Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

'Pebbling' is Small Acts of Caring – What better Way to Show Respect?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I was planning to write about respect this month because it seems to be the focus of so many clients these days regarding all kinds of relationships: friendships, romantic, and work related.   
 
But then the other day I came across a headline asking “Can Pebbling Really Help You and Your Partner Grow Closer?”

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/pebbling-really-help-partner-grow-110000532.html
 

Pebbling???

I just love this background: the term pebbling comes from the mating habits of gentoo penguins in Antarctica. When a young male penguin wants to find a mate he carefully chooses a smooth shiny stone to bring to the female he is interested in. If the female accepts, together they bring more stones to build their nest.
 
I had not heard this term before and didn’t know what ‘pebbling’ means. But I recognize the concept of “doing small, kind actions to show someone you care about them.”
 
Actually for several decades this has been one of my favorite themes in my books and my workshops and my therapy and coaching sessions. 
 
I’ve been calling it “small acts of caring.” Which is a terrific way to validate relationships.

. . . AND also a terrific way to re-balance misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking things personally.  
 
These acts are really about respecting and acknowledging and appreciating. So looks like I’m finding myself actually writing about respect.
 
Offering to help out with an errand or grocery shop or to take care of having the car serviced or to offer to drop off and/or pick up the dry cleaning or picking up a little special dessert.  Other forms of pebbling could be an online “hi” message during the day, or a text message sharing a news story about a common interest. 
 
I’m sharing from both of my books a few caveats on 'caring'... 
 
Caring is Not Symmetrical 
 
It’s helpful to remember that the style of one person may be different from the other, especially if each person grew up in a very different type of family with very different ways of showing caring.
 
Or in a family which did not know how to show caring.
 
And there are just as many ways of missing someone’s intentions because their style of caring is so different from our own.
 
A woman I know was often disappointed when her partner didn’t say or do things to show he cared. 
 
“Some of the things he does are silly — not very significant,” she would complain. 
 
“For instance, on our recent trip to France, one morning Gary stopped the car, went into a patisserie, and came out with a huge piece of cake that was mostly icing. He handed it to me, saying, ‘I thought you’d like this.’
 
“Well I ate it, even though 9 A.M. did seem a little early for all that icing.”
 
She’s very practical and generally doesn’t like surprises, it reminds her too much of growing up in her unpredictable family. 
 
He likes to plan small unexpected surprises. His dad used to do the same with his mom. 
 
Gary’s little surprises are his way of giving to her, it’s the best way he knows to show he cares, and he can’t understand why she gets upset with him. 
 
In their relationship, he provides a lot of “icing” when she has “cake” in mind. 
 
“I can’t believe I used to get so upset,” she says. “Now I realize how he does things in his little Gary ways

to make me happy, and I’ve been overlooking his intentions all this time.”
 

'Not Thinking' Does Not Mean 'Not Caring'

 

A student complains, “I always offer him rides because he doesn’t have a car on campus.”
 
When her car was in the shop for repairs for several days he actually had his father’s car.
 
“He didn’t even think to offer me a ride those two weeks to run errands.” 

It didn’t occur to her he just doesn't 'think' in the caring way she does.
 
Seems she was equating “not thinking” with “not caring.

 

Making Amends
 

This story is about two friends, Penny and Martha, who were having a hurtful misunderstanding and their previous respect for each other was rapidly turning into resentment. This was during a time when Penny was busy working on a political campaign and Martha felt ignored.
 
When they came to see me to try to work things out, I suggested creating ‘amends’ that each could do — little acts of caring.
 
Penny’s ‘amend’ was she wanted Martha to take her to lunch at a new, kind of pricey restaurant. 
 
Martha wanted Penny to call her once a week for three months, which is the amount of time she felt ignored while Penny was working so many hours on the political campaign.
 
And what did Martha want Penny to say in the phone call as an act of caring?
 “Hi, Martha, I’m thinking about you.”
 
By the way, the workplace invites lots of opportunities to do some pebbling too. Many  ways to sometimes make someone’s job a little lighter.

 

Do you have a great example of 'pebbling?'  Either about good experiences or about misunderstandings.

I'd love to hear from you: email me at [email protected] or on the comments section in the box below...
 
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are available on Kindle and

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:

amzn.to/4fudKOy

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:


amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 
 
 
 

Let's Talk About Resilience

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

In his recent State of the Union address President Biden described America as: “Turning setback into comeback.”

 

What a great way to describe our resilience as a country!

 

Have you happened to notice how the idea of resilience is getting lots of attention these days?

 

I’ve been intrigued with the concept of Resilience for decades. In fact, in the 80’s I actually wanted to focus my doctoral research on resilience, but it would have required a longitudinal study. And after a total of 11 years in in Masters and PhD programs while working full time, I was ready to be done, done, done. 



 

Turns out when I researched perceived childhood rejection and adult intimacy, I found that experiences of rejection alone did not necessarily lower a person’s capacity for intimacy.

 

The mediating factor appears to be whether negative belief systems, behaviors, or personality dispositions developed because of the individual’s experiences of rejection by parents. 

 

Why were some children able to grow into adulthood without developing these negative patterns? 

 

Most likely it’s because of their resilience.

 

By the way, both Don’t Take it Personally – the Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room grew out of my research and dissertation!

 

From Don’t Take It Personally!

“Some children learn to cope with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat . . .They are often called the “resilient ones,” the “survivors,” “the transcenders.”

 

They find strengths deep within themselves that enable them to stay intact as they move through the difficulties of life. (Many) have been able to develop small pieces of strengths here and there. 

 

The challenge has been to recognize the strengths and weave them together—reinforcing them. Yes, it’s true that sometimes it seems we don’t have much to work with, but that’s where counseling can help out—by identifying and solidifying strengths ….

 

Why do some children seem to have this buoyancy, this natural knack for coping with the trauma in their lives more successfully than other children? 

 

What makes them different than those who are more damaged by the winds of life’s experiences? Somehow they’ve learned a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows. 

 

Experts speculate that resilient children have a different view of the world than other children, and therefore, they have different responses to life situations. 

- They operate out of empowerment rather than impotence. 

- They develop self-regard rather than self-degradation. 

- Their approach to life is reflective rather than impulsive. 

- They can step back from a situation, be objective, and keep their perspective. 

 

When positive experiences are lacking inside the family, they have been able to reach outside the family for what they need. These children have most likely been inspired by at least one person in their life, such as a relative, teacher, or neighbor, who provided the modeling, nurturing.

 

Lillian Rubin, author of The Transcendent Child, refers to (these) children …. “as trusting and open enough to recognize opportunities and accept a hand when it is offered. 

 

These children found an “interest or activity —books, music, art, sports — that took them out of the family and into another world....” They had “the ability to attract others who ... become the mentors and surrogates who light the way and fill the gaps left by the past ... who can help fill the empty spaces inside. 

 

These transcendent children lived at the periphery of family life, either because they were abused or because they didn’t fit. As one person said, “I felt like a dog in a cat family.” 

 

They were able to distance themselves, disidentify, and “grasp alternatives when they came into view. 

 

They were able to stop knocking on a door that was closed to them, to recognize that members of their family were not able to give them what they needed.” 

 

And as I remind my therapy and workplace clients, their resilience helps them figure out they can walk down the hallway or down the street or across town and find another door to knock on. This could be a neighbor, another relative, a teacher, a mentor.

 

I value the in-person and phone conversations I had with Lillian Rubin as I came to understand her perspective on the ‘Transcendent Child’ and I was even able to recognize myself a little bit!

 

Psychologist/Anthropologist Ronald Rohner has studied acceptance and rejection world-wide and he was an early mentor as I struggled to navigate my dissertation. 

In Dr. Rohner’s academic book on rejection and he sees resilience as having three components:

• a sense of self

• a sense of self-determination

• the capacity to not take things personally

 

As soon as I read #3 “the capacity to not take things personally,” I was intrigued and immediately knew how, from that moment on, this is where I would be focusing my therapy, coaching, workshops and keynotes! 

 

My Experience with Harper Lee and Scout

Looking back I can see a glimmer of my early resilience a few years earlier.

 

In the early 60’s in college, I just loved reading To Kill a Mockingbird and became absolutely intrigued by Scout’s spunk. 

 

I wanted to learn to be courageous just like Scout.  

 

My senior year of college at Bama, I was Business Manager of the Mahout, the humor magazine and was in charge of planning the Board of Publications banquet. 

 

Nelle Harper Lee had been editor of the Humor Magazine many years earlier and my colleagues dared me to invite her to keynote the banquet.

 

Guess what . . .her phone number was actually listed and before I could change my mind the operator was connecting me!  

 

I can still see myself in the Mahout office, the phone in my shaking hand. My colleagues hovering over me, listening to every word.

 

Of course she respectfully and regretfully declined the invitation. I would not have wanted to drive 140 miles either.

 

Yet what a thrill it was to speak with her! And how proud I was of myself for making that call! 

This act of courage on my part opened the way to some much-needed self-acceptance. I would no longer think of myself as the timid kid, always believing “I can’t.” 

That moment was my first realization that “yes I can!” 



 

Scout’s Amazing Spunk

 


The image of that day is forever etched. And whenever I need a big dose of encouragement, I can pull it up again in my mind . . . and feel the flush of bravery I had felt that day.  

I think what actually happened is I borrowed some of Scout’s spunk.

In my most challenging moments thinking back to that phone call to Harper Lee gives me renewed courage. It helps me be ‘out there in the world.’ 

 

Here is the original Harper Lee/Scout blog:

A Life-Changing Phone Call to Harper Lee

 

Can you think of an experience in your own life that stands out as a beacon of light for approaching future courageous situations?



 

The Many Flavors of “Spunk”



So I often thing about the many flavors of “spunk.” 
Here a few of the spunk-like terms that especially resonate for me: 

perseverance 
determination
bravery
courage
fearlessness
tenacity
feistiness

Each of these has slightly different colorations, yet it seems to me that they are each aspects of resilience.

 

Can you think of some other descriptions that relate to your own experiences? Do you, too, have stories to tell? 

 

Resilience in Siblings Might Be Different Flavors

By the way, the amount and form of resilience is often different with siblings. This is especially true when there is a several year age difference. 

 

The day-to-day living situation in the family may have changed – in areas of economic or physical or emotional health or the use of alcohol or drugs. So sometimes the family the older child grew up in is not exactly the same as the family the younger child experiences.

 

I coach many adult estranged sibs toward respectfully rebuilding/repairing relationships and I see this difference in resilience often.

 

More from Don’t Take It Personally! 

Here are a few highlights on resilience from Don’t Take It Personally! describing how resilient people have the ability to stay intact as they navigate the difficulties of life:

• stepping back from a situation, being objective, and keeping perspective

• developing a buoyancy, a natural knack for coping with trauma in life

• operating out of empowerment rather than impotence
• developing self-regard rather than self-degradation 

• approaching life reflectively rather than impulsively

• coping with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat 

• learning a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows

 

I guess you could say I not only learned about spunk from Scout — I also learned how to recognize and appreciate resilience in myself! 

 

Hmmm. I wonder what more I might learn from Scout if I were to re-read her story now.

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne:
  I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

When Rejection Leads to Self-rejection and Feels Like Shame

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

Seems these days the most frequent challenge my psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients describe is “Feeling Shame.”

 

I’m hearing from colleagues, friends and clients about how recent political behaviors and attitudes are bringing up painful family and school memories of criticism, insults, accusations, taunts, lashing out, easing, blaming, baiting or manipulating.

 

“Hearing about the discord in Congress, I’m realizing how chaotic and divisive my family life was. Mother would pit my sister and me against each other — driving a wedge between us and keeping us from being a united front against her. Each of us would compete with each other, trying to win her favor.”

 

And another reaction:

“My mother would complain about one child to the other turning one against the other. I think her need was to get one of us to side with her and bolster her narcissism. She seemed to have a need to instill guilt in us. 

 

Over the years we learned to protect ourselves: One of us stopped speaking to her, and the other went to therapy to drop guilt from our repertoire.”

 

And a frequent story: “I was always sent away from the dinner table and told to go to my room. I told myself I wasn’t good enough to eat with my family.”

 

Turns out the most troubling part is how feelings of shame seem to take over from memories of perceived slights, finger-pointing, being made ‘bad’ or ‘wrong,’ criticism and blame. 

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously: 

Shaming

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Smearing

Scorning

 
You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

And the result is often self-rejection. I see experiencing self-rejection the same as feeling shame.

 

I Know All About Thin Skin

 

I’ve lived in it much of my life.

 

When I was little, if someone looked at me funny I’d cry. I took about everything personally.

 

If I thought someone was upset with me I’d replay the last few days in my head. I’d pull out my ‘checklist’ of possible “offenses” and go over them in my mind, one at a time. And then once again.

 

When we were little we were probably hurt by words, looks, or tones of voice – whether they were intended or not. And we carry these cringe-worthy sensitive feelings into our adult years.

 

I still cringe at the memory of my math teacher holding up my paper filled with red marks and saying to the whole class; "Elayne can do better than this!"

 

We each have our unique responses and long-term repercussions. We each live with whatever fearful and self-rejecting messages the traumatic experience leads us to take in about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it. 

 

This is especially true if, in our early years, there were inappropriate personal boundary crossings which affected our feelings of safety and trust. Each new situation might be somewhat different, however, our visceral response is very recognizable.

 

We can expect the original discomfort and fear to re-surface if we find ourselves in another unsafe moment and as we hear other’s stories. For some of us this can be similar to a PTSD-like experience.

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of Managing Face

 

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I first blogged about it many years ago. 

 

Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

 

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’

 

Managing Face

 

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face 

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

 

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. 

 

These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. 

The result is you leave the other person a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

So how do we leave ourselves a ‘way out?’

The opposite of self=rejection is of course self-acceptance. Sometimes a good re-framing does the trick!

 

It’s Embarrassment – Not Shame

 

It helps to remind myself that most times “It’s really embarrassment – not shame.”

 

I try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. 

 

I try repeating to myself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

 

At a point in my life I realized how much my over-sensitivity was causing problems at home and at work. I knew I needed to make some changes in how I dealt with the people in my world:

- I decided I wanted to stop these knee-jerk responses when my feelings got hurt.

- I wanted to not revert to childish behavior when I got upset.- I wanted to have my embarrassments just be embarrassments instead of turning into shame.

- I wanted to stop acting like a petulant child, lashing out when I felt unsupported or betrayed.

- I wanted to acknowledge my part in something and not be so quick to blame others.

- I wanted to stop brooding/fixating/dwelling/stewing/ruminating/agonizing about so many perceived slights. I’d be obsessing about what someone did or said –– or what they neglected to do or say. And go automatically into my painful mental checklist mode. 

This incessant dwelling and fuming sapped my energy and my productivity and left me depleted.

- I especially wanted to better understand my thin-skinned challenges and begin to choose to do things differently.

 

Recognizing and Welcoming Corrective Emotional Experiences Into Our Lives  

 

A corrective emotional experience is the opportunity to have a positive emotional experience in the present that balances out negative ones from our past.
 

I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones from our past.

 

Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.

 

What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or does something hurtful it's hard not to take it to heart. 

 

These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.

 

All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out positive and validating responses from people. 

 

We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Then, along comes a chance to have a Corrective Emotional experience –– an event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. 

 

The trick is to recognize it.

 

Something changes for us. 

In the way we see ourselves. 

In the responses we expect from people around us.

In the quality of our connection to others.

 

Yes, something changes.

 

For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. 

 

Yet, with being able to recognize the possibility that something could be different this time, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.

 

You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. 

 

You may feel heard, listened to and understood. You may feel accepted, validated, appreciated and well regarded.

 

As these positive experiences have a chance to grow, there is much less space available for feelings of self-rejection and shame.

 

©Elayne Savage, PhD

Seeking Respect in a Dissing Kind of World

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

I’m writing today about RESPECT and how important it is for our relationships to be running smoothly: Personal, Workplace and as we have been seeing lately, Political.

 

However, respectful interactions seem to be more and more infrequent. A lack of respect seems to be permeating our homes and country and our world.

 

When I’m working with clients — workplace or couples or families lately I’m noticing that respect has become frayed and tattered and torn and sometimes practically non-existent.

 

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings and anger and resentment seem to be filling the space and there is barely room for connection.

 

Isomorphism/Parallel Process

 

Like me, many of you, may have grown up in a confusing and chaotic environment of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

And all too often these many years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of the lack of respect in the world. I hate the way I seem to be absorbing it. And it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing increased contentious behaviors in your family or work? Or have you found yourself reactive and losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

 

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One context morphs into another — taking on similar properties. 

 

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by the other.

 

We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

We tend to look to our community and state and country and world leaders for direction and modeling.

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

 

When various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty, this is isomorphism.

 

When there is a culture of disrespect that affects regional or national or global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated and influenced by the negative qualities and actions of our leaders this is isomorphism. 

 

Can you see how this culture of disrespect, attitude, character and temperament can trickle down to family, business and even global interactions.

 

And there is something highly contagious about this kind of volatile, contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.

 

Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Let’s take a look at how Psychological Projection and Isomorphism/Parallel Process often accompany each other and result in boundary confusion.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

 

Psychological projection – The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

The other person may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

If our family or peers or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

 

And if they do start to pop up, they can make us really nervous.

 

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to another person or group.

 

We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

 

Have you noticed how traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself?

 

These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

 

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can often rid yourself of the anxiety that it brings up.

 

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

 

Psychological projection exists in our personal and professional relationships . . . and seemingly in the political arena as well.

 

We see it in politics all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, the economic crisis, influence peddling, secret money deals, negative ads.

 

A recent example is the accusation by Congressman James Comer, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, about a $200,000 check and a $40,000 check written to Joe Biden by his brother’s wife which are notated as a repayment of loans.

 

The committee chair is accusing that the check is a secret payment for some sort of influence peddling of the Biden name. There are copies of both checks on file stating the transaction is repayment of two loans that Joe Biden had earlier wired separately to his brother.

 

Interestingly, reporters have recently discovered there happens to also be an exchange of $200,000 between the Chairman and his own brother regarding what appears to be questionable real estate dealings.

 

I can’t help but wonder if the Chairman might be feeling guilty about his own family transactions and projecting his guilt onto the Biden family! Some reporters are talking about doing more scratching below the surface.

 

Oh my — how did our world lose its grip on acting respectfully and on the ability to be empathic?

 

How did so many of us turn into angry, volatile, resentful, disrespectful human beings?

 

It IS often a struggle not to take these words and actions personally when we feel in our gut that they are meant to be hurtful and degrading and and especially when they are retaliatory for even a small perceived slight.

 

I honestly think that it mostly has to do with the process of absorbing mean-spirited attitudes from the people around us — especially from our leaders.

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest offices in the land to act out in similar ways to what we have observed happening a few years ago in the White House and more recently in Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety and honesty.

 

It’s hard to ignore the rampant disrespect being flung about every day — taunting, smearing, mocking, insulting, attacking . . . and bullying.

 

Bullying is Incredibly Disrespectful

 

On a personal note, I find myself having a visceral response when I hear our elected officers resorting to name-calling to try to get under each others skin.

 

I was often subjected to this kind of taunting behavior in grade and high school.

 

I hated being the brunt of bullying back then — i always hoping for protection from the grownups, which didn’t happen. I didn’t feel safe in those days and a replay of that anxiety tends to creep in now.

 

Hearing all this present day political bullying makes me cringe. The taunting makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Too many hurtful childhood memories here, I guess.

 

Bullies tend to puff themselves up when they are feeling unsure, insignificant, anxious, vulnerable or fearful. Folks tend to inflate themselves in different ways – bragging or boasting, self-absorption and needing to be filled with a sense of self-importance.

 

A popular way of inflating oneself is by disrespectfully diminishing the other person through put-downs, insults and mockery.

 

Demonizing and Weaponizing

 

So many folks find themselves demonizing and weaponizing these days. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without disrespecting other points of view. It is a real challenge to try to talk issues and national and world events in an objective way.

 

But something bigger is going on.across several different contexts.

 

I’ve been a couples and family therapist for several decades. Mostly our sessions include difficult to discuss feelings and experiences. Because I teach respect, clients say being in the presence of the therapist (me) encourages their ability to express themselves on hard to talk about challenges. Even though Interactions include angry or hurtful feelings, they used to stay respectful of each other.

 

But something different has been happening the last few months! The respect that has accompanied sessions seems to be eroding. I’m hearing more hurtful, and mean-spirited and disrespectful language — yes, even vile!

 

What’s happening? My guess is that folks could be absorbing their language and lack of restraint from what they are witnessing from our political leaders.

 

I’d sure love to see more mirroring of respectful interactions.

 

I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects mostly positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives.

 

And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest offices in the land.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

[email protected]

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

When Apologies are Non-apologies

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                            © Can Stock Photo / 72soul

 

Just about as soon as I had posted my August blog on how apologies seemed to be missing in action, there now seems to be one political apology after another.

 

Have you noticed?

 

Behaviors and comments seem to become more outrageous with each day. Our political figures seem to be throwing more shade than ever, and the slurs are more derogatory and the misrepresentations and outright lying and acts of dishonesty wrapped up in entitlement are more than I ever imagine could even happen. Conduct which seems to occur repeatedly.

 

Have you noticed?

 

And when there is an apology offered, most often it is of the non-apology variety, full of justifications and rationalizations for very unclassy, hurtful, denigrating, and often intentionally mean-for-meanness-sake behavior.

 

Have you noticed?

 

I mentioned non-apologies last month: “For many of us, apologizing is really hard to do. Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: ‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.’

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

‘I’m sorry I hurt you’

or ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.’

or ‘I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.’

 

In the month that followed my earlier blog, I’m realizing that saying ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’ might sound like one of those easily misinterpreted finger-pointing ‘you get hurt so easily’ kinds of comments.

 

It can be tempting to talk about hurting the other person as if they are easily hurt.

 

I talked about fear of taking responsibility, and fear of being blamed or shamed. I discussed blind spots and psychological projection

 

Lots of times we think we are really trying to apologize but it comes off as more of a non-apology, full of rationalizations and justifications for our behavior.

In case you missed it, here's the blog:

In ‘The Case of the Missing Apology’

 

So lets talk some more about non-apologies

I like the Merriam-Webster definition of non-apology: 

“a disingenuous or insufficient apology: a statement that is offered as an apology but that fails to express true regret or to take responsibility for having done or said something wrong”

Apologies have always been hard for me yet with practice they have become doable. A recognition that helps me a lot is to not try to use words that are uncomfortable for me – I tend to sound insincere when I do.

 

So what constitutes a sincere apology?

It is generally suggested that a sincere apology contains some form of:

recognition, responsibility, remorse/regret, restitution when appropriate, and repetition prevention

 

The book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies offers six (and a half) steps to great apologies. They are:

1. Say you're sorry. Not that you "regret," not that you are "devastated." Just say you're "sorry."

2. Say what it is that you're apologizing for. Be specific.

3, Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt.

4. Don't make excuses.

5. Say why it won't happen again. What steps are you taking?

6. If it's relevant, make reparations: "I'm going to pay for the dry cleaning. Just send the bill to me. I'm going to do my best to fix what I did."
 

 

And from Harvard Health Publishing:  

The Art of a Heartfelt Apology

- Acknowledge the offense. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.

- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.

- Express remorse. If you regret the error or feel ashamed or humiliated, say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.

- Offer to make amends. For example, if you have damaged someone’s property, have it repaired or replace it. When the offense has hurt someone’s feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.

 

And it's important to acknowledge that what you said or did has hurtful behavior however we have to be wary of painting the person you are apologizing to as someone who is too sensitive and easily hurt.

I believe one reason many of us hold back from offering a sincere apology is our fear of feeling vulnerable – such a scary feeling. It helps me a lot to distinguish between feeling vulnerable and allowing vulnerability. I remind myself of this difference often – it has been a game-changer for me in making apologies.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Would love to have a dialogue with you and hear your feelings about apologies.

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Case of the Missing Apology

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                        © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

Lately there has been an amazing amount of name calling and finger-pointing and making someone ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ coming from both political and personal venues.

 

And these perceived slights co-exist with lots of taking things personally and retaliatory behaviors.

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Lashing out

 

Accusing

 

Discrediting

 

Discounting

 

Slighting

 

Criticizing

 

Dismissing

 

Diminishing

 

Faulting

 

Undermining

 

Shaming

 

Smearing

 

Scorning

 

You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

 

What I don’t hear about are apologies for these out-of-control behaviors. 

 

I don’t see folks taking responsibility for their often outrageous conduct.

For many of us apologizing is really hard to do.

Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: 

‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

“I’m sorry I hurt you,”

or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.”

or “I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.”

 

The way I see it, our ability to step up and take responsibility and offer a sincere apology too often has to do with Blind Spots we have about ourselves and our behavior.

 

 

Blind Spots Are Those Traits About Ourselves We Just Don’t See, Although Others Do

 

Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.  

This blind spot prevents us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.

 

 

Psychological Projection to the Rescue

In order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.

 

We project aspects of  our own sadness, our anger, our resentment, our badness, our tendency to be patronizing or manipulative or competitive or controlling, our fears and vulnerability and dependency and other insecurities.

Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.

 

And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

Can you see how easily Blind Spots and Projection can get in the way of sincere apology?

 

 

An Important Part of Apologizing: Acknowledging and Taking Responsibility for Behavior

 

Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed – or shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling which many of us grew up with at home or from teachers or peers.

Sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.

That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. At times our own sense of pride interferes with us noticing how hurtful our words or actions or inactions might be to the other person.

Sometimes these are generational family “this is how we have always done it in my family” kinds of messages. 

 

And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy – we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand their hurt and to share their feelings.
 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

 

 

                                                              © Can Stock Photo / artursz 

 

 

“Stages of Denial”

 

I was recently sent a note from reader Lisa Doran encapsulating her impressions of typical statements made when a sincere apology was needed.

I think Lisa really nailed it and I want to share it with all you . . .

 

“Stages of Denial” that I hear and see over and over
by Lisa Doran

 

1. I didn’t do it

2. If I did do it, I didn’t mean to do it

3. I don’t understand why this is an issue anyway. This is a “you” thing

4. If I did do it, it’s your fault I did it

5. I already said I’m sorry (note: this is said after no sorry’s have been expressed)

This sounds really familiar to me. To you too? 
And it also sounds like gaslighting to me ... what do you think?

 

 

'Make a Choice to Make a Change'^TM

 
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by walking alongside yourself and mindfully ‘noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behavior, you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. 

 

You can ‘make a choice to make a change!’

