Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Let's Talk About Resilience

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

In his recent State of the Union address President Biden described America as: “Turning setback into comeback.”

 

What a great way to describe our resilience as a country!

 

Have you happened to notice how the idea of resilience is getting lots of attention these days?

 

I’ve been intrigued with the concept of Resilience for decades. In fact, in the 80’s I actually wanted to focus my doctoral research on resilience, but it would have required a longitudinal study. And after a total of 11 years in in Masters and PhD programs while working full time, I was ready to be done, done, done. 



 

Turns out when I researched perceived childhood rejection and adult intimacy, I found that experiences of rejection alone did not necessarily lower a person’s capacity for intimacy.

 

The mediating factor appears to be whether negative belief systems, behaviors, or personality dispositions developed because of the individual’s experiences of rejection by parents. 

 

Why were some children able to grow into adulthood without developing these negative patterns? 

 

Most likely it’s because of their resilience.

 

By the way, both Don’t Take it Personally – the Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room grew out of my research and dissertation!

 

From Don’t Take It Personally!

“Some children learn to cope with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat . . .They are often called the “resilient ones,” the “survivors,” “the transcenders.”

 

They find strengths deep within themselves that enable them to stay intact as they move through the difficulties of life. (Many) have been able to develop small pieces of strengths here and there. 

 

The challenge has been to recognize the strengths and weave them together—reinforcing them. Yes, it’s true that sometimes it seems we don’t have much to work with, but that’s where counseling can help out—by identifying and solidifying strengths ….

 

Why do some children seem to have this buoyancy, this natural knack for coping with the trauma in their lives more successfully than other children? 

 

What makes them different than those who are more damaged by the winds of life’s experiences? Somehow they’ve learned a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows. 

 

Experts speculate that resilient children have a different view of the world than other children, and therefore, they have different responses to life situations. 

- They operate out of empowerment rather than impotence. 

- They develop self-regard rather than self-degradation. 

- Their approach to life is reflective rather than impulsive. 

- They can step back from a situation, be objective, and keep their perspective. 

 

When positive experiences are lacking inside the family, they have been able to reach outside the family for what they need. These children have most likely been inspired by at least one person in their life, such as a relative, teacher, or neighbor, who provided the modeling, nurturing.

 

Lillian Rubin, author of The Transcendent Child, refers to (these) children …. “as trusting and open enough to recognize opportunities and accept a hand when it is offered. 

 

These children found an “interest or activity —books, music, art, sports — that took them out of the family and into another world....” They had “the ability to attract others who ... become the mentors and surrogates who light the way and fill the gaps left by the past ... who can help fill the empty spaces inside. 

 

These transcendent children lived at the periphery of family life, either because they were abused or because they didn’t fit. As one person said, “I felt like a dog in a cat family.” 

 

They were able to distance themselves, disidentify, and “grasp alternatives when they came into view. 

 

They were able to stop knocking on a door that was closed to them, to recognize that members of their family were not able to give them what they needed.” 

 

And as I remind my therapy and workplace clients, their resilience helps them figure out they can walk down the hallway or down the street or across town and find another door to knock on. This could be a neighbor, another relative, a teacher, a mentor.

 

I value the in-person and phone conversations I had with Lillian Rubin as I came to understand her perspective on the ‘Transcendent Child’ and I was even able to recognize myself a little bit!

 

Psychologist/Anthropologist Ronald Rohner has studied acceptance and rejection world-wide and he was an early mentor as I struggled to navigate my dissertation. 

In Dr. Rohner’s academic book on rejection and he sees resilience as having three components:

• a sense of self

• a sense of self-determination

• the capacity to not take things personally

 

As soon as I read #3 “the capacity to not take things personally,” I was intrigued and immediately knew how, from that moment on, this is where I would be focusing my therapy, coaching, workshops and keynotes! 

 

My Experience with Harper Lee and Scout

Looking back I can see a glimmer of my early resilience a few years earlier.

 

In the early 60’s in college, I just loved reading To Kill a Mockingbird and became absolutely intrigued by Scout’s spunk. 

 

I wanted to learn to be courageous just like Scout.  

 

My senior year of college at Bama, I was Business Manager of the Mahout, the humor magazine and was in charge of planning the Board of Publications banquet. 

 

Nelle Harper Lee had been editor of the Humor Magazine many years earlier and my colleagues dared me to invite her to keynote the banquet.

 

Guess what . . .her phone number was actually listed and before I could change my mind the operator was connecting me!  

 

I can still see myself in the Mahout office, the phone in my shaking hand. My colleagues hovering over me, listening to every word.

 

Of course she respectfully and regretfully declined the invitation. I would not have wanted to drive 140 miles either.

 

Yet what a thrill it was to speak with her! And how proud I was of myself for making that call! 

This act of courage on my part opened the way to some much-needed self-acceptance. I would no longer think of myself as the timid kid, always believing “I can’t.” 

That moment was my first realization that “yes I can!” 



 

Scout’s Amazing Spunk

 


The image of that day is forever etched. And whenever I need a big dose of encouragement, I can pull it up again in my mind . . . and feel the flush of bravery I had felt that day.  

I think what actually happened is I borrowed some of Scout’s spunk.

In my most challenging moments thinking back to that phone call to Harper Lee gives me renewed courage. It helps me be ‘out there in the world.’ 

 

Here is the original Harper Lee/Scout blog:

A Life-Changing Phone Call to Harper Lee

 

Can you think of an experience in your own life that stands out as a beacon of light for approaching future courageous situations?



 

The Many Flavors of “Spunk”



So I often thing about the many flavors of “spunk.” 
Here a few of the spunk-like terms that especially resonate for me: 

perseverance 
determination
bravery
courage
fearlessness
tenacity
feistiness

Each of these has slightly different colorations, yet it seems to me that they are each aspects of resilience.

 

Can you think of some other descriptions that relate to your own experiences? Do you, too, have stories to tell? 

 

Resilience in Siblings Might Be Different Flavors

By the way, the amount and form of resilience is often different with siblings. This is especially true when there is a several year age difference. 

 

The day-to-day living situation in the family may have changed – in areas of economic or physical or emotional health or the use of alcohol or drugs. So sometimes the family the older child grew up in is not exactly the same as the family the younger child experiences.

 

I coach many adult estranged sibs toward respectfully rebuilding/repairing relationships and I see this difference in resilience often.

 

More from Don’t Take It Personally! 

Here are a few highlights on resilience from Don’t Take It Personally! describing how resilient people have the ability to stay intact as they navigate the difficulties of life:

• stepping back from a situation, being objective, and keeping perspective

• developing a buoyancy, a natural knack for coping with trauma in life

• operating out of empowerment rather than impotence
• developing self-regard rather than self-degradation 

• approaching life reflectively rather than impulsively

• coping with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat 

• learning a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows

 

I guess you could say I not only learned about spunk from Scout — I also learned how to recognize and appreciate resilience in myself! 

 

Hmmm. I wonder what more I might learn from Scout if I were to re-read her story now.

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne:
  I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Wearing Victimhood As a Badge of Honor

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

 

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

 

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

 

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

 

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

 

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

 

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

 

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

 

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"


Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

 

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  


 

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  


 

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  


 

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 


These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

 

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

 

Taking  Bullying Personally

 

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

 

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

 

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

 

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

 

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

 

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

 

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

 

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

 

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

 

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

 

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

 

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

 

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

 

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

 

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

 

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

 

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

 

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

 

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Post-Roe: What’s Going to Happen to the Children?

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                 © Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

So many unknowns!

With the safeguards and dignity of Roe being repealed, how many ways will this affect women’s lives and the lives of partners and families?

What will the far-reaching effects be on reproductive health care for everyone?

 • There is concern by medical practitioners about being unable to access medications used for treating ectopic pregnancies and for miscarriage management.

• There has already been denial of treatment for miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and severe pregnancy complications

 

• There is concern about accessing contraceptives.

A hospital in Missouri stopped providing Plan B and other emergency contraceptives. Then they realized they over-reacted and changed their mind.

• There is concern by those families trying to conceive using in vitro fertilization. They fear this ruling will complicate or even limit the procedures.

• This piece by Vox covers a range of concerns about possible changes in the way of life of many in America.

