Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

The Heavy Burden of Keeping Secrets

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Last month's post on lies and liars led to this comment from a reader about keeping secrets:

“I think what’s equally as bad as lying is keeping a secret. But, it’s so lonely, frightening, and dangerous to keep secrets.”
. . . and of course, lying usually involves secrets.

For the full comment, go to the COMMENTS section of my blog: http://bit.ly/1LN0BKy

Let ’s give some attention here to what a heavy burden secrecy can be. Secrets take so much energy to maintain and as you are most likely aware, they can beget mistrust and suspicion which sure can interfere with how we live our lives.

All of this can rob both personal and work relationships of the resources necessary for desired connection.

Everyone is entitled to the opportunity to make an 'informed decision' in their relationships and they need enough information to be able to do this. Secrets may end up getting in the way of the credibility we want to present to others.

In Breathing Room I take a look at dozens of creative ways we find to fill space — preventing us from connecting in our relationships.
Holding secrets is a primary way we do this.

Sometimes We Learn Secret-Keeping in Childhood

“For some of us, secrets were woven into the fabric of our lives from an early age, leaving little room for honesty or authenticity. All kinds of things are kept secret. Parents may feel they are protecting the child by not answering questions truthfully . . .”

The family secret may be that a parent drinks too much, or says or does inappropriate things. The secrecy may be about illness or how a family member actually died.

Sometimes there are generational family secrets about the reasons families have left their countries of origin: often to escape from persecution of some kind, but it is never discussed with the next generations.

“Often, on some level, children sense what the secret is, but because of the family rules about secretiveness, they feel that they can’t comment or ask questions. So they remain very lonely in their isolation.

Another way of creating secrets is by not giving children an honest answer or by denying feelings.

I’ve blogged many times about having our perceptions discounted when we were children and how confusing it is not to be believed: “It didn’t happen.” “It wasn’t all that bad.” “Don’t be silly,” or the parent responds to a child’s bad dream by declaring, “You’re really not afraid.” When this is our model growing up, and we are not believed, we learn to be secretive. Why confide in someone if they don’t believe you?

Secrets and lies are toxic to relationships.

In Private Lies Dr. Frank Pittman writes: “Children rely upon the stability of the . . . family. If secrets keep family members from being close to one another, the family undergoes disorientation," He continues: "Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told, they become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift."

Secretiveness Tends to be Perpetuated

Again from Breathing  Room: “When people grow up in secretive families, they may continue be secretive in their adult relationships. Trust becomes an issue because they will also be expecting secretiveness from others. If someone didn’t trust you with the truth when you were growing up, it’s hard to trust others when you are a grown-up.”

I point out how secrets in grown-up relationships can take the form of Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas. “These one-sided, unspoken contracts between two people can lead to disappointments. These expectations are based on a presumption that the other person will cooperate in a plan that has never actually been discussed between the two . . . somebody gets a big surprise when the partner doesn’t uphold their end of the “bargain,” and the “deal” doesn’t happen.

These unspoken or hidden “terms,” “contracts,” and “agreements” affect all areas of relationships — lifestyle, sex, recreation, values, friends, money, decision-making, extended families, child rearing, hopes, and plans.

Can you see how Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas can also problematic in workplace relationships?

In fact, secrecy is a huge issue on many organizations and we may have strong reactions to how certain decisions are made at work — and take it personally when we sense we are there is deception. We may feel kept in the dark and marginalized when there is a lack of transparency, concealment of what should have been disclosed, and a breach of confidence and trust.

We have a particularly hard time if we have experienced similar feelings growing up. These experiences stockpile and each time we feel betrayed by a person or a group that we trust, deep feelings can be triggered. Doesn't it make sense that any of us who have had these early experiences are going to be reacting strongly to what feels like a betrayal by our organization. I wrote about feelings of betrayal by my Therapist Association last year in ‘Secrecy, Lies, Betrayal and Shattered Trust’ and if it sounds angry, it's because I really was!
http://bit.ly/1aXrsmy

It doesn’t feel good to be disappointed by those we trust, and these disappointments can feel like rejection.
From the Archive: http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/disappointments/

There is so much more to say about keeping secrets, feelings of betrayal and maintaining trust.

NPR did a story on Family Secrets recently. Here's the link:
http://www.npr.org/2015/03/13/392771329/family-secrets

And What About You?

- Have you, too, had experiences with keeping secrets?
- How has it felt to be asked to keep a secret? How about when you ask someone to hold a secret for you?
- Did secret-keeping when you grew up influence how you approach secrecy now in you personal or work relationships?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

 

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Tips for Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

By Elayne Savage, PhD

This is my 100^th e-letter/blog! Exactly eight years since I began November 2006 . . .

So it is with much gratitude I thank you for your support and comments and feedback.

I’m grateful, too, that I finally seem to be on the road to healing after that scary accident 3 months ago. Now if my concussion would only go away, I would be able to talk and write in sentences that make sense again!

I have learned much from family, friends, therapy and coaching clients and colleagues. And from you who have received these e-letters and responded with your own thoughts.  I'm grateful to you.

I’m super appreciative of the amazing lessons I have the opportunity to learn from my wise seven year old granddaughter and super excited that I’ll be with her and her parents this holiday.

Here Comes Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving gives us a reason and permission to allow gratitude and appreciation into our lives. And here comes Thanksgiving 2014.

However, for some of us it also can be a holiday with a few conflicting feelings  – clashing and banging up against each other. Perhaps in even stereophonic sound!

A part of you most likely looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the people and experiences in your life.

Hopefully this holiday gives you permission to appreciate you — for who you are and the person you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome as well.

Thanksgiving gives us permission to let ourselves be appreciative – maybe even stating our feelings out loud.

However, there may also be a part of you that is award of feeling a bit uneasy
with this holiday. Perhaps it’s the part of you that stresses about planning or preparing or serving. Or the part of you that dreads dealing with the 'attitudes' of annoying or inappropriate folks during get-togethers.

Pass the Rejection, Please

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these ultra-stressful times.

Do you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping this holiday is going to be different from past experiences?

Do you find yourself disappointed yet again?

