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Entries categorized "Style Differences"
July 31, 2023
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In the Spirit of Teamwork
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September 30, 2022
Managing Misunderstandings – Honing Conflict Resolution Skills
By Elayne Savage, PhD
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© Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles
I am excited to be featured again in an interview with Prevention Magazine – this time on conflict resolution.
Here’s the Prevention piece and the link:
Prevention Magazine
9 Conflict Resolution Skills for Strong, Healthy Relationships
These skills and strategies can help keep all your relationships going and growing.
By Shannen Zitz Published: Sep 28, 2022
Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship. They’re stressful, sure, but unfortunately, they can’t always be avoided—which is why it’s key to learn conflict resolution skills to navigate and overcome these high-stress situations.
“Conflict in interpersonal relationships can be broadly defined as any sort of disagreement between two people who are connected in some way—whether friends, colleagues, partners, or relatives,” explains Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Behavioral Health and Wellness Centerin Newton, MA. “The disagreement can be in regards to opinions on something or in values, or related to behaviors.”
While conflict and disagreements are common, it’s also important to know that they’re normal—especially with the people who you interact with regularly. “The benefits we bring to any relationship are in part that we have different opinions, different personalities, different values, and different lived experiences,” Chait says. “As such, it is normal to encounter some conflict. Encountering conflict by itself is rarely the primary issue; the issues arise in how we address the conflict.”
It’s not always easy to address disagreements, but ahead you’ll learn conflict resolution skills to help you on your way to better communication.
Conflict resolution skills and strategies
1. Plan ahead
Sometimes you might want to address conflict right away, but it can be helpful to avoid these types of interactions in the heat of the moment. If one or more parties are upset, be sure to take some distance so that everyone can collect their thoughts and emotions. “It can be very helpful to then both agree on a time and place when you’ll discuss the conflict, that way both parties come into the discussion aware of what will be discussed with time to prepare,” Chait says.
2. Stay respectful
The goal for conflict resolution in both personal and workplace relationships is “keeping space available for respectful and clear communication,” explains Elayne Savage, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. Try to think about a few attributes in the other person that you respect or admire, and keep those things in mind when approaching the conversation. When you do this, you are likely to speak in ways that make the other person feel valued despite the conflict.
3. Practice active listening
“The most important thing about any of these interactions with somebody else is to feel listened to, to feel heard, and to feel understood,” Savage explains. Be sure to share your perspective and feelings clearly, but also listen with intention and understanding when the other person shares their thoughts. This type of active listening will make for better communication overall, and allow you both to come to a mutual understanding more easily.
4. Avoid placing blame
If a person feels they are being blamed for their role in the conflict, they are likely to feel upset and act defensively. Chait suggests using “I” statements when sharing your perspective on the situation and focusing on how you feel rather than what they may have done to decrease the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked.
5. Make it about “we”
In addition to using “I” statements when discussing your feelings, be sure to use “we” statements when discussing ways to move forward and resolve the conflict. Try framing the conversation in terms of “‘what is best for both of us’ or ‘what is best for the workplace,’” Savage explains.
6. Focus on actions
After creating space for open, clear, and respectful communication where both parties have the chance to share their own point of view, “focusing on behaviors or actions rather than personality traits that can’t be changed,” is helpful in coming to a mutual understanding for moving forward, according to Chait.
7. Don’t take things personally
“Step away from whatever’s going on, especially from any part of it that you might be taking personally,” Savage suggests. “If you can separate yourself just a little bit, you’re able to ask: ‘What are my options here?’ ‘Do I have to be upset?’ ‘Do I have to be hurt?’ ‘Is there another explanation for this? Another way to think about this?’”
8. Avoid filling in the blanks
Making presumptions about where the other person is coming from is bound to make communication a little muddy. Savage recommends checking in with yourself while you are actively listening to the other person to make sure you are not making any assumptions—ask yourself if you are totally clear about the meaning of the other person’s words, and if you aren’t, give them an opportunity to repeat or clarify.
