Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

The Many Faces of Survivor Guilt

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                © Can Stock Photo / AlphaBaby

Waylon Jennings and I have shared the same haunting guilty thought for many years . . .

 

The pain of survivor guilt and recent suicides has been permeating the news – and my heart as well.

Recently two Parkland students, 19-year-old Sydney Aiello and 16-year-old sophomore Calvin Desir have died by suicide. Jeremy Richman, also died by suicide. He was the father of Avielle, a Sandy Hook first grader who was killed in Newtown Connecticut.

You may also be aware that following the Columbine massacre in 1999 two people died by suicides –the mother of a Columbine student killed and the surviving best friend of another student who died. At the time there was little counseling available to survivors of this trauma.

We mostly read about survivor guilt as it relates to those who survive a tragedy: schools, restaurants, night clubs, terrorism –– massacres of all kinds.

Survivor Guilt Is Not Just About Catastrophes

There are less obvious and dramatic kinds situations that elicit survivor guilt, yet, no matter what the cause, the enormity of it still exists. For example, it might be surviving the death of a sibling. Or being a replacement child for a sibling who had died before you were born. Or being a healthy child when a sibling has a disability of some kind. Or being your family member’s caretaker. Or being a young child and having your parent die.

Survivors are often consumed by thoughts of “could I have prevented this?"
“Could I have done more?” “Why them and not me?”

For me the recurring thought was: Did I cause the plane crash that killed my mother and grandmother?

I was 12 years old and angry at my mother for leaving me to take my grandmother to the Mayo Clinic. As they were about to drive to the airport I screamed, “I hate you. I wish you were dead!”

For years I believed I caused that plane to crash.

Decades later, with the help of a therapist, I began to understand I had really wanted to hug my mom goodbye and tell her, “Please don’t go, I need you.”

I was about 40 when I had that realization –– the same age as my mother when she died.

And about that time was when I first became aware of the idea of ‘survivor guilt’ and the power of it. I was in graduate school in the 80’s when I read The Sibling Bond by Stephen Bank and Michael Kahn.

’ll never forget that moment I recognized my own survivor experience as I was reading these pages on survivor guilt.

What Right Do I Have to Live a Relatively Normal Life When My Sibling Suffers So Much?

Bank and Kahn describe survivor guilt of one sibling when the other sibling is distressed, has a disability or has died. The disability might be mental, emotional (including substance abuse,) intellectual or physical. Another example of survivor guilt is when the ‘well one’ witnesses the other being physically or emotionally abused and they feel powerless to rescue them.

According to Bank and Kahn ‘well’ siblings may ask themselves, “By what right do I live a relatively normal life when my sibling suffers so much?”

It was in these pages that I was introduced to the amazing work of Robert J. Lifton who in the 60’s researched the ‘survivor guilt’ of survivors of the explosion of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima, breathing, loving and living while their compatriots perished.‘ Death in Life: Survivors of Hiroshima (1967) Along with Lifton’s ground-breaking work, the term ‘survivor guilt’ was used in 1960’s studies of the Holocaust.

Guilt appears to be a frequent response following traumatic events.

Dr. Kathleen Nader describes how this occurs:

“Following traumatic events, guilt may be a complicated part of traumatic response; it is among the symptoms associated with more pronounced traumatic reactions. Guilt may intensify or complicate trauma and/or grief reactions (Nader et al., 1990; Schwarz and Kowalski, 1992). It also may result in hopelessness, depression and other problems such as self-harm, suicidal feelings, and substance abuse. Resolution and acting in the best interest of both the guilt-ridden and the offended may require the help of a skilled individual (e.g., therapist, clergy or, in some cases, a wise friend).”

