Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Dumped! - Dealing with Loss and Abandonment

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Dumped! - Dealing with Loss and Abandonment
2. Losses come in all shapes and sizes
3. Losing a chunk of childhood
4. Fearing another abandonment -– the most profound rejection fear
    of all
5. Fear of loss influences how we love
6. Tips - dealing with loss and abandonment
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. DUMPED! - DEALING WITH LOSS AND ABANDONMENT
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

When I was a little girl, one day I was nestling in my father’s
lap. Feeling safe. Secure. Content.

Then, someone came into the room and he suddenly stood up. I went
tumbling to the floor.

What a shock to my system! So many confusing feelings: surprise,
disbelief, anger, embarrassment . . .and fear.

Just a moment earlier, I was feeling safe and secure. In an
instant my world changed. 

Looking back at that childhood experience with the
understanding of an adult, I can see that I felt abandoned and
betrayed by someone I trusted. I know this sounds dramatic, but
I do believe my ability to totally trust changed on that day.

I haven’t thought about that lap incident in many years. The
memory came flooding back recently when I received an email
breaking off a 3 1/2 year long distance relationship. It felt
like getting dumped on the floor all over again.

Even though he has since changed his mind about breaking up,
the email was a shock to my system. No wonder the memories of
that lap incident surfaced.

I started thinking about the impact that Rejection, Abandonment, Disappointment
and Loss can have on us.

2. LOSSES COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES

I’m especially aware how each new loss in the present can
bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long
forgotten, they can pack a wallop:

- Losing friends,
- Losing loved ones
- Losing pets
- Losing jobs
- Losing recognition or promotions
- Losing prestige
- Losing face
- Losing self-esteem
- Losing expectations and illusions
- Losing dreams

There are other losses as well:

- Loss of support
- Loss of respect
- Loss of security
- Loss of vitality
- Loss of health
- Loss of lifestyle
- Loss of professional identity

There’s a different kind of loss in the sadness we feel in a
breakup of a relationship. All the energy that we put into
anticipation of a future with that person is gone – poof.

We find ourselves experiencing a huge loss: a loss of what
might have been. It leaves a big space in there.

And what about the little losses?

Most of us recognize the big-ticket losses in our lives: the
breakup of a relationship, the death of a loved one, and the
loss of a job. But what about all the little losses we
experience as well?

Too often we don’t give much importance to grieving these smaller
losses. We tend to minimize the loss and disappointment. We say 
to ourselves, “It’s no big deal, I can handle it.” Then we tuck away
our feelings and go about our life. Or someone says, “Get over it”
and we buy into that directive.

Trouble is, these losses, big and small, tend to stockpile. Then they
reappear whenever the next loss crosses our path.

Some of us have experienced more than our share of losses.
Maybe we moved from house to house, school district to school
district, town to town. Sometimes we couldn’t even say a proper
goodbye to treasured friends or teachers. 

3. LOSING A CHUNK OF CHILDHOOD

I lost a huge chunk of my childhood following the deaths of my
mother and grandmother in a Mason City, Iowa plane crash when I was 12 years old.
For the next several years I walked around in a haze.

Their deaths brought on full-fledged feelings of abandonment,
of course. There was no encouragement or support from family be sad
or to grieve.

I do know that in order to move on with our lives, we have to
make our losses real and grieve them.

Recently, these many decades later, I made a pilgrimage to a
DC-3 to properly grieve the loss of the lineage of women in
my family.

Perhaps one day soon I’ll write about it here.  Some of you have
heard me tell the story in my speaking programs.

Abandonment experiences and fears color our relationships in
profound ways, influencing how we interact with others and how
they interact with us.

4. FEARING  ANOTHER ABANDONMENT-THE MOST PROFOUND REJECTION
   FEAR OF ALL

In Breathing Room — Creating Space to Be a Couple (New
Harbinger) I write: “One woman has such a strong reaction
when a relationship ends that she sometimes finds herself
hyperventilating. It doesn’t seem to make any difference
which person ends the relationship.

“I feel as if I can’t get enough air into my lungs, as
if I can’t breathe,” she relates. “Sometimes I even think
I might die. Yes, I know it’s not just about the breakup.
I know that it’s related to my father dying when I was a
child. I just don’t do well at all when people leave me.
Every new ‘leaving’ feels like another death. I guess a part
of me dies, too.”

However, losses don’t have to be huge to feel like
abandonment.  Losing friends can feel like that. Losing
support. Losing recognition. Losing prestige. Losing
respect. Losing professional identity. 

5. FEAR OF LOSS INFLUENCES HOW WE LOVE

Certainly fear of loss influences how we love.

And again from Breathing Room: “Millie experienced such
fears, but she didn’t know it. She only knew how anxious
she got whenever she and her partner fought. So she dealt
with her fear by frequently threatening to leave her partner.
It was very controlling, to be sure—but what it really
controlled was her own anxiety about being left.”

6. TIPS - DEALING WITH LOSS AND ABANDONMENT

Abandonment fears are not easy to tame. It’s oh-so-easy
to catastrophize them, to let them spill over into
everything.  Unless you can keep them contained.

It’s important to put your losses in perspective.

•   Give a voice to your feelings.

•   Give yourself permission to be sad or angry (or even relieved.)

•   Remind yourself that this present loss is being
    influenced and affected by all of your past losses no
    matter how small they may seem.

•   Yes, you can actually speak to and calm the fears of
    that part of you that is the most upset—that child part
    of you

•   Can you visualize a container in which you keep your fears of
    loss and abandonment? What does it look like?

•   Find some creative ways to make your losses real and
    grieve them.

•   Let the part of you that knows how to deal with these
    setbacks lead the way for the part of you that is
    confused and floundering.

A few days before the 'Dear Elayne' email, I had suffered
another loss. A loss of feeling safe.  A homeless man
attacked my car while I was sitting in it. He threatened me
and made some good-sized dents in the car.

A friend reminded me that a dented car is not the same as
a dented heart. Yes, that is true. However, at the same
time, I know that I must honor both incidents as losses.
And both will have an affect on me for a long time to come.

Trite though it may sound, it helps me when I remind myself
that losses give me the opportunity to see things through
a different perspective. There's always something to learn
about life- when I choose to.

You may want to read Judith Viorst's classic, Necessary Losses.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation and Gratitude

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives Appreciation and     Gratitude
 2. A Generous Helping of Gratitude
 3. Ample Appreciation
 4. Smoothing Out the Ripples
 5. Appreciate That You Can Take Good Care of Yourself
 6. And On A Personal Note
 7. Contacting Elayne
 8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation
and Gratitude
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Thanksgiving this year takes on a whole new meaning. Gloom and
doom permeates the economic landscape.  it becomes more difficult
to feel grateful. 

And yet, isn't that Thanksgiving is all about? Giving thanks? Many
families even have a Thanksgiving tradition where each person
at the table gives thanks for what they are grateful for.

Why not use this time to reconsider and perhaps change our perspective
a bit?

A GENEROUS HELPING OF GRATITUDE

My friend, Mike Robbins,  in his book 'Focus on the Good Stuff'' (John
Wiley & Sons) has a lot to say about gratitude: "When we focus on
what we are grateful for, we alter not only our perspective, but also our
state of being. In fact, feeling and being grateful is a great way to
transform our negativity: it can help snap us out of a bad mood, get us
back on track, and keep us moving forward in a positive direction."

Mike suggests  how  you can create more gratitude in your life:
"Keep a Gratitude Journal
Share your Gratitude with others.
Create a morning or evening Gratitude ritual.
Ask people what they are grateful for."
http://www.Mike-Robbins.com

AMPLE APPRECIATION

Another friend, Sally Strackbein, offers these encouraging ideas about
appreciation: 

"It took some practice for me to shift from noticing what's wrong to
noticing what's right.

Some people will tell you to start a gratitude journal. It doesn't have to be
about gratitude. It's about point of view. You don't need to be grateful
when you see a happy child. Just let the joy waft over to you.

You could be grateful when you hear beautiful music, but that would
change your perspective from noticing the music to noticing your hearing.
It's easier to just pay attention. Just notice the nice then, little by little, you
will find your mood getting more and more positive.

And yet, the our losses from the economic downturn experiencing, we
can find ways to open our eyes and appreciate in a different way.
Here's how you can protect yourself from the negativity trap and
shift to the bright side.

As you go about your day, ask yourself, "What do I see, hear, smell, taste,
or touch that I like?"
Take a moment right now and notice your surroundings. What
 do you notice
that you like?  Start with small, inconsequential things.
What else? See how easy that was? Make a note in your calendar to
look for the good stuff. When you are positive, you attract positive into
your life. Isn't that what you want?" 
http://www.DefiningStory.com

I, too, have a favorite way of opening up to the world around me: When
I take a walk, even around the block, I remind myself to breathe in the
colors around me - houses, plants, flowers, sky.This simple act has a
powerful effect on my senses.

Wouldn't it be great if the daily onslaught of bad news opens our eyes
to enhanced appreciation and gratitude?

SMOOTHING OUT THE RIPPLES

In the meantime, Thanksgiving is approaching. Here are some tips for
helping those sometimes rocky family gatherings go as smoothly as
possible. Sometimes the cast of characters that shows up is like watching
Theatre of the Absurd.

These tips, just in case you can use them, will help you get through the
Holidays:

- Uncle Walter is baiting you again with his political rants. DON'T BITE.
Avoid doing the fish and the fisherman routine. Be direct and tell him you
don't want to discuss that subject.

- Oh, no, Aunt Helen showed up. Her unrelenting teasing makes you feel so self-conscious. She's embarrassed you ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

- Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments about your weight
and broadcasting, "You really don't need that second slice of pie." You feel
rejected and humiliated. What do you do?

Remember you have CHOICES now. When he teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices. Now you can remind yourself
you don’t have to stay there. You can leave the room gracefully to regain your composure.

APPRECIATE THAT YOU CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

Here are some great tips for taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
to get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

These are examples of taking TIME-OUTS. Excusing yourself, breathing,
counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE
As this Thanksgiving approaches, I feel even more appreciative and grateful
for the love and support of my family and friends. I'm especially grateful for being
able to enjoy my 14 month-old grandbaby, Cora.

And even though Burt and I are no longer together, I'm grateful for the five
wonderful years of memories and adventures we made. He is an amazing
man and he will continue to have an effect on my life.

And I'm appreciative of the notes and suggestions from all of you over the
last two years.  This issue of  'Tips from the Queen of Rejection' begins our
third year.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Elayne

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
     More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
 2. Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around
 3. Littering Along the Campaign Trail
 4. The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection
 5. A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?
 6. About Those 'Blind Spots'
 7. Getting a Handle on Projection
 8. Contacting Elayne
 9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I described intense reactions from my coaching and psychotherapy clients to the negative election campaigning. Especially unsettling were the doses of distortions, unpredictability, threats and fear, distractions, deflections and denial.

If you missed the piece, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/09/index.html

These days I'm hearing about another disturbing effect of this campaign: accusations appearing in the form of psychological projection. Let's take a look at some of the behaviors and how they affect our relationships. These are my impressions and are not meant to be a political statement.

Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around

Psychological projection is when one person mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in
him or herself. They may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.

When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Littering Along the Campaign Trail

Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, negative ads.  More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the mortgage industry.

And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."

Lately allegations are also surfacing as infighting within one of the campaigns. Team members are accusing each other of wrongdoing.

The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.

It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection

So let's take a look at how projection operates and how it affects relationships.

Anytime you have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can  shoot up. Your tendency would be to protect yourself from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common way is to unconsciously attribute them to others.

When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. You might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.

A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?

When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits  become our 'shadow side.'

For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable. So he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.

So he says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry."  Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.

So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? He might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper.'

He may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.

In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.

He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.

In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees his or her own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.

The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies. 

About Those 'Blind Spots'

I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple': Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them." 
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

In other words, we learn to reject certain parts of ourselves.

These traits are so well hidden that they become our 'blind spots' and affect our relationships with others. When we can't see something, it's difficult to choose to change it.

Getting a Handle on Projection

Have you ever noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include your anger, your sadness, your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in relationships. It helps to get a handle on it. AND it would give self-acceptance a chance to flourish.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round — Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
     Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally
 2. Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens
 3. A Trainload of Personal Attacks
 4. And Then There's the Lying
 5. Bullying Someone into Action
 6. Threats and Fear
 7. The Scariness of Unpredictability
 8. Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
 9. "You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
10. The Trickle-Down effect
11. "What's Going to Happen to Me?"
12 . Contacting Elayne
13 . Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes my head swim. There's a creepy rejection and deception energy swirling around as we lurch through this election campaign. It has an unsettling effect on me. I feel confused. Uneasy. Queasy. Scared.

Moreover, I'm realizing I seem to be absorbing this negativity. and it is polluting my work and personal relationships.

I'm hearing similar musings from my coaching and psychotherapy clients, friends and colleagues. They talk about being uncomfortable, "off kilter," "filled with dread." I hear phrases like:  "it's crazy-making," and "it feels like a kick in the gut." They talk about how snippy and snarly they have been with other people at home, in the workplace, in the marketplace. 

Me too. I seem to be edgy, taking things personally. Losing my cool.

Then I got it. It's the Political Campaign. We're reacting to and reflecting the outrageous behaviors and misbehaviors.  Picking up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitating it.

I began thinking this through, looking for the causes of these uncomfortable behaviors folks are describing.

Writing about it helps. Why not share my thoughts and feelings with you. so I include here a bit of an overview of some ideas I've been thinking about.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement. My descriptions are my impressions of some behaviors that appear to  exist and how they affect us.

I'm thinking that giving language and form to some of the  feelings that could be surfacing, may help us get through the election and beyond.

Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens

So I took out my trusty through the rejection-lens and studied the creature. Up close and personal. That's the problem of course. There is way too much up close and personal in this campaign. There is an uncomfortable amount of in-your-face onslaught.

In the January 2008 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®, I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.

I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.'  More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html

When I wrote those words during the primaries, I didn't dream how much the viciousness of the attacks would escalate.

A Trainload of Personal Attacks

I've never seen an election like this one and it's really getting to me. every day I I feel contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others.

Maybe you, too, find yourself reacting the way I do to this bombardment of rejection messages. And every hour of every day the press reports these out of control behaviors.

'Mocking' is the Word du Jour. But last week and the week before there were lots of other rejection words: Belittling, Scoffing, Slighting, Insulting, Faulting, Deceiving. Accusing, Attacking, Criticizing. 

Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising and the dozens of others.

The common denominator of these words is rejection. And rejection hurts.

I cringe when I hear these stories of people disrespecting each other like this. It makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up on the receiving end of subtle and not-so-subtle rejection messages. From family, teachers and peers. Perhaps you did too.

And Then There's the Lying

I used to hate it when I was lied to as a kid. I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I'd give myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth.

I was unbelievably sensitive to lying when I was a child. I remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know.  But it wasn't easier for me.

I never quite forgave my father for that.

This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I even  find myself checking things out with FactCheck.org every day.

Bullying Someone into Action

The current crisis of the economy reminds me of another critical message from long ago. Someone would be commanding me to "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up."  In order to please and not get into trouble, some of us felt the need to drop everything and rush to action or into a decision.

My own discomfort rises as I watch congress feel the need to "hurry up." My stomach knots up at the memory.

Threats and Fear

It's not too hard for me to become fearful when something sounds like a threat. I grew up with lots of that. "If you don't behave, I'll leave you in the department store." or "Wait until your father gets home."

As you can imagine, fear-based campaigning has a potent effect on me. It sends shivers up my spine. It messes with my sense of security. And affects how I
interact with others in my life.

The Scariness of Unpredictability

If you ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you know how it feels to be afraid.

This campaign has surely had its twists and turns and excitement. However sometimes the line gets crossed with a bit too much drama. Frankly, I can do without it. It's a little too reminiscent of my growing up experiences. Sheesh.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Another way this election is getting to me concerns the evasions, deflections and distractions. Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

My brother Lee and I would joke that our father sometimes talked like he had a mouth full of cotton. Insulating and sound-proofing himself.

I find the attempts at election event postponements quite irritating. And many of my clients say it troubles them as well. Postponements are disappointing. And disappointments feel like rejections. Especially when we have certain expectations and are looking forward to something.

Some of my clients are reminded of growing up in a divorced household. They remember how they'd look forward to a visit from mom or dad. And when it got postponed and didn't materialize, it was devastating. There's that self-rejecting message again: "They don't care enough. I'm not worth it. I'm no good."

"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."

For me, the most uncomfortable and confusing part  of this whole surreal election drama is the repeated denial of present and previous statements and actions.

Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.

It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was putting cotton in my ears or pulling the wool over my eyes.

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.

The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. You might say this inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.'

Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ." 

I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. Certainly brings up feelings of rejection. And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

This behavior has been recently referred to as "gaslighting.'

The Trickle-Down Effect

When I'm feeling affected by what the world is throwing at me, it helps a lot to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' (Similar terms are 'parallel process' and 'social contagion.')

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well.  One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it. 

This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate.

Allen Roland - http://www.AllenRoland.com - calls this Rivero's Rule of mass morals. Where "organizations inherit the personality and moral ethics of the person at the very top." 

"What's Going to Happen to Me?"

The way I look at it, here is the bottom line for many of us. The experience of this campaign is similar to that of a child when parents are arguing, hurling insults, hurting each other. And in the child's mind, the family is falling apart right before their eyes. This is a very devastating time this can be.

And the child wonders, "What's going to happen to me?"

© Elayne Savage, PhD

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace,
    With Peers
2. Facing off with the Blackberries
3. 'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
4. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
5. The 'Code of the Streets'
6. Bully-Busting Tips
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers
By Elayne Savage, PhD

OK, so this August e-letter is just under the wire. They don't 
call me 'under-the-wire-Elayne' for nothing. No excuses though.
Nor am I  going to give myself a hard time about it. That would
be self-bullying.  That's not good. I choose, instead, to be
compassionate. With myself.

I guess I have bullying on my mind these days. I know I just
wrote about workplace bullying last month.

Everywhere I turn I hear bully stories. I hear the stories from my
coaching, consultation and psychotherapy clients. I hear the
stories from workshop participants when I present a program.

Bullying stories are all around me in surround sound. Work
related, school-based, Internet-aided.

On  top of all this, there are the amplified attacks on the
political campaign trail. Bully behavior.

Each time I hear a new story or read about the latest political
barb, it reminds me how devastating a bullying experience can be.
How deeply it penetrates. How powerful an effect it can have for
years to come. Even one bad experience. Especially in childhood.

You've probably guessed I was one of those bullied children.

Facing off with the Blackberries

Something happened the other day which brought me face to face
with the memory of those old hurts. I had a surreal encounter
with a blackberry bush in my back yard. I was stretching for that
just out of reach cluster of ripe berries. And stretching. Deeper
and deeper into the thicket.

Before I knew it, the brambles wrapped around me. Tighter and
tighter. The thorns tore my skin. It was pretty scary. The
tendrils took on a life of their own.

I was in their clutches and couldn't escape. "How can this be
happening to me?"

I felt  'caught' and helpless. Not too different from that
powerless feeling of getting bullied. I wasn't taking very good
care of myself to get into this situation. Much like the times I
got bullied as a child. I walked right into it.

I managed to extricate myself but not without causing lots of
damage.

Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how
bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it
personally and how it affects self-esteem.

'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'

Recently I was interviewed by Regan McMahon for a really
informative piece on childhood bullying. It appeared on the front
page of the Sunday SF Chronicle on 8/17/08.

It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link: 

http://tinyurl.com/665ru4

Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'

With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am
transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful
incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C.
when I was mortified in front of everyone on the playground.
I was 5 years old.

I describe this experience in my first book DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION:

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

"One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited--all the girls would

see me walking with him.

Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand.
(Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to,
he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I
felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off.

I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He'd dug his
fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me
to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides
that, it really hurt.

It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're
treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel
cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're
treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of
ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive,
scars form--that are not easily healed.

As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident
didn't just evaporate. It affected my ability to trust others
for many years to come.

For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like
me, what I might have done to cause him to do that to me. I'll
bet that boy had no idea he'd have such a profound influence on
my future social development."

The 'Code of the Streets'

We learn the rules of behavior on our neighborhood streets.
Respect is the essence of this "code of the streets."
Who doesn't yearn to be accorded esteem?

You learn the hard way that you're nothing without respect and
you do what it takes to get it.  On some streets this means
showing off by being the brightest, most clever or most cunning.
On other streets this means developing a talent for "dissing"
others by tough talk, bullying or aggressive behaviors. You
learn the importance of "saving face."

Growing up in DC, I was confused by how the 'lines in the sand'
got drawn in my neighborhood. One morning I'd be playing with
the girl next door. That afternoon her older brother would
threaten to beat me up.

Later the parents would lean over the row house railing and
spit on my front porch. . Did I take it personally? You bet I
did. What a bewildering and rejecting growing up experience for
a child. Bully behavior.

These were tough lessons, but I did learn from them well enough
to share my lessons with you.

Bully-Busting Tips

Here, again, are my tips for handling bullies (from the 'Don Imus
the Schoolyard Bully' e-letter:

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html 

10 TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    - The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
          Maybe all of the above.

    - When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
      lot of space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your
      space so you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    - The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    - FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.

    - Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                          

    - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    - Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________." 
      When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    - Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly.

    - You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    - And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

You can read more on bullying and how to handle it from my
March 2008 e-letter: 'Take Those Miserable Middle School
Memories . . . Please'

http://tinyurl.com/639zgq

The long-term effects of bullying are evident by the many of
Internet responses to the SF Chronicle Bullying article. And by
the emails I received. Lots of folks described how the article
reawakened memories of earlier experiences - often from
childhood. Memories that replay again and again in their adult
lives. Mostly affecting trust.

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

You don't have to keep re-living painful memories.
Especially when they might be interfering with present day
professional or personal relationships.
Contact me to see if a consultation could be helpful to you.

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages. 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Workplace Nightmares Revisited

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
July, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Workplace Nightmares Revisited
2. A Sick Sense of Humor
3. The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve
4. Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?
5. The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Workplace Nightmares Revisited
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I really dreaded attending the memorial service for my friend
Bill last month. My workplace experiences with Bill leave fond
and rich memories. And I expected there'd be folks at the service
I'd be glad to see.

Yet, the amount of anxiety I felt was huge.

I envisioned being stuck in the same room with people I did not
want to see. People who elicit very unpleasant memories from my
days (years!) in Child Welfare in the City and County of San
Francisco. I didn't know who I would run into. I just hoped I
wouldn't feel the need to run out of there.

During my many years at that agency I felt unappreciated and
disrespected. And at times, even used and abused.

No wonder I was feeling anxious about seeing the old gang.

Would I run into someone who used to make my life miserable?
What if I'm sitting behind someone who tried to get me fired? 
What would I do if I found myself face-to-face with that
supervisor who orchestrated that memo announcing my immediate
transfer?

A Sick Sense of Humor

One morning when I was away from the office and with a client, I
got a call from my coworkers informing me I was to be immediately
transferred to another job assignment. The memo, signed
by the Program Director, had arrived on my desk that morning.

Two of my coworkers arranged to meet me for lunch.  We tried to 
reassure and console each other.

Finally, after a day of agonizing about what this transfer would
mean for me, for my clients and for my coworkers, we found out
the truth.

At 4 pm the supervisor in an adjoining unit, 'fessed up. "It was
just a little April Fool's joke," he said.

The word in the 'hood' was that he was trying to teach me a lesson.
I had recently disagreed with him about an idea he offered  at a
voluntary lunchtime ad hoc meeting. So folks thought he was
retaliating by writing that transfer memo.
He forged the signature of the Program Director.

It's interesting to note that no one even questioned that the
Program Director might send such a capricious memo. That's the
kind of dysfunctional place we were working in.

As you can tell, these many years later, I'm still upset about his
little joke.

Did I take it personally?  Well yes and no.
Coworkers were pretty sure the joke was personal because of the
retaliatory aspects.

I did, however, realize his actions were more about him and his
insecurities, then about me.

I was hurt mostly by the mean-spiritedness of it all. And upset by
getting thrown off balance by the unexpectedness of the
'assignment change.'

Old hurts can stick around a long time.

And thanks for asking. Mr. Ghosh wasn't at the memorial service so
I didn't have to run into him.

The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve

Another concern I had before Bill's memorial service:
What if ran into one of the supervisors who felt they had to
evaluate me as a mediocre social worker because the agency
evaluated employee performance on a bell-shaped curve?

I was many things, but I was sure I was not a mediocre
Child Welfare Worker.

As you may know, with the bell-shaped curve, any ratings out of
the middle range required written justification. That means an
outstanding rating or a poor rating means more work for the
supervisor.

Quite frankly some of the supervisors were too lazy
to write anything extra. Lucky for anyone who was a defective
employee. But this practice also meant our hard work in Child
 Welfare jobs would go unrecognized. Our strengths were not
acknowledged. We were not validated for the difficult and
thankless jobs we performed. In fact, by using the bell-shaped
curve our strengths were dismissed.  It feels a lot like
rejection!

It's hard not to take something personally when people distort the
truth to benefit themselves. Even if it's not intended, it
feels like rejection.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, It feels like rejection.

I don't take kindly to rejection. I got pretty angry on that
Bell-Shaped Curve day.  If I remember correctly, I grabbed a box
of paper clips and threw them at the nearest wall. It made a big
mess.

You can bet a complaint about THAT action went into my personnel
folder that very day!

Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?

Let's look a bit more at performance evaluations and how easy it
is to take them personally.

For some of us, Just having a performance review can be
nerve-wracking. Doesn't it just conjure up ALL the times from
childhood where some authority figure found you lacking in some
way. Or you feared they might.

For some of us, this is especially true of our experiences in
school.

So here you are face to face with your manager who is about to
give you a performance review. And all those old fears begin to
come up.

Truth be told, it's hard to sit there and listen to anything the
least bit critical without emotionally flooding. It's difficult to
stay grounded.

It's hard for most of us to ask intelligent questions to clear
up any confusion.
It's hard to sit calmly and check out what you think you heard
the other person say.

Instead, many of us go immediately to that old negative self-talk
place. It translates to some variation of, "What's wrong with me?"

-You may begin to doubt yourself and mistrust your judgment. This
is especially true when your superior's perception of your
performance differs hugely from your own.
-You may feel 'dissed' or demeaned
-You may get angry or hurt or both.
-You may feel blind-sided and betrayed by a manager you trusted.
-You may even tell yourself "they are out to get you."

What if I ran into the supervisor who wrote an evaluation
criticizing me for working during some lunchtimes? He was the
same one who complained on my evaluation that I was too tenacious
in doing my job. He actually tried to get me fired for that.

Bullying. Harassment. Hard not to take it personally.

Hmmmmmmm. It was pretty crazy-making to be criticized in writing
for the very same traits I consider my strengths. I would say
that tenacity and perseverance have been saving graces in my
successful endeavors. Especially publishing two books and dozens
of articles.

And what an energy drain it was to have to take the time to
counter such an evaluation.
Energy that would have been better spent concentrating on my
clients. Or myself. Or my family.

That's the thing about taking something personally and feeling
hurt and angry. It robs both work and personal relationships of
productivity and effectiveness. That's the point I make in my
speaking and training programs.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/programs.htm

The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal

As I stepped through the door of the Columbarium in San Francisco,
the first person I encountered was signing the guest book just
ahead of me.
Would you believe he was one of the people I dreaded seeing. A
perfectly nice man who was caught in the uncomfortable position of
being pushed by upper management to give me a hard time.

So what did I do?  I walked up to him, introduced myself, offered 
my hand and greeted him warmly. Once I navigated that encounter,
the rest of the day went pretty well.

I reconnected with folks I used to see but lost contact with. And I
connected with a few I really liked and appreciated but hadn't seen
in 25 years. And it looks like we're going to stay in touch. I'm grateful for
the opportunity. Thanks, Bill, for that.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I included here a few stories about my difficult experiences
in the workplace. What about yours?  Do you have stories you'd
like to share. I'd like to hear them.

'Til next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ^®
June, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
2. The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw
3. Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships
4. A Turning Point
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I lost my long-time friend Bill a few days ago.  It was sudden and
unexpected. A stroke. He was dead before the day was over.

Bill is the first of my close peers to die. It's hitting me hard.

Bill and I were San Francisco Social Workers. We knew each other
casually in the late 60's. We'd pass in the hall, nod and go about
our business.

Then one day we rode the elevator together. "Hey, I hear you're a
Scorpio chick" he said in his quiet, measured way. Turns out we
both have November birthdays.

That conversation was the beginning of a Scorpio bond that has
lasted 40 years.

Somewhere along the way (25 or so years ago) we started
exchanging birthday cards. We never missed a year.

The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw

Our friendship grew when we were assigned to the same Child
Welfare Unit and we ended up sitting next to each other.

We didn't get much work done, but we talked a lot. Mostly
about our fears, our disappointments, our dreams, our fantasies.
And we exchanged some secrets, too.

One day Bill told me about his household pet. A wolf. What a
tip-off to how unique and unusual my desk mate really was. He
grinned that sly Bill grin and quoted his landlady, "That's the
damned ugliest dog I ever saw."

We did a lot of grousing about the system and the bosses and how
frustrating it was trying to make a difference with the families
we served. Thankless work, difficult work environment, but we
could support and make a difference for each other.

I learned some fascinating stuff about Bill from our wonderful
talks.

And I learned so much FROM him as well. He taught me many life
lessons.

He showed me how to figure out what the mood of the day would
be in our unit. How we could 'read' our supervisor's mood by
listening to the sound of how she walked into the office.
(Actually, this lesson refreshed an old skill I'd developed
as a child when I leaned to 'read' my parents moods and to
stay out of their way.)

One day Bill talked to me about how he was preparing for lunch
with an old friend. He carefully thought out questions in advance
that he could ask during his time with his friend. He actually
strategized the conversation. Wow. I've always totally flown by
the seat of my pants. What a revelation in conversation
possibilities.

Bill taught me how to stay sane in an insane work environment.
He taught me how to relax a little and not take my job (or myself)
so seriously.

And he taught me how to not take things so personally as well.
And that was decades before I wrote the 'Don't Take it Personally!'
book! Imagine that.

Mostly I'm grateful to Bill for opening my perspective on viewing
the world. His take on things and reflections has truly illuminated
new terrain for me over the years.

It's been 25 years since I Ieft that toxic work environment. Bill retired a
few years after I left.

Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships

I wish we had kept in touch more often. Sometimes years passed
without face-to-face contact.

Yet there were always the birthday cards.

These last years, sometimes he'd warn me a card might be a little late
because he and his wife Tuzie were in Russia or Ireland or Australia.
But the card always arrived. And it was always special. In fact, every
one was unusual. Very Bill.

And I got to choose a card to send him each year too. Shopping
for a card for him was an adventure. I put a lot of energy into
finding the 'right' statement that would honor Bill's spirit and
uniqueness.

Each friendship has its own specialness and cadence and energy.
Sometimes it's not necessary to be in direct or even frequent
contact with someone we care about.

The essence of that person is infused into our heart, mind and soul.
They become part of our being.

Bill was such a person for me. Bigger than life. And we always
seemed to be able to pick up where we left off.

Much of our contact this last year and a half has been around
my e-letters. I've loved receiving emails with his thoughtful
reflections. He'd say how something I wrote 'struck a chord' for
him.

And he'd write me his thoughts at 3 or 4am, recounting how his
memories came flooding back about a particular life experience.
Or about some conundrum. Or some vision or hope.

So now I'm struggling with the realization that there won't be
anymore thoughtful email exchanges. Or birthday cards. Or walks
and talks about the meaning of life.  Recently we experienced a
new kind of bond when I joined Bill in the ranks of
grandparenthood. There won't be any more conversations about
that, either.

A Turning Point

As I said earlier, Bill is the first of my close peers to die.
His death has brought home a reminder of the preciousness of
friendship.

I’m such an old hand at experiencing loss. I'm a little surprised
I’m having such a hard time with the loss of Bill.

I was out of town when I got the voicemail message from a friend
of his family asking me to call Bill's wife. When you get a
message like that, you know something big is up. I was totally
unprepared when Bill's wife Tuzie told me he'd had 'a massive
cerebral hemorrhage' and died the same day.

You may be thinking that my struggle with Bill's death is about
my own mortality. You are right. His death brings me face to face
with my own fears. Big time.

After all, Bill was just a few years older than me. And here's
something else as well. Something I've never told anyone. When
I was 7 years old my mom told me the story of a neighbor kid who
died of a brain hemorrhage. Looking back, I can see she was most
likely passing along to me her own anxiety about this child's
death. I grew up believing such a thing could happen to me too.

And now it has happened to Bill. So the fears of that 7-year-old
just came alive. In living color.

There's another even bigger fear present as well. My overwhelming
fear of abandonment - that people I care about will leave. I’m
especially vulnerable when partings are sudden or unexpected.

Some of you know about the plane crash that took my mother and
grandmother when I was twelve. Each time I endure a loss, I relive
the fears of that child.
Poof. They are gone and I'm alone. And the burning question
endures: "What's going to happen to me?"

Losses come in so many shapes, sizes, textures and colorations. 
And big or small, they tend to stockpile. The layers build, just
waiting to reappear whenever the next loss to appears. In order to
grieve a loss and move on, we have to make the loss real.

I guess I'm doing this by immersing myself in memories of Bill and
in saved email correspondence from him, and as I write this now.

These losses and fears are swirling around me as I write. A blast
of chill air starts in the pit of my stomach, moves to the small
of my back, up my spine to the nape of my neck and across my
shoulders.

There are moments when it's difficult to breathe. I want to
open the window and take in big gulps of air.

I want to cry, but the sound gets stuck in my throat. It comes out
as a moan. Sometimes it sounds more like a wail.
Plaintive. Forlorn. Aching.

And at the same time, I can see that my way of dealing with the
loss of Bill is a turning point for me. I can see how my ability
to take care of myself now is quite different then in times past.

That 12 year old couldn't ask for help. And when it was offered,
couldn't or wouldn't accept it. The person I am now seeks support
and comfort from people in my life. And yesterday when someone
I know heard about my loss and offered me a hug, I could receive
it. It felt good.

So Bill, I guess I can thank you for that too.

For more about loss and abandonment, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/08/index.html

For more about making loss real, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

I'd love to share more of Bill's essence with you. You can
learn more about him at
http://www.legacy.com/SFGate/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=111767191

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
May 2008

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
 2. Magnetized by the energy of the granite
 3. Durable yet vulnerable
 4. Ingredients for solid relationships
 5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
 6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
 7. Creating Sacred Space
 8. An Experience in Contrast
 9. The 'Take Away'
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
By Elayne Savage, PhD

We just spent five magical and transcendent days in Yosemite.
The first word that comes to mind is 'other-worldly.' What a
spectacular and awesome experience.

Yosemite offers an amazing combination of ruggedness and serenity.
I'm in another dimension of consciousness as I take in vistas of
soaring granite walls, springtime cascading waterfalls, gushing
streams, lush forests, and serene meadows.
 `
I have to catch my breath at the wonderment of it all.

Magnetized by the Energy of the Granite

I find myself becoming magnetized by the granite and it's
soothing, nurturing, restorative, caressing energy.

I experience a powerful exchange of energy with the granite.
And it reminds me of the powerful exchanges of energy possible
in personal relationships.

So using Yosemite as a backdrop and metaphor for relationships,
let's take a look at some examples.

Durable yet vulnerable

No wonder there is a sense of timelessness about the cliffs.
Conditions for their formation began millions of years ago. And
they have existed in their present state for thousands of years. 
Some of the cliffs rise 3000 to 4000 feet from the valley floor,
which itself is 4000 feet above sea level.

Timeless. Eternal. A solid foundation, rooted deeply in the earth.

The waterfalls are a different story. They renew each springtime
as the melting snow cascades over the granite. By late summer
and autumn as the snowpack dwindles, the falls become a barely
discernable trickle. In the spring, they flow anew. The rivers and
streams gush with renewed energy.

Renewable. Replenishing. Refreshing.

Ingredients for Solid Relationships

And so it is with relationships. Relationships can be as durable as
the granite cliffs. Especially with a little help from regular
renewing and refreshing some important ingredients (From
'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple':

- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork –– working and playing together.

All of this woven together by open and direct
communication.

Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile

Those majestic granite walls seem so solid. So timeless. So eternal.

And yet . . . There are signs of fragility and vulnerability here.
Geologists tell us the unusual rock formations were created by
fractures within the rock. Many of these arise from increasing
and decreasing pressure

You'll see another sign of fragility as well. Notice the boulders,
rocks and stones. This is the 'talus', the debris from rockslides
and rock avalanches below the cliffs. The most recent rockslide
was in 1996 when 60-80,000 tons, crashed 1800 feet into the valley.

Yes, these natural processes continue to shape Yosemite Valley.

'Rock slides' shape our relationships as well. But it's not all
bad.This can take a positive course if we use them as
stepping-stones to bolster and strengthen our relationships.

Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall

Looking up at these granite walls surrounding Yosemite Valley, I
can't help but think of walls we build in our relationships. The walls
we build when we don't feel safe and secure. The walls I know
I'm very good at building when I need to protect myself.

My personal wall is built of brick.

There used to be turrets on top. No light could get through.
It was a dark and lonely place. I grew up. I learned to feel
a little safer. And sunlight began to filter through.

I noticed the wall was beginning to lower. Brick by brick.

Even now, when I feel threatened I tend to protect myself once
again. The threat usually comes from a look or tone of voice. It's 
when I feel disrespected in some way. Perhaps invalidated,
patronized, condescended to, or dismissed. And guess what?

I can feel the wall growing back again. Brick by brick.

But it never gets as high as in the old days. Just high enough for
me to feel safe enough.

Trouble is, walls create barriers and keep us from connecting to
the other person.

Did you build a wall, too? Do you remember what it was made of?
Is it still with you at times? When does it come back?

Creating Sacred Space

I gaze in wonderment at the secluded mountain meadows framed
by the towering granite mountains and the forests. To me the
meadows are a place to breathe, a respite. To me the meadows
symbolize sacred space.

An Experience in Contrasts

One day we drove to the High Country even though we knew
part of Tioga Road may be closed. It often is this time of year
because of the snow.

What an experience in contrasts! On this wonderfully warm and
sunny day, we found ourselves driving through snow banks!

We trudged through snow to sit on the bank of a small lake and
eat lunch in the warm sun. It was tempting to have a snowball
fight or build a snowman (or woman.)

Again I was reminded of how sights and experiences in Yosemite
can be a metaphor about relationships.

The contrasts between the warmth of the day and the coldness
of the snow reminded me of how relationships blow hot and cold.
Sometimes this happens when that protective wall comes up.
Sometimes it's because of a "go away a little closer" message:
We have a need for closeness, yet a fear of it. So we might give
out conflicting (and confusing) messages.

There are also the quite wonderful contrasts in relationships that
can add so much. If we let them.

These are differences in style which, when accepted and
respected, can enhance the relationship considerably. If we let them.

First we must make the choice to embrace differences rather then
consider them a threat.  Remember threats? And how easy it is
for that wall to go up.

The 'Take Away'

Of all the many relationship metaphors I noticed in Yosemite,
here is the primary one I carried away:

Just as the waterfalls renew each year and flow into the heart of
Yosemite Valley, relationships, too, can be refreshed and renewed.
And there's nothing quite like the energy that flows from heart to
heart.

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Any ideas?

I welcome your ideas on how to expand this piece of writing about
ways we can reflect upon the relationship metaphors nature provides
to us.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

10. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Rejection Letters – Handling or Mishandling?

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
April 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1.  Rejection Letters - Handling or Mishandling
2.  Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last
3.  Putting on the Pressure
4.  Confusing Boundary Confusion
5.  Confused Vicarious Parents
6.  Elayne Meets 'The Saint'
7.  Letting Parents Down
8.  Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters
9.  Contacting Elayne 
10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

REJECTION LETTERS - HANDLING OR MISHANDLING?
By Elayne Savage, PhD 

I participated in some media interviews recently that shook me up a bit. One was on bullies and bullying behavior for the San Francisco Chronicle. The other was an interview for Forbes.com on handling college rejection letters.

Participating in both of these interviews reminded me how most of us have to deal with these kinds of rejections throughout our lives.

Take the bully situation. My first being bullied experience was on the school playground. I was in kindergarten. I've been dealing with toxic people and bullies ever since. Not only do I live it. I also see it every day in my coaching and psychotherapy practices. And there's a reason my Dealing with Difficult People Workshop is so popular.

I've written about bullying in past "Tips from The Queen of Rejection e-letters:
Last month (March 2008): http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/03/take-those-mise.html

April 2007 http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html

and May 2007
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/05/index.html

Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last

Rejection letters are not only from college admission offices. You'll probably have to deal with rejection letters more than once in your life. Maybe from a job application, from a boss turning down your pay raise request, from the decision maker about a project you've proposed, or even from a gallery, editor or casting director.

The Forbes.com piece on handling college rejection letters is timely for sure. This is the month college acceptance or rejection letters go out. This is the time when everyone in the household is waiting and hoping for the arrival of a fat envelope from the longed for college. You know. Fat. Fat enough to contain all the forms to fill out that come with news of an acceptance.

But what if a thin envelope shows up in the mailbox instead? Thin enough to contain that one page rejection form letter.  How does the applicant deal with the disappointment?  How do other family members react?

And for that matter, who is more disappointed, the student or the family?

Hana Alberts, a reporter at Forbes.com, does a terrific job covering the college rejection letter issue.

Follow the links here to view the articles:

http://tinyurl.com/5ckqy

http://tinyurl.com/6cbck3

Note that Forbes did a series on college rejection so there are other links as well.

The Forbes reporter and I discussed struggles parents and students have during the application process. We talked about ways the rejected teen can handle the situation.

We also talked about the parents' tendency to become overly invested in the outcome.

Putting on the Pressure

If parents have their hearts set on a certain college for their child, they may put on the pressure. That particular school may not be the right fit at all for the student. Yet the parent pushes for it. And pushes and pushes.

What if the student feels pushed beyond their comfortable limits? What if they are unable or afraid to say "no?"  This is when continued pressure can feel coercive.

Why does this pushing occur? Some parents don't know how to separate their own needs from those of their children. Sometimes parents get confused about what is best for their kids. Instead, it becomes about what is best for the parent.

Confusing Boundary Confusion

For the sake of definition, let's call this type of confusion: confusion of personal boundaries.

The parents' needs overshadow the child's needs. The student loses his or her sense of identity by trying so hard to please parents, not wanting to let them down.

The student might feel like a non-person with no needs. Feeling like a non-person is a bit like feeling invisible. Like you don't count. Feeling discounted equals feeling rejected.

There are lots of situations where parents' boundary confusion occurs. The "hit-a-home-run-for-me" parent makes the softball game about him or herself. Their child's home run is their home run.

The stage-mom mom (or dad) takes on their child's stage triumph as their own. And they take it personally if their offspring flubs a line or misses a cue.

Confused Vicarious Parents

Parents of college applicants get caught up in this mushy boundary web as well. Their child's acceptance becomes their acceptance. A rejection is experienced as if it were the parent's own rejection.

Again, for the sake of definition let's call this type of parent: 'vicarious parent.'
And for the sake of being fair, parents are usually not aware of the vicarious nature of their interactions with their children.

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines 'vicarious' as: Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another

Dictionary.com Unabridged says: Performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another

Parents who tend to live vicariously through their children are usually a bit unclear about where they stop and their child begins. They encourage their children to achieve in a way that meets the parent's own unmet goals. And the goal is sometimes not realistic for the child at all. Instead it's the parents' unfulfilled dreams that they urge their child to carry out.

These kinds of dreams often propel parents to follow their own agendas, without regard for the best interest of the child. It's often about the 'performer' the parent had hopes of becoming: on the playing field, on the stage, in school.

When you get right down to it, the child might feel dismissed, disregarded or even discarded. Each of these feels like a rejection. And they are.

Here's how I describe vicarious parenting in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'

"These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed.

The children may lose their sense of self, trading 'self' for service to the parents."

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

It's the on the stage part that I'm most familiar with. My mother wanted me to be the star she never became. From the time I was very young, she pushed me into the spotlight. Sometimes I didn't want to go. But I didn't dare say no.

Elayne Meets 'The Saint '

My mother's first big push to make me a star was when I was 6 years old. I remember it was my birthday party. My friends and I were eating ice cream and cake when the phone rang. It was for me.

A man from the Washington Post asked to speak to me. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

I was very confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it. She wrote the poem. Making it sound as if six year old might write it. And she didn't tell me. She just sent it to the newspaper.

How was I going to read the poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. Her answer was to make me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother practicing the poem. She's say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write: 

'I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post.'

The words were drilled into my head. Day after day. There was some very serious drilling during the long streetcar ride across town to the radio station.

At the studio all the gleaming microphones overwhelmed me. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. And scared to death.

The time arrived to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to the station that afternoon. And their 'big star' daughter messed up and let them down big time.

Letting Parents Down

Over the years this same scenario replayed following dance recitals and plays. They would be especially upset with me when their friends or relatives were in the audience. Each time I’d see that disappointed look on my mother’s face. Each time I felt like I could never be good enough. Each time I felt let her down.

And that brings us back to the college rejection situation. When that too-thin envelope shows up in the mail, students sometimes feel that they have let their parents down.

So many people are waiting to see what the college admissions office decides. The student, the parents, the school counselor, relatives, friends. It isn't just the applicant's disappointment. It's shouldering the expectations and disappointments of what must feel like the whole world.

Waiting for a decision from colleges brings on another family situation. How do they deal with anxiety? Everyone has anxiety while waiting, but here boundary confusion again enters in. During stressful situations anxious feelings can get passed around from person to person.

For example, the parent might be experiencing memories of past rejections or disappointments. As the tension builds the teen may be absorbing their parent's fears and anxiety.

This situation is similar to the exchange of anxiety that occurs in some families on the first day of preschool or kindergarten. The child's own nervousness increases as it becomes a reflection of the parent's anxieties.

For example let's say that the parent is re-experiencing their own difficult "first day" at school. And the child picks up the tension. When this happens, they are not just dealing with their own worries but with their parent's worries as well.

Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters:

• Remind yourself it's not personal. Colleges (or potential employers, or meeting planners or galleries are looking for a fit. It's something like auditioning for a play you long to be cast in. And even thought you know you are talented and terrific, you don't get the role. An actor I know reminds herself that not getting a part is no reflection on her talent. She has a placard on her office wall that reminds her:  'It's selection, not rejection.'

• Both parents and teens would do well to try to try to keep personal boundaries straight. To understand what feelings belong to whom. What goals belong to who. And what disappointments belong to whom. Passing feelings and anxiety around the family only adds another layer of tension to the situation.

• Labeling and expressing feelings of rejection and disappointment helps you to deal with the loss. And it IS a loss.

• Try hard to see that there is a future after rejection. Remind yourself that making good grades and transferring is always possible. If your choice of career needs graduate school, remind yourself that the graduate school attended makes undergraduate college have less far less importance.

• And again, here are the 8 Tips from 8 Experts For Handling College Rejection Letters - on Forbes.com:

http://tinyurl.com/6gbjln

I've learned over the years that rejection experiences, no matter what form they take, are interconnected, have similarities and keep popping up throughout our lives.

I invite you to write to me with your own stories and let me know where you would like to see Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM) focus in the months to come.

Until next month,

Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

9. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please
2. The Many Faces of Discrimination
3. The Indignity of 'Cootie Catchers'
4. "I'm Really a Fraud"
5. Tips For Choosing to Act Like a Grownup
6. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. TAKE THOSE MISERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMORIES
     . . . PLEASE
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just got hit with a rejection-flashback-triple-whammy.

Three recent events brought me face to face with childhood and adolescent experiences I thought I'd buried long ago.

Lynn Price was a main stage speaker at the recent National Speakers Association Western Workshop. She spoke with passion and power about growing up as a foster child separated from her sister. She is now internationally recognized for her work in child advocacy. 

As Lynn spoke I realized something about myself. I guess you could say I was a foster-child-in-my-own-home. After my mother died my father took a job traveling. He hired a live-in housekeeper to care for my brother, Lee, and me.  She was cruel.

Lots of feelings bubbled up for me as Lynn Price spoke.

But that was just the beginning. Two weeks later I attended a fundraiser for Challenge Day. This amazing organization provides programs which build connection and empathy for kids in middle and high school.

During the event, young people spoke of their loneliness, about feeling left out, being the object of name-calling and rumors, and teasing, harassment and bullying. As I listened I started to cry. Along with just about everyone in the room.

Truth be told, I was re-experiencing some devastating experiences from my early years.

I was sitting there feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was remembering that miserable young person who once tried to strangle herself. Yes me. As you may guess I lost consciousness. My hands dropped away from my throat before I could do the deed. It IS a funny visual. Now. Not then.

Two days later I had yet another powerful deja vu experience. I was being filmed for a documentary on childhood and teenage depression. As the director, cameraman and sound engineer recorded me, I shared stories from my work with children and adolescents. And of course, some of the stories were my own.

I talked about loneliness and feeling left out. I described how it feels to be the object of name-calling and rumors. I gave examples of getting teased, harassed and bullied.

My voice was cracking as I spoke. I think the director, camera and sound guys might have been affected by my stories as well. I could hear it in their voices.

Yes. Rejection hurts. Isn't it amazing how all these years later we find ourselves smarting from the sting of those early rejections. 

The pain never goes away.

And I can't push the old pain back into the box so easily this time.
It's been swirling around me. Creeping into my consciousness. Calling out for understanding and attention.

2. THE MANY FACES OF DISCRIMINATION

I had a similar experience writing the "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow" Chapter on peer rejection in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!' So many long-forgotten memories were turning up. 

Some of the peer rejection I experienced was because I'm Jewish. Prejudice is hard to explain to yourself when you are a young person.

We lived in a row house in D.C. My best friend was the girl next door. I couldn't understand why her parents, aunts and uncles would spit on our porch. then one day Marian spit over the porch railing too. I was crushed. I remember wondering, "What I did wrong?" Why were they all so mad at me?"

3. THE INDIGNITY OF 'COOTIE CATCHERS'

Even one ugly action or name-calling incident can lead to a negative self-image that follows us into adulthood.

One day some friends and I were sitting around discussing how these
kinds of experiences stood out. We began reminiscing about the taunting that went on. Someone remembered the "Cootie Catchers."

Maybe some of you have experienced the Cootie Catcher indignity. Cootie Catchers are hand-folded paper origami-like contraptions. Someone swipes it over your skin or hair and proclaims that they caught cooties. Cooties are creepy crawly thingies, diseases, etc. that might be on you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooties

Kathleen shared a vivid memory,  “A boy at school called me the worst possible
name. He said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cootie.’ I was crushed, and I’ve never forgotten that incident.”

Our friend Martin speculated, “I’ll bet you were a really cute little girl. Maybe that boy actually said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cutie’.”

Kathleen’s eyes widened, her face softened, “Do you think that might be true? Do you suppose if I hadn’t been so ashamed and told my father what happened, he’d have reassured me and said the same thing?

You mean I didn’t have to believe all these years that someone thought I was a
cootie?

Trouble is, we don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how hurt we are. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years. And years.

Our self-esteem plummets, we struggle to trust people in our world. Is it any wonder we might even have work and personal relationship difficulties?

4. "I'M REALLY A FRAUD"

Over the years many consultation and coaching clients have said to me: "If you only knew me, you'd see how defective I really am. You'll find out I'm really a fraud under all my pretenses."

And sometimes folks want others to find out the truth. Unwittingly they sabotage themselves. The spotlight of disclosure shines glaringly on them.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately when Eliot Spitzer leaped into the news. Or perhaps you recognize yourself in the description.  I know I do.

5. TIPS FOR CHOOSING TO ACT LIKE A GROWNUP

OK, so what can we do to not get so mired in those miserable memories?
What can we do to stay in the present and function in our adult selves?

Here are some considerations:

- Can you appreciate that two sides of you may co-exist?
There is the young, sometimes defenseless person. And there is the grownup.

- Can you appreciate the attributes of each?

- Can you empathize with (and even embrace) that young part of you?

- Can you show compassion rather than contempt for that sometimes helpless person?

- Can you walk alongside yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Create enough distance so you are not feeling overwhelmed by those often powerful young feelings.

- Which part of you do you WANT to experience now?  Can you make that choice?

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'™
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
February, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart
2. 'Wishing and hoping . . . and planning and dreaming'
3. Programmed to Expect Disappointment
4. Disappointment Feels a Lot Like Rejection
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. ON VALENTINES DAY - AWAY FROM THE HYPE AND
    MORE TOWARD THE HEART

Here comes Cupid. What are his arrows coated with this year?
Love and Feelings of Gratitude?  Or yet another Valentine's Day
Disappointment?

The push toward spending and buying doesn't help, either.
I know I think this every year, however I'm positive that this 
year candy and hearts were on display a month earlier than usual.
I think maybe 5 days after Christmas.

I decided to take fabulous care of myself this Valentines  Day.
I bought myself a wonderful card.  A nice mix of charming, funny
and sentimental. I actually put a postage stamp on it and mailed it
to myself.

I'm also shopping for just the right gift, too.

I want to start a new Valentines Day movement - away from the hype
and more toward the heart.

2. ''WISHING AND HOPING . . . AND PLANNING AND DREAMING'

I wish I'd known how to take better care of myself in grade school
on Valentines Day. Instead, I spent way too much time wishing and
hoping to receive valentines. Like the popular kids did.

I do think the agony of those early years left a residue of yuck
about Valentines Day for me.  Probably forever.

I still remember those miserable years when I felt so left out of
the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize about being one of
ones who got the most valentines. Truth be told, I hardly got any.

I just hated it when the most popular girls would go around asking
everyone, "How many did YOU get?" And proceed to brag about their
abundance of love notes.

Did I feel rejected?  I sure did. 

Then of course, the critical self-rejecting messages took over.
Who was I to even think that cutie one row over and two rows back
would be EVER be interested in me. What a disappointment.

3. PROGRAMMED TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT

I guess there are lots of folks out there with some of the same
miserable childhood Valentines Day experiences.  I hear similar
stories all the time from friends, colleagues and clients. About
how they seem to be programmed to EXPECT disappointment.
Especially on Valentines Day.

And we often set ourselves up for disappointment:

By telling yourself 'if you really love me, you'll read your mind.'
Does your sweetie fail the test - unable to guess what you're
longing for?

By dropping hints like crazy. Crossing your fingers and hoping your
sweetie will read your mind.

By craving your honey will surprise you with reservations for that
new trendy restaurant that you've been dying to go to.  Not a word.

By having your heart set on a special Valentine gift. That new
book you've been wanting or something from your favorite shop. 
Nope. Doesn't happen.

By expecting a special card with tender sentiment. And it says
only: 'Happy Valentines Day.'  Does your face fall?

Oh, and there's that Valentines Day frenzy at work. All day you
watch co-workers receive gorgeous flowers or those too-cute teddy
bears. You just know you'll be the next recipient. But there's no
delivery for you. How embarrassing. And you really had your hopes
up. Another disillusionment.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS A LOT LIKE REJECTION

Are you disappointed yet again? Are you feeling hurt and rejected?
Do you take it personally? Yep.

So what to do about it? Clearly subtle hints are not working.
Obvious hints are not working so well either.

Saying clearly what you yearn for will get results. Most folks
appreciate being educated to what their partner wants. Then they
don't have to guess.

Try out something like this: 'Here's what I'd like most on
Valentines Day. I'd like a card, some flowers and going out to
dinner with you at our special restaurant.'

You CAN make this Valentines Day a success by avoiding
disappointments and hurt feelings.

Here are my classic getting-through-Valentines-Day success tips:

5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will
readyour mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong present ruin the
occasion. Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentines Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your
partner's 'ways?'

5. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not
to feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.' This goes for
gift-giving as well.

6. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just
be you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines Day doesn't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

7. AND don't take it personally. Dwelling on it takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room instead for
connection and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving YOU. You are worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

3. Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

5. Allow appreciation for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

6. Allow gratitude for the people who care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

This year I followed some of my own advice from this list. I took
really good care of myself.
And it felt great!

. . . . And on a personal note:

I'm grateful for Burt being in my life the last 4 years and 4
months. (He could tell you exactly how many days, but I've never
been very good at math.) Burt has taught me to expect to be loved.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"That Hurts My Feelings"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
January, 2008

Welcome to the 15th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. A Thank-you Note from Hillary Clinton
2. Sticks and Stones . . .
3. How We Take Things Personally - Let Me Count the Ways
4. If You Win, Do I Lose?
5. So What Can You Do About It?
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. A THANK-YOU NOTE FROM HILLARY CLINTON

I have a note from Hillary Clinton, thanking me for my first book,
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! The book was passed along to
her by Tipper Gore. The note, dated August 12, 1999, is written on
creamy stationary; the signature is bold and blue. The  letterhead
says simply, The White House, Washington, D.C.

I sure hope Hillary has a chance to re-read this book.  It will
come in mighty handy during this campaign.

During the New Hampshire TV debate Charlie Gibson's colleague,
Scott Spradling, asked Senator Clinton, "What can you say to the
voters of New Hampshire on this stage tonight who see your resume
and like it but are hesitating on the likeability issue, where they
seem to like Barack Obama more?"

After a beat, Hillary acknowledged, "Well, that hurts my feelings."

And for a moment, it seemed her guard came down. For a moment
it seemed she was like the rest of us. We all have feelings that
sometimes get hurt.

Well, how about that? Hillary Clinton's feelings can get hurt. Like
yours or mine.
I can identify.  My feelings get hurt all the time.
And I bet some of you have been there too.

2. STICKS AND STONES . . .

The press is using some powerful words to to describe the current
political sparring. It's as if these words have jumped right off of
the pages of my books, articles, and seminar notes:

- Slighting
- Dismissing
- Discounting
- Discrediting
- Insulting
- Mocking
- Hurting
- Offending
- Affronting
- Judging
- Faulting
- Sniping
- Accusing
- Attacking
- Slamming
- Criticizing
- Smearing
- Bullying
- Humiliating

These are, or course, all facets of rejection. Do the images they
conjure up make you wince as much as they do me?

Some folks say Senator Clinton's surprising win in N.H. vote was
because she was close to tears the following day. I'm not so sure it
was just that.  I have my own theory about why votes swung to her.

I think her admission about hurt feelings touched many people.

Haven't most of us have experienced similar feelings?
Especially when we are confronted, embarrassed, or mortified in
public.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement.  However, I
don't believe I've ever experienced political campaigning where
there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and
and the bitterness grows each day.

It would be difficult not to take things personally in this
campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through
space. Not exactly Ready. Aim. Fire.  More like Ready. Fire. Aim.

3. HOW WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY - LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

Let's look at some of the ways we take things personally:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but
   your feelings get easily hurt. 

-  Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against
   you. 

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do. 

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or even attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings

Taking things personally can lead to misunderstandings and hurt
feelings, disappointments, and breakdowns in communication.  It's
been known to lead to termination of jobs, friendships, and
romances. 

When we feel attacked, we mobilize to defend . . . and the battle
lines are drawn.

Sound familiar?

4. IF YOU WIN, DO I LOSE?

It's very easy in the arena of politics to draw battle lines.
Discussing politics with friends or family is all too often a
set-up for rejection and taking things personally. 

These "discussions" soon turn into arguments. Issues become
"right" or "wrong." People become polarized, "I'm right, you're wrong," or
"If you're right, that might make me wrong -- and I can't stand to be
wrong."

This polarization is not only playing out in the family arena. Now
it has expanded to the national arena. Candidate pitted against
candidate. Voter against voter.

5. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

First of all, learn to identify when you're taking something
personally and determine if rejection is the issue.  When you know
what it is you' re feeling, you can do something about changing it.
You might start with asking yourself a few questions to gain some
distance from the "charge."

    -  Am I taking this personally?  How?

    -  Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
    -  Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Then practice "dis-identifying," taking a step back, staying
objective and detached.  Not easy to do, of course.  However
do-able with practice.

Using a little light humor helps a lot.  After all, isn't that
exactly what Hillary Clinton did after she acknowledged how she
felt about the "likeability" issue?

© Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you a wonderful New Year.
Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings
2. Each Family Has 'Their Way'
3. About Hurt Feelings – A Cautionary Tale
4. Avoiding Misunderstandings
5. Caring Is Not Symmetrical
6. Disappointments Feel Like Rejection
7. Gift-Giving Tips
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING - AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HURT FEELINGS
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who
hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right'
present.

And truth be told, most of us have felt some disappointment on the
receiving end. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just
doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe
sometimes it doesn't.  But what about when it DOES matter to you? What
about the times your feelings get hurt. Or the times you feel
slighted or offended. Or not cared about.

Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments,
the subject of gift-giving generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation. There is really a charge to the
subject of gift-giving.

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too
often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something
personally.

Are they able to talk about their differences and work it out? Or
do all the hurts and resentments from the past year erupt? Do they
carry it around for months or even years?

2. EACH FAMILY HAS 'THEIR WAY'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and
misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up
in different families with different ways of giving and receiving
presents.

Gift-giving has different protocol from family to family. For
example, in some families it may perfectly OK to give checks or
gift cards (Oh wow, I get to buy what I want!) In other families
this seems like a slight (Didn't she care enough to go shopping for
me?)

Some families feel fine about exchanging or re-gifting a present that's not quite
right. But in others, people wouldn't think of returning a gift —
they keep it even if they'll never use it, because taking it back
to the store feels disloyal or rude.

3. ABOUT HURT FEELINGS – A CAUTIONARY TALE

I write about how easy it is to get offended during the Holidays in
DON’T’ TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION.

I describe how Elizabeth the mother, nursed hurt feelings for
six months after the exchange of Kwanzaa gifts before she talked to
her adult daughter about how hurt she was.

“I was surprised and felt misunderstood by my daughter's gifts to
me,” Elizabeth said. “Tracy has a good job now and when she kept
asking what I wanted, I told her to pick out something that she
thought I'd like. I was hoping she'd choose something that
represented my tastes, something that was me.

"My son guessed exactly what I'd like and bought me a satin robe. I
guess I expected something like that from my daughter as well.

"She gave me three separate presents, and not one of them reflected
who I am. Her gifts seemed so impersonal; it felt like she doesn't
understand me at all. Personalized gifts are so important to me
that I even get disappointed if a good friend gives me a book without
inscribing it."

What were the gifts? Two wine glasses, a video by one of my
favorite entertainers, and a pair of knitting needles. It was the
needles that confused me the most. Why would she give me knitting
needles, when I haven't knitted in over twenty years?

"I was hurt because I thought she was hinting she wanted me to be
more motherly or matronly or something when she said, 'Maybe you'll
take up knitting again.' Tracy can't possibly remember back to when
I used to knit sweaters for her. She was only four years old. I
didn't know what to do with the needles so I tucked them away in a
drawer.”

I was very touched by Elizabeth's story. She took the meaning of
Tracy's gift personally, thinking her daughter wanted her to be a
different kind of mother. It seems like this prevented her from seeing how much
caring went into all three gifts.

Was it possible that Tracy purchased three presents in hopes that
one of them would please her? Elizabeth at first had difficulty
looking at it this way, but as we continued talking she said,
“Well, yes, now I can see that Tracy put some thought into buying
the gifts. Actually the glasses were handblown and quite lovely and
Tracy and I have enjoyed them when we drink wine together. And it's
true that the video is one of my favorites — Tracy's, too.”

But what about those knitting needles? “Yes, in fact, they were
very nice knitting needles, probably expensive and, yes, most
likely from a specialty knitting store.”

I wondered if those needles may have been a gift of love that
symbolized fond memories from long ago? And again Elizabeth proclaimed
that Tracy was too young to remember the days when she knitted
those little sweaters.

But when mother and daughter talked about this in a joint therapy
session, Tracy did indeed remember those days.

“There's a knitting shop I sometimes pass, and each time I walk by,
I remember how you used to knit me those soft, warm sweaters when
I was a little girl. And Mom, I also remember hearing you say over
the years how you really should take up knitting again.' So I
decided to buy you some needles.”

Tracy's choice of gifts seemed to be a metaphor for how the past,
present, and future were energetically bound together.

4. AVOIDING MISUNDERSTANDINGS

For six months Elizabeth had felt misunderstood and hurt about the
presents, but hadn't expressed her feelings or checked out her
daughter's intent. Both Elizabeth and Tracy had leftover hurt
feelings from the giving and receiving of these presents. Tracy's
good intentions somehow got lost when she didn't explain the
intended special meanings. And Elizabeth's quick jump to
conclusions led her to misunderstand the nature of the gifts.

