By Elayne Savage, PhD
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Watching the Oval office meeting between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and President Trump and JD Vance was excruciatingly painful for me.
As I listened it became clear that JD Vance was baiting Zelenskyy in what felt to me like a pre-planned ambush, knowing that often-feisty Zelenskyy would react the way he did. As Trump’s voice rising and becoming increasingly provocative, I just wanted to throw up.
This Was More Than Anger This Felt Like Rage
The way I see it, rage is 'anger with a history.' A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past.
Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. And once expelled, it contaminates our surroundings.
So where did all this Oval Office rage come from?
Then I remembered Trump has probably been been angry ever since 2019 when he improperly pressured Ukrainian President Zelenskyy to dig up damaging information on Joe Biden prior to the 2020 election.
Trump was impeached by the House of Representatives for using powers to solicit foreign intervention in a US election. He was later acquitted by the Senate. https://search.app/FqCMpmsFH7LnuVnu9
As I watched the chaos building in the Oval Office, early memories came flooding back of all the times I was bullied by the neighborhood kids.
This bullying in the Oval Office was reminding me how devastating a bullying experience can be. How deeply it penetrates.
Even one bad experience, especially in childhood, can have a powerful effect on us for years to come.
When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories.
Bullying is the intentional use of power over another person – to humiliate that person or make them feel rejected and ‘less than.’
For most of us on the receiving end, bullying feels rejecting – insulting, disrespectful, and demeaning.
interview I give, I am transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C. when I was mortified in front of all the kids on the playground.
Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection
'One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited -- all the girls would see me walking with him! Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand. (Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to, he chose me to hold hands with.
I was in heaven. Then suddenly I felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off laughing.
bloody.
He had dug his fingernail into my cuticle.
It only took a split second for me to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides that, it really hurt.' A bit of PTSD for sure!
It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're treated by others.
If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable.
If we're treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.
When peer relationships are destructive, scars form – deep scars that are not easily healed. As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident didn't just evaporate.
It has affected my ability to trust others for many years to come. For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like me, I search my memory for what I might have done to cause him to treat me like that.
I'll bet that boy had no idea he would have such a profound influence on my future social development.
Here is a list of some common bully behaviors: Provoking Ambushing Berating Accusing Arrogance Insulting Coercive Discrediting Discounting Demeaning Slighting Belittling Mocking Criticizing Baiting Dismissing Diminishing Faulting Undermining Condescending Interrupting Shaming Smearing Spreading rumors Excluding Offending Scorning Contemptuous Name-calling Teasing Taunting Sarcasm Verbal battering Picking fights Taking cheap shots And of course, the ever-popular gaslighting one: of the “Can’t you take a joke” variety.
Can you add any others?
Here’s the Thing About Bullies
The bully is most likely not feeling very good about themself.
In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable. So to feel better about themselves they tend to puff themself up, taking a 'tough' stance and trying to diminish the other person.
(I was an full-fledged adult when I became aware of these probable feelings of inadequacy behind the bullying.
Understanding this made all the difference in the world to me – I didn’t feel so diminished.)
And many bullies seem not to have much of a conscience – they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.
The visceral discomfort I was feeling watching the Oval Office exchanges was most likely from my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, the constant interrupting of Zelenskyy.
And especially the undercurrent of what seemed to be festering anger.
Then I remembered how angry Donald Trump has been at Zelenskyy ever since he was impeached.
It felt like they were trying hard to make Zelenskyy grovel and I found this to be such inappropriate and disappointing behavior for a meeting between two presidents of their countries.
How could this be happening in the Oval Office of the President of the United States of America?
What happened to the dignity and decorum that used to reside there?
It Starts in the Sandbox
I wrote in Don't Take It Personally!: "It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt.
A lot of times it starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The picked-on child feels hurt and confused.
'Why me? What did I do? Do I just sit here and take it?
Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened?
Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'"
Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.
But bullying doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.
We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect – big-time rejection.
Bullied Much of My Life
You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces — an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.
One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to the Oval Office bullying was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears and tears of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me.
So one way I could feel I could get the upper hand on bullying, is to more or less become an expert on how rejection and bullying are so connected.
I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending.
I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.
After the show the cameraman actually came up to me and asked if I was OK. He tried to reassure me I did “just fine” in spite of the bullying.
I don’t get bullied so much anymore or at least I like to think the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful when even unintentional.
Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it personally and how it affects self-esteem.
a really informative piece on the front page of the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle.
It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link:
Different Degrees of Resilience
Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves: - Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice - Misunderstanding what someone says or means - Overreacting to perceived slights - Getting on each others nerves - Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally
Let’s face it; some of us from childhood are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.
The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.
It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed. This surely can have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about our safety and security in our world and our ability to trust the people in it.
Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries
Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have much of a clue about what respect for personal space and personal boundaries looks like.
If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?
In order to change a behavior we have to be able to recognize it first!
Can you step back enough to identify the behavior and make a choice to make a change?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/4fudKOy To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
'Tips from The Queenof Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. consultation services visit: Nanwww.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. for topics you'dlike to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Watching the Oval office meeting between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and President Trump and JD Vance was excruciatingly painful for me. As I listened it became clear that JD Vance was baiting Zelenskyy in what felt to me like a pre-planned ambush, knowing that often-feisty Zelenskyy would react the way he did. As Trump’s voice rising and becoming increasingly provocative, I just wanted to throw up. This Was More Than Anger. This Felt Like Rage The way I see it, rage is 'anger with a history.' A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past. Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. And once expelled, it contaminates our surroundings. So where did all this Oval Office rage come from? Then I remembered Trump has probably been been angry ever since 2019 when he improperly pressured Ukrainian President Zelenskyy to dig up damaging information on Joe Biden prior to the 2020 election. Trump was impeached by the House of Representatives for using powers to solicit foreign intervention in a US election. He was later acquitted by the Senate. https://search.app/FqCMpmsFH7LnuVnu9 As I watched the chaos building in the Oval Office, early memories came flooding back of all the times I was bullied by the neighborhood kids. This bullying in the Oval Office was reminding me how devastating a bullying experience can be. How deeply it penetrates. Even one bad experience, especially in childhood, can have a powerful effect on us for years to come. When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories. Bullying is the intentional use of power over another person – to humiliate that person or make them feel rejected and ‘less than.’ For most of us on the receiving end, bullying feels rejecting – insulting, disrespectful, and demeaning.
interview I give, I am transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C. when I was mortified in front of all the kids on the playground.
Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with
the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited -- all the girls would see me walking with him! Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand. (Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to, he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off laughing.
bloody. He had dug his fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides that, it really hurt. It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we're treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive, scars form – deep scars that are not easily healed. As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident didn't just evaporate. It has affected my ability to trust others for many years to come. For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like me, I search my memory for what I might have done to cause him to treat me like that. I'll bet that boy had no idea he would have such a profound influence on my future social development. Here is a list of some common bully behaviors: Provoking Ambushing Berating Accusing Arrogance Insulting Coercive Discrediting Discounting Demeaning Slighting Belittling Mocking Criticizing Baiting Dismissing Diminishing Faulting Undermining Condescending Interrupting Shaming Smearing Spreading rumors Excluding Offending Scorning Contemptuous Name-calling Teasing Taunting Sarcasm Verbal battering Picking fights Taking cheap shots And of course, the ever-popular gaslighting one: of the “Can’t you take a joke” variety. Can you add any others? Here’s the Thing About Bullies The bully is most likely not feeling very good about themself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable. So to feel better about themselves they tend to puff themself up, taking a 'tough' stance and trying to diminish the other person. (I was an full-fledged adult when I became aware of these probable feelings of inadequacy behind the bullying. Understanding this made all the difference in the world to me – I didn’t feel so diminished.) And many bullies seem not to have much of a conscience – they feel little or no guilt for hurting others. The visceral discomfort I was feeling watching the Oval Office exchanges was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, the constant interrupting of Zelenskyy. And especially the undercurrent of what seemed to be festering anger. Then I remembered how angry Donald Trump has been at Zelenskyy ever since he was impeached. It felt like they were trying hard to make Zelenskyy grovel and I found this to be such inappropriate and disappointing behavior for a meeting between two presidents of their countries. How could this be happening in the Oval Office of the President of the United States of America? What happened to the dignity and decorum that used to reside there? It Starts in the Sandbox I wrote in Don't Take It Personally!: "It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do? Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'" Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone. But bullying doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect – bigtime rejection. Bullied Much of My Life You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces — an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on. One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to the Oval Office bullying was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears and tears of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me. So one way I could feel I could get the upper hand on bullying, is to more or less become an expert on how rejection and bullying are so connected. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience. After the show the cameraman actually came up to me and asked if I was OK. He tried to reassure me I did “just fine” in spite of the bullying. I don’t get bullied so much anymore or at least I like to think the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful when even unintentional. Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it personally and how it affects self-esteem.
a really informative piece on the front page of the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle. It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link: Different Degrees of Resilience Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves: - Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice - Misunderstanding what someone says or means - Overreacting to perceived slights - Getting on each others nerves - Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally Let’s face it; some of from childhood are moresensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others. The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives. It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed. This surely can have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about our safety and security in our world and our ability to trust the people in it.
Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have much of a clue about what respect for personal space and personal boundaries looks like. If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others? In order to change a behavior we have to be able to recognize it first! Can you step back enough to identify the behavior and make a choice to make a change? © Elayne Savage, PhD Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/4fudKOy To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
'Tips from The Queenof Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. consultation services visit: Nanwww.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. for topics you'dlike to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
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