“Unresolved guilt, whether for actual or perceived offenses, can result in a multitude of problems including mental health difficulties, negative responses from others, and disrupted relationships. Guilt can immobilize. It can hinder or prevent well-being, trauma recovery, a normal progression through life, productive action and positive relationships. Recognized or unrecognized guilt can undermine relationships over prolonged periods or affect the kinds of relationships a person attracts to him or herself. It can keep the guilt-ridden individual "stuck" in suffering, depression, and/or self-recrimination. The attitude and demeanor of guilt may elicit reactions from others such as ire, punishment, or victimization. Guilt can punish more than the guilty. It colors interactions and the quality of life for the guilt-ridden and for those whose lives are affected by their moods and behaviors and by the level of their support, goal-setting and productivity.”

http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/Guilt-Following-Traumatic-Events.html

So indeed survivor guilt can be an aspect of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event. Professional counseling and support is an important step toward healing and may help save lives.

When I was a child no one even considered that my younger brother Lee and I might need some help processing feelings of loss and abandonment … and guilt. Back then as now, there was too often a stigma against getting professional help.

In the present we are learning from these recent survivor suicides that there has not been enough support and professional help in the communities where the tragedies took place. And survivors are reluctant to ask for help. Many tend to put on a brave face and demeanor, so no one will worry about them.

Over 35 years I have seen a lot of trauma survivors and their families in my psychotherapy practice. Over the last few decades I have been able to educate clients about the complexities of survivor guilt and various ways it may be affecting them. It’s amazing what a difference this realization has made for them!

Just as it did for me over 30 years ago when I first read about Lifton’s work and the observations of Bank and Kahn. I knew instantly that it was Survivor Guilt that had held such power over me. Understanding this allowed me to begin to reclaim my power.

One way I have dealt with my loss and the survivor guilt has been to educate about it and share my experience with book and blog readers, keynote audiences and some workplace and psychotherapy clients.

And this from Wikipedia: ‘Lifton also concluded that the sense of personal disintegration many people experienced after witnessing death and destruction on a mass scale could ultimately lead to a new emotional resilience—but that without the proper support and counseling, most survivors would remain trapped in feelings of unreality and guilt.’

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Jay_Lifton

Waylon and Me and Survivor Guilt

You may have heard this classic story about survivor guilt and “The Day the Music Died.” After performing two sold-out shows at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake Iowa on their Winter Dance Party tour, Waylon Jennings opted to take the heat-less tour bus and gave up his seat to the Big Bopper who had the flu. The chartered single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza was also carrying Buddy Holly and Richie Valens.

When Holly learned that Jennings was not going to fly with him, he joked, "Well, I hope your ol' bus freezes up." Jennings responded, "Well, I hope your ol' plane crashes." This exchange of words must have haunted Jennings for the rest of his life after the plane crashed into an Iowa cornfield during a blizzard on February 3, 1959.

Decades later Jennings said in an interview, “God almighty, for years I thought I caused it.”

Wow. Waylon Jennings and I shared the same haunting guilty thought for so many years. Wouldn't we have had a whole lot to talk about if we’d had the chance! Actually I missed my chance: I saw him perform with his band the Waylors in Tempe upstairs at JD's in the late 60's.  So there I was sitting just a few feet away from him and he was very accessible before he became famous.. -- Sure wish I had known this story back then.

By the way, my mother’s plane crashed into an Iowa cornfield on August 22 1954 during a violent storm. The crashes were 4 ½ years and 14 miles apart.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Here are some links for you:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/parkland-newtown-apparent-suicides-put-spotlight-survivor-s-guilt-n987011

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/parkland-suicides-mass-shooting-survivor-mental-health-services_n_5c9a7bcfe4b08c450ccd16d5

Mason City Globe Gazette:  'The Other 50's Place Crash'

There is to Be No Grieving

'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing' (San Francisco Examiner Op Ed)

Here are some earlier blogs on the tragedies that took place at Columbine, Sandy Hook and Marjory Stoneman Douglas Schools.

Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear – Columbine   http://bit.ly/2Wvldn6

The Heartbreak of Another Mass School Shooting http://bit.ly/2FzpRN3

Mason City Globe Gazette

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
//amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
//amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member

 by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

November 18 was the 40th anniversary of the Peoples Temple Jonestown tragedy. It brings up personal memories for me. Here's why . . .  

