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Posted at 11:19 PM in Communication, Conflict resolution, Current Affairs, Listened to, Heard, and Understood , Politics, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment, Respect, Style Differences, Taking Personally, Teamwork, Voter Suppression, Workplace | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: conflict resolution, direct communication, Hakeem Jeffries, House of Representatives, Kevin McCarthy, negotiation, persuasion, resentment, respect, teamwork
So I’m thinking a useful way to end the year is recapping some talking points about rejection, hurt feelings and taking things personally included in past blogs from the last 15 years.
Prevention Magazine recently featured some of my ideas along with the wise observations of Matt Lundquist the Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.
And a recent piece in the Atlanta Journal Constitution has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about these challenges many times and the paper links to a blog from 2019.
So I’m reprinting these two features –sort of a Special Edition Rejection Cliff Notes.
Let me know the ways you might find these useful. . .
Tips From Prevention Magazine . . .
6 Tips for Dealing With Rejection, According to Experts
You’re not just sensitive—rejection hurts and we have the science to prove it.
By Micaela Bahn
https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a38175548/how-to-get-over-rejection/
Hooray! You took a risk and put yourself out there. But after all of that emotional effort, it didn’t go as planned, and now you’re feeling just a bit wounded. Everyone deals with rejection at one point or another, so it’s no secret–rejection hurts. Whatever business we start, serious relationship we pursue, or personal risk we take, the risk of a defeating “no” looms large over our actions. Fear of rejection is completely normal, and the good news is plenty of happy, successful people have faced rejection and come out better for it.
So, why does it seem like some people are better at dealing with it than others? Sometimes, it’s about how you frame the setback. “Rejection hurts, in part, because one of the most fundamental human fears is abandonment, ” say’s Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and Founder and Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.
Likewise, we frequently misinterpret rejection and consider it an indicator of our self-worth, especially if it’s attached to a rejection we experienced early in life, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., LMFT, and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. “Rejection messages, direct or indirect, intentional or not, leave bruises on self-esteem and security in both our personal and workplace relationships.”
The sting of rejection can be painful enough to make us never want to take the risk again, especially when we’ve put our emotions on the line. But if we take rejection as the end-all-be-all, we miss out on so many of the wonderful and surprising opportunities life has to offer. Fortunately, there are a few tangible steps you can take to help change your frame of mind so that the burn doesn’t last. Here’s why rejection hurts so much and some expert-approved tips for moving forward and finding emotional strength.
1. Know there’s a reason that rejection hurts
The term ‘sting of rejection’ isn’t just an apt turn of phrase for hurt feelings. Your brain actually registers the pain of rejection as a physical wound, so don’t think of yourself as overly sensitive.
In a study published in Science, researchers used fMRI’s to determine that rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. Their theory as to why: Our social bonds help promote survival. “We are fundamentally social creatures,” says Lundquist. “This isn't merely a preference—we depend on one another to survive. On a primal level, being cast out of a family or group is synonymous with death.”
Evolution aside, our reaction to social rejection is also impacted by our attachment styles, or our unique way of relating to others in a relationship. Learning to attach and to confidently detach is something we develop in childhood, explains Lundquist. In healthy attachment styles, children learn to tolerate the unpleasantness of being separate from a parent and, eventually, from other love objects. So, rejection is a particularly unpleasant form of detachment.
2. Process your feelings
Now that you know the pain isn’t just in your head, it’s time to identify and process all of the feelings that come with it. Give yourself permission to feel the full scope of your emotions. It’s important to put any sense of loss in perspective, says Savage. Here are a couple of check-in questions and coping tools that she offers patients:
Each of these exercises can help untangle our present feelings. “It’s critical to recognize our early rejection messages from childhood, how we dealt with them, and how they have affected our current worldview,” Savage explains. If we recognize these feelings and reactions, we can choose to change them.
3. Understand where the rejection came from
Take a deep breath because it’s time to do the scary work of exploring our own role in the rejection (again, without judgment!). One major pitfall in relationships is that we sometimes don’t communicate what we want clearly. Ask yourself: Was I asking someone to read my mind, and do I feel disappointed? Savage notes that in our need to protect ourselves from rejection, we may leave blanks for someone else to fill in.
Similarly, our insecurities can also lead us to perceive something as rejection when it’s actually not. “If we don’t clarify meaning, it can often lead to hurt feelings, taking something personally, anger and resentment,” says Savage. This “clarifying,” can be internal or in conversation with the other party. For instance, you asked your boss for a promotion and they told you you aren’t quite ready. Instead of taking this personally and giving up on that hope for your future, think of it as an opportunity to find out what your boss needs from you to beready.
A quick and easy check-in strategy you can try with interpersonal relationships, from Savage:
There are certainly times we shouldn’t delve further into the rejection conversation. But if the situation allows for it and it feels right, this strategy can work to fix communication breakdowns and save your unnecessary hurt.
4. Avoid unproductive rumination
At the same time, be kind to yourself in your reflection! We have a tendency to be our own worst critics. But ruminating for hours on everything you did wrong may overgeneralize the situation or discourage you from taking future risks—just because you didn’t get this job, doesn’t mean you’ll never get a job. “Some of the biggest challenges patients face when processing rejection are the tendency to self-blame and spend way too much energy on catastrophizing the situation,” Savage explains. Instead, try to take a more objective standpoint in your assessment and move on to what’s next.
5. Take stock of what you can learn
Allow yourself to frame the situation as an experience you can grow from. For example, you want to take a romantic relationship to a more serious level, but your partner does not. Sure, this can be related to your role in the relationship, but the other person may also have a hard time with commitment. “What can you learn about what didn't work in the relationship?” Lundquist asks. “Are there ways you need to grow as a person? If there is a history of attachment trauma or unhealthy attachment, say to unavailable people, you want to bring that to therapy.” Not only will this give you perspective, but it will also help you avoid pitfalls in the future.
6. Surround yourself with positivity
No matter the “size” of the rejection, whether it’s at work or home, it can still have a negative impact on our sense of self-worth. Mediate that response by reminding yourself of your strengths. Studies show that practicing affirmations can decrease stress, increase well-being, improve academic performance, and makes people more open to behavior change. It can also help bring an end to that troublesomerumination. If you need a list of affirmations to get your creative juices flowing, here are 40 examples from Kaiser Permanente.
You can also do activities that help boost your mood, affirm your self-worth, and do them with those who care about you. “It's important to get support from caring people when going through a hard time, and that also goes for rejection,” says Lundquist.
7. Redirect your thoughts on moving forward
You’ve faced rejection and survived it, now don’t let it hold you back from life! How will you apply what you learned to the future? What life advice did the situation give you? The best part of rejection is looking forward and learning not to be so hard on yourself in the future. “Moving on can mean finding the courage to try again, whether that’s going up for another promotion or asking someone out for coffee,” Savage says.
Micaela Bahn is a freelance editorial assistant and recent graduate from Carleton College, where she majored in English literature.
And from the Atlanta Journal Constitution . . .
This recent piece has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about this many times over the last 15 years and I’m glad the paper included some of my ideas!
Don’t Get Your Feelings Hurt This Christmas
A really helpful any-time primer on how to deal with disappointments and to not take things so personally!
Wishing you a New Year filled with all good things!
Image by Gerd Altmann, Pixabay
Until Next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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Posted at 12:49 PM in Communication, Disappointments, Gift -giving, Rejection, Resentment, Social Rejection, Taking Personally | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Atlanta Journal Constitution, attachment styles, disappointments, gift-giving, hurt feelings, Prevention Magazine, Rejection, Taking Personally
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / focalpoint
Lately the squabbling and dramatic goings-on in Congress remind me of many troubled couples I see in my psychotherapy practice.
My intake information form asks: “Why did you decide to come into therapy now?” and almost always couples answer with the same one or two words: “Communication” or “Communication Problem.”
My first job, of course, is to get some specifics about what this means – “communication” covers a lot of ground.
Mostly couples want to be listened to, heard, and understood.
The kinds of things that are often lacking in these relationships are what appears to be lacking in our present Congress: becoming entrenched in ‘my way or the highway’ thinking, the inability to clearly define what they want and expecting others to read their minds, and not having skills to respectfully negotiate a workable solution.
I describe it this way: If we can’t talk it out, we act it out – sometimes by name-calling or by outbursts, but often by non-actions such as sulking or foot-dragging or saying ‘yes-but’ or by making promises that are not kept, or by shutting out the other person.
Feeling Rejected and Disrespected Through Misunderstandings
Too often they do not know how to clarify meaning and they ‘fill in the blanks” with their own interpretation.
One easy way to check out meaning is:
- This is what I heard you say? ––––––––––––––––
- Is this what you said?
- Is this what you meant?
The gives the other person two opportunities to clarify and avoid any misunderstanding.
These mis-cues and misunderstandings are a breeding ground for taking things personally, hurt feelings, disrespect, anger, feeling rejected, resentment and further breakdown in communication.
Resentment sure takes up a tremendous amount of space in any type of relationship – including Congress.
Communication breakdown too often leads to blaming, dismissive, name-calling behaviors. Needing to make the other person ‘bad and wrong.’ Inability to take responsibility for their words or actions., dismissive behaviors such as diminishing the other person by bullying.
I work with couples toward defining and asking for what they want or need, feeling 'heard' by their partner, respecting rather than feeling threatened by differences of style, putting themselves in the shoes of the other person, giving and receiving respect, and enhancing ways to work as a team.
Even when they come in with different agendas, I coach them:
- to clearly communicate so each is feeling listened to and heard.
- to use words of yearning instead of complaining.
- to enhance their relationship strengths by helping the hurt, anger, disrespect and resentment to fall away, allowing space for responsiveness, accessibility and connection.
- to fully understand the power of reciprocity in relationships:
Understanding Sequence and Reciprocity
Sequence is identifying what behavior comes before and what behavior follows. And what comes before that? And before that? What behavior comes after? Soon a pattern of interaction begins to emerge.
Related to sequence is reciprocity – the effect of behavior on future behaviors – how one response begets another. In other words, every action is also a reaction, creating a circular rather than linear process of relating.
It means taking a good look at how folks participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.
In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you.
Let’s suppose one person says something the other person perceives as accusatory. The response is often to protect from the perceived attack. The first reaction may be to withdraw, maybe nursing hurt feelings or giving the other person the silent treatment.
What if this withdrawal is perceived as a snub? What if they say something hurtful in response?
And what happens then? Does the person withdraw even more to protect themselves from more hurt? And does the other person feel even more ignored and slighted? How do they react to this feeling?
At what point does the interaction start to disintegrate?
And on and on it goes. In other words, in this kind of circular interaction, each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior.
Before you know it, there is a reciprocity of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.
Yep, that describes Congress perfectly: Out of Hand.
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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Posted at 12:38 AM in Blame/Blaming, Couples, Disrespect, Politics, Resentment, Taking Personally | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Communication Problems. Miscommunication, Congress, Troubled couples
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I found exchanges between congressional committee members and Robert Mueller unsettling: There was awkwardness and discontinuity and too much grandstanding. I was surprised to hear the extent of the anger and sarcasm.
I kept seeing an image of a tattered American flag that someone had tried to stitch back together. For me it symbolized the ripped fabric of our country.
Watching Robert Mueller struggle at times to find the precise word was especially painful for me. I was reminded of my own life-long struggles with words.
I, too, try to be precise but it takes effort. Most of my life dyslexia and mild ADHD have interfered with grabbing just the right word – and it doesn’t get any easier as I get older!
I’m pretty good at explaining concepts, presenting difficult, sophisticated ideas in easy to understand language. Yet exact words and phrases often elude me and finding the right words can be a struggle.
Writing these blogs over the last 12 years I find I can easily knock out a rudimentary first draft, but making it articulate can take hours.
How The Media Outdid Themselves with Ridicule
Seems to me many media outlets missed the point of Mueller’s need for precision. They portrayed his seeming struggles for choosing the right word as a deficit and made it a focus of attention.
They were ridiculing him for not remembering certain statements made in the report. How hard would it be to figure out that he didn’t write every word himself.
In her recent post my professional speaking colleague and friend Francine Ward, Esq. says it better than I ever could:
“Funny how many folks made snarky comments about Mueller not remembering what was in the 500 pages of a document his office prepared months ago.
I wonder how many of the complainants (who own homes) can recall every word in the mortgage agreements they signed? Or can readily recall the terms of use they agreed to when signing up for Facebook? Or, can easily recall what’s in the trust, will, or power of attorney they signed?
Further, if anyone has ever been a witness in a litigation, and not remembered everything asked of them, they may recall having their recollection refreshed by the lawyer offering a document for them to review.”
Mueller was clear he did not want to testify - and that everything he had to say was in the 448 pages of the report and he would not expand on it.
So Congress went ahead and subpoenaed him, hoping he would expand on the written statements. Why were they so surprised when he gave only one or two word answers, not adding much. I guess I was surprised to hear him being criticized for his brevity. I can’t count how many times during congressional hearings I’ve heard committee members chide witnesses: “Just give me a yes or no answer.” Did these guidelines change for Mr. Mueller?
His answers showed how reluctant he was to be there and how reticent he was about adding more detail to what was described in print.
Reluctance, Resistance and Reticence
So let’s talk a bit about reticence.
I’ve worked with hundreds of reluctant and reticent teens (and adults as well.) At first I never expect to get much more than yeses and noes and if lucky maybe a few ad-ons. Almost always the holding back decreases as we move forward.
This kind of withholding can involve many variations: resistance, stalling, foot dragging, yes-butting, only minimally complying and even a form of sabotaging.
The term used in psychology books for these kinds of behaviors is ‘passive aggressive.’ However, I find the actual description of these behaviors is more useful.
We got what we were promised. Mueller clearly stated he would be staying within the confines of the four corners of the Special Counsel report. And he did just that. Even maintaining composure in the face of flaring temper and disrespectful questioning.
Magical Thinking and Unrealistic Expectations
And when the hearings were over it’s interesting to speculate what brought on the often vicious, critical comments by the media and public. My guess is it was the amount of ‘magical thinking’ permeated the whole affair.
I often write about how unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointments. When expectations are not realized these disappointments can result in feeling cheated, jilted, rejected by, alienated from and angry at the person who disappointed you. Flickr: Pompin1
Sometimes as adults, we revert to the magical thinking of our childhood, when we lived midway between the world of magic and the world of reality and all things were possible.
Back then we believed we were the center of the world and our wishful thoughts could make things happen.
Magical thinking is a normal part of childhood development, but in the adult world it can be a setup for disappointment.
“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible,” says Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years.
Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.
The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. In this magical world the child also attributes various wondrous powers to other people or object.
With the arrival of secondary process thinking, at six or seven years old the child begins the age of reason, developing the ability to follow the rules of logic and taking external reality into consideration.
But sometimes, even though we’re grown up, we revert to magical thinking, and this leads us to repeated disappointments in life.
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)
Disappointments and Resentment
When we put someone on a pedestal and see them as an icon, the higher they are, the further and faster they tumble once they disappoint us. Too often we feel hurt and even rejected by people we care about because they didn’t, or couldn’t, or wouldn’t be what we need them to be. Sometimes we take it personally.
And sometimes folks overreact. Many of the media outlets actually surprised me by the depth of their venom.
Imagine criticizing someone because they asked for clarification to a muddled, jumbled, disordered, complex question. As a therapist and speaker I always want to be sure of the meaning of a question or statement. It feels unethical to try to guess and not clarify.
Many years ago I decided to get hearing aids as soon as I realized I was sometimes confusing consonants in therapy sessions. (Interestingly my audiologist thinks my hearing loss probably started when I was very young. I remembered an uncle told me several years ago: “You always pretended you couldn’t hear when you were little.” So it seems I've strained to hear since childhood and I recently learned I have developed an auditory processing problem which often accompanies hearing loss.)
And for 35 years I’ve been coaching therapy and workplace clients on how to check out meaning and request clarification. It’s especially difficult for those of us who grew up in families where the ‘rule’ was to avoid definition and clarification and never ask questions.
Nothing gets us into trouble in our relationships as much as responding when we are unclear about what someone means.
This is how I see 'communication problems':
Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings, anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much relationship space, there is barely room for connection.
How can we have productive conversations with partners, family, friends or business associates when there is no clear understanding of what is being said to each other?
And back to the hearings: Why would committee members and the media rush to judgement just because someone asks for clarification of a poorly stated question? And why did they try to outdo each other in attempting to leave the reputation of this witness in tatters?
Sure beats me. I'd love to hear your ideas on all of this.
More about how to ensure productive communication: Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
Posted at 06:54 AM in Anger, Current Affairs, Disappointments, Disrespect, Politics, Rejection, Resentment, Taking Personally | Permalink | Comments (4)
Tags: foot dragging, Francine Ward, Magical Thinking, passive aggressive, Ridicule, Robert Mueller, Special Counsel, Unrealistic Expectations
There seems to be a state by state race by legislators to ban and criminalize abortion. But I don’t hear anyone talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants.
Some parents are able to competently cope with unintended pregnancies. Others fear they can’t manage. Maybe they want to finish school and get a job before they start a family. Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.
Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?
I know first hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.
I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade. I guess I saw just about every type of trauma and neglect and abuse and exploitation and abandonment you can imagine.
Whenever I hear about parents mistreating and abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they resented and rejected.
Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:
So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care and with fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?
In my CPS years there were many situations I observed where parents were not able to be responsible to the well-being of their children. Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.
I’ll never forget the day I watched a 14 year old mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging her along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.
Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.
I knew about young children burned or hurt when they were left unattended for several hours.
I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or unwashed clothes.
I remember one woman teaching her young child to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!
This memory still haunts me: One day when I showed up for an appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them. Thinking about that day makes me want to cry.
© Can Stock Photo / studiostoks
The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect
Child Abuse and Neglect is "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."
More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway
The list of possible long-term effects is endless: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives and trusting becomes a life-long struggle.
In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.
More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:
A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 46 in some states!
A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.
When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe
I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about the unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation. Sometimes the only way to protect a child is by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable relative, placing him or her in foster care.
The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm.
But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.
Years later, when I was a Long-term Placement social worker and was visiting residential facilities, I came across some of the same children I had removed years before. Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because their families were unable to provide a safe enough home environment for them to return to.
Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?
Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?
So back to my question: If abortion is banned what’s going to happen to the children? When mothers who do not want to bring a child into this world are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments? How can we be sure they will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?
(Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice and there certainly is lots of money to be made for some people, however the emotional considerations are huge and would have to be carefully considered.)
And resentment often permeated the families I knew. I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. I saw the stress of expecting a new baby sometimes leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw the existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra pressure on family members.
And the system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be placed outside of the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?
Will We Be Going Backwards?
Stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate times before Roe v. Wade. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using instruments like coat hangers, to try to induce an abortion. Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but there were way too many back-alley deaths.
Will women and their families be facing this anguish again if the courts decide we have to go backwards to that dark place.
The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality
Clearly lots children who were traumatized developed the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.
However, studies show a connection between incarceration and childhood abuse and neglect.
Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.
And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.
A few years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally. This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.
‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several told me:
“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”
Legislators in some of the states newly banning abortion are admitting the grand plan is that this legal maneuvering will lead to SCOTUS overturning Roe.
So with the move to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee these unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly even become criminals themselves?
Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?
© Elayne Savage
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
Posted at 06:02 PM in Abuse, Current Affairs, Rejection, Resentment, Self-rejection, shame/shaming | Permalink | Comments (3)
Tags: abortion, child abuse, child abuse and incarceration, Child Abuse Reporting Laws, mandated reporters, neglect, Roe v. Wade, trauma
By Elayne Savage, PhD
During Thanksgiving dinner with friends, many at the table gave thanks for being able to come together as community.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we heal by coming together.
I wrote a piece after the election about the healing power of community and the pro-active spirit the spontaneous marching brought.
Two weeks later I wrote a tribute to my almost 23 year old cat, Elizabeth, who died two days before Thanksgiving. The community responses from my Facebook post have meant a lot and are doing so much to help me heal.
I’m including versions of both pieces in case there is something useful for you here. If there is, let me know.
Most of us would agree there is a need for healing in our country. There is fear and uncertainty and insecurity . . . and depression.
Issues we personally or socially care bout are in danger, Many who craved and voted for change in government are beginning to worry their health care and retirement benefits could be tampered with or even wiped out.
Are you, too, needing healing? Have you found a way to connect with others in your community who could use a little comforting as well?
I’d love to hear how you are taking care of yourself.
. . . . . .
On the Road to Healing: Overcoming Disappointment, Anger and Resentment
As you are aware, following the election tens of thousands of marchers across the country came together. gave me hope.
I found it fascinating that many of these marchers are high school and college students. Many saying their confidence in a democracy that values human rights is eroding.
Marchers say they are speaking out because they feel discounted. Not heard. Invisible.
Hopelessness and Helplessness
My therapy clients of all ages are struggling with uncomfortable feelings coming to the surface. They are apprehensive and fearful – expressing hopelessness and helplessness about the unpredictability of what’s to come.
These feelings are well-known symptoms of depression.
As a psychotherapist I know that feeling anger can be a healthy way to combat the ‘freeze-frame’ and listlessness of depression that interferes with work and relationships.
I know being proactive counteracts powerlessness. So I work with clients to strategize how to move forward – how to feel empowered by taking one step at a time.
The key is Action. Movement. Activity.
When a client is depressed I try to schedule morning sessions, which gets them up and out of bed and to my office.
We put words to the worries and fears. We discover ways they can be more present and aware of the world around them. Taking walks and ‘breathing in the colors’ works really well.
Whether or not you support the post-election marching, these marchers intuitively knew how to take care of themselves. By marching and chanting they could reclaim their voices. By taking action they didn’t feel so disappointed or fearful or helpless and hopeless. By marching they could feel more empowered.
Disappointment Can Feel Like Rejection
Most of us have experienced disappointment in our lives and we may have been surprised and confused by the intensity of our feelings.
For many of us disappointment feels like rejection. We may even take it personally – feeling hurt, unsupported, or that it’s “just not fair.”
Where do these feelings come from? Sometimes they actually begin in our early years.
Do you remember when you were little and had your heart set on that shiny red fire truck or new puppy or that curly-haired doll?
Do you remember how disappointed and hurt you were when you didn’t get it?
Were there times you weren’t chosen for the team, or you didn’t get that award you had your heart set on? Or you didn’t get asked to the prom?
How hurt were you? My own hurt was connected to feeling not seen or heard or appreciated.
I’ve learned that unexpected disappointments remind me of the times in my childhood when I watched my hopes fizzle. I’m now aware how these little kid feelings get tangled up in my big person responses. I’m watching this happen as as I hear announcements of cabinet appointments and apparent congressional plans to erode some of the basic human rights I care deeply about.
Disappointments tend to stockpile. Each new disappointment echoes the last. When we encounter a new disappointment, our past past experiences may ignite and feelings of rejection can take over.
For some of us not feeling heard or seen can feel like a rejection of our very being. If we push these feelings down they might even grow into anger and resentment.
Resentment Can Be Toxic
Resentment takes up enormous space and restricts our ability to connect with others. If we dwell on perceived injustices it affects our ability to be productive. Resentment is a great immobilizer.
One of the best ways to curtail resentment is to create space to voice feelings
and hopes.
Coming Together as Community
The post-election wave of pro-active activity allowed folks to find their voice and speak their feelings in a validating atmosphere. They are finding ways to talk together in living rooms, public places, and social media, I’m even hearing stories about Uber passengers and their drivers offering each other consolation and hope.
Amidst all that hopelessness, hope is alive. The marchers decision to raise their voices and be heard requires hope. There is hope in their determination to be engaged in our future. There is healing and hope in coming together as community.
I find this reassuring amid all the uncertainty.
. . . . . .
Goodbye Sweet Elizabeth . . .
Almost 23 years old! And not ready to let go – until now.
You have been such a sweet and loving girl. I am very grateful for you and for all you have taught me these 18 years you have been with me.
You have been admired by many. When somehow you left the house for the first time a couple of weeks ago and wandered down to the street, someone thought you were lost and drove you to the animal emergency hospital. The staff told me a nurse there was hoping no one would claim you so she could take you home with her! You certainly had quite an adventure on your very first sleepover, and clearly you got lots and lots of attention there. But when I located you the next day, you just threw your arms around my neck.
You have won over many hearts in your almost 23 years . . .
I remember the first time I met you. I noticed your bright blue eyes right away.
I loved how you came to your cage door, gave your squeaky little meow and touched my fingers with your nose. Like you were saying, “Take me home!” And of course I did . . .
I know you finally tired of all the pill taking and hydration infusions. It was hard for me watching you not eating for days and days at a time, even thought the Reiki energy sessions helped.
I decided to post this photo of you getting your blood pressure checked last month -– with the smallest cuff ever!
I know it hasn't been easy becoming deaf and mostly blind. I so respect your spunk! And your dignity and your perseverance. You have been quite a model of graceful aging. I'm grateful for you. And I’ll really miss you.
Goodbye sweet Elizabeth . . .
© Elayne Savage, PHD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
Posted at 03:27 PM in Current Affairs, Disappointments, Fear, Gratitude, Politics, Rejection, Resentment, Taking Personally | Permalink | Comments (8)
Tags: Coming Together, Community, Depression, Disappointment, Fear, Gratitude, Healing Resentment, Helplessness, Hopelessness, Pro-active, Rejection
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I love watching the faces of workplace and psychotherapy clients when I introduce the amazing Drama Triangle into our work. At long last, their problematic and confusing relationships begin to make sense!
When I discovered this concept in a Transactional Analysis Bulletin article in the 60s I thought: Eureka! I've found gold!
This ingenious way of sorting out complex interactions was developed by Stephen Karpman, MD, a psychiatrist in the San Francisco Bay area. Steve was a colleague/devotee of Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis and author of Games People Play.
I've written about the Drama Triangle in my books, and used examples extensively in my workshops. However, in the many years I've been writing this blog, this is the first time I've made it a centerpiece.
In the Karpman Drama Triangle, the three points are represented by the roles of Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The roles are interchangeable, with each player possibly trading positions at any given time. Sometimes a person may switch from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer in a flash; other times, it’s more gradual.
You may have noticed how it becomes a quick trip from feeling blamed to blaming someone. Or going from feeling victimized to provoking a “rise” out of the other person.
First of all, I want to point out how easy it is to feel like a victim when we tend to take things personally — especially at times we are feeling singled out or treated unfairly or disrespected in some way.
The classic martyr offers a great example of the triangle in action.
The Martyr – Victim Extraordinaire
Both in families an in work situations, the martyr complains of doing so much for others (Rescuer) that s/he feels unappreciated (Victim). Our martyr may frequently be heard saying (or insinuating) something like: “Look at all I do for you and look what I get in return — nothing.” And how do you imagine it feels to be on the receiving end of comments like that?
However, consider how the martyr may actually be the most powerful person in the family or work setting. Others keep trying to please (Rescue) — until they become resentful. Then they begin to feel victimized (Victim). If they retaliate by acting rebelliously or procrastinating or making empty promises, the martyr perceives them as “bad and uncaring” (Persecutor), because s/he actually feeling victimized by them.
Or Might It Be The Rescuer? Or the Victimizer?
Can you envision how the martyr moves from role to role on the triangle? This occurs in a similar fashion for other “rescuing” kinds of behavior — codependence, overfunctioning, infantilizing. When one person “takes over” for the other (Rescuer), the dependent one feels diminished (Victim) by the pushy one (Persecutor). Anger and resentment build up (Victim/Persecutor), leaving the “rescuer” feeling hurt (Victim) that these caring behaviors are not appreciated by their family members or coworkers..
In the graphic you'll notice the Victim spot is on the bottom of the triangle. However, because of the power the victim holds it might as well be on the top. Isn’t it fascinating how one person may see him- or herself in the role of Victim (or Rescuer), and another person may see that person as the Victimizer. And we wonder why people get so upset with us!
Awareness is the Key
Having awareness of how this process works can help stop interactions that lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, anger and resentment. Most especially, it can help curb that destructive cycle of feeling personally attacked and needing to defend by mounting a counterattack.
So often we get stuck in an intractable position, seeing ourselves in primarily one role — usually the rescuer or the victim.
Hmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how we seem to have blinders on about our own role of persecutor! Once we recognize that these positions are fluid, we can understand that others may see us quite differently than we see ourselves. Then we can more easily see problematic situations from a wider lens, perhaps even from the other person’s point of view. And what a difference that can make both at work and at home.
Might these ideas change your work or personal relationships? How might that be?
What kinds of Drama Triangle experiences have you had? I'd love to hear your stories and solutions . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Excerpted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room – Creating Space to be a Couple.
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
Posted at 05:00 AM in Anger, Bullying, Communication, Family, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment, Taking Personally | Permalink | Comments (3)
Tags: bully, Drama Triangle, Eric Berne, family, Games People Play, Karpman Drama Triangle, MD, persecutor, rejection, relationships martyr, rescuer, Stephen Karpman, taking personally, victim, victimizer, workplace
By Elayne Savage, PhD
"You're fired!"
"We won't be needing your services anymore."
"We're canceling your show."
How can you hear those words and not to take it personally? Especially if it feels unfair or there's been a betrayal of trust. Most especially if you didn't see it coming.
It's hard not to feel victimized.
Chances are you are feeling 'dissed' as well -– disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disposed of. Each of these is a form of rejection.
It's a Long Fall for Icons
Recently we've watched several media icons fall or get tossed off their pedestals.
- George Zimmer unceremoniously ousted by The Men's Wearhouse board of directors.
- Paula Deen sabotaging her career with thoughtless musings reflecting her Southern heritage and being fired multiple times: by the Food Network, Walmart, Caesars Entertainment, Smithfield Foods, Target, Home Depot, and diabetes drug maker Novo Nordisk.
- Brian Williams feeling "insulted" that NBC dropped his show, 'Rock Center.'
- Neal Conan making it clear NPR's decision to cancel Talk of the Nation was not his idea.
And when the firing is so public, the hurt and anger most likely intensify.
All Fired Up About Getting Fired
Have you ever been fired? Did you take it personally? What kind of emotions do these recent rash of firings bring up for you?
A long time ago I was fired from a Medical Social Worker job at a major hospital. They gave two reasons; My supervisor ordered me to address a 15 year old as "Mr. Jones."
I thought it was a ridiculous request and flat-out refused. She wrote me up.
The other charge was more legitimate I guess: I neglected to write a piece of information in our records before I went out of town for three days, even though I had informed the doctors and nurses on the ward.
Did my firing feel unfair? Yes. Did I feel unsupported and betrayed by people I worked with? Yes. Was I angry and resentful? Yes. Did I feel victimized? Absolutely.
I've been thinking a lot about victimhood lately. Feeling like a victim is a place I used to go to quickly – especially when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't take much for me to find myself right back in that helpless childhood place where new hurts pile on old ones. And old experiences seem to come out of the woodwork: secrecy, betrayal, lack of support and accusations that my perceptions are wrong.
I wasn't aware of my victim-y behavior until a coworker pointed it out to me. Of course I denied it, but on reflection, he was absolutely right. From that time on, I've been mostly able to spot this tendency in myself. I can usually make a conscious decision not to repeat the victim routine. Although, truth be told, I still can do a pretty good job of feeling sorry for myself. Guess an occasional pity party feels like home!
Romany Malco on Victimhood
Recently I was able to contribute some ideas to a touching blog on victimhood. Romany Malco (aka Tijuana Jackson) wrote about difficult childhood experiences. He asks: " what distinguishes the victim who manages to transcend his/her trauma(s) and go on to lead a love-filled, purpose-driven existence from one who chooses a more counterproductive (sometimes self-destructive) life?"
Read more: http://bit.ly/1bzJDwX
In response to Malco's question about victimhood, I see it this way: The big difference is the empowerment that comes from knowing we have choices – recognizing we are walking down that victim path and knowing we can decide to try out another road. Making choices is being proactive, rather than passive. It can be a powerful, exhilarating feeling—and so freeing.
You may already be familiar with Portia Nelson’s “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters." For my own sense of well-being, I like to re-read it every so often.
I
I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it’s a habit.
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
Posted at 12:16 AM in Anger, Betrayal, Loyalty/Betrayal, Rejection, Resentment, Self-rejection, Workplace | Permalink | Comments (6)
Tags: Betrayal, Brian Williams, Food Network, George Zimmer, Loyalty, NBC, Neal Conan, Paula Deen, Portia Nelson, Rock Center, Romany Malco, The Men's Wearhouse, Tijuana Jackson
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Something has been bugging me ever since I heard about Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer's plans to end telecommuting effective June.
Much has been written in the media about pros and cons of this new ban. And there is lots of available research on the issue. However, I want to focus on some points that have not much been addressed.
Those of you familiar with my writing and workshops know I see things through the lens of rejection, disappointment and taking things personally. So it's not surprising I see some distortion and lopsidedness to Mayer's reasoning. Nor is it surprising that my first response was: "Loyal staffers might see this policy switch as a betrayal!"
Mayer's new rule trounces on sensitive emotional territory: unfairness, disappointment, betrayal, distrust, and perhaps a presumption of laziness.
I have to say these happen to be my most sacred hot-button issues, guaranteed to get a gut response. Have you, too, had experiences with feelings like these?
Apparently this new ban will affect even the one or two days per week work-from-home arrangements. Even part-time work at home arrangements are not for everyone. And if it's not working out it will show up in that person's production figures.
"More Productive, Efficient and Fun"
The memo extols increasing productivity through face-to-face communication and collaboration:
"Yahoos,
Over the past few months, we have introduced a number of great benefits and tools to make us more productive, efficient and fun. . . . To become the absolute best place to work, communication and collaboration will be important, so we need to be working side-by-side. That is why it is critical that we are all present in our offices. Some of the best decisions and insights come from hallway and cafeteria discussions, meeting new people, and impromptu team meetings. Speed and quality are often sacrificed when we work from home. . . .Yahoo isn’t just about your day-to-day job, it is about the interactions and experiences that are only possible in our offices."
Idealistically this seems partially true. I agree that in-person meetings can generate exciting energy and creativity. However, in my consulting work with business clients I also hear story after story about the development of major people problems when interactions go awry.
More Unproductive, Stressed-out and Resentful?
What if those "exciting" face-to-face "impromptu team meetings" generate toxic energy? What if a participant has an 'attitude' that gets on your nerves, or displays one-upmanship, or takes credit for your ideas, or turns complaints into character assassinations? What if you feel offended, slighted and take this behavior personally?
Communication failures and people problems are the reason I'm called in to consult and train because taking things personally leads to decreased motivation, morale and productivity.
Dwelling on Perceived Slights
For example, when someone says something you perceive as offensive, it's easy to fill in the blanks with what you imagine they might mean. Back at your desk you may find yourself unable to concentrate because you're ruminating about your imaginings the rest of the day . . . or week.
Implementing Mayer's ideas of on-the-job interactions may decrease productivity rather than increasing it – especially if resentment begins to build.
Decreasing Flexibility and Increasing Stress
Mayer's directive involves more than the additional stresses of rearranging complicated juggling of home and office schedules. For many it involves tacking on an hour or two to the workday with the addition of exhausting commutes and searching for parking. These problems are the more obvious fallout. There's more.
There may be complicated emotional reactions too. Her dictum provides larger-than-life examples of loaded issues for many of us: unfairness, disappointment, betrayal, distrust, and the presumption of laziness.
How many Yahoo employees were tempted to take the job because of the possibility of a partial work-from-home arrangement? How many might now feel the rug is being pulled out from under them?
Are any of these feelings as loaded for you as they are for me? Am I the only one who cringes if someone insinuates I'm "lazy" – a word flung at me since early childhood.
Most of us have some of these experiences in our past. Each new one stockpiles, triggering reactions when something similar happens in the present.
The resulting emotional stress can be debilitating.
Why do work arrangements have to be all or nothing? What about limiting the number of days per week for working from home. What about making sure there is easy access to teleconferencing? What about adding a requirement for in-person attendance at important meetings?
I know how problematic and insidious workplace stress can be. I hear all kinds of stories from my clients, I've contributed to hundreds of articles about overcoming stress and I've worked with businesses to control poor morale and absenteeism by controlling stress and anxiety.
I'm at a loss to understand why Yahoo has made a decision that could make things more stressful for many employees. Why add to the problems of an already problem-ridden company?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
I'd very much like to hear your thoughts and ideas.
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne
Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To
find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching
and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
Posted at 01:12 AM in Anxiety, Disappointments, Rejection, Resentment, Stress, Workplace | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: betrayal, disappointment, lazy, Marissa Mayer, morale, rejection, resentment, telecommuting ban, trust, work from home, workplace stress, Yahoo
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Sometimes we make someone 'bad' or 'wrong' – just because they have a different point of view or way of doing things. We don't see eye to eye and before we know it, we're taking these differences personally.
What would it take for you to appreciate, honor and respect someone else's needs and ideas? What would it take to welcome these differences – instead of feeling threatened by them?
Allowing the space for expression of different ideas is key to successful work and personal relationships.
Too often differences in style lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentments, bitterness, and distancing. Feelings flare up with lightning speed, damaging closeness and connection.
It helps to keep in mind that neither style is right or wrong – it just is. Because the other person is not like us, we begin to think the problem lies with them. You may find yourself thinking, "If only they would change, it would solve everything." Hmmmm. What if they think YOU should be the one to change to be more like them?
Those Pesky Trouble Spots
How many of these relationship trouble spots do you recognize?
– One person needs more privacy than the other.
– One person needs definition. The other does better being vague.
– One person wants predictability. The other is pretty unpredictable.
– One is comfortable expressing feelings. The other feels awkward and vulnerable.
– One is giving (of compliments, of time, of energy.) The other tends to withhold.
– One deals with anxiety by freezing and feeling stuck. The other deals with anxiety by mobilizing and taking charge.
– One shows caring by doing extra favors. The other misses the intent because it is too subtle.
– One goes to bed early most nights. The other is a night owl.
– One can give and receive apologies. The other struggles with this.
– Even differences in giving driving directions can be a source of irritation.
– And of course the biggest taking-it-personally trouble spot for couples centers around gift giving – and receiving. Mostly from expecting the other person to read your mind, which is a set-up for hurt feelings because of unrealistic expectations and disappointment.
Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China
It's not surprising we have different way of doing things. After all, we grew up in different families. Ways of doing things in each of our families are reflections of the generations that came before.
Style differences are influenced by our cultural upbringing. This includes family, generational and gender attitudes of course. But it also includes ethnicity, race, and nationality. Even the area of the country, the city and the neighborhood you grew up in.
Indeed, Grandma passes down more than just her china. She and Grandpa pass down lots of family ways of looking at life and relationships – attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, expectations, disappointments and messages of acceptance and rejection. Included here are attitudes toward secretiveness, openness, trust, and displays of affection. Maybe even giving driving directions!
How often have you heard: "This is how we've always done it in my family?" Which translates to "My way is better than your way."
Wow. So much to keep in mind when interacting in personal or workplace situations!
It's OK to Be Different!
Lucky you if you were encouraged to be our own person when you were growing up. Lucky you if your individuality was appreciated. But for some of us, family members felt uncomfortable with our nonconfomity.' They needed us to be like them – and we were criticized or even punished for attempting to be our own person.
If we didn't grow up feeling accepted, it's sometimes difficult to be accepting of others. Try to remind yourself just because someone acts, thinks or feels differently than you, it does not have to be threatening. And you don't have to take it personally.
I'd love to hear your ideas on this topic. What ideas above are familiar to you? How have you handled these situations?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
Posted at 06:00 AM in Abuse, Acceptance/Self-Acceptance, Communication, Couples, Disappointments, Family, Gift -giving, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment, Style Differences, Workplace | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: expectations and disappointments, family, gender, generational, gift giving, hurt feelings, rejection, Soroptimists International, style differences, taking personally
by Elayne Savage, PhD
(Actually I was just about to post on another topic, but I want to offer you this piece about rage in light of the Sandy Hook Elementary School killings in Connecticut. I guess it's a way for me to try to make some sense out of the senselessness that has been so disturbing.)
Taking something personally – feeling rejected, wronged, slighted, or intruded on – can evoke rage.
Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past which intrude into the present situation. Rage is 'anger with a history.'
A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past.
Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. And once expelled, it contaminates our surroundings.
It Starts with Feeling 'Dissed'
Here's how it unfolds: It starts with feeling 'dissed' in some way: disrespected, disdained, dismissed, discarded, discredited, disregarded, dishonored, or disenfranchised. Often, it feels like someone is invading your personal space.
Before we know it we're taking something personally. An out-of-control response gets triggered, and we find ourselves having runaway reactions to present day situations.
When we're feeling vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we tend to protect yourselves by taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and even engage in aggressive behaviors. We act out our rage on the offending person who doesn’t have a clue that we are most likely retaliating against all the bullies from our childhood.
We become outraged, then enraged. One minute feeling like a victim. The next, becoming victimizer. Wanting to get back at the person who is doing the victimizing.
Trading Roles
In Don't Take It Personally! I use the Karpman Drama Triangle to describe how we trade roles in personal and professional relationships, giving examples of feeling resentful or victimized, of pushy or bullying attitudes, and of caretaking or rescuing behaviors. Sometimes we may find ourselves switching from role to role from one moment to the next.
The three points of the Drama Triangle are represented by the roles of Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The roles are interchangeable, with each person playing one of them at one time or another, and seeing other people in them at one time or another. Sometimes a person may switch from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer in a flash, other times it’s a slower process.
And how easy it is to feel like a “victim” when we take things personally!
Holding Grudges
Just as rage is toxic to relationships, holding grudges is especially eroding. This kind of resentment takes up so much space in personal or work relationships that there is no longer room for connection.
Before we know it, we’re feeling out of control and behaving badly. How can this be happening? How can we be behaving so outrageously?
But, then again, our behavior may merely be a reflection of the outrageous times in which we live.
Newtown families are in my thoughts and in my broken heart.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Adapted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne
Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To
find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching
and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
Posted at 05:09 PM in Anger, Rage, Rejection, Resentment | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: anger, Connecticut, dissing, Don't Take It Personally!, Karpman Drama Triangle, Newtown, rage, Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, taking personally
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Want more information about communication? You can read an expanded version of this blog in PsychologyToday.com //www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201203/get-back-track-when-conversations-get-derailed
Isn't it amazing how easily relationships can get off track when we misunderstand someone's words or intent, assume negative thoughts and take it personally?
Someone feels disrespected or discounted or dismissed based on what the other person says or does. Or doesn't say or do.
And it gets more complicated when we consider how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other person's behavior.
When you're feeling snubbed, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose you'll react the next time you see that person?
Might you find yourself avoiding that person's eyes in your next interaction? What if your hurt shows on your face or body language? Might they may interpret it as judgement or disdain? Or think you have an 'attitude?'
Playing 'Fill in the Blanks'
Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They'll try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. They may start thinking something like:
- "Did I just say something stupid?"
- "Maybe you don't want to work on this project with me."
- "Maybe you really don't like me."
If they begin dwelling on thoughts like these they may close off from you, feeling the need to protect themselves. And how will you respond to them?
It sure can get awkward, can't it?
Talk About Vicious Circles!
Before you know it, there is an exchange of behaviors that rapidly
gets out of control. Here's an example from 'Breathing Room:'
"#1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and on it goes, with no beginning and no end.
"In other words, #1 doesn’t do it to #2. #2 doesn’t do it to #1. They do it with each other. Each partner’s behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior."
You can change any personal or work relationship. All it takes is for one person to change. And because relationships are relational, one change affects another. When the relationship changes, it can lead to more individual change. And on and on.
Checking Things Out
Runaway reciprocal behaviors can get off track pretty fast. By checking things out with the other person, you stop the runaway behaviors from further damaging the relationship.
Clarifying someone's meaning can be scary sometimes, but look at all the energy you can save by not building anger or resentment.
Here is a simple way to check things out:
"This is what I heard you say ______________.
Is it what you said?
Is it what you meant?"
Can you see how this could give permission for the other person to say, "It's not what I meant to say," or "I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
Let’s look at how relationship interactions can so easily get off track.
Understanding Sequence and Reciprocity
Understanding how sequence and reciprocity affect personal and work relationships dynamics will help you navigate potentially energy-draining negative conversations.
Sequence in this context refers to both positive and problematic behaviors in the relationship – identifying what behavior comes before and what behavior follows. And what comes before that? And before that? What behavior comes after? Soon a pattern of interaction emerges.
Related to sequence is reciprocity – the effect of behavior on future behaviors – how one response begets another. In other words, every action is also a reaction, creating a circular rather than linear process of relating.
Thinking in terms of reciprocity lets you take a good look at how both of you participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.
In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you.
Really, Really Awkward
Let's go back to our early example where your relationship was starting to feel awkward. What can you do to get things back on track?
By identifying and addressing the awkwardness you can create an entree back into a respectful relationship.
Yes, it's a difficult conversation to have – but here's an idea for a start:
"I've noticed that it feels awkward between us lately.
I wonder if it has felt the same for you?
I'd really like our relationship to get back on track.
Can we talk about how we can make this happen?"
I'd love to hear your experiences with communication misfires. Were you able
to get them back on track? [email protected]
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month, Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
//www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
//tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
//tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication and relationship coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
//www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
Posted at 03:46 PM in Anger, Communication, Rejection, Resentment | Permalink | Comments (2)
Tags: 'filling in the blanks', communication, miscommunication, misunderstanding, negative thoughts, reciprocity, rejection, taking personally
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I do relationship maintenance - for couples and in the workplace. Enhancing what is working, repairing what falters, and hoping everyone involved has basically the same agenda.
Listening to Obama's State of the Union address, two aspects jumped out for me.
The first was Congress' public show of good will following the tragedy in Tucson where six died and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was critically wounded. Many Democrats and Republicans were sitting together for the first time in 100 years. The idea grew when a couple of members of Congress started talking to each other. A great example of the value of direct communication!
The second stand out for me was how President Obama's address was chock-full of relationship-building words and phrases.
A show of cooperation and civility
Watching this show of cooperation I had some conflicting thoughts: What a great idea to attempt to move past the acrimony of recent years. However, I wish I could trust the effort more. I just couldn't help feeling this show of civility for some participants was exactly that - a public show.
More than just a show in public
The hard work of relationships is more than just a show in public.
I'm reminded of couples who fake a great show of affection and cooperation during family gatherings and social events. Then, in private they then go back to sniping at each other. Their interactions are filled with bitterness and indifference. This is also true of co-workers who pretend respect in public, yet backstab at the first opportunity.
Building Relationships 101
I was fascinated with how Obama's address is laden with step-by-step advice on how to build relationships. Many of the ideas he put forth could have come straight out of the pages of my book 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple,' a primer on relationship-building. Do you think this choice of phrases could have been purposeful?
Here are a few of the relationship-building words and phrases I found in the State of the Union address:
Obama spoke of our differences: differences in policy, different opinions, and different backgrounds. Would you agree these are similar to problems many of us have to overcome in work and personal relationships?
He reminds us how we face new threats and new challenges. And how relationships take investment and hard work.
He speaks of the need for teamwork - a new era of cooperation. Working together to make things happen, Using new skills and new ideas.
He reminds us that we have a choice.
He says it is never about standing pat. It requires sacrifice and struggle. It means treating people with respect.
He emphasizes the need for building and rebuilding. For repairing crumbling roads and building bridges. For reducing barriers that stand in the way of growth and success.
He suggests forging a principled compromise that gets the job done.
My favorite idea in the speech is really good relationship advice: "Instead of re-fighting battles, let's fix what needs fixing and move forward."
The disintegration of relationships
I recently saw the film Blue Valentine, a powerful, painfully honest story of the disintegration of a relationship.
We are not let in on what happens between the flashbacks of courting and the unraveling marriage in the present. It doesn't appear there were major traumas in the early years of the marriage. No obvious betrayals or breeches of trust. It was more like the disappointments and rejections that occur over and over in many relationships: miscommunications leading to anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment. And before the couple knows it, the infrastructure begins to crumble.
It seems to me that miscommunications, anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment are exactly what we have been witnessing between members of Congress and between the branches of government. I sure hope the good will displayed during the speech finds a way to continue to flourish.
Restoring respect
In my work with couples and my consultations in the workplace my goal for clients is regaining mutual respect. By clearing out built up resentment. THEN there is the space to reconnect with respect.
Restoring respect Inside the Beltway might just work wonders for a more efficient government.
And if you have a hankering to read more about relationships here are an array of blog links from the archives:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/03/relationship-spring-cleaning.html
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/05/relationship-lessons-from-yosemite.html
And from my website:
http://queenofrejection.com/article3.htm
© Elayne Savage, PhD
And I'd love to hear your ideas on this subject - you can post in the comment section below . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
Posted at 09:57 AM in Communication, Couples, Disappointments, Politics, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: 2011 State of the Union Address, communication, Congress, disrespect, Gabrielle Giffords, Obama, rejection, relationship advice, relationship teamwork, relationships, respect, tragedy in Tucson, trust
By Elayne Savage, PhD
What better time than spring to clear out relationship clutter?
Why not toss things you've been stockpiling? You could chuck misunderstandings. Donate hurt feelings. And give anger and resentment the heave-ho.
Even small misunderstandings add up when they result in hurt feelings. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something.) The other person takes it personally. Feelings get hurt. Anger takes over. And that sneaky, insidious resentment starts creeping into every nook and cranny of your relationship. Soon you find it is taking up so much space there's no room for connection and respect.
Your relationship gets de-railed.
This is what happens between Allison and Terry. Allison finds herself getting upset whenever Terry comes home later than agreed upon.
Allison's anxiety builds. By the time Terry walks through the door, she blasts all of her stockpiled fury at him. Right between the eyes. Then she recites a litany of all the times he has been late in the past.
Finally she gathers the courage to talk with Terry directly, honestly and sincerely. She tells him how hurt and disrespected she feels each time he is late. She tells him how hurtful it is each time he breaks his promise to her. And he listens.
Allison gets Terry to understand how she is a worrier. How whenever he is late she thinks the worst. She is able to tell him clearly and directly that she needs him to make every effort to show up when he said he will. And if he is occasionally delayed, she needs him to call her before the agreed upon time, so she does not worry.
This isn't an easy talk to have. By putting words to her feelings Allison begins the process of clearing out of all that built up resentment. And she discovers enough space opens up where she and Terry can bring respect and positive energy back into their relationship.
Does resentment take up space in your relationships? How much time do you spend dwelling on hurt feelings and disappointments.
Clearing out resentment creates the space you need to renew respect for yourself and the people in your life. It helps you get back on track.
This goes for work relationships too. The hurdles are the same: Feeling rejected or fearing rejection. Feeling misunderstood. Feeling disappointed and not appreciated. Feeling invisible.
"But This is How We Do It in My Family . . ."
The key to productive relationships is mutual respect.
We all grew up in different families. We learned different styles of rules, beliefs and values. Perhaps you grew up in different cultures which includes gender, ethnicity, religion and even region of the country.
You don't have to let these differences of style create relationship problems.
Whenever you are having a discussion with your coworker, or boss or romantic partner, be aware there are more than two of you in the room. Each of your ancestors are there as well, putting in their two cents, clamoring for attention; "Our family way is the best way!"
Instead of feeling threatened by your differences, why not create the space to honor them? Why not make an effort to respect others "ways" even though they may not think or act the same as you?
Feeling accepted and respected by others is vital to productive work and personal relationships. But what if you don't feel this acceptance? When we don't feel respected, we feel rejected. And rejection hurts.
Rejection hurts
It hurts to feel criticized or slighted or condescended to. It's painful to feel dismissed or discounted or dispensable.
We tend to collect these hurts. We pile them into containers. They keep growing until they become resentments. And when a lover or friend or coworker says or does something that sets off the trigger, the container explodes. The moldy mess inside seeps over everything and everyone.
Getting Back on the 'Respect Track'
So how can you get your personal or professional relationship back on the respect track?
Here is where the notion of reciprocity comes in.
Reciprocity describes how one response leads to another as individual behavior affects the behavior in the relationship. This in turn affects the individual behavior of the folks interacting.
Here's an example from 'Breathing Room:'
". . . #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and on it goes, with no beginning and no end.
In other words, #1 doesn’t do it to #2. #2 doesn’t do it to #1. They do it with each other. Each partner’s behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior."
You can change any personal or work relationship. All it takes is for one person to change. Because relationships are relational one change affects another. When the relationship changes, it can lead to more individual change. And on and on.
Once both of you realize your differences are most likely differences of style, neither of you have to protect your space needs so fervently. This allows the room to connect in an open and honest way.
The Eyes Have It
Here's where the idea of reciprocity comes in. Long-time readers of this e-letter and workshop participants have heard me suggest this tip before. It's perfect for cleaning out resentment and bad feelings in work or personal relationships: Wouldn't you agree that when you feel put off by a partner or coworkers ways, you respond negatively?Kind of like a metaphorical rolling of the eyes or turning up of the nose?
So rather than continuing this negative interaction, why not attempt to change it?
Here's how: try to find something you can like and respect about the other person. Granted this isn't easy to do when so much negativity has built up. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Can you appreciate their smile, intelligence or sense of humor? What about their taste in clothes or colors? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with SOMETHING.
Once you identify a feature, try to focus in on this during your next interaction. Then try it a second and even a third.
When they see respect in your eyes they will probably respond to it. You'll be amazed at how quickly the situation can change for the better.
Don't be surprised if you notice respect coming right back at ya! And we all can use a little respect. It's good for the soul.
Until next time,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs, coaching and consulting services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Posted at 11:28 PM in Appreciation, Communication, Couples, Disappointments, Family, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment, Workplace | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: anger, communication, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, rejection, relationship spring cleaning, relationship styles, resentment, respect, style differences, taking personally
By Elayne Savage, PhD
On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in a gift?
Are you dropping lots of hints about what you yearn for?
Are you crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will read your mind?
"If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind . . ."
Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
hurt feelings, misunderstandings, disappointment, anger and resentment.
And resentment takes up so much relationship space, there's barely
room for connection and intimacy.
By keeping your expectations realistic, you'll reduce your chances of
disappointment. And because disappointment feels a lot like rejection,
it's all too easy to take it personally.
7 Tips: If You Are Part of a Couple
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, and communicate clearly what
you yearn for. And make sure your partner hears and understands
you.
-2 Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.
-3 Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift or card ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong thing.
-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Can you respect
each others 'ways' and not feel threatened by them?
–5 Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching Valentine's Day may be different from yours.
Try not to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.
–6 Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you, expressing your appreciation of your partner.
On the other hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines
Day doesn't seem like an 'afterthought.'
–7 AND if things don't go the way you had hoped, don’t take it personally.
Dwelling takes up way too much energy and relationship space. Make
room instead for connection and intimacy.
More Tips: If You Are Unattached
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!
-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.
-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.
-4 Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.
-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little
corner of the world.
-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.
-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.
Away From the Hype and More Toward the Heart
You can spread lots of light by embracing kindnesses and giving and mindfulness, and graciousness and compassion and gratitude and love.Not just toward others but for yourself as well. I'll bet it looks good on you.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYONE!
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs, coaching and consulting services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Posted at 10:00 PM in Communication, Disappointments, Gift -giving, Gratitude, Relationships, Resentment | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: compassion, disappointment, expectations, gift-giving, gratitude, love, resentment, taking personally, Valentine's Day
TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2009
Exploited! Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon By Elayne Savage, PhD
The Balloon Boy story is old news now . . . and you're probably as over-saturated with hearing about the runaway mylar balloon as I am. Yet, I just can't get the story out of my head.
I guess I'm taking it personally. Personal memories started running rampant whenI learned how six year Falcon and his brother were exploited by the parents.
The recent court affidavit states the mother admits the whole saga was a hoax. They knew all along that Falcon was hiding in the residence. The parents instructed their three children to lie to authorities as well as the media.
Exploitation has lots of facets: taking advantage of, using, manipulating, misleading, profiting from, coercing.
Taken Advantage Of at Work
The Balloon Boy saga reminds me of the many disturbing stories I hear as a workplace coach:
- When bosses take advantage of employees
- Or employees take advantage of bosses
- How someone takes credit for a coworker's idea
- Someone pushes work onto another member of the team
- When a manager or co-worker asks someone to 'cover' or even to 'cover up' for them
- Feeling like a 'doormat' because of someone's attitude
- Finding yourself on the receiving end of inappropriate comments or actions
- And you know there's lots more . . .
The bigger your overreaction to these types of actions, the greater the chances you've experienced some form of manipulative, coercive or exploitive behavior in the past.
Taken for Granted By Family or Friends
There are times we feel used by family or friends as well.
You might feel taken for granted when:
- Someone asks for favors, but rarely offers to reciprocate.
- A friend contacts you when they want something. Asking how you are doing seems like an afterthought.
- A relative borrows money but doesn't return it . . . and they don't return your messages either.
- Your friend is always 25 minutes late for a lunch date, and as the minutes tick by, you feel more and more unimportant. At least that's not quite as bad as your ex-friend who used to totally forget you had a date and not show up at all.
And again, most of us have much less patience for these behaviors when we have a history of experiencing them.
Resentment Builds, Trust Erodes and Future Relationships Suffer
It's hard not to take these things personally. Because they are so hurtful, they feel like injustices and rejections. And if these experiences repeat, resentment builds, trust erodes, and future relationships suffer.
So I've been figuring out why I got so upset by the Balloon Boy hoax. It brings up all the times I've felt taken advantage of. Often it was by people I trusted to protect me. Some of it started in childhood, but it impinges on present personal and professional situations.
I, too, was glued to the TV mesmerized by the mylar balloon floating over Colorado. I watched as the story of the six year old boy unfolded. I watched as we learned he was not only told to lie low.He was also told to tell a lie. As I watched him get tangled in the web of deception and exploitation, I was getting sick to my stomach.
No wonder the Balloon Boy vomited while telling his story on two television shows.
This kind of exploitation reminds me of my Child Protective Services days. As you can guess, we heard lots of horrible stories of abusive exploitation of children. One that got to me the most, however, was the mother who trained her four year old daughter to crawl under restaurant tables, remove billfolds from purses, and bring them back to mom's table.
Watching the Balloon Boy hoax I was getting pretty upset. The family perpetrated a hoax on the media. The media bit the bait and perpetrated a hoax on the rest of us. I felt swindled. Duped. Bamboozled.
Maybe I was getting upset remembering the how that little girl was coerced to steal billfolds. Maybe I began reliving my own growing up experiences with a stage mother mom who pushed me to perform. She was the one with long-time stage ambitions and visions of fame. It wasn't me. I just wanted to be a kid.
"Hit a Home Run for Me!"
This is a good example of vicarious parenting. It is a form of exploitation - coercion is often involved. The sad result is a rejection of the child's authentic identity.
In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:
"When parents try to live their lives vicariously through their children . . . some confusion about personal boundaries, they don’t know where they stop and where someone else begins. Vicariousness is often a form of coercion. Children often feel pushed beyond their comfortable limits, but are afraid to say “no” to a parent.
Vicarious parents encourage their children to meet their own unmet goal — vocationally, religiously, or romantically. Or they urge the children to live out their own unfulfilled dreams by being the “performer” the parents never quite became—in school, on the stage, on the playing field.
These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed. The children may lose their sense of self, trading “self” for service to the parents."
Sometimes parents or grandparents want to 'shine' in the eyes of other relatives, coworkers, or friends. They brag about a child's accomplishments to look good. One women told me that her dad bragged about her art talent to all the relatives. Yet never once did he tell her directly that he was proud of her work.
Bragging Rights
The following is a pretty subtle form of exploitation, but I hear stories about it all the time. The child is made to feel incompetent so the parent can feel more useful. This behavior sometimes continues into adulthood as well.
Again from 'Don't Take It Personally!':
“My mom seemed to be waiting for me to mess up so she could step in and rescue me,” remembers Georgia. “Sometimes she’d ask me to do chores around the house that were too difficult for me. Then she’d step in and show me ‘how to do it better . . . . and take over." Georgia did the same when she grew up, taking over for her husband, then chiding him for being 'helpless'". Hmmm. Wonder where she learned that!
I've mentioned before that 20 years ago I served on a National Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. Exploiting/Corrupting is one of the categories we defined:
"Encouraging child to develop self-destructive, antisocial, criminal, deviant, or other maladaptive behaviors (This includes micromanaging the child’s life, encouraging developmentally inappropriate drug-related or sexual behavior, or interfering with appropriate autonomy or cognitive development. It also includes using the child as a pawn in divorce proceedings.)"
And back to the Balloon Boy: Coercing the child to lie to protect the parents is surely a maladaptive behavior. And it has long term effects on our view of the world and the people in it.
Tips for When You Feel Taken Advantage Of
Here are some tips for dealing with an inequitable situation.
This happens to be a workplace example,but you can most likely
adjust it for a personal situation.
Step One: Describe the behavior in observable, non-blaming terms. "I've been noticing that I seem to be getting the more time-consuming jobs assigned to our team." (This frames the interaction from your own perception in a way that the other person feels less defensive and less likely to argue.)
Step Two: Describe how you felt about the action. "I get upset (hurt, angry, upset, confused) that it seems so uneven lately.
Step Three: Describe how you explained the action to yourself. For example, "When I get these complicated assignments, it does not feel fair." (Note: In certain appropriate personal situations you might want to add how the behavior re-creates old messages from childhood. "This is the same situation as when my older sister used to give me the jobs she didn't want to do." Use this step selectively only in situations where it feels safe. Probably not with most coworkers or bosses.)
Step Four: Describe how you would like the interaction to go next time. "In the future I need to know that assignments are being made equitably. This will do a lot to enhance everyone's productivity."
When have you felt taken advantage of? What do you remember about it? How it has affected your subsequent relationships or situations. I'd love to hear your experiences.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Posted at 10:46 PM in Abuse, Family, Personal Boundaries, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment, Workplace | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"
Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)
(Here's the list: faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood
It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:
"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"
Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?
2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS
Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.
Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.
And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.
Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you
You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.
No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.
So what to do about it?
In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works. Why
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'
The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.
In the Spirit of Teamwork
In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.
Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.
- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'?
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?
We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.
We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors. Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.
- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ?
For example, sharing household chores?
In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:
- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.
Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
Teamwork in personal and professional relationships
Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:
- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture
3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION
RESPECT is a key ingredient here.
By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.
By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.
APPRECIATION is important too.
Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.
Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication
Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at. Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.
Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.
PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:
- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
answer is always 'no.'
- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
something is.
- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.
Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.
I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.
4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK
Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.
What does sharing household chores mean?
Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:
1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.
Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.
Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility
Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.
Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore. But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."
Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"
Chore Rotation to the Rescue!
Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made? A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.
Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?
Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss
Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair. It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.
5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER
Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.
Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.
"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."
This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?
Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end. Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.
Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.
It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.
This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.
By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article: http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v
Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.
© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Posted at 12:09 AM in Appreciation, Communication, Couples, Family, Gratitude, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment, Teamwork | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: appreciation, cooperation, couples, disrespect, effective communication skills, negotiation, persuasion, rejection, relationship, respect, teamwork
TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
February, 2007
Welcome to the Valentine's Day edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'™
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
2. 7-Sure-Fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day -
Whether You're Attached or Unattached
3. Contacting Elayne
4. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.
If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
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1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Here comes Valentine's Day - almost guaranteed to be a set-up for
disappointment.
On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in
a gift? Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for? Are you
crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will read your
mind?
Are you disappointed once again? Do you take it personally?
Might you even feel rejected?
Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
anger and resentment.
Those resentments are the bane of relationships. And many of
you know, as the months and years go by, the resentment grows.
It takes up so much space in in your relationship. It doesn’t
leave much room for connection and intimacy.
How Did Valentine's Day Get to Be So 'Loaded?'
For many of us it goes back to grade school. I remember how
I used to spend many hours/days/weeks dreaming about getting
a special valentine from that special person who sat one row
over and two rows back. So cute and so clueless that I was
even interested.
I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine from him
appeared on my desk.
I remember those miserable years in grade school when I felt
so left out of the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize
about being one of ones who got the most valentines. I hardly
got any. Well, at least not the nearly as many as the popular
kids got.
The memory of those disappointments is still painful.
I used to pretend I didn't care. But truth be told, I was heart-broken.
Did I feel rejected. I sure did.
Did I take it personally? Well, of course, I told myself that
I didn't rate a valentine. Who was I to even think that cutie
one row over and two rows back would be EVER be interested
in me.
It seemed like each successive Valentine's Day became another
disappointment in an already too-long string of disappointments.
Before long, I was dreading the approach of Valentine's Day. I
hated all the yucky feelings it brought with it.
Protecting Schoolchildren from Valentine's Day Disasters
Maybe it's easier for many kids these days. Many school
districts have rules to try and stop Valentine's Day from
becoming popularity contests. If cards do make their way
into the classrooms there cannot be a 'special 'card to a
'special person.' Often the rule is that cards must be given
to every classmate.
Hopefully when these school children are adults, they won't
have the same expectation of disappointments that so many of
the rest of us have harbored.
Expecting Disappointment
After all those years of Valentines Disappointments, do I
continue to EXPECT to feel some sort of disappointment on
Valentine's Day. You bet.
I began to realize it's more than whether or not I happened
to have a honey that year when Valentine's Day rolled around.
It's really the disappointments, large and small, that put a
damper on the day.
Most of these disappointments come from
unrealistic expectations. The more unrealistic our hopes and
anticipations are, the harder they hit when
they fall to the ground.
Disappointments Feel a Lot Like Rejections
Disappointments feel like rejections. Disappointments
hurt. Disappointments leave a big empty space.
And the awful thing about it - we take these perceived
rejections personally. And this leads to self-rejection.
We become self-blaming, self-critical, self-deprecating.
At least temporarily, our self-respect goes into hiding.
Being a Couple Brings Along Its Own Set of Disappointments
Some folks expect that once they become a couple, they are
forever done with from those disappointing times. Being in a
relationship is no guarantee of a disappointment-free Valentine's Day.
In fact, there are lots of ways we get our hopes up, allow ourselves a
full-fledged expectation, and come away disappointed.
Maybe you are expecting a special card with a special sentiment
and the card says only: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Maybe you are craving your honey will suggest (AND make
reservations for) that new trendy restaurant that you've been
dying to go to. Not a word.
Maybe you have your heart set on that special new book or gift
from your favorite shop. Nope. Doesn't happen.
And then there is that Valentine's Day frenzy in the workplace.
All day the florist is dropping off gorgeous bouquets or
long-stemmed roses to your co-workers. You just know the next
delivery will be for you. No. Doesn't happen. How embarrassing.
Another disappointment.
One man I know tells this story. "I'm afraid to buy my
girlfriend a gift or even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so
anxious that I'll choose the wrong thing, that I just don't
even buy anything. Whoever I'm dating at
the time gets really upset with me. They get disappointed in me
and get really hurt. Then they break up with me."
Another example of how disappointments feel like rejections.
It's hard not to take them personally.
Clearly your subtle hints aren’t working. More obvious hints
aren’t working, either. However, saying what you yearn for
does work. Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's
Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out
to dinner with you. I'd like you to make the reservation."
You can make this Valentine’s Day a success by avoiding
misunderstandings and disappointments.
2. 7 sure-fire ways to a Successful Valentine’s Day
If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.
-2 Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.
-3 Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.
-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Respect each others
'ways.'
–5 Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.
–6 Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine’s Day doesn’t work
very well if it’s an “afterthought.”
–7 AND don’t take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.
If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!
-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.
-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.
-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.
-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.
-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.
-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little cornerof the world.
On a Personal Note
As for me, I'm older (much) and wiser (sort of) now. I'm at
long last growing past being stuck inside that perpetually
disappointed schoolgirl.
I'm very grateful for the experience of being in a
wonderfully loving relationship for the last three years.
A relationship that gives me the space to practice saying
what I want. I also get to practice keeping my
expectations realistic. It's like I woke up one day
and realized that I'm no longer expecting disappointment.
Now I expect to be loved and to love back.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where
and when the material will appear.
The attribution should read:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a workplace consultant,
professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author.
To find out more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Posted at 01:30 AM in Appreciation, Disappointments, Family, Rejection, Relationships, Resentment | Permalink | Comments (0)
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