Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Bullying: "Just a Little Locker Room Humor?"

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Accusations of name-calling, bullying and hazing within the Miami Dolphins has tackle Jonathan Martin AWOL from the team and guard Richie Incognito suspended.

The big-ticket item in the media is the racial slur and threats to harm Martin and his family that Incognito left on a voicemail message.

But there’s more. Now we hear that for months team members have been making derogatory comments including calling Martin "Big Weirdo." Some team members, including a coach, are being investigated for contributing to the harassment.

And the story keeps growing.

I started writing this blog the day the news broke, but held back from publishing because I couldn't keep up with the speed of details unfolding..

We hear a lot about bullying and harassment these days. Bullying has become the most dominant topic of today's media and social media. Opinions about workplace bullying, sexual harassment and cyber-bullying abound.

I know these stories are often blown out of proportion. I guess I've contributed to the bully-circus each time I've been interviewed on the topic over the years.

And yet public awareness of this problem is a good thing. The Miami Dolphins situation has inspired a national debate about workplace bullying.

“Sticks and Stones . . .”

I know how unsettling and horrific these experiences can be and how they can contribute mightily to someone's ability to feel safe and to trust others.

As a psychotherapist, workplace consultant and presenter I've heard hundreds of stories from clients and seminar participants about how workplace harassment frequently brings up early painful memories.

I've heard a multitude of examples about feeling victimized, degraded and humiliated by various bullying behaviors: hurtful teasing, name-calling, or mean-spirited practical joking from peers, teachers, teammates, parents, siblings, or extended family.

Both men and women are surprised that 20 or 30 or 40 years later just retelling the story brings back the pain and fear.

They begin to realize how much feelings of rejection and betrayal and issues of trust still affect their personal and professional adult relationships.

It does not take a highly-charged dramatic incident to cause long-term relationship problems. We all have different degrees of resilience and ways of responding to emotional  triggers.

Maybe one reason the Dolphins harassment story is so fascinating is that it reminds us of our own experiences with bullying behavior. We can vicariously watch how others are handling it – or not handling it. Maybe we can even learn something.

Personally, I'm intrigued by the observations of various sports personalities:

Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett describes how hazing has been part of the culture of the NFL for years. Vikings defensive end Jared Allen observes that it's "a rite of passage you go through." And others talk about "Tradition" and "The way things are done." 

"The culture?" "A rite of passage” Tradition?” "The way things are done?”

Really? I've heard the same kinds of excuses made regarding the hazing in fraternities, some professional corporations, and the military – until zero-tolerance policies were initiated. 

I remember how scared and miserable I was when I found myself in a hazing situation in college. I was calling my family in tears every day because it was such a horrific experience for me. It was surreal.

Looking back, I can see why it was upsetting. The hazing brought up earlier childhood memories – of the times I was mercilessly teased in school and felt singled out for humiliation.

And it also brought up memories of the frightening times I was bullied and tormented by a couple of older neighborhood boys. Mostly they were trying to scare me. There were times when it went beyond trying to scare me – when they put their hands around my throat and threatened to strangle me.

When I feel threatened and unsafe I have a visceral reaction with PTSD-like symptoms. Bullying and harassing will do it every time. Even teasing, whether obvious or subtle, can feel abusive to me.

Learning to 'Grin and Bear It'

Many of us learn to 'grin and bear it.' We don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how humiliated and hurt we feel. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years.

Then comes a time when we can't take it anymore.

For Jonathan Martin that day came when the team pranked him by all getting up from the table as soon as he sat down. Reportedly he slammed his tray, left the cafeteria and has not been seen by the team since.

Have you, too, had the experience of crossing that line from grinning and bearing to snapping when things get too hurtful?

I don't know if Ritchie Incognito intended to hurt Jonathan Martin when he used racist slurs and made those voicemail threats to Martin and his family.  I don't know if the other Dolphins intended to be maliciously hurtful when they repeatedly called Martin "Big Weirdo." Would they claim it was only a term of endearment?

Some people think it may be Martin's degree in ancient Greek and Roman classics from Stanford and having parents, grandparents and great grandparents who attended Harvard that contributed to his team mates seeing him as ‘different.’

People tend to feel threatened by people, ideas and ways of doing things which are 'different.'

Why Do Bullies Bully?



When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very good about themselves. If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find a scared, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and insecure person.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves. Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Bullies need to puff themselves up to compensate - especially if they have a history of feeling victimized.

Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme.  A line gets trampled when people behave in mean-spirited, inappropriate and hurtful ways. 



Think about it this way: bullies puff themselves up at the expense of the other person. They have a need to diminish their target – to make the person squirm.

Bullies need victims. Many bullies also need an audience.

Yet, under that aggressive exterior of the bully is someone who most likely is scared or hurting. Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain.

Can you put yourself in the shoes of the bully? It evens the playing field a bit to remind yourself about what makes a bully tick.

And What About their Targets?

And what about the recipient of the teasing and bullying? How long can a person 'grin and bear' taunts and threats and shaming? When do they realize it’s not OK for people to be laughing at your expense? When do they acknowledge that it hurts?

It's hard not to take it personally when attacks feel so personal.

When a bully oversteps the bounds of appropriate behavior the response may be more than they bargained for. The bully blithely teases or harasses without knowing the history of their target's early experiences with bullying and how sensitive they may be. They don’t expect the kind of reaction they may get.

Bullying and repeated teasing are not just harmless jokes and pranks – there often are long-term effects.

I have no clue about Jonathan Martin's experiences growing up. However, when the bullying got to him, he found a way to escape the abusive barrage. He took care of himself by going AWOL and returning to his family.

Richie Incognito say he regrets the racist and profane language, but adds it stemmed from a culture of locker-room "brotherhood," not bullying.

He labels this conduct " a normal part of the locker room environment."

Really? Just a little locker room humor I presume!

I know well about "locker room humor." A couple of years ago I, too, was the recipient of some of it.

Someone who I barely knew in college decades later sent out a bullying and harassing email fabricating a story about me. Many of the dozens of alums he sent it to were appalled at his childish and sexist behavior and put pressure on him to apologize.

He complied by dismissively describing it as “an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor. “

Like many others, I know too well how "a little locker room humor" can backfire.

I knew that I had to stand up for myself, using appropriate channels. Taking those steps was empowering and I needed that.

Perhaps Jonathan Martin feels the same way.

I made a decision to no longer tolerate this kind of inappropriate behavior in my life. Maybe Jonathan Martin made the same decision.

It takes courage to acknowledge feelings of shame and humiliation that come from being harassed and bullied.

I know how much courage it takes to take a stand.

Jonathan Martin chose to walk away. Leaving/quitting is certainly one option. So often we see things in terms of 'Either/Or.' Staying and 'taking it' or quitting and leaving.

There may have been other options available to him and I hope he tried them. One would be speaking directly to the powers that be to see if they would be willing to work with him to correct the situation. That's really hard to do, though, when the sport has a long history of closing their eyes to inappropriate behavior.

Does this story bring up memories of harassment, bullying or hazing for you, too?

Do you have a story to share?

And I'd love to hear your ideas about these kinds of abusive behaviors in general and the Martin/Incognito/Dolphins situation in particular.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

I've written several blogs about the reasons for, the effects of  and what to do about bullying behavior. Feel free to read and share these entries.

On Being 'Different'

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/05/its_not_easy_be.html

On Shame and Humiliation:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/06/ive_never_felt_.html

On Cyber-Bullying:
 
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/10/the-horror-of-it-all-repercussions-from-bullying.html

On Bullying in Politics, The Workplace, With Peers AND Some Bully-busting Tips:
 
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/08/well-bully-bully-for-you---in-politics-the-workplace-with-peers.html

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back  

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/06/feeling-dissed-at-work-heres-how-to-bounce-back.html

The Collection of Bullying Blogs from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Coping with the Boston Marathon Bombing

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I guess I'm writing this to comfort myself.