                                                              

© Can Stock Photo / RuslanGaliullin

 

"Help me, please help me. I’m on a pay phone.”

 

I’ll never forget the desperate phone call I received at my desk. Her voice was begging, saying only that her group would be leaving San Francisco immediately.

 

And then the call disconnected.

 

I felt so helpless. What ended the call? Did she have a change of heart about reaching out? Did someone grab the phone or force her to hang up? “Leaving immediately?” I had no idea what she was talking about.

 

I knew she was a member of Peoples Temple. As a San Francisco Social Worker I had met her once briefly many months before. She must have saved my contact information. When she called I almost didn’t recognize her name. Ever since that call I’ve never forgotten it. It’s been over 40 years and I can still hear the sound of the panic in her voice.

 

“Help me, please help me.”

 

And I couldn't help her. Like many social workers I grew up being the 'helper' in my family and when the phone disconnected I felt totally helpless.

 

Even though I had met her only that one time I can still picture her. The face and voice have haunted me all these years, although I have to admit as time passed I began to question whether I was actually remembering her name correctly.

 

As San Francisco social workers we had frequent contact with Peoples Temple. We respected their inclusion and diversity, how they provided health care and community services to the elderly and even established foster care to at-risk youth. They were a reliable resource for food or blankets or clothing when our clients were in need.

 

So it wasn’t long before we were hearing rumors that hundreds of devotees suddenly left San Francisco for the People's Temple Agricultural Project in the South American jungles of Guyana. That must have been her destination the day she called me in such a panic.

 

The jungle area was renamed ‘Jonestown’ and compounds were build to house the almost 1000 Temple members and their friends, families and extended families. Most likely many went excitedly and willingly with the promise of this utopian society, but clearly the woman who called me that day from a pay phone did not want to go.

 

Just over a year later more than 900 devotees living in the Jonestown compound were convinced by their leader, Reverend Jim Jones, to drink a fruit drink laced with cyanide in a mass murder/suicide. That was 40 years ago, November 18, 1978.

 

As you can probably guess, the story of Jonestown and its people has fascinated me ever since that phone call and I just learned of an online resource I hadn’t known about. Formally titled Alternative Considerations of Jonestown and Peoples Temple and known as the Jonestown Institute this site lists names, photos, personal information, journals, transcripts of recordings and testimonials and memorials for those who died there. Each person has their own page!

 

So I took a deep breath and looked up the name I think I’m remembering, half expecting to not find it in the list.

 

And there it was –– a photo of the face I’ve had etched in my mind these many years. The note on her page says she was 28 years old when she died in the mass murder on November 18. She had arrived in Guyana in early August 1977. That must have been right after the day she so desperately reached out to me.

 

Soon I’ll be driving the few miles to Oakland to visit Evergreen Cemetery where there is a mass grave for over 400 unidentified and unclaimed Jonestown dead – mostly children.

 

 

Photo: Regina Hamilton

 

Although she is most likely not buried in the mass grave, her name is among the 918 engraved on one of the four granite plaques covering the burial site.

 

It is comforting knowing there is a granite plaque with her name engraved –– and that I was remembering her name correctly all these years when I thought of her. In this sacred space maybe my feelings of helplessness will soften a bit.

 

I expect, though, the haunting sound of her voice will always be with me, “Help me, please help me.”

 

 

Alternative Considerations of Jonestown and Peoples Temple – Jonestown Institute https://jonestown.sdsu.edu/

 

More about Peoples Temple and its devotees:

https://www.chron.com/news/article/Before-the-tragedy-at-Jonestown-the-people-of-13397980.php

https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2018/11/jonestowns-victims-have-a-lesson-to-teach-us-so-i-listened-peoples-temple-anniversary-40/

‘A Temple Members Odyssey’: https://jonestown.sdsu.edu/?page_id=16984

 

The Jonestown Institute website was compiled over the last 20 years by Fielding McGehee and Rebecca Moore whose two sisters died in Jonestown. I’m grateful to them for showing how to use this amazing resource and for validating my feeling of connection to the people of Peoples Temple.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
//amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
//amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Robin Williams: Creativity and Madness-A Fine Line

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Just as I was preparing to post my August blog, I heard the news of Robin Williams’s death.