 

I’d love to  hear your ideas about apologies – you can email me at [email protected]
 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

More about Blind Spots:  

bit.ly/44zlYya

 

More about Taking Things Personally and Psychological Projection:

bit.ly/3L4bks8

 

More about taking Responsibility and Sincere Apologies:

bit.ly/2DGrci5

 

Until next month …
Elayne
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Big-time Influence of Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD   © Can Stock Photo / arloo     Lately it seems just about every coaching client and therapy client and couple and family I’ve been seeing wants to talk about challenges that seem to reflect what appears to be some form of personal boundaries.    Not exactly sure why so many of the different aspects of boundaries are front and center right now but seems to be on everyone’s mind.   So I’m thinking maybe a refresher course in boundaries would be useful here.   Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others.    Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize and respect how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others.   And having good personal boundaries means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.     Personal Boundaries are About Respect   I believe this is the most important to understand: Boundaries are about respecting your own space and the space of others.  This includes honoring each other’s differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy. We each grew up in different families with different rules, roles and ways of being, often including different cultural influences.   Psychologists John and Linda Friel offer some good descriptions of seven categories of personal boundaries. I’ve used their descriptions as a foundation and added some of my own impressions.   Physical boundaries means other people respect your physical space. These boundaries are violated when someone goes into your room, uses your stuff without asking, or reads your diary. They’re also violated when someone touches, or tickles you when you don’t want him or her to, or pushes or hits you.   Intellectual boundaries means others respect your ideas or thoughts. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”   Emotional boundaries involve respect for your feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, or psychologically abuses you by criticizing, belittling, or shaming.   Social boundaries mean a respect for your choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes where you go or who you choose to be with, for example, “Why on earth would you want to go out with her?” or “Why would you want to see that movie?”   Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy and choosing who can touch you, where, and how they can touch you. In other words, respectful boundaries means no one can touch you without your permission. Some sexual boundary transgressions such as stranger or acquaintance rape are obvious, but others, such as staring, and leering can be confusing because they are not so obvious.   Money boundaries involve how you earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. There’s no question that different attitudes about money can cause relationship problems, especially if you don’t respect the other person’s style.    I grew up in a culture where folks would often ask “How much did you pay for that?”   Ethical boundaries  And of course in today’s political climate we are very aware of how principles guiding decision-making and professional integrity seem to be getting trounced daily in politics   Time boundaries hold special interest for me because I have struggled so many years with these. This means having respect for your own and others’ ways of dealing with time frames for getting things done.    Some of us are on time or even early for meetings or getting projects done. Others of us are “under the wire” people and thrive on the excitement of deadlines.    For years my nickname is “under the wire Elayne” and my usual 5 minutes late really causes problems when I’m meeting someone who is usually 10 minutes early!   My lateness is easily mistaken for a personal affront and perceived as disrespectful. In my typical ADHD way I’d try to squeeze in too many tasks or errands before meeting someone.    And I finally figured out I was choosing to be later than the person I was supposed to meet. Why? Because waiting for someone made me anxious. I would worry that they forgot, or stood me up, or some other form of rejection. Better they should wait for me, even though it meant they might get annoyed at my lateness.     Growing Up Boundary-less   When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.   I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.   Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family.   Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning. Others expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.   For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.   Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.    Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.   In some of our families there may have been strict rules, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.     Privacy vs. Intrusiveness in the Workplace   A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’ I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.   For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors.    Can you can see how there might be privacy issues here where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?   I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.   Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.     Appropriateness in the Workplace    For over 35 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries in the workplace. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate flirting or teasing or touching can easily lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct.   Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.   And of course this disrespect too often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person experiencing boundary-less behavior.     More about boundaries in several blogs if you look up personal boundaries in the archives on my blog site: TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   © Elayne Savage, PhD     Until next month,  Elayne     Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

Wearing Victimhood As a Badge of Honor

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

 

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

 

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

 

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

 

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

 

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

 

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

 

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

 

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"


Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

 

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  


 

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  


 

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  


 

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 


These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

 

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

 

Taking  Bullying Personally

 

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

 

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

 

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

 

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

 

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

 

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

 

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

 

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

 

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

 

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

 

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

 

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

 

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

 

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

 

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

 

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

 

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

 

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

 

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

In the Spirit of Teamwork

By Elayne Savage, PhD https://abc17news.com/news/2023/02/24/mccarthy-and-jeffries-creating-bipartisan-task-force-to-determine-process-to-boot-members-off-committees/ I was excited to see a headline of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries deciding to team up by creating a bipartisan task force.    Even the thought of Congressional teamwork feels like a breath of fresh air after so many months of disrespect and antagonism and fighting between the the two parties.    This task force is supposed to ensure there would be due process going forward on House committee removal –– which has been done recently in what I felt were pretty shoddy ways.   The Washington Post wrote: “The task force represents a step toward a truce between the two parties, which have spent a significant amount of time over the past two years punishing lawmakers by depriving them of their committee assignments.”   To me, it sometimes felt like abruptly pulling the chair away just as someone is about to sit down.   Wouldn’t it be refreshing to negotiate  a way to steer away from retaliations and dissing in the future and to stay cooperative and respectful!   Seeing this plan for Congressional teamwork reminds me of how teamwork seems to have become a popular theme of many of my sessions with couples, families and workplace clients. Actually for decades I have described my work as teamwork - rolling up our sleeves and working together.   Interestingly there seems to be a more than usual recent desire for teamwork. More then I usually see in my 40 years of private practice.   Hmmmm. So maybe it is time to blog again about respect and clear communication and teamwork in relationships. Respect of course is a frequent focus of my blogs because it is the opposite of feeling dissed and rejected.    So let’s re-visit some teamwork highlights:   Fifteen years ago I wrote Relationship Lessons from Yosemite – how sights and experiences in Yosemite can be a metaphor about relationships. - giving and accepting respect - the ability to trust - allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability - the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together. All of this woven together by open and direct communication.   Sixteen years ago I wrote  Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples:   "Providing support and satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . . This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."   In the Spirit of Teamwork In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative ideas for getting things done.    We look at it in the spirit of teamwork and cooperation.  Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:   - What does teamwork mean to each one?  - What does it mean to be 'a good team player'?  - What are their goals? Individual and together? - What are their expected outcomes?  - What are their challenges?  - How can they work together effectively? - What situations work best?  - What might get in their way? - Are they communicating clearly?    We explore the ways teamwork already exists in their relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already there.   We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share parenting decisions or functions.   - Can they identify the areas in which they are already a good team? - Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned in professional areas of their lives? - Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ?    Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships   Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships:   - recognizing each other's strong points  - valuing and respecting each other  - agreeing to fully participate - working together cooperatively - identifying how each person is part of something larger than him or herself - understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture   RESPECT is a Key Ingredient Here By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person. By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the chances for successful teamwork.    Sometimes it is difficult to  respect and accept someone's  style of doing things when it's different from your own.   You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally.    APPRECIATION is Important Too Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection. However, first you have to observe their words or actions.   EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:   - Listening to each other's ideas and concerns - Respectful Questioning - Respectful Persuading when appropriate - Clear, unambiguous communication   Oh there’s that ‘communication’ word! On my intake forms I ask: ‘Why did you decide to come into therapy now?’ The most common answer  is “communication problem.”  Same is true regarding workplace clients.   We all want to be listened to and heard and understood and connected.   Unfortunately many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.   Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.   And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words so we played guessing games about meaning.   We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to check out intent and meaning.  And too often we take it personally!   I teach a simple 3-step way  to initiate clarification: “This is what I heard you say ———————————. Is it what you said? Is it what you meant?”   This gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear. I see respectfully clarifying meaning as about the best relationship tool available. Miscommunication leads to misunderstands and hurt feelings and taking something personally –– and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection. PERSUASION and NEGOTIATING SKILLS   And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements, here are some tips: - Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true:   If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.' - Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it. - Be direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!     Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot of practice.   I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork. And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships.    Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able  to contribute some of my ideas.   And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can suggest calling  a “time out.” Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).   But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.   Even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving. And it can feel like disrespect.   Would love to hear from you if you have some good teamwork tips or stories.   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month, Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

You're a Grand Old Flag – What Happened?

By Elayne Savage, PhD     While watching a documentary the other day I heard a song I grew up with that always made me so happy. Sometimes I would sing and even march along to it.     I have such fond memories of A Grand Old Flag and I just love hearing The Singing Senators rendition from 1996 on YouTube.  They were Sen.Trent Lott (R-Mississippi) – Bass, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) – Lead Vocals, Sen. John Ashcroft (R-Missouri) – Baritone,   Sen. Jim Jeffords (R-Vermont)- Tenor,   And guess what – Listening to them sing got me standing up and singing and marching along!   You can find it at 0.45 right after This is My Country. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OaS9Goj4Rzs   You're a grand old flag, You're a high flying flag And forever in peace may you wave. You're the emblem of The land I love. The home of the free and the brave. Every heart beats true 'Neath the Red, White and Blue, Where there's never a boast or brag. Should old acquaintance be forgot, Keep your eye on the grand old flag   And then I got really sad.   Sad for what seems like the demise of the country that I used to feel so proud was my country:    “The Greatest on earth.” “The emblem of the land I love.”  “The home of the free and the brave.” “Where there’s never a boast or brag.” (Imagine! Boast and Brag free!) What happened to the land I love? What happened to our grand old flag forever waving in peace? Where did the ‘forever in peace’ go?   Well, yes, I guess I am pretty patriotic.   I’m a Washingtonian. I grew up with and respected so many symbols of our government.   Watching the Capitol being abused on 1/6 was really difficult for me. It felt personal.    It sickens me to see videos of how the metal flagpoles from our Grand Old Flag became weapons of hate and destruction against those brave men/women who were trying to protect the Capitol Building and our Democracy.   And it is staggering to me that it feels everything honorable that these symbols stand for are being dishonored by so much contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming.   Honestly, what scares me the most are the attempts at voter suppression in some of the states.  Joyce Vance, previously a U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Alabama and presently a law professor at the University of Alabama decries “claims of victory via voter suppression in Georgia and Wisconsin (and) Ohio’s new law . . . one of the country’s strictest voter identification laws. Before it was passed, voters could use a wide variety of items to establish their identity at the polls, including bank statements and utility bills. Under the new measure, they have to have a driver’s license, state ID, passport, or military ID to cast a vote. Notably, college and university IDs didn’t make the cut. (And) concern that” the free veteran ID cards issued by Ohio counties would no longer count as a valid form of ID for voting.   “There are concerns the ability to vote for as many as 1 million Ohioans could be impacted by the new law because they have suspended driver’s licenses due to a lack of insurance or unpaid fines and court costs. The report concluded that suspensions disproportionately impact impoverished urban communities of color.   “The rationale for the bill was to improve public confidence in elections because of voter fraud. But even Ohio’s Republican Secretary of State, Frank LaRose, who supported the measure, has repeatedly said the state’s elections are fair and untarnished by fraud. He acknowledged that the possible fraud in the 2020 Ohio General Election was 0.0005%.   “Understanding the outrageous measures like the Ohio law that create a fundamentally unfair playing field is enough to offend the sensibilities of most Americans.”   “Voting rights lawyer Marc Elias filed a lawsuit challenging the statute."   https://open.substack.com/pub/joycevance/p/dont-look-up?r=192n8&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email   Blaming and Shaming and Taking Things Personally. Oh My.   And you are most likely pretty aware of the daily reports of contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming that I mentioned above.   I‘m hoping that somehow we can find our way back to the days of the grand old flag. At least to some modicum of integrity and respect. Please.   I would really love to hear your thoughts on all of these goings-on.   What feelings and concerns do you have?   Are you as troubled about trusting and feeling safe and secure as I am?   What can we do about this mess?   Oh, and by the way, I heard the Singing Senators YouTube video when I was watching Blake Zeff’s ‘Loan Wolves’ documentary investigating how Student Debt is prohibited from being discharged by filing for bankruptcy,     On Peacock and MSNBC YouTube Trailer:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL7SCY7gC1M   © Elayne Savage. PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Managing Misunderstandings – Honing Conflict Resolution Skills

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

 

               

                      © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

I am excited to be featured again in an interview with Prevention Magazine – this time on conflict resolution.

 

Here’s the Prevention piece and  the link:

 

Prevention Magazine

9 Conflict Resolution Skills for Strong, Healthy Relationships

These skills and strategies can help keep all your relationships going and growing.

 

By Shannen Zitz Published: Sep 28, 2022

 

Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship. They’re stressful, sure, but unfortunately, they can’t always be avoided—which is why it’s key to learn conflict resolution skills to navigate and overcome these high-stress situations.

 

“Conflict in interpersonal relationships can be broadly defined as any sort of disagreement between two people who are connected in some way—whether friends, colleagues, partners, or relatives,” explains Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Behavioral Health and Wellness Centerin Newton, MA. “The disagreement can be in regards to opinions on something or in values, or related to behaviors.”

 

While conflict and disagreements are common, it’s also important to know that they’re normal—especially with the people who you interact with regularly. “The benefits we bring to any relationship are in part that we have different opinions, different personalities, different values, and different lived experiences,” Chait says. “As such, it is normal to encounter some conflict. Encountering conflict by itself is rarely the primary issue; the issues arise in how we address the conflict.”

 

It’s not always easy to address disagreements, but ahead you’ll learn conflict resolution skills to help you on your way to better communication.

 

Conflict resolution skills and strategies 
 

1. Plan ahead

Sometimes you might want to address conflict right away, but it can be helpful to avoid these types of interactions in the heat of the moment. If one or more parties are upset, be sure to take some distance so that everyone can collect their thoughts and emotions. “It can be very helpful to then both agree on a time and place when you’ll discuss the conflict, that way both parties come into the discussion aware of what will be discussed with time to prepare,” Chait says.

 

2. Stay respectful

The goal for conflict resolution in both personal and workplace relationships is “keeping space available for respectful and clear communication,” explains Elayne Savage, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. Try to think about a few attributes in the other person that you respect or admire, and keep those things in mind when approaching the conversation. When you do this, you are likely to speak in ways that make the other person feel valued despite the conflict.

 

3. Practice active listening

“The most important thing about any of these interactions with somebody else is to feel listened to, to feel heard, and to feel understood,” Savage explains. Be sure to share your perspective and feelings clearly, but also listen with intention and understanding when the other person shares their thoughts. This type of active listening will make for better communication overall, and allow you both to come to a mutual understanding more easily.

 

4. Avoid placing blame

If a person feels they are being blamed for their role in the conflict, they are likely to feel upset and act defensively. Chait suggests using “I” statements when sharing your perspective on the situation and focusing on how you feel rather than what they may have done to decrease the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked.

 

5. Make it about “we”

In addition to using “I” statements when discussing your feelings, be sure to use “we” statements when discussing ways to move forward and resolve the conflict. Try framing the conversation in terms of “‘what is best for both of us’ or ‘what is best for the workplace,’” Savage explains.

 

6. Focus on actions

After creating space for open, clear, and respectful communication where both parties have the chance to share their own point of view, “focusing on behaviors or actions rather than personality traits that can’t be changed,” is helpful in coming to a mutual understanding for moving forward, according to Chait.

 

7. Don’t take things personally 

“Step away from whatever’s going on, especially from any part of it that you might be taking personally,” Savage suggests. “If you can separate yourself just a little bit, you’re able to ask: ‘What are my options here?’ ‘Do I have to be upset?’ ‘Do I have to be hurt?’ ‘Is there another explanation for this? Another way to think about this?’”

 

8. Avoid filling in the blanks

Making presumptions about where the other person is coming from is bound to make communication a little muddy. Savage recommends checking in with yourself while you are actively listening to the other person to make sure you are not making any assumptions—ask yourself if you are totally clear about the meaning of the other person’s words, and if you aren’t, give them an opportunity to repeat or clarify.

 

9. Schedule a check-in

Once you use effective conflict resolution skills to come to a mutual understanding, the work is not yet done. “Any conflict resolution conversation should end with plans for how to work on this going forward in order to avoid falling into a pattern of conflict,” Chait says. Try also setting up a plan to check in down the line to ensure everyone feels satisfied and is upholding their end of the agreement.

 

Why conflicts occur

 

Conflict can happen for many reasons, but it mainly comes down to disagreement and disappointment. Disagreement that leads to conflict often stems from “incompatible ideas that become antagonistic,” explains Savage. “It often then becomes a struggle about who’s right—people get invested in being right and that’s where a lot of the conflict comes from.”

 

A lack of clear communication is also a common culprit for most situations of conflict, Savage notes. When one party is not clear on what they need, the other party cannot be clear on the issue or potential ways to overcome the issue.

 

Similarly, listening is a big part of communication—and if one or more parties are not listening actively and with empathy, communication tends to become skewed.

 

Another important piece of the puzzle is feelings of disappointment and rejection. The sum of our lived experiences growing up in the world affects who we are today, and what we expect from people. “When these expectations aren’t met, that can feel disappointing and even like rejection, which is definitely something that can lead to conflict,” Savage explains.

 

So what does conflict look like? It’s helpful to think of conflicts professionally and personally, but the core of these types of conflict is usually the same feelings of disagreement and disappointment. Chait notes that common examples of conflicts that occur in the workplace are differences in opinions on how to approach a problem, different values as it pertains to work-life balance, and different personality styles that may clash in work settings. Conflicts that occur in relationships with family and partners are “similar, but the topics may be different,” Chait explains. “While at work, you may have [a] conflict with someone about whether or not you should have to work rigid hours or have a flexible schedule, and at home you may disagree with your partner about whether to have a rigid schedule with your children or be more flexible.”

 

Why you should try conflict resolution

 

“Conflict resolution is the key to overcoming conflict and is necessary in order to keep healthy relationships,” Chait says. “Having the skills necessary to address conflict in a way that works for everyone involved is critical.” Additionally, these skills will extend even further in equipping the people involved with the necessary skills and knowledge to efficiently rise above conflict moving forward.

 

Lots of people tend to ignore conflict and consider themselves people who don’t like confrontation. But avoiding conflict is rarely a solution, and usually creates unhealthy patterns and cycles that become more difficult to solve. Plus, it’s hard maintaining healthy, happy relationships with unresolved conflict looming—there’s likely to be a constant feeling of tension between those involved and they may actually behave differently, like not sharing their opinions and avoiding interactions that might start another bout of conflict, Chait explains.

 

Misunderstandings often cause conflict, but the hurt feelings that come from these instances of misunderstanding are also dangerous. “Hurt feelings can lead to taking things personally, and even anger. But the biggest problem is that they often lead to resentment,” Savage says. When conflict resolution is avoided, this resentment builds and builds to the point where “there's no space available for respectable clear, defined communication, or for teamwork.”

 

https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a41424072/conflict-resolution-skills/

 

 

But Wait, There’s More

 

One of the great things about writing a blog, is I can reprint something and add to it!

 

Here are a few ideas that didn’t make it into the Prevention piece and I’m adding or expanding on them here for you.

 

Helps to remember that most conflicts don’t just involve just the two of you. You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation.

 

So consider how during a discussion each of you might have several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers, coaches. And each is clamoring to get a word in, or an opinion or a judgment or a criticism or advice.

 

And you might find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and wondering where on earth your words are coming from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

It sure can be a struggle to respect and accept someone's 
style of doing things when it's different from your own.

 

I also have something to add about avoiding angry confrontations. If a discussion is becoming heated, consider taking a ‘time out’ to regain your composure. Excusing yourself to stand up and get a drink of water. Or excusing yourself to walk into the restroom and doing some slow counting to 10 and deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation.

 

Here are a couple of previous blogs addressing some of these challenges:

 

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html

 

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2019/01/are-generational-family-messages-contaminating-your-workplace.html

 

 

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2018/07/are-you-filling-in-the-blanks-assuming-the-worst-feeling-rejected.html

 

 

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Would love to hear your ideas for managing misunderstandings!

[email protected] OR

the Comment Box on the blog site:  www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

 

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Intention Deficit Disorder – New Kid on the Block

By Elayne Savage, PhD

©Can Stock Photo/Sangoiri

 

I’ve been fascinated by each of my new discoveries about ADHD ever since I realized several years ago that my brain seems to function a little differently and I began to understand that I have been creating ‘work-arounds for school work and projects and chores to help me get by.

 

For years I’ve been taking copious notes during a lecture or training, I make lists constantly and there’s always an array of post-its around my house!. Folks tease me about my lists.

 

Then a few years ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist for a concussion and I started joking around, “Oh that’s just my ADHD!”

She was quick to say, “You think? I can test you.”

 

And guess what, I am ADHD. Now all my work-arounds make perfect sense. I was actually taking good care of myself all those years without knowing why.

 

One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned is how ADHD is often missed in girls. With boys’ often disruptive acting out behaviors teachers spot it in the classroom. But girls get missed because it is more ‘quiet’ – presenting as moodiness/depression and anxiety.

 

I’m always so delighted to make a new ADHD discovery. Actually because I specialize in rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally I figured out decades ago that there seemed to be a connection between these challenges and ADHD. And in the last few years there have been studies linking all this up. There is even a term for it: ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ - RSD.

 

So I’m excited about my most recent ADHD discovery and wanting to share it with you.

I’m on the email list for an absolutely terrific resource, ADDitudeMag.com and spotted this article in a recent edition.

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action

 Psychologist Russell Barkley writes about Intention Deficit Disorder – an ADHD trait that gets in the way of not accomplishing goals.

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a real diagnosis but a term Russell Barkley, Ph.D. uses to describe what he believes is a central struggle of ADHD: difficulty accomplishing goals. Learn how this trait is tied to executive dysfunction, plus ways to meet your goals with action"

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a medical diagnosis but a helpful way to frame a persistent ADHD challenge: the inability to further goals with timely action. Here, learn about the executive function deficits that give rise to “intention deficits,” plus ways to bridge the gap between objectives and tactics.”

 

“Think of ADHD as a performance disorder. People with ADHD know what they need to do, but they struggle – greatly, at times – to transform intention into action, whether that’s preparing for a test or finalizing an important project at work. It’s an issue directly tied to the executive function difficulties inherent in ADHD. And yet, this very real challenge of ADHD is often mistaken for laziness and lack of motivation, which many breed low self-esteem and even depression.”

 

(And I'd like to add so many descriptions come to mind from my observations as a therapist and workplace consultant and from my experiences with my own ADHD: Procrastination, Perfectionism, Ambivalence, Avoidance, Anxiety, Fear of failure and even Fear of Success!) 

I've written lots of blogs on these topics - see the categories archive list on the right side of this page.)

 

On a personal note, it helps me to think of ADHD as related to Intention – and keeps me from getting caught up in the cycle of disappointment that too often feels like rejection.

 

Here are some highlights and tips from Russell Blakely:

 

Unpacking Intention Deficit Disorder: The ADHD Struggle to Perform

Executive Dysfunction Affects Behavior and Performance Executive

1.   Dysfunction Muddles Time

2.   Intention Deficit Turns Everything Into a Crisis

3.   Intention Deficit Looks Like Laziness

 

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Turning Intention Into Action

1. Externalize time by using external representations of time — like calendars, white boards, visual timers

2. Bring the future to the present –– Dividing long-term goals into smaller, contiguous steps is one way

3. Ensure motivation along the way –– some ideas:

• short breaks in between longer bursts of work
• body doubles, or accountability partners
• visualizing rewards and positive outcomes

 

Here is the link for the complete ATTitudeMag.com piece:

bit.ly/3e7K5PY

(By the way, on a personal note: one of my favorite paths to success is working with the company of another person!)

 

And some links to a whole bunch of articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

bit.ly/3KBTETB

 

Would love to hear your responses to all this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

             ©Can Stock Photo-LumaxArt2D

 

Have you noticed how over the last few months there have been lots of media references to Trumpism and Cult-like behavior?

I just did a Google search and found dozens, maybe even hundreds of recent links! Actually the number surprised me because the last time I searched, 5 years ago, I found only one link besides my blog from 2016. (See below for the 2017 op-ed piece by Reza Aslan.)

This week marks the 6^th anniversary of putting my fears about the influence of cultism into writing when, on July 27 2016, I blogged about my anxiety.

Below are some of my observations from Does the Art of the Deal Mean Selling your Soul? all those years ago:

 

From Bill Moyers

Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning:

“Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”

And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"

Moyers continues:  This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.”

Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.

"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )

 

Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons

Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.

 ‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. 

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Fear is in the Air and It’s Contagious


Cult Culture

To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s. 

As a Child Protective Services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced to take part in a mass murder/suicide.

I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. The call ended abruptly. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment.

Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member

 

Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.

As he says in the book’s preface “The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”

http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture

 

50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders ––Who Do You Recognize Here?

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.

Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:


– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.

– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.

– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.


– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”


– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior. 


– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    


– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.

– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.

–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.

– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.

– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

 

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

It's quite amazing to me how many of these have to do with reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.

Joe Navarro writes: “When the question is asked, “When do we know when a cult leader is bad, or evil, or toxic?” this is the list that I use to survey the cult leader for dangerous traits. Of course the only way to know anything for sure is to observe and validate, but these characteristics can go a long way to help with that. And as I have said, there are other things to look for and there may be other lists, but this is the one that I found most useful from studying these groups and talking to former members of cults”.

The above observations are from my blog from 2016.

 

My Original 6 Year-old List Seems So Naïve!

As I re-read my list from 6 years ago that I felt were the most obvious characteristics of Donald J. Trump, it seems so naïve now!

I’m amazed I missed so many Trump traits back then. Now that I that I better ‘know’ Donald J. Trump there are many that I would have to include today. Now they seem so hard to miss!

Here are more of Joe Navarro’s characteristics that I would add now:

– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.

– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.

– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.

– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.

– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.

Believes himself to be omnipotent.

– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.

– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.

– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

Actually there are yet another 25 or so characteristics that Joe Navarro lists – what did I miss?

How many of Donald Trumps words or behaviors in the complete list of 50 characteristics do you recognize? Do you see them in other folks as well?

You can imagine how back then lots of folks disagreed with my audacity writing this blog in equating Donald J. Trump with Cult-like behavior.

And yet times have changed some.

I did find an LA Times opinion piece by Reza Aslan from back then when I just did a Google search. It was a lonely article. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, there are many such pieces the last couple of years.

From the LA Times in November 6, 2017

“I am not the first person to point this out: There’s been a cultish quality to President Trump’s most ardent supporters. He seemed to acknowledge the phenomenon when he boasted that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” and not lose voters.

Throughout the campaign, and in personal appearances since then, Trump has harnessed the kind of emotional intensity from his base that is more typical of a religious revival meeting than a political rally, complete with ritualized communal chants (“Lock her up!”).

“, , , , If Trump’s presidency deteriorates further, expect the religious fervor of many of his followers to reach a fever pitch. That poses a risk for the country. Because the only thing more dangerous than a cult leader is a cult leader facing martyrdom.”

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-aslan-trump-cultists-20171106-story.html

 

In 2020 a book appeared by cult expert Steven Hassan who was once a ‘Moonie’ in the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, The Cult of Trump: A Leading Cult Expert Explains How the President Uses Mind Control.

From publisher Simon & Schuster:

Since the 2016 election, Donald Trump’s behavior has become both more disturbing and yet increasingly familiar. He relies on phrases like, “fake news,” “build the wall,” and continues to spread the divisive mentality of us-vs.-them. He lies constantly, has no conscience, never admits when he is wrong, and projects all of his shortcomings on to others. He has become more authoritarian, more outrageous, and yet many of his followers remain blindly devoted. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and a major Trump supporter, calls him one of the most persuasive people living. His need to squash alternate information and his insistence of constant ego stroking are all characteristics of other famous leaders—cult leaders.

In The Cult of Trump, mind control and licensed mental health expert Steven Hassan draws parallels between our current president and people like Jim Jones, David Koresh, Ron Hubbard, and Sun Myung Moon, arguing that this presidency is in many ways like a destructive cult. He specifically details the ways in which people are influenced through an array of social psychology methods and how they become fiercely loyal and obedient. Hassan was a former “Moonie” himself, and he presents a “thoughtful and well-researched analysis of some of the most puzzling aspects of the current presidency, including the remarkable passivity of fellow Republicans [and] the gross pandering of many members of the press” (Thomas G. Gutheil, MD and professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School).

The Cult of Trump is an accessible and in-depth analysis of the president, showing that under the right circumstances, even sane, rational, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to believe the most outrageous ideas. “This book is a must for anyone who wants to understand the current political climate” (Judith Stevens-Long, PhD and author of Living Well, Dying Well).

 

Quotes From The Cult of Trump:

“Another way to control thoughts is through the use of loaded language, which, as Lifton pointed out, is purposely designed to invoke an emotional response. When I look at the list of thought-controlling techniques—reducing complex thoughts into clichés and platitudinous buzz words; forbidding critical questions about the leader, doctrine, or policy; labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate or evil—it is astounding how many Trump exploits.

[Cult] members learn a new vocabulary that is designed to constrict their thinking into absolute, black-and-white, thought-stopping clichés that conform to group ideology. (“Lock her up” and “Build the Wall” are Trumpian examples. Even his put-downs and nicknames—Crooked Hillary, Pocahontas for Elizabeth Warren—function to block other thoughts. Terms like “deep state” and “globalist” also act as triggers. They rouse emotion and direct attention.)”

“As New York Times columnist Charles Blow observed, “Trump tells his followers about all the things of which they should be afraid, or shouldn’t trust or should hate, and then positions himself as the greatest defense against those things

“. . . . This brings me to an important point and a key aspect of my approach. By attacking or belittling Trump’s followers, political opponents and traditional media may be helping Trump to maintain his influence over his base. In my experience, telling a person that they are brainwashed, that they are in a cult, or that they are following a false god, is doomed to fail. It puts them immediately on the defensive, confirms you are a threat, possibly an enemy, and reinforces their indoctrination. It closes their mind to other perspectives. I’ve seen this happen over and over again. It happened to me when I was in the Moon group. It immediately triggers a person’s mind control programming—including thought stopping and us-versus-them thinking, with you being the ‘them.’”

 

There are lots of articles exploring the popularity of Trump. A bottom line of course being his Populist appeal to folks who feel that their concerns are disregarded by others, especially established elite groups.

I guess you can tell I’m even more fearful these days than I was back in 2016!