Does someone say or do something that ruins the day for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene may seem to turn into something resembling Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Norman Rockwell painting and the next minute they’re at each other’s throats because someone said or did the "wrong" thing. Someone copped an 'attitude,' or was too judgmental, or critical or disapproving or dismissive or condescending or sarcastic or attacking or crude or otherwise disrespectful.

Feelings get hurt and someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments can feel like a huge dose of rejection.

Talking to The Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in
battles, feeling the need to choose sides, and suffering hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self." Maybe she needs to validate her  sublime mom-ness.    

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point. With the elections just over, he thinks he has good reason to goad you and he gives it his all.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she says in a very loud voice. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

- This is a good time to take a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation so you don’t feel so flooded and can think more clearly.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally whenever she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully and walk into the bathroom and while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author."

This perspective can give you the distance you need to take a step back and not feel so rejected or take things so personally.


"Excuse Me . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways you might take care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that this is most likely about them and not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Opt-In to Time-Outs

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Visiting out-of-town relatives can be even more complicated and may take a bit more strategizing. Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.

Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.

People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," it’s a good guess she, too, is overly sensitive. “

In fact, if you ask Mom about Sally, she’ll tell you "When we were growing up, Sally always took things personally!"

Again, it’s good to remind yourself that it’s not about you.

Too Hot to Handle

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward another person. This projection onto others is usually not part of our awareness.

In Breathing Room I describe projection as "when you mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries, and again in Breathing Room I describe how this works:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

By the way, Mike Robbins' book is terrific on how to harness the power of gratitude: Focus On The Good Stuff - The Power of Appreciation.'

Thanks for the Opportunity

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate them – even if our tendency is to hold back from sharing such sentiments.

For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday and to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures - wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation.

I’ll bet you have some wonderful holiday stories and experiences to tell – and I’d love to hear from you: [email protected] or you can post in the comments section of the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

© Elayne Savage PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Can you believe the number of Family Violence stories in the news lately? The Ravens Ray Rice, 49ers Ray McDonald , Panthers Greg Hardy, and even a US District Court Judge Mark Fuller are all accused of Domestic Violence. But the story that dominates is about the indictment of Vikings Adrian Peterson for beating his four year old son with a switch.

The gift here of course is the media attention has done much to break the secrecy about family violence.

There is a connection between domestic violence and the abuse of children. Both often come from learned behavior, often experienced in childhood.

Experiencing abuse or witnessing it between adults affects a child’s capacity for showing respect and trust. What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone? When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? They may ask themselves, "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me?"

As adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Many become bullies and abusers themselves. Some become the abused. And others will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again.

Let’s focus here on child abuse in regard to recent reports of Adrian Peterson’s abuse of his 4 year old son with a stripped tree branch.

‘Discipline' or 'Punishment'

The difference between 'Discipline' and 'Punishment' confuses many folks. Disciplining doesn't have to mean physical punishment. When do 'spankings' become 'whippings' or ‘beatings' or  ‘whuppins’?

How often do we hear “My daddy hit me, so I have a right to do the same to my child”?
In fact, Peterson’s lawyer stated, “Adrian is a loving father who used his judgment as a parent to discipline his son. He used the same kind of discipline with his child that he experienced as a child growing up in East Texas.”

Sorry. I can’t buy that line of reasoning. My daddy hit my brother Lee and me pretty regularly with belts and telephone cords. We share stories with cousins about beatings. Now that I know our grandfather beat our father and his four brothers – it still does not make our beatings acceptable.

I was determined not to repeat this behavior with my daughter. And yet, one day she said something that I took personally and I lost control. I raged at her, chased her into her playhouse, blocked the door, and flailed at her with my hands.

And then she stopped me cold: “You’re supposed to protect kids not hit them.” She was about seven years old and knew I was a Child Protective Services social worker.

In those days I’d often team up with plainclothes officers to talk with parents, and will always remember their advice: “If you can’t stop yourself from hitting, hit with an open hand so you won’t leave welts or bruises. Using a fist or belt will hurt your child.”

Emotional Welts and Bruises

If we see a child being beaten with a belt or wooden spoon, we can imagine the pain the child experiences, maybe we can even see the welts. However we don’t see the emotional marks when the child is being beaten with a psychological spoon.

Because emotional hurts are more insidious, it is harder to make sense out of them. It’s not the beating alone that causes long-term damage. It is the accompanying messages of rejection and betrayal that potentially travel with a child into adulthood.

Long-term emotional damage results when the child looks to someone for love and protection, and that person hurts and betrays them. The child is left with feeling rejected, disrespected, and unprotected. This is true for all types of abuse.

What about these emotional welts and bruises?

Physical bruises usually heal; emotional bruises often do not. It’s not the spanking alone that causes long-term damage. It's more complicated than that.

"Fight, Flight or Freeze" – Spurts of Adrenaline and Cortisol

Research shows that adrenaline and cortisol stress hormone levels are affected by fear or trauma and bring on a 'fight or flight or freeze' response.

What is the long term affect of these increased levels? And how do these spurts of adrenaline caused by anxiety result in depression, leading to even to more intense feelings of helplessness and overwhelm?

Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - the spurts of stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol that are activated by the amygdala and repeatedly result in fight, flight or freeze reactions during a new experience . . . and these often repeat over the course of our lives.

Here’s how it works: According to neuroscience the human brain has a special file to store memories that are linked to strong emotions.

The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens and files the information your five senses take in.

Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date-stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping.

When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and it turns out it is some kind of stored memory,

Emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. These experiences determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.

All these years later adult clients I see in therapy recall feeling terrified at 'that look' in their parents' eyes. Intense anger or rage on the adult's face can be terrorizing for some children especially if there is an out-of-control quality to it. They live on the edge, waiting for the whipping to come again.

In Don’t Take It Personally! I write how children's experience of being abused is from a child's perspective. Adults might see it differently:

"Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes. So they’re always holding their breath, waiting . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships."

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and lovers. It often shows itself in domestic violence  by becoming the abuser or the abused.

About 25 years ago I served on a national Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. We carved out definitions of psychological maltreatment and it's long-term effects.

Psychological maltreatment is embedded in all forms of child abuse. It conveys the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or in danger.

Children feel disregarded and unprotected. Can you see how rejection is the common thread that runs throughout these perceptions?

When children look to someone for love and protection and that person hurts and betrays them, how can there not be long-term emotional damage?

Trust is Fragile

When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? Or for themselves?

They may ask "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me like this?" What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone?
Messages like this are so confusing. When they become adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Some will become abusive themselves.  And others will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again.

"Just Wait Until Your Father Gets Home"

You may have guessed that spankings were a regular happening in my childhood home.  My mom would warn, "Just wait until your father gets home." And my brother Lee and I waited, terrified of what would follow when we went with him down to the basement.

Often it started with the belt. The worst times were when he used the buckle end. However, if he thought we weren’t getting the "message" the next step was the telephone cord.

Daddy would strip away the black sheathing, exposing the brightly colored individual wires. I remember some of them still had metal pieces attached to the ends.

But what really hurt the most, was that I sensed my mother standing on the basement landing, listening to our cries.

A Scrapbook of Memories

A few years ago a client brought in a 1950's wooden scrapbook her father had made to display her childhood poems. He painstakingly used a jigsaw, cutting her name into a piece of wood and gluing it onto the wooden cover. It was a loving gesture.

I found myself staring at the colorful lacing holding the two pieces of wood together, There was something eerily familiar about it. At first I couldn't place it. I was stunned when I recognized what it was. The brightly colored cord her dad used to fasten it together was telephone wire.

I couldn't stop my tears.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And what are your thoughts? Your experiences?

For another perspective: Michael Eric Dyson’s Op-Ed on black families and discipline

For lots of information on the abuse of children and it’s long term effects:
Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Drama Triangle: Eye-Opening View of Relationship Interactions!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I love watching the faces of workplace and psychotherapy clients when I introduce the amazing Drama Triangle into our work. At long last, their problematic and confusing relationships begin to make sense!

When I discovered this concept in a Transactional Analysis Bulletin article in the 60s I thought: Eureka! I've found gold!

This ingenious way of sorting out complex interactions was developed by Stephen Karpman, MD, a psychiatrist in the San Francisco Bay area. Steve was a colleague/devotee of Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis and author of Games People Play.

I've written about the Drama Triangle in my books, and used examples extensively in my workshops. However, in the many years I've been writing this blog, this is the first time I've made it a centerpiece.

In the Karpman Drama Triangle, the three points are represented by the roles of Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The roles are interchangeable, with each player possibly trading positions at any given time. Sometimes a person may switch from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer in a flash; other times, it’s more gradual.

You may have noticed how it becomes a quick trip from feeling blamed to blaming someone. Or going from feeling victimized to provoking a “rise” out of the other person.

First of all, I want to point out how easy it is to feel like a victim when we tend to take things personally — especially at times we are feeling singled out or treated unfairly or disrespected in some way.

The classic martyr offers a great example of the triangle in action.

The Martyr – Victim Extraordinaire

Both in families an in work situations, the martyr complains of doing so much for others (Rescuer) that s/he feels unappreciated (Victim). Our martyr may frequently be heard saying (or insinuating) something like: “Look at all I do for you and look what I get in return — nothing.” And how do you imagine it feels to be on the receiving end of comments like that?

However, consider how the martyr may actually be the most powerful person in the family or work setting. Others keep trying to please (Rescue) — until they become resentful. Then they begin to feel victimized (Victim). If they retaliate by acting rebelliously or procrastinating or making empty promises, the martyr perceives them as “bad and uncaring” (Persecutor), because s/he actually feeling victimized by them.

Or Might It Be The Rescuer? Or the Victimizer?

Can you envision how the martyr moves from role to role on the triangle? This occurs in a similar fashion for other “rescuing” kinds of behavior — codependence, overfunctioning, infantilizing. When one person “takes over” for the other (Rescuer), the dependent one feels diminished (Victim) by the pushy one (Persecutor). Anger and resentment build up (Victim/Persecutor), leaving the “rescuer” feeling hurt (Victim) that these caring behaviors are not appreciated by their family members or coworkers..

In the graphic you'll notice the Victim spot is on the bottom of the triangle. However, because of the power the victim holds it might as well be on the top. Isn’t it fascinating how one person may see him- or herself in the role of Victim (or Rescuer), and another person may see that person as the Victimizer. And we wonder why people get so upset with us!

Awareness is the Key

Having awareness of how this process works can help stop interactions that lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, anger and resentment. Most especially, it can help curb that destructive cycle of feeling personally attacked and needing to defend by mounting a counterattack.

So often we get stuck in an intractable position, seeing ourselves in primarily one role — usually the rescuer or the victim.

Hmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how we seem to have blinders on about our own role of persecutor! Once we recognize that these positions are fluid, we can understand that others may see us quite differently than we see ourselves. Then we can more easily see problematic situations from a wider lens, perhaps even from the other person’s point of view. And what a difference that can make both at work and at home.

Might these ideas change your work or personal relationships? How might that be?

What kinds of Drama Triangle experiences have you had? I'd love to hear your stories and solutions . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Excerpted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection  and Breathing Room – Creating Space to be a Couple.

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Limiting Factors and Defining Characteristics: What Are Yours?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Do you find yourself drawn to reading certain printed words

over again?

 

I seem to stumble across these words just when I'm most

needing their wisdom. It's as if they appear in front of my

eyes by magic.

 

Perhaps they reside in a book or blog or a handout or

something I happened to save on my compute filed in the

ubiquitous "Elayne's Stuff" Folder.

 

One that pops up when I most need it is a particular Monday

Morning Memo about Limiting Factors and Defining

Characteristics by marketing consultant Roy H. Williams.

Each time I re-read it I learn more about myself and my

relationships.

 

Isn't it amazing how previously read words can seem fresh

and new when we are able to receive them in a different way?

 

What an intriguing idea: We each have Defining Characteristics

that offer potential and we also have potentially stunting Limiting

Factors. I'm especially fascinated by how we let certain events in

our lives define us. Or we let someone else's opinion define us.

Both the growthful and the limiting aspects affect how we see

ourselves.

 

I, too, have allowed certain events in my life define me and color how

I see myself. And how I have let these defining characteristics limit me.

Letting Experiences Define Us

The most impactful event for me was the plane crash when I was 12 years

old. And, yes, at times I have let it define me. Sometimes in ways that I can

use to make a difference for others, and sometimes in ways that smother my

spirit and creativity.

(If you don't know my story and are curious, see the link below.)

Connected to this loss have been the times I felt neglected and

rejected by the adults in my family who I had looked to for protection.

And yet they have repeatedly disappointed me - especially when they

have made important promises and then reneged.

I have let these disappointments define me as well.

And becoming older and wiser doesn't always stop me from

re-experiencing the old pain when a rejection in the present

triggers it.

A Replay of Hurts From the Past

It recently happened again. I believed someone was able to be

fair-minded and supportive. So I took a deep breath and did

something I hardly ever do. I asked for help. Her quick and

positive response did much to bolster feeling cared about. You

can imagine how this goes a long way in balancing the long-time

experiences of rejection by the adults.

 

Then without warning and without explanation, she changed her

mind about helping. 

 

I'm sure if I was functioning in my adult mode, I would have been

momentarily disappointed but able to say, "This is not important in

the wider scope of things. After all, people do have a right to change

their mind after making a promise."

 

But I found myself blindsided and upset. Kind of stuck in that "Poor

Cinderella" loop that sometimes creeps in when I start feeling sorry

for myself.

Self-respect Instead of Self-reject

Did I take it personally? I sure did! The self-rejecting messages began

taking over until I gave myself a good talking-to. I walked along side

myself, noticed what I was doing, and decided to go down a different

path. One of Self-respect instead of Self-reject.

 

Do you, too, sometimes let your past experiences define you? Is it OK

that this happens? Or do you find it limiting? What steps have you

taken in an attempt to overcome this way of defining yourself?

 

Has anyone ever said to you, "Just get over it?" How do words like

these make you feel? Does it make your skin crawl the way it does

mine? (A friend once said that to me after he read a piece I wrote

about my mother's death. His seeming lack of support for  me changed

my relationship with him from that time forward.)

 

Roy H. Williams offers much to think about in this excerpt from his

commentary on Limiting Factors and Defining Characteristics in

his Monday Morning Memo.

Perhaps, you, too, will find yourself often rereading these words:

                                              Walk on Water

Life is a journey on water. We spend our lives floating between the

sunlit scenery of the conscious mind and the shadowy depths of

the unconscious below. Dr. Richard D. Grant tells us our relationship

to the unconscious is exactly our relationship to water.

 



1. We need it by the cupful to survive.


2. A plunge into it is refreshing. (Art speaks to the unconscious.)


3. Stay under too long and we'll drown. (A psychotic break.)


4. There are monsters in the deep.

 

Every product, service or idea has:



 

1. Limiting Factors - (factors that limit it. Impediments.)


2. Defining Characteristics - (characteristics that define it.)

 

The same is true of you and me. You and I have Limiting

Factors and Defining Characteristics.

 

Drifters on the ocean of life define themselves by their

circumstances. Pushed here and there by the winds and

waves of chance, their mantra is, "whatever."

 

Surfers on the ocean of life define themselves by their activities.

Riding the swells this way and that, they dream of the perfect wave.

 

Drowners in the ocean of life define themselves by their limiting

factors. Sad and mournful, they are professional victims, the

walking wounded, an army that never heals.

 

Navigators sailing happily on the ocean of life define themselves

by their commitments. Navigators know exactly what they're

trying to make happen and they're willing to pay the price.

 

Do you know what you're trying to make happen? Are you willing

to pay the price?

Limiting factors are outside you. 
Defining characteristics are within.


Has your self-image been damaged by things you did not choose?

Have you internalized your limiting factors? Spit them out. Ceremoniously

and with contempt. Spit them out. Limiting factors can be fought or ignored

but they should never be accepted. To accept them is to move them

inside you.

 

I'm not uneducated . . . I simply chose not to go to college.

I'm not a bald guy . . . I'm just a guy who has no hair.

And I'm certainly not scruffy and poorly dressed. I'm a man whose

mind is filled with things other than his personal appearance. The

fact that this makes me look like a homeless beggar is nothing

more than a meaningless coincidence.

 

I am deeply committed to my wife, astoundingly loyal to my

friends and surprisingly dangerous to my enemies. See how easy

it is to choose your identity?

 

You alone decide who you will be.

What have you decided?

Roy H. Williams, Founder of the Wizard Academy
Monday Morning Memo August 16, 2010
http://www.mondaymorningmemo.com/newsletters/read/1886

And another stunning commentary about water and the unconscious by Roy H. Williams:

 

                 
     

Life is a journey on water:

Consciousness is above the water.

The unconscious lies below.

The future comes into focus only when

 we pass under the bridge and turn the corner.

 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Here's the link to the story of the plane crash:

http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

Until next time,

 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!



To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

7 Tips for Designing Your Valentine's Day

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Ready or not, here comes Valentine's Day!

Researchers are noticing a spike in relationship breakups before and
after Valentine's Day!

Hmmmmmm. I have a guess about this: Maybe these breakups  are just
'the last straw' in a series of disappointments.

First comes Thanksgiving and all the unrealistic expectations that might go
along with it. Next, the December Holidays – too often a gift-giving disaster
followed by NewYears Eve.

Each month might bring one disappointment after another – finally
culminating into an "I've had it" scenario at Valentine's Day, leading to
the big breakup.

On Valentine's Day too often the value of the relationship is tied up in a gift.

Instead of being direct about what we want, we tend to drop hints. These
hints might be tied to the belief, "If you love me you'll read my mind."

Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations are set-ups for disappointment.
All too often our feelings get hurt, we feel disappointed, rejected and take it
personally.

