Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

When Rejection Leads to Self-rejection and Feels Like Shame

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

Seems these days the most frequent challenge my psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients describe is “Feeling Shame.”

 

I’m hearing from colleagues, friends and clients about how recent political behaviors and attitudes are bringing up painful family and school memories of criticism, insults, accusations, taunts, lashing out, easing, blaming, baiting or manipulating.

 

“Hearing about the discord in Congress, I’m realizing how chaotic and divisive my family life was. Mother would pit my sister and me against each other — driving a wedge between us and keeping us from being a united front against her. Each of us would compete with each other, trying to win her favor.”

 

And another reaction:

“My mother would complain about one child to the other turning one against the other. I think her need was to get one of us to side with her and bolster her narcissism. She seemed to have a need to instill guilt in us. 

 

Over the years we learned to protect ourselves: One of us stopped speaking to her, and the other went to therapy to drop guilt from our repertoire.”

 

And a frequent story: “I was always sent away from the dinner table and told to go to my room. I told myself I wasn’t good enough to eat with my family.”

 

Turns out the most troubling part is how feelings of shame seem to take over from memories of perceived slights, finger-pointing, being made ‘bad’ or ‘wrong,’ criticism and blame. 

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously: 

Shaming

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Smearing

Scorning

 
You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

And the result is often self-rejection. I see experiencing self-rejection the same as feeling shame.

 

I Know All About Thin Skin

 

I’ve lived in it much of my life.

 

When I was little, if someone looked at me funny I’d cry. I took about everything personally.

 

If I thought someone was upset with me I’d replay the last few days in my head. I’d pull out my ‘checklist’ of possible “offenses” and go over them in my mind, one at a time. And then once again.

 

When we were little we were probably hurt by words, looks, or tones of voice – whether they were intended or not. And we carry these cringe-worthy sensitive feelings into our adult years.

 

I still cringe at the memory of my math teacher holding up my paper filled with red marks and saying to the whole class; "Elayne can do better than this!"

 

We each have our unique responses and long-term repercussions. We each live with whatever fearful and self-rejecting messages the traumatic experience leads us to take in about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it. 

 

This is especially true if, in our early years, there were inappropriate personal boundary crossings which affected our feelings of safety and trust. Each new situation might be somewhat different, however, our visceral response is very recognizable.

 

We can expect the original discomfort and fear to re-surface if we find ourselves in another unsafe moment and as we hear other’s stories. For some of us this can be similar to a PTSD-like experience.

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of Managing Face

 

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I first blogged about it many years ago. 

 

Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

 

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’

 

Managing Face

 

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face 

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

 

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. 

 

These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. 

The result is you leave the other person a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

So how do we leave ourselves a ‘way out?’

The opposite of self=rejection is of course self-acceptance. Sometimes a good re-framing does the trick!

 

It’s Embarrassment – Not Shame

 

It helps to remind myself that most times “It’s really embarrassment – not shame.”

 

I try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. 

 

I try repeating to myself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

 

At a point in my life I realized how much my over-sensitivity was causing problems at home and at work. I knew I needed to make some changes in how I dealt with the people in my world:

- I decided I wanted to stop these knee-jerk responses when my feelings got hurt.

- I wanted to not revert to childish behavior when I got upset.- I wanted to have my embarrassments just be embarrassments instead of turning into shame.

- I wanted to stop acting like a petulant child, lashing out when I felt unsupported or betrayed.

- I wanted to acknowledge my part in something and not be so quick to blame others.

- I wanted to stop brooding/fixating/dwelling/stewing/ruminating/agonizing about so many perceived slights. I’d be obsessing about what someone did or said –– or what they neglected to do or say. And go automatically into my painful mental checklist mode. 

This incessant dwelling and fuming sapped my energy and my productivity and left me depleted.

- I especially wanted to better understand my thin-skinned challenges and begin to choose to do things differently.

 

Recognizing and Welcoming Corrective Emotional Experiences Into Our Lives  

 

A corrective emotional experience is the opportunity to have a positive emotional experience in the present that balances out negative ones from our past.
 

I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones from our past.

 

Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.

 

What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or does something hurtful it's hard not to take it to heart. 

 

These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.

 

All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out positive and validating responses from people. 

 

We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Then, along comes a chance to have a Corrective Emotional experience –– an event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. 

 

The trick is to recognize it.

 

Something changes for us. 

In the way we see ourselves. 

In the responses we expect from people around us.

In the quality of our connection to others.