Just needed to put my anxiety into words. Thanks for reading . . . and would love to hear your thoughts.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Bullying and Disrespect: the Supreme Court Hearings and on the Oscars Stage

by Elayne Savage, PhD

         ©Can Stock Photo / gina_sanders

 

When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

And that feeling sure took over during the last few days watching the confirmation hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson and watching Chris Rock tease and make a joke at Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense with husband Will Smith defending her honor and feelings and bullying back by slapping him across the face!  

Bullying is the intentional use of power over
another person to humiliate that person or make
them feel rejected and ‘less than.’

These are some common bully behaviors:

Accusing

Arrogant

Insulting

Coercive

Discrediting

Discounting

Demeaning

Slighting

Belittling

Mocking

Criticizing

Baiting

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Condescending

Interrupting

Shaming

Smearing

Spreading rumors

‪Excluding

Offending

Scorning

Contemptuous

Name-calling

Teasing

Sarcasm

Taunting

Verbal battering

Picking fights

Assaulting, ‪shoving

Taking cheap shots

The “can’t you take a joke” variety – at someone’s expense.

 

These kinds of behaviors can feel hurtful and rejecting even when they are not malicious.

 

Can you add to the list through your observations or personal experiences?

There were a wide variety of these bullying behaviors at the Judge Jackson's Senate Judiciary hearings. I was stunned at the barrage of disrespect, bigotry and hostility directed at Judge Jackson. It actually seemed to me as if some of the Senators might be feeling threatened by the fact that she is a brilliant, educated, accomplished Black woman.

Then just a few days later we saw the teasing ‘can’t you take a joke’ variety of bullying by Chris Rock and the boundary-less defensive reaction by Will Smith that it caused at the Oscars ceremony.

With the onslaught of all these bullying happenings, no wonder I was having a PTSD-like experience.

 

A Major Truth About Bullies

The Judicial Committee Senators behavior illustrates a major truth about most bullies:

The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him or herself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable.

So to feel better about themselves they take a 'tough' stance and puff themselves up by trying to diminish the other person.

Another thing: bullies need an audience.

And some bullies lack empathy. Because they seem not to have a conscience they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.

The discomfort I was feeling about the Judge Jackson confirmation hearing was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, and the constant rude interrupting of the candidate’s answers. 

However I think for me the most unsettling aspects of the questioning was the undercurrent of hateful anger and the obvious grandstanding at the expense of Judge Jackson in order to enhance the Senators visibility and to positively influence future office-seeking. 

 

It Starts in the Sandbox



I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:  

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it 
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another.

The 
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do?  
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend 
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”



Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, 
belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

But rejection 
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in 
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect 
which we perceive as rejection.


 

Bullied Much of My Life

 You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces  — and I was an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.

One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to these recent bullying instances was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears associated with them. Memories of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me, or spit at me.

Yes, spit. That's what my next door neighbors did –

They spit across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. as they called us ‘Dirty Jews.” And their teenage son Johnny used to block me with his bike in the alley and threaten to beat me up.

How sad and confusing for me at 7 years old – I really liked Marian, the little girl who lived in that house next door. We would spend hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to popular songs.

And Marian taught me the words to

"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 My bambino kook-a la goombah 
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 my bambino go to sleep!" 

This lullaby still lives in my head.

And I’ll always remember the day Marian and I took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.

Sadly these pleasant experiences became a little more tarnished each time her parents spit at me or my family, acting like they hated us.

Even in college I was bullied when a sorority sister repeatedly ‘cobwebbed’ my lower bunk bed by tightly stretching thread from post to post so on the dark sleeping porch when I climbed into bed, the thread would cut my skin.

I’ve done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.

After the show the cameraman came up to me and asked if I was OK and tried to reassure me I did fine in spite of the bullying.

 I don’t get bullied so much any more or at least the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful even when unintentional.

 

Different Degrees of Resilience

Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves:

- Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice

- Misunderstanding what someone says or means

- Getting on each others nerves

- Overreacting to perceived slights

- Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally

 

Let’s face it; some of us are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.

The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.

It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed and this could have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about the safety of our world and our ability to trust the people in it.

 

Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries

Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have a much of a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like.

If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?

If you are unable to notice and recognize your own inappropriate behavior, how can you choose to change it?

For most of us on the receiving end, bullying is disrespectful and rejecting behavior.

 

Here’s a reprint of my Diss List

 

I would love to have a dialogue with you about all of this . . .

Regarding the Chris Rock/Will Smith debacle: there have been several angles for reflection on the backstories. I know from my work as a social worker and psychotherapist there are some points worth considering in this piece from the Harvard Gazette: Wait — what if Will Smith was just being a man?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Taking Laughter Personally!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                                    

                                        ©Kakigori - Can Stock Photo Inc.

 

Over the years I’ve heard many stories from both workplace consultation and therapy clients about being on the receiving end of laughter and taking something personally.

 

Sometimes, though, it’s not about being on the receiving end. It’s about being unaware of their own laughter and then wondering why the other person is unsure about how to interpret the laughter.

 

I’ve been noticing how a new consultation client has been ending each of our Zoom sessions by signing off with nervous laughter.

 

I’m sure she is unaware she is doing it and unaware of how much this laughter detracts from the professional message she’s wanting to present

 

I’m planning to approach this by commenting on the gains she is making toward her goal of making a positive professional impression and ask if it’s OK if I offer a personal observation.  Would she like to work on becoming aware when she laughs and how it may negate the professional impression she wants to give in her business transactions.

 

Many of us know from our childhood experiences of being on the receiving end of laughter, how confusing it can be, how we don’t quite know how to respond to it.

 

Too often we had miserable experiences growing up thinking someone was derisively laughing at us.  Middle School is famous for fostering these insecurities!

 

Many of us used to ‘fill in the blanks’ with our own interpretation – and we still do!

 

I was one of those folks.

 

I wrote in Don’t Take It Personally! –– “It seems I was getting my feelings hurt all the time. I often thought people were laughing at me. I remember my first day at dancing class when I was about five years old. While all the parents watched, the teacher told us to follow her as best we could and she began to shuffle and stomp and kick. Then she began to shimmy, which we just couldn’t figure out. Can you just picture all of these little five-year-olds shaking their butts instead of their shoulders? The parents roared, and I, of course, thought they were laughing at me. For many years after that, I would make sure I was in the back row of any dance or movement class ….” 

“Another child might not have been so reactive. Another child might have been more resilient and not so quick to perceive rejection. Another child might have gone about his or her business without wasting time and energy on deciphering the meanings of looks, tones of voice, or laughs.”

 

Highly Sensitive to Laughter

There are a lot of us out there who had these disheartening early experiences and still find ourselves having strong reactions to someone’s laughter, interpreting it as someone laughing at us.

 

One woman remembers feeling the butt of everyone’s jokes — especially her older sister’s friends. Their teasing made her feel vulnerable and self-conscious all the time.

 

“It took a while, but I taught myself to use self-deprecating humor, trying to make sure everyone would be laughing with me and not at me. I could be a great stand-up comic!”

 

And speaking of humor and comedy, another woman recently hung up the phone when her mother started laughing during their conversation. After this hang up they didn’t talk for weeks.

 

When the daughter was able to talk about how hurt she was when her mother laughed at her, Mom looked genuinely surprised that her laughter was so hurtful – especially that her daughter felt Mom was directing it at her.

 

Then Mom tells a story her daughter has never heard before: “All my life my dream has been to be to be a comedian – to stand on the stage and bring joy by making people laugh!”

 

This story is  a good illustration of how laughter might be a double-edged sword: Wanting to bring joy through laughter to people could also cause someone to misunderstand and feel hurt.

 

From Self-reject to Self-respect ^TM

I, too, felt so much hurt from misunderstanding laughter. When I realized how this was influencing my adult interactions, I knew I had to do something to re-balance.

 

So I taught myself how to use laughter to overcome my moments of self-consciousness. As soon as I feel an insecurity coming on, I laugh at myself before anyone else can.

 

Actually I’ve developed a kind of silent giggle that instantly becomes available when I start to feel self-conscious. It helps me feel back in control of the situation and to sidestep potentially embarrassing moments.

 

Before I developed ‘the giggle’ I used to take myself so seriously. As a child I thought people were laughing at me all the time, so it wasn’t easy to learn to direct humor at myself. As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself. I was actually laughing with myself.

 

Once I began to lighten up everything changed — and I found I wasn’t taking things so personally.

 

Yes, that’s it: I learned how to find the balance of taking myself seriously enough to believe in myself, yet lightly enough to laugh with myself.

 

Do you, too, have a story to tell about your own or someone else’s nervous, self-conscious laughter?

Do you have a story to tell about overcoming the uneasy feelings that can arise in uncomfortable situations?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Waiting and Waiting to Hear: “Thank You for Your Good Work!”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / 72soul

A workplace consultation client, let’s call him Mel, and I were taking a deep dive into how often he feels unappreciated for his creativity and contributions at work.

 

We were exploring how disappointed he was by not being validated for his major contributions to four projects that won 5 impressive awards in his field. “I was the sole Instructional Designer on 3 of those projects.”

 

Since I had just been interviewed on professional rejection by the Washington Post’s The Lily outlet, I offered to send him the just published piece.  

 

https://www.thelily.com/everyone-gets-rejected-heres-what-our-readers-learned-from-their-toughest-ones/

 

His response was to say he was struck by how many folks in the sample told stories about how rejection spurred them on to bigger and better successes.

 

Mel realized a High School rejection experience had the opposite effect for him when he wasn’t selected for a National Merit Award. “I decided I would never receive any outside validation because I wasn’t good enough at anything else except doing well on standardized tests.”

 

“I craved validation, I needed to feel legitimized! And I hoped getting that Merit Award would give me a sense of accomplishment.”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / izakowski

 

“Guess I’m still wanting that respect! When my company won those 5 awards no one from upper management reached out to me to say, “Thank you for your good work. That’s a real benefit to our company.”

 

Instead, silence.

 

And sometimes don’t most of us need to feel recognized, legitimized, appreciated, respected?

 

Mel’s reflections got me thinking about my own High School days when I felt Invisible. Unrecognized. Insignificant. Inconsequential. Unappreciated.

 

And I recalled how frequently these early rejecting experiences seemed to follow me into the workplace. There have been so many times when I was hoping someone would pat me on the head and say, “Atta girl!”

 

Most of us have a need to feel worthy and appreciated for who we are and what we do.

 

I encourage workplace and psychotherapy clients to ‘walk alongside themselves’ and observe (without judgment) how their early messages and experiences of disappointment and rejection might be reflected in their present day professional (and personal) experiences.

 

By discovering what those early messages have been and how they might be influencing present-day interactions, we can step back and choose to try out new approaches.

 

There are many facets of rejection and self-rejection. For many of us feeling disrespected usually leads the list. There are all kinds of flavors of feeling ‘dissed’ so I created a ‘Diss List’ of ways we might tend to feel dissed, feel rejected, get our feelings hurt and take something personally:

 

How many of these feelings do you recognize?

 

Can you think of other “diss” feelings we can add to the list?

 

Do you have a story to tell about your own experience with feeling accepted or disappointed and rejected?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

A Rejection Refresher Course for the New Year

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

                                                                                © Can Stock Photo / artursz

 

 

So I’m thinking a useful way to end the year is recapping some talking points about rejection, hurt feelings and taking things personally included in past blogs from the last 15 years.

 

Prevention Magazine recently featured some of my ideas along with the wise observations of Matt Lundquist the Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.

 

And a recent piece in the Atlanta Journal Constitution has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about these challenges  many times and the paper links to a blog from 2019.

 

So I’m reprinting these two features –sort of a Special Edition Rejection Cliff Notes.

 

Let me know the ways you might find these useful. . .

 

Tips From Prevention Magazine . . .

 

6 Tips for Dealing With Rejection, According to Experts

You’re not just sensitive—rejection hurts and we have the science to prove it.

By Micaela Bahn

 

https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a38175548/how-to-get-over-rejection/

 

Hooray! You took a risk and put yourself out there. But after all of that emotional effort, it didn’t go as planned, and now you’re feeling just a bit wounded. Everyone deals with rejection at one point or another, so it’s no secret–rejection hurts. Whatever business we start, serious relationship we pursue, or personal risk we take, the risk of a defeating “no” looms large over our actions. Fear of rejection is completely normal, and the good news is plenty of happy, successful people have faced rejection and come out better for it.

 

So, why does it seem like some people are better at dealing with it than others? Sometimes, it’s about how you frame the setback. “Rejection hurts, in part, because one of the most fundamental human fears is abandonment, ” say’s Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and Founder and Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.

 

Likewise, we frequently misinterpret rejection and consider it an indicator of our self-worth, especially if it’s attached to a rejection we experienced early in life, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., LMFT, and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. “Rejection messages, direct or indirect, intentional or not, leave bruises on self-esteem and security in both our personal and workplace relationships.”

 

The sting of rejection can be painful enough to make us never want to take the risk again, especially when we’ve put our emotions on the line. But if we take rejection as the end-all-be-all, we miss out on so many of the wonderful and surprising opportunities life has to offer. Fortunately, there are a few tangible steps you can take to help change your frame of mind so that the burn doesn’t last. Here’s why rejection hurts so much and some expert-approved tips for moving forward and finding emotional strength.

 

1. Know there’s a reason that rejection hurts

The term ‘sting of rejection’ isn’t just an apt turn of phrase for hurt feelings. Your brain actually registers the pain of rejection as a physical wound, so don’t think of yourself as overly sensitive.

 

In a study published in Science, researchers used fMRI’s to determine that rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. Their theory as to why: Our social bonds help promote survival. “We are fundamentally social creatures,” says Lundquist. “This isn't merely a preference—we depend on one another to survive. On a primal level, being cast out of a family or group is synonymous with death.”

 

Evolution aside, our reaction to social rejection is also impacted by our attachment styles, or our unique way of relating to others in a relationship. Learning to attach and to confidently detach is something we develop in childhood, explains Lundquist. In healthy attachment styles, children learn to tolerate the unpleasantness of being separate from a parent and, eventually, from other love objects. So, rejection is a particularly unpleasant form of detachment.

 

2. Process your feelings

Now that you know the pain isn’t just in your head, it’s time to identify and process all of the feelings that come with it. Give yourself permission to feel the full scope of your emotions. It’s important to put any sense of loss in perspective, says Savage. Here are a couple of check-in questions and coping tools that she offers patients:

 

• Ask yourself, ‘Am I taking this personally?’
• Ask yourself, ‘What old messages might be impacting these feelings of rejection?’
• Mindfully notice your feelings and reactions (mindfulness means without judgment!).
• Give a voice to your feelings—speak your feelings out loud or write them down.

 

Each of these exercises can help untangle our present feelings. “It’s critical to recognize our early rejection messages from childhood, how we dealt with them, and how they have affected our current worldview,” Savage explains. If we recognize these feelings and reactions, we can choose to change them.

 

3. Understand where the rejection came from

Take a deep breath because it’s time to do the scary work of exploring our own role in the rejection (again, without judgment!). One major pitfall in relationships is that we sometimes don’t communicate what we want clearly. Ask yourself: Was I asking someone to read my mind, and do I feel disappointed? Savage notes that in our need to protect ourselves from rejection, we may leave blanks for someone else to fill in.

 

Similarly, our insecurities can also lead us to perceive something as rejection when it’s actually not. “​​If we don’t clarify meaning, it can often lead to hurt feelings, taking something personally, anger and resentment,” says Savage. This “clarifying,” can be internal or in conversation with the other party. For instance, you asked your boss for a promotion and they told you you aren’t quite ready. Instead of taking this personally and giving up on that hope for your future, think of it as an opportunity to find out what your boss needs from you to beready.

 

A quick and easy check-in strategy you can try with interpersonal relationships, from Savage:

1. This is what I heard you say ___________.
2. Is it what you said?
3. Is it what you meant?

 

There are certainly times we shouldn’t delve further into the rejection conversation. But if the situation allows for it and it feels right, this strategy can work to fix communication breakdowns and save your unnecessary hurt.

 

4. Avoid unproductive rumination

 

At the same time, be kind to yourself in your reflection! We have a tendency to be our own worst critics. But ruminating for hours on everything you did wrong may overgeneralize the situation or discourage you from taking future risks—just because you didn’t get this job, doesn’t mean you’ll never get a job. “Some of the biggest challenges patients face when processing rejection are the tendency to self-blame and spend way too much energy on catastrophizing the situation,” Savage explains. Instead, try to take a more objective standpoint in your assessment and move on to what’s next.

 

5. Take stock of what you can learn

Allow yourself to frame the situation as an experience you can grow from. For example, you want to take a romantic relationship to a more serious level, but your partner does not. Sure, this can be related to your role in the relationship, but the other person may also have a hard time with commitment. “What can you learn about what didn't work in the relationship?” Lundquist asks. “Are there ways you need to grow as a person? If there is a history of attachment trauma or unhealthy attachment, say to unavailable people, you want to bring that to therapy.” Not only will this give you perspective, but it will also help you avoid pitfalls in the future.

 

6. Surround yourself with positivity

No matter the “size” of the rejection, whether it’s at work or home, it can still have a negative impact on our sense of self-worth. Mediate that response by reminding yourself of your strengths. Studies show that practicing affirmations can decrease stress, increase well-being, improve academic performance, and makes people more open to behavior change. It can also help bring an end to that troublesomerumination. If you need a list of affirmations to get your creative juices flowing, here are 40 examples from Kaiser Permanente.

 

You can also do activities that help boost your mood, affirm your self-worth, and do them with those who care about you. “It's important to get support from caring people when going through a hard time, and that also goes for rejection,” says Lundquist.

 

7. Redirect your thoughts on moving forward

You’ve faced rejection and survived it, now don’t let it hold you back from life! How will you apply what you learned to the future? What life advice did the situation give you? The best part of rejection is looking forward and learning not to be so hard on yourself in the future. “Moving on can mean finding the courage to try again, whether that’s going up for another promotion or asking someone out for coffee,” Savage says.

 

Micaela Bahn is a freelance editorial assistant and recent graduate from Carleton College, where she majored in English literature.

 

And from the Atlanta Journal Constitution . . .

 

This recent piece has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about this many times over the last 15 years and I’m glad the paper included some of my ideas!

 

Don’t Get Your Feelings Hurt This Christmas

 

https://www.ajc.com/things-to-do/atlanta-winter-guide/dont-get-your-feelings-hurt-this-christmas/VQ2NDVEWTFFSFKF66GQJCIYSZ4/

A really helpful any-time primer on how to deal with disappointments and to not take things so personally!

 

Wishing you a New Year filled with all good things!

 

Image by Gerd Altmann, Pixabay

 

Until Next month,

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Tip-toeing Through Thanksgiving

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I wrote my first Thanksgiving Survival blog November 2007. That year I described how the stressful times we live in contributed to acrimony at  the table.
 
The know-it-all uncle who always has to always be  right or the aunt who loves to tease and embarrass someone are again guests at the  table.

 

Over the years I would describe these kinds of unpleasant exchanges with right-on observations and  clever humor.

 

Things aren’t so funny anymore . . .

 

Back in 2017 I wrote:

“Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious –– especially in stressful times.

“Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

“How can you best stay calm when folks around 
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact, 
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.”

 

Oh, man. How naïve I was back then about the ravages of stress. Covid has produced even more unrelenting uncertainty, fears for personal safety and security, and for some of us, even a sense of alarm.

 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe – and here in California the smoky air from months of fires this last year didn’t help matters.

 

So grateful to have my room air purifier!

 

So here comes Thanksgiving again . . .

Thinking positive thoughts of gratitude could be a difficult thing to do while sitting at the dinner table with relatives who have much different ideas about masks or vaccinations or inflation or ballot recounts or immigration or social justice or protests or riots or guns and rifles or climate change or universal pre-K or women’s right to choose or voting rights or infrastructure or childcare or subpoenas and indictments or various trials.

 

So much intensity and bitterness and everybody seems to be ready to pick a fight, needing to be right – and to make everybody else ‘and wrong and bad.’

 

Are there any topics you feel safe talking about?

 

So let’s prepare ourselves in case there is discord at the table. Here are a few ideas and options I’ve offered over the last 15 years and maybe some new ones too.

 

Uncle George is at the table again. Lately he has been more blustery and obnoxious then ever before. In the past you’ve been embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to be heard above his rants and to make your point.

 

So how do you handle him this year?

- Remind yourself he tries to ‘bait’ you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’

 

• Imagine you are watching family members as characters in Theatre of the Absurd

It usually helps is to take a step back, reminding yourself that observing the drama of your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd.

 

Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes and dialogue sound surreal.

 

Maybe by creating a little distance you might even find them somewhat entertaining in their weirdness.

 

Using this observational perspective about the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to protect from hurt feelings and to not take things so personally.

 

• Stay aware of appropriate personal boundaries when the other person transgresses your emotional or physical boundaries.

From Breathing Room

“Having good 
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our 
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space 
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person 
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

 

You may want to set your own safety rules around hugs and kisses because of Covid, and its OK to say “I need you to respect my safety requests here.

 

• Try to be mindful of your thoughts, words and reactions and remind yourself you can make choices about how you respond.

You may have heard this from me before: walk alongside yourself, and mindfully notice your thoughts and feelings and reactions. (Mindful means ‘without judgment’!). 

 

Recognizing and ‘naming’ our thoughts and feelings helps to avoid getting swept up in the moment, slows down the intensity and helps you identify your options for responding.

 

If we can’t recognize it, if it’s a blindspot, we can’t make the choice to change it. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for seeing our options for how we respond. 

 

Just because we disagree with someone, doesn’t mean we have to argue or force our point of view.

 

Can you listen respectfully, without interrupting or arguing or rolling your eyes. If someone feels dissed by your words, tone or attitude, they might overreact and that’s when things get out of control.

 

And speaking of respect. Here’s a tip I have offered for decades in my workshops and to therapy and workplace consulting clients for dealing with toxic bosses or colleagues:

 

Since infancy we look into someone’s eyes hoping to find validation and respect. So we are quick to recognize it and respond positively (and quick to respond negatively if we feel rejected – disrespected or dismissed.

 

• Turning negative energy into a respectful, positive conversation

I suggest trying to employ the concept of reciprocity to encourage an exchange of positive, respectful energy between you and the other person.

 

Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the behavior of the other.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Can you find something to like or appreciate about the person you are talking with? This can be a real attribute you find likeable or it can be something more subtle like their smile, their choice of colors, their hair style, their laugh. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with something.

 

Then focus on that feature while you are interacting. They will see respect in your eyes and almost always respond the same to you!

 

• Strategize escape routes if things start getting off track

– Excuse yourself from the table and walk yourself into the bathroom for a few minutes, close the door and breath deeply.

– Walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water or to help out the host.

– Make a deal with yourself before the dinner that you will give yourself permission to leave early if you are feeling too stressed and upset. Plan out beforehand your excuse for leaving.

 

• And the best survival tactic is to not take things so personally – it’s probably not really about you!

Aunt Judy will be at the table this year too. You have always dreaded her unrelenting obnoxious comments that make you want to crawl under the table and disappear when she broadcasts stories about your childhood insecurities: “You always were too sensitive.”

 

Try being direct about her boundary transgressions: “Aunt Judy, in celebrating this time of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories about me.”

 

Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others..

 

Can you remind yourself that her snide comments to you are most likely reflections of her own insecurities that she is projecting onto you.

 

Can you remind yourself that it’s probably not about you can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in awkward and unsettling situations. Someone’s judgments, criticisms or accusations might only be their projection onto you of their own unacceptable and disowned parts of themselves.

 

These unacknowledged feelings can include
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, 
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency."

 

Keep reminding yourself these kinds of criticisms are really about the other person – not about you – so try not to take it personally!

 

• Remind yourself not get pulled in when the fisherman throws out bait by their teasing, accusations, mean-spiritedness, or cluelessness.

Can you choose not to be the fish that bites the bait?

 

In my 2015 Thanksgiving blog I wrote this quote from Master Yoda:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

 

Would you agree the meaning is so much more profound today?

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates this holiday . . . and wishing everyone a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation – wherever you reside in the world . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Congressional Communication Breakdowns Replicate Troubled Couples

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                                                                                          © Can Stock Photo / focalpoint

 

Lately the squabbling and dramatic goings-on in Congress remind me of many troubled couples I see in my psychotherapy practice.

 

My intake information form asks: “Why did you decide to come into therapy now?” and almost always couples answer with the same one or two words: “Communication” or “Communication Problem.”

 

My first job, of course, is to get some specifics about what this means – “communication” covers a lot of ground.

 

Mostly couples want to be listened to, heard, and understood.

 

The kinds of things that are often lacking in these relationships are what appears to be lacking in our present Congress: becoming entrenched in ‘my way or the highway’ thinking, the inability to clearly define what they want and expecting others to read their minds, and not having skills to respectfully negotiate a workable solution.

 

I describe it this way: If we can’t talk it out, we act it out – sometimes by name-calling or by outbursts, but often by non-actions such as sulking or foot-dragging or saying ‘yes-but’ or by making promises that are not kept, or by shutting out the other person.

 

Feeling Rejected and Disrespected Through Misunderstandings

Too often they do not know how to clarify meaning and they ‘fill in the blanks” with their own interpretation.

 

One easy way to check out meaning is:

- This is what I heard you say? ––––––––––––––––

- Is this what you said?

- Is this what you meant?

The gives the other person two opportunities to clarify and avoid any misunderstanding.

 

These mis-cues and misunderstandings are a breeding ground for taking things personally, hurt feelings, disrespect, anger, feeling rejected, resentment and further breakdown in communication.

 

Resentment sure takes up a tremendous amount of space in any type of relationship – including Congress.

 

Communication breakdown too often leads to blaming, dismissive, name-calling behaviors. Needing to make the other person ‘bad and wrong.’ Inability to take responsibility for their words or actions., dismissive behaviors such as diminishing the other person by bullying.

 

I work with couples toward defining and asking for what they want or need, feeling 'heard' by their partner, respecting rather than feeling threatened by differences of style, putting themselves in the shoes of the other person, giving and receiving respect, and enhancing ways to work as a team. 

 

Even when they come in with different agendas, I coach them:

- to clearly communicate so each is feeling listened to and heard.

- to use words of yearning instead of complaining.

- to enhance their relationship strengths by helping the hurt, anger, disrespect and resentment to fall away, allowing space for responsiveness, accessibility and connection.

- to fully understand the power of reciprocity in relationships:

 

Understanding Sequence and Reciprocity

Sequence is identifying what behavior comes before and what behavior follows. And what comes before that? And before that? What behavior comes after? Soon a pattern of interaction begins to emerge.

 

Related to sequence is reciprocity – the effect of behavior on future behaviors – how one response begets another. In other words, every action is also a reaction, creating a circular rather than linear process of relating.

It means taking a good look at how folks participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Let’s suppose one person says something the other person perceives as accusatory. The response is often to protect from the perceived attack. The first reaction may be to withdraw, maybe nursing hurt feelings or giving the other person the silent treatment.

 

What if this withdrawal is perceived as a snub? What if they say something hurtful in response?

 

And what happens then? Does the person withdraw even more to protect themselves from more hurt? And does the other person feel even more ignored and slighted? How do they react to this feeling?

 

At what point does the interaction start to disintegrate?

 

And on and on it goes. In other words, in this kind of circular interaction, each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior.

 

Before you know it, there is a reciprocity of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.

 

Yep, that describes Congress perfectly: Out of Hand.

Until next month, 

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Feeling Left Behind

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

 

Yesterday I heard Matt Zeller, a founder of No One Left Behind passionately speaking about the first planeload of 221 Afghan interpreters and their families arriving in Virginia –  the first wave of evacuees under the Special Immigrant Visa Program.

 

Zeller asks: “Do we have the courage and conviction to do what is necessary here?

 

We have to do it honorably.  We have the ability to save them – they don’t have the ability to save themselves. It is up to us.”

 

There have been some touching first person experiences about Afghan interpreters who have saved many lives and now their families lives are in danger from the Taliban.

 

No One Left Behind, cofounded by Afghanistan combat veteran Matt Zeller and interpreter Janis Shinwari, helps endangered interpreters and their families immigrate to the United States. Shinwari saved countless American lives, including Zeller’s in Afghanistan.

https://nooneleft.org/

 

Eliot Ackerman, a former Marine and intelligence officer who served five tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan describes his re-connection with his Afghan interpreter, Ali.

https://amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/619151/.