Honestly, I am still processing this – as I know many of you have been. Sitting down to write about these feelings has been a good thing.

I've been able to explore complex feelings and reactions with clients all week. Talking and listening has helped us to be able to process information about his debilitating depression, facing Parkinson's and the prospect of aging, his addiction successes and relapses and finally the suicide.

Some of my readers are asking me to publish all this, so here goes. Plus I’m including a very good article from USA Today and the NYT that have helped me put things in perspective. I hope you will find it useful as well.

And I hope, too, you'll share your thoughts, ideas and feelings.

Robin Williams has given us amazingly rich gifts of humor and wisdom. And yet, with his suicide he has contributed perhaps his most important gift: bringing depression into the light. He has bequeathed us the gift of a new awareness about the intense pain, despair and hopelessness that comes from being that dark place.

For many of us depression is difficult to acknowledge and talk about. For some of us it has been a way of life.

I was stunned to realize when I was in my 30’s and starting my psychology graduate program, I found I was unable to recognize depression in clients. Then I figured out this was because I was so used to being around depression growing up that it had become the 'way things were.' Depression became a way of life– in some ways affecting the way I saw reality.

This fine line is highlighted each year when the city of Santa Fe hosts the Creativity and Madness conference. This year's conference ended just a few days before Robin Williams took his life.

Listening to the Voices

Watching Robin Williams or his mentor/idol Jonathan Winters perform extemporaneously I would be reminded of the fine line between Creativity and Madness.

Each of them seemed to be especially sensitive to voices and messages from the universe – It often seemed to me as if the voices of the universe were talking directly to each of them. They seemed to be listening closely, free-associating and sharing this wisdom with all of us.

One of Robin Williams wonderfully visual descriptions has stayed with me for years and I relayed the quote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:

"I once heard comedian Robin Williams poignantly describe what it was like to finally get to know his father. The quote went something like this: 'It’s like in The Wizard of Oz. Don’t look behind the curtain — behind it is a terribly fragile man.'"

Are you, too, transported by this wonderfully visual description to images of that booming voice and the billowing bursts of smoke?
Yes. Indeed it was a smoke screen.

I often think about the fine line between Creativity and. Madness. This piece in USA Today addresses this so well and I'd like to share it with you:

Robin Williams: A link between genius, mental illness?

Maria Puente, USA TODAY  August 13, 2014

(Photo: Jay Paul Getty Images)

It is a conundrum that has puzzled mankind since at least Plato and Aristotle.

Why do so many creative people throughout history — so many great artists and geniuses such as Robin Williams — seem to be touched by what the ancient Greek thinkers called "divine madness"?

And which came first for those graced by this "gift from the gods" — the genius or the madness?

Twenty-four centuries later, we are still puzzling, reminded once again of the seeming link between creativity and mental illnesses by the shocking suicide of Williams this week in his California home. He was 63, had long battled substance abuse and had recently sought treatment for depression.

Instantly, we recalled other artists who followed the same tragic path, a lengthy list that includes painters, poets, writers, musicians and designers: Vincent van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Kurt Cobain, Alexander McQueen to name just a few of the famous creatives who suffered from depression and committed suicide.

But is there a proven link between creativity and mental illness (which, strictly speaking, is not the same as being mad)? This is still a matter of hot debate.

A leading researcher in this field is Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine (who herself has bipolar disorder) whose studies seem to back up the popular idea of the "tortured genius." When, for example, she examined nearly 50 writers and artists in Britain, she found that more than 38% had been treated for a mood disorder.