 

Yes, something changes.

 

For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. 

 

Yet, with being able to recognize the possibility that something could be different this time, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.

 

You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. 

 

You may feel heard, listened to and understood. You may feel accepted, validated, appreciated and well regarded.

 

As these positive experiences have a chance to grow, there is much less space available for feelings of self-rejection and shame.

 

©Elayne Savage, PhD

The Big-time Influence of Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD   © Can Stock Photo / arloo     Lately it seems just about every coaching client and therapy client and couple and family I’ve been seeing wants to talk about challenges that seem to reflect what appears to be some form of personal boundaries.    Not exactly sure why so many of the different aspects of boundaries are front and center right now but seems to be on everyone’s mind.   So I’m thinking maybe a refresher course in boundaries would be useful here.   Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others.    Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize and respect how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others.   And having good personal boundaries means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.     Personal Boundaries are About Respect   I believe this is the most important to understand: Boundaries are about respecting your own space and the space of others.  This includes honoring each other’s differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy. We each grew up in different families with different rules, roles and ways of being, often including different cultural influences.   Psychologists John and Linda Friel offer some good descriptions of seven categories of personal boundaries. I’ve used their descriptions as a foundation and added some of my own impressions.   Physical boundaries means other people respect your physical space. These boundaries are violated when someone goes into your room, uses your stuff without asking, or reads your diary. They’re also violated when someone touches, or tickles you when you don’t want him or her to, or pushes or hits you.   Intellectual boundaries means others respect your ideas or thoughts. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”   Emotional boundaries involve respect for your feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, or psychologically abuses you by criticizing, belittling, or shaming.   Social boundaries mean a respect for your choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes where you go or who you choose to be with, for example, “Why on earth would you want to go out with her?” or “Why would you want to see that movie?”   Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy and choosing who can touch you, where, and how they can touch you. In other words, respectful boundaries means no one can touch you without your permission. Some sexual boundary transgressions such as stranger or acquaintance rape are obvious, but others, such as staring, and leering can be confusing because they are not so obvious.   Money boundaries involve how you earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. There’s no question that different attitudes about money can cause relationship problems, especially if you don’t respect the other person’s style.    I grew up in a culture where folks would often ask “How much did you pay for that?”   Ethical boundaries  And of course in today’s political climate we are very aware of how principles guiding decision-making and professional integrity seem to be getting trounced daily in politics   Time boundaries hold special interest for me because I have struggled so many years with these. This means having respect for your own and others’ ways of dealing with time frames for getting things done.    Some of us are on time or even early for meetings or getting projects done. Others of us are “under the wire” people and thrive on the excitement of deadlines.    For years my nickname is “under the wire Elayne” and my usual 5 minutes late really causes problems when I’m meeting someone who is usually 10 minutes early!   My lateness is easily mistaken for a personal affront and perceived as disrespectful. In my typical ADHD way I’d try to squeeze in too many tasks or errands before meeting someone.    And I finally figured out I was choosing to be later than the person I was supposed to meet. Why? Because waiting for someone made me anxious. I would worry that they forgot, or stood me up, or some other form of rejection. Better they should wait for me, even though it meant they might get annoyed at my lateness.     Growing Up Boundary-less   When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.   I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.   Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family.   Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning. Others expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.   For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.   Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.    Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.   In some of our families there may have been strict rules, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.     Privacy vs. Intrusiveness in the Workplace   A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’ I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.   For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors.    Can you can see how there might be privacy issues here where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?   I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.   Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.     Appropriateness in the Workplace    For over 35 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries in the workplace. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate flirting or teasing or touching can easily lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct.   Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.   And of course this disrespect too often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person experiencing boundary-less behavior.     More about boundaries in several blogs if you look up personal boundaries in the archives on my blog site: TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   © Elayne Savage, PhD     Until next month,  Elayne     Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

You're a Grand Old Flag – What Happened?