 

And more interpreter evacuee information:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/first-afghan-interpreters-their-families-arrive-in-the-u-s-on-special-visas

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2021/07/30/afghan-interpreters-evacuations/

 

I have been aware for quite a while that the Taliban has threatened Afghan interpreters. Matt Zeller states “If you worked for the Americans for even a day — leads to a death sentence for you and your family by Taliban.”

 

Now, with the Taliban advancing into territories as the Americans withdraw, this fear becomes more real every day.

 

So I’ve been pretty distressed about the seemingly hopeless situation of the interpreters and their families who will be left behind. I kept thinking that my degree of distress seems more complex. What’s going on here?

 

Then I knew! I have a long-time relationship with a fear of being left behind.  I have heard scores of ‘left behind’ stories from therapy and workplace clients, workshop participants, colleagues and friends.

 

Some of My Feeling ‘Left Behind’ Experiences

Here we go:

In 2^nd grade in DC they did away with mid-year so we were either placed forward a grade or back based on our birthdates. I was placed forward since I had just missed the deadline cutoff. The third grade class had already learned cursive and more challenging math and I felt really left behind in my abilities. I began to doubt myself. 

 

My good friend was placed back a grade and was so upset about it, feeling and “dumb” and very left behind.

 

I’ve heard many classroom moved forward and moved back stories over the years. Both situations can have such long-term effects on us.

 

As the daughter of a ‘stage mother’ I was always afraid I wouldn’t be chosen for a part in a play and that I would disappoint her.

 

I am clear now that I decided to go back to school for a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology because several of my coworkers were chosen to attend an in-house graduate program. My feeling left behind spurred me on to attend a private Psychology graduate school! 

 

I can see how these ‘left behind’ experiences are very connected to my rejection issues of feeling ‘left out’ which have plagued me into my adult years.

 

Other Voices

 

A woman I know grew up in a family where she was told college was “not for her” because of her learning disability.  One day her mom and sister said to her—‘it is time to accept your life is over and to find a husband in the town and settle and have kids.”  She clearly did not feel heard or acknowledged by her family.

 

After many years of feeling left behind by her peers who had already graduated college or graduate school, she decided as an adult to start community college and transfer to the University. She is determined to graduate. Her resiliency is amazing. Through self advocacy she tirelessly pursued effective communication accommodations that include Communication Access Realtime Translation (CART) captioning and transcription services.

 

“When I decided to begin college with the help of the new Americans with Disabilities Act technology law  to get CART Captioning and  transcription services, I found my accommodation needs were not being heard and recognized and acknowledged by the school and the department that was supposed to provide these to me. So almost daily I was left behind the class because I was unable to complete my reading and assignments.

 

The dread of being left behind is constantly recreated by the University’s inability to provide adequate accommodations for me and I am regularly not feeling heard or acknowledged — just as it was in my family!

 

Again I watched everyone pass me up and graduate and move on with their lives.

 

“This is deeply sad and painful to face the reality that not only did I try to go to college once and twice and people are passing me by and graduating that are younger than me. My completion of classes and graduation keeps getting postponed because of the University’s inability to provide acceptable and timely transcription services and CART captioning to me."

 

I’ve heard many stories about clients not feeling they can start college or specialized training because they believe or had been told by family or high school teachers they lack the skills. 

 

One student summed it up pretty well: “Being left behind is like the ultimate rejection. Being left behind means feeling despair because of missing emotional support and perhaps financial support from your family.”

 

Another student describes:

Lack of family support feels like rejection and makes you question yourself. It's unfortunate but this kind of stuff can really make you dwell and take you down the road of depression. It's a Dark Road. 

 

Several students painfully remember how they were told they lack the skills and abilities. They were also told "That's a pipe dream - Be realistic."

 

When Separations Can Feel Like Being Left Behind

. . . and Abandonment

 

Lots of stories too about when families are no longer intact and the separation arrangements might lead to children feeling ‘left behind.’ 

 

Or feeling ‘left behind’ when a good friend moves across town or across the country. Especially if you did not receive much of a warning. This sort of thing happens all too often.

 

It does seem like abandonment fears may sometimes arise from certain ‘left behind’ experiences.

 

So many types of ‘left behind’ experiences.

Do you have one to tell as well? Would really love to hear your stories.

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Disloyalty, Betrayal and Secrets, Too

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / Elnur

 

Loyalty and Betrayal (and Secrets, too) have been a popular topic with friends, colleagues and clients lately. There must be something in the air.

Topics of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets have captured my interest for decades – they have such a strong connection to the many facets of Rejection.

So I’m excited about Jonathan Karl’s soon-to-be-published book Betrayal, due out in November!

In graduate school, I was totally intrigued by Invisible Loyalties, by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, focusing on how loyalty and betrayal messages travel throughout the generations in our families.

More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger

 

He describes an invisible ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.  

My first reaction: OMG that’s my family! I have never thought about things this way.

There are so many messages we take on in our growing up years. Messages about our world, the people in our world, our sense of safety and security in our world and our ability to trust.

And experiences with the disappointments of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets can big time affect our ability to trust.

I see it this way: Too often we might find ourselves feeling disappointed in people or events.                                      And all too often, Disappointment feels like Rejection.

 

When Disloyalty Rears Its Ugly Head

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

Some folks even encourage others to choose sides. And because blind support becomes a proof of loyalty to them, if it is absent they they feel betrayed and take it personally.

Sometimes in interactions with other there is just no room for mistakes – even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of disloyalty and emphasizing what a bad person that person is.

Some folks seem to have a need to lash out and punish others for a mis-step, kind of like when a dog has an 'accident,’ rubbing its nose in it "to teach a lesson."

Then again, sometimes it emanates from being vindictive and retaliating in just plain mean-spiritedness

Are there other kinds of Disloyalty experiences you are aware of?

 

Making Someone ‘Bad and Wrong’

 

Wrapped up in our need to make others bad and wrong might be connected to our inability to take responsibility for our thoughts or actions.

Some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

And if we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this can lead to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

 

Psychological Projection

 

So basically Psychological Projection is a tendency to mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because these disowned parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us.

Projection is how many people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

(For more on Psychological Projection, see link below)

 

The ‘Attack-Defend’ Dynamic

 

When we feel a finger is pointed and we feel criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. And the Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Shaming

Smearing

Scorning

You may recognize these responses as rejecting behaviors.

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, try to remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

• It helps to put things in perspective by asking yourself:

       Am I taking this personally? How?

       Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

       Am I feeling rejected in some way?

       Where did this reaction come from?

          Is it something “old”?

         (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

• Try repeating:

      "This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves.

      What might they be saying?“ Could they be coming from a place of fear and needing to protect themselves?

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be? Is it superimposing onto your present experience?

The context and people may be very different from what is happening now, however the experience continues to reside in your neural pathways and becomes visceral.

• Can you remind yourself to try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you are creating some distance? So you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting.

• By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options for your reactions.

 

‘Make a Choice to Make a Change'

 

Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. You can ‘make a choice to make a change.’

More on Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Air Rage - Who Gave Permission for Such Bad Behavior?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

CanStock Photo / rogistok

What a disturbing nationwide trend air rage has become! And this latest incident is shocking –– someone didn’t want to follow the rules so she knocked out two teeth of a flight attendant.

A statement from Southwest says she had "repeatedly ignored standard inflight instructions and became verbally and physically abusive upon landing." She is now banned from Southwest flights for life. 

I’m fascinated by rages and over the last couple of decades I’ve written about and been interviewed on many types: air rage and road rage and movie rage and fast food rage and shopping mall rage, and birthday party rage.

 

My blogs about air rage date back to 2010:

Outbursts of Outrage – Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?

Does Air Rage Reflect These Outrageous Times?

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

 

Also some blogs about various other rages in the news:

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/rage/

One of my favorites is  Fear, Anger and Outrage

 

Far too many outbursts have resulted in serious injuries and deaths of innocent bystanders. Yet when I re-read many of the earlier incidents I’m stunned at what seemed outrageous a few years ago seems tame to me now –– when compared to the massive outrageousness of recent behavior.

 

This month, the Federal Aviation Administration warned air travelersthat there has been a spike in disorderly or dangerous behavior aboard passenger planes.

 

According to the FAA: ”In a typical year, the transportation agency sees 100 to 150 formal cases of bad passenger behavior. But since the start of this year, the agency said, the number of reported cases has jumped to 1,300, an even more remarkable number since the number of passengers remains below pre-pandemic levels.”

However when the passengers who refuse to comply with the federal mask mandate are added in, the figure reaches 2,500!  

 

The San Diego Union-Tribune observes: 

“Bad behavior on commercial flights is not a new phenomenon.

But now it has become a national concern.

Unruly and sometimes violent passengers have become more frequent, disrupting flights and injuring airline employees, according to the Federal Aviation Administration, longtime flight attendants and pilots.

That coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. 

The sense of entitlement is hard to miss. 

Many of the disputes erupt over requirements to wear masks in an effort to limit the spread of COVID-19 — whether on an airliner, in a restaurant or at a coffee shop.

Often bearing the brunt of customer anger over the rules are flight attendants, restaurant servers, store clerks and other front-line service industry employees who already are at greater risk of becoming infected by the coronavirus than other workers. 

Being abusive to people who a) didn’t make the rules and b) are trying to help get you what you came for or where you’re going is beyond unfair.

Then there’s the selfish disregard for potentially endangering the health of people nearby, never mind ruining their flight or meal, by being a jerk.

It’s hard to quantify these incidents involving masks because they aren’t all reported and there’s nothing to compare them to pre-pandemic. Certainly, amplification through news reports and social media can make them seem common. The reality is, most everyone does the right thing. The vast majority of people who fly on planes and eat at restaurants are game to follow the rules for the service they are getting.

Unfortunately, some aren’t.”

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/columnists/story/2021-05-30/column-trouble-in-the-skies-mirrors-obstinance-to-rules-on-the-ground?_amp=true

 

Getting Upset, Overreacting and Lashing Out . . .

 

I’m noticing I’m getting angry easier and lashing out more than usual with the stress of the pandemic and isolation. Colleagues, friends and clients are reporting the same kinds of stressful interactions. I, too, find myself easily irritated. I even yelled at my cat the other day. Well, no, actually I screamed at her.

 

Do you, too, find yourself becoming more reactive than in ‘normal ‘times?

 

Let’s take a look at overreacting. All too often we take something personally and overreact when something hurtful is said to us or we  feel blamed or slighted or personally attacked. We may get defensive when people don't see things our way, we might  see others as “wrong” and “bad” and we might tend to turn the situation into “us” and “them.” 

 

When we take something personally, it is usually because we are overly sensitive to what somebody says or does OR what they neglect to say or do. The bottom line is we feel disrespected in some way.

 

Feeling “dissed” can stir up hurt feelings which may turn into anger and resentment. All too often anger turns into rage. 

 

Rage is an oversized step beyond anger and I see an important distinction: anger is connected to the present, rage is rooted in the past. It bursts forth when a situation in the present triggers profound emotions — early hurts and resentments about a similar type of situation are bubbling under the surface. These experiences of rejection are most likely from childhood: siblings, parents, extended family, peers, teachers or coaches.

 

This is why I call rage “anger with a history.”

 

What Causes These Outbursts?

 

CanStock/ willierossin

Where do these potent emotions come from? What causes these outbursts, these lapses in good judgment? What causes rage to explode into out of control behaviors, even violence? What prompts us to react so desperately?

 

When new perceived rejection hurts pile onto old ones each hurtful remark opens old wounds. Anything in that stockpile can ignite. We get overwhelmed and unable to think straight. We overreact and lose control. 

 

Feeling disrespected includes judgment, criticism, condescension, betrayal, bullying and humiliation –– all are facets of rejection. 

 

When we feel mistreated, unsafe or threatened, we tend to defend ourselves. We restore our pride by attacking back. Or by seeking revenge.

 

Sometimes our rebellion comes from not liking to be ordered to do something – like obeying rules and wearing masks on an airplane.

 

Today’s news is filled with personal and cultural rage that is assaultive and violent. Our elected officials are increasingly at each other’s throats. Someone is an unwitting victim of road rage, air rage, fast food rage and birthday party rage. Sports rage produces melees on basketball courts, playing fields and little league games. A student is taunted by others and brings a gun to school. Someone feels slighted and disrespected and stalks and kills co-workers. 

 

We are at the same time victim and victimizer. 

 

A paragraph in the piece quoted above in the San Diego Union-Tribune describes the power of isomorphism: “Bad behavior on commercial flights….coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. The sense of entitlement is hard to miss.”

 

Isomorphism is a term from systems theory –– you may know it by the terms ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’

 

Isomorphism is where patterns repeat from one setting to another, including attitudes, moral character, values and temperament. I’ve noticed that the culture of each administration lappears to be  influencing  many people as it trickles down from Congress and the White House into our workplaces and personal lives. 

 

Isomorphism is a reflection of one situation by another. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

I frequently hear this pattern described by my workplace consultation clients. The character and values of the leader trickles down to staff.  Sometimes the workforce is highly uncomfortable with it.

More on isomorphism: When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down (from 2017)

 

The experience of losing control and overreacting, and lashing out feels pretty yucky to most of us. The disrespect we are spewing onto others ends up splattering on us as well.

 

Trying to pause the interaction might help. Can you take a deep breath, maybe 4 or 5? Remind yourself you DO have choices – can you name one? What might  that be? Can you say it out loud to yourself?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice instead to start respecting ourselves.

  

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Making Someone Bad and Wrong

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri

 

 

Making someone “bad and wrong” is in the air. Seems like every day there is another personal attack – followed by an attack on the attacker.

 

When one or both feel they have to be right, there’s just not enough space for two opinions or ideas or beliefs.

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

 

Sometimes they even encourage others to choose sides. It becomes a proof of loyalty to them and they take it personally and feel betrayed when they think others are not being supportive.

 

Sometimes there is just no room for mistakes and even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of what a bad person he or she is.

 

Some folks seem to have a need to punish others for a missstep, like when a dog has an 'accident' and rubbing it's nose in it "to teach a lesson."

 

Then again, sometimes it emanates from just plain mean-spiritedness or being vindictive and retaliating.

 

Wrapped up in our need to make someone bad and wrong is often our inability to take responsibility and own shame. Some of us struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed (or shamed.) And we cannot tolerate those feelings in ourselves. This can lead to psychological projection (see below.)

 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

 

The Attack-Defend Dynamic

 

When a finger is pointed and someone feels criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. The Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and lashes out.

 

Sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing

Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning

 

These are all rejecting behaviors of course.

 

Have you, too, been feeling immersed in this kind of ‘bad and wrong’ finger-pointing behavior coming out of just about every corner of political activity?

 

And when the finger is pointed at us over and over again, we can all too easily inflate and perpetuate the idea that yes, we are indeed a bad person  – a self-image most likely originating in childhood.

Revisiting Childhood Messages

 

Good Kid/Bad Kid

Let’s take a look at the concept of “good” and “bad” within families. In some families one child appears to be designated as the “good” one, while another child is thought of as “bad.”

 

These good and bad roles often span several generations with designations being passed down.  

 

And what about those of us who learned to feel bad about ourselves each time we were sent to our room in shame, isolated from our family?

 

"You don't deserve to sit with us at the dinner table! Go to your room." No surprise that we go so easily to a ‘shame’ place now.

 

Others of us somehow learned along the way we are ceding power if we allow space for another person to be right or to make a point. So by puffing ourselves up to feel powerful we diminish others.

 

Or maybe we just like the excitement of an argument. Some families actually feel more connected through argument and raised voices.

 

The dynamic of making someone Bad and Wrong is a frequent focus in my sessions with couples and families and in workplace mediation.

 

I often ask: “Do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to be right?

Let’s talk about other ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.

 

Some of us puff ourselves up which looks like bullying behavior. To not feel so inadequate, we inflate ourselves by diminishing others.

Sometimes perceived slights morph into perceived enemies when we become suspicious of others' intentions.

 

Sometimes we become vindictive or vengeful. Sometimes we rant or throw a tantrum or lash out.

 

Sometimes we flail out in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves.

 

Sometimes we accuse others of the same behaviors we have done ourselves. This is psychological projection.

 

If you have followed these blogs for 10 or15 years you may be aware how often I highlight projection in connection with blaming and taking things personally.

 

 

Psychological Projection Explains a Lot About  “Bad and Wrong”

 

Projection is when we unconsciously attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.

 

When we find ourselves with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to try to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings.

 

A common way we protect ourselves is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others. Especially to those who disagree with us. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients and so are those who are on the other side of the political aisle.

 

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

 

• It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:

"This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves. What might they be saying?“

 

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be?

 

Can you create some distance by reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting?

 

By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options. And you can 'make a choice to make a change' in your reactions.

 

Think about it this way: you cannot really change a behavior if you cannot see it. So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can choose to return to a fork in the road and to move forward along a new path.

Yes, you can 'make a choice to make a change.'

 

 

 

More on psychological projection and 'a wise way to handle hurtful gnarly people'

 

I bet you have ideas and challenges to add here. Would love to hear from you . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Taking a Cue From UNO: No Politics Allowed!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

This year the UNO card deck changes colors to orange and purple, clearly stating:

“No red or blue cards means no taking sides!”

The pack is stamped “NONPARTISAN” hoping to reduce stress at family gatherings caused by political fighting. And just in case a cantankerous relative tries to start a political conversation the pack includes a 'VETO' card!

 

Every few years I blog about how to avoid hurt feelings on Thanksgiving. I used to use some humor, describing how family gatherings can seem like we are watching Theatre of the Absurd. I’ve had a good time poking fun at the Cast of Characters at the table.

 

Trouble is, I don’t find much humor these days in how people treat each other. Family gatherings are becoming more and more like a microcosm of our tension-laden, disrespectful and scary world: dismissiveness, arguments, hurt feelings, personal attacks, threats and sometimes even violence.

 

It’s frightening and makes me feel very vulnerable.

 

I’m hoping this year we can take a cue from UNO and stay away from political fighting at our family gatherings. Actually I’m writing this Thanksgiving blog with a plea: please make sure you feel safe in the presence of others. Please be careful about biting any political discussion bait that someone may throw out to you and about unwittingly baiting a relative with your own political observations.

 

Someone could get hurt. It used to be mostly hurt feelings but lately it seems like too often physical harm happens too.

 

Does it seem to you that this year stress is higher than in the past. Reports of interactions between world leaders and elected officials describe out-of-control anger, raging, lashing out, bullying, dismissiveness, contempt, ridicule, mockery, derision, and taunting. And this year there have been accusations of bribery, extortion, and even threats of ‘insurance policies.’ Am I the only one who thinks that could mean blackmail?

 

I’d like to see elected officials model some amount of respectful and ethical behavior instead of disrespect and deception.

 

I find this behavior especially scary because it gives permission to the rest of us to act badly.

 

Politicized and Polarized

 

Family dynamics often replicate global attitudes and actions. too often they can bring up fear. And fear often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. And we feel especially vulnerable to the scariness ‘out there.’

 

Defending against this fear can make us more polarized than ever. It becomes Us vs. Them. Good vs. Bad. Seems like too many people have a strong need to make everyone else ‘Bad’ and ‘Wrong.’

Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Distrust permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. In any relationship, Trust is pretty important and it seems to be disintegrating.

 

Will this have an effect on our Thanksgiving gatherings?


Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

 

The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one. 

Uncle John is a great example of obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had an extra drink or two. That’s when his political rants are not just annoying. In his determination to be right at any cost, his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful.

 

And he loves to bait other guests into arguing with him. He pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed as you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

 

So how do you handle him?

- Keep reminding yourself he’s baiting you and you have a choice not to bite.

– It helps to have a rehearsed response in case you get flustered. Be direct. Something like: "Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you."

 

Pass the Rejection, Please



 

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were a little kid. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You just want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she loves getting a charge out of you, not showing reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


– Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are usually feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

– Try being direct with her: “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, I would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.”



– Instead of imagining crawling under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walking into the bathroom and closing the door and regaining your composure.


 

Watching the Cast of Characters in Theatre of the Absurd



 

This is where it helps to imagine stepping back as if you are watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes seem surreal. Actually by imagining yourself as the audience observing the weirdness of this cast of characters you can create a safe space for yourself in the midst of all the crazy-making goings-on.

Employing this perspective can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally. And hopefully to not get so angry or over-reactive to their stupid comments.


 

Opt-In to Time-Outs 



 

Here are some good ways to try to take care of yourself:

– Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a needed ‘Time Out.’

– Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you probably felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

– One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

– In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

– At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely not about you. It’s a good guess that other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.

 

Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

– By the way, if you really need to check your calls on your device, some relatives might feel offended, so walking into the bathroom to check you can avoid ruffling feathers.

– Here is a strategy that works really well: Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.


 

Planning a Quick Get-Away

 

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more planning.

 

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.


 

It’s Not About You!

 

It’s worth a trip to the bathroom to clear your mind and make the space to remind yourself it’s probably not about you.

 

It helps to ask yourself:

Am I taking this personally? How?

Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”? **

** (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

This can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting and hurtful environments. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


 

Do you have a story or two to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them? 

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the 
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com


 

Note: Parts of this blog are borrowed from previous Thanksgiving blogs I’ve written over the years and from Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

About the new UNO cards

Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword

 

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Did Mueller Hearings Symbolize the Tattered Fabric of Our Country?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Flickr:  Ross Sandelius

I found exchanges between congressional committee members and Robert Mueller unsettling: There was awkwardness and discontinuity and too much grandstanding. I was surprised to hear the extent of the anger and sarcasm.

I kept seeing an image of a tattered American flag that someone had tried to stitch back together. For me it symbolized the ripped fabric of our country.

Watching Robert Mueller struggle at times to find the precise word was especially painful for me. I was reminded of my own life-long struggles with words.

I, too, try to be precise but it takes effort. Most of my life dyslexia and mild ADHD have interfered with grabbing just the right word – and it doesn’t get any easier as I get older!

I’m pretty good at explaining concepts, presenting difficult, sophisticated ideas in easy to understand language. Yet exact words and phrases often elude me and finding the right words can be a struggle.

Writing these blogs over the last 12 years I find I can easily knock out a rudimentary first draft, but making it articulate can take hours.

How The Media Outdid Themselves with Ridicule

Seems to me many media outlets missed the point of Mueller’s need for precision. They portrayed his seeming struggles for choosing the right word as a deficit and made it a focus of attention.

They were ridiculing him for not remembering certain statements made in the report. How hard would it be to figure out that he didn’t write every word himself.

In her recent post my professional speaking colleague and friend Francine Ward, Esq. says it better than I ever could:

“Funny how many folks made snarky comments about Mueller not remembering what was in the 500 pages of a document his office prepared months ago.

I wonder how many of the complainants (who own homes) can recall every word in the mortgage agreements they signed? Or can readily recall the terms of use they agreed to when signing up for Facebook? Or, can easily recall what’s in the trust, will, or power of attorney they signed?

Further, if anyone has ever been a witness in a litigation, and not remembered everything asked of them, they may recall having their recollection refreshed by the lawyer offering a document for them to review.”

 

Mueller was clear he did not want to testify - and that everything he had to say was in the 448 pages of the report and he would not expand on it.

So Congress went ahead and subpoenaed him, hoping he would expand on the written statements. Why were they so surprised when he gave only one or two word answers, not adding much. I guess I was surprised to hear him being criticized for his brevity. I can’t count how many times during congressional hearings I’ve heard committee members chide witnesses: “Just give me a yes or no answer.” Did these guidelines change for Mr. Mueller?

His answers showed how reluctant he was to be there and how reticent he was about adding more detail to what was described in print.

 

Reluctance, Resistance and Reticence

So let’s talk a bit about reticence.

I’ve worked with hundreds of reluctant and reticent teens (and adults as well.) At first I never expect to get much more than yeses and noes and if lucky maybe a few ad-ons. Almost always the holding back decreases as we move forward.

This kind of withholding can involve many variations: resistance, stalling, foot dragging, yes-butting, only minimally complying and even a form of sabotaging.

The term used in psychology books for these kinds of behaviors is ‘passive aggressive.’ However, I find the actual description of these behaviors is more useful.

We got what we were promised. Mueller clearly stated he would be staying within the confines of the four corners of the Special Counsel report. And he did just that. Even maintaining composure in the face of flaring temper and disrespectful questioning.

 

Magical Thinking and Unrealistic Expectations

And when the hearings were over it’s interesting to speculate what brought on the often vicious, critical comments by the media and public. My guess is it was the amount of ‘magical thinking’ permeated the whole affair.

I often write about how unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointments. When expectations are not realized these disappointments can result in feeling cheated, jilted, rejected by, alienated from and angry at the person who disappointed you.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Flickr: Pompin1

Sometimes as adults, we revert to the magical thinking of our childhood, when we lived midway between the world of magic and the world of reality and all things were possible.

Back then we believed we were the center of the world and our wishful thoughts could make things happen.

Magical thinking is a normal part of childhood development, but in the adult world it can be a setup for disappointment.

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible,” says Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years.

Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.                                                                                                                       

The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. In this magical world the child also attributes various wondrous powers to other people or object.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

With the arrival of secondary process thinking, at six or seven years old the child begins the age of reason, developing the ability to follow the rules of logic and taking external reality into consideration.

But sometimes, even though we’re grown up, we revert to magical thinking, and this leads us to repeated disappointments in life.
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

Disappointments and Resentment

When we put someone on a pedestal and see them as an icon, the higher they are, the further and faster they tumble once they disappoint us. Too often we feel hurt and even rejected by people we care about because they didn’t, or couldn’t, or wouldn’t be what we need them to be. Sometimes we take it personally.

And sometimes folks overreact. Many of the media outlets actually surprised me by the depth of their venom.

Imagine criticizing someone because they asked for clarification to a muddled, jumbled, disordered, complex question. As a therapist and speaker I always want to be sure of the meaning of a question or statement. It feels unethical to try to guess and not clarify.

Many years ago I decided to get hearing aids as soon as I realized I was sometimes confusing consonants in therapy sessions. (Interestingly my audiologist thinks my hearing loss probably started when I was very young. I remembered an uncle told me several years ago: “You always pretended you couldn’t hear when you were little.” So it seems I've strained to hear since childhood and I recently learned I have  developed an auditory processing problem which often accompanies hearing loss.)

And for 35 years I’ve been coaching therapy and workplace clients on how to check out meaning and request clarification. It’s especially difficult for those of us who grew up in families where the ‘rule’ was to avoid definition and clarification and never ask questions.

Nothing gets us into trouble in our relationships as much as responding when we are unclear about what someone means.

This is how I see 'communication problems':
Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings, anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much relationship space, there is barely room for connection.

How can we have productive conversations with partners, family, friends or business associates when there is no clear understanding of what is being said to each other?

And back to the hearings: Why would committee members and the media rush to judgement just because someone asks for clarification of a poorly stated question? And why did they try to outdo each other in attempting to leave the reputation of this witness in tatters?

Sure beats me. I'd love to hear your ideas on all of this.

More about how to ensure productive communication: Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Last month I blogged about the complexity and confusion about family ‘rules,’ using stories about the Royal Family as a segue into this often troubling topic.

 

I was pointing out how rules get passed down from generation to generation and these generational, cultural and gender differences can lead to relationship problems.

 

I described how the problem areas are usually generational, gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

 

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

Some of you were curious about how these messages might contribute to difficult situations in the workplace, especially around feeling unappreciated, misunderstood and rejected,

 

Serendipitously I received a request for an interview from Ariana Huffington’s new well-being site, Thrive Global.

 

The topic was:  

Bradley Cooper Got Snubbed for Best Director. Here’s What It Can Teach Us About Handling a Letdown at Work.
Being passed over hurts. Here are solid strategies for moving forward.  

 

And a huge influence of how we handle rejection and disappointment in the workplace is based on spoken and unspoken messages that we learned in our family.

Let’s take a look at how these generational family messages influence our interactions.

 

A Jam-Packed Room

 

Has this ever happened to you?

 

You are having a meeting with your manager or co-worker. You open your mouth to say something and someone else’s words come out.

 

The words or tone seem to take on their own powerful energy. What just happened here?

 

Well, first of all, there are not just two people in the room. Each of you has several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers. And every one of them has to have their say, each has to get a word in, or an opinion, or a judgment or advice.