9. Schedule a check-in
Once you use effective conflict resolution skills to come to a mutual understanding, the work is not yet done. “Any conflict resolution conversation should end with plans for how to work on this going forward in order to avoid falling into a pattern of conflict,” Chait says. Try also setting up a plan to check in down the line to ensure everyone feels satisfied and is upholding their end of the agreement.
Why conflicts occur
Conflict can happen for many reasons, but it mainly comes down to disagreement and disappointment. Disagreement that leads to conflict often stems from “incompatible ideas that become antagonistic,” explains Savage. “It often then becomes a struggle about who’s right—people get invested in being right and that’s where a lot of the conflict comes from.”
A lack of clear communication is also a common culprit for most situations of conflict, Savage notes. When one party is not clear on what they need, the other party cannot be clear on the issue or potential ways to overcome the issue.
Similarly, listening is a big part of communication—and if one or more parties are not listening actively and with empathy, communication tends to become skewed.
Another important piece of the puzzle is feelings of disappointment and rejection. The sum of our lived experiences growing up in the world affects who we are today, and what we expect from people. “When these expectations aren’t met, that can feel disappointing and even like rejection, which is definitely something that can lead to conflict,” Savage explains.
So what does conflict look like? It’s helpful to think of conflicts professionally and personally, but the core of these types of conflict is usually the same feelings of disagreement and disappointment. Chait notes that common examples of conflicts that occur in the workplace are differences in opinions on how to approach a problem, different values as it pertains to work-life balance, and different personality styles that may clash in work settings. Conflicts that occur in relationships with family and partners are “similar, but the topics may be different,” Chait explains. “While at work, you may have [a] conflict with someone about whether or not you should have to work rigid hours or have a flexible schedule, and at home you may disagree with your partner about whether to have a rigid schedule with your children or be more flexible.”
Why you should try conflict resolution
“Conflict resolution is the key to overcoming conflict and is necessary in order to keep healthy relationships,” Chait says. “Having the skills necessary to address conflict in a way that works for everyone involved is critical.” Additionally, these skills will extend even further in equipping the people involved with the necessary skills and knowledge to efficiently rise above conflict moving forward.
Lots of people tend to ignore conflict and consider themselves people who don’t like confrontation. But avoiding conflict is rarely a solution, and usually creates unhealthy patterns and cycles that become more difficult to solve. Plus, it’s hard maintaining healthy, happy relationships with unresolved conflict looming—there’s likely to be a constant feeling of tension between those involved and they may actually behave differently, like not sharing their opinions and avoiding interactions that might start another bout of conflict, Chait explains.
Misunderstandings often cause conflict, but the hurt feelings that come from these instances of misunderstanding are also dangerous. “Hurt feelings can lead to taking things personally, and even anger. But the biggest problem is that they often lead to resentment,” Savage says. When conflict resolution is avoided, this resentment builds and builds to the point where “there's no space available for respectable clear, defined communication, or for teamwork.”
https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a41424072/conflict-resolution-skills/
But Wait, There’s More
One of the great things about writing a blog, is I can reprint something and add to it!
Here are a few ideas that didn’t make it into the Prevention piece and I’m adding or expanding on them here for you.
Helps to remember that most conflicts don’t just involve just the two of you. You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation.
So consider how during a discussion each of you might have several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers, coaches. And each is clamoring to get a word in, or an opinion or a judgment or a criticism or advice.
And you might find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and wondering where on earth your words are coming from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.
It sure can be a struggle to respect and accept someone's
style of doing things when it's different from your own.
I also have something to add about avoiding angry confrontations. If a discussion is becoming heated, consider taking a ‘time out’ to regain your composure. Excusing yourself to stand up and get a drink of water. Or excusing yourself to walk into the restroom and doing some slow counting to 10 and deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation.
Here are a couple of previous blogs addressing some of these challenges:
Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html
Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?
Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?
© Elayne Savage
Would love to hear your ideas for managing misunderstandings!
the Comment Box on the blog site: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 31, 2019
Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?
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By Elayne Savage, PhD
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Last month I blogged about the complexity and confusion about family ‘rules,’ using stories about the Royal Family as a segue into this often troubling topic.
I was pointing out how rules get passed down from generation to generation and these generational, cultural and gender differences can lead to relationship problems.
I described how the problem areas are usually generational, gender or cultural differences regarding:
• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.
Some of you were curious about how these messages might contribute to difficult situations in the workplace, especially around feeling unappreciated, misunderstood and rejected,
Serendipitously I received a request for an interview from Ariana Huffington’s new well-being site, Thrive Global.
The topic was:
And a huge influence of how we handle rejection and disappointment in the workplace is based on spoken and unspoken messages that we learned in our family.
Let’s take a look at how these generational family messages influence our interactions.
A Jam-Packed Room
Has this ever happened to you?
You are having a meeting with your manager or co-worker. You open your mouth to say something and someone else’s words come out.
The words or tone seem to take on their own powerful energy. What just happened here?
Well, first of all, there are not just two people in the room. Each of you has several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers. And every one of them has to have their say, each has to get a word in, or an opinion, or a judgment or advice.
And you may find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and not having a clue where on earth these words came from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.
Because each participant’s family is floating around the office, the room can get crowded by all the thoughts and beliefs of each family member wanting to put in his or her two cents’ worth to liven up the discussion or negotiations. Again, all those old messages and influences need to be recognized and identified and booted out to make room for the thoughts and words of the two people involved.
The Power of Cultural Influences on Our Workplace Interactions
Our families learned their “ways” via cultural influences going back many generations, affecting beliefs and values, comfortable closeness and distance. Our frame of reference is our cultural upbringing.
Cultural experiences can create different styles that lead to misunderstandings and taking things personally. For example, families of various ethnic backgrounds may show caring and connection to others by raising their voices, by nagging, through food, by doing favors to curry favor.
Let’s look at “culture” as meaning gender attitudes, ethnicity, country, area of the country, and even our city and neighborhood. All of these factors can influence how we think about time and space, our comfort zone, and how we learn to balance closeness and distance. Let’s classify these variations as “style differences” and take a look at how they influence our work environment.
Privacy vs. Intrusiveness
A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’
I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.
For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors. Can you can see how there night be privacy issues her where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?
I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.
For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors. Can you can see how there night be privacy issues her where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?
I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.
Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.
Communication: Definition vs. Vagueness
Another difference of style learned in our families has to do with whether conversations are clear and direct or general and vague. Maybe your families style was to encourage defined agreements, with a beginning and end. Or, maybe their style was to be casual, unplanned, noncommittal. Trying to discuss or negotiate with a co-worker or manager with a different communication style from yours can be maddening.
Asking Questions: Encouraged or Forbidden?
Some of us grew up in a family where curiosity and asking questions was welcomed or discouraged. I hear stories that in some families asking questions was even forbidden.
One man I know was afraid to ask his manager to clarify things and pretended he understood how to approach a task or project when he really didn’t. The reason? In his family if he asked a question the response was, “Are you stupid or something?” So at work he was petrified someone would think he was stupid so he avoided clarifying. Instead he was spending enormous amounts of energy trying to figure things out and worrying about how he might screw up.
There are lots of stories in Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection about how family messages color our workplace situations including poor communication leading to misunderstandings and taking things personally, the need to appear perfect, struggles about asking for a raise or to be assigned a certain project, or promotion, excessive worrying about an imagined negative outcome, feeling left out of peer socializing, unrealistic expectations that lead to huge disappointments that feel like rejection.
So Where Do These Messages Come From?
When we consider the backdrop of early experiences, beliefs, and rules, the meanings and intentions of present interactions become clearer.
Situations at your job may replicate your very own growing up experiences. You might have to work with someone who ignores you, or insults and bullies you, or does not treat you fairly. So you may find similar issues coming up at work that you experienced growing up—things such as loyalties and betrayals, secrets, alliances and coalitions, and communication deviances. You may find yourself reacting the way your family “taught” you to react.
Where exactly do these generational messages come from? How can you learn to recognize them, especially the subtle ones?
I often do a genogram with clients to look for family patterns. In this family diagram it’s helpful to go back three generations, even if names and details aren’t known. This isn’t a diagram of history like a family tree where you look for dates and historical facts; it’s diagram of repetitive patterns and family messages that get passed down from generation to generation. I like to try to go back three generations.