By Elayne Savage, PhD     While watching a documentary the other day I heard a song I grew up with that always made me so happy. Sometimes I would sing and even march along to it.     I have such fond memories of A Grand Old Flag and I just love hearing The Singing Senators rendition from 1996 on YouTube.  They were Sen.Trent Lott (R-Mississippi) – Bass, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) – Lead Vocals, Sen. John Ashcroft (R-Missouri) – Baritone,   Sen. Jim Jeffords (R-Vermont)- Tenor,   And guess what – Listening to them sing got me standing up and singing and marching along!   You can find it at 0.45 right after This is My Country. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OaS9Goj4Rzs   You're a grand old flag, You're a high flying flag And forever in peace may you wave. You're the emblem of The land I love. The home of the free and the brave. Every heart beats true 'Neath the Red, White and Blue, Where there's never a boast or brag. Should old acquaintance be forgot, Keep your eye on the grand old flag   And then I got really sad.   Sad for what seems like the demise of the country that I used to feel so proud was my country:    “The Greatest on earth.” “The emblem of the land I love.”  “The home of the free and the brave.” “Where there’s never a boast or brag.” (Imagine! Boast and Brag free!) What happened to the land I love? What happened to our grand old flag forever waving in peace? Where did the ‘forever in peace’ go?   Well, yes, I guess I am pretty patriotic.   I’m a Washingtonian. I grew up with and respected so many symbols of our government.   Watching the Capitol being abused on 1/6 was really difficult for me. It felt personal.    It sickens me to see videos of how the metal flagpoles from our Grand Old Flag became weapons of hate and destruction against those brave men/women who were trying to protect the Capitol Building and our Democracy.   And it is staggering to me that it feels everything honorable that these symbols stand for are being dishonored by so much contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming.   Honestly, what scares me the most are the attempts at voter suppression in some of the states.  Joyce Vance, previously a U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Alabama and presently a law professor at the University of Alabama decries “claims of victory via voter suppression in Georgia and Wisconsin (and) Ohio’s new law . . . one of the country’s strictest voter identification laws. Before it was passed, voters could use a wide variety of items to establish their identity at the polls, including bank statements and utility bills. Under the new measure, they have to have a driver’s license, state ID, passport, or military ID to cast a vote. Notably, college and university IDs didn’t make the cut. (And) concern that” the free veteran ID cards issued by Ohio counties would no longer count as a valid form of ID for voting.   “There are concerns the ability to vote for as many as 1 million Ohioans could be impacted by the new law because they have suspended driver’s licenses due to a lack of insurance or unpaid fines and court costs. The report concluded that suspensions disproportionately impact impoverished urban communities of color.   “The rationale for the bill was to improve public confidence in elections because of voter fraud. But even Ohio’s Republican Secretary of State, Frank LaRose, who supported the measure, has repeatedly said the state’s elections are fair and untarnished by fraud. He acknowledged that the possible fraud in the 2020 Ohio General Election was 0.0005%.   “Understanding the outrageous measures like the Ohio law that create a fundamentally unfair playing field is enough to offend the sensibilities of most Americans.”   “Voting rights lawyer Marc Elias filed a lawsuit challenging the statute."   https://open.substack.com/pub/joycevance/p/dont-look-up?r=192n8&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email   Blaming and Shaming and Taking Things Personally. Oh My.   And you are most likely pretty aware of the daily reports of contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming that I mentioned above.   I‘m hoping that somehow we can find our way back to the days of the grand old flag. At least to some modicum of integrity and respect. Please.   I would really love to hear your thoughts on all of these goings-on.   What feelings and concerns do you have?   Are you as troubled about trusting and feeling safe and secure as I am?   What can we do about this mess?   Oh, and by the way, I heard the Singing Senators YouTube video when I was watching Blake Zeff’s ‘Loan Wolves’ documentary investigating how Student Debt is prohibited from being discharged by filing for bankruptcy,     On Peacock and MSNBC YouTube Trailer:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL7SCY7gC1M   © Elayne Savage. PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Making Someone Bad and Wrong

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri

 

 

Making someone “bad and wrong” is in the air. Seems like every day there is another personal attack – followed by an attack on the attacker.

 

When one or both feel they have to be right, there’s just not enough space for two opinions or ideas or beliefs.

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

 

Sometimes they even encourage others to choose sides. It becomes a proof of loyalty to them and they take it personally and feel betrayed when they think others are not being supportive.

 

Sometimes there is just no room for mistakes and even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of what a bad person he or she is.

 

Some folks seem to have a need to punish others for a missstep, like when a dog has an 'accident' and rubbing it's nose in it "to teach a lesson."

 

Then again, sometimes it emanates from just plain mean-spiritedness or being vindictive and retaliating.

 

Wrapped up in our need to make someone bad and wrong is often our inability to take responsibility and own shame. Some of us struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed (or shamed.) And we cannot tolerate those feelings in ourselves. This can lead to psychological projection (see below.)