And you may find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and not having a clue where on earth these words came from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

Because each participant’s family is floating around the office, the room can get crowded by all the thoughts and beliefs of each family member wanting to put in his or her two cents’ worth to liven up the discussion or negotiations. Again, all those old messages and influences need to be recognized and identified and booted out to make room for the thoughts and words of the two people involved.

 

The Power of Cultural Influences on Our Workplace Interactions

 

Our families learned their “ways” via cultural influences going back many generations, affecting beliefs and values, comfortable closeness and distance. Our frame of reference is our cultural upbringing.

 

Cultural experiences can create different styles that lead to misunderstandings and taking things personally. For example, families of various ethnic backgrounds may show caring and connection to others by raising their voices, by nagging, through food, by doing favors to curry favor.

 

Let’s look at “culture” as meaning gender attitudes, ethnicity, country, area of the country, and even our city and neighborhood. All of these factors can influence how we think about time and space, our comfort zone, and how we learn to balance closeness and distance. Let’s classify these variations as “style differences” and take a look at how they influence our work environment.

 

Privacy vs. Intrusiveness

 

A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’
I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.
 
For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors. Can you can see how there night be privacy issues her where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?

 

I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.

 

Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.

 

Communication: Definition vs. Vagueness

 

Another difference of style learned in our families has to do with whether conversations are clear and direct or general and vague. Maybe your families style was to encourage defined agreements, with a beginning and end. Or, maybe their style was to be casual, unplanned, noncommittal. Trying to discuss or negotiate with a co-worker or manager with a different communication style from yours can be maddening.

 

Asking Questions: Encouraged or Forbidden?

 

Some of us grew up in a family where curiosity and asking questions was welcomed or discouraged. I hear stories that in some families asking questions was even forbidden.

 

One man I know was afraid to ask his manager to clarify things and pretended he understood how to approach a task or project when he really didn’t. The reason? In his family if he asked a question the response was, “Are you stupid or something?” So at work he was petrified someone would think he was stupid so he avoided clarifying. Instead he was spending enormous amounts of energy trying to figure things out and worrying about how he might screw up.

 

There are lots of stories in Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection about how family messages color our workplace situations including poor communication leading to misunderstandings and taking things personally, the need to appear perfect, struggles about asking for a raise or to be assigned a certain project, or promotion, excessive worrying about an imagined negative outcome, feeling left out of  peer socializing, unrealistic expectations that lead to huge disappointments that feel like rejection.

 

So Where Do These Messages Come From?

 

When we consider the backdrop of early experiences, beliefs, and rules, the meanings and intentions of present interactions become clearer.

 

Situations at your job may replicate your very own growing up experiences. You might have to work with someone who ignores you, or insults and bullies you, or does not treat you fairly. So you may find similar issues coming up at work that you experienced growing up—things such as loyalties and betrayals, secrets, alliances and coalitions, and communication deviances. You may find yourself reacting the way your family “taught” you to react.

 

Where exactly do these generational messages come from? How can you learn to recognize them, especially the subtle ones?

 

I often do a genogram with clients to look for family patterns. In this family diagram it’s helpful to go back three generations, even if names and details aren’t known. This isn’t a diagram of history like a family tree where you look for dates and historical facts; it’s diagram of repetitive patterns and family messages that get passed down from generation to generation. I like to try to go back three generations.

 

 

 

 

Because of my interest in how fear of rejection affects personal and work relationships, I tend to look for patterns of acceptance or rejection messages that might have been passed down. This includes the unavailability of parents due to work priorities or substance use or separation/divorce. It includes family “scripts” such as good/ bad, success/failure. Other messages passed down are personal safety issues, trust issues, guilt feelings and anger. It includes the necessity of leaving their county because their life depended on it or being forced coerced to leave.  

And then we can look for various patterns of abandonment, such as chronic illness or early deaths or sudden moves by parents.  

When we did a genogram, one man discovered a pattern of disownings that took different forms throughout the generations. He’d had no idea such occurrences happened in his family. No wonder her felt so unappreciated and unsupported at work.

What Can We Do About This?

–– Work toward developing clear respectful communication, avoiding misunderstandings. Yes, even though I know it can be difficult, I encourage and coach my therapy and workplace consulting clients to practice asking questions to make sure they are clear about someone’s meaning.

These four questions help to achieve clarity if meaning is unclear to you:
 “This is what I heard you say ____________________.
 Is it what you said?
 Is it what you meant?”

(The person you are checking out meaning with gets 3 opportunities to clarify!)

–– Try to respect differences rather then feel threatened by them.

––  If a meeting or discussion starts to feel weird or overwhelming, take a “time out” to collect your thoughts.  Excuse yourself, saying, “I’ll be back in a moment.”  Go down the hall, get a drink of water, take several deep breaths, and regain your composure and balance.

Counting to ten helps a lot. And taking ten slow deep breaths along with the count helps even more.  Ten long seconds does a lot toward taking the charge off.

––  Separate the “then’ from the ‘now.” Try to remember to remind yourself that the person in the room with you is not really your Dad or Aunt Sally or Uncle Sam or your brother or sister or teacher or coach.

–– Try to keep one foot out of the quicksand. Stay in the present instead of letting the past swallow you up.

––  By “walking alongside yourself”and mindfully noticing you can be more objective about yourself and the situation.  And ‘mindful’ means without judgement.

Notice your patterns of behavior and what they lead to. Notice the response of others to you.

––  Ask yourself ”Do I want to continue down the same path or do I want to go back to the fork in the road and try out a different road to my goals.”

Changing behavior is pretty hard to do unless you can identify what the behavior is. By “walking alongside yourself” you are objectively noticing, and you can “make a choice to make a change.”
 
You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?”

Let me know if/how I can be helpful to you in this process.

 

Would love to  hear your thoughts and ideas . . .

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

What If the Royals Were Your In-laws – Don’t Let Quirky Family Traditions Intimidate You

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / artursz

Sure I know you’re most likely completely over-saturated by all the gossipy stories on the Royals. And yet, attention to these centuries old Royal ways gives us an opportunity to recognize how family traditions and different styles of doing things can cause confusion and family tension.

And these almost daily media reports give me an a fantastic opportunity to write to write about how these kinds of misunderstandings can easily lead to hurt feelings and taking things personally.

Clients are telling me that they are experiencing some of the same experiences as the Royals. When we get right down to it, different styles of thinking, doing things and behaving seems to be the culprit in so many family misunderstandings.

The problem areas are usually generational or gender or cultural differences regarding:

• maintaining comfortable closeness and distance.
• ways of connecting (some families connect through acts of caring while others connect through anger or nagging!)
• ways of coping with stress.
• allowing empathy and understanding of the experiences of others
• respecting needs for privacy and personal space and boundaries.
• celebrations and gift-giving.

As you can imagine, gift-giving is an especially hot topic - lots more on this below.

The Royals seem to try to avoid holiday problems by wrapping themselves in tradition and protocol, resolutely sticking to the way they’ve done things for centuries.

For example they do not invite in-laws to Christmas dinner – only the Royal family and their spouse and the children. This means the families of spouses are never invited!

This tradition and the ones that follow are described in colorful detail by the Evening Standard. The headline of course dishes on the Meghan Markle angle, yet the descriptions are wonderfully informative. (See link below.)

The Evening Standard says it so well: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever.”

Here are some highlights:

All guests spending the holiday with the Queen and Prince Philip at the Queen's Sandringham Estate are told in what order they are to arrive and exactly at what time.

Instead of opening presents on Christmas Day, the Royal Family exchanges gifts on Christmas Eve in the Red Drawing Room during tea time. The present-giving is presided over by Prince Philip. Cheap and joke gifts are encouraged.

Dinner requires a black tie dress code.

Christmas Day begins with a downstairs “fry-up breakfast” for the male members of the family (for those of us across the pond this includes bacon, fried, poached or scrambled eggs, fried or grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms, fried bread or buttered toast, and sausages.) Most of the women have something lighter brought up to their rooms. 

The family then walks to St. Mary Magdalene church on the grounds of Sandringham Estate at 11am for the Christmas morning service.

After church, the family sits down for Christmas lunch. It sounds like the menu is pretty much the same every year: salad with shrimp or lobster followed by roasted turkey, and side dishes of parsnips, carrots, Brussels sprouts. Dessert is Christmas pudding with brandy butter.

One more important tradition: Royal Family members are traditionally weighed on a pair of antique scales before and after their Christmas dinner dating back to King Edward VII. I can’t help but wonder if there is someone whose job it is to announce each person’s weight out loud!

A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into, but the British Royal Family might be the most eccentric ever!

Respecting Style Differences and Not Feeling Threatened By Them

The Evening Standard’s observation is worth repeating: “A lot of families share eccentric Christmas traditions that can leave new in-laws wondering what they’ve got themselves into,”

Celebrating holidays can be stressful for most of us — we all grew up in different families with different ways of doing things. Some of us may even feel disloyal to our own families if we adopt the ‘ways’ of our partner.

Each family has been influenced by culture, gender, ethnicity, race and nationality. Even by the area of the country and the city and the neighborhood we grew up in.

Each family absorbs rules and roles and attitudes and values and beliefs and expectations and traditions passed down through the generations. Unfortunately too often each person has a “this is how we’ve always done it in my family” stance which translates to “my way is better than your way.”

I often help couples develop respectful strategies for navigating these problems. One way is by coaching young families in creating ways to create their own traditions around Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years and other holidays important to them.

They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents, whether to decorate or not, whether to open presents Christmas Eve or on Christmas morning.

I just heard this story about the first Christmas morning with in-laws. “I came downstairs in my pajamas and robe like I always did with my own family, and my mother-in-law was all dressed up in her heavy makeup, jewelry and high heels!”

The Biggest Problem of All: Gift-giving and Receiving

Holidays and birthdays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something personally. Part of the problem is expecting someone will read your mind and then getting disappointed.

It goes back to being a little kid and having your heart set on that certain doll or fire truck or game. Some of us have never forgotten that sinking feeling when you do’t get it and the sadness of these childhood disappointments.

When any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of hurt that have stockpiled over the years.

And Disappointment Feels Like Rejection

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for or when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present. You know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait, maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hoping for.

And what if you happen to be the gift-giver? Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose. Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? Is their reaction what you were hoping for? What do you tell yourself?

Looking Toward Future Generations

I love working with couples toward:

• creating their own family traditions.

• finding ways to respect family and cultural style differences.

• adopting a partner's "ways" without feeling disloyal to your own family.

• managing gift-giving without hurt feelings.

• making a real attempt to have empathy and understanding for other’s experiences.

Being clear about needs and feelings helps a lot:

• Be clear and defined about knowing your needs and putting them out to your family. No one can read your mind and unrealistic expectations are a setup for disappointment.
• And if something upsets you, be clear about what it is. Too often we act out our feelings by pouting or sulking or freezing out the other person.

I’m hoping this discussion about differences in the personal styles and traditions of families encourages respecting and embracing these differences and not feeling so threatened by them. And I hope this perspective helps to create understanding and good will.

Happy New Year everyone!

Wishing you a year filled with peace, respect — and hope.     

Link:  Evening Standard: Royal Family Christmas traditions: How the Queen, Meghan Markle and the royals will be celebrating this year 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

©lolloj - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Do you find yourself guessing what someone might be meaning by their words or actions . . . or inactions? Do you sometimes assume they are really thinking something critical or invalidating or judgmental? And then do dwell for hours on your assumption, trying to decipher the ‘real meaning?’

 

Lately I’ve been hearing lots of stories from clients about serious misunderstandings in their personal or workplace communications. They find themselves trying to guess what someone means when words or behaviors are unclear and confusing. Many aren’t sure how to respectfully check something out, so they don't try. Then they contact me for help in skills for clarifying communication.

 

Over the last 20 years I’ve been terming this guesswork 'filling-in-the-blanks' and I’ve watched hundreds of faces light up in recognition. Yes, lots of us assume meaning. Yes, we belatedly realize we're often mistaken in our assumptions and it can seriously muck up our relationships.

 

Clients report how they misread the intent, take something personally, over-react and complicate the relationship. And it happens in every kind of relationship: with partners and family and friends and in the workplace.

 

When I ask couples or consulting clients on my intake form about “Why did you come into counseling now,” it’s no surprise that the most frequent answer is “communication problems.” And with further exploration it turns out there are way too many assumptions made. Way too much 'Filling in the blanks!'

 

 

The Prism Of Our Misconceptions

 

We tend to see things through the prism of our misconceptions. Our interpretations pass through a filter containing our private storehouse of experiences accumulated since childhood. These early traumatic experiences color our beliefs about our world, the safety

of our world and the people in it.

 

When these experiences are positive we learn to trust intentions of others. If they happen

to be hurtful, rejecting experiences, however, we learn to be wary, protecting ourselves from further hurt.

 

If a painful experience gets triggered, we might find ourselves in the middle of a Fight, Flight or Freeze response.

 

From my 9/30/14 blog post:

 

“Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives . . . . the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions . . . . When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,”

 

(More on Fight, Flight or Freeze Responses)

 

 

‘Filling in the Blanks’ Is a Setup for Feeling Rejected

 

Here's a story I often hear from therapy and consultation clients. It has many variations but basically goes like this:

 

You are walking down the hall or into a conference room. You pass a senior management colleague and you say a big ’hello.” Nothing. No response.

 

What do you tell yourself? Do you find yourself going through your emotional checklist?

 

- “Do they not like me?”

- “Did I do a bad job on that last report?”

- “Oh no, I’m going to be fired.”

 

Fired! How quickly your mind goes there. Fascinating isn't it — how quickly we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt and self-blame and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation. And to make matters worse, we tend to ruminate on these possible misconceptions. Maybe for days!

 

                                                          ©Bialasiewicz - Can Stock Photo Inc.

Wouldn’t it be great to find a way to stop this run-away rejection train? Can you validate your feelings that yes, you are hurt by the seeming ‘diss.’’ Then can you take a moment to ask yourself if maybe there’s a chance you might have misread the situation?

Can you try to remind yourself there is a good chance he or she was so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they didn't notice you?

What would it take to decide to check it out and clarify the situation? After all, the most upsetting answer you could hear would most likely be no worse what you are already telling yourself.

OK so let’s talk about the dynamics and discomfort of the fast-moving rejection train; then let’s take a look at some options for getting back on track.

 Feeling Like the Bull's Eye in a Target

 Isn't it amazing . . .

- how easily we make the situation all about us (when it's often more about the other person.)

- how many times we take someone’s comment or action (or inaction!) as a personal affront.              

 

At these times you may be finding yourself in the center of your universe. In that    center position it’s easy to feel like the bull's-eye in a target -— expecting and waiting for the dart's sting.

 

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / firstp  

When you’re feeling like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's easy to take things personally. And it takes a bit of work to visualize getting out of that center place, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective.

 

The Dance Between Taking Things Personally and Rejection

Perceived rejection pops up in literally hundreds of forms, usually involving feeling ‘dissed’ in some way – from feeling disrespected, to feeling ignored or discounted or dismissed, to feeling judged or criticized or blamed and shamed, to feeling abandoned.

•Taking things personally involves feeling disrespected and rejected.

•Taking things personally involves feeling blamed or slighted or personally attacked.

•Taking things personally, involves getting feelings hurt by misinterpreting the meanings of others, seeing the actions of others as a personal affront, believing someone wants to hurt us.

•Taking things personally involves letting our emotions be controlled by what somebody says or does (or what they neglect to say or do.)

It’s easy to understand how experiencing this kind of hurt leads to efforts toward protecting ourselves from more hurt. Often the tendency is to pull back, even to the point of 'disappearing.' One woman describes how she "goes invisible, contracting into a pinpoint, withdrawing from everybody and everything.”

When you're feeling snubbed, ignored, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose you'll react the next time you see that person? Will you avoid their eyes? Will your hurt show on your face or in your body language? Might they interpret your reaction as judgment or disdain? Or will it look like 'attitude' to them?

Or to complicate matters even more, they may sense your withdrawal as a rejection of them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They might try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. They might start thinking something like:

- "Did I just say or do something stupid?"

- "Maybe they don't want to be around me anymore."

- “Maybe I neglected to ask about something important.”

- “Why is s/he pushing me away?”

As a self-protection they might seem to be closed off and protected rather then open and available.

Then, ask yourself how might you react to how you perceive them?

Hopefully things you can talk out feelings before feelings get too hurt. As more time goes by, both participants might build protective walls around themselves, keeping the other out. Maybe each person feels confused and hurt. Can you see how negative reciprocity might begin to develop?

The longer the hurt feelings go on, the harder it is to get back on track. You don't know what to say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship can become strained. You both might start feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum. Or can’t look them in the eyes when you do see them. Then they may start filling in the blanks and telling themselves you are ignoring them.

Feeling ignored feels like disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection and it’s hard not to take it personally.

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment, leaving no space left for connection.

Getting Off that Runaway-Rejection Train

The first step is to remind yourself there might be a misunderstanding about the meaning and intent of the other person, so ask yourself. “Could I be filling in the blanks?”

Next consider ways these confusing behaviors can get addressed, checked out and clarified. There’s so much at stake. What would it take to clear the air? What are your options here?

You can start by taking a deep breath and initiating a conversation about what you thought happened.

You can make an attempt to deal directly with the issue and the person. The idea of 'confronting' is surely scary for most of us. However, think of it as ‘confronting the situation’ which is not the same as confronting the person.’

For example, in our first story: can you take a deep breath, mention that you noticed they didn’t respond to your ‘hello’ and ask an open-ended question like “Is everything OK.”

In a situation that has become strained, you could consider identifying and addressing the awkwardness that has seemed to develop.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same for you? I value our relationship and would like for it to get back on track. Can we talk about how we can make this happen?" At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

                                               ©iqoncept - Can Stock Photo Inc. 

A Quick and Easy Tip for Checking Things Out

 As you probably have guessed, I’ve jumped way to fast into assumptions and presumptions much of my life. Over the last few years I developed a basic 3-step model for checking things out so I’m not ‘filling in the blanks’ so often.

This model can be tailored to lots of situations:

✔1 - “This is what I heard you say ________________”

✔2 - “Is it what you said?”

✔3 - “Is it what you meant?“

In the case of feeling hurt by behavior rather then someone’s words:

✔1 - “This is what I noticed _____________.”

✔2 - “Is it what you think happened as well?’

✔3 - “Is it what you intended?”

This tip is an simple entree to creating essential conversations with someone you care about . . .

 

Do you, too, have stories and experiences with ’filling in the blanks’ to share?

 

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

A Wise Way to Handle Hurtful, Gnarly People

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I blogged about how hurtful and confusing inappropriate personal boundaries can be. You're probably aware how boundary blurring and transgressions can contaminate our relationships.

In that blog I described another form of boundary confusion: when someone projects their own feelings, thoughts, vulnerabilities or fears onto others.

The thing about psychological projection is how we to‘see’ traits or behaviors in others that remind us of ourselves. In fact, we tend to really dislike something about someone that we can’t stand about ourselves. And it’s more than an irritant – sometimes we find ourselves accusing the other person of these behaviors.

I remember years ago, how irritated I’d get with a coworker’s whiney tone of voice whenever she asked a favor. What a shock the day I realized this was the identical tone I disliked about myself,

When we are able to differentiate between ourselves and others, we can identify and respect personal boundaries. This paves the way for showing respect for the other person and in the process, respecting ourselves as well.

Both respect and disrespect are reciprocal. When someone sees respect instead of judgment in our eyes, they most likely will respond ‘right back atcha’ with respect.

Judgments Take Up Energy

I suggest to audiences and workplace and therapy clients that when we feel disappointed and discouraged by others we tend to start judging them or judging ourselves.

It helps to remind ourselves that people have limitations they may not even be aware of. The reason for this reminder is not to excuse their behavior, but to try to understand it enough that we don’t upset ourselves even more by taking their words or actions so personally and feel rejected.

I’m grateful to blog subscriber, Alannah Tomich, for her thoughts on these kinds of limitations and for sending me these views written by Ram Dass:

"When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight,  and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever.

And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn't get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don't get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.



The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying 'You are too this, or I'm too this.' That judgment mind comes in.

And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are."  – Ram Dass 

                                                 

I appreciate having access to these very visual images, keeping these ideas tucked away as a reminder we do have choices in dealing with difficult friends, teachers, lovers, family members, peers or colleagues.

I would add that trees bend this way and that as a way of protecting themselves from the elements. In the same way many of us humans have learned defenses and protections in our early years.

Maybe we, too didn’t get enough light. Or maybe we had to contort ourselves to be what others needed us to be.

Maybe these early protective stances helped us survive hurtful, scary or even dangerous situations. Perhaps now they have lost their usefulness and may instead interfere with our present relationships.

I recently shared this with my keynote audience at California State University, Northridge and the response was incredibly heartwarming. I sure wish someone had revealed this wisdom to me when I was a young adult. It would have colored many of my interactions differently.

I desperately needed some guidance on handling hurt feelings from rejection so I wrote Don’t Take It Personally! the Art of Dealing with Rejection over 20 years ago because no book existed.

Wow! What a thought: to "practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are."

I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts on Ram Dass’ ideas on humans and trees, judgment, acceptance and self-acceptance.

You can email me at [email protected] or post on the blog site in the comments section at the end of the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Are Your Holiday Gatherings Theatre of the Absurd?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious, especially in stressful times.

Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

So here comes Thanksgiving 2017. How can you best stay calm when folks around
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact,
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in knock-down-drag out
battles and hurt feelings?

What works best for me is imagining I’m in the audience watching a Beckett
or Pirandello play – Theatre of the Absurd! These scenes are so surreal, by creating
some distance I find them entertaining in their weirdness.

This helps me keep my humor and a sense
of objectivity and I don’t take things so personally.

Some tips for getting through the Holidays:

•  Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
 using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
 one. It's almost comical.

    - Why not appreciate the humor in the situation, and try to laugh it off.
    - Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom—in control-self. Why would she
      change for the Holidays?”

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Uncle George is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to try to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.’”

Uncle George’s behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Judy’s unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. When she
sees your discomfort she goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she says in a loud whisper.You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

    - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
      slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
      situation.

    - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Judy when she shows even
      the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
      Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Judy’s behavior is a fine example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. Now he's making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

    - Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when you were
      small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

    - Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take it. You
      can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
      while you regain your composure.

    - Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
      effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a another good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

- Excuse yourself at the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be right back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate
about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, reciprocally he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking Time-Outs.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This "time-out" lets you be independent
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: Don’t Take It Personally! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you. People
project their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these
are blind spots and they're not aware of doing it. But it sure feels yuckyl

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Judy.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and sneers,
"You always were too sensitive," remind yourself that she's most likely talking
about her own feelings of being overly sensitive.

In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Judy
always took things so personally!"

This Feeling is Too Hot to Handle

More about projection: Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle.
Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself."

It's like moving your "stuff" into someone else's storage space --
for safekeeping.

Projection is a way of dealing with unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency.

If you want to read more about projection and personal boundaries, the
right side of my blog site has an archive by topic:
www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are usually not really about you. ‘


And here’s some good news: In a recent Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll nearly one-third of all adults will actively avoid political conversations when they see frie nds and family over the Thanksgiving and December holidays….About half said they do not expect to discuss politics at all!
Here is the PDF download of poll results and t he survey questionnaire: http://tmsnrt.rs/2zHx6Pd

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity to tell people we that appreciate them.
For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy, so sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason to express our gratitude.

© Elayne Savage, PhD


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Will Name-calling and Lashing Out Start a War?

By  Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't usually scare easily, but I find worry is replacing concern and fear is replacing worry when North Korean Foreign Minister Ri Yong Ho accused our President  of making "a declaration of war."

According to Reuters “Ri was reacting to our President's Twitter comments that Kim Jong Un and Ri ‘won't be around much longer.’”

And it’s scary how quickly tensions are escalating. Where is the line? When does it get crossed? When do things spin out of control?

Reuters also reports: “Bellicose statements by our President and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in recent weeks have created fears that a miscalculation could lead to action with untold ramifications, particularly since Pyongyang conducted its sixth and most powerful nuclear test . . .”

I recognize the huge risks involved in this kind of behavior. As a psychotherapist and workplace consultant, I explore how these kinds of rejecting messages – confrontational/ threatening statements, taunts, lashing out and name-calling and – can lead to  escalating tensions and taking things personally.

 

Flicking Sand in a Sandbox

In Don’t Take It Personally! I describe how easily behavior can escalate when two tots in a sandbox begin flicking sand at each other:

“It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The picked-on child feels hurt and confused. ‘Why me? What did I do? Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?’”

I can't think of a more apt visual to describe the flinging of taunts between Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un and our President.

I sure would feel more secure if I had a different visual image of these two leaders –– sitting at a negotiating table, showing respect and acting like grownups.

 Can Insults Really Start a War?

History books describe WW I starting when decade-long tensions in Europe over the arms race, political alliances, and a growing sense of nationalism all came to a head when Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria was assassinated in Sarajevo in June 1914 by a Serbian nationalist.

However there's a back story here describing how taunts and insults and taking things personally actually contributed mightily to starting the war.

Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm II is considered by many to have provoked the outbreak of WW I because of his undisciplined rants and bitter criticisms of European leaders, several of whom were his cousins.

 

Here are a few Wikipedia descriptions of Wilhelm from my December 2016 blog:

• bombastic and impetuous, he sometimes made tactless pronouncements on sensitive topics without consulting his ministers

• critics judged Wilhelm to be completely unable to handle the great responsibilities of his position, a ruler too reckless to deal with power

• seen as superficial, hasty, restless, unable to relax, without any deeper level of seriousness or sense of sobriety, for balance and boundaries, or even for reality and real problems

• concerned with asserting his will. Because he was the ruler of the leading Continental power this trait was one of the main causes of the uneasiness prevailing in Europe at the turn-of-the century                                                                                

 

If you are intrigued by Wilhelm’s colorful personality, here’s a link to my blog about him.

Did Taunts, Insults and Taking Things Personally Start WWI?

Is it my imagination or is there an uncanny personality overlay between our President and Kaiser Wilhelm II ?

Just as I’m posting this, I happened to read Bill Moyers perspective-enhancing interview with international relations historian Andrew Bacevich addressing the hurled insults between Kim Jong Un and our President : Can a War of Words Become a World of War?

(What a great title! Sure wish I had thought of it!)

I wonder if Bill Moyers and Andrew Bacevich might be feeling scared too . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

The Back Story:

For months I’ve had a this recurring visual image prancing around my head – Donald Trump standing in his crib in diapers, smearing the walls with poop, making a big mess.

So I asked Barbara Dale, one of my favorite cartoonists, to illustrate my visual idea for this blog. It has been lots of fun collaborating with her . . .

 

I

llustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.

Poop smearing is great fun for toddlers but hugely exasperating for parents cleaning up the mess. Think of the supplies of Lysol, Clorox Wipes and Mr. Clean Erasers they have to stock up on.

To the parents this behavior represents disarray, chaos, impulsiveness, unruliness and willfulness and, yes, parents tend to take it personally.

Child development experts advise poop smearing is pretty normal and may be a way of expressing feelings of frustration and anger and counteracting helplessness and powerlessness. And for sure it gets attention when the parents freak out.

On the positive side this fascination with poop might indicate a readiness for potty training and thankfully by the age of 3 or 4 they outgrow the need to smear.

 

Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction

Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.

Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.

Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magical world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:

“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible …. Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”

Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.

Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.

Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control-non-stop lying.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying

Fraiberg also makes the point that the child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. 

 

Residing in the Center of Your Universe

 As adults we may also find ourselves in the center of our universe, especially when we are taking something personally –– seeing ourselves as the target of slights or personal attacks.

For some, residing in the center of their universe can involve entitlement, specialness, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, a craving for attention and adoration, the inability to empathize, and having a bloated sense of self-worth. Are you recognizing all this as traits being written lately describing narcissism?

Trouble is, for many, being in the center of the universe usually includes having a false sense of self-worth. In fact, they have a need to puff themselves up because under all the self-hype they’re really feeling full of self-doubt and self-rejection with a tendency toward self-destructing by repeated self-sabotage.

When self-esteem is this low it is too humiliating and shameful to admit we made a mistake or were wrong. Instead of taking responsibility for our actions we tend to smear the bad feelings around by blaming others or by projecting our dark thoughts, vulnerabilities and fears onto others.

(Most recently I wrote about psychological projection last month in 'Finger-Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection': "Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.")

Because blaming ourselves is an easy self-rejecting place to go to, it becomes difficult or impossible to take responsibility for our actions.

I’m always reminding my coaching and psychotherapy clients: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself."

 

Saboteurs and Provocateurs

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior and mostly happens when self-doubt creeps in.

The definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper, hurt or undermine a cause.'

History offers this intriguing image of how the word came to be:

You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. During the Industrial Revolution discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it.

The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling.’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.

Just maybe, under all the President’s self-aggrandizement, grandiosity, self-importance and boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and ashamed. Maybe he can’t keep from reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught! Could it be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.

Saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the shit around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?

These behaviors easily promote chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. And by the way this is probably exactly how parents feel each time they walk into their toddler’s room and find the walls smeared with feces.

 

Self-Respect Instead of Self-Reject

Wouldn't it be great if we could become our own best supporter instead of our worst saboteur? Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose not to make messes, and avoid stepping in them?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could give ourselves some self-respect instead of self-reject?

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to have self-respect as a model of behavior from our leader?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Does Air Rage Reflect These Outrageous Times?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Have you noticed the many instances of air rage in the news recently? And just the other day a passenger tried to bite a flight attendant!

Because I tend to see most things through a rejection lens it seems to me this boiling up of rage usually boils down to someone taking something personally.  

Yet these recent incidences of air rage are not limited to airplane behaviors. Air rage seems more like a microcosm of the rage permeating many other venues as well. Raging seems to be all around us.

Rage is an out of control reaction to feeling wronged, slighted, singled out or intruded upon. When someone takes an action that invades our personal space, we feel “dissed” and take it personally.

We know that “dissed” means feeling disrespected. However, there are dozens of “diss” words, all of them translating into perceived rejection.

Consider the painful emotions evoked from feeling disrespected, dismissed, displaced, disregarded, disposable, dishonored or disenfranchised. The list goes on and on.

Air rage is indeed rage. And rage is beyond the experience of anger: where anger reflects something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past.

I define rage as "anger with a history."

Rage is usually connected with our childhood life experiences. An event may be distressing in the present, but when it reminds us of a painful or traumatic experience from the past, it sometimes triggers an out-of-control reaction. One minute we feel like a victim. The next, we become victimizer.

The Metaphor Theory

Actions that trigger overreactions are usually metaphors for situations we feel especially sensitive about.

Maybe it’s a childhood injustice: feeling “cut off,” “squeezed out,” “kept waiting,” “pushed around,” “bumped” or “edged out.”
When a similar experience is recreated in the present, we might become We might become outraged and then enraged.   

By recognizing these metaphors we can better understand how air age happens.

Getting bumped in line by another passenger. Getting jostled or pushed when boarding the plane. Having someone recline their seat into your personal space, Feeling "ignored" when a flight attendant forgets to take your order. Or feeling an attendant’s instructions/commands/demands are unfair and you feel dissed by their ‘attitude’ or tone of voice.

Most recently the practice of overbooking and demanding passengers give up their seats and leave the plane has seemed infuriatingly unjust to many fliers. And what about the recent incident of security being called to escort a family of four out of the plane –– over the placement of a birthday cake!

Consider that the range of emotions and reactions may be a hot button response from childhood experiences.  

Especially when you get pushed or bumped or ignored or talked down to. You may start to fume. Something gets triggered and before you know it you may begin to lose control.

You might get confused and can’t sort out your feelings, and you could begin behaving badly.

Interestingly, you most likely see yourself as usually kind and considerate. How can you be behaving so outrageously? How can this be happening? It seems surreal.

Perhaps this behavior is merely a reflection of the outrageous times we live in. There is a lot of rage out there. Even the “usually nice” ones among us find ourselves crossing the line and losing our patience.

Another point worth considering: some of us tend to have anxiety about flying. And some of us can feel trapped in closed spaces.
This anxiety has to go somewhere. So we might puff ourselves up to feel in control of our situation. The result might be tough talk, power plays  and disruptive behavior.

This is an example of 'acting out' behavior. When we can’t talk it out, we tend to act it out.

Here are a few tips for taming rageful feelings:

• Put the incident in perspective by remembering the “metaphor theory.“ Ask yourself if an early hurtful feeling about an injustice is  being recreated by this incident.

•  Remind yourself: it’s probably more about the other person than it is about you.

•  Check in with yourself often and ask "Am I too invested in making someone 'bad and wrong?'"

•  Don't ‘fill in the blanks’ with your presumptions – try to check things out.

•  Can you put yourself in the other person's shoes? How might they be feeling?

•  Remember: you DO have choices –– though in the heat of the incident, it sometimes feels like you don’t.

•  Even though you find yourself walking down that old path of overreacting, notice and remind yourself you can always back up to   the fork in the road and try out a different path. I call this 'walking along side yourself and observing.'

•  If you are being raged at by someone, try not to bite the bait, don’t engage. A confrontation is only going to be a lose-lose   situation for you. And you might get hurt.

•  Take a breather. Ten slow breaths can work wonders to reduce the stress of the moment.

•  Most importantly, don’t take it personally! Chances are the other person’s inconsiderate behavior or careless mistakes are not     really intentionally directed at you.

You may recall I wrote last month about my own explosive episode at the blood lab. I know that I was overreacting to my childhood experiences of being told countless times, “You’re imagining it.”

As I’ve written many times I believe that there are copious instances of angry, disrespectful, boundary-less behaviors coming out of Washington. Many of us are taking these models as ‘permission’ to act badly. There seems to be a climate of nastiness that is permeating our interactions which is not limited to airplane behaviors. Instances of raging seem to be all around us, and seem to become more  frequent and amped up.

Would love to hear your observations on the air rage situation. What do you think so many people so angry about?

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

I Totally Lost It!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I totally lost it the other day. I yelled at the staff at the blood lab because they didn’t do a test my doctor had ordered. I had to drive back there and have my blood drawn again.

This may not seem like a big deal for most of you, but since I was a little kid I've been known to faint at the sight of blood. As a grown up not so often – but sometimes when having my blood drawn. After my blow up at the reception desk, after the lab tech drew my blood she waved the full red vial a few inches from my face asking me to verify my name on the label.

I know why I overreacted at the front desk because I know what triggers me. The lab staff kept telling me my doctor never ordered that test and that I had just imagined that she did.

The whole interaction seemed surreal to me when that particular test was the primary reason she referred me for blood work and then she added a couple of panels as well.

This is not the first time I’ve reacted so badly when someone tells me I’m imagining hearing or seeing something.

All through my childhood I was told “You’re imagining it, that did not happen.” Whenever I tried to tell my parents someone said or did something that felt wrong it seemed I was accused of lying . . . and I really hate it.

I’ve been blogging lately about how many of us have such strong reactions to situations that feel like gaslighting.

I haven’t behaved this badly in a very long time. In that moment I surely could have used a good dose of my own anger management coaching! I would have been wise to have followed my own tips for calming down.

Anger is a legitimate feeling and honest response, however it does not have to call for disrespectful, out of control behavior.

In my family the ‘rule’ was that either you could swallow your anger and not speak up or have BIG, out of control explosive anger. In other words, it wasn’t OK to be angry but you could act crazy.

This description is from Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:

If you find your thinking is polarized into either/or possibilities, you might want to try to find a third option by visualizing a continuum …  with explosive anger at one end and swallowed anger at the other. Can you picture making a mark somewhere along the continuum? It can be towards either end or towards the middle. Anywhere you want to put it.

If you came from a family where there was either explosive anger or nothing at all, it may take some work to identify another place on the continuum where you can be angry …. When you can visualize the mark, give it a name. Call it “taking a risk and saying something,” or “confronting the situation,” or “making my feelings known.” All it takes is one mark to create an option for yourself. One man who is a house painter describes this process as “choosing a new tint on the color wheel, like a warm white. In fact,” he continues, “once I realize I have options, I no longer feel so trapped or stuck. And when I’m not so frustrated, there’s no need for anger any longer.”

My behavior that day was certainly over the top and I did apologize to the staff for raising my voice.

I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. However there does seem to be something in the air these days regarding flaring tempers and lashing out. Examples are in just about every news cycle –– especially on airplanes and in airports.

I told a couple of friends and colleagues  about my meltdown in the blood lab offices and the response often has been: “ Me too. I’ve been losing my cool. I’m scarily snippy to my family and friends.”

I’m hearing story after story lately from clients, friends, colleagues about their own short tempers.

Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

A note about isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘social contagion’ or ‘parallel process.’)

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by another. We pick up the energy of others and imitate it. One context morphs into another.

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car— right before your eyes.

We can see this in how a president’s attitude, character and temperament can trickle down.

We can see it when this culture of disrespect trickles down to staff, family, business and even global interactions.

There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. I’d love to see the same kind of transmittal and a mirroring of respectful interactions. It would feel a lot safer to me.

What do you think about all this? Do you have observations or your own story?

© Elayne Savage PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Overly Sensitive? Thin Skin? Tips for Protecting Yourself

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I focused on what it feels like to have thin skin and to lash out. I promised a followup blog with a more in depth look at ways we protect ourselves when feeling assaulted, demeaned and vulnerable.

When we feel attacked our automatic defense is to attack back.

Especially when we feel backed into a corner – the claws come out, we tend to lash out, often becoming mean, vindictive and vengeful.

Having thin skin way too often means we are taking something personally.

Puffing Ourselves Up, Bullying or Threatening

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us take a tough stance. Some of us need to puff ourselves up and pile on layers of protection.  

When taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme, a person may engage in what seems like bullying behavior.

It always helps me to remember that underneath their bravado bullies often are feeling scared, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable. Maybe all of that.

So to compensate they they puff themselves up. Problem is, this inflation causes others to feel diminished.

I once heard comedian Robin Williams poignantly describe what it was like to finally get to know his father. The quote went something like this: “It’s like in The Wizard of Oz. Don’t look behind the curtain — behind it is a terribly fragile man.” The billowing smoke was only a smoke screen.

Connected to the need to puff ourselves up is . . .

The Need to Control a Situation

Here’s how I see the need to control: If you are feeling stressed or anxious, you want to stop the anxiety. This usually leads to attempts to control your environment. Unfortunately, people are part of the environment, and they might feel you’re attempting to control them as well.  

Learning to control a situation becomes especially critical for some of us if we  learn in childhood that it’s not a matter of if the insults or mistreatment will come, it’s a matter of when.

This may sound a little strange to you however here’s an  idea to consider. Many of us know how painful it is and how vulnerable we feel to be on the receiving end of boundary-less and out-of-control abusive behavior.  So in order to feel more in control of the situation some of us learn how to do or say things that initiate the actions we are dreading. It’s like, “Let’s just get it over with.”

So by actually provoking the exchange and controlling the timing of it, we can feel like we are in control.  

As a result we may grow up getting very good at picking fights – we may be called “provocateurs,” “shit-kickers,” or “trouble makers.” Do you know folks who do this? Have you have even done some of it yourself on occasion?

“It’s Your Fault”

If we have experienced being blamed and shamed as children, we may become especialy sensitive to this feeling as adults.

To protect ourselves from this unsettling feeling we may turn around and blame others as a defense.

It’s a quick trip going from feeling blamed to blaming. Maybe this, too, is a way of puffing ourself and piling on layers up so we don’t feel so vulnerable.

We may blame others instead of taking responsibility for our part in something. Some of us even have a hard time saying “I’m sorry” which is often what the other person really wants to hear.

I’ve often said: “Taking responsibility for your own actions is not the same as blaming yourself.” And yet, to someone with who is very sensitive, acknowledging your part might feel weak and intolerable.

Finger Pointing and Psychological Projection

Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe and attributing our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.  In some instances we may find ourselves accusing others of our own defective failings.

Here’s how it works:
When thoughts, feelings, needs or fears are too hot to handle and they cause discomfort and anxiety we want to get rid of them. We might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. And so are political opponents. Frequently accusing political enemies of unsavory or unethical behavior can be an indicator that the root of the behavior lies with the accuser.

Most of us have a tendency to try to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these unacceptable thoughts and feelings. So when our anxiety level shoots up a common protection is to deal with it by unconsciously attributing these dark places and vulnerabilities to others.
And we are often not even aware.

Do you recall the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing? When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

If you are curious about the various flavors of projection I’ve blogged often about this over the years. Here are a few links:

Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally and Projection
http://bit.ly/2cImFwh

Donald Trump Leads the Way in Disrespecting Personal Boundaries
http://bit.ly/1sZgb2Y

Blind Spots - Those Unacceptable Parts of of Ourselves
http://bit.ly/2mQSkEM

And still more in the archives index under Projection and Politics

Deflections, Distractions, Denial and Postponem

Other commonly used forms of self-protection are deflections, distractions, denial and postponements.

All of these describe the art of skillfully shifting a topic from one of greater importance to one of relative unimportance.

Connected to deflections is the attempt to delegitimize any source of information not supporting our own ideas or interests. Such people and groups become “losers” and “has-beens” and “failures.”

 Here are Some Tips for Not Taking Things So Personally:

–  It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:
    "This is not about me.
 This is most likely about the other person.
 They are probably talking about     themselves.
 What might     they be saying?“

– Too often a situation in the present reminds us of a negative experience from the past. Can you get some     distance by     reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now.’


– Check things out. Try not to assume intent or ‘fill in the blanks’ with what you imagine the other person     meant.

– You really can’t read someone’s mind nor can you expect them to read yours.

– Try to remember you do have options even when you feel backed into a corner.
    Discover your options by walking alongside yourself and noticing your thoughts and actions.
    Are you taking something personally?
    Are you fuming?
    Overreacting?    

    Do you want to continue  down the same path or would you like to back up to the fork in the road and try     out different     behavior? How would you really like to respond?

I last month's blog I talked about how many of us grew up in families where we were discouraged from asking questions and checking things out.

Here’s a simple way to check things out:
This is what I heard you say ____________.
Is it What you said?
Is it what you meant?

What other defensive protections can you think of? Do you have any stories to tell?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Having ‘Thin Skin’ – Brooding, Blaming, Fuming, Lashing Out

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

How does it feel to be encased in thin skin? Hurt feelings? Overly-sensitive? Taking things personally? Easily triggered? Overreacting to perceived slights?

Does it mean retreating and nursing the hurt? Or becoming sullen? Or vindictive? Or blaming? Or lashing out?

 

The medical term “thin skin” describes skin that becomes thinner as we age —it loses its protective layer of cushioning and becomes fragile.

And yes, thin skin bruises easily . . . just like feelings. It only takes certain actions, words, a look or a tone of voice. Perceived slights just don’t roll off our back easily.

Cringe-worthy Memories

I’m hearing from colleagues, friends and clients about how recent White House behaviors and attitudes are bringing up painful family and school memories of criticism, insults, accusations, taunts, lashing out, easing, blaming, baiting or manipulating.

“Hearing about the discord in the White House, I’m realizing how chaotic and divisive my family life was. Mother would pit my sister and me against each other — driving a wedge between us and keeping us from being a united front against her. Each of us would compete with each other, trying to win her favor. ”

And another reaction:

“My mother would complain about one child to the other turning one against the other. I think her need was to get one of us to side with her and bolster her narcissism. She seemed to have a need to instill guilt in us. Over the years we learned to protect ourselves: One of us stopped speaking to her, and the other went to therapy to drop guilt from our repertoire.”

I know all about thin skin – I’ve lived in it most of my life.

When I was little, if someone looked at me funny I’d cry. I took about everything personally.

If I thought someone was upset with me I’d replay the last few days in my head. I’d pull out my ‘checklist’ of possible “offenses” and go over them in my mind, one at a time. And then once again.

When we were little we were probably hurt by words, looks, or tones of voice – whether they were intended or not. And we carry these cringe-worthy sensitive feelings into our adult years.

 

Enough Already

Finally in my late 30’s I realized how much my over-sensitivity was causing problems at home and at work. I knew I needed to make some changes in how I dealt with the people in my world:

- I decided I wanted to stop these knee-jerk responses when my feelings got hurt.
- I wanted to not revert to childish behavior when I got upset.- I wanted to have my embarrassments just be embarrassments instead of turning into shame.
- I wanted to stop acting like a petulant child, lashing out when I felt unsupported or betrayed.
- I wanted to acknowledge my part in something and not be so quick to blame others.
- I  wanted to stop brooding/fixating/dwelling/stewing/ruminating/agonizing about so many perceived slights. I’d be obsessing about what someone did or said –– or what they neglected to do or say. And go automatically into my painful mental checklist mode. This incessant dwelling and fuming sapped my energy and my productivity and left me depleted.

I especially wanted to better understand my thin-skinned challenges and begin to choose to do things differently.

The opportunity presented itself when I started psychology graduate school in my late 30’s. They strongly encouraged each of us being in therapy as part of the program.

I couldn’t find a therapist who understood my rejection challenges. “Poor Cinderella,” my first therapist would say to me.

There were no ‘self-help’ books out there on rejection or taking things personally. Not one! I realized how badly I needed this book, so I began to write Don’t Take It Personally!

I learned a lot writing this book. My therapy and consultation clients, workshop and book tour audiences have been amazing teachers.

“Nah Nah Nah Nahhh Nah”

Let’s talk about ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.

Some of us puff ourselves up which looks like bullying behavior. To not feel so inadequate, we inflate ourselves by diminishing others.
Sometimes we try to make someone ‘bad and wrong’ Or we give messages of, “If you are not for me, you are against me.”
Sometimes these perceived slights morph into perceived enemies, and we may even become suspicious of others' intentions.
Sometimes we become vindictive or vengeful. Sometimes we rant or throw a tantrum or lash out.
Sometimes we flail out in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves.
Sometimes we accuse others of the same behaviors we have done ourselves. (More about projection in a future blog.)

It’s as if we are putting our thumbs in our ears wiggling our fingers, sticking out our tongue and taunting “nah nah nah nahhh nah."

Two Great Tips

• It helps to put things in perspective by repeating:

"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?“

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past.

Can you create some distance by reminding yourself to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you don't find yourself taking things so personally?

More on what it feels like to have thin skin, how we try to protect ourselves and lots more tips on what to do about it in an upcoming e-letter/blog.

Do you have something to add here or have a story to tell?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Did Taunts, Insults and Taking Things Personally Start WW I?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

My high school history teacher would bellow out in her booming Southern accent: “Save your confederate money folks — the South will rise again!”

Another colorful lesson she taught was on how wars start. I’ll never forget her gusto in describing how a war was started because of insults and taking things personally. Too bad I can't remember the details of that lesson.

Forty years later, when I was writing Don’t Take It Personally! I remembered her vivid descriptions and tried many times to search for additional information. Trouble was, I couldn’t recall for sure which war she was talking about nor which monarch she was referring to.

I kept punching in keywords and hitting a wall. It was frustrating because normally I’m a pretty good online researcher. I began to think I had imagined that entire history lesson.  

And then . . .  the other night on MSNBC’s 'The Last Word' I heard author and journalist Jonathan Alter telling the story of how Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany started WW I.

                                                                                    Kaiser Wilhelm II – official portrait

He and Lawrence O'Donnell were describing how easily 140 character tweets can be misinterpreted –– and even start wars! He told the story of Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany whose taunts, braggadocio, miscommunication and repeated insulting of his cousins contributed to starting WW I.

I recognized the description immediately! Wilhelm was the very same emperor of my teacher’s vivid characterization. The flavor of Jonathan Alter’s description was almost identical to my history teacher’s words. Finally I found the reference I’ve been searching for all these years. I was finally able to retrieve that long-lost memory.

So now I had a name and of course I went right to my computer to research Kaiser Wilhelm II. I learned great stuff about his temperament, impulsiveness and personality quirks.

I am so excited to learn about this historical character I want to share him with you! Here are some summaries and excerpts of the intriguing information I found:

From Wikipedia

• bombastic and impetuous, he sometimes made tactless pronouncements on sensitive topics without consulting his ministers

• due to his emotional outbursts during the course of the London newspaper interview, he ended up further alienating not only the British, but also the French, Russians, and Japanese

• critics judged Wilhelm to be completely unable to handle the great responsibilities of his position, a ruler too reckless to deal with power

• seen as superficial, hasty, restless, unable to relax, without any deeper level of seriousness or sense of sobriety, for balance and boundaries, or even for reality and real problems

• uncontrollable and scarcely capable of learning from experience

• desperate for applause and success—as Bismarck said, he wanted every day to be his birthday—romantic, sentimental and theatrical

• unsure and arrogant, with an immeasurably exaggerated self-confidence and desire to show off, a juvenile cadet, who never took the tone of the officers' mess out of his voice, and brashly wanted to play the part of the supreme warlord

• full of panicky fear of a monotonous life without any diversions, and yet aimless

• pathological in his hatred against his English mother

• not lacking in intelligence but was seen as lacking stability, disguising his deep insecurities by swagger and tough talk, he frequently fell into depressions and hysterics

• his personal instability was reflected in vacillations of policy. His actions, at home as well as abroad, lacked guidance, and therefore often bewildered or infuriated public opinion

• concerned with asserting his will. Because he was the ruler of the leading Continental power this trait was one of the main causes of the uneasiness prevailing in Europe at the turn-of-the-century

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilhelm_II,_German_Emperor

From History.com

• he appointed chancellors who were upper-level civil servants rather than statesmen

• he meddled in German foreign policy on the basis of his emotions, resulting in incoherence and inconsistency in German relations with other nations

• he offended his British cousins in a London newspaper interview, saying, “You English are mad, mad, mad as March hares”

• he was out of touch with the realities of 1914 international politics, counting on his blood relationships to European monarchs to manage the crisis that followed the assassination of Austrian archduke Franz Ferdinand

http://www.history.com/topics/world-war-i/kaiser-wilhelm-ii

Can Insults Really Start a War?

History books describe the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife in Sarajevo as the catalyst for the start of WWI. In fact, there had been decade long tensions in Europe concerning the arms race, political alliances and a growing sense of nationalism. The war began in 1914 and lasted 4 years with 10 million military deaths.

However, there is a back story here. Wilhelm II is considered by many to be a major contributor to the outbreak of WW I because of his undisciplined rants and bitter criticisms of European leaders.

Again it appears we are faced with this question: Can taunts, insults, overreactions and taking things personally actually start a war?

Sure can and did:

From Alphahistory.com

• there is a consensus that Wilhelm II’s brash, ambitious and aggressive leadership was a critical factor

• his imperialistic and nationalistic agenda in the late 1800s and early1900s fueled pre-war diplomatic tensions, while his careless advice to Austria-Hungary during the July Crisis of 1914 was a major factor in the outbreak of war

• he was stubborn, arrogant, moody and prone to frightening outbursts and tantrums

• unwilling to impose limits on his own power, his strong-willed and impatient personality was desperately unsuited to matters of diplomacy and foreign policy. Several of his outspoken comments and misjudgments fueled European tensions in the decade prior to World War I

• his remarks were full of gaffes and undisciplined rants, including bitter criticisms of the English government and other European leaders

• his aunt, Queen Victoria told one of her ministers that Wilhelm was a “hot-headed, conceited and wrong-headed young man”

• the public saw him as an out-of-control, power-drunk madman who was desperate for confrontation and war

http://alphahistory.com/worldwar1/kaiser-wilhelm-ii/

 

 

When Wilhelm lost the support of the German army he abdicated his throne and fled to the Netherlands in exile.

So now I finally understand what my history teacher was describing with so much gusto those many years ago.
Thanks, Jonathan Alter for giving me the reference I’ve been searching for all this time!

........................

I really love this story and wanted to share it with you. Do you have comments or theories? Would love to hear what you have to say... While researching this story I was totally blown away by so many similarities between Wilhelm and Donald J.Trump. Do you notice them too?

You can email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of this blog.

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Healing and Hope – Coming Together as Community

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 
During Thanksgiving dinner with friends, many at the table gave thanks for being able to come together as community.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we heal by coming together.

I wrote a piece after the election about the healing power of community and the pro-active spirit the spontaneous marching brought.

Two weeks later I wrote a tribute to my almost 23 year old cat, Elizabeth, who died two days before Thanksgiving. The community responses from my Facebook post have meant a lot and are doing so much to help me heal.

I’m including versions of both pieces in case there is something useful for you here. If there is, let me know.

Most of us would agree there is a need for healing in our country. There is fear and uncertainty and insecurity . . . and depression.
Issues we personally or socially care bout are in danger, Many who craved and voted for change in government are beginning to worry their health care and retirement benefits could be tampered with or even wiped out.

Are you, too, needing healing? Have you found a way to connect with others in your community who could use a little comforting as well?

I’d love to hear how you are taking care of yourself.
                                . . . . . .

On the Road to Healing: Overcoming Disappointment, Anger and Resentment

As you are aware, following the election tens of thousands of marchers across  the country came together. gave me hope.

I found it fascinating that many of these marchers are high school and college students. Many saying their confidence in a democracy that values human rights is eroding.

Marchers say they are speaking out because they feel discounted. Not heard. Invisible.

Hopelessness and Helplessness

My therapy clients of all ages are struggling with uncomfortable feelings coming to the surface. They are apprehensive and fearful – expressing hopelessness and helplessness about the unpredictability of what’s to come.  

These feelings are well-known symptoms of depression.

As a psychotherapist I know that feeling anger can be a healthy way to combat the ‘freeze-frame’ and listlessness of depression that interferes with work and relationships.

I know being proactive counteracts powerlessness. So I work with clients to strategize how to move forward – how to feel empowered by taking one step at a time.

The key is Action. Movement. Activity.

When a client is depressed I try to schedule morning sessions, which gets them up and out of bed and to my office.

We put words to the worries and fears. We discover ways they can be more present and aware of the world around them. Taking walks and ‘breathing in the colors’ works really well.

Whether or not you support the post-election marching, these marchers intuitively knew how to take care of themselves. By marching and chanting they could reclaim their voices. By taking action they didn’t feel so disappointed  or fearful or helpless and hopeless. By marching they could feel more empowered.

Disappointment Can Feel Like Rejection
 
Most of us have experienced disappointment in our lives and we may have been surprised and confused by the intensity of our feelings.

For many of us disappointment feels like rejection. We may even take it personally – feeling hurt, unsupported, or that it’s “just not fair.”

Where do these  feelings come from? Sometimes they actually begin in our early years.

Do you remember when you were little and had your heart set on that shiny red fire truck or new puppy or that curly-haired doll?
Do you remember how disappointed and hurt you were when you didn’t get it?

Were there times you weren’t chosen for the team, or you didn’t get that award you had your heart set on? Or you didn’t get asked to the prom?

How hurt were you?  My own hurt was connected to feeling not seen or heard or appreciated.

I’ve learned that unexpected disappointments remind me of the times in my childhood when I watched my hopes fizzle. I’m now aware how these little kid feelings get tangled up in my big person responses. I’m watching this happen as as I hear announcements of cabinet appointments and apparent congressional plans to  erode some  of the basic human rights I care deeply about.

Disappointments tend to stockpile. Each new disappointment echoes the last. When we encounter a new disappointment, our past past experiences may ignite and feelings of rejection can take over.

For some of us not feeling heard or seen can feel like a rejection of our very being. If  we push these feelings down they might even grow into anger and resentment.

Resentment Can Be Toxic

Resentment takes up enormous space and restricts our ability to connect with others. If we dwell on perceived injustices it affects our ability to be productive. Resentment is a great immobilizer.

One of the best ways to curtail resentment is to create space to voice feelings
and hopes.

Coming Together as Community

The post-election wave of pro-active activity allowed folks to find their voice and speak their feelings in a validating atmosphere. They are finding ways to talk together in living rooms, public places, and social media, I’m even hearing stories about Uber passengers and their drivers offering each other consolation and hope.

Amidst all that hopelessness, hope is alive. The marchers decision to raise their voices and be heard requires hope. There is hope in their determination to be engaged in our future. There is healing and hope in coming together as community.
I find this reassuring amid all the uncertainty. 
                                  . . . . . .

Goodbye Sweet Elizabeth . . .

Almost 23 years old! And not ready to let go – until now.

You have been such a sweet and loving girl. I am very grateful for you and for all you have taught me these 18 years you have been with me.

You have been admired by many. When somehow you left the house for the first time a couple of weeks ago and wandered down to the street, someone thought you were lost and drove you to the animal emergency hospital. The staff told me a nurse there was hoping no one would claim you so she could take you home with her! You certainly had quite an adventure on your very first sleepover, and clearly you got lots and lots of attention there. But when I located you the next day, you just threw your arms around my neck.

You have won over many hearts in your almost 23 years . . .

I remember the first time I met you. I noticed your bright blue eyes right away.
I loved how you came to your cage door, gave your squeaky little meow and touched my fingers with your nose. Like you were saying, “Take me home!” And of course I did . . .

I know you finally tired of all the pill taking and hydration infusions. It was hard for me watching you not eating for days and days at a time, even thought the Reiki energy sessions helped.

I decided to post this photo of you getting your blood pressure checked last month -– with the smallest cuff ever!

I know it hasn't been easy becoming deaf and mostly blind. I so respect your spunk! And your dignity and your perseverance. You have been quite a model of graceful aging. I'm grateful for you. And I’ll really miss you.

Goodbye sweet Elizabeth . . .


© Elayne Savage, PHD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

My Mortifying Personal Experience with “Just Locker Room Talk”

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

A few years ago someone I did not personally know posted an outrageous sexual accusation about me to 34 members of his fraternity alumni email list. The 'event' supposedly took place five decades ago!

I was mortified.

 

 

It has been six years since this degrading experience and even though it has been an unsettling memory, this is the first time I have summoned up enough to write about it.

Why now? the President's “Just Locker Room Talk” excuse brought up memories of the excuse given to the fraternity email list: "an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor.“ 

Really? Yes – the good ole 'boys will be boys' justification!

This poisonous post was in response to the blog I published describing my joyful return to the University of Alabama to speak at the memorial honoring a college mentor. My brother enthusiastically shared my Alabama experience with the fraternity email list. The responses were wonderfully appreciative and supportive. Except for this one.

First he sent a private email to my brother making the decades old accusation about me. Then 10 minutes later, he decided to share his clever humor with the whole list. But this time he embellished it, adding more lurid details.

He described sexual behavior supposedly involving me and happening five decades ago! (And he thought it would be a nice touch to add, “she should change the name of the news letter to 'tits from the queen of rejection.')

This was crazy making. Surreal. What he was describing when I was a Senior and he was a Freshman never happened. I only knew him in passing and I had never been to the supposed fraternity house location.

His actions reminded me of the high school boys ‘crowing contests’ I used to hear about. Surely not what you’d expect from a grown man.

Locker Room Humor Gone Bad

Many of his fraternity brothers responded they were appalled and shocked at his despicable behavior and the degree of misogyny.

When he finally apologized to the group and he excused his actions as “an attempt gone bad of aggressive locker room humor.“ He never really admitted he fabricated the story.

I think his only sorrow was about being called out on his sick sense of humor and embarrassed to be chastised by peers. Some fraternity brothers wrote that he was portraying himself as a victim!

Two months later, only after learning he was going to be sued for defamation, he sent an email to the alumni list saying “the event I made reference to never occurred.” He never admitted he lied.

Being the brunt of his sick locker room humor was incredible demeaning. I knew many people on that email list. Several of them were brothers of my college friends. As you can imagine, this was excruciatingly humiliating for me.

To make things worse, it triggered early memories of other inappropriately sexualizing events in my early life.

I was feeling pretty good about my decision to bring a defamation lawsuit against him. I had good support from my brother, friends and some of the alumni on that email list.

I flew to Alabama for the deposition. It was pretty awful. The worst part was when the writer of the emails walked in and sat down across the table from me. I had to endure him staring at me. It was creepy and intimidating, but I guess that was the intention.

The positive side of him being in the room was that he had to sit there while I repeated how several upset fraternity brothers described him as "a vicious, delusional lie," “misogynistic," "woman-hating," "vile," "mean-spirited," and "malicious."

I had to endure his attorney haranguing me. It helped a lot when I noticed the “tell.” I quickly discovered whenever she set out to bait me, the corner of her mouth would start to twitch! I could see the baits coming. Each time I refused to bite the bait, she overreacted, snarling at me.

For the full four hours I felt baited and bullied by her. But I guess that was the intention.

Sleight of Hand; Now You See It, Now You Don’t

Interestingly, when I finally got to read the deposition transcript, one of her lengthy and  exceptionally bullying harangues was missing! I wonder how that could have happened.

That’s not all that was missing. A few days before the scheduled pretrial meeting with the judge, I discovered there were four deposition pages missing from the judge’s packet.

Curiously these four pages described how these false accusations triggered anxiety related to early memories of inappropriate sexual comments and behavior by others when I was a child. My doctors diagnosed my present anxiety as PTSD.

Interestingly, this is the same testimony the defendant’s attorney was trying to have deemed irrelevant and inadmissible.

Very slick slight of hand. She solved that problem by not including it in the judge’s packet. Then it was no longer a problem for her.

Once I realized these four pages had been removed from the packet, I decided there was just too much slimyness here for me to proceed with a trial.

Even though my attorney assured me there was no question about his guilt in defaming me,I realized I may possibly be facing an all-male southern jury. Not to mention again facing an attorney who shamelessly harassed and bullied me during the deposition. How might she try to humiliate me in court?

I was so done with it. And what a relief to not have to come face-to-face again with her twitchy little mouth!

Perhaps the best outcome was the news that when his corporate employer found out he was using the company’s computer system he was immediately dismissed.

The saddest part for me was how his warped attempt at locker room humor has the effect of contaminating my feelings for the University. It has corrupted future dealings with long-time friends in what should be life-long college relationships.

I am still affected this way by what happened 6 years ago.

On a positive note, even with my many years working with clients experiencing PTSD, I have now personally become even more aware of how easily it can be triggered. In this case all it took was a juvenile attempt at locker room humor.

Whenever you find yourself getting triggered here are some ideas to help you stay centered:

- Recognize that there may be early experiences that are contributing to you becoming upset.
- Do you know what these early messages might be?
- Try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now.
- Remind yourself that certain childhood beliefs may no longer carry the same power.
- Walk alongside yourself. Notice as much as you can. Observing gets the flow
  going and opens up space for making choices.
- Keep reminding yourself that you do have choices.
- Remember that allowing vulnerability is a strength. It’s very different from feeling vulnerable.
- Remind yourself if you’re uncomfortable in a situation, you can leave — taking a time-out is just fine.
- Be compassionate and kind to yourself
- Congratulate yourself for your strength and resilience.
- Ask yourself, “What’s different this time? How is this different?
- The phrase I pass along to psychotherapy and workplace clients is “Try Self-respect instead of Self-reject.”

Maybe this Self Care Wheel will be helpful to you . . .

 

You can most likely see how the recent demeaning "just locker room talk" quote has had quite an effect on me – re-triggering the humiliation I experienced six years ago.

Writing about my experience of being sexually harassed by a clueles misogynist is the best way I know to empower and take good care of myself!

Here’s the original post of my joyous experience of returning to the University of Alabama. He just couldn’t refrain from reacting to my blog post with sick locker room humor:

Traveling Back in Time - From Self-Rejection to Self-Acceptance

http://bit.ly/WZtL0S

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Have you noticed how recent news accounts are jam-packed with references to taking things personally?

"Name-calling”


“Personal attacks”


“Slights”   

"Unfairness“

"Insults”


“Put"-downs”

“Affronts”


“Slurs”


“Cheap shots”


“Accusations"


“Getting personal“

Even media pundits are scratching their heads trying to figure out why there is so much intensity, combativeness and over-reactions in this election cycle.

With my 25 years experience as the go-to person on rejection and taking things personally, I often see things through the prism of hurt feelings. Hopefully I can help put some of these finger-pointing behaviors and overreactions into perspective.

The above list of perceived slights described by the media are descriptions straight out of my books, articles and workshops.

I hear these words every day from clients who are about to lose their jobs because they tend to take things personally – and overreact with angry, erratic outbursts, mean-spirited behavior and even retaliation.

Employers call me in when productivity is affected by all the time and energy spent dwelling on perceived slights on what someone said or did or neglected to say or do.

Taking things personally is a major motivator in couple’s counseling as well – when hurt feelings and misunderstandings lead to expanding resentment – leaving very little space for connection.  

For sure, perceived rejection and taking things personally cause problems in both work and personal relationships . . . and as we see from the news, certainly in political campaigning!

Feeling Like the Bulls-eye on a Dart Board

Taking things personally includes taking the actions of others as a personal affront; believing there is intent to hurt us even when there is not; getting upset when other people don't see things our way; believing others are taking sides for or against us; feeling blamed or blaming ourselves; feeling slighted, or wronged or attacked.  

One of my favorite bumper stickers is:


If you think about it, the times we are most prone to taking something personally are the times we are feeling attacked by someone’s rejecting comments, looks or actions. It’s as if we are in the center of our universe. Much like the bulls-eye on a dart board – we feel like a target.

Most of us have moments here and there of living in the center of our universe. These are usually times we feel hurt or blamed or victimized in some way.

Some folks, however, too often find themselves in the center of their universe, usually involving a need for attention or are feeling hurt or singled out. Sometimes it is because they feel entitled to special treatment for some reason.

The Diss List

Taking things personally is usually related to feeling rejected and disrespected in some way. Dissing takes lots of forms. I put together a  “Diss List”.


Some of us are more sensitive to slights than others, and perceived slights just don’t roll off our backs easily.

Sometimes we can recognize how we react or overreact to these hurtful feelings. And we see how we fret about these injustices. Maybe we even fantasize about retaliating and sometimes we do.

I know how much energy it takes to take things so personally. I’ve been overly-sensitive most of my life.

When I was a child if someone looked at me ‘funny’ I’d get my feelings hurt and burst into tears. Seems like I was usually feeling rejected . . . or expecting to be rejected. I sure could have used a book on how not to take things so personally but  it did not exist. So I decided to write Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection.’  And I certainly had a large stash of personal stories to add to the narrative!

“I’m Rubber, You’re Glue . . .”

One of the most important life lessons I’ve ever learned is reminding myself when someone says or does something it is probably more about the other person than about me. It’s all too easy for people to accuse others of their own inadequacies.

As a child did you ever chant “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you throw at me sticks right back on you!

And what about that all-time favorite “Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.”  

Sure wish back then I knew how important those lines were. Might have saved me lots of hurt feelings and heartache from taking things so personally.

What a lifesaver when I discovered that such a thing as projection exists, and that seemingly hurtful accusations may not really be about me!

Finger-pointing – “Right Back Atcha”

Psychological projection is a form of being in the center of our universe. Projection is when we attribute our own dark places, vulnerabilities and fears to others.

When you find yourself with unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common protection is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts to others.

When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. We might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. And so are political opponents.

Because projection is so prevalent along the campaign trail, I’ve blogged about it the last few presidential election cycles. Mostly political projection comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other.

You know the litany: accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, bigotry and racism. Accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis, who is most beholden to the banking industry, who is withholding email or tax information, and who has the most unrealistic immigration ideas. In my memory, this election cycle is a first for accusations about who is the most physically and emotionally impaired!

And of course there are accusations about the accusations, bringing on defensive and often vile  retaliations.  Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? And the media  feeds on it, having a field day!

Many of my clients are telling me how upset they are by the mass of insinuations and projections in this election.. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives.

Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself.

It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

Do you recall the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing? When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right

It helps to put things in perspective if you can repeat this to yourself:

"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

We let it get to us when a situation in the present reminds us of something from the past. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something) and before we know it, we get triggered and overreact.

The trick is to try to gain some distance from the sting of the dart. and try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now,’ and to repeat and repeat: “This is not about me!’”

More on taking things personally and psychological projection:

Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
http://www.bit.ly/2bE2jTH

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?
http://www.bit.ly/1GH3ZDB

Until next month,   

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Dixie Chicks Concert Cincinnati World Tour Kickoff June 2016

Perhaps it was Ben Carson conjuring up Lucifer during his RNC comments, but listening to Donald J. Trump’s acceptance speech I found myself jumping to images of the “Prince of Darkness.” As I watched, Lucifer became superimposed on the face of Donald Trump, much like the Dixie Chicks cartoon backdrop. Hey, maybe Dr. Carson also was thinking of the same Lucifer image!

Well, it turns out my imagery about all that darkness was also reflected by the media describing the President-elect’s 80-minute speech as “strikingly dark,”  “painting America as a dark and desperate place.”

To my ears, it wasn’t just dark. It also seemed like a selling-your-soul kind of thing.

Not sure, however, exactly whose soul is on the market.

Is it the collective soul of we, the voters? What contract would we be signing? What deal would we be making?

Or is candidate Trump using smoke and mirrors to sell his own soul in order to become president of the United States?

Might this be a new chapter on negotiating and persuasion to be added to The Art of the Deal?

Does his advice on strategies include making grandiose promises with few or no specifics? Someone must have told him these promises cannot be constitutionally, legally, ethically or morally carried out –– yet he continues to make them.  

Smoke and Mirrors

I’m a big fan of definition and specifics. As a couples and workplace coach and communication consultant how can I help clients overcome their roadblocks unless I know I’m crystal clear on how they perceive their situation.

Because generalities don’t work here, my questions sound something like “and what does that mean?” Or “can you give me an example?”

The difficulty with generalizations of the Donald J. Trump variety was brilliantly summed up in a letter to therapists from The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA:

   Here is one of Donald Trump’s classic plans to make America great again.

    “We’ll make things. The best things. The things we make will be the best.”

    If you used this kind of glittering generality to create a treatment plan for a
    distressed couple, it might sound like this,

    “We will make a plan. The best plan. The plans we make will be the best.
    This couple will be great again.”

     We doubt the loosest of gatekeepers for insurance companies would accept
     that kind of blather as a viable treatment plan for a struggling couple.

This was sent as a cover letter for family therapist and researcher William Doherty’s ‘Therapist Manifesto’ detailing concerns of the psychological community.

This manifesto was written and signed before the 2016 election by over 2300 mental health professionals. It's worth a read.

(Update: Seems the actual Manifesto is no longer on the web. However here are some media pieces describing the movement:)

https://www.mindingtherapy.com/manifesto-against-trumpism/

https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/10/donald-trump-2016-therapists-214333/

https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1043/clinicians-digest

 

Is Building Walls a Substitute for Lack of Personal Boundaries?

I keep wondering why this candidate, who seems to have extremely confused and inappropriate personal boundaries, talks incessantly about building walls along our Mexican border. Could this imagined "biggest," "strongest" wall be a substitute for his own lack of personal boundaries?

“I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won’t be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they’re over the wall, it costs us trillions. And I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall. Because Mexico is screwing us so badly. “

Fox and other media outlets quoted the Associated Press in summing up the speech: “The more than hour-long speech was strikingly dark for a celebratory event and almost entirely lacking in specific policy details. Trump shouted throughout as he read off a teleprompter, showing few flashes of humor or even a smile.”

“I Alone Can Fix It”

Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning “Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”

And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"

Moyers continues:  This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.” Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.

"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons

Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.

 ‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. 

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?

As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

http://bit.ly/13kMU6n
http://bit.ly/1MBDJQZ

Cult Culture

To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s.  

As a child protective services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced by Jones to take part in a mass murder/suicide.

I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman, who had been a client, begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. In mid-sentence her call was disconnected. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment. I'll never forget her name -she was listed as one who died at Jonestown.

I was especially curious about the appeal of cults and characteristics of the charismatic cult leaders.

What kind of pied piper power did Jim Jones hold that they left everything and followed him to a promised utopia?

Merriam-Webster describes this pied-piper-kind-of-lure as enticing, promising and charismatic.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pied piper



“If you just come along, all will be fine, and everyone will live happily ever after in these promised utopias,” is how cult and brainwashing expert Margaret Singer characterized the lure of cults.  

http://factnet.org/cults-our-midst

Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.
“The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”

http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture

50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities) lists 50 characteristics of cult leaders.

Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish.

– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to insure that he or she is being noticed by arriving       late, using exotic clothing, overdramatic speech, or by making theatrical entrances.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– When criticized he tends to lash out not just with anger but with rage.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.    
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 characteristics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

It's quite amazing how many of these have to do with reactions to perceived rejection and taking things personally. How many can you find?

So Now Let’s Explore the Goings on at The DNC

This brings us to the Democratic National Convention in Philly this week.

Do you see any similarities between the speakers/atmosphere?
Do you notice any important differences?

Let’s see how many of Navarro’s 50 characteristics show up in the DNC’s cast of characters during the week.

How many of the 50 do you recognize? Would love to hear the results of your scoring on these 50 characteristics . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Holiday Recovery Editon

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Some of us may be recovering from too much eating or drinking and subsequent weigh-in shock. From what I’m hearing from therapy and consulting clients and colleagues, many of us are also recovering from the after-holiday letdown and a
variety of big and small disappointments.

Is This All There Is?

I totally missed Chanukah this year. It came and went so early. And Christmas and Kwanzaa flew by as well. And now the New Year has arrived –I'm still not at all sure where the old one went.

You know how it goes: after all the holiday hype the blahs creep up and start to take over, pushing out whatever good feelings might have existed. You may find yourself right in the middle of an after the holidays letdown.


And this time of year I’m aware of how my unrealistic expectations result in a downward disappointment spiral.  

I'm reminded of how my long-time struggle with dreaded rejection is really about my sensitivity to disappointments  

The Holidays offer great practice in dealing with the kind of disappointments
that feel like rejections. Examples are all around us.

When you feel disappointed you may give yourself all kinds of explanations:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"My mother's comment is so incredibly mean-spirited,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."

Can you see  how these are perceived messages of rejection can turn into self-rejection, feeling bad about yourself?

So let’s try to understand the source of this yearly letdown. I'm thinking if we understand it, we can do something about it.

The Culprits: Adrenaline Highs and Disappointment Lows

Let ’s start with the 'Adrenaline High' . . .

I remind myself of the emotional/physiological stress component - the rush of adrenaline.

There are, of course, the multitude of stressful situations we are exposed to daily. For example our time/money/relationship/
parenting/work pressures, not to mention the onslaught of disasters in the news.  Now add to this the craziness of preparing
for the Holidays.

To get through it all, our body calls upon stress hormones - adrenaline and cortisol.

This rush of adrenaline feels good for a while. We're on a "high" from this over exposure to the stress hormones.

But what happens once the excitement of the Holidays are over? The stress hormones in our system decrease because they are no longer needed. The over-exposure to the adrenaline and cortisol causes a 'letdown.' We get the after-Holiday-Blahs.

Aside from the crash after the adrenaline 'high,' let's look at other reasons for the 'letdown.'

For some of us, after-holiday letdown happens when inflated anticipations and expectations come crashing down. They end up in
a heap of disappointments and hurt feelings.

And regarding stressors, two of the biggest Holiday stressors are family get-togethers and gift-giving, both resulting in a heap
of disappointments and hurt feelings if our expectations are unrealistic.

Here are some snapshots of how it happens, how we react and some tips for dealing with it.

The Holiday Hype

You know how early those 'persuasive' ads start appearing. The purpose, of course, is to get you  ready for Great Holiday
Expectations.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the ads. We are expecting a picture-perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner with our family.

But it doesn't happen. Somebody does or says something that ruins it for you. Your TV commercial picture perfect vision quickly turns into one of Edvard Munch's Anxiety paintings. 'The Scream' comes to mind.

As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - not just the Holidays.

Here are some tips for handling family get-togethers . . .

OK, now on to another big source of Holiday disappointment -–– gift-giving.

Gift-giving Dilemmas and Tips

Truth be told, gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you  don't get what you hoped for.  And you try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

Read more about gift-giving dilemmas and tips . . .

 

And adding a little good humor . . .

Wishing each of you a peaceful and rejuvenating New Year!
Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Thanksgiving Tips - Handling Your Asinine Uncle (and Other Turkeys)

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Thanksgiving is traditionally a time for thoughts of gratitude and appreciation.

Yet, for some of us, Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of the Season of Stress.    

This year maybe more so, with world-wide terrorist attacks creating a sense of vulnerability.     

And our fear seems to make us more polarized than ever. Will this increased polarization have an effect on Thanksgiving gatherings?

 Politicized, Immobilized and Polarized

World-wide safety concerns are important to acknowledge. And when we’re being inundated with fear it often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. We feel afraid and vulnerable.

Where is the line between being realistic about the present world situation and excessively fueling fears?

It seems to me that much of the fueling and polarization comes from the media, politicians and presidential candidates issuing inflamed warnings and spreading fear in response to the recent terrorist attacks.

I just refreshed my understanding of various meanings of word ‘terror.’ One definition is: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country,

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. I know this is caused by the release of stress hormones, and I’m also aware that adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine can cause increased anxiety and depression.

What a vicious cycle we bring upon ourselves!

 

As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

(See the links below for more on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol.)

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

Family gatherings are often a replication of what goes on in the larger context of the world – especially in politics. The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one.

Uncle John is a great example of exhibiting obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had too much to drink. That’s when his baiting and political rants are rampant. In his need to be right at any cost his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful too.

And he pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.

So how do you handle him?

- Remind yourself he’s baiting you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’”

Pass the Rejection, Please

And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were little. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

So how do you handle her?

 – This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several.
Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the
charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, since she likes to get a charge out of you, maybe trying not to show reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it. 


- Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.

–  Being direct with her about, “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories.

- Instead of wanting to crawl under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walk into the bathroom and close the door while you regain your composure.

Watching the Cast of Characters in an Absurdist Play

Sometimes it helps to take a step back and remind yourself that watching your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes are surreal and maybe by creating little distance you can even find them entertaining in their weirdness.

Employing this perspective around the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally.

Opt-In to Time-Outs

Here are some effective ways to take care of yourself:

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to 
help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a ‘Time Out.’

- Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.

- One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:    

    In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.   

    At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely about them and not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she 
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Planning a Quick Get-Away

Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more strategizing.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.

It’s Not About You!

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.

Other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

Reminding yourself that it’s usually not about you, can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of  disconcerting environments.
You might say the take away here is: Don’t Take It Personally!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


More on anxiety, fear, adrenaline and cortisol:

Bombarded by Fear and Anxiety - How to Cope

Don’t Fear Change. Change Fear

Building Resilience/Managing Terror

Do you have a story to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them?

Email me at [email protected] or post on the comments section of the
blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Don’t Be Telling Me What I Need to Do!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Have you happened to notice lately how the comment “You need to” is hugely popular?

 

Campaigning politicians use it constantly. Headlines are everywhere online. I hear it from friends and colleagues.

 

Actually, I can’t stand the implication that I “need to” do something.

 

I don’t need to do anything. I don’t need to vote in a certain way. I don’t need to think in a certain way. I don’t need to conduct my business the way other folks think I should. I don’t need to read a certain book or article.

 

Nor should I do something. Or do I have to. Or got to.

Curious, I googled “need to” on a news website and was amazed that there are hundreds of entries in just the last few days – mostly in online news headlines. “You should” runs a close second, followed by “you must” and “have to” and “got to.”

Here are a few randomly chosen examples:

You Need to  . . .

Here’s What You Need to Do about . . .

What You Need to know About . . .

5 (6,8,10)Things you Need to know about . . .

The Pictures You Need to See

Why you Need to . . .

5 (6,8,10) Things You Should Never Say to . . .

What You Should Know About . . .

Why You Should Get . . .

The One Thing You Should Never Do   

Why You Should Always . . .

Why You Should Never . . .

5 (6,8,10) Things You Must Do . . .

You Must Try . . .

You Must Read . . .

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

All these “need tos” and “shoulds” are totally pushing my rebellious adolescent buttons. Unless I specifically ask someone for advice, I don’t want to be told what to do. And it feels like my personal boundaries are being infringed upon.

As you’ve probably guessed, “shoulds” have invaded my life since I was a child.

I used to spend a lot of time dwelling on, “I should do this or “I should think that” or "I should do better"  I guess I was always striving to be the ‘good girl,’ attempting to do what I thought was expected of me and not disappoint.

(And because I grew up in a family of “shoulds” and “need tos” I’m sure I, too, have sprinkled my own vocabulary with some of that  –– before I became aware of it.)

As a child whenever I thought I had failed, I’d find myself caught up in a cesspool of “shoulds’ and self-incrimination.  

Finally I realized I was putting wa-a-a-y too much negative energy into these ‘shoulds.” Each time I’d compare myself to others or say to myself, “I should have done . . .”  I was scolding myself and it quickly turned into a judgment, criticism and self-rejection.

It did take some work, but now I can usually catch my ‘shoulda, woulda coulda’ thinking before it turns negative on me.

For over 25 years I’ve been able to help coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants revisit the problems those “shoulds” create in their personal and workplace lives.

I hear far too many stories from clients about their reactions to being told by professionals – therapists, coaches, counselors, teachers, managers – that they “should” or “need to” do something or think in a certain way.

And if the client or student decides not to do as advised, sometimes they describe how the professional becomes upset with them. I guess you could say they were taking it personally that their advice wasn't being embraced. It seems they get overly invested in the outcome.

It happens with friends, too. A friend gives advice but it doesn’t work for the one receiving it. The advice giver feels rejected, takes it personally and sometimes even limits or ends(!) the relationship.

Stories like these are painful to hear.
 
In my work with clients, I consider my ideas to be more in the realm of presenting options and enhancing skills for navigating difficult situations, rather than ‘giving advice.”

Indeed, there have been times when I’ve said “you need to” to workplace coaching clients when they have felt harassed or otherwise unsafe in their jobs.

When the work environment becomes physically or emotionally unhealthy and the people in charge are not adequately protecting, I find myself doing something I would otherwise not do: I say “This is what you need to do to protect yourself and be safe.” Then together we strategize ways to carry out realistic safety measures, including reporting to higher ups in the workplace.

I turn it over to the client to choose if any of the ideas we come up with will work for them.

Tips for Dealing with Our “Shoulds”

– A good way to disengtangle from the “shoulds” is to separate the ‘then’ of the past from the ‘now’ of the present.
You might ask yourself:   “What messages did I receive in my early years about ‘shoulds?’” “How are these messages affecting me now?”

- Try walking alongside yourself and noticing the times you find yourself thinking “I should.” Observing gives you some objectivity and opens up space for making choices.

- Can you imagine yourself noticing the path you are traveling, then going back to the fork in the road and trying out another path?

I know I can be quirky sometimes, but am I alone in being so bothered by these phrases or do they sometimes affect you as well?  If so, how?
Do you have any stories to tell?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Donald Trump Leads the Way in Disrespecting Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The 2016 presidential hopefuls are providing bountiful opportunities for exploring personal boundaries –– AND the lack of them.

Donald Trump is leading the pack – providing us with one terrific example after another of inappropriateness.

If one of these candidates should become President, imagine how this disrespectful, out of bounds behavior would effect  our culture and policies at local and national levels.

What a huge impact on global diplomacy this character flaw could have. How would the President of the United States be perceived by heads of state and the world?

I can’t help but think his kind of rude and in-your-face behavior seems so, well . . . un-presidential. What are your thoughts?

Personal Boundaries 101

Personal boundaries are about space: physical, mental and emotional.

Having good personal boundaries means knowing where you stop and the other person begins. It means not confusing your own feelings and ideas with those of someone else.

Personal boundaries are about respect: respecting your own space and the space of others. This includes honoring each others differences of style, needs, feelings thoughts, ideas and values. . . and not feeling threatened by them.

 

The following list of personal boundaries is based on writings of authors John and Linda Friel:

Physical boundaries mean respect for physical space for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone uses your stuff without asking or when someone touches you inappropriately, or pushes or hits you.

Intellectual boundaries mean respect for ideas or thoughts for yourself and others. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”

Emotional boundaries involve respect for feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, criticizes, belittles or shames you.

Money boundaries involve how we earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. These boundaries are violated when someone makes judgments about how much money you have or don’t have and whether this makes you a good person. Bragging about money and spending is a transgression of these boundaries.

Social boundaries means a respect for our choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes who you choose to be with or where you choose to go.

Time boundaries means having respect for your own and others’ ways of getting things done. Some of us operate on time for meetings or completing projects. Others meet our deadlines, but “under the wire,”

Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy. No one can touch you without your permission. Staring and leering are also a transgression of sexual boundaries.

I would add to this list:
Ethical boundaries are a set of principles for the purpose of guiding decision making, behavior and professional integrity. Many businesses, organizations and professional associations have a Code of Ethics and Conduct.

Boundary Confusion Abounds

The 2016 campaign provides a profusion of examples of personal boundary confusion:

Some folks see things as black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. They have a tendency to make other people bad and wrong. This is a common form of boundary confusion.

Some view others as extensions of themselves. They assume other people think the same, have the same feelings, or play by the same rules, In other words, they are unable to appreciate others as separate, This can lead to inappropriate, intrusive and controlling behavior. This, too, is a common form of boundary confusion.