I've been in shock and withdrawn since the Boston Marathon bombings. Cocooning. Stuck.

I haven't been able to write the e-letter I'd planned. Or post to social media. I've been spending hours online re-reading every news update and watching the videos, even I often faint at the sight of blood.

I’m slowly coming back into the world again.

My heart goes out to the families of those who died and are injured. My heart goes out to everyone who witnessed the horror and to the residents of Boston whose space was so severely violated.

My heart goes out to everyone for whom time stands still with endless waiting for new information about the condition of loved ones and friends.

In these frozen moments families are hoping against hope and dreading against dread. 

And my heart goes out to our veterans and active-duty military who have been re-traumatized by the sounds and images from Boston.

This is an unsettling time.

The Power of Fear

When you get right down to it, I'm scared.

I find myself crumpling under the weight of the images of the bombings: the blood, the suffering of victims and their families, the hugeness of the horror.

I know this sounds weird, but there is another image that keeps running through my head. I imagine what it might have been like for Suspect #2, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, hiding from police under the tarp of that 20 foot boat in a Watertown backyard. Was he conscious? What was he thinking about as he lie there?

And in my imaginings I hear his mother's voice: "Go to your room and stay there until you think long and hard about what you've done!"

Fear brings on worry, apprehension, anxiety and feelings of helplessness, uncertainty and insecurity. It can be debilitating.

When these powerful responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.

And a small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I know this voice all too well. It whispers to me when I feel vulnerable —and becomes unbearably loud when my safety is threatened. For those of us who have experienced trauma at any age, we can go quickly to this place of fear and apprehension.

Many of us have experienced disasters in our lifetime: natural disasters, terrorist attacks, life-threatening illnesses and family tragedies. 

For me, of course, the most traumatic was the tragedy of my mother and grandmother dying in a plane crash when I was twelve. In an instant our family’s whole world turned upside down.

I also often felt afraid working as a social worker in San Francisco: unexpectedly coming across drug deals on the project stairwells when the elevators were jammed, being shot at from a window and missed by a few inches, and the time a client tried to strangle me.

Looking at Loss

Losses and disappointments play a role here as well. Most of us have experiences that can be characterized as "loss." From loss of jobs and income to loss of homes and well-being and identity . . . and hope. Loss of school friends because of a move to another city. Loss of the freedom to fearlessly attend public events. Loss of a parent through separation, divorce, illness or death. These tragedies take an emotional toll on our spirit and well-being.

These cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day tragedies.

I have learned to expect that each time I feel afraid and unsafe and insecure these memories return in a PTSD-ish kind of way. I also expect I will most likely be a little foggy, maybe irritable, and I'll have a tendency to cocoon and withdraw for a few days.

Are you experiencing some of the same reactions? I said earlier that I was writing this in an effort to comfort myself. Let me know if my musings afford you some comfort as well.

What a lonely time this can be. You, too, may find it difficult to reach out to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.

Reaching Out

Have you been able to connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then read your words out loud to yourself or to someone else. It makes all the difference.

Acting Out Instead of Talking Out

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out. Acting out is one way of releasing tension. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, slam doors or engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds up when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

As a therapist and workplace coach I've helped clients all week to process their confusion and feelings in the wake of the bombings. And I guess it's helped me as well to get through it.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea but it doesn't always go smoothly. What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you and you don't feel supported by them?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted feelings can easily get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each other's individual styles, misunderstandings can lead to anger and resentment and there's barely room for connection.

And connection with others is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping

- Give yourself permission to be upset and afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to try out a different response.

 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare or judge.

  - Make a plan and incorporate a routine. It provides structure and reassurance.

 - Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Once you create options for yourself, you won't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping into a sense of your power.

Move One Finger at a Time

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time. Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned and it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move.

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck.

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Breathe in the Colors

My own personal favorite when I'm in a negative place is to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins makes a difference to my feeling of well-being. While I'm walking I breathe in the colors around me; the trees, plants, flowers, buildings, cars. This keeps me present and grounded. And appreciative of my world.

Unblocking Energy and Moving It Around

Here's some imagery from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' which may be helpful.

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space.

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving and flowing.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

I’d very much like to hear your experiences with loss and fear. You can e-mail me at [email protected] or post under comments in the box  at the bottom this blog entry.

Resources:

Here is a terrific piece by Patricia Watson, PhD on coping with distress, traumatic stress and PTSD

http://huff.to/17GWnQt

More about Elayne's experience with the tragedy of the plane crash;

'There Is To Be No Grieving’

http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 

Breaches of Trust, Betrayals and Looking the Other Way - Part 2

By Elayne Savage, PhD

This is the first time I've written a part 2 follow-up in 5 1/2 years of publishing my TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com blog  – but here we go . . .

I was incredibly moved by the guilty on 45 of 48 counts verdict on Jerry Sandusky.

In November, 2011, I shared my feelings about this case and how it touched a nerve with me – both personally and professionally as a Child Protective Services worker for so many years.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2011/11/penn-state-breaches-of-trust-betrayals-and-looking-the-other-way.html

My feelings in response to the verdict are even more powerful . . . and empowering. The victim-y residue has lasted far too long. I only hope the verdict is as empowering for the victims of Jerry Sandusky and others who have endured abuse by family, teachers, mentors. coaches . . . or whoever abused power in these kinds of ways. Abuse has many colorations: sexual, physical, emotional maltreatment and neglect.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/abuse/

Interestingly, just before the Sandusky verdict someone posted a comment about  my September 2009 blog about spankings. Her sister had just shared that blog post with her and she in turn shares her experience of childhood spankings – and their long term effects – with us.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/09/thoughts-on-spanking-children.html

And only a few minutes after her post, the Sandusky verdict came down!

After 15 years of not paying attention to complaints of abuse, the state of Pennsylvania finally wised up. They brought 48 counts against Jerry Sandusky and the jury found him guilty of 45!

Yet I still find myself asking, as I did in my earlier blog on Sandusky and Penn State officials:

Why did they look the other way for so long?

Why did it take 15 years to stop this man?

How many more boys have been vulnerable to the abusive sexual overtures of Jerry Sandusky over these years?

The good news is investigations are still going on about why Penn State officials did nothing to protect these at-risk kids that Jerry Sandusky coached and mentored through his Second Chance Foundation.

Hopefully this is a heads up for parents and authorities. Hopefully this verdict will give other victims permission to speak up about the mistreatment, shame and humiliation they have endured. Hopefully, other perpetrators will be stopped.

 Life-long and Life-changing Consequences

Attorney General Linda Kelly talks about the "life-long and life-changing consequences" for his victims. In spite of her skipping over the fact that it took 15 years for justice, the video is worth watching. She asks, "Who would believe a kid?" We in Belleforte, PA  could and would believe a kid." . . . Well, yes, but it took authorities 15 years since the first report by child and parent surfaced in 1998.

Here's the link to the Attorney General's comments:

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/22/12365711-landmark-day-reaction-to-guilty-verdict-in-sandusky-child-sex-abuse-trial?lite

As Kelly states, "where there is one victim, there very likely are more." No surprise that Sandusky's adopted son, Matt, now alleges sexual abuse by Jerry Sandusky. Especially since we found out Matt's ex-wife was trying to protect her children by getting a restraining order when Sandusky was first arrested in November, prohibiting  her three children from sleeping over their grandparents home.

Just Call 1-800-4-ACHILD If You Think Someone Might Be Abusing a Child

Perhaps you, too, know of children who could use some protecting from inappropriate sexually, physically or emotionally abusive behavior - or neglect.

 I'm hoping this verdict will give permission to those who have been abused by an adult – and to caring adults in their lives – to come forward.

 You can call  800-4-ACHILD  or contact your local police, or sherif or Child Protective Services Agency.

 Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it. 

Thanks for listening. As you can tell this is an emotional topic for me. This jury verdict brings validation and justice - for myself and in the name of every other  child who has experienced this kind of lopsided abuse of power by an adult.

And hopefully it will help balance how we view the safety of our world  . . . and the people in it.

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Your thoughts? I'd love to here from you . . . [email protected]

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Penn State: Breaches of Trust, Betrayals and Looking the Other Way

by Elayne Savage, PhD

What an abuse of power! How could it take 15 years before authorities intervened and someone did something to stop the abuse and protect the children?

New stories keep emerging about Penn State and Jerry Sandusky. And now there are accusations about The Citadel and Syracuse University. What are the odds there’ll be more?

You are probably familiar with the Grand Jury indictment details. If you want an excellent timeline, here's a link.

 http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/college/penn-state-scandal-timeline-sex-abuse-scandal-rocked-happy-valley-article-1.976843#ixzz1ddbvOb6N

Trying to make sense of it all, I began to write down my feelings. Like so many of you, I too have been touched by this story and found it stirred up childhood experiences. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you. Perhaps my reflections will help you sort through your own reactions.

The most disturbing aspect of all this is the grownups' failure to protect the children.

 Wearing Blinders and Failing to Protect

Some of my visceral reactions are personal. But you might have guessed that. Childhood memories come flooding back – of all the times I felt unsupported, unprotected and betrayed by adults who should have been acting like adults, but didn't. Or couldn't. Or wouldn't.

Part of my response is professional. My coaching and psychotherapy clients want to talk about feeling abandoned by grownups who should have protected them. They describe the loneliness of dealing with the humiliation of abuse. How they were afraid to tell anyone. The distress that comes with keeping secrets.

Writing this has been quite a process for me. Usually I send out these e-letter/blogs after one or two drafts. This one has taken much reflection and many drafts.

Many of you know I'm a psychotherapist and workplace coach specializing in how not to take rejection and disappointment so personally. Do you also know my ideas on rejection came out of many years in Child Protective Services in San Francisco?

In over 25 years in private practice I've worked with hundreds of men and women who were abused as children. I've taught child abuse reporting to mental health professionals. And I was on a task force that defined psychological maltreatment for mental health professionals worldwide.

I thought I'd heard every story imaginable, on every aspect of abuse. I was wrong.

I was astounded to read how, for so many years, Penn State officials did absolutely nothing to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. No one stepped in to stop the abuse. No one made the phone call that would have ended it. Didn't anyone care?

Much of the heartbreak for abuse victims comes from knowing that others did nothing to protect them.

Family members, teachers, clergy, and other responsible adults often appear to be wearing blinders, obscuring their vision, perception and ability to do the right thing.

I'd heard many stories about parental inaction – not protecting children from various kinds of abusive behavior.

Clients relate how their parents would look the other way when they told them about being bullied or abused by schoolmates. Instead of comforting and protecting them, their parents would say, "You need to toughen up." Now, as adults they continue to be wary of others; not daring to ask for help when they need it.

Here's how one woman describes not being protected when her teenage brother abused her. It started at age ten.

"He molested me in his bedroom, which was actually an alcove off the main hallway. There was no door. Mother, going about her chores, would walk back and forth along the hallway. Now she insists, 'I didn't see a thing.'"

Maybe she was ‘looking the other way.’

I asked my client to find out if her mother might have been molested as a child. And indeed she was. Maybe she "didn't see a thing" because it might have stirred up her own painful childhood memories.

My client, now in her mid- forties, feels betrayed by her mother for not stopping the abuse. Like so many other survivors of abuse and neglect, this failure to protect affects her ability to trust. It permeates all of her relationships.

Looking the Other Way

The Penn State powers-that-be seemed to be ‘looking the other way' as well.

For a decade and a half University officials abandoned the children by ignoring, dismissing and rationalizing known actions of Jerry Sandusky.

The message was clear: the reputation of the school was more important than the welfare of the children.

Then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary reported witnessing the rape of a 10 year old in the showers by Sandusky in 2002. Unfortunately his information was reduced to "horsing around in the shower." No report was made to police or the child protection agency as required by law.

Nothing was done at the time to prevent Jerry Sandusky from molesting again.

What prevented PSU officials from acting like responsible adults?
How many other boys have been abused since those first reports?
What toll has it taken on the abused children and their families?

Hero-worship Runs Interference

 Why did Penn State officials do nothing for 15 years? John Baer, PSU alum and Political Columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News captures the political situation at the school:

"The zealous loyalty of its grads and the power of its deity, football . . . . the pull of Penn State football, to a large portion of the state, is nothing short of magnetic."

Baer asks: "Is it an extreme example of an institutional attitude? Evidence of an unspoken doctrine? 'We don't play by the same rules as other, lesser schools.'"

"Charges of a cover up . . . suggest a conspiracy of secrecy, one designed with a single goal: to protect the house that Joe (Paterno) built." 

Baer goes on to say, "the school grew a reputation for self-protection, arrogance and self-righteous superiority. The real world was elsewhere. This was a world unto itself: a better world." 

Was it this attitude of superiority and untouchable-ness that led to covering up these atrocities for so long?

Were they looking the other way?
Were they aiding and abetting?
Were they accessories after the fact?
Did they obstruct justice?

Rationalizations and confused thinking do not excuse actions like these.

How could they so easily sacrifice those young boys, simply to protect their sports program? What kind of reasoning did they give themselves that allowed them to choose not to protect children from further abuse by a sexual predator? 

How could their priorities get so screwed up?

From the Grand Jury report and indictment, we know of the existence of eight victims over this 15-year period. What will the final total be?

What if grownups had stepped in and stopped Sandusky's behavior in 1998, when incidents of sexual abuse were first reported? University President Graham Spanier is a sociologist and family therapist. What was he thinking?

The Long Tentacles of Abuse

Fear and anxiety are constant companions of abused children. For them, it is not a matter of IF the abuse will come, but WHEN it will it come again.

Abused children hold their breath, waiting for the next time, trying to steel themselves against the physical and emotional pain. This fear and anxiety travel with them into adulthood. The effects of abuse are often devastating.

 The American Heart Association presented a recent study linking childhood abuse of women to increased risk of adult heart attacks and strokes. In 2008, the Center for Disease Control found 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment – including neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse – but many more cases go unreported.

http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2011/11/21/hlsb1122.htm

Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect, the messages we take in about the safety of our world and the people in it leave a lasting imprin

Trusting becomes a lifelong struggle.

More than personal relationships become damaged. Workplace problems develop as well. 'Personality Conflicts' are really about distrust, perceived rejection and taking things personally.

Rejection is the Underlying Theme of Childhood Abuse

Rejection is the underlying message running throughout all forms of childhood abuse and neglect.

Whenever sexual or physical abuse occurs, you'll find a psychological message present - of disrespect, degradation and humiliation.

At what point does the world cease to be a safe place?
How long, before self-rejecting messages start to take hold?
When does self-esteem begin to suffer?

The child receives the message he or she is worthless or flawed – valuable only for meeting someone else’s needs.

What a betrayal of trust when an authority figure takes advantage of a vulnerable child! And it is especially difficult for the child to refuse inappropriate advances when that person is a revered mentor, teacher or coach.

As one of Jerry Sandusky's victim's observed, "You just can't tell Jerry ‘No,"

A Glimmer of Hope

I'm writing this because I had to. And with the hope that I might raise awareness about the long-term effects of childhood abuse and neglect.

I especially hope this helps 'give permission' to speak out about being abused, harassed or bullied. The spotlight on the Penn State story hopefully will allow children and adults to talk to someone they can trust – even years after the incidents took place. This could be a parent, teacher, clergyperson or counselor.

When closely held secrets are finally told, healing can follow.

Here's where you can help out. If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.

Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it. 

What do you think? Would you like to have a dialogue about any of the issues raised here? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at [email protected] 

If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues in depth.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

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