 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

 

The Attack-Defend Dynamic

 

When a finger is pointed and someone feels criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. The Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and lashes out.

 

Sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing

Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning

 

These are all rejecting behaviors of course.

 

Have you, too, been feeling immersed in this kind of ‘bad and wrong’ finger-pointing behavior coming out of just about every corner of political activity?

 

And when the finger is pointed at us over and over again, we can all too easily inflate and perpetuate the idea that yes, we are indeed a bad person  – a self-image most likely originating in childhood.

Revisiting Childhood Messages

 

Good Kid/Bad Kid

Let’s take a look at the concept of “good” and “bad” within families. In some families one child appears to be designated as the “good” one, while another child is thought of as “bad.”

 

These good and bad roles often span several generations with designations being passed down.  

 

And what about those of us who learned to feel bad about ourselves each time we were sent to our room in shame, isolated from our family?

 

"You don't deserve to sit with us at the dinner table! Go to your room." No surprise that we go so easily to a ‘shame’ place now.

 

Others of us somehow learned along the way we are ceding power if we allow space for another person to be right or to make a point. So by puffing ourselves up to feel powerful we diminish others.

 

Or maybe we just like the excitement of an argument. Some families actually feel more connected through argument and raised voices.

 

The dynamic of making someone Bad and Wrong is a frequent focus in my sessions with couples and families and in workplace mediation.

 

I often ask: “Do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to be right?

Let’s talk about other ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.

 

Some of us puff ourselves up which looks like bullying behavior. To not feel so inadequate, we inflate ourselves by diminishing others.

Sometimes perceived slights morph into perceived enemies when we become suspicious of others' intentions.

 

Sometimes we become vindictive or vengeful. Sometimes we rant or throw a tantrum or lash out.

 

Sometimes we flail out in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves.

 

Sometimes we accuse others of the same behaviors we have done ourselves. This is psychological projection.

 

If you have followed these blogs for 10 or15 years you may be aware how often I highlight projection in connection with blaming and taking things personally.

 

 

Psychological Projection Explains a Lot About  “Bad and Wrong”

 

Projection is when we unconsciously attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.

 

When we find ourselves with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to try to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings.

 

A common way we protect ourselves is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others. Especially to those who disagree with us. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients and so are those who are on the other side of the political aisle.

 

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

 

• It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:

"This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves. What might they be saying?“

 

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be?

 

Can you create some distance by reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting?

 

By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options. And you can 'make a choice to make a change' in your reactions.

 

Think about it this way: you cannot really change a behavior if you cannot see it. So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can choose to return to a fork in the road and to move forward along a new path.

Yes, you can 'make a choice to make a change.'

 

 

 

More on psychological projection and 'a wise way to handle hurtful gnarly people'

 

I bet you have ideas and challenges to add here. Would love to hear from you . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

After Banning Abortion: What Happens to Children and Families?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

There seems to be a state by state race by legislators to ban and criminalize abortion. But I don’t hear anyone talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants.

Some parents are able to competently cope with unintended pregnancies. Others fear they can’t manage. Maybe they want to finish school and get a job before they start a family. Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

I know first hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade. I guess I saw just about every type of trauma and neglect and abuse and exploitation and abandonment you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents mistreating and abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they resented and rejected.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care and with fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

 

In my CPS years there were many situations I observed where parents were not able to be responsible to the well-being of their children. Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

 

I’ll never forget the day I watched a 14 year old mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging her along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

 

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

 

I knew about young children burned or hurt when they were left unattended for several hours.

 

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or unwashed clothes.

 

I remember one woman teaching her young child to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

 

This memory still haunts me: One day when I showed up for an appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them. Thinking about that day makes me want to cry.

 

    © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

 

The list of possible long-term effects is endless: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives and trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

 

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

 

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 46 in some states!

 

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about the unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation. Sometimes the only way to protect a child is by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable relative, placing him or her in foster care.

 

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm.

 

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

 

Years later, when I was a Long-term Placement social worker and was visiting residential facilities, I came across some of the same children I had removed years before. Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because their families were unable to provide a safe enough home environment for them to return to.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: If abortion is banned what’s going to happen to the children? When mothers who do not want to bring a child into this world are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments? How can we be sure they will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

 

(Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice and there certainly is lots of money to be made for some people, however the emotional considerations are huge and would have to be carefully considered.)

 

And resentment often permeated the families I knew. I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. I saw the stress of expecting a new baby sometimes leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw the existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra pressure on family members.