On the other hand, some experts find this discussion absurd, such as psychologist Judith Schlesinger, author of 2012's The Insanity Hoax: Exposing the Myth of the Mad Genius.

She blames "misinterpretation" of what Plato meant, plus the fact that no one even agrees on what constitutes creativity or madness.

"There is no evidence...that a poet or comedian is any more disturbed than the mail carrier," she says. "People (are) asserting creative people (are) more prone to mental illness without a shred of proof. But the myth is so beloved and so ancient that people figure it must be true and there must be evidence."

Still, it's hard to argue with people's instincts.

"I don't think a couple of thousand years of human observation that there's something going on, is off," says Constance Scharff, director of addiction research at Cliffside Malibu, the celebrity rehab center in California that treats patients with addiction and psychiatric issues. "It's only in the last 10 years that we've had the scientific knowledge to prove the link, through neuroscience and brain imaging, but there's no doubt there's a connection."

But its exact nature is still unclear. Science and medicine are only now beginning to study what's going on — chemical, neurological, organic — in the brain, and also deal with the old and vexing problem of a cure: How to treat creatives successfully in a way that does not rob them of their creativity?

Call it the Hemingway problem: "They think, 'If I stop drinking I won't be able to write,' " says Scharff.

Psychotherapist Deb Serani, author of Living With Depression (and who nearly killed herself while in a depressed state at age 19), says people with bipolar disorders find ways to cope when they're in a manic stage.

Actor Robin Williams, 63, was found unconscious and not breathing inside his home in Tiburon, Calif., on Monday, Aug. 11, 2014. He was pronounced dead of suspected suicide. We remember Williams as we look back at the beloved actor's illustrious career

"They turn to expressive ways in creativity, music and art and performance," she says. "Those outlets are very largely about discharging the negative emotions."

Artists sense the link between their pain and their art and quite naturally fear losing the latter, says Barry Panter, a retired psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who has written books about creativity and madnes.

He suggests at least some creatives become creative because of their disorders, even as a way to deal with them unconsciously. "When artists are dealing with unconscious emotional issues, that creates great pressure inside, and they use their art to deal with those issues," says Panter. "It's a way of externalizing their pain, hoping to gain control and even mastery over it."

Even if they desperately want to feel better, they don't want to give up what they believe is their inspiration.

"They feel that their creativity comes from their darkness, their bottle — the pain is the muse," says Scharff. "But we don't see that played out. Robert Downey Jr. is more successful in recovery than when he was still using. If you can convince them, which we couldn't with (for example) Hemingway, that there is a way out, they can do well."

History's suicide roll call is pretty daunting but it should be remembered that millions suffer from mental illness, most of them are not famous or artists, and most of them don't commit suicide, says Jeffrey Borenstein, president of the Brain and Behavior Research Foundation in New York.

"Over 100 people a day in the U.S. die by suicide," Borenstein says. "The vast majority aren't famous celebrities. Anyone can be affected by mental illness. It's not particularly prevalent in people with very high intelligence or lower."

Moreover, there are success stories in treating suicidal or depressed creative people, at least these days. J.K. Rowling struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts but, as a single mom, knew she had to get help. It worked, and the author of the Harry Potter novels is now the richest woman in Britain.

Nancy Andreasen, a psychiatrist at the University of Iowa, is halfway through her second study of examining the creative brain through neuro-imaging. She points to another success story, poet Robert Lowell, who gave credit to the drug lithium, "this simple salt," he called it, for normalizing his moods and allowing him to avoid sticking his head in an oven like fellow confessional poet Sylvia Plath.

"I've talked to enough highly creative people to know that a majority of them say treatment actually enhances their creativity," Andreasen says. "If you are absolutely manic, you're so disorganized you can't do anything. If you're depressed, you're so immobile you can't do anything. A good state to be in is a normal mood maybe with a little oscillation up and down."