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Because of my interest in how fear of rejection affects personal and work relationships, I tend to look for patterns of acceptance or rejection messages that might have been passed down. This includes the unavailability of parents due to work priorities or substance use or separation/divorce. It includes family “scripts” such as good/ bad, success/failure. Other messages passed down are personal safety issues, trust issues, guilt feelings and anger. It includes the necessity of leaving their county because their life depended on it or being forced coerced to leave.
And then we can look for various patterns of abandonment, such as chronic illness or early deaths or sudden moves by parents.
When we did a genogram, one man discovered a pattern of disownings that took different forms throughout the generations. He’d had no idea such occurrences happened in his family. No wonder her felt so unappreciated and unsupported at work.
What Can We Do About This?
–– Work toward developing clear respectful communication, avoiding misunderstandings. Yes, even though I know it can be difficult, I encourage and coach my therapy and workplace consulting clients to practice asking questions to make sure they are clear about someone’s meaning.
These four questions help to achieve clarity if meaning is unclear to you:
“This is what I heard you say ____________________.
Is it what you said?
Is it what you meant?”
(The person you are checking out meaning with gets 3 opportunities to clarify!)
–– Try to respect differences rather then feel threatened by them.
–– If a meeting or discussion starts to feel weird or overwhelming, take a “time out” to collect your thoughts. Excuse yourself, saying, “I’ll be back in a moment.” Go down the hall, get a drink of water, take several deep breaths, and regain your composure and balance.
Counting to ten helps a lot. And taking ten slow deep breaths along with the count helps even more. Ten long seconds does a lot toward taking the charge off.
–– Separate the “then’ from the ‘now.” Try to remember to remind yourself that the person in the room with you is not really your Dad or Aunt Sally or Uncle Sam or your brother or sister or teacher or coach.
–– Try to keep one foot out of the quicksand. Stay in the present instead of letting the past swallow you up.
–– By “walking alongside yourself”and mindfully noticing you can be more objective about yourself and the situation. And ‘mindful’ means without judgement.
Notice your patterns of behavior and what they lead to. Notice the response of others to you.
–– Ask yourself ”Do I want to continue down the same path or do I want to go back to the fork in the road and try out a different road to my goals.”
Changing behavior is pretty hard to do unless you can identify what the behavior is. By “walking alongside yourself” you are objectively noticing, and you can “make a choice to make a change.”
You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?”
Let me know if/how I can be helpful to you in this process.
Would love to hear your thoughts and ideas . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
December 31, 2018
What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
Sure I know you’re most likely completely over-saturated by all the gossipy stories on the Royals. And yet, attention to these centuries old Royal ways gives us an opportunity to recognize how family traditions and different styles of doing things can cause confusion and family tension.
And these almost daily media reports give me an a fantastic opportunity to write to write about how these kinds of misunderstandings can easily lead to hurt feelings and taking things personally.
Clients are telling me that they are experiencing some of the same experiences as the Royals. When we get right down to it, different styles of thinking, doing things and behaving seems to be the culprit in so many family misunderstandings.
The problem areas are usually generational or gender or cultural differences regarding:
- maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
- ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
- ways of coping with stress.
- allowing empathy and understanding of the experiences of others
- respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
- celebrations and gift-giving.
As you can imagine, gift-giving is an especially hot topic - lots more on this below.
The Royals seem to try to avoid holiday problems by wrapping themselves in tradition and protocol, resolutely sticking to the way they’ve done things for centuries.
For example they do not invite in-laws to Christmas dinner – only the Royal family and their spouse and the children. This means the families of spouses are never invited!
This tradition and the ones that follow are described in colorful detail by the Evening Standard. The headline of course dishes on the Meghan Markle angle, yet the descriptions are wonderfully informative. (See link below.)
The Evening Standard says it so well: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever.”
Here are some highlights:
All guests spending the holiday with the Queen and Prince Philip at the Queen's Sandringham Estate are told in what order they are to arrive and exactly at what time.
Instead of opening presents on Christmas Day, the Royal Family exchanges gifts on Christmas Eve in the Red Drawing Room during tea time. The present-giving is presided over by Prince Philip. Cheap and joke gifts are encouraged.
Dinner requires a black tie dress code.
Christmas Day begins with a downstairs “fry-up breakfast” for the male members of the family (for those of us across the pond this includes bacon, fried, poached or scrambled eggs, fried or grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms, fried bread or buttered toast, and sausages.) Most of the women have something lighter brought up to their rooms.
The family then walks to St. Mary Magdalene church on the grounds of Sandringham Estate at 11am for the Christmas morning service.
After church, the family sits down for Christmas lunch. It sounds like the menu is pretty much the same every year: salad with shrimp or lobster followed by roasted turkey, and side dishes of parsnips, carrots, Brussels sprouts. Dessert is Christmas pudding with brandy butter.
One more important tradition: Royal Family members are traditionally weighed on a pair of antique scales before and after their Christmas dinner dating back to King Edward VII. I can’t help but wonder if there is someone whose job it is to announce each person’s weight out loud!
A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever!
Respecting Style Differences and Not Feeling Threatened By Them
The Evening Standard’s observation is worth repeating: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into,”
Celebrating holidays can be stressful for most of us — we all grew up in different families with different ways of doing things. Some of us may even feel disloyal to our own families if we adopt the ‘ways’ of our partner.
Each family has been influenced by culture, gender, ethnicity, race and nationality. Even by the area of the country and the city and the neighborhood we grew up in.
Each family absorbs rules and roles and attitudes and values and beliefs and expectations and traditions passed down through the generations. Unfortunately too often each person has a “this is how we’ve always done it in my family” stance which translates to “my way is better than your way.”
I often help couples develop respectful strategies for navigating these problems. One way is by coaching young families in creating ways to create their own traditions around Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years and other holidays important to them.
They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents, whether to decorate or not, whether to open presents Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning.
I just heard this story about the first Christmas morning with in-laws. “I came downstairs in my pajamas and robe like I always did with my own family, and my mother-in-law was all dressed up in her heavy makeup, jewelry and high heels!”
The Biggest Problem of All: Gift-giving and Receiving
Holidays and birthdays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something personally. Part of the problem is expecting someone will read your mind and then getting disappointed.
It goes back to being a little kid and having your heart set on that certain doll or fire truck or game. Some of us have never forgotten that sinking feeling when you do’t get it and the sadness of these childhood disappointments.
When any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of hurt that have stockpiled over the years.
And Disappointment Feels Like Rejection
It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for or when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present. You know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.
But wait, maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hoping for.
And what if you happen to be the gift-giver? Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose. Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? Is their reaction what you were hoping for? What do you tell yourself?
Looking Toward Future Generations
I love working with couples toward:
• creating their own family traditions.
• finding ways to respect family and cultural style differences.
• adopting a partner's "ways" without feeling disloyal to your own family.
• managing gift-giving without hurt feelings.
• making a real attempt to have empathy and understanding for other’s experiences.
Being clear about needs and feelings helps a lot:
• Be clear and defined about knowing your needs and putting them out to your family. No one can read your mind and unrealistic expectations are a setup for disappointment.
• And if something upsets you, be clear about what it is. Too often we act out our feelings by pouting or sulking or freezing out the other person.
I’m hoping this discussion about differences in the personal styles and traditions of families encourages respecting and embracing these differences and not feeling so threatened by them. And I hope this perspective helps to create understanding and good will.
Happy New Year everyone!
Wishing you a year filled with peace, respect — and hope.
Link: Evening Standard: Royal Family Christmas traditions: How the Queen, Meghan Markle and the royals will be celebrating this year
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 30, 2014
December 22, 2013
Tips for Suriving the Holidays
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Last month, just before Thanksgiving, I shared some tips for navigating family gatherings. Some of you asked for more tips for surviving the upcoming holidays.
So here we go . . .
Holiday Hype
It helps to separate the hype from actuality. This year those ads of 'make believe' started appearing even earlier than usual. The purpose, of course, is to build up your Great Holiday Expectations.
Weeks before Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the 'Happy Family' and 'Perfect Present' ads.
Wow. What a set-up for disappointment this is!
And I'm here to remind you that unrealistic expectations usually lead to disappointments.
All too often, disappointments feel like rejection.
Tips for Handling the Holidays
Besides the tips I offered last month for 'talking to the turkeys at the table,' the best way to deal with family stress is to be creative in taking time-outs to collect your thoughts and regain your composure.
Excusing yourself, doing some slow breathing, and counting to ten all work wonders to help regain your balance (and your dignity, too.)
- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to get a drink of water.
- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle this?"
- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car. This lets you be independent about your transportation and your time and space. You even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stresses of too much family time.
When someone's behavior is too obnoxious to ignore, rather than overreacting, why not try a different tack?
- Try to find something about that person you can like, maybe even respect. For example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes. Then while you are talking with them concentrate on that redeeming feature.
When the person sees respect in your eyes, they are more likely to respond positively to you. Are you wiling to give it a try? It sure beats time spent glaring at each other.
As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - including the workplace.
Each Family has 'Their Way'
It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about the holidays. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different traditions for celebrating and different expectations about exchanging gifts.
I often coach young families in creating ways to make their own traditions around birthdays, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, New Years and other holidays important to them.
They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents or whether to decorate or not.
Gift-giving Dilemmas
The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt ands takes something personally.
Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right' present?
Gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for.
Most of us have felt some disappointment on the receiving end as well. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present.
You might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe sometimes it doesn't. But what about the times your feelings get hurt?
And you know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.
But wait, maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected yet. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hankering for.
Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait with baited breath to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose?
Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? What do you tell yourself?
Again, these are situations where disappointments feel like rejection.
Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of disappointment.
Caring is Not Symmetrical
Sometimes we expect caring to be symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring is different from our own.
We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of gift-giving – in our families.
Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments, there is really a charge to the subject of gift-giving. This generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation.
Gift-giving Tips
- Know what you want. If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to figure it out.
- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.
- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to buy for you. It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you. They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.
Look for more ideas about gift-giving in the February blog - just in time for Valentine's Day.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Happy Holidays everyone! Wishing you a healthy, adventurous and wonder-filled New Year.
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' ®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking programs,
coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
March 01, 2013
Honoring Your Differences Instead of Feeling Threatened By Them
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Sometimes we make someone 'bad' or 'wrong' – just because they have a different point of view or way of doing things. We don't see eye to eye and before we know it, we're taking these differences personally.
What would it take for you to appreciate, honor and respect someone else's needs and ideas? What would it take to welcome these differences – instead of feeling threatened by them?
Allowing the space for expression of different ideas is key to successful work and personal relationships.
Too often differences in style lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentments, bitterness, and distancing. Feelings flare up with lightning speed, damaging closeness and connection.
It helps to keep in mind that neither style is right or wrong – it just is. Because the other person is not like us, we begin to think the problem lies with them. You may find yourself thinking, "If only they would change, it would solve everything." Hmmmm. What if they think YOU should be the one to change to be more like them?
Those Pesky Trouble Spots
How many of these relationship trouble spots do you recognize?
– One person needs more privacy than the other.
– One person needs definition. The other does better being vague.
– One person wants predictability. The other is pretty unpredictable.
– One is comfortable expressing feelings. The other feels awkward and vulnerable.
– One is giving (of compliments, of time, of energy.) The other tends to withhold.
– One deals with anxiety by freezing and feeling stuck. The other deals with anxiety by mobilizing and taking charge.
– One shows caring by doing extra favors. The other misses the intent because it is too subtle.
– One goes to bed early most nights. The other is a night owl.
– One can give and receive apologies. The other struggles with this.
– Even differences in giving driving directions can be a source of irritation.
– And of course the biggest taking-it-personally trouble spot for couples centers around gift giving – and receiving. Mostly from expecting the other person to read your mind, which is a set-up for hurt feelings because of unrealistic expectations and disappointment.
Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China
It's not surprising we have different way of doing things. After all, we grew up in different families. Ways of doing things in each of our families are reflections of the generations that came before.
Style differences are influenced by our cultural upbringing. This includes family, generational and gender attitudes of course. But it also includes ethnicity, race, and nationality. Even the area of the country, the city and the neighborhood you grew up in.
Indeed, Grandma passes down more than just her china. She and Grandpa pass down lots of family ways of looking at life and relationships – attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, expectations, disappointments and messages of acceptance and rejection. Included here are attitudes toward secretiveness, openness, trust, and displays of affection. Maybe even giving driving directions!
How often have you heard: "This is how we've always done it in my family?" Which translates to "My way is better than your way."
Wow. So much to keep in mind when interacting in personal or workplace situations!
It's OK to Be Different!
Lucky you if you were encouraged to be our own person when you were growing up. Lucky you if your individuality was appreciated. But for some of us, family members felt uncomfortable with our nonconfomity.' They needed us to be like them – and we were criticized or even punished for attempting to be our own person.
If we didn't grow up feeling accepted, it's sometimes difficult to be accepting of others. Try to remind yourself just because someone acts, thinks or feels differently than you, it does not have to be threatening. And you don't have to take it personally.
I'd love to hear your ideas on this topic. What ideas above are familiar to you? How have you handled these situations?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
February 07, 2013
On Valentine’s Day Is the Value of Your Relationship Tied Up in a Gift?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Here are some helpful tips for navigating Valentine's Day whether you are in a relationship or unattached.
If you are currently in a relationship:
Are you crossing your fingers and hoping your honey will read your mind?
Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for?
And are you disappointed once again?
Could your disappointment even feel like a rejection?
One man I know tells this story: "I'm afraid to buy even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so anxious that I might choose the wrong one, I just don't buy anything.
"If I can't even buy a card so how can I try venturing into the realm of buying a gift. I would most likely go from shop to shop to shop trying to decide on the 'right' one. And I'd probably just give up."
"You'd be guessing correctly that whoever I'm dating at the time gets pretty upset with me. They get disappointed and hurt. Then they want to break up."
Set-up for Disappointment
Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations can be set-ups for disappointment. Especially on Valentine's Day. And we know too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to resentment.
Most of these disappointments come from unrealistic hopes and expectations.
One Valentine's Day I really wanted a certain book of poetry. I thought I had dropped some pretty good hints. The hints didn't work and I didn't get the book. I can remember being very hurt. And yes, taking it personally!
Maybe if I'd had the skills back then to ask directly and clearly for the specific gift I wanted, I just might have received it.
Clearly subtle hints might not work. More obvious hints may not work either. However, If only you can say what you really want.
Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out to dinner with you at __________ restaurant. And I'd like you to make the reservation."
So here comes Valentine's Day. Just around the corner. How can you can make this Valentine’s Day a success and avoid misunderstandings and disappointments?
How can you keep your expectations reasonable and be clear about what you want from the other person?
7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day
Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:
If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what you yearn for.
-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able. Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.
-3 Don't let the fear of choosing the wrong card or gift ruin the day. All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for fear of making a wrong choice. So they get sort of paralyzed and don't do anything.
TIP: Would it make gift-giving easier if you ask your honey to pick out 2 or 3 possibilities at a favorite shop. Then you can go in and choose one of them as the gift. It's even a surprise which one you decide to pick.
-4 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind yourself not to feel slighted if it's "different than the way you'd do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.
-5 Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work very well if it seems like an "afterthought."
-6 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each others 'ways.' Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too mucenergy and relationship space. Leave room for connection and intimacy.
I want to highlight the point above about honoring style differences. Especially around gift-giving and receiving. There’s so much more to say about style differences, I'll be writing a follow up blog shortly.
And Whether you are Attached or Unattached:
1. Give yourself the gift of love.
2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite plant or flowers.
3. Consider buying that little gift you've been wanting.
4. Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.
5. Be grateful for the people in your world who you are lucky enough to love.
6. Appreciate the people who love and care about you.
7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a wider arc than just your little corner of the world.
And remind yourself:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Happy Valentine's Day. And as my mentor Susan Jeffers always says: From my heart to yours . . .
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
December 16, 2007
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