 

And the system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be placed outside of the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

Stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate times before Roe v. Wade. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using instruments like coat hangers, to try to induce an abortion. Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but there were way too many back-alley deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again if the courts decide we have to go backwards to that dark place.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

Clearly lots children who were traumatized developed the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

 

However, studies show a connection between incarceration and childhood abuse and neglect.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

 

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

 

A few years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally. This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

 

‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several told me:

 

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

 

Legislators in some of the states newly banning abortion are admitting the grand plan is that this legal maneuvering will lead to SCOTUS overturning Roe.

 

So with the move to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee these unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly even become criminals themselves?

 

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

 

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

The Art of Dealing Out Distractions, Deflections, Evasions, Blaming and Shaming

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It’s been intriguing to watch the steady stream of creative distractions coming out of the White House – mostly in tweet flurries seeming to increase in frequency just before news breaks that is embarrassing or damaging to the President. 

Luckily when a big story is about to break the usual policy that the reporter contacts people involved asking if they want to respond so it can be included in the piece.

With this early heads-up there is time to formulate an “official statement” or even to orchestrate a controversy that can serve as a distraction from any problematic news.

Distraction is the art of skillfully shifting a topic from one of greater importance to one of relative unimportance.

The List of Distractions is Endless

Common distractions are deflections, denials, evasions and postponements. Shaming and Blaming, too, are powerful forms of distractions, often the attempt to delegitimize any source of information not supporting our own ideas or interests. Such people and groups become “losers” and “has-beens” and “failures.”

The President's high drama tweeting flurries have been remarkably successful at diverting attention away from the problematic news item.

And his fondness for accusing and blaming and shaming becomes an added distraction.
Examples are the rash of firings and resignings and international threats.

We've been seeing frequent mentions lately wondering if the White House is like "the tail wagging the dog." It's referencing, of course, the 1997 movie Wag the Dog - when the  a publicist and Hollywood producer work with the White House to fabricate a war to distract from a presidential sex scandal.

According to Merriam-Webster, 'Tail Wagging the Dog' is a phrase "used to describe a situation in which an important or powerful person, organization, etc., is being controlled by someone or something that is much less important or powerful." It seems that when a dog wags it's tail, it's body then follows. Does the dog wag it's tail or does the tail wag the dog?

 

I’ve blogged many times about distractions and blamings and shamings in the White House. It seems to be happening more frequently, so let’s take an in-depth look.

Where Do We Learn the Fine Art of Distraction?

So where does a person learn to be so skilled at distracting? From my decades as a family therapist I’ve observed how we learn to take on certain “job descriptions”and play certain roles in our families.

My colleagues in the helping professions sometimes tease that we learned the role of ‘helper’ when we took on the job of ‘go-between’ and ‘caretaker’ in our families.

From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:

“You may have discovered different ways to maneuver through some difficult times. Did you learn to play a specific caretaking role, such as the mediator, the placater, the scapegoat, the go-between, or the joker? These roles were important to the functioning of your family, and you had a job to do — fill that role. This provided you with an identity—you were needed. In fact, you may continue to see yourself this way, repeating the same function in your adult relationships.”

Breathing Room describes how one woman took on the a childhood job of “space filler” in her family....she realized “there were spaces that needed filling in her family and her parents weren’t capable.”

“…Maybe a parent wasn’t fully functioning. Perhaps a parent inappropriately treated you as a confidante, or looked to you for emotional support or for help with a younger sibling. Some of us figured out that, in order for our families to function better, someone had to fill up that empty space. And you may have been that someone.”

Our childhood roles are hard to give up.

Unfortunately these survival roles don’t always function so well in our adult relationships. Under stress they continue to be our go-to position.

These two stories from Don’t Take It Personally! show how children decide to take charge when it felt the adults were out of control or weren’t doing their job.

Janie remembers being six years old, and her parents were screaming at each other. “I’d jump on the coffee table, pull myself to my full three-foot height, and read at the top of my lungs from my favorite book. I called it the ‘Happy Family’ book.”

She’s been intervening in fights ever since with coworkers and friends, but “at least,” she says, “I didn’t hop up on the desk and recite the ‘Happy Family’ to them!”

When Nick was a little boy he, too, figured out a way to handle his parents’ fights. Although he could barely read, he would grab the Yellow Pages and start to phone divorce attorneys until his parents stopped yelling at each other.

Virginia Satir’s Ideas on Family Roles and Communication Stances

When I was a family therapy graduate student I became entranced with Family Therapist Virginia Satir’s ideas on family roles and communication stances in response to stressful situations.

Andrew Fogg describes how Satir's developed "Survival Stances" to demonstrate how people cope with problems and to protect their self-worth against verbal and nonverbal, perceived and presumed threats.

The four survival stances are Placator, Blamer, Computer (being super-reasonable,) and Distractor (Being Irrelevant .)

She also added a 5th stance, “Leveler” which functions to keep balance in the family by resolving conflicts.

The five Satir Stress Responses are:

1 Blaming
2 Placating
3 Computing (Super-reasonable)
4 Distracting (Irrelevant)
5 Leveling

http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm

Let’s focus here on the Distracting (Irrelevance) and the Blaming behaviors that emanate so often from the White House these days.

 

https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles

 The Distractor: Whatever the Distractor does or says is irrelevant to what anyone else is saying or doing.

• When you play the distracting role, it will help if you think of yourself as a kind of lopsided top, constantly spinning, but never knowing where you are going, and not realizing it until you get there.
• Make sure that you are never on the point with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; maybe come back with one of your own on a different subject. Take a piece of imaginary lint off someone's garment, untie shoelaces, and so on.
• At first this role seems like a relief, but after a few minutes of play, the terrible loneliness and purposefulness arise.
• If you can keep yourself moving fast enough, you won't notice it so much.

Blaming is a powerful form of distraction.

Sometimes people point their finger at others and accuse them of behavior or actions that they are guilty of themselves.They may be projecting their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or fears onto  the other person.

  https://www.slideserve.com/elysia/virginia-satir-s-communication-styles

 The blamer is a fault-finder, a dictator, a boss. If you are a blamer, you act superior and seem to be saying: "If it weren't for you, everything would be all right.

• "Good blaming requires you to be as loud as tyrannical as you can. Cut everything and everyone down.
• Start your sentences with "You never do this or you always do that or why do you always or why do you never . . . ?" and so on.
• Think of yourself standing with one hand on your hip and the other arm extended with your index finger pointed straight out. Your face is screwed up, your lips curled, your nostrils flared as you yell, call names, and criticize everything under the sun. You don't really feel you are worth anything, either.
• So if you can get someone to obey you, then you feel you count for something

For more descriptions on Satir’s Stances:

http://changingminds.org/explanations/personality/satir_stress.htm

 

Satir also identified body positions to illustrate each of the stances.

Virginia Satir’s Five Body Language Positions

These are body language positions that convey the emotions of Virginia Satir's Stress Responders and are particularly useful for understanding people who are speaking.

Care to venture any guesses about Donald Trump’s growing up experiences? Do you think Distractor and Blamer might have been his ‘job descriptions in his family?

And what about your own role in your family? What might it have been?
Does it influence your relationship or workplace roles now?

Would love to hear from you if you have a story.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Earlier blogs –

On Distractions:

Personal and Repugnant Politicking
Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Overly Sensitive? Thin Skin? Tips for Protecting Yourself
Deflections, Distractions, Denial and Postponements

On Projections:
Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

On Blaming:
Having ‘Thin Skin’ – Brooding, Blaming, Fuming, Lashing Out

On Shaming:
A Big Dose of Public Shame and Humiliation

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Saving Face or Losing Face?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I started thinking a lot about 'Saving Face' when world-wide tensions were mounting after the devastating chemical attack on civilians in Syria. You'll recall there was lots of talk about a red line in the sand, the possibility of US air strikes over Syria and threats of retaliation.

John Kerry's off-the-cuff remark on how to avoid a military strike by the US was immediately followed by Russia's offer to put Assad’s poison gas stocks under international control. And when the UN Secretary General jumped on board and it was decided the UN would dismantle Syria's chemical arsenal.

Isn't it amazing how quickly they found a workable solution once it became possible to 'Save Face?'

And now the world's eyes are on Washington where those involved seem to be desperately looking for a way to 'Save Face.'

Again we are facing high stakes. This time it is in the U.S. Congress. I'm intrigued with the Chinese concept of 'Managing Face,' and I'm hoping lawmakers can learn something from this.

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, and disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi')  means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss.  "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

In Washington our government is also engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

These concepts of course are bigger than the Washington skirmishes. Would love to hear your ideas and experiences on Saving Face – in your personal and workplace situations. You can send me an email  at [email protected] or Comment below . . .

More info about Managing Face:
http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage