Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

In the Spirit of Teamwork

By Elayne Savage, PhD https://abc17news.com/news/2023/02/24/mccarthy-and-jeffries-creating-bipartisan-task-force-to-determine-process-to-boot-members-off-committees/ I was excited to see a headline of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries deciding to team up by creating a bipartisan task force.    Even the thought of Congressional teamwork feels like a breath of fresh air after so many months of disrespect and antagonism and fighting between the the two parties.    This task force is supposed to ensure there would be due process going forward on House committee removal –– which has been done recently in what I felt were pretty shoddy ways.   The Washington Post wrote: “The task force represents a step toward a truce between the two parties, which have spent a significant amount of time over the past two years punishing lawmakers by depriving them of their committee assignments.”   To me, it sometimes felt like abruptly pulling the chair away just as someone is about to sit down.   Wouldn’t it be refreshing to negotiate  a way to steer away from retaliations and dissing in the future and to stay cooperative and respectful!   Seeing this plan for Congressional teamwork reminds me of how teamwork seems to have become a popular theme of many of my sessions with couples, families and workplace clients. Actually for decades I have described my work as teamwork - rolling up our sleeves and working together.   Interestingly there seems to be a more than usual recent desire for teamwork. More then I usually see in my 40 years of private practice.   Hmmmm. So maybe it is time to blog again about respect and clear communication and teamwork in relationships. Respect of course is a frequent focus of my blogs because it is the opposite of feeling dissed and rejected.    So let’s re-visit some teamwork highlights:   Fifteen years ago I wrote Relationship Lessons from Yosemite – how sights and experiences in Yosemite can be a metaphor about relationships. - giving and accepting respect - the ability to trust - allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability - the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together. All of this woven together by open and direct communication.   Sixteen years ago I wrote  Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples:   "Providing support and satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . . This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."   In the Spirit of Teamwork In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative ideas for getting things done.    We look at it in the spirit of teamwork and cooperation.  Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:   - What does teamwork mean to each one?  - What does it mean to be 'a good team player'?  - What are their goals? Individual and together? - What are their expected outcomes?  - What are their challenges?  - How can they work together effectively? - What situations work best?  - What might get in their way? - Are they communicating clearly?    We explore the ways teamwork already exists in their relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already there.   We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share parenting decisions or functions.   - Can they identify the areas in which they are already a good team? - Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned in professional areas of their lives? - Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ?    Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships   Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships:   - recognizing each other's strong points  - valuing and respecting each other  - agreeing to fully participate - working together cooperatively - identifying how each person is part of something larger than him or herself - understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture   RESPECT is a Key Ingredient Here By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person. By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the chances for successful teamwork.    Sometimes it is difficult to  respect and accept someone's  style of doing things when it's different from your own.   You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally.    APPRECIATION is Important Too Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection. However, first you have to observe their words or actions.   EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:   - Listening to each other's ideas and concerns - Respectful Questioning - Respectful Persuading when appropriate - Clear, unambiguous communication   Oh there’s that ‘communication’ word! On my intake forms I ask: ‘Why did you decide to come into therapy now?’ The most common answer  is “communication problem.”  Same is true regarding workplace clients.   We all want to be listened to and heard and understood and connected.   Unfortunately many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.   Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.   And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words so we played guessing games about meaning.   We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to check out intent and meaning.  And too often we take it personally!   I teach a simple 3-step way  to initiate clarification: “This is what I heard you say ———————————. Is it what you said? Is it what you meant?”   This gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear. I see respectfully clarifying meaning as about the best relationship tool available. Miscommunication leads to misunderstands and hurt feelings and taking something personally –– and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection. PERSUASION and NEGOTIATING SKILLS   And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements, here are some tips: - Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true:   If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.' - Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it. - Be direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!     Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot of practice.   I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork. And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships.    Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able  to contribute some of my ideas.   And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can suggest calling  a “time out.” Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).   But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.   Even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving. And it can feel like disrespect.   Would love to hear from you if you have some good teamwork tips or stories.   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month, Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com elayne@QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Managing Misunderstandings – Honing Conflict Resolution Skills

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

 

               

                      © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

I am excited to be featured again in an interview with Prevention Magazine – this time on conflict resolution.

 

Here’s the Prevention piece and  the link:

 

Prevention Magazine

9 Conflict Resolution Skills for Strong, Healthy Relationships

These skills and strategies can help keep all your relationships going and growing.

 

By Shannen Zitz Published: Sep 28, 2022

 

Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship. They’re stressful, sure, but unfortunately, they can’t always be avoided—which is why it’s key to learn conflict resolution skills to navigate and overcome these high-stress situations.

 

“Conflict in interpersonal relationships can be broadly defined as any sort of disagreement between two people who are connected in some way—whether friends, colleagues, partners, or relatives,” explains Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Behavioral Health and Wellness Centerin Newton, MA. “The disagreement can be in regards to opinions on something or in values, or related to behaviors.”

 

While conflict and disagreements are common, it’s also important to know that they’re normal—especially with the people who you interact with regularly. “The benefits we bring to any relationship are in part that we have different opinions, different personalities, different values, and different lived experiences,” Chait says. “As such, it is normal to encounter some conflict. Encountering conflict by itself is rarely the primary issue; the issues arise in how we address the conflict.”

 

It’s not always easy to address disagreements, but ahead you’ll learn conflict resolution skills to help you on your way to better communication.