Ways We Set Ourselves Up for Disappointment

So along comes Valentine's Day. Let's look at a few ways we might repeatedly set ourselves up for disappointment:

 - Crossing your fingers and hoping magically someone will read your mind
 - Letting the value of your relationship be tied up in a gift
 - Making 'guessing correctly' a test of caring. Trouble is, it's a set up for flunking
   because you are probably not letting the other person in on the rules
 - Dropping hints like crazy about that special gift, reservations at that new restaurant,
   a card that says everything you dream it will say
 
A Great Way to Make Your Valentines Day a Success

I've been thinking a bunch lately about how much I've depended others to make my Valentine's Day 'perfect."

I decided to take full responsibility for the effect I want to create. I'm designing my own special day. No unrealistic expectations. No disappointments.

I've been having a great time shopping for just the right card to send to myself.  It will capture my true spirit and say exactly what I want to hear this Valentine's Day. No matter what message is contained on cards from others I'll love my card to myself!  

Some Do-able Tips for Navigating Valentine's Day
 
If you are part of a couple:

The key is to keep expectations reasonable and be clear
about what you need from the other person.

- 1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your honey will read
your mind. Subtle hints just don't work. Be direct, communicating
clearly about what you are hankering for.  Try this: “Here’s what I’d
like most on Valentine's Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going
out to dinner with you at __________ restaurant.  And I'd like you to
make the reservation."

- 2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for misunderstandings and disappointment.
And disappointment can all too easily feel like a rejection.

- 3 Don't let the fear of choosing  the wrong card or gift ruin the
day. All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of making a wrong choice. So they get kind of paralyzed and
don't buy or plan anything.

TIP: Would it make gift-giving easier if you ask your honey to pick out 2 or 3 possibilities at a favorite shop. Then you can go in and choose one of them as the gift. It's even a surprise which one you decide to pick.

 - 4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with different styles of gift-giving AND receiving. Can you respect each others 'ways?'

- 5 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
yourself not to feel slighted if it's "not the way you'd do it."
This goes for gift and card-giving as well.
 
- 6 Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the o her hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work
very well if it's an "afterthought."

- 7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

And If You Are Unattached:

- 1  Spend the day loving yourself because you're worth it!

- 2  Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to flowers you really
like.

- 3  Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

- 4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

- 5  Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love .

- 6  Appreciate the people who care about you.

- 7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.

What Are Your Ideas?

What are your ideas about reasons for these Valentine's Day
breakups?

What tips do you have for a successful Valentine's Day?

Do you have a story to share? I'd love to hear from you.

     Happy Valentine's Day! From My Heart to Yours . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Chris Christie and His Inner Circle: Taking Things Personally Big Time

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I have to admit I've been totally enthralled by the taking it personally aspects of the George Washington Bridge lane closure controversy. As you may be aware, the closures caused traffic jams for 4 days on the busiest bridge in the world.

And it's becoming an exciting whodunit ever since subpoenaed documents show the closures appear to be ordered by high ranking staff in Governor Chris Christie's office.

I got hooked when I read a NYT article about bulling in late December and commented online. (You'll find this and other timeline and background links below.)

I actually started writing this blog that day in December, but had not sent it out before now because every day the story leaps ahead with new twists and turns.

I don't mean for my observations to be taken as a political statement. It's mostly musings about the frailty of human nature, how easy it is to take things personally and the trouble it tends to creates when things get out of hand.

I would be most interested in your ideas on the state of affairs in the State of New Jersey – and on this kind of  political climate that tends to exist in general.

Taking Things Personally Can Lead to Big Problems

Perhaps you know as well as I, how taking things personally often leads to overreactions – some of which we may come to regret. Mr. Christie's staff appears to be finding this out the hard way.

When we take something personally we perceive someone's actions as a personal affront.  We feel slighted or wronged or attacked. We might feel something is unfair. Sometimes it seems others are taking sides or are out to get us. Perhaps we feel someone is disloyal and we feel betrayed.  Any of these experiences can lead to an overreaction.

We don't know exactly what happened to prompt Bridget Anne Kelly, Gov. Christie's deputy chief of staff, to e-mail David Wildstein on August 13, “Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee."

Wildstein, a long-time acquaintance of and top Christie appointee at the Port Authority immediately answered, "Got it."

Three weeks after this e-mail exchange, two of the three access lanes from Fort Lee onto the bridge were shut down – with no prior warning to motorists.

What resulted was an hours-long traffic jam on the bridge and across the city of Fort Lee that continued for four days. People were late for work, emergency responders were delayed, kids missed much of the morning on the first day of the school year.

Who knows how long the lane closures would have gone on if Port Authority Executive Director Patrick Foye had not ordered the closures lifted saying they jeopardized public safety.

David Wildstein cynically dismissed how children were stuck for hours on school buses. He was texting how it didn't matter because “They are the children of Buono voters." (Barbara Buono was running against Mr. Christie in the upcoming November gubernatorial election.)

I was really affected by the school bus aspect. I think it was because I found myself identifying with the anxiety many of those kids must have been feeling while stuck on a bus for hours on the first day of school.

So far several folks have lost their jobs and political appointments. Bill Baroni, the Deputy Executive Director of the Port Authority and David Wildstein have resigned.  Bill Stepian, Mr. Christie's key advisor and Bridget Anne Kelly were fired.

Many others are being investigated and have been subpoenaed by State Commissions, Federal Investigators or both.

Is Chris Christie Taking It Personally that Folks Are Disloyal to Him?

It is interesting that the reason given by Mr. Christie for firing Bridget Kelly was not because she initiated an action that hurt thousands of people over those four days. No. In fact he announced "I terminated the employment of Bridget Kelly because she lied to me."

Because she lied to him?

Mr. Christie describes being "sad" and "heartbroken" that his people in his "circle of trust" had betrayed him: "It is heartbreaking to me that I wasn't told the truth. I'm a very loyal guy, and I expect loyalty in return. And lying to me is not an exhibition of loyalty."

Hmmmmmm. Another example of the me, me, me flavor of Mr. Christie's tendency to take things personally, big time.

And now more allegations of pressuring are surfacing related to the 'abuse of power' in Gov. Christie's office: Dawn Zimmer, the Mayor of Hoboken, and Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis are speaking out. (See links below.)

Who else might decide to speak out tomorrow?

There are state and federal investigations beginning and every day new documents and people are being subpoenaed.

It must be especially difficult for the governor to have the US Attorney's Office investigate his campaign and office staff – when only a few years ago Mr. Christie himself was the New Jersey US Attorney.

So what led Mr. Christie and his staff to end up in this mess?

How Did This Happen? And Why? And By Who?

Is there a plausible explanation for initiation of the e-mails between Bridget Anne Kelly and David Wildstein? What conversations came before those emails? Was there a plan? If so, what was it? Who knew about it?

Chris Christie has been described as a 'hands on' politician. However these days he has been putting much energy into emphasizing how 'hands off' his governing style really is.

At first he insisted his staff had nothing to do with the lane closings. Now that subpoenaed records show otherwise, he states he knew nothing about any plan to disrupt traffic on the bridge.

Another observation about the way Mr. Christie governs: It has  been reported that he "rewards loyalty and metes out retribution for even minor slights."

Again we see what can happen when Chris Christie takes things personally!

Let's Speculate About How It Played Out

Let's say Gov. Christie did not know his staff was devising a plan to interfere with traffic on the George Washington Bridge.
 
What are possible explanations for what happened and why? Well it's a good guess I see several scenarios connected to taking things personally.

The media has been leaning toward two theories: First, that Gov. Christie and staff were upset at the perceived rebuff by Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich who  did not endorse Mr.Christie for governor. Were they getting back at him by backing up traffic throughout the 3 sq. miles of Fort Lee for 4 days?

Did this start out as a retaliatory prank and did it turn into more than they bargained for?

Another  media speculation is that the closures were a power play having to do with the Hudson Lights billion dollar project at the foot of the bridge. A project vitally important to Mayor Sokolich and Fort Lee.

By showing how easily Gov. Christie could disrupt commute traffic on the Fort Lee side of the bridge, funding for the project might be threatened.

Wow, see what we can do to your prize project if you dare to cross us!

I have my own hypothesis. Perhaps there was a problem with personal boundaries and the governor's aides got a bit  mixed up about what feelings belong to who. In their efforts to protect their special person maybe they took the Fort Lee mayor's rebuff of the governor personally. Maybe they were thinking a clever payback would be to retaliate against Fort Lee and its Mayor. What a great way to show support to their boss!.

If so, what a classic example of confused boundaries - being unable to differentiate what feelings belong to whom. Not being clear on where one person ends and the other begins.

OR, as many political insiders are asking "Did Chris Christie foster a culture where vindictiveness and retribution became acceptable behavior? Perhaps there has been certain permission given by prior example, where Gov. Christie's staff understands it's OK to retaliate.

"Organizations Inherit the Personality and Moral Ethics of the Person at the Very Top"

On occasion in this blog, I've described  the concept of isomorphism where one context replicates another. Sometimes this idea is referred to as 'parallel process' or 'social contagion'. In this case it would be the administrative staff's actions being similar to those of their boss.

You’ve probably noticed how some images in television commercials morph from one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car – right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with certain interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.

This is “isomorphism,”where the  character and values of the leader trickles down to staff.  I see it all the time with my workplace coaching clients.

According to my colleague, Allen Roland (AllenRoland.com) Rivero's Rule of mass morals: sums it up:  "organizations will eventually reflect the moral character, values and ethics of the person at the very top."  

"I Am Who I Am – But I Am Not a Bully"

Well, I guess that depends on how Mr. Christie defines 'bully.' Does he recognize his own history of intimidating, punishing tactics when he believes someone is disloyal to him?

The New York Times detailed several politicians who have been on the receiving end of retaliatory tactics after disagreements with Mr. Christie. "In almost every case, Mr. Christie waved off any suggestion that he had meted out retribution. But to many, the incidents have left that impression, and it has been just as powerful in scaring off others who might dare to cross him." (See link below.)

Let's talk about bullying and how it is connected to the the kind of Abuse of Power many observers are saying exists in the Governor's office.

The Abuse of Power

From Wikipedia:
Abuse of power, in the form of "malfeasance in office" or "official misconduct," is the commission of an unlawful act, done in an official capacity, which affects the performance of official duties. Malfeasance in office is often grounds for a for cause removal of an elected official by statute or recall election.

From BusinessDictionary.com
The act of using one’s position of power in an abusive way. This can take many forms such as taking advantage of someone, gaining access to information that shouldn’t be accessible to the public, or just manipulating someone with the ability to punish them if they don’t comply.

From LawDictionary.org
The basic abuse of power that can occur when they become too manipulative with those around them and the trust given to them.

I see Abuse of Power as connected to the intimidation and fear that can arise from situations where there is an Imbalance of Power.

The Imbalance of Power

From www.stopbullying.gov/
Imbalance of power: "Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior  . . . that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time."

One of the books assigned in my first psychotherapy graduate program was 'Power in the Helping Professions.'  It's been on my bookshelf over 30 years and I often re-read it  to remind myself how easily (and subtly) power can be misused and abused.

As a workplace consultant, I've heard hundreds of stories describing unreasonable demands and harassment of the "this is what you have to do to keep your job" genre.

"I am who I am," Gov. Christie declared, "but I am not a bully."

Really? Gov. Christie, please explain your statement to me!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And to you out there, I would love to hear your ideas and comments!

Here are some helpful links if you want more information:

Timeline of the George Washington Bridge saga:  http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2014/01/timeline_of_the_port_authoritys_george_washington_bridge_lane_closure_controversy.html#incart_big-photo

Background of the Lane Closure: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/13/nyregion/a-bridge-to-scandal-behind-the-fort-lee-ruse.html?_r=1

Subpoenaed documents: http://articles.philly.com/2014-01-12/news/46092794_1_david-wildstein-traffic-study-port-authority#ugUojqJejUBjSWZ6.99

The Wall Street Journal has been reporting on this story since November. http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304448204579184030525950894

For copies of the documents released on 1/10/14: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303393804579314500006896102?mod=trending_now_3

Bullying: From the 12/24/13 issue of the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/25/nyregion/accounts-of-petty-retribution-reinforce-christies-bullying-image.html

Elayne Savage's comment on taking things personally, NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/25/nyregion/accounts-of-petty-retribution-reinforce-christies-bullying-image.html?comments#permid=10808378

Dawn Zimmer allegations: www.cnn.com/2014/01/20/politics/who-is-dawn-zimmer/

Carl Lewis allegations: www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/jan/21/olympian-carl-lewis-claims-chris-christie-toppled-/

More blog posts on Bullying: www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage   

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Related articles

Emails link Chris Christie's staff to bridge closure in US

Tips for Suriving the Holidays

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month, just before Thanksgiving, I shared some tips for navigating family gatherings. Some of you asked for more tips for surviving the upcoming holidays.
So here we go . . .

Holiday Hype

It helps to separate the hype from actuality. This year those ads of 'make believe' started appearing even earlier than usual. The purpose, of course, is to build up your Great Holiday Expectations.

Weeks before Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the 'Happy Family' and 'Perfect Present' ads.

Wow. What a set-up for disappointment this is!

And I'm here to remind you that unrealistic expectations usually lead to disappointments.
All too often, disappointments feel like rejection.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Besides the tips I offered last month for 'talking to the turkeys at the table,' the best way to deal with family stress is to be creative in taking time-outs  to collect your  thoughts and regain your composure.

Excusing yourself, doing some slow breathing, and counting to ten all work wonders to help regain your balance (and your dignity, too.)

- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to get a drink of water.

- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, 
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a 
few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle 
this?"

- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car. 
This lets you be independent about your transportation and your time and space. You 
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stresses of too much family time.

When someone's behavior is too obnoxious to ignore, rather than overreacting, why not try a different tack?

- Try to find something about that person you can like, maybe even respect. For 
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes. Then while you are talking with them concentrate on that redeeming feature.

When the person sees respect in your eyes, they are more likely to respond positively to you. Are you wiling to give it a try? It sure beats time spent glaring at each other.

As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are applicable to many life situations - including the workplace.

Each Family has 'Their Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about the holidays. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different traditions for celebrating and different expectations about exchanging gifts.

I often coach young families in creating ways to make their own traditions around birthdays, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, New Years and other holidays important to them.

They can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking. They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents or  whether to decorate or not.

Gift-giving Dilemmas

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt ands takes something personally.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right' present?

Gifts are a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you've been hoping for.

Most of us have felt some disappointment on the receiving end as well. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base in their choice of present.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe sometimes it doesn't. But what about the times your feelings get hurt?

And you know how difficult it can be to try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait,  maybe you're not quite done feeling rejected yet. Maybe you even tell yourself the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you – because if they really cared, they'd have guessed what you were hankering for.

Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop for the 'perfect' present for someone, then wait with baited breath to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose?

Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Again, these are situations where disappointments feel like rejection.

Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings of disappointment.

Caring is Not Symmetrical

Sometimes we expect caring to be symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring is different from our own.

We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of gift-giving – in our families.  
Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments, there is really a charge to the subject of gift-giving. This generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation.

Gift-giving Tips

- Know what you want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about 
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out 
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to buy for you. It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you. They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

Look for more ideas about gift-giving in the February blog - just in time for Valentine's Day.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Happy Holidays everyone! Wishing you a healthy, adventurous and wonder-filled New Year.

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' ®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage  
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
 

Happy Thanksgiving and Some Tips for Navigating Family Gatherings

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday.
And to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures -
wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of
receiving appreciation.

I'm thankful to be able to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. A few

days ago I had a skirmish with a glob of peanut butter(!) that

decided to sight-see for a while in my esophagus, refusing to travel

on downward. Thankfully, I won the battle!

What perfect timing to give me pause to think long and hard

about what I'm most grateful for . . .

Let Me Count the Ways . . .

I'm grateful for the wonderfully supportive people in my life.

Some are new friends but many are old – going back to middle

school, high school and college. Some are from my first real

job decades ago. And I even stay in contact with my high

school English teacher!

I'm grateful to be able to reconnect with friends after losing

contact. It happens because one of us reached out, and the

other was open to receiving. These are special friendships

because they could easily have been lost forever.

I'm grateful for my mentors and teachers and the opportunities

presented. I'm especially grateful that I have the wisdom (OK,

maybe intuition) to be open to receive.

I'm especially grateful for my wonderful family. And there is so

much to absorb from my six year old granddaughter, a terrific

teacher of life lessons. 

I have learned a lot from family and friends.

 

My coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants

have taught me much. I'm grateful to you who receive this e-letter –

and for your emails and blog comments. So much to learn from you!

I appreciate smiles from strangers I pass on the street - and I usually

smile back. I'm grateful when someone responds positively to a

favor it took me days to work up to asking for, I'm thankful when

folks graciously let me give something back to them.



 

And I'm grateful, too, for the intention and healing in our hearts and

minds that contribute to making the world more healthy, strong and

humane.

For many of us, giving and receiving appreciation isn't easy.

Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for

providing a reason or two or three!


This is the time of year I often give some Holiday get-together tips

for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so

personally when you are talking to the turkeys at the dinner table.


So here we go:

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in

battles, choosing of sides and hurt feelings?

 

Here are some useful tips for getting through the Holidays:

Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants.

He pulls you in every time. And this year there lots to be polarized

about! You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to

make 
your point.

 

–  Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the

fisherman' routine. If you need to, get up from the table and

excuse yourself to go into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths.


–  Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your

ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this

subject at this time.'"
   
Remind yourself: Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of
Theatre of the Absurd.

Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists

on bringing  her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly

lovely one.

–  It's almost comical. Why not appreciate the humor in the

situation, and laugh it off.
 
– Try not to take it personally and remember: "Mom's being her

Mom-self." It probably help her to feel useful and mom-like. Maybe

she's not quite ready to give up her mom role quite yet.
 
Remind yourself: Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre

of the Absurd.

Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing never fails to make you

uncomfortable and 
self-conscious. She's done this ever

since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes

full steam ahead. "You always were just too sensitive," she

stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. And you

want to crawl under the table and  disappear.

 

–  This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.

Breathing 
slowly ten times will usually help to take the

charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.


–  And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows

the slightest interest in you or gives even a minimal validation, it 

reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something

nice to say to you next time.

