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By Elayne Savage, PhD
For 40 years I have thought of 'giving permission' as wonderfully helpful in my work with workplace and psychotherapy clients.
However, I'm becoming painfully aware of the Dark Side of “giving permission” that seems to be getting played out so often these days.
Giving Permission to ‘Make a Choice to Make a Change’ TM
Almost every day I have the opportunity to help clients recognize that in tough situations they can choose to give themselves permission to see choices and expand their options.
I try to give permission to let it be OK for clients to identify any blind spots they might have, reminding them “if they can’t see it, they can’t change it.”
I encourage them to “walk alongside themselves, noticing and naming ideas, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors –– and then imagining going back to the fork in the road and trying out a different path.” I encourage them to join me in teamwork to creatively try out some different ways of thinking and behaviors.
I encourage clients to recognize that it is OK to have needs and not feel ‘needy’ or worry about being viewed as ‘needy.
Speaking needs out loud can be a new experience if, when they were young, no one gave them permission to have needs and voice them.
It may be a struggle at first to be able to know what their needs are and to say them out loud.
I encourage clients to give themselves permission to check things out with the other person and not presume meaning or intent. This gives the other person permission to clarify and say, "That's not what I meant to say or I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
And Then, There is the Dark Side of ‘Giving Permission’
Lately some of my psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients have been wanting to use some of our session time to talk about this Dark Side. How among politicians there seems to be a huge amount of ‘permission giving' to be disrespectful, and downright ugly to colleagues and political challengers.
Most recently clients are noticing the effect that so much negative ‘permission-by-example’ has been having on them – noticing their own increased tendency to tell half-truths or to exaggerate stories, and yes, it's been easier lately to lie.
I have become very aware how ‘permission’ can have a scary Dark Side.
When there are various kinds of encouragement for aggression we see almost daily there are headlines about verbal and physical violence, attacks, arrests because of online threats, and of course the recent horrific mass killings in churches, in schools, and at community events.
The way I see it, the Dark Side of perceived permission for destructive and bigoted actions most often comes from the 'winks and nods' and the ‘dog whistles’ of political influencers.
I’m seeing a huge amount of conflating and confusion of details, and exaggerations and yes, out-and-out lying coming out of Washington.("Dishonesty" the press calls it.)
Many clients see much of this permission-giving originating from Donald Trump and other political influencers. It does seem like many folks are echoing presidential and political rhetoric.
And it feels like this modeling is giving permission for many of us to act out with meanness and ugliness and violence and weapons.
Giving Permission to Be Angry, to Hate, and to Create Violence and Turmoil
Sometimes this perceived 'permission' is given when a ‘leader’ applauds violent acts. This encouragement too often leads to copycatting.
Sometimes someone is motivated by the appealing notoriety of headlines and their 15 minutes of fame.
And I have come to believe that some suicidal folks need this perceived 'permission' to end their own life by committing violence and getting shot dead by law enforcement.
I blogged a few years ago about a man in Montana who assaulted a 13 year old boy in Montana for not removing his hat during the national anthem?
The man described how he grabbed the boy by the throat, lifted him into the air and slammed him to the ground.
He fractured the boy’s skull.
The attorney for the man says President Trump’s “rhetoric” is partially to blame for his client’s actions.
The defense is that he was following orders from “his commander in chief” while attacking the teenager.
Is it my imagination or are there actually more violent incidents because folks have come to believe they have permission to act out in aggressive ways?
I can’t help but notice what appears to be a ‘call to action’ at various rallies during Donald Trump‘s campaign rallies over the years – encouraging supporters to name-call and threaten and attack.
Recently he warned of "death and destruction" if he was to be charged in the hush-money probe.
Axios writes about the times Trump has advocated for violence: https://www.axios.com/2022/05/02/trump-call-violence-presidency
"You aren’t just responsible for what you say; you’re responsible for what people hear” –former CIA director Michael Hayden on CNN
When We Are Not Seen or Heard in Our Families
So let’s take a look at how easy it is for many folks to ‘obey’ these proclamations.
In my therapy/coaching and in my writing and professional speaking/teaching I teach communication skills, focusing on how important it is for us to feel heard and listened to and understood.
And many folks become alienated and angry because they did not feel heard or seen growing up in their families.
And someone is finally hearing and listening to and understanding them!
So of course they are receptive to Donald Trump’s seeming ability to listen to and ‘get’ them.
And they are listening intently to him as he repeatedly gives permission to act out.
His kinds of inflammatory statements can be especially confusing for folks who feel alienated. Or for those with emotional or cognitive difficulties or for those who may be struggling with rational thinking, and prone to impulsivity or delusions.
And we see from social media posts that some are susceptible to embracing conspiracy theories.
Some may be unable to differentiate what is real and what is not real: what is an exaggeration or a falsehood or what is only intended to be a dramatic distraction or a useful soundbite.
They might easily interpret an ill-considered, offhand comment to be a directive from their leader to be violent or to attack or even to kill.
They may start thinking destructively and commit dangerous acts or incite others to commit dangerous acts.
And if they have access to guns or knives they could be putting themselves and others in danger. Then this becomes a public health and public safety issue affecting many folks.
A few years ago you may recall that Cesar Sayoc mailed 16 packages found to contain pipe bombs several Democratic politicians and other prominent critics of then-President Trump.
Targets included former President Barack Obama, VP Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Other people who were sent these packages included three Democratic members of Congress and former members of the Cabinet and CNN.
The FBI investigated the case as Domestic Terrorism. He was sentenced to a maximum of 20 years in prison on August 5, 2019, and will be eligible for release as early as November 10, 2035.
"He Found a Father in Trump!" The Sayoc family attorney tells Anderson Cooper how Cesar Sayoc seemed lost and needed help and “found a father in Trump. He was attracted to the Trump formula of reaching out, Trump reaching out to these types of outsiders, people who don’t fit in, people who are angry at America, telling them they have a place at the table, telling them that it’s okay to get angry.”
The attorney adds, “I believe that was a motivating factor.”
And motivating as well for the many others who embrace these kinds of suggestions which seem to give permission to tap into their dark side.
In fact, it is OK to get angry. The challenge, however, is how we express our feelings, and damage to people or property is really not OK. I think most folks recognize this, the problem is they hear some of our political leaders telling them it's OK to act dangerously.
I’m not trying to make a political statement here, but I am very frightened by the often dark and deadly consequences of perceived ‘permission-giving.’
Do you too, think there might be too much permission-giving coming out of the mouths of politicians? Let me know what you think . . . © Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne: I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage
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