 

Conflict resolution skills and strategies 
 

1. Plan ahead

Sometimes you might want to address conflict right away, but it can be helpful to avoid these types of interactions in the heat of the moment. If one or more parties are upset, be sure to take some distance so that everyone can collect their thoughts and emotions. “It can be very helpful to then both agree on a time and place when you’ll discuss the conflict, that way both parties come into the discussion aware of what will be discussed with time to prepare,” Chait says.

 

2. Stay respectful

The goal for conflict resolution in both personal and workplace relationships is “keeping space available for respectful and clear communication,” explains Elayne Savage, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. Try to think about a few attributes in the other person that you respect or admire, and keep those things in mind when approaching the conversation. When you do this, you are likely to speak in ways that make the other person feel valued despite the conflict.

 

3. Practice active listening

“The most important thing about any of these interactions with somebody else is to feel listened to, to feel heard, and to feel understood,” Savage explains. Be sure to share your perspective and feelings clearly, but also listen with intention and understanding when the other person shares their thoughts. This type of active listening will make for better communication overall, and allow you both to come to a mutual understanding more easily.

 

4. Avoid placing blame

If a person feels they are being blamed for their role in the conflict, they are likely to feel upset and act defensively. Chait suggests using “I” statements when sharing your perspective on the situation and focusing on how you feel rather than what they may have done to decrease the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked.

 

5. Make it about “we”

In addition to using “I” statements when discussing your feelings, be sure to use “we” statements when discussing ways to move forward and resolve the conflict. Try framing the conversation in terms of “‘what is best for both of us’ or ‘what is best for the workplace,’” Savage explains.

 

6. Focus on actions

After creating space for open, clear, and respectful communication where both parties have the chance to share their own point of view, “focusing on behaviors or actions rather than personality traits that can’t be changed,” is helpful in coming to a mutual understanding for moving forward, according to Chait.

 

7. Don’t take things personally 

“Step away from whatever’s going on, especially from any part of it that you might be taking personally,” Savage suggests. “If you can separate yourself just a little bit, you’re able to ask: ‘What are my options here?’ ‘Do I have to be upset?’ ‘Do I have to be hurt?’ ‘Is there another explanation for this? Another way to think about this?’”

 

8. Avoid filling in the blanks

Making presumptions about where the other person is coming from is bound to make communication a little muddy. Savage recommends checking in with yourself while you are actively listening to the other person to make sure you are not making any assumptions—ask yourself if you are totally clear about the meaning of the other person’s words, and if you aren’t, give them an opportunity to repeat or clarify.

 

9. Schedule a check-in

Once you use effective conflict resolution skills to come to a mutual understanding, the work is not yet done. “Any conflict resolution conversation should end with plans for how to work on this going forward in order to avoid falling into a pattern of conflict,” Chait says. Try also setting up a plan to check in down the line to ensure everyone feels satisfied and is upholding their end of the agreement.

 

Why conflicts occur

 

Conflict can happen for many reasons, but it mainly comes down to disagreement and disappointment. Disagreement that leads to conflict often stems from “incompatible ideas that become antagonistic,” explains Savage. “It often then becomes a struggle about who’s right—people get invested in being right and that’s where a lot of the conflict comes from.”

 

A lack of clear communication is also a common culprit for most situations of conflict, Savage notes. When one party is not clear on what they need, the other party cannot be clear on the issue or potential ways to overcome the issue.

 

Similarly, listening is a big part of communication—and if one or more parties are not listening actively and with empathy, communication tends to become skewed.

 

Another important piece of the puzzle is feelings of disappointment and rejection. The sum of our lived experiences growing up in the world affects who we are today, and what we expect from people. “When these expectations aren’t met, that can feel disappointing and even like rejection, which is definitely something that can lead to conflict,” Savage explains.

 

So what does conflict look like? It’s helpful to think of conflicts professionally and personally, but the core of these types of conflict is usually the same feelings of disagreement and disappointment. Chait notes that common examples of conflicts that occur in the workplace are differences in opinions on how to approach a problem, different values as it pertains to work-life balance, and different personality styles that may clash in work settings. Conflicts that occur in relationships with family and partners are “similar, but the topics may be different,” Chait explains. “While at work, you may have [a] conflict with someone about whether or not you should have to work rigid hours or have a flexible schedule, and at home you may disagree with your partner about whether to have a rigid schedule with your children or be more flexible.”

 

Why you should try conflict resolution

 

“Conflict resolution is the key to overcoming conflict and is necessary in order to keep healthy relationships,” Chait says. “Having the skills necessary to address conflict in a way that works for everyone involved is critical.” Additionally, these skills will extend even further in equipping the people involved with the necessary skills and knowledge to efficiently rise above conflict moving forward.

 

Lots of people tend to ignore conflict and consider themselves people who don’t like confrontation. But avoiding conflict is rarely a solution, and usually creates unhealthy patterns and cycles that become more difficult to solve. Plus, it’s hard maintaining healthy, happy relationships with unresolved conflict looming—there’s likely to be a constant feeling of tension between those involved and they may actually behave differently, like not sharing their opinions and avoiding interactions that might start another bout of conflict, Chait explains.

 

Misunderstandings often cause conflict, but the hurt feelings that come from these instances of misunderstanding are also dangerous. “Hurt feelings can lead to taking things personally, and even anger. But the biggest problem is that they often lead to resentment,” Savage says. When conflict resolution is avoided, this resentment builds and builds to the point where “there's no space available for respectable clear, defined communication, or for teamwork.”

 

https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a41424072/conflict-resolution-skills/

 

 

But Wait, There’s More

 

One of the great things about writing a blog, is I can reprint something and add to it!

 

Here are a few ideas that didn’t make it into the Prevention piece and I’m adding or expanding on them here for you.

 

Helps to remember that most conflicts don’t just involve just the two of you. You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation.

 

So consider how during a discussion each of you might have several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers, coaches. And each is clamoring to get a word in, or an opinion or a judgment or a criticism or advice.

 

And you might find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and wondering where on earth your words are coming from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

It sure can be a struggle to respect and accept someone's 
style of doing things when it's different from your own.

 

I also have something to add about avoiding angry confrontations. If a discussion is becoming heated, consider taking a ‘time out’ to regain your composure. Excusing yourself to stand up and get a drink of water. Or excusing yourself to walk into the restroom and doing some slow counting to 10 and deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation.

 

Here are a couple of previous blogs addressing some of these challenges:

 

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html

 

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2019/01/are-generational-family-messages-contaminating-your-workplace.html

 

 

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2018/07/are-you-filling-in-the-blanks-assuming-the-worst-feeling-rejected.html

 

 

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Would love to hear your ideas for managing misunderstandings!

elayne@QueenofRejection.com OR

the Comment Box on the blog site:  www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

 

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Last month I blogged about the complexity and confusion about family ‘rules,’ using stories about the Royal Family as a segue into this often troubling topic.

 

I was pointing out how rules get passed down from generation to generation and these generational, cultural and gender differences can lead to relationship problems.

 

I described how the problem areas are usually generational, gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

 

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

Some of you were curious about how these messages might contribute to difficult situations in the workplace, especially around feeling unappreciated, misunderstood and rejected,

 

Serendipitously I received a request for an interview from Ariana Huffington’s new well-being site, Thrive Global.

 

The topic was:  

Bradley Cooper Got Snubbed for Best Director. Here’s What It Can Teach Us About Handling a Letdown at Work.
Being passed over hurts. Here are solid strategies for moving forward.  

 

And a huge influence of how we handle rejection and disappointment in the workplace is based on spoken and unspoken messages that we learned in our family.

Let’s take a look at how these generational family messages influence our interactions.

 

A Jam-Packed Room

 

Has this ever happened to you?

 

You are having a meeting with your manager or co-worker. You open your mouth to say something and someone else’s words come out.

 

The words or tone seem to take on their own powerful energy. What just happened here?

 

Well, first of all, there are not just two people in the room. Each of you has several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers. And every one of them has to have their say, each has to get a word in, or an opinion, or a judgment or advice.

And you may find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and not having a clue where on earth these words came from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

Because each participant’s family is floating around the office, the room can get crowded by all the thoughts and beliefs of each family member wanting to put in his or her two cents’ worth to liven up the discussion or negotiations. Again, all those old messages and influences need to be recognized and identified and booted out to make room for the thoughts and words of the two people involved.

 

The Power of Cultural Influences on Our Workplace Interactions

 

Our families learned their “ways” via cultural influences going back many generations, affecting beliefs and values, comfortable closeness and distance. Our frame of reference is our cultural upbringing.

 

Cultural experiences can create different styles that lead to misunderstandings and taking things personally. For example, families of various ethnic backgrounds may show caring and connection to others by raising their voices, by nagging, through food, by doing favors to curry favor.

 

Let’s look at “culture” as meaning gender attitudes, ethnicity, country, area of the country, and even our city and neighborhood. All of these factors can influence how we think about time and space, our comfort zone, and how we learn to balance closeness and distance. Let’s classify these variations as “style differences” and take a look at how they influence our work environment.

 

Privacy vs. Intrusiveness

 

A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’
I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.
 
For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors. Can you can see how there night be privacy issues her where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?

 

I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.

 

Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.

 

Communication: Definition vs. Vagueness

 

Another difference of style learned in our families has to do with whether conversations are clear and direct or general and vague. Maybe your families style was to encourage defined agreements, with a beginning and end. Or, maybe their style was to be casual, unplanned, noncommittal. Trying to discuss or negotiate with a co-worker or manager with a different communication style from yours can be maddening.

 

Asking Questions: Encouraged or Forbidden?

 

Some of us grew up in a family where curiosity and asking questions was welcomed or discouraged. I hear stories that in some families asking questions was even forbidden.

 

One man I know was afraid to ask his manager to clarify things and pretended he understood how to approach a task or project when he really didn’t. The reason? In his family if he asked a question the response was, “Are you stupid or something?” So at work he was petrified someone would think he was stupid so he avoided clarifying. Instead he was spending enormous amounts of energy trying to figure things out and worrying about how he might screw up.

 

There are lots of stories in Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection about how family messages color our workplace situations including poor communication leading to misunderstandings and taking things personally, the need to appear perfect, struggles about asking for a raise or to be assigned a certain project, or promotion, excessive worrying about an imagined negative outcome, feeling left out of  peer socializing, unrealistic expectations that lead to huge disappointments that feel like rejection.

 

So Where Do These Messages Come From?

 

When we consider the backdrop of early experiences, beliefs, and rules, the meanings and intentions of present interactions become clearer.

 

Situations at your job may replicate your very own growing up experiences. You might have to work with someone who ignores you, or insults and bullies you, or does not treat you fairly. So you may find similar issues coming up at work that you experienced growing up—things such as loyalties and betrayals, secrets, alliances and coalitions, and communication deviances. You may find yourself reacting the way your family “taught” you to react.

 

Where exactly do these generational messages come from? How can you learn to recognize them, especially the subtle ones?

