’re not just sensitive—rejection hurts and we have the science to prove it.

By Micaela Bahn

 

https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a38175548/how-to-get-over-rejection/

 

Hooray! You took a risk and put yourself out there. But after all of that emotional effort, it didn’t go as planned, and now you’re feeling just a bit wounded. Everyone deals with rejection at one point or another, so it’s no secret–rejection hurts. Whatever business we start, serious relationship we pursue, or personal risk we take, the risk of a defeating “no” looms large over our actions. Fear of rejection is completely normal, and the good news is plenty of happy, successful people have faced rejection and come out better for it.

 

So, why does it seem like some people are better at dealing with it than others? Sometimes, it’s about how you frame the setback. “Rejection hurts, in part, because one of the most fundamental human fears is abandonment, ” say’s Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and Founder and Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.

 

Likewise, we frequently misinterpret rejection and consider it an indicator of our self-worth, especially if it’s attached to a rejection we experienced early in life, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., LMFT, and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. “Rejection messages, direct or indirect, intentional or not, leave bruises on self-esteem and security in both our personal and workplace relationships.”

 

The sting of rejection can be painful enough to make us never want to take the risk again, especially when we’ve put our emotions on the line. But if we take rejection as the end-all-be-all, we miss out on so many of the wonderful and surprising opportunities life has to offer. Fortunately, there are a few tangible steps you can take to help change your frame of mind so that the burn doesn’t last. Here’s why rejection hurts so much and some expert-approved tips for moving forward and finding emotional strength.

 

1. Know there’s a reason that rejection hurts

The term ‘sting of rejection’ isn’t just an apt turn of phrase for hurt feelings. Your brain actually registers the pain of rejection as a physical wound, so don’t think of yourself as overly sensitive.

 

In a study published in Science, researchers used fMRI’s to determine that rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. Their theory as to why: Our social bonds help promote survival. “We are fundamentally social creatures,” says Lundquist. “This isn't merely a preference—we depend on one another to survive. On a primal level, being cast out of a family or group is synonymous with death.”

 

Evolution aside, our reaction to social rejection is also impacted by our attachment styles, or our unique way of relating to others in a relationship. Learning to attach and to confidently detach is something we develop in childhood, explains Lundquist. In healthy attachment styles, children learn to tolerate the unpleasantness of being separate from a parent and, eventually, from other love objects. So, rejection is a particularly unpleasant form of detachment.

 

2. Process your feelings

Now that you know the pain isn’t just in your head, it’s time to identify and process all of the feelings that come with it. Give yourself permission to feel the full scope of your emotions. It’s important to put any sense of loss in perspective, says Savage. Here are a couple of check-in questions and coping tools that she offers patients:

 

• Ask yourself, ‘Am I taking this personally?’
• Ask yourself, ‘What old messages might be impacting these feelings of rejection?’
• Mindfully notice your feelings and reactions (mindfulness means without judgment!).
• Give a voice to your feelings—speak your feelings out loud or write them down.

 

Each of these exercises can help untangle our present feelings. “It’s critical to recognize our early rejection messages from childhood, how we dealt with them, and how they have affected our current worldview,” Savage explains. If we recognize these feelings and reactions, we can choose to change them.

 

3. Understand where the rejection came from

Take a deep breath because it’s time to do the scary work of exploring our own role in the rejection (again, without judgment!). One major pitfall in relationships is that we sometimes don’t communicate what we want clearly. Ask yourself: Was I asking someone to read my mind, and do I feel disappointed? Savage notes that in our need to protect ourselves from rejection, we may leave blanks for someone else to fill in.

 

Similarly, our insecurities can also lead us to perceive something as rejection when it’s actually not. “​​If we don’t clarify meaning, it can often lead to hurt feelings, taking something personally, anger and resentment,” says Savage. This “clarifying,” can be internal or in conversation with the other party. For instance, you asked your boss for a promotion and they told you you aren’t quite ready. Instead of taking this personally and giving up on that hope for your future, think of it as an opportunity to find out what your boss needs from you to beready.

 

A quick and easy check-in strategy you can try with interpersonal relationships, from Savage:

1. This is what I heard you say ___________.
2. Is it what you said?
3. Is it what you meant?

 

There are certainly times we shouldn’t delve further into the rejection conversation. But if the situation allows for it and it feels right, this strategy can work to fix communication breakdowns and save your unnecessary hurt.

 

4. Avoid unproductive rumination

 

At the same time, be kind to yourself in your reflection! We have a tendency to be our own worst critics. But ruminating for hours on everything you did wrong may overgeneralize the situation or discourage you from taking future risks—just because you didn’t get this job, doesn’t mean you’ll never get a job. “Some of the biggest challenges patients face when processing rejection are the tendency to self-blame and spend way too much energy on catastrophizing the situation,” Savage explains. Instead, try to take a more objective standpoint in your assessment and move on to what’s next.

 

5. Take stock of what you can learn

Allow yourself to frame the situation as an experience you can grow from. For example, you want to take a romantic relationship to a more serious level, but your partner does not. Sure, this can be related to your role in the relationship, but the other person may also have a hard time with commitment. “What can you learn about what didn't work in the relationship?” Lundquist asks. “Are there ways you need to grow as a person? If there is a history of attachment trauma or unhealthy attachment, say to unavailable people, you want to bring that to therapy.” Not only will this give you perspective, but it will also help you avoid pitfalls in the future.

 

6. Surround yourself with positivity

No matter the “size” of the rejection, whether it’s at work or home, it can still have a negative impact on our sense of self-worth. Mediate that response by reminding yourself of your strengths. Studies show that practicing affirmations can decrease stress, increase well-being, improve academic performance, and makes people more open to behavior change. It can also help bring an end to that troublesomerumination. If you need a list of affirmations to get your creative juices flowing, here are 40 examples from Kaiser Permanente.

 

You can also do activities that help boost your mood, affirm your self-worth, and do them with those who care about you. “It's important to get support from caring people when going through a hard time, and that also goes for rejection,” says Lundquist.

 

7. Redirect your thoughts on moving forward

You’ve faced rejection and survived it, now don’t let it hold you back from life! How will you apply what you learned to the future? What life advice did the situation give you? The best part of rejection is looking forward and learning not to be so hard on yourself in the future. “Moving on can mean finding the courage to try again, whether that’s going up for another promotion or asking someone out for coffee,” Savage says.

 

Micaela Bahn is a freelance editorial assistant and recent graduate from Carleton College, where she majored in English literature.

 

And from the Atlanta Journal Constitution . . .

 

This recent piece has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about this many times over the last 15 years and I’m glad the paper included some of my ideas!

 

Don’t Get Your Feelings Hurt This Christmas

 

https://www.ajc.com/things-to-do/atlanta-winter-guide/dont-get-your-feelings-hurt-this-christmas/VQ2NDVEWTFFSFKF66GQJCIYSZ4/

A really helpful any-time primer on how to deal with disappointments and to not take things so personally!

 

Wishing you a New Year filled with all good things!

 

Image by Gerd Altmann, Pixabay

 

Until Next month,

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Feeling Left Behind

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

 

Yesterday I heard Matt Zeller, a founder of No One Left Behind passionately speaking about the first planeload of 221 Afghan interpreters and their families arriving in Virginia –  the first wave of evacuees under the Special Immigrant Visa Program.

 

Zeller asks: “Do we have the courage and conviction to do what is necessary here?

 

We have to do it honorably.  We have the ability to save them – they don’t have the ability to save themselves. It is up to us.”

 

There have been some touching first person experiences about Afghan interpreters who have saved many lives and now their families lives are in danger from the Taliban.

 

No One Left Behind, cofounded by Afghanistan combat veteran Matt Zeller and interpreter Janis Shinwari, helps endangered interpreters and their families immigrate to the United States. Shinwari saved countless American lives, including Zeller’s in Afghanistan.

https://nooneleft.org/

 

Eliot Ackerman, a former Marine and intelligence officer who served five tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan describes his re-connection with his Afghan interpreter, Ali.

https://amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/619151/.

 

And more interpreter evacuee information:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/first-afghan-interpreters-their-families-arrive-in-the-u-s-on-special-visas

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2021/07/30/afghan-interpreters-evacuations/

 

I have been aware for quite a while that the Taliban has threatened Afghan interpreters. Matt Zeller states “If you worked for the Americans for even a day — leads to a death sentence for you and your family by Taliban.”

 

Now, with the Taliban advancing into territories as the Americans withdraw, this fear becomes more real every day.

 

So I’ve been pretty distressed about the seemingly hopeless situation of the interpreters and their families who will be left behind. I kept thinking that my degree of distress seems more complex. What’s going on here?

 

Then I knew! I have a long-time relationship with a fear of being left behind.  I have heard scores of ‘left behind’ stories from therapy and workplace clients, workshop participants, colleagues and friends.

 

Some of My Feeling ‘Left Behind’ Experiences

Here we go:

In 2^nd grade in DC they did away with mid-year so we were either placed forward a grade or back based on our birthdates. I was placed forward since I had just missed the deadline cutoff. The third grade class had already learned cursive and more challenging math and I felt really left behind in my abilities. I began to doubt myself. 

 

My good friend was placed back a grade and was so upset about it, feeling and “dumb” and very left behind.

 

I’ve heard many classroom moved forward and moved back stories over the years. Both situations can have such long-term effects on us.

 

As the daughter of a ‘stage mother’ I was always afraid I wouldn’t be chosen for a part in a play and that I would disappoint her.

 

I am clear now that I decided to go back to school for a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology because several of my coworkers were chosen to attend an in-house graduate program. My feeling left behind spurred me on to attend a private Psychology graduate school! 

 

I can see how these ‘left behind’ experiences are very connected to my rejection issues of feeling ‘left out’ which have plagued me into my adult years.

 

Other Voices

 

A woman I know grew up in a family where she was told college was “not for her” because of her learning disability.  One day her mom and sister said to her—‘it is time to accept your life is over and to find a husband in the town and settle and have kids.”  She clearly did not feel heard or acknowledged by her family.

 

After many years of feeling left behind by her peers who had already graduated college or graduate school, she decided as an adult to start community college and transfer to the University. She is determined to graduate. Her resiliency is amazing. Through self advocacy she tirelessly pursued effective communication accommodations that include Communication Access Realtime Translation (CART) captioning and transcription services.

 

“When I decided to begin college with the help of the new Americans with Disabilities Act technology law  to get CART Captioning and  transcription services, I found my accommodation needs were not being heard and recognized and acknowledged by the school and the department that was supposed to provide these to me. So almost daily I was left behind the class because I was unable to complete my reading and assignments.

 

The dread of being left behind is constantly recreated by the University’s inability to provide adequate accommodations for me and I am regularly not feeling heard or acknowledged — just as it was in my family!

 

Again I watched everyone pass me up and graduate and move on with their lives.

 

“This is deeply sad and painful to face the reality that not only did I try to go to college once and twice and people are passing me by and graduating that are younger than me. My completion of classes and graduation keeps getting postponed because of the University’s inability to provide acceptable and timely transcription services and CART captioning to me."

 

I’ve heard many stories about clients not feeling they can start college or specialized training because they believe or had been told by family or high school teachers they lack the skills. 

 

One student summed it up pretty well: “Being left behind is like the ultimate rejection. Being left behind means feeling despair because of missing emotional support and perhaps financial support from your family.”

 

Another student describes:

Lack of family support feels like rejection and makes you question yourself. It's unfortunate but this kind of stuff can really make you dwell and take you down the road of depression. It's a Dark Road. 

 

Several students painfully remember how they were told they lack the skills and abilities. They were also told "That's a pipe dream - Be realistic."

 

When Separations Can Feel Like Being Left Behind

. . . and Abandonment

 

Lots of stories too about when families are no longer intact and the separation arrangements might lead to children feeling ‘left behind.’ 

 

Or feeling ‘left behind’ when a good friend moves across town or across the country. Especially if you did not receive much of a warning. This sort of thing happens all too often.

 

It does seem like abandonment fears may sometimes arise from certain ‘left behind’ experiences.

 

So many types of ‘left behind’ experiences.

Do you have one to tell as well? Would really love to hear your stories.

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Disloyalty, Betrayal and Secrets, Too

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / Elnur

 

Loyalty and Betrayal (and Secrets, too) have been a popular topic with friends, colleagues and clients lately. There must be something in the air.

Topics of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets have captured my interest for decades – they have such a strong connection to the many facets of Rejection.

So I’m excited about Jonathan Karl’s soon-to-be-published book Betrayal, due out in November!

In graduate school, I was totally intrigued by Invisible Loyalties, by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, focusing on how loyalty and betrayal messages travel throughout the generations in our families.

More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger

 

He describes an invisible ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.  

My first reaction: OMG that’s my family! I have never thought about things this way.

There are so many messages we take on in our growing up years. Messages about our world, the people in our world, our sense of safety and security in our world and our ability to trust.

And experiences with the disappointments of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets can big time affect our ability to trust.

I see it this way: Too often we might find ourselves feeling disappointed in people or events.                                      And all too often, Disappointment feels like Rejection.

 

When Disloyalty Rears Its Ugly Head

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

Some folks even encourage others to choose sides. And because blind support becomes a proof of loyalty to them, if it is absent they they feel betrayed and take it personally.

Sometimes in interactions with other there is just no room for mistakes – even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of disloyalty and emphasizing what a bad person that person is.

Some folks seem to have a need to lash out and punish others for a mis-step, kind of like when a dog has an 'accident,’ rubbing its nose in it "to teach a lesson."

Then again, sometimes it emanates from being vindictive and retaliating in just plain mean-spiritedness

Are there other kinds of Disloyalty experiences you are aware of?

 

Making Someone ‘Bad and Wrong’

 

Wrapped up in our need to make others bad and wrong might be connected to our inability to take responsibility for our thoughts or actions.

Some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

And if we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this can lead to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

 

Psychological Projection

 

So basically Psychological Projection is a tendency to mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because these disowned parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us.

Projection is how many people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

(For more on Psychological Projection, see link below)

 

The ‘Attack-Defend’ Dynamic

 

When we feel a finger is pointed and we feel criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. And the Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Shaming

Smearing

Scorning

You may recognize these responses as rejecting behaviors.

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, try to remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

• It helps to put things in perspective by asking yourself:

       Am I taking this personally? How?

       Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

       Am I feeling rejected in some way?

       Where did this reaction come from?

          Is it something “old”?

         (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

• Try repeating:

      "This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves.

      What might they be saying?“ Could they be coming from a place of fear and needing to protect themselves?

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be? Is it superimposing onto your present experience?

The context and people may be very different from what is happening now, however the experience continues to reside in your neural pathways and becomes visceral.

• Can you remind yourself to try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you are creating some distance? So you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting.

• By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options for your reactions.

 

‘Make a Choice to Make a Change'

 

Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. You can ‘make a choice to make a change.’

More on Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Air Rage - Who Gave Permission for Such Bad Behavior?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

CanStock Photo / rogistok

What a disturbing nationwide trend air rage has become! And this latest incident is shocking –– someone didn’t want to follow the rules so she knocked out two teeth of a flight attendant.

A statement from Southwest says she had "repeatedly ignored standard inflight instructions and became verbally and physically abusive upon landing." She is now banned from Southwest flights for life. 

I’m fascinated by rages and over the last couple of decades I’ve written about and been interviewed on many types: air rage and road rage and movie rage and fast food rage and shopping mall rage, and birthday party rage.

 

My blogs about air rage date back to 2010:

Outbursts of Outrage – Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?

