By Elayne Savage, PhD
When the news arrived it hit me hard. I can't believe Susan Jeffers has died.
She won her battle with breast cancer years ago, and yet, on October 27th she died after being ill for three years from (CUP) cancer of unknown primary, a rare disease.
Susan was my earliest mentor when I was trying to write my first book. There probably would not have been a book if not for her support and encouragement and those wonderfully reassuring phone calls.
The Importance of Feeling Validated
To be sure, TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com is about rejection and taking things personally. AND it's also about the flip side: self-acceptance and self-respect. What could be more validating than to be encouraged by someone you have admired for years!
And I guess I identify with her because we share some personal history. Both of us returned to school when our children were young, to earn Masters and PhD degrees. I don't know how long it took Susan to complete her degrees. For me it was a total of 11 years!
And both of us had our first books rejected several times. Susan Jeffers' first book is Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I find myself rereading it whenever I'm feeling timid about a new personal or professional challenge.
The Graciousness of Susan Jeffers
Her influence on me has been profound, even though we have not had direct contact in quite a few years.
We met initially at Rancho La Puerta. That morning I had really challenged myself and climbed the mountain, but I was a 'straggler' coming down. I barely got to the dining hall in time for breakfast and my usual companions were long gone. The room was mostly empty but I noticed two people sitting at an otherwise empty big round table. I got my food and sat down next to them.
When we introduced ourselves I learned my breakfast mates were Susan Jeffers and her husband Mark Shelmerdine. During the conversation, she asked about me. I told her I was a psychotherapist and workshop presenter. Then I took a deep breath and blurted, "and I'm writing a book about rejection and taking things personally." It was the first time I'd ever admitted this to a stranger!
Susan's reply was the most gracious response I could have hoped for:
"I'd like to support you in that. Let's stay in contact." Hmmmm. It seems I had an instant mentor!
I'll never forget visiting Susan and Mark when they were living outside of Santa Fe. And our breakfast at the local eatery was the first time I realized you could actually order scrambled egg whites instead of the whole egg.
When Don't Take It Personally! was about to be published, I mustered the courage to ask Susan to write a blurb for the jacket, And she did! Yep. I'm pretty sure there would not have been a book if it had not been for Susan's cheerleading.
I remember calling her when I was agonizing over how best to collage stories in the book so clients and workshop participants would remain unrecognizable. Susan told me a story about how she, too, had agonized about that very question. Like me, she wanted to use a specific story about a previous workshop participant who she couldn't locate to get permission to use the story. She changed the details a bit but was afraid not enough. Susan was worried when the book was published, the woman would recognize herself. In fact, the woman did contact Susan to say how much she loved the book. But she added, "However, I'm really confused about the meaning of one story in the book." Turns out It was her story!
Losses and Deaths and Abandonment Fears
There have been way too many losses and deaths and near deaths in my world the last few months, and you can probably guess how much my abandonment fears are getting triggered.
Yet it surprised me how hard I've been hit with Susan's death.
I guess some people create a gigantic imprint on us – more than we are aware of. It's almost as if she has become a Susan Jeffers Archetype.
This is the season for expressing Gratitude and I just re-read a recent Susan Jeffers Blog entry: "Count the many shoulders you are standing on."
What a unique description of giving gratitude.
Maybe you, too, can ask yourself: "How many shoulders am I standing on?"
Another Gratitude practice from Susan's Blog is, "Cultivate the habit of saying 'thank you.'"
Who would YOU like to thank? And when might you like to do that?
So I want to say again, 'thank you' Susan, for all the wisdom you have given to your readers and audiences . . . and to me. I wonder if you ever really understood how important you have been in my life over the last 20 years.
And as Susan always says: "From my heart to yours . . ."
And if you are inspired to post to Susan's memory page, here is the link:
http://www.susanjeffers.com//home/post_message.cfm
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
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