 

I often do a genogram with clients to look for family patterns. In this family diagram it’s helpful to go back three generations, even if names and details aren’t known. This isn’t a diagram of history like a family tree where you look for dates and historical facts; it’s diagram of repetitive patterns and family messages that get passed down from generation to generation. I like to try to go back three generations.

 

 

 

 

Because of my interest in how fear of rejection affects personal and work relationships, I tend to look for patterns of acceptance or rejection messages that might have been passed down. This includes the unavailability of parents due to work priorities or substance use or separation/divorce. It includes family “scripts” such as good/ bad, success/failure. Other messages passed down are personal safety issues, trust issues, guilt feelings and anger. It includes the necessity of leaving their county because their life depended on it or being forced coerced to leave.  

And then we can look for various patterns of abandonment, such as chronic illness or early deaths or sudden moves by parents.  

When we did a genogram, one man discovered a pattern of disownings that took different forms throughout the generations. He’d had no idea such occurrences happened in his family. No wonder her felt so unappreciated and unsupported at work.

What Can We Do About This?

–– Work toward developing clear respectful communication, avoiding misunderstandings. Yes, even though I know it can be difficult, I encourage and coach my therapy and workplace consulting clients to practice asking questions to make sure they are clear about someone’s meaning.

These four questions help to achieve clarity if meaning is unclear to you:
 “This is what I heard you say ____________________.
 Is it what you said?
 Is it what you meant?”

(The person you are checking out meaning with gets 3 opportunities to clarify!)

–– Try to respect differences rather then feel threatened by them.

––  If a meeting or discussion starts to feel weird or overwhelming, take a “time out” to collect your thoughts.  Excuse yourself, saying, “I’ll be back in a moment.”  Go down the hall, get a drink of water, take several deep breaths, and regain your composure and balance.

Counting to ten helps a lot. And taking ten slow deep breaths along with the count helps even more.  Ten long seconds does a lot toward taking the charge off.

––  Separate the “then’ from the ‘now.” Try to remember to remind yourself that the person in the room with you is not really your Dad or Aunt Sally or Uncle Sam or your brother or sister or teacher or coach.

–– Try to keep one foot out of the quicksand. Stay in the present instead of letting the past swallow you up.

––  By “walking alongside yourself”and mindfully noticing you can be more objective about yourself and the situation.  And ‘mindful’ means without judgement.

Notice your patterns of behavior and what they lead to. Notice the response of others to you.

––  Ask yourself ”Do I want to continue down the same path or do I want to go back to the fork in the road and try out a different road to my goals.”

Changing behavior is pretty hard to do unless you can identify what the behavior is. By “walking alongside yourself” you are objectively noticing, and you can “make a choice to make a change.”
 
You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?”

Let me know if/how I can be helpful to you in this process.

 

Would love to  hear your thoughts and ideas . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / artursz

Sure I know you’re most likely completely over-saturated by all the gossipy stories on the Royals. And yet, attention to these centuries old Royal ways gives us an opportunity to recognize how family traditions and different styles of doing things can cause confusion and family tension.

And these almost daily media reports give me an a fantastic opportunity to write to write about how these kinds of misunderstandings can easily lead to hurt feelings and taking things personally.

Clients are telling me that they are experiencing some of the same experiences as the Royals. When we get right down to it, different styles of thinking, doing things and behaving seems to be the culprit in so many family misunderstandings.

The problem areas are usually generational or gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• allowing empathy and understanding of the experiences of others
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

As you can imagine, gift-giving is an especially hot topic - lots more on this below.

The Royals seem to try to avoid holiday problems by wrapping themselves in tradition and protocol, resolutely sticking to the way they’ve done things for centuries.

For example they do not invite in-laws to Christmas dinner – only the Royal family and their spouse and the children. This means the families of spouses are never invited!

This tradition and the ones that follow are described in colorful detail by the Evening Standard. The headline of course dishes on the Meghan Markle angle, yet the descriptions are wonderfully informative. (See link below.)

The Evening Standard says it so well: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever.”

Here are some highlights:

All guests spending the holiday with the Queen and Prince Philip at the Queen's Sandringham Estate are told in what order they are to arrive and exactly at what time.

Instead of opening presents on Christmas Day, the Royal Family exchanges gifts on Christmas Eve in the Red Drawing Room during tea time. The present-giving is presided over by Prince Philip. Cheap and joke gifts are encouraged.

Dinner requires a black tie dress code.

Christmas Day begins with a downstairs “fry-up breakfast” for the male members of the family (for those of us across the pond this includes bacon, fried, poached or scrambled eggs, fried or grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms, fried bread or buttered toast, and sausages.) Most of the women have something lighter brought up to their rooms. 

The family then walks to St. Mary Magdalene church on the grounds of Sandringham Estate at 11am for the Christmas morning service.

After church, the family sits down for Christmas lunch. It sounds like the menu is pretty much the same every year: salad with shrimp or lobster followed by roasted turkey, and side dishes of parsnips, carrots, Brussels sprouts. Dessert is Christmas pudding with brandy butter.

One more important tradition: Royal Family members are traditionally weighed on a pair of antique scales before and after their Christmas dinner dating back to King Edward VII. I can’t help but wonder if there is someone whose job it is to announce each person’s weight out loud!

A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever!

Respecting Style Differences and Not Feeling Threatened By Them

The Evening Standard’s observation is worth repeating: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into,”

Celebrating holidays can be stressful for most of us — we all grew up in different families with different ways of doing things. Some of us may even feel disloyal to our own families if we adopt the ‘ways’ of our partner.

Each family has been influenced by culture, gender, ethnicity, race and nationality. Even by the area of the country and the city and the neighborhood we grew up in.

Each family absorbs rules and roles and attitudes and values and beliefs and expectations and traditions passed down through the generations. Unfortunately too often each person has a “this is how we’ve always done it in my family” stance which translates to “my way is better than your way.”

I often help couples develop respectful strategies for navigating these problems. One way is by coaching young families in creating ways to create their own traditions around Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years and other holidays important to them.

They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents, whether to decorate or not, whether to open presents Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning.

I just heard this story about the first Christmas morning with in-laws. “I came downstairs in my pajamas and robe like I always did with my own family, and my mother-in-law was all dressed up in her heavy makeup, jewelry and high heels!”

The Biggest Problem of All: Gift-giving and Receiving

Holidays and birthdays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something personally. Part of the problem is expecting someone will read your mind and then getting disappointed.

It goes back to being a little kid and having your heart set on that certain doll or fire truck or game. Some of us have never forgotten that sinking feeling when you do’t get it and the sadness of these childhood disappointments.

When any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of hurt that have stockpiled over the years.

And Disappointment Feels Like Rejection

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for or when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present. You know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait, maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hoping for.

And what if you happen to be the gift-giver? Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose. Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? Is their reaction what you were hoping for? What do you tell yourself?

Looking Toward Future Generations

I love working with couples toward:

• creating their own family traditions.

• finding ways to respect family and cultural style differences.

• adopting a partner's "ways" without feeling disloyal to your own family.

• managing gift-giving without hurt feelings.

• making a real attempt to have empathy and understanding for other’s experiences.

Being clear about needs and feelings helps a lot:

• Be clear and defined about knowing your needs and putting them out to your family. No one can read your mind and unrealistic expectations are a setup for disappointment.
• And if something upsets you, be clear about what it is. Too often we act out our feelings by pouting or sulking or freezing out the other person.

I’m hoping this discussion about differences in the personal styles and traditions of families encourages respecting and embracing these differences and not feeling so threatened by them. And I hope this perspective helps to create understanding and good will.

Happy New Year everyone!

Wishing you a year filled with peace, respect — and hope.     

Link:  Evening Standard: Royal Family Christmas traditions: How the Queen, Meghan Markle and the royals will be celebrating this year 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

by Elayne Savage, PhD

It’s hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.It’s hard to escape the marketers trying to cash in on our fears.

Have you, too, noticed how fear seems to be turning into an industry these days?

Fear seems to be everywhere: Ebola quarantines, ISIS terrorism and beheadings, natural disasters, gun violence, the economy, same-sex marriages and now every week a new report on credit card hacking.

What would you add to this list?

I am especially feeling exploited these days by political campaigning for upcoming mid-term elections.

In fact, it seems to me recent behaviors of the media and politicians could be considered a kind of terrorism by dictionary definition:

“The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”

Feeling Helpless, Insecure and Frightened

Yes, fear is in the air and there seems to be something else in the air as well – helplessness and uncertainty.

In my work with therapy and workplace clients as well as from my own life circumstances, I have learned that our experience of fear in the present becomes more complicated when these powerful responses are rooted in our early experiences.

When this old feeling creeps into our present situation, a child-like fright takes over. We feel young and scared.

When we get a blast of fear from the media or political campaigning, apprehension can take over. One person catches it from another. We may find ourselves feeling helpless, insecure and frightened.

The Culture of Fear

Thirteen years ago we experienced the tragedy of 9-11. Since that time fear and fear-mongering have been galloping through this country at breakneck speed. 

A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs.

On a Personal Note — Dealing with Fear but Not Very Well

Earlier fearful experiences and traumatic events can lead to fear and anxiety in the present, throwing us off-kilter. That's exactly what's been happening for me.

Recently I had a scary experience that brought back memories from over 40 years ago. Feelings that I had buried resurfaced and totally threw me off-kilter.

A couple of months ago my car was broadsided by a driver making an illegal turn. If I hadn’t been able to slam on my brakes, her car would have been in my lap. 

One of my doctors pointed out that besides my new back injury I was most likely experiencing some PTSD. My anxiety and stress about feeling I could have died was most likely connected to the time a streetcar hit my car into the path of an oncoming streetcar, missing my car by 4 feet. This was over 40 years ago!

I had not really let myself experience the fear connected with that accident until this recent one happened. Now the fear keeps spilling into my thoughts.

Then the other day, as I was driving on a winding narrow road, I watched the car in front of me get broadsided when someone turned across her path. The front of both cars were demolished – nothing left but tangled metal.

I pulled over to give my witness contact information. When I stopped shaking I realized that two seconds later I would have been in the direct path of that oncoming car.

And had I not been quick enough to slam on my brakes when I was hit two months ago, my car would also have been nothing but tangled metal. 

It has been interesting watching myself deal with my own fears about my recent accident.

Usually I would reach out to my friends or colleagues. In fact some of the people in my world still don’t know about it. I told those who have been in contact with me, but I didn’t reach out to inform others.

I guess it has been such a physically and emotionally painful experience that really have not wanted to talk about it.

So at the risk of sounding hypocritical, I’m going to put forth some tips for handling fear. Doesn't that saying go something like this? “Healer heal thyself.”

Reaching Out

Fears are best handled by speaking them out loud, hearing yourself put words to them.

Can you talk to a partner or friend? A teacher or spiritual leader? What about a counselor, coach or psychotherapist? Social networking or on-line forums can be helpful too.

Try writing down your worries and fears. Then read them out loud – at least to yourself. Hearing the sound of the words makes a difference.

Different Ways of Coping

We each have different ways of coping in difficult times.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis,.

- Another person may mobilizes and become over-active.

- One person may cocoon, preferring alone time.

- Another may need to increase contact with others.

- One person may be less inclined to talk about feelings.

- Another may talk so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

It is important when you are talking with another person to respect each others coping styles. Especially in these stressful times, feeling connected is important.

We learn coping behaviors n our families and these styles have been passed down from generation to generation. And fears get passed down too!

Tips for Coping with Fear

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fearbait' dished out by the media and politicians.

- Give your worst fear a name. Say it out loud. Hearing yourself say what you fear most can work wonders in refocusing your perspective.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' With this mindfulness you'll gain enough distance from the situation to see things more clearly. Try separating the "now" of the present moment from the  "then" of unpleasant earlier experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

- This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. It provides structure, direction and reassurance.

Unblocking Your Energy

When you find yourself feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned, when it becomes hard to think or act, try to remember to move.

 Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing.

A great way to get energy flowing is to take a walk and breathe in the colors around you: the sky, trees, plants, flowers, structures. This keeps you present, grounded . . .

And, best of all, appreciative of your world.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

Tips for Suriving the Holidays

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month, just before Thanksgiving, I shared some tips for navigating family gatherings. Some of you asked for more tips for surviving the upcoming holidays.
So here we go . . .

Holiday Hype

It helps to separate the hype from actuality. This year those ads of 'make believe' started appearing even earlier than usual. The purpose, of course, is to build up your Great Holiday Expectations.

Weeks before Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the 'Happy Family' and 'Perfect Present' ads.

Wow. What a set-up for disappointment this is!

And I'm here to remind you that unrealistic expectations usually lead to disappointments.
All too often, disappointments feel like rejection.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Besides the tips I offered last month for 'talking to the turkeys at the table,' the best way to deal with family stress is to be creative in taking time-outs  to collect your  thoughts and regain your composure.

Excusing yourself, doing some slow breathing, and counting to ten all work wonders to help regain your balance (and your dignity, too.)

- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to get a drink of water.

- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, 
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a 
few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle 
this?"

- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car. 
This lets you be independent about your transportation and your time and space. You 
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stresses of too much family time.

When someone's behavior is too obnoxious to ignore, rather than overreacting, why not try a different tack?

- Try to find something about that person you can like, maybe even respect. For 
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes. Then while you are talking with them concentrate on that redeeming feature.

When the person sees respect in your eyes, they are more likely to respond positively to you. Are you wiling to give it a try? It sure beats time spent glaring at each other.

As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - including the workplace.

Each Family has 'Their Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about the holidays. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different traditions for celebrating and different expectations about exchanging gifts.

I often coach young families in creating ways to make their own traditions around birthdays, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, New Years and other holidays important to them.

They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents or  whether to decorate or not.

Gift-giving Dilemmas

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt ands takes something personally.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right' present?

Gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for.

Most of us have felt some disappointment on the receiving end as well. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe sometimes it doesn't. But what about the times your feelings get hurt?

And you know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait,  maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected yet. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hankering for.

Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait with baited breath to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose?

Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Again, these are situations where disappointments feel like rejection.

Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of disappointment.

Caring is Not Symmetrical

Sometimes we expect caring to be symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring is different from our own.

We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of gift-giving – in our families.  
Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments, there is really a charge to the subject of gift-giving. This generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation.

Gift-giving Tips

- Know what you want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about 
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out 
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to buy for you. It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you. They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

Look for more ideas about gift-giving in the February blog - just in time for Valentine's Day.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Happy Holidays everyone! Wishing you a healthy, adventurous and wonder-filled New Year.

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' ®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage  
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
 

Honoring Your Differences Instead of Feeling Threatened By Them

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Sometimes we make someone 'bad' or 'wrong' – just because they have a different point of view or way of doing things. We don't see eye to eye and before we know it, we're taking these differences personally.

What would it take for you to appreciate, honor and respect someone else's needs and  ideas? What would it take to welcome these differences – instead of feeling threatened by them?

Allowing the space for expression of different ideas is key to successful work and personal relationships.

Too often differences in style lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentments, bitterness, and distancing. Feelings flare up with lightning speed, damaging closeness and connection.

It helps to keep in mind that neither style is right or wrong – it just is. Because the other person is not like us, we begin to think the problem lies with them. You may find yourself thinking, "If only they would change, it would solve everything." Hmmmm. What if they think YOU should be the one to change to be more like them?

Those Pesky Trouble Spots

How many of these relationship trouble spots do you recognize?

– One person needs more privacy than the other.


– One person needs definition. The other does better being vague.


– One person wants predictability. The other is pretty unpredictable.

– One is comfortable expressing feelings. The other feels awkward and vulnerable.


– One is giving (of compliments, of time, of energy.) The other tends to withhold.


– One deals with anxiety by freezing and feeling stuck. The other deals with anxiety   by mobilizing and taking charge.


– One shows caring by doing extra favors. The other misses the intent because it is too subtle. 


– One goes to bed early most nights. The other is a night owl. 


– One can give and receive apologies. The other struggles with this.


– Even differences in giving driving directions can be a source of irritation.