• From Forbes: Overturning Roe V. Wade: Here’s How It’ll Impact Reproductive Healthcare — Beyond Abortion

• From Time Magazine: The Devastating Implications of Overturning Roe Will Go Far Beyond Abortion Patients

• Experts even warn we can expect increased scrutiny and potential criminalization over pregnancy loss. And some fear there will even be a copy-catting of Oklahoma where recently a 19-year-old was arrested after a miscarriage, charged with manslaughter and sentenced to four years in prison. There was a miscarriage manslaughter indictment for an Alabama woman as well .

 

Remembering The Dangerous and Deadly Pre-Roe Years

I clearly remember the pre-Roe years and how scary and dangerous and deadly it was for pregnant women to seek abortion.

AND I have other memories as well: witnessing how dangerous life often was for the children born — unwanted, unloved and uncared for.

I don’t hear many people talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants after birth when parents feel they are unable to competently cope with unintended pregnancies and there had been little or no right to choose bringing a child into the world.

Maybe the parent wanted to finish school and get a job so they can support their new family.

Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Maybe they were raped or sexually assaulted by a family friend or family member.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

 
I know first-hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade.

I guess I saw just about every type of trauma – rejection, neglect, every possible type of abuse, exploitation and abandonment – you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents neglecting, mistreating or abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they were resented and rejected from birth.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

 

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care? Or the child who lives with emotional/physical/sexual abuse or rage, leading to fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

In the over two decades I was a CPS Social Worker I observed so many instances where parents were incapable of being responsible to the well-being of their children.

Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

It wasn’t surprising to learn that many of these parents had experienced these same behaviors and negative messages from their caretakers when they were young children themselves.

Sometimes they were lucky to have a grandma or great grandma or auntie to model care-taking and caring. But too often not.

I’ll never forget the times I watched a young teen mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging them along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

I knew about young children hurting or burning themselves when they were left unattended for several hours.

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or they were wearing unwashed clothes.

I remember one woman teaching her young daughter to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

One particular memory haunts me the most: One day I showed up for a scheduled appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog two miles to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She decided she didn't want the responsibility of this pet any longer.

She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them.

Thinking about that day decades ago still makes me want to cry.

 

                                © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is defined as "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

The list of possible long-term effects of abuse and neglect is pretty much endless:  there are hundreds of facets and sub-facets of challenges with self-esteem and low self-confidence, fear, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, self-rejection, self-sabotage, taking things too personally and ability to trust in work and personal relationships.

It was my work in CPS that led me to realized the overlay of all abuse and neglect is rejection – and how fear of rejection continues throughout their lives and how trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.”

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. There are 16 categories. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 48 in some states!

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

Too often I knew about tweens and teens who became desperate to escape the abuse or neglect at home. So they became runaways and lived on the streets. Sometimes they were trafficked. Often the young girls became pregnant.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about their unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation.

 

Sometimes the only way to be sure we were protecting a child was by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable, willing relative, placing the child in foster care.

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm or sometimes an appropriate recovery program.

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

When caretakers could not provide a safe environment for their children, the children were often placed in foster care homes and eventually long-term foster care.

 

When I was a Long-term Placement Social Worker and was visiting residential facilities, sometimes I came across some of the same children I had removed years before!

 

Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because it still wasn't safe for them to return home.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: Now with safe abortion being repealed as an option what’s going to happen to the children?

When mothers, who for their own good reasons do not want to bring a child into this world at this time, are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments, with appropriate health care and sufficient nutrition?

How can we be sure these babies will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

And then there is the resentment that  grows and grows. Back in the pre-Roe days when delivering a baby was the only allowable choice, there may not have been obvious neglect or abuse of unwanted children, however there was often resentment permeating lives of families I knew.

I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. Or when the birth of that child interfered with educational or professional dreams.

And too often I saw the stresses of expecting a new baby leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra emotional and financial pressure on family members.

And the present system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be removed from the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

When Adoption is Accompanied By Overwhelming Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment

Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice. 

And there certainly would be a bunch of money to be made for folks in the adoption business.

Sometimes I even find myself wondering if adoption might be a 'follow the money' reason for some people to encourage births of unplanned for and unwanted children.

Have you heard how some state legislators are trying to limit abortion from the moment of conception?  And by the way, considering banning most or all forms of contraception?

Would this mean more full-term pregnancies and more babies available for adoption?

Let's try to be aware that there are many emotional considerations regarding adoption. Considerations which would need to be carefully considered in each situation.

For example, the feelings Andrea Ross expresses so well in Huff Post:  'I Was Adopted Before Roe v. Wade. I Wish My Mother Had Been Given A Choice' 

She points out:  "Psychology research shows that women who relinquish their children frequently exhibit signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. And children who have been relinquished frequently develop relinquishment trauma ― a kind of trauma that 'changes an individual’s brain chemistry and functioning ... and can elevate adrenaline and cortisol and lower serotonin resulting in adoptees feeling hypervigilant, anxious, and depressed.' "

Because my work as a therapist focuses on perceived experiences of rejection, I have heard hundreds of stories over the decades from teen and adult clients who, although they love their adoptive parents, have struggled mightily with feeling abandoned by their birth parent(s).

And stories from the other side too: The lasting guilt often felt at giving up a child.

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

First-hand stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate and dangerous times before Roe. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were intentionally falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using coat hangers to try to induce an abortion.

Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but most of us are aware there were way too many botched back-alley needless deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again as more and more states are in the process of deciding we have to go backwards to that dark place.

On a personal level I feel that with the Supreme Court ruling my sense of privacy and security have been tampered with.

That my personal freedom has been violated.

And that, as a woman, I don’t count as a human being on this planet.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

One more important thought: Clearly lots children who are traumatized develop the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

However, studies show :

– The pain of having experienced parental rejection during childhood frequently extends into adulthood;

– Those who suffered parental rejection in childhood tend to develop difficulties forming trusting relationships in adulthood;

– Neurological studies suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain as does physical pain.

Studies also show a connection between childhood rejection, abuse and neglect and juvenile or adult incarceration.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection, a type of shame – affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

Several years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was based on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally.

This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

My book ‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several of the men one by one came up after class and confided:

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

So my question is: with these recent moves in many states to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly down the road even be charged with a criminal offense themselves?

Some of you may recognize parts of this blog from one I wrote a few years ago. With the recent repeal of Roe I really needed to express these concerns again.     

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Are Poor Personal Boundaries the Culprit for Sexual Misconduct?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I blogged recently about the huge role boundary crossings and violations play in sexual harassment: Imbalance of Power and Authority Exists Everywhere

Then I realized how much more there is to say about personal boundaries and I’ve been giving lots of thought to it ever since . . . .

For over 30 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate touching or teasing or flirting lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct or assault.

Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.

This disrespect often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person on the receiving end. For decades I’ve worked with clients who have experienced trauma from abuse and I’ve seen many long-buried memories and emotions come to the surface months or years later. The #MeToo responses are good examples of this.

The US Congress as well as the State of California have announced plans to provide training in sexual harassment. That’s great to hear, however I know from decades of experience that a prerequisite to harassment training has to focus on personal boundaries: Understanding what boundaries are and how they are are crossed or violated.

I strongly believe that all the sexual harassment training in the world will fall on deaf ears unless it is preceded by basic training in respect for personal boundaries.

So I have been speaking with representatives of several Congressional and State of California offices. They are interested in my ideas and have requested my input.

I provided them with what I think is a great example of confusion about appropriate personal boundaries and how poor boundaries can look like sexual harassment whether the words or actions are intended to be predatory. My example is Sen. Al Franken. Did he intend to embarrass? Did he intend to harm? Only Sen. Franken knows what led to the boundary crossings and misconduct leading his accusers to describe how his actions affected them. I’m not sure if Sen. Franken really knows what his boundary confusion was all about, but I have some guesses.

By it’s nature humor is boundary-less and Sen. Franken for many years was a stand-up comic and comedy writer for SNL. The many comics I’ve known are most successful when they don’t honor personal boundaries in their routines. It’s pretty difficult to exercise good personal boundaries when you are poking fun of everyone and everything.