Borenstein notes that rather than giving someone special insight into the soul, depression is more likely to stifle creativity and reduce a person's performance. Some profoundly depressed people can't summon the energy to get out of bed. "Depression can be extremely debilitating," Borenstein says. "It certainly affects a person's level of functioning."

But apparently not Robin Williams when he blazed across the culture. On stage, he was gleeful, rapid-fire and even joyful as a performer; off stage he was so unhappy he hanged himself with a belt in his home. Bonnie Fuller, editor of HollywoodLife.com, says celebrities and performers often differ in their public and private personas.

"Comedians are kind of known for this, for being not necessarily funny when they're off stage," she says. "A lot of them are not particularly extroverted when they're not performing."

She points to the late comic genius Jonathan Winters, who was known to be Robin Williams' hero and mentor. He also was known to be bipolar.

It may be, says Panter, that Williams and Winters were "wired" differently.

"The neuro-synaptic and neuro-chemical pathways in their brains may be different from most brains, and it maybe this contributed greatly to (their) creativity and their genius," he says.

But it's not proven, and maybe it never will.

Andreasen says she hopes the Williams case helps send a message that depression is as common as a bad cold, and most people can recover from it.

"People with mental illness enrich our lives," she says. "It's a terrible thing on the one hand, but on the other hand, Van Gogh, Winston Churchill, Lincoln… there's a long, long list (of those who) have enriched our lives and also had mental illness."

Contributing: Sharon Jayson, Korina Lopez, Andrea G. Mandell, Carly Mallenbaum and Liz Szabo

For the full article in USA Today, here is  the link:

And a helpful NYT op-ed by Johns Hopkins psychiatrist Kay Redfield Jamison on her own struggles with depression and thoughts oif suicide. http://nyti.ms/1rYTGEV

Kay Redfield Jamison's books on depression and suicide:

An Unquiet Mind   http://amzn.to/1BsWvnp

Touched by Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament  http://amzn.to/1CSUXF3

Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide  
http://amzn.to/1fPwtxj

I’m inviting you to keep this dialogue going – would love to hear your thoughts . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

 

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/PHz1HE

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/TUtpVG

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(r)as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage  
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

The Horror of It All - Suicide and Other Repercussions from Bullying

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Today I did an interview with Karen Walker-Tunoa promoting her book on resilience, 'Getting Past Go.' It got me thinking about my
fragility - the opposite of resilience.

Karen knows me from our involvement with the National Speakers Association. She says sees me as resilient and guesses I was
probably that way all my life.

Wrong. I tried to strangle myself in high school.

It took years as an adult to develop the ability to cope with disappointments, stress and adversity.

That buoyancy did not come easily.

Maybe I had the 'makings' of resilience. But in my childhood, teen or young adult years, I surely did not have the ability to bounce
back. I took just about everything personally.

The evening I tried to strangle myself, When I passed out I released my grip. I can appreciate the ridiculousness of that image now,
but it sure wasn't funny at the time.

I was targeted a lot in school and on the playground. I didn't know what to do. My mother was dead. My father traveled in his job. I was afraid to talk to our caretaker because she used to  bully me too. My brother, Lee, was too young to burden. I was
miserable.

I felt so alone.

Of course what I experienced then was nothing compared to how difficult it is for teens now. The easy availability of the web and
social media make everything much more complicated.

Back then the attacks, taunts and accusations were not broadcastor all to see.

The coloration of bullying has surely changed. Now it's more extreme, more humiliating . . . and more public.

In my teen years, there was no such thing as cyber-bullying or MySpace or Facebook or the sexting of suggestive photos. If there
had been, I don't believe I could have endured it. 

Cyber-bullying is easy and anonymous. And once the words or photos are online, it's tempting for the bullied teen to re-visit the
site, each time, becoming more shamed, mortified and depressed.

A Chilling Year of Consequences from Bullying

And what a chilling year of consequences this has been.