– And of course the biggest taking-it-personally trouble spot for couples centers around  gift giving – and receiving. Mostly from expecting the other person to read your mind, which is a set-up for hurt feelings because of unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China

It's not surprising we have different way of doing things. After all, we grew up in different families. Ways of doing things in each of our families are reflections of the generations that came before.

Style differences are influenced by our cultural upbringing. This includes family, generational and gender attitudes of course. But it also includes ethnicity, race, and nationality. Even the area of the country, the city and the neighborhood you grew up in. 

Indeed, Grandma passes down more than just her china. She and Grandpa pass down lots of family ways of looking at life and relationships – attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, expectations, disappointments and messages of acceptance and rejection. Included here are attitudes toward secretiveness, openness, trust, and displays of affection. Maybe even giving driving directions!

How often have you heard: "This is how we've always done it in my family?" Which translates to "My way is better than your way."

Wow. So much to keep in mind when interacting in personal or workplace situations!

It's OK to Be Different!

Lucky you if you were encouraged to be our own person when you were growing up. Lucky you if your individuality was appreciated. But for some of us, family members felt uncomfortable with our nonconfomity.' They needed us to be like them – and we were criticized or even punished for attempting to be our own person.

If we didn't grow up feeling accepted, it's sometimes difficult to be accepting of others. Try to remind yourself just because someone acts, thinks or feels differently than you, it does not have to be threatening. And you don't have to take it personally.

I'd love to hear your ideas on this topic. What ideas above are familiar to you? How have you handled these situations?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

On Valentine’s Day Is the Value of Your Relationship Tied Up in a Gift?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Here are some helpful tips for navigating Valentine's Day whether you are in a relationship or unattached.

If you are currently in a relationship:

Are you crossing your fingers and hoping your honey will read your mind?

Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for?

And are you disappointed once again?

Could your disappointment even feel like a rejection?

One man I know tells this story: "I'm afraid to buy even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so anxious that I might choose the wrong one, I just don't buy anything. 

"If  I can't even buy a card so how can I  try venturing into the realm of buying a gift. I would most likely go from shop to shop to shop trying to decide on  the 'right' one. And  I'd probably just give up."

 "You'd be guessing correctly that whoever I'm dating at the time gets pretty upset with me. They get disappointed and hurt. Then they want to break up."

Set-up for Disappointment

Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations  can be set-ups for disappointment. Especially on Valentine's Day. And we know too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to resentment.

 Most of these disappointments come from unrealistic hopes and expectations.

One Valentine's Day I really wanted a certain book of poetry. I thought I had dropped some pretty good hints. The hints didn't work and I didn't get the book. I can remember being very hurt. And yes, taking it personally!

Maybe if I'd had the skills back then to ask directly and clearly for the specific gift  I wanted, I just might have received it.

 Clearly  subtle hints might not work. More obvious hints may not work either.  However, If only you can say what you really want.

 Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out to dinner with you at __________ restaurant.  And I'd like you to make the reservation."

So here comes Valentine's Day. Just around the corner. How can you can make this Valentine’s Day a success and avoid misunderstandings and disappointments?

How can you keep your expectations reasonable and be clear about what you want from the other person?

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day

Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:

If you are part of a couple:

-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able. Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of choosing the wrong card or gift ruin the day. All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for fear of making a wrong choice. So they get sort of paralyzed and don't do anything.

TIP: Would it make gift-giving easier if you ask your honey to pick out 2 or 3 possibilities at a favorite shop. Then you can go in and choose one of them as the gift. It's even a surprise which one you decide to pick.

-4 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind yourself not to feel slighted if it's "different than the way you'd do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.

-5 Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work very well if it seems like an "afterthought."

 -6 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each others 'ways.' Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.

-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too mucenergy and relationship space. Leave room for connection and intimacy.

I want to highlight the point above about honoring style differences. Especially around gift-giving and receiving. There’s so much more to say about style differences, I'll be writing a follow up blog shortly.

And Whether you are Attached or Unattached:

1. Give yourself the gift of love.

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite plant or flowers.

3. Consider buying that little gift you've been wanting.

4. Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.

5. Be grateful for the people in your world who you are lucky enough to love.

6. Appreciate the people who love and care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

And remind yourself:

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

   Happy Valentine's Day. And as my mentor Susan Jeffers always says: From my heart to yours . . .

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings
2. Each Family Has 'Their Way'
3. About Hurt Feelings – A Cautionary Tale
4. Avoiding Misunderstandings
5. Caring Is Not Symmetrical
6. Disappointments Feel Like Rejection
7. Gift-Giving Tips
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING - AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HURT FEELINGS
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who
hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right'
present.

And truth be told, most of us have felt some disappointment on the
receiving end. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just
doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe
sometimes it doesn't.  But what about when it DOES matter to you? What
about the times your feelings get hurt. Or the times you feel
slighted or offended. Or not cared about.

Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments,
the subject of gift-giving generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation. There is really a charge to the
subject of gift-giving.

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too
often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something
personally.

Are they able to talk about their differences and work it out? Or
do all the hurts and resentments from the past year erupt? Do they
carry it around for months or even years?

2. EACH FAMILY HAS 'THEIR WAY'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and
misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up
in different families with different ways of giving and receiving
presents.

Gift-giving has different protocol from family to family. For
example, in some families it may perfectly OK to give checks or
gift cards (Oh wow, I get to buy what I want!) In other families
this seems like a slight (Didn't she care enough to go shopping for
me?)

Some families feel fine about exchanging or re-gifting a present that's not quite
right. But in others, people wouldn't think of returning a gift —
they keep it even if they'll never use it, because taking it back
to the store feels disloyal or rude.