I’m in no way excusing inappropriate behavior, however it often helps to understand where it comes from so it can be recognized and stopped.

A few of my stand up acquaintances have fairly good boundaries in their private lives –– but many do not. Maybe, like many of us, they didn’t have good models of boundaries growing up.

I hear lots of stories (and can tell my own) of growing up in families where respect for boundaries and personal space was pretty flimsy. People entered private spaces without knocking or expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.

Certain rules and ways of doing things in the family may have seemed ultra-strict and inflexible, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.

Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas. 


Growing Up Boundary-less

When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.

I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.

Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family. Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning.

For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.

Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.

Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.

 

Personal Boundaries 101

I have blogged several times over the years about personal boundaries. Here are some high points:

Personal boundaries are about respecting space: physical, mental and emotional. 

Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.

 Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy.

The following list of types of personal boundaries is based on the writings of John and Linda Friel:



Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.



Intellectual boundaries mean respect for ideas or thoughts for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it.” 



Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.



Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

There are also Money Boundaries, Time Boundaries and Social Boundaries.



I would add to this list: 
Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.


More about Disrespecting Personal Boundaries and Ideas for Navigating Through Boundary Confusion and How to Say ’NO”

Some of the boundary-less descriptors we’ve been hearing lately go something like this:

“inappropriate”
“hurtful”
“out of bounds”
“out of control”
“over-the-top”
“excessive”
“overstepping”
“transgressing”
“compromising integrity”
“violating”
“the line of propriety gets crossed”
“in-your-face-behavior”

Have you noticed how all of these can be perceived as disrespectful and rejecting behaviors?
Can you think of other descriptive terms to include here?

Each person comes to develop his or her own concept of the meaning of personal boundaries:

“I have a right to have the integrity of skin around me,” one woman declared in the process of our work together.

Another client realized, “I know I have boundaries when I notice that the other person’s boundaries are mushy.”

An important point that’s emerging from the #MeToo dialogue is respecting your own comfort zone and making the choice to say “NO” loud and clear and that “No” is a complete sentence! “Yes” and “No” define who we are in the moment and are great boundary setters.

So let’s not just give lip service to offering only training in sexual harassment which is just part of the whole picture. Let’s make training effective and worth while by offering the important prerequisite of the importance of personal boundaries.

Maya Angelou says it really well, “When we know better, we do better.”

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

The Back Story:

For months I’ve had a this recurring visual image prancing around my head – Donald Trump standing in his crib in diapers, smearing the walls with poop, making a big mess.

So I asked Barbara Dale, one of my favorite cartoonists, to illustrate my visual idea for this blog. It has been lots of fun collaborating with her . . .

 

I

llustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.

Poop smearing is great fun for toddlers but hugely exasperating for parents cleaning up the mess. Think of the supplies of Lysol, Clorox Wipes and Mr. Clean Erasers they have to stock up on.

To the parents this behavior represents disarray, chaos, impulsiveness, unruliness and willfulness and, yes, parents tend to take it personally.

Child development experts advise poop smearing is pretty normal and may be a way of expressing feelings of frustration and anger and counteracting helplessness and powerlessness. And for sure it gets attention when the parents freak out.

On the positive side this fascination with poop might indicate a readiness for potty training and thankfully by the age of 3 or 4 they outgrow the need to smear.

 

Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction

Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.

Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.

Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”

Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.

Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.

Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control-non-stop lying.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying

Fraiberg also makes the point that the child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. 

 

Residing in the Center of Your Universe

 As adults we may also find ourselves in the center of our universe, especially when we are taking something personally –– seeing ourselves as the target of slights or personal attacks.

For some, residing in the center of their universe can involve entitlement, specialness, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, a craving for attention and adoration, the inability to empathize, and having a bloated sense of self-worth. Are you recognizing all this as traits being written lately describing narcissism?

Trouble is, for many, being in the center of the universe usually includes having a false sense of self-worth. In fact, they have a need to puff themselves up because under all the self-hype they’re really feeling full of self-doubt and self-rejection with a tendency toward self-destructing by repeated self-sabotage.

When self-esteem is this low it is too humiliating and shameful to admit we made a mistake or were wrong. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions we tend to smear the bad feelings around by blaming others or by projecting our dark thoughts, vulnerabilities and fears onto others.

(Most recently I wrote about psychological projection last month in 'Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection': "Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.")

Because blaming ourselves is an easy self-rejecting place to go to, it becomes difficult or impossible to take responsibility for our actions.

I’m always reminding my coaching and psychotherapy clients: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself."

 

Saboteurs and Provocateurs

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior and mostly happens when self-doubt creeps in.

The definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper, hurt or undermine a cause.'

History offers this intriguing image of how the word came to be:

You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. During the Industrial Revolution discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it.

The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling.’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.

Just maybe, under all the President’s self-aggrandizement, grandiosity, self-importance and boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and ashamed. Maybe he can’t keep from reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught! Could it be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.

Saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the shit around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?

These behaviors easily promote chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. And by the way this is probably exactly how parents feel each time they walk into their toddler’s room and find the walls smeared with feces.

 

Self-Respect Instead of Self-Reject

Wouldn't it be great if we could become our own best supporter instead of our worst saboteur? Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose not to make messes, and avoid stepping in them?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could give ourselves some self-respect instead of self-reject?

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to have self-respect as a model of behavior from our leader?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Did Taunts, Insults and Taking Things Personally Start WW I?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

My high school history teacher would bellow out in her booming Southern accent: “Save your confederate money folks — the South will rise again!”

Another colorful lesson she taught was on how wars start. I’ll never forget her gusto in describing how a war was started because of insults and taking things personally. Too bad I can't remember the details of that lesson.

Forty years later, when I was writing Don’t Take It Personally! I remembered her vivid descriptions and tried many times to search for additional information. Trouble was, I couldn’t recall for sure which war she was talking about nor which monarch she was referring to.

I kept punching in keywords and hitting a wall. It was frustrating because normally I’m a pretty good online researcher. I began to think I had imagined that entire history lesson.  

And then . . .  the other night on MSNBC’s 'The Last Word' I heard author and journalist Jonathan Alter telling the story of how Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany started WW I.

                                                                                    Kaiser Wilhelm II – official portrait

He and Lawrence O'Donnell were describing how easily 140 character tweets can be misinterpreted –– and even start wars! He told the story of Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany whose taunts, braggadocio, miscommunication and repeated insulting of his cousins contributed to starting WW I.

I recognized the description immediately! Wilhelm was the very same emperor of my teacher’s vivid characterization. The flavor of Jonathan Alter’s description was almost identical to my history teacher’s words. Finally I found the reference I’ve been searching for all these years. I was finally able to retrieve that long-lost memory.

So now I had a name and of course I went right to my computer to research Kaiser Wilhelm II. I learned great stuff about his temperament, impulsiveness and personality quirks.

I am so excited to learn about this historical character I want to share him with you! Here are some summaries and excerpts of the intriguing information I found:

From Wikipedia

• bombastic and impetuous, he sometimes made tactless pronouncements on sensitive topics without consulting his ministers

• due to his emotional outbursts during the course of the London newspaper interview, he ended up further alienating not only the British, but also the French, Russians, and Japanese

• critics judged Wilhelm to be completely unable to handle the great responsibilities of his position, a ruler too reckless to deal with power

• seen as superficial, hasty, restless, unable to relax, without any deeper level of seriousness or sense of sobriety, for balance and boundaries, or even for reality and real problems

• uncontrollable and scarcely capable of learning from experience

• desperate for applause and success—as Bismarck said, he wanted every day to be his birthday—romantic, sentimental and theatrical

• unsure and arrogant, with an immeasurably exaggerated self-confidence and desire to show off, a juvenile cadet, who never took the tone of the officers' mess out of his voice, and brashly wanted to play the part of the supreme warlord

• full of panicky fear of a monotonous life without any diversions, and yet aimless

• pathological in his hatred against his English mother

• not lacking in intelligence but was seen as lacking stability, disguising his deep insecurities by swagger and tough talk, he frequently fell into depressions and hysterics

• his personal instability was reflected in vacillations of policy. His actions, at home as well as abroad, lacked guidance, and therefore often bewildered or infuriated public opinion

• concerned with asserting his will. Because he was the ruler of the leading Continental power this trait was one of the main causes of the uneasiness prevailing in Europe at the turn-of-the-century

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilhelm_II,_German_Emperor

From History.com

• he appointed chancellors who were upper-level civil servants rather than statesmen

• he meddled in German foreign policy on the basis of his emotions, resulting in incoherence and inconsistency in German relations with other nations

• he offended his British cousins in a London newspaper interview, saying, “You English are mad, mad, mad as March hares”

• he was out of touch with the realities of 1914 international politics, counting on his blood relationships to European monarchs to manage the crisis that followed the assassination of Austrian archduke Franz Ferdinand

http://www.history.com/topics/world-war-i/kaiser-wilhelm-ii

Can Insults Really Start a War?

History books describe the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife in Sarajevo as the catalyst for the start of WWI. In fact, there had been decade long tensions in Europe concerning the arms race, political alliances and a growing sense of nationalism. The war began in 1914 and lasted 4 years with 10 million military deaths.

However, there is a back story here. Wilhelm II is considered by many to be a major contributor to the outbreak of WW I because of his undisciplined rants and bitter criticisms of European leaders.

Again it appears we are faced with this question: Can taunts, insults, overreactions and taking things personally actually start a war?

Sure can and did:

From Alphahistory.com

• there is a consensus that Wilhelm II’s brash, ambitious and aggressive leadership was a critical factor

• his imperialistic and nationalistic agenda in the late 1800s and early1900s fueled pre-war diplomatic tensions, while his careless advice to Austria-Hungary during the July Crisis of 1914 was a major factor in the outbreak of war

• he was stubborn, arrogant, moody and prone to frightening outbursts and tantrums

• unwilling to impose limits on his own power, his strong-willed and impatient personality was desperately unsuited to matters of diplomacy and foreign policy. Several of his outspoken comments and misjudgments fueled European tensions in the decade prior to World War I

• his remarks were full of gaffes and undisciplined rants, including bitter criticisms of the English government and other European leaders

• his aunt, Queen Victoria told one of her ministers that Wilhelm was a “hot-headed, conceited and wrong-headed young man”

• the public saw him as an out-of-control, power-drunk madman who was desperate for confrontation and war

http://alphahistory.com/worldwar1/kaiser-wilhelm-ii/

 

 

When Wilhelm lost the support of the German army he abdicated his throne and fled to the Netherlands in exile.

So now I finally understand what my history teacher was describing with so much gusto those many years ago.
Thanks, Jonathan Alter for giving me the reference I’ve been searching for all this time!

........................

I really love this story and wanted to share it with you. Do you have comments or theories? Would love to hear what you have to say... While researching this story I was totally blown away by so many similarities between Wilhelm and Donald J.Trump. Do you notice them too?

You can email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of this blog.

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

From Self-reject to Self-respect

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Maybe it’s the insults flying through the air in every direction. I’m hearing consulting and psychotherapy clients describe how disturbed they are by the barrages of personal attacks, ridicule, insults, accusations, rants and taunts from this season’s crop of presidential candidates.

This name-calling is cringe-worthy when it reminds me of my childhood bullying and teasing that so often brought on self-doubt and self-rejection.

It’s painful to watch the desperation in the air as each of these candidates are grasping at straws, grasping at extreme ideas, grasping at excuses, coverups, exaggerations and lies.

These desperate maneuvers remind me of the times I have felt desperate in my life. I start remembering how embarrassed I’ve felt when it results in puffing myself up, foolhardy ideas, truth-stretching and wild-eyed accusations.

When Our Impressions are Discounted Repeatedly
We Learn to Discount Ourselves As Well

Denials and dismissals of what we perceive to be true feels surreal and crazy-making. We begin to doubt our own impressions of experiences. We begin to doubt our ability to trust our perceptions – and ourselves.

Some of us  grew up with people telling us we didn't see or hear something: "That didn't happen." "You must have made it up." "I didn't say that -- you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification' . . .  an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" what is really going on and being experienced. It leads to inability to discriminate the actual issues because there is a substitution of false issues for the real issues.   

Interestingly, the article Laing wrote begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

(More on Mystification in the links below.)

I don't like being fooled.

It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of how rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings invalidated.

When our impressions are discounted repeatedly we learn to discount
ourselves as well. This self-doubt leads to self-rejection.  

Based on what my clients are telling me, this campaign name-calling is leading to them finding themselves more sensitive than usual to disrespect and rejection. So many clients have been absorbing the negativity of the campaigning and turning it back on themselves. It is triggering old self-rejection messages for them:

“I blurt out ‘Stupid!’ even when I make a small mistake.”
“I feel like a failure, like a loser – I can’t do anything right”
“I’m flawed, defective – like there is something missing."  

Let’s take a look at ways perceived rejection impacts self-doubt, self-rejection and self-esteem.

Even though some of these ideas might be familiar to you, this ‘Through-the-Rejection-Lens’ focus may offer a different perspective and provide some missing pieces to the rejection puzzle.

Magnifying Mistakes

Too often we take disappointments  personally, inflating and distorting our missteps. We stamp our foreheads: “failure” or “bad” or “unworthy.” In the moment we forget our ability to make corrections.

Wouldn’t it be a relief to be able to put less energy into these debilitating thoughts and to be able to respect our strengths rather than zooming in on our shortcomings?

Negative Messages Stockpile

So how do we manage to do such a flawless job of rejecting and disrespecting ourselves?

Over the years tones and inflections, words and phrases pile up. These subtle and not-so-subtle messages may come from parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, coaches, baby-sitters, or neighbors.

Maybe they were intended, maybe not. Nevertheless these emotional welts and bruises are hurtful, rejecting and cause un-erasable wounds.

To a child many experiences can be traumatic They can range from feeling ignored, invalidated and discounted to physical or sexual mistreatment and to threats of (or actual) abandonment.

Teasing, cynicism, and sarcasm have undertones of anger and we perceive them as rejecting. Then, too, there is verbal battering such as belittling, shaming, criticizing, or publicly humiliating a child.

Rejection doesn’t only arise from harsh words or actions. It’s also present in demeaning looks or tones of voice.

Many of us buy into the “shoulds" and “if only’s” – those self-critical, second-guessing messages we manufacture: "If only I had done it better, differently, more quietly, more quickly, more perfectly."

How we explain these early rejection feelings to ourselves constitutes the messages we carry into our adult years. These messages color our beliefs about ourselves, the safety of our world and our trust of the people in it.

These rejection messages become self-rejecting beliefs hampering us in developing the ability to bounce back from hurts and disappointments. Too often replays of these early messages control our behaviors in personal and workplace relationships.  

They become an integral part of our being. Seems we would be glad to be rid of them, yet they offer a kind of security because they are familiar and give a sense of order and organization to our experiences. So we tend to hold on tightly.

As Sheldon Kopp suggests in If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him we prefer “the security of known misery to the misery of unfamiliar insecurity.”

Walking Alongside Yourself . . .

It’s exciting to be working with psychotherapy and coaching clients as they begin to step back from their shame and self-blame and begin to realize they can make choices about the messages they tell themselves as well as how long they dwell on these messages.  

I call it “walking alongside yourself,” mindfully noticing and naming what just transpired.

Observing provides objectivity and opens up space for making choices such as going back to the fork in the road and trying out another path. The hard part is observing without judgment – in other words, practicing mindfulness.

Noticing old triggers that replay – such as feeling left out, treated unfairly, dismissed, invisible, judged, taken advantage of, betrayed –– allows the chance to choose to make a change.

When thoughts or behaviors remain blind spots, how can you choose to change something you can’t see?

Tips for Transforming Self-rejection into Self-acceptance

- Ask yourself, “Am I taking this personally and feeling rejected in some way?”
- Ask yourself, “Am I setting myself up for disappointment by trying to read someone’s mind or expecting them to read mine?”
- Separate the ‘Then’ from the ‘Now.’ Certain childhood beliefs may no longer carry their earlier power.
- Walk alongside yourself, noticing and naming. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for options.
- Keep reminding yourself that you do have choices.
- Don’t presume or fill in the blanks — check things out.
- Check in with yourself about your personal boundaries.
- Remind yourself there is a difference between needs and neediness.
- Ask yourself what you want or need each day and from whom.
- Practice asking directly for what you need.
- Ask about the other person’s needs.
- Remember that allowing vulnerability is a strength. It’s very different from feeling vulnerable.
- Remind yourself if you’re uncomfortable in a situation you can take a time-out.
- Practice making eye contact and saying “thank you” to compliments.

This ‘reminder’ helps me out when negativity creeps in: “Try self-respect instead of self-reject.” It’s a handy tool to grab when I need it!

And another helpful reminder for respecting your Self:

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself.
They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty;and your purpose when you are confused.

                                                                              ~ African Saying

I'd love your comments about the ideas presented here. Does the tone of campaigning affect you as well.

You can post in the 'comments' section on the blogsite or email me at [email protected]

Some more information for you:

 On Self-rejection:
“Am I Not Good Enough”
http://bit.ly/1UmTkaQ

“Rewriting the Messages of Childhood”
http://bit.ly/1UmTz5w

“Traveling Back in Time - From Self-rejection to Self-acceptance”
http://bit.ly/WZtL0S

On Mystification:
“You Didn’t Hear What You Thought You Heard”
http://bit.ly/1P9BN74

R.D. Laing’s academic article
“Mystification, Confusion & Conflict
http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm

More on Self-Rejection in my blog archives
TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage, PhD

E\

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Two Faces of Dennis Hastert: “Serial Child Molester and Speaker of the House”

By Elayne Savage, PhD

“Nothing is more stunning than having ‘serial child molester’ and ‘speaker of the House’ in the same sentence.”

Judge Thomas Durkin said these words to Dennis Hastert as he sentenced him to 15 months in prison for violating bank laws to pay $3.5 million hush money to keep childhood sexual abuse a secret.

Former students are accusing Hastert of sexually abusing them decades ago when he was coaching high school wrestling in Yorkville, Illinois.

This is the same Dennis Hastert who was Speaker of the House from 1999 to 2007, second in line  to succeed to the presidency of the United States.

Dennis Hastert’s portrait as Speaker of the House was removed from a hallway outside the House chamber, just days after the former speaker pleaded guilty to breaking banking laws in the hush money scheme to cover up the abuse.

One wrestler, Scott Cross decided to testify in court after Hastert approached his brother, Tom Cross, a former Illinois House Republican leader and Hastert protege for a letter of support asking for leniency.

What does this say about Dennis Hastert? Does he consider himself so above blame that he actually thought it was OK to ask the brother of one of the boys he molested to write a letter on his behalf?

OR maybe he does he not even remember which boys he sexually abused? Asked by the judge if he abused Scott Cross, he said, "I — I don't remember doing that, but I accept his statement.”

Hastert read a prepared statement that he "mistreated" some of his athletes and apologized. He only reluctantly admitted to sexually abusing three of them when specifically questioned by the judge.

This sentencing was actually not for the crime of sexually abusing the boys he coached. The statute of limitations for bringing abuse criminal charges has expired.

The sentencing was regarding Hastert ’s guilty plea to federal charges of evading bank reporting requirements by making multiple bank transactions and lying to investigators about the hush money withdrawals.

During the proceedings Judge Durkin emotionally addressed the abuse aspects, saying, there's "nothing ambiguous about this. This is sexual abuse." He spoke about the lifelong damage abuse inflicts and asked, “Can you imagine the whispers, the finger-pointing, the sideways glances if you’re a 14-year-old boy and you accuse the town hero of molesting you?”

“My Darkest Secret”

Before Steve Reinboldt died of AIDS in 1994, he told his sister Jolene Burdge his first same-sex encounter was with Hastert. In court she told Hastert that Steve spent 24 years since high school “running from the pain and turmoil of lifelong trauma and the knowledge that no on would believe you were his abuser.

"He felt betrayed, ashamed and embarrassed. You were supposed to keep him safe, not violate him.”

Scott Cross described how he respected and trusted Coach Hastert. Then came the day when Coach Hastert offered to give him a massage in an otherwise empty locker room and the abuse happened.

“As a 17–year-old boy I was devastated. I felt intense pain and extreme guilt.”
"Today I understand I did nothing to bring this on, but at age 17, I could not understand what happened or why."

He described how he went years without speaking of what had happened, even to his parents and closest friends.

“I’ve always felt that what Coach Hastert had done to me was my darkest secret.”

Scott Cross described the reasons he came forward to testify: “I wanted you to know and understand how Mr. Hastert violated the trust I placed in him as a high school student. Judge Durkin, I wanted you to know the pain and suffering he caused me then, and still causes me today."

Most importantly I want my children and anyone else who was ever treated the way I was (to know) that there is an alternative to staying in silence.”

"It is important to tell the truth finally," he said. "I could no longer remain silent."

Are you wondering as I am if the serial molesting stopped after Dennis Hastert left employment at the high school? Or did it continue in the years he was in the Illinois state legislature and the US Congress as Speaker of the House? How many others have been sexually abused by Dennis Hastert? Will more come forward now?

The Devastating Long-term Effects of Abuse

I often present speaking programs and write about the long-term effects of abuse: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.

“Rejection is the common thread in every type of abuse — psychological, physical, and sexual . . . . It is difficult to determine where one type of abuse ends and another begins. Psychological maltreatment . . . conveys “the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or only valuable in meeting someone else’s needs.”
 
Trusting Becomes a Lifelong Struggle

For many it feels like an act of betrayal when a trusted person abuses. This includes parents, extended family, family friends  teachers, coaches or religious leaders. And it feels like a double betrayal when other adults do nothing to protect the child.

Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect, the messages we take in about the safety of our world and the people in it leave a lasting imprint.

More than personal relationships become damaged. Workplace problems develop as well. 'Personality Conflicts' are really about distrust, perceived rejection and taking things personally.

Whenever sexual or physical abuse occurs, you'll find a psychological rejection message present – of disrespect, degradation and humiliation.

At what point does the world cease to be a safe place?
How long, before self-rejecting messages start to take hold?
When does self-esteem begin to suffer?

What a betrayal of trust when an authority figure takes advantage
of a vulnerable child! And it is especially difficult for the child
to refuse inappropriate advances when that person is a revered mentor or coach.

 

Sometimes the exploitation is more subtle but still confusingly seductive –exposing the child to inappropriate sexual poems, stories, pictures, comments.

These experiences can lead to confusion, affecting self-esteem and trust.

And then there is the voyeurism. Over the last 30 years I’ve heard many stories from clients about adults spying on them in their teen years: hidden video cameras in bedrooms and bathrooms, peepholes drilled in walls, walking in on them when they are dressing or bathing.

Members of Dennis Hastert’s wrestling team report seeing him sit in a reclining chair, watching as the boys showered.

 

A Glimmer of Hope

I'm writing this with the hope that the courageous words of Judge Durkin, Jolene Brudge and Scott Cross might raise awareness about the long-term effects of childhood abuse.

As Scott Cross told the judge, “There is an alternative to staying in silence. It is important to tell the truth finally. I could no longer remain silent."

When Closely Held Secrets Are Finally Told, Healing Can Follow

I'm hoping the courage shown in this courtroom will give permission to those who have been abused by an adult – and to the caring adults in their lives – to come forward.

Perhaps you know of children who could use some protecting from inappropriate sexually, physically or emotionally abusive behavior – or neglect.

If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child you can call 1-800-4-ACHILD or contact your local law enforcement or Child Protective Services Agency.

Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it if you are concerned.

Thanks for listening. As you can tell this is an emotional topic for me. These recent court proceedings bring validation and justice – for myself and in the name of every child who has experienced this kind of lopsided abuse of power by an adult.

What do you think about the issues raised here? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories.

You can post under 'comments' on the blog:
www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at
[email protected]

For more information:

On the long-term effects of rejection, abuse and neglect:
Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection
explores these issues in depth.

Under ‘Abuse’ in the Archives of my blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

On the Dennis Hastert sentencing proceedings:
Scott Cross’ poignant account of his decision to testify:
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/hastert-accuser-scott-cross-i-could-no-longer-remain-silent-n563626

Transcript of Witness statements in court:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/ct-dennis-hastert-sentencing-transcript-20160427-htmlstory.html

Until next time,

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Related articles

Trumped Up and Slammed Down -The 2016 Presidential Primaries

A Life-Changing Phone Call to Harper Lee

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Harper Lee and "Scout" on To Kill a Mockingbird movie set

 

I was always a timid child, too scared to speak up for myself, hesitant to ask for what I needed, fearful of putting myself ‘out there.’

Something changed the day I phoned Harper Lee to invite her to be the keynoter at our Board of Publications Banquet.

In those days I was the Business Manager of the humor magazine at the University of Alabama. Possibly using the same office where Nelle Harper Lee had been Editor years earlier. Her magazine was called Rammer Jammer — before it morphed into The Mahout.

 

 We had more or less been joking around in the office that day about asking her to be our speaker. When the Mahout staff dared me to call her I didn’t have the nerve to back out.

 

I sort of figured we’d never be able to find her phone number, so imagine my shock when I found out Nelle Harper Lee was actually listed! Before I knew it, the operator was connecting me.

Then Harper Lee herself answered the phone! Amazingly I didn’t  hang up.
Pretty hard to hang  up when the Mahout business staff was witnessing this little drama.

Trying very hard to bond with her, I blurted out our Alabama humor magazine Editor and Business Manager connection. We were both aware how unusual it was back then for women to hold these positions.

 

 

My attempt at connecting didn’t work, of course. Harper Lee respectfully and regretfully declined my invitation.

Not that I really expected her to drive 140 miles from Monroeville to Tuscaloosa just to speak to a bunch of want-to-be journalists.

Yet what a thrill it was to speak with her! And how proud I was of myself for making that call!

This act of courage on my part opened the way to some much-needed self-acceptance. I would no longer think of myself as the timid kid, always believing “I can’t.”

That moment was my first realization that “I can!”

Scout’s Amazing Spunk

I often think about that day. I can still see myself in the Mahout office, the phone in my shaking hand.

The image is forever etched. And whenever I need a big dose of encouragement, I can pull it up.

Harper Lee’s death got me thinking more than usual about that phone call so many years ago. I can still feel the flush of bravery I felt that day.  

I think what actually happened is I borrowed Scout’s spunk.

My dog-eared copy’ of To Kill a Mockingbird convinced me I wanted to learn to be courageous like Scout.  

In my most challenging moments thinking back to that day gives me renewed courage. It has helped me to be ‘out there in the world.’

Thinking back to that day enables me to meet new people, and to initiate making plans with them by saying, “And when would you like to get together again?”
For me, that act takes courage!

Can you think of an experience in your own life that stands out as a beacon of light for approaching future courageous situations?

The Many Flavors of “Spunk”

So I’ve been thinking about the many flavors of “spunk” — and how I’ve watched myself grow into some amount of competency in some of these.  

Here a few of the spunk-like terms that especially resonate for me:

perseverance
determination
bravery
courage
fearlessness
tenacity
feistiness

Each has it’s own special meaning along my perseverance path. Yet, there are some sides to spunk that are not always considered positive or flattering: feisty” and “tenacious” are words I’ve been called lots of times.

Can you think of some other descriptions that relate to your own experiences? Do you, too, have stories to tell? I’d love to hear them.

Each of these has slightly different colorations, yet it seems to me that they require a certain amount of resilience.

A Closer Look at ‘Resilience’
 
I’ve been intrigued with the idea of Resilience for many years.
I actually wanted to do my dissertation research on it in the 80’s but it would have meant a longitudinal study. After a total of 11 years in graduate school and working full time, I wanted to be done, done, done.

Turns out that my research on how children’s perception of acceptance or rejection relates to adult relationships had an important variable that was crying out to be addressed in the discussion . . . resilience!

Here are a few highlights on resilience from Don’t Take It Personally! describing how resilient people have the ability to stay intact as they navigate the difficulties of life:

•  stepping back from a situation, being objective, and keeping perspective
•  developing a buoyancy, a natural knack for coping with trauma in life
*  operating out of empowerment rather than impotence
•  developing self-regard rather than self-degradation
•  approaching life reflectively rather than impulsively
•  coping with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat
•  learning a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows

Psychologist/Anthropologist Ronald Rohner has studied acceptance and rejection world-wide and was an early mentor as I struggled to navigate my dissertation.

Dr. Rohner sees resilience as having three components:
- a sense of self
- a sense of self-determination
- the capacity to not take things personally

I also really appreciate Lillian Rubin’s description of how resilient children are able to stop knocking on a door that is closed to them, to recognize that members of their family are not able to give them what they need.

As I remind my therapy and workplace clients, resilience lets them learn to walk down the hallway or down the street or across town and find another door to knock on. This could be a neighbor, another relative, a teacher, a mentor.

I guess you could say I not only learned about spunk from Scout — I also learned about identifying resilience. And i got to practice it with the incredible mentors in my life.

So in tribute to Harper Lee’s life, I’m sharing my story of courage in making that phone call.

Thanks Nelle Harper Lee!
Thanks Scout!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Related articles

To Kill A Mockingbird's Author Harper Lee Dies At 89 - The Shade Room

Saving Face or Losing Face?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I started thinking a lot about 'Saving Face' when world-wide tensions were mounting after the devastating chemical attack on civilians in Syria. You'll recall there was lots of talk about a red line in the sand, the possibility of US air strikes over Syria and threats of retaliation.

John Kerry's off-the-cuff remark on how to avoid a military strike by the US was immediately followed by Russia's offer to put Assad’s poison gas stocks under international control. And when the UN Secretary General jumped on board and it was decided the UN would dismantle Syria's chemical arsenal.

Isn't it amazing how quickly they found a workable solution once it became possible to 'Save Face?'

And now the world's eyes are on Washington where those involved seem to be desperately looking for a way to 'Save Face.'

Again we are facing high stakes. This time it is in the U.S. Congress. I'm intrigued with the Chinese concept of 'Managing Face,' and I'm hoping lawmakers can learn something from this.

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, and disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi')  means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss.  "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

In Washington our government is also engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

These concepts of course are bigger than the Washington skirmishes. Would love to hear your ideas and experiences on Saving Face – in your personal and workplace situations. You can send me an email  at [email protected] or Comment below . . .

More info about Managing Face:
http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

"Am I Not Good Enough?"

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 "It's hard not to take it personally. You worry, 'Am I not good enough?'" lamented Ann Curry in an unfortunately timed interview with Ladies Home Journal on the eve of her sudden departure from NBC's "Today" show.

These magazine excerpts emerged just as rumors were flying about her impending separation from the show. There had already been harsh press, even blaming her for the "Today" ratings drop. With the combination of criticism and rumors, Curry instantly became a poster child for rejection – in a very embarrassing and public way.

"Am I not good enough?"

Have you, too, asked yourself this question? Have you dwelled on similar judgments and criticisms? Have you been embarrassed publicly?

Like many of you, "Am I not good enough?" is a question I've asked myself throughout my life.

For me, it symbolizes all the times I've been unsure of myself, when I question my abilities, when I second-guess myself. It captures the self-doubt I've felt since I was a little girl.

"Am I not good enough?"

Like many of you, I thought I'd outgrown much of the pain of these early experiences. I, too, sometimes find myself again asking, "Am I not good enough?" It happened when I felt thrown under the bus by someone I believed in and trusted to respect my well-being.

Have you ever felt the same?

"Am I not good enough?"

This question symbolizes the times many of us feel "dissed" in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or disposed of. You know – all the "diss" words I so often write about that are connected to rejection and taking things personally:
http://www.queenofrejection.com/article1.htm

If this sounds like victim-y thinking to you, you're right! When this happens to me I've learned to notice how I was contributing to creating my disappointments. I saw how some of the situations I found myself in were set-ups for failure. Once I was able to notice, I could try to change it by taking responsibility for my part.

It helps to check some things out:
  •   Are my expectations unrealistic?
  •   Is my vision of myself distorted?
  •   Am I unrealistic about who I am and what I can accomplish?
  •   Am I looking to the wrong people for support?
  •   Am I being direct in asking for what I need, or do I sometimes hope         someone will read my mind?

Sometimes we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past. Unfortunately we tend to expect the same in the future.

We tend to collect injustices which stockpile and fester:
  •  "It's not fair!"
  •   "I don't deserve this."
  •   "How can you do this to me?"

When a new injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. All of those early feelings of inadequacy and self-rejection get reawakened.

These early perceived rejecting messages might come from family, peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of friendship. Or from failed romantic relationships.

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen, Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
    "What makes you think you can do that?"
    "Who do you think you are?"

These cumulative experiences affect how we see ourselves and how we cope with present day disappointments.

Taking Disappointment Personally

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down – reality is a hard landing place.

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks.
Who among us hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

Often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

And Back to Ann Curry and the "Today" show . . .

It's hard for most of us not to take criticism and disappointment personally.

For many of us questioning whether we are good enough comes from early experiences from family, peers teachers, coaches, or relationship failures. Perhaps this is true of Ann Curry as well.

Like many of you, I found myself identifying strongly with Ann Curry's distress – which prompted me to write this piece.

I know what it's like to be disappointed in myself and in others. To feel not supported by those important to me. To feel blamed when others won't take responsibility for their own actions.To feel betrayed. To be publicly embarrassed and humiliated. We all know how awful these kinds of feelings can be.

Over the years I've asked myself many times, "Am I not good enough." But I kept it to myself. It was a long time before I could say it out loud. And now I'm able to say it publicly. 

So, thanks Ann Curry for inspiring me to write this piece . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I'd love to hear your thoughts. I encourage you to post your experiences under 'comments' on this blog - or send me an email - [email protected]

Until next month,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Rewriting the Messages of Childhood

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Wendy Wasserstein was the first woman playwright to win a Tony Award, and a Pulitzer as well for 'The Heidi Chronicles.'

She died of lymphoma in 2006. She was 55 years old.

In Julie Salamon's 'Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Uncommon Life of Wendy Wasserstein' we understand how the onslaught of childhood rejection messages affected the woman she grew into.

Wendy's Story - "Look at That Fat Girl"

The mother, Lola Wasserstein, pushed Wendy to succeed yet undermined her with criticism. The book describes how, walking down the street together, Lola Wasserstein might point to the crowd and inform her daughter, “They are all looking at you and thinking, ‘Look at that fat girl.’

It's no surprise that Wendy had a life-long discomfort with her body.

Any of us who grew up with family secrets can relate to how it must have felt for Wendy to learn as an adult that there was a fifth brother who was never spoken about. First-born Abner had been sent away to an institution years earlier.
 
Wendy grew up shrouding herself in her own secrets. She made friends easily and people felt connected to her, yet Salamon writes that she used “humour as a dodge, intimacy as a smoke screen.” She had great difficulty connecting with friends on an authentic level. Her closest friends wondered how well they knew her. She had a baby at age 48, never revealing the identify of the father.

Wendy was the youngest of five born to Polish immigrant parents who had big dreams for their children. And surely they were ultra-achievers.

Sandra, the eldest, became a high-ranking corporate executive. She died at age 60, a few years before Wendy's death. Georgette, the middle daughter, became the successful owner of a large country inn in Vermont. Bruce was a billionaire investment banker who died in 2009 at age 61. His death was surrounded by secrecy as was much of his life. Another testimony to the power of the childhood messages he grew up with.

Let's take a look at how the experiences we have in childhood can affect our personal and professional lives as adults. And then consider what we can do to change that.

Wendy Wasserstein once said: "Sometimes if you can create order out of experiences, it lets you pass through them."

The stories below happen to be messages from families. Some of the most damaging messages, however, come from teachers and peers.

Hannah's Story - "They'll Find Out I'm an Imposter"

Hannah's mother would say, "What makes you think you can do that?" And Hannah tried so hard to please her, but the response would be "you didn't do a good enough job - you really disappoint me."

Is it any surprise that Hannah, a successful consultant, becomes overly anxious before each client meeting. She tells  herself: I'll disappoint them for sure. I won't be as good as they expect me to be."

Our work together concentrates on how she can build on her successes and not automatically jump to those negative messages from childhood. We focus on the situations where she has been effective. Doing a good job no longer has to be dependent on her impossible-to-please-mother! What would it take for her to stop taking that old message so personally?

Ryan's Story - "I Feel Like the End of the Food Chain"

"'That idea is foolish' my mother would say." My needs or style were never honored. I was expected to do things their way. To think like them. I never had a say. I felt invisible and inadequate."

And this situation is recreated often in Ryan's contract work interactions. Once again he feels powerless, afraid to rock the boat with clients, hearing the old childhood refrain in his head: "Don't upset your mother." These days this translates to, "Don't upset the client."

Related to this is the childhood injunction: "Don't questions us - it's disrespectful."

This means Ryan had to guess the meaning when it was not clear. And in his family, communication was often murky - full of undefined meaning.

You can imagine how this plays out in his dealing with clients who are fuzzy in communicating their ideas and goals for a project. "It's sure hard to keep persevering and go after direct answers when the message of 'Questioning is bad' plays in my head."

Working together our job is to find ways for Ryan to move past those powerful growing up messages. To separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Can Ryan remind himself that as a young person he felt he did not have options for responding. Can he remind himself that as an adult he does have the power of choice. If only he can stay in the  present and not get overwhelmed by the past.

Julia's Story - "I Feel Obligated To Take Care of Others"

"My mother's message to me was 'You don't need a romantic relationship or friends. You have me.' And in fact she was my drinking buddy when I was in high school. I took care of her then. And I still do.

"I guess I feel obligated to take care of others. I can see how I choose under-functioning boyfriends that I can 'save.'" Then my own needs get lost and I'm not taking very good care of myself.

We looked at how Julia can nurture herself. She decided to concentrate on healthful ways of doing this: Long walks with a friend, yoga classes, regular massages, eating mindfully.

Providing a Mirror

I'm curious what kinds of rejection, non-acceptance messages were passed down throughout the generations in the Wasserstein family. It's fascinating to show my clients how to diagram a 3-generational Genogram, noting the spoken (and unspoken) messages that are passed down.

'Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China.' is one of my most popular workshops (and a section in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!').
She and grandpa also pass down family traditions, attitudes, beliefs, myths, scripts, roles, rules, expectations, disappointments, and rejection messages. And if we're lucky, we get a dose of acceptance, respect  and validation as well.

Every day in my relationship and workplace coaching practice I hear similar stories to those told here. I'm sharing a few with you because stories like these provide a mirror for you to remember your own experiences, create order out of them, imagine choices for change, and pass through them.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Do you, too, have childhood memories to share? And how have they affected your personal or professional relationships? I'd very much like
to hear your stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
[email protected]

And let me know if I can be a resource to you in any way.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please
2. The Many Faces of Discrimination
3. The Indignity of 'Cootie Catchers'
4. "I'm Really a Fraud"
5. Tips For Choosing to Act Like a Grownup
6. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. TAKE THOSE MISERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMORIES
     . . . PLEASE
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just got hit with a rejection-flashback-triple-whammy.

Three recent events brought me face to face with childhood and adolescent experiences I thought I'd buried long ago.

Lynn Price was a main stage speaker at the recent National Speakers Association Western Workshop. She spoke with passion and power about growing up as a foster child separated from her sister. She is now internationally recognized for her work in child advocacy. 

As Lynn spoke I realized something about myself. I guess you could say I was a foster-child-in-my-own-home. After my mother died my father took a job traveling. He hired a live-in housekeeper to care for my brother, Lee, and me.  She was cruel.

Lots of feelings bubbled up for me as Lynn Price spoke.

But that was just the beginning. Two weeks later I attended a fundraiser for Challenge Day. This amazing organization provides programs which build connection and empathy for kids in middle and high school.

During the event, young people spoke of their loneliness, about feeling left out, being the object of name-calling and rumors, and teasing, harassment and bullying. As I listened I started to cry. Along with just about everyone in the room.

Truth be told, I was re-experiencing some devastating experiences from my early years.

I was sitting there feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was remembering that miserable young person who once tried to strangle herself. Yes me. As you may guess I lost consciousness. My hands dropped away from my throat before I could do the deed. It IS a funny visual. Now. Not then.

Two days later I had yet another powerful deja vu experience. I was being filmed for a documentary on childhood and teenage depression. As the director, cameraman and sound engineer recorded me, I shared stories from my work with children and adolescents. And of course, some of the stories were my own.