Remind yourself: Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre

of the Absurd.
 
Dad is drinking too much again and making comments loudly

under his breath about your weight. This time he asked loudly if

you really needed to put whipped cream on your pie. It's awkward

and humiliating. What do you do?

–  Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when

you were 
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

–  Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take

it. You can 
leave the room gracefully and regain your composure.

Maybe go into the kitchen and get a glass of water or the bathroom

to take a few deep breaths.


–  Having a talk with him about it in a sober, uncharged  moment will

be more 
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Remind yourself: Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of

the Absurd.

Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing

is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot"

or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author." This can

give you the  distance you need to take a step back and not take

things so personally.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And Happy Chanukah too! 


 
Your support, emails and blog posts mean a lot to me. I truly

appreciate your interest and input.

Do you have an appreciation story to share? What about

your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table'?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
 

Elayne
 
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' ®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker,
practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs,
coaching and consultation services visit: http://www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow Elayne:
Twitter@ElayneSavage  
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please
2. The Many Faces of Discrimination
3. The Indignity of 'Cootie Catchers'
4. "I'm Really a Fraud"
5. Tips For Choosing to Act Like a Grownup
6. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. TAKE THOSE MISERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMORIES
     . . . PLEASE
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just got hit with a rejection-flashback-triple-whammy.

Three recent events brought me face to face with childhood and adolescent experiences I thought I'd buried long ago.

Lynn Price was a main stage speaker at the recent National Speakers Association Western Workshop. She spoke with passion and power about growing up as a foster child separated from her sister. She is now internationally recognized for her work in child advocacy. 

As Lynn spoke I realized something about myself. I guess you could say I was a foster-child-in-my-own-home. After my mother died my father took a job traveling. He hired a live-in housekeeper to care for my brother, Lee, and me.  She was cruel.

Lots of feelings bubbled up for me as Lynn Price spoke.

But that was just the beginning. Two weeks later I attended a fundraiser for Challenge Day. This amazing organization provides programs which build connection and empathy for kids in middle and high school.

During the event, young people spoke of their loneliness, about feeling left out, being the object of name-calling and rumors, and teasing, harassment and bullying. As I listened I started to cry. Along with just about everyone in the room.

Truth be told, I was re-experiencing some devastating experiences from my early years.

I was sitting there feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was remembering that miserable young person who once tried to strangle herself. Yes me. As you may guess I lost consciousness. My hands dropped away from my throat before I could do the deed. It IS a funny visual. Now. Not then.

Two days later I had yet another powerful deja vu experience. I was being filmed for a documentary on childhood and teenage depression. As the director, cameraman and sound engineer recorded me, I shared stories from my work with children and adolescents. And of course, some of the stories were my own.

I talked about loneliness and feeling left out. I described how it feels to be the object of name-calling and rumors. I gave examples of getting teased, harassed and bullied.

My voice was cracking as I spoke. I think the director, camera and sound guys might have been affected by my stories as well. I could hear it in their voices.

Yes. Rejection hurts. Isn't it amazing how all these years later we find ourselves smarting from the sting of those early rejections. 

The pain never goes away.

And I can't push the old pain back into the box so easily this time.
It's been swirling around me. Creeping into my consciousness. Calling out for understanding and attention.

2. THE MANY FACES OF DISCRIMINATION

I had a similar experience writing the "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow" Chapter on peer rejection in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!' So many long-forgotten memories were turning up. 

Some of the peer rejection I experienced was because I'm Jewish. Prejudice is hard to explain to yourself when you are a young person.

We lived in a row house in D.C. My best friend was the girl next door. I couldn't understand why her parents, aunts and uncles would spit on our porch. then one day Marian spit over the porch railing too. I was crushed. I remember wondering, "What I did wrong?" Why were they all so mad at me?"

3. THE INDIGNITY OF 'COOTIE CATCHERS'

Even one ugly action or name-calling incident can lead to a negative self-image that follows us into adulthood.

One day some friends and I were sitting around discussing how these
kinds of experiences stood out. We began reminiscing about the taunting that went on. Someone remembered the "Cootie Catchers."

Maybe some of you have experienced the Cootie Catcher indignity. Cootie Catchers are hand-folded paper origami-like contraptions. Someone swipes it over your skin or hair and proclaims that they caught cooties. Cooties are creepy crawly thingies, diseases, etc. that might be on you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooties

Kathleen shared a vivid memory,  “A boy at school called me the worst possible
name. He said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cootie.’ I was crushed, and I’ve never forgotten that incident.”

Our friend Martin speculated, “I’ll bet you were a really cute little girl. Maybe that boy actually said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cutie’.”

Kathleen’s eyes widened, her face softened, “Do you think that might be true? Do you suppose if I hadn’t been so ashamed and told my father what happened, he’d have reassured me and said the same thing?

You mean I didn’t have to believe all these years that someone thought I was a
cootie?

Trouble is, we don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how hurt we are. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years. And years.

Our self-esteem plummets, we struggle to trust people in our world. Is it any wonder we might even have work and personal relationship difficulties?

4. "I'M REALLY A FRAUD"

Over the years many consultation and coaching clients have said to me: "If you only knew me, you'd see how defective I really am. You'll find out I'm really a fraud under all my pretenses."

And sometimes folks want others to find out the truth. Unwittingly they sabotage themselves. The spotlight of disclosure shines glaringly on them.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately when Eliot Spitzer leaped into the news. Or perhaps you recognize yourself in the description.  I know I do.

5. TIPS FOR CHOOSING TO ACT LIKE A GROWNUP

OK, so what can we do to not get so mired in those miserable memories?
What can we do to stay in the present and function in our adult selves?

Here are some considerations:

- Can you appreciate that two sides of you may co-exist?
There is the young, sometimes defenseless person. And there is the grownup.

- Can you appreciate the attributes of each?

- Can you empathize with (and even embrace) that young part of you?

- Can you show compassion rather than contempt for that sometimes helpless person?

- Can you walk alongside yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Create enough distance so you are not feeling overwhelmed by those often powerful young feelings.

- Which part of you do you WANT to experience now?  Can you make that choice?

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'™
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.