Does Air Rage Reflect These Outrageous Times?

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

 

Also some blogs about various other rages in the news:

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/rage/

One of my favorites is  Fear, Anger and Outrage

 

Far too many outbursts have resulted in serious injuries and deaths of innocent bystanders. Yet when I re-read many of the earlier incidents I’m stunned at what seemed outrageous a few years ago seems tame to me now –– when compared to the massive outrageousness of recent behavior.

 

This month, the Federal Aviation Administration warned air travelersthat there has been a spike in disorderly or dangerous behavior aboard passenger planes.

 

According to the FAA: ”In a typical year, the transportation agency sees 100 to 150 formal cases of bad passenger behavior. But since the start of this year, the agency said, the number of reported cases has jumped to 1,300, an even more remarkable number since the number of passengers remains below pre-pandemic levels.”

However when the passengers who refuse to comply with the federal mask mandate are added in, the figure reaches 2,500!  

 

The San Diego Union-Tribune observes: 

“Bad behavior on commercial flights is not a new phenomenon.

But now it has become a national concern.

Unruly and sometimes violent passengers have become more frequent, disrupting flights and injuring airline employees, according to the Federal Aviation Administration, longtime flight attendants and pilots.

That coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. 

The sense of entitlement is hard to miss. 

Many of the disputes erupt over requirements to wear masks in an effort to limit the spread of COVID-19 — whether on an airliner, in a restaurant or at a coffee shop.

Often bearing the brunt of customer anger over the rules are flight attendants, restaurant servers, store clerks and other front-line service industry employees who already are at greater risk of becoming infected by the coronavirus than other workers. 

Being abusive to people who a) didn’t make the rules and b) are trying to help get you what you came for or where you’re going is beyond unfair.

Then there’s the selfish disregard for potentially endangering the health of people nearby, never mind ruining their flight or meal, by being a jerk.

It’s hard to quantify these incidents involving masks because they aren’t all reported and there’s nothing to compare them to pre-pandemic. Certainly, amplification through news reports and social media can make them seem common. The reality is, most everyone does the right thing. The vast majority of people who fly on planes and eat at restaurants are game to follow the rules for the service they are getting.

Unfortunately, some aren’t.”

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/columnists/story/2021-05-30/column-trouble-in-the-skies-mirrors-obstinance-to-rules-on-the-ground?_amp=true

 

Getting Upset, Overreacting and Lashing Out . . .

 

I’m noticing I’m getting angry easier and lashing out more than usual with the stress of the pandemic and isolation. Colleagues, friends and clients are reporting the same kinds of stressful interactions. I, too, find myself easily irritated. I even yelled at my cat the other day. Well, no, actually I screamed at her.

 

Do you, too, find yourself becoming more reactive than in ‘normal ‘times?

 

Let’s take a look at overreacting. All too often we take something personally and overreact when something hurtful is said to us or we  feel blamed or slighted or personally attacked. We may get defensive when people don't see things our way, we might  see others as “wrong” and “bad” and we might tend to turn the situation into “us” and “them.” 

 

When we take something personally, it is usually because we are overly sensitive to what somebody says or does OR what they neglect to say or do. The bottom line is we feel disrespected in some way.

 

Feeling “dissed” can stir up hurt feelings which may turn into anger and resentment. All too often anger turns into rage. 

 

Rage is an oversized step beyond anger and I see an important distinction: anger is connected to the present, rage is rooted in the past. It bursts forth when a situation in the present triggers profound emotions — early hurts and resentments about a similar type of situation are bubbling under the surface. These experiences of rejection are most likely from childhood: siblings, parents, extended family, peers, teachers or coaches.

 

This is why I call rage “anger with a history.”

 

What Causes These Outbursts?

 

CanStock/ willierossin

Where do these potent emotions come from? What causes these outbursts, these lapses in good judgment? What causes rage to explode into out of control behaviors, even violence? What prompts us to react so desperately?

 

When new perceived rejection hurts pile onto old ones each hurtful remark opens old wounds. Anything in that stockpile can ignite. We get overwhelmed and unable to think straight. We overreact and lose control. 

 

Feeling disrespected includes judgment, criticism, condescension, betrayal, bullying and humiliation –– all are facets of rejection. 

 

When we feel mistreated, unsafe or threatened, we tend to defend ourselves. We restore our pride by attacking back. Or by seeking revenge.

 

Sometimes our rebellion comes from not liking to be ordered to do something – like obeying rules and wearing masks on an airplane.

 

Today’s news is filled with personal and cultural rage that is assaultive and violent. Our elected officials are increasingly at each other’s throats. Someone is an unwitting victim of road rage, air rage, fast food rage and birthday party rage. Sports rage produces melees on basketball courts, playing fields and little league games. A student is taunted by others and brings a gun to school. Someone feels slighted and disrespected and stalks and kills co-workers. 

 

We are at the same time victim and victimizer. 

 

A paragraph in the piece quoted above in the San Diego Union-Tribune describes the power of isomorphism: “Bad behavior on commercial flights….coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. The sense of entitlement is hard to miss.”

 

Isomorphism is a term from systems theory –– you may know it by the terms ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’

 

Isomorphism is where patterns repeat from one setting to another, including attitudes, moral character, values and temperament. I’ve noticed that the culture of each administration lappears to be  influencing  many people as it trickles down from Congress and the White House into our workplaces and personal lives. 

 

Isomorphism is a reflection of one situation by another. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

I frequently hear this pattern described by my workplace consultation clients. The character and values of the leader trickles down to staff.  Sometimes the workforce is highly uncomfortable with it.

More on isomorphism: When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down (from 2017)

 

The experience of losing control and overreacting, and lashing out feels pretty yucky to most of us. The disrespect we are spewing onto others ends up splattering on us as well.

 

Trying to pause the interaction might help. Can you take a deep breath, maybe 4 or 5? Remind yourself you DO have choices – can you name one? What might  that be? Can you say it out loud to yourself?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice instead to start respecting ourselves.

  

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Predatory Behavior, Bullying, Screaming and Smashing – Oh My

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

           © Can Stock Photo / Zeferli

 

 

The news is overflowing again with accusations of bullying, harassment, traumatizing verbal abuse, predatory sexual behavior and exploitation.

 

 

The press is full of examples of Producer Scott Rudin’s various out-of-control behaviors. The Hollywood Reporter Headline shouts: "Everyone Just Knows He's an Absolute Monster" and the New York Times headline screams “Volatile and Vengeful: How Scott Rudin Wielded Power in Show Business.”

 

 

About volatility: “he is also known within the entertainment world for terrorizing underlings, hurling staplers, cellphones, mugs and other improvised projectiles in moments of rage.”

 

About being callous and vengeful –– sounds like payback for perceived slights. It’s a good guess he is most likely taking something personally and reacting by lashing out.  

 

 

Ex-staffers describe how Rudin routinely screamed at them:

 

“Why are you so stupid?”

“You’re a hopeless idiot.”

“A clown car is running this office.”

“You’re a pathetic loser.”

 

 

Rita Wilson describes how she felt “worthless, unvaluable and replaceable.”

 

 

These are the same phrases I hear from so many of my clients as they describe  traumatizing words they repeatedly heard from family, teachers, mentors, coaches or bosses.

 

 

Bullying is usually a big part of the experience. And accompanying feelings of rejection, betrayal, and loss of security and trust arising from hurtful bullyingcan continue to affect relationships for years to come.

 

 

I know about this firsthand. I can tell that I’m feeling threatened and unsafe when I have a visceral reaction. Bullying and harassing will do it every time. Even teasing, whether obvious or subtle, can feel abusive to me, just like it did in my childhood.

 

 

More Stories of Inappropriate Behavior

 

At the same time as the Rudin reporting, the New Orleans Times-Picayune, the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times was reporting on the sexual assault and rape allegations about Blake Bailey, the author of a recent biography of Phillip Roth. Almost as soon as the book was published this story broke, and it was taken out of print by publisher W.W.Norton.

 

 

Stories began surfacing from several of Bailey’s students about when they were 12 year old eighth graders in the 1990s when he was teaching English at a New Orleans charter school.

 

 

These now-adults are describing how he singled out his “special girls,” making inappropriate comments about their bodies and wondering aloud when they might lose their virginity.

 

 

Some of these same "special girls" are now reporting that he forcibly initiated sex once they became adults and he confided how  he has “wanted” them since they were in eighth grade but waiting until the age of consent which is 17 in Louisiana.

 

 

“Grooming them” is the term being used.

 

 

And notably, all of the women who spoke to the Times-Picayune are reporting they viewed their encounters with Mr. Bailey as fundamentally unbalanced because of their student-teacher relationship.

 

 

Let’s look at the ways these unbalanced power relationships may have caused confusion and long-term problems for these students.

 

 

The Real Problem: Imbalance and Misuse of Power and Authority

 

 

Power relationships can exist in a wide range of industries and venues:  teachers, coaches, bosses, mentors, physicians and other health professionals, social workers, psychotherapists, attorneys, religious and spiritual leaders and cult-like figures.

 

 

Yes, it is this imbalance in relationships that can lead to much confusion when students, patients and clients understandably look to and depend on their ‘helpers’ as all-powerful experts and authorities.

 

 

In their need to see the ‘helper’ as all-powerful, they may find themselves giving up their own power in the presence of the helper. This imbalance can add to their confusion about the relationship.

 

 

It is this imbalance and misuse and abuse of power, authority and control that I’m addressing here.

 

 

There has been way too little written about the long-term effects of this abuse of power and authority.  I have blogged about this a few times in the past and as I write, I’m borrowing freely from previous pieces, including my focus on bullying behavior.

 

 

Abuse of Power Exists Everywhere

 

The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the more obvious sense of entitlement that exists and drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.

 

 

Seems to me part of the problem is these folks often don't have a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like. If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them? If you don’t even recognize your own bad behavior, how can you choose to change it?

 

 

Some Power Abuses are Low Visibility but High Frequency . . .
 

 

Subtle and overlooked misuses and abuses of power and control exist all around us.

 

 

Abuse of power and authority exists due to some form of status imbalance in both personal and professional relationships. Abuse of power can be obvious or understated, intended or not.

 

 

In my consulting and therapy practice, I hear descriptions of all kinds of disrespectful, dismissive, and discounting interactions. I hear about faulting and blaming and not taking responsibility for actions by making the other person ‘wrong and bad,' a form of gaslighting.

 

 

You can probably guess how often I can hear the hurt and pain when these memories resurface and are described.

 

 

Controlling and sometimes coercive interactions are all around us, yet clients and workshop attendees seem to be surprised when they realize how much power doctors or coaches or teachers or psychotherapists may actually have.

 

 

They begin to see the bigger picture as I describe how students, patients and clients understandably look to their ‘helpers’ as experts and authorities. Yet in their need to see them as ‘all powerful’ they may tend to give up their own power, self-confidence and self-sufficiency.

 

Many years ago when I was a first-year psychology graduate student, I was required to read Power in the Helping Professions by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig.

 

 

My dusty, dog-eared copy is 41 years old now. I find myself re-reading and re-thinking these important power and authority discussions.

 

 

Because I’ve been in the ‘helping professions’ for decades as a Child Protective Services social worker  and as a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in rejection, I’m reminded often that power is often bestowed upon me –– especially if I notice ‘the helper’ role creeping in. It’s difficult to shed; after all, it’s been my ‘job-description’ since I was a child!

 

 

The situation with helpers becomes more complex when someone puts them on a pedestal and wraps them in unrealistic expectations. What happens when the 'helper' disappoints and falls off their pedestal?

 

 

As I often say: disappointment often feels like rejection . . . and rejection hurts!

 

 

"It’s about getting away with something....that's exciting"

 

 

I want to recommend a fascinating piece by Mimi Kramer on ‘The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women.’  I don’t agree with everything she writes, however her personal observations are a good read and I love this paragraph:

 

 

"That, right there — I’d argue — is the impulse behind sexual harassment. It’s about getting away with something. It’s about seeming to be one sort of person.…while really being A Very Bad Boy. That’s exciting for some men. Not the being bad part. The getting-away-with-it part. It isn’t just about power over individuals, the women you victimize. It’s about power over society and the court of public opinion, the thrill of risking everything on one roll of the dice, knowing that it isn’t really all that much of a risk — because nobody will believe her.”

 

 

 

Reliving the Trauma

 

 

As more of these kinds of stories emerge I find myself respecting the courage of those who have come forward. This has been giving many of us permission to tap into our own courage to remember and tell our own stories of inappropriate power plays.

 

 

We all have different ways of processing and different degrees of resilience.

 

These kinds of traumatic experiences are powerful. Even seemingly subtle experiences – can be traumatizing — and might affect each of us in different ways.  Sometimes buried memories begin coming back which often involves reliving the trauma. Sometimes memories and visceral reactions can resurface when there is a new experience of feeling fearful and unsafe. 

 

This is Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) which is associated with repeated trauma.

 

We each have our unique responses, including experiencing long-term repercussions and easily recognizable visceral reactions to inappropriate or abusive personal boundary crossings which affect our feelings of safety and trust.

 

 

We each have absorbed messages from these traumatic experiences –– messages about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it.

 

 

What do you know about your early messages from adults who you looked up to?

How do these experiences and messages affect your relationships now?

 

 

For more info, here are a few links:

The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women
 

 

About Scott Rudin:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/24/theater/scott-rudin.html

 

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/features/everyone-just-knows-hes-an-absolute-monster-scott-rudins-ex-staffers-speak-out-on-abusive-behavior

 

About Blake Bailey:

Vox: https://www.vox.com/culture/22398138/blake-bailey-philip-roth-biography-rape-sexual-assault-accusations-allegations-grooming

NYT: https://www.nola.com/news/education/article_6f42e110-a3bc-11eb-affa-27a3b58b8c95.html

 

 

More on Power, Control and Authority from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

Are Poor Personal Boundaries the Culprit for Sexual Misconduct?  12/2017
 

 

Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere  10/2017

Outbursts of Outrage - Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?   05/2020  

 

 

More on Bullying from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully    4/2007
 

 

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back    6/2010
 

Bullying– Just a Little Locker Room Humor   11/2013

 

 

 

More about PTSD

 

Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring on PTSD       1/2021

 

 

© Elayne Savage

 

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
[email protected]

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

#DiaperDon is Back…So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

#DiaperDon has now suddenly resurfaced as a trending Hashtag – describing immature, mean-spirited, and retaliatory actions.

                     Illustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.

                       

 

Over 3 years ago, I blogged about what a big mess our president was making.

 

To help visualize my original So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess? blog, I asked renowned illustrator Barbara Dale to show Donald in diapers while acting out.

 

Back then I compared the behavior of our President with that of a toddler.

 

Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction

 

Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.

 

Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.

 

Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.

 

In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magic world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:

 

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible … Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”

 

Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.

 

Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.

 

Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control- non-stop lying.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying

 

Fraiberg makes the point that “The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen . . .

 

The Poster Child for Taking Things Personally

 

For years I’ve been blogging about our President’s childlike ways of dealing with conflict, criticism and perceived rejection.

 

I call him the Poster Child for taking things personally and lashing out: blaming, insulting, bullying , shaming, attacking, putting down, fuming, brooding  and retaliating.

 

And as we’ve seen, if a cabinet member or federal civil servant dares to disagree with him, that person would be fired. Reminiscent of the Queen of Hearts  in Wonderland:  “Off with their heads!”

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/lashing-out/

 

Chaos and Unpredictability

 

The Trump White House is often described by staff as “Chaotic.”

A couple of years ago I realized how affected I was by the chaos and unpredictability coming from the White House:

– steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
– bickering, accusations and high drama
– personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
– bullying and name-calling
– blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
– boundarylessness
– illogical thinking and flawed judgment
– fuzzy and confused communication
– self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
– blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
– crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and   seen. This is often referred to as 'gaslighting.'
– deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
– making and taking back statements, promises and threats.

 

Much of this behavior is very immature and shows up in frequent tantrums.

 

The President’s recent press conference response to Reuters reporter Jeff Mason’s query showed how infantile he can be:

 

“Don’t talk to me that way. You’re just a lightweight...I’m the president of the United States. Don’t ever talk to the president that way.”

 

This was the same press conference where he was seated at a miniscule desk which reminded me of Back to School Night when parents try to squeeze their large frames into the tiny desks of their second grade children!

 

What could he have been thinking to invite such mockery by sitting his large frame down at that tiny table?

 

It’s a question I often ask myself: What could he be thinking when he launches relentless retaliatory attacks against one-time allies who he believes betrayed him by questioning his ideas or decisions. No one is exempt: cabinet members, judiciary, civil servants, heads of government agencies, members of Congress, our national institutions, and always, the media.

 

How Could Trump Retaliate? Let Me Count the Ways

 

Ever since President Trump has contested the November 3rd election of Joe Biden I have been asking myself this question: If our President decided to retaliate for this loss, how might he ‘get back’ at the millions of voters he feels are disloyal and betrayed him by voting for Joe Biden and how he will punish President-Elect Biden for winning?

 

My answer is unsettling: I see him starting a war while thinking, “That will show them – they’ll all be really, really sorry.”

 

I have shared my fears with close friends and family: that our President will feel so betrayed by millions of voters that he will retaliate by attempting to start a war that Joe Biden will have to deal with. There are lots of big messes he is leaving for the Biden Administration, a war would be just one more.

 

The most likely country for Trump to attack would be Iran.

 

I read in Reuters that Trump had recently asked his top National Security advisors “for options for attacking Iran but they disagreed, and he held off.”

https://mobile.reuters.com/article/amp/idUSKBN27X026

 

And I also read on NPR how “Pompeo's Latest Israel Trip Could Have Implications For Biden's Presidency”

https://www.npr.org/2020/11/20/936973301/pompeos-latest-israel-trip-could-have-implications-for-bidens-presidency

 

And again in Forbes:

“The Israeli Military Braces For Possible Trump Iran Strike In Final Days Of Presidency”

https://www.forbes.com/sites/jackbrewster/2020/11/25/report-israeli-military-braces-for-possibility-trump-attacks-iran-in-final-days-of-presidency/amp/

 

And what about the assassination last week of Iran’s top nuclear scientist? The Iranians are blaming it on Israel and interestingly enough the assassination happened just after Pompeo’s Israeli visit described by BBC: “Secretary Pompeo made clear that the Trump administration's top Middle East priority is to counter Iran, to stop its "wave of regional destruction and global campaign of terror".

https://www.bbc.com/news/amp/world-us-canada-46908510

 

And now from the Washington Post:

“Iraq fears Trump’s final weeks could see confrontation between U.S. and Iran”

‪https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/middle_east/iraq-iran-militias-violence/2020/11/27/d259fa62-2e6a-11eb-9dd6-2d0179981719_story.html

 

Can our President, while in the middle of throwing a barrage of election fraud tantrums, be capable of making logical decisions regarding our national security should a sudden conflict arise with Iran?

 

When I blogged about President Trump’s messes 3 years ago, I didn’t imagine it could come to this: making such a big mess for his successor and for the American people!

 

And yet four years ago in 2016, a group of veteran psychotherapists put out a Therapists Manifesto as a blatant warning but no one listened!

 

Many thanks to my brother, Lee Raskin for his astute contributions . . .

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Making Someone Bad and Wrong

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri

 

 

Making someone “bad and wrong” is in the air. Seems like every day there is another personal attack – followed by an attack on the attacker.

 

When one or both feel they have to be right, there’s just not enough space for two opinions or ideas or beliefs.

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

 

Sometimes they even encourage others to choose sides. It becomes a proof of loyalty to them and they take it personally and feel betrayed when they think others are not being supportive.

 

Sometimes there is just no room for mistakes and even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of what a bad person he or she is.

 

Some folks seem to have a need to punish others for a missstep, like when a dog has an 'accident' and rubbing it's nose in it "to teach a lesson."

 

Then again, sometimes it emanates from just plain mean-spiritedness or being vindictive and retaliating.

 

Wrapped up in our need to make someone bad and wrong is often our inability to take responsibility and own shame. Some of us struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed (or shamed.) And we cannot tolerate those feelings in ourselves. This can lead to psychological projection (see below.)

 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

 

The Attack-Defend Dynamic

 

When a finger is pointed and someone feels criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. The Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and lashes out.

 

Sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing

Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning

 

These are all rejecting behaviors of course.

 

Have you, too, been feeling immersed in this kind of ‘bad and wrong’ finger-pointing behavior coming out of just about every corner of political activity?

 

And when the finger is pointed at us over and over again, we can all too easily inflate and perpetuate the idea that yes, we are indeed a bad person  – a self-image most likely originating in childhood.

Revisiting Childhood Messages

 

Good Kid/Bad Kid

Let’s take a look at the concept of “good” and “bad” within families. In some families one child appears to be designated as the “good” one, while another child is thought of as “bad.”

 

These good and bad roles often span several generations with designations being passed down.  

 

And what about those of us who learned to feel bad about ourselves each time we were sent to our room in shame, isolated from our family?

 

"You don't deserve to sit with us at the dinner table! Go to your room." No surprise that we go so easily to a ‘shame’ place now.

 

Others of us somehow learned along the way we are ceding power if we allow space for another person to be right or to make a point. So by puffing ourselves up to feel powerful we diminish others.

 

Or maybe we just like the excitement of an argument. Some families actually feel more connected through argument and raised voices.

 

The dynamic of making someone Bad and Wrong is a frequent focus in my sessions with couples and families and in workplace mediation.

 

I often ask: “Do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to be right?

Let’s talk about other ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.

 

Some of us puff ourselves up which looks like bullying behavior. To not feel so inadequate, we inflate ourselves by diminishing others.

Sometimes perceived slights morph into perceived enemies when we become suspicious of others' intentions.

 

Sometimes we become vindictive or vengeful. Sometimes we rant or throw a tantrum or lash out.

 

Sometimes we flail out in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves.

 

Sometimes we accuse others of the same behaviors we have done ourselves. This is psychological projection.

 

If you have followed these blogs for 10 or15 years you may be aware how often I highlight projection in connection with blaming and taking things personally.

 

 

Psychological Projection Explains a Lot About  “Bad and Wrong”

 

Projection is when we unconsciously attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.

 

When we find ourselves with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to try to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings.

 

A common way we protect ourselves is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others. Especially to those who disagree with us. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients and so are those who are on the other side of the political aisle.

 

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

 

• It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:

"This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves. What might they be saying?“

 

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be?

 

Can you create some distance by reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting?

 

By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options. And you can 'make a choice to make a change' in your reactions.

 

Think about it this way: you cannot really change a behavior if you cannot see it. So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can choose to return to a fork in the road and to move forward along a new path.

Yes, you can 'make a choice to make a change.'

 

 

 

More on psychological projection and 'a wise way to handle hurtful gnarly people'

 

I bet you have ideas and challenges to add here. Would love to hear from you . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Taking a Cue From UNO: No Politics Allowed!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

This year the UNO card deck changes colors to orange and purple, clearly stating:

“No red or blue cards means no taking sides!”

The pack is stamped “NONPARTISAN” hoping to reduce stress at family gatherings caused by political fighting. And just in case a cantankerous relative tries to start a political conversation the pack includes a 'VETO' card!

 

Every few years I blog about how to avoid hurt feelings on Thanksgiving. I used to use some humor, describing how family gatherings can seem like we are watching Theatre of the Absurd. I’ve had a good time poking fun at the Cast of Characters at the table.

 

Trouble is, I don’t find much humor these days in how people treat each other. Family gatherings are becoming more and more like a microcosm of our tension-laden, disrespectful and scary world: dismissiveness, arguments, hurt feelings, personal attacks, threats and sometimes even violence.

 

It’s frightening and makes me feel very vulnerable.

 

I’m hoping this year we can take a cue from UNO and stay away from political fighting at our family gatherings. Actually I’m writing this Thanksgiving blog with a plea: please make sure you feel safe in the presence of others. Please be careful about biting any political discussion bait that someone may throw out to you and about unwittingly baiting a relative with your own political observations.

 

Someone could get hurt. It used to be mostly hurt feelings but lately it seems like too often physical harm happens too.

 

Does it seem to you that this year stress is higher than in the past. Reports of interactions between world leaders and elected officials describe out-of-control anger, raging, lashing out, bullying, dismissiveness, contempt, ridicule, mockery, derision, and taunting. And this year there have been accusations of bribery, extortion, and even threats of ‘insurance policies.’ Am I the only one who thinks that could mean blackmail?

 

I’d like to see elected officials model some amount of respectful and ethical behavior instead of disrespect and deception.

 

I find this behavior especially scary because it gives permission to the rest of us to act badly.

 

Politicized and Polarized

 

Family dynamics often replicate global attitudes and actions. too often they can bring up fear. And fear often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. And we feel especially vulnerable to the scariness ‘out there.’

 

Defending against this fear can make us more polarized than ever. It becomes Us vs. Them. Good vs. Bad. Seems like too many people have a strong need to make everyone else ‘Bad’ and ‘Wrong.’

Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Distrust permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. In any relationship, Trust is pretty important and it seems to be disintegrating.

 

Will this have an effect on our Thanksgiving gatherings?


Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

 

The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one. 

Uncle John is a great example of obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had an extra drink or two. That’s when his political rants are not just annoying. In his determination to be right at any cost, his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful.

 

And he loves to bait other guests into arguing with him. He pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed as you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

 

So how do you handle him?

- Keep reminding yourself he’s baiting you and you have a choice not to bite.

– It helps to have a rehearsed response in case you get flustered. Be direct. Something like: "Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you."

 

Pass the Rejection, Please



 

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were a little kid. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You just want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she loves getting a charge out of you, not showing reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


– Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are usually feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

– Try being direct with her: “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, I would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.”



– Instead of imagining crawling under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walking into the bathroom and closing the door and regaining your composure.


 

Watching the Cast of Characters in Theatre of the Absurd



 

This is where it helps to imagine stepping back as if you are watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes seem surreal. Actually by imagining yourself as the audience observing the weirdness of this cast of characters you can create a safe space for yourself in the midst of all the crazy-making goings-on.

Employing this perspective can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally. And hopefully to not get so angry or over-reactive to their stupid comments.


 

Opt-In to Time-Outs 



 

Here are some good ways to try to take care of yourself:

– Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a needed ‘Time Out.’

– Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you probably felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

– One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

– In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

– At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely not about you. It’s a good guess that other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.

 

Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

– By the way, if you really need to check your calls on your device, some relatives might feel offended, so walking into the bathroom to check you can avoid ruffling feathers.

– Here is a strategy that works really well: Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.


 

Planning a Quick Get-Away

 

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more planning.

 

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.


 

It’s Not About You!

 

It’s worth a trip to the bathroom to clear your mind and make the space to remind yourself it’s probably not about you.

 

It helps to ask yourself:

Am I taking this personally? How?

Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”? **

** (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

This can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting and hurtful environments. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


 

Do you have a story or two to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them? 

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the 
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com


 

Note: Parts of this blog are borrowed from previous Thanksgiving blogs I’ve written over the years and from Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

About the new UNO cards

Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword

 

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Did Mueller Hearings Symbolize the Tattered Fabric of Our Country?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Flickr:  Ross Sandelius

I found exchanges between congressional committee members and Robert Mueller unsettling: There was awkwardness and discontinuity and too much grandstanding. I was surprised to hear the extent of the anger and sarcasm.

I kept seeing an image of a tattered American flag that someone had tried to stitch back together. For me it symbolized the ripped fabric of our country.

Watching Robert Mueller struggle at times to find the precise word was especially painful for me. I was reminded of my own life-long struggles with words.

I, too, try to be precise but it takes effort. Most of my life dyslexia and mild ADHD have interfered with grabbing just the right word – and it doesn’t get any easier as I get older!

I’m pretty good at explaining concepts, presenting difficult, sophisticated ideas in easy to understand language. Yet exact words and phrases often elude me and finding the right words can be a struggle.

Writing these blogs over the last 12 years I find I can easily knock out a rudimentary first draft, but making it articulate can take hours.

How The Media Outdid Themselves with Ridicule

Seems to me many media outlets missed the point of Mueller’s need for precision. They portrayed his seeming struggles for choosing the right word as a deficit and made it a focus of attention.

They were ridiculing him for not remembering certain statements made in the report. How hard would it be to figure out that he didn’t write every word himself.

In her recent post my professional speaking colleague and friend Francine Ward, Esq. says it better than I ever could:

“Funny how many folks made snarky comments about Mueller not remembering what was in the 500 pages of a document his office prepared months ago.

I wonder how many of the complainants (who own homes) can recall every word in the mortgage agreements they signed? Or can readily recall the terms of use they agreed to when signing up for Facebook? Or, can easily recall what’s in the trust, will, or power of attorney they signed?

Further, if anyone has ever been a witness in a litigation, and not remembered everything asked of them, they may recall having their recollection refreshed by the lawyer offering a document for them to review.”

 

Mueller was clear he did not want to testify - and that everything he had to say was in the 448 pages of the report and he would not expand on it.

So Congress went ahead and subpoenaed him, hoping he would expand on the written statements. Why were they so surprised when he gave only one or two word answers, not adding much. I guess I was surprised to hear him being criticized for his brevity. I can’t count how many times during congressional hearings I’ve heard committee members chide witnesses: “Just give me a yes or no answer.” Did these guidelines change for Mr. Mueller?

His answers showed how reluctant he was to be there and how reticent he was about adding more detail to what was described in print.

 

Reluctance, Resistance and Reticence

So let’s talk a bit about reticence.

I’ve worked with hundreds of reluctant and reticent teens (and adults as well.) At first I never expect to get much more than yeses and noes and if lucky maybe a few ad-ons. Almost always the holding back decreases as we move forward.

This kind of withholding can involve many variations: resistance, stalling, foot dragging, yes-butting, only minimally complying and even a form of sabotaging.

The term used in psychology books for these kinds of behaviors is ‘passive aggressive.’ However, I find the actual description of these behaviors is more useful.

We got what we were promised. Mueller clearly stated he would be staying within the confines of the four corners of the Special Counsel report. And he did just that. Even maintaining composure in the face of flaring temper and disrespectful questioning.

 

Magical Thinking and Unrealistic Expectations

And when the hearings were over it’s interesting to speculate what brought on the often vicious, critical comments by the media and public. My guess is it was the amount of ‘magical thinking’ permeated the whole affair.

I often write about how unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointments. When expectations are not realized these disappointments can result in feeling cheated, jilted, rejected by, alienated from and angry at the person who disappointed you.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Flickr: Pompin1

Sometimes as adults, we revert to the magical thinking of our childhood, when we lived midway between the world of magic and the world of reality and all things were possible.

Back then we believed we were the center of the world and our wishful thoughts could make things happen.

Magical thinking is a normal part of childhood development, but in the adult world it can be a setup for disappointment.

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible,” says Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years.

Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.                                                                                                                       

The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. In this magical world the child also attributes various wondrous powers to other people or object.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

With the arrival of secondary process thinking, at six or seven years old the child begins the age of reason, developing the ability to follow the rules of logic and taking external reality into consideration.

But sometimes, even though we’re grown up, we revert to magical thinking, and this leads us to repeated disappointments in life.
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

Disappointments and Resentment

When we put someone on a pedestal and see them as an icon, the higher they are, the further and faster they tumble once they disappoint us. Too often we feel hurt and even rejected by people we care about because they didn’t, or couldn’t, or wouldn’t be what we need them to be. Sometimes we take it personally.

And sometimes folks overreact. Many of the media outlets actually surprised me by the depth of their venom.

Imagine criticizing someone because they asked for clarification to a muddled, jumbled, disordered, complex question. As a therapist and speaker I always want to be sure of the meaning of a question or statement. It feels unethical to try to guess and not clarify.

Many years ago I decided to get hearing aids as soon as I realized I was sometimes confusing consonants in therapy sessions. (Interestingly my audiologist thinks my hearing loss probably started when I was very young. I remembered an uncle told me several years ago: “You always pretended you couldn’t hear when you were little.” So it seems I've strained to hear since childhood and I recently learned I have  developed an auditory processing problem which often accompanies hearing loss.)

And for 35 years I’ve been coaching therapy and workplace clients on how to check out meaning and request clarification. It’s especially difficult for those of us who grew up in families where the ‘rule’ was to avoid definition and clarification and never ask questions.

Nothing gets us into trouble in our relationships as much as responding when we are unclear about what someone means.

This is how I see 'communication problems':
Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings, anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much relationship space, there is barely room for connection.

How can we have productive conversations with partners, family, friends or business associates when there is no clear understanding of what is being said to each other?

And back to the hearings: Why would committee members and the media rush to judgement just because someone asks for clarification of a poorly stated question? And why did they try to outdo each other in attempting to leave the reputation of this witness in tatters?

Sure beats me. I'd love to hear your ideas on all of this.

More about how to ensure productive communication: Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

After Banning Abortion: What Happens to Children and Families?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

There seems to be a state by state race by legislators to ban and criminalize abortion. But I don’t hear anyone talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants.

Some parents are able to competently cope with unintended pregnancies. Others fear they can’t manage. Maybe they want to finish school and get a job before they start a family. Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

I know first hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade. I guess I saw just about every type of trauma and neglect and abuse and exploitation and abandonment you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents mistreating and abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they resented and rejected.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care and with fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

 

In my CPS years there were many situations I observed where parents were not able to be responsible to the well-being of their children. Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

 

I’ll never forget the day I watched a 14 year old mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging her along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

 

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

 

I knew about young children burned or hurt when they were left unattended for several hours.

 

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or unwashed clothes.

 

I remember one woman teaching her young child to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

 

This memory still haunts me: One day when I showed up for an appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them. Thinking about that day makes me want to cry.

 

    © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

 

The list of possible long-term effects is endless: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives and trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

 

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 46 in some states!

 

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about the unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation. Sometimes the only way to protect a child is by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable relative, placing him or her in foster care.

 

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm.

 

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

 

Years later, when I was a Long-term Placement social worker and was visiting residential facilities, I came across some of the same children I had removed years before. Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because their families were unable to provide a safe enough home environment for them to return to.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: If abortion is banned what’s going to happen to the children? When mothers who do not want to bring a child into this world are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments? How can we be sure they will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

 

(Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice and there certainly is lots of money to be made for some people, however the emotional considerations are huge and would have to be carefully considered.)

 

And resentment often permeated the families I knew. I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. I saw the stress of expecting a new baby sometimes leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw the existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra pressure on family members.

 

And the system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be placed outside of the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

Stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate times before Roe v. Wade. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using instruments like coat hangers, to try to induce an abortion. Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but there were way too many back-alley deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again if the courts decide we have to go backwards to that dark place.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

Clearly lots children who were traumatized developed the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

 

However, studies show a connection between incarceration and childhood abuse and neglect.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

 

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

 

A few years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally. This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

 

‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several told me:

 

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

 

Legislators in some of the states newly banning abortion are admitting the grand plan is that this legal maneuvering will lead to SCOTUS overturning Roe.

 

So with the move to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee these unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly even become criminals themselves?

 

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

 

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Coaching Joe Biden on Saying “I’m Sorry” – The Art of Apologizing 101

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                                            © Can Stock Photo / artursz 

Lots in the news lately about non-apology apologies for unacceptable behavior. Seems to be a lot of confusion about what an apology should be.

 

I kept rooting for Joe Biden to be able to make a real apology to Anita Hill, for his role in how she was treated in the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court confirmation hearings when he refused to allow testimony of her supporting witnesses. Joe Biden just kept messing it up.

 

News just came in of the light bulb going off for him about the importance of taking responsibility. After several attempts at apology, he finally was able to say “She did not get a fair hearing. She did not get treated well. That’s my responsibility.”

 

This whole story is a good illustration of how acknowledging and taking responsibility for behavior is such an important part of apologizing.

 

And yet taking responsibility is very difficult for lots of people. Their way of attempting this is by removing themselves from the equation: ‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”

 

It would mean so much to hear, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.” or “I’m sorry I ignored your feelings.”

 

Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed -- OR shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling. And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

 

For whatever reason, Joe Biden seemed to be struggling with the concept of taking responsibility. He just wasn’t getting it.

 

Yes, I know sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.

 

That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. Seems to me, though, at times our own sense of pride interferes with noticing how our action (or lack of it) may be affecting the other person.

 

At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy –– we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand and share their feelings.

 

Up until now, Joe Biden’s refrain has been: “I said privately what I’ve said publicly. I am sorry she was treated the way she was treated.”

 

On ’The View’ Joy Behar coached Biden: “I think what she wants you to say is, ‘I’m sorry for the way I treated you,’ not ‘for the way you were treated.’ I think that might be closer.”

 

He tried again: “I’m sorry [for] the way she got treated. I don’t think I treated her badly.”

 

Now, finally, he appears to be able to recognize his role in how she was treated when he refused to allow testimony of her supporting witnesses during the confirmation hearing.

 

“I cannot be satisfied by simply saying I’m sorry for what happened to you,” Anita Hill told The New York Times. “I will be satisfied when I know there is real change and real accountability and real purpose.”

 

Asking for What You Want — and Being Specific

 

And I found myself wondering how will she recognize ‘real change and real accountability and real purpose’? Exactly what will these look like?

 

Here’s the deal. To receive the kind of apology we hanker for it’s important that we can put words to what we we need from the other person. What are the exact words we want to hear to know the other person is acknowledging and taking responsibility for their behavior and is sorry. The next step is to find clear, descriptive words to directly ask them for what we need.

 

Sure we’d love it if the person could read our mind and say all the right things, but they probably can’t. And they may need specific coaching on what we need to hear. If we cross our fingers and hope they will be able to do this on their own, we may be in for big disappointment.

 

And disappointment will just feel like another rejection.

 

“I’d like you to apologize. It’s important to me and this is what I need to hear from you: ‘I’m sorry for saying/doing _________. It will not happen again.’”

                                                                © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

The Art of Making Amends

Making amends helps a lot and they can take couple of forms:

- The first amend of course is to apologize and take responsibility for your behavior followed by engaging in responsible, respectful behavior moving forward.

- Another amend might be offering to try to make it up to the person by creating an act of caring to balance the hurt you caused. You could consider this amend as more of an ‘atonement.’

 

In my workplace coaching and psychotherapy practices, when missteps lead to breaches of trust and hurt feelings between couples or co-workers, I encourage them to devise creative ways of showing caring and respect.

 

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I describe ways to suggest finding “a mutually acceptable way to make amends. Amends can take many forms ranging from washing the other person’s car weekly for a specified length of time, to performing a least favorite chore, to paying for a series of special dinners, to saying “I love you” on a regular basis. They can be serious or whimsical, but each form has one thing in common — each one represents an act of caring.”

 

I remember one couple where trust was broken and we designed a way to balance the bad feelings by making amends. What could he do for her so that she’d feel cared about? She decided to ask him to make her lunch every day for two months. This necessitated his getting up fifteen minutes earlier than usual and he isn’t a morning person. But he did it, with love. Some days he even tucked little notes into her lunch bag.

 

So apologizing has several layers:

– Describing, acknowledging and taking responsibility for your behavior

– Saying you are sorry for your behavior

– Committing to not repeating your behavior

– Making amends

 

One person I know likes the idea of a “Moana Apology” — from the Disney movie when Maui apologizes to Te Fiti.

Look, what I did was ....wrong.


I have no excuse

I'm sorry.

 

As Maya Angelou says, “When we know better, we do better.”

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Last month I blogged about the complexity and confusion about family ‘rules,’ using stories about the Royal Family as a segue into this often troubling topic.

 

I was pointing out how rules get passed down from generation to generation and these generational, cultural and gender differences can lead to relationship problems.

 

I described how the problem areas are usually generational, gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

 

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

Some of you were curious about how these messages might contribute to difficult situations in the workplace, especially around feeling unappreciated, misunderstood and rejected,

 

Serendipitously I received a request for an interview from Ariana Huffington’s new well-being site, Thrive Global.

 

The topic was:  

Bradley Cooper Got Snubbed for Best Director. Here’s What It Can Teach Us About Handling a Letdown at Work.
Being passed over hurts. Here are solid strategies for moving forward.  

 

And a huge influence of how we handle rejection and disappointment in the workplace is based on spoken and unspoken messages that we learned in our family.

Let’s take a look at how these generational family messages influence our interactions.

 

A Jam-Packed Room

 

Has this ever happened to you?

 

You are having a meeting with your manager or co-worker. You open your mouth to say something and someone else’s words come out.

 

The words or tone seem to take on their own powerful energy. What just happened here?

 

Well, first of all, there are not just two people in the room. Each of you has several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers. And every one of them has to have their say, each has to get a word in, or an opinion, or a judgment or advice.

And you may find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and not having a clue where on earth these words came from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

Because each participant’s family is floating around the office, the room can get crowded by all the thoughts and beliefs of each family member wanting to put in his or her two cents’ worth to liven up the discussion or negotiations. Again, all those old messages and influences need to be recognized and identified and booted out to make room for the thoughts and words of the two people involved.

 

The Power of Cultural Influences on Our Workplace Interactions

 

Our families learned their “ways” via cultural influences going back many generations, affecting beliefs and values, comfortable closeness and distance. Our frame of reference is our cultural upbringing.

 

Cultural experiences can create different styles that lead to misunderstandings and taking things personally. For example, families of various ethnic backgrounds may show caring and connection to others by raising their voices, by nagging, through food, by doing favors to curry favor.

 

Let’s look at “culture” as meaning gender attitudes, ethnicity, country, area of the country, and even our city and neighborhood. All of these factors can influence how we think about time and space, our comfort zone, and how we learn to balance closeness and distance. Let’s classify these variations as “style differences” and take a look at how they influence our work environment.

 

Privacy vs. Intrusiveness

 

A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’
I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.
 
For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors. Can you can see how there night be privacy issues her where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?

 

I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.

 

Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.

 

Communication: Definition vs. Vagueness

 

Another difference of style learned in our families has to do with whether conversations are clear and direct or general and vague. Maybe your families style was to encourage defined agreements, with a beginning and end. Or, maybe their style was to be casual, unplanned, noncommittal. Trying to discuss or negotiate with a co-worker or manager with a different communication style from yours can be maddening.

 

Asking Questions: Encouraged or Forbidden?

 

Some of us grew up in a family where curiosity and asking questions was welcomed or discouraged. I hear stories that in some families asking questions was even forbidden.

 

One man I know was afraid to ask his manager to clarify things and pretended he understood how to approach a task or project when he really didn’t. The reason? In his family if he asked a question the response was, “Are you stupid or something?” So at work he was petrified someone would think he was stupid so he avoided clarifying. Instead he was spending enormous amounts of energy trying to figure things out and worrying about how he might screw up.

 

There are lots of stories in Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection about how family messages color our workplace situations including poor communication leading to misunderstandings and taking things personally, the need to appear perfect, struggles about asking for a raise or to be assigned a certain project, or promotion, excessive worrying about an imagined negative outcome, feeling left out of  peer socializing, unrealistic expectations that lead to huge disappointments that feel like rejection.

 

So Where Do These Messages Come From?

 

When we consider the backdrop of early experiences, beliefs, and rules, the meanings and intentions of present interactions become clearer.

 

Situations at your job may replicate your very own growing up experiences. You might have to work with someone who ignores you, or insults and bullies you, or does not treat you fairly. So you may find similar issues coming up at work that you experienced growing up—things such as loyalties and betrayals, secrets, alliances and coalitions, and communication deviances. You may find yourself reacting the way your family “taught” you to react.

 

Where exactly do these generational messages come from? How can you learn to recognize them, especially the subtle ones?

 

I often do a genogram with clients to look for family patterns. In this family diagram it’s helpful to go back three generations, even if names and details aren’t known. This isn’t a diagram of history like a family tree where you look for dates and historical facts; it’s diagram of repetitive patterns and family messages that get passed down from generation to generation. I like to try to go back three generations.

 

 

 

 

Because of my interest in how fear of rejection affects personal and work relationships, I tend to look for patterns of acceptance or rejection messages that might have been passed down. This includes the unavailability of parents due to work priorities or substance use or separation/divorce. It includes family “scripts” such as good/ bad, success/failure. Other messages passed down are personal safety issues, trust issues, guilt feelings and anger. It includes the necessity of leaving their county because their life depended on it or being forced coerced to leave.  

And then we can look for various patterns of abandonment, such as chronic illness or early deaths or sudden moves by parents.  

When we did a genogram, one man discovered a pattern of disownings that took different forms throughout the generations. He’d had no idea such occurrences happened in his family. No wonder her felt so unappreciated and unsupported at work.

What Can We Do About This?

–– Work toward developing clear respectful communication, avoiding misunderstandings. Yes, even though I know it can be difficult, I encourage and coach my therapy and workplace consulting clients to practice asking questions to make sure they are clear about someone’s meaning.

These four questions help to achieve clarity if meaning is unclear to you:
 “This is what I heard you say ____________________.
 Is it what you said?
 Is it what you meant?”

(The person you are checking out meaning with gets 3 opportunities to clarify!)

–– Try to respect differences rather then feel threatened by them.

––  If a meeting or discussion starts to feel weird or overwhelming, take a “time out” to collect your thoughts.  Excuse yourself, saying, “I’ll be back in a moment.”  Go down the hall, get a drink of water, take several deep breaths, and regain your composure and balance.

Counting to ten helps a lot. And taking ten slow deep breaths along with the count helps even more.  Ten long seconds does a lot toward taking the charge off.

––  Separate the “then’ from the ‘now.” Try to remember to remind yourself that the person in the room with you is not really your Dad or Aunt Sally or Uncle Sam or your brother or sister or teacher or coach.

–– Try to keep one foot out of the quicksand. Stay in the present instead of letting the past swallow you up.

––  By “walking alongside yourself”and mindfully noticing you can be more objective about yourself and the situation.  And ‘mindful’ means without judgement.

Notice your patterns of behavior and what they lead to. Notice the response of others to you.

––  Ask yourself ”Do I want to continue down the same path or do I want to go back to the fork in the road and try out a different road to my goals.”

Changing behavior is pretty hard to do unless you can identify what the behavior is. By “walking alongside yourself” you are objectively noticing, and you can “make a choice to make a change.”
 
You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?”

Let me know if/how I can be helpful to you in this process.

 

Would love to  hear your thoughts and ideas . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / artursz

Sure I know you’re most likely completely over-saturated by all the gossipy stories on the Royals. And yet, attention to these centuries old Royal ways gives us an opportunity to recognize how family traditions and different styles of doing things can cause confusion and family tension.

And these almost daily media reports give me an a fantastic opportunity to write to write about how these kinds of misunderstandings can easily lead to hurt feelings and taking things personally.

Clients are telling me that they are experiencing some of the same experiences as the Royals. When we get right down to it, different styles of thinking, doing things and behaving seems to be the culprit in so many family misunderstandings.

The problem areas are usually generational or gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• allowing empathy and understanding of the experiences of others
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

As you can imagine, gift-giving is an especially hot topic - lots more on this below.

The Royals seem to try to avoid holiday problems by wrapping themselves in tradition and protocol, resolutely sticking to the way they’ve done things for centuries.

For example they do not invite in-laws to Christmas dinner – only the Royal family and their spouse and the children. This means the families of spouses are never invited!

This tradition and the ones that follow are described in colorful detail by the Evening Standard. The headline of course dishes on the Meghan Markle angle, yet the descriptions are wonderfully informative. (See link below.)

The Evening Standard says it so well: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever.”

Here are some highlights:

All guests spending the holiday with the Queen and Prince Philip at the Queen's Sandringham Estate are told in what order they are to arrive and exactly at what time.

Instead of opening presents on Christmas Day, the Royal Family exchanges gifts on Christmas Eve in the Red Drawing Room during tea time. The present-giving is presided over by Prince Philip. Cheap and joke gifts are encouraged.

Dinner requires a black tie dress code.

Christmas Day begins with a downstairs “fry-up breakfast” for the male members of the family (for those of us across the pond this includes bacon, fried, poached or scrambled eggs, fried or grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms, fried bread or buttered toast, and sausages.) Most of the women have something lighter brought up to their rooms. 

The family then walks to St. Mary Magdalene church on the grounds of Sandringham Estate at 11am for the Christmas morning service.

After church, the family sits down for Christmas lunch. It sounds like the menu is pretty much the same every year: salad with shrimp or lobster followed by roasted turkey, and side dishes of parsnips, carrots, Brussels sprouts. Dessert is Christmas pudding with brandy butter.

One more important tradition: Royal Family members are traditionally weighed on a pair of antique scales before and after their Christmas dinner dating back to King Edward VII. I can’t help but wonder if there is someone whose job it is to announce each person’s weight out loud!

A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever!

Respecting Style Differences and Not Feeling Threatened By Them

The Evening Standard’s observation is worth repeating: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into,”

Celebrating holidays can be stressful for most of us — we all grew up in different families with different ways of doing things. Some of us may even feel disloyal to our own families if we adopt the ‘ways’ of our partner.

Each family has been influenced by culture, gender, ethnicity, race and nationality. Even by the area of the country and the city and the neighborhood we grew up in.

Each family absorbs rules and roles and attitudes and values and beliefs and expectations and traditions passed down through the generations. Unfortunately too often each person has a “this is how we’ve always done it in my family” stance which translates to “my way is better than your way.”

I often help couples develop respectful strategies for navigating these problems. One way is by coaching young families in creating ways to create their own traditions around Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years and other holidays important to them.

They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents, whether to decorate or not, whether to open presents Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning.

I just heard this story about the first Christmas morning with in-laws. “I came downstairs in my pajamas and robe like I always did with my own family, and my mother-in-law was all dressed up in her heavy makeup, jewelry and high heels!”

The Biggest Problem of All: Gift-giving and Receiving

Holidays and birthdays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something personally. Part of the problem is expecting someone will read your mind and then getting disappointed.

It goes back to being a little kid and having your heart set on that certain doll or fire truck or game. Some of us have never forgotten that sinking feeling when you do’t get it and the sadness of these childhood disappointments.

When any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of hurt that have stockpiled over the years.

And Disappointment Feels Like Rejection

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for or when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present. You know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait, maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hoping for.

And what if you happen to be the gift-giver? Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose. Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? Is their reaction what you were hoping for? What do you tell yourself?

Looking Toward Future Generations

I love working with couples toward:

• creating their own family traditions.

• finding ways to respect family and cultural style differences.

• adopting a partner's "ways" without feeling disloyal to your own family.

• managing gift-giving without hurt feelings.

• making a real attempt to have empathy and understanding for other’s experiences.

Being clear about needs and feelings helps a lot:

• Be clear and defined about knowing your needs and putting them out to your family. No one can read your mind and unrealistic expectations are a setup for disappointment.
• And if something upsets you, be clear about what it is. Too often we act out our feelings by pouting or sulking or freezing out the other person.

I’m hoping this discussion about differences in the personal styles and traditions of families encourages respecting and embracing these differences and not feeling so threatened by them. And I hope this perspective helps to create understanding and good will.

Happy New Year everyone!

Wishing you a year filled with peace, respect — and hope.     

Link:  Evening Standard: Royal Family Christmas traditions: How the Queen, Meghan Markle and the royals will be celebrating this year 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

©lolloj - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Do you find yourself guessing what someone might be meaning by their words or actions . . . or inactions? Do you sometimes assume they are really thinking something critical or invalidating or judgmental? And then do dwell for hours on your assumption, trying to decipher the ‘real meaning?’

 

Lately I’ve been hearing lots of stories from clients about serious misunderstandings in their personal or workplace communications. They find themselves trying to guess what someone means when words or behaviors are unclear and confusing. Many aren’t sure how to respectfully check something out, so they don't try. Then they contact me for help in skills for clarifying communication.

 

Over the last 20 years I’ve been terming this guesswork 'filling-in-the-blanks' and I’ve watched hundreds of faces light up in recognition. Yes, lots of us assume meaning. Yes, we belatedly realize we're often mistaken in our assumptions and it can seriously muck up our relationships.

 

Clients report how they misread the intent, take something personally, over-react and complicate the relationship. And it happens in every kind of relationship: with partners and family and friends and in the workplace.

 

When I ask couples or consulting clients on my intake form about “Why did you come into counseling now,” it’s no surprise that the most frequent answer is “communication problems.” And with further exploration it turns out there are way too many assumptions made. Way too much 'Filling in the blanks!'

 

 

The Prism Of Our Misconceptions

 

We tend to see things through the prism of our misconceptions. Our interpretations pass through a filter containing our private storehouse of experiences accumulated since childhood. These early traumatic experiences color our beliefs about our world, the safety

of our world and the people in it.

 

When these experiences are positive we learn to trust intentions of others. If they happen

to be hurtful, rejecting experiences, however, we learn to be wary, protecting ourselves from further hurt.

 

If a painful experience gets triggered, we might find ourselves in the middle of a Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

 

From my 9/30/14 blog post:

 

“Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives . . . . the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions . . . . When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,”

 

(More on Fight, Flight or Freeze Responses)

 

 

‘Filling in the Blanks’ Is a Setup for Feeling Rejected

 

Here's a story I often hear from therapy and consultation clients. It has many variations but basically goes like this:

 

You are walking down the hall or into a conference room. You pass a senior management colleague and you say a big ’hello.” Nothing. No response.

 

What do you tell yourself? Do you find yourself going through your emotional checklist?

 

- “Do they not like me?”

- “Did I do a bad job on that last report?”

- “Oh no, I’m going to be fired.”

 

Fired! How quickly your mind goes there. Fascinating isn't it — how quickly we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt and self-blame and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation. And to make matters worse, we tend to ruminate on these possible misconceptions. Maybe for days!

 

                                                          ©Bialasiewicz - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Wouldn’t it be great to find a way to stop this run-away rejection train? Can you validate your feelings that yes, you are hurt by the seeming ‘diss.’’ Then can you take a moment to ask yourself if maybe there’s a chance you might have misread the situation?

Can you try to remind yourself there is a good chance he or she was so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they didn't notice you?

What would it take to decide to check it out and clarify the situation? After all, the most upsetting answer you could hear would most likely be no worse what you are already telling yourself.

OK so let’s talk about the dynamics and discomfort of the fast-moving rejection train; then let’s take a look at some options for getting back on track.

 Feeling Like the Bull's Eye in a Target

 Isn't it amazing . . .

- how easily we make the situation all about us (when it's often more about the other person.)

- how many times we take someone’s comment or action (or inaction!) as a personal affront.              

 

At these times you may be finding yourself in the center of your universe. In that    center position it’s easy to feel like the bull's-eye in a target -— expecting and waiting for the dart's sting.

 

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / firstp  

When you’re feeling like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's easy to take things personally. And it takes a bit of work to visualize getting out of that center place, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective.

 

The Dance Between Taking Things Personally and Rejection

Perceived rejection pops up in literally hundreds of forms, usually involving feeling ‘dissed’ in some way – from feeling disrespected, to feeling ignored or discounted or dismissed, to feeling judged or criticized or blamed and shamed, to feeling abandoned.

•Taking things personally involves feeling disrespected and rejected.

•Taking things personally involves feeling blamed or slighted or personally attacked.

•Taking things personally, involves getting feelings hurt by misinterpreting the meanings of others, seeing the actions of others as a personal affront, believing someone wants to hurt us.

•Taking things personally involves letting our emotions be controlled by what somebody says or does (or what they neglect to say or do.)

It’s easy to understand how experiencing this kind of hurt leads to efforts toward protecting ourselves from more hurt. Often the tendency is to pull back, even to the point of 'disappearing.' One woman describes how she "goes invisible, contracting into a pinpoint, withdrawing from everybody and everything.”

When you're feeling snubbed, ignored, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose you'll react the next time you see that person? Will you avoid their eyes? Will your hurt show on your face or in your body language? Might they interpret your reaction as judgment or disdain? Or will it look like 'attitude' to them?

Or to complicate matters even more, they may sense your withdrawal as a rejection of them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They might try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. They might start thinking something like:

- "Did I just say or do something stupid?"

- "Maybe they don't want to be around me anymore."

- “Maybe I neglected to ask about something important.”

- “Why is s/he pushing me away?”

As a self-protection they might seem to be closed off and protected rather then open and available.

Then, ask yourself how might you react to how you perceive them?

Hopefully things you can talk out feelings before feelings get too hurt. As more time goes by, both participants might build protective walls around themselves, keeping the other out. Maybe each person feels confused and hurt. Can you see how negative reciprocity might begin to develop?

The longer the hurt feelings go on, the harder it is to get back on track. You don't know what to say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship can become strained. You both might start feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum. Or can’t look them in the eyes when you do see them. Then they may start filling in the blanks and telling themselves you are ignoring them.

Feeling ignored feels like disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection and it’s hard not to take it personally.

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment, leaving no space left for connection.

Getting Off that Runaway-Rejection Train

The first step is to remind yourself there might be a misunderstanding about the meaning and intent of the other person, so ask yourself. “Could I be filling in the blanks?”

Next consider ways these confusing behaviors can get addressed, checked out and clarified. There’s so much at stake. What would it take to clear the air? What are your options here?

You can start by taking a deep breath and initiating a conversation about what you thought happened.

You can make an attempt to deal directly with the issue and the person. The idea of 'confronting' is surely scary for most of us. However, think of it as ‘confronting the situation’ which is not the same as confronting the person.’

For example, in our first story: can you take a deep breath, mention that you noticed they didn’t respond to your ‘hello’ and ask an open-ended question like “Is everything OK.”

In a situation that has become strained, you could consider identifying and addressing the awkwardness that has seemed to develop.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same for you? I value our relationship and would like for it to get back on track. Can we talk about how we can make this happen?" At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

                                               ©iqoncept - Can Stock Photo Inc. 

A Quick and Easy Tip for Checking Things Out

 As you probably have guessed, I’ve jumped way to fast into assumptions and presumptions much of my life. Over the last few years I developed a basic 3-step model for checking things out so I’m not ‘filling in the blanks’ so often.

This model can be tailored to lots of situations:

✔1 - “This is what I heard you say ________________”

✔2 - “Is it what you said?”

✔3 - “Is it what you meant?“

In the case of feeling hurt by behavior rather then someone’s words:

✔1 - “This is what I noticed _____________.”

✔2 - “Is it what you think happened as well?’

✔3 - “Is it what you intended?”

This tip is an simple entree to creating essential conversations with someone you care about . . .

 

Do you, too, have stories and experiences with ’filling in the blanks’ to share?

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Scariness of Unpredictability

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

The unpredictability and uncertainty coming out of Washington has been hugely unsettling for me. These eerily distressing behaviors throw me off balance. I worry I’m going to lose my footing, stumble and fall.

Then it dawned on me, “I experienced the same experience of disequilibrium growing up!”

My reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

There was an unspoken rule in my family: you couldn’t say you were angry, but you could act “crazy,” throwing tantrums, ranting or raging. As I often observe in my writing and workshops: “If you don’t talk it out, you act it out.” Back then there was a shitload of acting out going on.

It’s not just me. I’m hearing comments and concerns from psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients about the how the unsettling behavior in Washington affects them. Especially those who grew up in alcoholic or abusive/neglectful families or in otherwise traumatic environments.

If you have ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you may know how it feels to have this fear and anxiety.

Sometimes it’s suddenly flying into a rage. Sometimes its a freezing out with long silences. Clients describe “walking on eggshells” or “tiptoeing through minefields,” dreading becoming the object of the fury just because they made a mistake or said the wrong thing .

 

Yep, Certainly ‘Certifiably Dysfunctional’

A woman I know labels these sorts of behaviors in her family “Certifiably Dysfunctional.”

The following observations are not intended to be partisan. This is happening throughout Washington from folks we would hope to look to as our models. For some of us, we had hoped to be able to look to family as models of stability and honesty and integrity. We had hoped to be taught appropriate behavior, limits and inner controls and to learn there are consequences for inappropriate behavior. We had hoped to be provided with a sense of security and safety. We had hoped to learn to trust. But we were often disappointed back then too.

Many clients are describing how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors by our President:

– steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
– bickering, accusations and high drama
– personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
– bullying and name-calling
– blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
– boundarylessness
– illogical thinking and flawed judgment
– fuzzy and confused communication
– self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
– blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
– crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen. This is often referred to as 'gaslighting.'
– deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
– making and taking back statements, promises and threats.

You may notice how many of these behaviors have a flavor being disrespectful, invalidating, dismissive, and belittling – all facets of rejection.

I have started and restarted this blog many times but have found writing it too painful — until now. It’s time to acknowledge my own uneasiness with these behaviors and my own gut reactions.

 

 The atmosphere in Washington makes me feel fearful and insecure. A sense of foreboding creeps in: When is the other shoe going to drop? When is some kind of disconcerting out-of-bounds behavior going to happen again – big time? My concern is not if something will happen, but when.

In Don’t Take It Personally!  I describe how fear and anxiety are constant companions to children who grow up in scary situations: “They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes. So they’re always holding their breath, waiting . . . this ever-present anxiety . . .becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships."

And this kind of re-experiencing follows many of us when we start to feel vulnerable.

 

It Ain't Much But It's Home

And yet, there is another aspect here to consider. Sometimes behavior is so familiar we sort of feel comfortable with it – but for all the wrong reasons. I’m thinking of a certain uncomfortable comfort level we may have around people with poor personal boundaries if we grew up in a family where boundaries were not respected. Or the familiarity and strange sort of comfort around people who have an undertone of anger if we grew up in a volatile household. Thankfully we usually catch on to the unhealthy attraction sooner or later.

I want to be able to trust that my best interests are being respected and that our government is capable of providing enough stability to establish a climate of safety and security.

Do you, too, have ideas or reactions about the messages and behaviors coming out of Washington? If there is something you’d like to add, you can contact me under ‘comments.’on the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com or by email: [email protected]

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

The Heartbreak of Another Mass School Shooting

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I don’t cry easily. And yet, I find myself sobbing each time one of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High survivors describes their experience of the rampage. Or when I hear one of the parents describe losing their child.

During the President’s recent “Listening Session“ when student Sam Zeif described, thinking he was going to die, making calls to his parents and brothers to say goodbye. I sobbed.

When he implored, “I want to feel safe at school” I sobbed.

When I heard Meadow Pollack’s dad Andrew lament, "I'm never gonna see my kid again. Never ever will I see my kid. She's not here. She's not here. She's at King David Cemetery. That's where I go to see my kid." I sobbed.

When Nicole Hockley, the mother of 6-year-old Dylan who was murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School with 19 other children and six staff members spoke, “You don't want to be me. No parent does." I sobbed.

I’m heartbroken to hear about the deaths and injuries from this latest school shooting. I’m also aware that with each mass massacre there is a stockpiling of fear: “How did this happen?” Will our children be safe?” “What do we tell the children? And our most primitive fear: “What’s going to happen to me?"

Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives.

Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.

Here’s how it works: According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens and files the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,

More about how anxiety and the stress hormones affect both children and adults:

https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-children-metaphor-put-shoes-right-beside/

Prior to this latest mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, I remember being hugely affected by three chilling massacres of students in grade school, high school and college.

One was perpetrated by an adult, the others by present or past students of each school

 

Cleveland Elementary School

The Cleveland Elementary Schoolyard massacre in Stockton CA occurred in 1989.

Patrick Purdy, a drifter, in spite of a long criminal history purchased an AK-47, dressed in combat gear and entered the school playground.

He killed five children and wounded 32 others before killing himself. This felt too close to home since Stockton is less than two hours away.

 

Columbine High School

Next I vividly remember Columbine High School, Littleton, Colorado, in 1999 where two seniors murdered 12 students and one teacher, and injuring 21. The shooting rampage lasted just under one hour.

Columbine has become a PTSD replay for me. each new school mass murder adds another layer.

My memory of the events of Columbine are not only of the nightmare of the rampage and deaths that day, but I also have returning memories of when I went on the air long into the night and into the morning for almost five hours with a Denver radio host.

Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what had just happened in their community. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And many wondered: "What will become of us?" 

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to so much fear in their voices hour after hour was too much for me. I became numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And I'm still deeply affected. Each time there is another school massacre, my reaction is visceral and I go back to that place of hearing each story of panic and fear. This feeling seems to stockpile from new episode to new episode.

Through writings of the shooters and peer reporting we learned the killings are in part the result of the rejection these two students felt from classmates. Being teased, taunted and ostracized for being 'different.' They felt there were injustices done.

A friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time to get back at the school.” A peer continues, “They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.”

Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.

He wrote about killing himself.

Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so

many fun things."

Because they felt so tormented by peers they made a plan: They armed themselves with a 9-mm semi-automatic handgun, a sawed off 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun, a carbine rifle, and a sawed off 12-gauge pump shotgun. There were a total of 188 rounds fired. There were pipe bombs and knives too.

They “got revenge” by tormenting students and teachers for almost an hour. Then they both committed suicide.

More on Columbine and Fear:

“Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear” 

 

Virginia Tech

Then came the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007.

Seung-Hui Cho, a senior at Virginia Tech, used a 22-caliber Walther semi-automatic pistol to kill 32 people wound 17 others, in two separate attacks two hours apart. Then killed himself.

At the time, it was the deadliest shooting carried out by a single gunman in U.S. history.

Again, I gave a difficult interview for a Bay Area TV newscast aimed at helping folks understand how this killing could have happened. You can imagine how challenging this interview became as déjà vu memories of Columbine played in my head.

The newscaster handed me two plays by Seung-Hui Cho. At the time, we knew very little about the killer or about what happened. The video tapes he had sent to NBC before the killing had not yet been released. I'm always careful not to speculate when I don't have enough facts in front of me.

I did, however have his two plays in front of me, Eight pages each. I remember gasping at the grisly themes: one play described plotting with friends to kill an abusive teacher and the other about a 13 year old boy attempting to kill his sexually abusive step-father.

All too often school violence happens when someone feels repeatedly bullied, abused and ostracized by peers. Then at some point a few decide they are "just not going to take it anymore.”

Perhaps their misery is so great they contemplate killing themselves. Perhaps with their fuzzy thinking, killing others gives them reason to kill themselves. Or to let police bullets do it for them.

More on the Virginia Tech killer and Ostracism:

It’s Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being ‘Different’

 

Sandy Hook Elementary School

In 2012 the horror of Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut unfolded. After killing his mother, Adam Lanza grabbed three semi-automatic firearms. Then the former Sandy Hook student stormed the classrooms of 6 and 7 year olds.

Teachers ushered their students into closets and bathrooms, but 20 children and six staff members. were killed.

Then Lanza killed himself. The rampage lasted 11 minutes.

Adam Lanza was described as isolated and reclusive with an obsession about mass murders. During his days as a student at Sandy Hook he was reportedly abused and beaten so often by classmates that his mother considered filing a lawsuit. Maybe this was because he was 'different' because of his autism.

He had reportedly said he planned to kill his mother and Sandy Hook children four years before he killed them.

 

Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School

And most recently the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida where on Valentines Day former student, Nikolas Cruz killed 17 students and teachers with an AR-15 semi automatic rifle. Fourteen more were hospitalized.

The shooting lasted 6 minutes. Cruz was arrested just over an hour later. after visiting Subway and McDonalds.

We know a little about reports of Cruz being bullied, that he was described as a ‘loner’ and that he posted on Instagram that he planned to shoot up the school. I’m wondering what else we will learn about experiences of bullying or ostracism.

As I wrote earlier, I don’t cry easily but this most recent rampage feels especially gut-wrenching. I feel such a great sadness when I hear about children dying this way. And each new happening brings new sadness that builds on all these earlier experiences of heartbreak and loss. The sense of communal sadness and grieving helps some.

Often it helps me process these kinds of overwhelming happenings by researching and writing. But the writing doesn’t stop the tears. Only stopping the killings can do that . . .

These are the students who were killed in their classrooms:

Killed at Cleveland Elementary School

Killed at Columbine High School

Killed at Virginia Tech

Killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School

Killed at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School

 

©Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Are Poor Personal Boundaries the Culprit for Sexual Misconduct?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I blogged recently about the huge role boundary crossings and violations play in sexual harassment: Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere

Then I realized how much more there is to say about personal boundaries and I’ve been giving lots of thought to it ever since . . . .

For over 30 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate touching or teasing or flirting lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct or assault.

Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.

This disrespect often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person on the receiving end. For decades I’ve worked with clients who have experienced trauma from abuse and I’ve seen many long-buried memories and emotions come to the surface months or years later. The #MeToo responses are good examples of this.

The US Congress as well as the State of California have announced plans to provide training in sexual harassment. That’s great to hear, however I know from decades of experience that a prerequisite to harassment training has to focus on personal boundaries: Understanding what boundaries are and how they are are crossed or violated.

I strongly believe that all the sexual harassment training in the world will fall on deaf ears unless it is preceded by basic training in respect for personal boundaries.

So I have been speaking with representatives of several Congressional and State of California offices. They are interested in my ideas and have requested my input.

I provided them with what I think is a great example of confusion about appropriate personal boundaries and how poor boundaries can look like sexual harassment whether the words or actions are intended to be predatory. My example is Sen. Al Franken. Did he intend to embarrass? Did he intend to harm? Only Sen. Franken knows what led to the boundary crossings and misconduct leading his accusers to describe how his actions affected them. I’m not sure if Sen. Franken really knows what his boundary confusion was all about, but I have some guesses.

By it’s nature humor is boundary-less and Sen. Franken for many years was a stand-up comic and comedy writer for SNL. The many comics I’ve known are most successful when they don’t honor personal boundaries in their routines. It’s pretty difficult to exercise good personal boundaries when you are poking fun of everyone and everything.

I’m in no way excusing inappropriate behavior, however it often helps to understand where it comes from so it can be recognized and stopped.

A few of my stand up acquaintances have fairly good boundaries in their private lives –– but many do not. Maybe, like many of us, they didn’t have good models of boundaries growing up.

I hear lots of stories (and can tell my own) of growing up in families where respect for boundaries and personal space was pretty flimsy. People entered private spaces without knocking or expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.

Certain rules and ways of doing things in the family may have seemed ultra-strict and inflexible, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.

Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas. 


Growing Up Boundary-less

When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.

I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.

Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family. Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning.

For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.

Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.

Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.

 

Personal Boundaries 101

I have blogged several times over the years about personal boundaries. Here are some high points:

Personal boundaries are about respecting space: physical, mental and emotional. 

Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.

 Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy.

The following list of types of personal boundaries is based on the writings of John and Linda Friel:



Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.



Intellectual boundaries mean respect for ideas or thoughts for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it.” 



Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.



Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

There are also Money Boundaries, Time Boundaries and Social Boundaries.



I would add to this list: 
Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.


More about Disrespecting Personal Boundaries and Ideas for Navigating Through Boundary Confusion and How to Say ’NO”

Some of the boundary-less descriptors we’ve been hearing lately go something like this:

“inappropriate”
“hurtful”
“out of bounds”
“out of control”
“over-the-top”
“excessive”
“overstepping”
“transgressing”
“compromising integrity”
“violating”
“the line of propriety gets crossed”
“in-your-face-behavior”

Have you noticed how all of these can be perceived as disrespectful and rejecting behaviors?
Can you think of other descriptive terms to include here?

Each person comes to develop his or her own concept of the meaning of personal boundaries:

“I have a right to have the integrity of skin around me,” one woman declared in the process of our work together.

Another client realized, “I know I have boundaries when I notice that the other person’s boundaries are mushy.”

An important point that’s emerging from the #MeToo dialogue is respecting your own comfort zone and making the choice to say “NO” loud and clear and that “No” is a complete sentence! “Yes” and “No” define who we are in the moment and are great boundary setters.

So let’s not just give lip service to offering only training in sexual harassment which is just part of the whole picture. Let’s make training effective and worth while by offering the important prerequisite of the importance of personal boundaries.

Maya Angelou says it really well, “When we know better, we do better.”

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are Your Holiday Gatherings Theatre of the Absurd?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious, especially in stressful times.

Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

So here comes Thanksgiving 2017. How can you best stay calm when folks around
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact,
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in knock-down-drag out
battles and hurt feelings?

What works best for me is imagining I’m in the audience watching a Beckett
or Pirandello play – Theatre of the Absurd! These scenes are so surreal, by creating
some distance I find them entertaining in their weirdness.

This helps me keep my humor and a sense
of objectivity and I don’t take things so personally.

Some tips for getting through the Holidays:

•  Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
 using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
 one. It's almost comical.

    - Why not appreciate the humor in the situation, and try to laugh it off.
    - Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom—in control-self. Why would she
      change for the Holidays?”

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Uncle George is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to try to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.’”

Uncle George’s behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Judy’s unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. When she
sees your discomfort she goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she says in a loud whisper.You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

    - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
      slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
      situation.

    - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Judy when she shows even
      the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
      Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Judy’s behavior is a fine example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. Now he's making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

    - Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when you were
      small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

    - Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take it. You
      can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
      while you regain your composure.

    - Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
      effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a another good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

- Excuse yourself at the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be right back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate
about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, reciprocally he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking Time-Outs.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This "time-out" lets you be independent
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: Don’t Take It Personally! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you. People
project their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these
are blind spots and they're not aware of doing it. But it sure feels yuckyl

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Judy.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and sneers,
"You always were too sensitive," remind yourself that she's most likely talking
about her own feelings of being overly sensitive.

In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Judy
always took things so personally!"

This Feeling is Too Hot to Handle

More about projection: Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle.
Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself."

It's like moving your "stuff" into someone else's storage space --
for safekeeping.

Projection is a way of dealing with unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency.

If you want to read more about projection and personal boundaries, the
right side of my blog site has an archive by topic:
www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are usually not really about you. ‘


And here’s some good news: In a recent Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll nearly one-third of all adults will actively avoid political conversations when they see frie nds and family over the Thanksgiving and December holidays….About half said they do not expect to discuss politics at all!
Here is the PDF download of poll results and t he survey questionnaire: http://tmsnrt.rs/2zHx6Pd

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity to tell people we that appreciate them.
For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy, so sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason to express our gratitude.

© Elayne Savage, PhD


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Will Name-calling and Lashing Out Start a War?

By  Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't usually scare easily, but I find worry is replacing concern and fear is replacing worry when North Korean Foreign Minister Ri Yong Ho accused our President  of making "a declaration of war."

According to Reuters “Ri was reacting to our President's Twitter comments that Kim Jong Un and Ri ‘won't be around much longer.’”

And it’s scary how quickly tensions are escalating. Where is the line? When does it get crossed? When do things spin out of control?

Reuters also reports: “Bellicose statements by our President and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in recent weeks have created fears that a miscalculation could lead to action with untold ramifications, particularly since Pyongyang conducted its sixth and most powerful nuclear test . . .”

I recognize the huge risks involved in this kind of behavior. As a psychotherapist and workplace consultant, I explore how these kinds of rejecting messages – confrontational/ threatening statements, taunts, lashing out and name-calling and – can lead to  escalating tensions and taking things personally.

 

Flicking Sand in a Sandbox

In Don’t Take It Personally! I describe how easily behavior can escalate when two tots in a sandbox begin flicking sand at each other:

“It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The picked-on child feels hurt and confused. ‘Why me? What did I do? Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?’”

I can't think of a more apt visual to describe the flinging of taunts between Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un and our President.

I sure would feel more secure if I had a different visual image of these two leaders –– sitting at a negotiating table, showing respect and acting like grownups.

 Can Insults Really Start a War?

History books describe WW I starting when decade-long tensions in Europe over the arms race, political alliances, and a growing sense of nationalism all came to a head when Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria was assassinated in Sarajevo in June 1914 by a Serbian nationalist.

However there's a back story here describing how taunts and insults and taking things personally actually contributed mightily to starting the war.

Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm II is considered by many to have provoked the outbreak of WW I because of his undisciplined rants and bitter criticisms of European leaders, several of whom were his cousins.

 

Here are a few Wikipedia descriptions of Wilhelm from my December 2016 blog:

• bombastic and impetuous, he sometimes made tactless pronouncements on sensitive topics without consulting his ministers

• critics judged Wilhelm to be completely unable to handle the great responsibilities of his position, a ruler too reckless to deal with power

• seen as superficial, hasty, restless, unable to relax, without any deeper level of seriousness or sense of sobriety, for balance and boundaries, or even for reality and real problems

• concerned with asserting his will. Because he was the ruler of the leading Continental power this trait was one of the main causes of the uneasiness prevailing in Europe at the turn-of-the century                                                                                

 

If you are intrigued by Wilhelm’s colorful personality, here’s a link to my blog about him.

Did Taunts, Insults and Taking Things Personally Start WWI?

Is it my imagination or is there an uncanny personality overlay between our President and Kaiser Wilhelm II ?

Just as I’m posting this, I happened to read Bill Moyers perspective-enhancing interview with international relations historian Andrew Bacevich addressing the hurled insults between Kim Jong Un and our President : Can a War of Words Become a World of War?

(What a great title! Sure wish I had thought of it!)

I wonder if Bill Moyers and Andrew Bacevich might be feeling scared too . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 
 Whenever I want to duck and run for cover to escape all that toxic emotional debris out there, it helps to remind myself about the concept of 'isomorphism’ – where patterns repeat from one setting to another.

I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from Congress and the White House into our workplace and personal lives.

Perhaps you will be better able to understand why many of us feel so personally assaulted by the barrage of inappropriate behaviors.

Perhaps these ideas can be helpful to you as well in navigating difficult times.

 

Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, deflections, and the inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.

I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. And there seems to be more lying –– especially in the workplace. As if someone said it’s OK. Recently I blogged about my own reaction to alternative facts and lying.

A recent study by the Workplace Bullying Institute asked: How did the presidential and congressional elections of 2016 affect relationships in American workplaces? And 46% of Americans say that the brutish campaigns leading to the 2016 election did negatively impact the workplace.

And in June I blogged about my own embarrassing public temper tantrum, when I Totally Lost It! when I knew exactly what was getting triggered but chose to go ahead with my tirade anyway. Kind of like I had been given permission to exhibit out-of-control behavior.

Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual?

Could it be many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in the White House and Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.

What Is All This Mirroring About?

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out.

When attitude, character and temperament from the White House seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.
When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism.
When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of Congress and the White House, this is isomorphism.

And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.

Sudden Disappearances - They’re dropping like flies

And just as the White House has lost quite few cabinet members and appointees by firings and resignations, I’m hearing the same thing is happening in businesses and organizations.

There have been over two dozen early departures from the Trump Administration in these first eight months: six people were fired, several were ‘reassigned,’ one was ‘mutually agreed upon’ and one reason for leaving was ‘unclear.’

The disappearances include two different directors of communications, White House chief of staff, deputy White House chief of staff, special advisor to the president, chief strategist, the national security advisor, National Security Council Middle East advisor, National Security Council senior director for Western Hemisphere affairs, FBI director, Assistant press secretary, White House press secretary, White House director of communications, director of the Office of Government Ethics, deputy national security advisor, U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, White House chief usher, and the acting attorney general.

Wow. That's a big bunch of people!

Many of these positions lasted about 200 days or less! Five lasted less than a month. And all this during the first eight months of this Administration! As the saying says, “They’re dropping like flies.”

http://www.latimes.com/projects/la-na-pol-trump-firings-resignations/

In addition, about a dozen advisory council members resigned leading to the manufacturing council and the strategy and policy forum dissolving.

You may also be aware many State Department and Foreign Service diplomats have left including the undersecretary of state for management. There are three new State Department resignation announcements so far this week.

Will Secretary of State Rex Tillerson be leaving too, as rumored? According to Newsweek, ex-colleagues say the situation is being described as “chaos" and a "disaster."

http://www.newsweek.com/trump-tillerson-resignation-shakeup-state-department-chaos-644242

Watching this disarray happen across all of these venues leaves me with a feeling of insecurity and apprehension.
I’m hearing about chaos in businesses and organizations where there have been lots of resignations and replacements. in fact, I’m hearing how people are ‘disappearing’ at work. Overnight their desks are cleaned out and they are gone — sometimes without a chance for goodbye.

You can imagine how those of us sensitive to loss and abandonment might react to this!
Feelings of impermanence are scary for many of us. How will this affect us in both work and personal relationships?

When Isomorphism Hits Close to Home

Disarray and chaos seem to be mirrored in recent interactions of my local 700 member professional organization of therapists.

Recently several members of the Board of Directors resigned. And because of shockingly disrespectful name-calling and in-fighting behavior in meetings and on our list serve, we are losing members as well.

A ‘survey’ was sent to members via Survey Monkey asking about continued affiliation with our State organization. “We want your opinion. We're conducting a survey and your input would be appreciated. Thank you for your participation.” 

Can you imagine how surprised many of us were upon being told this was intended to be an actual vote? Actually the results were a tie but the Board of Directors proceeded anyway to make plans to separate from the state organization and start a new organization.

To be honest, I felt hoodwinked and wanted to see the Board members take responsibility, say they made a mistake in the wording, and do a re-do where members would be advised it is an actual vote to disaffiliate or not.

And to make matters worse in my view, the Board blamed the Survey Monkey confusion on the previous administrative assistant. What a reflection of the blame game going on in the Oval Office. Taylor Swift sums it up pretty well as the refrain repeats and repeats in her new single: “Look What You Made Me Do.”

When they decided not to redo the vote, anger bubbled up in the membership and the name-calling began. The atmosphere became disrespectful, polarized and toxic.

What is happening in my professional organization is a good example of how various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty.

I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives. And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest office in the land.

I know I would feel a lot more secure.

Do you have any of the experiences or reactions I’ve just described?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

A Big Dose of Public Shame and Humiliation

By Elayne Savage, PhD  

                                            

Have you ever been  publicly embarrassed,
  shamed or humiliated . . .

     By a teacher in class?

     Or a coach?

     Or by your peers?

     Or your family?

 

Here are a couple of stories about public humiliation from Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:

Laurie’s story: Math was not easy for her in middle school. She studied hard for several days for a test. She thought she understood the material, but she got one of the lowest grades in the class. When the teacher read the test scores out loud, Laurie was humiliated. It wasn’t fair to be exposed like that when she had tried so hard:

This reminds me of the time my teacher in high school held up my test paper for the class to see and said for all to hear, “I'm so disappointed in you. You can do better than that.” I felt myself shrivel to about an inch high. My shame lasted all day.

Keith’s story:  Whenever he’s around authority figures he expects to be humiliated. As a child, he was often told, “You should be ashamed of yourself for not cleaning your room,” or “for not setting the table right,” or “for talking back.” He would think, “Uh oh, now I’m in big trouble. These people are large and looming and I’m defenseless. I’m waiting to be punished — it’s unavoidable. It’s out of my control.”

Feeling shamed, humiliated or mortified can be overwhelming. These feelings can take over in a flash. In Shame: The Power of Caring, Gershen Kaufman says the central aspect of shame is a feeling of exposure—“To feel shame is to feel seen in a painfully diminished sense . . . the piercing awareness of ourselves as fundamentally deficient in some vital way as a human being.”
 
Waterboarding in Trumpland

Jeff Sessions was able to come up with "hurtful" to describe the drip, drip, drip of almost daily public shaming after the President called him “beleaguered” and “very weak.” Good for him for mustering the courage to show his feelings. I can see how allowing this vulnerability might be a very big step for a politician. 

For me, watching him experience the public humiliation feels bigger than “hurtful.” It triggers distressingly painful memories of the times I was shamed and humiliated as a child. 

Whenever I feel publicly humiliated I instantly go back to being the 6 year old in 1st grade at Langdon School, Washington, DC the day my teacher lectured me in front of the class for “tattling” on another student. I was worried about my classmate and only trying to be helpful. Somehow I found myself in big trouble for speaking up. 

Just hearing these mocking, attacking, abusive comments on the news makes my skin crawl and my stomach twist into knots. Old memories come flooding back. Some would say it’s a PTSD reaction to early emotional trauma. 

Lately there have been plenty of recipients of these abusive outbursts. And when these messages are tweeted out they become cyber-bullying, creating massive emotional damage because it’s so public.

The President publicly called Sean Spicer out several times most notably stating “he was terrible” after Spicer, who had been directed to exaggerate the size of the inaugural crowd, was challenged by the media. And then there was the time when Steve Bannon fat-shamed Sean Spicer.

I especially recall feeling sad for Spicer, a Catholic, when the President excluded him from meeting the Pope at the Vatican. I remember thinking, “Thats no way to reward Sean Spicer’s loyalty to the President when he appeared all those times in front of the cameras.

Spicer was expected to faithfully repeat White House talking points even though he probably knew from news reports many were not true. The President's expectations and commands to Spicer couldn’t help but set him up for derision and rejection by the press as they regularly questioned his sense of reality which was very different from the facts as they knew them. 

I found myself wondering if Spicer's decision to not allow video of pressers was so his humiliation from the repeated lying couldn't be seen by the world. Maybe the day came when he decided he just couldn’t take it anymore, gathered up his remaining self-esteem and left the scene. 

However, insults were being spread around. Nevada Republican Senator Dean Heller was openly mocked on camera at a White House lunch when the President asked him if he would like to “remain a senator,” because “any senator who votes against debate says you are fine with ObamaCare.” Do you suppose Sen. Heller heard that as a threat to his political career?

And even Tom Price, Secretary of Health and Human Services, sitting behind the President on stage at the Boy Scout Jamboree, was admonished, “By the way, are you going to get the (Repeal ObamaCare) votes? He better get them. He better get them. Oh, he better. Otherwise I'll say, 'Tom, you're fired.' I'll get somebody." Then our President pointed at him, mimicking a hand gun. 

And the most recent to be publicly shamed is Reince Priebus when Anthony Scaramucci, the newly appointed communications director, threatened to have him fired for ‘leaking’ and in unprintable language called him vile, derogatory names. It is speculated that his actions may be vengeful — payback from the transition period when Priebus reportedly kept Scaramucci out of a West Wing position.

Being named chief of staff was sort of a set-up for failure from the start since under most presidents the chief of staff’s duties are typically to:

    •    Select and supervise key White House staff
    •    Control access to the Oval Office and the president
    •    Manage communications and information flow
    •    Negotiate with Congress, executive branch agencies,
         and external political groups to implement the
         president’s agenda.

I’ve been writing about the chaotic atmosphere in the White House for many months now, and lately ‘chaos’ seems to be the media descriptor du jour. However, lately the fear of being publicly ridiculed and humiliated has been added to menu in the West Wing. 

The chaos comes mostly from disorganization because reportedly chief strategist Steve Bannon and the President's son-in-law Jared Kushner have had more direct access to the president than Priebus did. Even though It seems very few policy decisions and plans were actually made, Bannon and Kushner reportedly had the most input. Therefore, there was really no need in this White House for Priebus to perform  the kinds of organizational duties usually falling to the chief of staff and it became increasingly difficult to function in the important gatekeeper role, keeping things orderly, disciplined and operational in the West Wing. 

Because of this, Priebus, like Spicer was pretty much set up to fail in his job. When he did, he was publicly ridiculed.
   
It is said that Priebus may have first heard he was being replaced when the President tweeted out “I am pleased to inform you that I have just named General/Secretary John F Kelly as White House Chief of Staff. He is a Great American and a Great Leader. John has also done a spectacular job at Homeland Security. He has been a true star of my Administration.”  

How do you think Reince Priebus felt when he read this tweet?

It occurs to me that the present approach seems to be: “Throw it up against the wall and see what sticks.”

Several individual members of the FBI are being publicly accused of all sorts of ‘conflicts of interest’ in an apparent attempt to discredit them and their investigations.

Most recently the President lashed out at Republicans and called them  ‘fools” after they failed to repeal the Affordable Care Act. He tweeted “Republicans in the Senate will NEVER win if they don't go to a 51 vote majority NOW. They look like fools and are just wasting time……”

                              Postage Stamp of Game Cocks 

 

It is said that the President likes a good fight and was reportedly upset that Reince Priebus didn't fight back after Anthony Scaramucci's vulgar insults.

Oh shucks, I guess the president had been relishing placing bets on this cockfight!  What a disappointment . . .                 

When Childhood Feelings Get Triggered in the Present

And with each episode of public humiliation coming out of the White House, I’m hearing from colleagues and workplace and therapy clients how they are being re-traumatized remembering early years when they were publicly mocked, bullied, attacked, shamed and humiliated by family or teachers or peers. The early experiences stockpile and can even feel overwhelming when they are triggered years later. 

Reactions vary, based mostly on the intensity and frequency of the early experiences. What we told yourself when these experiences occurred, constitutes the messages we carry into your adult years. These messages become our beliefs about ourselves and the safety of our world and the people in it.

 

You will be able to control the overwhelm of these triggered feelings if you know what the messages were in your early life and who they came from. Then try to separate the 'then from the now." Other tips for moving through feelings of shame are below in the linked blogs on shame and humiliation.

One woman recalls how it felt for her: “At my mother’s funeral a so-called best friend of mother, known for doing charitable works in the community, stood in front of the 50 or so guests at the funeral and shamed my sister and me, telling everyone there what bad girls we had been. That happened over 10 years ago and I am taken aback that recent White House events are reawakening these troublesome memories.”

Another woman offers a more dramatic description of her reaction to these kinds of triggers: “It’s like the tornado hits and I”m Dorothy.”

And these out-of-control abusive episodes coming from the White House greatly affect me, too. I keep telling myself “Just don’t watch or read the news. This abusive behavior is way too upsetting. And yet, I’m somehow drawn to the painful details, again and again. 

What about you? Do these dramas bring up hurtful memories and feelings for you, too?

About Loyalty and Betrayal and the Generational Family 'Ledger’

Seems to me in many of these situations there is a common thread of the President's preoccupation with loyalty (and betrayal.)  He especially claims his long-time loyal supporter, Jeff Sessions, was disloyal to him when he obeyed the rule of law and recused himself from the Russia investigation. 

Jeff Sessions says he consulted with colleagues and ethical experts about what he should do. He says he recused himself due to DOJ regulation 28 CFR 45.2 which states an employee may not "participate in a criminal investigation or prosecution if he has a personal or political relationship with any person or organization substantially involved in the conduct that is the subject of the investigation or prosecution, or who would be directly affected by the outcome." Being an adviser and surrogate to the Trump campaign appears to put Sessions in this category.  

And there was an additional factor some say cried out for his recusal: During his confirmation hearing Sessions was not honest in answering questions about his meetings with the Russian ambassador during the campaign. 

Sessions recused himself March 2, 2017. Has the President been dwelling on this ‘betrayal’ all this time? And now, five months later, is the the stinging criticism and pressure to resign being turned on full blast?

The other day the President said Sessions not recusing himself was "extremely unfair — and that's a mild word — to the president." 

Many of us learn about loyalty and betrayal in our families through generational messages (often unspoken) which have passed down. Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, founder of Contextual Family Therapy, calls these generational transmissions ‘invisible loyalties’ and describes a ‘ledger’ of  justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.  

When I first read about the ‘ledger’ in my Family Therapy doctoral program, I had an amazing ‘aha’ moment. Yes! I certainly could see how injustices, unfairness and disloyalties had accrued in my family over the generations, and how the resulting anger and resentment had been passed down as well.
 
Might there have been an invisible loyalty ledger in your family as well? 

“There But For The Grace of God Go I”

I can’t help but wonder how it is for other cabinet members, West Wing staff and legislators watching these many public abuses play out. And nobody wants the world to know how disappointed the President is in them!

This reminds me of the stories I hear from clients whose sibling was the one regularly picked on, hit or yelled at by a parent. Clients describe remembering how they cowered just outside the door and wondered “Am I next?”

 

More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Boszormenyi-Nagy

More about feelings of embarrassment, shame, and humiliation from
Tips From The Queen of Rejection Blog: with TIPS for how to manage feelings of shame:
 
I’ve Never Felt So Mortified
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/06/ive_never_felt_.html

My Mortifying Personal Experience with ‘Just Locker Room Talk
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2016/10/my-mortifying-personal-experience-with-just-locker-room-talk-.html

Saving Face or Losing Face
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2013/10/saving-face-or-losing-face.html

 

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.


You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm



Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

The Back Story:

For months I’ve had a this recurring visual image prancing around my head – Donald Trump standing in his crib in diapers, smearing the walls with poop, making a big mess.

So I asked Barbara Dale, one of my favorite cartoonists, to illustrate my visual idea for this blog. It has been lots of fun collaborating with her . . .

 

I

llustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.

Poop smearing is great fun for toddlers but hugely exasperating for parents cleaning up the mess. Think of the supplies of Lysol, Clorox Wipes and Mr. Clean Erasers they have to stock up on.

To the parents this behavior represents disarray, chaos, impulsiveness, unruliness and willfulness and, yes, parents tend to take it personally.

Child development experts advise poop smearing is pretty normal and may be a way of expressing feelings of frustration and anger and counteracting helplessness and powerlessness. And for sure it gets attention when the parents freak out.

On the positive side this fascination with poop might indicate a readiness for potty training and thankfully by the age of 3 or 4 they outgrow the need to smear.

 

Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction

Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.

Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.

Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”

Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.

Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.

Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control-non-stop lying.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying

Fraiberg also makes the point that the child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. 

 

Residing in the Center of Your Universe

 As adults we may also find ourselves in the center of our universe, especially when we are taking something personally –– seeing ourselves as the target of slights or personal attacks.

For some, residing in the center of their universe can involve entitlement, specialness, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, a craving for attention and adoration, the inability to empathize, and having a bloated sense of self-worth. Are you recognizing all this as traits being written lately describing narcissism?

Trouble is, for many, being in the center of the universe usually includes having a false sense of self-worth. In fact, they have a need to puff themselves up because under all the self-hype they’re really feeling full of self-doubt and self-rejection with a tendency toward self-destructing by repeated self-sabotage.

When self-esteem is this low it is too humiliating and shameful to admit we made a mistake or were wrong. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions we tend to smear the bad feelings around by blaming others or by projecting our dark thoughts, vulnerabilities and fears onto others.

(Most recently I wrote about psychological projection last month in 'Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection': "Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.")

Because blaming ourselves is an easy self-rejecting place to go to, it becomes difficult or impossible to take responsibility for our actions.

I’m always reminding my coaching and psychotherapy clients: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself."

 

Saboteurs and Provocateurs

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior and mostly happens when self-doubt creeps in.

The definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper, hurt or undermine a cause.'

History offers this intriguing image of how the word came to be:

You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. During the Industrial Revolution discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it.

The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling.’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.

Just maybe, under all the President’s self-aggrandizement, grandiosity, self-importance and boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and ashamed. Maybe he can’t keep from reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught! Could it be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.

Saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the shit around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?

These behaviors easily promote chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. And by the way this is probably exactly how parents feel each time they walk into their toddler’s room and find the walls smeared with feces.

 

Self-Respect Instead of Self-Reject

Wouldn't it be great if we could become our own best supporter instead of our worst saboteur? Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose not to make messes, and avoid stepping in them?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could give ourselves some self-respect instead of self-reject?

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to have self-respect as a model of behavior from our leader?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Having ‘Thin Skin’ – Brooding, Blaming, Fuming, Lashing Out

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

How does it feel to be encased in thin skin? Hurt feelings? Overly-sensitive? Taking things personally? Easily triggered? Overreacting to perceived slights?

Does it mean retreating and nursing the hurt? Or becoming sullen? Or vindictive? Or blaming? Or lashing out?

 

The medical term “thin skin” describes skin that becomes thinner as we age —it loses its protective layer of cushioning and becomes fragile.

And yes, thin skin bruises easily . . . just like feelings. It only takes certain actions, words, a look or a tone of voice. Perceived slights just don’t roll off our back easily.

Cringe-worthy Memories

I’m hearing from colleagues, friends and clients about how recent White House behaviors and attitudes are bringing up painful family and school memories of criticism, insults, accusations, taunts, lashing out, easing, blaming, baiting or manipulating.

“Hearing about the discord in the White House, I’m realizing how chaotic and divisive my family life was. Mother would pit my sister and me against each other — driving a wedge between us and keeping us from being a united front against her. Each of us would compete with each other, trying to win her favor. ”

And another reaction:

“My mother would complain about one child to the other turning one against the other. I think her need was to get one of us to side with her and bolster her narcissism. She seemed to have a need to instill guilt in us. Over the years we learned to protect ourselves: One of us stopped speaking to her, and the other went to therapy to drop guilt from our repertoire.”

I know all about thin skin – I’ve lived in it most of my life.

When I was little, if someone looked at me funny I’d cry. I took about everything personally.

If I thought someone was upset with me I’d replay the last few days in my head. I’d pull out my ‘checklist’ of possible “offenses” and go over them in my mind, one at a time. And then once again.

When we were little we were probably hurt by words, looks, or tones of voice – whether they were intended or not. And we carry these cringe-worthy sensitive feelings into our adult years.

 

Enough Already

Finally in my late 30’s I realized how much my over-sensitivity was causing problems at home and at work. I knew I needed to make some changes in how I dealt with the people in my world:

- I decided I wanted to stop these knee-jerk responses when my feelings got hurt.
- I wanted to not revert to childish behavior when I got upset.- I wanted to have my embarrassments just be embarrassments instead of turning into shame.
- I wanted to stop acting like a petulant child, lashing out when I felt unsupported or betrayed.
- I wanted to acknowledge my part in something and not be so quick to blame others.
- I  wanted to stop brooding/fixating/dwelling/stewing/ruminating/agonizing about so many perceived slights. I’d be obsessing about what someone did or said –– or what they neglected to do or say. And go automatically into my painful mental checklist mode. This incessant dwelling and fuming sapped my energy and my productivity and left me depleted.

I especially wanted to better understand my thin-skinned challenges and begin to choose to do things differently.

The opportunity presented itself when I started psychology graduate school in my late 30’s. They strongly encouraged each of us being in therapy as part of the program.

I couldn’t find a therapist who understood my rejection challenges. “Poor Cinderella,” my first therapist would say to me.

There were no ‘self-help’ books out there on rejection or taking things personally. Not one! I realized how badly I needed this book, so I began to write Don’t Take It Personally!

I learned a lot writing this book. My therapy and consultation clients, workshop and book tour audiences have been amazing teachers.

“Nah Nah Nah Nahhh Nah”

Let’s talk about ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.

Some of us puff ourselves up which looks like bullying behavior. To not feel so inadequate, we inflate ourselves by diminishing others.
Sometimes we try to make someone ‘bad and wrong’ Or we give messages of, “If you are not for me, you are against me.”
Sometimes these perceived slights morph into perceived enemies, and we may even become suspicious of others' intentions.
Sometimes we become vindictive or vengeful. Sometimes we rant or throw a tantrum or lash out.
Sometimes we flail out in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves.
Sometimes we accuse others of the same behaviors we have done ourselves. (More about projection in a future blog.)

It’s as if we are putting our thumbs in our ears wiggling our fingers, sticking out our tongue and taunting “nah nah nah nahhh nah."

Two Great Tips

• It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:

"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?“

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past.

Can you create some distance by reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you don't find yourself taking things so personally?

More on what it feels like to have thin skin, how we try to protect ourselves and lots more tips on what to do about it in an upcoming e-letter/blog.

Do you have something to add here or have a story to tell?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

I Really Hate Being Lied To!

Elayne Savage, PhD

 

When someone lies to me I get a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts.

I know much of my overreaction comes from stockpiling early experiences.

I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted.

Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were  given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer.

This is especially true for those of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things.

And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

I hated it when I was the one accused of lying: “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying!

How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated!
I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.

I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — it looked as good as store-bought.

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.”

I was stupefied. Then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her.

If our impressions are discounted often, we learn to discount ourselves as well.

Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”

I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”

I can remember how members of my family seemed to be blathering nonsense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to guess their meaning.

When I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention.

There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.

It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality.

As the Cheshire Cat said, “We’re all crazy here.”

And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience  –  complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts and gaslighting.

 

So, what exactly is gaslighting?

When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.

The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane.

Gaslighting has become a popular term used to describe techniques now prevalent in The White House and Congress.

According to Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include

saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth.

Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on.

"Gaslighting" has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.

Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

I really don’t like being fooled.

What if someone believes their own lies? Does repeating a lie make it appear true?

And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy?

And what if they believe their own lies, and when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.

Deceit, lying and compromised reality testing are included in several entries of the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5) of the American Psychiatric Association including:

The section on Delusional Disorder
characterized by:
False beliefs based on incorrect inference about external reality that persist despite the evidence to the contrary
 . . .

The section on The Ten Personality Disorders
characterized by:
Distorted thinking patterns
Problematic emotional responses
Over- or under-regulated impulse control
Interpersonal difficulties

Friedrich Nietzsche really nailed it: “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

 So sad.

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

More on Lying and Liars

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Healing and Hope – Coming Together as Community

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 
During Thanksgiving dinner with friends, many at the table gave thanks for being able to come together as community.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we heal by coming together.

I wrote a piece after the election about the healing power of community and the pro-active spirit the spontaneous marching brought.

Two weeks later I wrote a tribute to my almost 23 year old cat, Elizabeth, who died two days before Thanksgiving. The community responses from my Facebook post have meant a lot and are doing so much to help me heal.

I’m including versions of both pieces in case there is something useful for you here. If there is, let me know.

Most of us would agree there is a need for healing in our country. There is fear and uncertainty and insecurity . . . and depression.
Issues we personally or socially care bout are in danger, Many who craved and voted for change in government are beginning to worry their health care and retirement benefits could be tampered with or even wiped out.

Are you, too, needing healing? Have you found a way to connect with others in your community who could use a little comforting as well?

I’d love to hear how you are taking care of yourself.
                                . . . . . .

On the Road to Healing: Overcoming Disappointment, Anger and Resentment

As you are aware, following the election tens of thousands of marchers across  the country came together. gave me hope.

I found it fascinating that many of these marchers are high school and college students. Many saying their confidence in a democracy that values human rights is eroding.

Marchers say they are speaking out because they feel discounted. Not heard. Invisible.

Hopelessness and Helplessness

My therapy clients of all ages are struggling with uncomfortable feelings coming to the surface. They are apprehensive and fearful – expressing hopelessness and helplessness about the unpredictability of what’s to come.  

These feelings are well-known symptoms of depression.

As a psychotherapist I know that feeling anger can be a healthy way to combat the ‘freeze-frame’ and listlessness of depression that interferes with work and relationships.

I know being proactive counteracts powerlessness. So I work with clients to strategize how to move forward – how to feel empowered by taking one step at a time.

The key is Action. Movement. Activity.

When a client is depressed I try to schedule morning sessions, which gets them up and out of bed and to my office.

We put words to the worries and fears. We discover ways they can be more present and aware of the world around them. Taking walks and ‘breathing in the colors’ works really well.

Whether or not you support the post-election marching, these marchers intuitively knew how to take care of themselves. By marching and chanting they could reclaim their voices. By taking action they didn’t feel so disappointed  or fearful or helpless and hopeless. By marching they could feel more empowered.

Disappointment Can Feel Like Rejection
 
Most of us have experienced disappointment in our lives and we may have been surprised and confused by the intensity of our feelings.

For many of us disappointment feels like rejection. We may even take it personally – feeling hurt, unsupported, or that it’s “just not fair.”

Where do these  feelings come from? Sometimes they actually begin in our early years.

Do you remember when you were little and had your heart set on that shiny red fire truck or new puppy or that curly-haired doll?
Do you remember how disappointed and hurt you were when you didn’t get it?

Were there times you weren’t chosen for the team, or you didn’t get that award you had your heart set on? Or you didn’t get asked to the prom?

How hurt were you?  My own hurt was connected to feeling not seen or heard or appreciated.

I’ve learned that unexpected disappointments remind me of the times in my childhood when I watched my hopes fizzle. I’m now aware how these little kid feelings get tangled up in my big person responses. I’m watching this happen as as I hear announcements of cabinet appointments and apparent congressional plans to  erode some  of the basic human rights I care deeply about.

Disappointments tend to stockpile. Each new disappointment echoes the last. When we encounter a new disappointment, our past past experiences may ignite and feelings of rejection can take over.

For some of us not feeling heard or seen can feel like a rejection of our very being. If  we push these feelings down they might even grow into anger and resentment.

Resentment Can Be Toxic

Resentment takes up enormous space and restricts our ability to connect with others. If we dwell on perceived injustices it affects our ability to be productive. Resentment is a great immobilizer.

One of the best ways to curtail resentment is to create space to voice feelings
and hopes.

Coming Together as Community

The post-election wave of pro-active activity allowed folks to find their voice and speak their feelings in a validating atmosphere. They are finding ways to talk together in living rooms, public places, and social media, I’m even hearing stories about Uber passengers and their drivers offering each other consolation and hope.

Amidst all that hopelessness, hope is alive. The marchers decision to raise their voices and be heard requires hope. There is hope in their determination to be engaged in our future. There is healing and hope in coming together as community.
I find this reassuring amid all the uncertainty. 
                                  . . . . . .

Goodbye Sweet Elizabeth . . .

Almost 23 years old! And not ready to let go – until now.

You have been such a sweet and loving girl. I am very grateful for you and for all you have taught me these 18 years you have been with me.

You have been admired by many. When somehow you left the house for the first time a couple of weeks ago and wandered down to the street, someone thought you were lost and drove you to the animal emergency hospital. The staff told me a nurse there was hoping no one would claim you so she could take you home with her! You certainly had quite an adventure on your very first sleepover, and clearly you got lots and lots of attention there. But when I located you the next day, you just threw your arms around my neck.

You have won over many hearts in your almost 23 years . . .

I remember the first time I met you. I noticed your bright blue eyes right away.
I loved how you came to your cage door, gave your squeaky little meow and touched my fingers with your nose. Like you were saying, “Take me home!” And of course I did . . .

I know you finally tired of all the pill taking and hydration infusions. It was hard for me watching you not eating for days and days at a time, even thought the Reiki energy sessions helped.

I decided to post this photo of you getting your blood pressure checked last month -– with the smallest cuff ever!

I know it hasn't been easy becoming deaf and mostly blind. I so respect your spunk! And your dignity and your perseverance. You have been quite a model of graceful aging. I'm grateful for you. And I’ll really miss you.

Goodbye sweet Elizabeth . . .


© Elayne Savage, PHD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

My Mortifying Personal Experience with “Just Locker Room Talk”

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

A few years ago someone I did not personally know posted an outrageous sexual accusation about me to 34 members of his fraternity alumni email list. The 'event' supposedly took place five decades ago!

I was mortified.

 

 

It has been six years since this degrading experience and even though it has been an unsettling memory, this is the first time I have summoned up enough to write about it.

Why now? the President's “Just Locker Room Talk” excuse brought up memories of the excuse given to the fraternity email list: "an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor.“ 

Really? Yes – the good ole 'boys will be boys' justification!

This poisonous post was in response to the blog I published describing my joyful return to the University of Alabama to speak at the memorial honoring a college mentor. My brother enthusiastically shared my Alabama experience with the fraternity email list. The responses were wonderfully appreciative and supportive. Except for this one.

First he sent a private email to my brother making the decades old accusation about me. Then 10 minutes later, he decided to share his clever humor with the whole list. But this time he embellished it, adding more lurid details.

He described sexual behavior supposedly involving me and happening five decades ago! (And he thought it would be a nice touch to add, “she should change the name of the news letter to 'tits from the queen of rejection.')

This was crazy making. Surreal. What he was describing when I was a Senior and he was a Freshman never happened. I only knew him in passing and I had never been to the supposed