From the beginning, Elizabeth set herself up for disappointment
when she suggested Tracy buy her a gift that would please her.
Tracy couldn't read her mind. And Tracy presumed the
significance of her choice of gifts would be crystal clear to her
mother. But Elizabeth couldn't read Tracy's mind either.'

5. CARING IS NOT SYMMETRICAL

Caring is not symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of
showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many
ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring
is different from our own.

We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of
gift-giving. In our families.

6. DISAPPOINTMENTS FEEL LIKE REJECTION

Gift-giving is a surely a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings during the holidays.
It's easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped
for.

But there’s even more rejection you can heap on if you are so
inclined.
You could tell yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough
about you. After all, if they did they'd have known what you wanted for
a present.

And if you are the gift-giver, you can find ways to get
disappointed and even take it personally. Do you shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find
yourself anxiously waiting to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction to your gift through their
expression or body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, only to open their present to you and
find a sale item from the discount store? Do your feelings get hurt?

And what about gift cards?  The media hype has been
"gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true
enough for someone who loves to shop. They appreciate gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfect gift for themselves. 

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to do the shopping.

Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like
rejection.

Some of us have never gotten over childhood
disappointments. Like the times when we thought we were promised a certain toy and 
didn't get it. When a new disappointment comes our way,and it brings up some of those
old childhood memories and feelings. We may even go into our child 'default' position.
Sometimes we over react in the present to experiences from the past.

The disappointments that too often go along with the giving and receiving of
gifts contribute to the stress of the Holidays.

What can you do to make gift-giving go more smoothly?

7. GIFT-GIVING TIPS

You've most likely developed your own useful ways of handling
gift-giving. I'd like to hear from you  what about what works in your situation.

Here are a few tips to consider:

-Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone
else to try to figure it out.

-Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site.
asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.

It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t
know which gift they'll choose for you. It’s worth having a little less
surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about
the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you
really want.

Besides gift-giving, the other big-ticket Holiday
stressor is family gets-togethers.

And if you want some suggestions for surviving that family
holiday dinner, here are the tips from last month’s TIPS FROM THE
QUEEN OF REJECTION – Giving Gratitude or ‘Attitude.’
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/11/index.html

 

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you Happy Holidays,

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'
2, Pass The Rejection, Please
3. Talking To The Turkeys At The Table
4. Excuse Me . . ."
5. Opt-In To Time-Outs
6. This Feeling Is Too Hot To Handle
7. Thanks for the Opportunity
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. THANKSGIVING GATHERINGS - GRATITUDE OR 'ATTITUDE'
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings  —  clashing and banging against each other. 

There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU —  for who you are and
what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.

Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.

However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness
with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or
preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.

2. PASS THE REJECTION, PLEASE

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these stressful times.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated
by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin
dreaming of a  Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family
gathering.

Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's
going to be different from past experiences.
Are you disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and
the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone
said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And
someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of
rejection.

3. TALKING TO THE TURKEYS AT THE TABLE

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't  end up in
battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can
leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

4. "EXCUSE ME . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action  here?”

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

5. OPT-IN TO TIME-OUTS

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you BE INDEPENDENT
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not
about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about
herself.

In fact, Mom  later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally
always took things personally!"

6. THIS FEELING IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because 
it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In BREATHING ROOM (New Harbinger) I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I
describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

And because many of you have made the request, there will be
more about Personal Boundaries and Projection in future e-letters.

By the way, there's a terrific new book on how to harness the power of gratitude: 'FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF - The Power of Appreciation' by Mike Robbins.

7. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate

them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Pilgrimage to a DC-3 - The Voices of My Ancestors Whisper to My Granddaughter

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

What a moving experience it was holding my new granddaughter in my arms. Whenever she'd open those big eyes it seemed she was connecting with my soul. And I was connecting to hers as well.

 

As I looked into her eyes, I was looking into the past, present and future at the same time. I was recognizing the importance of this newest female member of my linage.

 

POOF. THEY WERE GONE

I'm trying to put words to how much it means to me that this baby is a girl. Her arrival in the world symbolizes the nextgeneration of female lineage. A continuation of a broken line of women.

 

The women of the two generations before me, my mother and grandmother, were wiped out in an instant in a plane crash.They were aboard a Braniff DC-3 that crashed into a corn field near Mason City, Iowa over  50 years ago.

 

Poof. They were both gone.

 

Two generations of female role models. Two generations of nurturing. Two generations of support. And two generations of family storytelling.

 

I missed out on being able to sit at their feet and hear their stories. Stories about the Cossack soldiers ravaging their village. 

Stories about what it was like to travel through China by rickshaw. Stories about being quarantined on Angel Island for 3 months. 

Stories about building a new life in Omaha. Stories about their experiences in raising children.

 

Over the years there have been many questions unformed and many questions unanswered. Yes, I have missed all of those untold stories.

 

GRIEF WRAPPED IN SILENCE

 

The aftermath of that plane crash was handled badly by my family. This very public loss caused a city to mourn, yet my brother Lee and I were not allowed to grieve either publicly or privately.

 

Everything was wrapped in silence. The newspaper articles and crash scene pictures were hidden from us. We didn't attend the funeral. We weren't allowed to ask questions or even to talk about my mother.

 

My Dad removed all photos of her from the house. We thought he'd thrown them out, but after he died my brother found the albums tucked away in the back of the highest shelf of Dad's closet. He'd moved with them 4 times, yet we never knew they existed. It's nice to have them back.

 

Lee and I were able to do some grieving five years later when another plane crash into a corn field made headlines. Buddy Holly, J.P. (Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens were killed. The crashes were only a few miles apart outside of Mason City, Iowa.

Yes, I've worked on these losses for many years in therapy. Yet there always seemed to be something missing.

 

A few years ago something fortuitous happened. After presenting a one-day training program several miles from my home, I decided to stay the night at a local Bed and Breakfast. Intuitively I told the
B&B owner the story of the plane crash. It turns out he is a grief counselor!

 

He presented me with the missing piece: "to grieve a loss and move on, we need to make the loss real."

 

Yes, of course. That's what was missing. The deaths of my
mother and grandmother were never made real. 

 

MAKING GRIEF REAL

One day I woke up knowing what to do. I must visit a DC-3.

 

For several years I fantasized about locating and visiting a DC-3. One I could visit without other people around. I wanted some time to myself on the plane.

 

(Telling the richly detailed story of the DC-3 has become part of my professional speaking programs. Some of you may have been in my audience and heard this story before. I'm including a few selective descriptions of my pilgrimage. I've chosen these because they are related to carrying on the female legacy which
Miss Cora symbolizes for me.)

 

Early last year I gathered the courage to track down a restored DC-3.  Making the actual arrangements to visit the plane came about from a confluence of many happenings.

 

Lots of serendipity is involved - a chance conversation with a fellow professional speaker who is a pilot, the support of my boyfriend, Burt, who encouraged me to follow through with the phone call that eventually led to making the appointment to visit the plane.

 

Matt, the Operations Manager at the Santa Monica airport pointed me to a restored plane at the Van Nuys Airport. It is the private plane of a major Southern California Aviation figure, Clay Lacy.

 

I took a deep breath and called. The receptionist told me "Oh no you can't visit this plane. This is Mr. Lacy's private plane." 

 

I took another deep breath. I wasn't going to be deterred. I persisted, told my story and asked to speak to a decision maker. Mr. Lacy's personal assistant called back the next day: "Mr. Lacy would be pleased to have you visit his plane!"

 

Burt went with me as witness. We were escorted from the office to the plane which was on the tarmac. (But my experience of the plane is another story.)

 

By way of preparing for this pilgrimage I contacted a few friends and a listserve of therapist colleagues asking for support and suggestions of rituals I might do on the plane.

 

It was a big step for me to reach out publicly. I'm glad I did. I felt I was being cradled in the strong and comforting arms of a caring community. 

 

My time on the plane was an amazing event.

 

And learning this particular DC-3 had been Jimmy Carter’s plane when he was the Governor of Georgia made it even more special. It even seemed is energy was present!

 

I was able to stay present though, and to experience the moments on a cellular, energetic level.

 

I was able to imagine my mother and grandmother beside me on the plane. I could imagine talking with them, especially with my mother.

 

I could feel myself reconnecting with her in a new way.

I could ask questions and receive answers.

I could laugh again with my mother, sharing some memories.

I could also tell her about my life, my disappointments and
my successes.

I could 'introduce' her to Cora, her grand daughter.

 

One of the reasons I wanted to visit a DC-3 was to be able to release the shackles that have constrained me for so many years. When I was sitting on the plane I could feel the chains falling away. I could feel myself re-balancing and realigning.

 

I was able to achieve the healing and liberation I've missed out on for so many years.

 

A couple of years ago someone made me a beautiful blue felt pouch, decorated with lace and leather and shells.

 

I'd never used the pouch because it was so lovely, so special.  As I contemplated my pilgrimage, I realized this pouch was waiting for just the right time to be the guardian of something very precious.

 

I put into the pouch photos of my mother and grandmother.
Photos of myself and my brother Lee as we grew up.
Photos of my daughter Jocelyn.

 

Then I imagined putting the essence of my mother and grandmother
into the pouch, and I carried their spirits onto the plane with me.

 

In retrospect I believe the conversations, phone calls and
arrangements for the pilgrimage came to pass because I had just
learned my daughter was expecting a baby. 

 

"THERE ARE ALL YOUR ANCESTORS RESTING SNUGLY IN YOUR DNA . . ."

One of the therapists who responded to my request sent me this
quote which I also put into the blue pouch to carry with me on the
DC-3. 

 

I re-read the words on that piece of paper many times in the hour I
spent on the plane:

 

"But when we take the time to really give thanks to our ancestors,
we place them in their proper context, granting them neither more
nor less than their due.

We are able to use the lessons they have taught us - even
if by negative example - and move beyond their legacy to
claim our rightful place in the world.

 

Dawna Markova says, "Look in the palm of your hand. Thich Nhat Hanh would say that if you look deeply enough, you'll never be lonely. Each cell of your hand is made from genetic material passed on to you from your mother and father. Whether you adored or despised them, there they are in the palm of your hand. If you look a little deeper, you'll see your grandfathers and grandmothers.

 

Deeper still, and there are all your ancestors resting snugly in your DNA . . .

Can you hear them whispering in your ear,
'Maybe this is the one who will carry our dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our dreams
    into the world.'"
               -- From Attitudes of Gratitude by Mary Jane Ryan

 

BABY CORA AND THE DC-3

Just after Cora was born, I corresponded with my cousin Dr. Steve Raskin. Intuitively I decided to send him the
above quote about DNA. Steve emailed back with this "little biology lesson." He reminded me that there are two kinds of DNA in cells. One is  "nuclear DNA which exists in chromosomes and are subject to recombination over the generations, resulting in the complexity of human variation.

 

But there is some other DNA in the cell known as "mitochondrial" DNA that exists in the cytoplasm
OUTSIDE the cell nucleus. The mitochondria are passed completely from mother to daughter and that DNA
does not take part in any recombination. 

 

You are the bearer of your mother's and her mother's mitochondria (and mitochondrial DNA), just as Jocelyn
and - now - Cora are also. You might get a good feeling knowing that tiny little pieces of your mother are part
of your granddaughter."

 

So in this communication with a cousin I haven't seen in over 30 years, I came to realize why holding this little
girl was such a spiritual experience for me. Cora is more connected to my mother and my grandmother than I ever realized. 

 

Had I known this baby was to be a girl at the time I made the pilgrimage, my experience on the plane would
have been even more powerful.

For too many years I let 
the accident define me.

I was frozen in the drama of 
the 12-year-old child.

 

On the plane I was able to visualize the chains falling away. I was able to see my experience as the ending of something and the beginning of something else.

 

I began to understand that I don't have to be a hurt, scared child any longer. I recognize that my inherited
potential is unimpeded by the tragedies of the past.

I CAN fly - even soar!

 

Now I'm the grandmother, Jocelyn is the mother and baby Cora is the child. 

 

I can hear the ancestors whispering in my ear and in Jocelyn's ear and in Cora's ear:    
 

"Maybe this is the one who will carry our
    dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our
    dreams into the world"

 

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

amzn.to/2ducIm3

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Self-acceptance, Self-respect and Self-appreciation

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September 20, 2007

Welcome to the 11th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Self-acceptance, Self-respect and Self-appreciation
2. What's a Mistake or Three?
3. Lessons from The Yellow Submarine
4. Transforming Self-Rejection into Self-Acceptance
5. And on a personal note . . .
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information


1. SELF-ACCEPTANCE, SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-APPRECIATION
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

I'm so proud of my accomplishment. I just assembled four IKEA
storage units. By myself.

And I didn't listen one bit to the nay-sayers:

"You won't be able to do it without help."
"No way. It's too difficult."
"The directions are so confusing. Only drawings, no words."
"You'll get frustrated and give up before it's done."

My response was to stubbornly insist I can do this! For a change I
didn't buy into those old messages that would have paralyzed me in
the past: 
"Who do you to think you are?" 
"What makes you think you can do this?"

I just knew I could do the assembly. How? I remembered another time
when everyone warned me I wouldn't be able to do something.

I was eleven years old. Uncle Max gave me a headlamp for my bicycle.
I was so excited when I open the package. Then disappointment took
over when I saw the zillion parts lying in that box.

My dad promised he'd assemble it for me. Days turned into weeks.
I kept asking "When?" He kept saying, "Soon."

Soon never happened. Each month that went by was another
disappointment. I gave up on my dad.

However, I didn't give up on finding a way to get that headlight
mounted on my handlebars.

I did find a way. Me. I would put it together myself. Yes, it
was hard to understand the directions.  Yes it was complicated.
Yes, I struggled with it. Yes I made some mistakes. Lots of
mistakes.

Eventually I got that headlamp up and working! And then, of
course no one would believe I did it myself. "No way," they'd say.
"It's too difficult for an eleven year old girl to do."

My success with that headlamp let me take on the IKEA challenge.
I was able to tap into that childhood success and to trust it.
Especially when people were warning me not to even try to build
the IKEA units. I just knew I could put the storage pieces
together the same way I put the headlamp together.  And I did.

2. WHAT'S A MISTAKE OR THREE?

I did make some mistakes. More than once I had to disassemble
my work and reassemble it. I just kept telling myself how
grateful I am that there are two units of each design. One on
which to make mistakes. That way by the time I got to the
second unit, I learned from my mistakes. Well, truth be told,
I'm a slow learner and once or twice I repeated my earlier
mistakes. However, it did take me far less time to rectify
them!

And true to my style, I was making the job more difficult
than it needed to be. My battery powered screwdriver refused
to recharge. I decided to just go with my collection of old
manual screwdrivers. Trouble is, my Phillips screwdriver was
all worn out and I was stripping the screws.

So I used a  standard screwdriver, but the size was was not
quite right. I got the job done, but worked at it much harder
at it then I needed to.

I  have to say I did love the challenge of it.  I did love
taking on this new adventure.
I especially loved the feeling of exhilaration when I put on
that last door. And I actually got it to hang right. (Nobody
told me that getting the doors attached was only 1/2 the job.
The doors also have to evenly meet and close tightly.) 

I bought some great polished brass wire handles. I figured out
how to measure where to put the screw holes.

But frankly, the thought of using an electric drill to make
the holes for the handless was scary.  Luckily my long-distance
boyfriend was in town and could help out. Burt to the rescue!
He made the work look so easy. He even bought me the right
size screw drivers which sure made the last stage of the
job go a lot easier. I'm sure grateful to and for Burt.

I'm grateful I was able to tap into a long ago memory of an
ability to put things together.
I'm grateful to be able to recognize my eleven-year-old
competence. 
I'm grateful to call up the ability to trust myself enough
to attempt this project.
I'm grateful that I could allow my self to make mistakes
and not judge myself harshly.
I'm grateful that I can let myself be proud of my
accomplishment.
I'm grateful for the chance to experience self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.

It's an amazing experience to rediscover a strength or
ability from years past.
Especially when it's one we forgot we have. And one that
can be transformed into something useful in the present
and future.

3. LESSONS FROM THE YELLOW SUBMARINE

Another way of transforming abilities, is to practice
borrowing from one compartment within yourself and
transferring it to another. Here are some highlights
I presented in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of
Dealing with Rejection' on the power of transforming:

Can you visualize a hallway with rooms on either side?
Do you remember the scene in The Yellow Submarine
cartoon movie? Remember how the  Beatles characters
were running back and forth across the hall from room
to room?

Imagine that a room contains skills you developed in
childhood and adolescence.

Think of this room as a storage area, with every possible
type of storage container. You'll find closets, shelves,
bins, boxes, and chests of drawers. Perhaps even file
cabinets. 

Can you imagine yourself rummaging through these early
strengths that have been tucked away? Can you imagine
selecting one or two. You can take your time as you
let the process of choosing, sorting, selecting unfold.

Then gather up this new energy you have found. Carry it
across the hall to another room, another compartment,
another part of yourself. Take it to a place where you
have the space to appreciate your skills in a new way. 

Consider ways you can recognize skills that exist in
one area of your life and transfer them to another area.
In this new space you have created, you might find this
new energy begins to transform into something even more
precious and useful.

4. TRANSFORMING SELF-REJECTION INTO SELF-ACCEPTANCE 

However, for some of us, recognizing and appreciating our
abilities is not always easy. Some of us somehow missed
out on the essential building blocks of childhood — things
like self-esteem, self-assurance, or social skills.

Sometimes it seems that we only have stumbling blocks
instead of building blocks.

I can also recall some experiences earlier than the
headlamp adventure. I can
recall having real-life building blocks as a young child:
my erector set. Perhaps some of you had building blocks 
as well. Maybe wooden alphabet blocks,  or Lincoln Logs
or Legos. Did you have a favorite? What was it? Can you
picture the pieces now?

"Visualize taking them down from the shelf and spreading
them around you on a table or the floor. Can you imagine
what they felt like in your hands? How did you put them
together? What was your step-by-step process of building?
How did you select which pieces to use? What did you build?
Did you make windows or doors? If so, how did you frame
them? Did you cover your structure with a roof or did you
leave it open to the air? Did you save the finished structure
or put the parts away for another time?

What can you learn from recalling your building process? Can
you transfer these skills over to how you approach tasks and
problems today? Instead of undermining, you can practice
bolstering, reinforcing, fortifying, buttressing, bracing,
or shoring up your resources.

In fact, you can be your own personal foundation architect."
(From 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with
Rejection.')

For me, the most wondrous transformation of all is the process
of transforming self-rejection into self-acceptance. Successfully
putting together those IKEA storage units was
an important step for me along the road of self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.

5. AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE . . .

I'm waiting for the arrival of my first grand child.Jocelyn and Chris
are having a baby girl by C-section today, September 20, 2007.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

'Til next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"

Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)

(Here's the list:  faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood

It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:

"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
  set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
  every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"

Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?

2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS

Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.

Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.


And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.

Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you

You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.

No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.

So what to do about it?

In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works.  Why 
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'

The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.

In the Spirit of Teamwork

In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.

Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.

- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
  best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?

We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.

We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.

- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
   good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
   in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
   transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ? 
For example, sharing household chores?

In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:

- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
   sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
   and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.

Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

Teamwork in personal and professional relationships

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:

- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
   than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture

3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION

RESPECT is a key ingredient here.

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.

APPRECIATION is important too.

Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.

Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication

Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:

- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
   answer is always 'no.'

- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
  really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
  for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
  something is.

- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
  will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.

Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.

I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.

4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK

Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.

What does sharing household chores mean? 

Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:

1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
    done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.

Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.


Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility

Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.

Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore.  But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."

Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do  couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the 
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"

Chore Rotation to the Rescue!

Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made?  A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.

Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?

Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss

Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair.  It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.

5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER

Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.

Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.

"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."

This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?

Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end.  Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.

Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.

It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.

This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.

By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article:  http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v

Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"I've Never Felt So Mortified!"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
June, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. I've Never Felt So Mortified!"
2. Shame and Humiliation Take Over in a Flash
3. Remind Yourself: "It's Embarrassment and Not Shame"
4. Tips for Handling Humiliation and Shame
5. Getting Your Energy Flowing Again
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. "I'VE NEVER FELT SO MORTIFIED!"   
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

For some of us, getting embarrassed can be, well, so embarrassing.
Blushing. Flushing. Stammering. Feeling disconcerted and a bit
ridiculous.

Some of us, however, skip over embarrassment and go straight to
mortification, and humiliation And yes, even to that agonizing
place of shame.

Maybe you blurted something out without thinking. Or you gave the
wrong answer at a meeting or a class. Or maybe you neglected to
ask about something important. Or you weren't thinking clearly
and made a mistake placing an order.

Several years ago, I got confused at the counter when I was placing
an order for coffee beans. I asked for many pounds of my own special
blend of beans than I wanted. When I realized my mistake, I not only
turned red, but I “flooded.” Panic washed over me. I couldn’t think
straight. I was a “bad” little girl again and someone was going to
judge me. The coffee people were gracious, and didn’t ask me to pay
for my mistake. But I paid for it in other ways — my “badness”
intruded on my thoughts for a few days, until I regained control.

2. SHAME AND HUMILIATION TAKE OVER IN A FLASH

Shame and humiliation are overwhelming feelings for many of us. They
can take over in a flash. Shame's claim to fame is feeling exposed as deficient. We feel painfully diminished.

It's this feeling of exposure that causes intense feelings for most
of us.
Public exposure can be in front of anyone, including friends or
family. Even in front of children.

Usually this feeling of being exposed is not an isolated incident.
It usually dates back to something a teacher said to embarrass
us in front of the class. Or an aunt or uncle teasing us at the
Thanksgiving dinner table. Or running ahead of the group at the
amusement park and getting chastised by a parent.

If embarrassment would just know it's job and stick to it,
everything would be OK. Maybe a little blushing. Or feeling
uncomfortable. Or self-conscious. Or awkward. That would be a
bit easier to handle.

The intrusion of shame into this scenario carries more of an
emotional charge than feeling embarrassed. Yet, shame may not
be necessary to deal with the situation that just occurred.

3. REMIND YOURSELF: "IT'S EMBARRASSMENT AND NOT SHAME"

Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful
or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s
warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Try
repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

In the same vein, if you make a mistake you don’t have to tell
yourself you’re a failure. Okay, so you screwed up—maybe you
misspoke or made a misstep, a miscalculation, an omission, an
oversight. But this doesn’t mean you’re a freak or a failure.

These are self-rejecting responses.

4. TIPS FOR HANDLING HUMILIATION AND SHAME

Here are some ways you can handle your embarrassment when it moves
into humiliation or shame. Especially when you find yourself
emotionally 'flooding.'

You can learn to create distance when you find yourself in
overwhelming situations. By finding a way to avoid the flood of
emotions that may be swirling around you, you can begin to think
more clearly.

1) The easiest approach is counting to ten slowly. It really works
to pull yourself out of the situation and give yourself just enough
distance to regain your balance.

2) Another approach is to say to yourself, “I’m only feeling
embarrassment here, not shame. Just because I’m embarrassed
doesn’t meant I’m ashamed.” Shame and embarrassment are not
the same feeling. Learn to recognize the difference and try to
keep them separate.

3) As soon as I feel any kind of embarrassment coming on I
use this approach. I laugh at myself before anyone else can.
I’ve developed a kind of giggle that pops out whenever I
start to feel embarrassed. It puts me back in control of
the situation and sidesteps potentially embarrassing moments
from moving into the realm of shame.

As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself.
It was more like I was laughing with myself. Once I began to
lighten up everything changed—I found I wasn’t taking things
so personally.

4) A fourth technique is to say to yourself, “I don’t have to
deal with this input now. I’ll put it on ‘tape delay’ and play
it back later. A variation would be to jot down the other person’s
words if pen and paper are handy and tell yourself you’ll deal
with them later.

5) Another way to protect yourself from emotional overload is to
visualize a plastic bubble around yourself where nothing can hurt
you. You have the ability to install or remove the bubble at will.
Nobody can get to you while the bubble is in place. And nobody
knows it is there but you. Imagining a plastic shield in front
of you works too.

6) You might experiment with using imagery to sort out those
jumbled feelings. It helps me to see my feelings as tangled
up gold chains. I once read a household hint that suggests
putting knotted chains on waxed paper, adding a few drops of
mineral oil, and gently moving them around with two straight
pins until they untangle.

This not only works for chains, it works for feelings as well.
It has been a useful image for me to keep handy.
Try visualizing this image the next time you feel all
tangled up.

5. GETTING YOUR ENERGY FLOWING AGAIN

The key is to find ways to untangle and get out of that
state of paralysis. The key is to get your energy flowing
again.

A woman I know who is trained in massage knows about unblocking
energy and moving it around. She taught me how she gets her
energy flowing again. 

Whenever she wants to move from a negative place into a positive
place, she visualizes a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of
warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving
through the interconnected tunnels. As the energy flows, a
wondrous transformation takes place. She notices how the
negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as
they flow from space to space.

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining,
it provides sustenance, allowing room for her needs and wants,
and encouraging clear boundaries.

Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and
enhancing good communication. And it keeps on moving and flowing.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
May, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'
2. The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing
3. Virginia Tech and Seung-Hui Cho's Two Plays.
4. Memories of Columbine and Even The Menendez Brothers
5. Rage is "Anger with a History"
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription

1. IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN - THE HEARTACHE OF BEING 'DIFFERENT'
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Last month I wrote about bullying behavior and the damage it can do.
A couple of days later the killing rampage occurred at Virginia Tech.

So this month, let's take a look at the effects on someone who is
teased or ignored because they are "different." As Kermit the frog
says, "It's not easy being green." 

2, The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing

All too many of school violence situations happen when someone has
been repeatedly teased, taunted and/or ostracized. Then at some point
a few decide they are "just not going to take it anymore."

Perhaps their misery is so great they contemplate killing themselves.
Perhaps with their fuzzy thinking, killing others gives them reason
to kill themselves. Or to let police bullets do it for them.

Of course, many children and young adults are teased by schoolmates.
Most have  enough resiliency to bend without breaking. But some are
more brittle.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I
quote from Ronald Rohner's studies of worldwide rejection. He found
three important characteristics contribute to resiliency in children.
These are: development of a sense of self, self-determination,
and the capacity to depersonalize.” To me, this means they don't take
things so personally.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

3. Virginia Tech and Seung-Hu Choi's Two Plays

Just after the Virginia Tech killings I had the opportunity to read
Seung-Hui Cho's two short plays. I was handed both eight page plays by
KTVU reporter Ken Wayne, just before he interviewed me for a Bay Area
TV newscast.

I quickly read the plays, then we talked about them as the camera rolled.

Here's the link to the news clip.
http://www.ktvu.com/video/12345827/index.html -The Ken Wayne Interview

This was one of the most difficult interviews I've ever given. At the
time, we still knew very little about the killer or about what happened.
The video tapes had not yet been released. I'm always careful
not to speculate when I don't have enough facts in front of me.

4. Memories of Columbine and Even the Menendez Brothers

AND this brought back memories of the day the Columbine killings
occurred.

I went on the air for 4 hours that evening with a Denver radio host. We were
trying to help folks make some sense of what had happened that day in
Littleton, Colorado.

The killings at Columbine High School are in part the result of two students
being teased, taunted and ostracized by classmates for being 'different.'

Both described  injustices done to them by a handful of students. Reportedly,
a friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time
to get back at the school.”

“They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them.
They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.
Unfortunately, that’s what they did.” 

As Kermit reminds us, "It's not easy being green."

Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.
He wrote about killing himself. 

Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so
many fun things." 

On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns
and a semi-atomatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates
and a teacher.

I am also reminded of another gruesome killing incident when Erik and
Lyle Menendez brutally killed both parents.

I remember their Aunt's testimony during the trial. She described how she
lived across the street. Often the boys, then toddlers, would cross the street by themselves in the morning because they  were hungry. Their mother was
reportedly sleeping off too much booze the night before and did not get up
to take care of them.

The image of toddlers crossing the street alone to find food has stayed
with me all these years. Toddlers!

Of course the stories we heard in the media addressed the more
obvious allegations of physical and sexual abuse by the father.

Their mother not only failed to protect them from their father,
but she neglected their physical needs as well.

Here again I had the opportunity to appear on a national TV talk show.
And again I was attempting to help the public better understand how
this kind of brutal, horrific violence could have occurred.

The Menendez killings are another example where perceived injustices
bring on anger and violent rage.

Surely, neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse does not give
someone the right to kill.

Yet, understanding the abusive conditions can help us understand
the feelings of injustice and anger or rage that lead to these
killings.

5. Rage is Anger with a History

My definition of rage is “anger with a history.” Rage is an emotion
beyond anger. Anger relates to something happening in the present
and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from
overwhelming, often unbearable feelings from the past. It often
arises from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices.

Ever since I read Cho's plays I've been unable to get the obvious
pain of the killer out of my mind.

The Virginia Tech killings were horrific. The plays were also
horrific. Quite a few commentators have talked about the bloody
descriptions and anger contained in the works.

Yet, I saw something else as well. As I was reading the vivid
descriptions about wanting to kill people, I realized that rage
was not the only theme in these plays. Both describe a young
person being sexually violated by older men, one a teacher.

And not surprising, former high school classmates describe how
Cho was mocked and laughed at for his shyness and the way he
talked.

Yes, "its not easy being green."

There is a high price paid in the school yard for being different.
Being green seems to be an invitation for rejection and the
emotional pain that goes along with it.

Seems to me, we could try to be just a little more respectful to
each other.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

On a personal note: I'm off to Denver today to present a program on
Rejecting Rejection: Don't Take It Personally! for the Colorado
National Speakers Association.   

'Til next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
April, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Don Imus, the Schoolyard Bully
2. Taking Bullying Personally - It Starts in the Sandbox
3. Why Do Bullies Bully?
4. Tips for Bully-Busting
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends,
family and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1.  Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was writing this April newsletter on workplace bullying.
Several of you suggested the topic.

Then the Don Imus fiasco happened. I listened to commentators
discuss the meaning of it all: the blatant racial and sexual slurs,
the inappropriateness, the outrageousness of it all. But something
was missing. The bullying factor.

Have you noticed the recent onslaught of bullying on radio,
TV and blogs? I got all fired up about the need to address it

So I adjusted my original topic a bit - from workplace bullying to
airwave  bullying. The components are essentially the same.

Imus reminds me of all the schoolyard bullies I've known since
kindergarten: arrogant, demeaning, insulting, coercive, assaultive,
contemptuous, belittling, picking fights, and taking cheap shots. 

Random House Unabridged defines a bully as a "blustering,
quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates
smaller or weaker people."

I must have been a 'small and weaker' people.  I sure got bullied a
lot. And it it hurt a lot.

Perhaps this is why the recent Imus transgressions have such a
powerful effect on me. 

Something unsettling is getting triggered here. Memories are
coming back about all the times someone teased me, taunted me,
humiliated me, or spit at me. 

Yes, you read that right. Spit. That's what some neighbors did
across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. And their
teenage son used to threaten to beat me up in the alley. I guess I
was about 6 years old.

I'm hearing from others that they, too, are reacting powerfully to
the Imus Chronicles. They too, have memories of bullying.

"Talk to me Down and Dirty - I'm Listening"

I'm amazed at the huge audiences these bullying airwave
'personalities' have.  Do folks crave to be insulted and talked
down to? Or perhaps they enjoy hearing others get their
'comeuppance,' being made 'bad' or 'wrong,' and humiliated for
having their own viewpoints.

For many of these media personalities there is no room for
disagreement. And if someone dares to phone in and question an
opinion, the caller is bullied. Unmercifully.

I've done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly
difficult interview on a major TV show. I was the newby on the 'panel'
and the others made great sport of bullying me into chopped liver. I
managed to hold my own, but it was not a
fun experience.

Bullying behavior can be obvious or it can be subtle. What it is
of course, is emotionally abusive and rejecting.

2. TAKING BULLYING PERSONALLY

It's hard not to take it personally when an attack feels so personal.

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues — feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
“dissed:” disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged.


It Starts in the Sandbox

I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection: 

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do? 
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering -  criticizing,
belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. But rejection
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the
eyes will get a reaction every time.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect
which we perceive as rejection.

Disrespect shows itself by emotional outbursts. Or it may surface in
baiting, putdowns, judgments, or criticism.

Or it appears as teasing, cynicism, or sarcasm.

The Underbelly of Teasing, Cynicism and Sarcasm

Teasing, cynicism, and sarcasm have something in common: Anger. On
the surface, each behavior appears to be "funny" or "just a joke."
In reality, when you scratch the surface, each has undertones  of
anger. But they are passed off as 'humor.' Humor at the expense
of others.

Teasing by parents, relatives, teachers or peers leads to forming
negative beliefs about ourselves and our world. And these beliefs
accompany us into our work and personal relationships.

"Our agenda is to be funny, and sometimes we go too far. And this
time we went way too far," said Imus in a recent interview.

Imus' Program Director Jennifer Worley claims, "He manages to
insult someone every day." 

More examples of being funny at someone else's expense?

3. WHY DO BULLIES BULLY?

When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very powerful.
If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find
a scared, hurting, ineffectual and insecure person.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us
protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Some of us need to puff
ourselves up.

Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme and some
people engage in bullying behavior.

Think about it this way: bullies are puffing themselves up and
seeking out someone to bully. Yet, under that aggressive exterior of
the bully is someone who is scared or hurting.

Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain. AND it helps
keep people away.

The Wizard of Oz and The Smokescreen

I once heard actor/comedian Robin Williams describe what it was like for
him to finally get to know his father. The quote went something like
this: “It’s like in The Wizard of Oz. Don’t look behind the curtain -
behind it is a terribly fragile man.”

When I first saw the movie as a child I was so scared: that huge
booming voice of the Wizard. The billowing bursts of smoke.

Now I can see what a smoke screen is all was.

In Breathing Room I wrote: "When we puff ourselves up or push someone
around, it doesn’t leave much room for the other person, and they end
up feeling diminished.

In reaction to someone puffing up, many of us quickly get intimidated,
wilt, and disappear. It just doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving
end of puffing or pushing."

4. TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING:

If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    • The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
      Maybe all of the above.

    • When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a lot of
      space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your space so
      you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    • The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    • FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.
       
    • Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                           

    • Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    • Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________."  When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    • Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly. 

    • You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    •  And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

Soon to come in upcoming issues: more focus on workplace bullying.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2007

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat
2. The Dance Between Rejection and Taking Things Personally
3. Talk About Vicious Circles!
4. Ten Sure-fire Ways to Avoid Rejection
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends,
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1.  Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing
      Relationship Boat 

      By Elayne Savage, PhD

It's amazing how business or personal relationships can so
quickly get off course.

It's often because of those mmmm's.

There are a whole bunch of mmmm's out there causing bumps
along the path to successful work and personal relationships.

Let's start with a few:  miscommunication, misreadings,
misunderstandings, mistakes, missteps and miscues.

Most folks would say miscommunication is a big problem. Someone's
meaning is not clear to you. You may try to guess what someone
means and you misread them.

Sometimes it's a miscommunication is connected to misunderstanding.
If you don't understand someone's meaning do you make an attempt to
clarify by asking?

Or, instead, do you play a frustrating game of 'fill-in-the-blanks'?

When we don't know the answer to something we tend to
fill in the empty space with our own perceptions and
interpretations. Most of the time, of course, we're mistaken.

These interpretations pass through a filter containing your
private storehouse of experiences accumulated since
childhood.

These early experiences color your beliefs about
the safety of your world and the people in it.

These experiences, when positive, teach you to trust the
intentions of others.

However, if they happen to be rejecting experiences they might
teach you to be wary and to protect yourself from further hurt
and rejection.

Do You Recognize This Situation?

Here's a story I've heard many times with variations. It goes
like this:

You are walking down the hallway at work. You pass your
manager who who doesn't say hello.

What do you tell your self? Do you find yourself going through
your emotional checklist:

- Am I not dressed OK?

- Do they not like me?

- Did I do a bad job on that report?

You might even tell yourself, "Oh no, I'm going to be fired."

Fired! How quickly your mind went there.
Fascinating isn't it - how we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt
and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation.

Most likely the explanation is that he or she was wrapped up
in their own thoughts. They just didn't see you. Do you think
you might have misread the situation?

The Bull's Eye in a Target

Isn't it amazing
- how we seem to find ourselves in center stage.
- how we make the situation all about US (when it's frequently
  more about the other person.)
- how we take it as a personal affront.

When you find yourself in the center of your universe, it's hard
not to personalize the actions of others.

In that center position it feels like all eyes are on you. It's
no wonder you feel like a the bull's-eye in a target -- just
waiting for the dart's sting. And expecting it.

Getting hurt a few times too many leads to protecting yourself
from more hurt. 

When you feel like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's hard
not to take it personally.

2. THE DANCE BETWEEN TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY
     AND REJECTION

Taking things personally, means feeling disrespected and rejected.

Taking things personally, means feeling blamed or slighted or
personally attacked.

Taking things personally, means getting feelings hurt by
misinterpreting the meanings of others. We see the actions of
others as a personal affront, believing someone intends to hurt us.

Taking things personally, means that our emotions are controlled
by what somebody says or does or what they don't say or do.

The tendency is to protect ourselves, to pull back,
even to the point of 'disappearing.'  One person I know describes
how she "learned to contract into a pinpoint, withdrawing from
everybody and everything. I went invisible. I still do."

What Happens Next?

When you're feeling snubbed, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose
you'll react the next time you see the offending person?

You may find yourself avoiding that person's eyes in your next
interaction. If your hurt shows on your face or body language,
they may interpret it as judgement or distain. Or it may look like
'attitude' to them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They'll
try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. Usually they
start with something like:

- "Do I have food caught in my teeth?"

- "Did I just say something stupid?"

- "Maybe you don't want to work with me anymore." 

Thinking these kinds of thoughts generally does not make that
person open and available to you. Probably they'll be closed off
and protected.

3. TALK ABOUT VICIOUS CIRCLES!

Each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other
person's behavior. Before you know it, there is a reciprocity
of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.

My book BREATHING ROOM describes the many facets of reciprocity
and how it affects relationships.  Reciprocity is "the effect
of behavior on subsequent behaviors, how one response begets
another.

"For example, #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means
something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts
protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the
perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and
on it goes, with no beginning and no end.

In other words, #1 doesn't do it to #2.
#2 doesn't do it to #1.
They do it with each other."

The behavior of each person affects the behavior of the
relationship.

As you can see, this circular process of relating
can cause problems for professional, friendship and romantic
relationships.

Here are some brief examples of how relationships get thrown
off-balance when miscommunication and reciprocal interactions
cause confusion.

For example, Amanda was going through a tough time and
talked to her friend about it. It was several months
before the friend called Amanda to follow-up on how
she was doing.

Amanda told herself all those months that her
friend didn't care about her. In fact, the friend had called
twice and left messages which were not passed on to Amanda.

This was a miscommunication and misunderstanding that might
have caused irreparable damage a long-time friendship.
Thankfully Amanda initiated a conversation with her friend
about her discomfort about the situation.

On the other hand, interest doesn't always work the same
for everyone. Keith asked his partner Hannah quite a few
specific questions about her new job and new boss.
Hannah saw it as 'prying,' where Keith says he was 'only trying
to show interest and caring.'

Good thing they talked about it before feelings got too hurt.
Both might have built protective walls around themselves,
keeping the other out.

Really, Really Awkward

All too often these confusing behaviors don't get
addressed and checked out. The longer it goes on, the
harder it is to get back on course. You don't know what to
say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship becomes strained. And you begin to
feel very awkward with that person.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum.
Or don't look them in the eyes when you do see them.

They may feel like you're ignoring them. Ignoring feels like
disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection. 

And once you get on that run-away-rejection train, it's
hard to get off.

Why not take a deep breath. Make an attempt to deal
directly with the issue and the person. The idea of
'confronting' is surely scary.  However, remember that confronting
the situation is not the same as confronting the person.

You could start by identifying and addressing the awkwardness.
At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been
awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same
for you? I'd like our relationship to get back on track. Can
we talk about how we can make this happen?"

Here are some tips for not getting on that train in the
first place:

5. ELAYNE SAVAGE'S 10 SURE-FIRE WAYS
    TO AVOID REJECTION

•  Remind  yourself, it's more about the
   other person than it is about you.

•  Separate the "personal" from the
   "professional."

•  Don't presume - check things out.

•  Don't try to read someone's mind-
   or expect them to read yours.

•  Put yourself in the other person's   
   shoes. How might they be feeling?

•   Remember: you really do have choices.

•   Be direct. Ask for what you need.

•  Practice "time outs." Count to 10.

•  Try rejecting rejection for a change.

•  And DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

©  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Valentines Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
February, 2007

Welcome to the Valentine's Day edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'™

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
2. 7-Sure-Fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day -
    Whether You're Attached or Unattached
3. Contacting Elayne
4. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, please
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
   
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

Here comes Valentine's Day - almost guaranteed to be a set-up for
disappointment. 

On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in
a gift? Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for? Are you
crossing your fingers and  hoping your sweetie will read your
mind?

Are you disappointed once again? Do you take it personally?
Might you even feel rejected?

Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
anger and resentment.

Those resentments are the bane of relationships. And  many of
you know, as the months and years go by, the resentment grows.
It takes up so much space in in your relationship. It doesn’t
leave much room for connection and intimacy.

How Did Valentine's Day Get to Be So 'Loaded?'

For many of us it goes back to grade school.  I remember how
I used to spend many hours/days/weeks dreaming about getting
a special valentine from that special person who sat one row
over and two rows back. So cute and so clueless that I was
even interested.

I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine from him
appeared on my desk.

I remember those miserable years in grade school when I felt
so left out of the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize
about being  one of ones who got the most valentines. I hardly
got any.  Well, at least not the nearly as many as the popular
kids got.

The memory of those disappointments is still painful.
I used to pretend I didn't care. But truth be told, I was heart-broken.

Did I feel rejected.  I sure did.

Did I take it personally?  Well, of course, I told myself that
I didn't rate a valentine. Who was I to even think that cutie
one row over and two rows back would be EVER be interested
in me.

It seemed like each successive Valentine's Day became another
disappointment in an already too-long string of disappointments.
Before long, I was dreading the approach of Valentine's Day. I
hated all the yucky feelings it brought with it.

Protecting Schoolchildren from Valentine's Day Disasters

Maybe it's easier for many kids these days. Many school
districts have rules to try and stop Valentine's Day from
becoming popularity contests.  If cards do make their way
into the classrooms there cannot be a 'special 'card to a
'special person.' Often the rule is that cards must be given
to every classmate.

Hopefully when these school children are adults, they won't
have the same expectation of disappointments that so many of
the rest of us have harbored.

Expecting Disappointment

After all those years of Valentines Disappointments, do I
continue to EXPECT to feel some sort of disappointment on
Valentine's Day.  You bet.

I began to realize it's more than whether or not I happened
to have a honey that year when Valentine's Day rolled around. 
It's really the disappointments, large and small, that put a
damper on the day.

Most of these disappointments come from
unrealistic expectations. The more unrealistic our hopes and
anticipations are, the harder they hit when
they fall to the ground.

Disappointments Feel a Lot Like Rejections

Disappointments feel like rejections.  Disappointments
hurt.  Disappointments leave a big empty space.

And the awful thing about it - we take these perceived
rejections personally. And this leads to self-rejection.
We become self-blaming, self-critical, self-deprecating.
At least temporarily, our self-respect goes into hiding.

Being a Couple Brings Along Its Own Set of Disappointments

Some folks expect that once they become a couple, they are
forever done with  from those disappointing times. Being in a
relationship is no guarantee of a disappointment-free Valentine's Day. 
In fact, there are lots of ways we get our hopes up, allow ourselves a
full-fledged expectation, and come away disappointed.

Maybe you are expecting a special card with a special sentiment
and the card says only: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Maybe you are craving your honey will suggest (AND make
reservations for) that new trendy restaurant that you've been
dying to go to.  Not a word.

Maybe you have your heart set on that special new book or gift
from your favorite shop.  Nope. Doesn't happen.

And then there is that Valentine's Day frenzy in the workplace.
All day the florist is dropping off gorgeous bouquets or
long-stemmed roses to your co-workers.  You just know the next
delivery will be for you.  No. Doesn't happen.  How embarrassing.
Another disappointment.

One man I know tells this story.  "I'm afraid to buy my
girlfriend a gift or even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so
anxious that I'll choose the wrong thing, that I just don't
even buy anything.  Whoever I'm dating at
the time gets really upset with me. They get disappointed in me
and get really hurt. Then they break up with me."

Another example of how disappointments feel like rejections.
It's hard not to take them personally.

Clearly your subtle hints aren’t working. More obvious hints
aren’t working, either. However, saying what you yearn for
does work. Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's
Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out
to dinner with you. I'd like you to make the reservation."

You can make this Valentine’s Day a success by avoiding
misunderstandings and disappointments.

2.  7 sure-fire ways to a Successful Valentine’s Day

If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Respect each others
'ways.'

–5 Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not  to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.

–6 Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine’s Day doesn’t work
very well if it’s an “afterthought.”

–7 AND don’t take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little cornerof the world.

On a Personal Note

As for me, I'm older (much) and wiser (sort of) now. I'm at
long last growing past being stuck inside that perpetually
disappointed schoolgirl. 

I'm very grateful for the experience of being in a
wonderfully loving relationship for the last three years.
A relationship that gives me the space to practice saying
what I want. I also get to practice keeping my
expectations realistic. It's like I woke up one day
and realized that I'm no longer expecting disappointment.
Now I expect to be loved and to love back.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where
and when the material will appear.

The attribution should read:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a workplace consultant,
professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author.
To find out more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Editon) - Handling Expectations and Disappointments

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
January, 2007

Happy New Year and Welcome to the Holiday Recovery edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Edition)
2. The Culprits - Adrenaline Highs and Disappointments
3. Family Get-togethers and Tips
4. Gift-giving Dilemmas and Tips
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, please
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Edition)
   - Handling Expectations and Disappointments
   
   By Elayne Savage, PhD

Realizing how often my unrealistic expectations result in a
downward disappointment spiral was an illuminating moment for me.

Then I made another eye-opening connection: I figured out my
long-time struggle with dreaded rejection is really about my sensitivity
to DISAPPOINTMENTS.

The Holidays offer great practice in dealing with the kind of
disappointments that feel like rejections. Examples are all around us.

When you get disappointed you may give yourself various
explanations: "He doesn't care about me," "She just doesn't
'get' me," "My mother's comment is so mean-spirited," "He should have
guessed what I really wanted." Notice how these are all messages of rejection
and self-rejection.

After-the-Holidays-Let-down

Most of us experience some sort of after-the-Holidays-let-down.

You know how it goes: the blahs creep up and start to take over,
pushing out whatever good feelings that might have existed.

This the time of year I hear lots of disappointment laments from
workshop participants, associates and consulting and therapy clients. 

So I set out to understand the source of this yearly let-down. I'm
thinking if we understand it, we can do something about it.

2. THE CULPRITS: ADRENALINE 'HIGHS' AND DISAPPOINTMENTS

The 'Adrenaline High'

I remind myself of the emotional/physiological stress
component - the rush of adrenaline.

There are, of course, the multitude of stressful situations we
are exposed to daily. For example our time/money/relationship/
parenting/work pressures, not to mention the onslaught of
disasters in the news.  Now add to this the craziness of preparing
for theHolidays.

To get through it all, our body calls upon stress hormones - adrenaline
and cortisol.

This rush of adrenaline feels good for a while. We're on a "high"
from this over exposure to the stress hormones.

But what happens once the excitement of the Holidays are over? The
stress hormones in our system decrease because they are no longer
needed. The over-exposure to the adrenaline and cortisol causes a
'let-down.' We get the after-Holiday-Blahs.

OK, so aside from the crash after the adrenaline 'high,' let's look
at other reasons for the 'let-down.'

For some of us, after-holiday let-down happens when inflated
anticipations and expectations come crashing down. They end up in
a heap of disappointments and hurt feelings.

And regarding stressors, two of the biggest Holiday stressors
are family get-togethers and gift-giving, both resulting in a heap
of disappointments and hurt feelings if our expectations are
unrealistic.

Here are some snapshots of how it happens, how we react and some tips
for dealing with it.

3. FAMILY GET-TOGETHERS AND TIPS

Even though you know better, each year you might find yourself
engaging in some wishful thinking.

Maybe you were hoping that magically your family gathering will
turn into the picture-perfect settings you've been seeing on TV.