I talked about loneliness and feeling left out. I described how it feels to be the object of name-calling and rumors. I gave examples of getting teased, harassed and bullied.

My voice was cracking as I spoke. I think the director, camera and sound guys might have been affected by my stories as well. I could hear it in their voices.

Yes. Rejection hurts. Isn't it amazing how all these years later we find ourselves smarting from the sting of those early rejections. 

The pain never goes away.

And I can't push the old pain back into the box so easily this time.
It's been swirling around me. Creeping into my consciousness. Calling out for understanding and attention.

2. THE MANY FACES OF DISCRIMINATION

I had a similar experience writing the "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow" Chapter on peer rejection in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!' So many long-forgotten memories were turning up. 

Some of the peer rejection I experienced was because I'm Jewish. Prejudice is hard to explain to yourself when you are a young person.

We lived in a row house in D.C. My best friend was the girl next door. I couldn't understand why her parents, aunts and uncles would spit on our porch. then one day Marian spit over the porch railing too. I was crushed. I remember wondering, "What I did wrong?" Why were they all so mad at me?"

3. THE INDIGNITY OF 'COOTIE CATCHERS'

Even one ugly action or name-calling incident can lead to a negative self-image that follows us into adulthood.

One day some friends and I were sitting around discussing how these
kinds of experiences stood out. We began reminiscing about the taunting that went on. Someone remembered the "Cootie Catchers."

Maybe some of you have experienced the Cootie Catcher indignity. Cootie Catchers are hand-folded paper origami-like contraptions. Someone swipes it over your skin or hair and proclaims that they caught cooties. Cooties are creepy crawly thingies, diseases, etc. that might be on you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooties

Kathleen shared a vivid memory,  “A boy at school called me the worst possible
name. He said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cootie.’ I was crushed, and I’ve never forgotten that incident.”

Our friend Martin speculated, “I’ll bet you were a really cute little girl. Maybe that boy actually said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cutie’.”

Kathleen’s eyes widened, her face softened, “Do you think that might be true? Do you suppose if I hadn’t been so ashamed and told my father what happened, he’d have reassured me and said the same thing?

You mean I didn’t have to believe all these years that someone thought I was a
cootie?

Trouble is, we don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how hurt we are. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years. And years.

Our self-esteem plummets, we struggle to trust people in our world. Is it any wonder we might even have work and personal relationship difficulties?

4. "I'M REALLY A FRAUD"

Over the years many consultation and coaching clients have said to me: "If you only knew me, you'd see how defective I really am. You'll find out I'm really a fraud under all my pretenses."

And sometimes folks want others to find out the truth. Unwittingly they sabotage themselves. The spotlight of disclosure shines glaringly on them.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately when Eliot Spitzer leaped into the news. Or perhaps you recognize yourself in the description.  I know I do.

5. TIPS FOR CHOOSING TO ACT LIKE A GROWNUP

OK, so what can we do to not get so mired in those miserable memories?
What can we do to stay in the present and function in our adult selves?

Here are some considerations:

- Can you appreciate that two sides of you may co-exist?
There is the young, sometimes defenseless person. And there is the grownup.

- Can you appreciate the attributes of each?

- Can you empathize with (and even embrace) that young part of you?

- Can you show compassion rather than contempt for that sometimes helpless person?

- Can you walk alongside yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Create enough distance so you are not feeling overwhelmed by those often powerful young feelings.

- Which part of you do you WANT to experience now?  Can you make that choice?

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'™
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
May, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'
2. The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing
3. Virginia Tech and Seung-Hui Cho's Two Plays.
4. Memories of Columbine and Even The Menendez Brothers
5. Rage is "Anger with a History"
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription

1. IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN - THE HEARTACHE OF BEING 'DIFFERENT'
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Last month I wrote about bullying behavior and the damage it can do.
A couple of days later the killing rampage occurred at Virginia Tech.

So this month, let's take a look at the effects on someone who is
teased or ignored because they are "different." As Kermit the frog
says, "It's not easy being green." 

2, The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing

All too many of school violence situations happen when someone has
been repeatedly teased, taunted and/or ostracized. Then at some point
a few decide they are "just not going to take it anymore."

Perhaps their misery is so great they contemplate killing themselves.
Perhaps with their fuzzy thinking, killing others gives them reason
to kill themselves. Or to let police bullets do it for them.

Of course, many children and young adults are teased by schoolmates.
Most have  enough resiliency to bend without breaking. But some are
more brittle.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I
quote from Ronald Rohner's studies of worldwide rejection. He found
three important characteristics contribute to resiliency in children.
These are: development of a sense of self, self-determination,
and the capacity to depersonalize.” To me, this means they don't take
things so personally.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

3. Virginia Tech and Seung-Hu Choi's Two Plays

Just after the Virginia Tech killings I had the opportunity to read
Seung-Hui Cho's two short plays. I was handed both eight page plays by
KTVU reporter Ken Wayne, just before he interviewed me for a Bay Area
TV newscast.

I quickly read the plays, then we talked about them as the camera rolled.

Here's the link to the news clip.
http://www.ktvu.com/video/12345827/index.html -The Ken Wayne Interview

This was one of the most difficult interviews I've ever given. At the
time, we still knew very little about the killer or about what happened.
The video tapes had not yet been released. I'm always careful
not to speculate when I don't have enough facts in front of me.

4. Memories of Columbine and Even the Menendez Brothers

AND this brought back memories of the day the Columbine killings
occurred.

I went on the air for 4 hours that evening with a Denver radio host. We were
trying to help folks make some sense of what had happened that day in
Littleton, Colorado.

The killings at Columbine High School are in part the result of two students
being teased, taunted and ostracized by classmates for being 'different.'

Both described  injustices done to them by a handful of students. Reportedly,
a friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time
to get back at the school.”

“They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them.
They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.
Unfortunately, that’s what they did.” 

As Kermit reminds us, "It's not easy being green."

Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.
He wrote about killing himself. 

Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so
many fun things." 

On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns
and a semi-atomatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates
and a teacher.

I am also reminded of another gruesome killing incident when Erik and
Lyle Menendez brutally killed both parents.

I remember their Aunt's testimony during the trial. She described how she
lived across the street. Often the boys, then toddlers, would cross the street by themselves in the morning because they  were hungry. Their mother was
reportedly sleeping off too much booze the night before and did not get up
to take care of them.

The image of toddlers crossing the street alone to find food has stayed
with me all these years. Toddlers!

Of course the stories we heard in the media addressed the more
obvious allegations of physical and sexual abuse by the father.

Their mother not only failed to protect them from their father,
but she neglected their physical needs as well.

Here again I had the opportunity to appear on a national TV talk show.
And again I was attempting to help the public better understand how
this kind of brutal, horrific violence could have occurred.

The Menendez killings are another example where perceived injustices
bring on anger and violent rage.

Surely, neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse does not give
someone the right to kill.

Yet, understanding the abusive conditions can help us understand
the feelings of injustice and anger or rage that lead to these
killings.

5. Rage is Anger with a History

My definition of rage is “anger with a history.” Rage is an emotion
beyond anger. Anger relates to something happening in the present
and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from
overwhelming, often unbearable feelings from the past. It often
arises from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices.

Ever since I read Cho's plays I've been unable to get the obvious
pain of the killer out of my mind.

The Virginia Tech killings were horrific. The plays were also
horrific. Quite a few commentators have talked about the bloody
descriptions and anger contained in the works.

Yet, I saw something else as well. As I was reading the vivid
descriptions about wanting to kill people, I realized that rage
was not the only theme in these plays. Both describe a young
person being sexually violated by older men, one a teacher.

And not surprising, former high school classmates describe how
Cho was mocked and laughed at for his shyness and the way he
talked.

Yes, "its not easy being green."

There is a high price paid in the school yard for being different.
Being green seems to be an invitation for rejection and the
emotional pain that goes along with it.

Seems to me, we could try to be just a little more respectful to
each other.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

On a personal note: I'm off to Denver today to present a program on
Rejecting Rejection: Don't Take It Personally! for the Colorado
National Speakers Association.   

'Til next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.