3. ABOUT HURT FEELINGS – A CAUTIONARY TALE

I write about how easy it is to get offended during the Holidays in
DON’T’ TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION.

I describe how Elizabeth the mother, nursed hurt feelings for
six months after the exchange of Kwanzaa gifts before she talked to
her adult daughter about how hurt she was.

“I was surprised and felt misunderstood by my daughter's gifts to
me,” Elizabeth said. “Tracy has a good job now and when she kept
asking what I wanted, I told her to pick out something that she
thought I'd like. I was hoping she'd choose something that
represented my tastes, something that was me.

"My son guessed exactly what I'd like and bought me a satin robe. I
guess I expected something like that from my daughter as well.

"She gave me three separate presents, and not one of them reflected
who I am. Her gifts seemed so impersonal; it felt like she doesn't
understand me at all. Personalized gifts are so important to me
that I even get disappointed if a good friend gives me a book without
inscribing it."

What were the gifts? Two wine glasses, a video by one of my
favorite entertainers, and a pair of knitting needles. It was the
needles that confused me the most. Why would she give me knitting
needles, when I haven't knitted in over twenty years?

"I was hurt because I thought she was hinting she wanted me to be
more motherly or matronly or something when she said, 'Maybe you'll
take up knitting again.' Tracy can't possibly remember back to when
I used to knit sweaters for her. She was only four years old. I
didn't know what to do with the needles so I tucked them away in a
drawer.”

I was very touched by Elizabeth's story. She took the meaning of
Tracy's gift personally, thinking her daughter wanted her to be a
different kind of mother. It seems like this prevented her from seeing how much
caring went into all three gifts.

Was it possible that Tracy purchased three presents in hopes that
one of them would please her? Elizabeth at first had difficulty
looking at it this way, but as we continued talking she said,
“Well, yes, now I can see that Tracy put some thought into buying
the gifts. Actually the glasses were handblown and quite lovely and
Tracy and I have enjoyed them when we drink wine together. And it's
true that the video is one of my favorites — Tracy's, too.”

But what about those knitting needles? “Yes, in fact, they were
very nice knitting needles, probably expensive and, yes, most
likely from a specialty knitting store.”

I wondered if those needles may have been a gift of love that
symbolized fond memories from long ago? And again Elizabeth proclaimed
that Tracy was too young to remember the days when she knitted
those little sweaters.

But when mother and daughter talked about this in a joint therapy
session, Tracy did indeed remember those days.

“There's a knitting shop I sometimes pass, and each time I walk by,
I remember how you used to knit me those soft, warm sweaters when
I was a little girl. And Mom, I also remember hearing you say over
the years how you really should take up knitting again.' So I
decided to buy you some needles.”

Tracy's choice of gifts seemed to be a metaphor for how the past,
present, and future were energetically bound together.

4. AVOIDING MISUNDERSTANDINGS

For six months Elizabeth had felt misunderstood and hurt about the
presents, but hadn't expressed her feelings or checked out her
daughter's intent. Both Elizabeth and Tracy had leftover hurt
feelings from the giving and receiving of these presents. Tracy's
good intentions somehow got lost when she didn't explain the
intended special meanings. And Elizabeth's quick jump to
conclusions led her to misunderstand the nature of the gifts.

From the beginning, Elizabeth set herself up for disappointment
when she suggested Tracy buy her a gift that would please her.
Tracy couldn't read her mind. And Tracy presumed the
significance of her choice of gifts would be crystal clear to her
mother. But Elizabeth couldn't read Tracy's mind either.'

5. CARING IS NOT SYMMETRICAL

Caring is not symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of
showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many
ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring
is different from our own.

We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of
gift-giving. In our families.

6. DISAPPOINTMENTS FEEL LIKE REJECTION

Gift-giving is a surely a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings during the holidays.
It's easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped
for.

But there’s even more rejection you can heap on if you are so
inclined.
You could tell yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough
about you. After all, if they did they'd have known what you wanted for
a present.

And if you are the gift-giver, you can find ways to get
disappointed and even take it personally. Do you shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find
yourself anxiously waiting to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction to your gift through their
expression or body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, only to open their present to you and
find a sale item from the discount store? Do your feelings get hurt?

And what about gift cards?  The media hype has been
"gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true
enough for someone who loves to shop. They appreciate gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfect gift for themselves. 

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to do the shopping.

Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like
rejection.

Some of us have never gotten over childhood
disappointments. Like the times when we thought we were promised a certain toy and 
didn't get it. When a new disappointment comes our way,and it brings up some of those
old childhood memories and feelings. We may even go into our child 'default' position.
Sometimes we over react in the present to experiences from the past.

The disappointments that too often go along with the giving and receiving of
gifts contribute to the stress of the Holidays.

What can you do to make gift-giving go more smoothly?

7. GIFT-GIVING TIPS

You've most likely developed your own useful ways of handling
gift-giving. I'd like to hear from you  what about what works in your situation.

Here are a few tips to consider:

-Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone
else to try to figure it out.

-Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site.
asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.

It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t
know which gift they'll choose for you. It’s worth having a little less
surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about
the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you
really want.

Besides gift-giving, the other big-ticket Holiday
stressor is family gets-togethers.

And if you want some suggestions for surviving that family
holiday dinner, here are the tips from last month’s TIPS FROM THE
QUEEN OF REJECTION – Giving Gratitude or ‘Attitude.’
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/11/index.html

 

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you Happy Holidays,

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.