Or you were hoping mom will praise you for your salad-making 
talents because really went out of your way this year. Instead,
Mom  makes her own salad dressing to put on your salad, "because
yours was never very good."

Or you took special pains to dress up for dinner and Dad 
says, "Are you wearing THAT to the table?"

Or you're bursting with pride about your new professional
accomplishments and  want to be recognized.  Yet family members
are still comparing you to your cousin Tracy.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big
dose of rejection. And these feelings can lead to some pretty
tense moments.

The Holiday Hype

You know how early those 'persuasive' ads start appearing. The
purpose, of course, is to get you  ready for Great Holiday
Expectations.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly
indoctrinated by the ads. We are expecting a picture-perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner with our family.

But it doesn't happen. Somebody does or says something that
ruins it for you. Your Norman Rockwell vision quickly turns
into one of Edvard Munch's Anxiety paintings. 'The Scream'
comes to mind.

Some Holiday 'Worst Nightmare' Scenarios

Charlie's Story

For Charlie, the misery started when Uncle Frank started making
fun of his political views. Like the fish and the
fisherman, Charles bit the bait. Uncle Frank ups the ante and
begins saying hurtful things. Charlie loses it, and raises his
voice to defend his beliefs.

"It became so ugly," remembers Charlie.  It felt like I was
kicked in the stomach." 

But Charlie is already practicing for the next round. He vows,
"I won't bite the bait next time." I'll try to disengage before
I get upset. If Uncle Frank brings up any of his favorite
hot-button topics - politics or religion or sexual preferences
- I can handle it."

I'll look him directly in the eyes and say, 'Uncle Frank, I can
see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that.
However, I do not want  to discuss this subject.'" 

Allison's Story

Allison's Holiday meal took a disappointing turn when Aunt
Tilly loudly declares, "What! You're actually taking a second
slice of pie?  You don't need it."  Allison wanted to slide
from her chair and go under the table. "I felt so humiliated
when everyone was looking at me."

"I started sputtering and tried to say something back to her,
but no words came out. That's when Aunt Tilly remarked, 'Oh
come on, Allison. It's not the end of the world. You always
were way too sensitive.'"

Allison, too is practicing for next year. She now realizes
how Aunt Tilly's preoccupation with weight is not even about
Allison. It is most likely about Tilly's extra 10 pounds.

And take a guess at who the 'way too sensitive' one really
is, under that bullying exterior.

If it happens again, Allison won't take Tilly's remarks so
personally. She'll be able to stay centered.

In the meantime, she'll make sure she has a
one-to-one conversation with her Aunt. Allison will be direct
and tell Tess that she'd appreciate it if Tess would not
make weight comments to her from now on.

It's Easy to Feel Like a Little Kid Again

An interesting thing often happens to us at these family
get-togethers. It's easy to feel like a little kid again.
Like magic, we're transported back in time.

When we were small, if someone teased us or acted badly
around us, we had no clue that we had choices. We just had
to stay there and take it.

Keep reminding yourself that you DO have Choices now. You
can excuse yourself, gracefully leave the room and regain
your composure.

This brings us to some tips on some good ways to take care
of yourself. If you start practicing now you'll be an expert
by the time the Holidays roll around.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Here are a few ways to take TIME-OUTS to collect your
thoughts and your composure. Excusing yourself, slow
breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help
regain your balance (and your dignity.)

- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says
or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to
get a drink of water.

- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me,
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a
few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle
this?"

- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car.
This lets you BE INDEPENDENT about your transportation. You
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stress
of family if you need to.

When someone's behavior is obnoxious, rather than overreacting
and glaring at them, why not try a different tack?

- Try to find something you can like about that person. For
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt
is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes. 
Then concentrate on that redeemable feature.

When the person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more likely
to respond positively to you.

As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are
applicable to many life situations - not just the Holidays.

OK, now on to another big source of Holiday disappointment -
gift-giving.

4. GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS AND TIPS

Truth be told, gifts are a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you  don't get what you hoped for.  And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait, you're not done feeling rejected yet. Now you tell
yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough about
you. If they did, they'd have known what you had in mind.

Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it
personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop and shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find yourself
waiting with baited breath to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression
and body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item
at the discount store? What do you tell yourself?

And what about those popular gift cards?  The media hype has
been"Gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true
enough  for the folks who love to shop. They just love gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfectgift for themselves. 

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to shop for them.

In other words, they're taking it personally.
Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like rejection.

Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and
when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some
of those old childhood feelings of disappointment.

Gift-giving TIPS:

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want.  Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect
anyone else to try to figure it out.

NEXT MONTH

Actually I'm saving more discussion of gift-giving and tips for the
February issue of 'TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION.'

The reason of course, is that next month brings VALENTINE'S DAY - a day
that brings disappointments galore.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2006

Welcome to the second issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence
2. A Few Words About Ambivalence and Gift-giving Dilemmas
3. Tools for Taming Ambivalence
4. Contacting Elayne
5. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends, family and
business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. WHISPERS AND ROARS - THE VOICES OF AMBIVALENCE
 
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

I wrote about my Fears and my Ambivalence in my struggle to
produce my first e-letter last month.

I talked about how The Fear of Rejection was the leader of the
Fear Team: Fear of Visibility, The Fear of Failure, The Fear of
Success and The Fear of Disappointment. Fear of Judgment and
Criticism were on the sidelines as well.

I described the warring voices of my ambivalence: The
disconcerting "You can!," "You can't!" The clash between the 
voice of confidence and the voice of doubt.

When I finally finished writing it, I hit the 'send' button.

There's More to the Story

I was also struggling with another quandary: How was I going to
present myself in the e-letter?

I studied other e-newsletters. Oh my, they were so 
'professional,' 'businesslike' and 'practical.' That's
how I wanted mine to look.

In my first draft I found myself imitating them. In a 
'professional' and 'businesslike' way I presented an overview
of my struggles. Then in a 'practical' way, I jumped to a list
of 'how-to's for dealing with ambivalence.'

Something was Missing

Informative, sure, but something was missing.

A small voice was trying to get my attention. "Listen to me,"
it pleaded. I ignored it. I was determined to put out a
'professional' newsletter.

Then something allowed me to trust my intuition. I made a
decision to share that early draft with a consultation client
who was dealing with some of the same issues. Perhaps a word
or phrase would jump out at him. It did. He thanked me.

And then he asked, "Would you like some feedback?" Sure.
Why not. He knows my presenting style. He's heard me speak
professionally in various venues.

"This newsletter isn't you. It's too formal. Your strength
is in telling your story. When I hear you speak I find
myself being drawn in. But not this time. Something is
missing from your writing."

I listened. He was absolutely right.

Somehow I'd misplaced my essence.

What happened to my voice? Where were my feelings hiding? Under
a rock? In a closet? In the basement?

I found myself too concerned about what others might think. I
lost my voice. It was drowned out by my anxiety and tendency
to compare myself.

I was rejecting my Self.

The Tag-along Template

I got caught up in trying to make my e-letter fit every one
else's template. I let myself be influenced by those very
impressive professional e-zines.

I was trying to compete.

I lost ME.

I wanted to find myself again. To accept and respect myself.
To honor and enhance my strengths. I made a choice to tell
my story exactly as I was experiencing it.

As I looked at my fears and faced them, I began to move
through  them. The moment I hit the "send" button, I
realized something was  different about me. I had just
developed a new relationship - with my Self.

Many of you wrote to say how you recognized the fears I
described - Fear of Visibility was a popular one.

Some of you told me you are starting or finishing a
project that's been a gleam in your eye for a long time.

And you wrote that you are beginning to understand your
ambivalence a little better.

Those Whispers and Roars

For some folks the word 'ambivalence' means 'love and hate'
or 'good and bad.' But there are many kinds of ambivalent
feelings and thoughts.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of
simultaneously conflicting feelings, ideas or wishes which
compete with each other. It can lead to an inability to make
a decision.

We Deal with Ambivalence by:

• Avoidance –Avoiding the pain of another rejection
• Self-Sabotage - How might you sabotage yourself?
• Procrastination – A great example of how fear of rejection leads to self-rejection
• Perfectionism – If we do it ‘perfectly” no one can find fault.
• Second-guessing ­– Self-doubt about decisions
• Excuses/Rationalizations – What you tell yourself

It's a tip off you're ambivalent when you experience
uncomfortable inner conflict and can’t make a decision.
You feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may find yourself experiencing a wide-range of
ambivalent personal and professional situations:

—Having trouble deciding which mail (or papers or files or clothes)
to keep and which to toss out

—Wanting to spend time with someone, and at the same time
wanting time for yourself

—Wanting a romantic relationship, yet not being quite ready
to make a commitment

—Wanting connectedness but needing separateness

—Wanting a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours
it would require

—AND related to this Holiday Season: Having trouble making
up your mind about which gift or card to buy.

2. A FEW WORDS ABOUT AMBIVALENCE AND GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS

It's amazing how much anxiety comes from trying to pick out a
gift or greeting card. Fear of Rejection, Judgment and
Criticism run rampant.

Have you ever had this experience of looking for a gift or card?
You see something in one shop but you're not quite sure it's the
right thing. So you go to the shop across the way. There you see
something else you like.

You get really confused. You may even go back and forth between
shops a few times. You still can't make up your mind.

You may become anxious and upset because you don't know what
to do. You might even leave without buying anything. (Tips on
handling gift-giving dilemmas and in a future issue.)

When two internal voices start skirmishing with one another,
this conflict leads to uncertainty and confusion.

The confusion creates anxiety. The anxiety causes us
to freeze up and become immobilized. This degree  of
ambivalence surely isn't productive.

It takes a lot of energy to deal with these conflicting voices.
Wouldn't you rather put your energy in some other activity?

By moving past the ambivalence, it's possible to leave space
for making  choices. Here's how.

3. TOOLS FOR TAMING AMBIVALENCE

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only 
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Writing to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What
I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can
begin to move forward by naming it.Is it Fear of Rejection?
Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment?
Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Then say 
it out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently
and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early
experiences but also to family messages which are passed down
from generation to generation.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it
'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enough
to recognize when you may be starting down that old path of
doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down
this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to
take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking
yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean  ___________________.
If I fail, it would mean  _________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean  _____________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone? _____________.
Who would that be?  __________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen? _____________________.

These are all ways we hold ourselves back from our goals and our dreams. Check in with yourself: Am I procrastinating?  Second-guessing myself? Being too perfectionistic? Making excuses? Rationalizing? Avoiding?

This clash between the voice of confidence and the voice of doubt is ambivalence!

And to avoid anxiety from the clash we too often self-sabotage.

Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space you need to
recognize your options.

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to — especially
someone who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this
process.

Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and
definition. This allows enough space for choices to emerge.

And it allows you the space to move forward.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of relationship books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:

http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Fear of Trying - The Newsletter That Almost Wasn't

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2006

Welcome to the first issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear of Trying -The Newsletter That Almost Wasn't
2. Contacting Elayne
3. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends and
colleagues who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would like
to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can sign up at:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. FEAR OF TRYING - THE NEWSLETTER THAT ALMOST WASN'T

    By Elayne Savage, PhD

What a struggle it has been to write this e-letter! My dream turned out to be a surprisingly difficult challenge.

Tripping Over My Own Stumbling Blocks

I've wanted to produce this newsletter for such a long time. I've had this idea about offering useful tips for navigating frustrating personal and professional rejection encounters.

I've looked forward to sharing my observations on rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally.

But many months went by and I wasn't writing. Something was holding me back.

I was dragging my feet. I got sidetracked by every diversion that came along. I was even sorting through stacks of papers and cleaning out file cabinets.

I was tripping over my own stumbling blocks.

Why was this project becoming so difficult? I kept reminding myself, "Come on, Elayne, you've been speaking on rejection for all these years, you completed two books and lots of articles on the subject. You can do this."

But I wasn't doing it.

Something was interfering, displacing anticipation, eclipsing hope. Then I recognized the intruder. 

It was Fear.

The Fear Team Roars In

The Fear Team comes roaring onto the field led by The Fear of Rejection and its evil twin, the Fear of Failure. They're joined by the Fear of Success and the Fear of Being Visible.

Warming up on the sidelines is the Fear of Disappointment. Make no mistake about it, however. Fear of Rejection is the team leader, the foundation for all the other Fears. 

I hear voices in the background and stop to listen. The Fear Team brought along a rooting section. Well, that's OK. I have my own pep squad. 

Both sides try to out-shout each other: "You can't do it! You can't do it!" answered by "Yes, I can! Yes, I can!"

"I have lots to say on this subject!" "You have nothing to say!" "Lots!" "Nothing!" "Lots!" "Nothing!"

Opposing voices are swirling around in my head. Conflicting emotions are skirmishing with one another. This confusion makes me so anxious. I become immobilized.

The Queen Calls a Time Out

It's time to sort things out.  It's too hard to see options through this haze of confusion. When we're unable to make choices, we feel stuck. And when we're feeling so stuck, making choices becomes even more difficult.

Let's start with that exhausting tug-of-war between the voices. This ambivalence involves the presence of simultaneously conflicting thoughts, ideas or feelings.

Ambivalence is often influenced by the messages we hear in our early years. And I was running smack into a barrier of these self-sabotaging childhood messages:

   "What makes you think you can do that?" 

    "You're not going to succeed, why try?"

    "You're such a dreamer."  

    "Who are you?"
    "Who are you?"
    "Who are you?"

You, too, may have memories of admonitions received from parents, teachers, or peers. In the last twenty-five years,I've heard hundreds of poignant stories from my counseling and consulting clients.

Warnings like these are rejecting messages. They DISCOUNT, DISMISS and DIMINISH. Over time we begin to interpret these warnings as "Be careful." Caution like this isn't conducive to exploring new directions or writing first issues of newsletters.

Trying to sort it all out, I ask myself an important question:

"What do I fear this time?” 

   -Could I be comparing my proposed project to other newsletters
out there?

   Sure.

  -Might this involve making the commitment necessary to produce something regularly?

   Of Course.

  -Is this about putting words down on paper?

   Absolutely.

Struggling to Put Words on Paper

Putting something in writing - committing words to paper or computer screen — has always been a struggle. Even writing thank-you notes or notes of appreciation is difficult and gets delayed far too long.

The moment you hit the "send" button, you can't take it back.

Recently I confided my difficulty in putting words to paper to a few people.  To my amazement there was immediate recognition. "Yes!" each affirmed, "This is a huge problem. Putting words down for others to see feels like I'm making a commitment." And, they added, "I thought I was the only one with this problem."

I thought this was MY fear, MY incapacity, MY paralysis. I guess I'm not alone. Putting words on paper brings up all kinds of fears. It may be Fear of Rejection or Failure or Success for some. It may be Fear of Visibility or Disappointment for others. It may be all of them.

And to avoid the anxiety that these fears bring we creatively take are of ourselves by dealing with our ambivalence: 

• Avoidance –Avoiding the pain of another rejection
• Self-Sabotage - How might you sabotage yourself?
• Procrastination – A great example of how fear of rejection leads to self-rejection
• Perfectionism – If we do it ‘perfectly” no one can find fault.
• Second-guessing ­– Self-doubt about decisions
• Excuses/Rationalizations – What you tell yourself

And What About You?

You, too, have probably faced confusion or fear about taking on new challenges. I hope this story about my struggles benefits you. Just maybe a word or phrase helps you look differently at your situation.

When conflicting ideas led to uncertainty and confusion, calling a "time-out" with yourself let's you step away from the confusion and sort things out. As you understand your fear and ambivalence, you can see your options more clearly. Taking a step back can give you the space to move forward.   

The Voices Quiet Down

The voices of MY Fear Team are more subdued. They still try to taunt me, but I pay little attention:

    "You say you know just what to do. 
    We say you don't. So who are you?"

I'm discovering who I am as i go through the process of facing this challenge. I'm Elayne Savage. I finished writing the first issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.' And I just hit the "send" button!

To Be Continued

Next month: "Whispers and Roars-The Voices of Ambivalence" You'll learn Tips and tools for handling Ambivalence.

Upcoming issues will focus on such topics as Expectations and Disappointments, The Relationship between Rejection and Taking Things Personally, Difficult People, Messages Passed Down through the Generations, and Communication and Miscommunication.

Until next time,
Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of relationship books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.