Some of you know that over the last four years in this e-letter/blog I've written many times on bullying: childhood
bullying workplace bullying and relationship bullying.

If you'd like to read more, here's a link to specific entries on bullying:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Since my last post on the subject over a year ago, something horrific has been happening. There have been dozens of teen and
young adult suicides resulting from mean-spirited taunts,  harassment and personal attacks. The awfulness of it takes my
breath away.

These frightening acts and needless deaths really touch me. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you.

I find myself dealing with three powerful sets of feelings: First, recognition of the torment these teens must have endured
that they choose death over living with the pain.Then there's my compassion for the suffering of the families and friends. And
finally, I'm all too aware of my own pain as memories come flooding back of the times I experienced similar rejecting behavior.

Painful Memories Come Flooding Back

Each time I hear about these bullying episodes, my own teen years reappear in living color. I hated the ridiculing, taunts and
harassment.  Yes, I took it personally. 

Try as I might, it's a struggle to be forgiving or understanding. To this day, I resent the bullies who made my life so miserable.

There were times I felt I couldn't withstand another day of it. Back then, I didn't understand that none of it was about my
behavior or my personality. Now I can see how the teasing and ridiculing was really about things out of my control: How I
happened to be built. My religion. Being shorter then everyone else.

Looking back, what then seemed like incredibly hurtful taunts seem pretty lightweight now. How on earth would I have coped back then
with the complexities of what kids now are going through.

Teen years are turbulent. Social pressures are intense. Hormones rage, Super-sensitivity abounds, Just about everything seems like a personal affront. And things can easily spiral out of control.

If only young people today understood what most of us come to know as we grow up: That things can and do get better.

My book on rejection, 'Don't Take It Personally' is in many middle and high school libraries around the country. Mostly because of the chapteron Peer Rejection and Resilience.

I write: "Occurrences like these can seem overwhelming, because
the teens haven't yet accumulated the life experience that teaches
them things do get better, that it's not the end of the world. The
best thing about adolescence is that it's time limited. How I
wish these teens could believe that." 

And how I wish they could be with us today.

Like the seven students in Minnesota's Anoka-Hennepin School
District who have killed themselves during the past year.

And
Hope Witsell, Florida, 13, in September 2009
Phoebe Prince, Massachusetts, 15, in January 2020
Jon Carmichael, Texas,. 13, March, 2010.
Seth Walsh, California, 13, September 2010
Billy Lucas, Indiana, 13 September, 2010
Asher Brown, 13, Texas,  September 2010
Tyler Clementi, 18, Rutgers student, September,2010
There are probably others, too.

These teens are dead because they were perceived as too flirty or nerdy or geeky or short or gay or different. And they were relentlessly  taunted.

It's reported that teen suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death among young adults and adolescents 15 to 24 years of age, Another unsettling report: In this country, a teen takes his or her own
life every 100 minutes,

And the Tears Come

Sometimes it surprises me when how easily tears come. It happens when I hear about yet another young person killing themselves after being subjected to ridicule and harassment. There are just too many shocking stories of needless deaths.

It isn't so easy to push the old pain back into the box these days. It swirls around me, creeping into my consciousness. There is a
young person's voice calling out to be compassionate and understanding. I recognize that young voice as mine.

On the subject of the pain and repercussions from bullying, Ft. Worth, Texas city councilman Joel Burns' "It Gets Better" says it so
poignantly. Perhaps you've already seen it. I've viewed this video  4 or 5 times now.

Joel Burns and others who are offering the "It Gets Better" message,
 surely are modeling resilience.

I hope you'll watch. I'd  love to know your thoughts. You can use 
the comment section of my blog:

http://www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

or contact me by email, elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Here's the link to Joel Burn's powerful statement:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4

And, once again the Southern Poverty Law Center is way ahead of the pack in addressing this crucial problem.  Here's the link to an excellent Teaching Tolerance film which, by the way, is FREE to schools:

http://www.tolerance.org/bullied

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ca0qC4

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3
 

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