Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

When Rejection Leads to Self-rejection and Feels Like Shame

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

Seems these days the most frequent challenge my psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients describe is “Feeling Shame.”

 

I’m hearing from colleagues, friends and clients about how recent political behaviors and attitudes are bringing up painful family and school memories of criticism, insults, accusations, taunts, lashing out, easing, blaming, baiting or manipulating.

 

“Hearing about the discord in Congress, I’m realizing how chaotic and divisive my family life was. Mother would pit my sister and me against each other — driving a wedge between us and keeping us from being a united front against her. Each of us would compete with each other, trying to win her favor.”

 

And another reaction:

“My mother would complain about one child to the other turning one against the other. I think her need was to get one of us to side with her and bolster her narcissism. She seemed to have a need to instill guilt in us. 

 

Over the years we learned to protect ourselves: One of us stopped speaking to her, and the other went to therapy to drop guilt from our repertoire.”

 

And a frequent story: “I was always sent away from the dinner table and told to go to my room. I told myself I wasn’t good enough to eat with my family.”

 

Turns out the most troubling part is how feelings of shame seem to take over from memories of perceived slights, finger-pointing, being made ‘bad’ or ‘wrong,’ criticism and blame. 

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously: 

Shaming

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Smearing

Scorning

 
You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

And the result is often self-rejection. I see experiencing self-rejection the same as feeling shame.

 

I Know All About Thin Skin

 

I’ve lived in it much of my life.

 

When I was little, if someone looked at me funny I’d cry. I took about everything personally.

 

If I thought someone was upset with me I’d replay the last few days in my head. I’d pull out my ‘checklist’ of possible “offenses” and go over them in my mind, one at a time. And then once again.

 

When we were little we were probably hurt by words, looks, or tones of voice – whether they were intended or not. And we carry these cringe-worthy sensitive feelings into our adult years.

 

I still cringe at the memory of my math teacher holding up my paper filled with red marks and saying to the whole class; "Elayne can do better than this!"

 

We each have our unique responses and long-term repercussions. We each live with whatever fearful and self-rejecting messages the traumatic experience leads us to take in about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it. 

 

This is especially true if, in our early years, there were inappropriate personal boundary crossings which affected our feelings of safety and trust. Each new situation might be somewhat different, however, our visceral response is very recognizable.

 

We can expect the original discomfort and fear to re-surface if we find ourselves in another unsafe moment and as we hear other’s stories. For some of us this can be similar to a PTSD-like experience.

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of Managing Face

 

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I first blogged about it many years ago. 

 

Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

 

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’

 

Managing Face

 

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face 

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

 

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. 

 

These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. 

The result is you leave the other person a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

So how do we leave ourselves a ‘way out?’

The opposite of self=rejection is of course self-acceptance. Sometimes a good re-framing does the trick!

 

It’s Embarrassment – Not Shame

 

It helps to remind myself that most times “It’s really embarrassment – not shame.”

 

I try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. 

 

I try repeating to myself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

 

At a point in my life I realized how much my over-sensitivity was causing problems at home and at work. I knew I needed to make some changes in how I dealt with the people in my world:

- I decided I wanted to stop these knee-jerk responses when my feelings got hurt.

- I wanted to not revert to childish behavior when I got upset.- I wanted to have my embarrassments just be embarrassments instead of turning into shame.

- I wanted to stop acting like a petulant child, lashing out when I felt unsupported or betrayed.

- I wanted to acknowledge my part in something and not be so quick to blame others.

- I wanted to stop brooding/fixating/dwelling/stewing/ruminating/agonizing about so many perceived slights. I’d be obsessing about what someone did or said –– or what they neglected to do or say. And go automatically into my painful mental checklist mode. 

This incessant dwelling and fuming sapped my energy and my productivity and left me depleted.

- I especially wanted to better understand my thin-skinned challenges and begin to choose to do things differently.

 

Recognizing and Welcoming Corrective Emotional Experiences Into Our Lives  

 

A corrective emotional experience is the opportunity to have a positive emotional experience in the present that balances out negative ones from our past.
 

I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones from our past.

 

Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.

 

What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or does something hurtful it's hard not to take it to heart. 

 

These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.

 

All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out positive and validating responses from people. 

 

We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Then, along comes a chance to have a Corrective Emotional experience –– an event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. 

 

The trick is to recognize it.

 

Something changes for us. 

In the way we see ourselves. 

In the responses we expect from people around us.

In the quality of our connection to others.

 

Yes, something changes.

 

For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. 

 

Yet, with being able to recognize the possibility that something could be different this time, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.

 

You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. 

 

You may feel heard, listened to and understood. You may feel accepted, validated, appreciated and well regarded.

 

As these positive experiences have a chance to grow, there is much less space available for feelings of self-rejection and shame.

 

©Elayne Savage, PhD

Wearing Victimhood As a Badge of Honor

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

 

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

 

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

 

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

 

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

 

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

 

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

 

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

 

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"


Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

 

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  


 

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  


 

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  


 

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 


These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

 

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

 

Taking  Bullying Personally

 

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

 

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

 

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

 

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

 

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

 

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

 

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

 

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

 

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

 

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

 

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

 

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

 

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

 

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

 

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

 

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

 

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

 

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

 

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

John Fetterman and Me and Auditory Processing Challenges

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / radiantskies

 

I was reading up on auditory processing disorder while I was working with a client who needed closed captioning and transcribing accommodations in her college classes.   OMG -- I found myself reading about ME!    These APD articles totally helped me identify and understand my own limited ability to process verbal information.    It always seemed like there was a space between hearing the words and my brain actually being able to process the words I had just heard. I often found that words were running together and garbled – especially if the person was talking fast.  And I was always de-coding.   Before this discovery, I had learned from my neuropsychologist that tests showed I had ADHD (you may have seen my recent blog about this: New Kid On the Block – Intention Deficit Disorder.)   We figure I’ve been dealing with both the ADHD and Auditory Processing for much of my life along with my hearing impairment.   My audiologist says that most folks with hearing loss also have some difficulty with auditory processing and that it tends to show up even more as we age.   And yet, I think I’ve been functioning pretty OK over the last 30 years as a psychotherapist, professional speaker, author and blogger.    Actually, my two recent concussions are causing more challenges than any of this other stuff.    Sometimes I pause a bit before answering a question, or have to ask for it to be repeated, or stumble over words, or can’t quite get to the word I want to use.    With all the negative attention to Senate candidate John Fetterman’s difficulty with auditory processing from his recent stroke, it gets me wondering if some folks have had negative thoughts about my workshops, interviews, workplace coaching or therapy sessions. Yes, I guess was sometimes on the verge of taking it personally and feeling rejected.   Have they secretly been making fun of me the way some folks do about John Fetterman’s speech?  I’m aware that my ability to think and write are not at all affected but I now I’m wondering what others have been thinking about my brain.   I couldn’t be without closed captioning to watch TV and some movies. I loved the idea that John Fetterman used it in his recent TV debate. Sure wish I had thought of using captioning in other venues to help me out. But then maybe folks would have made fun of me for doing that.    Because of the attention to Lt. Gov. Fetterman’s speech difficulties, there have been some wonderfully informative articles about auditory processing and I’m sharing them with you below.    You may even recognize yourself or someone you care about as you read.   Here are some highlights from that very first piece I was reading when I first realized APD is Me.   From Andrea’s Blog:  https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   – The ears take in everything, but the brain has trouble sorting it out.   – It’s like having poor cell phone reception, where the signal gets static or drops out.    – Difficulty discriminating between a voice and the background noises.    – Difficulty understanding people when more than one person is speaking.    – Having to rely on context to puzzle out what people are saying.   – I have always misunderstood musical lyrics (and creatively concocted my own); I can never repeat a conversation verbatim that lasts longer than a few seconds.   – Verbal directions are hard to keep straight – writing them down helps a lot.   – All my life my teachers and parents have complained I didn’t pay attention: “What’s wrong with you”  “Why aren’t you listening to me?“    Tips for coping from Andrea and Her Blog Readers:    –  Asking people to face you.   –  Sitting closer to a speaker whenever possible, saying I have trouble hearing.   –  Looking at people’s lips when they talk.    –  Writing down lists of things I’m asked to do. Otherwise, I forget what I hear.    –  Repeating back what I hear, in a different way if possible. This is for two reasons. One, I often hear the wrong thing and put together the wrong instruction set. The second reason is because even if I hear the right thing, I often misunderstand the meaning or miss specific, clarifying words.    –  Asking people to move to a quieter place to talk. Usually all this takes is simply moving myself to a little corner. Speakers will follow without a word because it’s natural to want to be closer when talking to someone.    –  When appropriate, allowing the use of an assistive listening device (ALD). It consists of a receiver with headphones for myself, and a wireless mike for the speaker. This allows the information to transmit directly through the headphones while eliminating most extraneous noises.    –  I often email people with the information I understand, and ask them to verify (in writing and by responding, so I have the original with their response).    – I find it helpful to take literate notes because it keeps me involved in the meeting, so I become the unofficial note taker.    – Telling people to do what I need them to do so I can understand. I never had the confidence to that before that past several years. I just thought I was stupid and should be able to keep up by now.    Sharing John Fetterman's Challenges   So in many ways John Fetterman and I have some of the same challenges. The major difference is that I have been living with mine for many years and my APD will not get better. Because his APD resulted from a stroke, his brain will continue to rebuild and his speech will continue to improve.   And again, here is the link to this really helpful and very long blog by Andrea: https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   One of my favorite ADHD sites is www.AdditudeMag.com and offers these takes on Auditory Processing Disorder plus some self-testing. And by the way, October has been ADHD Month!   "Auditory processing disorder (APD) occurs when the ears and brain are not in sync. This disconnect can cause challenges with differentiating similar sounds.   This disconnect can cause a range of challenges – struggles with auditory discrimination, with listening in noisy environments, with remembering what you’ve heard, and with recalling the sequence of words spoken – that may resemble (and co-occur with) other conditions.   APD may interfere with learning, however it is not correlated with intelligence. It may cause communication difficulties, but it does not show up in traditional auditory tests for hearing loss."   Jill Bolte Taylor’s Personal Experience with a Stroke and Auditory Processing    Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroscientist,had a stroke 26 years ago. Her descriptions of her experience and recovery are fascinating:     “In 1996, at the age of 37, I was a brain scientist at Harvard when I experienced a major hemorrhage in the left half of my brain. Over the course of four hours, my brain completely deteriorated circuit by circuit, ability by ability. After experiencing this rare form of stroke, I lost my ability to walk, talk, read, write and recall any memories from before the event.   Although I was left in a neurologically devastated condition, I did not die that day. After I had brain surgery at Massachusetts General Hospital, it took me eight years to use my understanding of the brain to completely rebuild my neural circuits and recover all lost functions.   In 2008, more than a decade after my stroke, I gave the first TED Talk to ever go viral, I was chosen as one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World, and I was interviewed on Oprah Winfrey’s daytime TV show, alongside Dr. Mehmet Oz.   I can share from experience what having a problem with auditory processing feels like. It’s like there’s a small delay between what you hear and your ability to understand the meaning of what was said.” https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/25/opinion/brain-stroke-recovery-fetterman.html   And Vox offers this information about APD and the use of accommodations:  https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2022/10/15/23403699/john-fetterman-pennsylvania-senate-interview-captions-disability-dasha-burns-mehmet-oz   Thank goodness for the world of accommodations!    Have you have any experiences with Auditory Processing?   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Intention Deficit Disorder – New Kid on the Block

By Elayne Savage, PhD

©Can Stock Photo/Sangoiri

 

I’ve been fascinated by each of my new discoveries about ADHD ever since I realized several years ago that my brain seems to function a little differently and I began to understand that I have been creating ‘work-arounds for school work and projects and chores to help me get by.

 

For years I’ve been taking copious notes during a lecture or training, I make lists constantly and there’s always an array of post-its around my house!. Folks tease me about my lists.

 

Then a few years ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist for a concussion and I started joking around, “Oh that’s just my ADHD!”

She was quick to say, “You think? I can test you.”

 

And guess what, I am ADHD. Now all my work-arounds make perfect sense. I was actually taking good care of myself all those years without knowing why.

 

One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned is how ADHD is often missed in girls. With boys’ often disruptive acting out behaviors teachers spot it in the classroom. But girls get missed because it is more ‘quiet’ – presenting as moodiness/depression and anxiety.

 

I’m always so delighted to make a new ADHD discovery. Actually because I specialize in rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally I figured out decades ago that there seemed to be a connection between these challenges and ADHD. And in the last few years there have been studies linking all this up. There is even a term for it: ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ - RSD.

 

So I’m excited about my most recent ADHD discovery and wanting to share it with you.

I’m on the email list for an absolutely terrific resource, ADDitudeMag.com and spotted this article in a recent edition.

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action

 Psychologist Russell Barkley writes about Intention Deficit Disorder – an ADHD trait that gets in the way of not accomplishing goals.

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a real diagnosis but a term Russell Barkley, Ph.D. uses to describe what he believes is a central struggle of ADHD: difficulty accomplishing goals. Learn how this trait is tied to executive dysfunction, plus ways to meet your goals with action"

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a medical diagnosis but a helpful way to frame a persistent ADHD challenge: the inability to further goals with timely action. Here, learn about the executive function deficits that give rise to “intention deficits,” plus ways to bridge the gap between objectives and tactics.”

 

“Think of ADHD as a performance disorder. People with ADHD know what they need to do, but they struggle – greatly, at times – to transform intention into action, whether that’s preparing for a test or finalizing an important project at work. It’s an issue directly tied to the executive function difficulties inherent in ADHD. And yet, this very real challenge of ADHD is often mistaken for laziness and lack of motivation, which many breed low self-esteem and even depression.”

 

(And I'd like to add so many descriptions come to mind from my observations as a therapist and workplace consultant and from my experiences with my own ADHD: Procrastination, Perfectionism, Ambivalence, Avoidance, Anxiety, Fear of failure and even Fear of Success!) 

I've written lots of blogs on these topics - see the categories archive list on the right side of this page.)

 

On a personal note, it helps me to think of ADHD as related to Intention – and keeps me from getting caught up in the cycle of disappointment that too often feels like rejection.

 

Here are some highlights and tips from Russell Blakely:

 

Unpacking Intention Deficit Disorder: The ADHD Struggle to Perform

Executive Dysfunction Affects Behavior and Performance Executive

1.   Dysfunction Muddles Time

2.   Intention Deficit Turns Everything Into a Crisis

3.   Intention Deficit Looks Like Laziness

 

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Turning Intention Into Action

1. Externalize time by using external representations of time — like calendars, white boards, visual timers

2. Bring the future to the present –– Dividing long-term goals into smaller, contiguous steps is one way

3. Ensure motivation along the way –– some ideas:

• short breaks in between longer bursts of work
• body doubles, or accountability partners
• visualizing rewards and positive outcomes

 

Here is the link for the complete ATTitudeMag.com piece:

bit.ly/3e7K5PY

(By the way, on a personal note: one of my favorite paths to success is working with the company of another person!)

 

And some links to a whole bunch of articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

bit.ly/3KBTETB

 

Would love to hear your responses to all this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Post-Roe: What’s Going to Happen to the Children?

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                 © Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

So many unknowns!

With the safeguards and dignity of Roe being repealed, how many ways will this affect women’s lives and the lives of partners and families?

What will the far-reaching effects be on reproductive health care for everyone?

 • There is concern by medical practitioners about being unable to access medications used for treating ectopic pregnancies and for miscarriage management.

• There has already been denial of treatment for miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and severe pregnancy complications

 

• There is concern about accessing contraceptives.

A hospital in Missouri stopped providing Plan B and other emergency contraceptives. Then they realized they over-reacted and changed their mind.

• There is concern by those families trying to conceive using in vitro fertilization. They fear this ruling will complicate or even limit the procedures.

• This piece by Vox covers a range of concerns about possible changes in the way of life of many in America.

• From Forbes: Overturning Roe V. Wade: Here’s How It’ll Impact Reproductive Healthcare — Beyond Abortion

• From Time Magazine: The Devastating Implications of Overturning Roe Will Go Far Beyond Abortion Patients

• Experts even warn we can expect increased scrutiny and potential criminalization over pregnancy loss. And some fear there will even be a copy-catting of Oklahoma where recently a 19-year-old was arrested after a miscarriage, charged with manslaughter and sentenced to four years in prison. There was a miscarriage manslaughter indictment for an Alabama woman as well .

 

Remembering The Dangerous and Deadly Pre-Roe Years

I clearly remember the pre-Roe years and how scary and dangerous and deadly it was for pregnant women to seek abortion.

AND I have other memories as well: witnessing how dangerous life often was for the children born — unwanted, unloved and uncared for.

I don’t hear many people talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants after birth when parents feel they are unable to competently cope with unintended pregnancies and there had been little or no right to choose bringing a child into the world.

Maybe the parent wanted to finish school and get a job so they can support their new family.

Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Maybe they were raped or sexually assaulted by a family friend or family member.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

 
I know first-hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade.

I guess I saw just about every type of trauma – rejection, neglect, every possible type of abuse, exploitation and abandonment – you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents neglecting, mistreating or abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they were resented and rejected from birth.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

 

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care? Or the child who lives with emotional/physical/sexual abuse or rage, leading to fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

In the over two decades I was a CPS Social Worker I observed so many instances where parents were incapable of being responsible to the well-being of their children.

Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

It wasn’t surprising to learn that many of these parents had experienced these same behaviors and negative messages from their caretakers when they were young children themselves.

Sometimes they were lucky to have a grandma or great grandma or auntie to model care-taking and caring. But too often not.

I’ll never forget the times I watched a young teen mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging them along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

I knew about young children hurting or burning themselves when they were left unattended for several hours.

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or they were wearing unwashed clothes.

I remember one woman teaching her young daughter to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

One particular memory haunts me the most: One day I showed up for a scheduled appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog two miles to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She decided she didn't want the responsibility of this pet any longer.

She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them.

Thinking about that day decades ago still makes me want to cry.

 

                                © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is defined as "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

The list of possible long-term effects of abuse and neglect is pretty much endless:  there are hundreds of facets and sub-facets of challenges with self-esteem and low self-confidence, fear, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, self-rejection, self-sabotage, taking things too personally and ability to trust in work and personal relationships.

It was my work in CPS that led me to realized the overlay of all abuse and neglect is rejection – and how fear of rejection continues throughout their lives and how trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.”

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. There are 16 categories. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 48 in some states!

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

Too often I knew about tweens and teens who became desperate to escape the abuse or neglect at home. So they became runaways and lived on the streets. Sometimes they were trafficked. Often the young girls became pregnant.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about their unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation.

 

Sometimes the only way to be sure we were protecting a child was by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable, willing relative, placing the child in foster care.

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm or sometimes an appropriate recovery program.

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

When caretakers could not provide a safe environment for their children, the children were often placed in foster care homes and eventually long-term foster care.

 

When I was a Long-term Placement Social Worker and was visiting residential facilities, sometimes I came across some of the same children I had removed years before!

 

Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because it still wasn't safe for them to return home.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: Now with safe abortion being repealed as an option what’s going to happen to the children?

When mothers, who for their own good reasons do not want to bring a child into this world at this time, are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments, with appropriate health care and sufficient nutrition?

How can we be sure these babies will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

And then there is the resentment that  grows and grows. Back in the pre-Roe days when delivering a baby was the only allowable choice, there may not have been obvious neglect or abuse of unwanted children, however there was often resentment permeating lives of families I knew.

I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. Or when the birth of that child interfered with educational or professional dreams.

And too often I saw the stresses of expecting a new baby leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra emotional and financial pressure on family members.

And the present system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be removed from the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

When Adoption is Accompanied By Overwhelming Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment

Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice. 

And there certainly would be a bunch of money to be made for folks in the adoption business.

Sometimes I even find myself wondering if adoption might be a 'follow the money' reason for some people to encourage births of unplanned for and unwanted children.

Have you heard how some state legislators are trying to limit abortion from the moment of conception?  And by the way, considering banning most or all forms of contraception?

Would this mean more full-term pregnancies and more babies available for adoption?

Let's try to be aware that there are many emotional considerations regarding adoption. Considerations which would need to be carefully considered in each situation.

For example, the feelings Andrea Ross expresses so well in Huff Post:  'I Was Adopted Before Roe v. Wade. I Wish My Mother Had Been Given A Choice' 

She points out:  "Psychology research shows that women who relinquish their children frequently exhibit signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. And children who have been relinquished frequently develop relinquishment trauma ― a kind of trauma that 'changes an individual’s brain chemistry and functioning ... and can elevate adrenaline and cortisol and lower serotonin resulting in adoptees feeling hypervigilant, anxious, and depressed.' "

Because my work as a therapist focuses on perceived experiences of rejection, I have heard hundreds of stories over the decades from teen and adult clients who, although they love their adoptive parents, have struggled mightily with feeling abandoned by their birth parent(s).

And stories from the other side too: The lasting guilt often felt at giving up a child.

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

First-hand stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate and dangerous times before Roe. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were intentionally falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using coat hangers to try to induce an abortion.

Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but most of us are aware there were way too many botched back-alley needless deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again as more and more states are in the process of deciding we have to go backwards to that dark place.

On a personal level I feel that with the Supreme Court ruling my sense of privacy and security have been tampered with.

That my personal freedom has been violated.

And that, as a woman, I don’t count as a human being on this planet.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

One more important thought: Clearly lots children who are traumatized develop the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

However, studies show :

– The pain of having experienced parental rejection during childhood frequently extends into adulthood;

– Those who suffered parental rejection in childhood tend to develop difficulties forming trusting relationships in adulthood;

– Neurological studies suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain as does physical pain.

Studies also show a connection between childhood rejection, abuse and neglect and juvenile or adult incarceration.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection, a type of shame – affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

Several years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was based on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally.

This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

My book ‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several of the men one by one came up after class and confided:

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

So my question is: with these recent moves in many states to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly down the road even be charged with a criminal offense themselves?

Some of you may recognize parts of this blog from one I wrote a few years ago. With the recent repeal of Roe I really needed to express these concerns again.     

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

How Can Putin Save Face?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / AndreyPopov

 

I’ve been thinking a whole lot lately about 'Saving Face' as world-wide tensions are mounting after attacks on civilians and cities in the Ukraine.

There have been opinion pieces and several TV talking heads pondering just how Putin can feel he is saving face and can he make a graceful exit? Will he agree to negotiate a peaceful resolution or will he fight to the bitter end even if that means Russia goes down in flames as well. 

And now it seems every day heads of state are publicly shaming Putin. Sending him off to sit in the corner.

 

And Putin again and again puffs himself up, attacking Ukrainian cities and killing adults and children.

Here’s how this kind of bully behavior works:

Bullies are usually not feeling very good about themselves. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable. Maybe all of the above.

When the bully inflates himself and takes up all that space, it is with the intention of diminishing his opponent. Putin’s need to diminish, shrivel and devastate Ukraine is pretty apparent here. But along with his acts Putin is at the same time losing respect from much of the world (and very possibly losing self-respect.)

 

I’m wondering if somehow we could offer Putin the opportunity to save face and  save his honor, this war could end. If we could only point him to a graceful exit, could we find a workable solution?

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of 'Managing Face'

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I blogged about it almost a decade ago. Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’:

 

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Do you remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss.  "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

Putin and world heads of state also appear to be engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

 

Lots of press lately about what to do about saving face and Honor:

Yahoo:       We should give Putin a face-saving way out of this war'

Fox News:  Russia is trying to save face after being embarrassed in Ukraine

BBC News: Ukraine: Putin will search for a way to save face - BBC News

 

More info about 'Managing Face':

http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Let’s have a dialogue – what are your ideas for saving face in this terrible situation between Russia and the Ukraine.

What are our own experiences?

You can send me an email at [email protected] or Comment below. . .

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Waiting and Waiting to Hear: “Thank You for Your Good Work!”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / 72soul

A workplace consultation client, let’s call him Mel, and I were taking a deep dive into how often he feels unappreciated for his creativity and contributions at work.

 

We were exploring how disappointed he was by not being validated for his major contributions to four projects that won 5 impressive awards in his field. “I was the sole Instructional Designer on 3 of those projects.”

 

Since I had just been interviewed on professional rejection by the Washington Post’s The Lily outlet, I offered to send him the just published piece.  

 

https://www.thelily.com/everyone-gets-rejected-heres-what-our-readers-learned-from-their-toughest-ones/

 

His response was to say he was struck by how many folks in the sample told stories about how rejection spurred them on to bigger and better successes.

 

Mel realized a High School rejection experience had the opposite effect for him when he wasn’t selected for a National Merit Award. “I decided I would never receive any outside validation because I wasn’t good enough at anything else except doing well on standardized tests.”

 

“I craved validation, I needed to feel legitimized! And I hoped getting that Merit Award would give me a sense of accomplishment.”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / izakowski

 

“Guess I’m still wanting that respect! When my company won those 5 awards no one from upper management reached out to me to say, “Thank you for your good work. That’s a real benefit to our company.”

 

Instead, silence.

 

And sometimes don’t most of us need to feel recognized, legitimized, appreciated, respected?

 

Mel’s reflections got me thinking about my own High School days when I felt Invisible. Unrecognized. Insignificant. Inconsequential. Unappreciated.

 

And I recalled how frequently these early rejecting experiences seemed to follow me into the workplace. There have been so many times when I was hoping someone would pat me on the head and say, “Atta girl!”

 

Most of us have a need to feel worthy and appreciated for who we are and what we do.

 

I encourage workplace and psychotherapy clients to ‘walk alongside themselves’ and observe (without judgment) how their early messages and experiences of disappointment and rejection might be reflected in their present day professional (and personal) experiences.

 

By discovering what those early messages have been and how they might be influencing present-day interactions, we can step back and choose to try out new approaches.

 

There are many facets of rejection and self-rejection. For many of us feeling disrespected usually leads the list. There are all kinds of flavors of feeling ‘dissed’ so I created a ‘Diss List’ of ways we might tend to feel dissed, feel rejected, get our feelings hurt and take something personally:

 

How many of these feelings do you recognize?

 

Can you think of other “diss” feelings we can add to the list?

 

Do you have a story to tell about your own experience with feeling accepted or disappointed and rejected?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

The Self-sabotage Team: Trump, Schiff and Giuliani

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

The news is full of terrific illustrations of self-sabotage. I don’t mean for this commentary to be political, and yet I just can’t resist commenting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                        © Can Stock Photo / Aleutie

I’m thinking of course of the OK-ing of the release of the transcript of President Trump’s phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky. A set-up for criticism.

 

And then, came House Intel Chairman Adam Schiff’s opening statement when he attempted to parody the Trump-Zelensky phone call. Even though he prefaced his statement with “This is the essence of what the president communicates” he then intersperses the transcript with his own phrases, resulting in much confusion, criticism and backlash. Another set-up.

 

And of course we have Rudy Giuliani, our dependably foot-in-mouth TV talking head and the King of Mixed Messages which are set ups as well.

 

In each situation it seems to me there was some cluelessness about how their actions would be received and interpreted. No thought at all to the backlash. Subconscious self-sabotage?

 

Maybe these men didn’t confer with their advisors first before opening mouth and inserting foot. OR maybe they listened to some very bad advice from their advisors. OR maybe each one had a secret agenda for doing what they did.

OR

Maybe they self-sabotaged for the same reason many of us do: a feeling of unworthiness, inadequacy, insecurity, feeling like we don’t deserve the position or the job.

 

Self-sabotage is Self-rejecting Behavior

Self-sabotage happens when self-doubt creeps in. 

 

Have you ever craved the prestige of a position of importance, yet secretly feared you might not have what it takes to get the job done? Maybe you felt a bit insecure. Maybe not quite comfortable with the responsibility. If you think negative thoughts about doing it, you may conjure up some sort of  stumbling block. And then, of course, you don't have to find out if you really are capable.

 

As you can see, lots of subconscious things might be going on.

 

Then again, maybe it’s not self-sabotage at all that causes these gaffes. Maybe it’s lack of experience or dubious judgement. However, these happenings do seem to me like some form of subconscious self-sabotage – so let’s take a look at what this could mean...

 

Clogging Up the Machinery

History offers this intriguing image of how the word ‘sabotage” came to be:

 

You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

 

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

 

Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.

 

Underneath the polished, and successful exterior of many politicians, low self-worth may be lurking. Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy. 

It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be something they are not, they are may feel a huge relief.

 

In the case of President Trump, just maybe, under all the boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and even ashamed. Maybe he keeps reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.

 

Could some of these same underlying motivations be going on for Rep. Schiff and Rudy Giuliani as well?

 

Engaging in risk-taking behavior might be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.

 

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught!
Getting caught is what President Trump accused Adam Schiff of:

 

“Rep. Adam Schiff fraudulently read to Congress, with millions of people watching, a version of my conversation with the President of Ukraine that doesn’t exist.
HE WAS DESPERATE AND HE GOT CAUGHT. Adam Schiff therefore lied to Congress and attempted to defraud the American Public.”

 

Might you, too, might throw your shoes into the machinery at one time or another?

 

Can Stock Photo / abluecup

 

Opposing Voices in Stereophonic Sound



Self-sabotage is often a reflection of ambivalence. By this I mean an internal conflict is playing out - a clash between two opposing voices: "I can. I can't." "I want to. I don't."

 

Might Mr. Trump be feeling some conflict here about being The Prez? Could there be two conflicting messages regarding his desire to be president and his self-doubt about his ability to do a good job?



 

The influence of ambivalence is of course not restricted to politicians and their staffs. When those conflicting voices start reverberating, we manage to find creative ways to sabotage ourselves in our personal and professional relationships. 


 

And by the way, saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the garbage around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?

 

These behaviors easily promote disarray and chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. Sound familiar?

 

Let Me Count the Ways

Over the years I've become quite the expert at sabotaging myself. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone.

 

More times than I can count, I've not listened to that small warning voice, and blurt out something inappropriate.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization!  


 

Now I recheck things before sending them out and I try to plan carefully so I don't mess up.(Sure it’s my ADHD contributing to the errors, however making the time for a careful re-check makes a big difference in my feeling good about myself instead of dismayed because of my errors.)

 

Do you find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about your capability and competence? Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy? Do you ever block our success by working against your own best interests?



 

When we don't listen to our inner voice, we miss opportunities, Or conversely, we might ignore that warning voice that pops us when we are about to say something that could get us into trouble.

 

You know the voice I mean, " The one that says" Best to keep your mouth shut  – now!"

 

And all too often we don't listen. Many of us could sure benefit from developing a good filtering system and personal boundaries.

Sometimes we allow ourselves to be influenced by a friend, advisor, coach, or therapist? "Do this." "Say that," "Write what I suggest." And we find ourselves blindly following their suggestion without thinking it through.

 

Sometimes we don't  consider the repercussions or the effect of our words or actions on others. (As a relationship and workplace coach, I've learned how the misuse of power can be counter-productive. Even though my clients ask for 'advice,' I try to present ideas as 'options' and 'choices.')



 

Maybe there's some ambivalence about getting away with something and a part sort of wants to be found out. It's easy enough to get forgetful and leave materials or devices around that others might find.  


 

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we have a need for self punishment – especially for the litany of times we think we've done something "bad."

 

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.



-  Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.



- Have you made relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment?



- Have you engaged in sloppy business practices, resulting in failure?



- Have you missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough  to your inner voice.



- Might you sometimes seemed to have a need to punish yourself? Maybe even for every "bad" thing you’ve ever done! Self-sabotage is often  the method of choice.

 

Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.

 

Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. We deflect anxiety through avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism and making excuses.

 

Can you think of other ways?

 

When Self-sabotaging Thoughts are Below our Radar

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog or stop your machinery? 

Because  these thoughts are often below our radar we're not aware of them.

 

If you want to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, you have to know you're doing it. If you can't see something, you can't change it.  



 

When you recognize your doubts and fears you begin to understand how they may be affecting your behavior. 



 

By 'walking alongside yourself' and mindfully recognizing and naming your thoughts and actions, you can make a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.



 

Try Asking Yourself:

 

- Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about? What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?

- Which do I fear more – failure or success

-  What's the worst thing that could happen?

 

Then say the answers out loud. Even better to state them out loud to another person.
Hearing yourself say the words helps take the charge off of the fear.



 

Wouldn't it be great to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

After Banning Abortion: What Happens to Children and Families?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

There seems to be a state by state race by legislators to ban and criminalize abortion. But I don’t hear anyone talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants.

Some parents are able to competently cope with unintended pregnancies. Others fear they can’t manage. Maybe they want to finish school and get a job before they start a family. Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

I know first hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade. I guess I saw just about every type of trauma and neglect and abuse and exploitation and abandonment you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents mistreating and abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they resented and rejected.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care and with fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

 

In my CPS years there were many situations I observed where parents were not able to be responsible to the well-being of their children. Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

 

I’ll never forget the day I watched a 14 year old mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging her along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

 

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

 

I knew about young children burned or hurt when they were left unattended for several hours.

 

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or unwashed clothes.

 

I remember one woman teaching her young child to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

 

This memory still haunts me: One day when I showed up for an appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them. Thinking about that day makes me want to cry.

 

    © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

 

The list of possible long-term effects is endless: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives and trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

 

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 46 in some states!

 

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about the unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation. Sometimes the only way to protect a child is by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable relative, placing him or her in foster care.

 

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm.

 

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

 

Years later, when I was a Long-term Placement social worker and was visiting residential facilities, I came across some of the same children I had removed years before. Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because their families were unable to provide a safe enough home environment for them to return to.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: If abortion is banned what’s going to happen to the children? When mothers who do not want to bring a child into this world are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments? How can we be sure they will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

 

(Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice and there certainly is lots of money to be made for some people, however the emotional considerations are huge and would have to be carefully considered.)

 

And resentment often permeated the families I knew. I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. I saw the stress of expecting a new baby sometimes leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw the existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra pressure on family members.

 

And the system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be placed outside of the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

Stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate times before Roe v. Wade. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using instruments like coat hangers, to try to induce an abortion. Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but there were way too many back-alley deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again if the courts decide we have to go backwards to that dark place.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

Clearly lots children who were traumatized developed the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

 

However, studies show a connection between incarceration and childhood abuse and neglect.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

 

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

 

A few years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally. This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

 

‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several told me:

 

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

 

Legislators in some of the states newly banning abortion are admitting the grand plan is that this legal maneuvering will lead to SCOTUS overturning Roe.

 

So with the move to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee these unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly even become criminals themselves?

 

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

 

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

©lolloj - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Do you find yourself guessing what someone might be meaning by their words or actions . . . or inactions? Do you sometimes assume they are really thinking something critical or invalidating or judgmental? And then do dwell for hours on your assumption, trying to decipher the ‘real meaning?’

 

Lately I’ve been hearing lots of stories from clients about serious misunderstandings in their personal or workplace communications. They find themselves trying to guess what someone means when words or behaviors are unclear and confusing. Many aren’t sure how to respectfully check something out, so they don't try. Then they contact me for help in skills for clarifying communication.

 

Over the last 20 years I’ve been terming this guesswork 'filling-in-the-blanks' and I’ve watched hundreds of faces light up in recognition. Yes, lots of us assume meaning. Yes, we belatedly realize we're often mistaken in our assumptions and it can seriously muck up our relationships.

 

Clients report how they misread the intent, take something personally, over-react and complicate the relationship. And it happens in every kind of relationship: with partners and family and friends and in the workplace.

 

When I ask couples or consulting clients on my intake form about “Why did you come into counseling now,” it’s no surprise that the most frequent answer is “communication problems.” And with further exploration it turns out there are way too many assumptions made. Way too much 'Filling in the blanks!'

 

 

The Prism Of Our Misconceptions

 

We tend to see things through the prism of our misconceptions. Our interpretations pass through a filter containing our private storehouse of experiences accumulated since childhood. These early traumatic experiences color our beliefs about our world, the safety

of our world and the people in it.

 

When these experiences are positive we learn to trust intentions of others. If they happen

to be hurtful, rejecting experiences, however, we learn to be wary, protecting ourselves from further hurt.

 

If a painful experience gets triggered, we might find ourselves in the middle of a Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

 

From my 9/30/14 blog post:

 

“Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives . . . . the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions . . . . When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,”

 

(More on Fight, Flight or Freeze Responses)

 

 

‘Filling in the Blanks’ Is a Setup for Feeling Rejected

 

Here's a story I often hear from therapy and consultation clients. It has many variations but basically goes like this:

 

You are walking down the hall or into a conference room. You pass a senior management colleague and you say a big ’hello.” Nothing. No response.

 

What do you tell yourself? Do you find yourself going through your emotional checklist?

 

- “Do they not like me?”

- “Did I do a bad job on that last report?”

- “Oh no, I’m going to be fired.”

 

Fired! How quickly your mind goes there. Fascinating isn't it — how quickly we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt and self-blame and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation. And to make matters worse, we tend to ruminate on these possible misconceptions. Maybe for days!

 

                                                          ©Bialasiewicz - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Wouldn’t it be great to find a way to stop this run-away rejection train? Can you validate your feelings that yes, you are hurt by the seeming ‘diss.’’ Then can you take a moment to ask yourself if maybe there’s a chance you might have misread the situation?

Can you try to remind yourself there is a good chance he or she was so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they didn't notice you?

What would it take to decide to check it out and clarify the situation? After all, the most upsetting answer you could hear would most likely be no worse what you are already telling yourself.

OK so let’s talk about the dynamics and discomfort of the fast-moving rejection train; then let’s take a look at some options for getting back on track.

 Feeling Like the Bull's Eye in a Target

 Isn't it amazing . . .

- how easily we make the situation all about us (when it's often more about the other person.)

- how many times we take someone’s comment or action (or inaction!) as a personal affront.              

 

At these times you may be finding yourself in the center of your universe. In that    center position it’s easy to feel like the bull's-eye in a target -— expecting and waiting for the dart's sting.

 

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / firstp  

When you’re feeling like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's easy to take things personally. And it takes a bit of work to visualize getting out of that center place, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective.

 

The Dance Between Taking Things Personally and Rejection

Perceived rejection pops up in literally hundreds of forms, usually involving feeling ‘dissed’ in some way – from feeling disrespected, to feeling ignored or discounted or dismissed, to feeling judged or criticized or blamed and shamed, to feeling abandoned.

•Taking things personally involves feeling disrespected and rejected.

•Taking things personally involves feeling blamed or slighted or personally attacked.

•Taking things personally, involves getting feelings hurt by misinterpreting the meanings of others, seeing the actions of others as a personal affront, believing someone wants to hurt us.

•Taking things personally involves letting our emotions be controlled by what somebody says or does (or what they neglect to say or do.)

It’s easy to understand how experiencing this kind of hurt leads to efforts toward protecting ourselves from more hurt. Often the tendency is to pull back, even to the point of 'disappearing.' One woman describes how she "goes invisible, contracting into a pinpoint, withdrawing from everybody and everything.”

When you're feeling snubbed, ignored, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose you'll react the next time you see that person? Will you avoid their eyes? Will your hurt show on your face or in your body language? Might they interpret your reaction as judgment or disdain? Or will it look like 'attitude' to them?

Or to complicate matters even more, they may sense your withdrawal as a rejection of them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They might try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. They might start thinking something like:

- "Did I just say or do something stupid?"

- "Maybe they don't want to be around me anymore."

- “Maybe I neglected to ask about something important.”

- “Why is s/he pushing me away?”

As a self-protection they might seem to be closed off and protected rather then open and available.

Then, ask yourself how might you react to how you perceive them?

Hopefully things you can talk out feelings before feelings get too hurt. As more time goes by, both participants might build protective walls around themselves, keeping the other out. Maybe each person feels confused and hurt. Can you see how negative reciprocity might begin to develop?

The longer the hurt feelings go on, the harder it is to get back on track. You don't know what to say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship can become strained. You both might start feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum. Or can’t look them in the eyes when you do see them. Then they may start filling in the blanks and telling themselves you are ignoring them.

Feeling ignored feels like disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection and it’s hard not to take it personally.

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment, leaving no space left for connection.

Getting Off that Runaway-Rejection Train

The first step is to remind yourself there might be a misunderstanding about the meaning and intent of the other person, so ask yourself. “Could I be filling in the blanks?”

Next consider ways these confusing behaviors can get addressed, checked out and clarified. There’s so much at stake. What would it take to clear the air? What are your options here?

You can start by taking a deep breath and initiating a conversation about what you thought happened.

You can make an attempt to deal directly with the issue and the person. The idea of 'confronting' is surely scary for most of us. However, think of it as ‘confronting the situation’ which is not the same as confronting the person.’

For example, in our first story: can you take a deep breath, mention that you noticed they didn’t respond to your ‘hello’ and ask an open-ended question like “Is everything OK.”

In a situation that has become strained, you could consider identifying and addressing the awkwardness that has seemed to develop.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same for you? I value our relationship and would like for it to get back on track. Can we talk about how we can make this happen?" At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

                                               ©iqoncept - Can Stock Photo Inc. 

A Quick and Easy Tip for Checking Things Out

 As you probably have guessed, I’ve jumped way to fast into assumptions and presumptions much of my life. Over the last few years I developed a basic 3-step model for checking things out so I’m not ‘filling in the blanks’ so often.

This model can be tailored to lots of situations:

✔1 - “This is what I heard you say ________________”

✔2 - “Is it what you said?”

✔3 - “Is it what you meant?“

In the case of feeling hurt by behavior rather then someone’s words:

✔1 - “This is what I noticed _____________.”

✔2 - “Is it what you think happened as well?’

✔3 - “Is it what you intended?”

This tip is an simple entree to creating essential conversations with someone you care about . . .

 

Do you, too, have stories and experiences with ’filling in the blanks’ to share?

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

The Back Story:

For months I’ve had a this recurring visual image prancing around my head – Donald Trump standing in his crib in diapers, smearing the walls with poop, making a big mess.

So I asked Barbara Dale, one of my favorite cartoonists, to illustrate my visual idea for this blog. It has been lots of fun collaborating with her . . .

 

I

llustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.

Poop smearing is great fun for toddlers but hugely exasperating for parents cleaning up the mess. Think of the supplies of Lysol, Clorox Wipes and Mr. Clean Erasers they have to stock up on.

To the parents this behavior represents disarray, chaos, impulsiveness, unruliness and willfulness and, yes, parents tend to take it personally.

Child development experts advise poop smearing is pretty normal and may be a way of expressing feelings of frustration and anger and counteracting helplessness and powerlessness. And for sure it gets attention when the parents freak out.

On the positive side this fascination with poop might indicate a readiness for potty training and thankfully by the age of 3 or 4 they outgrow the need to smear.

 

Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction

Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.

Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.

Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”

Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.

Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.

Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control-non-stop lying.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying

Fraiberg also makes the point that the child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. 

 

Residing in the Center of Your Universe

 As adults we may also find ourselves in the center of our universe, especially when we are taking something personally –– seeing ourselves as the target of slights or personal attacks.

For some, residing in the center of their universe can involve entitlement, specialness, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, a craving for attention and adoration, the inability to empathize, and having a bloated sense of self-worth. Are you recognizing all this as traits being written lately describing narcissism?

Trouble is, for many, being in the center of the universe usually includes having a false sense of self-worth. In fact, they have a need to puff themselves up because under all the self-hype they’re really feeling full of self-doubt and self-rejection with a tendency toward self-destructing by repeated self-sabotage.

When self-esteem is this low it is too humiliating and shameful to admit we made a mistake or were wrong. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions we tend to smear the bad feelings around by blaming others or by projecting our dark thoughts, vulnerabilities and fears onto others.

(Most recently I wrote about psychological projection last month in 'Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection': "Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.")

Because blaming ourselves is an easy self-rejecting place to go to, it becomes difficult or impossible to take responsibility for our actions.

I’m always reminding my coaching and psychotherapy clients: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself."

 

Saboteurs and Provocateurs

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior and mostly happens when self-doubt creeps in.

The definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper, hurt or undermine a cause.'

History offers this intriguing image of how the word came to be:

You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. During the Industrial Revolution discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it.

The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling.’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.

Just maybe, under all the President’s self-aggrandizement, grandiosity, self-importance and boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and ashamed. Maybe he can’t keep from reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught! Could it be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.

Saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the shit around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?

These behaviors easily promote chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. And by the way this is probably exactly how parents feel each time they walk into their toddler’s room and find the walls smeared with feces.

 

Self-Respect Instead of Self-Reject

Wouldn't it be great if we could become our own best supporter instead of our worst saboteur? Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose not to make messes, and avoid stepping in them?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could give ourselves some self-respect instead of self-reject?

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to have self-respect as a model of behavior from our leader?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

From Self-reject to Self-respect

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Maybe it’s the insults flying through the air in every direction. I’m hearing consulting and psychotherapy clients describe how disturbed they are by the barrages of personal attacks, ridicule, insults, accusations, rants and taunts from this season’s crop of presidential candidates.

This name-calling is cringe-worthy when it reminds me of my childhood bullying and teasing that so often brought on self-doubt and self-rejection.

It’s painful to watch the desperation in the air as each of these candidates are grasping at straws, grasping at extreme ideas, grasping at excuses, coverups, exaggerations and lies.

These desperate maneuvers remind me of the times I have felt desperate in my life. I start remembering how embarrassed I’ve felt when it results in puffing myself up, foolhardy ideas, truth-stretching and wild-eyed accusations.

When Our Impressions are Discounted Repeatedly
We Learn to Discount Ourselves As Well

Denials and dismissals of what we perceive to be true feels surreal and crazy-making. We begin to doubt our own impressions of experiences. We begin to doubt our ability to trust our perceptions – and ourselves.

Some of us  grew up with people telling us we didn't see or hear something: "That didn't happen." "You must have made it up." "I didn't say that -- you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification' . . .  an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" what is really going on and being experienced. It leads to inability to discriminate the actual issues because there is a substitution of false issues for the real issues.   

Interestingly, the article Laing wrote begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

(More on Mystification in the links below.)

I don't like being fooled.

It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of how rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings invalidated.

When our impressions are discounted repeatedly we learn to discount
ourselves as well. This self-doubt leads to self-rejection.  

Based on what my clients are telling me, this campaign name-calling is leading to them finding themselves more sensitive than usual to disrespect and rejection. So many clients have been absorbing the negativity of the campaigning and turning it back on themselves. It is triggering old self-rejection messages for them:

“I blurt out ‘Stupid!’ even when I make a small mistake.”
“I feel like a failure, like a loser – I can’t do anything right”
“I’m flawed, defective – like there is something missing."  

Let’s take a look at ways perceived rejection impacts self-doubt, self-rejection and self-esteem.

Even though some of these ideas might be familiar to you, this ‘Through-the-Rejection-Lens’ focus may offer a different perspective and provide some missing pieces to the rejection puzzle.

Magnifying Mistakes

Too often we take disappointments  personally, inflating and distorting our missteps. We stamp our foreheads: “failure” or “bad” or “unworthy.” In the moment we forget our ability to make corrections.

Wouldn’t it be a relief to be able to put less energy into these debilitating thoughts and to be able to respect our strengths rather than zooming in on our shortcomings?

Negative Messages Stockpile

So how do we manage to do such a flawless job of rejecting and disrespecting ourselves?

Over the years tones and inflections, words and phrases pile up. These subtle and not-so-subtle messages may come from parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, coaches, baby-sitters, or neighbors.

Maybe they were intended, maybe not. Nevertheless these emotional welts and bruises are hurtful, rejecting and cause un-erasable wounds.

To a child many experiences can be traumatic They can range from feeling ignored, invalidated and discounted to physical or sexual mistreatment and to threats of (or actual) abandonment.

Teasing, cynicism, and sarcasm have undertones of anger and we perceive them as rejecting. Then, too, there is verbal battering such as belittling, shaming, criticizing, or publicly humiliating a child.

Rejection doesn’t only arise from harsh words or actions. It’s also present in demeaning looks or tones of voice.

Many of us buy into the “shoulds" and “if only’s” – those self-critical, second-guessing messages we manufacture: "If only I had done it better, differently, more quietly, more quickly, more perfectly."

How we explain these early rejection feelings to ourselves constitutes the messages we carry into our adult years. These messages color our beliefs about ourselves, the safety of our world and our trust of the people in it.

These rejection messages become self-rejecting beliefs hampering us in developing the ability to bounce back from hurts and disappointments. Too often replays of these early messages control our behaviors in personal and workplace relationships.  

They become an integral part of our being. Seems we would be glad to be rid of them, yet they offer a kind of security because they are familiar and give a sense of order and organization to our experiences. So we tend to hold on tightly.

As Sheldon Kopp suggests in If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him we prefer “the security of known misery to the misery of unfamiliar insecurity.”

Walking Alongside Yourself . . .

It’s exciting to be working with psychotherapy and coaching clients as they begin to step back from their shame and self-blame and begin to realize they can make choices about the messages they tell themselves as well as how long they dwell on these messages.  

I call it “walking alongside yourself,” mindfully noticing and naming what just transpired.

Observing provides objectivity and opens up space for making choices such as going back to the fork in the road and trying out another path. The hard part is observing without judgment – in other words, practicing mindfulness.

Noticing old triggers that replay – such as feeling left out, treated unfairly, dismissed, invisible, judged, taken advantage of, betrayed –– allows the chance to choose to make a change.

When thoughts or behaviors remain blind spots, how can you choose to change something you can’t see?

Tips for Transforming Self-rejection into Self-acceptance

- Ask yourself, “Am I taking this personally and feeling rejected in some way?”
- Ask yourself, “Am I setting myself up for disappointment by trying to read someone’s mind or expecting them to read mine?”
- Separate the ‘Then’ from the ‘Now.’ Certain childhood beliefs may no longer carry their earlier power.
- Walk alongside yourself, noticing and naming. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for options.
- Keep reminding yourself that you do have choices.
- Don’t presume or fill in the blanks — check things out.
- Check in with yourself about your personal boundaries.
- Remind yourself there is a difference between needs and neediness.
- Ask yourself what you want or need each day and from whom.
- Practice asking directly for what you need.
- Ask about the other person’s needs.
- Remember that allowing vulnerability is a strength. It’s very different from feeling vulnerable.
- Remind yourself if you’re uncomfortable in a situation you can take a time-out.
- Practice making eye contact and saying “thank you” to compliments.

This ‘reminder’ helps me out when negativity creeps in: “Try self-respect instead of self-reject.” It’s a handy tool to grab when I need it!

And another helpful reminder for respecting your Self:

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself.
They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty;and your purpose when you are confused.

                                                                              ~ African Saying

I'd love your comments about the ideas presented here. Does the tone of campaigning affect you as well.

You can post in the 'comments' section on the blogsite or email me at [email protected]

Some more information for you:

 On Self-rejection:
“Am I Not Good Enough”
http://bit.ly/1UmTkaQ

“Rewriting the Messages of Childhood”
http://bit.ly/1UmTz5w

“Traveling Back in Time - From Self-rejection to Self-acceptance”
http://bit.ly/WZtL0S

On Mystification:
“You Didn’t Hear What You Thought You Heard”
http://bit.ly/1P9BN74

R.D. Laing’s academic article
“Mystification, Confusion & Conflict
http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm

More on Self-Rejection in my blog archives
TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage, PhD

E\

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Don’t Be Telling Me What I Need to Do!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Have you happened to notice lately how the comment “You need to” is hugely popular?

 

Campaigning politicians use it constantly. Headlines are everywhere online. I hear it from friends and colleagues.

 

Actually, I can’t stand the implication that I “need to” do something.

 

I don’t need to do anything. I don’t need to vote in a certain way. I don’t need to think in a certain way. I don’t need to conduct my business the way other folks think I should. I don’t need to read a certain book or article.

 

Nor should I do something. Or do I have to. Or got to.

Curious, I googled “need to” on a news website and was amazed that there are hundreds of entries in just the last few days – mostly in online news headlines. “You should” runs a close second, followed by “you must” and “have to” and “got to.”

Here are a few randomly chosen examples:

You Need to  . . .

Here’s What You Need to Do about . . .

What You Need to know About . . .

5 (6,8,10)Things you Need to know about . . .

The Pictures You Need to See

Why you Need to . . .

5 (6,8,10) Things You Should Never Say to . . .

What You Should Know About . . .

Why You Should Get . . .

The One Thing You Should Never Do   

Why You Should Always . . .

Why You Should Never . . .

5 (6,8,10) Things You Must Do . . .

You Must Try . . .

You Must Read . . .

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

All these “need tos” and “shoulds” are totally pushing my rebellious adolescent buttons. Unless I specifically ask someone for advice, I don’t want to be told what to do. And it feels like my personal boundaries are being infringed upon.

As you’ve probably guessed, “shoulds” have invaded my life since I was a child.

I used to spend a lot of time dwelling on, “I should do this or “I should think that” or "I should do better"  I guess I was always striving to be the ‘good girl,’ attempting to do what I thought was expected of me and not disappoint.

(And because I grew up in a family of “shoulds” and “need tos” I’m sure I, too, have sprinkled my own vocabulary with some of that  –– before I became aware of it.)

As a child whenever I thought I had failed, I’d find myself caught up in a cesspool of “shoulds’ and self-incrimination.  

Finally I realized I was putting wa-a-a-y too much negative energy into these ‘shoulds.” Each time I’d compare myself to others or say to myself, “I should have done . . .”  I was scolding myself and it quickly turned into a judgment, criticism and self-rejection.

It did take some work, but now I can usually catch my ‘shoulda, woulda coulda’ thinking before it turns negative on me.

For over 25 years I’ve been able to help coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants revisit the problems those “shoulds” create in their personal and workplace lives.

I hear far too many stories from clients about their reactions to being told by professionals – therapists, coaches, counselors, teachers, managers – that they “should” or “need to” do something or think in a certain way.

And if the client or student decides not to do as advised, sometimes they describe how the professional becomes upset with them. I guess you could say they were taking it personally that their advice wasn't being embraced. It seems they get overly invested in the outcome.

It happens with friends, too. A friend gives advice but it doesn’t work for the one receiving it. The advice giver feels rejected, takes it personally and sometimes even limits or ends(!) the relationship.

Stories like these are painful to hear.
 
In my work with clients, I consider my ideas to be more in the realm of presenting options and enhancing skills for navigating difficult situations, rather than ‘giving advice.”

Indeed, there have been times when I’ve said “you need to” to workplace coaching clients when they have felt harassed or otherwise unsafe in their jobs.

When the work environment becomes physically or emotionally unhealthy and the people in charge are not adequately protecting, I find myself doing something I would otherwise not do: I say “This is what you need to do to protect yourself and be safe.” Then together we strategize ways to carry out realistic safety measures, including reporting to higher ups in the workplace.

I turn it over to the client to choose if any of the ideas we come up with will work for them.

Tips for Dealing with Our “Shoulds”

– A good way to disengtangle from the “shoulds” is to separate the ‘then’ of the past from the ‘now’ of the present.
You might ask yourself:   “What messages did I receive in my early years about ‘shoulds?’” “How are these messages affecting me now?”

- Try walking alongside yourself and noticing the times you find yourself thinking “I should.” Observing gives you some objectivity and opens up space for making choices.

- Can you imagine yourself noticing the path you are traveling, then going back to the fork in the road and trying out another path?

I know I can be quirky sometimes, but am I alone in being so bothered by these phrases or do they sometimes affect you as well?  If so, how?
Do you have any stories to tell?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Saving Face or Losing Face?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I started thinking a lot about 'Saving Face' when world-wide tensions were mounting after the devastating chemical attack on civilians in Syria. You'll recall there was lots of talk about a red line in the sand, the possibility of US air strikes over Syria and threats of retaliation.

John Kerry's off-the-cuff remark on how to avoid a military strike by the US was immediately followed by Russia's offer to put Assad’s poison gas stocks under international control. And when the UN Secretary General jumped on board and it was decided the UN would dismantle Syria's chemical arsenal.

Isn't it amazing how quickly they found a workable solution once it became possible to 'Save Face?'

And now the world's eyes are on Washington where those involved seem to be desperately looking for a way to 'Save Face.'

Again we are facing high stakes. This time it is in the U.S. Congress. I'm intrigued with the Chinese concept of 'Managing Face,' and I'm hoping lawmakers can learn something from this.

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, and disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi')  means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss.  "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

In Washington our government is also engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

These concepts of course are bigger than the Washington skirmishes. Would love to hear your ideas and experiences on Saving Face – in your personal and workplace situations. You can send me an email  at [email protected] or Comment below . . .

More info about Managing Face:
http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

When Media Icons Get Fired

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

"You're fired!"


"We won't be needing your services anymore."

"We're canceling your show."

How can you hear those words and not to take it personally? Especially if it feels unfair or there's been a betrayal of trust. Most especially if you didn't see it coming.

It's hard not to feel victimized.

Chances are you are feeling 'dissed' as well -– disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disposed of. Each of these is a form of rejection.

It's a Long Fall for Icons

Recently we've watched  several media icons fall or get tossed off their pedestals.

- George Zimmer unceremoniously ousted by The Men's Wearhouse board of directors.

- Paula Deen sabotaging her career with thoughtless musings reflecting her Southern heritage and being fired multiple times: by the Food Network, Walmart, Caesars Entertainment, Smithfield Foods, Target, Home Depot, and  diabetes drug maker Novo Nordisk.

- Brian Williams feeling "insulted" that NBC dropped his show, 'Rock Center.'

- Neal Conan making it clear NPR's  decision to cancel Talk of the Nation was not  his idea.

And when the firing is so public, the hurt and anger most likely intensify.

All Fired Up About Getting Fired

Have you ever been fired? Did you take it personally? What kind of emotions do these recent rash of firings bring up for you?

A long time ago I was fired from a Medical Social Worker job at a major hospital. They gave two reasons; My supervisor ordered me to address a 15 year old as  "Mr. Jones."
I thought it was a ridiculous request and flat-out refused. She wrote me up.

The other charge was more legitimate I guess: I neglected to write a piece of information in our records before I went out of town for three days, even though I had informed the doctors and nurses on the ward.

Did my firing feel unfair? Yes.  Did I feel unsupported and betrayed by people I worked with? Yes. Was I angry and resentful? Yes. Did I feel victimized? Absolutely.

I've been thinking a lot about victimhood lately. Feeling like a victim is a place I used to go to quickly – especially when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't take much for me to find myself right back in that helpless childhood place where new hurts pile on old ones. And old experiences seem to come out of the woodwork: secrecy, betrayal, lack of support and accusations that my perceptions are wrong.

I wasn't aware of my victim-y behavior until a coworker pointed it  out to me.  Of course I denied it, but on reflection, he was absolutely right. From that time on, I've been mostly able to spot this tendency in myself. I can usually make a conscious decision not  to repeat the victim routine. Although, truth be told, I still can do a pretty good job of  feeling sorry for myself. Guess an occasional pity party feels like home!

Romany Malco on Victimhood

Recently I was able to contribute some ideas to a touching blog on victimhood. Romany Malco (aka Tijuana Jackson) wrote about difficult childhood experiences. He asks: " what distinguishes the victim who manages to transcend his/her trauma(s) and go on to lead a love-filled, purpose-driven existence from one who chooses a more counterproductive (sometimes self-destructive) life?"

Read more: http://bit.ly/1bzJDwX

In response to Malco's question about victimhood, I see it this way: The big difference is the empowerment that comes from knowing we have choices – recognizing we are walking down that victim path and knowing we can decide to  try out another road. Making choices is being proactive, rather than passive. It can be a powerful, exhilarating feeling—and so freeing.

You may already be familiar with Portia Nelson’s “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters."  For my own sense of well-being, I like to re-read it every so often.

I


I walk, down the street.
   

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
   

I fall in
   

I am lost . . . I am helpless


It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II


I walk down the same street.
   

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
   

I pretend I don’t see it.
   

I fall in again.


I can’t believe I am in the same  place.
but, it isn’t my fault.


It still takes a long time to get out.

III


I walk down the same street.
   

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
   

I see it is there.
   

I still fall in . . . it’s a habit.
   

my eyes are open.


I know where I am.


It is my fault.


I get out immediately.

IV


I walk down the same street.
   

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
   

I walk around it.

V


I walk down another street.



© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage

When Showoffmanship Becomes Self-Sabotage

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been planning to write another blog about self-sabotage . . . and then it just about wrote itself when the best ever revealing examples materialized during Gov. Romney's trip to Great Britain, Israel and Poland.

My purpose is not to make a political statement here, but I can't resist using these recent terrific illustrations of self-sabotage.

When Showoffmanship Becomes Self-Sabotage

It's easy to self-sabotage. Just open mouth, insert foot. And showing off is a sure-fire way of accomplishing this.

The Romney campaign's pre-journey press release emphasized how his three country trip was intended to boost his foreign policy credentials. His aides expressed hope the tour would offer opportunities for Gov. Romney to show statesmanship and demonstrate he can be an effective world leader. His aides stated his travel abroad was to "learn and listen."

Unfortunately Mr. Romney's  'learn and listen' intention quickly turned into 'self-importance and showoffmanship.'

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

You've probably heard the stories too many times, so I'll briefly summarize how these incidents look a lot to me like self-sabotage. Mitt Romney offended his British hosts when he questioned whether London sufficiently prepared for the Olympics. I suppose when you've been Chief Executive of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games you may think you know a little something about organizing the event - and you probably do.

But why choose to puff yourself up by showing your superior knowledge in a way that makes your hosts look inadequate? Unless the need to show off takes precedence over good sense.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot  – Yet Again

The next stop was Israel where Gov. Romney made a statement about differences in the Palestinian and Israeli cultures. Seems to me making this kind of comparison assumes you've done some research. But then again, a little knowledge goes a long way in getting us into trouble - especially when we are showing it off.

Making comparative statements about cultures is a sure-fire way of offending people. Surely not the wisest diplomatic comment if you're trying to be President of the United States.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot  – Third Time's a Charm

And then came Poland. That's the place where Rick Gorka, Mitt Romney's traveling spokesperson, became irritated by a reporter's questions and yelled out to the press corps (and the world)  “kiss my a**” and “shove it.”Was Gorka imitating his boss and showing off? Was he puffing himself up and bullying? He managed to anger the press - not a great way to endear yourself or the candidate you are spokesperson for. Sure looks like another example of sabotaging behavior.

It seems Mr. Romney and his aides managed to get quite a few people to feel slighted and take things personally during this foreign tour. That's unfortunate because it would have been a fine opportunity for this presidential hopeful to show his presidential-ness and prowess at diplomacy. Instead, his showoffmanship backfired and ends up looking a lot like self-sabotage. 

Opposing Voices in Stereophonic Sound

Self-sabotage is often a reflection of ambivalence. By this I mean an internal conflict is playing out - a clash between two opposing voices: "I can. I can't." "I want to. I don't." Might Mr. Romney be feeling some conflict here about being The Prez? Could there be two conflicting messages regarding his desire to be president and his self-doubt about his ability to do a good job?

Have you ever craved the prestige of a position of importance, yet secretly feared you might not have what it takes to get the job done? Maybe you felt a bit insecure. Maybe not quite comfortable in your own skin. If you think negative thoughts about doing it, you may conjure up some sort of  stumbling block. And then, of course, you don't have to find out if you really are capable.

The influence of ambivalence is of course not restricted to politicians and their staffs. Nor is it only showoffmanship that can trip us up. When those conflicting voices start reverberating, we manage to find creative ways to sabotage ourselves in our personal and professional relationships.

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. It happens when self-doubt creeps in.
The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'

My favorite description of 'sabotage' is the intriguing image that history offers.

Origins of "Sabotage" – Clogging Up the Machinery

You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

Over the years I've become quite the expert at sabotaging myself. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone. More times than I can count, I've not listened to that small warning voice, and blurt out something inappropriate.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things before sending them out and I try to plan carefully so I don't mess up.

Do you find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about your capability and competence? Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy? Do you ever block our success by working against your own best interests?

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our health and well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves. And we get pretty good at it too!

Have you ever pushed yourself so hard bicycling or running or on the treadmill that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for a week or two? Could this be a form of self-sabotage?

When we don't listen to our inner voice, we miss opportunities, Or conversely, we might ignore that warning voice that pops us when we are about to say something that could get us into trouble. You know the voice I mean, " The one that says" Best to keep your mouth shut  – now!" And all too often we don't listen. Many of us could sure benefit from developing a good filtering system.

Sometimes we allow ourselves to be influenced by a friend, advisor, coach, or therapist? "Do this." "Say that," "Write what I suggest." And we find ourselves blindly following their suggestion without thinking it through. Sometimes we don't  consider the repercussions or the effect of our words or actions on others. (As arelationship and workplace coach, I've learned how the misuse of power can be counter-productive. Even though my clients ask for 'advice,' I try to present ideas as 'options' and 'choices.')

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught. Maybe there's some ambivalence about getting away with something and a part sort of wants to be found out. It's easy enough to get forgetful and leave materials or devices around that others might find. 

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we have a need for self punishment – especially for the litany of times we think we've done something "bad."

Because  these thoughts are often below our radar we're not aware of them. If you want to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, you have to know you're doing it. If you can't see something, you can't change it. 

When you recognize your doubts and fears you begin to understand how they affect your behavior.

For many of us self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. We deflect anxiety through avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism and making excuses. 

By 'walking alongside yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and actions, you can make a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Try Asking Yourself:

- Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about? What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?
- Which do I fear more – failure or success?
-  What's the worst thing that could happen? Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person. Hearing yourself say the words helps take the charge off of the fear.

Wouldn't it be great to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com

or email me at:
[email protected]

Until next month,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 

"Am I Not Good Enough?"

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 "It's hard not to take it personally. You worry, 'Am I not good enough?'" lamented Ann Curry in an unfortunately timed interview with Ladies Home Journal on the eve of her sudden departure from NBC's "Today" show.

These magazine excerpts emerged just as rumors were flying about her impending separation from the show. There had already been harsh press, even blaming her for the "Today" ratings drop. With the combination of criticism and rumors, Curry instantly became a poster child for rejection – in a very embarrassing and public way.

"Am I not good enough?"

Have you, too, asked yourself this question? Have you dwelled on similar judgments and criticisms? Have you been embarrassed publicly?

Like many of you, "Am I not good enough?" is a question I've asked myself throughout my life.

For me, it symbolizes all the times I've been unsure of myself, when I question my abilities, when I second-guess myself. It captures the self-doubt I've felt since I was a little girl.

"Am I not good enough?"

Like many of you, I thought I'd outgrown much of the pain of these early experiences. I, too, sometimes find myself again asking, "Am I not good enough?" It happened when I felt thrown under the bus by someone I believed in and trusted to respect my well-being.

Have you ever felt the same?

"Am I not good enough?"

This question symbolizes the times many of us feel "dissed" in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or disposed of. You know – all the "diss" words I so often write about that are connected to rejection and taking things personally:
http://www.queenofrejection.com/article1.htm

If this sounds like victim-y thinking to you, you're right! When this happens to me I've learned to notice how I was contributing to creating my disappointments. I saw how some of the situations I found myself in were set-ups for failure. Once I was able to notice, I could try to change it by taking responsibility for my part.

It helps to check some things out:
  •   Are my expectations unrealistic?
  •   Is my vision of myself distorted?
  •   Am I unrealistic about who I am and what I can accomplish?
  •   Am I looking to the wrong people for support?
  •   Am I being direct in asking for what I need, or do I sometimes hope         someone will read my mind?

Sometimes we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past. Unfortunately we tend to expect the same in the future.

We tend to collect injustices which stockpile and fester:
  •  "It's not fair!"
  •   "I don't deserve this."
  •   "How can you do this to me?"

When a new injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. All of those early feelings of inadequacy and self-rejection get reawakened.

These early perceived rejecting messages might come from family, peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of friendship. Or from failed romantic relationships.

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen, Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
    "What makes you think you can do that?"
    "Who do you think you are?"

These cumulative experiences affect how we see ourselves and how we cope with present day disappointments.

Taking Disappointment Personally

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down – reality is a hard landing place.

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks.
Who among us hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

Often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

And Back to Ann Curry and the "Today" show . . .

It's hard for most of us not to take criticism and disappointment personally.

For many of us questioning whether we are good enough comes from early experiences from family, peers teachers, coaches, or relationship failures. Perhaps this is true of Ann Curry as well.

Like many of you, I found myself identifying strongly with Ann Curry's distress – which prompted me to write this piece.

I know what it's like to be disappointed in myself and in others. To feel not supported by those important to me. To feel blamed when others won't take responsibility for their own actions.To feel betrayed. To be publicly embarrassed and humiliated. We all know how awful these kinds of feelings can be.

Over the years I've asked myself many times, "Am I not good enough." But I kept it to myself. It was a long time before I could say it out loud. And now I'm able to say it publicly. 

So, thanks Ann Curry for inspiring me to write this piece . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I'd love to hear your thoughts. I encourage you to post your experiences under 'comments' on this blog - or send me an email - [email protected]

Until next month,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Rewriting the Messages of Childhood

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Wendy Wasserstein was the first woman playwright to win a Tony Award, and a Pulitzer as well for 'The Heidi Chronicles.'

She died of lymphoma in 2006. She was 55 years old.

In Julie Salamon's 'Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Uncommon Life of Wendy Wasserstein' we understand how the onslaught of childhood rejection messages affected the woman she grew into.

Wendy's Story - "Look at That Fat Girl"

The mother, Lola Wasserstein, pushed Wendy to succeed yet undermined her with criticism. The book describes how, walking down the street together, Lola Wasserstein might point to the crowd and inform her daughter, “They are all looking at you and thinking, ‘Look at that fat girl.’

It's no surprise that Wendy had a life-long discomfort with her body.

Any of us who grew up with family secrets can relate to how it must have felt for Wendy to learn as an adult that there was a fifth brother who was never spoken about. First-born Abner had been sent away to an institution years earlier.
 
Wendy grew up shrouding herself in her own secrets. She made friends easily and people felt connected to her, yet Salamon writes that she used “humour as a dodge, intimacy as a smoke screen.” She had great difficulty connecting with friends on an authentic level. Her closest friends wondered how well they knew her. She had a baby at age 48, never revealing the identify of the father.

Wendy was the youngest of five born to Polish immigrant parents who had big dreams for their children. And surely they were ultra-achievers.

Sandra, the eldest, became a high-ranking corporate executive. She died at age 60, a few years before Wendy's death. Georgette, the middle daughter, became the successful owner of a large country inn in Vermont. Bruce was a billionaire investment banker who died in 2009 at age 61. His death was surrounded by secrecy as was much of his life. Another testimony to the power of the childhood messages he grew up with.

Let's take a look at how the experiences we have in childhood can affect our personal and professional lives as adults. And then consider what we can do to change that.

Wendy Wasserstein once said: "Sometimes if you can create order out of experiences, it lets you pass through them."

The stories below happen to be messages from families. Some of the most damaging messages, however, come from teachers and peers.

Hannah's Story - "They'll Find Out I'm an Imposter"

Hannah's mother would say, "What makes you think you can do that?" And Hannah tried so hard to please her, but the response would be "you didn't do a good enough job - you really disappoint me."

Is it any surprise that Hannah, a successful consultant, becomes overly anxious before each client meeting. She tells  herself: I'll disappoint them for sure. I won't be as good as they expect me to be."

Our work together concentrates on how she can build on her successes and not automatically jump to those negative messages from childhood. We focus on the situations where she has been effective. Doing a good job no longer has to be dependent on her impossible-to-please-mother! What would it take for her to stop taking that old message so personally?

Ryan's Story - "I Feel Like the End of the Food Chain"

"'That idea is foolish' my mother would say." My needs or style were never honored. I was expected to do things their way. To think like them. I never had a say. I felt invisible and inadequate."

And this situation is recreated often in Ryan's contract work interactions. Once again he feels powerless, afraid to rock the boat with clients, hearing the old childhood refrain in his head: "Don't upset your mother." These days this translates to, "Don't upset the client."

Related to this is the childhood injunction: "Don't questions us - it's disrespectful."

This means Ryan had to guess the meaning when it was not clear. And in his family, communication was often murky - full of undefined meaning.

You can imagine how this plays out in his dealing with clients who are fuzzy in communicating their ideas and goals for a project. "It's sure hard to keep persevering and go after direct answers when the message of 'Questioning is bad' plays in my head."

Working together our job is to find ways for Ryan to move past those powerful growing up messages. To separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Can Ryan remind himself that as a young person he felt he did not have options for responding. Can he remind himself that as an adult he does have the power of choice. If only he can stay in the  present and not get overwhelmed by the past.

Julia's Story - "I Feel Obligated To Take Care of Others"

"My mother's message to me was 'You don't need a romantic relationship or friends. You have me.' And in fact she was my drinking buddy when I was in high school. I took care of her then. And I still do.

"I guess I feel obligated to take care of others. I can see how I choose under-functioning boyfriends that I can 'save.'" Then my own needs get lost and I'm not taking very good care of myself.

We looked at how Julia can nurture herself. She decided to concentrate on healthful ways of doing this: Long walks with a friend, yoga classes, regular massages, eating mindfully.

Providing a Mirror

I'm curious what kinds of rejection, non-acceptance messages were passed down throughout the generations in the Wasserstein family. It's fascinating to show my clients how to diagram a 3-generational Genogram, noting the spoken (and unspoken) messages that are passed down.

'Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China.' is one of my most popular workshops (and a section in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!').
She and grandpa also pass down family traditions, attitudes, beliefs, myths, scripts, roles, rules, expectations, disappointments, and rejection messages. And if we're lucky, we get a dose of acceptance, respect  and validation as well.

Every day in my relationship and workplace coaching practice I hear similar stories to those told here. I'm sharing a few with you because stories like these provide a mirror for you to remember your own experiences, create order out of them, imagine choices for change, and pass through them.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Do you, too, have childhood memories to share? And how have they affected your personal or professional relationships? I'd very much like
to hear your stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
[email protected]

And let me know if I can be a resource to you in any way.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Self-Sabotage - The Gremlin That Ruins Relationships and Careers

By Elayne Savage PhD

A note about self-sabotage: 
I  touched on the topic of self-sabotage in these two radio programs:

EmotionalPro with Ilene Dillon

http://emotionalpro.com/archives/3577  

Your Life, Your Relationships with Hollis Polk   

http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/your-life-your-relationships/                                          The June 1, 2011 podcast

Self-sabotage is such a fascinating subject - and many of you wrote wanting more information. So here you go . . .


Yet another incident of sexting by an elected official was just reported by the media. This time a Louisiana councilman. You're probably as weary of the copious coverage as I am.

Yet, once again I find myself reading all about it. And perhaps a bit embarrassed that I'm so intrigued by the goings on.

I was amazed at the media frenzy surrounding the reports of Anthony Weiner sexting on Twitter. I Is it my imagination or is the media's lust for exposing secret lives of public figures escalating? You know the list: Arnold Schwartsenegger, John Ensign, John Edwards,Mark Sanford, Mark Foley, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, and Bill Clinton. Did I leave anyone  out?

What propels public figures to engage in this kind of risky behavior?

How do they justify behavior that could cause them to self-implode? How do they rationalize self-destructive behavior that, if discovered, will probably lead to loss of careers, families and respect? How much energy are they putting into leading a double life? Why are public figures seemingly driven to take risks that could lead to facing public exposure, censure, rejection — and the subsequent shame and humiliation?

Or for that matter, why would any of us take these kinds of risks?

- Do they think they can get away with stuff because they are  powerful people? 

- Do they think they are so special they won't get caught?

- Are they are driven in a way that they can't stop themselves? Is it part of the love/sex addiction cycle of stress/anxiety/self-doubt leading to acting out behavior? (Resource: Patrick J. Carnes, 'Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction'. 3rd Edition, 2001. Hazelden.)

- Is about that "high" received from the hit of adrenaline when they engage in the behavior? The momentary feeling of power or conquest?

- Might they want to get caught so the behavior will stop?

- Could this be self-sabotaging behavior?

Let's focus on the self-sabotaging part.

How Do We Self-Sabotage? Let Me Count the Ways!
For the sake of trying to make sense out of it, let's call this kind of risky behavior 'self-sabotaging behavior.' Surely they are blocking their success by working against their own best interests. Most certainly they are sabotaging their family relationships, their careers and the trust folks have put in them. Surely they are sabotaging their reputations, and their potential to accomplish their goals and dreams.

How might this self-defeating behavior happen, and why?

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. And there are a multitude of ways we manage to sabotage ourselves. Let's try to understand how it happens.

The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'

However I always think the best description of 'sabotage' is the visual image that history offers.

Origins of "Sabotage"
You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

Over the years I've been an expert  at self-sabotage. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone, and misspeak on quite a few occasions.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things more than once before sending them out and plan carefully - especially when I want to impress someone.

Do you ever find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about capability and competence. Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy?

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.

- Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.

- Sometimes we make relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment — another form of self-sabotage.

- Sloppy business practices are another form of self-sabotage.

- Missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough  to our inner voice.

- Sometimes we seem to have a need to punish ourselves. Maybe even for every "bad" thing we've ever done!Self-sabotage is often  the method of choice. Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.

Can you think of other ways?

Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. Other ways we deflect anxiety are avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, and making excuses.

My earlier e-letter/blogs have addressed the the tug-of-war of ambivalence:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/ambivalence/
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

And here is link that explores the fears we encounter when we put ourselves out there and try something new:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/11/fear_of_tryingt.html

Often we find ourselves hitting the wall of Resistance (with a capital 'R') as Steven Pressfield so exquisitely describes in 'The War of Art.'

'The War of Art' (A book about Inner Battles)
Robert McKee in a Forward to the 'The War of Art' (Warner, 2003) says Resistance is Pressfield's  "all-encompassing term for what Freud called the Death Wish — that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, tong-term course of action that might do for us or others something that's actually good."  He goes on to describe the manifestations of Resistance as "a force that lives within us all — self-sabotage, self-deception and self-corruption."

Pressfield describes Resistance: ". . . the most toxic force on the planet . . . To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be . . . As powerful as is our soul's call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it . . . Resistance defeats us. If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams, overnight every shrink in the directory would be out of business. Prisons would stand empty. The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with the junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment businesses, not to mention pharmaceutical companies, hospitals and the medical profession from top to bottom. Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage and dandruff."

Self-doubt, Self-rejection and Self-destruction
On the surface pubic figures may appear self-confident and self-assured. Certainly they are persuasive and opportunistic in ways that can serve to benefit others.

And yet, underneath the polished, and successful exterior, there may be heaps of low self-worth lying around.

Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and unworthyness.

It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be what they are may feel like a huge relief.

You Can Change Your Perceptions
Usually these thoughts are below our radar and we're not consciously aware of them.

In order to overcome self-sabotage we first have to become aware of them. If we can't see something, we can't change it. 

We have to recognize our doubts and fears and understand how they affect our behaviors. You've heard me talk about 'walking alongs side yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and behaviors, then making a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Ask yourself: Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about?What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?

Which am I afraid of more — failure or success?

Ask  yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person like a partner, friend, coach or therapist. Hearing yourself say the words seems to take the charge off of the fear.

What would it take for you to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear what you think about this topic.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
[email protected]

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Traveling Back in Time - From Self-Rejection to Self-Acceptance

Elayne Savage, PhD

Sometimes we have the opportunity to revisit the
past, and look at ourselves through a new lens. If we're

lucky we can use the experience as a marker to appreciate

ourselves in a fresh way and see how far we've come.

In my case, I got to discard the old rejection filter.

Recently I  spoke at an event at the University of Alabama,
my undergraduate alma mater. This is only my second
trip back since graduation. My last visit was 20 years
ago.

This time I returned as a grownup.

It's not easy to go back to old venues. The insecurities of
the past come flooding back. All the self-doubts, the
fear of rejection, the negative self-talk . . . and the feelings
of vulnerability.

What a mess I was when I arrived as a Freshman on the
Bama campus. I was confused and dazed from recent
events in my life.

Just a few years earlier, my mother and grandmother had
died in a plane crash. Then my father remarried and we
moved from Omaha to Baltimore. What a culture shock
that was! And how resentful I was that I had to start over
in a new town my senior year of high school.

Not Fitting In
I felt 'different' from my peers. Like I didn't fit in. And truth be
told, I probably seemed a little odd. And what could I have
been thinking to attend a Southern school when feeling
'different' and left out was my big issue?

I didn't talk about my growing up experiences to anyone.

A few folks intuitively made attempts to bestow kindnesses.
However, I had trouble accepting their efforts and often
pushed away.

One of the bestowers was John L. Blackburn. He was the
Dean of Men when I was a co-ed. He was understanding,
caring and patient. I sure needed those kindnesses. In my
eventual role as a student leader and Business Manager
of the Mahout humor magazine, I got to know him. pretty
well over the years.

And he made an effort to know me. When I got into trouble or
needed a rule bent a bit, I'd be knocking on his office door.
John L. would run interference for me with the Dean of
Women's office. I guess you could say he was my 'go-to' guy.

Not without a price, however. John L. tried his best to keep me
out of trouble with quite a few stern but kindly talkings-to.

In those days, there were countless rules -  just waiting
to be broken:
- Alcoholic drinks  had to be in
  'unrevealing containers.' 
- Coeds were to wear  raincoats on
  campus to conceal jeans or shorts.
- Co-eds couldn't walk up the steep steps
  of the Student Union if wearing skirts.
- There was a 10 pm weekday curfew:

   "Sign out, Sign In, where you goin'?

   Where you been?"
 
After I graduated and moved to California, John L. would say to
me: "If you get back here, I'd like to have a little get-together for
you." So I'm thinking he meant a backyard barbecue in
Tuscaloosa.

That's not what he had in mind.

I did get back to Alabama in 1990. He hosted a banquet style
dinner at The Club in Birmingham. It  wasn't  a barbecue  at all.
It was more like a ROAST.They took turns telling stories on me.
It was an embarrassingly sweet and special evening.

John L. was my go-to guy several times over the years. He wrote
reference letters for my early job searches. He arranged to have
Forrest Gump (via Winston Groom) write a book jacket blurb for

my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with

Rejection.'

There was no doubt whatsoever that I would make this trip to the
University to speak at the celebration of John L's life after he died.

I felt so honored to be on the program. There were 250 people
in the audience paying tribute to his accomplishments: as the
person credited with making sure the 'school house door'
stayed open and welcoming in the summer of 1963, as Dean
of Men, and as Vice President for Educational Development.
His legacy lives on with the establishment of the Blackburn
Institute, a leadership development program on the Alabama
campus. Mostly, though he was remembered as  a person of
great kindness and compassion.

I only wish our contacts over the years hadn't been so infrequent.
 Sometimes way too many years went by.

Revisiting Old Haunts and Old Feelings
What an amazing experience to walk around campus,
remembering the bittersweetness of those days so many
years ago.

When I was a student, my sensitivity to 'being different' caused
me to feel left out and less-than. Too often this contributed to
overwhelming perceptions of rejection. Yep, my self-esteem
was pretty low.

What an emotionally corrective experience to return as a
professional grownup, making a valuable contribution to the
event.

How refreshing to return to the campus and be treated with
respect and acceptance. I had such gracious escorts during
my stay in Tuscaloosa and in Birmingham. It was especially

rewarding to reconnect with John L.'s  wife, Gloria Blackburn,

and be told I "held a special place in his heart."

And I was able to take it all in and accept it, instead of pushing
it away. I guess I was finally able to ditch that old rejection filter.

In the acknowledgments for 'Don't Take It Personally!' I thanked
John L. for his encouragement and for  "figuring sooner or later
I’d grow into my capabilities."
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

I hope John L. took that thank you in. I guess you can tell, he
holds a special place in my heart too.

Isn't it wonderful how some people touch our lives only briefly or
sporadically, yet they become part of our soul.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
May, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'
2. The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing
3. Virginia Tech and Seung-Hui Cho's Two Plays.
4. Memories of Columbine and Even The Menendez Brothers
5. Rage is "Anger with a History"
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription

1. IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN - THE HEARTACHE OF BEING 'DIFFERENT'
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Last month I wrote about bullying behavior and the damage it can do.
A couple of days later the killing rampage occurred at Virginia Tech.

So this month, let's take a look at the effects on someone who is
teased or ignored because they are "different." As Kermit the frog
says, "It's not easy being green." 

2, The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing

All too many of school violence situations happen when someone has
been repeatedly teased, taunted and/or ostracized. Then at some point
a few decide they are "just not going to take it anymore."

Perhaps their misery is so great they contemplate killing themselves.
Perhaps with their fuzzy thinking, killing others gives them reason
to kill themselves. Or to let police bullets do it for them.

Of course, many children and young adults are teased by schoolmates.
Most have  enough resiliency to bend without breaking. But some are
more brittle.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I
quote from Ronald Rohner's studies of worldwide rejection. He found
three important characteristics contribute to resiliency in children.
These are: development of a sense of self, self-determination,
and the capacity to depersonalize.” To me, this means they don't take
things so personally.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

3. Virginia Tech and Seung-Hu Choi's Two Plays

Just after the Virginia Tech killings I had the opportunity to read
Seung-Hui Cho's two short plays. I was handed both eight page plays by
KTVU reporter Ken Wayne, just before he interviewed me for a Bay Area
TV newscast.

I quickly read the plays, then we talked about them as the camera rolled.

Here's the link to the news clip.
http://www.ktvu.com/video/12345827/index.html -The Ken Wayne Interview

This was one of the most difficult interviews I've ever given. At the
time, we still knew very little about the killer or about what happened.
The video tapes had not yet been released. I'm always careful
not to speculate when I don't have enough facts in front of me.

4. Memories of Columbine and Even the Menendez Brothers

AND this brought back memories of the day the Columbine killings
occurred.

I went on the air for 4 hours that evening with a Denver radio host. We were
trying to help folks make some sense of what had happened that day in
Littleton, Colorado.

The killings at Columbine High School are in part the result of two students
being teased, taunted and ostracized by classmates for being 'different.'

Both described  injustices done to them by a handful of students. Reportedly,
a friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time
to get back at the school.”

“They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them.
They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.
Unfortunately, that’s what they did.” 

As Kermit reminds us, "It's not easy being green."

Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.
He wrote about killing himself. 

Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so
many fun things." 

On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns
and a semi-atomatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates
and a teacher.

I am also reminded of another gruesome killing incident when Erik and
Lyle Menendez brutally killed both parents.

I remember their Aunt's testimony during the trial. She described how she
lived across the street. Often the boys, then toddlers, would cross the street by themselves in the morning because they  were hungry. Their mother was
reportedly sleeping off too much booze the night before and did not get up
to take care of them.

The image of toddlers crossing the street alone to find food has stayed
with me all these years. Toddlers!

Of course the stories we heard in the media addressed the more
obvious allegations of physical and sexual abuse by the father.

Their mother not only failed to protect them from their father,
but she neglected their physical needs as well.

Here again I had the opportunity to appear on a national TV talk show.
And again I was attempting to help the public better understand how
this kind of brutal, horrific violence could have occurred.

The Menendez killings are another example where perceived injustices
bring on anger and violent rage.

Surely, neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse does not give
someone the right to kill.

Yet, understanding the abusive conditions can help us understand
the feelings of injustice and anger or rage that lead to these
killings.

5. Rage is Anger with a History

My definition of rage is “anger with a history.” Rage is an emotion
beyond anger. Anger relates to something happening in the present
and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from
overwhelming, often unbearable feelings from the past. It often
arises from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices.

Ever since I read Cho's plays I've been unable to get the obvious
pain of the killer out of my mind.

The Virginia Tech killings were horrific. The plays were also
horrific. Quite a few commentators have talked about the bloody
descriptions and anger contained in the works.

Yet, I saw something else as well. As I was reading the vivid
descriptions about wanting to kill people, I realized that rage
was not the only theme in these plays. Both describe a young
person being sexually violated by older men, one a teacher.

And not surprising, former high school classmates describe how
Cho was mocked and laughed at for his shyness and the way he
talked.

Yes, "its not easy being green."

There is a high price paid in the school yard for being different.
Being green seems to be an invitation for rejection and the
emotional pain that goes along with it.

Seems to me, we could try to be just a little more respectful to
each other.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

On a personal note: I'm off to Denver today to present a program on
Rejecting Rejection: Don't Take It Personally! for the Colorado
National Speakers Association.   

'Til next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.