Folks who have a high need for appreciation, often push the limits of boundaries in order to get the praise and attention they crave. To call attention to themselves, some may even appear to push another person into over-reacting. You may recognize this as bullying behavior.

The 2016 candidates seem to be struggling with maintaining solid boundaries tossing  away their own personas, integrity and ideals as they mimic Donald Trump’s behaviors. If outrageousness works so well for him, why not try to outdo him? After all, he’s getting lots of media attention –– why not spread it around a little?

In our early years many developed a facade because we believed we were expected to think or behave in a certain way. So we ended up losing our true self.

I watch the candidates one by one seem to lose their ideals and develop a manufactured sense of what they stand for. So sad. I find myself wanting to see the ‘real’ candidates and hear about their real thoughts, feelings and ideas.

A consultation client offers this description of the ‘false front’ he developed as a child. “I couldn’t be myself in my family, and now as an adult I hardly know what’s underneath anymore.”

That's Entertainment

 Donald Trump excuses his derogatory comment about Carly Fiorina’s looks was merely “entertainment.” What a fine example of personal boundary crossing by this candidate for president of the United States. He confuses an attempt to be funny at someone else’s expense with his reality TV persona. There was no need to appear ‘presidential’ on TV . . . only a need to be “entertaining.”

How is ‘being entertaining” is supposed to look presidential?

Donald Trump crossing the line of propriety and exhibited role confusion as well  –– confusing ‘presidential candidate’ with ‘reality TV entertainer.’

And what about the name-calling: “loser,” “bimbo”and “idiot.” What about publicly giving out another candidate’s private mobile phone number? Wow. What an incredible example of inappropriate boundary crossing! Can we expect more of this if he is elected president?

Whatever happened to the idea of candidates showing respect for each other?

What if Mr. Trump is not just pretending that he does not understand the importance of respect. What if he makes a ‘joke’ like this about a diplomat or head of state? Would there be international consequences or would it be considered merely “entertaining?”

Maybe someone will convince him to sign up for a Social Skills Class.

Blind Spots and Projection –– Spreading the Garbage Around

You may be aware Projection is often one of the most confusing boundary difficulties in both business and personal relationships  . . .  and as we are seeing, in politics.
 
Projection happens when we cannot acknowledge certain unacceptable aspects of ourselves, and we mistakenly imagine that thought or feeling exists in the other person. Because these parts make us uncomfortable they stay hidden from us  –– what Carl Jung called the shadow—the dark part, the part we wish wasn’t there.

When these undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we often get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from this anxiety. It is a way of dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

Projection means disowning, rejecting unacceptable traits in ourselves and perceiving these same traits in another person or group. In other words, accusing them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

We see examples of projection in politics: blaming the other party for the actions (or lack of actions) of our own party. Accusing another candidate or elected official of proposing legislation that the accuser supported years ago.

Some scratching below the surface might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

A coaching  client sums it up pretty well, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

I'm not intending to make a political statement here, just wanting to call attention to some human nature. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout many primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in several previous blogs.

(See link below for past pieces on psychological projection.)

 

Yes and No

Learning to say “yes” and “no” defines who you are in the moment — and what you stand for. In fact, these words are great boundary setters.

The trouble is many of us did not have very good modeling of boundaries in childhood. We had no idea how to define what we stood for or what we needed. In fact, in many families, defining things was discouraged, or even forbidden. Instead, things had to be vague, cloudy, amorphous. Family members played guessing games with each other because being specific was simply not okay. And what could be more specific then learning to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly?

Too often we learned to say “yes” when we really meant “no” and we learned to say “no” when we wanted to say “yes.”

One of the best ways to set clear boundaries is to learn to clearly say “yes” and “no.” It seems to me that when someone asks you to do something, you can answer in one of four ways:

With some practice, you will soon be able to learn to assess a situation without feeling rushed into a “yes” or “no.” You will also, with practice, learn to give the appropriate response.

By the way, “no” can take other forms as well. A young woman I know has found a phrase that works for her: “STOP." This is uncomfortable for me.”

Ideas for Navigating Through Boundary Confusion

- Figure out where you stop and the other person begins.

- Know that you exist separately and distinctly from other people, with different feelings, ideas and needs.

- Learn to say “yes” and “no” loudly and clearly.

- Practice putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding what their world view is in the moment.

- Remind yourself that another person’s words or actions are often about that person and that person’s history, and not about you. Can you choose not to take it personally?

Do you have an experience or story about personal boundaries to share? If so, email me at
[email protected] or post on the comments section of the blog site: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejeciton.com

Here's the link to past blogs on psychological projection:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/psychologial-projection/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Check out my earlier blogs on how Donald Trump leads the pack in offering us terrific examples of lessons:

In bullying, disrespect and mean-spiritedness: (Trumped Up and Slammed Down – The 2016 Presidential Primaries)

and

In fairness: (It’s Just Not Fair - In the World of Trump
and the World of Amazon)

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

It’s Just Not Fair - In the Worlds of Donald Trump and Amazon.com

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Before he bowed to pressure and signed the pledge, Donald Trump announced, “I don`t want to run a third party or as an independent. I want to run as a Republican.  As long as I`m treated fairly, that`s going to be the case.

And ‘fairly’ is an instinct. It`s an instinct.  I know what fair is. You know what fair is,” Donald Trump proclaimed at a press conference in Birch Run, Michigan:

In Dubuque, Iowa he warned Fox News: “When people treat me unfairly, I don’t let them forget it.”

What is fair for you, Mr. Trump? Can you define it? What do you mean when you say it is ‘an instinct?’

Does it mean you think you aren't being treated 'special' enough because of your sense of entitlement?

Does it mean you get upset and retaliate when other folks don't agree with you?

Does that mean that in your gut you feel treated unjustly? That you feel slighted or attacked?

Does it mean you are taking it personally?

Sensitivity to Being Treated Unfairly

Fairness is a big issue for me as well, Mr. Trump. It doesn’t take much for me to feel treated unfairly by others. For much of my life I’ve not only been smarting from being treated unfairly, many times I find myself considering what being treated fairly means. 

Fair treatment is also a concern of many of my workplace and therapy clients over the years.

Being treated ‘unfairly’ is a feeling we get in our guts when we feel disrespected. Is this the “instinct” you are talking about, Mr. Trump?

Do you tend to take things personally when you perceive injustices? Or maybe a better question would be, “How often do your feelings get hurt?”

Dissing and Taking Things Personally in the Amazon.com Culture

Since the NYT piece there’s much talk about how unfair work practices in the Amazon culture result in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

This quote from an employee who worked in books marketing says it all: “Nearly every person I worked with, I saw cry at their desk.”

According to the NYT piece, employees report feeling their work is never done or good enough, they say they are encouraged to send secret feedback to one another’s bosses (tattling), or to tear apart each other’s ideas in meetings. Some report being evaluated unfairly or edged out when recovering from personal and medical crises.

I'm wondering if Donald Trump recognizes the similarities with the Amazon.com culture when he sneers "You're Fired" on reality TV?

Most of us have a gut reaction to injustices of being slighted, attacked, scolded, insulted, degraded, mocked, bullied, humiliated, belittled, faulted, or bullied.

When we experience any of these actions, we feel "dissed" in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted,or disposed of. If you take a close look, all of these situations are connected to rejection and taking things personally.

(More about feeling rejected, judged and criticized in the link below.)

Taking Things Personally - Let's Count the Ways

Taking things personally has lots of colorations:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but 
your feelings get    easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against you.

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

Hurts Tend to Stockpile

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same in the future.

We tend to collect injustices which stockpile and fester:

-  "It's not fair!"

-  "I don't deserve this."

-  "How can you do this to me?"

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work
relationships, it can be devastating. Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and self-rejection are reawakened.

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed romantic relationships.

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen, Or
not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:

    "What makes you think you can do that?"
    "Who do you think you are?"

These cumulative experiences affect how we see ourselves and how we cope with present day disappointments.

It usually boils down to feeling we are treated unfairly.

There is fascinating research reported on how humans and monkeys share an innate sense of fair play which includes a video link showing how a monkey throws a tantrum at unfair treatment and inequality.

(You’ll find this research and a video link below. )

Rudeness is Contagious - and Childish Too

Rudeness is contagious and has a negative effect on performance according to research at the University of Florida.

(See the link below.)

Related to this have been other studies showing how work performance and productivity improve when employee’s are appreciated and validated by recognizing their accomplishments. Seems like a no-brainer.

And regarding the contagiousness – I notice that It isn’t just Donald Trump or Amazon that disperse rudeness and disrespect. It seems to be infiltrating attitudes in many situations all around us. Have you noticed this as well?

Fair treatment is connected to feeling respected by others. And receiving respect from others is easier to achieve when they feel respected by us.  

Sometimes this is really hard to do when we don’t like someone — and there are many difficult people out there in workplace and personal relationships.
I’ve come up with a way to give and receive respect. And it works!

The trick is to find something to like about the other person — even when they are pretty much unlikeable. It could be their sense of style, their organizing skills, their laugh, even their hair color.

Because when you are concentrating on something you can genuinely appreciate about them, something positive will show in your eyes. And since we were infants, most of us are looking into someone’s eyes for acceptance, for that gleam.

If you have a chance to try out this experiment, email me at [email protected] and tell me about your experience.

I’d also love to hear about your experiences with unfairness.

And by the way, a reminder for both Mr.Trump and Amazon’s Mr. Bezos:
The Oxford Dictionary defines Diplomacy as “The art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.”

Here are links to the references above:

Statements about being treated unfairly:
 http://dailycaller.com/2015/08/12/trump-i-was-the-establishment-video/#ixzz3j2pjanIR

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2015/08/25/trump-boots-reporter-vows-hold-grudges/32369663/

NYT piece about the Amazon.com culture:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/16/technology/inside-amazon-wrestling-big-ideas-in-a-bruising-workplace.html?_r=0

On overcoming rejection, judgments and criticism
http://www.queenofrejection.com/article1.htm

On monkeys sense of fair play:
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/350009#ixzz3iv7Pzk9P
Scroll down to the working video.

On how workplace rudeness is contagious:
http://news.ufl.edu/archive/2015/07/its-official-workplace-rudeness-is-contagious.html

And if you missed my earlier blog on the rudeness and disrespect that runs rampant in the 2016 Presidential campaigning, here it is:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2015/07/trumped-up-and-slammed-down-the-2016-presidential-primaries.html

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Trumped Up and Slammed Down -The 2016 Presidential Primaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

The rampant disrespect and mean-spiritedness of this year's Presidential Campaign is really getting to me. I’m wondering if it is affecting you as well.

Like the scraping sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, this makes my skin crawl.

I don’t intend for this piece to be political. I just feel a need to write about my own queasiness and the discomfort also expressed by many of my consulting and therapy clients.

I’ve been around name-calling, dissing and bullying much of my life, and it is difficult to watch it play out to such a huge degree in the presidential campaigns.

Sure, I could choose not watch TV or read the news. Yet I find myself drawn to the drama of it all. Do you find yourself pulled in as well?

In the midst of the 2008 presidential primaries, I wrote: “I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.”

During the 2011 campaign, I wrote: “I don’t believe I’ve observed political campaigning with so many personal attacks - especially this early in a campaign. It seems . . .the bitterness intensifies with each debate.“

I’ve written several times since then about disrespect in campaigning, each time saying I’ve never seen it so toxic. Wow. Was I wrong! This one has started so early in the campaigning, and the name-calling is so vicious.

Just a few weeks ago I thought something like this fiasco could never happen. Wrong again!

It Starts in the Sandbox

Do you remember the days of playing in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another? The picked-on child feels hurt and confused. “Why me? What did I do? Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?”

In this present-day situation it is usually Donald Trump who does the provoking –  flicking contempt, innuendos, insults, indignities, put-downs, and cheap shots at the other primary candidates.

He is like the fisherman who throws out bait to the fish . . . and they keep on biting!

Watching this is painful to me and to many of my clients, because of the similarity to growing up being on the receiving end of hurtful words or actions. in childhood it’s not a question of if the abuse will happen, but rather, when it will happen. The waiting is nerve-wracking.

Research shows that levels of the stress hormones, adrenalin and cortisol, are affected by environments of extreme stress in childhood. These spurts of adrenaline and cortisol caused by anxiety result in depression, leading to even to more intense feelings of helplessness and overwhelm.

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships in a PSTD-sort of way, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and romantic partners.

See links below for research on adrenaline and cortisol.

And to make things worse many of us seem to be reacting to and reflecting the outrageous behaviors and misbehavior of the candidates – picking up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitating it.

Clients are noticing they have become snippy and snarly with friends and family. Me too. I notice I’m  more on edge, short on patience, and, yes, taking things personally.  

At first I thought my reaction was just an exacerbation of my concussion from the accident a year ago. Now I realize my increased irritability symptoms are probably connected to how affected I am by the the toxicity being belched out daily by the candidates.

On the other hand, the goings on are ludicrous in a comical sort of way. It’s almost as though the politics is scripted to be as outrageous as possible – much like Theatre of the Absurd. But this sort of ‘entertainment over substance’ makes good press.

Theatre of the Absurd

The surreal quality to all of this feels like Theatre of the Absurd. Is this really happening?

Absurdism involves portraying situations where the characters raise questions but don't provide answers, where there is no assumption of purpose, and where there is no logic to motivations, creating an atmosphere of ridiculousness.

We are hearing the voices of the disempowered where the behaviors of these candidates  seem to border on the ridiculous. Most of them appear to be overly-sensitive, taking things personally and out of control in their knee-jerk responses.

It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.'  More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'

Trump’s Taunts

As each candidate waits their turn to be the latest recipient of Trump’s Taunts, the ante gets upped because there is so much at stake here: media time, headlines, and a spot on the main stage for the first  Primary Debate where only 10 contenders out of the field of 17 can appear on TV.

As polls show voters are unexpectedly going for Donald Trump, the other candidates feel threatened and desperate. The situation has disintegrated to the point where it appears the only way they can get headlines is to out-Trump Trump. And they appear to be acting out for attention – and sacrificing their dignity.

How would they comport themselves as President of the United States in a crisis situation or if a world power was critical of their ideas or actions?

It has been fascinating watching media pundits trying to figure out what is happening here that businessman Donald Trump is the leader of the pack in the polls. How can it be that he breaks the rules and is defying all political patterns?

Trump brags about his huge net worth and big business experience as qualifications for his run for President of the United States.Yet his business have declared bankruptcy four times seeking Chapter 11 protection  – in 1991, 1992, 2004, and 2009.

"I've used the laws of this country to pare debt. We'll have the company. We'll throw it into a chapter (11.) We'll negotiate with the banks. We'll make a fantastic deal. You know, it's like on 'The Apprentice.' It's not personal. It's just business.”

See the link below to Donald Trump's comments on bankruptcy

I’m Mad As Hell, and I’m not Going to Take it Anymore!

So why is Donald Trump so popular with voters? Do they find his candor refreshing? Does he speak to their frustration with Washington politicians? Is he speaking for them – unleashing the anger and intensity they fantasize about expressing?

Is Donald Trump giving voters permission to scream out their windows: “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

What are your ideas about what’s going on here?

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us.  

I find the best way to deal with it is to focus on the humor of it all - and I remind myself to detach and observe it as if I am watching a Theatre of the Absurd dramatic performance.  

By the way, I often offer this suggestion when clients describe being nervous about visiting family members or attending an important business meeting: "See if you can  step back from it all. Imagine you are watching the cast of characters in a Pinter or Beckett play!"

I know I’m writing about this sort of prematurely - there is so much more to come. I’m sure there will be more to observe and comment on after the debates begin.  
I’d love to hear your impressions and comments and guesses as to what might happen on the debate stage.

Oh, and I've discovered smudging helps a lot to clear the air.  I’ll be sure and bring my sage stick while I watch the debate.

More about childhood stress and it’s effect on adult functioning:
http://www.directessays.com/viewpaper/48493.html
http://www.asca.org.au/about/resources/impact-on-the-physiology-of-the-brain.aspx

More a about Donald Trump’s bankruptcy interview on ABC:
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-filed-bankruptcy-times/story?id=13419250

© Elayne Savage, PhD


Until next time,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

The Supremes and Personal Attacks — What Happened to Dignity?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

What a shame recent history-making decisions by the Supreme Court are being tainted by animosity between the justices.

Will they ever again be able to sit down to tea together? Can they survive the recent rancor and disrespect?

What a contrast between Justice Robert’s restrained, reasoned and respectful dissent of the Marriage Equality decision and the irreverent dissents by Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alito – especially the public shaming of Justice Kennedy.     

This blog is not intended to be a political statement. My need to write about this reflects my uneasiness about the disrespect shown by these Justices to each other. As many of you know, I see things through the lens of rejection and taking things personally and these disrespectful exchanges trouble me a lot. Some of you may be affected by this as well, and I hope you'll take part in this conversation.

 

And yes, I guess I am taking it personally that my trust in the dignity of the highest court in our land has been shattered by undignified behavior.

The ‘Diss List”

These written dissents are chock-full of descriptions from the “Diss List” I use as an author and speaker.

“Diss” of course is short for “disrespect,” but there are dozens of words that begin with ‘diss’ including dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disregarding, dishonoring, and disgracing.

Each of these describes a rejecting behavior. They arise from and can lead to taking things personally.

Justice Scalia, joined by Justices Thomas and Alito, wrote a blistering dissent calling The Affordable Care Act majority opinion written by Chief Justice Roberts “absurd” and proclaiming, “We should start calling this law SCOTUScare."

Justice Scalia, famous for his over-the-top writing and witticisms, seems to have overstepped this time. Perhaps he isn’t aware that cynicism and sarcasm are anger based — and his anger surely shows.

Do you think Justice Scalia’s insulting responses to the majority opinions could be because he felt betrayed by the usually conservative Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Kennedy?

Did he take it personally? Is he overreacting?

Taking Things Personally – Let Me Count the Ways

Taking things personally has lots of colorations:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.
-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but 
your feelings get easily   hurt.
-  Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against you.
-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal. 
-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.
-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.
-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.
-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

Politico.com Wrote this Blog for Me!

Just as I was starting to write this blog using vivid examples of sniping and disrespect in the dissents  . . . Politico.com did it for me! (Politico, read by both Democrats and Republicans, is for the most part considered unbiased and a bit edgy.)

Here are some quotes from the Politico piece using words like “bitterness,” “invective,” “ridiculing” and “accusatory.”

“The gloves came off, with the justices hurling especially nasty words at each other, shattering the illusion that they are all good friends.”

“Scalia pulled no punches, blasting the majority decision in the same-sex marriage case as a ‘judicial Putsch,’ and leveling attacks that seemed directed squarely at Justice Anthony Kennedy, who penned the court’s majority opinion.”

(I had no clue what putsch means and had to look it up in Merriam-Webster: “a secretly plotted and suddenly executed attempt to overthrow a government.” Imagine. One Justice accusing another Justice of trying to overthrow the government!)

“Scalia called Kennedy’s opinion ‘often profoundly incoherent’ and declared that its ‘style is as pretentious as its content is egotistic.’"

“At another juncture, Scalia ridiculed Kennedy’s language as sounding like an aphorism from a fortune cookie.”

These mocking words from one justice about another, makes my head spin. Where is the decorum one would hope to expect from Supreme Court Justices?

(You’ll find the link to the thought-provoking Politico article below.)

Isomorphism and Projection

I wonder if this SCOTUS turmoil is a reflection of similar in-fighting in Congress and between Congress and the White House. And is it a mirroring of the polarization in the country? The term for this is isomorphism or parallel process.

Could there be some psychological projection going on as well where one person’s unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings or fears are unconsciously attributed to others?
(See the link below for more about isomorphism and projection.)

Will this dissension trickle down to the rest of us? Or has it already?

What a shame it would be if this acrimony affects future behaviors of The Supreme Court, Congress, The White House and We the People.

The positive side here is that some recent opinions have included a large dose of humanity from  the Justices. Wouldn't it be refreshing if SCOTUS could each find their way to feel passionately, yet respectfully and with dignity.

Would love your ideas about all this. Let’s have a discussion . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

More reading:

From Politico.com: Supreme Court Justices Stop Playing Nice
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/06/supreme-court-justices-antonin-scalia-samuel-alito-119486.html

On Isomorphism and projection:
From TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection: Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?
http://bit.ly/1GH3ZDB

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Prison: An Unlikely Place for Finding Freedom

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

So much is in the news lately about Criminal Justice, death row and lethal injections  – even bringing back electric chairs, gas chambers and firing squads. And yet, there are also stories about exonerations and even stray cats in prisons.

I find myself flashing back to my early prison experiences – I’ve wanted to write about these for a long time, and I’d love to share these images with you.

When Taking Things Personally Leads to Jail Time

A few years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was on what I know best: how not to take rejection and disappointment so personally. This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

I really enjoyed working with these men and learned much from them sharing their taking-things-personally experiences. As I became a familiar face I was invited to enter the dorm without an escort and announce class on the loud speaker. This group of regulars immediately gathered around me. As we crossed the yard to the classroom I couldn’t help but have an image of collecting my ducklings!

I noticed something rather striking during my time in San Quentin: inmates confided they have more freedom to be themselves inside prison then they did on the outside. I could see it in class – they were free to offer comfort to each other, to put their arms around each other.

What an eye-opener this was for me. Imagine. Having more freedom behind bars!.

They would talk about how being on the inside gave them the rules and structure they didn't have on the outside. And they say they function better with this feeling of safety to be themselves.

My book ‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several told me:

 “If I’d understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to go out and steal for drugs.”

Alabama’s “Yellow Mama”

My first prison-related experience was decades ago on a University of Alabama Sociology class field trip to the State prison. That was the day I volunteered to sit in the brightly painted wooden electric chair, “Yellow Mama.” I thought getting to sit in it was a lark until the guards recounted how they repaint it after each electrocution. This adventure quickly turned into something creepier than I had expected.

Wisps of this memory came floating back when I read of the recent release in Alabama of Ray Hinton, 30 years on death row and awaiting execution. New ballistics test have determined he was wrongfully convicted.

Looks like he was released just in time – Alabama is considering dusting off Yellow Mama and bringing her down from the attic to resume electrocutions.

Exoneration of the Wrongfully Incarcerated

You have probably heard of the Innocence Project, which Barry Scheck and Peter Neufeld founded 20 years ago to arrange DNA testing that can prove wrongful convictions.

Once inmates are exonerated and released, however, they often have no usable skills in a society that has changed greatly over those years of incarceration.

So about 10 years ago, a handful of us met in Human Rights Advocate Lola Vollen’s living room to start the Life After Exoneration Program (LAEP.) 

We began developing resources for rebuilding lives of prisoners who had been exonerated but had no real skills to face the outside world. We began the process of arranging support services: housing, employment, computer skills and access to medical care. You can read about the program in the link below.

I’ve wanted to share these stories with you for a long time but couldn’t figure out a way to tie them together. The Alabama exoneration provides a connecting thread. Now there is a new story that is crying out to be included.

Shelter Cats Find Freedom Behind Bars

Have you read the touching article about the stray cats at Pendleton Correctional Facility in Indiana? A new program has 12 previously caged animal shelter cats roaming free in the prison office. They are often found on the climbing structures built by prisoners or curled up in the laps of the prisoners who come in to care for them. 

Cat duty “is one of the best parts of my week,” prisoner Charles Barker offers. “It’s very therapeutic. After I did this a couple times, you spend your off days wishing you could go back.”

“It’s kind of ironic that these cats had to come to prison to have some freedom,” says another prisoner, Barry Matlock.

Yep. That's the truth! Cats . . . and humans, too.

 

Have you, too, had experiences with the prison system?

What are your thoughts, ideas about exoneration?

What do you think of the stray-cats-in-prison story?

 

More about the cats getting a new home:

http://www.heraldbulletin.com/news/local_news/stray-cats-get-new-home-at-pendleton-prison/article_6aa78f61-ab02-5809-8481-532472c7780f.html

 

More about the Life After Exoneration Program:

http://www.exonerated.org/

 

More about the release of Alabama prisoner:

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/state-lacks-evidence-frees-man-30-years-death-30093821

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next time,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

The Heavy Burden of Keeping Secrets

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Last month's post on lies and liars led to this comment from a reader about keeping secrets:

“I think what’s equally as bad as lying is keeping a secret. But, it’s so lonely, frightening, and dangerous to keep secrets.”
. . . and of course, lying usually involves secrets.

For the full comment, go to the COMMENTS section of my blog: http://bit.ly/1LN0BKy

Let ’s give some attention here to what a heavy burden secrecy can be. Secrets take so much energy to maintain and as you are most likely aware, they can beget mistrust and suspicion which sure can interfere with how we live our lives.

All of this can rob both personal and work relationships of the resources necessary for desired connection.

Everyone is entitled to the opportunity to make an 'informed decision' in their relationships and they need enough information to be able to do this. Secrets may end up getting in the way of the credibility we want to present to others.

In Breathing Room I take a look at dozens of creative ways we find to fill space — preventing us from connecting in our relationships.
Holding secrets is a primary way we do this.

Sometimes We Learn Secret-Keeping in Childhood

“For some of us, secrets were woven into the fabric of our lives from an early age, leaving little room for honesty or authenticity. All kinds of things are kept secret. Parents may feel they are protecting the child by not answering questions truthfully . . .”

The family secret may be that a parent drinks too much, or says or does inappropriate things. The secrecy may be about illness or how a family member actually died.

Sometimes there are generational family secrets about the reasons families have left their countries of origin: often to escape from persecution of some kind, but it is never discussed with the next generations.

“Often, on some level, children sense what the secret is, but because of the family rules about secretiveness, they feel that they can’t comment or ask questions. So they remain very lonely in their isolation.

Another way of creating secrets is by not giving children an honest answer or by denying feelings.

I’ve blogged many times about having our perceptions discounted when we were children and how confusing it is not to be believed: “It didn’t happen.” “It wasn’t all that bad.” “Don’t be silly,” or the parent responds to a child’s bad dream by declaring, “You’re really not afraid.” When this is our model growing up, and we are not believed, we learn to be secretive. Why confide in someone if they don’t believe you?

Secrets and lies are toxic to relationships.

In Private Lies Dr. Frank Pittman writes: “Children rely upon the stability of the . . . family. If secrets keep family members from being close to one another, the family undergoes disorientation," He continues: "Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told, they become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift."

Secretiveness Tends to be Perpetuated

Again from Breathing  Room: “When people grow up in secretive families, they may continue be secretive in their adult relationships. Trust becomes an issue because they will also be expecting secretiveness from others. If someone didn’t trust you with the truth when you were growing up, it’s hard to trust others when you are a grown-up.”

I point out how secrets in grown-up relationships can take the form of Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas. “These one-sided, unspoken contracts between two people can lead to disappointments. These expectations are based on a presumption that the other person will cooperate in a plan that has never actually been discussed between the two . . . somebody gets a big surprise when the partner doesn’t uphold their end of the “bargain,” and the “deal” doesn’t happen.

These unspoken or hidden “terms,” “contracts,” and “agreements” affect all areas of relationships — lifestyle, sex, recreation, values, friends, money, decision-making, extended families, child rearing, hopes, and plans.

Can you see how Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas can also problematic in workplace relationships?

In fact, secrecy is a huge issue on many organizations and we may have strong reactions to how certain decisions are made at work — and take it personally when we sense we are there is deception. We may feel kept in the dark and marginalized when there is a lack of transparency, concealment of what should have been disclosed, and a breach of confidence and trust.

We have a particularly hard time if we have experienced similar feelings growing up. These experiences stockpile and each time we feel betrayed by a person or a group that we trust, deep feelings can be triggered. Doesn't it make sense that any of us who have had these early experiences are going to be reacting strongly to what feels like a betrayal by our organization. I wrote about feelings of betrayal by my Therapist Association last year in ‘Secrecy, Lies, Betrayal and Shattered Trust’ and if it sounds angry, it's because I really was!
http://bit.ly/1aXrsmy

It doesn’t feel good to be disappointed by those we trust, and these disappointments can feel like rejection.
From the Archive: http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/disappointments/

There is so much more to say about keeping secrets, feelings of betrayal and maintaining trust.

NPR did a story on Family Secrets recently. Here's the link:
http://www.npr.org/2015/03/13/392771329/family-secrets

And What About You?

- Have you, too, had experiences with keeping secrets?
- How has it felt to be asked to keep a secret? How about when you ask someone to hold a secret for you?
- Did secret-keeping when you grew up influence how you approach secrecy now in you personal or work relationships?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

 

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage